A/N: Thank you for your continued support. Life is hard. Love you all.
Thought You Ought To Know
On a small hill, down the lane from Warwickshire, half a mile off from the river, there was a little cemetery that overlooked a wheat field. When the wheat wasn't up, the land stretched on in hues of green and blue. The sunsets were a kaleidoscope of colors and the nights were cool, even in the summertime. The air smelled of honeysuckle and lavender. The light pollution from the city didn't quite make it out that far, so the stars were especially bright and clear on a cloudless, moonless night.
A boy sat under a towering aspen tree that resided at the very top of the hill. He rested his head back against the trunk, eyes closed peacefully, and listened to the crickets and the katydids calling in the dusky light of early evening. The headstones in this cemetery were on the older, more ancient side. It was a primarily "magics only" plot of land, where witches and wizards buried their dead. The boy's ancestors were there, as most of them were of magic descent, but there were a few muggles buried among them, as well. It wasn't unheard of to have close relatives that were muggles and then, in turn, request to have them added to the family plot once they perished. Few had a problem with muggles being buried there. There was no reason to refuse such a humble request...
But the boy's parents were not buried there.
Though they were muggles, that wasn't the reason for their absence. This particular boy's parentage was a complicated and painful one. His father had passed first and it was his mother's wish to lay him to rest in his own family's plot (as his father came from a long line of nothing but non-magic individuals). His mother then passed the year after and, although he was sure she would have requested it anyway, he lay her to rest next to his father. Their headstones gleamed beneath the streetlights of a small, faceless town that he'd only ever visited once in his life. He didn't return there to visit their cemetery. He came to the one on the hill.
The one in the swaying wheat and the lavender musk.
He sat beneath the aspen tree and felt his loved ones surrounding him. His parents' bodies weren't there, but that didn't matter. Their souls had long left this world and he imagined that, wherever they were, they were happy together. He thought that perhaps his mother was probably the happiest now that she no longer felt the inadequacy of her life. She was free from the burdens on her heart... And that gave him some comfort.
"Xavier..."
The boy's green eyes opened promptly and looked upon a pair of inquiring blue ones. The small woman stood just below him, further down the slope. She held a suitcase in one hand and a knitted hat in the other.
"It's almost dark, Xavier," she said. "It's going to open up soon."
"Oh, Pom-Pom," Xavier Michael sighed in careless wonder. "Don't you think it's better that I don't bother going back?"
"You most certainly will go back, Mr. Michael." Madam Pomfrey took on an appalled, stern edge. "You have two years left."
"Technically, I could leave this year—"
"Absolutely not—"
"As soon as I turn seventeen—"
"And what will you do then, hm?" The woman raised her eyebrows condescendingly. "Drift along with no purpose?"
"You cut me, Pom-Pom." Xavier put a fist to his chest. "You cut me deep."
"What about your friends?" Pomfrey adjusted her grip on the suitcase, ignoring the boy's complaints. Over the last year and summer months, she'd become increasingly accustomed to his antics. He was rarely ever serious. "Don't you want to spend your last years with them?"
He shrugged sharply and crossed his arms. "They'd be fine without me."
"I didn't ask if they'd be fine, X," Madam Pomfrey said harshly. "What about you?"
"Are you concerned about me?" The red-headed boy grinned teasingly at her.
"Yes." Was her prompt reply, face without reaction.
Xavier pouted at her and then looked away along the fading horizon. He sighed and said quietly, "Last year just ended with such... anti-climax. I've felt in limbo all summer."
"You can't control what other people do."
"But I can control how I react." He looked back at her with intensity. "I didn't even try to change anything. I was so lame, Pom-Pom. How can I live with myself?"
"You're going to be very tired at breakfast." The woman responded simply. "Come here, before the Portkey activates."
"What's the point?" Xavier said dramatically and slumped further back against the trunk of the tree. "Hogwarts won't be the same."
"Well, same walls, same food, same staff..." Madam Pomfrey said conversationally, as she took determined steps up the slope. "Except for one change."
"What's that?" Xavier smiled up at her as she stopped in front of him.
She smiled back, though hers was verging on sarcastic. He'd really rubbed off on her...
"I have a new apprentice to train," she said crisply and held the hat out to him. "So I have an early morning tomorrow and I won't allow you to sabotage her."
"Her?" Xavier gave another mischievous grin, as his fingers wrapped around the knitted material. "Is she my type—wah!" The portkey activated in that moment and sent the two of them spiraling into another plain of existence.
"Well it is mighty good to see you, mate." Benny grinned with a full show of teeth across the table.
Xavier patted his red hair flat and laughed. "I just saw you last night, you nutter."
"I know."
"And this morning." X gave him wide, amused eyes. "And on the way to breakfast. We walked together."
"But it's still good to see you." Benny tilted his head thoughtfully. "Aren't you glad to see me?"
"I'm always glad to see my best mate." Xavier stared suspiciously at him. "Are you about to dump me?"
"Speaking of dumping..." The boy's plump cheeks went a little red and he glanced to the side.
X looked at him with appalled eyes. "Blimey, Benny, that's disgusting—"
"No—X-Man—" Benny put his forehead in his palm and then inclined his head to the left. "Look over there," he mumbled. "Look who's sitting next to Madam Pomfrey."
Xavier raised inquiring, strawberry eyebrows and followed his friend's direction. The usual familiar faces of the staff table looked back at him, but within their midst sat a new face... a very pretty new face, with hair that shone white and sparkling in the morning sun; golden eyes that shimmered perhaps even more so...
It was Aurora Borealis.
"Well, now that you're part of the staff, I'll get doubly reprimanded for hitting on you."
Aurora ignored the boy, as she stood off to the side, watching Madam Pomfrey tending to a first year. Rorie held a stack of parchment to her chest, hugging it, as she concentrated on the woman's approach to assessing the situation.
Xavier bounced back from her blatant snub and sighed loudly, stretching his arms over his head. "Ah, well... If I can't hit on you, then I can still come here and see you whenever I want."
Aurora squeezed tightly onto the parchment, but she didn't respond.
"Yep." The boy cracked his knuckles and snapped his head side to side. "I better gear up for a year of as many injuries as possible. Keep a bed open for me!"
"Mr. Michael, you are already making a spectacle of my hospital wing," Madam Pomfrey called over her shoulder. "Go to class."
"Didn't I tell you, Pom-Pom? I'm shooting for most absences in recorded Hogwarts history—"
"You had better not." The woman threw a vicious glare over at the boy.
He simply grinned back at her, arms crossed over his chest. He'd grown another three inches over the summer and now stood only an inch below the girl at his side. She took notice, but she'd never say so. She'd also never say that she noticed that it seemed he had much more meat on his bones now—solid meat.
Aurora let out a quiet huff of exasperation and walked forward to get a closer look at what the school matron was doing.
Xavier watched her for a moment, as the smile shrank away from his face. Although he'd grown, she made him feel so small in the darkness of her shadow. And she didn't look at him. She didn't respond to him or acknowledge his existence at all. He was a buzzing gnat that she brushed away; a fly-away strand of hair, caught in the corner or her eye. He was not worth her attention and she ignored him...
And it carried on that way all year.
"Merlin's mustache, Hagrid—" X threw himself out of the way, before he was completely trampled by a herd of agitated centaurs. "Don't you think it would have been better if we hadn't come here?!"
"Well, they're jus' excited, is all." Hagrid called over the thundering of hooves and yells that surrounded them. An arrow shot an inch from his ear and Xavier snapped his wand out towards it, blasting it away from his comrade.
"Yeah, real excited, Hagrid!" The boy screamed incredulously at him. "I'd hate to see how excited they get if you don't let your dog destroy their herb field!"
"It was an accident!" Hagrid called helplessly and then stared around at the stomping centaurs, trying to catch their eyes. "An accident!"
"I don't think they care!" X declared and shot another spell at a flying arrow. "Why the hell did you bring me here?!"
"I thought they migh' be, ya know—" Hagrid tried to inch his way to the boy, as his head whipped in all directions, trying to keep an eye on everything happening— "be a little less riled up if I brought ya along."
"Why me?!"
"You're young!" Hagrid growled. "They don' usually put kids'n danger!"
Xavier's face flushed red with disbelief. "Bloody hell, Hagrid, I'm about to turn seventeen!"
Hagrid blinked at the boy, as understanding floated over his features. "Oh yeh—" He said and then ducked to avoid the kick of a hoof.
Madam Pomfrey fought back her biting words, as she put a damp cloth soaked in antiseptic to the boy's temple. Xavier hissed and winced, as the liquid stung the cuts on his face.
"I guess students are allowed to do as they please now, are they?" She said stiffly, pressing much harder on his face than she needed to. "As long as they have an adult present?"
"It wasn't my idea to go traipsing into the centaur camp, ya know!"
"You should have known better. You both should have known better." Madam Pomfrey shook her head agitatedly. "Is this what I'm in for as your guardian, Xavier? Should I always have a bottle of skelegrow ready? Do you care for my sanity, at all?"
"I didn't ask you to take me in! I don't need you to take care of me!"
"I wanted to—"
"You felt obligated." X suddenly spat and the woman pulled her hand away from his face, as she stared at him in surprise. "But don't bother." X continued with a reckless fire burning in his gaze. "You're off the hook. You're unburdened. I'll be an adult in a few months and then you can go back to pretending that I don't exist!"
Poppy knit her brow and stared silently at the boy. There wasn't even an inch of waver in his expression; just hard, emerald eyes that glared from within a deep darkness in his heart. Madam Pomfrey backed up a couple of steps and turned around, walking quickly away. As she passed Aurora, she handed the rag to her and said, "Please finish tending to him, Rorie. I have files to sort."
"He didn't mean it." The girl said quietly to her back, but Madam Pomfrey kept walking until she was in her office and then she shut the door behind her.
"How could you say such hurtful things to her?" Aurora whispered angrily at the boy, as she approached his bed. "She's been nothing but kind—"
"Stay out of it." Came the boy's bitter response. He kept his gaze lingering on the window and refused to look at her.
The golden eyes of the girl narrowed and she just stopped herself from smacking him in the back of the head. She had her hand outstretched, but then pulled it back.
"What's wrong?" Xavier asked with sarcasm in every inflection of his voice. "Afraid to hit me, because my father used to beat me?"
She didn't say anything, because he hit the nail on the head. That is what she was thinking. She felt so embarrassed and disgusted with herself.
"Why is it any different now?" Xavier said with a sudden sharp glance at her, where he held her gaze. "You had no problem choking the life out of me before and now you're going to tip-toe around me? Just because you know about my past, you're gonna hold it against me? You're going to treat me like I'm made of glass?"
"I-I'm sorry." Aurora felt her face flush hot and red. "I don't know what to say—"
"This is exactly why I didn't want you to know!" He suddenly yelled, face full of rage and so far from his usual carefree features. "I never should have told you! I'm not any different and you treat me as if I'm going to lose control at any moment! She does the same thing! What the hell did I do to deserve any of this?!"
Aurora stood stunned. Her face was frozen in a distressed expression, unable to hide the pity and sadness in her eyes. Xavier wanted to die right there.
"X—" she began, but an interruption came.
"Mr. Michael," said a low voice from the infirmary doorway and the boy didn't bother looking. He knew who it was.
"Professor Snape." Aurora bowed her head slightly in greeting to the man. "I'm sorry if we're being too disruptive."
"You can come serve a detention as soon as you're finished here," the man said shortly, ignoring the girl completely. "And I don't want to hear such filthy, disgusting words come from your mouth again. Do I make myself clear? I'll be taking points from you, as well."
"Mhm," was Xavier's tight-lipped response.
But Snape was obviously not satisfied with his careless display. He stepped further into the room and stared daggers at the boy. "Excuse me?"
Xavier sighed and then said more clearly, "Yes, Professor Snape."
The potions professor stared fiercely at the boy several seconds longer and then he slowly turned and glided from the room without another word.
Aurora let her breath out and mentally shook herself. That man had nothing left of his previous self. He was a shell of anger and resentment with nothing inside. It wasn't like she'd ever seen him smile before anyway, but there was always the shadow of a smirk that lingered at the corner of his lips. Now he seldom even closed his eyes or blinked. His black hues stayed frozen into slits, forever glowering and glaring. Students he used to at least tolerate, were now subjected to his constant verbal abuse on a daily basis.
He was a changed man... and not for the better.
"CANNON BALL!"
Half the Hufflepuff house shielded their faces from the spray of freezing lake water and the other half jumped in right after their king. The shore of the Black Lake was abuzz with yellow and black shed ties and robes flung from the necks of excited and joyous students.
A mop of red hair could be seen breaking the lake's surface and then a cry of delight was uttered from the boy's shivering lips.
"Praise Merlin, exams are done!"
"W-w-what were we th-th-thinking—" Benny stammered out from chattering teeth, as he struggled to stay afloat in the icy waters. "It's s-s-so c-c-cold."
"Refreshing, isn't it?" Xavier leaned back and floated there, with his arms and legs spread out like a star. "It's not so bad. January will be worse."
"It's a-almost J-January now."
"Gotta get through the holidays first, mate." X said with just a hint of bitterness.
Of course, Benny picked up on it. "Hey," he spoke a little softer and waded closer to him. "Are you s-staying at Hogwarts again? Or... m-maybe going with P-Pomfrey?"
"I think that ship has sailed, Benny." Xavier's green eyes stared up into the deep blue-grey sky. "Pom-Pom hasn't spoken to me in a couple of weeks."
"Well..." Benny hung onto the boy's shirt for support, as he began to grow tired. "Have you actually tried to t-talk to her?"
Xavier narrowed his eyes at the darkening world above. "Not exactly."
"Well..." the boy trailed off suggestively.
"Yeah, yeah. I get it." X dropped his legs back down and righted himself again to stare lamely at the red-faced boy. "But all she's going to do is tell me to get lost."
"I doubt that—"
"I was a wanker," X said seriously. "And I mean, a right foul wanker."
"That sounds gross—"
"I mean, I told her she could be rid of me soon, anyway. I don't know why I'm surprised or even..." He trailed off. Or even hurt by it, he finished in his head. Then he said aloud, much more cheerfully than he felt, "Ah well, who needs people waiting up for you when you get home? Not me. I've always thought I'd be better off living the bachelor's life." He grinned at his friend.
The boy looked back at him disapprovingly or maybe pityingly... It had better not have been a pitying look or X was going to push his head under water.
"X-Man, you can't live alone," Benny said flatly.
"Wha—why not?" Xavier looked at him half amused and half crazy.
"You don't do well alone. You'll end up climbing things."
"Climbing—" Xavier laughed.
"You'll climb things and cry on them."
"Oi, mate, you looking for a fight?" The redhead suddenly sent a wave of water at the other, but his face remained playful.
Benny sputtered and wiped his eyes. "Stop it." He coughed. "My retinas are freezing solid."
X pitched over and laughed just as well as he could while treading water. "Yeah and my balls are the size of peas right now."
"My balls have climbed back up inside of me—"
"Haha—"
"—and they're crying—"
"Mate—"
"—They also climb things and cry. You three should get coffee and chat about it."
Xavier was laughing so hard, he couldn't keep his head above water. His red head dipped under the surface for a moment and Benny's face scrunched up instantly, startled. Even in the three seconds that he was gone, the boy felt his absence. The chilly lake sent ribbons of cold anxiety through his stomach. The ribbons tightened and squeezed his insides. Then Xavier broke the surface again and the tightness was released. Benny breathed out in quiet relief.
"I think I just felt the Giant Squid brush my leg," X said seriously and wiped the water from his eyes. "Let's get out of here before it decides it wants to keep me for the holidays."
"At least you'd have someone to spend it with."
X started swimming back to shore and called over his shoulder sarcastically, "Ha! Funny!"
"You know, you could always come home with me," Benny suggested once they were back on solid ground.
The boy looked back at him incredulously. "And be subjected to your old man blaming me for you short-comings? No, thank you, sir."
"He doesn't blame you," Benny said quickly. "When has he blamed you?"
"Damn, you're not even going to defend your supposed 'short-comings'?" Xavier laughed. "And I was taking the piss... sort of. I mean, your dad does think I'm a bad influence."
"You are a bad influence."
"I think he's the only person on this whole planet that doesn't love me."
"Your ego is unmatched, good sir!" Benny clapped a hand on his shoulder and they both laughed. Time with Benny was always like that. It never stayed serious long. There was always a laugh to be had... Too bad it couldn't last.
Madam Pomfrey was waiting at the entrance for them.
Xavier stood dripping in the entrance hall. He shivered slightly, as he kept his eyes pointed at the floor. He felt defensive. He felt that way, but he didn't know why. The woman had just asked him to go home with her for the holidays. Out of nowhere, after such a long stretch of silence between them, after he'd said terrible things to her, why the hell would she want to spend Christmas and the New Year with him? Why was she continuing this obligatory stance of noble guardian?
"Do you have other plans?" Madam Pomfrey inquired with a surprising amount of calm when the boy stayed silent.
X shook his head slowly and then raised his head to look at her in something that might have resembled offense.
The woman swallowed, but other than that, her expression didn't change. "Alright," she said a little more gently. "So, no plans, then. You just don't wish to come with me."
The boy still stared at her. His expression was hard and his brows were drawn down and, to her, it must have seemed as though he was appalled at her inquiry. But those eyebrows were stationed in a stance of utter confusion and bewilderment.
"Alright, I understand," she said just as gently and then walked away.
Xavier stared after her, eyes widening all the time. He felt his feet move from beneath him and he took a couple of steps. "Why?" He said.
They weren't alone in the entrance hall. There were actually a lot of students and staff walking in and out of the Great Hall for bites of dinner to eat and conversing by the staircase, discussing where they were going on holiday. There was a lot of jammer and chatter and he hadn't spoken very loudly, but Madam Pomfrey hadn't gotten very far yet. She also must have just been able to pick his voice out of the crowd easily. Perhaps she was just listening for his voice... But when he spoke, she turned back around with raised eyebrows.
"Why, what?" She asked with an honest voice.
Xavier walked closer. "Why are you pretending like everything is fine?"
"I am not—"
"Why are you pretending like I never said all of those horrible things to you?" His voice was more astounded than it was angry and Pomfrey sighed and walked back to him.
"I'm not." She said crisply and pressed her lips together a moment, as she stood in front of him. "You did say terrible things. You were out of line and insensitive. But why should that mean we can't spend the holidays together?"
"Why would you want to?" X shook his head in disbelief. "Is your sense of responsibility for me that strong? You'd force yourself to spend time with me—"
"I am not forcing myself to do anything," the woman said a little louder and tilted her chin higher. "I don't do anything that I don't wish to do." She paused a moment to look at him closer and then said more quietly, "You spent all summer at my home, Xavier. Why are you acting this way now? Weren't we getting along fine?"
The boy's green eyes slid to the side and away from her. Yes. They had been getting along fine. Things had been good; nearly too good. It was all too good to last. His chest rose with a deep breath and then sunk back down in a heavy sigh. "I'm sorry. I... You're right. The summer was fine. It's just coming back here..."
Madam Pomfrey pulled her lips to the side in an understanding grimace. "It's different?"
"Well, every year is different, Pom-Pom." X gave the smallest smile, as he looked at her again. "But I was able to kind of remove myself mentally from this place over the summer and then I came back and it's like all of the baggage started to pile on again..."
The small woman was quiet another moment, contemplating the boy's mental state. She clasped her hands in front of her and stared thoughtfully at their feet. "All the more reason to get out of here, no? We'll have fun. We'll watch the funny people on the picture box."
Xavier put a hand to his forehead and chuckled. "Dear Merlin, Pom-Pom, it's called a telly."
"Do you want to come?" Pomfrey asked seriously. "If you don't want to, that's fine. Just tell me now so I can make the appropriate preparations."
"What kind of preparations?"
The woman tilted her head slightly. "If you're not going to go, then I have no reason to either. I'll not pack my things. So, which is it?"
Xavier let a breath out, as he crossed his arms and stared at his feet. He was getting used to her blunt and honest words. She really didn't dilly dally about things. He was a little put off by it at first, because he thought it meant that she didn't like him... but he was starting to learn now...
"Can we make fruit cake?"
Madam Pomfrey raised her eyebrows and fought the lip-curl of amusement that struggled to surface on her face. "Fruit cake?" She asked. "Do you like fruit cake?"
Xavier shrugged and raised a brow of his own, eyes still at their feet. "Not really." He paused for a long time and then swallowed, adding in a mumble, "It's just a tradition."
The school matron watched his melancholy, freckled face and nodded. "Yes, we can make fruit cake."
X glanced up and let another small smile form on his lips. Then his eyes shifted over and caught the golden ones just behind his aunt and he looked away automatically.
"Are you two going home for Christmas?" Aurora asked pleasantly, stepping up to Pomfrey's side.
The woman straightened slightly and allowed a pleased smile to claim her features. "Why, yes, Rorie," she said clearly, with a nod of approval at the boy. "We are."
Xavier jammed his hands in his pockets and snapped his head to the side, staring away from the other two. "Yeah, so? Who wants to know?"
Aurora stared with half-closed lids of annoyance. "Literally, me, X. I just asked."
"Who?" He glanced the other way, eyes saucer-ing dramatically. "What is this? A ghost? A specter, I say?"
"You prat."
"I feel..." he rubbed his fingers together and squinted his eyes, "hostility in the air!"
"Well, have fun." Aurora said shortly, but her voice was still somehow kind and the result was eye contact from the boy, at last. His emerald hues sparkled.
"Will you be having fun?" He inquired carefully, eyebrows raised in hopeful interest.
Aurora paused for too long, before she gave a gentle smile. "We'll see. Gabe is finally well enough to leave St. Mungo's and he's supposed to go home with Clover."
"He's only just leaving?" Madam Pomfrey cut in with an edge of concern. "It's been almost a year."
Xavier saw the girl bristle slightly and he felt shame well up inside.
"Well, he had a lot of setbacks..." Aurora trailed off, eyes glued suddenly to some spot on the floor. Then she blinked and added with another smile at the school matron, "But he's better now. Not great, but better. Hopefully spending Christmas with people who love him will cheer him up."
Madam Pomfrey smiled reassuringly. "Of course, it will. He'll be thrilled just to get out of the hospital, I'm sure."
"Have you heard from Lucinda?" X suddenly asked, after a beat. "Has she written you?"
Aurora bristled again, but this time her eyes went a little wider, because she knew what was about to happen. Maybe X would have known, too, had he been facing the other way. He also would have been smart enough not to mention the girl's name, had he seen who stood just behind him.
"Mr. Michael."
Xavier's green eyes grew to match the gold ones that looked at him. He turned around and locked gazes with the black ones that glared viciously at him.
"Professor Snape—"
"Fifty points from Hufflepuff," Snape spat out and Xavier sputtered.
"Fifty—"
"Severus, don't be ridiculous." Madam Pomfrey suddenly stepped between the two men, with her own glare. "He hasn't done anything."
"I heard him speak profane words," the man said lowly, head tipped down in a striking stance. "They were disgusting words and I will not allow them to be spoken so carelessly."
"And I don't retract my original statement." The woman's tone was clipped. "You are being ridiculous."
Severus turned—if possible—more vicious, as he took a dangerous step toward the woman. "And you are a disgrace to this school, as long as you play favorite with your sniveling nephew and coddle the little orphan."
Aurora actually took a step toward them, as well, hands balled into fists, and Madam Pomfrey was a split second away from striking someone for the first time in her life.
But then the Headmaster intervened.
"Severus..." the old man said evenly, standing by the entrance to the Great Hall.
The potions master glanced over at the man, but his dangerous expression stayed.
Dumbledore didn't look put-off in the slightest. He simply smiled pleasantly and then turned away. "Come," he said and waved a hand toward him, not looking back.
Severus looked at the other three still watching him. His empty eyes stayed on the boy a few seconds longer and then he turned and left without another word.
After the tension was dispersed, Xavier excused himself to go pack for the holiday. Once he was alone in his dormitory, he lay on his bed and cried.
Snow fell heavy Christmas Eve. Xavier pulled the fruit cake from the cabinet and inspected it, peeling back the cheese cloth and examining the moist outer shell. He bent and breathed in, closing his eyes. The sherry was pleasant under his nose, but not too strong. It had actually turned out alright.
He used to make it every Christmas with his father. They used orange liqueur. His mother would sit on the sofa, cup of tea in hand, her head leaned back and eyes watching the snow falling beyond the sitting room window. When the cakes had cooled, and they soaked cloths with the liqueur, his father would cover them in the boozed-up wrappings with one hand and take a swig from the bottle with the other. He laughed and put his arm around Xavier's shoulders. He kissed his temple and whispered, "Smell that? That is tradition. That is Christmas."
It helped that it didn't smell the same. Or maybe it was worse. He couldn't decide. He re-soaked the cloths in the sherry and then placed them back around the cake. It could be eaten now, but he wanted it to ruminate in the alcohol as long as possible. His fingers were a little clumsy and there was a part of him that felt that they didn't belong there. He felt guilty about it, but the stronger the smell of that cake, the stronger he felt his father's presence. He could feel his arm about his shoulder, as he tipped that bottle back with a sniffing chuckle.
Xavier stared at the bottle in his hand. The cork was still out and he bent his head slightly to hover over the opening. His nose brushed the rim, as he closed his eyes and breathed in deep. His sinuses burned with the onset of emotions and he shook them away.
Then he heard his aunt come through the front door of her flat—or was it their flat now?—and he pulled the bottle away from his face. He rubbed his nose with the back of his hand vigorously.
"All they had left were the cheap crackers." Madam Pomfrey pouted almost in an offhand gesture, setting the bags down in the middle of the sitting room floor. "So, I got twice as many... Do you think we can pop sixty-eight in one evening?"
"Most definitely," Xavier called from the kitchen in an equally offhand manner. He quickly corked the bottle and put it back in the cabinet, along with the cakes. "Alright, let's take a gander and see what kind of cheap we're talking." The boy stepped into the sitting room and crouched to look at the bags on the floor, hands busying themselves in the colorful wrappers. "Because there's decent cheap and then there's dangerous cheap and I am in it for the dangerous ones. Sometimes they just fill those suckers with gunpowder and there's not even a prize—"
"Xavier."
"Just, kablooey! My dad nearly blew his hand off one year. Good thing my uncle Elmer was on the other end of that one, because he already had three missing fingers, anyway—"
"Xavier," Madam Pomfrey said again, just as calmly as the first time, though this time something in her hands caught the light and flashed in his eyes.
The young man looked over at her with curiosity twinkling in his eyes, but then they fell to the open book in her lap. The plastic squares reflected the light from the above lamp and Xavier recognized it as a photo album.
"I thought you might like to... look at them." Poppy placed skinny fingers atop the pictures and looked at him with peaked brow. X met her gaze.
"Photographs?" He inquired slowly, suspicion building inadvertently. He rose up from the floor and stepped up to her side to stare over her shoulder. "What kind of..."
His mother's face looked back at him and smothered the thought in his throat. He saw her smile sadly, as she buried her face in his aunts dress-front. They were just children in the photograph. Pomfrey's eyebrow was cocked with an impish quality, as she held her little sister to her chest.
"I thought perhaps you hadn't seen moving photographs of your mother." Poppy spoke easily and calmly, turning the page to reveal another set of moving moments from her childhood. She looked up to gauge his reaction. "Have you?"
Xavier's gaze wandered the pages with concentration and wonder. With knit-brow, he shook his head.
"Ah, alright then..." She looked down, settling back into the sofa a little more comfortably. She was going to turn to another page, but then hesitated. She looked back up at his face. "Do you want to?"
His mossy eyes didn't leave the book. They roamed back and forth, as he swallowed. Then he simply nodded, unable to say anything.
Seemingly satisfied, Madam Pomfrey continued with the display. She pointed to a photo of a giggling baby with large, doughy eyes.
"That was actually the first time she'd laughed." Poppy spoke casually and with a pleasant inflection. "Our father couldn't believe he'd caught it right then and there." The woman's lips twitched for a moment and she pressed them together.
"Her first laugh," she said quietly.
Xavier stared down at the side of his aunts face and it was like he was finally seeing her for the stranger that she was. He suddenly had this over-whelming feeling that he shouldn't be there. He didn't belong there. He didn't belong to her. Who was he? Who was he to her?
Who was he to anyone?
He thought the joy of the holidays and being with family would have put her in a more carefree mood, but he was mistaken. Upon arrival at the school after New Year's, Aurora came back more closed off than ever. She pulled away from him, much more than she ever had. She barely spoke a word to him (not that he was feeling very talkative anyway...) and it continued for days. Then days turned to weeks and weeks turned into months. It continued until the end of the year.
Another year gone and Xavier had nothing to show for it. He had an aunt who he thought perhaps at least cared for him, but he wasn't sure if she loved him. He knew that was a lot to ask for, though, especially coming from someone who barely knew him. Did she really know him? Did she really want all that he was, baggage and all? He couldn't imagine it. He could never do it. He could never take on what she had. He guessed that was why it was so hard for him to accept or to trust when she said she wanted him with her. She wanted to spend time with him and live together and be a family. Did she use the word 'family'? He couldn't recall now. Had she ever said that word..?
"You going to visit this summer?" Benny smiled hopefully.
Xavier pointed a finger gun at him and clicked his tongue. "Not a chance."
The blonde boy's smile didn't falter. "Wow, fuck me, right?"
A sharp bark of laughter burst from the redhead. He pitched over on his dormitory bed and sighed into the covers. "Oh god, I'm gonna miss ya Benny boy." When the other didn't respond, X raised his head.
Benny looked back at him with that same apprehensive worry that seemed to plague him all year.
"I didn't mean anything by that, for Merlin's sake." X put fingertips to his temple and shook his head. "I meant for the summer."
"I know that," the boy said quickly. "Oh course, I know that."
"I'm not going anywhere. You think I'm not coming back?"
Benny thought about it and then gave a reluctant shrug. "I wasn't sure..."
"You think I'm gonna off myself." Xavier blurted harshly. The humor in his eyes was gone now.
"No—" Benny shook his head.
"Yes." Xavier nodded with large movements and stared with wide eyes. "Yes, you do."
"I never said that."
"You don't have to." The redhead's face looked on with exasperation and melancholy. "I can see it in your eyes, Benny. You're scared. You're scared all the time, watching me like I'm a ghost that's haunting you."
"I don't know what my eyes do—"
"I'm not weak!" X declared suddenly; defiantly. "I'm not my parents! I am nothing like my parents! I'm—I'm not going to run away!"
"Okay," his friend said quickly, with unblinking eyes and a firm nod. "Okay, X-Man, I believe you."
"Do you?" Xavier grumbled and sank back into his pillow with his hands folded behind his head. "You sure you can trust me?"
Benny frowned. "I... I thought so..."
Xavier frowned, as well. He stared at the canopy above him and sighed. Why was he being like this..? "I can't even trust myself," he whispered.
Their departure from the school came with such calm that it seemed almost inappropriate to leave for the summer in such a comatose state. Xavier wasn't even sure he'd be back, even though he reassured Benny that he would. It really made it difficult to walk out those doors, knowing that he may not come back... What did he have left there? He didn't even know what he wanted out of life, anymore. What was he educating himself for?
But, as he was about to leave, his confidence rose slightly at the sound of Aurora's voice calling from behind.
"See you in September," she said.
X looked over his shoulder at her. Students filed past and around him and the setting sun set his hair aflame in a burnt sienna halo. The deep orange lit the young woman's eyes up like pools of molten lava and they shimmered at him. Her gaze was unwavering, but it was unsure, as well. He didn't think he'd be back after this, but she looked at him like she wanted confirmation. Well, it was just like her to wait until the very last second to drop her walls, if only just a little. Pathetic as it was, Xavier only needed that slight bit of hope to make his decision to come back. If Aurora was coming back, so was he. He would try one more time. He would try...
X stretched his arm out towards her and put a thumb up. "That's a promise," he said and grinned. Before his face could fall again, he turned back around and walked down the front steps of the castle. Did she smile back? He didn't know. He wanted her to smile at him. He wanted her to choke the life out of him. He wanted her to be Rorie again and to pummel him with little fists of annoyance. But he'd ruined that. He'd made her afraid. He'd made her sorry and regretful and exactly like him.
Now he had one more year to make everything right again.
When you're surrounded by trees and stars your whole life, you forget to miss them. You look up and barely see them. You take them for granted, until it's too late. You don't realize the comfort you take in those things until they're gone. When skies are filled with buildings and the ground is covered with concrete, you can't breathe. When the closest grass is ten blocks away, you grow it in your window sill; you fill pots with dirt and grow little bundles of herbs on your balcony. Because when there is no green and there are no stars, the world feels a little less magical. And in a world where you can't use magic... it's the little things that get you through.
Scissors snipped the withered leaves of the little plant and nimble fingers held them suspended in the air. Then she took a deep breath, closed her eyes, and blew the leaves from the balcony. A second later, Lucinda was pulled from her ponderings, as the mail slot on her front door clattered. She looked over her shoulder and stared through the open doorway, toward the dark entryway in her flat. She didn't get post often, honestly. Unless it was from her parents. They were the only ones who knew where she was... besides her cousin Lina. But Lina just called her on the telephone. Her parents still mostly wrote letters. Old habits and all...
The young woman stood up from her crouched position and walked back into the flat, making her way to the new letter on the floor. There was no return address, but her name and place of residence was hand-written. Her brows cinched together as she held the envelope and stared at it in confusion. There was something about the way that "Miss" looked in front of her name...
Lucinda tore the envelope open and read the letter within, with shaking hands and a thundering heart.
Miss Morgan,
I'm thinking of offing myself.
Thought you ought to know.
Hope you're doing well.
Your Friend,
Jasper
