Chapter 38

A few days had passed since his return to Ba Sing Se, and Aang found himself increasingly confused and frustrated about the situation he had placed himself in. He hated to admit it, but he had no idea what he was doing, and he started to suspect that whatever he was doing was only making things worse and worse between him and Katara.

While she was never openly angry or hostile towards him, gone was the warmth she had always graced him with. Aang spent countless attempts to engage and entertain her in all sorts of ways, and even if Katara accepted his company, he quickly became discouraged by how disinterested she clearly was. Katara rejected all of his attempts to ask her out in any way that could be interpreted as a date, insisting that Sokka accompanied them, which would be an obvious hindrance to Aang's plans. In short, Katara was doing her best to tell him that she was no longer interested in him romantically. The only trouble was, Aang was not prepared to accept it, not after they had spent so much time together as what most observers would describe as a perfectly happy and harmonious couple.

Aang did not feel good about the circumstances that motivated Katara to stay at the Ba Sing Se estate. He knew he was almost forcing her to remain by his side with his vague promises of possibly helping Zuko. It left him with a bad taste in his mouth, but he just about managed to convince himself that he had to do whatever it took to win Katara back. Hadn't she complained upon breaking up with him that one of the reasons for their breakup was that he didn't show enough passion in trying to win her back? At least Aang had felt that it had been what Katara had implied. In which case she had no reason to complain, he was just doing what she wanted him to do, fighting tooth and nail to win her back.

Obviously, Aang didn't quite manage to convince himself with those shabby explanations, and feelings of guilt continued to wrack him as more and more time passed by. For a while, he managed to distract himself by transforming these feelings of guilt into anger which he then directed at Zuko. He tried to convince himself, and also Katara, that Zuko was becoming increasingly ruthless and power hungry, doomed to follow in his father's footsteps, citing his execution of Ozai as a proof. He told himself that Zuko did not deserve someone like Katara, he was simply not worthy of her. Zuko might have atoned for some of his past sins, but to Aang, he could never do enough to be worthy of someone as clean and pure as Katara.

Now and then, while struggling to fall asleep at night, Aang wondered about events of the past, and how now, in hindsight, he would choose to act differently upon them. It was particularly biting that Katara had actually been the one so fiercely opposed to accepting Zuko into their group and as his firebending teacher, and they had all fought so hard to convince her to agree. I wish I hadn't tried to convince her, Aang thought to himself. I wish I had done as she said and found another firebending teacher. Ugh, maybe I could have convinced the Combustion Man to join us instead! He wouldn't have stolen Katara from me.

Some of his thoughts turned even more darker and vengeful. He felt guilty about these fantasies, but now and then he could not stop imagining Zuko perishing at the hands of his father, his sister Azula, or just dying in some freak accident. However, these dark thoughts just made Aang feel even worse, they provided no relief whatsoever. Despite his raging jealousy, he knew that Zuko had suffered plenty of hardships during his childhood, and he felt terrible about wishing some kind of misfortune on his rival.

As for his friends, Sokka remained completely clueless about what was going on, Katara not telling him anything either, so the two of them were able to maintain their normal relationship. Toph, however, had been a different matter altogether. Before leaving the previous day, she had pulled him aside to tell him in no uncertain terms how disappointed she was with his behavior. Aang had been too ashamed to respond and try to defend himself, remaining silent until Toph had left. He had tried to shrug it off, but it had hurt... Toph was not someone who usually decided to get involved into the emotional tangles of others, and for her to speak out... it made Aang realize that perhaps he truly was doing something that was deeply wrong.

The worst part had come the evening of the day Toph had left. He had forced a rather apathetic looking Katara to play a couple of rounds of Pai Sho with him, but then she had retreated back to her room, listless and downcast. Sometime later, Aang had gone to check up on her, hoping to find her in better spirits, but instead, through the gap in the doors, he had observed her lying in the bed curled in a fetal position, pressing her new necklace against her lips as tears fell from her closed eyes.

The sight of her crying felt like a blow to Aang's stomach. He felt sickened at being the cause for her sadness and despair. And she was clutching that beautiful new necklace of hers, clearly a gift from Zuko. Aang had no illusions about just whom she was thinking at that moment, her thoughts were with Zuko, and it was clear that Katara longed for nothing else than to be reunited with him. But still, while feeling like a complete heel, Aang still wasn't sure he could let go. The clearer he saw the depths of her feelings for Zuko, the more he understood the depths of his own feelings for her. He was madly in love with her, he was infatuated, he was obsessed, and he couldn't give up on her.

It had taken some time, but eventually Aang was forced to admit that he needed help. He needed advice with the situation in which he lacked any experience and found himself way in over his head. Shame and guilt over his recent actions had so far stopped him from contacting his own past lives, but now he could no longer deny the necessity. Locking himself in his room, Aang entered a deep meditative state, reaching out for whoever of his past lives would respond with hopefully helpful advice.

When Aang opened his eyes, he found himself in a tower of one of the air temples, quickly recognizing it as the residence of Guru Pathik, the Eastern Air Temple. However, it was not the old guru who was currently keeping him company, sitting in a lotus position next to him, but rather the previous Air Nomad avatar, the compassionate and wise Yangchen.

"Avatar Yangchen," Aang was relieved to see her. This felt like something that would be better discussed with a woman, and Yangchen was a much better option than the fiery, more direct Kyoshi. "Am I glad to see you."

"Likewise, Aang," Yangchen smiled softly at him. "I sense that you are weighed down by a heavy burden, young Avatar."

"Then you know what I want to ask about?" Aang said, Yangchen nodding at him serenely. "I am so confused, Yangchen... I don't know what I am doing. Should I keep fighting for Katara? Or should I let her go, even though it would hurt so much?"

"I cannot answer you directly, Aang, but I can share my own experience with you in hopes that it will help," Yangchen replied. "As you know, many Air Nomads practice and teach the necessity to distance themselves from emotional entanglements and physical possessions. As an Avatar, I fundamentally disagreed with these teachings. It was my utmost conviction that in order to serve capably as an Avatar, I had to maintain strong emotional ties with the rest of humankind, which meant living alongside my peers and allowing myself to experience the same feelings and emotions that were a part of the life of every human being. And so, the feelings that I sense in you are not unfamiliar to me."

"How did you deal with these feelings?" Aang asked.

"By making many mistakes, young Avatar, and by learning from these mistakes," Yangchen smiled serenely. "I was as prone to falling in love as any other human, especially in my younger years, when I also had the least experience to handle these emotions well. We like to imagine that falling in love is a wonderful thing, but... the truth is that often it does not lead where we hope it would lead."

"Tell me about it," Aang sighed deeply.

"I would like to tell you a story that just might contain a valuable lesson, if you would care to hear it," Yangchen offered, Aang giving her a quick nod. "I was in my early twenties when I fell in love with a remarkable young man. Even at his own tender age, he was already an influential figure in Earth Kingdom politics, a regional governor," Yangchen began her tale. "Now and then, I had to make decisions that would affect the territory he governed, and as time went by and our relationship deepened, I began struggling to maintain my objectivity. I began to side with him more often than I should have, and I angered spirits as well as the governors of his neighboring regions. And I also began to ignore certain rumors that concerned my beloved..."

"What rumors?" Aang prodded, feeling captivated by Yangchen's tale.

"Of him working together with pirates of the Fifth Nation to attack his fellow Earth Kingdom governors," Yangchen sighed. "It was true, of course. When I learned the truth, I felt devastated and betrayed."

"And rightly so, he did betray you!" Aang exclaimed.

"If only that were so simple," Yangchen replied. "You see, Aang... he truly did love me back, more than anything, and I believe that even now. But unfortunately, he had taken my blind and unconditional love as a tacit support for everything that he did, and he genuinely believed that I would approve of him expanding his territories through conquest. That's the extent to which obsessive love can blind us, Aang."

"Are you saying that my love for Katara will lead me to doing something that will have terrible consequences?" Aang asked, feeling uncertain.

"Not necessarily," Yangchen replied. "But there is great danger that it can throw you off the narrow and delicate path of balance that you must maintain as the Avatar. And are you certain that it has not already done so, Aang?"

"What... what do you mean?" Aang managed nervously.

"Your feelings for this girl, Katara," Yangchen spoke softly. "Are they not already affecting the balance of this world?"

"I... I'm not sure what you..." Aang began to reply, but then forced himself to fall silent. Katara and Zuko love each other, much as I hate to admit it. And I have heard stories about how much she has helped him with bringing peace to the Fire Nation. And Zuko is more than just a boy who stole my girl. He's the key to the transition to peace in the Fire Nation, without him the whole process would collapse. And he's been directing funds to rebuilding the South Pole. Their union... it can bring balance to the Fire Nation and the Southern Water Tribe, and... and I'm standing in the way of that because I can't let go of my feelings for Katara. I'm the bloody Avatar, and yet I'm the one preventing the world from being restored to balance!

"I think you understand what I tried to tell you," Yangchen spoke softly, laying her hand on his shoulder.

"I... I think I do, yes," Aang managed a weak reply. The truth hurt and left him sad and drained... yet somehow, it also felt liberating. He finally saw what the right thing to do was, and it felt like a small reward in itself.

"You will know happiness soon, young Avatar, I'm sure of it," Yangchen smiled softly before the vision of her began to dissipate. "It just won't be with her."

Aang blinked as he found himself sitting cross-legged on his bed in the Ba Sing Se estate bedroom. With sudden clarity realizing what he had to do, Aang jumped out of the bed, unlocked the door and rushed upstairs to start knocking insistently on the doors of Katara's bedroom.

"What's all the racket about?" Sokka was the first to react, poking his sleepy head out from behind his own bedroom doors. "Is it time for breakfast, or something? Come to think of it, I am a bit hungry..."

"Sorry about waking you, Sokka, but I need to speak with Katara," Aang insisted. "Katara, please open up! It's urgent!"

A few moments later, Katara opened the doors, fully dressed, looking like she had been awake for a while, but simply unwilling to answer him. "Aang, what is it?" she asked, not unkindly, but very reserved.

"Katara, please, gather your things, we're going back to the Fire Nation," Aang spoke firmly, smiling when he saw Katara's eyes widening in shock. "Sokka, get your things too if you want to come along," he added, looking at his yawning friend.

"Nah, I'm good, I don't want to deal with the Fire Nation just yet," Sokka shrugged. "I'll just stick around here in Ba Sing Se, thank you very much."

"What's going on, why are you doing this?" Katara asked Aang, still not sure whether he was being honest with her.

"I'm going to help Zuko with his problem, and I'm going to take you back with me. I'm going to take you back to Zuko," Aang said, watching the sadness in Katara's face melt away almost instantly. "Katara, I have been acting like a complete idiot these past few days. I am so ashamed, and I owe you a massive apology. Will you ever be able to forgive me?"

"Aang... I just want us to be friends again," she whispered. "That's all I want..."

"Nothing would please me more than for us to be friends, Katara," Aang smiled at her. Sure, it hurt to say those words, but... what he said was also the truth.

"I'm so relieved, Aang," Katara managed a weak smile and then hugged him fiercely before releasing him again. "I... I'll start packing then," she added with a shy smile.

"You do that, Katara. Appa and I will be waiting for you outside," Aang nodded at her. "It's about time we brought you back home."