Chapter Thirty Eight: The Tinglies. They are everywhere. Is it contagious?

I don't own Naruto, any of its characters, or any references in this story. If I did, horrible things would happen. Neither do I own any other anime that I reference. I do own all OC's and new Jutsu in the story as well as every ounce of pure awesome spawned by this.

o. o. o.

"So," Kiba hummed out loud, walking side by side with his friends. Most of his class, teachers, and a few others were gathered, with only the Oogakari missing. "On a scale from one to cow, how badly do you guys think this is gonna suck?"

"If you have to ask, you already know the answer," Sasuke replied dryly, keeping pace with Kakashi right next to him.

"Cow it is," the Cyclops agreed as he turned the page of the latest book he was invested in.

"I'm serious." Kiba frowned slightly, holding his ground. "Naruto just got up, and he called us all over to a remote training ground from out of nowhere? Not Tsunade-sama, but him? I'm not that close to him, but even I know he hates taking charge and throwing his weight around if he can help it."

"Kiba's got a point," Kurenai sighed. "If Naruto's acting out, it's usually for a reason. Especially in his condition."

"There's no use worrying about it. We'd find out sooner or later regardless." Asuma let out a cloud of smoke from his nostrils. "Hopefully he won't cause too much of a stir. He's leaving for the Land of Iron in a couple of days if I'm right. Him, Tsunade, Jiraiya, Shizune, Kakashi, and Sasuke if I remember right."

"No, Jiraiya-sama's staying here," Hinata corrected him. "With how tense international relations will be, we thought it was best if we didn't have another S ranked shinobi as part of Konoha's staff. I'm going instead."

"You?" Tenten blinked in surprise, and she wasn't the only one. "Sasuke, I could understand with that crazy Uchiha running around, but do you think it's a good idea for you to come as well? I mean, you're trained in politics and all, but there's going to be a load of heavy hitters at this meeting."

"I believe Hinata can handle herself," Shino defended his teammate, "There is a reason why Naruto is afraid of her… outside of her antics."

"Hinata's plenty strong." Sasuke shrugged; for him it was reason enough. "Plus she'll make Naruto tolerable for most of the trip. Flying or not, it's going to take a while to get to Iron."

"I'm not doubting her strength. She set off a freaking volcano for crying out loud." Tenten grunted, half of the people present flinching at the word 'volcano.' "I'm talking politically. This whole mess is sensitive as hell. The Hyuga are notoriously stingy when it comes to backing anyone publically and everyone knows it. Having Hinata personally appear in person to the Summit is putting a lot at risk for them."

"Tenten's right, my participation is a great risk," Hinata agreed. "But after everything that has happened, we need to show the rest of the villages that it isn't just a handful of notable people that will support Naruto from now on. We all know that something big is happening soon that most of the world isn't aware of. The faster we can convince others that this isn't some niche paranoia that only a handful of people believe in, the faster we can get additional cooperation."

"And since you got the ok to go, I'm guessing that your father's already made his decision on whom to support," Shikamaru noted with a lazy tone, not bothering to look at her for confirmation.

"You speak as though your own father remains undecided, Shikamaru," Hinata huffed in response.

"Hinata's dad is supposed to be a really stubborn guy." Choji hummed as he munched on his usual snacks. "I'm more surprised he actually went through with this in the first place. I thought he'd be more the type to stay on the sidelines for a bit before sticking his neck out on something like this."

"He normally would," Kurenai agreed. "The Hyuga family rarely make the first move on controversial topics, let alone so openly."

"Let's just say I was very convincing."

o. o. o.

Two days ago at the Hyuga compound:

Hinata sat in front of her father and the elders with a peaceful smile that did nothing to hide the terrifying aura around her.

"…"

"…"

"…"

"… Help me or I'm going to the Oogakari." Hinata slowly lifted up a document that, much to their horror, had ALL FIVE of their signatures on it…

Wait. Scratch that. Six signatures. Zuzushi has somehow signed it too.

"We'll help!"

Hiashi liked to think he was on good terms with the clan of lunatics, but even he had his limits.

o. o. o.

Everyone looked at Hinata skeptically.

"It wasn't too difficult."

"Good Log you're going to be a terrifying diplomat," Asuma cringed, his face deflating. "That's going to take some time to get used to."

"I think everyone will need to adjust to it. The Log is a lie." Kurenai patted him on the shoulder sympathetically.

Only her boyfriend and Kakashi failed to hold back small sobs of betrayal and dismay.

"Log aside, something tells me that Naruto's going to need that terrifying diplomat in Iron." Kiba shook his head. "It's going to be a massive meeting of the biggest shinobi names in the elemental nations, and with egos to match. I don't know about you guys, but I don't think Naruto's normal approach is going to go over well over there."

Several of them grimaced, just trying to picture how things might turn out. True, Naruto had developed good relationships with most of those attending the meeting, but that did not mean it would be easy.

Before anyone could voice their opinion on just how Naruto was likely to screw things up, they felt the arrival of two new individuals from behind. "Excuse me. Are we to understand that Naruto Uzumaki is in this direction?"

The group paused and turned to see two kunoichi with an unfamiliar flower symbol on their headbands. One was a middle aged woman while the other looked around in her teens, but both were rather attractive.

Kakashi tilted his head to the side slightly. Why did they look familiar and why did he suddenly feel like he should be somewhere else? "He is, however this gathering is rather private. Naruto Uzumaki is still under high protection so access to him is restricted. You look familiar though. Have we met?"

The woman frowned slightly before regaining her composure. "We met a little over a month ago in Spring Country, Kakashi Hatake. I am Tokiwa, an attendant for Lady Shizuka, who is next in line for the Leader of our village. We discussed the obligation of the Sanin Jiraiya's student with her before you guided us here to arrange a meeting."

Due to Kakashi and Sasuke being at the front of the group when they were travelling, they were behind everyone when they turned around.

That meant that they were behind Hinata when Tokiwa made her statement.

It did not stop them, or anyone else, from noticing the Hyuga Princess' chakra and murdering intent spike instantly. Nor her Byakugan activating.

Sasuke and Kakashi didn't dare move from their spots.

"Position compromised." Sasuke's hands flickered in ANBU Code. In other words, "She can see us."

"Verified." Kakashi gestured back, or otherwise interpreted as, "I know."

"Position compromised." Sasuke repeated, more frantically.

"Verified." Kakashi's gesture was no less subtle.

"Position compromised."

"Silence critical." Kakashi glared at his student, using a signal that was unofficially used by ANBU to say "Shut the fuck up or you'll kill us all."

"Kakashi-sensei? Sasuke-san? Can either of you care to elaborate what this woman is speaking about?" Hinata asked in a polite and calm tone that fooled absolutely no one, underscored by the fact no one was standing within ten feet of her anymore.

"Sensei did it. The rest of the team just laughed about it. Sakura and Ino knew about it too." Sasuke felt no shame throwing everyone under the bus. He knew where his priorities were. There was a reason why no one ever willingly pissed off Hinata.

"Traitor," Kakashi hissed.

"And you did not think to inform me?" Hinata's tone was as frosty as the void of space.

"We were under the assumption that we'd be at a safe distance when you learned of this." And by 'safe distance,' Sasuke meant in another country on a mission. On the other side of the village at bare minimum.

"Is there an issue?" It didn't take a moment of insight for the Nadeshiko Kunoichi to tell that something was amiss.

"Naruto is her boyfriend," Tenten answered from a safe distance away. "Hinata is very… adamant, about that fact. Especially after recent events."

Adamant was one way of putting it, considering the fact that any and all mobs of fangirls that tried to even get close to Naruto were scared away by her. Many times violently.

The only reason why Shion didn't get the same treatment was because Naruto had given her his seal of approval. Which, in Hinata's mind, meant that the priestess was an ally, had earned her keep, was important, actually cared about Naruto as a person, and most importantly, was smart enough not to steal Naruto away from her.

"Hinata." Kakashi risked being the focus of the enraged girl's attention again. "Please do keep your temper in check. We don't want to risk another international incident focused around Naruto, especially now of all times."

She did not look his way, partially because her Byakugan was still active. "Of course Sensei. I suppose I'll have to make due and express my frustrations on an internal matter or two for now."

"Situation critical." Sasuke's hands moved frantically.

"Silence critical." Kakashi's hands snapped back before looking at the clearly confused and slightly wary newcomers. "Yes. Well, a bit late but welcome to Konoha. I hope that your stay has been, I can't say uneventful given the circumstances, but pleasant. And, for everyone else here, can you briefly summarize why exactly Shizuka-san is, tentatively, engaged to my former student?"

Hinata's chakra momentarily spiked to the point that the ground beneath her feet cracked.

"Preferably in fifteen words or less."

Tokiwa and Shizuka glanced at one another momentarily before the former took a step forward. "The Sannin Jiraiya and the late leader of our village arranged an agreement decades ago to match their respective students. Recent events in our village have prompted us to make good on that arrangement."

"Three graves." Hinata whispered ominously, her eyes shining white with pure murderous intent.

"I always knew Jiraiya's antics would get him killed one day." Shikamaru shook his head. "Never thought it would be because he passed a buck that big onto Naruto though."

Before another word could be said between the two groups, a sudden gust of wind blew through the trees, saturated with a feeling of absolute, casual power.

"Oi guys. What's the hold up? What's going on? Why am I feeling a distinct desire to commit crimes against humanity from someone when I haven't done anything yet?" Naruto's voice echoed from all directions at once.

"That's…" Tokiwa blinked in surprise as she looked up at the sky.

"We have a bit of a development brewing, Naruto," Kakashi spoke quickly before anyone else could make things worse. "We might need your input on this to help cool things over before Hinata kills someone."

"… And why is my input in particular needed for this?" It was abundantly clear that Naruto was not comfortable with where this conversation was going.

"In a nutshell, at some point Jiraiya sold one of his students off to get hitched in the future so he wouldn't, and the other party's cashing in." Shikamaru summarized.

For several long moments, there was no response.

For several longer moments, there was a loud and anguished girly scream in the distance.

"Jiraiya-sama's with you right now, isn't he?" Kurenai deadpanned.

"Baa-chan too." Naruto's tone was dead and emotionless. "Just… everyone just come over here. Might as well get this all over with."

The landscape shook, as if a massive object had hit the earth.

"… Also might want to show everyone the rare sight of a Sanin on all fours begging for his life and forgiveness."

"It appears that the rumors of Jiraiya-sama's personality and escapades were not as unfounded as we assumed." Shizuka hummed emotionlessly.

"If only." Most of the Konoha shinobi replied with matching tones and expressions.

Another, smaller gust of wind blew through the area. "On a side note, before I forget. Hinata, no."

"But-" The Hyuga protested.

"Hinata. NO." Naruto held his ground firmly.

"… Fine." She sulked. It wasn't often that she lost an argument against Naruto, but it wasn't often that he actually put his foot down on matters either.

The fact that he had bothered to do so in the first place was not missed by anyone that remotely knew him.

Kakashi looked around, outwardly appearing as aloof as usual, but inwardly breathing a sigh of relief that everyone's attention had been taken off of him.

At least, that was his thought process, until Hinata showed that she was still looking at him with her Byakugan.

Whoever thought that the world's problems would start to ebb away now that Kaguya and Hidan were dealt with needed to be stabbed in the face. Preferably by him. Many times.

o. o. o.

The training grounds were a wide and open field. Flat, and perfect for open sparring.

Naruto stood in front of the newcomers, leaning heavily on a crutch, accompanied by the Wood user Yamato, Tsunade, and to the side, a pile of wounded meat huddled in a ball.

Many called it Jiraiya of the Sannin.

"Correct me if I'm wrong, but to summarize your village's version of courting: you pick fights with strong shinobi you like in a primitive practice of selective breeding, using mind blowing sex to convince the ones that pass judgement to go back home with you, getting knocked up, and then kicking them out on their asses when the deed is done. Is that about right?"

"They kick the husbands out as soon as a girl is born," Tsunade corrected. "If it's a boy, they try again. Then they kick out all the males that have not forsaken their home villages and proclaim loyalty to their wives and the Kunoichi there."

There wasn't much of the latter, understandably. After all, the kunoichi wanted competent sperm donors after all. There weren't many that were both strong enough to beat the women in combat, yet not strong enough to give up everything for said women.

Men thought with their dicks a lot, but conversely, their dicks tended to be retarded and have ADHD. Sooner or later, despite what most women thought, men did actually resume utilizing their higher functions again. No amount of amazing sex could blind a man to the reality of his situation for a whole nine months. Any woman that claimed that was either lying, an idiot, or had drugged the man in question badly enough to cut his lifespan by half.

"I am both disappointed that such a system can possibly still function, and unquestionably curious as to how good the sex is. I mean, it's pretty much the only thing I can think of that would enable this village to keep this up for so long."

"Really good. Addicting euphoric. Sex drugs helped." Jiraiya gasped while wriggling on the ground.

"Do you really want to subject your groin to more pain, Jiraiya?" The Hokage frowned.

"There are no testacles in my scrotum. Only conceptualized pain and misery now. You didn't tell me you were a Jashinist."

"I see you are familiar with our practices," Tokiwa acknowledged the Hokage.

"Nice to see you too, Tokiwa!" The Sage shouted in the background indignantly, clearly recognizing the elder foreign kunoichi.

"I've been to your place a couple of times during my travels. Done some trading and provided some services on occasion. I was fond of your master. She was a good woman… although forgive me for saying this, I pity her for developing a fondness for this idiot."

"You like me too," Jiraiya whimpered.

"I spent decades wallowing in self-pity Jiraiya. It's not hard to fall back into old habits when you're around."

Kiba struggled to hold back a snicker. "I don't know what's going to need more healing after this. His balls or his dignity."

"Not sure Hokage-sama will be willing to treat either anytime soon," Tenten replied.

"Look, as much as I like crazy sex stories and giving Hinata more ideas to play with at an unspecified later date," Naruto started off while pretending to ignore the blush on his girlfriend's face, "There is a time and place for these kinds of things. I'm pretty sure you two have noticed, but this isn't exactly the best situation for me to bring something like this up. No offence."

"None taken," Tokiwa bowed. "No doubt the international community is quite occupied with what has taken place in Iwagakure. Unfortunately, the situation in Nadeshiko Village is rather dire as well. We have spent far more time searching for you than anticipated, and the political strife among our elders grows by the day. It may come to civil war if measures are not taken."

"And you think that having the next leader being knocked up by Jiraiya's student will change that?" Naruto deadpanned. "I'm no virgin and do enjoy getting dirty every now and then, but any man with a hint of self-respect draws the line at carelessly getting a woman pregnant and not getting involved afterwards."

"Then it is simply a matter of convincing you then," Shizuka stepped up, her expression cool and focused.

Naruto's unamused expression didn't change as his eyes slowly turned to his irritated and somewhat twitching girlfriend. "I'm pretty sure I'm not the one you'd ultimately have to convince."

If he wasn't careful, he was pretty sure Hinata would stand in as his representative for the ritual. He did not want to risk breaking up that fiasco. Breaking up a Kunoichi fight was serious business.

Tokiwa sighed, fully aware of how this must appear to those watching. Unlike most of the Kunoichi in her village, she actually had significant real world experience and knew what everyone else was likely thinking. "Uzumaki-san. I understand that the situation is rather peculiar for you, however from our perspective, having Shizuka bear your children holds significance in our village. Obtaining your genes, that of an Uzumaki's, a Kage's, and a Jinchuriki's, would be a crowning achievement for her that would elevate her status in our village. While she was the student of our deceased leader, it does not mean our government works in unity. We had made strides to lessen the severity of our ways and our treatment of men. However a more strict and traditionalist faction has been gaining power for the past few years and threatens to eliminate the progress we have made."

"How strict are we talking?"

"They frequently propose that any males born to our kunoichi are to be executed upon leaving the womb. And they are not against potentially kidnapping lesser ranked potential father candidates in order to bolster our forces, and executing them as well once their purpose is served if they can get away with it."

"How far back in the boonies do you people live? I know Hidden Villages are supposed to be secret and secure, but for fucks sake! The efforts needed to update, sustain, and maintain your village must be a logistical nightmare if you're that far separated from everyone else! And I thought that Kumo overdid the kidnapping and genetic harvesting thing!"

Tokiwa grimaced and looked away with a faint blush of embarrassment. "Increasing the frequency of contact with the outside world is another point of conflict among the upper echelons."

Naruto groaned and used his free hand to rub the bridge of his nose. "Please forgive me. I'm going to try to not sound like an insensitive dick asking this, but why exactly should I care about the internal politics and your position in it to the point of willingly being locked in your village for at least a year to have a daughter I will never see? I'm all for doing favors at my own expense and dignity most of the time, virtually anyone that knows me can attest to that, but what you guys are asking for crosses many lines. And just to remind you, I am in a position where I can help it… for once."

Shizuka almost brought up the fact that he was obligated to honor his Master's debts, but then she remembered that said Master was currently a pathetic crying mess. It wasn't much of an argument, Sanin or not.

"Outside of settling Jiraiya-sama's debt, it would prove to be a political boon for you." Thankfully for her, Tokiwa was more world savvy. "The event in Iwagakure will not benefit you politically as far as the nobles are concerned. The aid of another village can prove helpful."

Much to her surprise, Naruto waved her off. "Try harder. Given the nature of the issue and allies I have set up, I already have Suna, Iwa, Yuki, and Oni on my side regarding this matter. And that's not counting the major voices I have in Kumo, Kiri, and Taki. I didn't plan for this mess, but that doesn't mean I haven't made connections. Your offer is nice, but at this point it's a drop in the bucket."

His declaration that he had fingers in virtually every pie in the Elemental Nations was not one that she had expected. Unfortunately, that only made her even more adamant to get his aid. "A man of many cards indeed. You're surprisingly well connected Uzumaki-san. Unfortunately, that also may endear you to many of our kunoichi back home. You would not be the first Konoha Shinobi our women have set our sights on, but you would be without question an ideal target."

"Ma'am I recently wiped out a portion of mountains surrounding Iwa. As in, the whole mountain. From base to top. Not just a part of them. For the sake of your village, please think more carefully before you try to give me an ultimatum."

"I never insinuated that I expected them to succeed. Especially against someone like you." She shrugged helplessly. "Only that they'd try regardless."

"That's your problem. Look, can we just stop dancing around the issue and start working on an alternative arrangement? I have other things to do and limited time to waste," Naruto deadpanned, clearly getting annoyed with the back and forth.

"We can, but you'll still have to fight Shizuka-sama in some capacity," Tokiwa relented. "Our village already knows about the purpose of our departure, and the battle for her hand in marriage is sacred to us. Regardless of what we decide later on, this is non-negotiable."

"I can't just, you know, forfeit. Can I? Wouldn't that automatically negate the whole thing and save us all some time?"

"I'd be obligated to kill you if you did that according to tradition," Shizuka stated factually. It was hard to tell from her facial expression if she believed she could actually pull such a feat off in the first place.

"Of course you would." Naruto glared at both of them. "You do realize that if I help you, that's going to be one of the first rules you're gonna have to strike, right?"

"It's been debated, though less frequently," Tokiwa smirked. "Our girls don't like being cucked."

"Neither does my girlfriend." He didn't even try to pretend to ignore the waves of murderous intent radiating from Hinata. It went without saying, but he was far more terrified of her than he was of Nadeshiko Village.

"So does that mean you will fight?"

With a heavy sigh, Naruto rolled his eyes. It was easy to forget just how one track minded some people could be. Especially in under developed, overly traditional worlds like his.

Letting go of his crutch, he made three seals and grimaced as his chakra coils stressed themselves under the strain. With a single familiar pop, a clone of himself appeared next to him. "I won't. He will."

"A clone? You seriously expect me to allow my fate to be dictated by something as pedestrian as a clone?" Shizuka frowned.

"Oi, standing right here," said the pedestrian clone, leaning on his own crutch. Chakra construct or not, he was a copy of Naruto in his current physical state, so his handicap was there as well.

"It's a special clone," the original elaborated, wiggling his eyebrows like a child. "These things have more chakra packed into them than most Jonin. Even in my current state, he'll be more than a fight for someone on your level. And look at his adorable punchable face! Look how punchingly sexy he is! I could punch him for hours! I bet you do too!"

"Call now and buy one today," the clone deadpanned, clearly not trying to sell himself as much as his creator.

Both the original and clone ignored the sight of several of the Konoha shinobi almost making a bid here and now.

"On my level?" Now Shizuka was just angry. "You dare to presume that my strength is only on par with a clone's?!"

Naruto sighed, knowing it was better to show than tell at this point. A helpless shrug was his only signal.

As if a switch had been activated, the entire landscape suddenly began to shake and shudder under the weight of pure power. From the clone, and from the sky itself, the world seemed oppressed by raw power and intent.

Tokiwa paled and stumbled under the surprise pressure. Shizuka nearly fell down.

Everyone else in the vicinity merely shivered, already somewhat accustomed to this sort of environment.

Seconds later, the oppression was gone.

"Did I say more chakra than most Jonin? I meant a fuck ton more chakra than most Jonin. And access to all the chakra that I perpetually store in the air around me. So basically, you're fighting something with the reserves of a mini Biju." Naruto shrugged. "Of course, if you're still disappointed, I could get the fox out so you can take on a normal sized Biju…"

"No no! That's fine! She'll take the clone!" Tokiwa jumped in frantically.

"Tokiwa!" Shizuka looked at her betrayer.

"Shizuka-sama, don't even try to pretend you forgot what it felt like when that creature was teleported in the village right in front of us. Even breathing near such a beast was a trial in itself."

"I tried to do something about it, but you have no idea how hard it is to get him to take a bath," Naruto smirked, only for a crimson tail to manifest from his back and smack him upside his head. "Tch. I still have things to do right now. So, the clone will take you to a nearby separate training field. You two duke it out. Shake hands. Sign a form. Rate my performance. Whatever it is you need to do, and then come back so we can discuss how to make sure your home village doesn't screw itself over even more. Preferably in a way that doesn't screw ME over. That sound good? Are we in agreement? I'm not missing anything?"

"No, that sounds about right. Thank you for being so understanding and accommodating to our situation Uzumaki-san," Tokiwa bowed.

Tsunade walked next to Naruto as they watched his clone lead the two foreign kunoichi to the next training grounds. "You do realize that because their village specializes in seduction, Nadeshiko kunoichi are also known for infiltration, information gathering, poisons and-"

"Assassination. Yeah. Kinda the rule of law that any underground organization that specializes in the former does well in the rest. It's a bit hard to stay in business without that much diversification."

They had certainly proved their ability in the info gathering department by locating him in the first place. While everyone knew he was in Konoha, his personal schedule was kept under a strict need to know basis, and his rare appearances in public did little to betray where he'd be next. What he was doing now in particular was supposed to be high clearance only. The fact that they found him here of all times was nothing short of impressive.

Truth be told, he also suspected that they dabbled in a bit of genetic modification and performance enhancement drugs on the side. Half the genders mean half the shinobi population, yet they were still considered a legit village. Plus, their leader had been a woman that was capable of going toe to toe against Jiraiya. People that strong were not simple products of hard work and training.

And they rarely died in their own homes unless they were insanely sick or the victims of foul play; the former being highly unlikely in a village that specialized in poisons and selective breeding.

Was this new turn of events a result of Orochimaru being killed earlier? People that dabbled in hard core genetics tended to keep tabs and trade with one another. He'd have to look into it later, and by that he meant he'd have to find a way to get a hold of Kabuto, for better or for worse.

Bah. One thing at a time, Naruto. Prioritize.

"That Tokiwa lady played the amicable part well, but then again, I'm known for acting like an idiot too. Why did you think I slipped about my connections with the other villages?"

"Giving them something other than your dick to bite at. You're already trying to play the long game with an entire village. I don't know whether to be proud or terrified that you're actually this competent."

"Stick to being annoyed. The consistency is easier for your heart old hag."

"Brat."

"I love you too." Naruto looked at his friends and teachers waiting patiently, or in Hinata's case ominously, a short distance away. "Sorry for the hold up guys. Politics and all that bullshit. Speaking of open relationships, Kiba, you're still single, right?"

The Inuzuka gave him the dirtiest look imaginable. "Naruto. I can't believe I would ever say these words. But for the love of god, don't you even THINK of helping getting me laid. You'll fuck it up."

"… Shino?"

"I have been experimenting with Kikaichu that specialize in consuming biju chakra. Do not make me consider expediting the trial stages."

"Hinataaaaa. Your teammates aren't helping us. Aren't they supposed to be on our side whenever someone tries to cuck you?"

Hinata activated her Byakugan, her eyes now glowing. Whether it was to focus on her uncooperative teammates, or to prepare to attack Naruto for his accusations, was anyone's guess.

"Don't you dare sic her on us! We had an agreement, Uzumaki! No involving us in Hinata's kinks without written and documented consent from all involved parties prior!" Kiba yelled while simultaneously edging away from his female teammate even more just in case.

"Hinata, I feel that we need to host an intervention regarding your various cravings," Kurenai looked at her favorite student with concern.

"Naruto, I thought that you were short on time," Tsunade chided him. "Do you really have to stir up more nonsense now?"

"Hey, if I see an easy out I'm taking it." The accused shrugged shamelessly. "But I digress. You're right. Things to do. Messes to address. And such and such. Hinata. Heel."

"But-"

"Hinata, we will deal with the problem in time. Now for the love of everyone here, please put away your murder boner. You're scaring the children."

"Hilarious." Tenten deadpanned.

"Quiet children."

She did not like the request, but with some effort Hinata did manage to calm down enough that the air around her was no longer distorted.

Naruto smiled. "Good. Now then, next a bit of change in scenery to ensure privacy."

With a flick of his wrist, the crutch he was leaning on spun in his hand. To the standard observer it appeared to be nothing more than a petty trick, but to the experienced shinobi with enhanced chakra perception, he was rapidly accumulating and weaving power around the simple tool at an absurd pace.

And then he tapped the simple tool on the ground, and instantly engulfed the area in a cloud of white gas.

"The fuck?!" Kiba grimaced and braced himself for an impact that never came. Many of the others shouted something of similar lines as they were blasted by the gas.

Sasuke recovered first and looked around warily.

White.

It was like they were all stuck in a cloud, or in another world. Only they could all see one another perfectly, and the ground was somehow easy to point out despite the fact it was the same color as the sky.

"This is a genjutsu?" Hinata frowned as she activated her eyes. It took her only a few seconds of examination to come to a different conclusion. "A pocket dimension? Yinton? This is just like the inside of your hospital room when you were recovering."

"A mix of Fuuton and Yoton, actually. Just with a smidge of Ying chakra to stabilize the concept and rules of the place." Naruto smirked. "Not exactly homey, but it is spacious. Standard, walk endlessly in any direction and go nowhere dimension gimmick. Predictable, simple, yet classic."

Give him half a year to do his thing without interruptions, and he'll finally manage to figure out how to make a functional hammerspace. The roadblocks making those things was twofold: making them permanent, and the self-organizing function that made sure whatever was put it wasn't screwed up when you pulled it out later.

"Whoa, you can make pocket dimensions? The hell can't you do?" Choji looked around, clearly impressed. "Wait, why didn't you use this in Iwa?"

"It's not stable." Sasuke looked around with his eyes active. "Pain and Itachi could break this place within seconds. Hidan and Kaguya even faster. I'm pretty sure we wouldn't have that much trouble if we use our Presence right."

"Hmm. I'm going to have to agree with Sasuke. It does look a bit off now that I have a good look," Kakashi supported his student while inspecting the place with his own Sharingan.

"Yup," Naruto nodded. "I can make it stronger if I'm in sage mode or using the fox's chakra, but it would take me a while to set up any alternate dimension techniques worth something in the middle of a fight. And even then, Heaven's Fall is just better for most all out brawls. This trick is useful for impressing others though. Once convinced this poor idiot during my trip that I was a god with it as a joke."

Naruto looked up and laughed while shaking his head. "Hahahahaaaa. Ahhhh. I really should not have done that. That poor delivery boy."

Tsunade coughed loudly.

"Right. Plot." Naruto clapped his hands like a salesman. "Ok. We are in this place for two reasons. I set this up is because I'm going to be doing something really stupid and dangerous and need the extra privacy so nobody uninvolved will notice, sense, and or hear me screaming bloody murder."

The newcomers didn't like the sound of that. "And the reason you'll be screaming bloody murder this time is because?" Shikamaru frowned. It was never a good sign when the blond had a legitimate reason for doing that, as opposed to the usual stupid ones.

Naruto turned back to where Tenzo had been standing and waiting patiently. For some reason, the ground next to him still contained the wooden sealing array they had set up earlier; one that heavily resembled that of the eight trigrams formation, supplemented by several additional arrays that most of them couldn't even begin to recognize.

"You probably heard it already, but my chakra didn't settle properly, for lack of a better term. I have the juice of seven Biju running through my body erratically and it's driving me nuts. I can't mold chakra properly in my body for anything bigger than my clones. Most of what I can do now is restricted to what I can pull off with my Seventh Sense. Bottom line? I'm going to spend the next few hours essentially tearing apart and reconstructing my chakra system. It's going to be very long, very painful, and very noticeable."

"You're going to what?!" Hinata paled. "Naruto! That's insane! You're going to kill yourself!"

"If I was completely human I would, but after all the genetic twisting my seal's done to my body over the years, my experience with this sort of thing, and these seals here, my odds of death drop from 'absolute' to merely 'somewhat likely.'"

All things considered, his odds of pulling this off were better than those during the Iwa debacle. If only he could say the same about the near impossible levels of pain he was about to put himself through...

It would be nice to go through a clusterfuck and not have to deal with that nonsense for once.

"Which is why I'm here to supervise the idiot to make sure it just flat out doesn't happen." Tsunade gave him a dry glare. "Not that I'm exactly thrilled about it either."

"I know. I know. You've already told me." Naruto shook his head. "Anyways. Once I start, I can't stop until I'm dead or done. I'll be extracting all of my chakra and the Biju's chakra in the procedure, cycling it in and out through my perpetually altering chakra system, and then reabsorbing it all afterwards, so it's going to get real nasty around me. I don't recommend getting close once things start."

"What about Yondaime-sama and Kushina-san?" Hinata pointed out a huge problem. "They are still inside you, aren't they?"

"Don't worry. Mom's still going to be unconscious for a while, but Dad set up something to protect them during the procedure. He's going to be inside to make sure nothing happens to her."

Truth be told, he still wasn't confident that his dad was capable of holding off a maelstrom made of the chakra of Seven Biju. Minato argued that Kushina had taken in enough power that she was emitting a barrier unconsciously without help, and that he was just reinforcing it. In theory it should be more than enough to protect them for the duration of the procedure. Naruto gave his old man the benefit of the doubt, but he'd be lying if he said he didn't have reservations.

"Naruto, as fascinating as it all sounds, why aren't you asking Waltz for help on this?" Kakashi asked slowly, getting several nods of agreement.

"Think I didn't try that first?" The teen frowned. "Old fart said that I needed to do it myself to make sure that it goes right. I'm already trying to balance so many powers, that adding another source of chakra, even as a temporary supporting catalyst, would almost guarantee the process getting thrown out of whack and blowing up everything this side of the Land of Fire."

"And there's the obligatory 'potential cataclysmic explosion' that's always around whenever you do something." Tenten noted with resignation, getting nods of agreement from most of the others around her.

"Naruto, while I normally have confidence in your ability to pull off bullshit, are you sure you can actually do this?" Sasuke asked with genuine worry. "Fighting monsters and warping reality we've come to expect from you. Performing something akin to open heart surgery on yourself with the power of seven Biju is another thing entirely. I'm pretty sure Sakura would threaten to lobotomize you while simultaneously demanding to do the operation herself if she was with us."

"Too late," Tsunade sighed, having done that very same thing a couple of days ago.

"You make it sound like I'm eager to do this." Naruto wasn't hiding his distaste. "Crazy as it is, I do think I can pull this off. With Ero-Nii's seal gone, I can finally use Sage Mode again. Plus I've mastered over a dozen different meditation techniques that are practically designed to manipulate and condition one's chakra coils to some pretty crazy levels. They were practically required to learn in order to use my Level Two chakra without tearing myself apart from the inside out."

He still didn't like those worlds that those meditation techniques came from though. The individual guys Ghost introduced to him there were nice enough, but the worlds were just… annoying. Anyone could get strong there if they just doped up on the right hundred and a half drugs they had, and meditated a lot and had the right five to ten word long obnoxiously named macguffin weapon with some random backstory behind it. No actual physical, technical, or martial arts training. Just doping, treasure hunting, and meditation. All the fucking time. Heaven help you if you actually point it out to whoever's benefitting from it all. Idiots were either too stupid to actually understand your point, or got pissed off and think you're jealous of their perpetual shortcuts.

Then there was the fact that almost EVERYONE in those worlds had an obnoxious ego that made him want to instinctively punch them all in the face before he could say anything.

Even Orochimaru was more tolerable than those assholes. At least he was self-aware and had the decency to admit that he was a sketchy fuck if called out on it.

But yeah. The meditation techniques were top tier stuff.

"Give it up." Azuma breathed out a cloud of smoke. "He's not asking for permission on this. He's just giving us a warning not to interfere. One way or another he's doing it."

Shikamaru clicked his tongue in annoyance. "Troublesome. Naruto, you're a real pain in the ass, you know that? You're a bigger threat to your own health than the rest of the world combined."

"I've noticed." Naruto matched his tone perfectly.

"How long will it take?" Shino probed.

"It'll take as long as it needs to, but six hours is a good estimation. Give or take. How long I'll be blacked out afterwards is anyone's guess, but probably a day or two. And another couple of weeks to a month after that of being tender as fuck." He still wouldn't be fighting full throttle during that time, but at least his chakra would flow properly again.

"Is now a good idea to go through with it?" Kurenai frowned. "You have the summit in Iron soon. Showing weakness won't be a good look."

"Meh. If something gets nasty I can just throw Kurama at it. He's been working on his rabid woodland animal impression lately and he's very convincing."

"The sad thing is that I can totally see you doing that." Tenten dropped her head in depression. "It makes me ashamed that I'm actually worried for your health."

"Hold on. Didn't Sasuke say that this place isn't stable?" Kiba frowned and looked at the vast expanse of white around him. "Even if you're using that seal you set up, wouldn't you be throwing around enough chakra to break this place?"

"Correct. Which is why I'll be making a bunch of clones to reinforce it." With a wave of Naruto's hand, nine clones materialized and took their positions around the sealing array that Naruto was about to go into. Each and every one of them sat down wordlessly in a lotus position and began to meditate, almost instantly going into Sage Mode in the process.

Immediately, the group noticed a change in their surroundings and looked around warily. While physically nothing changed, conceptually it felt like an entirely different world.

"You guys feel that?" Kiba surprisingly spoke first. His animal instincts caused all his hairs to stand on end.

"He wasn't kidding." Sasuke's Sharingan spun quickly. "This dimension just got a hell of a lot harder to break out of. I take it Nature Chakra is particularly useful for making pocket dimensions, Naruto?"

"Nature and Reality are adjacent sides of the same gem that dictates the material world. Get good in one, you got a stronger foundation and support in the other. Kinda like using a wind technique to boost a fire one." Naruto grinned. "As it is right now, this place could handle Kurama going all out with five tails and still hold strong."

"No kidding." Tenten blinked, still examining her surroundings while running through what weapons she would need to have a shot of breaking out of there. At least until she felt an odd sense of foreboding travelling down her spine. The sort of ominous feeling she normally got right before Scabbard or one of the other Oogakari did something horrible to her for their own personal amusement.

She wasn't the only one that sensed something was wrong as they all, slowly and painfully, turned to look at a smiling Naruto. None said anything.

"…"

"…"

"…"

"We're going to have to fight-"

"Kurama with five tails in here while I'm torturing myself, yes," Naruto finished Shikamaru's sentence in a far too pleasant tone, finally getting to the real reason why he asked everyone here in the first place.

The Nara's eyebrow twitched. "Dare we ask why?"

"It's because we have not seen reason to trust you with what is to come." As if waiting for that very question, Kurama ejected himself from Naruto's body in a cloud of pure red chakra before solidifying in a body with five tails. In this state, he reached the size of a medium summon. "The Oogakari trained you to manage one another, and issues in this world. We are not confident that you puny humans fully understand what it means to encounter someone from the other side."

"Like Hidan." Kakashi frowned, quickly putting the pieces together.

Kurama's tails extended in separate directions lazily, as if trailing errant paths of wind. No one was tricked by that display for a second. "The Acolyte was an extreme case, but yes. Like him. Ideally, Kaguya would be the worst example that this world would have to manage for decades, if not centuries. However that luxury is no longer available. The fight in Iwa was significant enough to be noticed by other parties not of this world. If you desire to be useful and survive in the future, you will need to learn what it is like to face something greater than your fellow monkeys that hide in the dark. Greater than those cowardly tribes that allow themselves to be summoned and used like pets."

The air began to grow heavy as Kurama's power slowly began to escalate. Malice and primal wrath slowly accumulated, like a volcano about to erupt.

The Arbiter was making itself known. A Judge with penultimate authority. One that determined not the guilty and the innocent, but Truth from Fallacy. What was and what was not.

"You fools claim constantly you wish to stand by the idiot's side. This is our test to prove if you have the potential to actually do so. If you can't handle my wrath in this pathetic state for a few hours, then there is no point in wasting our time holding your hands."

A robe of power. A crown of tails. The unrepentant eyes of the apex. There would be no mercy. Only judgement.

There was no time for negotiation or halfhearted questions. The Kyubi was just a short period away from attacking them full force.

"Welp. Kurama's clearly itching to go. I guess I'll just go do my thing now. Have fun guys! Try not to die!" Naruto waved cheerfully before turning around to where Yamato was having trouble focusing on his duties… instead of the demon fox growing even more terrifying with every passing second.

"Naruto you asshole!" Kiba shouted, but didn't dare take his eyes off the Kyubi. To his side, Akamaru barked maliciously while bracing for impact. "If I live through this, I'm going to set you up with some crazy bitch just to make you suffer!"

"Kiba," Hinata clearly took offence to that threat.

"I'm not talking about you!"

"I can't tell if that makes what you said better or worse!" Tenten's panicked state forced her to tsukkomi on reflex as she materialized a copy of Samehada. The downgraded weapon was merely semi-sentient and couldn't absorb as much chakra as the original, but fuck it. If Naruto hated dealing with the weapon in general, then the Fox shouldn't like it either.

"Isn't this escalating too fast?!" Kurenai shouted, a kunai already in hand and her body ready to move at a moment's notice. "Even for Naruto this is ridiculous! Tsunade-sama!"

The Hokage looked at them with a surprisingly cold mask of indifference from behind the Fox. "If you're all as strong as you believe you are, you should be able to at least survive until Naruto's done. If not, I'll make sure to at least keep your body in a condition where the Oogakari might be able to bring you back later."

Kakashi frowned. Something was clearly up if Tsunade was willing to go with this madness. This wasn't spontaneous. It was planned.

It was only because he had already lifted his headband that he spotted the woman's hands clenching the fabric of her coat.

At that moment, he realized that once again, Naruto had undersold just how bad his condition was, and just how nasty this procedure was going to be.

Kakashi may not have taught Naruto as much as he should have when the boy was his student, but the kid unfortunately did pick up one of his worst habits: His tendency to joke, laugh off, and vastly underscore his own personal problems.

His attention turned to where his student was already in the middle of the sealing array, sitting in a lotus position much like his clones with a bitter smile that just screamed to the world just how little he wanted to do this.

The teen looked up, noticed Kakashi glaring at him, and winked.

"Naruto, you-"

That was as much Kakashi could get out before inside of the barrier exploded with more power than he though existed. More than enough to cause the artificial reality they were in to visibly quake and ripple under the sudden pressure. The only reason why he and everyone else were still alive, let alone not bowled over was because said barrier, somehow, kept the brunt of the cataclysm contained.

Even though he had not encountered the majority of the other Biju in person, he could still feel each of their powers individually contributing to the pillar that in his rightful opinion felt like something that could strike down a genuine God.

"W-Whoa." Choji gulped as he braced his body and held his ground. Fuck Moryo in a Volcano. That multiheaded garden snake was nothing compared to the apocalyptic force he was staring down now. Even trying to breathe the chakra supersaturated air around them was a labor that took physical effort to pull off.

"Naruto you troublesome ass." Shikamaru shivered. The Oogakari had put them through the ropes before, but deep down they had always assumed that those nuts were the exception to the universal constant that was common rationality. The fact that Naruto was capable of reaching such absurd heights… it gave someone like him far too much to think about.

"This feels like we're facing down the final boss of one of those video games the Oogakari have." Tenten was in a daze as she tried to estimate the amount of power she was witnessing first hand, her head craning back more and more in an attempt to see where the light show tapered out. She couldn't.

"Oi, Kurenai, I didn't just develop a Dojutsu, did I?" Asuma grimaced, his chakra trench knives already in hand.

"What? No. Why would you even ask such a ridiculous thing?"

"Because I can actually see Naruto's chakra system."

"You what?" The Genjutsu Mistress balked at her boyfriend's statement before focusing once more on the blonde again, generating so much energy that he looked more like some gas burner outlet where the transparent fuel traveled a certain distance, before finally igniting spectacularly.

Asuma wasn't lying. Naruto's chakra system glowed through his skin, even through his clothes. It output so much energy that she could see where it flowed and exited his body. Or was that steam coming from his burning flesh?

Regardless, the sight was so distinct from where they stood that it was not hard to see the blood flying out and evaporating from his tenketsu in the process.

"This isn't right." Shino hissed. "This resembles a stage two jinchuriki transformation more than a twisted medical procedure. We need to stop him. There is no possible way he can last an hour doing this, let alone six. He is going to kill himself."

Several of them took one step forward before they were reminded of one very glaring issue with that plan.

WHAM!

The white ground below them trembled as one of Kurama's tails cratered the space between them with little effort. "You meat sacks have some nerve, ignoring me."

The fox stepped forward, and the world quaked.

"Is now really the time for this?! Naruto's going to kill himself for real this time!" Sasuke snarled, his Mangekyo Sharingan spinning into existence.

"We have long since come to a mutual understanding, Uchiha. I will not interfere in any foolish trials he undertakes of his own making. Should he pass on from his mistakes and risks, it is his and only his concern. However, that does not mean that I will play no role when assigned one." Another step was taken, accompanied by a wave of pure killing intent. "Should you desire to participate in his latest display of stupidity, there will be one and only one path available to you."

The ultimatum was blatantly obvious to all of them. If they wanted to get to Naruto, they needed to beat the fox. Not last six hours, but surpass him.

"Is that so?" Kakashi replied as his Mangekyo spiraled into existence. "Well then, let's see if we can show you another…"

The Scarecrow's borrowed eye spun. A wormhole in space formed, not on the fox, but right in front of the caster. Kakashi leapt forward, vanished within the twisted spiral of reality and-

CRACK!

The man was flung back with the snapping of one of the Fox's tails, crashing into Asuma and Kurenai in the process.

"An interesting trick. Pity you showed your hand on that island."

"The hell just happened?" Choji blinked. "Did Sensei just jump into one of his wormholes?! Why was he hit?!"

Sasuke clicked his tongue in annoyance. He had hoped that the fox would be caught off guard by the technique. "It's a variant of Kamui that costs less chakra to use. Instead of an alternate dimension, Kakashi links the exit at another point in his line of sight, connecting the space between them." It wasn't Hiraishin, but it was useful for crossing long distances in a hurry, plus in an extreme emergency he could keep it open for fairly large groups of people and resources to pass through. The distance traveled between points didn't matter so long as he could see the exit, so it could really cut down on travel time in some circumstances.

Damn it Kakashi. If only you had held off on using that damn move to get to Naruto ahead of everyone else back in Moon Country…

"If he's supposed to warp through space, how the heck did the fox stop him?" Kiba asked the million dollar question on everyone's minds.

"Wait… it's because we're here." Hinata's activated eyes did nothing to hide her shock, awe, and thinly veiled horror at the situation. "This is Naruto's dimension. There's no reason why he wouldn't be able to influence the space here to make it harder for other people to play with it. And if Naruto can control it…"

"Once more you prove yourself to be above the trash, Hyuga. I'm almost impressed." Kurama half laughed, half snarled. Truth be told, they didn't need to be in one of Naruto's artificial dimensions for either of them to interfere with another's time-space techniques. Naruto had interrupted Kaguya's attempt to teleport them all into a volcano in their fight after all, a feat that Kurama admittedly would not have been able to pull off on his own. The dimension just made things easier for them to get a grasp of things.

When it came to battles involving time-space users, there were two things that took precedent above all else. Knowing the rules behind how time space truly worked in the first place, and knowing how to fuck with those rules into the ground like a cheap whore.

Funny thing about manipulating time-space was that it tended to be an extensively intimate craft. As in, the user usually had an arm or their soul or their own time-space somehow linked to the distortion they were invoking.

By process of elimination, if the technique went awry, so did anything and everything else tied to it. If not also the local neighborhood. Or country. Or planet.

Fun fact. The greatest cause of death among reality-jumping/spacetime users in their first century of travels, was their techniques murdering them after they got cocky and pissed off a veteran jumper.

Scab once accidentally caused a chain reaction that resulted in a galaxy sized Black Hole by tossing a pebble down the throat of some idiot as he recited some obnoxiously long winded super spell. Took him almost a year to fix the damages of that mess, not that he regretted it. The guy was an ass.

Bottom line, no one ever wanted their time-space technique to go wrong in the middle of a fight.

EVER.

It was because of that reason that most veteran time space users actually avoided showing their abilities whenever possible. If their tricks were even seen once by an experienced opponent, then that asshole would likely be able to figure out how their powers worked and how to counter them in the worst way possible.

When it came to long lived reality jumpers, you normally fell into one of two categories regarding this subject. Either you were disgustingly good at using timespace techniques, or you were even better at screwing them over.

And that barely even brushed on the topic of how most veteran Presence users naturally excelled in the latter category.

"The one time I wouldn't have complained about a time-space technique being a cheap copout, and they pull that shit on us." Tenten grimaced, readying her sword. "Naruto. Am I right guys? Looks like we're going to have to do this the hard OH SHIT!"

Before anyone could say or react, one of Kurama's tails struck forward like a viper and tried to impale her. The girl barely managed to stay on her feet as she skidded back a dozen meters while using her sword as a shield. It was only due to its absorbing properties that she managed to hold on for as long as she did-

Crack.

But her sword was not Samehada. And Kurama was not one to let his powers be taken lightly. With a final twitch, her sword shattered in her hands and she was sent flying with a pained yell.

"I believe…" Kurama growled as he lunged at the group, his tails flowing like they all possessed their own minds and targets in mind. "… That I have allowed you to speak long enough."

o. o. o.

"They're holding up pretty well." Jiraiya grunted as he sat down next to Tsunade roughly an hour after the fighting had begun, taking care not to stress his still throbbing nutsack as he moved. He spotted Hinata, Kakashi, Asuma, Kiba, and Tenten momentarily paralyzing a tail each while the rest tried to nail the fox with a strong technique of their own, only for all of them to be blasted back by a chakra infused roar. "Almost better than us when we were forced to go up against the furball."

"They have numbers on their side, Jiraiya. We're still stronger, but we still had to bother with handling the tails along with the monster." Tsunade didn't so much as flinch as he joined her.

Truthfully, they all deserved more credit than that. Originally, only half of the fox was sealed in Naruto. Then after training with the Oogakari, the monster had regained its lost power from Naruto, and learned Presence on top of the other tricks it learned. Then during the fiasco in Iwa, the Fox stole back the other half of its original power from Tobi.

So bottom line, even in its five tailed state, the current Nine Tailed Fox was probably as cataclysmic, if not more so than he was after getting ripped from Kushina's seal.

"Can't argue that." He hummed as Tenten manifested an otherworldly shield to block a mini bijudama generated from the tip of one of Kurama's tails. "Doubt Naruto and I will be able to summon Ma and Pa for anything for a while after what we put them through. They're gonna hold it over our heads until we croak… get it?"

"Hilarious."

"…" Jiraiya looked at Tsunade skeptically before letting out a tired sigh. A genuine Bijudama was being formed, but vanished a moment later. No doubt Kakashi's work.

A massive crack was heard as Choji crashed his Jutsu and Presence enhanced fist into Kurama's head from the side, sending the monster flying. The rest of the shinobi tried to use that opening to get to Naruto, but they barely got started before five tails slammed down on the ground in front of them, generating an explosive wall of vicious air, chakra and debris that they had no hope of getting through. Seconds later, they were forced to retreat as the fox pelted them with smaller rapid fire blasts of chakra.

He really was glad he didn't have to fight the fox again. Going up against that beast with an army was an ordeal at the best of times, and those guys were only a little over two teams worth of fighters. They were strong, without question, but this wasn't a battle where one could think of saving their strength and survive in the process.

Most people would have assumed that at least a few of the group would have been downed by this point, butchered, dismembered, eaten, or otherwise, with only Hinata as a qualified healer among them. However Jiraiya had been pleasantly surprised to see Shino of all people supporting her in the ordeal. Apparently the Aburame had discovered a breed of insects that produced a potent rejuvenation solution in their bodies. His performance wasn't on par with a dedicated medic-nin, but he could multitask and support far more teammates at once with his insects.

Pity the Aburame had to dedicate the bulk of his time on producing more of the support bugs for this fight than anything else. Jiraiya had heard about his massive elemental insects earlier and was curious how much heat they really packed.

He also wondered how long it would take them to figure out that Naruto had saturated the air in this dimension with his chakra, essentially allowing them to have greatly enhanced chakra and physical recovery. As strong as these kids were now, he doubted that they'd be able to hold up against the fox for six hours without the boost.

" … Come on Tsunade. Don't make me jump through hoops every time something's bugging you. I know you're not one to actually talk about your concerns, but I am still here. I'm not going to buy you a bottle of the good stuff to drown you in every time something happens."

"Jiraiya, do I need to remind you why shinobi medics statistically have a higher suicide rate compared to their peers?"

He flinched. No. No he did not. After all, said reason was the exact cause behind her decades long sabbatical away from Konoha in the first place.

Shinobi dealt with death all the time. Murder. Assassinations. Fighting. It was part of their livelihood. Medics were tasked with keeping everyone alive, but alas such a thing could never happen. It hit even harder when the patient was someone close.

Tsunade, bless her heart, took that harder than most. Dan. Nawaki. She had been there when her loved ones had died. Hell, she had been literally wrist deep inside them if what he heard was right.

To be so strong. So powerful. So revered by the rest of the world, and yet be reminded time and time again that it simply wasn't enough when it mattered the most… it was enough to break anyone.

And here she was. Standing just a dozen meters away from Naruto as he was conducting a procedure that even she would balk at. And she couldn't do anything about it other than simply stand by for some meager moral support.

No wonder she had not turned around once since the kid had started his latest bout of self-mutilation. He doubted anyone knew what Tsunade would do if she had a look, herself included.

Hokage or not, Tsunade did not like feeling weak and useless, and it genuinely hurt her when someone she cared about was the reason for it.

Jiraiya grimaced. He would need to smack the kid upside the head something fierce after this. It was just too cruel.

With a heavy sigh he changed the topic. "No, but I have a feeling the kid's more likely to off himself because of his escalating lady problems."

"And whose fault is that?"

"Mine, but it is a problem that needs to be dealt with. Nadeshiko village, well my history with them is more than one of peeping and bailing out of getting married."

That caught her attention. It only took her a moment to figure out what he was getting at. "Your spy network?"

The landscape shook as Asuma and Sasuke tried to use a wind fire collaboration technique to incinerate the fox, but soon had to abandon the endeavor as the target literally smacked aside a firestorm ten times its size with one of its tails.

"I haven't been out there in some time, but I did keep in touch with Ichika, the former leader, through mutual contacts. Tokiwa was one of them. We had a good thing set up. Even had a couple of pleasant reunions over the years on the road, though I didn't know of her passing until recently. I haven't talked to her since before this time travel mess started actually. The whole thing is curious though. That woman was known to be quite the pharmacist in her older years after her body started to lose strength."

He winced in pain as he watched a disaster unfold right in front of him. Kurenai had tried to weave an illusion on the monster to buy enough time for the others to surround the beast and hit it hard. Unfortunately, they all missed the fact that they actually targeted a shadow clone and that the original had leapt up high to pelt them with mini bijuudamas. If Hinata had not warned them at the last moment, then the bulk of the team would have been wiped out right then and there.

That reminded him. He still needed to give Naruto a reaming for actually teaching the monster jutsu in the first place. Biju by themselves were bad enough. Biju using replacements, shunshin, and shadow clones made him want to scream that the end times were upon them.

"You're worried about the radical branch exposing your resources and secrets." She frowned. It was blatantly clear that Jiraiya didn't believe that the former leader's passing was natural.

"Their setup is better than you think Hime. Their services surprised even me. They're easily on par with what the major five in that area, even if they don't advertise it." The Toad Sage frowned. "If, no, when the radicals find out about what these two are doing here, it won't take long for them to find out about my various contacts within their ranks as well. If this joke of an engagement doesn't go through, they might assume the worst and take it personally."

"Wonderful." Tsunade didn't bother hiding her frustration. "So did you learn anything useful and relevant about them that we can use while you were screwing their leader?"

"Well, you can never underestimate the potential of gossip and pillow talk. I'm pretty sure you had some experience with that back in our hayday." He smiled wryly, only for it to ebb away at the annoyed glare Tsunade was giving him. Right, she wasn't in the mood right now. "Erk. Right, well. The traditionalists are as expected. They're led by a small generation's worth of their version of Koharu and Homura. Old man hating crones the lot of them, ones that like to think that they're pristine as the Sage of Six paths, but still force their students to stay behind for 'extra lessons' in their private chambers every other night. Few in the younger generations actually like them, but the problem is that those old fogeys have been slowly building a monopoly to everything that matters in the village. Poisons. Drugs. Jutsu. Finances. Food. They're gradually forcing everyone else to bend to their will. I can only imagine how bad it's gotten since."

"Why didn't your almost ex do anything about them?"

"It's a small village. She needed the political support and stability to keep things running or else the place might as well collapse on itself, and she never got the edge needed to tilt things enough in her favor to rid herself of them without everything collapsing around her in the process. Trust me Hime, you aren't the first leader of a village to break a bone of mine while venting frustrations."

Thankfully, it had never been his pelvis or spine.

It was surprisingly pretty easy to claim that he busted his jaw in a 'fierce bout against a foreign kunoichi' with a straight face.

"Should I start asking around the elemental nations to see if I should start a club? Or to offer pity venereal disease checks?"

"Oi, come on. You know I keep myself clean. I do have some standards, Hime."

She rolled her eyes. Jiraiya was shameless when it came to his philandering habits, but he drew the line at poor personal hygiene. "What do you suggest?"

"If we cut them off just before Naruto stirs the pot, they'll get pissed that we're cucking them out of a goldmine and make things annoying in the long run. Give them what they want, and they'll use his kid as a hostage or collateral once everyone finally sees just how overkill Naruto really is, which will probably end up with him giving them a personal demonstration up close and screw things up for everyone diplomatically. We have to be creative with this one or else the other villages will think that we're trying to take over."

"This is why I left the information gathering to you. Dealing with info brokers is worse than debt collectors. At least the latter leaves you be once you pay them. The villages that 'pride' themselves on their information gathering have worse egos than the Five Major Villages."

Jiraiya couldn't argue with that. "They're located in a tough spot to effectively flex our muscles too. We'd have to take a painfully roundabout path to get anything larger than a team near them if we wanted to not piss off Kiri."

"Would the Mizukage be willing to help with us on the issue?"

"Nadeshiko played a critical role for the rebels during the Civil war. Terumi's not going to push them unless absolutely necessary, and may support them in the matter."

"Of course they did." That scratched economic and financial warfare off the list. "Can we disappear Naruto for a while?"

"You think he's capable of not drawing attention to himself in the current environment?"

"Right." Tsunade rubbed her temple in frustration. "Can't force them militarily or economically without pissing off Kiri. Can't work with them with their current political situation. Sending a team to try and support Shizuka's faction might work as a bandage measure, but that would draw some ire from Kiri as well…"

"We could ask Kiri to do that last one themselves if we spin it right. Zabuza and Haku would get a good laugh out of Naruto's situation and hold the fact that they 'saved his chastity' over his head until he died. It could also put us in their debt, which would ease tensions from their side."

Hell, knowing Hinata, she'd probably pay them the commission for the job herself.

They pretended to ignore the small gust of wind that pushed them harshly from behind. Clearly Naruto had managed to catch at least that bit and wasn't too pleased by it.

"Heh." Finally, a small display of amusement reached Tsunade's stressed façade. "That's definitely something to consider, but still a bit heavy handed given the circumstances. We don't even know if the Mizukage would even accept a request like that. Messing with an ally's government is usually one of the first things that happens right before a major war… see if you can find anything that could convince her to go along with such a ridiculous request. We're trying to advocate for peace and stability, not revolution. We'll go that route if we can't think of something else."

"Well, we can always go with the tried and true method of getting rid of a stalker."

"Calling the police after knocking them unconscious, stripping them naked, and leaving them abandoned in public?"

Jiraiya slowly looked at her with a cold expression. "You're pretty, Hime, but as much as I enjoy boosting your ego, you were never good enough for me to ever stalk you."

"Says the man that followed me for decades."

A full sized Bijudama exploded in the distance. Sasuke's Susanoo, complete with burning black and lightning-charged sword, barreled down on the roaring fox. It had been the third time this had happened since the fighting started.

Both Kage braced themselves for the inevitable impact and aftershock, but otherwise remained more focused on their conversation.

"Not this again. Damn it woman, we were on the same team, I was the vanguard and you were our medic! Of course I'd be hounding you frequently! I'd be dead if I wasn't!"

"And the peeping all those years?"

"Please, you sound like you were in even a third of the places I passed the time in." He waved her off.

Said hand moments later had to shield his eyes as a clash between two titans generated enough light to momentarily blind them. They normally would have to worry about being able to hear one another after such a cataclysm, but since Naruto was nearby that concern was moot.

"That's not something to be proud of." Tsunade lifted an arm to protect herself as well, but otherwise continued the conversation as if nothing was amiss.

"How many debt collectors have you borrowed money from again?"

"So what's this tried and true anti-stalker technique that you're so proud of? I hope it's not too stupid…"

Jiraiya smirked. On the contrary. It was the kind of savant level of stupid that even the Oogakari would be proud of.

And as a plus, it kept Tsunade distracted from Naruto literally tearing himself apart behind her.

"G̸̰͓͎͈̞̜͔͓̟̦͊̓͘͘R̸̢̢̢̜͉͇̙̜͉̻̪̺͈͜͝Ą̵̮͎͍̩̠̪͓̼͕͙̩̮͍̹̾͌̀͆̑͑̊̅͜ͅA̸̡̡̼̯͓̭̰̤̰̰̯̹̐͆͝A̴̢̢̡͇̪̝͕̺̼̖̤̜͍̲̗͒̓̔̔̈́̉͘͜͜Ä̴̠̱̤̤̠̖͓́̊͒͗͒̿̓͂̓͒̾̈́͋̎͘͜A̸͇̻̎̄̂́̄̇̃͒̌̌͊̒͠Ą̶̺̟͔̝̰̇̌̆̓̐͋͒͑̚͝ͅĄ̶̧̦̻͔͖̞̠̖͚̮͋̈͊͆̋̚͝A̷̧̫̞͈͖̳͚̤̞̟̘͖͕̪̲͉̼͊A̶̢̩̟̠͔̤̜̒͆Ḩ̷̢̢̯̠̩̖̌̽!̴̡̨̗̘͇̣͙͕͉͚̠̌̒́̍̐͑͒̅̔͌̾̑̀̚͘̚͜͜!̵̤̩̖̜͉̙͖̍̊̐̀̋̔͋̾͑̑́̋̈́̂́̋͠!̷̨̙̜͇̹̹͎̻̫̟̞͓̳̱̀̚͝!̶̛̹̞͋̽̑̇̑̓"

Well, that is if the rampaging Biju using presence wasn't enough of one already.

Behind the two Sanin, Yamato kept quiet and focused on the seal. He had learned very early on that it was best to keep everyone's attention off of him in situations like this. No need to literally risk his life and get eaten by the fox any more than he was now. Once he was done here, he'd just fade away into the faceless masses where it was safe, like a good shinobi should.

o. o. o.

Tsume and Kuromaru entered the restaurant and looked around. It didn't take them long to find Shikaku, Inoichi, Choza, Shibi, and Hiashi all sitting around a private booth near the back with drinks in hand.

At face value, the place she entered was your run of the mill, slightly upper class joint. The kind of place that teens would occasionally pay an extra on for a date in the hopes of getting laid later that night.

What made it special though, other than being secretly one of Scab's many investments in Konoha, was the fact that the private booths had subtle extra security in the form of a few dozen easily triggered privacy seals. Unless those sitting were hailing a waiter, nothing got in or out of the general vicinity, making the place a popular location for secure conversations, conducting deals, and eating without being disturbed.

Well, that or letting large groups of semi-influential people get shit faced in the place without disturbing the other customers and running a high tab.

"Almost all the parents of the heavy hitters in the village in one place. I'm going to regret this, aren't I?" She sighed as she took a seat next to Shibi. Kuromaru settled under the table and quickly melded into the shadows as if it was only natural.

"With the way things have been going, you'd probably regret not being here more," Shikaku muttered into his drink. Tsume wasn't much for gossiping, but she loathed being out of the loop.

"Considering the fact that the message that told me to come here came in the form of a note tied to a rock that crashed through my window with a picture of Shadow making kissing faces at me, I thought it best not to risk myself any more than I should."

"Lucky you. Mine was speared on the antler of the deer that crashed through my house." Shikaku grumbled, not adding the part about how said deer fell on top of him while he was trying to take a nap. In true shinobi fashion, it took him more time to realize what the hell just happened than it did to hold the frightened animal down with his shadow.

"Mine was in the sandwich my wife made me for lunch." Chouza muttered ominously. He may not have suffered property damage, but those bastards screwed with a perfectly good sandwich.

He would have his revenge in time. He was a patient man.

Hiashi didn't even bother to try and think about how the Oogakari pulled this latest bout of madness off while still maintaining their house arrest. Nor was he inclined to let everyone know of how his message came in the form of invisible ink scrawled all over his office as if an insane asylum patient wrote it, and only showed up with his bloodline limit activated.

He had a suspicion that Shadow was responsible for this particular missive. If it had been Crypt, there would have been more comments about ice cream in the scribbled madness.

He was about to say something when something caught his attention. Wordlessly he activated his dojutsu momentarily before relaxing once more. "Regardless of what means were used to bring us here, I believe the reason for it will join us…"

The door to the restaurant opened to reveal the bulk of their children and teachers.

"Now."

"That trick got old before we left the academy, Hiashi." Tsume gave him a dry glare as she turned to see her son and company. It didn't take her longer than a second to notice something was up. "Well shit. Someone looks like they just went through the third war all over again."

The words best used to describe the newcomers were 'exhausted;' 'tattered,' and 'spooked.' Not a single one of the newcomers wasn't injured or disheveled to an extreme degree, and had they been suspiciously devoid of actual blood and critical injuries most would have prompted the newcomers to the hospital right then and there. They would probably have changed clothes if they weren't too exhausted to care or notice. Even Kakashi showed signs of being exposed to something he shouldn't have, despite having three fourths - closer to half with how much of his mask and hayate had been obliterated - of his face covered up.

That said, what was most distinguished about the group was the haunted gaze they all had.

"Not sure about you guys but I'm not volunteering to cover the tab tonight." Shikaku grimaced. He didn't need to be a genius to tell that there would be a fair bit of heavy drinking soon. Shikamaru did not rattle easily, especially after being trained by Shadow, and yet his son was stumbling to a nearby seat in their private booth without bothering to say a word of greetings.

"Choji. Son." Chouza tried to break the ice first. "Can you tell us why you guys look like you just fought the Kyubi?"

The group of newcomers flinched.

"You didn't," Inoichi slowly paled.

"Seven hours." Tenten hissed as she sat down, her body aching from the ordeal. "Five tails. Seven hours. All hell. At the risk of tempting fate, even Scab-sensei's training when he was in a mood wasn't as bad as this."

o. o. o.

On the other side of Konoha, Scabbard's eyes opened.

"Challenge accepted."

o. o. o.

"It was an ordeal," Kurenai put it the most lightly out of all of them, stumbling into her own seat and letting her body sag as if all wires were cut. "Naruto taught the Fox jutsu."

"You ever wonder what it's like to see a Biju use the Shadow Clone technique up close? Or Shunshin? Don't. Just don't." Asuma laughed unstably as he desperately tried to light his cigarette, failing due to the fact that he couldn't stop his hands from shaking nor feel his fingers.

"You ok there Asuma?" Shikaku didn't miss how unsettled his son's teacher was.

"Sensei thought it was a good idea to use his ash techniques to blind the Fox," Shino spoke emotionlessly. Rather, his body was so stiff that it was hard to tell if he was conscious had he not spoken. "Fortunately, it worked. Unfortunately, it worked."

"Choji, Sasuke, Akamaru and I had to take turns tanking that monster every ten minutes with everyone else providing support," Kiba hissed, his upper body completely lying flat on the table. It hurt too much to exist to even bother caring about proper etiquette right now. "It was the only way we managed to live through that bullshit. Any longer and that monster would overwhelm or outlast us. And I thought trying to get into an endurance match with Naruto was a dumb idea. Fuck me."

Akamaru whimpered at his feet in agreement, otherwise completely lifeless.

"You couldn't overwhelm the Fox or push him back a bit if you worked together?" Tsume frowned before realizing what she had just said. "Ah. In hindsight, that was a stupid thing to ask, wasn't it?"

"The Oogakari compound is locked down. How did you fight that monster for so long without anyone noticing?" Inoichi began running through his memories of the day to try and recall any moment where he might have sensed such an intense battle taking place nearby.

"Naruto set up some sort of pocket dimension for us to fight in. An empty blank white world from here to Iwa as far as we could tell. Some kind of Wind-Space technique he made up at some point. Long story short, there was nowhere to push the monster back to. Or anything to snare it on so that it wouldn't just jump on us five seconds later. The longest our attacks managed to hold it down lasted, what, five minutes?" Kakashi leaned back and looked up at the ceiling. "… Oh yeah. Naruto can apparently make pocket dimensions now. In case you didn't know yet."

"Eleven," Sasuke corrected with his eyes closed. Eternal Mangekyo Sharingan or not, he was going to be relying on physical sight as little as possible for the next week or so to get rid of the titanic headache he was currently nursing. "It was when you were knocked out. Hinata and I tried an impulsive and stupid move worthy of Naruto that I can barely remember after getting frustrated from dealing with too many Bijudamas, and actually cut one leg and two tails off. I think Choji broke its jaw for good measure right after that."

Eleven minutes was more than enough time for at least a few of them to skirt around the monster.

It was not, however, enough time to deal with the two clones it had made.

"Felt like I broke my fist with that one." The Akimichi nursed his hand. Truth be told, he had been trying to crush the monster's skull with that move, and he doubted anyone would have had qualms if he had managed to pull it off. "Had to do it so it would finally stop firing those stupid bijudamas at us."

And everyone was eternally thankful for that small blessing. They only had a handful of hard counters that could handle a direct hit from those things. Susanoo. Kamui. A Presence enhanced Kaiten from Hinata. Tenten's strongest shield. Anything less than that required that they knock the charge off course enough so that they weren't screwed by the ensuing blast.

"Which was well and good to buy us time to wail on the thing, until it went eldritch abomination on us and actually ate the severed parts and regenerated them." Shikamaru grimaced at the sobering memory. He had thought that the combo that Sasuke and Hinata pulled had finally done some lasting damage until that had happened. He should have expected that Naruto wouldn't be the only one to jump a few leagues in bullshit during the break.

Seriously, how the fuck did Naruto manage to beat that monster single handedly when it had all nine of its tails?

"He did that during the fight against Hidan," Kurenai admitted.

"I was hoping our attacking his face relentlessly would make him forget." Shikamaru stood his ground. "That usually tends to work on the meatheads."

"Hmm." Hiashi frowned as he peered at his daughter, who had unceremoniously fallen asleep on the table, completely exhausted. "And where was Uzumaki during all of this? Regardless of Hinata's current state, it is unlike her to simply leave him to his own devices once your ordeal was completed."

"…"

What followed was the kind of silence that absolutely no one liked to hear. It was the sort of quiet that led to the revelation of overwhelmingly horror, or life changing information.

"Please don't tell me the Oogakari pulled another fast one on us," Tsume grimaced.

"Surprisingly no. This time it was all Naruto." Kakashi relented with a heavy sigh. "Not sure if that makes it better or worse."

"What happened? Where is he?" Shikaku got to the point.

"Troublesome." Shikamaru shook his head. "Long story short, Naruto had to butcher and rewire his body the entire time we were fighting the fox because all that extra chakra he got during the fighting from the other Biju didn't set in right after it reformed. As in, he would be crippled if he didn't do it soon regardless. Apparently he couldn't take a shortcut and have Waltz or Tsunade-sama fix it for him either. Every glimpse I saw of him while he was pumping out and controlling more power than the rest of the village in its entirety, was accompanied by the sight of his muscles tearing themselves apart and literally seeing his chakra system radiating so much that it was burning the skin above. I think all of his clothes had burned off around the two hour mark. If I wasn't so exhausted and numb to being surprised right now I'd go on about how impressed I was that Hinata didn't go insane with worry during the entire mess. It wasn't pretty."

"Fuck pretty. He looked like he was dying at some parts with how much blood he lost." Tenten frowned, her sharp eyes popping out over her crossed arms. "He actually started sweating black liquid at around four hours."

"I told you. That wasn't blood." Asuma grunted, finally getting the end of his cancer stick alight. "It's an old meditation trick I heard about from Chiriku. Gai… well, he knew it too. Never saw it myself until today though. You train your mind, body, and chakra right with some strict exercises on the side, and at a certain point you actually sweat the impurities from your body. Gets everything running in peak condition."

"I still have trouble picturing that jackass taking to something like meditation. No matter how many times you bring it up." Tsume laughed, though it was more to lighten the mood for everyone else than anything.

"I take it since you are here that he was successful in his endeavors." Hiashi noted, about to take another sip from the Sake he ordered.

He stopped just before tasting the alcohol though as he read their expressions.

Chouza's face grew grave and he leaned forward. "Something went wrong?"

"No. No, the procedure was a success all right. You could say it almost worked too well." Kakashi didn't bother to look at anything but the ceiling. "Naruto butchered his body, but it wasn't beyond repair. Tsunade-sama was overseeing the whole fiasco so no one would die. His chakra though…"

"Mom. Do you remember going up against the fox when it went nuts?" Kiba surprisingly spoke up. "When you went up against that much power, it was crazy, but you thought that with the village's help, you could eventually win, right?"

Tsume frowned as she recalled the event the year her son was born. "Honestly, no. That monster was beyond anything I could even imagine at the time. I heard rumors, but the idea of a single living being having that much power makes me laugh in disbelief even today. The only reason why I felt that victory was still possible then was because I trusted that the Hokage and our elites were large enough monsters in their own right to work something out. And the only reason I convinced myself to believe that was because I could tell that they were monsters beyond human understanding themselves."

"I see. So that's the issue at hand." Inoichi crossed his arms and examined the new group. "Naruto's a monster, isn't he?"

The silence was damning.

"We don't know when he finished exactly, but the Fox had just launched another Bijudama when he appeared suddenly and caught it." Asuma's eyes glazed over as he recalled the recent memory, lazily holding up one arm. "Just, like that. No jutsu or anything special. It was like he was playing with a toy with a half butchered body. Most of his skin was either torn, burned, or just gone. We could see his muscle fibers and everything. Hurt just looking at him."

"I don't know the exact method he used, but as he closed his fist, he condensed the space around the ball and crushed it in his fist." Shino looked up at his father. "He crushed a Bijudama with his bare hand."

The parents at the table had expected a fair bit from Naruto by now, but this was a new one.

"Naruto, he's become something else. There's no other way to put it. Channeling all that power, we could barely do anything but watch and breathe. With effort." Kakashi didn't bother to look at anyone. "His body's a mess at the moment. Torn muscles and blood everywhere. Tsunade-sama is going to be busy all night with him. But, well if you want my personal opinion, he's long surpassed the Shodaime now."

He could still see Naruto's back at that point. Cloaked purgatory black and burning orange gold in the biju's power just like during that brief display when he was with Kaguya and Hidan. Only he could tell that the teen was an even more overwhelming entity, now than he had recovered the other half of the Fox's chakra and the donations of six of the remaining Biju.

Most notably however was the new insignia on the teen's back, right between his shoulder blades.

The core was Naruto's variant of the Uzumaki sigil, a flaming orange streak spiraling around its center; the symbol was surrounded by a lotus like symbol, adorned with dozens of multicolored, yet sharp looking petals that followed the spinning path. It eerily resembled the titanic chakra flower that had manifested during the cataclysmic fight in Iwa.

It would not surprise him if that symbol became Naruto's regalia in the future.

"I agree. Why? Because I strongly suspect that even if every shinobi in the village gathered their resources, we would not be able to surpass Naruto in his heightened state," Shino stated firmly, getting a nod or two of agreement from his friends.

"Not even the Oogakari?" Shibi frowned.

"They are mercenaries with a contract to Konoha, not Shinobi," Tenten corrected. "Scab-sensei was always particular about that."

Sasuke shook his head. "Naruto always stressed to us that those guys were monsters that he never had a hope of beating if things got real. We didn't ask him if that was the case now, but, from what I've seen and how well I know Naruto, I doubt that's changed."

"The problem is that everything else has."

All eyes turned to Shikamaru, and all spines trembled at his words.

"What do you mean?" Shikaku did not like those words. Bad things always took place whenever those words proved true.

The genius of Naruto's generation matched his father's expression and did not back down. "I mean that what we're looking at is just the beginning dad. And Naruto's probably the only one that knows how to prepare for the rest."

"The game has changed." Kakashi echoed Naruto's words to them before he passed out. "The Elemental Nations, Akatsuki, even Kaguya are a bad joke compared to what's coming soon. I can't do this by myself."

The table was ominously quiet as Naruto's words echoed among them once more.

Tsume was completely unreadable. "… And you believe him?"

Sasuke didn't take offence to her disbelief. It was a hard pill to swallow after all. "After you reach a certain level of mastery with Presence, you eventually learn how to 'speak the truth.' At face value it's good for setting up trades and agreements between people. Even talk to animals to some extent. On a more bullshit level, you can invoke psychological vows that can permanently alter your powers if done right, or incorrectly if you're not careful. Either way, whatever's said at that time will without question be fact and be treated as such. It's literally impossible to lie or imply another meaning when you do it."

A statement made by a Presence user under the right circumstances was as good as a vow or a declaration to reality itself, along with all the ramifications that came along with it.

In hindsight, it would explain why despite their frequent bouts of madness, the Oogakari rarely ever flat out lied about anything unless they were hiding the truth poorly for comical reasons.

"And you can tell when someone is doing this?" Inoichi had to admit, he was surprised by the existence of such a convenient, if not somewhat risky, ability.

"The Oogakari taught some of us to recognize when it happens just in case. Like I said, you have to reach a certain level to use it intentionally. It's hard to miss once you know what to look for though." Sasuke waved them off.

"The Summit," Shikaku cut in.

"Come again?" Choza blinked.

"Uzumaki's warning. He's clearly going to do something ridiculous at the Kage Summit." Hiashi was of the same mind as the Nara patriarch. He didn't look at anyone, rather he stared at his reflection in the drink he was holding. "For as long as I have known the child, he has preferred to be the reactionary sort regarding most issues. He does not cause problems, major ones at least, but rather prefers to magnify them in such a way to underscore the faults of others before finally addressing them personally."

He took a sip of his drink. "Or, at the very least, he does so whenever he believes the situation is not immediately dire."

And that was the crux of the matter that not one person could argue otherwise.

"For him to intentionally be proactive on any matter, and aim to rope in the leaders of the Five Great Nations in one go… as much as that person enjoys playing the role of the fool, I am confident that we are all aware of the contrary. I truly fear that this time may genuinely be different."

The table was quiet again for several long seconds.

"Naruto's going to do something big at the Kage Summit." Tenten echoed the chilling thoughts that were haunting all their minds. "And he wants us to actually go along with it."

Technically speaking, they all knew that he was bound to do something monumental and or stupid during the gathering. It was Naruto. Expecting him not to make an ass out of himself was the same as expecting the sun not to rise tomorrow. But, even they didn't initially assume that he had some agenda that included potentially roping in all five Kage at once into his madness. That he actually had some plan to turn the rules that governed Shinobi society as a whole in one go. The only reason why he'd even consider setting off a monumental headache on that scale was if he felt it was an absolute necessity, and needed to be done fast.

"… Fuck my life." Sasuke echoed the other chilling thoughts that were haunting all their minds. Unlike most of the people there, he was going to be at ground zero when it happened.

"Your life was fucked a decade ago," Tenten hissed, "Fuck our lives."

Sasuke would have threatened to cut her for that statement if he wasn't too busy worrying about just how twisted things were possibly going to turn out in the next few weeks, and the consequences that would last at least a lifetime.

Tsume stood up. "I'm not covering your tab tonight, but I sure as hell am not going through it sober."

Shikaku glanced at his son as the Inuzuka matriarch left the table. "Son. I think it's about time you finally explained what is going on. From the beginning if possible."

For the first time in his life, Shikamaru had a strong desire to follow Kiba's mom.

Shino let out a bitter laugh, catching everyone's attention.

"What's so funny?" Kiba blinked.

"I was laughing at the irony of it all. Why? Because over the past few years, we trained believing that we needed power for the war to come and the ones that had made Naruto their enemy. Instead, the fact of the matter is that we have been training in order to stand against the enemies that Naruto himself would be making."

Not one person at the table could say anything about Shino's observation. Not one person could find it in them to laugh either.

o. o. o.

"Shizuka-sama…"

"Do not patronize me Tokiwa. I am not in the mood."

The two Nadeshiko Kunoichi sat on the rooftop of their hotel, overlooking the bulk of Konoha proper. They had already set up an illusion to hide the contents of their conversation from the spies that were no doubt keeping tabs on them.

The older woman looked down at her charge. "We both knew he was a unique character and that your odds of victory were slim."

"It was a clone, Tokiwa. I could not scratch a crippled clone that was putting no effort in defending itself!" Shizuka hissed, recalling how she exhausted herself attacking the chakra construct with no results. The only jutsu it made was some black wind barrier jutsu called Kushala Daora, and for the duration of seven hours, all of her attacks skirted around, past, or through the clone with no effort.

Ninjustu. Taijutsu. Poison. Illusions. Exploding tags. Nothing got past that damn barrier. The only reason why she knew she wasn't being duped by an illusion herself was because high ranked Nadeshiko kunoichi were conditioned against them and most other forms of hallucinogens.

The only brand of techniques that she believed might work were long lasting wide range moves that only people with exceptionally large chakra reserves possessed. In other words, she did not have the power or ability to manifest and drop a rock the size of a house on him, or drown the area in ten meters of water.

She had thought that she could wait out the technique, but that also fell down the drain when the clone politely reminded her that, because the original's Seventh Sense technique perpetually flooded the air with chakra, the clone could essentially tap into a near endless supply of chakra without limit.

The look it gave her though chilled her to the bone.

She may have been young, but she was still a Jonin and a candidate for the next leader of her village. She was strong. She was beautiful. She was important. Just the mere opportunity to sleep with her would be enough to drive most men mad with envy, lust, and desperation.

But Naruto, him and the clone, did not look at her with interest. With curiosity. Lust. Hunger. Anger. Pity. Or even annoyance.

He was completely apathetic to her. As if dealing with her and her ordeals was just another chore that he had to deal with to get on with his life. No, rather, he didn't even have to deal with her if he wanted to, but was doing so regardless just to be polite.

Even worse was that the clone had the same expression during her attempts to kill him. Nothing she did interested him. Nothing she did surprised him.

As if to add insult to injury, the clone had not even given her the honor and dignity to actually defeat her in battle. Just as she had intended to wear down the clone's defenses and chakra for her victory, the blasted thing had done the exact same thing to her. It just stood there and talked while its jutsu tanked and mitigated literally everything she threw at it, until she had literally collapsed on the ground, covered in sweat and seething in pure rage at her failed attempts.

She had refused to give up. She had refused to disgrace herself by falling to the clone's provocations and questions. She had refused to allow herself to believe that she could fail at such a pivotal step in her goal to honor her leader.

And yet here she was. She had technically not lost her bout with the clone. But she had not won either. Even if it was an adhoc improvisation of her village's ritual, it had ended incomplete with next to no effort by the other party.

The fight didn't end with her collapsing in exhaustion, being defeated in combat, or dispelling the clone.

It had ended with the clone walking away after she had run her stamina into the ground so deep, that she couldn't keep up with the crippled imitation.

The worst part was that it would have been even worse if she had gone against the real Naruto Uzumaki.

Rumor was that while the boy was officially Jiraiya's student, he was more recognized as that Oogakari man's protégé. That being said, she could still see several glaring similarities between their target and the Sanin from the stories that their former leader shared outside of the toad contract.

Primarily that they all genuinely preferred to play the fool and make light of a situation whenever possible, but underneath were terrifying individuals that did not appreciate being told what to do. They allowed themselves to be guided from time to time, but were as obstinate as possible if ordered around like some foot soldier.

Trying to strong-arm him would result in disaster. For them, and for their village. Of that, Tokiwa was certain.

"… What do I do?" Shizuka didn't look at her retainer. She couldn't handle looking at anyone right now. "We've been away for so long already. We don't have much time left. We can't wait for him to come back from Iron to make a decision. If I fail now…"

If she failed to get Naruto Uzumaki's seed and progeny, then any hope of Shizuka leading Nadeshiko would die, and their home shall fall into unsavory hands. There was no way that the elders, radical or moderate, would be able to overlook the failure of obtaining such a potent asset, regardless of how unlikely it was to succeed in the first place. No doubt whispers of his actions in Iwa had already reached their ears. Their home was probably teetering on the edge, waiting for word of Shizuka's update.

"For now, it would be best to work so that he does not outright reject our proposal. So long as the possibility for him to agree to some of our terms is on the table, we can postpone the worst outcome. If even half the rumors about Uzumaki's prowess and worth are believed back home, then the radicals would stay their hands out of caution of our potential success. We can claim we are gathering information on the major developments here and establishing a warmer relationship with him, keeping them on edge."

It was a stopgap measure at best, but a valid one. Potential assets of Naruto Uzumaki's caliber came around once a generation at the most, and had to be handled carefully. The radicals were fools at the best of times, but they knew an opportunity when they saw one.

"Is that truly the best we can do?" Shizuka didn't like the proposition. It was too uncertain for her tastes. Ever since the one she truly loved was murdered last year by the radical faction, she had tried to stick to a rigid lifestyle to counteract the pain and instability she perpetually felt in her chest. Power. Strength. Technique. Her teacher's lessons. Those she could rely on. Other people though…

"We came at an uncertain time. It would be foolish to assume that anything we do now is guaranteed. Better to build up our odds now than risk everything for a failing bet. At the very least, our reports and warnings about the Kage summit should buy us the time needed for us to push negotiations and Uzumaki to return."

"What do we have to negotiate with though? It is clear that my body does not interest him." The teen sighed. "Is he gay?"

Tokiwa gave her a peculiar look. "If you recall, he had mentioned his relationship with the Hyuga heiress on more than one occasion. She was the one that was perpetually sending rather intense killing intent at us. I'm quite certain that his sexual preference is not the issue."

He was possibly whipped into oblivion, but not gay.

"There are whispers about his relationship with the Priestess of Demon Country. About how it might be something more. If true, then at least monogamy won't be an issue with him." Shizuka looked up at the sky, recalling some information she had learned while staying in Konoha. "Someone of that stature could keep a concubine or two if they so desired. If their arrangement is appealing, do you believe that we could negotiate something similar?"

It would be demeaning, without question. A leader of a Hidden Village being put to the side like that. However, power tends to warp the perception of people if enough is applied, and thankfully her prospect has that in spades. It wouldn't be the first time a powerful man was saddled with multiple women without facing ramifications. Nor would it be the last.

"We can hope. As peculiar as that young man is, he isn't needlessly cruel. The issue is that he clearly doesn't agree with our customs. Perhaps if you had not been aiming to be our leader our position wouldn't be as precarious as it is now."

One of the usual requirements of being a village leader was to actually live in said village. And protect and prioritize it above everything else.

Dedicated as they were to their home, both Shizuka and Tokiwa were fully aware of just how needlessly cruel and counterproductive it could be at times. Few of their village's kunoichi knew who their father figures were, either because the village deemed the males not important enough to remember, or because their mothers died before bestowing them that information. Since their fathers were often shinobi of some notoriety, even fewer of the girls ever had the opportunity to meet them since higher infamy meant higher mortality rate, leading the bulk of their culture to further shun the idea of male parental figures in general.

As crude as it was, Naruto's bewilderment as to how their village could function in general was more on point than his outburst portrayed. Or rather, his thoughts reflected the sentiments of the moderate faction of their village perfectly. They couldn't sustain themselves reliably if they didn't adapt.

The fact that he quickly came to that realization so soon after hearing about their customs was another point to make note of. Most men normally just got stuck on the sex and children bit and ran with their dicks controlling their actions after that.

"Shizuka-sama. After everything that's transpired, I feel I must ask again, do you truly feel ready for this?" Tokiwa spoke, her tone a bit harder than before. "After what happened with Sagiri…"

"He is dead, Tokiwa. I do not see what a dead man has to do with my mission." The girl's voice was terse and cold.

"And do you think that will endear you to Uzumaki once he hears of what happened to the man you originally chose as your lover?" Tokiwa's counterpoint hit home. "As powerful and prominent as he is, your target has clearly not abandoned his emotions or empathy for others. It is openly known that he is an orphan. If he has a child with anyone, he fully intends to care for it. Not use it. He wants a family, not to be related to tools. That means he intends whoever he is with will share at least that much in common with him. Do you think you are capable of that much as you are right now, Shizuka-sama?"

Her unspoken ultimatum was heard clearly. If Shizuka couldn't open herself up to others again, then their mission was as good as dead regardless of how negotiations went.

Much like Shizuka's unspoken answer betrayed her confidence in the matter.

Tokiwa sighed and shook her head. "We will take this one step at a time. Both in negotiations, and to rid you of those shackles you have anchored yourself with. Even if you do not manage to accomplish anything with Uzumaki, you need to deal with the latter if you are to have any hope of finding happiness in your life."

"How is that relevant to my mission or the future of the village?"

"It's not." The woman moved from her spot and turned to the doorway back into the building. "However, I believe that we would be doing Ichika-sama a disservice if we made no effort for that to come to pass. Until then, I fear you are better suited to be another shinobi of the village guided by the elders, than Ichika-sama's successor."

Shizuka stood up and snarled in fury. Clearly Tokiwa's words had hit a sore spot, however she did not say or do anything. Nothing she could say would change the situation she was in, and doing anything now would only cause more problems.

"We aren't in Nadeshiko Village, Shizuka-sama. And the only person with you is me. If you want to continue, I will help. If you wish to run away, I will not stop you. If you want help, all you need to do is ask. If you need to confide in me, I am right here. But whatever you do, whoever you chose to be, depends on you alone. That is the one thing I cannot provide."

With that, Tokiwa entered the building without turning around, leaving her charge alone.

Shizuka didn't follow her. She didn't run away either. She just stood there, staring at where her retainer had left, gritting her teeth and fists, unable to decide what to do next.

Two blocks away in an alley, Hinata Hyuga leaned against the walls of a building with her arms crossed and Byakugan on.

She waited and watched both women from a safe distance for ten more minutes before deciding that there was nothing else worth seeing, and made way for home to finally get some rest. The next few weeks would be busy ones, and she didn't want to survive them all while nursing a post Kyubi battle hangover.

o. o. o.

Several days later, the bulk of Konoha's shinobi had gathered at the front gates.

Standing at the entrance, fully packed and ready to leave, were Tsunade, Sasuke, Hinata, Shizune, Kakashi, Naruto, Onoki, Roshi, and Kurotsuchi, while everyone else was bidding them farewell.

Most of the attention though was of course, on Naruto.

Who was bandaged up like a half-done mummy and leaning on a crutch for support.

He was glaring at the bulk of his friends and loved ones, who had all not seen him since the incident with the Kyubi several days ago, and were all holding back their laughter.

"HAHAHA! You look like fucking Danzo!" Well, almost all of them.

"Kiba. I regret your everything." Naruto's statement was as flat as his expression as the dam broke and everyone else burst out laughing at his expense. "If moving extensively didn't hurt like a pregnant bitch, I would be extracting sweet, delicious, completely justified and equivalent revenge right now."

"Ha! Sucks doesn't it?!"

Poof. Pop. "Moooooooooo."

A shadow clone appeared several meters above everyone, before transforming into a plastic cow of all things and then flying off in a seemingly random direction.

"Which is why I will settle for cow-ing your room as compensation."

"AAAAH?! The fuck?! Don't cow my room you bastard! How is this equivalent?! Can't you take a joke?! Akamaru! Hurry! We have to catch the flying cow!"

"Bark!"

"Naruto. Did you really have to do that?" Hinata sighed as her teammate bolted off to defend the structural integrity of his room.

"He called me old."

"Of course he did."

"Leave it Hinata. You know there's no point in trying to talk sense to him when he's like this." Sasuke waved her off.

"These are bandages earned through (self-inflicted) blood, sweat, pain and tears! It is not a cosplay of someone that nobody likes! Or a diaper!"

"He's bitching like someone that would wear one." Roshi smirked, enjoying the show.

"Shut up or he'll notice we exist." Kurotsuchi elbowed him. "Gramps is going to have enough trouble on this trip as it is. Don't make it worse."

"I'm paraplegic, not deaf," Onoki grumbled, floating next to them effortlessly with a modified pack over his shoulders so that they wouldn't slip off. His wounds had not healed completely, and his time as a Kage was limited, but his chakra control and techniques were still top tier. While he couldn't maintain his flight forever, he was gifted with some seals and chakra storage crystals from Konoha that enabled him to keep going during daylight hours.

A small fountain of blood burst from Naruto's head through his bandages, indicating that he had reopened one of his wounds.

"Damn it Naruto! How many times do I have to tell you not to stress your body!?" Tsunade snarled as she stomped forward to berate and heal him.

Apparently, despite having his ridiculously enhanced chakra system finally flowing properly, Naruto's infamous healing factor wasn't kicking in yet due to said system being incredibly, for lack of a better term, raw. Any excessive activity or channeling of chakra on his part outside of the Seventh Sense risked reopening his wounds and causing his body to give out. Due to his condition, he had more or less required constant supervision from Tsunade and Shizune, much to their annoyance. If they had not been going on the trip with him, he would have been banned from it in the first place.

Once his chakra and body adapted to one another again, his recovery would accelerate exponentially, but until then everyone more or less were forced to adapt to the blonde idiot exploding in blood at least three times a day because he couldn't stay still.

They've had to beat off Crypt with a stick several times that morning alone.

That poor stick. Its sacrifice would not be forgotten.

"Are we sure it's safe to let him go to the meeting like that?" Tenten hummed. "I'm pretty sure that the other Kage would have issues if he accidentally had a period over all of them."

"Joke's on you Tenten. I'm pretty sure I got all of the blood out of my urinary tract yesterday." Naruto proudly claimed before getting smacked by Tsunade.

"Don't make me prove you wrong brat. I've tamed Jiariya and I can sure as hell tame you."

"Not with Hinata around you won't. That's her territory and you know it."

"She can watch, help, and give live suggestions."

"I approve so long as there are no other witnesses to enjoy the process, I mean interrupt. Interrupt the process." Hinata shamelessly gave the Hokage her blessing.

"No worries. I'm a man of culture. Not snuff films." Kakashi waved lazily, far more interested in reading his latest piece of 'culture' than Naruto's suffering.

"I'll settle for just the screams of forlorn desperation echoing in the distance." Sasuke made it abundantly clear that he had no intention of saving Naruto from his painful fate.

"I'm just the help." Shizune shrugged as if it wasn't her problem.

"I'll be good." Naruto wept in defeat. There was absolutely nothing kinky or arousing about the thought of the scenario of Hinata and Tsunade having their way with him coming to pass. Not at all.

"That's what I thought."

"Hmm. I'm starting to get a better idea of how you people manage to keep that brat in line." Onoki stroked his beard with his remaining hand with fascination. No doubt he was making mental notes for the future.

"What did I do to deserve this?"

"Seven. Hours." Several people glared at him with a vengeance.

"Today?" He asked back.

"You look like Danzo," Shino repeated the words that Kiba had been punished for just a few minutes earlier.

"How is that my fault?!"

"Does it matter? You still look like him." The Aburame lifted an eyebrow, challenging the blonde.

Naruto opened his mouth, only to pause and retract his outburst. "You're lucky Danzo's that much of an asshole."

"Well done Shino." Tenten patted him on the shoulder. "Drink on me tonight for that one."

"Score."

"Kiba's going to be pissed when he hears that Shino got away with that one when he didn't," Choji grinned.

"So much for imitation being the greatest form of flattery," Onoki mused with a grin. He would enjoy telling the others in IT back home just how badly Danzo screwed up in Konoha.

"Pity no one's tried to copy you," Roshi muttered before taking a swig of his seemingly bottomless sake jar.

"Don't push it you dirty ape. I only need one hand to smack sense into you, and one foot to kick your rear."

"I'd rather you don't. A midget like you would get lost in my ass in no time. We'd never find you again."

"How is it I'm the one that has to be the babysitter out of our group?" Kurotsuchi stepped in before the two cranky geezers got out of hand again.

"Probably because you haven't been perpetually on drugs for most of your time here," Roshi burped.

She… actually she couldn't really argue against that. Onoki's injuries had him perpetually in the hospital, and Roshi had been busy either getting drunk or adapting to the Four Tails' recent self-rediscovery. She still didn't know what was up with that last part, but apparently it was a hell of a trip according to the Jinchuriki.

"Speaking of pissing off people in positions of power, are you sure you didn't give that noble from the capital a reason to screw us over?" Asuma asked. "He left yesterday, right?"

"Hm? Oh that guy? Yeah. We talked a bit, I humored him so he wouldn't have another mental breakdown, and then he left." Naruto waved him off. "He was much easier to deal with after being shown the pecking order earlier."

"The pecking order? You sure it was smart to give him the Shadow treatment?" Shikamaru grimaced.

"Not Shadow's." Naruto's eyes went wide as he shivered, recalling a haunting, almost comical laugh in the background.

"Wonderful. He's going into training PTSD again," Tsunade sighed as another stream of blood spouted from his neck. "Naruto, so help me if you make the start of the trip unbearable I'm banning ramen till we hit Iwa."

"Bitch fight me!"

"That was fast." Kurotsuchi wasn't even surprised at this point.

"Naruto." Asuma stepped in. "The Nobles are idiots, and the Daimyo is a bit flaky at times, but he's not a fool despite how he acts. He hasn't stayed alive and in control over that cesspit for over three decades by being oblivious. I'm serious. You didn't give them reason to do something ridiculous, did you? You know better than everyone how sensitive the situation is."

For a fraction of a second, there was a glint in Naruto's eyes. A flicker of a cold calculation that indicated that a plot was being meticulously crafted with the information that he had gathered at that very moment.

That fraction of a second passed with only a scant few noticing it, though none pointed it out. They were too unnerved by its brief existence to do such a thing, and worried about the consequences of exposing it to everyone else.

"Don't worry. I'm already drowning in politics as it is. It would be a pain in the ass if crusty old people are what does me in after what I can pull off now."

Onoki coughed.

"Correction. Crusty old people that can't do shit except complain."

"Thank you."

"Anytime."

"You know you just admitted you're a 'crusty old person.'" Roshi skeptically looked at his prideful boss.

"When it comes to that brat, I'll take what I can get. It's easier for my backside that way. Plus he admitted that he wouldn't complain too much if I'm the one that ended him. As far as I'm concerned, he just gave me the carte blanche to smack him around when he mouths off just like everyone else here does."

"Didn't know your ego was in that arm and leg that got cut off."

"Just like I wouldn't complain too much if I ended you in the near future either…" Onoki muttered as he floated towards the gate. "Oi brat. Hurry up. It's going to take some time to get to Iron from here. Especially if we have to meet up with the Kazekage. I also want to see if the idiots back home have managed to not burn everything down without my babysitting."

"Fine fine." Naruto sighed like a child. "Good to know you treat everyone pretty much the same old man."

He turned to his friends with his arms open. "So, anyone want to risk a little blood on them for a goodbye hug?"

Crypt's head popped out of the ground with an excited expression complete with starry eyes and a hopeful smile.

"Not you. Go home."

"Awww." The madman pouted before sinking down again and vanishing.

Choji rolled his eyes before walking forward and embraced his friend, slapping him hard on his back. "Hopefully we'll have a normal gathering when you get back next time."

"Ngh." Naruto winced at the harder than normal pats his body endured. "Hope so. I can feel the love buddy."

"Seven hours, pal." The Akimichi's smile was far more predatory for several seconds before it returned to its normal chummy state. As they broke he noticed the smears of blood on his bare hands, indicating that his vengeance had been slightly too effective, before hiding the evidence in his fists. A quick glance at his victim indicated that while Naruto had not particularly enjoyed his punishment, he wasn't exactly bothered by it either. If it had actually been a problem, Naruto would have said something about it by now.

The next few minutes were occupied with similar instances of his remaining friends bidding him farewell while exacting their own petty revenge in the process.

"Do try not to get killed cousin." Karin held walked up to him and crossed her arms. "I'm only starting to get used to you and we have a lot to talk about."

"Whatever you say." Naruto smirked. "Don't be afraid to ask these guys for help if you're in a bind. They're not as awesome as me, but they're reliable."

"Naruto, we call on you to either make sense of whatever madness is going on, or to clean up an otherwise even more annoying mess. As far as most of us are concerned, you're a last resort." Shino stated factually, getting no arguments from anyone else.

"Like I said. I'm awesome."

Karin smirked. "Keep telling yourself that." She turned around to look at his friends. "So who wants to help me redecorate the Uzumaki compound while he's gone? Lunch will be covered by the family tab for anyone in on it."

"You're officially our new favorite Uzumaki." Tenten jumped on the idea immediately, followed soon by many others.

Naruto had the feeling that letting Sasuke's (currently potential) stalker into his life may have been a terrible mistake.

Before he could object to Karin's personal brand of petty revenge, someone else caught his attention.

"Naruto." Shion stepped forward, accompanied by her perpetual guards. For a moment, she looked like she was unsure if she should get any closer than that, before she took the plunge and embraced him in front of everyone. "I…"

"Don't," he whispered back, Karin already forgotten. "It's not your fault. Just do what everyone else does and leave it to my crap luck."

"But-"

"Have a good look at everyone." He didn't let her finish. "Does it look like they genuinely blame either of us for how things have turned out?"

Shion blinked before turning her gaze up to where Naruto's travelling companions were. Outside of Hinata, who was her usual miffed self whenever someone got too close to Naruto, no one seemed to be bothered by her presence there, or her existence in general.

If anything, they were amused. Even though they all knew her role in what had taken place.

She let out a bitter laugh, her question answered in that one moment.

He held her back with a dry smile. "Better?"

"Yeah. Thanks. You always know what to say to calm me down."

They pretended not to literally hear Hinata's temper spike slightly in the background.

He nodded and let his arms drop. "Will you be good? I left another clone in town to keep my chakra circulating while I'm gone."

Shion's smile turned strained, reminded of her current condition. "I'll manage. I should be better acclimated by the time you get back. Waltz-sensei didn't give me an exact time of when I'll be fully healed… but more importantly, what about us?"

Naruto scratched the back of his head in frustration. He wasn't against polyamory. Hell, he should have been covertly put under the CRA by now. But, he wasn't even going to think about going through with the nonsense unless he was able to do it right.

Mostly because that perverted Harem nut in the Family, Issei, would absolutely murder him if he screwed up. The guy literally taught seminars on how to properly facilitate, sustain, and maintain harems as a higher educational class in his spare time with the fervor of a cultist fanatic. And he thought Ghost was insufferable when it came to women.

… That guy, something clearly left a deep mark on him that was never going to go away. Right down to his soul. Even Ghost avoided letting situations like that take place whenever possible.

Ironically, despite all his ranting and efforts about taking care of his Harem, it was abundantly clear that Issei's Harem was the one that took care of him.

Ghost didn't need to explain the lesson for him to get it. Even the mighty could be reduced to nothing but a joke if hit the right way. Even the powerful were sometimes helpless without perpetual assistance to keep them on track. One way or another.

What he saw that day wasn't an ideal or normal family, but it was still without question a genuinely happy one that would last a long time.

Then again, it wasn't as if he had much firsthand experience of what a normal household should be like either.

If that was the case, then could he truly afford to be picky with situations presented to him? If he was already of the mind that general human standards meant little to him, then what was one more deviation?

"… Family, huh?"

"Naruto?"

"Hm? Oh, right us." Naruto shook his head. He shouldn't get distracted now. "I, okay, look. Now is a pretty crappy time to talk or make decisions of that nature, but… BUT, I'm not against it so long as we, as in everyone involved, do things right. We'll talk about this later. Does that sound good?"

Shion smiled, as if relieved. It wasn't a 'promise of a lifetime,' or a declaration of love. She wasn't desperate enough to assume he would hand those out now, but he was trying. For her. And while that didn't mean much to most people, she had seen what came about whenever Naruto Uzumaki put genuine effort into a task.

"Thank you."

She could have said more, or let the conversation go on, but she didn't. There was no need to.

She did peck him on the cheek though before leaving.

Naruto huffed in mild frustration. That had been harder than he wanted to admit. His eyes trailed to the side to where two Kunoichi were watching him with mixed expressions. "You two want to have a turn?"

Tokiwa smiled wryly. "I wouldn't mind a round or two with a kid like you at some point, but I'll try later when there's less blood guaranteed. You're too soft for my tastes."

"Give me a month for my flesh to congeal and I'll show you soft lady."

"Pity. I heard you could recover faster than that."

"My body may be out, but my mouth never stops!"

"You'll have to stop to breathe at some point."

"You clearly have never met a Grand Master wind element specialist before. I could write books on the various and versatile ways I can blow hot air. The trick is in the lower diaphragm, the esophagus, and surprisingly, the tongue."

"Can anyone tell if he's doing it on purpose or not?" Tenten looked around.

"Knowing Naruto, he's probably already forgotten if he is." Shikamaru sighed in reluctant acceptance.

"I could go on for days about how I trained my tongue and how often I rendered it tender!"

"Normally this is where I would shut him up, but knowing Ghost, these stories have the potential to be exceptionally inspirational." Jiraiya stood on the side with a pen and pad out.

"Kinky." Kakashi nodded in approval, only to have Hinata step on his foot. "I mean, oh no. He's about to rant again. Someone please stop him, for all our sakes. Think of the children. Especially the children. In fact, I think I see some children right over there."

When in doubt, use children as shields. No one can ever ignore those.

"Don't rope us into this pervert!" Konohamaru, Moegi, Udon, and Hanabi shouted as one unit. It warmed the heart to see a young team in such harmony with one another.

Shizuka stepped forward. "I thank you for keeping an open mind about our offer and situation, Uzumaki-san, Hokage-sama. Hopefully we can come to an arrangement once you return."

Tsunade didn't even bother to hide the 'thank you' she mouthed to the foreign girl before walking up behind the agitated blonde and resting a hand on his shoulder. The instant she did so, his body seized up and his words stopped, courtesy of a nifty lightning based medical technique that induced temporary full body paralysis. "And you have our thanks for your patience on the matter. As well as our apologies for this idiot's behavior. I wish I could say it gets easier with him… I truly do."

"You. Love. It. URK?!" Naruto grit out through his numbed body, only to writhe as the Hokage upped the frequency of her technique to really screw with his nerves.

"Jiraiya will be more than happy to accommodate you two during your stay," Tsunade smiled sweetly.

"Wait WHAT?! We didn't agree to that Tsunade!"

"During which, he will no doubt offer his assistance regarding that issue we discussed earlier. As someone who is familiar with your village and customs, he will do doubt be able to provide you with assistance should you request it. And do not be afraid to use him for target practice if he pushes his luck. I'm sure your late Master has told you stories about his habits. Sadly he hasn't grown out of them."

"And then some," Shizuka allowed herself to smile briefly. It was the sort of reaction that indicated that the memory brought both joy and pain to her. "Sensei enjoyed passing the time recalling her encounters with Jiraiya-sama. It was one of the few things that got her to relax and distract her from her condition in the end."

That clearly struck a nerve with the Toad Sage, if the sudden halt to his protests was any indication. Looking like he swallowed something bitter, he let out a tired sigh and stepped forward. "Fine. You win. So long as you two behave here, I'll spot a place for you two here. Just one condition."

"Oh? I hope it's nothing too extreme." Tokiwa smiled sultry.

Jiraiya, for once, didn't rise to the bait. "You two join me for a night so I can have company while I talk and drink myself stupid thinking about Ichika."

The two women stiffened, not expecting that to be his request. The Toad Sage's reputation was a bit of a mixed bag depending on who you asked, but at the very least, he was clearly a shinobi that cared in his own way.

"I… It would be an honor. Jiraiya-sama." Shizuka bowed, just enough to hide her mask cracking. She had hid the impact of her Master's death for months now. She couldn't show weakness now.

The two Sanin shared a brief look before Tsunade took everyone's attention again. "Unless anyone else wants to risk setting off this idiot, we will take our leave! We will represent our Village before the others, and show everyone what it means to be a Konoha Shinobi! In the meantime, I expect everyone to be on their best behavior! Anyone that disappoints me will not like the consequences! Am I understood?!"

"Hai! Hokage-sama!" The crowd of shinobi chanted at once.

"Good!" She nodded with a smile before taking her hand off of Naruto's shoulder, dispelling her technique and allowing him to finally collapse on the ground. "Then let's get going!"

"I agreed to nothing!" He shouted defiantly as a crumpled heap. "Just as I can apparently feel nothing!"

"That's fine. We expected little from you in the first place." She turned with a shrug and made her way out the Village. "Do try to keep pace, Naruto. I'd be disappointed if your claim of being the strongest shinobi ever was just another one of your mindless outbursts."

"So help me lady, as soon as I can feel my extremities again…" Naruto grumbled as his body lifelessly floated above the ground as if it was being carried by a single rope of string, and followed her out of the village. "Fucking medical ninjutsu screwing with my nerves and meat sack body mugnghldkjfhf…"

As everyone watched their leader and their (questionable) hero leave, they all smiled. The future looked bright. They had a strong home, and a strong ally. So long as nothing outrageously questionable or concerning happened, then they could look forward to what came next.

o. o. o.

That night, Naruto snuck away from camp to do something outrageously questionable and concerning.

o. o. o.

Omake: Fear the plot:

Dima, Specks, and Skyler found most of the Oogakari sitting at the edge of their property on lawn chairs, either drinking alcohol or smoking weed.

"You lot look unusually relaxed." The Light user crossed his arms skeptically. "What did you do this time?"

"Well." Ghost started off, sipping his beer through a straw, as he couldn't feel his hands from doing paperwork for days on end. "It first started when Scab loaded everyone's lunch with enough drugs and downers to put down a small army of God Class monsters because we had messed with his medical equipment too many times."

Thump.

In the background, Dima spied Crypt rolling off of the roof of the Oogakari house and fell flat on the ground.

"After Crypt ate all of it, Scab settled with giving us the rest of the afternoon off and unlocking the seals to the cabinet where we keep the good shit."

"Should have never let him be in charge of the good shit." Waltz grumbled, blowing out a small stream of smoke from his latest puff of his personal homegrown cannabis. He had free access to the lesser strains he made in bulk, but for financial reasons, the "good shit" was always monitored and marketed to the highest bidder, no matter how much they made.

"Wheeee."

Thump.

In the background, Crypt fell from the sky head first and dug himself down to the waist in the yard. There were several dozen holes there already.

"So you're just taking an off day?" Specks skeptically probed.

"Yup." Shadow drawled. "Right on the edge of our plot. Which is close to everyone else's plot, but it ain't. We're not allowed on their plot right now unless they really want us to. Until then, the only plot we're touching is ours. Vigorously."

"Wheee."

Thump.

"See? Crypt gets it. He's impaling himself constantly on our plot. He can't get enough of it. Our plot is the best. Not like everyone else's plot."

"She's making a double entendre, isn't she?" Skyler double checked with the others.

"Triple. And unfortunately she's only getting started." Dima knew exactly where this was going, and that there was no hope of escape.

"Thank Zuzushi we have the good shit out." Waltz puffed his hash while Scab clinked his glass against Ghost's bottle.

"Of course, that's nothing compared to my plot." Shadow went on, completely ignoring the others. "My plot's rich and deep, spanning wide tracts of land. So many people and adventures are in my plot. You should know Dima. You've been in my plot for years. Messing and cleaning it up. Hell, the very purpose of my brothers' existences is to be in my plot. At the same time."

"Your plot's old and used. No one's interested in your plot now sis. Not even you." Ghost groaned. "You're more interested in screwing with other plots now."

"My plot is sacred ground! You are nothing without my plot!"

"When was the last time you looked after your plot? Trimmed it? Cleaned it?"

Specks looked warily at Dima. "Do they even know what they're talking about now?"

"At this point it's safer to pretend to go with the sane interpretation if you want any hope of getting any peaceful rest tonight." Dima sighed.

"Wheeeee."

Thump.

"Dima." Waltz reached into the cooler and tossed him a drink. "The good shit."

"Spread the love to the brats too, Waltz. They're gonna need it." He grumbled as he walked to a nearby free chair and sat down. If he was going to suffer through this latest bout of stupid, he wasn't going to do so standing up.

Looking up at the sky, he slowly began to tune out the world. Outside of the noise, it was a surprisingly nice day out.

"Brats don't get the good shit."

"Don't you dare lecture me about proper plot maintenance you philistine! Have you seen your plot recently?! It's so overgrown and infested that people are terrified of getting near it!"

"Brats don't need the good shit. We need the good buzz." Skyler all but demanded with a hint of desperation. Specks didn't even hesitate before nodding.

Seconds later, they each caught a bottle.

"… Absinthe?!"

"Wheeee."

Thump.

"Look! Look at how frequently and eager Crypt is inserting himself in our plot! Look at how dedicated he is! Frequently and irregularly at different points and intervals! He is a regular plot device that all should try to emulate!"

"Did I pick wrong?"

"… Absinthe it is."

o. o. o.

Jutsu Encyclopedia:

Kushala Daora (The Iron Dragon's Black Wind)

B-S Rank Barrier Ninjutsu

Classification: Defensive Wind/Yang element

Description:

One of several ninjutsu Naruto made based on a particular world he visited with Ghost. Its name comes from the monster that naturally generated severe winds to protect itself and inspired the creation of the technique… and certainly not because Naruto thought that the monster's name itself was cool and wanted to use it just because.

It generates a barrier of visibly black wind around the user of varying range. Depending on the user's mastery of the Wind and Yang elements, the efficiency and effects of the technique varies greatly. At its lowest level, it is capable of deflecting and knocking aside most generic projectiles and mid-level projectile ninjutsu with little effort at a range of one meter from the user's body. As more chakra is utilized and greater mastery of the technique are reached, the barrier's range can expand and handle techniques of greater power. The amount of chakra in the barrier can also serve as interference for most genjutsu and non-physical attacks, though there are exceptions.

Its greatest defensive properties are only available once the user utilizes it with Yang element chakra along with Wind, turning it into a "Sky Style" ninjutsu. This alternate version of Kushala Daora virtually isolates the user, the wind generated by the barrier twisting space itself around them to literally redirect the path and effects of any physical attack that comes their way with little effort.

In order to bypass or cancel the technique in its advanced state, one of the following methods is to be used:

A method to disrupt the space altering properties of the barrier. The use of Presence is noted to fall under this category.

A powerful wide range and physical stable attack is utilized to assault the entirety of the barrier at once and maintain significant pressure for at least thirty seconds. (Note: wide range Fire, Lightning, and Wind attacks need to be of significantly higher quality than Water and Earth variants, as the former elements are too easily redirected by Kushala Daora.)

A non-physical technique is used that can bypass the chakra interference of the barrier itself.

The user is convinced to cancel the technique.

The user runs out of chakra.

Despite its overwhelming defensive properties, Kushala Daora is not without flaws. The technique is fairly chakra intensive at its lowest state, and criminally so at its highest, so it is not something that most shinobi are capable of using for long durations. More than that though are the restrictions it places on its user's mobility. While the winds of the barrier are immensely powerful, they are also restrictive. Users describe moving at high speeds with it active akin to wearing a suit of heavy armor. They can move with the degree of freedom of a generic Jonin if needed, however any more than that and the winds will struggle to keep up with the user and consequently slow them down. Should they break past this speed barrier, then the technique will dispel itself instantly.

Regardless of these faults, the technique is a near impenetrable barrier for most shinobi to overcome, and more often than not an unspoken warning that the user is exceptionally gifted in wind style techniques. Should the user be shown to use the advanced Sky Style variant, it is advised to retreat as quickly as possible due to Sky Style Ninjutsu's infamously wide ranging destructive potential.

o. o. o.

A/N:

Betad by Kagaseo.

I, really don't have any excuse for this being so late. I just burned out. This year's been draining for me emotionally. I still have my job and everything, no worries there, but, ugh. It's getting harder and harder to dredge up motivation to write lately.

Naruto's in pure glass cannon mode. Absurd chakra output capabilities that easily trumps Hashirama at base form now, but his body's falling apart almost comically every few minutes. It's going to absolutely ruin any attempt he makes at being serious or showing off.

The Nadeshiko village Konoichi have their own issues and job to do. They can't simply be told no and go away, and their issues and culture is FAR more complicated than in Canon, so a simple talk-no-jutsu is no dice here. I admit, Shizuka's not much of a personality atm, but she's near Sai's level of emotional stunted. Give it time.

I have it in me to do one more TTRT chapter this year before going back to FFD. Should be a good way to mix things up and slip in one more Ghost Vs. Santa omake. Plus, I'm pretty sure I'm going to have Naruto do something that no one else has done in an established fic before. Should be pretty fun to set up and see everyone's reactions.

Fucking 2020 election season. I hate both candidates and parties. I seriously do. Make whatever arguments you want. I don't care. They both suck. We need a third party to at least temper these two idiots out, even if it's just as corrupt and incompetent. Fight me. You will lose.

Been reading a ton of light novels. Manga. Not much anime…

Oh yeah. Got tickets to the third Heaven's Feel movie. That's finally coming out. Gonna enjoy that. Unfortunately, none of my friends here are interested so I'm going stag on this one. More are interested in the Demon Slayer movie though.

Ok. I have a question for you guys.

If I start a , would anyone actually donate to it? I'd write and post chapters regardless, so my rewards would just be early access to my chapters, and maybe a free tshirt for the bigger spenders. I know I said that I will not make money from making fanfiction, but this feels like an ok middle ground I guess. I'm not cutting anyone off this way, but… fuck I don't know. I'm half asleep when writing this last bit. Let me know either way. I'm not going to stop anytime soon regardless.

Anyways, that's it for now. Hopefully everyone's doing well and keeping safe.

SO REVIEW! WORSHIP THE LOG! BEWARE OF SHADOW'S PLOT FOR IT IS UNEVEN, GAPING, AND FULL OF HOLES! AND REVIEW AGAIN!