Illusion is Reality
Chapter 133
-Blood and Livestock-
My Friends and I were making plans. So many plans. I was debating on whether or not to tell Tina about my plans. I decided I would broach the subject. She already thinks that Bill is Miz's 'mother' so I could bring it up slowly over time. So that was taking a lot of my time. And there was also my new relationship with Fordsie over in Seb's 'set. I still couldn't believe he asked me out. I still remember what happened when I told my friends about this new development in my social life. Well, everyone was fine with it, but Kryptos was...
"WHAT?!" Kryptos dropped his books on Laws and Regulations. He stared before he buried his face in his hands. "Of COURSE you are." he took a deep breath and then let it out slowly. "As long as he makes you happy." and then Kryptos gave me a genuine smile. "But if he ever fucks up, I'm going to shoot his legs off." he sounded entirely too happy about that. Sigh.
"I mean, if Fordsie hurts me, I'm going to destroy him, yes." I shrugged. Kryptos laughed. "Good. If you keep that in mind, I can rest easy." I was surprised by how well Kryptos was taking this.
"It'll be like 50 years at most, not a big deal. And when that human solves his last equation, I'll be here for Bill..."
...I'm going to ignore that thing Kryptos was muttering under his breath.
Pyronica was thrilled. The rest of them were very happy for me.
Though, I think they were just happy that I wasn't depressed anymore. Well, not as much. I was still checking Brother's Door every night, as well as sending him updates of my life on my blog. I don't know if he'll ever respond, but… I had to try...
But back to the present...
There was a whirling of feelings inside me. I… was happy, the romantic in me was still giddy about actually dating someone. But I was also afraid of the fact that I was keeping secrets from him. I mean, what I do in my own 'set doesn't have anything to do with him, yes. But… still? I mean, he hasn't asked me about it, so it's not…
...I was making excuses. I just didn't want to tell him, or any of my human family because I was afraid they'd say Ammy's idea was terrible and awful and we shouldn't do it.
Hell, I haven't even told them about what I was planning over on their side right now. I started my own delivery service, I'm hiring anyone, regardless of their background. There were a lot of former convicted criminals for drug charges who struggled to get jobs once they got out. I wanted to help them out by hiring them. Seriously, the Earth over in Seb's 'set was fucked up. I had plans in place to try and enact my own changes to help make things better. A little bit at a time. First, start a business that has relatively easy work. All they had to do was go to one of the buildings I owned to pick up some packages and deliver them to the address. Kinda like the postal service. Except I owned it, and paid them enough to actually afford to live comfortably. I could afford to do so, since the money I made from people using my super fast delivery service exceeded the salaries I was paying my workers. And there was profit even after those deductions which I was saving in Yun's bank account for now in preparation for the next step of my plans there. I planned to buy out the orphanages, except orphanages weren't really a thing anymore in Seb's version of America. They had a foster care system now, and I was still trying to figure out how to go about getting my foot in the door for this. I could start an orphanage, a place to have some Care Units take care of children until they got adopted or were legally adults and able to live on their own. Of course I've researched into the subject. Of how difficult it was to run an orphanage because of the money required.
But that was only a problem for humans. I am an all powerful demon god with magical powers. Things like the upkeep of the building, the electricity, running water, food, new clothes, etc- I could do all that myself without even using money. And staff to take care of the children? I've got my Care Units, who don't require food or sleep or a salary. So all that could be handled. So… my plan was to open or buy out orphanages, and take care of the children. Raise them, teach them, educate them and hopefully they'll grow up to be good people who can go on to help make the world better. Most kids who end up in orphanages aren't there because their parents are dead, it was because their families were living in poverty and the parents give their kid up in hopes they'd get a better future.
I had a solution for that too, hire on some of the parents to work in the orphanages I would own. So they can have a place to live, food and shelter and can be together with their kids. Kind of like the Island. Care Units who would care for the majority of the day to day tasks, human adults who could fill in what the Care Units could not. And for all of them, free room and board.
...heck, maybe I should just start buying out apartment complexes and opening them as free room and board for the homeless as well? I can do that. Oooh I had so many plans!
Maybe it was a silly idea, but it was a test as well. A test of how to fix things in Seb's 'set, and a different test on how to fix things here. I was planning, trying things out
Anyway, back to what's happening here. This plan was the one that would have the least amount of deaths. It was a long con, an ongoing and long term project. But… it was possible.
I had scanned and observed all the current council members, as well as all the politicians, nobles and other people in power within the Federation. I needed to be able to mimic them after all. It was hard work, tiring as well. And that's why I took a break. Not in Seb's 'set, living my daily life with my humans, since that didn't really count as a break. I was just relaxing in my own 3rd dimension, Earth.
Things have really been moving since I've been here. There were a lot more human settlements now. I sat around watching them, trying to just… relax a bit. My mind was a mess right now. I didn't know how to feel about… that memory I found. Nor did I really understand what exactly that memory was.
Watching the children run around and play in the fields while their parents worked was soothing. I noticed one of the kids tripping and reached my hands out instinctively to catch him. It didn't work, of course. He fell right through me. Luckily, he was fine, though he did start crying. I floated closer, wishing I could do something to help. Unfortunately, I could only watch.
An older child helped him up and even took him to sit down so she could clean his scrape with the edge of her shirt. It wasn't long before the kid was laughing again, getting up to continue playing. I continued to watch them all play together. Ah, that girl was the boy's sister.
How nice.
...was it super creepy for me to just be here, watching the children?
...that is super creepy isn't it?
Before I could really get into a funk about that, I heard some music. Oh! Oh! Hang on! What's this?
I saw some adults beating on drums or blowing into some hollowed wood. It was very basic, but they kept a beat and rhythm. Some other humans laughed and danced or slapped against their own bodies along to the beat. Rustic but no less wonderful. I clapped along, even if I was unheard here in the Mindscape. I made a note of one of the performers. A real head for beats right here. I could feel an itching inside me (a good itch, not a bad one), to help him, cultivate his talent. Oooh~ I know who's dreams I was entering tonight~
"Hi! Name's Bill! And I'm a huge fan of your music!"
The musician was quite happy to have someone there to listen to him practice within his dreams, where I could shift the dreamscape around and help him work through parts he was stuck on by giving my opinions as he freestyled.
Heck, he even agreed to host me sometimes. That…. was nice. I was surprised, really. He didn't seem all that worried about me being a triangle once I properly revealed myself to him. That was nice.
Turns out, he was interested in travelling to play music for other tribes as well. And having someone like me around was for protection. I didn't mind if he wanted to use me for that. I carved out runic protection spells in small wooden totems to carry around. I even taught him how to do so as well. He called me his guardian spirit. I felt really nice about that.
We ended up in a growing settlement I was interested in. Mainly because of the pottery. With the agriculture and permanent settlement situation taking care of their living needs, the people had time to devote to other projects. That being art.
And what was music but another type of art?
We were welcomed with open arms and he spent some time there playing and teaching those who were interested. Well, it wasn't all good, there was some suspicion as he was from another tribe and all. But I stopped anything from happening to him and he won over the people by being not-dangerous to them. I was worried about the suspicion and prepared for the worst, but I'm glad nothing terrible happened.
My newest host claimed I was too suspicious (paranoid) of people. I responded that I didn't want anything awful to happen to him. "But you are already protecting me, spirit. So no harm will come."
"Sure, they can't physically hurt you…" I sighed. "But what if they chase you out and won't let you play music for them? What if they don't like you or trust you even though you mean them no harm?"
But he only laughed. "If they don't like me, that's their choice. I don't mind. Them trusting me or not won't stop me from playing my music." I stared at him for a while. It was… nice that he still held such an optimistic view of it all. How long has it been since I've given up on people? When did I lose my own optimism? When had I grown bitter enough about the constant rejection that I expected it right off the bat?
...I wanted to be able to look on the bright side of things again. Or at the very least, not let rejection hurt me. My host was so easy going, just wandering as the wind took him.
"Spirit, why do you fear so much?" My host asked, tapping out another beat as he sat beside the trees at the edge of the village. Scared? Me? Well… yeah...
"I'm afraid of being hurt." I told him honestly. "Not a physical wound, as I am a spirit and cannot be damaged. But… my emotions are fragile." I would say 'heart' if it weren't for the fact that I didn't have one. My host seemed sympathetic. "Those who have been hurt many times can become those who break more easily. You haven't been allowed to heal before you were hurt again, were you?"
"I'm trying to heal." I sighed, sitting on his shoulder. He reached a hand up to tap my side. "I wish you luck. What would you need to heal?"
"...love and support, I think?" I sighed. And then I couldn't help but unload on him. "I lost my sisters a long time ago. And then I lost my little brother." He gave me a pat. "That must have been hard."
"It was…" I sighed again, leaning against his head with my little legs dangling across his collarbones. "And then… I found someone who wanted to be my big brother. I've never had a big brother before, but he wanted to be my brother. Mine." I glowed brighter for a moment before the light dimmed. "But the other people I care about don't like him. They're unhappy when he's around them. And I didn't want them to be unhappy. So I told him about this. And… I think I hurt his feelings. And now…. I haven't been able to see him or talk to him for a very long time. And I feel awful."
My host listened to all this, and then he told me, "It was kind of you to think of their feelings. And if your brother was saddened by what you said, he should think about what he might be doing to make those others unhappy."
"He's… very… forceful in what he wants from other people." I admitted. "I mean… he's assertive, and he knows what he wants, and he's confident enough to pursue it. I… really respect and admire that about him." even if it meant that Blue was willing to do all sorts of awful things to reach his goals, things that I couldn't bring myself to do.
"You must love him a lot." My host commented. I nodded. "Yeah." I flicked my bowtie. "But… I feel really bad. About… what happened between us. About how… he reacted when I essentially told him I didn't want him around the rest of my family."
"Well, that must have been hard for him to hear. But it's not your fault." My host raised an eyebrow. "And… you haven't been able to talk to him since?"
I nodded morosely. My host patted my side. "That's unfortunate. But you shouldn't let that get you down."
"I can't help but be sad about it." I snapped before apologizing. I shouldn't be taking my stress out on my host. He waved it off, an easy smile on his face. "I'm not telling you to stop being sad. Sometimes, we need to feel sad. It's having those sad times that makes the happy times that much better, right?"
I let out a weak chuckle. "Yeah…"
"I'm just saying that you shouldn't let that sadness taint everything you do. It'll be hard." and for the first time, I saw an expression that seemed almost sad on his face. "Sometimes it's so hard that you'd want to give up and just wallow in the despair, because while you're down there, things can't get any worse. Because it's painful, but it's familiar and comfortable. And it starts to feel like trying to get out, to get better, is more trouble than it's worth because you can slip back down into that pit at any point."
I stared. "...you…"
"I find it's easiest to find small things that can make you happy. Don't forget about your despair, but intersperse it with little moments of happiness." my host grinned at me. "What makes you happy, spirit?"
"...hearing your music."
"Then I shall play for you." He smiled and did just so.
Eventually, I felt better, enough to sing along to his beat, trying to make up a song. I was never very good at that, making up songs. Well, I mean, I could sing about all sorts of stupid stuff. But I couldn't make a serious song. Something that meant something. Could never figure out how. So my song ended up being something like, "I like meat balls~ they're yummy and filled with sauce~ and I like to roll them in my hands~ 'cause they're squishy~"
My host laughed. "What a delightful song."
"Sorry I can't come up with anything better."
"No, it's wonderful."
I suppose so. Well, ok, I kinda felt nice about the fact that he liked it. I stayed with him for a few weeks more before I left. He was safe, with plenty of protection charms I drew up. Couldn't let him get hurt while I was away. Earth wasn't a safe place, even without any alien interference from the Federation.
The thing about getting some small happy moments and such...
I knew that. I already knew about that. But… it was hard, to really put my own feelings aside for things like this. But… I wanted to get better. I did, really. I'm not lying about that. It was just… hard. As he said, I suppose I was just… used to being miserable. And I really did want to get better. I swear. But… I just...
...now that I've blocked other people's thoughts and emotions away from me, I'm left with just myself. And myself isn't ok. I'm not ok. Haven't been ok for a very long time. Even before… before I became Bill. I never figured out how to get better. And… now… I just… I'm left with my own self, and I didn't like my self at all.
And part of me wanted to be punished, to continue suffering, because I thought I deserved it. And I know that was… part of my issue. The severe self loathing and the want to let myself hurt. Part of me didn't want to get better. Part of me, now that I was wholly me, without any influence from Xanthar's calm serenity, or Pyronica's sassy don't-give-a-shit attitude, or Teeth good humor and optimism or...
...well, I know that it would be better if I was myself and thinking clearly. Being wholly myself was a good thing.
But I was alone in my head with me, myself and I. And none of us were any good at feeling good about ourselves. Not without help. No without piggybacking off other people. I just… wasn't strong enough for that. Never was.
But brother wanted me to be myself. And I know he was right, because I can't keep relying on other people to be happy for me. I had to be happy myself. I had my friends there to support me, but I had to… learn to be happy by myself. I used to be able to. Though, I have to admit, I wasn't ever happy in Flatland. Not until Will was there. Not until I had someone...
I could never be happy by myself. I had to have someone else there, someone I could make happy. If I made them happy, then I could be happy. Seeing Will smile or beg for more of my stories, or to learn another origami design, or even drawing together…
...I just wanted to make people happy.
But why couldn't I make myself happy?
I could distract myself, and for a while, I could almost be happy. But that didn't last forever. I had to… get better. I had to grow up. Stop being a damn child, wallowing in my own misery and just… learn to be happy. For myself. I just… didn't know how...
But I wanted to try. I had to try.
I really do want to get better. I really did.
Small things. Small things that made me happy...
I had to think of something...
Something to make me happy, at least a little bit.
Hello and welcome back to…
COOKING WITH BILL!
The audience shrieked and cheered. I was spraying sprinkles everywhere, fanning it out over the crowd. Yes! Take the sugary goodness! I laughed as I sprayed it around, listening to the sound of tiny pellets pelting the various surfaces. Almost like raindrops on an umbrella, but much higher in pitch.
"Now, now, settle down." I laughed, brushing some stray sprinkles off my countertop. "I know you're all excited because I haven't been here in a while. Did you miss me? Admit it~ you all missed me~" My smile was on point, my bricks glowed healthily. And it was all a lie. I was trying my best. Putting on an act, pretending to be cheerful and charismatic and...
...and the image of Bill Cipher I had in my head.
But was that me? I didn't know. I am Bill Cipher. The only one in this 'set. But I always knew that I didn't belong here. I wasn't the Bill that was supposed to be here. But I tried. I tried my best to be the Bill I thought I should have been. And… I just… didn't know what that even was anymore. Brother wants me to be myself. He's not wrong, I guess. I… should be myself. But I still didn't know who I was… not anymore. With all the mess that happened to me, I just wasn't sure anymore. But… 'Bill' was a mask I could slip on easily. It was something I could use to make do. A placeholder until I figured out what I really wanted to be. But that too, was problematic, wasn't it?
I sobered, the energetic exuberance waned. I sighed. "Look, tonight's show is… going to be different." I told my audience. I cleaned off the counter and sat down, folding my hands together. "We need to talk. A serious talk."
The audience 'Awww'ed.
"Yeah, I know. Serious isn't as fun. But I'm gonna level with you all." I rubbed a hand along my temples. "I've been… stressed lately. I'm… getting some help. In… multiple ways, for multiple things. I want… to have a fun show, entertain you all. But it's hard."
I began to bring out some ingredients. "But I still want to try. Not just because I feel I have to, but because I want to have fun. I want to have fun with you. All of you. I want…" I placed the ingredients down. "I want to make you happy. Because that makes me happy too. So I want to make this show entertaining and also educational." because I realized most of my cooking was pretty dangerous, and wouldn't be able to be done at home. Which was unfair for anyone who wanted to use my recipes.
...not that I really gave a real recipe during my shows.
"So today, we're gonna make bread." I told them all. "And I'm not gonna lie, baking isn't my strong suit. But I want to learn, and watching me mess up would be entertaining enough." I laughed lightly. "But I've got a secret ingredient today!" There was a drumroll sound as a pedestal began to rise out from the ground beside me and a spotlight popped open above it. "Mega yeast!" I waved my hands at it. "A special yeast bread for ultra fermentation, ultra heat, ultra rise, to make the poofiest bread you've EVER seen!"
The audience 'Oooh'ed.
"With this mega yeast, even a novice like me could (probably) make bread!" I grinned. "Stay tuned for the end of the show where I reveal our sponsor and where you too can get your own mega yeast." I picked up the mega yeast, it was the size of my hand, heck I only need one mega yeast for this. Super weird to think about how this thing was a living, single celled fungi. It was just an incredibly HUGE cell. I squished it lightly in my hand. Huh, almost reminded me of moss balls.
"So we put the yeast in a large mixing bowl." I told everyone as I floated over to deposit it lightly into a kiddy pool sized bowl. Yeah, I was gonna make giant bread today, or rather, I was gonna make a bunch of bread dough so I can experiment with them. "And now we need to feed the yeast so it'll begin to eat, grow and fart a lot." I giggled. "Which sounds really gross, but the gas they release is what makes bread rise."
I poured in some sugar, water and sprinkled in some salt. I wasn't too sure about the proportions but I knew there was enough water to dissolve the sugar and not too much salt because that would retard the yeast. "And now we mix it until the yeast dissolves into the water mixture." I pulled out a giant spatula and began to stir it. "You'll notice a really strange smell, that's the yeast." I informed the audience as the camera switched views to be closer to the bowl and looking in.
'Ooooh' the audience clapped politely.
Hm…. Was it supposed to be this bubbly already?
"Please don't become a sentient creature, please don't become a sentient creature…" I muttered as I decided to let it rest for a while. "ANYWAY! Now we add the flour!"
I pulled a lever and a little ramp popped down. There was a long slide that went zig zagged around the room with the end positioned right over the bowl. "Here comes the flour train! Choo choo!" I pulled another lever and the flour began to slide down the ramps. A cheerful tune began to play.
"So, while the flour is being poured in, you start mixing it. And you stop once the dough has fully absorbed enough flour to pull away from the side of the bowl, because that's when it's firm enough to be kneaded by hand." I told everyone. I've watched Yakitate Japan! I know the basics of bread making. Though I still think eating bread so delicious that you turn into a magical flying stingray is a little bullshit… or eating a bread so delicious that you go back in time and prevent your mother from dying during your birth is a little much… or eating a taiyaki so delicious that you grow gills and suddenly develop the ability to swim is kinda weird… or eating a fruit tart so delicious that all of reality turns into Lord of the Rings was just over the top...
...man that was an awesome anime...
I reached out a foot to stop the flour once the dough began to firm up. "Ok! So now we can pop this big boy down on a floured surface to begin kneading it!"
And boy was this dough big. I had to sink my countertop away and lay out a giant mat of silicon on all of the ground. I redirected my flour slide through a sifter to begin evenly sprinkling flour across the mat. "Ok, yeah, maybe get a large area to work on when you try this at home… and also put aside many hours to devote to this." I told my audience.
I heaved the bowl over and upended it onto the mat. Shit this thing was heavy.
I put the bowl aside and sprinkled more flour on top of the dough. "And now, we knead it for 5 continuous minutes." I looked down at my tiny hands. "Um…" I shook my hands and they grew larger and larger. "Ok, that's better." I then delightfully squished my hands into the dough, cackling. "Oh that feels funny!" Squishy squish~
"So-" I grunted as I folded the far end sides of the dough into the center and pulled it toward myself. "This part-" I pushed down with the heels of my hands squishing it back outward, and then pulled in the far end sides to repeat the process. "Takes a lot-" I rotated the dough around 90 degrees after each knead. "Of energy-" I didn't really have muscles to get tired, but it still took some effort to continue kneading non-stop. "And will help you exercise your arm muscles."
I paused to sprinkle some more flour. "Make sure to put a tiny bit more flour if it's too sticky, can't knead it if it's too sticky. And yes, it's going to be sticky at first. It'll smooth out over time as you keep going."
But damn this dough was big, and even now I could feel the heat from the yeast inside it. Ah fungi, what a terrifying, unknowable entity you are. "Ok, once you've kneaded for five minutes, just put it down and leave it alone for a bit. Give him some privacy." I patted the top of the dough before floating away, waving a hand to make a new countertop rise from the ground. "So while the dough is resting, take the mixing bowl you started with, and clean it." I lifted up the kiddy pool sized bowl and shrunk it down to the size of my fist. "Of course, cleaning something this big is annoying, so I'm shrinking mine." and then I wiped it off with a towel.
"And now that it's clean, we just have to grease the bowl with some sort of oil. Not motor oil, unless you're a robot and can eat that stuff. It can be any kind of oil that is safe for your species to eat." I waved my hand and a whole line of pedestals popped up beside me. "So I've taken the liberty of getting every type of edible oil I could find at my local grocery store!"
#NotSponsored
"I'm curious about how using a different oil will affect the bread? If it even will at all?" I put a little bit of the different oils into multiple bowls, large, but not as big as the original one. I was going to break the dough apart into smaller pieces after all. I grew multiple arms to hold all the bowls at the same time so I could rotate them all to make sure the oil was coating all of the inside surface of them. Once that was done, and I retracted all my arms back inside with a 'SSSWUP' sound, I went back to my dough, which had puffed up slightly in the time I left it alone. "So now we just knead it for a few more minutes before we can cut it up into smaller balls to test out the various oils on." I told my audience. I know this cooking show wasn't as wacky as my usual, but I was trying to actually be educational.
"And now, just take the dough balls and put them into the bowls of oil, roll the dough around so they're coated all around with the oil." I separated the dough into their own bowls. "And now you just cover it with plastic wrap or a slightly moist towel-" hehehehe moist… "and leave it somewhere warm while they all prove their worth to me by rising!"
I pointed dramatically at the now covered bowls of dough. "You'd better rise, you hear me? The results of this show depend on you!" The dough balls didn't respond. I narrowed my eye at them. "Do not fuck this up for me you little pieces of sh-"
The screen blurred and a clock popped up to show the hands moving as it ticked and tocked. Once the hands moved to indicate a whole two hours passed, the clock faded and the screen sharpened back into clarity.
"-nd I'm sorry, I really am, I'm just under a lot of pressure right now. I want to do something right. And cooking is one of the few things I almost think I can do-"
A paper airplane flew across the kitchen and poked my back before falling to the ground. I paused and turned, picking it up. Opening the paper revealed the words [We're back on air] and I glanced up at the audience. "Oops, ahahahaha." I cleared my throat. "Welcome back!" the audience clapped.
"Now, as you can see, the dough HAS risen!" I waved my hand to display the line of bowls, which all had their towels taken off to reveal the wonderful, poofy dough that had doub- no, TRIPLED in size. Wow, that mega yeast really lived up to its name. The dough was nearly too big to fit in their bowls now. "Which means they've proven their worth to us. And now! We can prepare them for baking!"
I lifted one of the bowls. "Well, since I've got like… thirty different doughs here, I'm gonna need a really big oven. Or multiple smaller ovens so I can test stuff out, either or." I waved my hands, making multiple ovens and plenty of baking pans or wooden slabs that were oven safe. "So, since I'm experimenting anyway, let's go with multiple."
I grew many hands again, picking up all the bowls. "Now we take the dough out from the bowls and-" I tilted the bowls over and let the bread fall out several feet and land on the silicon mat. "Drop them from a few feet in the air, to knock the air out. Can't have too many bubbles or you'll end up with holes inside the bread."
I put the bowls down and dusted the dough with some flour, just so they wouldn't be as sticky. I mean, my hands were nearly frictionless so the dough actually didn't stick to it, which meant it was super slippery for me. So my application of flour was more to give me something to help grip them. "And just pick up the dough and drop it a few more times, until you're sure all the bubbles inside have popped." I threw the dough down at the mat. "Take that bubbles! That's what you get!"
"And once that's done, shape it into whatever shape you want and put it on your baking pan or baking board, after sprinkling either more flour or some other ground grain, like cornmeal, on the pan." I was putting flour on some and cornmeal on others before lying the dough on top of them. "Leave them alone for a few minutes to heal from the abuse you've put them through." I patted one of the doughs. "You can use this time to set up the ovens."
Preheating the ovens was as simple as a flick of my fingers, making all the oven light up and spew out fire for a few seconds. "Oops! Too much!" I waved my hands and made them calm down. "Anyway, most bread needs to be at least 400 degrees fahrenheit. So we'll go with that." I shrugged and flicked my hand, making all the breads fly into the various ovens. "And I guess I'll just watch them as they bake, see how long it takes, I don't actually know how long it takes… I'll put 15 minutes to start with..."
I huffed. "Well, while we're waiting for the bread to bake, how about a bit of karaoke to spice things up?" I flicked my fingers and the lights dimmed as a stage rose up. The music began to play as I held a mic on a stand and began to twirl around the room, tapping my foot to the beat.
"Mayonaka ni tsugu oto no keikoku~" I twirled and danced with the music around me. I wasn't worried about anyone getting suspicious. I was a fan of music, and everyone knew that. And who didn't listen to Space Idol Jan-Jan? Of course I knew all his songs. "Kyouwa on ni you gozen rei ji~"
The lights flashed around me to the beat. I sang and danced in my kitchen. Who said a cooking show couldn't also be a concert? God I missed singing. Why not have a concert? Well, I didn't want to deal with Jan's fans. I just wanted to sing to an audience without having to actually interact with them. I liked performing for people, but I didn't want to meet them. Didn't want to deal with the stress of that. I know it's stupid, to want to be heard by people, while not wanting to be anywhere near those people. But hey, that's sort of why I even had this Cooking Show in the Dreamscape anyway.
By the time I reached the end of the song, the bread was still baking and nowhere near done. So I waved the lights and mic away as a white board appeared. "Ok, so since we still have a while to wait, I'm going to tell you all about Tweetle Beetles…"
I drew the pictures on the whiteboard as I went. "When tweetle beetles fight, it's called a tweetle beetle battle…"
The screen blurred out again and another clock came down to tick and tock as the time passed. After a few moments, the clock faded away and the room returned to clarity. The ovens went 'DING' and I gasped. "Bread's done!" I waved my hands and all the pans slid out. "Ok, let's see how this turned out-"
Psssshhhhhhh
"Oh fuck."
The breads had grown even larger. I divided the dough up, but they were still huge. "Huh. Good thing my ovens are larger on the inside…" I mumbled as I floated over and poked one of the breads. The bread was also steaming. I… was that normal? Was it supposed to do that?
And then I slapped a hand to my top brick. "Shit I forgot to do the egg wash!"
Psssshhhhh
The steam was filling up the room, I waved my hand to clear the area around me. "Ugh, I don't know if the egg wash would have done anything, so I guess it's not that big of a deal." Sure was weird how much steam there was. The steam was making it hard to see in here. Hang on, I'm gonna open a window...
I flicked my fingers and materialized a fan to blow some of the steam away. "Yeesh, I know it's fresh baked bread, but it's super hot, and steamy." I held one with both hands, the damn thing was as big as I was. Surprisingly light, since it's actual mass wasn't all that great, so the size was most likely due to the gas inside, forcing the dough to rise and puff up. Would explain the steam. There was just too much gas being generated.
I dug my thumbs into the bread and tore it open.
"ACK!" I reared back as the steam burst into my face. I dropped the bread and rubbed at my eye. Why is it ALWAYS the eye?! As I rubbed at my eye, the hissing sound of steam continued. What the heck? I know it's supposed to have gas but this was a bit much, wasn't it?
I finally opened my eye and noticed some of the other bread had swelled up even more, to the point that they were now pressing against each other in this confined space. "U-um…"
They were still growing, I could feel them bumping against my back and sides now.
I turned to the camera. "Well, looks like the bread rose. So I'm going to call this a success in my latest baking project! Mega yeast, super great for making giant bread!" I gave the camera a thumbs up, even as I pushed at the bread that was starting to kinda squish me. At least it was soft.
"A-anyway, as long as you've got plenty of room, feel free to try this recipe at home-" I grunted as the bread continued to grow, smushing me between the hot loaves. "A-ah, maybe use less flour? I think a small portion would be better." The bread had grown and squished me enough that the only thing to be seen on the camera was one of my hands and my top hat floating over the bread.
"I hope this has been an educational and entertaining experience." I waved my hand the best I could before that too was engulfed in bread. I didn't think bread was supposed to keep rising after it was taken from the oven, but I suppose this mega yeast was heat resistant so the oven actually didn't kill it yet?
I heard some more hissing sounds and struggled the best I could, unable to free myself from the pillowy bready goodness. To be honest, it was really nice to feel. The semi-crisp crusts that still squished so softly against my bricks, the texture of the grain felt nice. It was a good thing I didn't need to breathe though.
The voiceover rang out as the ending song played, [Cooking with Bill has been sponsored by…]
MEGA YEAST! For all your baking needs. Available now at your local PanPanPastry Supplies!
Mega yeast is to be used under the most careful of precautions. PanPanPastry Supplies is not responsible for suffocation brought about from use of our product.
I felt a bit better. So it was time to go back to work.
I learned a few things from my experiments.
One, my cooking shows were broadcasted throughout the entire Multiverse, even the parts and places where the Federation hadn't discovered yet. Even to the places where I haven't visited yet.
Two, my cooking shows were Dreams, and most people didn't remember them more than just a vague feeling of bemusement when they awoke. This was fine, as I was mainly using them for fun. But for what I was planning, I was going to have to make it so my long distance Dream projections were more… memorable.
Which meant more experimentation.
From what I could tell, my long distance projected dreams were weakened by distance, with the farther dimensions getting less 'signal' for lack of a better word. So the solution could be a stronger projection, except I couldn't, because I didn't want to fry anyone's brains. Plus, I still wanted people to be able to shake out of my dreams and return to their own, if they wished it. The other option was a variation of power which would be weaker the closer it was to me, and stronger when farther.
But that still didn't solve the whole 'people don't always remember it' problem.
It's not like everyone forgot their dreams when they woke. I would analyze what made some people better able to remember versus those who didn't and adjust accordingly.
It was a lot of work. But it was work. Which meant it was a distraction.
Truthfully, I'm a workaholic sometimes.
Because keeping busy was the best distraction.
And unlike my dear Fordsie, it was fine for me to work and work because I didn't need to sleep. Or eat. Or rest. Not if I didn't want to. And I didn't want to. It was fine. I'll rest once I reached a good stopping point. There was just too much to do right now.
(But the mental version of chibi-Linda was giving me some very stern looks.)
Look, I'll take a break later. I needed to get some shit done.
I approached my first vict- erm… client. An elderly councilman who wasn't one of the more active ones, even if he was just as vile. I was starting small, to see if I could get away with it. This was a test after all. I appeared in his dream, flexing my power somewhat to snap him into clarity. It worked whenever I was actually there. But long distance clarity was still something I was going to need to work on.
"W-what? Where-" The pale brown alien looked around himself. He was in his office, a dream recreation of it. "Heeeey Uglith~ Can I call you Uglith?" I crooned, tapping my fingers on his desk. He jumped, eye stalks going ramrod straight. "C-Cipher!" he pushed himself away, but he couldn't get far, since his desk was near the back of the room. "Oh, don't mind me." I smiled, leaning back and folding my hands over the desk. "I'm here to make you a proposition."
"I don't make Deals with demons." Uglith managed not to stammer.
"Oh, this isn't a Deal, it's a proposition." I squinted my eye into a smile. "A business arrangement, if you will."
"I know what happens to those who work with you." Uglith said warily. I giggled, "Only if people don't hold up their end of the bargain. But… you're not stupid, you know that you shouldn't try to fuck me over, now don't you?"
Uglith was still quite uncomfortable. "What do you want, Cipher?"
I raised a hand to adjust my hat. "The real question here is what you want." I leaned forward. "What is it that you truly desire~?" I don't affect free will, but I can lower people's inhibitions if I so chose. It was almost like hypnotism. I can't make people do what they don't want to, I simply let them be more honest with themselves. "What is it… that you want?"
Uglith shuddered, a ripple going through his large quadrupedal form. "I want…" his eyes were glazed. "I want power…"
"What power? Why?"
"So… so I don't have to be afraid… so no one can hurt me… so I… can do what I want, don't have to fear anything..." The council members were all for hiring assassins on each other. For all sorts of reasons. It was almost expected by this point. It was why they all had bodyguards who would be around them constantly. But… they couldn't stop themselves from sleeping. And here I was. Though, it appeared the constant threats on his life were wearing on him. He didn't want to die, didn't want to be killed.
Pretty basic. "What else?"
"So I can do whatever I want… get whatever I want…" a stupid smile grew on his face. "Can do… whatever I want to people… they can't stop me…"
Okay, yeah… I was already fed up with him.
"So what would you want? What would you want in exchange for your position? To leave your post, to go and receive what you want, to leave everything behind?" I pressed. There was a rumbling around us.
"...I want… to be… immortal..."
"And if I can give you that? If I can make it so that you can't be killed, can't age until your organs fail you. And you'll be unstoppable since you'll be unlikable! Just think, do whatever you want, have all of your wildest dreams fulfilled because you can't be killed?" I crooned, the darkness seeping out from my bricks along the ground and up his desk.
He didn't even notice, so lost in the fantasy, the daydream of what he wanted.
And then he blinked and shook himself, his fur bristling. "What would it cost me?" He demanded. I was almost impressed, he really was a politician. One who was intelligent enough to be able to get this high on the council. He wasn't going to just accept without a bit of debate or explanation.
"I will give you immortality, and in return, you give up your position. Give up your identity, give up all this," I spread my arms out to gesture at the room around us, his office, "Give up all this, leave it all behind." He had no close family, I checked.
"My… position… on the council?" Uglith blinked slowly. "Why do you want me to…"
I paused. Well, I didn't feel like lying. So I could try deflecting. "You wouldn't even need it anymore, once you're 'all powerful' so what's it matter?" I leaned closer. "Think about it. You could do whatever you want, no one would be able to hurt you, no one would be able to kill you… and all you have to do is leave your job. A thankless job where everyone hates you and the other members hire assassins on you and each other constantly…" I laughed, "Do you really want to live like that? Wouldn't it be so much better to just leave all that behind? Go have fun?"
"...but… my job… I have to…"
"You have to what? How many years has it been since you've done anything of note? Kergil makes most of the real decisions nowadays. Ainita is the only one who even tries to oppose him, and she's winning more often than not. And I know you won't even try to go against her. All you've ever done is agree with the majority and keep your head down, you're nothing more than a 'yes' man. They don't need you, they don't want you. So why even bother? Just leave it all behind… it's too much work and no fun at all..." I purred.
"Leave… it…" his eyes were glazing over again. "Think of it like an extended vacation…" I enticed him. "And don't worry about the paperwork, or having to resign, you don't even have to do that…"
"And… you'll grant me immortality?"
"Your wildest dreams~" I smiled.
"I won't be killed? Won't die? Ever?" He pressed. Hm. Looks like he was one of those who were afraid to die.
"You'll live for as long as you wish to." I answered fully honestly for once.
His fur bristled again. "You won't kill me?"
"I have no desire to kill you." another honest answer.
It seemed he could tell this as well since he seemed to relax.
"And… what if I change my mind, what if I want to back out of whatever you're going to do to me…" Hm, smarter than I gave him credit for. Didn't think he would actually think of that.
"You can call off the Arrangement at any time. It's not a Deal, so I won't be enforcing it." I told him. "And how are you going to make me all powerful?" He asked next.
This was the tricky part. Instead of answering, I giggled. "Ooooh~? Do you want all the nitty gritty details? I could tell you all about how to rearrange one's DNA to make the cells multiply like crazy, a type of regeneration almost like a virulent cancer, except it knows when to stop once the wound is healed~" I waved a hand lazily, the edges of my limb twisting and growing multiple eyes and teeth. "Of course, I wouldn't be mutating you, not if that's not what you want… but it's a very in-depth process. Why, Kryptos once asked me how his immortality worked and then got violently ill when I explained the actual biological process of it all..."
Uglith shuddered again, rearing back. "I don't want to know!" He said quickly. "As long as you give me what I want." He paused. "And… All you want in return is for me to leave my job?"
"Peh, you don't have to quit. I just want you out of the way." I leaned against his desk, laying my front bricks, right below my eye, on top of my folded hands as I blinked my long eyelashes up at him. "You see, I'm planning a hostile takeover, if you will. And I would prefer not having to kill people. So-" and I made my shadow rear up behind me. "I just thought it would be nicer to try and get you to get out of my way of your own will before having to take drastic measures." He didn't pale, but his eyes went wide and his ears shrank down. "T-then you were planning to threaten me from the start-"
"Psssh~" I waved a hand lazily, sitting back up and rolling my eye. "Threats are more merciful. It means I haven't just outright killed you and been done with it. And besides, I thought I would be nice and give you the choice. Even give you something you would want in exchange for just getting out of my way." Was I being really 'Bill Cipher' right now? Yes. Did I care? Nah.
Uglith curled his paws up. "Not much of a choice if you're threatening me-"
"I'm not. Yeesh!" I rolled my eye again. "Dramatic one, aren't you?" I shook my head. "While I don't want you in my way, I'm not gonna kill you even if you are. I'll just relocate you forcibly, if need be."
"...into your dungeons, most likely." Uglith narrowed his eyes. I waved him off. "You'd be alive and healthy. Well cared for and fed. Most of my prisoners die of old age anyway, if I don't just get bored and release them." unless they really made me lose my temper and I ended up killing them. But of course I didn't say that part aloud. "Anyway, I don't want to have to force you against your will, like I said. So I'm not threatening you." I grinned. Uglith sighed. His ears laid back flat against his skull. "So… if I agree to leave and stay out of your way, you'll make me immortal?"
"Of course! Such a thing's easy peasy!" I giggled. He frowned as he considered it. "...alright. Fine."
"So we have an agreement?" I crooned, leaning forward eagerly. He huffed. "If it's not a Deal, and I can back out anytime I want… and you can't do anything to me if I do?"
"Peh, fine~" I huffed. "I won't do anything to you if you agree to leave for at least a month, standard galactic time. After that month, even if you tell me you want to break the agreement and go back to your seat on the council, I won't do anything to you." It sounded nice for him, probably. But this was just a verbal agreement. Which means that just as he isn't bound to some Deal, I'm not bound to keep my end of the agreement either. I could be lying for all he knows and just kill him whenever I wanted. I wasn't going to, of course. But I could. Really, making this not a Deal actually made things more dangerous for his health and safety. But he doesn't seem to realize that. And I wasn't gonna tell him.
"Alright then!" Uglith still looked a little wary, but he agreed.
And my powers surged out, wrapping around him. "Goood boy~" I purred as I set to work.
In the waking world, none of the guards noticed when their boss vanished for a split second. They didn't notice because their boss was just asleep in his room. Any scans would show that this was him. Right down to his DNA, this was definitely Uglith. I was a professional after all. This construct was a perfect copy.
And the real Uglith? Well, his DNA was twisted up to become undying. And then I tossed him across the multiverse and dropped him off on a small planet with all the comforts he'd ever want. Except other people, but whatever. If he really didn't like it here, he'd just tell me so. I even left a Care Unit to keep an eye on him, as well as seeing to his needs. And then I left him to it. Care Unit 26 would contact me if anything happened.
ConstructUglith woke up and went about his day as usual. I couldn't do anything too drastic after all. He would go about his life as the real one did, aside from a little detail. The new Uglith wouldn't go out of his way to abuse his power over others like the original one did. In fact, he was 'programed' to steadily be kinder to them over time. It would take months for any real changes to be noticed, but it was a start.
And there I was. I Blinked home and groaned as I sank into the sofa. One down, 299 to go.
Yeah, the Council had a lot of people. Most of them were minor seats who didn't really do much aside from being there just as a representative. I would be picking off the minor ones first. The 12 high council members were gonna be the hard part. I wasn't going to bother Ainita, since she's a woman I can respect. Tina's mom is just super cool.
But really, if I replace enough of the minor council members, then whenever they do a vote, I'll be able to affect the numbers.
Eh, this is such a pain. But it made me feel better, the fact that I was doing something.
I hated feeling useless. PaciFire came over to sit beside me. "How'd it go?"
I raised a hand with a thumbs up. "One down." I dropped my hand, the limb trailing over the side and onto the floor. I was exhausted. Not from the energy expenditure, but from having to negotiate. I always felt drained from dealing with people in customer service type of situations. Especially with people I didn't like. Which was most people. I just don't like most people.
"Hey," PaciFire laid a clawed hand on my side. "...Lets go do something fun. Take a break from working." I groaned. "No time, too much stuff to do." "Well, you can sort of control time now or something right?" He patted my side. "If it wouldn't stress you out more, do you want to just… put the multiverse on hold or something?"
"I could move to the dimension that I own, and spend however much time I want there before going back out here…" I mumbled with my eye closed. PaciFire patted my side again. "Then do that. And take us with you." I opened my eye to see him giving me a worried frown. "I don't like the idea of you being alone right now. No offence."
...does he see something that I don't notice? Do I look that bad? "I'm fine." I said. But he just shook his head. "You're not fine. But you're trying to be." he leaned down and frowned at me. "So let us help. Take a break. Relax. Don't worry about what you have to do. Just for a little while, at least."
...did I really look that bad off? Or is Paci just better at seeing through me than I thought? I thought only Pyronica knew me that well.
...I guess that's kinda unfair to the others. They've all known me for the vast majority of their lives by now. I guess if I could tell how they were feeling when they had something weighing on them, they could see me as well.
Part of me felt a warmth inside at that thought.
Having people understand me was… nice.
Especially since I'm not all that good at telling the people I cared about that I'm not feeling good. Not unless prompted. I could complain about how stressed I was to people sometimes, if I was questioned about it, I do answer. And my answers usually ended up with me spilling everything. But I sometimes held back on all the ugly details. I was more likely to talk about my issues with strangers or acquaintances than with the people closest to me. Not because I didn't trust them, but because I didn't want to burden the people I loved. So… if they could tell, without me having to say anything, that was less stress on me to have to tell them.
So truthfully, I'm glad it was noticeable to him. Because I did not want to have to say it myself.
I know that eventually, I was going to have to sit my friends down and have a long talk about my feelings and such. But I wasn't ready for that yet. It was weird, I loved and trusted my friends more than anything in the world, but my human family, who were strangers by comparison, if we're going by how long I've known them, got to see me in ways my friends never got to. Though… I wonder if that was because I spent practically all my time there as Miz or one of my other humanoid forms?
My friends mostly knew me as Bill Cipher. Miz and the others showed up now and then, but I don't spend time in those forms around them continuously. And Miz was a lot more honest than I was about how she felt. All I did as Bill was cry a lot.
...surprised I'm still yellow, if I had to be honest.
"...guess I'll go ask everyone if they want to take a vacation…" I actually liked the idea.
