Illusion is Reality

Chapter 136

-The Info you lack-

"Ok, I can do this." I took a few deep breaths and Blinked.

"Hiii Jessie!" I called out loudly while the Oracle was putting books away in the library (which I helped make the last time I was feeling bored.) To my disappointment, she didn't jump or scream or even drop a book. She simply said, "Hello Cipher." She didn't even turn to look at me.

Well, that's what I get for being Bill right now. She wasn't as cold to me as she used to be, but it wasn't quite friendly either. She couldn't afford to be. Not if there was a chance of people seeing it.

I knew this. But it still...

I looked around. There was no one around right now. Everyone was off in another wing of the temple. "No one's anywhere nearby," I told her. "So can we talk?"

Jheselbraum placed the last book away and turned to me. "What is it?" she did relax a little.

I floated over. "You like Miz more than me." I said bluntly.

Jheselbraum sighed. "You know it's a complicated situation."

"Why is it so different?" I floated over. "We're the same entity. And no one's here right not to witness anything. You won't tarnish your reputation."

"Because your behavior shifts, and Miz is easier to handle." Jheselbraum sat down on a nearby chair. "But while you're here, yes, we need to talk."

I sat down on the table across from her, absently kicking my legs.

"What are you up to?" the seven eyed woman asked bluntly. "Don't think I haven't noticed the way you've been going around with Tina and your little gang. I'm worried about what you're talking her into."

"I'm just helping Tina with her multiversal conquest." I shrugged.

"...that, that right there is what I'm worried about." Jheselbraum rubbed her face.

"Tina mentioned you wanted to talk to me about... my maturity?" I didn't really get what the topic really was.

The purple woman was quiet for a while. "Tell me, what has been going on in your life? You used to come and pester me for hours, telling me about what you've been doing. Now you barely come visit unless you're told to come, or you need something."

"Hey, I've been busy! And…" I flushed. "I mainly hung out with you because I wanted to be around someone, I just… have more people I can hang out with than just you now. I got my friends and a family now. And you don't like me being around all the time anyway."

She gazed at me with a calm expression. "You've been different." she pointed out. "What's really going on?"

"I don't understand what you're asking?"

"You've been quiet. Almost reserved. It's… not like you." she almost looked worried. "While I like the fact that you're not causing trouble, I can't help but feel something is wrong."

"I… just wanted to be a better person." why was everyone acting like there was something wrong with that? Like being obedient and quiet was a bad thing? Even though people have always told me to shut up, or to leave them alone, or to not cause trouble? And then, when I actually started doing that, they all got worried about me and told me that there's something wrong?

"What do you mean by better?" Jheselbraum frowned.

"Not killing people, not rampaging… being more obediant…"

"But why?"

"So the people that I actually like and want to be around won't decide they don't like me." humans were like that, weren't they? Brother's Zodiac didn't like me because I was dangerous and they had no way of controlling me. Seb understood what it means to be a demon and have a need for destruction, and Wanda accepted that it was part of us. But I didn't want to stress her out more than necessary. Especially after I realized how she and everyone else didn't really like the way brother was. I didn't want them to stop liking me too. They told me I was fine the way I was, but they also didn't want me to be like my brother. So I had to be better. I still didn't fully understand what 'better' was, but doing what they wanted was a start. Be a good daughter. And for mommy, that means no killing unless it's self defence. (Though I still couldn't help but kill… because I'm just… not good at doing what people tell me, not when I thought I knew better on something… I must be so frustrating for people to deal with since I never learned…)

I know she wouldn't know if I killed anyone on this side, but I should still try to tone myself down. And if that meant literally stamping down on my own Self, wants and desires, and doubling down on the stuff I've noticed people don't like, then so be it. (Even as a part of me refused this decision. Because part of me didn't want to be stamped down. The stubborn part of myself, that wanted to stay as I was and not listen to people…)

Lee doesn't like me talking about his personal/romantic life. That's easy to avoid once I understood, but that wasn't enough to have him want to be my friend. Wanda doesn't like a lot of things, but she was ok with bending the laws if they're something she finds stupid and unfair. That was also fine. I wasn't gonna go around committing tax fraud or anything.

But there was something else I noticed.

How most people didn't like when I let loose and had fun, because my idea of fun was horrifying to most people.

So I've been trying to figure out compromises. And giving myself the short end of the stick. And I didn't mind, because I had to be harsher on myself. That's just… how it was. Jheselbraum frowned as I tried to explain it to her. "All of that sounds like you're simply making yourself miserable on purpose." she pointed out.

...why did everyone say that?

I mean, yes. It sucks. But it wasn't like I was making myself miserable. I was just trying to enforce more self control on myself. Why was that so strange? Just because I'm the villain, doesn't mean I can't also be a better person. (Ok fine, I still wanted people to like me, even though I shouldn't be seeking validation from people who don't like me. I know this, but I can't help feeling the way I do.) I wanted to be liked. (And none of that did anything to stop the resentment inside me at the fact that the world didn't like me. And how unfair it all felt. Why shouldn't they adore me? Is it not within my right? I was one of the gods who helped create the entire multiverse! None of them would even exist without me!) But I know that being mad at everyone wasn't good. So I had to get more control of myself. Brother wanted me to have better control, as did everyone else. So why did people always get so worried when I actually wanted to try and control myself?

Apparently I asked that last part aloud, because Jheselbraum told me, "You're a creature of impulse, emotion and chaos. While I do like the idea of you learning more self control, and respecting that other people don't enjoy participating in your fun, I'm afraid of you getting so stressed and unhappy that you explode."

"Why does everyone think I'm going to explode?!" I threw my hands up with a huff.

"Because you are prone to exploding." she deadpanned.

...Just because that's true doesn't mean I do it all the time! Or that suppressing and stamping down my impulses was going to make me explode.

"I'm handling it. I'm taking breaks, since everyone says I need to. I got this." I kicked my feet, tired of everyone treating me like some condensed ball of nitrogen triiodide or something. Jheselbraum sighed. "From the way you're saying that, I'm assuming all your little troublemaker friends have already gone over this with you?"

"...yeah. Multiple times." I rolled my eye. "I've been fine for the past 70 billion years! Just 'cause I'm being all introspective and shit doesn't mean I'm suddenly going to break."

"..." Jheselbraum peered at me, leaning closer. "You're… riled up. Scrambled, somewhat."

"I've been rearranging my Mindscape, it happens."

"...if you are rearranging everything that makes you, you, it will make you unstable." she almost sounded worried about me. "Do you know what you want to be, once you're finished arranging yourself?"

"Just 'cause I don't know yet, doesn't mean I can't experiment." I huffed. Not that changing up my Mindscape really seemed to change Me, so far as I could tell? Eh… it was more likely that I just wouldn't notice even if it did.

Jheselbraum continued staring at me. Finally she smiled. "Well, for what it's worth, I think you're not absolutely an asshole." Did she really just admit that? And use the word 'asshole' as well? "Did you just swear?"

"No one's around right now. And you won't tell, will you?" that was definitely the faintest smirk on her face now. I cackled and nudged her shoulder. "You're so baaaaad~"

Jheselbraum sobered quickly and rolled her eyes. "Well, if you want some tips for what to go for in terms of rearranging yourself, I've got plenty to say. Suggestions only. I'm not implying you have to go along with any of them."

"...I'm almost afraid to ask, but go ahead."

And she went off on me about privacy, personal space (mentally speaking), learning to notice when people were uncomfortable with something, not making excuses defensively just because someone criticizes me...

Ok yes, I acknowledge that last one is a huge issue for me.

But also...

"...I don't want to stop going into people's dreams." I told her bluntly. "That's… my thing."

"Well, I suppose even the Great One still holds dominion over our Souls whether or not we want him to… so, that's an acceptable point." Jheselbraum nodded. "As a demon-god of the Mind, I will acknowledge that this is your dominion." she glanced away. "Well, I know you don't want to mess with people's Free Will anyway. That was the main point I was getting at."

"So you're not going to tell me that it's wrong for me to mess with dreams and such?"

Jheselbraum paused and frowned. "This, this thing here that you do, where you defensively ask again for clarification on something I just said. Why do you do that?"

I paused. "Is it bad that I do that?"

"Well it's very snippy. And rather annoying. But that's simply how I feel about it. But regardless, why do you do that?"

I fiddled with my bowtie. "I always want to make sure I'm not misunderstanding what you mean. What anyone means." I sighed. "I used to think I could understand, but I've made a lot of people really mad at me because I was misunderstanding what they wanted, so now I'm starting to question everything."

"Can't you simply feel their intentions to understand them?" Jheselbraum frowned.

"I was told that I shouldn't be feeling emotions or thoughts from people." Brother said so. And that Stanford was so upset by it too. And I don't think Lee liked it either.

Jheselbraum looked stunned. "But… isn't that… what you are? It's just as much a part of your Existence as your Dream abilities?"

I shrugged. "Yeah, but apparently it's bad for me to do that, since it affects me negatively or something."

Jheselbraum didn't back down. "And how do you personally feel about this? Who told you this?"

"A…" I paused. "A person I consider a big brother, told me this."

"You're avoiding my first question."

I looked away. "I mean… I'm… wholly myself now. No outside thoughts and feelings to influence me."

"...but you're still being influenced. You want to change yourself to be what you think other people will like. That's why you wanted to be 'better', correct?" Jheselbraum pointed out. "Which is fine, if that's what you want. But is that what you want?"

"I don't know." I relented. "I… like being able to think clearly. Well, as clearly as something like me can think, at least."

"I'm sensing a 'but' in there."

"Being wholly myself hurts." I admitted. "A lot of the stuff I've been… suppressing for eons are surfacing." My issues from when I was human, for one thing. Like I already hated myself, but my self loathing has gotten worse since I cleared my head. "And now I'm all confused about who I am. What I am. What I even want to be." my hands clenched around my knees.

"...You're afraid." she noted. I groaned. "I'm always afraid. I'm afraid of everything and everyone. I'm afraid of the people I love leaving me, I'm so afraid they'll stop liking me. I'm afraid of when they're going to die and disappear from my life. I'm afraid of losing them all..." I was scared of so many things it wasn't even funny. "I guess… part of me hopes that if I can change, then I won't be afraid anymore." but it wouldn't. I'll always be afraid.

There was silence for a while after my outburst.

"Bill…" she was using my first name now? I blinked up at her. "Do you… know why I was there that day? When they were choosing someone to become the AXOLOTL's high priestess?"

"...you wanted to be his high priestess." I shrugged. "I mean, you're one of his biggest fangirls, so of course you'd want to apply for the job."

Jheselbraum flushed a faint indigo. "I am not a fangirl, I am simply a devout."

"Suuuuuure~"

She managed to look dignified as she turned her head away. "I always wanted something I could devote my life to. I wanted a purpose." she closed her eyes. "And being his priestess would mean serving him for the rest of my life. It was the ultimate purpose." she took a deep breath. "My parents didn't want me to be a priestess." she admitted softly.

I paused. "Well, they were still honored that you were chosen." They seemed happy enough for her when the announcement was made.

"Of course they were. A literal god of all creation had picked me out of everyone else." Jheselbraum looked nostalgic for a moment. "Well, I know now that you were the one who chose me." she sounded a little annoyed. "But I got to meet the Great One because of you as well, so I suppose I can let that go." I let a giggle slip out. Jheselbraum even smiled at me before she sobered, her expression going slack. "But I had to leave my parents behind. I had to leave everyone behind."

My eye widened. Oh. Yeah. Right. That… that was a thing. I… didn't actually think about that. Her accepting the position would mean that she'd become immortal. She'd outlive her family, her friends. Everyone. She was the AXOLOTL's high priestess. She would continue to live up until he chose to free her from her duties. And I doubted Dad's lazy ass would even bother to do so. Because having to pick a new high priestess would just be too much work.

I felt all uncomfortable inside. Jheselbraum had lost everyone close to her. And I never thought about that. I was only ever thinking about myself and my own misery and-

Jheselbraum poked me. "Stop that. I don't want, or need, your pity. I knew what I was doing when I offered myself up. I knew what it all would mean. I knew I would be leaving everyone behind." she narrowed her eyes at me. "So don't you dare pity me."

"But-"

"Bill. I'm absolutely fine." she poked me again. "I made my choice." her expression softened. "I made my choice all on my own. I'm not like you. You..." she took a deep breath. "You didn't have a choice. And that's awful."

"...how do you stand it?" I reached out, curling my tiny fingers into her robes. "How did you… how are you not a mess over all this?" How could she still be so serene and… happy?

Jheselbraum looked down at where I was clutching onto her. "Are you asking because you want to take on my 'methods' for coping with this?"

"...not… that… exactly…" I whimpered.

"That's entirely what you're after." Jheselbraum sighed. She gently placed her hands along my sides and lifted me up. "Bill, what works for me won't work for you. Because you're not me."

"But I want someone to tell me what I can do."

"Bill, accepting the mortality of those around you and being able to move past it is something only you can figure out for yourself."

"Don't you have grief counseling here?" I complained. She sighed. "I comfort those who need to grieve. But that's not the same." she sighed. "Do you want to come for some comfort?" she asked.

I looked away. "Can't come unless you're alone or I'm Miz. And you've got a lot of work to do…" I muttered.

"You're being a brat." the Oracle put me back down. "It's one of the reasons I'm always so frustrated by you." I curled in on myself. "When you're upset, you take it out on everyone around you. It's why I can't trust you to be 'Bill' around my people. Miz does this too but at least she isn't as dangerous."

"I-"

"If you're going to make some excuse, I don't want to hear it." Jheselbraum poked me again. "You say you want to be better, but you don't even know what part of you is causing the problems you're complaining about."

"Then give me a list." I shot back.

"I'm not here for this." Jheselbraum got up, glaring now. "I'd tell you to figure it out yourself, but even after all these years, you haven't. I did want to talk about your behavior and why I don't like it, but I'm not here for this. Not when you're like this." she took a deep breath, her hackles lowering until she was calm once more. "Bill, I am worried about you. But I'm not qualified to help you. I'm biased." she admitted. "And with how fragile your emotional state currently is, I could so easily tell you whatever I want, to make you do and be what I want. But that isn't right. Not for you." she turned away. "You need to find someone who isn't biased. Someone who wouldn't have some personal desire for wanting you to be a certain way. Talk to them."

I was still feeling all riled up and upset, but part of what she said seemed to click with something in me.

Being told what I should be… wasn't fair. Jheselbraum was too involved with me, and worried about the safety of her followers to be a truly neutral influence.

...and it wasn't just her.

Pyronica and the others cared about me, but they were also biased. Xanthar just wants me to be happy and near him (which wasn't a problem, but it also meant he would want me to be someone who didn't travel as much, someone who would be perfectly happy to remain in place). Pyronica just wanted to have fun and enjoy life without responsibilities (she didn't care about what happened with the rest of the multiverse). Ammy… who the hell even knew what his motivations were? Teeth just wanted to do what he wanted, he could have been a neutral party if it weren't for how he generally agreed with the others when they made decisions. Kryptos wants to take over the multiverse due to his desire for power and security (he still wants Time Baby dead because he believes it would actually change anything). Hectorgon might be able to- but he's also fully on board with taking down the Federation (which I also was planning, but my idea is less 'taking down' so much as 'completely change it'). Keyhole always deferred to what Pyronica wanted. PaciFire… maybe? 8-Ball… maybe?

...brother always told me he wanted me to be myself. But he also disapproved of how I did things. He was incredibly biased.

And he also wanted to shape me into something he wanted.

I didn't really want to admit that at all. I hated thinking about that.

He's my brother, and he loved me. At least… I thought he did. I… I'm sure he did.

But I kept feeling upset and confused and I just didn't know what I even wanted anymore. So no, brother wasn't an unbiased source of help for anything concerning my Self.

What really sucked was how I feel like I used to know who I was, I used to be more confident in knowing who I was. But I don't seem to know anymore. I've lost it somewhere over the years...

PAin pain PaIn paiN PaIN

Another stake wretched out, tearing and ripping and yanking something out and away and torn asunder-

I clutched my head, my bricks vibrating with a low hum.

It took me a while to notice Jessie calling me. "-ill! Bill! BILL!"

I blinked. I looked around. Jheselbraum was holding her hands up, a barrier surrounding me, not close enough to set off claustrophobia but fully enclosing me away from her and the rest of the room. Her hands were trembling.

"Jessie?" I blinked again. She didn't put her hands down. "Turn into Miz, now." she intoned.

"What?"

"Bill, please." her voice was shaking as much as her hands were. I shifted, Miz plopped down on the table. I saw Jheselbraum remain tense for a few more moments before she finally straightened up and let out a slow breath. "Miz? How're you feeling?" she still hadn't taken down the barrier.

And it was now that I looked past her and around me to notice the library was… for lack of a better word, thrashed. There were books flung about everywhere, torn pages were still fluttering to the ground as I watched. I turned back to Jheselbraum and saw that part of her robes were torn.

"Did… did I do this?"

"Miz, how are you feeling?" she asked again.

I curled my hands into my dress. "I…" I felt… a little out of it. Detached. But mostly I just felt...

"I'm tired." I laid down on the table on my side and curled my legs up against my chest. My hands shook. "...did I hurt you?"

Jheselbraum narrowed her eyes at me for a moment before she relaxed and the barrier went down. "No, I am uninjured." she assured me. She sighed and sat back down in one of the chairs, facing me. "Miz, what was that?"

I curled up more, hiding my face against my knees.

"Do you remember what you were doing?"

I didn't respond.

She didn't say anything for a while.

I heard the rustle and clinking of her robes and crystals as she got up and walked over to me. "Nnno. Stay back. Please." I whimpered. She paused. "Miz. Are you alright?"

"No, don't worry about me! I just… I just lost control and I almost hurt you!" Dammit dammit dammit I thought I was getting better. I thought I stopped losing control like that! Dammit dammit dammit-

A hand came down on my head and began to gently stroke my hair. I sobbed. "Miz. You need help." she seemed to hesitate. "Bill needs help."

"What do I do?" I buried my face in my knees again.

Jheselbraum was quiet. "I would suggest you ask the AXOLOTL for help, but…" she sounded hesitant. "...something in me believes that wouldn't help." there was a clinking of crystals as she moved again, closer. "Do you know what that was?"

...I suspected, but I wanted to hear her thoughts on it. Did she even know what a flashback was? I shuddered. Stupid PTSD, stupid losing control just because I started panicking. Stupid… being afraid.

My head hurt. Everything hurt. I was aching with phantom pains, memories of bleeding out from hundreds of stab wounds all through my Self-

It sucked so much, having to remember and relive it, even in a goddam flashback.

...and as Brother would say, 'You did it to yourself.' Which I did. If I broke myself again… like that Stanford did, it would be my fault, for doing it to myself. I grit my teeth. Yet more proof that I was a stupid idiot for doing so. I should be able to just… not remember my trauma. But apparently I was still enough of an idiot to just… bring it all up again. I just didn't know what to do.

"I… lost control again." I whimpered. It hadn't happened for a while, I thought I'd grown past that.

"What do you need to help you with this?" Jheselbraum started petting me again. "Miz, I'm… worried about you."

"...I don't know…" Well, I had an idea… "I mean… there's… my therapist. I feel bad, she wants to help me help myself, but I never do all the stuff she tells me I should." like telling myself I'm awesome. I could fake the self praise sometimes, but it's been hard...

"Therapist?" Jheselbraum reached to take my chin and lifted my head to face her.

"In another dimensional set, I…" I paused. Did I ever tell Jessie about all this? My human family, my adoption… "I met some people who… wanted me…" Talking about the Pines helped me calm down, I even relaxed enough for Jheselbraum to pull me into her lap as I told her about all the fun things that went on with Seb and his family. "And now I'm helping Fordsie teach Max about all sorts of things! History, science, even social studies!" I kicked my legs, "And Fordsie's doing so well too! The Carbon Scrubber should be up and ready for field tests in a month or so…"

"It sounds like you're happy there." Jheselbraum said while holding me close. "And… your therapist… your mind healer, she is there too?"

"Yeah. But I don't visit her as much as I should."

"...is she helping you?"

"She's supposed to. And… I like her. She's nice."

Jheselbraum thought about it. "I'm happy about that. It seems they're good for you." she frowned. "But… it feels like you're worried about something?"

I stilled. I struggled a little, pushing myself off her lap and taking a few steps away. "It's…" I brought my hands in fiddle with the collar of my dress. "They're… mortal…"

Jheselbraum took in a slow breath. "I see." she got up and took a step towards me. I took a step back.

"That's why you wanted to know how I was able to handle losing those close to me?"

I nodded. "I want to keep them. But they don't want to be kept forever. They… they like being mortal." I scrunched up my dress under my hands. "And I'm going to lose them. Like I lost Pyrone, like Pynelope, like Quackers- like W-Will…" I shuddered. "I d-don't- I can't… I want to keep them. But I can't. I won't… trick o-or force them to be mine like I did with my Friends. That w-wasn't f-f-fair and it's not right-"

"No, it isn't." Jheselbraum took another step closer. I backed up again. "But that doesn't mean you're not allowed to feel that way. You love them, don't you?"

"Y-yes." I continued backing up, letting out a squeak when my back hit one of the bookshelves. "Miz, it's alright." Jheselbraum knelt down so she wasn't towering over me. "I'm fine. You didn't hurt anyone."

"I almost did! I-" My voice cracked. She placed both her hands on my cheeks, holding my face. "No violence here in my realm. I wouldn't have been hurt. The furniture and my clothes, sure, but I would have been fine. And I will be fine. Miz, look at me."

I sniffled. Her long fingers wiped at my tears. "Miz. I'm not angry. I'm unharmed. But I am worried, and a little afraid. That mind healer you mentioned, you need to go to her. I can handle you, but I know there are others who can't. And I know you'll be horrified if you lost control over those Pines people, or your friends."

I nodded, my lips were trembling and I couldn't say anything. It felt like my throat was closing up. Jheselbraum stared at me. I could feel the shifting of reality, something she could do because this was her dimension. Fully in her control. Even Time Baby couldn't interfere with anything here without her permission. (I could mess with stuff here, but that was because I was stronger than her, and I had an unfair advantage due to the fact that everything in the multiverse was created from my corpse) I watched the library repair itself. Jheselbraum's robe even stitched itself back together. "I am fine. And I want you to be fine." she gave me a calm smile. "If that mind healer can help you, I want you to see her more often."

"But it would take years for me to get better." I managed to whisper out through my throat.

Jheselbraum rolled her eyes. "Healing takes time. I know you're impatient, but you still need to start somewhere. And keep going at it." I opened my mouth and she huffed. "Yes, you need to do this. Do it." she narrowed her eyes at me. "If you really want me to tell you what to do, then go talk to your mind healer."

I closed my mouth. And then I nodded. Jheselbraum squeezed my cheeks. "You mentioned that you go over to the Pines while you're asleep. So sleep. Here."

My eyes widened. "Wha-"

"I said, you can sleep here. I will watch over you, and when you return, we can talk about how you're doing." she said matter of factly.

I couldn't really believe what I was hearing here. "What about my friends- or my work with Tina-"

"Miz," Jheselbraum deadpanned. "I have full control over this dimension. And I know for a fact that you can time travel. You won't be losing any time to do what you need to do. But that and this are not the issue." she smushed my cheeks again. "You said you wanted to get better. And while I don't know what sort of 'better' you're going for, I do know that you don't want to lose control of yourself anymore." she lowered her head to stare directly at me. "I can ensure no time passes while you do this. I want frequent updates about your condition and mental state."

I blinked. "Jessie, are you just using this as an excuse for keeping an eye on me somewhere you have more control, and stalling my multiversal domination plans?"

"That would be the smart thing to do." Jheselbraum rolled her eyes. "But no, actually…" she straightened. "The truth is… the AXOLOTL is worried about you."

I stared. Dad was...

And to my surprise, I saw Jheselbraum huff, looking almost petulant. "Whenever the Great One descends to speak with me, the topic always turns to you." she didn't sound… upset. Just… somewhat...

"Are you jealous?" I gasped. Jheselbraum pinched my cheek and pulled it a little.

"Nnnyahh!" I complained.

"I understand that my lord cares for you, and you're definitely a cause for worry." she complained. "And I'm saying this now, he didn't ask me to do this. But I figured I should take this time to try and help in my own way. I've already been wanting to get a better chance to really work with you." she let go of my cheek.

"I thought you didn't want anything to do with me, because of the reputation." I rubbed my face.

"I still don't quite know how to handle Bill Cipher. But I know that you're not inherently evil, despite being a demon. And I know you have the capacity to be good, I suppose I want to nurture that part of you." Jheselbraum sighed. "You're incredibly powerful, you have the capacity to do so much good in the world. You simply need to learn how." she placed a hand against her chest. "So why wouldn't I attempt to reform you?" she quirked her mouth into a faint smile. "Best of all, if you're willing to try and be better, well." she finished repairing the library. "A stable Bill Cipher. I would feel much better about the safety of everyone."

"I too, would feel much better about the safety of everyone." I muttered.

"Then we are in agreement?" Jheselbraum picked me up, I wrapped my hands around myself, still shaking a little. "I'm not trying to trap you here, I just want to be sure you're alright. Can I request that you come here, to me, when you go to sleep?"

"...can I bring Xanthar?"

Jheselbraum gave me a gentle smile. "Of course you can." her expression became serious. "Miz, Bill, you know that… as annoyed as I might have been with you when I was younger, things are…" she closed a few of her eyes. "If you ever need help, no matter what it is, you can come here. That is what I built this temple for. To help those who need it." she raised her hand up to continue petting my hair. "And that includes you. So please come to me if you need it. And, I know you're frustrated about having to 'be' Miz while you're here, so I was actually wondering…"

She looked hesitant.

"...if perhaps, since 'Bill Cipher' has been less of a menace lately, that perhaps we could say that he was coming here to reform himself…"

"I'm not gonna worship my dad." I complained. "You know that's what people are gonna think if I come here to get 'reformed'."

"Look," she said patiently. "Whether or not you were worshipping the AXOLOTL, the fact remains that if you honestly, sincerely want to be better, and publicly declare your intentions to do so, then you'd be allowed to come here as Bill without issue anymore."

"But that's super weird." I made a face. "Can't I just… publicly say that I'm just bored of being 'evil' or whatever? I mean, I'm not going to stop killing people if they attack me or those I care about."

She sighed. "You're really not going to stop killing people?"

"Only if my other options don't work." I huffed. "Besides, I still like eating meat."

Jheselbraum rolled her eyes at me. (I really have broken through her formality over the years.) "Non sapient plants and animals aren't the same thing as people."

"Still, living things that can think and feel are being killed for food. I still kill them for food. I still eat them." I pointed out. Jheselbraum sighed. "Your morality is very odd." she pointed out.

It made perfect sense to me. Animals and certain plants were still capable of thinking, feeling and even had Souls and Minds. So the fact that I would still kill and eat them was proof that I'm still a killer. And I'm not going to stop, because I still want to eat them.

"It doesn't matter. I'm a killer. I'm not going to stop being a killer." because killing animals was still killing. It would be incredibly stupid to not aknowledge that.

Jheselbraum didn't seem to agree, looking exasperated. "Killing for food isn't-"

"It is." I cut her off. It was the same. Killing was killing. After all, a human squashing a fly was not much different from a god squishing a human. Size wise and power wise. When you were larger than entire planets, the tiny people you kill are still people you kill. Same went for animals and even microbes. I killed so many microbes. I allowed some to live, but that was due to me finding use for them. How was that any different from humans deeming some animals useful and therefore not killing them?

Jheselbraum stroked my cheek with her thumb. "I'm not going to be able to convince you, am I?"

"Because I'm right." I huffed. And if other people wanted to disregard the way they killed living creatures because they didn't consider them to 'count' for some reason, that was their choice. I wasn't going to force people to consider everything they killed as a sign that they were a murderer. It was too stressful. Hell, I was stressed by this understanding of the bacterial genocide I've engaged in. I wasn't going to put other people through that if they didn't want it. So I didn't bother to continue explaining my point.

Jheselbraum carried me out of the library and back to my personal room in the temple. It wasn't anything special, it was the same as everyone else's. But it was still mine and I know Jessie didn't let anyone else use it while I wasn't here. I could see the other maidens watching us as we passed them. I saw the the curiosity in those who were new here, the mild jealousy of those who didn't fully know who (what) I was, and the reverence of those who did.

...ugh.

The door closed and I tugged on Jheselbraum's robe. "You need to stop showing me favoritism all the time. They're gonna be resentful."

"Being fair and treating everyone equally, without expressing particular care for certain ones, would mean that I did not care about anyone at all." Jheselbraum told me gently. "I have shown personal care for many of them, for different reasons and under different circumstances."

"Yeah, but you treat me extra special." I pouted. Which I enjoyed, but not if it made other people dislike me or begin to dislike Jessie. I refused to accept any of the shrine maidens disliking Jessie. They were allowed to stay here under her protections, they shouldn't be ungrateful and dislike her for being nice to me. Especially when she wasn't any worse to the rest of them because of it!

Jheselbraum gave me a patient look, "I can handle my own shrine maidens. I don't need you worrying over them, or me." she placed me on my bed. "Summon Xanthar if you wish. You will be staying the night here."

I wiggled my toes, staring at them while my hands laid in my lap, fiddling with my dress. "Wouldn't it be suspicious for 'Miz' to be together with Xanthar?"

"You're the one who wants him here." Jheselbraum patted my head. "Right?"

She was right. I can't sleep without him anyway. I closed my eyes and reached out, all the way to Iznang.

I saw Xanthar playing in a flower field. Queen was there as always. But Eclipsa was there too. And Globgar. And...

Meteora, tiny and sweet and so very fragile, was crawling around Xanthar's feet. For a moment, I panicked, afraid that he would hurt her. Not on purpose of course, Xanthar would never willingly harm a child, but he was so, so big and she was so, so small and-

-and I watched how carefully Xanthar was stepping. How slowly. How he would bring his legs up and down away from the child, nowhere near enough for any sort of stepping and squishing.

And I watched them play together. He seemed like he was having fun.

They all seemed so calm and happy.

I didn't want to drag him away from that, just because I needed to sleep.

I felt Jheselbraum begin to walk away and reached out my hand faster than I thought about it.

The words that slipped from my lips was also something I hadn't fully thought about.

"Stay."

Jheselbraum paused and turned back to me. I quickly let go. "Nevermind. I'm fine. Go do your work, or whatever you need to do."

I felt the cool hand rest on my head. "Do you want me to stay?" she asked.

"I'm fine."

"Learning to tell people what you want or need, when you need them, is also something that you need to do." she pointed out, even as she sat down beside my bed. I twitched.

"I'm serious Miz. Do you want me to stay with you?"

"I don't like sleeping alone."

She nodded, shifting to get more comfortable on the stone floor. I handed her one of my pillows, not quite looking at her. She accepted it with a gentle, "Thank you." and brushed my hair back. "So you're sleeping right now? That's why you want me to stay with you?" she asked.

I nodded. "I just thought… might as well get this done. Talking to my therapist and all."

"Your mental health isn't something to be rushed." Jheselbraum adjusted her seating. "If you want to go right now, you're free to do so. But don't feel like you need to get this done as fast as you can."

"I want to."

"Doesn't mean you should." she admonished. "Do you actually want to see your mind healer right now?"

I paused to actually think about it.

"...yes."

Jheselbraum gave me a long look, seeing if I was lying. I wasn't.

"Alright then." she said at last and I laid down on the bed, still holding onto her robe in one hand. She stroked my hair. "Good night Miz."

"You'll really stay? You won't leave me?"

"Of course I wouldn't." she assured me.

I snuggled deeper into the pillow and blankets. The hand running through my hair was so soothing. My eyelids grew heavy as I hummed a quiet lullaby to myself.

I still hadn't let go of her robe.