Illusion is Reality

Chapter 137

-But it's not easy-

I appeared near Seb, as per usual when using my Doors. I was in the Mindscape, and he was busy so he didn't notice me. That was fine. I was here for one reason today.

My therapist Linda.

I've been seeing her for months now, but not consistently. I know Seb used to see her weekly or something. But my sessions were more sporadic. Still, I checked if she was free (she was) and sent her a text, requesting a session later today. Or right now, if she wanted.

She said right now would be fine. So I grabbed my Miz vessel from my room and Blinked away. Leaving a little note telling Seb and mommy that I was going to see Linda. I almost popped right into her office, but I remembered that I was supposed to knock first, so I appeared in her waiting room, which didn't have cameras or anyone else there. At least, no other humans.

"Hi mister Lucy~" I waved a hand. Lucifer shuddered. "Don't call me that." I shrugged and walked over to the door and knocked.

"Who is it?"

"It's me." I called out and it opened to reveal Linda smiling at me. "Well hello Miz, how have you been?"

"Eh...not so good? I mean, I'm good some of the time, but like… I had a breakdown earlier and almost hurt someone, so I thought I should come talk to you."

Her expression stilled. "Oh my goodness, alright, come on in." and she stepped aside so I could go through. Lucifer strode over. "Linda, I need to-"

"I have an appointment with Miz right now. I'll talk to you afterwards."

"Linda this is important, I don't have time for your petty games." Lucifer (practically) whined.

I paused behind Linda, tilting my head back and Flickering for a moment. Then I sighed. "Chloe's unhappy because you and Eve make her jealous."

Lucifer and Linda blinked. He opened his mouth, "But Eve and I are- the detective is-" he paused. "It's complicated."

I strode forward, took the side of the door and closed it while deadpanning, "Then explain that to Chloe!"

I sighed. Damn romantic drama. "If Fordsie started hanging out with some other person, I wouldn't mind. He's free to do what he wants."

Linda twitched. "I don't think it's that… 'hanging out with' part that Chloe's unhappy with."

I stared at her. "Sexuals are so weird."

Linda snorted. "Indeed we are." she sobered. "What happened?"

I sighed, sitting on the couch and shifting my weight back and forth. "I… had a flashback to a traumatic event and I lost control of my powers. They like to lash out so I have to hold and grip them tightly at all times. They get more agitated when I'm stressed. And, if I'm too stressed or something, they slip out." Also sneezing and hiccuping make me lose focus, but I didn't want to tell her that. "So they started breaking things around me when I had my breakdown earlier. And I almost hurt my sister-"

"Zoe?!" Linda gasped. I was quick to reassure her, "No! It's my alien sister, Jessie. She's ok. She's the ruler of her own dimension, a goddess essentially, and I didn't hurt her. Luckily enough." Linda relaxed.

"You say they lash out and act up when you're under stress, are they… attempting to protect you?" Linda asked, not knowing much about magic aside from the stuff she's no doubt read online after learning of Lucifer and my true natures. I opened my mouth to deny it, and then paused. I thought about it. "I don't know. I doubt it. They don't really care what I think about any given situation."

"Well, can you… communicate with your powers?" Linda paused. "Why are they sentient, separate from you?"

I shrugged. "I dunno. They just… want to do their own thing. I have to really focus to get them to do what I want." which I spent several lifetimes worth of time practicing. "I don't know if I can communicate with them? It's… more of an internal feeling sort of thing. They don't talk. They just… want and crave and hunger. But they're affected by my mood, so when I'm happy, they're more on the silly side of things."

Linda frowned. "Those… are some very specific words you're using. They react with your moods?"

"Yeah." I rocked back and forth. "The problem is that I've been kinda stressed. I mean, I'm working on relaxing while I'm here, with my human family. But I'm also running my own company now, and with the state of the world getting worse and worse, it's been… a strain on me."

Linda frowned at the mention of the current state of the world. "Anyone would be stressed from this." she said gently. "And I know I've had days where I just want to lash out angrily as well, because of how unfair this all is."

I shrugged, not really looking at her.

Linda seemed to think for a moment. "I have a few questions and thought exercises for you." she also reached behind her into a box and pulled out… one of those bead maze toys. The ones where you slide a bunch of blocks along a twisty wire. And it had different activities along the sides of the large box-like base the maze sat on top of, like moving the wooden colored shapes along the different paths, and even an abacus looking thing with more colored beads. I loved those things when I was a kid. She placed it in front of me. "Also, feel free to play with this as we talk if you want to."

Click clack these blocks don't stack

I paused, reaching for it. "Can I really?"

"Of course." Linda smiled.

I immediately sought out the colored blocks, moving them all so that each color was grouped together with their own colors. It looked neater that way.

"Miz, what sorts of things do your powers do, and what sorts of moods are you in when they do them?" Linda asked while I click clacked the wooden beads along the maze.

"When I'm calm and I let go, they tend to twist the things around me." I said, moving a whole family of blocks to their new home on the other side of the maze, pushing them up through a loop de loop. "Like messing with their molecular structure or DNA." I moved some blocks one at a time, savoring the way they slid along up and down and around. "Like mutations and such. But people don't like it when they spontaneously mutate just from being around me." I muttered. "I mean, I change them back to normal afterwards, when I have control back. But they're still upset that it happened in the first place, even when I didn't do it on purpose."

I couldn't really see Linda from where I was, but she said, "Well, yes. Most people find unasked for mutations to be… not good. It's a violation of their physical bodies."

"I know that." I huffed. "But it wasn't my fault, well, I mean, technically it was, I should have been controlling myself better."

"I'm not blaming you." Linda said gently. "I notice you're very defensive, you seem to think everything is a criticism against you. Am I picking this up right? Again, not blaming you, merely pointing it out as something we can work on." I tensed, but when she remained calm and didn't seem to be mad at me, I relaxed and nodded. "Is it bad to be defensive?"

"On its own, no. It's a self defense mechanism, which… is a whole other thing to address later. But defaulting to it too often would cause problems. It makes people think that you're refusing to acknowledge your own fault, however small, in something. Like making excuses." she looked a little more serious, "Or deflecting blame. Which isn't very nice."

I twitched again. "Mister Stan's said something like that before." I wiggled in place. "I… should stop doing that?" Linda nodded and I continued, "...because it means I'm trying to avoid taking responsibility for the things I do, regardless of my intentions?" Linda smiled. "It's good that you understand why it's not a good thing."

"Of course!" I shrugged. "I've seen this kinda thing in anime before. And read about it. And I'm self aware enough to know when I'm doing it. Even if I don't know how to stop, or still feel like doing it." Linda blinked. I turned the box around to play with one of the other sides. "I know it's not good to do what I do. And I still do it anyway, it's why I know I'm not a good person." Linda winced. "Everyone has flaws, and you're here because you wish to change that part of yourself, aren't you?" I paused before nodding. "And that means, no down talking yourself." I huffed. Yeah, I knew that. Didn't stop me from doing it. Though a part of me was a little annoyed at what a big deal people made of me shapeshifting people. What was wrong with messing with people's DNA anyway? It's a much better alternative to anything else I could do to someone.

It's not like they're dead. Or even in pain most of the time. If I'm calm and happy, the mutations don't hurt them. "...They don't generally hurt when they're shapeshifted, when I'm calm, or happy… though being sad doesn't hurt other people either. Or when I'm so happy I start crying?" I admitted. I was thinking about Pyrone and Pynelope's graduation ceremony. I was so proud and couldn't help sobbing through the whole thing. It felt like so long ago…

...and those people didn't feel any pain even as they melted. I fixed them! They were fine afterward. And lots of species can shapeshift anyway, and there were so many forms of magic or technology that could transform people. And- I was making excuses again, wasn't I?

"So… random non-painful mutations when you're calm or happy. And when you're angry?"

"People tend to die when I'm angry." I told her pretty easily. "The first time that happened was when I met with the first sapient lifeforms and one of them threw a rock at me." I shivered, flicking one of the blocks faster. "The next thing I knew, he was a smoldering charred corpse."

Linda twitched out the corner of my eye. But she calmed herself with the sort of self control I envied. "Well, seeing as that person threw a rock at you, my theory of your powers reacting in self defense just got one point."

I shrugged. "I can't die. They have nothing to worry about. They shouldn't be doing this anyway."

"But the fact that they do is something to think about." Linda breathed out. "Also, even if you can't die, talking like that is putting yourself down. You matter. Even if you can't die, you can still hurt. And if your powers wanted to protect you, I don't believe that's an inherently bad thing." she quickly added, "Not that I know much about magic, so take what I say with a grain of salt." she shifted, getting up from her seat to kneel beside me. "Talking down on your own health and safety is self sabotage. And it's not healthy."

"...I know…" I clicked some more blocks from one side to the other.

"I'm not criticizing you. I'm pointing it out so you can recognize it when it happens."

I shrugged. "Miz, you're awesome." Linda said.

"I'm awesome." I repeated, because that's what I'm supposed to say. Linda smiled at that. "Have you been saying that to yourself everyday?"

My guilty expression must have answered for me. Linda chuckled and shifted to get more comfortable beside me. "That's fine. Come on, let's say it a few times right now."

So we ended up repeating "I/You am/are awesome." a few times. It was very uncomfortable. It just felt so weird. Linda said that feeling somewhat uncomfortable meant it was probably sinking in, and I was just having trouble accepting it sincerely. I just couldn't bring myself to believe it.

"So," Linda was playing with another side of the toy (she said that she read something about engagement with children and figured she'd try it out with me to see how I felt about it. I suspected she was actually using me as an excuse to practice interaction with children, what with her pregnancy and all.) "To summarize, your powers react to your mood, twisting reality around you in either harmless, though disturbing, ways when you're calm or happy… to violent and dangerous when you're angry or upset. And you're worried about hurting the people you care about when you lose control while upset." I nodded. "How do I not have my flashbacks anymore?"

Linda took a deep breath. "There's no way to fully make them stop." she told me. "Well, not for humans. It's…" she paused to collect her thoughts. "Humans can't control their emotions. And from what I'm hearing, neither can you. And that means that you're going to feel upset when you feel upset. And whatever trauma you experienced still hurts you, if you're having flashbacks."

"PTSD sucks." I muttered. Linda held back a snort. "That it does. Now, I know your situation is more… unique. But we can try some exercises to try and mitigate some of the effects." she gave me a small smile. "We can go through the steps together, and you can teach your parents or your other family and friends about it, so they can help you out when you're having an episode."

"What do I need to do?" I turned to fully face her.

"Breath deeply-"

"I don't need to breathe, and can't actually breathe, in some of my forms."

Linda stared. "...ok. Well… breathing slowly and deeply helps." I nodded. "I can try?"

"Next, you need to tell yourself, repeat to yourself, 'This isn't real. These are just memories. I am safe. I am not there anymore. This isn't real.' or other things like that. You could also pick some anchor in the present to help you focus, to pull yourself out." Linda said next.

I nodded.

"If you're afraid you'll be dangerous to those around you, get out of there. In fact, keep moving. Move around, jump or run if you need to." She added next. "Find some physical task to do, or just move your body around. It helps, in humans." she added on, as a sort of disclaimer.

I nodded again.

"Now, I might be telling you what to do, but I am not you. I don't know for sure what would work with you. So you may need to try out all sorts of exercises and methods for handling and coming down from your episodes." she raised a finger, extending her hand towards me, slowly enough that I could get out of the way if I didn't want her to touch me.

I didn't move. I did watch her closely. And she seemed to be taking note of something as she observed me.

She poked me on my nose, very lightly. I couldn't help but let out a giggle. Linda seemed to relax at that. "Self care will actually help with lessening your episodes. The better you take care of your health, both physically and mentally, the better your emotional state will be."

I nodded, rubbing my nose. "I just don't know why I'm still so… messed up about this. It was eons ago. I should be over it-"

"There is no 'should' here." Linda told me. "Your feelings are your feelings. You were hurt. You're still hurt. It's not your fault and you are not to blame for your pain."

That made me remember something I'd read on my blog. The idea that I'm not to blame for what I suffered through. I still couldn't quite believe it. It was my fault for being stupid. But… I suppose… it was also other people's faults for hurting me. But I did share blame, I did! When that stupid brain summoned and bound me- I should have checked first- I should have-

Linda moved to poke me again, moving slowly and deliberately. I snapped out of my thoughts to focus on her again. She very gently poked my nose. "...why are you doing that?"

She pulled away, settling back down in her seat. "I'm testing something." she raised an eyebrow. "Also, you had an expression like you were putting yourself down again."

"Shit." I grumbled. I used to be good at holding a poker face. "I was just… thinking about the guy who caught me in a binding circle. T-that is the… the event that I was flashbacking to before."

Linda looked worried. "...are you… alright?"

I shrugged. "I'm fine. Sort of. I can talk about what happened. I just need to avoid thinking about w-what happened during it…" I took a few breaths. "Do you want to hear about it?"

"Not unless you are fully comfortable with talking about it." Linda was very straightforward. "If it hurts, stop right away."

"It's not even just that asshole who bound me." I shook my head. "There were more people who've hurt me. But that's not even…" I sighed.

"I think a lot of the blocks that are stopping me from actually healing, are the fact that I don't believe I can be better, and how I feel like I deserve to suffer." I said slowly.

Linda nodded. "I noticed. You don't deserve to suffer. You have a right to be healthy and happy just like the rest of us."

"...but what if I don't? I'm…" I curled in on myself. "I kill people. I torture people. I violate people. I manipulate and cheat and steal an-and do all sorts of awful things to people." I confessed. "And I'm not going to stop. Because I feel like I'm right. Because I think my ideas are better than other people." I didn't accept the suggestions my brother gave me, even though they were efficient and accurate. I still didn't feel right about some of them. Because I thought I knew better than him. And wasn't that awful of me?

"..." Linda took a deep breath. "Ok… that… still doesn't mean you don't have a right to be happy and healthy." she paused. "Also, I'm very sure you're not as bad as you seem to think you are." she rolled her eyes. "Then again, I'm also treating the damn Devil so…" I snorted at that. "Yeah but, Lucy's a woobie. So he gets a pass. Also, Yahweh was very unfair towards him. I'm not saying that excuses the shit he's done, but Lucy's-"

"So the literal DEVIL is allowed to be happy, and yet you aren't?" Linda said slowly. "You do realize how unfair towards you that is." I huffed. "My crimes are-"

"And why do you deserve to suffer because of them?" Linda asked gently.

"Because I need to be punished!" I clenched my fists. "Because it's not just that I've done bad in the past, I'm still doing bad things now. And I'm going to keep on doing them." Sure, I was learning boundaries and such, but I was only being a 'good' girl while I was here. Once my human family was gone, I was going right back to doing what I always did. Because they wouldn't be there to stop me anymore.

"Miz, that's not true." Linda sounded so patient. How did she do it? "You said it yourself. The things you choose to do are because you feel them to be right. Even if other people think it's wrong, your own feelings are important. You feel your way is better, yes? Doesn't that mean you're trying to make things better in your own way?"

"Well, yeah. But my way is bad."

"According to who?"

"Lots of people." I grumbled. Linda shook her head. "Regardless, you do what you do because you want to help, right? You're trying to do good, right? Even if your methods are… unconventional..."

She reached out to me again. I watched as she put her hand gently on my head. "Miz, repeat after me, I also deserve to be happy."

"I also deserve to be happy."

"I don't deserve to suffer."

"I… don't deserve to suffer." I twitched. I felt guilty. Like I was only bringing up how badly I felt about myself to make Linda comfort me. Like I was talking about how much I hated myself just so she can tell me that I shouldn't. Just so she could tell me that I was a good person, to make me feel better. And it was awful of me to do this.

Linda gave me a level look. "Miz." I hunched into myself. "What are you thinking right now?"

"...honest answer, or?" ("Honest, please.")

"I'm using you to make me feel better by having you say comforting things that I want to hear because I want sympathy, and that's manipulative of me."

Linda nodded. "Well, yes." I wilted. "But the fact that you're doing that in the first place is because you're hurting inside and you seek comfort. So what's wrong with having me help comfort you?"

"But isn't that… bad?"

"No. Wanting sympathy isn't a bad thing. Wanting positive attention and comfort isn't a bad thing. Even I want comfort. Everyone does. There's nothing strange or wrong about that."

"...but isn't it really… bratty to want attention? Or to say things that I know will get me sympathetic responses? O-or to throw tantrums to get people to do what I want?"

"Throwing a tantrum isn't the best. But the feelings behind it, your reasons for doing so, are still based on the fact that you're lacking something you emotionally need. And wanting to fill an absence of something, isn't wrong." she continued petting me. "It's like how you crave physical affection and touch. It's something you need, and so your want to get it isn't wrong. And you need sympathy, understanding, empathy from others. Everyone needs that. That's what you crave." I leaned into her hand. "In and of itself, that's not a bad thing. It says more about how much your formative years neglected to give you the understanding, sympathy and affection that you need."

"...my human ones or my alien ones?"

"Both, if what I know of your past so far means anything." Linda deadpanned. "You crave the things you're lacking. And from what you've said, both about your childhood, and your admittance to throwing tantrums for attention, I'm guessing that throwing a tantrum, and hurting yourself, were some of the few ways you were able to gain the attention you wanted?" I flinched. Linda nodded. "And it taught you that hurting yourself or throwing a tantrum were the only ways to get that attention. This… is bad. You need to unlearn this."

I groaned. "I have so much I need to unlearn."

"It's a lot, yes. But I believe you can do it."

"But it's so annoying…"

Linda snorted. "Tedious, annoying, maybe. But you can work on this little by little. So that you won't hurt yourself anymore."

"...and what if hurting myself IS the only way to get what I want?"

"Find another way. Or go to someone else to get what you need. If you need affection from someone, and they aren't willing to give it to you without you hurting yourself first, then that's not the sort of person you want in your life." Linda told me firmly. "Anyone who cares about you would listen when you tell them of your wants and needs, and at least attempt to help you." She paused before adding, "And they wouldn't need to see you hurting before they want to help you." She moved her hand away. "Hurting yourself might get some sympathy and attention, but it's not the right kind. It's not sustainable. And anyone who would only want to help if you were hurt, and wouldn't help when you're healthy, isn't someone who cared enough about YOU to truly help you at all." She reiterated. "Do you understand?"

I nodded slowly. Linda lifted her hand again, and I watched her once again place it on my head. "...what are you testing out?"

"Your parents told me that head pats calm you down, that they comfort you." She said, resting her hand on me without moving it. "Now normally, I'm not supposed to touch my clients, but there are exceptions. And I'm using this chance to see how you respond to it."

"...am I doing it right? How am I supposed to respond to it?"

Linda let out a sigh. "It's not about you doing right or wrong. The way you choose to respond to it is up to you. There's no right way of doing it." She looked to be in thought.

"You're always asking if you're doing things right or not." She noted, and her eyes widened, like she realized something. "Miz," she said gently, "Are you unsure how you're supposed to respond to any given situation?"

"Well, yeah?" I shrugged. "People get mad if I don't react the 'right' way. If I don't care about their opinions, I just do what I want. But I don't know what I'm supposed to do here."

"And how do you know what the 'right' way is?"

"I see other people do it, so I do what they do. Or I've read about it, or seen it in a show." I shrugged. I learned a lot about how I'm supposed to do stuff from anime. "I don't always get it right, and my friends don't mind me being wrong, so I've sort of been slipping, and getting worse at behaving the right way."

That seemed to make something click with her. Linda gently pet my head. "So how would you describe the way you act around strangers, that you want to be on friendly terms with?"

"Well, I could scan their life and history, see what their responses to various stimuli are, and then act accordingly to make them like me." I blinked. "Without compromising what I would want to do, like if someone likes people who are meek and subservient, I'm not gonna pretend to be that, unless I'm trying to trick them…"

"But the point is, you're acting. Performing in a way to get the response you want?"

"...is that bad?"

"Well, some would call that manipulation. But in your case, I think it's something else." Linda stopped moving her hand. "In your case, I think you're doing it as a defense mechanism. Though, this could easily become problematic if you use it to manipulate people into doing things they don't want to."

"...is getting Zoe to eat her veggies included in that?"

"...no. That's fine. I mean as in… getting someone to do something against their own morals, or hurting someone. You mentioned that you have manipulated people, yes?"

I nodded. "I get summoned to do Deals with criminals all the time. Sometimes I have to trick and twist their words around because I don't want to give them what they want."

"...ok…." Linda said slowly. "That would have to be a case by case for me to figure out if that's a good manipulation or bad, depending on what they wanted- anyway that's something to be shelved for now." She looked like she was going to have a headache.

"The point I was trying to get to is that I'm very sure you're neurodivergent, like Sebastian. And I know you're not human, but you tick a lot of boxes here, and I don't know anything about aliens, so I can only treat you as if you were human. And from what I've learned from our sessions, I've been leaning towards ASD." She seemed to realize something and quickly added, "I don't know for certain yet, and for a while I wasn't sure if you might be ADHD like Sebastian, but I'm getting a very strong feeling that you're somewhere on the spectrum." She hesitated. "I would need to run more tests, and I hadn't wanted to tell you until I was sure, but some of the things you mentioned…"

She straightened. "Miz, would you be alright with taking a series of tests? Now, I'm still going to be here to help you with your PTSD, but I am definitely not qualified to give you the behavioral therapy for ASD. Even with Sebastian..." She trailed off. "I researched it. Because I wanted to help him. And I've been reading up on ASD as well, but I am not qualified for this." She gave me a serious look, "Even so, I want to be able to help you. The decision is yours, both to take the tests for a proper diagnosis, and whether you'd want to get a professional in this field to help you."

I was listening to her, but I was also stuck with a memory. From when I was human, a conversation I heard by chance.

"My… my human mom… She…" I curled my hands into the fabric of my shirt. "I remember I once heard her talking to one of her friends on the phone. I didn't really understand all the words… but she said something about how there was something wrong with my head…"

Linda winced. "There's nothing wrong with- its different, yes. But it's not… Wrong or bad. It would just require work and-"

"Mom used to take me to a behavioral therapist when I was a child." I realized. "I never really thought about why. I mean, I know some of my teachers complained about me, but if I was on the spectrum, that makes so much sense!" I groaned. Wow. I'm such an idiot for never noticing.

I groaned again, slumping over to lean against the couch. "I'm definitely some sort of disorder." I grumbled.

"Nothing wrong with that." Linda assured me. "Would you say there's anything wrong with Sebastian?"

"No. He's a sweetheart." I defended him immediately. Linda laughed. "And so are you. There's nothing wrong with you. You're just different." She sobered, "Well, even if you are ASD, identifying it is just the first step." She sat back. "What I had been trying to say, is that you're showing signs of social camouflaging."

I blinked at her.

"You probably started doing that back when you were human. Based on some of the things you've told me about your childhood." Linda continued. "You mentioned you were bullied when you were younger, that the other kids called you weird."

I shrugged. "Yeah, I couldn't help wanting and doing the things I wanted to do. I tried stifling it, but I was never really good at that."

"That's fine. You shouldn't have to stifle yourself for others' sake." Linda assured me. "But the fact that you do it is a sign that you've learned to do so. Which, according to my research, lots of ASD people do. They learn to mimic the behaviour of the people around them, in order to not stand out and be bullied."

I wiggled in place. Mimicking. That… Struck a chord with me. "...that was mostly around elementary and middle school. When I followed the crowd and did what the other kids did. I started to give up trying all that hard around high school cause I didn't really care about wanting to be friends with all my classmates anymore. And I dropped it almost entirely in college. If people wanted to be my friend, then they would. Otherwise I didn't care." I paused. "But then I started working, and I had to limit what parts of myself I allowed people to see." Linda nodded at that. "...though, like I said, I was never good at really hiding my weirdness." Like that time at work when I found a really big box and started Solid Snake-ing around the store. I couldn't help myself. I admitted that to Linda.

Linda laughed. "I don't quite get the reference, but I get the gist. And that's actually a good thing. It's good that you didn't fully mask your true personality. You're weird. That's great. You shouldn't have to hide that."

"Is masking bad?"

"Not on its own. But it's stressful in its own way. Miz, you went through a lot of terrible things as a child, and you developed your own way of protecting yourself. And in that time you've learned a lot of habits, both good and bad." Linda took a deep breath. "I think we need to have our sessions more often, and consistently."

I wanted to say that would take too much time I could be spending on working on stuff, but I knew she was right. I was just making excuses. "...how often?"

"I think once a week would be good." Linda nodded. "And I think we should have a general chat about how your week has been. Talking about only heavy topics is straining."

"...right now?" I blinked.

"If you want." Linda shrugged.

"I think I'm good actually." I let out a sheepish laugh. "I kinda told you what I've been doing lately already." I tilted my head at her.

"...I feel like you actually want to ask me something?" It was just a hunch, from the way she was shifting her weight around.

Linda rubbed her belly. "Ok, this is a little off topic, but… Miz…" she sighed. "You've got, some sort of reality bending powers and such, with your abilities rivaling God himself..."

"Yup. I could kick his ass if I wanted to." I shrugged. Linda huffed, "That sounds so blasphemous, but what the heck even is my life anymore…" she quickly gathered herself. "Well, do you know what's going to happen with… my baby?"

"He's healthy." I told her. "Strong soul, stable molecular connections. Dunno how his powers from his angel half are gonna manifest, if they even do."

Linda relaxed a little. "Alright. Sorry for putting my personal life into your session." I gave her a gentle smile. "It's fine. The baby is important. And if I can help in any way, just tell me."

"Yes, but we need to refocus on you." Linda reminded me. "I have been trying to figure out how to help you. I know you're not human. But neither is Lucifer or Maze, and they seem more human than other people I've met sometimes." she gave me a reassuring smile, "As do you."

I huffed. "That's only because I haven't told you about all the horrible stuff I've done in detail, or how much of a terrible person I am-"

"None of that now. We talked about this." Linda reminded me. "My place isn't to judge. I'm here to listen and talk and help. Besides, again, I treat the Devil himself you know." Linda wiggled her fingers at me. "The fact that you're even here in the first place means you aren't entirely terrible. And no, I'm not just saying that." she brought her fingers together and put her hands back on the table. "I'm not saying you're some kind of saint. But you're not the worst person I've met, not even in the top hundred. So… what I'm saying is, you're too hard on yourself."

"...I know."

"Miz, there's something else bothering you. Beyond just your powers slipping out of your control. Or your self hatred." she pointed out. I twitched. "Miz, you don't have to tell me if you don't want to." she even sat back, more comfortably.

I scrunched up my lips, fiddling with the blocks and not looking at her. I didn't really want to talk about it. But this was something important. And it was a big thing that was fucking me up inside right now. "I'm afraid that my human family won't love me anymore, once I've figured out who the 'real' me is and they don't like who that turns out to be."

Linda paused. "Miz, they love you for you."

"Maybe the 'me' right now. But if I heal, and repair myself… I'll become someone different, won't I?"

Linda was calm as she regarded me. "Miz, everyone's always changing. The person you are today isn't the same one you were yesterday. That's perfectly normal."

I huffed. "I guess." I wiggled, "I know my brother always says he doesn't change, and refuses to change. And maybe he could do that way back when… but he changes too, now. So… it's not… a bad thing, I guess. To change." Linda sighed. "You don't have to base everything you do off of what your brother would say or do." she didn't seem accusatory, but I still bristled a little.

"But he's…" I trailed off. I couldn't help a small bit of resentment at the reminder of all the things my brother told me, and how… hypocritical they seemed in retrospect once I had some time and distance to think them over. And I hated myself for that. Brother truly believed he was right, I shouldn't be angry just because he's not always right. Or aware that he's wrong.

...nor should I be angry about how I still haven't been able to contact him. By this point, there was a niggling feeling that maybe he was avoiding me for some reason. And I stamped that thought down and away. Brother wouldn't do that. He loves me.

But I did essentially tell him not to hang out with the Pines here, since they didn't like him…

And I couldn't help but think that he got the wrong idea, and thought I didn't want him around.

But he was the one who told me I could come over and visit whenever I wanted, but then turned right around and told me that I couldn't come over because of 'Ford. And he told me he would contact me once it was safe for me to come over, and he didn't do that at all! He just came over to my 'set without any head's up (I mean, I didn't mind, it was a nice surprise). Or when he told me that I could be whatever I wanted to be, and do whatever I wanted, and then he disapproved of everything I wanted and did-

"Miz? You seem angry." I blinked, realizing my eyes were burning.

I scrubbed at my face with my sleeves. "I'm fine."

"What were you thinking about?" Linda asked gently.

"I shouldn't be mad at him. It's not his fault."

Linda took my subject jump in stride. "Who shouldn't you be mad at?"

"...my brother…"

"Blue?"

I nodded, still not looking at her. "Well, everyone gets mad. And getting mad at your siblings is perfectly normal sometimes. Not everything can be perfect all the time. What are you angry about?"

"He keeps telling me one thing and then goes on and tells me to do the opposite! It was fine, I was obedient, I didn't go over to his side, even when I wanted to, but it's more than just that! He-" I was shaking now. "He's not lying to me, but he keeps changing up what he wants me to do and I don't know what I'm supposed to-"

"You don't have to do what he tells you to do, if you don't want to do it." Linda pointed out. I shut my mouth and curled my hands into my lap, glaring down at them. "What are the things he's been telling you, that are making you upset?"

"I don't function the same way he does!" I blurted out. "I'm similar, yes. We share a lot of traits. But I'm Bill Cipher! That's- that's just to be expected! I share some traits with Sebastion too!" I tugged at my dress, pulling it down and in different directions. "But my 'set isn't a game. And neither is this one! Things don't work the same way! People don't work the same way-" I pulled my hands up to my face again, digging my fingers into it. "And he told me that I could be whatever and whoever I want! But whenever I did something he didn't agree with- he just-" I hissed through my teeth. It was like something unfurled inside me. Something I was holding tight and hidden deep and away. Something I just didn't want to think about.

Because I loved my brother. And I didn't want to feel this way about him.

Because he believed I would start to hate him like everyone else did. I didn't want to be anything like everyone else. I knew what it felt like to have people hate me. I didn't want to do something like that to him. Not when we loved each other. Not when we found each other. Not when being around him made me feel like I was finally with someone who could give me some direction in life- (Even if I didn't agree with his ideas of what to do. Even if I didn't want to become more like him, he's an asshole, I knew that. But he was kind to me. But sometimes his kindness made me feel bad, and I'm sure it was just because I wasn't smart enough to understand what he meant, and that's why I keep hurting myself- why my feelings continued to be hurt whenever I thought too hard about what he said or did or-) But I still couldn't contact him, and the uncomfortable feeling of unasked questions and confusion and frustration and resentment was just growing and growing the longer I spent without any way to get this out of me.

"I'm Bill Cipher! I have a role to play, a plot to do!" I practically wailed. "But what am I supposed to do? I can't be like Blue. I just can't. And Sebastian's changed too much from Canon to be a role model of what I'm supposed to be-"

Linda stared. "I'm… lost right now."

"Am I supposed to follow Canon or not? I don't even know if I want to follow Canon or not! But what if I change things and it fucks everything up? I want Gravity Falls to happen! I want Mabel and Dipper and everyone else- they're the main characters! What would happen if I messed things up so much that they don't happen?!" I was completely off topic now. But there it was, the root of my issues. Half the reason why I wanted so badly to learn from Blue was so I could play my part 'correctly'.

"Canon? Characters?" Linda frowned. "Miz, what are you talking about?"

"I still can't help but feel like I don't belong." I admitted. "I've been putting on a show of being Bill Cipher based on what I understand, but I can't… I can't do it anymore. I don't want to do it anymore."

...that was the problem. The problem from which everything else grew.

"I want to be me." I felt my eyes burning again, and this time the feeling was accompanied by the warm trickling of tears down my cheeks. "I don't want to be that kind of 'Bill' anymore. I don't want to be broken. I don't want to be hated. I don't want to be the bad guy."

But that was selfish.

If I wasn't Bill, then what was going to happen to the plot?

"Being the villain's fine." I sniffled, finally turning to Linda. "Sometimes the villain's right. But I don't want to be the bad guy anymore. It's not fun. I don't want to make people upset anymore." but I couldn't not be Bill. The universe needed Bill Cipher. He was important. And I'm still Bill. All my other names and identities were just side personas. I'm still Bill Cipher.

But I wanted to be me again. Even if I don't fully know who I was anymore, who I had been before all this. But Zyun-Jan knew who she was. She was confident in her sense of self. I knew that much.

And I wanted that.

I wanted to be able to know who I am and be confident in being happy about the person I was.

Zyun-Jan was strong. She had to be, to have survived Flatland. To have still been strong enough to fight against it. To have the self confidence to continue being herself and refuse to break.

Up until everything broke and burned, and she died a second time.

The me right now… if I was back in Flatland, without any power, without anyone on my side, with everyone hurting me and hating me and using me… I wouldn't be able to handle it. I'd break down, cave and give in and just obey what they all told me to do- because I was weak. I was too broken to be as resilient as I once was-

All the power in the world, and I was still weaker than the human girl I'd once been.

I knew I was breaking more and more over the years, but I hadn't thought about how bad it'd gotten. I hadn't noticed until my mental state just took a fucking nosedive into what had to be some kind of depression and I hadn't even noticed it until I started trying to pull myself back up and noticed just how far down I was.

And sure, Zyun-Jan had her weak moments too, fuck, she/I've had suicidal thoughts since I was 12 for fuck's sake-

But she never gave into it. Even if sometimes she'd hurt herself. But me?

I'm always hurting myself. Physically, emotionally- And… I didn't want to do that anymore. I wanted to be whole again.

But that would mean I wouldn't be 'Bill Cipher'. Not the one that needed to exist. The one Ax expected. The one I should have been. If Zyun-Jan hadn't ended up here for some stupid reason.

All these thoughts raced through my head, one after the other, wildly jumping all over the place. But I was here now. And nothing made sense. The multiverse still hated and loathed me as if I were the demon himself. Even when I did nothing wrong. And it wasn't fair.

"What does any of this have to do with… anything?" Linda's question brought me back. I blinked. "What?"

"What…" Linda took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "Miz, I don't understand what you're talking about. What do you mean by…" she waved her hands. "Any of this?"

"The plot." I told her. "Brother's 'set is a Game. But it's also a different story, it isn't Canon, even if it's real and he's real and his whole dimensional set is real! And I'm pretty sure Seb's is some kind of fanfic, because it definitely isn't Canon, doesn't follow it at all, even if the points match up- and I've seen the other fanfiction worlds in my Void of Doors, they're real. They're all real. And they're all stories and I'm sure even my 'set is a…"

I blinked slowly. And something seemed to 'click' inside me. I felt a little light-headed, I couldn't really focus. My mouth opened and I felt my energy burning through me as I spoke words I didn't plan to say aloud, "Reality is an illusion. The universe is a hologram. My life is a story written and played out in accordance to plot progression." I heard myself say. "I am an entity that exists to fuel the story." I shuddered. "But I don't want to play the part." My Mindscape was a Stage because I am an actor. A character who exists for the sake of the plot. A story in my head played out for the masses to see.

"But the story won't stop even if I refuse to play." I whispered. "Everyone else is playing along to the script, regardless of what I do." I shuddered. "But they can't keep up. My improv has pushed the limits of what they can account for and work around. The other actors have lost track of their roles. The story marches on and we are all left floundering to find our place. I've ruined them all. And I don't know how far I can take this before everything breaks and burns and ends-"

Linda looked pale, staring at me. "...Miz?"

I blinked. Then I smiled. "I'm going to make a happy ending. I must. I will. No matter what happens to me, I have to ensure it ends happily." for everyone else. For the main characters. The Pines. My Zodiac. Gravity Falls. That one fateful summer, and more summers to come. I have… to make sure they have a happy ending.

My human family. Seb. Mommy. Zach. Zoe. Stan. Fordsie. Mabel. Dipper. Everyone.

Even if it means I won't be able to have them anymore.

Because a happy ending means the story ends.

But… Sebastian got his happy ending… except the story is still going...

"Is it because I'm here?" I wondered aloud. "Or is this some sort of season two?" or does his happy ending only really come when he passes away of old age, surrounded by all the people he loves?

"You… think that life… is some kind of… play?" Linda asked slowly. I looked up at her and shrugged. "Life is a cartoon show. Or, one of them is. I'm pretty sure this," I gestured around me, "Is some kind of off shoot from the original, from Canon, as it were." I nodded. "I mean, both Seb and Blue have their Doors originally in the area behind the [Flat Dreams] one, and I remembered that as a fanfic I read back when I was human…"

Linda just stared.

"What I mean is that Reality is a Story. It's an illusion." I explained. "And I'm torn between wanting to go off script and do what I want, or following the story and doing what I'm supposed to do."

Linda continued staring. "I… don't entirely understand. But you shouldn't be doing things you don't want to, just because you feel like you're supposed to."

I rolled my eyes. "People have to work minimum wage jobs for over forty hours a week every single day. They don't want to, but they still have to."

Linda sighed. "That isn't what I meant." she gave me a long look. "And I know that you know that."

I pushed the other blocks over. "Same basic idea." Linda rubbed her eyes. I saw her thinking about something. "What do you want to do? What is it that you want to achieve here?"

"...I want my own dimensional set to have a Pines family. I want them to be happy. I want to fix this world here, I want people to be happy. I want people to be able to pursue their passions and create the wonderful things you humans are so good at making, without being killed or persecuted or held back by having to waste their lives working on things they don't want to-"

"That sounds wonderful, but I'm guessing you're wondering if you should actually…" Linda waved her hand vaguely. "...use your powers for this?"

I nodded. "I've been going slow, with setting up a business where people can work part-time and still make enough to survive. But it's just… one thing. There's way too many things wrong here. I'd need to completely dismantle everything!" I huffed. "But I don't want to hurt people. I don't want to have to do a hostile takeover." I flicked some more blocks. "There are so many things I want to do, but I also can't do. Mommy would be upset. And probably the rest of them would also be upset if I just went and took over the world, even though I'm just trying to make it all better."

"...well, people don't really like… being taken over. It's… a rather big point."

"I know that. It's why I don't know what to do." I grumbled. "...sorry I'm bouncing around so much. I want lots of things, and I don't really know what I want you to help me with."

"Well." Linda sat up and relaxed her shoulders. "I believe that identifying what is causing you trouble is a good start. And learning healthy coping mechanisms." she paused. "How have you been doing, aside from… your control issues?" she paused. "I'm still unsure how to go about helping with that."

"Eh… I'm… ok-ish. I know I haven't been doing the exercise you told me to do. Sorry."

"It's fine. Don't feel pressured to do them. That would only stress you out more. It's fine even if you only do them while you're here with me. It's small steps, healing isn't something to be rushed."

"But I'm impatient about this." I pouted. She chuckled. "I've noticed." she tucked some hair behind her ear. "You always have to be doing something, which is a good work ethic, but you need to slow down and relax, for your own mental health." she told me. "Because working all the time isn't good for people."

"Not for humans." I huffed. "I don't technically need to sleep if didn't want to-"

"Miz." Linda said carefully. "You need to relax. Take a break. Do something fun."

"...like what?"

"What sorts of things do you like to do?"

"...watch cartoons… sing? Hang out with my friends?" I thought about it. "But I already do that."

"But are you doing them as things to check off a list of things to do?" Linda asked. I looked away. "I have a schedule."

"...it's not bad to have a schedule. But I feel like you're turning the things you should be doing to relax into more work you have to do." Linda pointed out. "Making them into just another thing on your list to do. When you should be relaxing."

"...what if I can't relax unless I'm working?" I wiggled. "I mean, I used to go to the spa to relax. But I can't really do that anymore."

"A spa sounds wonderful, why can't you?"

"Cause this one time my masseuse drugged me with an aphrodisiac."

Linda's expression twitched. "Well fuck them." She blurted out rather unprofessionally. I giggled. She rubbed her temples. "That… is that something you'd like to work on as well?"

I thought about it. "It's only really the 'being touched by people while I can't see what they're doing' that's an issue." I wiggled in place. "I feel bad that I can't fully relax even around my friends." but… "...though Ford's been getting me more comfortable with being touched all over."

Linda blinked. "Ah… that's…" she had an odd expression on. It took me a few moments to understand what she was worried about. "I still make sure to be in an adult form before we do anything together." I assured her. Linda looked relieved to hear that. Then, because I realized I hadn't told Linda yet, "Oh right, I'm officially dating Ford now."

"...as an adult, yes?"

I nodded. "Don't worry, Ford's not into children." Linda coughed. "That wasn't the thing I was worried about." she gave me an encouraging smile. "So you're dating him, would it be too intrusive to ask about it?"

"Nah, I don't mind talking about it." I smiled at the thought. "Ford's really nice. And cute."

"Cute, huh?" Linda smiled, thought she seemed thoughtful as well. "So you're ok with him touching you?"

"Within reason." I nodded. "I'm getting better at getting the physical affection I need. I've always been ok with touching other people, but having them touch me requires me to be aware and stuff first."

"Touch aversion is a thing with ASD." Linda nodded. "Well, being touched without preparation at least. From what I've read, and what you've said, you're fine with touching others, being touched as long as you consent, and probably have an attraction to tactile sensations?" she paused. "How are you with tickling?"

"I hate being tickled." I shuddered. She nodded at that. "Sensory sensitivities," she explained, "You're more sensitive to things like bright lights, temperature, sounds…"

I thought about it. Yeah, I couldn't stand being in direct sunlight, not unless the weather was really cold and the sun helped warm me. And sounds… well, I was incredibly sensitive to bass or loud sounds. "Sounds about right."

"I've also read that things like firm massage or heavy weights, like many pillows and blanket layers while sleeping, can help to calm and relax you, if done right." she paused. "And the fact that you feel too afraid to get massages could be part of why you're stressed, you need that sort of touch, or at least, something similar. So the fact that you trust Ford to give you the touch you need is good."

I thought about my bed/pillow nest back home. Oh. So there was a reason for it? And of wanting to cuddle with Xanthar or Ford? I also noted this was a difference between me and Blue, he hated anything heavy on him.

"Well, since you're agreeing with these points I've brought up, I think I have a better idea of what sorts of treatment I can have you start working on." Linda seemed relieved. Relieved to know there was something she could help me with.

"For one thing, move around more, physical things. Running, jumping, dancing perhaps?" I nodded at that.

"Now, I said before, that you putting in a time for 'relaxing' as another item on a list to check off was problematic, but the idea of setting a routine or schedule is actually good for you. It doesn't, and shouldn't, be too detailed, as any disturbances to your routine would only stress you out more, so keeping it somewhat open and fluid would make things easier for you in the long run." I nodded again.

Linda paused before she continued. "Now, as you're still registered as a child, I need to ask you if you would be alright with me telling Seb and Wanda about some of this, so that they can help you at home with your treatment."

"That's fine." I nodded yet again. Hey, she was telling me what I could actually do! And having mommy know what was wrong with me so she knew to help was good too!

"Alright. I won't tell them the personal things you've told me, only my diagnosis of you and suggestions of treatments."

"That's fine." I felt like a broken record at this point. "Are you really fine with this?" Linda asked gently. I shrugged. "It's better that they know so they can help. I mean, you told Wanda about Seb's ADHD and he's been doing great."

"Alright then." she took a breath. "Well going back to the topic of Ford, have you asked him to give you a back massage?" I shifted my weight. "I mean… sort of? Not fully, but I'm getting there."

"Good. I think you should work on that more with him." she hesitated. "As long as you're both aware of it. Of what this would mean for you."

"He knows. I think." I shrugged. "I've trained him to pet me without having to ask for it."

Linda made a weird face at that. "Ah, ok…" she shook it off, "Well, if you're both comfortable with it, I suggest you have him help you with the massage part of your physical therapy."

Well that sounded nice. I agreed wholeheartedly.

"As for everything else, I'm going to have to talk to Seb and Wanda about it." Linda wrote down a note for herself. I finished moving a few more blocks before I stood up. "Are we done for today?"

Linda checked the time. "Oh, we are. Well, what time next week would you like to come over?"

I thought about it. "I guess… Friday works. You've got a free slot in the evening." Of course I knew her schedule. Linda nodded. "Alright, I'll see you next Friday."

I walked out of her office, waving at Lucifer, before I Blinked away.

I had some research to do about ASD.