Chapter 46

You're not even gone yet,
and I've been missing you for a week already.
Waiting is tedious round the clock work, constant tension.
Yesterday night I thought that if I keep staring at you
it will be enough for a long time and today
I can't memorize the feeling of what it is like
when you're here with me"

- Anna Ciarkowska

The pair awoke at moonset—the sky just beginning to gray with the promise of daylight. Rose jumped away from the wolf she'd been curled up against for the past several hours in a fitful and unsatisfying sleep. She'd awoken every half hour or so in with unnamable terror and panic coursing through her breast—so afraid for what the new day would bring. Rose watched as Remus transformed back into the form of a man and was startled to see the dark bruises, scratches, and bites that littered his body. She'd been able to tell last night that he'd been hurt, but his fur had disguised the true extent of his injuries.

"Remus," she said in concern, transforming back and kneeling at his side. She pulled her robe off and threw it around his shivering body, helping him sit up.

"Rose," he said in a whisper, touching her face with his fingers as if she might break or vanish. There were tears in his eyes as he processed the memories of the previous night, and she saw the deep shame in them. She wrapped her arms tight around him, and he laid his head in the crook of her neck, his shoulders shaking.

"It's alright Remus," she said, rubbing his back in soothing circles.

"I could have killed you; I could have killed all of you," he said in a hollow voice.

"I'm okay, we're all okay, once we get back up to the castle, you'll see."

"The castle," he said with a shiver. "Can you imagine what would have happened if we'd gotten that far before moonrise? I would have…" Remus trailed away in abject horror at the idea of transforming into a werewolf in the midst of so many students.

"It's not your fault, you forgot. We all forgot."

"I can't just forget, Rose," he snapped, his fingers digging into her blouse. "It's not something a werewolf can ever afford to do."

"You were trying to help your friend—"

"And I made everything worse," he said dejectedly. Rose drew away from him and cupped his face in her hands as he had done to her so many times.

"No. Without you, we would have never believed Sirius was innocent," she said firmly, and she kissed him. She could feel the hesitation in his lips, and the kiss felt short and uncomfortable.

"Remus?" she questioned tentatively when they broke apart.

"I'll be alright, pet," he reassured her with a tired smile, squeezing her hand.

"We should get back up to the castle," she said, trying to settle the squirming sensation in her stomach. He nodded in mute agreement. Rose had to use most of her strength to help him stand, wincing at the mud caked onto his angry red wounds. He leaned on her heavily while they walked and their progress was slow. Rose didn't realize how sore her own body was until now. Though she had no injuries, she had run several miles as a fox and had slept on the cold muddy ground.

"We should stop at the Willow first," Remus said when they got close. "Hopefully our wands will be there."

They were. Along with Harry's dropped invisibility cloak. Rose used her wand to clean them both of the mud they were covered in, and Remus bandaged his own injuries with a spell she'd never learned. She transfigured the scraps of clothes that had been torn shreds during his transformation back into their proper appearance and gave him some privacy while he changed. When she turned around again, he looked much less like a wild man who might expire at any moment and more like the familiar exhausted Professor she'd come to know. He stuffed Harry's cloak into a robe pocket and, pointing his wand at the long stick they'd used to prod the Whomping Willow into freezing up again, he transfigured it into a cane he could lean on.

As the pair made their way up to the castle entrance, Rose missed the warmth of his body pressed against hers and the comfort of his presence. Now that they walked a few feet apart, she felt unsure and almost afraid at his silence and the dark mood that hung over him. She had no idea what to say or do to make him smile—and that was a skill she'd always prided herself on in the past. She wanted to make him see that this wasn't his fault; that he wasn't to blame.

"Thank heavens!" The relieved voice of McGonagall preceded the tight embrace she gave Rose by mere moments when they walked through the entrance. To her own surprise, Rose found herself wrapping her arms around the woman and burying her head in her shoulder, letting the tears she'd been holding in all night begin to fall.

"There, there," Minerva said, patting her back awkwardly. Rose took deep shaky breaths and got her breathing and emotions back under control, pulling away from the woman and wiping the tears from her face with the sleeves of her robe. McGonagall turned to Lupin and winced at the scratches and bruises that littered his face.

"Oh, Remus," she said, reaching out to him, but he held up hand out to stop her, giving the woman a tired smile.

"Please, Minerva, do you know where Professor Dumbledore is? I need to speak with him," he said measuredly, and Rose looked at him with concern.

"You need to go to the hospital wing, Remus," McGonagall said sternly.

"That can wait. Do you think he'll still be awake if I go to his office?"

"As if any of us could sleep after the night we just had," Minerva huffed. "Sirius Black attacking students only to escape once again."

"He escaped?" Rose gasped.

"It pains me to say it, but yes. We've no idea how," she answered, misinterpreting Rose's surprise. "And Miss Malfoy, you gave us quite a fright… we were beginning to fear the worse."

"I—I'm sorry Professor," Rose answered quickly, not daring to look at Lupin.

"Be that as it may, you look exhausted, are you injured?"

"No, no I'm fine. Not even a scratch," Rose assured the witch.

"Well, then you best be off to your dormitory and get some sleep."

"But I—I thought I ought to go with Professor Lupin to see the Headmaster," Rose said edgily, side-stepping closer to the man.

"Minerva's right Rose," Remus interjected, looking at her with kind eyes. "I'm sure Professor Dumbledore will want to see you too, but that can wait until you've rested."

"But—" she protested.

"Besides, I need to speak with him alone," he said firmly. Rose felt panic welling up in her stomach at this. What could he possibly need to say to Dumbledore that she couldn't be there for? Seeming to read this fear in her eyes, he gave her a comforting smile that made him look a bit more like the Remus Lupin she knew and less like a walking husk of a man. "It's alright Rose, I will see you when you wake up."

"Promise?" She asked, staring into his blue eyes searchingly. He gave her shoulder a comforting squeeze and nodded.

"I promise."

His hand slipped from her shoulder, and he limped forward down the corridor. Rose felt her heart aching in her breast as she watched him go. Minerva watched their interaction with a guarded expression but, thankfully, didn't comment. Instead, after looking Rose over to make sure she really wasn't hurt, she sent Rose off to her common room. Walking along the corridor to the dungeon, she heard the sound of familiar footsteps hurrying towards her. Rose sped up, hoping to avoid the confrontation—she was too tired for this.

"Roselin!" She froze at the sound of her name, clenching and unclenching her fists as he came to stand beside her. Looking up into his black eyes, she wished she could hit him like she'd hit Flint.

"Professor," she drawled.

"Minerva told me you weren't hurt," he said.

"I'm not," she agreed coldly.

The pair stood in the hallway in awkward silence before Rose could no longer hold back the question that had been pressing at her mind all night.

"Did you know?"

"What—"

"Did you know Pettigrew was the spy? That Sirius was innocent?" She knew that her father hadn't, but how deep had Severus been in the Dark Lord's confidence? She saw his eyes darken in anger but crossed her arms refusing to be intimidated.

"Peter Pettigrew is a figment of Black's deranged imagination—"

"He is not!" She shouted at him, her temper breaking. They locked eyes and she practically shoved the memory of Pettigrew's transformation back into a rat and their chase through the forest. She could feel Snape watching the memory, grasping hold of it so that she no longer had any control over what was happening. Realizing with panic that she'd laid bare her mind to the last person she wanted poking around in there, she struggled to reinstate her defenses. Rose did manage to block him out, but not before he'd seen her approaching the werewolf and thinking 'This is Remus, this is the man I love.'

"How touching," Snape sneered at her—his own temper palpable. Rose tried to keep her emotions in check, she didn't need him trying to dive back into her mind. He'd seen nothing incriminating—only a schoolgirl crush—one she knew he'd already suspected.

"Did you know," she demanded again, trying to regain control of the conversation.

"…No," he said at last, his face still twisted in a cruel snarl.

"But you suspected it wasn't Sirius," she pressed.

"Suspicion is not proof."

"You coward," she said quietly, and something in Severus Snape seemed to snap at this. He grabbed her by the front of her robes and dragged her towards him, looking into her eyes with burning anger.

"Do. Not. Call me a coward," he snarled.

"L—let go of me," she stammered, trying to keep the tremble out of her voice, the pressure of the robes around her neck making it hard to breathe. She had never felt afraid of Severus until that moment. He must have seen the fear in her eyes because suddenly she could breathe again, and he was striding away from her—his long dark cloak billowing behind him.

Rose felt tears again and brushed them angrily out of her eyes. She didn't want to cry any more for Severus Snape, she had done too much of that already. Instead, she crept quietly through the entrance to the common room and up the stairs to her dormitory. She managed to change into her pajamas and her stolen shirt and climb halfway under the convers before Mari's voice whispered to her from the next bed over.

"Where have you been?" The darkhaired girl asked, keen eyes peering out at Rose through the emerald curtains.

"Doing rounds—"

"All night?"

"You'll hear about it later, a lot of crazy things happened last night."

"What things?"

"Mari, I'm really really tired. I'm sorry, I'll talk to you when I wake up."

Despite all of the swirling thoughts in her mind, Rose dropped off to sleep almost immediately. In her dreams she was still chasing Pettigrew through the forest. This time, when she caught him, her dreams changed to the sight of Remus' clear blue eyes, the taste of his chocolate and cigarette mouth, and the feel of his body pressed against her own.

"Did you know?!"

Rose blinked when Mariko shook her awake hours later.

"Mariko, I said I'd talk to you when I wake up," she groaned, rolling over and pulling her duvet up over her head. Mari immediately yanked it down again.

"Roselin Euphemia Malfoy, you wake up right now and tell me if you knew Lupin is a werewolf!" Rose sat up so fast, her forehead slammed into Mari's who was bent over her. She fell back onto her pillow clutching her head while Mariko groaned in shared pain.

"W—what did you say?" Rose asked after a moment of rubbing her forehead.

"Did you know, Professor Lupin is a werewolf?" Mariko said slowly, enunciating every word.

"How—"

"You did know?!"

"I—well, I—"

"I can't believe you didn't tell me! Merlin, we had classes with him; you had us study around him. what if he'd attacked us?"

"He wouldn't have attacked us," Rose said defensively, anger bubbling in her stomach.

"How could you stand to be in the same room with him for so long, knowing he's a monster?" Mariko hissed, and Rose glared at her.

"He is not a monster. Remus Lupin is intelligent and kind and capable."

"Well he was loose on the grounds last night; he could have attacked any of us."

"No, he couldn't have."

"Why are you defending him?"

"Why are you attacking him? You've had classes with him all year. You said he was the best Defense Against the Dark Arts Professor we've had in years—" Rose shouted.

"When I said those things, I didn't know what he was," Mariko huffed. Rose wanted to slap her but remembered the question she needed to know the answer to.

"How did you find out?" She asked sternly, and Mariko glared at her, tossing a sheet of black hair over her shoulder moodily.

"Professor Snape told us at breakfast."

"He told you and Parker?"

"No, all the Slytherins heard how Lupin was running amok last night. It's all over the castle," she informed. Rose's face drained of color and she jumped out of bed, pulling her robe on over her pajamas and hopping around trying to yank on her shoes and socks.

"Where are you going?"

"I have to see him," she said fearfully, making for the door.

"Rose, you can't," Mariko shouted, grabbing the sleeve of her robe.

"Why not," Rose snarled into Mariko's face, and the girl took a hasty step back, looking at her like she'd never truly seen her friend before.

"B—Because," she huffed. "He's gone."

"Gone? Gone where?"

"He left. Probably got sacked once Dumbledore found out what he was," Mariko said haughtily. The gears in Rose's head were whirling at this information.

"When did he leave?"

"He walked out the door not five minutes ago—Rose, Rose wait!"

But Rose wasn't listening—she was running. Five minutes. Surely she could catch up to him if it had only been five minutes.