Illusion is Reality
Chapter 138
-I've tried-
I woke up in my room, Jheselbraum still there, working on something on her holo-screen. She felt me stirring. "Miz?" I yawned, stretching and rubbing my face against the pillow. "Hi Jessie…" I mumbled. "So… I talked to Linda… and learned some stuff about myself." not that I was going to let the fact that I might have ASD be used as an excuse for anything.
"Do you feel a little better?" she asked. I shrugged. "I guess. A little."
She regarded me for a while with all seven eyes. Finally she smiled. "You seem more settled."
"I have a direction now, sort of." I shrugged. "Hey Jessie?" ("Yes?") "What do you think I should do?"
She placed a hand on my head. "About what?"
"About me, as a person moving forwards." I leaned into the touch. The multiverse expects me to be chaotic and destructive and unpredictable. But I haven't been making as much of a ruckus as I used to. I got better at subtly messing with stuff using my other identities. Xin was a major god, if he wanted something, he got it.
And Jan-Jan never really asked his fans for anything major, but I bet I could. I was a little hesitant to do so, but… if I ever did it would have been a long-con spanning thousands of years to make the public fall in love with me. And… that was not my intention back when Jan-Jan began his career. I didn't really want to use him like that either.
(But part of me didn't really want to be some upstanding law-abiding citizen either. The thought of it just made my bricks crawl.)
"And what would you like to do?" Jheselbraum asked, "Personally, I would like for you to turn to positive endeavors."
"Oh please, you know as well as I do that if I tried to help people, they'll just suspect I'm trying to fuck with them, and also do the opposite of what I'm telling them to do as some way to spite me." I grumbled. She sighed. "Yes. That is a problem." she brushed her fingers through my hair. "But if you don't try, you won't be able to have people change their views on you. This isn't something you can do quickly. This is billions of years worth of bad press you're going to have to work to undo." she paused. "If that is what you want to do."
"Oh you would love for me to do that." I grumbled. "I still like having fun, you know?"
"...within reason." Jheselbraum rolled a few of her eyes. "That anime thing and watching fictional shows on the Screens is fine. But going around transforming people or-"
"Ugh~" I groaned. "I don't do that as much anymore. Only when I'm actually in combat against someone and I need a way to incapacitate them without killing them."
"Or when you just want to mess with Federation soldiers." she narrowed her eyes at me.
"Hey, I make sure they're actually a terrible person before I do that to them! Anyone who isn't terrible, I just bubble them." I protested.
"And what is your criteria for 'terrible'?"
"There are soldiers who get off on shooting helpless civilians." I growled. "Or those who use their position to force unfair favors from people."
She sighed. "Even so, aren't you also forcing them through things without consent? And aren't you also getting off on messing with them? Hunting them down like a shooting gallery?"
I twitched. "It's not the same." I pouted.
"How is it not the same?"
"I'm punishing them for what they did to other people."
That seemed to make something click for her. "Bill, you cannot be judge, jury and executioner all by yourself."
"But these guys won't be tried for their crimes. The government supports them and bails them out whenever they do shit things. So what's wrong with my own brand of vigilante justice?"
Not to mention I've been keeping out people with malicious intentions for ages. I wonder if that was part of why she didn't understand my feelings on this subject. She hasn't had to meet with and deal with people who would love to hurt others to get their kicks. To deal with people like that, she hasn't had to face them and wonder if they could change, or if it would be safer for people if those assholes were just taken down.
"Because you don't have a right to decide that all by yourself."
"Then I'll drag them before a crowd! What do you want from me?!" I huffed.
"I would want for you to not deal with such a thing by yourself." she frowned. "Or just not deal with it at all. The mortals have their own laws and rules. You should stay out of it."
"I can't just stay out of what happens in the multiverse! I LIVE there!" I fumed. "Unlike YOU!" it was so frustrating. Of course she can say all this! She's not the one who has to be out there, seeing it all happening! Sure, she knows about it, most of the people here were refugees for a reason after all, but she doesn't have to SEE it happening right in front of her!
"You know I cannot leave here." she narrowed her eyes at me. "And you don't have to live there. I know you've been working on your own dimension."
"So I should just… LET people suffer, even if I could do something about it?!"
"It's not your JOB!"
"THEN WHAT THE FUCK IS?!"
I was screaming at her by this point. It was a good thing I sound-proofed my room. She lowered her metaphorical hackles, serene once more. "As a god, it is wrong for you to meddle in the affairs of mortals."
"Then what the fuck does that make Time Baby?" I ground out at her.
She paused at that. "His duties require it." she finally said.
"Bull-fucking-shit." he could just let everything turn out however the fuck it did. He was the DEFINITION of a god meddling in the affairs of mortals.
Jheselbraum was quiet for a moment. I paused before I could start shouting again. She looked… sad? No, that wasn't quite right...
"Truthfully, I would also want him to not meddle in the affairs of mortals."
I stared with my jaw dropped.
She saw that, and sighed. "The Great One's mercy is that he doesn't interfere. If the God of All Creation were to come down and enforce his will, there would be nothing any of us could do. We'd be powerless, helpless…" she knelt down so she wasn't towering over me. "Miz, Bill, you are a God. And that means you can twist the lives of mortals to your will. In fact, as Master of the Mind, you could easily twist their thoughts and desires as well." she laid a hand on my head. "The fact that you limit yourself to only manipulation of their physical forms is… a blessing in a way. It's your own form of mercy, perhaps." she closed a few of her eyes. "Truthfully, I wish Time Baby did not enforce his will upon the lives of mortals. He is choosing their paths for them. I know this is… rather hypocritical of me, as I am an Oracle, but Fate isn't…" she looked like it pained her to admit this. "I know Time Baby is Fate. But at the same time, you are right. He wants things to happen as he plans. And to that end, he uses you. That… isn't right."
"I've told him to stop." I managed to say. My throat felt tight.
"He doesn't listen, I know." she sighed. She gave me a complicated look. "Bill, you have to understand. There is no fairness in the world. There is no such thing as Justice. Those aren't things that exist naturally. But," she said before I could open my mouth. "That doesn't mean that Fairness and Justice aren't important. Or that the mortals can't create their own."
"So why can't I-"
"Because it wouldn't be fair."
"But doing nothing, when I could do something to help is-"
"Not when it interferes with another's right to choose their own path. Not when it involves you killing or hurting them."
"Even if they're a bad person?"
"You cannot judge them on your own." she repeated. "Do you understand?"
I scrunched up my face. "Then who can judge them?"
"No one can." she told me. "No one has the right to judge anyone else. God or not."
"But-"
"Bill, even if you want to hurt someone, because you think they're a bad person, or that they deserve it, it's not up to you to judge them. I… know you just want to help in your own way, but saying things like 'they deserved it' isn't right."
"You're wrong." I muttered. "I mean, maybe you're right about me not having a right to judge them, but I still think they are in the wrong, according to my own morals, and I want them stopped." I folded my arms stubbornly. "If you saw someone abusing a child, right in front of you, would you do something about it? Or would you just… sit back and let it happen?"
Jheselbraum sighed. "I would protect the child, yes. But that doesn't mean I would have to harm the one who was hurting them."
"But if you don't stop that person, they're going to abuse another child."
"You don't know that-"
"Yes I DO!" I insisted. "I've Seen them! I've FELT them! I know what they're going to do- what they want to do! What they LIKE to do!" I shuddered at that. "You don't know what I can FEEL from some of those sickos out there!" I was heaving, shaking all over from some of the awful things I've gleaned off people. There were some really fucked up people out there. And frankly, the world was a better place without them.
And then I stiffened when Jheselbraum leaned forward and wrapped her arms around me. "I'm sorry you had to feel that." she was petting my head gently. "Is this why you want to hurt them?"
"They're disgusting..." I shivered again. Always made me feel all slimy and gross. (I guess there were reasons why Blue didn't want me picking up anything from other people, for just this reason. But I didn't take their emotions or feelings into my Self. I had more protections around myself than he thought. It just… felt like having some gunk dumped all over me. Gross and unpleasant. I just knew someone like that wasn't someone I wanted around. Someone I wasn't going to be able to deal with. I know education was a thing, that some people could become better if they were given a chance, and taught right from wrong.
But… some people were simply evil. There was nothing I'd be able to do short of tearing their Mind apart and rebuilding it. But that wasn't… a line I wanted to cross. So I just killed them, or destroyed them. Let them learn to be better in another life. Because the way I saw it, if leaving someone alive meant they were going to go around hurting others- sometimes in the hundreds of thousands- it would be better if they were gone.
If I could get them arrested and tried for their crimes, I did! But some people weren't touchable by the laws of their society, either through wealth or connections or-
Was I taking justice into my own hands? Yes. And I wasn't going to stop. Because I felt I was right.
And I hated that it meant I was always going to be a bad person. Even if I didn't want to be the 'bad guy' anymore. I was still going to kill people. Hell, even now, the protection Curse I placed around Dimension 52 still kept out the scum of the multiverse. This place is a safe haven. And I was incredibly frustrated that Jessie STILL didn't understand what I always did for her!
"If I didn't kill them, would you do it?" I wondered aloud.
"I do not kill. This dimension is a non-violent one." Jheselbraum said sternly.
"Sure. It's non-violent." I tilted my head back so I could glare at her. "But only because you're enforcing it." Jessie was a good person, and she did things like that. Enforcing her Will and Rules upon the people within her dimension, as was her right. Because she was the goddess of this dimension, she owned it. And if she was allowed to do it, then why wasn't I?
"I have to keep my people safe." Jheselbraum leaned back a little, sliding her hands down to hold my shoulders.
"And if someone came here, with the intent to hurt you or any of your people?" I asked. She shook her head. "I would stop them."
"And then what?" I asked. "Will you keep them here, imprisoned? Will you let them go, knowing they're going to hurt more people out there?"
"I will rehabilitate them. Teach them right from wrong."
"And what if they can't change? What then?"
"Bill, you're going to keep questioning me until I give in. This is a no-win conversation with you." Jheselbraum narrowed her eyes.
"Because it's a no-win situation. Unless we dirty ourselves to actually DO something about it!" I protested. "You can preach the pacifist thing all you want, and if you don't want to kill, that's fine. But I'm gonna do what I think is right. And if that means I'm going to have to kill people to protect others, I'm doing it."
"You're never going to let go of this, are you?" Jheselbraum said softly. I glared back at her, stubborn as anything. If there was one thing I knew about myself, it was how stubborn I could be. It was sheer stubbornness that kept me from falling apart.
"I can't accept losing the people I care about. And if that means having to get rid of people who might take them from me, then I'll do it."
"You, and Time Baby. The two of you care too much about interfering and making the things you want right." Jheselbraum sighed. "You're similar in that way, he's just got more reach than you."
"I'm not like that." I muttered. Except… I sort of was. In a way. She was right about that. Time Baby just cared more for what precisely he wanted, and had a longer reach.
But… didn't I technically have an even greater reach than him? If I really tried. He was Time and Fate, and mainly governed people's physical existence, with Time causing age and the breakdown of cells until organ failure and expiration of the organism. (Except in certain creatures, like some of the jellyfish that exist in the multiverse, since… I think those were descendants of the ones that escaped from my Nightmare Realm, but that was an entirely different matter altogether…)
I was Master of the Mind.
My Cooking Shows were broadcast across the multiverse. It meant I could reach that far.
If I merely reached for their Minds instead of their Dreams, how much damage could I do?
But I didn't do that. I refused. But just because I refused to do this one thing, didn't mean I was any less bad of a person, simply because it was something I was capable of doing, if I wanted to. That was around what I managed to understand from the people in Blue's 'set. Being capable of doing something dangerous already meant I was dangerous. And being dangerous meant that I was bad. It wasn't fair, but in Blue's 'set, that was how things were, wasn't it?
(I suppose it was good that I wasn't even able to get to Blue's set anymore… less stress for them to have to deal with me…)
"Bill, if you care about people so much, why do you want to kill?" Jheselbraum asked, calling my attention back to her.
"I don't care about everyone equally." Because I couldn't do that. "I'm not like you, or Ax. I can't treat everyone the same. I can't care the same. I don't like most people as is." Because I was a bad person who wasn't able to care about people equally. I wasn't that sort of neutral. I had my own values. And I easily wrote people off all the time if they checked enough boxes.
"I just don't like it when people who take advantage of people with less power are allowed to do whatever they want. I don't like seeing people being exploited and no one helping them." I muttered. "Not everyone can make it here, to you. Not everyone can get somewhere safe. Not everyone can get the help they need."
And it wasn't fair. It wasn't fair at all.
"Bill…" She picked me up into her lap. "It's not wrong for you to care about the people you do. Why can't you help without having to kill?"
"Why can't people just leave each other alone?" I huffed, folding my arms. "Don't you get mad about it? About how much people are suffering out there?"
Jheselbraum sighed. "I don't know what you're expecting from me. I have my duties. I cannot leave this dimension. I could think about the billions of lives out there, the children being hurt. The people being oppressed. The voices crying out for salvation." She closed her eyes. "And I would go insane from the grief of it all." She looked strained. "So I don't. I can't afford to. I have to hold it together, for everyone here. So I can maintain at least one place of peace and safety." She lowered her head to rest against my own. "And you've already gone insane from all this. This and everything else. That's why I want you to stop. Not stop caring, but… just take a break. Give yourself some time to heal. I know you can." she told me. "The killing and the hate, it's not good. You know that, don't you?"
I got where she was coming from. But I couldn't do that. I don't know how she could. Ignoring the suffering of people you could help (though I guess she couldn't help, since she was kinda stuck here). I did that for the longest time, I just had fun and kept myself distracted. Until the years flew by, until the eons passed in seemingly a blink of an eye. Until something caught my attention and I couldn't ignore it. And I was paying more attention now. With my Mind clear, I paid attention now. And I couldn't ignore it all anymore. And it hurt, so much. I know this probably wasn't something Blue intended, when he told me to close off everything from myself. He just wanted me to be wholly Me. And I'm happy to be wholly Me.
But it hurt so much sometimes that I wish I could just let the noise back in. Until it drowned out the pain and I didn't stress out all the time. But I just… I just can't sit back and ignore it all anymore.
I wondered how dad dealt with that. Having to let it all happen. How much did it hurt him?
I kept myself away from the pain by going to Seb's place. Because there, I could do something. Because I was only focusing on Earth there. Just one teensy tiny planet. So small in the grand scheme of things. Out here? In my set, with the vast multiverse before me, made of me, there was so much to deal with. So many problems. So many people. Trillions- decillions of lives! Being born and living and suffering and dying.
Mortal lives were so short. And I didn't want that short time they had to be filled with suffering.
But I didn't like everyone. And when someone wanted to spend their own short time making others suffer? Well, I couldn't forgive that. And if I had the power to DO something about that, why wouldn't I?
But no one liked it when I did something about it. Even when I just wanted to help.
I sighed, wiggling and pushing Jheselbraum's face away. "Jessie… I'm sorry. I just… I can't be like you. I can't be like dad." I slid out from her lap, rubbing my arm. "I can't…"
She looked sad. "I'm not going to give up on you."
"And I still think you're wrong. And wasting your time." I rubbed my face. "I'm sorry Jessie." I really was. "I… I have to go. No offense. But I can't…"
She stood with a clinking of gemstones. "Miz is welcome here any time." she gave me a faint smile. "And perhaps, someday, Bill would be as well."
"Heh." I shook myself off. "You're more optimistic than I am." and I Blinked away.
"Yo Bill! You're back!" Teeth ran over as I floated down the hall. "Hey, ah… we should have a boy's night out!" he said.
I blinked. Just came home and this? "Uh… why?"
"'Cause you and Pyronica have a girl's night out all the time! And we should get to take you out for fun times too!"
"No strippers please." I deadpanned. "Besides, I'm busy, remember?"
Teeth tilted his head. "Wait, you are?"
I groaned, lowering my face into my hands. "Takeover of the Federation? Remember?"
Teeth laughed. "Oh yeah, that. But that's not gonna take all day, right? I mean, you just spent a whole day with Ammy. And we had a camping trip. You can afford a few hours out with us? Pyronica says you need to take breaks."
"I just came back from a break? We all just had a break?" I said slowly. Teeth groaned. "Look, let me level with you…" he glanced around. "Hectorgon's been… um… well, he's…" he motioned me closer. "I'm worried about him. He's been acting weird. I personally think he's… ah… pent up, if you know what I mean."
My bricks were bright orange. "What?!" I squeaked. Teeth shushed me. "I didn't want to actually confront him about that, because it's super weird. But like… I mean… he's into all sorts of kinky porn and stuff, but I've never seen him go out to… ah, you know…"
I covered my sides where ears would be if I had any. "I don't know. I don't want to know!"
"Come on Bill! Hectorgon's been all weird and I hear sounds coming from his room." Teeth whined. "Can we all go out and just… I dunno… get him laid?"
"He can get laid on his own! He doesn't need me there to be his wingman!" I sputtered. "Can't you get 8-Ball or PaciFire to go with you?"
"But Biiiiiiill~" Teeth whined.
"Augh, what's the real reason you wanna do this?" I groaned.
"I wanna take Lilie out and show him what wild fun we have!" Teeth whined. "We've been on good behavior so long that Lilie actually doesn't believe me that you're actually a party animal! Like, he's heard about it, but he thinks it's some kinda propaganda thing."
I blinked. "So you want us to go out and have a wild party because you don't want your boyfriend to think I'm boring?" I asked incredulously.
"I don't want him to think I'm boring!" Teeth corrected. "Since, ah, he'll think that I consider being sequestered away in the Death Star exciting."
"How is this an issue? I mean… I thought you two were doing great in your relationship?"
"Uh…" Teeth pattered over to the couch and flopped over it. "I mean… we've been having cute dinner dates, and I brush his fur, and he helps me floss-"
"Too much information dude."
"But we don't do anything… like… crazy wild awesome!" Teeth complained.
"...I fail to see how that's my problem?"
"Our one year anniversary is coming up!" Teeth told me. "Lately he's been asking about going out of his comfort zone and doing something crazy, letting loose and all that!" He rolled over onto his back. "And I told him about some of the stuff we've been up to before. And he was interested, even if he thinks I'm just exaggerating."
"And how does bringing Hectorgon with us to help him get laid, help out with you and your boyfriend's… ah… whatever it is you're going for here?" Because it didn't make much sense to me.
"That's just an added thing." Teeth shrugged. "I wasn't kidding when I said there've been super weird sounds coming from his room."
"He's got an AI who's curious about physical sensations inside a sex-bot living in there." I deadpanned. "And no, he's not helping her alleviate that curiosity. I hope." I hadn't actually looked. Because that was super weird. I could watch people fuck for entertainment, but not if it's someone I knew personally. That was just…. Ew. And Hectorgon's like, my uncle, so it's double ew.
(I mean, I suppose watching some people I know fuck might be kinda entertaining. That's what the Penis Planet™ was for after all. Speaking of which, I haven't contacted my worshipers on that planet for a while... I wonder how those witches were doing? Last I Saw, they were taking my suggestion of making magical chocolates and just going buck wild with them...)
"Ok that's weird. But he still needs to get laid." Teeth said, as if it was obvious. "Still don't see why I need to be there." I narrowed my eye at him. "Wait…" I thought about it. "Are you afraid to do something crazy with Lilie alone?"
"I'd feel better if I had you there to bail us out if anything happened." Teeth admitted. Well, I was making progress here. "And Hectorgon? Like, for reals?"
"...he accidentally left some of his porn up on the Screen in the living room." Teeth shuddered. "He's really pent up."
"Ugh! Fine! Say we DO go out for some boy's night out. What are we doing?" I threw my hands in the air. "And who's coming? Everyone but Pyronica?"
"You, me, Hectorgon, Keyhole, 8-Ball and PaciFire." Teeth listed off.
"Wait, so what're Ammy, Kryptos and Xanthar doing?" I knew Facey wouldn't want to come. They weren't a boy either, so I wasn't sure if this counted? Maybe I would ask them later?
"Ammy's still dissecting those… erm… bog bodies he found." the both of us shuddered. "Xanthar's… I mean, to be honest here I was thinking we would go bar hopping or something. And he's not into that anyway." I nodded, this was true. Xanthar was fine with the occasional alcoholic drink, but the bar hopping type of deal was too much for him. "Kryptos… he was a little too enthusiastic about wanting to come, so I decided he shouldn't." Teeth huffed. "Probably wanted to test his luck once you were drunk." he muttered almost venomously.
"Look, how about this." I patted Teeth's shoulder. "We have this boy's night with everyone, and we bring Kryptos too, so we can try and get him to find someone else to like besides me?"
"I don't think throwing him at other people is going to make him stop obsessing over you." Teeth pointed out.
"I don't even know why he's into me!" I flopped down on the couch on top of Teeth. "He says he likes me. And that's cool. But I can't think of him as anything more than a kid. Like, I know he's not a teenager anymore, mentally speaking, but I practically raised him!"
"...is that how you feel? About Kryptos?" Teeth gasped.
"Yeah? It's like that with Keyhole too. I met them when they were teens, and even if they're grown up now, they're still… like… emotionally, for me…" I sighed, closing my eye as I rested on top of Teeth. "They were just kids. And still are, in a weird way. I mean, I still feel like a big brother or mom-friend to them. They're… they're my kids, ya know?" I waved my arms. "I raised them!"
Teeth scooted over on the couch, adjusting himself to lie more comfortably, with me on top of him. "You're really fixated on children."
"I can't help it." I rubbed at my bricks. "I dunno why. I know I didn't want kids when I was younger, but that was the whole… bearing children, thing? But I think it was more due to Flatland's laws saying that I had to. And me not wanting anything to do with that." I sighed. "Also, childbirth sounds scary. But, I… love kids. I want to have kids." I complained. "And yeah, maybe it's unfair of me to think of them as the kids they'd been when we first met, but… that's how I feel, ya know?"
Teeth was quiet for a while. Finally, "Is that why you're not attracted to Kryptos? Because you still register him as a child?"
"Well it would be pretty fucked up if I did find him romance-able considering I raised him! Fuck!" I threw my hands in the air, where they stretched a few dozen feet before flopping over around us like limp noodles. "Like ew, who sees a teenager who's under their guardianship and thinks, 'man, I would like to date them once they're a little older', like that's gross!" I retracted my arms back in. "I mean, I know he was almost an adult, but he wasn't, and I am, and that's like, super weird."
"...and yet you still dress him up in pretty dresses...?" Teeth trailed off. I rolled my eye. "I put Pyrone and Pynelope in cute outfits all the time."
"That was when they were babies." Teeth pointed out.
"Yeah. And they were ADORABLE!" I gushed. "Like fuck, they were cute as FUCK! And Quackers was super cute in those little red riding hood outfits too!" I pushed myself up and turned to face Teeth. "And then they grew up. Outgrew my outfits. Also they told me they were too old to wear them." I sobered a little at that.
Teeth was sitting up too. "So… you dressing up Kryptos is because…"
"Because he's soooo cute!" I whined. "Like he's just so adorable! He's like a little sister I can play dress up with!" I mean, I used to dress up Zyun-Kei too. I was twelve years older than her, so I really felt like I raised her sometimes. Especially with how often our parents were out working and left me in charge of my younger siblings. So… it just felt normal to me, of being an older sister and a parental figure at the same time. I turned orange. "Although, I will admit. I was super weird and gross about him when he turned himself humanoid, that one time." I felt a wave of shame overtake me. "I mean, I really… really shouldn't have touched him like that." I know I fucked up. Badly.
"What… precisely happened that day anyway? I know it was something bad, but you never told us the details?" Teeth scooted over to press himself against my side.
"I… kinda gave him a handjob? And touched his butt?" I buried my face in my hands. "Ugh. I can't believe I did that. But he was so round and cute and I wanted to pet him!" Which wasn't an excuse, even if I hadn't set out to make it sexual, it still… ended up that way. And probably gave him the wrong idea about it all.
"How did you even-" Teeth closed his mouth before taking a deep breath, pulling for patience. "Ok yeah, that's fucked up." I wilted at his frank tone. "Knowing you, you just saw something soft or interesting and wanted to touch it, didn't you?"
"He shoots lightning! It was so cool! I just wanted to study it, I forgot about…" I waved my hand. "Well that's just an excuse, a bad one at that." I groaned. "I mean, I apologized, he apologized, and that's it. It was fucked up, and we're never doing something like that again."
Teeth regarded me before placing an arm on my shoulder. "But this still bothers you, doesn't it?" I nodded wordlessly. "You really feel that bad about it?" I nodded again. "Even though Kryptos doesn't blame you?" Another nod.
"Well, from where I'm standing, you both fucked up." I nodded again, yeah it wasn't a good moment for the both of us. "But now you know that's not ok. And you're not going to do something like that again, right?"
"Never." I said vehemently. "Unless I fuck up and do it by accident."
"Well then it'll be an accident and you'll learn from that mistake too." Teeth patted my side. "Bill, everyone makes mistakes."
"Uuuugh~ why is everyone being like this?" I groaned. Maybe it was having to talk to Linda and Jessie back to back, but seriously?
"Because you get stuck on things sometimes, and we need to help remind you to get unstuck." Teeth shrugged. Then he elbowed me teasingly. "And what better way to get unstuck than having a fun boy's night out with us~?"
"Getting Kryptos to get over me would be cool." I admitted. "Wait, you're bringing Lilie, right?"
"Yeah? I've even made a list of bars that also have karaoke, he likes singing too."
"So the plan is to get Hectorgon and Kryptos to hook up with someone, and also have a wild fun time with Lilie?"
"Essentially. Like, we're probably just gonna sit back and enjoy each other's company while you guys do your thing."
"...are you just planning on me getting drunk and watching the ensuing chaos for entertainment?" I deadpanned. Teeth chuckled nervously. "Not precisely. Well, it's not you being drunk that I was hoping on. But 8-Ball gets pretty funny when he's smashed."
"I'll need to find Toobie a babysitter for the night." I mused. "Guess Facey could do it."
"So you'll come?" Teeth asked. I sighed. "Fine. I mean, I guess it would be a chance to see if maybe I can get Kryptos to get over me."
Teeth laughed weakly, "Unless we find a demon who's powerful and actually likes him, I doubt it…"
"So his type is 'power'?" I mused. Teeth shrugged. "From what I can tell, he wants power and control, and well, you're kinda really hitting it for him."
"What kind of type is 'power' anyway?" I muttered. "Like maybe he wants a strong partner who'll protect him? I can see the appeal of that."
"More like having someone strong who would do almost anything for him." Teeth muttered.
"I would, though." I blinked. Teeth buried his face in his hand. "Yes. That's… that's a problem, you know that?"
"Why? You're my friends. I'd give you the world and more if you asked."
"...we know." Teeth sighed. "But you shouldn't." he paused. "Have you told your boyfriend about this?" he sounded worried. Why? I shrugged. "Not directly. But I have made it clear to my human family I would give them whatever they wanted, if they asked." I giggled. "The twins usually ask for ice cream. Or for me to help them sneak their best friend over to hang out."
"...and Ford?" Teeth still sounded a little worried.
"I help him out with his research and stuff." I blinked.
"...what kind of research?" Teeth tensed a little.
"Building machines for terraforming and environmental alteration." I shrugged. Teeth relaxed. "What? Do you really think I'd get together with a guy who'd stick me full of needles or someshit?" I huffed. "I love him, but I'm not stupid."
"You can't blame me for worrying." Teeth slapped the couch beside him. "You don't even seem to understand how much we could take advantage of you!"
"But you don't." I pointed out. I wasn't like Blue, or his Sixer. I knew that just because my friends could take advantage of me, doesn't mean they would. Being capable of doing something wasn't the same as actually doing it. They chose not to. And that was important to me. "I trust you guys not to do so." I shrugged. Even as I hated myself for the same reasons. I'm kinda messed up that way.
"I bet that's what gets Kryptos off. The trust." Teeth muttered.
"So I need to set him up with a powerful demon who also trusts him?" I flicked my bowtie. "That's gonna be hard."
"More like impossible." Teeth scoffed. "Where are we supposed to find a demon who'd be into him anyway?"
"Hm…."
We came into the bar without much fanfare, though some of the noise level dropped when people spotted me. Still, most of them turned away and went back to their own conversations. I relaxed a little. Ok, at least I didn't get any screams, or anyone jumping me. I floated over to the bar and tapped the counter top. "Hey, where's the sign up for karaoke?"
The bartender, a large muscular humanoid with dark green fur, snorted. "Shouldn't you know where that is, mister All-Seeing Eye?"
I rolled said all-seeing eye. "I thought it would be polite to ask."
He regarded me for a while before relaxing. "There, the table in the corner." he raised his four eyes to glance at my party. "You guys want drinks and food too?"
"Yes please." I eye-grinned. The bartender sighed. "You're not going to trash my place, are ya?"
I turned a little to glance at Teeth. He chuckled nervously. I turned back to the bartender. "No promises, but I'll try."
He huffed but jabbed his 2nd thumb at a larger table to the side of the room. "Go sit, I'll send someone over with menus."
"Thank you sir." I was trying out saying please and thank you more. Perhaps it would make a difference, perhaps not. Who even knew anymore. Teeth led Lilie over to the table, the fluffy alien was staring, wide eyed, at the other patrons of this bar. And the dancers on stage as well.
Scantily clad, shifting colors, sultry voices with their large wings arched around them.
Yeah, we're in a Succu/Incubus bar.
8-Ball was already drooling as he stared at an incredibly robust one brushing a hand down their tail and winking at him with two of their five eyes.
Yeah, this is also a place where the dancers could choose anyone in the bar to spend a night with. But only one night. They had rules about this sort of thing. Though if the 'Cubi liked them, they were allowed to start relationships as well. And with a 'Cubi's natural shapeshifting, along with their empathic powers for being able to sense their partner's wants and desires, they could be anyone's 'type' (physically at least.)
But it wasn't all about the sex. There were plenty of demons here. Surely someone would catch Kryptos's eye?
We sat at our table and I slapped down a few Credit chips for everyone. "Have fun. Don't spend it all too quick." I told them before adjusting my hat. Was my usual ensemble too fancy for this establishment? I was getting some looks.
One of the other demon patrons blew a kiss at me when my gaze swept past her.
...I was getting looks. I groaned internally as she slithered her way towards my table. Snake-like species, venomous looking spurs along the sides of her face. A vibrant blue color with black stripes. Latiphinae, a species of half aquatic demon snake. She leaned against our table, twisting her long tail sensually around the air. "Hey~"
"Sorry sweetheart, this demon's taken." I quickly corrected. She hissed in disappointment. "Shame." she looked at the rest of the table. "Who'ssss the lucky demon who managed to land the Bill ssssCipher?"
"Oh, he's not here. He's also not a demon." I shrugged. I had considered inviting Ford, but he was such an innocent little nerd. A place like this would make him faint. She stuck her tongue out to taste the air. "Ohhh?" she seemed more interested now, pushing 8-Ball's chair over and making herself at home at our table. "A mortal?"
"You don't have to talk to her Bill." Hectorgon said simply, looking around for the waiter/tress who was supposed to bring our menus. I blinked. The Latiphinae scoffed. "Oh? Is this some juicy secret?" I could see a few nearby demons perking up and listening in. "A mortal, huh?" she leaned closer to me. "Fragile, isn't he?"
I rolled my eye. "Not like any of you'd be able to find him." he was in an entirely different 'set after all. Ford was safe. They couldn't use him against me.
"Oh? You're pretty confident, aren't you?" she was leaning waaaay too close to me by this point. I saw Keyhole and Lilie semi-cowering, looking around at the demons around us warily. I could feel the tension in the air.
"HAH!" I barked out a laugh. My trusty cane was in my hand, twirling before the end pressed against her neck and pushed her away, get outta my personal space lady. "Like any of you'd be able to even lay eyes on him without me knowing."
She hissed out a laugh. "Possessive?" she wiggled sensually. "Afraid someone might seduce him away from you?" the words were innocent enough, if somewhat threatening. But I could hear the underlying question beneath that. How much do you like this guy?
"Hey." The bartender called out. "Kindly refrain from starting a fight in my bar Aret." The Latiphinae scoffed. "What fight?" she sneered at me. "Rumor has it that Cipher's gone soft since he had children." she paused, "Oh wait, I'm mistaken." she laughed. "Since he lost his childre-"
She didn't get to finish her sentence.
"Bill?" 8-Ball had his hand on my side. Teeth was clenching his… teeth. "Maybe this was a bad idea…"
The petrified body of Aret fell over onto her side.
I laughed. "Yeah, well, maybe I have gone soft." I poked at the statue with the end of my cane. "'Cause a few millennia ago, I'd have just torched this entire bar." I raised a hand and flicked my fingers. "Can I have my menu, please?"
I was upset. Really upset. And slipping back into old mannerisms was easy.
The waiter came over, very well trained. He wasn't letting any of his fear show through. I could taste it though. It seeped out from him. My powers surged, hungry and grasping. I'd starved them for too long, closing myself off as I did. Even this tiny trace that managed to slip through my shields was enough to rile them up. Like a drop of blood in an ocean filled with carinoleeches. My hands closed into fists, shaking with how much it took for me to hold this all in, to stop my powers from reaching out and sucking this poor waiter dry until he was nothing more than an emotionless husk.
No, this wasn't good. And this wasn't going to work. Closing myself off wasn't going to work. Not unless I could get my stupid powers to stop craving this. It wasn't self defense at all. The damn thing was just hungry. MY own emotions weren't enough for them, it seemed.
Still, I managed to hold it all back. I even gave the waiter a smile and a tip of my hat. "Thank you." I picked up the menu, and if anyone noticed the mild shaking of my hand, they didn't say anything.
"Bill?" Keyhole didn't whimper. I was immeasurably proud of him for that.
"I'm fine. Just a little hungry." I waved off. Even though I told everyone I was fine, the whole bar seemed to tense up. Come on! Just because I was hungry didn't mean I was dangerous- ok fine, I was sorta (very) dangerous when I'm hungry, but that's not the point here!
I saw some people scooting their tables and chairs away from me.
Uwu… they're all being meanies. Dammit. This is what I get for lashing out. I needed to stop doing that. But that damn snake was actually mocking me for-
I needed to remind them why it was a bad idea to mess with Bill Cipher-
I shook that off. No. I… I wanted to change, right? I wanted to get better. To not lash out at people just because they upset me-
I mimed a deep breath. My powers were straining against my hold. Calm down you little fuckers. I let a small bit of it loose, into Aret, reversing her petrification. She shuddered, gasping for air as her lungs were flesh once more. The cold stone had retreated. But she was shaking. Not because of shivers, she couldn't shiver after all. The taste of Fear was stronger, even as she slithered away, twisting over herself as her muscles remembered how to move. "Sorry." I called after her as she slither/stumbled her way out of the bar.
Yeesh. I thought leaving her conscious while petrified was a nice thing to do. Looks like she didn't appreciate it.
I turned back to the waiter. "Can I get some tater tots and a Pineapple Vehemence?" He nodded quickly, turning away. "Oh, my friends still need to make their orders." He froze and turned back to my table.
I looked around. The bar was all quiet now. I sighed. "Hey. What's with the somber atmosphere? Aren't we all here to get drunk, get laid and sing karaoke?" I let out a laugh. "I'm not letting one incident ruin my night, and neither should you all."
I leaned over to nudge Hectorgon. "Hey~ wanna see if any of those lovely dancers wants to give you a private show?"
The 'cubi were slowly going back to dancing.
Hectorgon sighed. "Bill, I don't know what Teeth told you, but I don't need to have a 'private show'." he gave Teeth a stern look. Lilie's ears were pressed down against his head. "Um… mister Cipher?"
"Just call me Bill." I blinked at him. He was leaning against Teeth, who looked a little guilty.
"You're very different in public." that made me blink. Lilie looked wary, but not… quite scared. "I've heard all the rumors. That you're a dangerous and touchy demon who would lash out and tear people apart at the slightest insult or provocation." he slowly shuffled in his seat. "And I thought they were just rumors. You've always been kind, whenever I went over to see Teeth." Teeth looked tense, glancing at the demons around us.
Me though? I relaxed. "Heh, well…" I adjusted my top hat. "It's easier to relax when people aren't messing with me." I grinned. "Also, I happen to like you. You make Teeth happy." I leaned back in my chair, waving a hand lazily. "I'm actually a pretty chill guy, so long as no one messes with me."
Someone in the bar made an incredulous sound.
8-Ball poked the menu. "Um. Can I have the meatloaf?" The waiter was quick to write it down. Everyone else made their orders and the waiter rushed off to the kitchen to get away from me. I noticed Kryptos wiggling in his seat. "Are you ok?" I stood up on my chair so I could lean over and place a hand on his side. "You look restless?"
Kryptos straight up blushed. "You're really hot when you're being all demony."
I turned a bright orange. Even my powers stopped struggling to escape my grasp and just… sat there, just as stunned as I was, apparently. "W-w-w-w-wha?" I sputtered. "Where's this coming from?!"
Kryptos blinked. "Oh, you actually heard that." his eye widened. "Right, you can actually hear when I say stuff like that now."
"What?! Since when have you said stuff like that to me?!" I cried.
Why were all my friends looking at me like that? Kryptos groaned, rubbing around his eye. "I've been attempting to flirt with you for ages. You just… never noticed… or forgot about it once you did realize."
I blinked and thought back. "...oh." well, uh…. This was apparently a thing. "Huh… um… thanks? I guess? So you're into the 'demony' type?" whatever that meant? Threatening? Huh, that made me a little worried for Kryptos's future if his 'type' was powerful and threatening...
Everyone groaned and Kryptos sighed. "Bill, did you take us here to try and get me to lust after some other demon that isn't you?"
"...yeeeees?" Everyone groaned again. Kryptos sighed. "Bill, I get it. You're finally in a relationship, and you feel bad that my feelings for you aren't going to be returned. But that doesn't mean I need you to set me up with someone."
He gestured to Teeth and Lilie. "Besides, isn't this supposed to be a fun night for the love-congruents there?" I wilted. "Teeth insisted that I come, and the rest of you. Said it was gonna be a boy's night."
Teeth and Lilie glanced at each other before Teeth sighed. "Lilie and I wanted to have something exciting for our anniversary."
Hectorgon slapped the table. "Bringing Bill out to watch him pick fights is not a good way to get your thrills."
"I'm not picking fights!" "I didn't mean it like that!" Me and Teeth protested at the same time. Hectorgon raised his hand, the two of us quieting. "Bill, Teeth, you're both being idiots. Now, I don't mind the idea of a boy's night out. But it doesn't need to be in a bar."
"...but we already ordered food~" I whined. Hectorgon laughed, reaching over to pat my top point. "We can stay for the food and then maybe a few rounds of karaoke. Then, I suggest we vote on where each of us want to go for the rest of this boy's night out."
I looked around, 8-Ball was staring off at a few dancers. "Well, looks like 8-Ball would like to stay here longer." Keyhole hesitantly raised his hand. "I also would like to get laid." he admitted. PaciFire, who'd been quiet this whole time, spoke up with a "So are we splitting up?"
I looked over at everyone. "You're free to do what you want." Teeth held Lilie's hand, "What do you want to do?"
The fluffy alien thought about it. "Well, I would like to watch the dancers," he leaned over to nuzzle Teeth. "And think about what kinds of things we could dance to later~" Teeth let out a sound I've never heard from him before. Kryptos and Keyhole leaned away, odd looks on their faces. I heard Keyhole mutter, small"Lucky bastard."
PaciFire turned to me. "And what would you like to do on a boy's night out?" I blinked. "I mean, I'm fine with just watching a movie or playing video games, personally." I shrugged. "Maybe a few drinks, some food. Karaoke, definitely."
"Isn't that what we do most nights?" 8-Ball asked while moving his chair back into place. The waiter came out with our food at that point, ooh fast service, and I thanked the man before taking a bite of my food and a sip of my drink, moaning at the taste of the alcohol. Damn, it's been too long since I've had a drink. "Well, yeah? It's what I think is a nice evening."
"But we're not here for a nice evening, right?" Keyhole said slowly. Teeth nodded. "Wild party?"
I perked up a little at 'party' but I shook it off. "I dunno. I really don't wanna deal with getting thrown out of establishments today." I scratched at my bricks. "...but another part of me kinda wants to let loose… but I shouldn't…"
"...ok, how about this." Hectorgon took a deep breath, watching my scratch at myself. "We eat, sing a few songs, and then we can go to some isolated part of the multiverse and you can let loose." he gave Teeth a stern look. "Would that be 'exciting' enough for you?"
"""Okay.""" everyone agreed.
It was only then that I realized I was shaking. The roiling Weirdness inside me wanted out. Hectorgon put a hand over mine. "It's ok. Just hold out a little longer." he said softly. I nodded, squeezing my eye shut. Probably shouldn't be ingesting alcohol, but it was so yummy~
"Bill," Teeth nudged my side. "The music here's not all that great. I'm sure they wouldn't mind if you… spiced it up a little?"
"Can I spice up the music?" I asked the bartender. He gave me a long look, seeing the way my hands were shaking. He gave Teeth a questioning look. Teeth nodded. "Alright then."
See? I was asking for permission before doing stuff. Progress!
I arched back, my bricks glowed and the bar around us got an 'upgrade'. The tables were now clean and much more sturdy. All the kitchen equipment was repaired and touched up. The stage was glowing, the speaker system was advanced to the latest system, best sound quality. The karaoke machine was updated to include every song I knew (which was a LOT). I even made the place larger, there was a dance floor now. Of course, there were also tables now hanging on the much, much taller walls and a few on the ceiling. The patrons screamed before they realized they weren't falling, the gravity around the bar having shifted so they were still registered as 'on the ground' despite being upside-down. Also there were a lot of psychedelic colors coming from the spotlights now.
The speakers began to play Hibikase and the dancers paused for a moment before shrugging and dancing along to it.
I purred, feeling much better.
Teeth smiled, patting my back. "You've also been pent up, haven't you?"
"Ehhh, maybe just a little." I shrugged, not wanting to let on how bad it was.
"Doesn't For-your boyfriend help you with that?" Keyhole asked, remembering not to name names.
I blinked. "We don't do that. Well, he's ok with some Weirdness, but nothing too over the top…" I paused. "And we don't do the sex thing. It's just really intense cuddling. Like he wrestles with me, and that's pretty nice..." I sighed dreamily at the thought. "Oh, we also hold hands."
"Too much information Bill." Keyhole deadpanned.
"Is hand holding really that…" I trailed off at the heavy blushes on my friends' faces.
Kryptos was tightly clenching his fists. "That kinky bastard…" he growled. "Why didn't I realize this before? Six fingers! The slut." I just stared at them all incredulously.
Kryptos hit the table with his fists. "It's because of his hands isn't it?!" he cried. "His weird rough textured hands with those slutty six fingers?!"
I choked. "I-I-I mean- his calluses are very nice- but that's not why-"
Kryptos looked down at his gloves with more venom than I thought could be directed at a piece of handwear. "You don't get to hold my hands directly." he said defeatedly. I groaned, rubbing my bricks around my eye. "It's not about your hands Kryptos."
He pulled one glove off, the electricity sparkling along his hands as soon as it was exposed to air. Keyhole squeaked and pushed his chair away. "Kryptos, it isn't about your hands." I protested again. Kryptos held his hand out to me. There was a pouting stubbornness to his expression. I sighed, rolled my eye and reached out to take his hand. The electricity crackled along my skin, making me shiver. "It tingles." I told him.
"Is it unpleasant?" he asked. I shook my head. "Look, Kryptos. It doesn't matter if your hands are nice, I'm just not into you." And his hands were nice. Very soft. But that wasn't the point. Even if his hands were nice, or if he was really cute, it didn't matter. I just… wasn't into him. I've even thought about it, about whether I could like him back someday. And I just… didn't. And part of me felt bad that I couldn't. But it wouldn't be fair to me or him for me to try dating him. I just couldn't see him that way. I sighed, letting go and folding my hands around my drink. "Can't you find someone else?"
Kryptos huffed, pulling his glove back on. "That man's not going to last forever." I twitched. "And you know this. Why do you insist on this?"
"Because I love him." I knew it sounded rather lame to say it. And I didn't really know what 'love' was, not really. But I cared about Ford a lot. And I felt really nice around him. He was mineminemine and I wanted to have him for as long as I could. And he asked me out first, so I know he liked me enough for it. Did he love me? I'd like to think so. But he didn't really know what 'love' was either. And that was fine with me. We're both idiots just trying something out and seeing if it worked. And it was working so far.
I didn't want to mess things up. Besides, maybe Ford would change his mind in the future about wanting to stay mortal. Maybe I could convince him to stay.
"What's he have that I don't?" Kryptos complained.
Teeth was ushering everyone else to follow him away from the table, everyone else finished eating already, and were now inching away from the table to give Kryptos and I some space.
"That's not the point." I stressed. "Kryptos, why do you want to get with me so badly?!"
"Because I love you!" Kryptos reached out to take my hands again. "And I do want you to be happy. But he's going to die and you're going to be sad."
"Why do you even care? You're hoping he dies so you'd get a chance with me." I shot back. I didn't want to think about that, but I'm not stupid, or blind. I knew that's how Kryptos felt. And I had tried to ignore it, but it was starting to get on my nerves.
"Because he would still have made you hurt. And I wouldn't be able to beat him up for it." Kryptos deadpanned. I sighed. "Even so. Even if he was gone, that still doesn't mean I'll start liking you in the way you want." I leaned closer, placing my hands on either side of the compass's face. "Kryptos, you're not just my friend. You're someone I watched grow up. You're my little sibling, my child. I can't…"
"...so it's because you met me when I was a kid? Is that it?" Kryptos raised his hands to caress mine. "So he gets to be with you, because he was an adult when you met him?"
"Just drop it Kryptos! This isn't something that can be-"
"I'm not a child, Bill!"
"I-" we were both standing now, half shouting at each other. "I know that. But I still feel the way I do. And I can't change that!" I pulled him close to me, eye to eye. "You're mine, Kryptos. I love you. But I don't love you the way you want me to."
I could feel him shaking. "So it's never going to happen? Ever?" I shook my head slowly. "I'm sorry. I really am. But you're my little sibling. My friend. My child. My dearest Kryptos. The only one in all the world. I want you to move on because I want you to be able to find happiness instead of wasting your feelings on me."
"But there's no one like you." Kryptos was shaking harder. I could see that I was finally getting through to him, if the way his eye was tearing up meant anything. "You're literally the best thing that's ever happened to me. How am I supposed to… there's no way anyone would ever measure up-"
"Have you tried adjusting your hinge to expand your radius?" I pressed my top point against his. Kryptos snorted through his tears. "Seriously Bill?"
I chuckled lightly, wiping his tears away with a hand. "I'm serious. In fact you could say I'm being perfectly straight with you."
"Oh planes, please stop." Kryptos groaned, though I caught the edge of amusement there. I giggled, cleaning off his face. "Really though, I want you to be happy. I'm sorry for trying to pair you up with some other demon, that's not right. You have to find someone that you like, yourself."
"...I know…" Kryptos groaned. "...it's really never going to happen. Us?"
"Never." I confirmed.
"...I'm not going to get over you for a while." Kryptos admitted. "I don't even think I'll ever fully get over you." he leaned back. "And I'm certainly not gonna be letting up on that hand slut if he ever does anything to hurt you."
"Just quit calling him a hand slut and I'll let that go." I deadpanned.
"I'll have to come up with some other dumb thing to call him." Kryptos sighed. I poked him. "Or just don't call him names. I don't like it." I narrowed my eye at him. Even if Ford wouldn't hear any of this, I didn't like it. Kryptos twitched. "Fine. What can I call him?"
"Sixer." I shrugged. I could feel everyone in the bar listening in. And sure, it was a little embarrassing to have so many people listening in on my personal conversations. But I could use this. If I didn't want people to hear, I'd have put up a Perception Filter. But there was a goal here.
Bill Cipher was in love with a mortal.
And Bill Cipher loved this mortal so much he would even deny one of his Friends something.
This was a big deal, this was news.
It meant there was a mortal out there, who was 'male' and had six fingers, whom Bill Cipher would even go against his closest, most loyal and beloved Friends for. It wasn't much, but worse came to worse in the future, if my own Stanford Pines somehow got lost in space, there would be people on the lookout for him. If not to capture him to try and use him against me, then at least to make sure he didn't die, or else the multiverse would face my wrath. Or grief. Either or.
And I didn't have to directly say anything to people. I didn't have to outright put out a bounty or anything. There was no promise of a reward for anyone finding this mysterious 'Sixer'.
As for innocent people being caught up in this… well… there were multiple entire species that had six fingers, it wasn't going to be enough to narrow down who I was dating. And if people attempt to capture an entire race of people based on some criteria like that… well, Time Baby would have an issue with it.
Essentially, I would be able to annoy Time Baby and set up something for the future.
...and if any idiot out there uses this to pretend to be my boyfriend, well… I wouldn't take kindly to that.
Either way, I hugged Kryptos and then pulled back. "So… ah… wanna go sing some karaoke with everyone?"
"...yeah, sure…" Kryptos sighed. I took his hand, squeezing gently, and led him over to the karaoke machine, one of several now. With its own semi-sound-proofed stall. Hey, I got permission to fix up the place after all. I could see some patrons carefully making their way down from the ceiling, clinging to the tables and chairs as they crawled. I wonder how they'll feel once they see what I did to the outside?
Keyhole saw us approaching and waved. "Have you two… ah… worked this out?"
"Who knows." I shrugged. After all, I've told Kryptos multiple times that I wasn't into him. Maybe it would finally stick this time? I could be optimistic if I wanted.
Lilie chose a song and everyone gasped as the stall we were in seemed to morph around us until we were in the music video. It was an illusion, yes, but it was still cool. Also, I wanted Lilie to have a good time. I felt bad for the terrible start to his and Teeth's anniversary.
We sang a few rounds, I might have been a little tipsy, but I didn't actually finish my drink, so I wasn't drunk, which was good. I did save the drink, send it back to the pantry at home to drink later. And once I made sure everyone had calmed down and were actually having fun, I asked about who wanted to split off to do what.
8-Ball glanced back over at the stage. He let out a whimper. "Can I? Would one of them want to come with me?" I shrugged. "You can ask."
He and Keyhole went over. A few of the 'cubi seemed interested enough. I glanced over at PaciFire and Hectorgon. "Do you two...?"
"As much as I'd like to get some…" PaciFire coughed, "I do not wish to do so with a stranger." Hectorgon nodded. "I as well." he brushed his mustache. "Besides, I'm getting on in years, don't really need it anymore."
"You've literally not aged a day since our Deal." I deadpanned. He shrugged. "It's the principal of the thing."
"You realize your internet search history shows-" Hectorgon waved his hands, turning a dark red. "Bill! It's fine! Even if I do want to get laid, doesn't mean I'd just go with someone here." he paused, looking like he just realized something. "We're not like Pyronica, who'll fuck and eat practically anyone." he explained. "Just because that's what happens when you and Pyronica have a girl's night out, doesn't mean a boy's night out has to include the same things."
"Ohhhhhh." I nodded. "Okay then." and I settled back on the bench, poking at the karaoke machine to see if there were any other songs I might like. "So what do you two wanna do?" I glanced over and Teeth and Lilie watching the dancers, cheering as they shifted from one form to another. Ok, not gonna lie, I was a little interested in that too.
"Well, there's the bounce-club… I've always wanted to go there…" PaciFire spoke up. "But the admissions fee is ridiculous."
"I can make my own bounce house for you."
"Kinda defeats the 'club' part." The demon imp gave me a grin. "But adding a bounce house to the Death Star would be fun." Hectorgon rubbed his chin. "You know… it's almost like adding so many things to the Death Star makes it so we have less reasons to ever have to leave to go out anywhere."
"I mean, it's convenient." I shrugged. And it appealed to the shut-in part of myself.
"Going out to socialize is important too."
"With who? These guys?" I waved my hand at the other patrons, who had gotten more used to the shifting gravity along the walls and ceiling. Some were actually playing with it now, jumping on the ceiling and trying to move the chairs and tables. The bartender hadn't said anything about all this, aside from giving me a long look during the time my friends and I were singing karaoke.
One of the other patrons waved a hand. "I mean, I for one, would like to socialize with you." the demon said. I blinked. "Why?"
"Uh… because I want to?" the demon shrugged. He was really tall, slimy and slug-like. "I mean, I grew up hearing stories about you. Can't blame a guy for being curious you know?" I saw that half of my party was still distracted. PaciFire and Hectorgon just shrugged. "What're you curious about?" I floated over to sit down at his table. Hectorgon and PaciFire followed.
The slug demon tilted his head. "I mean, some people say you used to be one of the baddest demons around."
I narrowed my eye, "Used to?" he quickly wiggled back and forth. "No offence or anything- and ah… not… to bring up any bad memories… but… you have been… different, since your… ah… that thing… happened…"
I sighed. "Ok, yeah. I've gone soft. Fuck it." I rested my elbow on the table and sighed again. "Won't stop me from destroying anyone if they tried something against me. Don't see why this is an issue."
"I wasn't saying it was." The slug demon was quick to say. "I'm just curious. I mean…" he extended his arm-like appendage to rub his side. "You're one of the oldest and most powerful demons in existence, right? So it's weird to think that even you can go soft."
I scoffed, you know what? Fuck it. "I'm the oldest demon in existence." I heard a few of the other patrons snorting. "Sure he is. Cipher's old, but he can't be that old."
"I mean," I shrugged. "What does my age have to do with whether or not I go soft? I'd say it's much more likely for that to happen if I'm older." I noticed a few people looking eager, as well as a trace of 'Maliciousness' in the air. "But conversely, I've gotten stronger." I added.
"Really?" One of the other demons chuckled. She got up and sauntered over. Ugh. Seriously? What is it with people trying to pick a fight with me? "If you're gonna try and mess with me, I'm going to have to do worse than petrifying you for a few minutes." I gave her a clear warning. Hectorgon sighed. PaciFire was staring her down. She laughed. "You just transform people. I've seen worse." She twitched her hand and her body stretched and shrunk, scales and feathers growing out before retreating. Oh, a shapeshifter, eh?
The bartender looked over again. "Kindly step outside first, Sherwan." Wow, so the regulars were the ones who wanted to mess with me? That or the Bartender just knew a lot of people by name.
I sighed. "You really wanna do this?"
"I think you're all talk." she smirked. I sighed again. "So… what do you want? Is this some fight to the death or something?"
"No killing. No fight, a contest! We find some backwater planet and see who destroys it in the most fun way." she cackled.
"Pass." I rolled my eye. "I don't enjoy destroying planets."
I could taste the incredulity in the air.
"...you ate a planet once." Sherwan deadpanned.
"Not by choice. Yeesh." I threw my hands in the air. "I eat a planet ONCE and NO ONE ever lets me live it down!"
"Wait… if you didn't want to eat them, then why did you?" slug-man (I really needed to look up his name… er… ⤀⟲ ok his name was a gesture you make by rotating your neck in a specific pattern. Well shit, I ain't got no neck. Guess I can't say his name then.)
"Uuuugh~" I felt sick just thinking about it. "Deadly, infectious virus infected planet. Had to eat it all to kill them before it spread."
Hectorgon and PaciFire stared, having never heard the full story behind it. "Wait, so… that's why you…"
"Couldn't you have made a cure or something?" PaciFire twitched.
"Viruses are difficult." I admitted. "They're not really alive, so I can't just 'kill' them. And even if I make a cure for one, they mutate really quickly. Different viruses can meet up and combine into something new. There are an unfathomable number of viruses everywhere, at all times-" I pointed at Sherwan, "You've got viruses ALL over and inside you right now!"
She actually shrieked and began slapping at herself, "Get them off! Get them ooooooff!" she wailed. I deadpanned, "You can't. Everywhere. Literally everywhere has viruses. But most of them don't actually affect you. They're essentially parasites, and they're specialized. Every virus has its own specialty, and sometimes it means a certain virus will only harm a specific species. And some can only infect a specific type of cell." I explained. "But some are more general, and can infect all sorts of species." I sighed. "And generally, all you'd need to do is let your body fight off the virus naturally, but if it's something deadly, then it becomes much harder to deal with." I shuddered. "And this one was deadly. Kinda made your entire body rot from the inside out because it was capable of infecting every type of cell. I'm talking organ failure, body parts decomposing while still attached to you, your mind deteriorating as the brain cells burst and all sorts of other nasty symptoms. Look, the point is, the most I could have done was seal off the planet to quarantine the inhabitants and let them all slowly die off until someone developed an immunity or they all died, but I didn't want them to suffer." I sighed. "And even if they all died off, the virus would still be around, on the planet. Waiting for anyone else to come in and be infected as well." I shook my head. "Even if I continued holding that planet under a bubble to prevent anyone from going near it, people are stupid and they'll try to find ways to get in. I couldn't risk that." I leaned back in my chair. "And I was still young back then, I didn't have enough power to find another solution." I hated that. Because I had a few ideas for solutions now. Things I could do now, that I couldn't do then.
Like taking everyone's Souls and Minds out and putting them into new, uninfected bodies outside the planet, then eating the empty planet. Then just build them a new planet. That would have worked. Sure I would have had to tear their Souls apart, but they would have grown back. A little damaged, sure, but at least they would have been alive! But I didn't have the power to do that. Not back then.
"But… didn't you… eat it? Wouldn't that mean…" a few patrons turned all sorts of colors as they backed away from me. "You're infected too?!"
I… couldn't believe this. I rubbed my eye. "That was LITERAL eons ago. If I was infected, I would have died ages ago. I'm immune."
"Huh? How?" They all stared, even my friends.
"Because a virus infects cells." I explained, "And I don't have any cells." I just… didn't. My triangle construct was essentially matter that was structured and shaped into being. It wasn't built by proteins in living cells that grew, replicated and died. It wasn't alive in a way that made conventional sense. My Core was a ball of Weirdness energy. Pure energy from my Self that converted from Weirdness into Thermal heat and then to Physical matter. Protons, neutrons, electrons- elements, molecules- a twisting, mutating black sludge of Matter with no inherent structure until I grabbed hold and clicked them together into the shapes I wanted. And that's not even counting all the elements that became stored inside me from breaking down any food I ate. Elements that could be further broken down into smaller and smaller parts until they could be converted back into pure energy. A shape like me was essentially just a Soul/Mind inside a shell that ate things to break them down into elements for use in building the shell larger. Ammy didn't have cells either. Nor any species that was crystalline or mineral based. Like Blue Rose, one of Jessie's shrine maidens, who looked like a flower but was actually a type of crystal.
"You… don't have…" They stared. One of the other demons nodded slowly. "I mean, he is a triangle."
"Look, the point is, I don't like destroying planets." I brought everyone back to the original subject. "Can't we just beat each other up?"
"What about just torturing some mortals?" she asked instead. I groaned. "I'm not into that kinda stuff. Torturing and killing mortals who can't even defend themselves is utterly pointless." I shrugged. It was fun for a while, maybe. But it was more sad than anything else. "How would that even show off how powerful we are?" I crossed my arms. "If you really wanted some kind of contest, you'd have to beat up something that might actually be a threat."
"Like a god?" Sherwan's grin actually stretched from the tops of her hairline, down to her chin and up the other side of her face. I blinked. "Depends on which one. Not all gods are powerful. Or combat capable." I narrowed my eye, "What's with all this 'fighting other things' thing? Are you afraid to face me directly?"
"""Oooooh~""" the other demons taunted.
"I'm not stupid enough to face you directly." Sherwan shrugged, extra arms rippling out from her sides to continue the shrug wave. "You ate a fucking planet.
"So you're afraid to fight me, but you're still picking a fight with me?"
"Because you've gone soft." she pointed a clawed finger at me. "And that's ridiculous! If you're really so powerful, why aren't you ruling over the multiverse or something? Why're you doing shit like raising kids and dating mortals?!"
I gave her a narrow eyed look. "Because that's just what I choose to do." I was getting annoyed now. "Taking over the multiverse would mean I have to actually govern the multiverse. And I ain't about that shit."
"But… slaves! You could have everything you want! You could get waited on, hand and foot!" another demon spoke up. I turned to him with an unimpressed look. "What would be the point of that?"
"Uhhh duh? The whole… having people serve you hand and foot?"
"Or you could eat them too? You eat people, right?"
"Absolute control over everything!"
"All the money!"
The other demons were all calling out with their own ideas of what I could do if I took over the multiverse. I clenched my fists. "Again, what would be the point of that?" PaciFire reached forward and tugged lightly on my leg. "Bill, you're… ah… burning."
I was. Shit. I shook my hands, waving the fire away. "What would be the point of all that? Why would I need any of that? I mean, having people serve me would get old, fast. I'd feel SO lazy if people did everything for me. What's the point of having riches and money if you already own everything? Absolute control just means absolute responsibility! And eating them-" I rubbed my eye, "If I wanted to eat people, I can literally create people-" I waved my hand and created a construct that looked just like Sherwan.
((((((((((((((((((((Warning for some graphic violence.))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Then I picked it up, as the construct screamed and struggled in my grasp (puppeted around by me, it didn't have a Soul OR a Mind or even a brain, so it wasn't a real person, it was just an empty body, a meat sack.) I placed my hand over it's muzzle, holding it shut and muffling it's screams, and twisted it all the way around twice. It's neck snapped with a resounding crack and it went limp. As it had fur, I raised my other hand and grasped onto it's back, pulling and tearing it's skin and fur off. I dropped them to the ground beside me with a 'shlop' sound.
((((((((((((((((((((It's safe-ish now.)))))))))))))))))))))
I twisted my bricks until they split open into a huge, tooth filled maw and tossed it in. I crunched down a few times, feeling (and hearing) the bones snap and the flesh squish between my teeth, before I closed my bricks back up. "-and eat as many of those as I wanted. And it wouldn't be a waste of the actual person! I could eat the people I wanted, over and over."
There was absolute silence in the bar. Aside from some of the karaoke machines playing random demon music.
"Holy shit he actually ate-"
Sherwan had turned a light green color.
I turned back to her, calm as can be. "See? This way, I get to eat you, and still have a conversation with you. Quite a lot better than simply going around eating people. I would get so very bored if I didn't have anyone to talk to, you know?" I nodded to myself. She looked disturbed by something. Weird, it's not like I ate her, just a copy of her. She's a damn demon, she shouldn't be so ruffled from something as simple as this! Show some backbone! Do none of these kids know anything about intimidation?!
"Anyway, I don't see a point in eating the originals of anyone in particular, since it's a waste of their existence. I mean, when people are alive, I can talk to them. Or play with them." I shrugged. "Killing people just means I have less entertainment. You don't know who might grow up to be a writer or artist or chef or scientist who could go on to create something new and exciting!" I gushed. "I told you, I'm pretty freaking old. All I have to look forward to is my entertainment."
PaciFire was burying his face in his hands. "Bill, should we just go?" I turned to him. "I don't mind. If anyone wants to leave, I can leave with you. She hasn't given me any real reason to stay and fight her." She didn't even want to fight me.
"You're fucked up." Sherwan told me. I blinked. "How so? You guys told me to eat people, I showed you how I prefer to do it." I looked around at them all. "What? You're upset from just that? You guys are the ones who want to do things like kill people or destroy an entire planet, and yet, killing and skinning my food is so disturbing to you?"
"Is that what you see us as? Food?" Slug man jiggled like jelly. I shrugged. "Nah, you're people. I mean, technically yeah, some of my food is people-" I waved my hands, "-not that I'm saying-" I winced. "People are entertainment. Food is food. Sometimes food is people but that doesn't mean I exclusively go after people as food-" the tension just got worse even though I was trying to explain that I wasn't going to eat them.
PaciFire tugged lightly on my leg. "Bill, we should go." And he began pulling me to the door, like a balloon. "Ok." I blinked before turning back to Sherwan and waving at her. "Guess we're not fighting. Byeeeee~"
Teeth and the others followed us out. I sighed, turning to 8-Ball and Keyhole. "Sorry you guys couldn't land a fling with the dancers."
Keyhole shrugged. "Eh, to be honest, the only one I was really interested in was that snake girl-" of fucking course.
8-Ball sent a longing look back at the bar. I reached out my hand to pat him. "Sorry buddy. You want a construct instead?" He quickly shook his head. Hectorgon sighed. "I can see why Pyronica likes them, considering she eats people and enjoys doing so."
Kryptos coughed, blushing heavily. Teeth nudged him. "Don't say a word." The Mouth muttered out the side of his mouth.
Lilie was trembling a little.
Why did I always mess stuff up? "Hey, I don't eat people I like. And I like you. If that makes you feel any better?"
Lilie relaxed a tiny bit. "It does help, actually."
"Don't worry. As long as Bill is well fed and happy, he's not dangerous at all." Teeth assured his boyfriend. "Speaking of which, how about the next stop on our boy's night out be a nice restaurant? Or a diner, I guess those places are open right now?"
"I didn't even kill anyone this time…" I muttered. Hectorgon reached up to pat my side. "We know Bill. You were very good today. You managed to keep your cool and refrained from killing anyone or setting the bar on fire. That's good."
"When you say it like that, I actually feel kinda like you think I do that every time we go out somewhere." I groaned.
"..." Said Hectorgon.
"..." Said Teeth.
"..." Said PaciFire.
"I mean… not every time…" Keyhole started to say before 8-Ball placed a hand on his shoulder and slowly shook his head. Keyhole coughed into his fist. "I mean, you only traumatized like… maybe three of those guys?"
I sighed. "Really. Kids these days just don't understand what psychological warfare is…" they were a disappointment, really. "You know," I said as our group began walking away. "Back in my day, the primordial gods and demons were all about shows of power and intimidation that didn't involve them even so much as touching their opponent!"
Kryptos looked quite interested to hear about it. Everyone else just groaned. "Oh here we go, Bill's gonna talk about the good old days…"
"Like there used to be cosmic horrors who'd simply exist nearby and you'd start melting! Or that one demonic entity that breathed a substance that cursed all your hair to turn into needles-" I gushed. "Demons used to be cool!" I paused. "But most of them are gone now… they just… faded from existence over time…" and that was just sad.
"Hey! There's an all you can eat potato-based restaurant!" Teeth said quickly. I gasped. "Really?!" I Flickered to check and-
"OMIGOSH!" I was buzzing. "There IS a potato based restaurant with an all you can eat option!" I cheered and twirled around in circles, at least until I got dizzy (which was pretty quick) and 8-Ball ended up carrying me the rest of the way. I was actually too full of energy to eat, but I sent a few waves off into the restaurant's pantry so they've got more than enough potatoes to last them a few years by the time we left.
And then I ate a year's worth of potatoes.
