Illusion is Reality

Chapter 142

-You pervert-

Being pregnant was… surprisingly nice. I mean, I didn't have the aches and pains and nausea that human women had, thank goodness for that. There was a little pain, mainly in my feet and back, but Fordsie took the time to give me a full body rub and massage when I felt especially shitty.

I will admit, my belly was growing a lot… faster than I thought. Shapes were small and nearly flat, so why was I getting so big? And it hadn't been too much of an issue up until my ultrasound. I stared at the sonogram and felt rather faint. Multiple babies was one thing, but somehow they seem to have absorbed Ford's DNA and were… humanoid. Well… fuck?

Okay, that's fine. It's not a problem. It's not, it's not, it's not-

Not shape babies, not like Ammy at all. Or… well, I didn't know yet. A new species, probably? Just like Ammy. Something new. Something I didn't know anything about.

I was trying very hard to not hyperventilate. Ok. Yes. I was panicking. But stress was bad for the babies! Ok. Calm down Bill. Calm… calm…

Yeah, I was hyperventilating. Ford told me to breathe. I'm trying!

Ok. Think about this carefully. Like Linda told me, take a step back and think about how I was feeling and (more importantly) why.

Once I understood my own emotions, I would be able to deal with them.

Ok… I can do this...

How was I feeling this fine day?

ScaredWorriedHappyTerrifiedWorriedWorriedWorried

Ok. That's… something. Time to break this down.

Scared. Because I didn't know what was happening inside my body. I didn't know what my children were, what they would need, what I had to do for them so they would be alive and healthy and safe-

...okay. That's. One thing. Yes. Ok. I just had to keep a close eye on them, see how they're doing. Be careful.

Worried. Because I didn't know what was going to happen. Not much different from the first point. But with an underlaying of 'Oh god, there are multiple lives who are now under my care and I am so not ready for this!'

Happy, because… yeah. I had babies. I MADE babies! They were alive and lovely and beautiful and-

Human.

Aaaaand that's what led into Terrified.

Human-ish? Truly, I don't know for sure what they are or aren't.

Which led into all the worry.

I managed to calm down somewhat once I made it all the way through my thought process.

Ok, good. I patted my belly. I heard Ford's words, "-your vessel more… stretchy?"

"Y-yeah, I can do that." I had to think about what I could and couldn't do.

But more importantly, I'm gonna have to tell Seb. Uuuuugh. I know I don't need his or mommy's permission to create children, but I guess I should have given them a head's up before all of this...

Well, everyone reacted about as well as I thought they would.

And life went on.

The baby shower came and went. Everyone was back to their own lives and work. Ford had to go back to work and I was left alone for most of the day. Getting hard to walk with this damn belly of mine. And I was left alone with just myself (and the babies).

I found myself just… lying in bed most of the time, rubbing my belly and being scared of the future. But I wanted to stop being scared of at least one thing in life so I would calm myself, singing to my kids, not sure if they would even hear or not. And then I would heave myself out of bed to go and do something, 'cause I was bored. The 'walking' part was getting harder. I could float myself, but I wanted to be careful. Also, I've been hungry as shit.

Soos and Melody learned to keep anything important away from me, in case I ate it. Like their new set of keys were no longer left on the kitchen table, for example. I didn't mean to eat their keys, I was just so hungry...

A small bit of good news was that quarantine starting up meant Soos couldn't work the Mr. Mystery gig anymore and therefore, I got to spend actual time with him. I found myself hanging out with him and Melody all day instead.

And it was great.

"The Dancing all Night games are cute, but ultimately worthless for lore. The one with the P4 cast at least had some plot but the newest ones are literally JUST for making more money, dood." Soos nodded sagely.

"I know, and it feels doubly offensive with the P3 cast since Minato's… like… DEAD in the canon timeline." I agreed.

Ford, back from work to have lunch here, stared back and forth between us. "Which anime is this?"

"It's a video game series." Melody giggled, holding Maria in her lap. I brightened. "Duuude~ we should totally do a playthrough of P5 with Ford~" Me and Soos cheered. "I've got a new game + save file!" Soos was so very proud of himself. I gave him a high five.

"...a video game?" Ford mused. He hadn't really gotten to play video games since… he was a kid, down at the arcade with his brothers. Well, there was that one time he tried out the arcades in another dimension, but that wasn't...

"It's a turn based RPG type of thing. So it's not too action-y. I'm… actually thinking that gameplay-wise, it's not to your taste." I hummed, thinking over what sorts of things Ford likes. "I think you'd like fighting games."

Ford had a cute little blush. "Well, I did beat Stanley all the time back when we were kids. But he'll insist he won."

"You three were so competitive." I rolled my eyes. "If you lost, just beat them next time." I laughed, "I mean, I lose to Teeth all the time!"

"...and did you beat him the next time?" Melody raised an amused eyebrow. I groaned, leaning back against the couch, pushing my belly into the air. "Noooo he's too good at it~"

There was pleasant laughter all around. And then I yelped, one of my hands going to my belly.

"Yun! Are you alright?" Ford was quick to kneel in front of me. I gave him a reassuring smile. "I'm fine. The little buggers are kicking." Ouch. Again? Settled down you bitch! I don't know which one of you that was, but fuck that! That was my stomach you asshole!

Whoever it was kicked me again, jerk. I wonder which one of us they got this from?

"Can I feel?" Ford asked. I nodded, shifting my weight (oof) to get a little more comfortable. How many pounds am I carrying here? He laid his hand on my belly and smiled when the little demons kicked again. Urgh. When one of them started up, the rest of them did too! Just… having a brawl in there aren't you? Little buggers.

"They're very active today."Ford noted. I huffed. "Yeah, I'm gonna have bruised insides at this rate." Ford's eyes went wide. "Do you need treatment?"

"I'm fiiiiine Fordsie." I groaned. What part of 'I'm immortal and have regenerative abilities' does he just not get? Seriously, he keeps trying to get me treated for any 'injury' even though I've told him that he shouldn't waste his supplies on me. I didn't like him wasting stuff on me. He still looked a little worried, running his hand down the curve of my belly, measuring how large it was. "...you are shapeshifting yourself stretchier, right?"

"I'm not gonna explode." I groaned. "And please don't put that idea in my head, I don't wanna think about something that scary." I shuddered. Ford looked a little ill himself. "...please be careful." he said finally. "I will~" I tried to lean forward and kiss his nose, but I grunted as my belly got in the way. Noooo~

And now Ford was laughing at meeeee!

"I bet you can't wait for them to get out?" He rubbed my belly. I laughed. "Well, being able to sleep on my front again would be nice." I joked. And then I sobered. "But once they're out… I won't be able to protect them from the world anymore."

"..." Ford took one of my hands. "You'll do fine. I know you will."

"How can you say that so easily?" I certainly didn't trust myself to be able to do a good job.

"Because even if you're not perfect, you always try. And besides, you won't be alone. Melody and Abuelita's here to give pointers." Ford looked up and Melody laughed. "Well, as a first time mom, I think I actually have less experience than you." she shrugged at me.

"Well, you've got more experience in terms of human-ish children." I smiled. "Isn't that right Maria?" I poked Maria's nose, she snorted and swatted at my hand. Hahahaa, so cute. "Oh, does this mean Maria's gonna be like a big cousin to them?" I wondered.

"Hm… I wouldn't mind. Maria needs social interaction with kids around her age." Melody agreed. "And I like big families myself."

"Woo!" I cheered, throwing all four arms in the air. "You hear that kids? One big sister figure all for you!"

"I've been teaching Maria some Spanish. You want me to teach your kids too?" Soos asked. I nodded with great enthusiasm. "Yes! I'm planning to teach them Cantonese as well. And Galactic Standard."

"What about Shape-ese? What was your language as a triangle?" Ford wondered. I paused. Could the babies, with their part human biology, still be like Shapes? And then my eyes went wide as something occurred to me. Something horrifying. I stared down at my belly.

"...please be human enough to understand music." I begged. It was bad enough that Zach, even though he was born human, still had trouble with music. I really couldn't stand it if my babies didn't either. I held onto the hope that they could. I mean, Ammy could sort of do music stuff. He recognized it at least. And was a pretty good dancer. I mean, his singing isn't the best, but at least he could-

"Mus- what?" Ford stared. "Flatlanders didn't have music?"

"Mine didn't. Blue's did." Ford seemed surprised by this. "Huh. He sings?"

"Dude, he loves music." I sighed. "Man, I miss being in Robbie's band." not that we were really a band, but it was sort of like a band?

"You were in a band? With… the Valentino kid?" Ford seemed so confused. "Not the one here, the one in Blue's 'set. He's actually a real nice kid. Grumpy, yes. But he's nice."

"There is so much about you I still don't know." Ford shook his head with a grin. "Pfff, of course!" I cackled. "I'm billions of years old after all. Sure, I disassociated or zoned out for most of it, but it still counts."

"Your lack of a physical body might have been part of that."

"Body shmody, don't need to have a body to disassociate from it." I mean, I suppose not having a body counted as being in a constant state of disassociation? Except I could be aware sometimes. Most times. I sighed. Melody patted my shoulder, making sure I saw her hand coming and waiting to see if I objected before she did so. "That sounds rough."

"Eh, it's… a thing." I shrugged. I winced as the babies kicked again. "I think they're hungry." I grunted as I pushed myself to my feet. Ugh, I was so heavy. Ford was by my side, steadying me. "I'm fine Ford~" I huffed. "Just need to eat a whale."

"I feel like that's a bad idea due to them being endangered." Ford pointed out.

"Pity, I've always wondered what they tasted like."

"Come on, I can make some meat loaf!" Ford looked so eager to make food for me. "I've been practicing." I purred, nuzzling against his side. "I can't wait to try it~"

Frankly, I wondered if Ford was trying to seduce me through cooking? He'll have to work pretty hard, since I've got billions of years of experience with cooking. Then again, so long as it's something new that I haven't tried before, a new combination of atoms, in a different ratio, that's all I really want. All I really needed.

...speaking of 'want' versus 'need'...

Ford lowered me into a chair. "Thanks Fordsie." I told him, even though I could have easily walked here on my own. I didn't need his help, but having it was nice. I was starting to realize a lot of things about Ford that I didn't… particularly need him for, but I liked having him, having those things that he gave me, even if I didn't really need them. I felt kinda bad, about the fact that I didn't particularly need Ford. I wanted him. He was mine. But I didn't need him, not really.

And part of me felt guilty about that. I kept these thoughts to myself for now, unsure how I would even begin talking about this with him. Ford bustled around the kitchen, mixing up his meatloaf and sticking it in the oven. He gave me plenty of snacks to tide me over while I waited. I nibbled on the chips, bread and fruit he handed me. Hm… they were going to need to go shopping again soon.

"Here you are, all the meaty nutrients a growing demon needs." Ford slid a rather large plate of meatloaf in front of me. The cheese was gooey and he even had sliced mushrooms all over it. He paused. "Are the children going to be demons?"

"Heck if I know." I reached for the food but I couldn't reach! My belly kept pushing against the table and- Ford patted my head. "Here, allow me." and he picked up the plate and used the side of the spoon to cut off a piece. He held it up to me and I blew on it softly before wrapping my mouth around the spoon, pulling back with the meatloaf in my mouth. Fordsie feeding me~ hehehehe I didn't really get the appeal, normally, but this was kinda fun.

I chewed and allowed the juices to squish out and coat my tongue. "Mmmm~" I moaned. Ford looked so proud of himself. "Good?" he asked. I purred in response, swallowing and opening my mouth with an, "Ahhh~" for the next bite. He chuckled as he scooped up another spoonful. "So, is this gonna be a 'thing' with us?" I asked after chewing and swallowing my next bite. Ford chuckled, "Well, I don't know, should it?"

"I like feeding you." I told him. "I think it's very cute." he ruffled my hair. "Well, I guess I don't mind this either. Not all the time, but every now and then would be fine."

With this matter decided on, I happily went back to eating. And as I did, my mind wandered. Shape babies built up their bodies internally and externally using the broken down atomic structure of the food we eat. But the children were part human, so they needed way more 'nutrients' than a shape baby would. Which explained why I was so hungry all the time. I could feel them draining what they needed from me, both from the food, and from my Weirdness.

Frankly, I was tired all the time. Ford helped me up and escorted me back to his room for my after lunch nap. "Thanks Fordsie." I groaned, lying down on the bed on my side. He sat down beside me, stroking his hand through my hair. "Do you need me to massage your feet?"

"Yeees please~ I'll love you forever~" I groaned, putting a hand on my belly and rubbing myself. Ok, stuff I've learned from my pregnancy, it kinda sucked. Those hentai doujins made it seem much more pleasant than it actually was. Well, I mean, it wasn't all bad. Having Ford pamper me was a plus. He lifted one of my feet, wrapping his hands around them and slowly rotating my ankle. I was watching him of course. Yes, I trusted him. But I still had to keep an eye on him. Still, I was able to get massages again. Not that I could fully relax during it, but it was a start.

I was so relaxed from it all that I fell right asleep.

I woke with a start. I blinked and shook myself off. Looks like I got bounced over to Xin's vessel. I yawned, the low sound rumbling through my long body. I finished stretching, flexing my feathers and got to my feet. Some children squealed as they rolled gently off me. Ah, they always climbed all over me while I slept. I didn't mind, and as long as they didn't get hurt, I let it go. Care Unit 14 was here to keep an eye on them anyway. I turned my head to see the kids picking themselves up off the sand and trying to climb back up my tail.

"Great dragon! You're awake!" one of the kids patted my side. "You've been so tired, are you ok?"

"I'm alright." I assured her as I began carefully picking my way between the kids milling around. "I'm with child." I explained. Some of the kids looked confused while the older ones gasped. "Wait! Really?!" ("Aren't you a boy dragon?")

"Male or female doesn't matter with dragons." I explained simply. "All that matters is magical power." the children all "Ooooh!"ed. "So there's going to be a baby dragon?"

"It's complicated. Well, I'm having children with my chosen human." I explained. One of the girls giggled. "The silly man? Who medical checked you?"

"Fordsie's a sweetheart, really. I don't… know what our baby is going to be though." I admitted. I know Blue would be upset that I'm being so open with my own worries and such with my worshippers, but I've always liked being more personal with them than not. I sighed, sitting down on my haunches at the water's edge, staring into the ocean. "I'm… worried." I admitted. "I'm so excited to have a child. But I'm so afraid."

The kids came up, one of the eldest, a teenager around 15 or so, patted my side. "Why are you afraid? You're going to take good care of them, and you'll be able to protect them from anything."

"I'm afraid of what they'll be like. They're going to be half human. I… I've had children before, not my own blood, but they were mine, just as you all are." I leaned down to nuzzle into his hair. "They were mortal. And I had to watch them all die before me." Maybe I shouldn't be telling my grievances to my very young worshippers. The 15 year old, Luis, hummed. "That must have been awful."

"It was. I still miss them." I whispered, ducking my head down as I hunched over.

Luis regarded me for a while before he reached up and flicked my snout. I yelped, bringing a paw up to caress my poor nose. Whhhhhhy~ I whined, a high pitched sound deep in my throat. He looked up at me, a stern look on his face. "I know that tone," he all but glared. "Some of the others… back when we were in those cages..." he took a step towards me and placed his hands on my face. "They sounded like that, before they..." he looked angry, but also strained. "You can't do that." he told me. "Not now, not ever."

I stared. He looked so angry and… worried. I leaned down, nuzzling my snout through his hair. "I'm sorry. It… must have been scary."

"You're not allowed to do that!" Luis continued, "Promise me you won't!"

"I..."

"Promise me! Promise US! We-" Luis shook. "You're our god. We need you."

"You won't always need me. Someday you'll grow up and leave me. Children always do. And that's fine. You have your whole lives to live. You've got so many wonderful things to do."

Luis glared. "Do we have to leave when we're grown up?"

"No. This is your home. You can come and go as you please, once it's safe out there for you."

"Then I won't leave." he told me. I sighed, even as I smiled. "That's a sweet thought. But someday you'll want to venture out and see the world, wouldn't you?"

He patted my face. "I'll still come back. You're my god, I love you." the surge of worship made my head spin. More so when the other children, who'd been quiet listening all this time began to go up to pet my side as well. ("I love you too!" "Me too!" "You're our dragon!" "Savior!" "Best dragon!") "Luis..." should I ask? Should I even dare to? He was still a child. They all were.

"I know I shouldn't." I tilted my head back, looking at the ocean once more. "Everyone I love will leave me someday. Mortals always do." I paused. "Well, I suppose my dad won't. He's the most powerful god in all the world." And Blue claimed he would never die and leave me. But I haven't been able to see him in years. So isn't it the same thing as him leaving me anyway? Ugh, the thought just made me feel worse.

"Is he a dragon too?"

I chuckled. "Nah, he's actually an Axolotl."

The children stared. "...you mean the salamander?"

"Yup. He's all pink and squishy!" I realized the children's confusion. "He's not my blood father. He's an elder god who took me in, back when I first ascended into god-hood. I call him dad."

"You weren't always a god?" one of the girls gasped. I chuckled. "I was mortal once, a long… long time ago."

"Can anyone become a god?" Luis asked. I shrugged. "Technically, yeah. But it's rare. And even if you did, you have to die first." I frowned at them. "And I don't want any of you to go off and do that."

"But could we become gods, so we can stay with you?" Luis pressed. I sighed. "Being immortal is hard. I don't know if you'd be able to handle it. I mean, I'm just 700 billion years old, and I'm already exhausted."

"You can't be that old! The universe isn't even that old!" one of the other kids protested. I huffed. "I've told you, I'm not from this universe." or dimension, or set or… well, anything.

That seemed to blow their minds. "So you..."

I rose to my feet. "I," I said firmly, "-was there when the universe began. I watched the stars as they were born. I watched the planets form. I watched life as it first began." I rumbled. "And someday, I will watch it all end." The universe will end, eventually. Unless I kept generating and feeding energy into it, to keep it all going. Unless I grabbed onto reality and stopped space from expanding, to stop the energy from being spread farther and farther until life began to struggle. Well, unless I pulled it all back in some wrong way and caused all of reality to collapse into itself. But I didn't want to do that, it would suck if I fucked things up that badly.

"...that sounds scary..." one of the boys whimpered. I leaned back down to nuzzle him. "It's not scary. It's… lonely."

"Is that why you..." Luis frowned. I shook my head. "As awful as that is, what hurts more is loving someone with all my heart, and have it all torn away from me." I shuddered. "I'm so happy to have a child. But I'm so afraid. I've been hurt before, and yet, here I am, setting myself up to hurt again. Always. I keep doing it. I keep falling in love with people, and then losing them." Pyronica and the others were mine, and they wouldn't age, but I wouldn't trap them, I wouldn't take their choice away. If they ever wanted to die, if they wanted to leave me, I won't stop them. And as much as I loved them, part of me still couldn't help but believe that they too, would leave me someday. I repeated this to myself, over and over against my will, these awful thoughts and fears of-

I know I shouldn't be thinking this. Xanthar had been with me for millions of years. He hasn't gotten bored yet. I should be confident that he wouldn't ever get bored or tired enough to… but a few million wasn't the same as eternity. He has me and the others. But he's also got everyone else in the multiverse to interact with if he wanted. But eternity would mean the eventual extinction of life forms. Once all the world ends and there was no one left but me and the rest of us, how would he feel?

All my Friends were happy to be with me. But they all had their own lives outside of me. They needed more than just me, just as I needed more than just them. Xanthar had Queen. Pyronica had her many lovers (and meals) as well as the noise of the crowd, the dance clubs and press of strangers (she wanted to be around others). Ammy… well, he was so curious about everything, he'd get super bored if there was no one for him to mess with. Teeth had his stage, his audience and now, his boyfriend. Kryptos wants to lord his power over someone, which he was never going to get with US. Hectorgon might actually be able to handle having no one but the rest of us for all eternity, until he gets frustrated with us (there were only so many times we could play Maids before we got tired of it). Keyhole and PaciFire were others that I thought might be able to handle eternity, until they got tired of it. 8-Ball would probably not even notice, I almost envied his simple mindedness. Facey literally came to me because they didn't want to die, so at the very least, they might be able to...

...I admit, part of my fears were due to thinking that my friends would get sick of being around me eventually. I know they loved me. But that didn't stop the fears from jabbing at me, the doubt was painful.

"-reat dragon? Great dragon? Xin!" I jolted out of my thoughts. Luis was rubbing my side. "You were lost in thought." he huffed once I focused on him. "Sorry, I was lost in thought."

"Were you thinking of the people you've lost?"

"I'm thinking of the people I will lose. I don't want to feel that. But I'm so scared." Luis and the others patted my sides. "So, are you scared that you'll love your new baby and then they'll die too?" he asked. I nodded.

"You can fall in love again." he told me. "And even if the world ends, you're a god. You can make a new world." I blinked at him. "I'm-" I snorted. "I suppose you're right." I didn't really want to argue. And I wasn't nearly as confidant in this subject as he seemed to be. But it was a nice thought.

"Thank you, I will try to take your advice." I snuffled against the children. They were going to grow up. And then leave. And I was trying very hard to be ok with that. Because they had their whole lives ahead of them. I want them to be able to live to their fullest, doing whatever gave them joy in this world.

Someday, my own babies would do that too. They were going to be born, they were going to grow up. And they were going to move out, leave me, just as Pyrone, Penelope and Quackers did. Because they had their own lives they wanted to live, and I wasn't going to stop them from doing so. I wouldn't mind if any of my kids wanted to live with me forever, in fact I'd welcome it. But if they don't, I couldn't stop them.

"I guess even a god has issues." Luis pouted. I laughed at that. "Yeah, everyone does. God or mortal. We're all People in the end, after all." I huffed. "My therapist is trying to help me learn how to handle my own feelings on this matter."

"...even gods can have therapy..." he sounded so disbelieving.

"Word to the wise, kid. Everyone needs therapy. Especially in this world, at this time, with all the sh-stuff that's going on."

Luis seemed to think about this really hard. "So this isn't normal?"

"Nothing's normal, but what happened to you all is definitely not something that should have happened." I sighed. "I want… I want my children to be born into a world where things like that wouldn't happen. I want a world where children can grow up happy, and safe." So they could live as long as possible. And I wanted to help that happen.

"...I want that too." "Me too." "Yeah, that would be awesome!" I snorted at the children's input. "Yeah. But it'll be hard to make a world like that. The corrupt grown ups control the world, the rich ones exploit it. And they don't want other people to be happy if it would bother them. If we want to change anything, we'll all need to work hard for it."

Luis thought about it. "When I grow up, I want to help people." I nodded. "That's a beautiful goal."

But I had some stuff to think about. About falling in love again, even if things were hard in the moment, when I lose someone. Well, I wasn't making these babies because I planned to replace Pyrone and the others. I wanted them because I wanted them.

Even if it was an accident that they would end up the way they are.

Eventually, I got up to leave, flying off and away. I had to check on my other Islands after all. And then… and then I was going to sleep some more.

Even with the worship, I was still tired.

Uhhh, I wanted my children to be born already!