New chapter, new struggles, new -wait what? lol enjoy! Stay safe guys.
Soundtrack for the beginning and second half definitely is Breaking Benjamin- Unknown Soldier
Chapter 45
I'm dead, Renji thought as he cracked one eye open to see the purple sky still firmly in place, I'm dead and I'm in hell.
[You deserve to be in hell.]
Renji winced as Rukia's harsh voice, laden with pain and anger seemed to scream at him from all sides. He clamped his hands over his ears and squeezed his eyes shut, only to let out a roar of agony and pain like fire coursed over his back.
[You think that can stop me?]
Her voice mocked him.
[I'm in your head,] it sing-songed, [I AM your mind.]
This wasn't just pain. His back and the unhealing slashes were pain- but this wasn't just pain. This was utter anguish. Surrounded by her eyes where once blue skies had been his salvation. Belittled by a voice that had once held warmth. Betrayed by a body that had once been so strong.
[You really are a hopeless case,] her voice echoed again, [Poor, pitiful Renji. Too afraid to do anything to help yourself. Rukia destroyed this… Byakuya caused that… YOU locked yourself in here!]
Renji gritted his teeth harder against the noise of her voice that drowned out even the shrieking hollows that seemed to wheel in the sky just out of his vision. Couldn't one just come down and end his misery?
[They will never save you, Renji,] the voice was almost sweet, [Nothing can save you from your own guilt. You are hopeless. Pathetic.]
Mara… Ippin… "I did this for her!" he yelled back at nothing, "That's not pathetic! That's love!"
[Love for someone who doesn't love you? Who never will? Ha!] Rukia laughed, [Not only are you a dog that can't jump, but it looks like you only know one trick, too.]
"Shut up," he mumbled, closing his eyes tighter.
[She will never love you, she will never love you.] Rukia's voice sang at him.
"She will," Renji argued, "She may still, she just doesn't know it."
[Sad, sad Renji. She has had enough memories; she knows how she used to feel. She just doesn't want you.]
"SHUT UP!" Renji roared, jolting with a hiss of pain.
[This is your hell,] Rukia's voice came calmly, [You make this place, and I can only say what you already know.]
"Lies," Renji whimpered, curling into a ball on the stone courtyard of the café, now empty and devoid of life save for him and the hollows circling like vultures. "All you did was lie to me."
Renji closed his eyes, trying to will away the nightmares around him with images of Mara's face and the sound of her laugh. Slowly he relaxed, forgetting Rukia as he pictured the café where he lay as it used to be. Blue skies. Ippin.
[WAKE UP!]
Renji started with a jump that uncurled his tall body and landed him on his back with a scream of pain.
[That's more like it!] Rukia laughed out, [You don't get to escape! How many years did you torture me with promises of help and care just to fail? I'm going to give it right back with interest!]
Renji clamped his hands over his ears and his eyes shut as if it could save him from the echoing laughter and unending pain.
This was most definitely hell.
.
.
Bracing her hands on Grimmjow's bedframe, Mara took another deep breath and closed her eyes. Would the insanity never end, she wondered as she tossed yet another empty syringe of sedative into the open bin across the room.
Hobbling with the effort it took just to move, she went to grab the thermometer to do Hisagi's next temperature check. He was wavering between having a low-grade fever or not and she was worried about infection. At least he was healing some, scabbing over, and would come to consciousness in between pain meds.
Renji's now familiar rietsu pulsed against her, reminding her of the one who had yet to wake up. The only indication that something was working in his mind was the ebb and flow of his rietsu as it played along to something in his mind. His body was healing well, if not better, than Hisagi's but there seemed to be no hope in waking him. He had to do that himself.
Grimmjow's echoing growl reverberated through the room, but a glance showed Mara that he was indeed still asleep. It was a relief. Every time his eyes opened, they were more wild. He seemed nearly feral this last time as he couldn't manage to even get out words, but followed her every move with disconcerting focus, straining against the bandages she had tightened around his limbs to keep him still to heal.
Making her way across the room, Mara winced as her back and knees emitted a series of painful pops.
Beep! Beep! Beep!
It was just a brief moment but Mara caught herself standing still and looking for the machine emitting the noise. It wasn't one of these IV machines, was it? Just to reassure herself, she did another quick round of the room, making sure that all the IV machines were fine… but she could swear that she had heard beeping and the room had dimmed for a moment.
Weird.
Settling herself on her trusty stool, this time next to Renji's bed, Mara leaned her head on the mattress and began tracing the tattoos up his forearm and bicep until his rietsu waned again. Her touch seemed to ease him in some way, or at least she hoped it did. Mara could feel her eyes closing against her will as she inhaled the scent of cinnamon that somehow still clung to the large man.
No sooner had her eyes closed than she popped back upright to the sound of approaching footsteps in the hallway. Wiping the fatigue from her eyes, she sat up straight and ready. She never seemed to know who was going to walk through that door, but Captain Unohana had been an excellent gatekeeper. She would have to thank her for that.
Mara's posture relaxed and she let out a sigh as Kira and Mei rounded the doorway. What looked an awful lot like pity was painted on their features and Mara rolled her eyes.
"I don't know why you are looking at me like that when they are the ones who are hurt," she quipped dryly.
"It's not pity," Kira said directly, taking in the dark shadows around Mara's eyes, "It's concern."
"Again-," Mara started, completing her statement with a broad sweep of her arm at the men around her.
Mei looked on worriedly as Mara leaned back against Renji's bed. She had easily dropped five pounds in the last days and looked ready to keel over. Her hair was unruly, her face gaunt.
"Mara-sama," Mei asked softly, "when was the last time you slept."
"I don't know," Mara said exasperated, blowing a rogue strand of hair off her face, "Yesterday sometime. I'm fine."
"You mean that 12-minute catnap that you took on your stool against a wall until you fell off of it?" Kira asked, sarcasm heavy in his tone, "That is not sleeping."
"You are running yourself ragged, Mara-sama," Mei admonished, "you have been at this with them for five days straight. You need to sleep."
"But they-"
"They will be fine," Kira assured her.
"No," Mara said, rising to her feet, "They are not fine. Renji and Hisagi are healing but Hisagi seems to be fighting a fever. Renji hasn't woken up at all! On the flip side, Grimmjow isn't healing, but he wakes up every hour like a beast. There isn't enough sedative in this world for him and we don't why. So, no, I can't just stop and sleep. I have to take care of them. I have to find out what's going on with Grimm and somehow reach Renji. If all you are here to do is tell me to sleep then-"
"Koi," came a mumble from Hisagi's bed, followed by a hiss as he turned his head to face the trio, "go to sleep. You won't be able to help any of us if you die of exhaustion."
"That is not a thing," Mara snapped back.
"It is," Hisagi groaned, "Go to sleep."
Mara blinked at him. "You are the one who should be sleeping," she said softly.
"I do," he sassed back.
"Shuu, I've got to-"
"I heard," he said wryly, "It's the cuffs."
"What?" Mara asked blinking at him again.
"Grimmjow," he explained, closing his eyes as he spoke, "The cuffs are sapping all his power. He can't heal or absorb reishi and the hollow in him is getting hungry. Mayuri used to torture him like that when he was a prisoner. That's how he got the scars."
"Oh shit," Mara breathed, turning to look at Kira and Mei, "We need to find a way to get those off of him. Right now."
"They can do it," Hisagi sighed, struggling to stay up, "You sleep. Now."
"You heard him, Mara," Kira said with a frown, "We can take care of the men, get someone to communicate with Mayuri, and you go find a bed and sleep."
"I'm not leaving them," Mara said stubbornly.
"Mara-"
"Kira! I am NOT leaving them," she cut him off.
"You are impossible," Mei said, stomping out of the room, reappearing a moment later pushing yet another hospital bed. Wordlessly she pushed Hisagi's bed and IV over and shoved the new bed in the middle of the room next to Mara before sliding Hisagi back in place.
"That… will work," Mara stammered out in response to Mei's pointed look and raised brow.
"Good," Hisagi sighed, cracking open his storm cloud eyes for just a moment, "Now sleep."
"Yes, sir," Mara whispered as she bent to kiss his cheek, earning a soft smile.
Her eyes were already falling closed just with the turning off of the lights as Mei donned a coat and armed herself with syringes of sedatives and pain killers. Climbing under the sheet, Mara was out like a light before Kira had even turned to rush away.
.
.
Mara stared around the strange, yet eerily familiar empty streets of the dark city. Every time she had managed to snag a short nap, she had wound up here. The signs around the city were written in Japanese, but no lights were on, no neon glowed in welcome. The sky was black and starless, but she could see what looked like the edge of sunrise off to the east.
Each time she had tried to wander and explore but was stopped in her tracks by the most horrendous sounds. From earth-shaking landings to shrieks that grated like gravel, it became very clear, very quickly, that monsters were hiding in the darkness. Standing still didn't help either as scuttling and screams seemed to approach from all sides. So, this time, Mara began walking toward the light.
The shuffling and growls followed her, seeming to gain ground as she fled toward the safety of the sunrise. Breaking into a run, Mara could feel her lungs burning. The shrieks grew louder, and she pushed harder, until finally she burst through a hedgerow into blessed sun and silence.
Her labored panting couldn't stop Mara from gasping as she saw the picturesque view of the café terrace overlooking the river. The sun barely pierced the edge of the horizon, washing the whole sky in a lovely lavender. The still air made the world seem to be holding its breath in anticipation of her approval of the beauty hidden from the masses of danger outside.
The colors were so vibrant and bright against the night she had just come from that it painted the world in chiaroscuro. Her eyes almost hurt taking in the brightness- purple sky, green grass and trees, white terrace, blue café, blood red figure…
Squinting, Mara slowly walked up to the café as she examined the red heap on the ground. She froze as the figure moved, peering with dark eyes in her direction. She could recognize that color, that look, anywhere.
Blood red. Piercing eyes. Remember.
"Oh… FUCK!" Mara yelled, breaking into a sprint, "Renji!"
Drawing closer, she could see Renji's eyes widen before he covered his face with his hands and curling in on himself with an audible moan.
"No… no," he mumbled as she dropped to her knees beside him.
"Fuckin'- shit!" she stuttered, "what the hell happened?"
"Nh-nn," Renji seemed to grumble to himself, shaking his head with his face still covered, "No no no no no…"
"Renji, shh, it's okay," Mara tried to whisper to him gently, sweeping his hair from his face, "What happened? Why are you like this?"
"Ha!" Renji finally let out a sardonic laugh though his hands stayed put, "Happened? This is hell. Welcome to hell."
"Renji," Mara cooed, sliding her legs under his head to support it so she could gently try to pry his hands from his face, "the outskirts of your little town here may be creepy but how is this hell? And why is your back bleeding again?"
"Fuck my back!" Renji exclaimed, finally dropping his hands to look up at Mara with wild eyes, "What's my name?!"
"A-Abarai Renji," she stammered, "I've been saying if for-"
But Mara couldn't finish her sentence over Renji's loud cough of a laugh- or was it a sob? "No! Please," he said in desperation, "What do you call me?"
"Renji," Mara replied brow furrowed in confusion.
Closing his eyes in surrender, Renji let out a shuddering sigh. "Yup, hell." Despite his harsh tone and hopeless words, Mara noticed that it didn't keep him from clinging to her, arm wrapped around her hips and knees so that she couldn't move from under him.
"How does my calling you Renji make this hell?" she asked gently, running her nails through the roots of his hair and feeling his gasping breath start to slow.
"Only in hell could even my imagination make a you that doesn't remember me," he said sorrowfully, finally dropping his hands, though his eyes stayed shut.
Mara couldn't help but be even more confused as she looked around at this world then down at her own hands. She was real all right… was this world not?
"Renji, this isn't hell," she whispered gently to him as she stroked his hair and traced the tattoos that lead back from his forehead.
"Don't call me that then," he grumbled.
"Then what am I supposed to call you?" Mara asked him gently.
"That is why this is definitely hell," Renji said firmly, squeezing her closer even as he grimaced in pain with the movement.
[Told you she doesn't love you,] Rukia seemed to whisper in his ear, as though his Ippin could overhear, [she doesn't care].
Growling at the air, Renji grasped her tighter under him, ignoring the searing pain in favor of whatever false comfort this hallucination could give him.
"Easy there, big guy," she warned him as she delicately pushed on his shoulders to get him to ease without touching his macerated back.
"Don't call me that either. God dammit!" Frustrated, Renji turned his face into her lap. How could she not know? He had imagined her here, some respite from the torture but this… this was more of the same.
"Stop that!" Mara scolded him, opting to push on his biceps instead in an attempt to slacken his iron hold, "You are asleep, dammit, not in hell. And back in that world, I am desperately trying to heal you. Quit fucking up your back even more!"
Renji's eyes flew open and he slanted a look up at Mara's annoyed face. "Asleep?" he questioned, incredulous of this apparition's apparent knowledge of the world.
"Yes," she huffed with a smile, "Asleep. I have been wondering how to wake you up since you have been out for five freaking days, but now I know you are here, so… wake up."
[Yeah, wake up, Abarai.}
"Shut up… Liar," Renji said with a disgruntled snort. That couldn't be true. She was just a figment of his own psyche here in hell, how would she know?
Mara's encouraging smile dropped from her face replaced with a downturned frown. "I do not lie."
"You used to not," he agreed gruffly, watching closely to see if the girl he imagined would slip up. What else should he expect from this apparent infernal nightmare but for even this small bright spot to not really be his Ippin.
To his surprise, Mara furrowed her brow in thought, face growing somber. "That's true," she said quietly, "It's hard not to use it as some kind of defense mechanism in Soul Society, even if I only really fall in the lies of omission area."
"Why are you being so damn candid, now?" he asked her, doubt still slanting his words into a snarl.
"Because I am trying to help you," Mara said automatically, though her eyes didn't reach his and he squeezed her again to get her attention. "Stop that," she ordered with a stern look.
"Why?"
"I just told you that I am trying to help you!" Mara lectured, "Five days, Renji. Five days I have been laboring over these damn lash injuries just for you to muss them up. I'll be lucky to save any fucking skin, let alone even a semblance of your tattoos."
"Why would it matter?" he asked softly, reaching to grab her wrist and pull it in front of his eyes. His face was somber and painted in pain as he flicked his eyes to her and ran his thumb over the small design that she had put there for him. "You used to know all my tattoos. Now you only know this bit."
Reaching over to his bicep, Mara began tracing the designs slowly up to his shoulder. "I still know them," she told him, "I've actually drawn them since I've been in Soul Society. I just didn't know that I knew them so well until I saw you take your top off at the post."
Renji simply raised his eyebrow in doubt.
"Seriously," Mara said, pitching her voice in an attempt to convince him that she could speak the truth. "This line goes to your chest," she said distractedly, following a bold stroke until it disappeared under him and back, "and this one led to the patterns across your back and would curve up here- Shit!"
Mara yanked her hand away as she realized she had accidently drug her finger across the edge of his wound. "I'm sorry, I was looking at you not my hand!" she tried to explain to a confused looking Renji, "I didn't mean to poke your- did it hurt?"
"Nooo…" Renji drew out, "Nothing hurt."
"What?" Mara questioned, echoing his confusion as she looked at her fingers, expecting blood on them. There was none. Gingerly leaning forward, Mara peered at the edge of where she touched and gasped.
"What is it?" Renji grumbled.
With a featherlight touch, Mara gently ran just the tip of her finger over the black-inked skin that had appeared where she had touched. The edge of his destroyed tattoo. "It… it came back?" she said, mostly to herself, "it's like it healed when I touched it."
"Well, shit, do it again!" Renji ordered, arching up so that her fingers slid across more of the torn flesh before he gasped in pain and Mara pulled away her bloody hand.
"Oh my god, Renji, do you think before you act?" Mara squeaked, rubbing her now bloody fingers on her shirt to clean them off.
"Not generally," Renji said wryly, "and don't call me that. Why didn't it work? If you are a figment of my imagination, it should work when I order it to."
"Maybe I'm not your imagination," Mara said sarcastically, "and I think… I think it healed because I was remembering. I think it used that power."
"Uh-huh," Renji grunted before mumbling to himself, "Not a real person, not a real power. Just hell playing with my hope again."
"Stubborn ass," Mara pointedly whispered, "Now stay still."
Starting at his bicep again, Mara began tracing the design as it led to his back, letting her muscles guide her through well known strokes instead of her mind. The interlocking but separate design, the long lines and stripes… She closed her eyes and felt the warmth of her rietsu flowing into her fingertips and let it carry her and her movements.
Renji let out a long but quiet sigh of relief. Imagination or not, this Ippin was bringing sweet relief and he struggled not to stretch and flex as the pain ebbed leaving a dull tingle in its wake. His eyes shot open and he looked up to see Mara's face peaceful but taut in concentration. Swirls of blue and green lifted tendrils of her hair in an ethereal dance and he could practically smell the ocean as her rietsu pushed against him in gentle waves. This was her rietsu. Was this only a dream? Could she be real in his dream or did he just remember this feeling that well?
Slowly Mara opened her eyes and surveyed her work. There were still patched of destroyed flesh but the tattoos and skin around them were bold and healed in place. "It's better," she told him encouragingly, "There's still patches where there aren't tattoos that I- they still need to heal but we saved the art."
"So you do remember," Renji said lowly catching her hand as it combed through his hair.
"Not in full I don't," she shot him a sad look before looking over the water, "but I know those marks. I know them better than I even know myself some days."
Close your eyes," he told her, earning a wary look, "I just want to try something."
With a sigh, Mara gave him a small nod and closed her eyes. Loosening his hold on her hand, Renji gently guided her finger's into stroking through the long strands of his hair where they splayed across her lap.
"Keep doing that," he said softly, releasing her hands.
"Is this just a way to get me to play with your hair?" Mara quipped cracking an eye to look down at Renji's peaceful yet pensive face.
"No, now shut your eyes," he said with annoyance, "just keep doing that."
Obligingly, Mara sat in silence with him, running her fingers through his long hair. Eventually she brought her other hand up to comb to until she split a small section of his hair for braiding. Renji's deep rumble of approval and tight squeeze when her nails raked his scalp made her smile.
"Did you like that?" she asked him with a giggle, pulling gently on the strand of hair she held.
Careful to monitor his response to 'play along' as he had learned, Renji turned a crooked smile at Mara, whose eyes were glowing above him. Bingo. "You know I do," he told her in a sultry groan.
Looking over the water, Mara luxuriated at the feel of the sun's warmth on her face. The bright sky seemed to reflect off Renji's vibrant hair spread over her lap from where his head rested. This was the life.
In a comfortable silence, they could just enjoy each other. With childlike joy, she began to braid his red hair, marveling at its tone as it slipped over her fingers and tried to weave with her own bright blue curl that had slipped over her shoulder.
Surreptitiously, Renji looked up to see Mara's eyes far away and distant as she looked down at him, despite her rapid braiding. Granted, he was hoping that leading her down the track of remembering the feel of him could lead to her finishing the healing, for her ease as much as his, but Renji couldn't help the hope that welled in him. It wasn't hard to connect the dots to the type of memory she was in now, but which one was the question. How far would this carry her?
"I know you don't like it, but the sunrise here really is beautiful," Mara said thoughtfully, "but there is something amazing about the shining sky in the morning. It puts you in technicolor."
Slowly pulling out the braid she had finished, Mara let her hand drift from the ends of his hair, over his strong shoulders to his back in his undershirt.
"I still think it's crazy that this gigai perfectly matches you," she said as she followed the slightly exposed scrollwork at the top of his back.
I remember that morning, Renji thought, as if I could forget any of them. Carefully, he sat up, making sure to not give away the pain of the unhealed spots with an extra sound. Waiting a second, he lowered himself back to her lap and spread his hair out again.
"What are you doing!" Mara squeaked as Renji sat up and divested of his shirt in one smooth movement before settling himself back down, head in her lap and arms wrapped loosely around her hips. "They will arrest you for indecency?"
"That's not a thing," Renji said with a smug smile. Mara's hand was already retracing the tattoos at his shoulder before smoothing over his back, taking pain with it.
"It is so a thing."
Her argument was less than convincing, however, as she was distracted by the perfection of the man reclining next to her. His skin seamed to gleam in the light and Mara was drawn to touch. The scent of cinnamon washed over her as she traced his bold tattoos and then stroked down the taut muscles in his back. At his answering groan of approval, she began to knead down his spine as much as her weakened fingers could.
"You'll wear yourself out, Ippin," Renji warned her, his concern real as he wondered how much power she was outputting for him to continue this but he didn't know how to get her out of it. Or if he really wanted to.
"Worth it," she said with a wry grin, "I find I can't get enough of you so I may as well keep going until I drop."
"Get a room!"
Mara and Renji both turned a glare on the passing teenager that had called them out before they both busted out laughing. Raising himself back up, looking every inch the feral beast with his toned body on display and spark in his eye, Renji leaned forward on one arm, reaching up to cup her jaw with the other.
"We should definitely do what he suggested," Renji told her, bringing his mouth a hairs breadth from hers."
"Definitely," Mara said with a small nod bringing her lips to his in the briefest of presses.
"Ippin," he nearly growled.
"Mara," Renji said breathlessly. Why the hell was he trying to jog her out of her stupor now? Renji cursed himself even as he knew it was the right thing to do. "Mara!"
With a snap, the amber in her eyes jolted to normal and her rietsu cleared the area. Mara looked frantically around with her eyes before she realized that Renji still held her jaw and was only inches away.
"Really!?" Mara raged at him, yanking her chin from his grasp, "Well played, Renji, you almost got there. I am legitimately trying to help you and you-"
Face darkening, it was Renji's turn to cut her off with a scowl. "I," he emphasized, "did get there! Fucking look!"
With that he turned to show her his back. Fresh new skin covered the expanse of it, completely healed from her probative touch carrying from memory to the present.
Mara's harsh words died on her lips as she saw what he had actually been building her to. "Holy shit," she whispered as she ran her fingertips over the smooth skin, causing Renji to stiffen and goosebumps to spread from her touch.
"That was my thought to," he agreed softly, remaining still for her explanation, "other than the one where I deliberately broke the memory to keep you from doing something I know you'll regret."
Mara stopped her perusal in its track, her palm resting cool against his hot skin. Why could she only seem to expect the worst from him, she wondered, when time again he proved himself. Brave, gentle, strong, caring, and above all in it for her. Why did she keep maligning him?
"I'm sorry," she whispered sliding up closer to his back. Tentatively, she rose to her knees, accommodating for his height, and wrapped her arms around his shoulders from the back in a hug. "I shouldn't doubt you at his point… I know I shouldn't," she began in a nervous ramble, "I just- I don't- I keep expecting you to just keep taking from me in some way like everyone else here and I don't know why. I just got so angry because I thought- but you weren't. And maybe I was angry at me because I was so outraged over something that I think I actually- Dammit! I-"
"Ippin," Renji said lowly, stopping her tangent as he turned his head, landing his lips directly next to hers again as he held her arms in place with a hand, "'Something you actually' what?"
