Chapter 58. So Gently Now
"Henry…" Kate maintains some distance as she walks around the backyard, knowing it will only be a matter of seconds before her little brother slams his dinosaur-patterned rain boots into a puddle as hard as he can. It isn't raining at the moment, so maybe instead of putting her umbrella aside she can use it as a shield like Wonder Woman, but she suspects her dad will tell her she's going to poke someone's eye out if she holds it like that. Kate wants to jump in puddles too, but she just doesn't really want Henry splattering mud and water all over her. The goal is always to get Mom and Dad wet, not each other, but Henry doesn't really understand this yet. "What animal is on my umbrella?" Kate asks when Henry peeks up at her. She shows him the animal face carved on the wooden handle.
"Fa-lingo!" Henry calls out brightly.
"Yeah…" Kate glances at her father and smirks. "A flamingo." She sounds the word out slowly, but does not correct Henry's pronunciation. Mark nods appreciatively; it took a while for Kate to understand how to nicely handle toddler word flubs.
Mark accepts the umbrella his daughter gives him to hold on to, and then he edges closer to where the kids are playing. Admittedly, jumping in puddles – or, more accurately in his case, just enduring the activity – is not his favorite thing (and definitely not Addison's). However, it's the end of a long week, which basically means trying to run out the clock until Addison gets home. And the current activity doesn't involve much besides dampened pants since Kate wants to play with her brother (most days she still does, thankfully, but she certainly has her moments now). Two years with two kids stills feels like a delightful concept for Mark and Addison. They might have to spread themselves thinner to meet the needs of both kids, but Kate and Henry also have each other for company.
Their daughter will be eight years old next week. She looks older now. Babyish physical attributes are starting to fade in favor of sharper cheekbones and a leaner face. Those tiny pearl teeth nestled in her mouth and the temporary "windows" (the toothless spaces) that followed are continuing to make way for adult teeth that, while lovely and form a smile so much like her father's, lack the innocence of her treasure's worth of baby teeth. And Kate acts older now, too. To Mark, it feels like everything is split into less and more. Kate requires less supervision and less napkins. There is less resistance to eating vegetables, less desire to be tucked into bed at night, and less inclination to stop on walks through Central Park to examine every loose rock and piece of trash (they still have Henry for this though). Kate is also more independent, more focused, more inclined to say Mom or Dad, more skilled at fielding ground balls (baseball at the moment, but most likely softball next spring), and more knowledgeable about the concept that some words have more than one meaning (she understands more of Mark's awful jokes and puns now, much to his amusement and Addison's annoyance). There are now more chapter books, more sleepovers, more power struggles, more of an interest in the world around her, and more thoughts and complex feelings.
"Dad?" Kate asks. "What book do you think I should read next: Black Beauty or A Little Princess?"
"Oh…" Mark gives this some consideration. "Um. Black Beauty."
"I'm gonna ask Mom what she thinks, too," Kate answers. "Maybe tonight I'll read the first chapter of one with her, and then tomorrow night read the other one, and see which one I like best."
"Are you feeling okay?" Mark dramatically rests the back of his palm on Kate's forehead, which makes her laugh. "You don't want to read by yourself?"
"I sometimes still want Mom to read to me. And you, too. I like when you read out loud baseball scores to me." Kate offers him a sweet smile. Both things are true. And another truth is that both books she is mulling over are big and she suspects she won't know all the words.
Mark grins back at his daughter. Kate might be growing up, but she isn't growing away just yet.
When Addison arrives home, the first thing she does is slip off her clogs. She can't think of a time she has ever worn clogs outside of a surgical wing. Or come home in scrubs (clean ones), instead of the outfit she was wearing this morning, for that matter. She feels a bit ridiculous when she puts on a pair of black Hunters that clash horribly with her salmon scrubs, but it's the right call, because she knows what she's about to walk into.
She thinks her tolerance for messiness has been one of the biggest adjustments she has made since becoming a parent. Because there is always, always a mess. They cannot get through one day without a spill or a stain. Paint, crayons, markers, and glue do not always stay on paper. Addison is constantly sweeping up crumbs. She and Mark have stepped on so many damn Legos. Her daughter still sucks at not destroying the bathroom sink while brushing her teeth. And a half-eaten lollipop was found under a couch cushion last week ("I didn't do it" apparently did this). But the necessary adjustment to messiness has mostly been tolerable, because honestly, how could Addison not accept and participate in some of the messes? Kate sometimes picks flowers for her, thrusting them towards Addison with dirt-brushed fingers, clumps of soil still hanging off the roots. Henry always wants her to get down on the ground to "play cars" with him in the backyard. A happy mess, Kate once told her when they came inside with dirt caking their knees. Addison agrees most of the time. And speaking of messes: they have tentative plans to go camping over the summer with Derek, Meredith, and Bailey. Addison wants no part of camping, but knows she will have to suck it up and go.
Henry hears her first when she pushes open the fingerprint-smeared glass doors that lead to the backyard. The smile that forms on his face makes the really long day she had completely worth it if it means coming home to him. To this.
"Mommy!" Henry shrieks. Addison kneels down in anticipation of what can only be described as a tackle-hug. Her son happily anchors his arms around her neck. His cheek nuzzles against her collarbone, part affection, Addison is certain, but also so that Henry can wipe off a glob of mud clinging to his face.
"Hi, Hennybug. I missed your sweet face today." Addison sits back on her heels. It is a sweet face, even when it's dirtied with half-dried mud and water. She traces her thumb along the curve of his jaw, outlines one of his rounded cheeks. He is pure sunshine, and he is a beautiful boy. The smile that rises from his Cupid's bow lips is heart-melting, and Henry shares it with almost everyone, even when he is feeling shy. He has expressive, big blue eyes and although it's silly for Addison – who is very much a grown woman – to be envious about the length and thickness of her toddler's dusky eyelashes, she definitely is. Henry's hair is still silky-soft to the touch and there are wispy curls at the nape of his neck that Addison knows won't last forever. But for now, she treasures his little features. She wasn't sure what it would "be like" with the age gap between her kids equaling six years for the majority of each calendar year, but she really, really likes that while Kate is phasing out of a lot of cute "little kid" features and traits, Henry is still easing into them.
"Mommy," Henry says when she stands back up, his voice excited and chipmunk-pitched. "Rain. Play rain."
"Yes, little one. Mommy is going to play with you and Kate and Daddy. Speaking of…" Addison says when Kate approaches to give her a quick, mostly one-armed hug. "Hey, you."
Kate's brows furrow together after she returns her mother's greeting. "Why are you wearing scrubs?"
"Because I figured this is exactly where you guys would be playing when I got home," Addison answers with a grin, opting not to add the bit about Mark texting her a picture of Kate and Henry in the backyard. Better to let her kids think she is all-powerful and all-knowing. "And this way I can play with you without getting any of my nice clothes all wet and muddy. I had a coat on today, but…I also wore a silk blouse."
Kate nods in understanding. "And silk can get water marks."
"You've taught her well," Mark says to Addison. He smiles at his wife while Henry takes his hand, tugging him in the direction of a puddle before he can say hello to his wife. He'll just have to settle for a hug and kiss later.
They spend a nice Saturday in May at Carolyn Shepherd's house. Derek, Meredith, and Bailey – now nineteen months – are passing through on their way to Meredith's alma mater for something-or-other, and Liz and her brood are there this weekend as well. These types of get-togethers are rare but always enjoyed, so it is not too much effort for Mark and Addison to make their way up to Albany, even though neither Sloan child was happy to be leaving the house at seven in the morning. They certainly turned their attitudes around though as soon as they arrived at Derek's childhood home.
"Addie, I have to tell you something…" Derek comes into the kitchen where Addison is cleaning off a few plates. The laughter and squeals of the kids in the backyard pipes through an open window.
She offers a hopeful smile. "You decided you don't want to go camping this August? Man, I'm so sad."
"Sorry to disappoint you," Derek laughs. "But no." He spots Mark over Addison's shoulder, and gestures for him to leave his conversation with Liz and Carolyn, and come over. "So before the kids went out to the backyard to play, Kate grabbed one of Mom's photo albums off the bookshelf and was looking in it. And I guess there were a few leftover pictures from our wedding – as in, you know, when you and I got married. I think my mom has most of them stored in a rarely-opened drawer somewhere because it felt too weird for her to throw them out –"
"Or to just cut me out of all of them?" Addison grins weakly.
"You know she'd never do that. But anyway, I guess Kate saw a few. She didn't say much other than commenting that she liked the color of my boutonniere. And then Liz's kids went outside to kick the soccer ball and she went with them. Anyway. Sorry. Hopefully it wasn't weird for her."
Addison shakes her head. "It's okay. It's no one's fault. Well, maybe Kate's for being nosy, but still. It's okay. She knows we used to be married and that we're still friends. I'll bring it up with her later to check in, but seriously, don't worry about it. She would have come and gotten us if she was upset. The only thing she'll probably be upset about today is when we tell her it's time to go home."
She brought up the subject of her first marriage about two years ago with Kate. Her daughter had a few questions at the time, and has asked the occasional question since the initial conversation, but has never expressed any alarm or dismay. Mostly, it was just something interesting to her, but really only interesting for a few hours. Addison was always waiting for, well, an organic moment to tell Kate about her first marriage (save the more sordid details, at least while Kate is so young), and finally one arrived when she was walking Kate home from school one day. Her daughter told her the parents of a boy in her class were getting a divorce, so Addison calmly segued into, "You know, Kate, I was actually married to someone before your dad…" and they went from there. It was mostly uneventful. But it was kind of hysterical when they got home and Kate scrambled into the house to tell her father, as though this would be brand new information for him: "Daddy. Did you know that Mommy used to be married to Derek? I bet you didn't know that."
Mark smiled and assured her that he knew.
"Hey, Kate?" Addison waits until her daughter glances up from one of the Magic Tree House books she is reading on their way home that afternoon. Kate blinks and her blue eyes meet Addison's in the rear-view mirror. "I heard from Derek that you saw some pictures today in one of Nana Carolyn's photo albums."
Kate nods. "Yeah. I saw some from when you got married to Derek. Dad was in some pictures, too. And you used to have bangs, mom," she adds.
"I did have bangs for a little bit. Do you think I should get bangs again?" She asks. No, definitely not. But she might as well ease into this conversation.
"No, don't. I like you better without them."
"Okay." Addison smirks. She agrees. "Just thought I'd ask. So…" she twists around to look at her daughter. "I know we've talked about it before – me being married to Derek at one point, I mean – but I'm sure it was a bit weird to see pictures like that. So if you have any questions you want to ask, that's totally fine. I just want you to know that it's different for me and your dad. We love each other very, very much -"
"I know." Kate makes a face. "You make goo-goo eyes at each other and it's kind of gross."
"That's probably true," Mark says with a light laugh. "But we're not ever going to get divorced. And like your mom said, if you have any questions or worries, you can talk to us, okay?"
Kate's expression is thoughtful when she turns to gaze out the window. "I like that you guys are still friends with Derek," she says. "And that you like Meredith. You know Asher in my class?"
"Do I…" Mark mutters under his breath. He's never quite moved past the incident when Asher Hammond pulled his daughter's hair.
"His parents are divorced and they don't even really talk to each other. And Asher said his mom doesn't like his step-mom."
Addison nods while shifting back around. "Yeah, that happens sometimes, and it's really sad when it does."
"Mom, was it weird when you and Dad got married that I was up there with you guys the whole time?" Kate asks. This is far from the first time she has asked this. But she loves asking, because she loves hearing about this day and looking at the pictures, even though she can't remember any of it.
"Not weird at all," Addison replies. She might as well be reading off a script, but secretly she adores when Kate asks her this question or wants to talk about their wedding. "That was our favorite part because we were so happy you could be there for our special day. And our favorite picture from that day is the one where we were pronounced 'husband and wife,' and you're sitting by my feet holding Maggie and you have rose petals all over you. We love that one so much that we have it in more than once place…" she raises her eyes to the rear-view mirror again, amused when she can see Kate, still looking out the window, mouthing the various locations. "In the living room, the bigger one on the wall going up the stairs, in our bedroom, and in the hallway near yours and Henry's rooms."
"I bet that was my favorite part of the day too," Kate replies sweetly. "Oh, and Mom? You and Dad actually might have to get a divorce one day." She starts to smile, excited about sharing this next bit. "Henry keeps saying he's going to marry you…and I keep telling him he isn't allowed to do that, but he doesn't get it."
Addison laughs. "That's a normal thing at his age. Lots of toddlers want to marry their mommies or daddies."
"It's weird."
"Well…" Mark says reasonably. "Lots of things about toddlers are kind of weird. Speaking of – what's your brother singing back there?"
Kate turns to look at Henry. "What are you singing, Hen-Hen?" She asks. Her brother usually falls asleep during car rides, but at the moment he is poking at a Dimpl toy and singing softly. Very softly. Kate is surprised her dad was even able to hear it. Henry doesn't answer her though. He just keeps singing, so Kate listens carefully, trying to determine if it's an actual song or some made-up toddler silliness.
"Deee. Horse. Deee. Horse. Deee. Horse."
"Oh." Kate starts to giggle. "He's saying it wrong, but he's making up a song about divorce."
Addison rolls her eyes. "Perfect."
"Hey, kiddo." Mark lightly knocks on Kate's open door. She's sitting cross-legged on her bed, nose buried in a book. "Henry's asleep now."
Kate looks surprised, maybe even a touch impressed. "Whoa. He's already asleep?"
"Yeah." Mark grins. Both he and Kate assumed bedtime might be a bit of a challenge tonight. A fun day with the Shepherds and a mostly tolerable car ride home with two kids took an unexpected turn when Addison was paged for an it-can't-be-anyone-else-it-has-to-be-you emergency. And Henry has a tough time with minor deviations in his bedtime routine, especially when his mom isn't home to give him a goodnight kiss and cuddle with him. "I'm sure it helped that he was tired from a busy day. I only got through half of Giraffes Can't Dance before he fell asleep. So apparently the little guy is able to fall asleep without his mom."
"I think you mean his wife." Kate smirks, and Mark laughs. She's bitingly funny sometimes. "Did Mom text you yet?" She asks. Her bedtime is ten on Saturdays, so she will likely get to see her mom before it's lights out.
Mark shakes his head. "Nope, not yet. She must still be in surgery. Or got called into something else." He shifts off the door frame he's been leaning against to come into Kate's room. They redid it last month – that was what Kate wanted for her eighth birthday (well, and a dog). Gone are the teal and purple walls, two-tone curtains, and unicorn comforter. They painted the walls a bluish-gray (or specifically, a color called "Willow Breeze," which makes no sense to any of them), ordered her new bedding, and just did little touches here and there decoration-wise to make it look more like the room of an eight year-old. "But…" Mark pauses for dramatic effect. "I'm sure she won't mind if you stay up a bit later tonight so you can see her, but if it ends up being really late, do you want to just leave a note for her to sign?"
"It was weird that I used to do that, wasn't it?"
Mark smiles. "A cute weird."
"Kind of like Henry wanting to marry Mom. A cute weird."
"Exactly. You know, Kate…you were kind of quiet when we were watching Moana tonight." Mark wasn't quite sure earlier this evening if something was wrong, and he's still not certain if she's upset about something or if she's coming down with a bug. She's acting perfectly herself at the moment, displaying some of her defining characteristics, none of which Mark had as a child: warm, earnest, thoughtful. But his parenting instincts usually aren't wrong.
Kate raises her eyebrows at this observation. "You're supposed to be quiet while watching movies."
"Yeah, smarty pants, but…" he eases down on the edge of her bed, grateful that she's still at an age where the idea of a parent making themselves comfortable in her room isn't horrifying. Kate unfolds her legs and scoots over to sit next to him. "Normally you'd at least 'shhhh' your brother a few times, and you didn't do that. And you also didn't eat much pizza."
It takes a moment for Kate to find her voice. "My tummy hurt a little bit at dinnertime."
"Oh," Mark says softly. Tummy, not stomach. In some ways, she is still so little. And delicate. "I wish you'd told me. How's your tummy now? Do you feel okay? Do you feel sick?"
"I'm not sick." Kate angles her head away, showing the same shyness that her mother shows when she's about to cry. "I just didn't…I didn't…" she hiccups.
"C'mere, Katiebee." Mark wraps both arms around her and she sniffles into his chest. "Tell me what's wrong."
"I didn't like seeing those pictures of Mommy and Derek," she says, words clipped between whimpers. "And I didn't like seeing ones of you, since you weren't going to marry Mommy that day. I liked Mommy's dress and I liked the flower thing Derek was wearing on his jacket, but that's it."
Mark hugs her tighter. "Have you been thinking about the pictures all day?"
"No." She rubs at her eyes, and then glances up at him, expression wary. "Just at dinner. And right now. I was…I was happy this morning and this afternoon. And now I'm just kind of…" her voice fades away and she offers a hapless shrug.
"Sad? Worried?" Mark asks. His daughter just shrugs again. "I love your mom, Kate," he adds when she doesn't try to put a description to what she is feeling. "And she loves me. I promise you: we are not going to get a divorce."
"I know. That's not why…" her shoulders rise up and down for a third time, and he can see the frustration building in her. She's a bright girl, sailing through second grade at the moment. She knows the answers to most questions, and for ones she doesn't know, she has the confidence to raise her hand and ask her teacher, or her parents. But, Mark supposes it's pretty damn hard when you're searching for an answer but also can't figure out how to cobble together the question. Or even know what the question would be. "I don't know," Kate grumbles into his shoulder.
"Okay. So you're not sure. That's alright." Mark tries another way. "Are you maybe just…feeling some Big Feelings about seeing the pictures?" The phrase has stuck around with them. Kate thinks about this, and then nods. "Okay. That's okay. You've known for a while that your mom used to be married to Derek, but it's different to see pictures. That makes it more real for you. And it's okay that you have feelings about this, but that you aren't really sure what to name each of those feelings."
"Do you wish you married Mommy first?" Kate asks quietly. She leans back just a bit, no longer completely tangled in a hug, but one of her hands is still cupped in his, and she thinks of both comfortable and valuable, on yesterday's spelling test. Hugs from her mom are gentle, like she could snuggle her forever. When her dad hugs her, when he shows affection, it's stronger somehow, like it's just the two of them in the entire world, and it's one of the many things she likes about him. "Before Derek? Like…like Derek would be okay, but you guys would have just traded places on the day Mommy and Derek got married. And you would have married Mommy instead."
"That's a good question." It's not a surprising one, and Mark certainly had enough if-then thoughts before he and Addison were a couple to know his position on this subject. But he weighs his words carefully.
"Are you going to answer?" Kate asks. It's not said meanly, it's not skeptical or accusatory. It's just genuine curiosity. She touches the fingertips of her free hand to Mark's forearm.
"Yes," Mark says. "I'm going to answer. I already know the answer, but I was thinking that I'd like to tell you something else first, and then I'll answer. So, what I want you to know first, before I give you my honest answer because you're a big girl and I want you to know the truth, is that I'm glad I married your mom when I did. But to answer your question: no. If I could have traded places with Derek and married your mom that day, then no, I wouldn't have wanted to trade. I know that probably sounds weird to you and probably doesn't help your tummy either, but the thing is that I'm glad I married your mom when I did. Exactly when I did. I wouldn't have wanted to trade places because that wasn't the right time for me to marry her, or for your mom to marry me."
"Why?"
"I was too young to get married. I know I'm the same age as your mom, but I wasn't ready to be married then. I was kind of an idiot – ask your mom, she'll tell you. And your mom and I liked each other as friends when she and Derek got married, but we didn't love each other. That came later. But you know why I'm mostly glad it took us a long time to fall in love and then get married?"
"Why?"
"Because we had you. And Henry. Maybe we would have had kids if we had gotten married like twenty years ago in the trading places world, but those kids wouldn't have been you and Henry. I'm sure you wish that your mom only had one marriage and that I was the one to marry her before anyone else, but sometimes that's just not how life works. And if life had worked out that way, we wouldn't have you and your brother. So I'm glad that when Derek married your mom, it was him and not me. And I'm glad that Derek and your mom getting a divorce meant that Derek eventually married Meredith and they had Bailey. Derek wouldn't have been able to marry Meredith back then."
"Because she would have been a little kid?"
Mark chuckles. "No, she would have been a grownup…just a young grownup. But sometimes people fall in love exactly when they're supposed to and not a second sooner. I think things that are meant to be usually happen, like me marrying your mom and Derek marrying Meredith, but sometimes things that are meant to be don't happen right away. They happen later. Does that…does that make sense to you, Kate?"
"Yeah. And I bet…" Kate smiles in contemplation. "I bet me and Drew will get married exactly when we're supposed to."
Mark manages a small look of agreement when Kate glances at him, ready to get defensive if necessary. There was a brief reprieve at the end of Kindergarten, but it's been this way for about a year now. And it's puppy love, but a different kind of puppy love than it was for ages three through six. His daughter and Andrew don't hold hands now. They play with separate friends at recess most of the time. They aren't on the same Little League team this year. Kate's best friend is Emily and Andrew's best friend is Theo. And even when it's just Kate and the twins, sometimes she and Emily are off doing one thing while Andrew is doing another. It's different, but there is truth in the reality: Kate loves Andrew and Andrew loves Kate.
"I know," Mark answers quietly, trying not to be that dad. "Just stay little for as long as you can though, okay? And buddy, there are going to be lots and lots of things in life – both as a kid and when you're all grown up – that might not be super easy to talk about. And there will also be times, like today, where you aren't really sure what to say, or what exact feeling you're feeling, but you just know you're having a lot of feelings and it's not great. So when that happens, you need to try your best to tell me – or your mom, or both of us. I know I'm your Dad, so I'm a little biased, but you're good at everything. Well, except for eating your vegetables," he adds, and Kate giggles. "So I know you can be good at sharing Big Feelings, too. Okay?"
"'Kay."
"I can stay with you for a little bit." He gestures to the book on her nightstand, Charlotte's Web. "I can stay and read with you, if you want."
Kate smiles sheepishly. "I'm actually still a little hungry."
"Okay. How about more pizza and we watch some TV? I'm sure your mom will be home in a bit, too. You feeling a little better now?"
"Yeah. I feel better now…just hungry for pizza. Hey, Dad?" She asks. "Have you read Charlotte's Web before?"
Mark nods. "I have. It's been a long, long time, but one of my teachers read it aloud to my class when I was around your age. I remember it though. Charlotte the spider, Wilbert the pig, Templeton the rat, the little farm girl named Fern -"
Kate interrupts with a laugh so loud Mark worries she will wake her brother. "Daddy," she says, shaking her head. "It's Wilbur. Not Wilbert."
"Oh, come on. At least I was close. But…" he grins. "You're going to tell your mom I said the pig's name wrong, aren't you?"
"Yeah. And she's gonna laugh, too."
