Eyes that see into Infinity

Chapter Forty-Five

Part Four

/

I didn't think he'd come and suddenly I was in a perfect place. The bad thing about good things and perfect places, they aren't as timeless as we want them to be. They end. They always do.

We didn't say much on our way there. When Phai got too sleepy I took over and let him sleep. When he was rested enough, he took over because he didn't trust me to drive. We switched off quite a few times. But for those first two hours, we rode in silence. Not because we had nothing to say but because we were enjoying everything else along the way. The scenery, the traffic, the air conditioning, the music, the subtle touches, the silent conversations we share with our eyes. All of it felt like magic. It didn't feel real, like a fantasy, a nostalgia that hasn't happened yet, a pure escape, a simulation, a moment you didn't want to go away knowing that it would. A dream come true.

"What?" Phai asks with a small side grin as he finds me staring at him. His brown hair spilling over his face because we have the window rolled down. It was growing already. It was nice.

"Do I scare you?" It was on my mind. I had to know. I had to know that our relationship wasn't based on fear rather than love.

His lips curled into a nice smile, trying to hide none of it, knowing I wouldn't regret his answer. "I mean, yea. You do." He admitted. "You scare the living shit out of me, Alex. But you're exciting. When I'm around you, I feel safe, I can be myself, you listen to me, you support me, you trust me, you respect me. What more can I ask for? You know me. You know how to make me happy. You also know how to make me sad though you never mean to and it's never your fault. Oh and you're great at apologizing whenever you're being a dickhead which is rare and I like that. I like you. All of you. Everything about you. You know this about yourself. My entire world has changed since I met you and you might not know how much because I don't open up as much as I should. I'm more confident, I don't feel alone anymore and I'm not sad the way I used to be. I'm glad that I have and know you, Alex. You don't have to ever worry about the amount of love I have for you. Not ever. You have been the best thing to have ever happened to me and I wouldn't know what to do without you. My family and friends make me happy, they're supportive and I have a good life. It's just better with you in it."

I don't remember if I had a response to that but I knew at the moment, in my lifetime, no matter who I meet, no matter what my trials are, no matter when I die or how, I could love no person more. My world evolved around him and my pain was only a speck on the ground. I could kick it away or step on it and I wouldn't notice it as long as he was with me. I finally look away but I still manage to see him. Through reflections, in the rear view mirror, on my phones home screen, during my imagination. I see him even when I have no senses at all. I know he's there. It was so hard to lose him. Too bad it was so easy to lose myself.

He always knew what was going on inside of my head so Phai took my hand in his and held on deeply needing me to hang on just a little longer.


The Journey Home, Gedrosian Desert

Alexander had disregarded every order his men gave him and any medical advice Philip offered. Philip would warn him that he was moving too quickly but Alexander would convince them all that he was perfectly capable. So he refused to ride back sitting back comfortably with his queen in a shaded carriage and led from the front with his men instead. It was pointless to argue with him. It was always pointless to argue with him. And dangerous. His charming persistent was too mighty and the next thing they knew Alexander had lead his men out of the bad land, leaving it forever behind. Little did they know they were heading into a place much worse.

Ptolemy was stuck babysitting Cassander at the back and Hephaistion and Craterus were at the front on either side of Alexander, Leonnatus and Perdicas guiding the center group.

Cassander looked back at Ptolemy with the usual grin on his face, already plotting. The curled haired general rolled his eyes with a soft grunt. "Care to share what's on the tongue you find so clever?"

"Why can't you see that this is in my favor?" Green eyes shined confidently and Ptolemy immediately regretted having asked. "My competition is a king who doesn't give a shit about him anymore. Shall I count my blessings?"

Ptolemy sent a jolting glare as if Cassander was the most delusional of them all. "Count whatever you'd like. You forced yourself upon him. He won't forget that."

"I don't need him to forget that. I need him to forget Alexander."

Ptolemy laughed mockingly, his cheeks burning red. "You think too hard about false dreams. You men and your hard-ons for Hephaistion have proven quite humorous. He's a good looking man but he loves another. Accept it. Move on. It's not like there is a shortage of women and stable boys at your feet."

Cassander scowled, voice unpleasant and high. "I don't want them."

Ptolemy gave a lazy shrug. "Soft cocks are healthy, Cassander. If you want it hardened for the rest of your life over something as silly as a crush, be my guest."

Cassander didn't like that comment and slowed down to match the same pace as his traveling partner he intended on confronting. Or convincing. "Has Alexander not forced Hephaistion into his bed before? Hephaistion acts like we're the criminals for lusting after him and Alexander gets a pat on the back for actually taking to bed the most fuck worthy man in the army but we call it love instead? Alexander is no different from the rest of us. He wanted Hephaistion for himself because Alexander loves having what everyone else doesn't. It's why he ordered his father's execution because he wanted the rest of it, afraid nothing would be left. If Alexander was some common man, he would amount to nothing and Hephaistion wouldn't be interested. How ironic, Hephaistion's not as pretty anymore and Alexander has no interest in him. Killing Cleitus with such a violent rage in front of the court should tell you how little he thinks of us, especially his childhood friends. Oh and let's not forget Parmenion and his son. May they rest in peace."

"For days now, you've been extra whiny and dramatic." Ptolemy sighed patiently, wishing he hadn't been the one assigned to him but knowing it was best that he was chosen. The other men wouldn't last as long. He kept intent brown eyes ahead of him. He'd let Cassander believe whatever it is that he wants. His hatred of Alexander would never falter and he pitied the snaky man for resulting to that amount of hate.

"Well?" Cassander waited.

"Well what?" Ptolemy frowned as if he was avoiding the bright sun that checked in on them ever so often.

"Were you listening to me at all?"

"If Hephaistion didn't think the king truly loved him, his first choice wouldn't be to be known as the kings whore. As far as Alexander goes, you know he loves Hephaistion. You can't take that from him. He's proven it over and over again. And with that mouth of yours, you will soon be resting. But not in peace. And probably in pieces." The curled haired man chuckled to himself finding his last thought hilarious.

"What do you gain being so fiercely loyal to him? Seleucus and the rest of you, are like sheep attracted to death." Cassander truly wondered what it was about Alexander that persuaded men.

"I'm not only loyal to Alexander." Ptolemy said lightly. "He's like a brother to me. I am loyal to everyone I consider a friend. You don't understand what Alexander means to these men."

"Because I'm not a brainwashed buffoon." Cassander insulted but Ptolemy was impervious as he seemed concentrated on other things.

"I wish you had listened more to your lessons. You'd be more articulate with your insults but since we have the time I'll entertain your thoughts and your feelings for a while longer. You're not really mad at us. You're mad at what Alexander and Hephaistion share." Ptolemy said in all fairness. "It's understandable. I think all the men were at one point."

Cassander rolled his eyes. He could always annoyingly rely on Ptolemy to be all knowing. "What's understandable is that when you take away Alexander from Hephaistion you get the loneliest man in the world. Hephaistion has nothing and no one to love or go back to, stuck in a terrible place."

"And what lives in this terrible place?"

"Regrets."

"I must say, you have a faulted way of seeing things."

"I have a pessimistic heart."

"May I tell you my theory?" The curled haired general didn't really mean to ask. He was going to give his advice whether Cassander wanted to hear it or not. "You at times wonder why Hephaistion never chose you. This makes you envious of Alexander. As children Hephaistion didn't really care for the prince but the more tragic story here is that even when he despised Alexander, he still never liked you. If you ask me, it's your own fault that Hephaistion never fell for you or found you noble. You had good qualities even similar ones to the king but you chose to be ruled by the worst part of yourself instead of the best part. And now to this day, I still don't know what the best side of you is and I've known you a long time, my friend. Maybe Hephaistion should hate everything about Alexander as he is now but you should ask yourself why it is that Hephaistion hates everything about you and stop focusing on what it is about Alexander he still adores."

Cassander said nothing to that. It wasn't an easy thing to silence the man who was graced with a quick and witty tongue but perhaps Cassander wasn't wrong either. Perhaps Ptolemy pitied Alexander as much as he did his green eyed friend. They were dealing with an Alexander they hadn't seen before, quite unrefreshing and frightening. At times they'd see his old self shine through the wounds, fatigue and grievance like he was trying to reach out to them for help. The sad part being, they couldn't help him and he'd be lost in himself forever. They truly believed he was possessed by some evil that took a form of its own. He looked older than he was and it was quite clear that Alexander wished to die young just like the rest of his heroes. What more could he do? He had already taken the world by storm. He had already shaped the destiny for himself and his men. What was left? The only thing left was to become more mad. He was undergoing quite the transformation and his men were only growing to fear him and the queen couldn't reawaken his lively spirit the way she could when they first met. But nothing lasts. The fallen memories of his beautiful Hephaistion was proof of that because if anything should have been left for him, it was Hephaistion.

They heard a raucous coming from the front. Ptolemy told Cassander to stay put and quickly rode towards the front line. Cassander disobeyed his order and followed anyway.


When we arrived, it was flurrying with snow. Snow that melted on contact. It wasn't much but just enough to make an impression. And Phai loved it upon opening those pretty crystal eyes. I knew he would be happy with Colorado. It was beautiful to him, probably far more pretty to him than it was to me when I first saw it. We checked in to a pet friendly hotel just for a couple of extra days because why not? I had missed close to fifty calls from my mom but my phone was on silent. She left voicemails I never listened to. She left texts I never opened. She had already made it to the house and I was going to be days behind and she had no idea why. Maybe I was stuck in traffic. Maybe my car died down. Maybe I got into a fatal car accident. Or maybe I never left California and stayed behind, choosing Phai over her. Either way she would think the worst. Always had, always will. But I didn't care what she thought, I didn't have much time left and wanted to spend it with him. And we managed to make the next three days feel like an eternity. That was our goal. So...

We went to the mall and bought a bunch of stuff we didn't need.

We went on walks with Bucephalus and stargazed. I explained to Phai my method of counting stars and he counted with me.

We went on a fancy date and slow danced together in the cold rain and I sang him his favorite songs.

We played card games and he lost every game.

We wrestled and it was my turn to lose.

We asked and answered questions we've never asked or answered before, laughing at ourselves.

We swam in the hotel pool and had make-out sessions in the hot tub.

We showered together, watched movies, ate popcorn and buckets of ice cream.

We relaxed together and went down for the night.

We needed this. We needed this time alone.

Then it was 8PM on our last night together and Phai was already in bed with Bucephalus sleeping on top of his feet. I was brushing my teeth while taking a piss when I noticed that my urine turned a bright red. It could have been anything, was my first thought. The humidity. Dehydration. Kidney stones. Bladder cancer. My very serious health condition I was still in denial about. Or maybe it was in denial about me because I'm still alive for some reason. It wasn't a little blood mixed with urine; I may as well been pissing fruit punch. But to savor the time, I didn't tell Phai. It would ruin the perfect night we just had and I was great at ruining fine nights so I decided to keep my mouth shut, not to worry him, because that was the right thing to do. Phai would freak out and think I needed immediate medical attention and if he somehow found out, though I can't think of a scenario in which he would unless he starts using the bathroom with me or blood comes shooting out with my semen, I would tell him that I was dehydrated. But pretending it wasn't there would help us both. Sometimes putting on a brave face was the right thing to do to spare a moment. I didn't want him boarding the plane with that thought on his mind. I wanted him to get on that plane knowing I'd be back for him because that was still my plan even though death had something else in mind.

I got in the covers next to him and he snuggled up next to me. It would have been the perfect night to make love but Phai was exhausted and I didn't want my blood leaking penis near him. I felt relieved when he just kissed me and went straight back to sleep with a smile on his face. That's all that mattered.

Morning came and suddenly eternity wasn't even a real thing anymore. I finally answered my mom's phone calls and told her I was only a couple of hours away. She didn't believe me. Hell, I didn't believe me but Phai had to get back home. I couldn't drag him down with me. He had a whole different life to live. He had high expectations for himself. I had zero. He was excited for college. I figured for me it would be a waste of time and I'm already great at wasting time. He had family back in Cali. I had only my mother who'd rather live far from everything good for me. But I'll tell you what we both had in common, we held on hope, though thoughts did cross that eventually we'd split, that this wouldn't last. That was a fact of life. Nothing lasts forever. Not that smile, that heart, those eyes, nothing.

But they were just silly, harmless thoughts.

I didn't drive him to the airport on a sad note. But it was obvious when we got there, we didn't want it to end. We walked in like two people who didn't want to be there. And yes, something was missing that had been there the previous days. No more bliss, no more fun, no more thinking 'this is too good to be true'. It was like enjoying your last meal on death-row when suddenly the food is gone and it's time to die. You had forgotten all about it but just like that, you stop to think, 'shit, this is bad'. I kept touching him, longingly and he kept talking at the expense of his own fears that this may be our last conversation, no matter how many times I promised him that it wouldn't be but I couldn't even promise or convince myself. What the hell that does say about me? He was right when he said I'm excellent at showing confidence I don't truly have.

He gave me any lasting hope, with a long hug, an intense kiss goodbye and my fathers ring I had intentionally got rid of somewhere in the back of the car. I had forgotten about it. But he found it for me and he never said why and I never asked. He knew my dad was still hard on my mind so maybe he didn't want me to let him go. Maybe it was a subtle reminder for me not to let Phai go. After he slipped the ring back on my finger he ended the trip with a smile that could put tears into your eyes and then things swept away, like dust up against a breeze. That could have very well been the last time we saw each other. Everyone told us that the honeymoon phase would end but the honeymoon phase never existed for us. It was just love and we were dedicated to it. It didn't exist because it would never go away. This should have been our perfect ending. This should have been the end. But it wasn't. For now, we stayed in touch, kept our promise, made it work, though we were far away. But the storm I spoke about earlier hadn't even formed yet. But it was coming. And it will break me.

I'm told I deserve a happy ending. How do I feel about happy endings? Well, I'll tell you about it a little closer to the end.

When driving home, Alex looked at the passenger seat with no passenger. He looked back on the road and he was tired and bored. He was sitting in absolute silence not knowing why. He could have turned on music that reminded him of Phai. Hell, he could have turned on music that distracted him from Phai. But he was thinking about why he didn't give him the thing he meant to give Phai before he left.

Phai's birthday was coming up and during there time in Colorado, Alex had snuck away to a different store in the mall they had spent hours in and bought Phai something very special for his very special day. He wanted him to open it early in case he couldn't be there for his actual birthday but he got cold feet and talked himself out of it. It was a stupid gift. It was a mistake and it didn't make any sense. And Phai would hate it. What the fuck was he thinking? All of these thoughts crossed paths agreeing with each other so he kept it to himself. He'd figure out something else to get him. Something less promising. And for some reason Alex still didn't open the gift Phai got him for his birthday. Maybe another day. The two small wrapped presents, one from him and the other for him sat together on the seat where Phai always used to be.

Fuck. I should have given it to him.


The Journey Home, Gedrosian Desert

"You'll get them killed, Alexander! Are you fucking mad?"

The crowd of men looked fearful of what was happening, whispering and chattering amongst themselves as they were stopped.

"Craterus?"

"Yes, Alexander."

"Quiet the men. Restore their hopes."

The bigger general was hesitant but listened. Alexander then turned back to Hephaistion who appeared to be in his way. He and the man before him shared an intense stare down before the kings words pierced next.

"You can stay in my way and die but I sure you know what your place is." He said as if they had never in their life had an intimate moment, no conscience at all on the predatory face. Cassander had been right, they were strangers now.

Ptolemy had rode up just in time it seemed. Hephaistion had said nothing that will get himself killed though it hadn't been entirely up to him. The tension was felt all over. There was light and then there was shadow.

"What's the hold up?" Said Ptolemy, stopping his horse, looking wildly curious.

"We've discovered a shorter route." Alexander said with vaulted eyes, strictly glaring at the man who disagreed.

Hephaistion glared back even harder with eyes grinding. "He's going to take 60,000 men into the desert. We will die before we reach home."

Of course Ptolemy agreed with Hephaistion. What he was hearing couldn't have been true so he approached Alexander with carefully chosen words. "Alexander, we should follow the way the guides informed us of. Changing direction will confuse the men."

"All this complaining about going home and still you seek the longer route?" Alexander's voice outstretched the line of men but his eyes remained looming over Hephaistion who had rudely interrupted the march, setting them back on the schedule. "You want to go home men or not?"

The sound of joy and eagerness arose from the throats of the men. Alexander nodded to that, it being a good enough response.

"The route we know is safer." Hephaistion answered respectfully, trying his hardest to stay composed before him. "Surely you know this."

"So you wish to stay behind?" Alexander impatiently asked, but with a threat that underlined his words.

There were uneasy looks on him from everywhere but Hephaistion stood his ground with the utmost intent on speaking up for the men who felt they could not. There were many of them but they were cowardly and with reason. "I wish you weren't so adamant on killing your own people."

The king shifted on his horse, his entire face unfastened from rage and overspread with haughtiness. "Do you believe I would willingly put my men through unnecessary danger?"

"That is exactly what you're doing if we go through the desert!" Hephaistion exclaimed but it fell on deaf ears.

"So you've made your choice." Alexander said with a calmness as if he had no fear of life or death. "You haven't been much use to me anyway."

Those words heated Hephaistion to the core. He had no more control over the king. Alexander had no more control of himself. It was like he was satisfied with his own severity towards them, a tactic he'd only use when the occasion called for it. His treatment of Hephaistion especially had been unnatural and barbaric and the generals excluding the senior officers, were appalled by the behavior. But to speak up could be faulty and dangerous for the one man he had no memory of.

"The rest of you, we go forward!" Alexander shouted enough for the company to hear him. This was a ruthlessness they would have never thought he was capable of. He moved forward towards the desert line and a good majority of the men followed him. As they passed by, Hephaistion tried warning them again that they'll die if they follow him and only a few thousand seemed to listen.

Perdicas and Leonnatus saw that the army was moving in the wrong direction and when they figured out why, Alexander didn't seem to care as he kept going, disregarding the hot temperatures that lied ahead.

Hephaistion looked to Craterus as if he was the only one capable of doing something about it. "Tell him that this is wrong. He might listen to you."

It was a first because normally they would rely on Hephaistion for help but the bigger general was reluctant. He didn't wish to get into another confrontation with Alexander and his volatile temper. He shook his head at Hephaistion. "I'm sorry."

Hephaistion, though disappointed, understood why the men were afraid. It wasn't fair to ask them. He then contemplated on what to do next. He was on his own. When Craterus saw the defiance take over his features he quickly reprimanded Hephaistion with a hauling look in his eyes that begged him to rethink it. "Hephaistion, don't be stupid. You will be executed for your insolence. He is not the same man."

"You don't think I know that?" Hephaistion, not caring in the least, looked to the Craterus with trust. "Do me a favor. I need you to lead the rest of these men back home. Can you do that?"

"You can't follow him into that heat." Craterus told him. "Unless you enjoy death as much as he wants it."

"My plan is to prevent it. Ptolemy and I will hang back. Please."

Craterus gave one more attempt to stop Hephaistion but something in the blue eyes that were blazing and pleading for something more had him give up. He heavily sighed before an agreeing looked appeared on his face. He found himself seeing eye to eye with the pretty man lately as if they had never been enemies or spending their entire lives competing for Alexander's attention. The bigger general gripped the leather reins, nodded and directed his horse towards the back line calling out to the halted men to follow him. "Leonnatus, Perdicas, you're coming with me!" He ordered.

They went, not a fight back, trusting Hephaistion and Ptolemy who were brave enough to even try to persuade the king. They wished them farewell and helped Craterus effectively move the men towards the path that was direct to home. The queen was in that group and Craterus gave her no choice as she felt abandoned by her husband once again.

As they watched them leave, the army breaking in two, Hephaistion felt a familiar hand slide up his arm, a gesture to stop him.

"May I suggest something?" Cassander thought he'd try to be useful. "Don't be a fool, Hephaistion. Let him go. He's made up his mind. We can follow Craterus. We don't have to die with them."

"If I go down, you're going down with me." His throat was broken, something slipping down it that planned to die.

"That wasn't the answer I was looking for." Suddenly Cassander began to worry what the undesired plan was and he was never much of a worrier.

"It's the answer I'm giving." With that Hephaistion dismissed him and rode to the front to catch up with Alexander for another attempt at changing his mind and Ptolemy made sure Cassander followed instead of fled. They couldn't trust him on his own for he was still under scrutiny.

"Craterus is heading down the right path. Turn around and follow him!" Shouted Hephaistion, stalling them a second time but with better effort.

"Get out of the way, Hephaistion." Meleager said as he rode up trying to make things simpler for all who had pulled up to the kings side. "I shall not ask you once more."

"I won't. You have the most to lose. This is your infantry. Alexander is out of his mind. This is not the way and you know it. Turn back." Hephaistion commanded with such power causing the men to reconsider. Things were turning rowdy and loud as the men grew confused and doubtful. It was strange to see Hephaistion opposing the king in such a way they've never seen before. Usually Hephaistion and Alexander would have arguments in the privacy of the kings quarters and the majority of the time Alexander lost. Never did they imagine Hephaistion publicly defying him.

Alexander stopped his men with a fist in the air. Everyone silenced abruptly thinking this was the moment he'd devour his prey. He then climbed down from his horse. He wasn't fond of being disrespected like that before his men and he certainly wasn't fond of being accused of not knowing the way. "I gave you a warning, Hephaistion."

"And I'm warning you. You will die. You have nothing to prove anymore. Listen to me." Hephaistion knew Alexander well enough to know that he was going through the desert to prove that he could. They knew the tales of Cyrus and his unsuccessful journey through the desert.

Hephaistion climbed down from his horse and stepped up to Alexander until they were face to face. It was unnerving for the blue eyed man and the beat of his heart could almost be heard. It used to flutter with excitement when those eyes used to gaze with innocence. This time, they challenged him. They dared him. Agitated him.

"I'm giving you another chance because I am a loving king. A generous god. Follow me. Trust me. Do not fail me. That's all I ask from you. What shall it be?"

Hephaistion swallowed, with some nauseating fear in his eyes before he answered, transferring the same challenge. "Turn back. Please, Alexander. This isn't you. Think about these men."

Before he saw it coming, Alexander removed his sword and aimed it right at Hephaistion's throat. "Do not tell me what is good for these men. They share my same victories. They too are Alexander."

Hephaistion stood unshakably. He kept his lovely brave eyes on the hideous ones of the king. "Then they are dead as well. Go ahead, kill them, kill me. You do that, you're killing yourself. You are nothing without us and you know it." Hephaistion knew what to say to trigger Alexander and it worked. It was when Alexander looked caught off guard by that comment, Hephaistion removed his sword with a swift unseeing movement, and suddenly his sword was at the kings throat.

Startled gasps echoed.

Alexander only looked surprised for a few seconds before grinning to the man who had the audacity to challenge him. He wasn't raged or even annoyed. He moved toward him, allowing the uneven sharp blade to tickle his skin until he was close enough to Hephaistion but far enough for his men not to hear his next words. "I may not know you," he spoke low with a grisly tone "but I do know that you won't kill me. I am very important to you, remember? Surely I make your cock quiver in need of me so I would hate to kill you and fuck a body that won't give back."

Hephaistion's anger and weakness to that remark had him swing the sword to remove the kings head but Ptolemy quickly stopped Hephaistion with a stiff hand on the butt of the blade. "Hephaistion, enough!" Ptolemy was surprised at what he was about to witness, what he had to stop. Everyone was gasping aloud as if the job had already been done but it was only an attempt to murder the king. Alexander was still breathing and still smirking with his menacing golden eyes. He didn't seem to react in any normal way as far as almost being murdered. He sort of just shrugged it off and Hephaistion wondered to himself why he was still alive after the adrenaline wore off. Anyone else would have been dead. Ptolemy aggressively pulled Hephaistion aside though Hephaistion couldn't believe it also.

"What in Hades is wrong with you! What were you thinking?"

"This isn't the way. It's not." Hephaistion shook his head. He had tears in his eyes as if he was afraid for these men who never gave a shit about him. As if he was surprised himself that he had almost killed Alexander knowing he'd never forgive himself if he had followed through. "We can't let them go out there."

"We don't have a choice." Ptolemy understood his fear but he also understood that they couldn't force them either. Their minds were made up. There were thousands against two which felt like the whole world against one. "Hephaistion, I need you alive. Do not attempt something like that again."

Hephaistion nodded though it hurt to agree but he still had deviance tightened in his fists and face. After talking down his friend, Ptolemy turned to Alexander who had been waiting. "We'll follow. We'll comply." He formulated the statement in hopes Hephaistion wouldn't pull a stunt like that again.

Alexander with inhumane eyes, put away his sword and looked at Hephaistion. "Apology accepted." He had said. It was raw, demeaning and heartless. Then he swung his body back onto his horse and continued on without words or even a glance and the men followed him to their deaths.

Ptolemy looked the most relieved but still the most suffocating. They had almost just died. They were lucky they were spared, the both of them, severely lucky.

Cassander came up next to Hephaistion shaking his head as if to tell him 'I told you'. "It's almost as if he remembered bits and pieces of you that kept you alive. But why you would kill the man who means everything to you is the more important question. Could your feelings for him finally be taking its departure?"

"Not now, Cassander!" Ptolemy growled deeply. Never was there a good time to antagonize Hephaistion with the king himself. Now wasn't the right time period. He was still processing the heart stopping moment which would have ended bad for all of them. There was no better time to piss themselves.

Hephaistion's eyes were stern and aggressive but hollow and grey and he didn't say anything glaring to himself, not once acknowledging Cassander. The truth was Alexander carried worse wounds than most but Hephaistion had darker truths. And he almost beheaded the king in front of his men. Suddenly he was in need of the precious memories they used to be able to share together, reliving the days that were ordinary, but it still didn't come.


His dad had picked him up and when they arrived home it was around 4PM. Phai was exhausted when they pulled up to the house and all he wanted to do was pass out and forget. He was surprised he didn't sleep on the plane or on the way. When he started unpacking his stuff from the back of the car he looked over at the house that used to belong to Alex and stared at it for awhile, seeing two new cars in the driveway. Reality kept tapping him on the shoulder, pestering him, reminding him that Alex was gone and nothing was going to help distract him from missing him. Amyntor noticed his son had zoned out, knew why and nudged him lovingly. "Hey. The neighbors could be nice." He said trying to cheer him up.

Phai snapped out of it and looked at his dad. "I'm sure they are." He was embarrassed he got caught.

His dad grinned. "Your mother thinks they seem a little stuck up. She was spying on them while they were moving in."

"Yea, because Alex's parents were so fun and amazing?" Phai joked. "And what is it with Callista and mom spying on the neighbors?"

"They're women." Amyntor casually shrugged.

"They're nosy." Phai corrected.

"Okay smartass, go to bed." Amyntor helped Phai grab the last of his stuff and headed inside. Phai took one more glance at the house and when he turned to go inside he heard someone call out to him. Whoever it was knew his name and everything. Phai stepped back and saw Darian carrying a big box up the driveway next door. At first he thought he was hallucinating because of jet lag then he discovered he wasn't and wondered what his swimming partner was doing next door at Alex's house.

Darian set down the box on the steps and met Phai halfway. "Hey." Phai said nervously.

"Do you live there?" The dark haired teen asked with a smile on his face.

"Uh, yea. What are you doing here? Are you visiting someone?" Phai still seemed surprised but not in a good way or a bad way, just confused.

"No, I'm just helping my parents move in."

It took awhile for Phai to react. He wasn't understanding his own feelings about it. He couldn't tell if he was insulted or not. But then that wasn't fair of him to think that way. "I guess that makes us neighbors then?" Phai finally said. He couldn't figure out why he felt that way but maybe it had something to do with a guy he knew liked him moving into his boyfriends old house. Everything was weirdly coincidental though seeming intentional. Was this a test?

"Yea, lucky me." The new neighbor grinned flirtatiously. "But uh, I'm going to college this year so you probably won't be seeing me around here often."

"Same. I'm going to be spending most of my time in a dorm room too."

"Oh yea, where?"

"Standford."

"Wow, I got accepted there too. Isn't that something. So I take that back, I will be seeing a lot of you around. Well depending on our schedule of course."

"Yea." Phai nodded, smiling back. He felt like this was a betrayal to Alex. He couldn't help but think that everything was being taken away from him. It was still too soon for him to be okay with it but there wasn't anything he could do about it. It wasn't Darian's fault for ending up in the exact place he didn't want him to be. He wasn't worried about falling for him or anything, he was just worried about things he didn't know yet. There was just a bad feeling roaming about, probably his own denial.

"Just a heads up my parents are really really nice, like annoying nice, so they are probably going to want to meet your parents. I hope that's okay."

"Yea, of course. My parents are also annoyingly nice so I guess it works out."

"Well are you going to be home in the next couple of hours? Maybe we can catch up and maybe go to the gym later."

This was the moment Phai knew his life had already changed. He didn't know what to say. He just stood there thinking of his answer. This man wasn't Alex and he didn't know what his intentions were but based on what Alex had told him, the answer should have been an easy no. Apparently he took too long and Darian chuckled sensing that he wasn't feeling it.

"I mean, if you can't we won't. I don't want to pressure you or anything."

"Sorry, not tonight." Phai felt bad. "I just came back from the airport and I'm exhausted. But maybe tomorrow?"

"Anytime works for me."

"Great." Phai shifted uneasily.

"I'll see you later." Darian winked and turned to head back to the house but then he stopped Phai again. "Hey, if Alex cares to join us that would be fun too."

Phai wasn't expecting him to mention Alex. He wasn't expecting a lot of things really but shit kept happening. "I wish but Alex isn't here anymore. He's back in Colorado now. I just got back from dropping him off actually." He sounded sad about it but tried his best to look and stay positive. He didn't want this guy knowing his feelings. He hadn't earned it yet.

"I'm sorry to hear that. You two are good though, right?"

"Yea. Absolutely. We are great." It wasn't a lie but it wasn't truthful either. "He's going to be, uh, a little surprised to know that you're the one who moved in."

"Why?"

"He was my neighbor. That's his house. Well, not anymore." Phai cleared his throat, realizing how bad he was at coping with change. At least when Alex went away the first time, his father stayed behind so there was that hope he'd come back, which he did. This time the house was sold to total strangers, things were final, with no part of Alex ever coming back there. But maybe that didn't matter anymore since Phai was no longer going to be around much longer, going from a dorm, to an apartment, to a house of his own one day. But the thought still counted. The memories still mattered and maybe things will go back to normal when Alex moved back in a year.

Darian look somewhat amused. "Well the house is immaculate. You should tell him that. My parents are extremely satisfied."

"I'll let him know." Phai had no clue that Darian was actually being degrading. He should have known by the little smirk and simple nod but Phai just wasn't thinking. That was the problem with charm. Sometimes they reeked of superficial hospitality. Alex was always genuine, always aligned with how he felt. He never had to worry about him pretending to like him.

"Well, I'll see you around Phai. Have a good night."

"Yea, same to you." Phai turned and quickly went back inside. He went straight to his room to go to bed, plagued with the thought that Alex was never coming back.


The Journey Home, Gedrosian Desert

The travel through the desert was a brutal one. The only optimistic one being the king himself, who pushed the men through as if they were in a lush green valley. He didn't seem to respond to the heat well over a dangerous level like the rest of them.

Cassander expressed the madness as another way of Alexander punishing them, for uniting against his dreams. It was a quick yet painful way to break their spirits. It was difficult to invalidate the green eyed general because they too wouldn't put it past Alexander to be this petty. There was something off about the king who was obviously feverish, dehydrated and delusional. Alexander had ignored the route Nearchus had given him and the guides had lost their way and then they had plunged right into a deadly disaster. It happened just the way Hephaistion feared it would happen but it never crossed his mind that Alexander would ever use these means as a way to punish the men. Most of these men followed willingly and blindly. Alexander would have moved through the desert by himself if the people decided to follow Craterus instead. But for now, and for sixty days they would watch their men die one by one.

But as always, despite everything he had become, the generals were concerned for Alexander who had refused any water or food as he was the first privileged and also the most deprived. He looked worse than the dead man and animals who had fell behind the sandy trail and acted aggressive towards anyone who offered him help. And any water they had come by, the men, desperate for the touch of it to cool them, to quench them, had spoiled the pool with their dirty and bloody bodies making it undrinkable and Alexander continued forward through the drifting and blistering sand into the unknown. They tried to find the way by the sun and stars but didn't know enough. Alexander encouraged them to keep South, and they followed as if they had sold their souls to him.

More weeks passed and their belongings, even the royal tent was swept away by heavy winds and rains. They lost their stuff, even weapons, but gained some drinking water when the rain hit. Soon that drinking water became lethal when the men drank too much of it. They couldn't catch a break and Alexander wasn't going to allow them. He saw beyond the sun.

"He hates us." Cassander had said, after drinking from his water jug and wiping his chapped lips from the spilled liquid, offering nothing at all.

They were taking a break with the little shelter they had, with red, blistering and peeling skin. Cassander, Hephaistion and Ptolemy all in one group covered by a half-ass pitched tent made with blankets. It was far to big a hassle to keep building tents and collapsing them. Meleager and the older generals were in their own little gathering, no doubt thinking of ways to poison Alexander in his sleep. Hephaistion had to worry about it because if there was a perfect time to do it, it would be now so he kept watchful eyes on them. But he did warn them and they didn't listen.

"He doesn't hate us." Answered Ptolemy but had no follow up. He was laying down, his eyes all the way closed and his head being propped up by Hephaistion's thigh. Hephaistion preferred to mind his own business while sharpening his small knife with a rock for no reason at all. Everyone seemed lost in their own head, suffering their own unique boredom in the land which no longer made sense.

"Why can't he see that we're suffering. That we'll die out here? He's just as exhausted but won't admit it. Is he too prideful that he can't admit that he took us down the worst path?" Cassander's intention was to rile them up but they were far to exhausted for that. And it was Cassander. It was expected. "We have no more transport animals and we lost almost everything. He hates us." He said again.

"But at least we have food and don't have to resort to eating each other. Yet."

Cassander didn't find that funny. Lately Ptolemy thought he was the funniest man in the world laughing at his own stupid jokes. But in truth, the heat was making them crazy and Ptolemy was trying to remain as sane as possible. "Why we didn't just leave with Craterus was a huge mistake. Those men are going to live and prosper while the sand tears our flesh away, little by little. Does that thought not give you goosebumps?"

Ptolemy exhaled dryly and covered his face with a random piece of clothing to keep his face from burning off and to help block out Cassander. "Hush. No one gave you permission to speak."

Cassander shrugged while popping some meat in his mouth. He then looked to Hephaistion who hadn't said much since they've been out there, no doubt conversing with his demons. "You haven't spoke much since this journey to our second death began. This is a safe place, Hephaistion. You can openly express how disappointed you are. We can all see it on your face anyway."

Hephaistion, not in the mood to get into another altercation with Cassander or be analyzed by the man he could actually relate to when it came to disappointments, just stood and left them.

Ptolemy leaned his head up and glared at Cassander. "I was comfortable dammit!" He angrily said. "I told you to shut your fucking mouth."

Cassander snickered. "Relax. He'll be fine. He just needs to think things over." He continued eating, while keeping vigilant eyes on the one who had stormed off.

Hephaistion went to sit further away from the camp and as he strolled to a perfect spot, as peaceful of a spot as it could get in an open dry barren he was at least happy he was far from the rowdy men. He could sit and think and be alone just like he was used to. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes and when he opened them, he knew right away it wasn't a dream. It wasn't even a mirage. It was him seeing what he wanted to see and he saw two young boys playing together, running in circles across the desert ground, chasing each other with laughs of joy. Hephaistion smiles at the fantasy. How he wished to be young again, how he desired the days he felt more at home. It was when the blonde boy goes too far and the brown haired boy can't catch up that he stands and calls his name in sync with his young self.

"Alexander!"

He caught a glimpse of the king up on a hill. It was no longer his imagination. No one had eyes on Alexander and he was far from them. He could have been scoping out the land for a new way out but he immediately sensed that something else was wrong.

Alexander didn't hear him. He couldn't. He was too far away. He shouldn't have been venturing so far out by himself, especially in his condition. But the men were exhausted and their worries were excessive causing them not to think clearly and Alexander was probably up to his normal reckless shit. They just wanted to rest and Alexander just wanted to keep going. No one could keep up with him and no one would want to after Hephaistion saw what the king was walking towards. He didn't give it a second thought and immediately ran after him. The men had turned and stood, hearing Hephaistion calling out for the king and saw why and suddenly the sun was blocked out and shade grew over the entire land.

It was a storm, a bad one, traveling quick. Ptolemy urgently shouted for the people to gather as many things as they could save and to take cover. The last storm was a merciful one but still cruel. This one looked like it drove against all odds. No wonder why Alexander was attracted to her.

"Here we go again." Cassander grunted as he got to his feet to go help.

Panic struck when the purple lightning and roaring thunder sang and danced to the hymn of the men's cries. Was Alexander that foolish that he would walk into a storm like that or did his brain finally melt away with the rest of him?

Hephaistion could hear his friend calling him, telling him to turn back, but Hephaistion chose to plunge through the harsh direction focused more on saving Alexander's incompetent ass.

"Alexander!" Hephaistion tried calling out to him again but the thunder overlapped his voice.

Alexander, stopping upon high ground and mystified, fell to his knees with a childlike smile on his face. He stretched out his arms and called upon his father, Zeus. While everyone ran from it, he welcomed it, knowing who he forever belonged to.

Ptolemy was about to go after Hephaistion but Cassander pulled him back. They were both then blinded by the sand that swept over them. The sand storm was powerful enough to wipe out the men completely. It was as graceful as the dance of woman but as destructive as a man desperate to survive against a swinging blade. The men began to flee as far as they could before the current became to strong.

Meanwhile, Alexander was in his very own world, clueless to the befall. "Hi father." He said. "We meet again." His knees cutting through the sands that cut him back. He swore Zeus answered him and his smile grew more brilliant and more peaceful and seemed to be protected from the storm.

"Alexander!" Cried Hephaistion again, having lost sight of him but he wasn't a fan of losing sight of his king. He'd find him. That was his duty to find Alexander when Alexander is lost.

As if his prayers had been heard, a single ray of light from the sun poking through the darkness singled Alexander out and Hephaistion rushed to him as quickly as the push back of the storm allowed. When he got to the king he managed to clutch his wrist and pull him back to him.

"We have to go back!" Hephaistion shouted, covering his eyes from the harsh wetness and the stinging blades of dust.

"Release me!" Alexander tried to break free from him but the general had a secured hand on him.

"Alexander, don't be stupid, these forces will kill you."

"Zeus looks over me!" He exclaimed, entranced by the powers before him.

"You're wrong. I look over you." Hephaistion was certain this was the father of the gods testing him.

"We were taught to embrace death. He has come for us. He's come to take us away. Let me be free. Let us all be free!"

Hephaistion yanked the easily deceived king harder this time. "I must have missed that lecture. Let's go!"

The thunder boomed. Maybe Alexander wasn't as crazy as everyone thought because Hephaistion saw it too. Bolts of lightning coursing and ripping apart the sky. It was the heartbeat of Zeus and he was trying to communicate something and the two men looking up knew what the god wanted from them. One was willing to go but the other would never allow it.

Hephaistion, already having to compete with every god for Alexander, angrily roared towards the sky telling the god to fuck off with the rest of them. "After everything I went through to save him, you're just going to have to wait a little longer!" Fed up, Hephaistion kicked Alexander in his bad leg, behind the knee and the king collapsed. It was the easiest way to get him to stop resisting and he began to drag the king away from Zeus's grip but it was too late and the core of the storm swallowed them whole. Hephaistion, with eyes tightly shut had draped his body over Alexander's and held him against the sand tides.

The violent storm sung to them. And Zeus laughed and it kept the puny men who didn't have any cover other than themselves, not flat against the ground but curled up and bowed. They knew the drill, if they were to move, the fight against the winds would be much more difficult. They stayed put until the storm passed and before they looked up it had disappeared like it never happened. The sun was unblocked and it would be another month until they were home. The men didn't realize how much they missed Babylon. Before, they dreamt of going home back to Macedonia to hug and kiss their families, but that was a further dream. Now they dreamt of resting in their soft beds, with slaves cooling them off with large palm leaves and feeding them fresh fruits at the beautiful capitol of Persia. They'd call it home if it meant making it out alive from this dreaded place.

Recovering, Ptolemy ordered the rest of the generals to make sure everyone was okay as he ran out towards the direction Hephaistion and Alexander were to see if they survived as they were right where the first impact was.

At long last, Hephaistion pushed away from Alexander when he figured they were both safe. He began to cough, having breathed in the sand. The king only looked confused as to what happened, confused as to where they were. After his coughing fit, Hephaistion looked over to Alexander. The king had pushed to his hands and knees, rolling the rough sand through his scraped bleeding palm admiring it like he never seen it before though they had been trotting through it just to survive for weeks. He released it and stood, stumbling a bit, and looked around at the open space with no clear end or beginning. Indifferent eyes widened in dread. "We're not supposed to be here." He said pitifully. "Why are we here?"

Seeing how Alexander wasn't taking any responsibility for almost getting them both killed, Hephaistion yelled. "You lead us here!"

"No." Alexander looked genuinely confused. "I would never."

Hephaistion grew even more angry. He couldn't believe it. "You did! We tried to stop you and you threatened to kill us!"

"No, that's impossible." Alexander shook his head, sand and water slipping from his matted gold hair. "There were trees and water and shafts of beautiful sunlight. This wasn't the place."

"Look around you. There has only been death." Hephaistion reminded him, looking around just as lost but for different reasons.

"I saw home. We were almost home." Alexander said, swallowing pain again. "I saw it myself." He was sure of it.

Hephaistion sighed bitterly, not knowing what was going on his head and frustrated about it. He used to be able to read Alexander's every expression, every movement, every word. But he wasn't in any mood to comfort the king or to reassure him of anything else. He was tired of saving the man who continues to betray him in every way. "You're seeing things, Alexander." With a hint of anger and exhaustion Hephaistion headed back towards the men, leaving the king where he was to figure it out.

When he caught up to them, Ptolemy's eyes dimmed with worry and a bit of relief seeing Hephaistion alive but without the king. "Are you okay?" He asked. "Where's Alexander?"

"He's back there." That was all Hephaistion said before leaving Ptolemy to it. There was nothing to note by his tone of voice. It was firm and straight. Everything Ptolemy needed to know was all read in his face. Simply put, Hephaistion was not happy.

Alexander was gazing ahead, literally looking at a different world before him. "We're not supposed to be here." He repeated.

Ptolemy came up behind him and placed a hesitant hand on the kings shoulder. "You assured us this path would get us to our destination quicker. Do you not remember?"

Alexander opened his mouth to speak but couldn't, horrified by himself. He shook his head with tears in his eyes realizing he had just killed his men. Not the storm, not the battles, their own king killed them. His dad had told him one night they were actually getting along that it was dangerous to see what others could not. His father also told him that Alexander would be a greater king than him one day. So far, it hasn't been true.

"Come, Alexander. Let's get you back." Ptolemy said softly and stretched an arm out to gently pull him away from what it was Alexander was staring at. They figured out the longer he stared at things that weren't there, the more lost he'd become.

"No!" Alexander cried out, reaching out towards nothing. "No!" He screamed fighting back. Eventually Ptolemy just hugged him until he alleviated some of his grief.

They will never know what it was he was seeing and they didn't want to. They'd tremble. Perhaps he saw nothing or maybe he saw the spirits of the men who wasted away because of him. He cried and cried out the same way he cried when he realized he had killed his good friend, Cleitus the Black. Alexander had done bad things. But he didn't do enough bad to have everything human stolen from him, pushing him over the edge into insanity. And he no longer had the sight of the moon to guide him towards a better light.

He needed Hephaistion but couldn't remember him. No matter how hard he tried.


I just want to give a shout out and as many 'thank you's' as I possibly can to all who have stuck with this story and to those who were even interested at one point in time. Without you, your patience and your many positive and constructive comments, I would have never picked the story up again. I would have never made it as far as other things are concerned. I do understand that it is taking awhile, I apologize for it, but I also know that it will get done. Thank you for hanging in there. Thank you so much for taking the time out of your day to open and engage with my very long tale. Thank you so much for being there for me. Your concerns are heard, your reviews are read and I am grateful and I love you and I hope to see you at the very end.

Also, I am happy that I am still seeing authors post more stories on this fandom. Thank you for not letting Alexander die.

-Love Stranger