Chapter 47
"Before you came things were just what they were:
the road precisely a road, the horizon fixed,
the limit of what could be seen,
a glass of wine was no more than a glass of wine.
With you the world took on the spectrum
radiating from my heart: your eyes gold
as they open to me, slate the color
that falls each time I lost all hope…
As for the sky, the road, the cup of wine:
one was my tear-drenched shirt,
the other an aching nerve,
the third a mirror that never reflected the same thing…"
- Faiz Ahmed Faiz [Before You Came]
The world was a blur as Rose ran up from the dungeons and down the corridor to the entrance hall. Someone called her name, but she didn't stop to see who. Shoving open the doors, she sprinted out across the courtyard towards the grounds, her hair whipping into wild tangles behind her. She paused at the top of the hill, trying to decide which way he would have gone to disapparate; towards Hogsmeade or towards the train station? Remembering his nostalgia for the Hogwart's Express she took off down the hill in that direction, praying she hadn't made the wrong choice once again. As she ran down the path towards the station, she slipped on the loose gravel, but managed to catch herself with her hands, scraping only her palms and her knees. Rose didn't notice the pain, she only had room in her mind at the moment for one objective—she had to make it in time. Cresting one of the smaller hills, she caught sight of the gate and the train tracks and a tall man stepping out of one of the black thestral-drawn carriages.
"Remus!" She shouted, trying to make herself heard across the distance even though she was panting and breathless. "Remus, wait!"
She saw him pause and turn—he had seen her. Rose felt herself smile and begin to cry at the same time. She'd made it. She felt tears streaming down her cheeks as she ran, saw him set his trunk down and open his arms to her. And suddenly she was in them, nearly knocking him over in her exuberance, her arms closing around his waist while his went around her shoulders. She was crying into his chest—long hard sobs that shook her whole body. This was not how she'd wanted him to see her. She'd wanted to arrive calm and collected looking beautiful and desirable and worth staying for. Instead she was a mess, her face was blotchy, and her nose ran, and her hair was in tangles, and she could hardly breathe from the run, but it didn't matter. She'd made it, and she was there in his arms.
"Rose," Remus said softly into her ear, stroking her hair soothingly. "Hush now."
"Y—you can't l—leave," she stammered out. "Th—they c—can't sack you."
"Breathe, pet, try to calm down," he said, pushing her away far enough that he could look into her eyes. When he did this, he noticed her bleeding knees and palms and his gaze became one of concern. "You're hurt."
"I f—fell," she managed to get out, gesturing back up at the gravel road. Taking her hands gently in his own, he guided her to sit on his trunk and pulled out his wand. As he knelt and busied himself with cleaning and bandaging her scrapes, Rose tried to memorize each hair on his head—which were brown and which were gray. She reached out and touched his cheek, trying her best to avoid his fresh scars.
"Do they hurt?"
"Not too much," he said, giving her a small smile, but his eyes were sad.
"Remus, you have to stay, I'll talk to Dumbledore. I'll tell him what really happened—"
"He knows," Remus said, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear.
"How could he sack you knowing what—"
"He didn't sack me Rose," Lupin said, looking at her seriously, and she furrowed her brow in confusion. "I resigned this morning."
"You… why?" She asked, and he laughed bitterly.
"After last night, how could I not? I could have turned one of you into a werewolf; I could have killed you."
"No, I—I understand that. I think you're wrong, but I understand," she corrected, taking one of his hands in her own and looking straight into his eyes. "But why were you going to leave without saying goodbye?"
Remus looked at the ground and stood, brushing the dirt off his knees. Rose hurriedly stood as well, looking up at him expectantly.
"You promised I'd see you when I woke up," she pressed.
"I thought it would be… easier," he said still not meeting her gaze.
"Why would you think that?" Rose asked, tears pricking at the corner of her eyes once again.
"I was afraid if I saw you, I wouldn't have the strength to leave," he said, meeting her eyes at last.
"Then stay," she whispered pleadingly.
"Rose, I can't."
"Then let me come with you," she said immediately, stepping closer to him and grasping both his hands in her own.
"Rose," he said with a sigh. "You have to stay."
"I don't have to do anything," she protested. "I want to come with you, I want to be with you. I—Remus, I love you."
She'd said it. The three words she'd been keeping to herself for weeks and the feelings she'd been denying for months were at last in the open. She looked down at the ground nervously, afraid of how he'd react. She tensed up when he freed one of his hands from her grip, but he only put his fingers beneath her chin and tilted her face up to look at him. His eyes were warm, and a smile tugged at his lips. He ran his thumb across her chin, leaned in, and kissed her hard on the mouth. He pulled her tightly against him, and she buried her hands in his hair. His own hands were gripping her hips so tightly she was sure she'd have bruises, but she didn't care. For a wonderful moment she thought she had convinced him—only later did she realize it was a kiss goodbye.
They broke apart panting, and she leaned back in for another kiss. Remus gripped her upper arms and gently pushed her away. She huffed at this, grinning up at him cheekily. The grin faded when she saw the forlorn look in his eyes.
"Remus," she begged. "Please…."
"Rose, if I let you give up everything to come with me, it won't be long before that love turns to resentment," he said softly, and Rose shook her head in denial. "It won't be long before my identity as a werewolf becomes a public scandal. I won't be able to find a job, anyone close to me will be publicly shunned, you'll be an outcast—hated by your family, by strangers, by everyone. I can't bear that."
"I don't care," she protested, tears starting to fall again. He smiled at her sadly and brushed the tears from her face.
"You will, Rose. Before long, you will," he assured her. He cupped her face in his hands while silent tears slid down her cheeks, giving her the beautiful boyish smile she so adored. "You have your whole future ahead of you. Don't give all that up for one tired old werewolf."
"But… I love you," she said in a choked voice.
"You're the one who told me this was enough," he reminded gently, and Rose closed her eyes tight against the tears. At the time she'd said those words, she'd truly believed them.
"I lied," she whispered.
She felt his lips on hers once more. And the kiss was sadder and gentler this time, his fingers cool on her hot cheeks. She kept her eyes closed when he drew back, and his fingers slid from her face. She didn't dare to open them as he picked up his trunk and stepped past her. Only when she heard the soft pop of him disapparating did she allow her eyes to flicker open to see that she stood there quite alone. Rose sank to her knees beside the gate, shoulders shaking in silent heartbroken sobs.
Rose wasn't sure how long she knelt there crying, but eventually her eyes were so dry that no more tears would come. Instead of sadness, she just felt numb; she knew the sorrow would return but for now it was kept in check by a wall of apathy. Wrapping her arms around herself, she began making her way slowly back up to the castle, stumbling occasionally on loose gravel. The whispers started as soon as she walked back through the entrance, and Rose self-consciously ran her hands through her very tangled hair and drew her robe closed over her pajamas. All she wanted was to crawl back into bed and block out the world.
"Miss Malfoy."
"What!" Rose snapped, turning with a glare and barred teeth on whomever dared speak to her. A blush immediately colored her cheeks, and she coughed awkwardly. "I'm so sorry, Headmaster."
"Not at all, my dear," he said with a twinkle in his blue eyes. "Forgive me for keeping you from much needed sleep, but I believe it's time we spoke."
"Of course, sir," Rose said immediately, following him down the corridor, past the gargoyle, and up the spiral staircase to his office. She really didn't want to do this right now but couldn't see a way out of it. Shortly after, she was sitting down across from his desk, and he was offering her a cup of tea. She accepted the drink just to have something to do and was surprised to find her hand trembling as she lifted the cup to her lips. Taking a sip, she hastily set the shaking cup back on its saucer with a loud clink. Dumbledore was observing her over steepled fingers.
"I understand you had a long night. Professor Lupin, Mr. Potter, and Miss Granger were kind enough to fill me in on the details. Harry said you were very brave chasing Peter into the forest the way you did."
"You know about Peter Pettigrew?" She asked in surprise.
"Oh yes, I was able to speak with Sirius last night before his rescue."
"Rescue?"
"I think I will leave it to Mr. Potter and his friends to give you all the riveting details. But suffice it to say that both Sirius and Buckbeak have escaped to safety."
"Buckbeak…" Rose mumbled in numb amazement.
"You helped save many lives last night."
"I didn't do anything," Rose said, staring at the desk. "I let Pettigrew escape. If it weren't for me, Sirius would be free."
"The ability to blame yourself for something out of your control is a trait both you and your brother share. I am not saying it isn't an understandable feeling—simply an unhelpful one."
Rose took another sip of tea, unsure how to feel about his words. It wasn't as if she could stop feeling like a failure just because he said the feeling was pointless.
"I will not, however, pretend that Pettigrew's escape is not cause for serious concern," he continued, and Rose glanced up at him curiously. "I have reason to believe that he will return to Lord Voldemort, and the help of even one servant may be enough to drastically change his circumstances."
"I… why are you telling me this?"
"To put you on guard," he said seriously. "Contrary to what I might have wished, you have grown up in a family with deep ties to Voldemort and are now to marry into another family with just as dark a history. Should he begin to regain power, it is impossible that you will go unnoticed by him."
Rose felt a shiver run down her spine at this pronouncement.
"My parents love me—" she began in weak protest.
"Much to my surprise—and, I believe, theirs as well—I do believe in the sincerity of the deep feelings both Lucius and Narcissa have come to feel for you over the years. You seem to have the unique talent for making others love you—do not misunderstand me," he corrected at the look of anger that came over her face at this comment. "I do not suggest you do this purposefully, only that you are a very likeable young woman. But you will not be able to rely on these charms in the face of a wizard who does not know what it means to love."
"I… understand," she said after a long moment. "You think it likely that he will come back?"
"I think it to be only a question of when and how," Dumbledore told her seriously. "And I must ask that you at least consider informing either myself or Professor Snape should anything of his return come to your attention."
"You're asking me to become a spy? Against my own family?"
"No my dear, I am simply asking that you continue to exercise the wonderful conscience you have begun to develop this year and judge best what should be done if such circumstances arise," he said genially. Rose narrowed her eyes at him, quite sure that he'd both insulted her and muddled a very simple request. She had to give him credit though, using her conscience sounded much more palatable than spying on the Dark Lord's actions.
"I will… keep that in mind," she said noncommittally.
"To that end, I would suggest that you ask Professor Snape to continue studying occlumency under his tutelage—I understand he is a close friend of your family and don't think your continued interactions would raise suspicion."
"But Professor!" she protested, her cheeks flaring red with anger. "After what he did to Sirius and Remus—"
"I must insist," Dumbledore told her firmly. "Even if we never speak again, I must impress upon you how much you will regret it if you do not prepare yourself further."
Rose could only nod silently, her insides still burning with rage over the idea of speaking to Severus Snape, let alone asking him for any help.
"Is there anything else, sir," she asked tensely, and Professor Dumbledore sat back in his chair, unsteepled his fingers, and looked at her sadly.
"There is one last thing about which I believe I must, in my official role as Headmaster, express my sternest disapproval—the romantic relationship that developed between yourself and Professor Lupin this year." Had Rose been drinking tea she would have spat it all over the desk. Instead, her face drained of every drop of color.
"He—he told you—"
"This morning upon giving his resignation," Dumbledore informed her, and Rose was embarrassed to find that her eyes had gone misty again. "I must tell you how inappropriate this kind of behavior was for any teacher and student whether the student was of age or not."
"I understand, sir," she said in a whisper.
"Though I noticed your own attraction—quite obvious, I must say—I was surprised to find that they had become reciprocated. But, as I said before, you are a very likeable young woman, and Remus Lupin has, most unfairly, been isolated from all hope of love for a very long time."
"It was my fault, sir, I didn't listen when he tried to say it was inappropriate—"
"Miss Malfoy, I think you'll find that where two consenting adults are involved there are usually two to share the blame, however I am not interested in assigning blame or punishment, merely to make my sentiments known."
"Yes, Headmaster. I'm… I'm sorry," she said defeatedly, looking down at her lap.
"And now that I have done my duty as Headmaster, I must tell you—unofficially of course—that it has been a great many years since I have seen Remus Lupin as happy as he has been this year and that the changes your love for him his wrought in you were beyond my wildest hopes. I mean to say that though we cannot choose who to fall in love with, that the love you two shared brought out the very best in you both," he said kindly, and Rose felt tears on her cheeks again and buried her face in her hands to hide them while she cried.
AN: Oh man, it had to be this poem again, it's really the inspiration for and heartbeat of Rose and Remus' relationship. You could say that the full poem (which you can read back in chapter 5) is an ending they'll have to grow into. I am promising a happy ending for them eventually, I love Remus, and he deserves that. For me, at this point in their relationship and with him leaving Hogwarts, I just couldn't envision him acting in any other way that would allow him to stay faithful to his personality. I love you all, please don't hate me.
One chapter left to wrap Part 1 up! I can't believe we've come so far so fast. I can't believe I wrote a book length fanfic in just over a month, and I already have so many ideas for Part 2 and beyond!
