Hello, everyone and happy new year! Finally, about time. I really hope that this year things will get better for all of you and the people you love and that this year will be kinder to us all. And I also hope it'll give me more inspiration and time to write more chapters and maybe more stories, who knows... Now, I believe I've said enough! On to chapter 39!
Everything was a blur. It was already bad enough with the fog all around, but with tearful eyes, things weren't any easier. Still Regina just kept running, without knowing nor caring about where she was going. All that mattered at the moment was to get away.
While Varian just kept following her. Or maybe kept trying to follow her. He had trouble with that yesterday, but now with the fog it just got worse. Why was it that first thing in the morning he had to chase after her... again?
All the while he was calling out for her, telling her to wait, asking where she was, but of course she wasn't giving any answer.
She couldn't be found. Not at this moment, not at this state. She just kept going as fast as she could, hoping for the sound of steps behind her to disappear somewhere along the way...
...
That sound... Suddenly it felt louder than the voice above it. And was it... was it closing in?
No...
Does running on grass and dirt sound the same as running on marble?
No!
Was it raining?!
STOP!
...
...
...
That's what she did. All of a sudden, she had stopped. And not only that. She had fallen. She was on her hands and knees facing a lake, her breathing labored, both from the running and the tears that kept rolling down her face.
Before she could actually notice her reflection, she clumsily moved away, barely catching herself from hiding her face in her hands. Instead she turned to a second instinct, that of hugging herself and curling into a ball. And only when she did, she finally truly allowed herself to let it all out.
She always hated this...
Letting herself get emotional like that! Ruining everything the exact moment that she couldn't afford it...!
Why?! Why did she have to be like that?! What did she ever do to deserve any of this?!
Are you really asking that?
...
Why did you turn away?
She clutched her head, feeling as though she wanted to rip her hair out. She bent even more, her knees hiding her face.
"I am not obliged to tell you anything! I don't owe you anything!"
Her own words played in her mind again, and they felt so loud and so grating-!
What happened that night?
"Stop..." She mumbled to herself, but her voice was lost into her sobs.
Why are you such a bi-
"STOOOOP!" This time she screamed, sounding so hoarse and distorted, that she almost didn't recognize her own voice.
She shook her head, as if it would somehow send away all those horrible thoughts. But they were still there. Demanding her attention, her tears, her pain. And she was too weak to refuse them. All she could do was stay, suffer them and cry, until her body had no tears left for them. That was how it had always been. And how it would always be.
Not much later, standing behind some bushes, Varian finally found the princess (after that scream it wasn't that hard.). Though he wasn't really sure what he should do. He was angry, frustrated with her. At how she refused to help him, and later answer him, but now...
Seeing her like that felt odd. It made him feel a weight on his chest and a knot around his stomach. He knew that feeling perhaps too well:
Guilt...
...But should there really be anything to feel guilty about?
He was right to want to learn what was going on with him-his dream. He tried asking her to help him, but she was being difficult, unreasonable. She even tore the scroll, just because-
Because...
"STOP!"
That look in her eyes.
Deadly and tired. Right after a hard-won battle... turning into something vulnerable and hurt, with only a tear.
Because he crossed a line.
He hurt her.
And that look on her face, the scream he heard before, the girl that was now crying her eyes out, trying to shut the world out...
He did it. All of it.
Now he could only stare at her, feeling that guilt dragging him down, not allowing him to move or even look away. While at the same time, he could hear a distant sound whispering in his ears.
Steps from behind... followed by swords clashing... and a scream-!
He quietly gasped as he stumbled back, feeling as though he had lost both his balance and his breath for a moment.
From his place across his friend's shoulders, Rudiger chittered at him curiously. But instead of answering, Varian just turned around and started walking away, his eyes bearing a clouded, nervous look, only to be stopped by a quite stern-looking raccoon that jumped off his shoulders and in front of him.
"What?" He half-whispered in a tense voice.
Rudiger pointed at the princess, still glaring at him with that stern look and now giving him an equally stern series of chitterings.
"What?! Are you- I can't just-..." Varian stumbled on his words, while trying to shush the critter, until he sat on his knees and he approached him. The young alchemist turned away and closed his eyes for a moment before he spoke, suddenly having difficulty looking at his friend. "...I'm the last person she'd want to see right now, buddy. Even if I go there, I'll only make things worse. She'll just stand up and run away again."
Hardly a second passed after he stopped and Rudiger started rummaging through his satchel, soon bringing out and giving the alchemist one of his stickbombs. Specifically, the new type, the one he combined with a failed attempt from... the last day.
Even before the boiling bubbles, that day's experiments had made quite the mess and that orange disaster wasn't an exception. However, he still cleaned them up. And the latter proved to be pretty useful later...
This time, though, things weren't as simple. This time the mess was far too big and-
...
He couldn't afford any more.
He'd better get started then.
"All right. I'll try." He said with a sigh, as he put the stickbomb back and turned towards Regina.
She was still crying, her back turned on him. But upon hearing his footsteps getting closer she stopped for a moment, without turning to face him though.
"Umm... princess..." He begun, rubbing his arm, awkwardness and nervousness in his voice.
She didn't say or do anything else to show she acknowledged his presence, and he went closer, about to sit next to her. But she immediately turned away, behind a large nearby tree.
"I. Order you. Leave me alone...!" She growled in between sobs.
"...Listen, I-"
"I SAID LEAVE ME ALONE!" She screamed as he tried again getting closer and he jumped back.
Varian turned back to look at Rudiger, who seemed to wear the same concerned look as him. But he was quick to change it and motion at him to try again. This time, instead of going next to her, the young alchemist went and sat against the tree she was sitting behind.
For a while, the only sound that was heard was the princess' soft whimpers, as she tried to compose herself.
She then dared to take a glimpse behind her, and noticed he was still there, sitting against the other side of the tree. Not saying or doing anything. Not even looking her way...
Why did he have to be there though? To rub more salt in the wound?
But, he'd be yelling if that was the case, wouldn't he? And he wasn't. Not now, not before. Many times she expected him to, but he didn't (on most of them at least). So...
"...What do you want?" She finally asked, her voice still a little weary and shaky from all the crying.
It took Varian a moment to answer, mostly because he was surprised that she actually spoke first after her outbusrsts. "I... I just wanted to say... I'm sorry."
She felt weird hearing those words, and she started shaking again.
"I overstepped back there and... I said things I shouldn't have." He carried on, his words ringing with sincerity and regret.
"...Yes, you did! So now what? You expect me to answer your stupid questions just because you said you're sorry?!" She spat, holding herself tighter.
"No, I-"
"Oh, save it and cut it with this nonense already! You're just wasting both of our time!"
"So, is that what you call all you've been though? Nonsense?" He didn't raise or change his voice in any way as he spoke.
And still Regina felt like those words stabbed her. "I... W-why are you like this?! Why must you keep asking me?! Why do you even care?! I was finally somehow fine! I was finally starting to somehow forget, so why do you have to force me into remembering all of this?! Nothing good will come from knowing! Nothing's ever gonna change for either of us!" Damn, the tears were coming back. "...Nothing... nothing will change. There's no point in any of this. You may think it'll... it'll somehow fix everything, or put it all into place or whatever, but... all it'll do is cause pain. So it's better to let go. It's better to forget."
Hearing her say all of this, something inside Varian hurt and his eyes had started stinging. Everything she said, the possibility (if not certainty) of pain that would come with the answers he wanted, deep down he knew it could exist, but he never really thought it could be like that. And looking back on it, it made him feel kind of dumb. But...
"But I never said it." Varian said after a moment, Rudiger's presence on his lap helping his own tears stay at bay. "That by knowing, things will automatically get better. I know they can't. But I also know first-hand that hiding and running can only get you this far. I mean... if I knew about Gothel chasing us, maybe I could have done something to help, instead of making everything harder for my Father. Or if I could learn something about... about those dreams I've been having, or the reason behind that occasional lightshow on my head... I could understand what's going on and what to do about it. Instead of just... being scared."
This time, Regina carefully turned around a little, just for a glimpse, her expression curious and somehow softer.
"Maybe you're right. Learning the truth can and will hurt. But it can also give you a chance to move on. It's up to you really to decide what you'll do with it. And I think it's better than running away blindly."
"But... what if you're not ready to face that truth?"
Something in her voice was telling Varian that she wasn't talking about him. "Then I guess... you take your time. Until you feel ready to. And... that's okay." Those sensations on his chest and his stomach returned and this time he couldn't help but shed a few tears.
But they were soon both covered a little by two other sensations. Both on his hands.
Under his right hand was the frame of a raccoon, letting out a soft, reassuring trill while wrapping his small striped tail around him.
And above his left hand was the hand of a princess, still a little shaky, still without a look his way and still offering and asking the same thing as him.
With a silent, tearful smile he petted the raccoon and held back the princess' hand.
She had merely half of a smile across her face, as she fiddled with something in her other hand.
And they both whispered the same words, each loud enough only for themselves to hear:
"Thank you. I'm sorry."
This is it for now! Fun fact about this chapter: While writing it, I teared up more than once. And it kind of makes me scared about what will happen with the ones that will come later... But anyways, I hope you enjoyed! See you soon! Bye for now! And please stay safe and healthy :) (and please leave a review).
