A/N: Told you I wouldn't make you wait long for the second part.

Part two is even more complex, so buckle up. This two part chapter is lots and lots of words, and a lot to take in. I know everyone is eager to get back to the present day and find out what the heck is happening in Rosewood. As always, I appreciate the patience. I know if I was on the other end I'd be ready to strangle me for the suspense.

This one has a lot more Emily/Courtney interactions so I warn you to tread carefully.


Chapter 40:

San Antonio Sunset (II)

Nick held her hand on the way to the hospital. Courtney didn't say a word. She didn't cry. She didn't react at all.

In the emergency room the doctors told them what they already knew. The baby was gone.

They couldn't tell her parents. They didn't know anything about the pregnancy. They would kill him if they knew. Darren had been helping them out financially. He knew he could send the hospital bill to him.

When Isaac showed up at her bedside she was confused. He looked at her like she was small and fragile. She didn't realize he was alarmed because of her pale skin and the sickly frail frame of her body.

"Are you okay?" he asked quietly.

He looked sweaty. He'd probably been at the gym. He'd probably been with Emily. She angrily twisted the sheets in between her fingers when she thought about the brunette.

"Why are you here?" Courtney snapped.

Isaac looked annoyed, but then relieved. His sister was still his sister. She clearly wasn't dying. She had enough bite in her to latch on to his jugular.

"You were unconscious on the locker room floor from what I'm told. I'm sorry if I thought you might have brain damage." He rolled his eyes.

"Brain damage." She growled. "You'd love that wouldn't you? Keep me locked up in some nuthouse somewhere while mom and dad drool over their golden child." She scoffed.

"I'm not..."

He stopped when he saw her face contort in pain. She closed her eyes, a passing wave of pain leftover from the bleeding. She grunted. He reached out and tried to hold her hand, but she yanked it away. She didn't want to be touched. She was already broken enough.

"Seriously, why are you here?"

"I'm worried about you. Is it a crime to care about your sister?" He asked.

"You don't care about me."

"Retract the claws for like two seconds." He tried to get her to settle down. "Do you need anything?"

"Yes. For you to go away."

Isaac threw his hands up in exasperation. He faced Nick.

"I'm going to go grab us all some drinks."

"Thanks."

Courtney glared as he walked across the room and around a corner.

"Why is he here?" Courtney looked at Nick. "It's just the flu."

Nick opened his mouth to say something...to ask her if she knew it wasn't just the flu.

"Court, the baby..."

"It's. Just. The. Flu," she said it slowly, emphasizing each word. She clenched her teeth and scowled.

He could see she wasn't ready to deal with it yet.

"Alright." He swallowed a knot in his throat. "Okay. It's the flu."

When her parents got there they stuck with the lie about the flu. For some reason, the lie was comforting to Courtney. She held on to it. The lines were blurred for her that day. She started to believe the lie.

It wasn't until three days later when she caught a glimpse of herself in her bathroom mirror that it registered. She saw the dark circles under her eyes. She saw the raw patches of skin on her face from where she'd been crying into her pillow. She lifted her shirt and looked at her stomach, turning from side to side, observing it.

It was empty.

She was empty.

Her baby was gone.

Nick found her curled up in the bathtub crying two hours later when he came to check on her. She muttered things about the locker room over and over.

Courtney told Nick that it wasn't Emily's fault, but he suspected it was a lie. He suspected she was covering for the brunette. He didn't understand why, but he didn't push it.

She had holed up in her room for weeks. Everyone around her thought she was moping about Emily being the star at swim meets. They didn't know that she was lost in the darkness, that she was fighting a battle. She didn't want to live anymore.

She felt a sense of aimlessness. She had feelings she didn't know how to handle. She ripped into the people around her. Isaac got the worst of it, because he was the closest in proximity. She screamed. She threw things at him. She said terrible things about his girlfriend. She threatened to kill them both.

Emily almost never came over to their house anymore. She spent the rest of the school year focusing on swimming, though she avoided Courtney as often as possible at practice, too.

Courtney assumed it was shame. Emily was ashamed of rejecting her. She was ashamed she'd hurt her.

Swimming didn't excite her the way it used to. She was angrier than she'd ever been, and she had no outlet to channel it into. She started losing ground in her classes. Her grades slipped. She was in danger of being kicked off of the swim team, but she didn't care because it was the end of the year.

Nick saw her spiraling. He saw her retreating into herself like never before. He tried to extend sympathy, but he was in pain, too. Courtney wasn't the only one who'd lost a child. But he felt guilty for his grief. He didn't feel like it was something he could share with Courtney.

He tried to talk to Isaac one day, but Isaac had become so enamored with his girlfriend that he wasn't really emotionally available. It had been for the best. Telling Isaac about Courtney's pregnancy probably would have been a mistake.

Nick hadn't been able to look at Emily the same way after he'd found Courtney crumpled up and covered in her own blood on the locker room floor. Courtney insisted that Emily had left before she passed out. Even though she was angry at the brunette, her natural instinct was to protect her.

After junior year was over Courtney didn't know what to do with herself. She wasn't looking forward to the sticky heat of the summer. She wasn't looking forward to the summer at all, because Nick was leaving for college in the fall.

The days, weeks, and months ran together. Nothing felt real. Nothing felt right. They were both walking through a colorless life.

Courtney hadn't even wanted the child in the beginning. Nick had been livid that she'd lied about being on birth control. Yet they both felt a sense of loss like they'd never felt before.

They grieved, but they grieved separately. Their processes were very different. Nick buried himself in riding. Courtney became engrossed in a pro-life movement she'd discovered through their church. She'd felt lost after she lost the baby. She needed a purpose. And saving the unborn felt like the right way to go.

They tried to heal with sex, but it wasn't the same. Nick was afraid to touch her, afraid to hurt her, afraid that he would never be able to be with her intimately again without thinking about what they'd lost. Courtney didn't really care. She couldn't be satisfied anyway. She knew that no one would ever be able to satisfy her except Emily.

She watched the brunette all summer. Emily spent a lot of time with Isaac, but Courtney could tell that her mind was detached. She was elsewhere. She didn't really want to be with Isaac.

Something changed at the end of the summer. Courtney noticed Emily acting uncharacteristically, but she couldn't figure out why.

It wasn't until she saw her sneaking into Planned Parenthood that she realized what had changed.

She had gone with a local chapter of a pro-life group to protest outside of the baby-killing place that day.

At first she hadn't recognized her. Emily had been wearing an oversized black hoodie and was trying to look small as she walked towards the building.

One of the men in the group had tried to stop her, grabbing her arm, intimidating her by shouting bible verses at her.

"Show us your face, sinner." One of the women had growled.

When she yanked her arm away from the man holding her the hood fell backwards, exposing her face.

Courtney hadn't been able to believe her eyes.

"Stay away from me." Emily fought back.

She always fought back. Brave, strong Emily.

But there was nothing brave about what she was going into that building to do.

Emily Fields is pregnant.

It didn't register at first. She didn't want to believe it. It wasn't fair. Emily had taken her baby away from her, and now she had one of her own and she was just going to get rid of it?

Courtney wondered if Isaac knew what his girlfriend was doing. She wondered if Emily had even told him. Probably not. There was no way that Isaac would want her to go through with an abortion. Their parents would be horrified.

It wasn't right.

None of it was right.

"Killer! You're a killer!" Someone shouted.

My Killer, Courtney thought. My beautiful little lamb, a killer.

Maybe she'd been wrong about Emily. Maybe she hadn't been the lamb at all. Maybe she'd been the lion the whole time.

"Leave me alone." Emily tried to walk through the blockade.

"If you go in there you're going to hell." A man growled.

"If I go in there I'm picking up some full body condoms so I don't catch whatever bullshit you walking STDs have. Now move."

Emily pushed the man who was in her path.

Courtney flinched. It triggered the memory of the way she'd pushed her down in the locker room. She thought about lying on the cold locker room floor. The blood. The pain.

A rage washed over her.

"Whore!" Courtney cried from the back of the crowd. She reached down into a bucket that was filled with fake blood.

Tears started streaming down her face as she slung the blood towards Emily. She doused most of the people standing with her, but she didn't care. She stay buried within the crowd, but she saw Emily scurry away.

Courtney strayed away from the crowd and slipped towards the building. She managed to sneak in the side door. She found the janitor's closet and found a uniform. She put it on. It was a little big on her, but she managed to make it work. She went on a search for Emily, pretending to be part of the clean-up crew. No one looked twice at her.

"I just…I don't know what to do." She heard Emily's voice.

"We have a variety of options. We have support groups, as well as education centers. We don't want to pressure you one way or the other. If you decide to have the baby…"

Decide to have the baby? It made Courtney furious. She shouldn't have the option to decide. It was Emily's choice to have gross sex with Isaac. It was her choice to take the risk.

"and if you believe that terminating the pregnancy is what you want to do we have the resources to help you through that as well."

"I'm not sure what I want to do yet."

"That's perfectly fine. You can take time to decide and then let us know. We can schedule an appointment for you either way. If you want to keep the pregnancy we have women's services. If you decide on an abortion we'll help you through that procedure…"

Courtney couldn't listen to any more of the conversation. Knowing that Emily was willing to get rid of her baby made her feel sick. She rushed to the bathroom, barely making it into the stall before she hurled all over the place.

She sat on the toilet and cried. But she wasn't crying because she was sad. She was crying because she was angry.

She left the janitorial supplies in the bathroom and started sneaking through the halls again. She saw Emily in the waiting area, browsing through several pamphlets. She picked one up and folded it and slipped it into her back pocket.

Courtney stayed hidden in the hallway, watching her.

Emily glanced at the crowd outside. She looked nervous. Courtney could see the stains the fake blood had left on her pants and sweatshirt. She thought about how afraid Emily had looked when the man outside grabbed her.

Courtney's attention shifted to the angry mob. She didn't want them touching Emily again. She didn't want them to hurt her.

Her head was pounding. The intensity of her highs and lows was getting worse. She was continuously jumping from one extreme to another. She couldn't control herself. She was happy. She was sad. She was calm. She was angry. She wanted to hurt Emily. She wanted to love Emily.

The voices.

The voices were always there.

Always telling her what to do, how to act.

Courtney didn't realize it, but she had slipped down against the floor and she was up against the wall, her knees up to her chest as she gripped her head and rocked back and forth. She was muttering under her breath, "Shut up, shut up. Be quiet."

The noise in her head was so loud.

Emily. Emily. Emily. Mine. Mine. Mine.

She clutched her temples and bit her tongue, fighting back a strangled cry.

She doesn't love you. She'll never love you. You're broken. And she knows it. Broken filthy trash.

She lifted her head and started thumping it against the wall. She tried to stand up, but her feet weren't getting the signal from her brain. She had to get up. She had to move before someone found her.

Love. Hate. Beauty. Darkness. Emily Fields.

If she closed her eyes she could still remember what she felt like…what she tasted like…what she smelled like.

There is something wrong with me.

Something terribly wrong.

I'm sorry, Emily. I'm so sorry.

The buzzing in her head was getting louder.

She'll never see it. She'll never see it if you don't make her see it.

She felt like clawing her face to pieces. Her cheeks were burning. Her head felt like it was splitting in two.

Murderer. She's a murderer. She doesn't deserve her baby.

She heard a shuffling noise. It snapped her out of it. She quickly pushed herself to her feet and moved towards the janitor's closet. She pushed the door open and moved behind it, keeping it cracked so she could see what was going on. A middle-aged woman walked over to Emily. She looked at the crowd of protesters outside.

"Ma'am, we can escort you out with one of our volunteers if you're uncomfortable going by them alone," she said sweetly.

Yes. Protect her. Please protect her.

But Emily was an idiot. A dumbass who declined. She thought she was invincible just because she rode a bike and kickboxed at the gym.

"I'll be okay," she said.

Why was she always lying? Her pride could get her killed.

Courtney scrambled to get to the side door. She had to get to that crowd before Emily did. She had to protect her. She had to protect the baby.

She rushed over to the protestors who were holding signs.

"They're trying to sneak someone out the back door." She lied.

If she could get them away then maybe Emily could get by them without being accosted. Crowds were dangerous. They could turn on a dime.

Several of the picketers rushed off to the back door, but a lot of them stayed. Before she could get rid of any more of them she saw Emily walking out the front door. She had her hoodie up again, but she was holding herself with a lot more confidence. She was probably trying to look intimidating so they would leave her alone.

It didn't work. When they saw her coming they immediately started to surround her and shout at her. The same man that had grabbed her before she went in grabbed her again. This time she retaliated, throwing a left hook square into his nose.

That's my girl. Courtney smiled in satisfaction.

The man's hand shot up to his face. He touched his fingers to his nose and when he looked at his fingertips he saw blood.

"You crazy bitch." He growled. He shoved her, but she managed to stay on her feet. Something fell out of her pocket.

A woman in the crowd grabbed Emily and another woman grabbed the man. Courtney couldn't tell if they were helping her or hurting her. The man managed to free one of his hands and he tried to backhand Emily. She spun away from him, but his hand still caught her in the shoulder.

Rage filled Courtney's body. He'd touched her. He'd hurt her.

The woman who had grabbed Emily moved her towards the parking lot.

She was helping her. Courtney saw a blue vest on her. The woman who had tried to restrain the man was also wearing a blue vest. They were the volunteers Courtney had heard about.

Emily weaved through the crowd with the woman.

The volunteer who had held the man back threatened to call the police for assault. The crowd quickly dispersed, but the man remained.

Courtney stayed behind. She walked over to where the altercation had taken place, looking at the piece of paper that had fallen out of Emily's pocket.

The pamphlet she'd tucked away had fallen against the ground in the midst of the chaos.

Courtney curiously picked it up, expecting to find something horrifying about abortion. But the front of the pamphlet had five letters on it in large script style writing, "LGBTQ". In smaller letters were the words, "Resources and support groups for a loving community."

She glanced at the parking lot, wondering what was going through Emily's mind. She knew how intense emotions were during pregnancy. Was she hurting? Was she in pain? Was she scared?

Most of the protestors had disappeared. The man who had grabbed Emily was sitting on a large blue cooler that was filled with fake baby parts covered in blood that they used to scare people away.

She walked over to him. He was a big brute. Balding and ugly. He was even uglier with the swollen bloody nose Emily had given him.

Courtney wondered why he had any say in what women did. He was probably angry because he was so hideous. She was willing to bet that no girl had ever touched him. He wasn't righteous. He wasn't protecting the unborn. He was a sad 40-year-old virgin who lived in his mom's basement and hid behind his bible. He didn't believe any of what he preached. He just wanted to get back at girls because they didn't like him. He wanted to control women.

"Hello, sister. I'm glad you've decided to stay and do the Lord's work." He stood up to greet her.

"What you just did wasn't the Lord's work." Courtney snapped at him.

"Excuse me?"

Courtney's eyes burned through his, scorching his soul. Without warning she shot her hand out and grabbed him by the balls, digging her fingernails into his crotch and twisting them roughly. He cried out and fell to his knees.

She grabbed his chin with her other hand, roughly forcing him to look at her.

"What is wrong with you?" He hissed, grabbing his throbbing crotch.

"We don't touch girls who don't want to be touched." She dug her fingernails into his cheeks, drawing blood. "Never again. You will never touch her again."

She let him go and left him writhing in pain.

Emily was the devil, but she was her devil. And she alone would deal with her.

o ~ O ~ o

Courtney set her sights on Emily the next few weeks. Nick noticed the change in her behavior, but he assumed it was due to the pregnancy loss.

Emily had been acting strange, too. Nick could tell something was wrong with her. He'd tried to talk to her about it one day when they were both outside in their driveways, but she shut him down. She mentioned she had plans with Isaac and had rushed off in a weird huff.

It was the day that she'd taken Isaac out on a hike to break up with him. Her mind had been swirling. She was so preoccupied with Isaac that afternoon that she didn't realize that Courtney was following her.

Courtney overheard everything. Isaac had begged to talk it out, but Emily had sadly replied,

"I need to figure some things out. And you deserve to be with someone who can…" She'd stuttered. "You deserve someone better than me."

The wording had sounded weird to Courtney. She was also confused about the fact that she didn't tell him about the baby. She knew Emily hadn't gone through with the abortion. She'd been watching her day and night.

Isaac begged and pleaded, but Emily insisted that it was over. She'd given him a hug and then she'd run off in tears.

Courtney had followed her, confused about her reaction.

Emily didn't love Isaac.

So why was she crying?

She watched from the woods as Emily curled up against a tree and sobbed. She stared at her for the longest time, trying to make sense of everything. Was it the baby that was making her cry? Courtney was emotional when she was pregnant, so she understood mood swings.

She felt the urge to be with her, so she walked over towards her, staring at the grey sky above her. The wind was particularly unforgiving. Maybe it was the changing of the tides that was making Emily sad.

Emily snapped at her to go away, but Courtney ignored her, sitting down next to her.

"Courtney, I can't do this with you today. So whatever it is that you're going to say…or do…just save it. For once in your life. Please."

Courtney cocked her head curiously. Emily's tears confused her. She'd never seen her cry. It was unnerving. She wanted to wrap her up in her arms and never let her go.

"I'm just checking on you. You seem upset. I…um…I know I give you hell sometimes…"

Emily cut her off with a sarcastic laugh and an eye roll.

"Sometimes?" She side-eyed her.

Courtney had an impulse to reach up and slap her, but she suppressed it.

"Well, you don't make it very easy." Courtney scowled, dropping her hands to her sides.

Their fingers brushed together in the dirt. Courtney looked down and slowly moved her fingertips over Emily's. She felt a spark, but Emily yanked her hand away.

"Right, I'M the problem." Emily scoffed.

Normally Courtney found it enticing when Emily let her demons out of their cages to play, but her heart was too broken to be turned on. Emily's tears hurt her. They looked so painful. She was mesmerized by them.

She reached up, moving the backs of her knuckles against Emily's cheek, wiping away one of her tears. She looked at Emily as she pulled her hand away and then looked down at the small droplet on her hand. It made her feel something, but she wasn't sure what it was.

"You're crying."

In a way, Emily's tears were the bravest thing that Courtney had ever seen. They were extensions of her true self. They were a piece of her pain, showing what was tearing her apart. She wanted to kiss them away from her face, to taste what she was feeling.

Courtney tried to get her to open up, but Emily shut her down. She lashed out and tried to get her to go away.

Nothing, not even the rain was going to keep her away from Emily. She wasn't going anywhere. She made herself comfortable…as comfortable as she could in the dirt. She felt a light drizzle against her skin. The rainwater was refreshing. It cooled her fiery skin.

Emily tried to ignore her, but Courtney was not willing to be ignored.

"I was reading one of my favorite books the other day. And I got to this passage, 'The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong at the broken places. But those that will not break it kills…"

She looked down and saw a little red and black bespeckled bug skimming a trail right next to her index finger.

The little creature reminded her of Emily. Bright. Beautiful. Totally unaware of the fate awaiting it.

She casually lifted her hand as she watched it crawl towards Emily. She laid her finger in its path. The ladybug paused but then started crawling along the edge of her finger.

It tickled her skin. She watched it walk as she slowly turned her palm face up.

Dirty.

It was dirty, like the forest floor was dirty…like Emily was dirty.

The ladybug reached the tip of her finger. Its wings started to expand, but before it could take off in flight she pressed her thumb against it, crushing it slowly.

She could only imagine what it must feel like to be crushed to death. She wondered if it felt pain. She wondered if it was screaming. She wondered if Emily would scream if she crawled on top of her and crushed her. It made her insides pulse.

She stared at the remains of the little creature that had painted her finger black and red. She reached down and coolly wiped her hands clean.

"it kills the very good and the very gentle and the very brave impartially…"

She reluctantly reached out to touch Emily's arm, but pulled back at the last second.

"if you are none of these you can be sure it will kill you too, but there will be no special hurry'."

"A Farewell to Arms." Emily wiped her tears. "Hemingway. I thought you hated Hemingway."

HATE. What did that word even mean? Did it even exist? Or was it something that people used to justify their behavior?

Animals didn't hate. They didn't know how to hate. They didn't know anything other than survival. Wasn't that what humans were? Animals?

What separated man from beast? The ability to think? The ability to feel?

Wasn't it important to be aware of the fight for both in the brain cell? If hate didn't exist, did love exist? What would the world be without hate? How would people know love? They both had to exist.

"You can hate something and love it at the same time. It's called cognitive dissonance." To be split in two, but to accept both portions as a reality. "We selectively accept certain realities. We make justifications. But it doesn't matter in the end."

She felt a pang of pain in her chest. Her baby hadn't mattered in the end. If an innocent child didn't matter, then who did? She snuffed out a breath through her nose.

"Life is cruel and unfair. It breaks you…"

The world had taken her child from her. She glared at Emily.

"it takes from you." Emily had taken her child from her, "It steals your happiness. Steals what you want…"

Emily was pregnant. Emily had the baby she was supposed to have,

"Some people have everything and they're ungrateful…they're ungrateful for things that other people would kill to have. Hemingway's point is still relevant. Bad things happen to people who don't deserve it. Life is a vast construct that is designed to crush people underneath the weight of their own grief."

"Kind of a bleak way of looking at things."

How did Emily not see it? How did she not understand?

"The world is bleak. You get hurt by the people who were never supposed to hurt you. People hurt you…" she lifted her head and locked eyes with Emily. "You hurt me."

She'd left her hurt and vulnerable on the floor that day. If she had just stayed…if she hadn't run away…

"Excuse me?" Emily huffed out a sardonic laugh. "I hurt YOU?"

"You put me in the hospital." Her baby was dead because of what Emily had done to her.

Emily flew off the handle, accused Courtney of being the problem. Courtney didn't fight back. She was lost in the memory of that day.

"You have spent years trying to destroy me…" Emily snarled.

"I wasn't trying to…" Courtney replied softly. Her throat felt tight. "You hurt me. Then you left me there. You left me alone."

Tears stung her eyes. She wasn't sure if it was the wind or if they were truly of her own making. Her body was betraying her, yet again. Her body was always betraying her.

You left my baby to die. You want to kill your own baby.

Emily snarled at her, "What else was I supposed to do? Do you know the hell you've put me through? It's been a battle with you every fucking day. At school. At your house. With Isaac…"

The mention of Isaac made her skin crawl.

"My brother has nothing to do with this."

"What IS this about?"

"Remember the church ski trip?"

"What about it?"

"Why did you pick to sit next to Isaac over me?"

Emily seemed stunned by the question. She momentarily retreated into herself.

"We just had more in common."

Courtney looked at her gently, her lips pursed, brows upturned.

"We both know that's not true."

There was a rumble of thunder in the distance. The breeze rustled in the trees, sending leaves floating down in front of them.

We're the same, Courtney thought, We're the same and it scares you.

Emily stared at Courtney, like she was trying to process an image that she couldn't quite figure out. She told Courtney she didn't know what she wanted from her.

"I want you to start being honest," Courtney felt the urge to reach out and touch her, but the anger that crossed Emily's face gave her pause.

"You want honesty?" Emily laughed harshly. "You infuriate me. You're mean and sadistic and cruel. You manipulate people. You don't take responsibility for ANY of your actions. You have no remorse…and no consideration for other people's feelings. You don't care who you hurt as long as you get what you want. You have no idea the damage you cause. I don't even know why I bother with you. I don't. Just…go away. You got what you want, okay? We don't have to pretend to be civil anymore. So just…go the fuck away."

She was in pain. Real pain. And Courtney didn't like it.

"Emily…" The love she felt for her was immeasurable. She reached up to push a strand of Emily's freshly dyed hair behind her ear. "If you keep holding everything inside it will destroy you." She knew, because it had destroyed her. She was beyond redemption. "Believe me, I know."

"You've hated me since the second we met." Emily bit down on her lip.

The fact that Emily thought she hated her was a shock to her. She didn't hate her. She loved her so much she didn't know how to handle it. She'd ripped people to pieces for hurting her. The frat boys. The racist couple in the cafeteria. The evangelical man outside of Planned Parenthood. Anyone who dared hurt Emily Fields suffered Courtney's wrath. She had protected her. From Maya. From Nick.

"I don't." Courtney shook her head. "I don't…I could never hate you," she sighed. "But…what you are…" She couldn't be saved. Like the ladybug, she was tarnished with the dirt of the world, "Sweetie, it's not natural…"

Emily looked hurt, like her words were stabbing her in the heart.

"You don't know what you're talking about. You don't know me. You don't know the first thing about who I am."

"I know that you put a lot of effort into being someone you're not. I've seen you. The REAL you. The you that you're afraid to be." She reached up and rubbed Emily's arm. "Earnest. Sweet little lamb. You've just been led astray for so long…"

Isaac had led her astray. He'd been a placeholder for the real thing.

"You're hurting." She'd never seen Emily so upset before.

"Why do you care?"

"Because you don't love him. And I don't understand why you're so upset. You're the one who broke up with him."

Something in Emily's expression changed.

"Were you following us?"

Courtney immediately insisted that it was purely by chance that she'd been out there, but Emily didn't believe her.

"I heard you guys talking. I was curious. And when I got closer I saw you…I saw this look on your face. It's like…it's like you were relieved. It's like there was this giant weight on you, like you couldn't breathe. And even though you were sad…you were relieved. So I don't understand why you're so upset. I thought…" She was finally free. "I thought you'd be happy."

"I love Isaac." Emily's voice quivered.

"But you aren't in love with him."

Emily didn't answer. Courtney curled her legs up, turning her body towards Emily's. She swiped away another stray tear, letting her hand linger against Emily's cheek.

So warm.

She was so warm.

"Don't…" Emily cringed, trying to pull away.

Courtney scowled at her. She didn't like it when Emily ran away from her.

"You know…" She combed her fingers through Emily's hair. "One of the things I loved most about Hemingway was his ability to use his prose to illustrate the complications in life." Her finger hooked against the back of Emily's ear as she moved a strand of hair out of her face. "One of the greatest things he wrote was 'The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special, too'."

Emily blinked in confusion.

"That's not from A Farewell to Arms."

"It was an excerpt from one of his other works." Courtney delicately trailed her fingers against Emily's cheek. She gently pushed Emily's face towards her, forcing her to look into her eyes. Her soft forgiving eyes. "You lost yourself in my brother, Emily. You lost who you are. But you're not lost anymore. You can breathe again."

Courtney touched her chin, drawing her face closer. She saw Emily's throat bob unevenly as she swallowed an invisible growing lump. She inched closer to Emily, her lips curved in perfect succinct shape, round and plump and inviting. Emily didn't give in to her, but she didn't resist either.

Their lips brushed together, faintly at first. It was gentle and soft. Courtney was careful with her. She wanted to be a good girl. She wanted Emily to see that she was a good girl.

"Just let go, sweetie. You don't have to hide anymore, little lamb." She stroked Emily's hip, slowly moving her hand towards the heat of her inner thighs.

"This isn't healthy, Courtney." Emily pulled away. "I don't know what you're trying to do here, but…I think you need help."

"We both know we're beyond help." Courtney's hand slipped away from her face and down to the nape of Emily's neck, pulling her close.

Their lips met again, this time with more conviction and force.

Emily immediately protested, grunting 'no' against her lips.

Courtney was too lost in her own desires to care.

She slid her fingers up Emily's shorts, finding her inner thigh slippery with sweat…or perhaps something else.

Ready for me. Always so ready for me. So luscious. So sinful.

She felt Emily resisting, but she knew it was only because she was having trouble accepting herself.

"Relax." Courtney growled a warning at her as she pushed her against the ground. It was supposed to be a suggestion, but it came out as an order.

Their chests met, their bodies flush.

Emily put her palms against Courtney's shoulders just as Courtney's fingers started moving against her.

"My sweet sweet little Emily." Courtney mumbled against Emily's mouth, using her free hand to trace her knuckles gently across the brunette's cheek. "You're mine." She bit down on Emily's lip. "You know you are."

She felt Emily moving. She felt the 'no's' but all she heard was yes.

Want.

She tasted her lips.

Desire.

She moved in waves against her.

Need.

They fit. They were pieces of a broken puzzle that only worked together.

"This is who you are." Courtney rocked against Emily's body gently, her tongue prodding forward. "Don't fight it…"

When Emily screamed against her lips Courtney relished in the reverberation of her cries. She massaged her inner thigh with one hand and put her other palm against Emily's stomach…against the baby that was growing there.

The sweet little innocent child.

Mine.

"Stop…stop it. I don't want this. I don't want you." She pushed back against Courtney harshly.

Courtney ripped her lips away from Emily, stung by her rejection. Why was she always lying to herself?

It always ended the same way. Emily flaunted her sexuality, begged for attention, and when she gave her what she wanted she pulled away. It was a painful repetitive dance.

"Who says I want you?" Courtney angrily stabbed her thigh with her fingernails, digging into her flesh.

She looked at Emily's stomach. She was barely showing. The tiny bump intrigued her, but it also infuriated her. Emily didn't even want her baby.

She touched her belly…gently at first, poking her, taunting her about her weight. But then something came over her. The anger of losing her child while Emily took hers for granted. And she wanted Emily to feel what she felt that day in the locker room, so she pushed her palm against Emily's stomach roughly. Before Emily could shove her hand away Courtney laughed maliciously and slapped her stomach, palm smacking flesh.

Emily had flipped her over in a flash, so quickly that Courtney hadn't known what happened. She pinned Courtney to the ground.

Her mouth was stinging. She had bitten her tongue. Had Emily hit her? It was all a blur.

"What is wrong with you?" Emily hissed.

"There she is." Courtney smiled, her teeth covered in blood. "You're just like me, aren't you?"

They would always be connected. There was a tether. Courtney made sure that she would stay in Emily's brain forever. Emily had burrowed her way into her veins, and now she was a part of Emily. They were a part of each other.

"Why are you always doing this to me? What do you want from me?"

"I want you to own what you are. Embrace the danger. Embrace the monster…"

"I'm not a fucking monster!"

Courtney started laughing, blood spittle coming out of her mouth. Emily's fist was raised above her head. Courtney was eagerly waiting…enticing her to embrace the wild untapped beast inside. At the last second Emily lowered her fist and moved away from Courtney.

Courtney peered up at her, mesmerized by the towering inferno above her. Such passion. Such brutal force. She stood over her like a swaying unbridled tree in the dead of a hurricane. Rain pelting against her. Wind in her hair.

She was a beautiful storm.

But like storms, they caused destruction and then passed through. That's what Emily did. She hurt her, then she left her.

Courtney watched as the brunette faded into the distance.

She left her alone.

Again.

o ~ O ~ o

Nick found out about the break-up from Courtney. She talked about her brother moping around like a giant sad sack.

He'd showed up at Isaac's with a bunch of meat for them to throw on the grill. He'd snuck some beers in the cooler, too.

Isaac hadn't said much, though Nick hadn't been expecting him to. He wanted to ask what went wrong. He wanted to ask if Emily finally told him about her affinity for tits over dicks. But instead he'd just flipped a few steaks on Isaac's dad's overpriced grill and talked about sports with him instead.

Courtney watched them from her bedroom. She knew they were talking about Emily. Even when she wasn't around she still commanded everyone's attention.

Courtney scratched her nails against the soft wood on her windowsill. She gripped the edge of it tightly, pushing down so hard that she heard a cracking noise.

She couldn't stand the thought of Emily being the center of attention, so she put on her skankiest outfit, one she knew that would get Nick's attention and would make Isaac roll his eyes at her.

"What are you guys up to?" she asked as she walked out on to the patio.

Isaac looked up at her. He cringed when he saw what she was wearing.

"Jesus, Courtney, put on some REAL clothes."

Courtney stuck her tongue out at him and plopped down in Nick's lap, turning to face him.

"Nicky, are you done yet?" She puffed her lip out into a pout.

"We're getting our emo on."

Courtney laughed and looked over at her brother. He was so pathetic.

"Are you STILL whining over Emily?" she scoffed. "You are such a baby."

"Leave me alone."

"This little bitchbaby cries when he watches The Princess and the Frog." Courtney snickered.

"Anyone with a heart should tear up about Ray Ray and Evangeline." Isaac bit back defensively.

"It was a stupid star."

"It represented hopes and dreams and love. But I guess you wouldn't know about any of that." He grumbled something about her being a stone cold bitch.

"Court, just…give us a little bit longer." Nick shifted her off of his lap.

She frowned at him.

"No, forget about it." Isaac stood up, grabbing his plate angrily. "Just go." He glared at his sister. "I've lost my appetite anyway."

He stormed off in a huff.

"That wasn't very sisterly of you." Nick frowned at her in disapproval. "My dude is hurting."

"He's too soft. He needs to learn to toughen up or the world is going to eat him alive."

"The world, or you?"

"Don't be like that." Courtney rolled her eyes. She kissed him, making him momentarily forget why he was angry with her. "Come on, let's get out of here. I've got something I need to talk to you about."

Those words always struck fear into Nick's heart. He wondered if she was pregnant again. She kept him guessing until they got to his house.

That's when she told him the truth about what was going on with Emily. She told him that she'd seen her at Planned Parenthood.

"She's PREGNANT?" He'd gawked at her, nearly dropping the leftover meat in his hands before remembering he had the refrigerator wide open. He shoved the steaks and brats in the meat drawer and shut the door.

Emily was pregnant and she was leaving Isaac? Had she cheated on him? Was it not his baby? He had so many questions.

"She was going to kill the baby, Nicky. She was going to throw away something that we would die for." Courtney kicked her feet against the chair at his kitchen table.

"But she didn't?" He clarified.

"I don't know what she's capable of. You don't know her like I know her…"

"She's my neighbor." He argued.

"The REAL her. She's not who you think she is. She has a dark side." She was projecting, but he didn't know it. "We have to do something. We have to protect the baby once she has it."

"Courtney…" She was starting to spin out. He'd seen it happen sometimes. Weird things set her off. Commercials with babies. Walking down the diaper aisle at the store. Hearing children play. One time an empty stroller in the park had caused her to have a total breakdown.

"We have to protect my brother's baby."

"Why hasn't she told him? That's really fucked up." He'd be irate if Courtney had hidden his kid from him. What was Emily thinking?

"She's messed up. There is something wrong with her…" Courtney was near hysterics.

"Let's just…slow down. Are you SURE she went there because of pregnancy? They do other things there, too, right? Like…exams and giving out birth control?"

"I heard what they were saying in that room. I heard everything."

"Fuck." He put his hand on his head and rubbed his fingers through his hair.

"You have to watch her. Make sure she doesn't do anything crazy. You're right next door…"

"Yeah, but I'm moving to New York in a few weeks. Darren and I have been talking about meeting up. He wants to come visit me in New York"

She gave him a sour look. She still hated the idea of Nick moving across the country without her. Her parents wouldn't let her go because they were fascist dictators.

"So then use him to our advantage. Tell him we need his help." She wanted to bang the table in frustration, but she was afraid it would make her look childish. "We can't trust her. We have to come up with a plan…"

"We'll figure something out." Nick promised, trying to calm her down.

His head was spinning. Emily Fields, the girl who liked girls was pregnant.

Once the shock wore off he shared Courtney's anger over the fact that Emily was thinking about an abortion. It seemed in poor taste that she was willing to terminate her pregnancy when they'd just lost their child months ago. Then again, it's not like Emily knew about their baby. Still, he wasn't happy with her.

He walked over to window overlooking Emily's house. He looked up into her bedroom. The light was on, but her shades were drawn. He wondered what she was doing up there. He wondered what could possibly be going through her head.

"You'll help me make sure she doesn't get away with this, right?" Courtney walked up behind him, dragging her fingers against the back of his neck.

Nick would bow to her every whim when she was touching him. It got him in all kinds of trouble, but he didn't care. He was madly in love with her. She was the devil, but he was spark that kept the flames of hell alive.

He turned around to face Courtney. Her silhouette moved in the dim light of the room. He reached out and cupped her hip with his hand. He touched her stomach, his thoughts racing. Tears prickled his eyes.

Courtney knew she had him. She smiled in the darkness.

"We'll get through this." Courtney leaned forward, nearly whispering. "We'll get through it together."

He had to turn away from her to hide his grief. He stared at Emily's window, seething in his pain and anger. Courtney continued to feed that anger. She continued to mold his mind.

Because boys were easy. Boys were so so easy.

o ~ O ~ o

Nick didn't see much of Emily in the following days. She'd made herself pretty scarce. But he finally ran into her one night when he was out smoking a cigarette. Emily had been the one to approach him.

He had mixed feelings about her. He was still insanely attracted to her, but he also blamed her for the loss of his child.

He stayed civil. He knew that one day he'd get retribution for what happened.

Emily had chastised him for smoking, mentioning that the cigarettes would kill him if he wasn't careful. He wanted to call her a hypocrite for caring about his life, but not the life that was growing inside of her. But instead he planted a fake smile on his face.

"My granddad smoked two packs a day and he's as healthy as a horse. There are worse chemicals in our food." He shrugged and took a long drag. "Want one?"

It was a test. He needed to make sure she was making healthy choices.

"Nah, I'm good."

He softened when she saw her smile. She was still that same enigmatic girl he'd met the day she'd moved in. There was so much about her he couldn't figure out. Maybe there was more to the story than he realized.

He called her on her lie. He was worried about her.

"You have been all over the place lately. I barely see you out anymore. And Isaac says you two broke up. What's up? Is everything okay with you?"

He felt like ripping her apart for keeping the baby from Isaac. He wanted to scream, to yell. But he knew he needed to be patient.

"Everything is fine."

He drew in a long breath and held it for a few seconds before turning his head and blowing the smoke away from her so it wouldn't harm the baby. He turned back and glared at her.

"You're a shit liar. I don't know how your parents haven't found out about the tat, yet."

"After my mom's epic freak out about my hair I figured she'd have a complete meltdown if she found out about my hidden ink."

He could only imagine the implosion that was going to happen when she told them about the baby.

"So, what happened between you and Isaac? He do something to you?"

She flinched and looked away in discomfort. He didn't like it. She looked afraid. Maybe there was a reason she hadn't told Isaac about the baby.

Isaac certainly didn't seem like he was a bad guy. Nick knew him pretty well, but sometimes he wondered about Courtney and her family. He knew they weren't normal. Maybe Isaac had done something to hurt Emily. Or maybe he'd done the same thing Courtney had and had got her pregnant against her will.

"Want me to beat the shit out of him for you?"

She seemed repulsed by the suggestion.

"No. Of course not. He didn't do anything wrong. It just…wasn't working."

"Why?"

"I can't explain it."

"Was it Courtney? I know you two have some kind of beef…"

She flinched again.

"Courtney has nothing to do with this."

"Well, SOMETHING is going on. That house is like a bad juju energy zone these days. I mean, their parents are usually uptight, but they've taken it to a whole different level. It's starting to rub off on Courtney. She's been bitchier than usual."

"How can you tell?" Emily rolled her eyes.

"Don't be like that. Why do you two hate each other so much?"

Nick saw the way Courtney treated her, but he'd just always assumed it was because they were two headstrong females. He didn't know the extent of Courtney's torture. He didn't know that all of their encounters had been instigated by Courtney, including the day they'd lost their baby.

"Courtney and I are just cut from different cloths."

"You're not from any kind of cloth I've ever seen. You're different."

He meant it as a compliment, but she looked insulted.

"I guess." Emily glanced at her house. "I should probably go. If Courtney finds you conspiring with her enemies there's going to be hell to pay."

"I'm not afraid of her." He scoffed.

"You're a little afraid of her."

It was true. She was terrifying sometimes.

"Yeah. Okay."

"Why are you with her?"

It had started out because of sex. And now they were in such a weird place that he couldn't remember why they were together anymore.

"She's a freak in the sack." He lifted his eyebrows. "Something about those crazy repressed religious values. I help her find God...sometimes multiple times."

Emily's face twisted in disgust. Nick was satisfied that he'd made her feel uncomfortable.

"I could have gone my entire life without knowing that."

He laughed. He flicked the ash away from the edge of his cigarette. He thought about all the times he'd seen Courtney let her guard down. He'd seen her during some of the most intimate and vulnerable moments of her life. He had no idea that she had been faking the entire time.

"She's got a soft spot. She doesn't show it to many people, but she's got layers. I guess she's got me under her spell."

"As long as you're happy."

"I am." He looked at her with a calculated glance. "Are you?"

"Always." But her response was not convincing. "I've gotta run. I'll catch you later."

"Take it easy."

"Go easy on the cigarettes, Nicky-boy. The world is going to need you one day after some idiot in power accidentally presses the button to launch nuclear weapons. You're going to be our only hope." She reached for the railing.

"I wouldn't go that far. I'm no Mr. Robot." Though he'd been called a genius by the enrollment board at NYU.

"New York seems to think you are." She hopped down his steps.

He watched her go. He missed what they'd had when she first moved to San Antonio. He hated that there was a wedge between them now.

"Hey, Em?" He called after her. She turned around to face him. "He's miserable without you, you know."

He saw the pain on her face.

"I do miss him," she said quietly.

The more he talked to her the less sense it made that she was keeping the baby a secret.

"Any chance of you two working it out?"

"I don't think so."

"What about us?" he asked.

She seemed confused.

"What ABOUT us?"

"I miss us, too. You going to come visit me in the big city?"

She gave him her signature Emily smile.

"Save me a spot on a bench in Central Park." She winked at him as she dashed away.

His feelings for Emily were all over the place. He'd once had a hard-on for her, in more than just the physical way. But Courtney had come in and complicated things. Then Isaac had complicated it even more.

He was so confused.

He knew he should hate Emily. He knew that his child might still be alive if it wasn't for her actions. But he still felt a strange draw to her. It was based in an erotic sort of anger. The line between healthy emotions and unhealthy emotions was skewed because of Courtney.

Their relationship had been purely based off of the darkest highs they reached in physical moments together. The control. The hatred. The asphyxiation. He'd been conditioned to react to anger and hatred with sexual urges. His anger aroused him. It was certainly easier than feeling the loss of their baby.

His contempt for Emily had been bubbling up ever since the day he'd found Courtney in the locker room. He'd stayed friends with her, because he was a big believer in "keep your friends close, and your enemies closer". Emily had robbed him of a chance to meet his son or daughter.

And he wanted her to pay for it one day.

o ~ O ~ o

A few weeks later things fell in place in the most perfect way.

Nick found out that Emily was moving to the east coast. In a twist of kismet she was moving to the same little town where his brother lived. It couldn't have worked out in a more perfect fashion.

He took it as a sign that he was destined to keep an eye on her.

He hadn't mentioned Emily's move to Courtney yet. She was still fragile. She was slowly becoming more unhinged as time went on. Talking to her about Emily evoked some unusual responses. Sometimes she cried. Sometimes she got angry. Sometimes she ripped his clothes off and dragged him to the bedroom.

He assumed her mood swings were because of Emily's pregnancy. He didn't know that she was losing her grip on reality. He didn't know that she was obsessed with the brunette next door.

Emily still hadn't told Isaac about the baby. Nick was concerned that she'd gone through with an abortion, but Courtney assured him she hadn't. She'd been watching her very closely.

When Courtney wasn't around, Nick watched her. He followed her when she went somewhere. He lurked around outside the Fields' property. He watched from afar.

The day the moving van showed up next to his house he'd been with Courtney babysitting his 7-month-old cousin. Courtney was sitting with the baby on a blanket in the living room, toys spread all around her. He was cooing and making sweet baby noises.

Being around babies brought out mixed emotions in both of them. It was cathartic, but at the same time it was a painful memory of what they'd lost.

The little boy loved Courtney. Nick watched the soft subtle interactions with a mixture of affection and heartache. He couldn't stop thinking about their baby.

Courtney made the little boy smile a lot. She smiled back. It was nice to see her smile.

"He thinks he's a comedian." Courtney brushed his little cheek with her fingertip.

"Yeah, he's a cool little dude." Nick crouched down to his knees. His cousin recognized him and he grinned a huge gummy smile at him. "What's up, little man?"

"BAH!" The baby exclaimed loudly in excitement. He shook the plush toy in his hand.

Nick laughed and sat down next to Courtney.

Courtney kept her eyes on the infant as he played with a stuffed horse. He was so little. And the world was so big. What if the world swallowed him whole? She couldn't stand to think about it.

Babies were the only pure things in the world that existed, because they were born knowing nothing. They were innocent. Seeing them experience anything in life for the first time was eye-opening. Seeing things through the eyes of a child was magical. There was something special about their milestones. First smile. First giggle. First hug. First "I love you."

Courtney wouldn't get that chance with her child. The world was cruel, and it had taken her baby away from her. Her little angel would forever have to live in her heart and mind.

"I wish we could have met our baby." Courtney stroked the little boy's head, straightening his hair. Her voice was hollow, sad.

It gutted him to hear her talk about their child.

"Court…" he said softly.

"What do you think she would have been like?" Courtney looked up at him.

Nick felt a lump forming in his throat. Courtney was so certain that she would have had a girl.

"Beautiful. Like her mother." He leaned forward and kissed her forehead. It was a sweet gesture. Courtney smiled at him.

"We should try again." She shook a rattle in front of the baby.

"We're still young. We have time."

"But I want a family." She had been chasing after something she could hold on to for the rest of her life. Something that could never leave her.

"You have one." He gently grasped her hand. "I'm your family."

Courtney yanked her hand away. He didn't understand that he wasn't enough. He would never be enough. He was just a placeholder until she got what she really wanted.

She saw the wounded look on Nick's face, so she quickly placated his sensitive little needs by making him think her cold nature was about something else.

"I miss her," she said. It was true. But she didn't say who she was saying it about.

All she'd been able to think about since she lost the baby was Emily. The brunette had shunned her, but she'd left a mark on Courtney. She was in every part of her body. Her heart. Her brain. Her loins. She'd tried to claw her out, but she couldn't. The girl had infected her.

She couldn't eat. She couldn't sleep. She couldn't think. Her thoughts were a constant train of Emily Fields, and it was slowly derailing, sending her off-track.

Her stomach ached at the loss. Her dreams were haunted by a dark-haired dark-eyed beauty. She couldn't satisfy herself without picturing her. Even when she was with Nick she closed her eyes and imagined her wildest fantasies.

Her world was empty without her. She was empty without her.

"Hey, why don't you take him outside and let him play a little bit?" Nick stood up and looked out the window. "It's nice out. The fresh air will do all of us some good."

Courtney eagerly accepted the suggestion. She would be closer to Emily outside.

She gathered up the baby's things and wrapped them in the blanket. Then she scooped him up and walked towards the front door.

"I'll be right out. I'm just going to grab the beach umbrella from the shed so he doesn't get burned."

Courtney didn't even hear him because she was already out the door with the baby.

He walked towards the back door. He paused when he reached for the door handle. He had a random memory pop into his head of a day he'd been in the hardware store looking for baby-proofing items. He'd looked at door handle covers, because he was convinced that his kid would always be looking for a way to get into trouble.

After a few seconds he shook his grief off and walked outside. He dug around in the shed until he found what he was looking for. As he was walking out he spotted Emily by the fence that cut their properties off. She was taking pictures of the flowers.

"Yo, Em!" He waved.

She looked up and saw him dragging a bunch of stuff towards the back door. He dropped his load and walked over to the fence.

"Aren't you supposed to be packing?"

"Most of our things are already packed. Mom wanted some pictures of the garden since we can't take it with us."

"I'd tell you that my mom could take care of it for her, but she can't even take care of a cactus without killing it." He scoffed.

Her face pinched in confusion.

"How does someone kill a cactus?" They were virtually indestructible.

"She over-watered it." He shrugged.

"Wow."

"Yeah, she's not the best caregiver." He scowled at the house. He was so thankful to be leaving soon. "I should know."

"Parents are infallible." She lifted her hand and moved it like she was getting ready to touch her stomach, but caught herself and stopped at the last moment.

The motion was innocent enough. It probably wouldn't have aroused any suspicions in people who didn't know the truth about her pregnancy. But Nick knew. And he couldn't stop thinking about his baby. He couldn't imagine Emily with a baby. What kind of a parent would she be?

"So, you're off to Pennsylvania?" He asked.

"Yeah. You off to New York?"

"Soon."

Sooner than she knew. He would be on a plane as soon as she left town. He'd promised Courtney he would keep an eye on her. Not even thousands of miles could stop him from breaking that promise.

He already had a place on campus and a place upstate. Campus was a show. The real storyboarding would be happening in Buffalo, where his illegitimate father owned a huge house.

"I got the scholarship." He beamed.

He left out that it was a partial scholarship and that he had fallen into a large sum of money after finding his birth father.

"That's awesome. Congratulations."

"We're going to be right around the corner from each other. So you have no reason to not come visit me." Nick plucked a leaf off of the fence post.

He saw Emily's lip twitch. He knew she did have a reason not to come visit him. She didn't want him to know about the pregnancy.

He wondered if she was going to tell Isaac.

"You said goodbye to Isaac, yet?"

A flicker of pain washed across her face. He knew that she'd cut Isaac off, because Isaac had told him.

"I…didn't think that would be a good idea." She looked at the ground, working hard to avert his gaze. She felt guilty. "Will you…" She hesitated. "Can you check in on him for me from time to time?"

"I mean…you're moving across state lines. You're not dying. Aren't you going to come back?"

How could she keep the kid a secret from him? How could she lie to his face? She didn't understand how much Isaac loved her…how much Isaac would love his kid. He would be the best damn dad in the world. He was such a sweet lovable goofball. He had a lot of love to give. What could possibly possess Emily to keep him away from their child?

He was so angry. He would give anything to have his baby back. The pregnancy hadn't been in his plans, but he'd come around to the idea of being a father. And Emily was taking that away from Isaac.

He wanted to tell her knew everything, but he thought that justice would be served in a better way. He wasn't going to be too far from her. They wouldn't be right next door anymore, but he could still find ways to glance in her window.

"I'll keep him on the path of righteousness." He winked and pulled a cigarette out of his pocket.

"Em!" It was her dear old dad calling.

"Duty calls." She smiled as she waved and walked away.

He watched her go. He pulled his lighter out of his pocket and fired up his cigarette, puffing on it furiously.

His cigarette smoke wafted into the air.

After a few minutes Courtney could smell it in the front yard. She mumbled under her breath. She hated the smell of his cigarettes. She hated that he tasted like ash.

Nick's cousin babbled to himself as he curled his chubby little fingers into the blanket beneath them. He stared at Courtney, who was no longer paying attention to him.

Her eyes were on the moving van. She had no idea that Emily was leaving. It sent her spiraling down a dark path. There was an internal panic that she couldn't shut off.

Alarm bells.

Emily's mother, a rather sharp and pretentious woman, chased after a mover with a box, screaming that they didn't have enough bubble wrap.

"That's my good china!" She shrieked.

Her voice made Courtney cringe. She was a shrewd woman. Sometimes Courtney wondered how Emily had ended up with such a kind soul with such a miserable mother.

Emily walked outside and very calmly explained that she'd double-wrapped everything.

"You not knowing how to wrap things up properly is the reason we're in this predicament in the first place." She glared at her daughter.

No one else would have picked up on it, but Courtney knew she was talking about the baby. She didn't like seeing Emily's mother snap at her. She squeezed the toy elephant in her hand, twisting the head until she heard a ripping noise.

Nick's cousin whined and tried to grab the toy from her. She peered at him and then looked at the toy. She'd nearly beheaded it. She shrugged, giving him the nearly destroyed elephant. She could just blame him for it. He stared at the toy for a few seconds and then dropped it and reached for a teething ring. He shoved it in his mouth and started drooling.

When she turned around she saw Emily's mom rubbing her daughter's shoulder, profusely apologizing for her outburst. Emily looked hurt.

Courtney honed in on the older woman, her eyes narrowing in anger. That stupid fucking cow had been mean to Emily. She felt like running over there and kicking the boxes with her stupid china in it.

Emily reached down to pick up a box, but her mother stopped her, shaking her head.

"It's too heavy. Leave it for your father."

"Mom, I can get it." Emily insisted. Courtney wanted to scream at her. She wanted to tell her it was dangerous for the baby. She wanted to go and grab her and haul her off to her bedroom and chain her to the bed so she would be safe from harm until after the baby was born.

"Emily, I said leave it." Her mom ordered.

Emily walked away to gather up a few lawn items. She hadn't seen Courtney watching from over the hill. When she got to the property line Courtney pulled her sunglasses off and glanced at her.

"Your mom is kind of a bitch."

She waited, hoping, praying, that she would get a rise out of her.

Emily calmly faced her, but Courtney could see the rage beneath the surface.

"Don't talk about my mom that way."

Courtney wanted to tell her that she deserved better than the way her mother was treating her…like pregnancy was some kind of burden. Maybe that's why Emily felt the need to get an abortion that day she'd seen her at the clinic. Maybe it wasn't Emily's fault.

Courtney carefully surveyed the chaotic moving scene. She could feel something burning her throat. She was fighting back tears.

"I didn't know you guys were moving." Why hadn't Emily told her? Why hadn't Nick told her?

"My dad got a promotion back east."

Back east? What did that mean? It took a few seconds for Courtney's brain to process the words. Emily had come from Pennsylvania. She'd been born there. She wasn't just moving a few doors down or to a new neighborhood. She was leaving the state.

"You're like MOVING moving? Away from Texas?"

"Yeah."

Anger. Fiery hot anger. Courtney's entire body felt hot.

"So, you're just going to leave everyone…leave Isaac?" Her mind was screaming she's leaving YOU.

"I don't have a choice." Emily turned to walk away, but the baby grabbed her pants.

He looked up at her and cooed. She glanced down at him. He smiled at her. She smiled back at him.

"Did you even say goodbye?" Courtney's voice came out harsh and quiet…and more hurt than she meant for it to.

"Like you care?"

How could she think that? After everything she'd done for her? She had stuck up for her. She had protected her from rapists and racists and from herself. She had showed Emily the true nature of who she was. She had wiped her tears when she cried. How could Emily think she didn't care?

"I care about my brother." It was a lie. She hadn't even seen Isaac in days. She'd been too wrapped up in other things.

"You have a funny way of showing it."

A flush of anger surged through Courtney's veins.

"Does he know about this?"

She hit a soft spot in Emily.

"We haven't talked much since we split."

"He misses you." She felt a lump in her throat, I miss you. Emily couldn't leave. She couldn't. Maybe she could guilt her into staying. She knew how to cut her deeply. She knew what would hurt her. "You broke his heart, you know."

Emily didn't take the bait.

"Things just didn't work. And this move pretty much sealed it…"

"We both know that's not why you two didn't work," she smirked.

She thought about all the kisses they'd shared, all the intimate touches.

"Don't push me again, Courtney. You won't like what happens if you do."

Her words struck a nerve. Courtney realized that the last time she pushed Emily she'd lost her baby. Her body tensed up. She flinched and pulled back. The pain was overbearing sometimes. She had never known what love was until she saw her baby on the screen. And now she would never love again.

She reached for one of the baby's rattles. She stared at it before shaking it to get the little boy's attention.

The noise caused him to whip his head to the side. He was still gripping Emily's pant legs. It made Courtney mad.

Let her go! She wanted to scream. She's mine! MINE! Not yours!

Courtney kept her focus on the baby, moving the toy around in his line of sight, trying to keep him transfixed.

"Babies are cool as shit. They're like little molds of clay. You can teach them anything." She was speaking to Emily, but her eyes were on the little boy. "They process everything you say and do. I always thought that was interesting. That you could just take something so malleable and shape them however you want." She moved the toy in front of the baby. Her eyes were glistening as she thought about the baby she would never know. "I think I'd be a really great mom." She glanced at Emily's stomach. "Do you want kids?"

Emily didn't answer. Her eyes were fixed on Nick's cousin at her feet. Courtney watched her, mesmerized by the look in her eyes. She looked at children with such affection. It made her heart hurt.

"Maybe when you're older?" Courtney taunted her. She wanted to scream that she knew Emily's secret. She wanted the whole neighborhood to hear.

Before Emily could respond, the little boy twisted his body and looked up at Emily again with a stupid grin on his face.

He grunted and whined and wildly pulled on her pants, desperately trying to get her attention. He held his teething ring up in the air, like he was trying to give it to her.

She crouched down and he clapped in excitement. He reached for her with a smile. Courtney watched the interaction curiously. She knew the real Emily. She knew the Emily from the locker room. She knew the Emily who spit fire and threw punches. But Emily was so gentle with children. She would be incredible with her own children.

She peered at the brunette, trying to picture her as a mother. She was trying to imagine what her children would look like. Any child of hers would be gorgeous.

"Muh…" The baby uttered. "Muh-mm…muh."

Courtney glanced at the baby, a strange irrational anger biting her.

No. She's Mine. SHE'S MINE!

Her thoughts suddenly turned sour. The idea of Emily having a baby pissed her off. The idea of a beautiful baby loving her didn't sit right with her. Not since she'd lost her own.

Emily wasn't worthy of the baby's attention. She wouldn't stand for Nick's cousin liking Emily more than he liked her. She was supposed to be the one in charge. She was supposed to be the mommy.

She reached out and pinched the skin on his thigh really hard, hard enough to make him whine and then start screaming. Courtney grabbed him and yanked him away from Emily. She scowled at the brunette.

"You made him cry! What did you do to him?" She whipped the baby up so quickly that his head bobbled on his neck.

Tears were streaming down his face. Emily stumbled to her feet.

"What's going on?" Nick rushed down from the front porch.

He had two drinks in his hands. He put them down on the blanket and gently put his hand against the back of his cousin's head to try and stop the squalling.

The baby's full blown cry turned into a subtle whimper. Courtney passed the baby over to Nick.

"What's wrong, bud?" Nick bounced his cousin in a soothing manner.

"He was fine until SHE came over." Courtney spit hatefully. She peered at Emily, a devious smirk on her face. "It's a good thing you're moving. I would hate for him to see your stupid face every day and be more traumatized than he already is. Now go away. Your presence is upsetting him."

Emily tumbled backwards. She almost tripped on a tree root, but Nick grabbed her arm. He managed to keep a tight hold on his cousin and keep Emily from falling to the ground.

"Sorry." She looked at Nick apologetically. The color had drained from her cheeks. She looked at the baby, horrified that she might have done something wrong. "I…I'm sorry."

She told them she needed to finish packing and then scurried off. Nick soothed the baby as he watched Emily disappear.

"Hey, take him for a few seconds." Nick handed Courtney the infant. "I'll be right back."

"What are you going to do to her?" She sounded excited.

"What, you want me to whack her over the head with a shovel and bury her in the backyard or something?" He was being sarcastic, but Courtney nearly salivated at the suggestion.

That would mean Emily would be there, forever. She would never leave.

Nick jogged after her, catching her as she was getting ready to move a small box from the porch to her parent's car. It made him nostalgic for the day he'd seen her moving in, dressed in her sexy tank top and cut off jean shorts, her skin gleaming with sweat.

"Yo, Em…wait up." He reached for the box in her hands. "Let me help you with that."

She looked perturbed by his chivalrous offer, but she gave him the box. He loaded it into her parent's car. He put his hand on the door.

"You still suck at stealth, cat burglar." He tapped the door frame with his palm.

"You're an accessory to the crime now." Emily chuckled.

There was a quiet tension in the air.

"Gonna miss you, purple hair." He waited for her to tell him to come visit, but she just nervously looked at the ground. She was hiding.

"I'm going to miss you, too, troublemaker." She sighed. "You've been such a good friend to me."

She had no idea how far it was from the truth. They had been friends once. But not anymore. She had taken something precious from him. She had made a very powerful enemy.

"Let me see your phone for a minute." He held his palm out.

"Why?" Emily looked at him incredulously.

"Dude, have I EVER given you any reason not to trust me?"

He knew she would give in. He was her weakness. She didn't trust Courtney, but he'd been one of her greatest allies since she got to town.

She would never expect him to betray her. But that's exactly what he did. He activated a bug he knew existed in every phone, with the speaker, with the camera. Every tinfoil hat-wearing psychopath had been right about people being able to tap phones.

"I got new digits. My folks and I aren't on the family plan anymore." He explained as he played with her phone.

He didn't mention that he was on an entirely new family plan with a brother halfway across the country.

"Also, I'm favoriting a bunch of porn sites." He teased.

She playfully smacked him.

"You better not. You do that and I'll kill you."

He smirked. Maybe he'd kill her one day.

As he was handing her phone back to her it chimed.

It was her mother. She frowned at the screen.

"I have to go. My parents are waiting on me."

"Don't be a stranger, Em."

She nodded, a nervous look on her face as she waved and turned to walk away. He watched her go.

Something dawned on him.

He'd said goodbye the same way he'd said hello. Over moving boxes and secrets.

But it would not be their last goodbye. It would not be the last time they saw one another. Their worlds would collide again one day, and it would end in devastation.

o ~ O ~ o

Hours before Nick left for his flight he got into a huge argument with his parents. He hadn't told them anything about his trip. He didn't figure he had to. He was old enough to leave. They didn't care about him any other day of the week. So when his mom lost her temper over being kept in the dark it had escalated.

She was livid when she found out he was leaving.

"You can't just up and move across the country without telling us!" She yelled.

"It's not like we talk anyways." Nick shrugged. "When is the last time you asked me how my day was going?"

"We're your parents!" She snapped, staring at her husband, pleading for him to talk to his son. But he couldn't look at Nick, not since he'd found out the truth about his heritage.

"You knew I was leaving for New York."

"We were supposed to go with you!"

"You're just mad that I'm refusing to be your meal ticket to the big city."

"NICOLAS COLE MAXWELL!" His mother lost her temper.

She was an Ungodly screamer. Courtney couldn't take the yelling anymore, so she slipped out the back door. She stood in the front yard for the longest time staring at Emily's empty house.

The move had happened so fast. Emily was there one minute and then gone the next. There was an empty hole in Courtney's heart as she sauntered towards the house.

The front door was unlocked. She let herself inside. The house was hollow. She ran her fingers across a mantle. It was spotless. Emily's mother was anal-retentive, so Courtney didn't expect anything less.

She wandered around the house, trying to find pockets of Emily's scent. She looked for any trace of the brunette that had crushed her heart. She found a stray strand of hair. She plucked a strand of her own hair and delicately braided the two together, twisting so tight they'd never be apart again, tangling them to the point of no return.

She stared at the large empty spot where Emily's couch had once been. She soured when she thought about the time she'd peeked in and seen her making out with her brother there. She thought of other conquests. She thought of Maya. She had found Maya's family in DC after doing some research. It bothered her that Maya was going to be closer to Emily than she was.

She crept up the stairs to her bedroom. She'd been in it a few times before after sneaking in to spy on her. She'd watched from her closet once as Emily slept, muttering and groping at something under the covers in her sleep.

She'd resisted the urge to join her, though the noises she made during the dream made her hot. What spoiled it for her was hearing her whisper Maya's name.

Maya was gone now.

Emily was gone, too.

It didn't seem real.

Unlike the loss of her child, it felt worse, because it wasn't a permanent loss. She knew that Emily would always be out there…and she wouldn't be with her. She had chosen to leave her. Her baby hadn't had a choice.

She walked around the room. It seemed so big and empty without Emily filling the space.

It's how she felt.

Empty.

She followed the four walls, tracing her fingers against the fresh coat of paint Emily's father had slathered on before they left. She opened Emily's closet, observing it. It still smelled like her. The entire room smelled like her. Her cocoa butter body wash. Her floral conditioner. The hint of chlorine.

She thought of all the times they'd been in the pool together, sharing an essence without knowing. She thought of the way Emily touched the back of her neck in the locker room and about the day she'd pinned her next to the pool, her eyes rabid like a wild animal.

She was raw and untamed. The energy was addictive. Emily was like a high she was constantly chasing. She didn't know how to exist without her.

Tainted. She thought. I'm tainted. She ruined me.

Courtney glanced at the blonde peering back at her from Emily's window, a manifestation of herself she didn't recognize.

She reached out with her index finger and poked at herself like a child discovering their reflection for the first time. She curled her hand into a fist and suppressed the angry tears.

I want her back.

Why couldn't she let her go?

She walked to the center of the room and slowly spun around, trying to picture what Emily must have seen while she was there.

She sat down in the middle of the floor, crossing her legs. She observed the walls. The tape marks where she'd put up photos of her favorite bands. The indents in the carpet that her bed had made.

She backed against the wall where the bed had once been, splaying her legs flat against the floor. She wondered what it would feel like to sneak into bed with her. To catch her half-asleep, put her hand over her mouth and tell her that they had to be quiet "or else."

She imagined her silky sheets would feel good against her body. She could feel Emily's burning hot flesh against her own.

She stared out the window, watching the sunset, closing her eyes and imagining Emily was there watching it with her.

Her long delicate fingers would reach for her hand. She'd caress her knuckles and then slowly trace her fingers across her arm and touch her thigh.

Courtney squirmed at the thought of it. It was so wrong, but it felt so right.

Her fingers traveled through their own volition. She squeezed her eyes shut and thought about the last time they'd kissed. The passion in it. The way Emily's body was begging for more. The way her brain said no, but her body screamed yes.

She quietly disappeared into her fantasies, thinking of the way Emily would tend to all of her needs, everything she couldn't get from her boyfriend.

She could see swirling lights. She could hear her…feel her.

It was only when she opened her eyes several minutes later that she realized it wasn't real.

Her cheeks were flooded with hot tears. She'd been crying again. She curled her knees up to her chest, wrapping her arms around her legs tightly. She sobbed into her knees.

Her body hurt. It ached. And she knew it would never feel normal again. Her mind was a cesspool.

All she could think about was the brunette.

Help me. She silently begged for help she knew would never come. Why can't I stop? I want to stop. What's wrong with me? What has she done to me?

She angrily wiped the tears away from her face and threw her head back until her skull hit the wall. She knocked herself so hard that she saw stars, but she didn't care.

I want her back. Please. I want my angel back.

It hurt.

Everything hurt.

But she deserved it. She deserved to be punished.

Emily was gone.

I lost her.

She was gone and she was never coming back.

She was alone. Truly alone.

At least…she thought she was alone, but not long after the tears dried up she heard noises downstairs. She heard the groan of the creaky steps as someone approached. She leaped to her feet, wiping her hands on her shirt and then moving towards the shadows of the sunset.

There was a split second when the fading sunlight hit her that Courtney thought she was seeing things. The way the shades in the sky engulfed her entire body made her glow.

My angel.

She watched from the shadows, thinking about how easy it would be to grab her and pull her into the cover of darkness. She focused on the tight tension in Emily's neck. She could only imagine what it would feel like to have her hands wrapped around her throat, to watch the life drain from her eyes as she ripped her panties off and finally got what she wanted. She wondered what it would feel like to be drowning completely in a sea of Emily Fields.

Then a kinder, gentler thought rushed through her mind. The fact that she was back. It was a gift. Emily was a gift. She deserved to be handled with care. She deserved to feel the warmth of passion, to feel desired…to know that she was loved.

She moved towards her, drawn to her instinctively. She saw Emily jump and throw her fists up, ready to defend herself.

I love her. God help me, I'm in love with her.

She licked her lips and stepped into the light.

"You came back." She felt the heat of the sun against her back.

"Courtney? What are you doing here?"

The harsh tone of her voice cut into Courtney like a hot knife through butter. She retaliated,

"What are YOU doing here? I thought you were gone."

"We're leaving in the morning." Emily glanced at the door.

Leaving.

No, she couldn't leave. Courtney didn't want her to leave. She had to convince her to stay…like she'd tried to convince Nick to stay with her pregnancy.

"Wait." Courtney reached out to her, as if the distance between them was non-existent, as if she could reach her from all the way across the room.

Stay. Please stay.

She saw Emily paused in her stride.

"You just startled me. I wasn't expecting anyone else to be here. I was at Nick's house. He got into it with his parents. I just wanted a few minutes of peace and quiet."

She batted her eyes and looked at Emily sadly. She hugged her chest and shrank in on herself. She knew Emily couldn't resist a helpless wounded animal.

Emily took a step towards her, but it was calculated. She was thinking far too hard about it.

"Why didn't you just go home?"

As she inched closer Courtney felt threatened. She panicked when she saw the distance between them closing.

They were close.

Too close.

Bad things happened when they were too close.

Her bad thoughts made her do things she didn't want to do.

So she lashed out,

"Because my brother is the biggest sad sack in the world right now thanks to you. He's miserable to be around."

Courtney saw the brunette's face contort in pain. She wanted to tell Emily she knew her secret…that she knew about the baby. She wanted to crush her with the weight of her guilt. But when she saw her in pain she changed her mind.

I'm sorry, she wanted to say, I'm a bitch. I don't deserve you.

She saw tears threatening to spill over Emily's eyelids. She expected her to storm out, but instead Emily walked over to the window. She gazed outside. She kept her eyes fixed on Nick's house, but she responded to Courtney.

"What are they fighting about?" She dragged two of her fingers against the windowpane.

Courtney watched her movements. Her eyes followed along as she trailed her fingers slowly across the bottom of the window. She thought of how close she'd had those fingers to where she wanted them the night in the bar. She thought about the way they tasted in her mouth.

She looked up at the window, moving next to Emily. She saw her reflection next to the brunette's. She cocked her head in confusion. She didn't recognize the girl in front of her. She stared at herself…into her icy blue eyes.

You're an abomination. You're broken.

She was broken into millions of tiny little pieces that were sending fragments of refracted light back into her soul.

Did she even have a soul?

No rest for the wicked.

She hated herself.

She hated Emily for making her hate herself.

Everything was fine before you she got here.

So why did the fact that Emily was leaving hurt so badly?

She stared past her reflection, at Nick's house. She wondered if he was still yelling at his mom.

It didn't really matter. He would be leaving soon anyway.

"It doesn't matter. He won't have to deal with them much longer."

Emily got a funny look on her face. There was a hardened look in her eyes. She turned to face Courtney.

"Do you love him?"

The question was so pointed and direct that it stunned Courtney into a strange sort of silence. She was taken aback.

Did she love him? Could she love him? Was she even capable of love? She wasn't sure she'd ever felt love.

"Why?" Why did she care? Was it because Emily loved her?

"Because he's a good guy. And if you're just using him as some kind of pawn…if you fuck with his heart…"

Courtney saw red. She had no right. She grabbed an invisible dagger and sank it into Emily's heart.

"Like the way you fucked with Isaac's heart?"

She begged Emily to take the bait. She begged for the collision. The damage they caused one another was nothing more than the connection of their souls. She would always have a piece of Emily, and Emily would always have a piece of her. They were in each other's minds. Emily was in her body. The brunette controlled her.

Emily gently put her hand against the edge of the windowsill.

"I'm not going to fight with you. Not this time." She was quiet. Defeated.

Her submissive nature was troubling to Courtney. She'd worked so hard to pull Emily out of the dark shell she hid herself in. She didn't want to see her revert.

"I'm leaving," Emily said, "But that doesn't mean I don't care about the people I'm leaving behind. Isaac…Nick…they're good people. And if I find out that you're messing with them…"

"God, you're so self-righteous." She gripped the edge of the windowsill so tight that her knuckles turned white. "You're not going to do anything. This place is just a memory for you now. You claim to care about people and then you just toss them aside like used garbage. You're running away."

Always running away. She was always leaving her alone, broken and tired. She'd used her.

"I'm not running away. I'm moving."

"Bullshit." She felt betrayed. Angry. Sad. "You don't care. You never cared."

How could anyone care about her? She knew what she was. She was a monster.

She claimed to care, but she didn't.

"You said you care about Nick. And Isaac." Courtney felt tears stinging her eyes. "What about me? Don't you care about me?"

Emily's silence spoke volumes. After everything she had done to protect her, Emily still didn't love her.

"Of course you don't care." Courtney turned away to look out the window again, trying to hide her pain and frustration. "No one cares about me."

She made Emily turn the narrative into what she wanted. She shifted it, manipulated her to try and gain sympathy. It's something she learned always worked with the brunette.

"Because you push people away." Emily answered quietly. "You make it impossible for everyone around you to care about you."

There was a beat of silence.

Courtney sighed.

"Not everyone." She slid her fingers over towards Emily's, their knuckles brushing together. She felt a cold rush shooting up her spine. Every time she touched Emily she felt like she was going to explode. "Not you."

No matter what she did to Emily, the girl always came back for more. Because she wanted it. She was as damaged as Courtney was.

No, that's not right, she thought.

Emily was everything that virtue stood for. She was empathetic and kind and forgiving. She was like a browbeaten puppy. No matter how many times Courtney shoved her nose in the carpet, Emily still wanted to love her.

"You're different, Emily."

She was pure. Perfect.

She saw Emily hesitate, slowly pulling her hand away, but it was too late. Courtney slid her fingers through Emily's fingertips, snaking their hands together. They fit perfectly.

Close. Too close.

She knew what was coming next. She could never control the impulses. She couldn't control the desire. It was like a demon took over her body and sank its claws into Emily.

She moved closer to Emily, forcing the brunette to instinctively move away from the window, away from where people could see them commit atrocities.

She wants me.

Part of her knew that it was wrong. Part of her knew that Emily was afraid. But she whispered herself menacing lies, told herself things to make it feel justifiable.

Emily's back hit the wall softly. Courtney ghosted her lips over Emily's. She felt her shudder beneath her touch. Her breath was like a burst of sweet air.

Ever so softly Emily started to protest,

"Courtney, I don't…"

But Courtney cut her off,

"Please…" Her voice broke, a quiet beg escaping her lips.

She locked eyes with Emily, letting her walls down, letting Emily see behind the façade, and she did the one thing she'd never done before.

She asked for permission.

"Just let me have this one time."

She gave herself permission, too. To give in. To let herself be a part of it.

Emily didn't say anything. Didn't say no. Didn't push her away.

In a sense it made the moment so much more painful. Rejection fueled the passion. It made it easier for her to hate Emily.

Courtney could feel something clawing at her skin, like a monster she'd released and couldn't get back in its cage.

If she was honest with herself there was no coming back from it. She had spent so much time trying not to let the feelings control her…the urges…the desire. She could feel it all crumbling. She was weightless, floating above herself. Her actions weren't her own.

The fear made her heart pound against her ribs. She could hear the whooshing sound of her pulse in her head.

If she let herself love Emily she would never get over the pain of losing her. But she didn't care. In that moment, honesty was all she had.

It was agonizing.

She palmed Emily's neck as she peered into her eyes. The sunset created a beautiful mirage of colors on her face.

So beautiful.

Courtney blinked through her tears.

It hurts.

It hurt to love her so much. It hurt to need her so much. It hurt to know that she wasn't capable of feeling anything except for what she felt when she was with Emily. Emily had called her a sociopath once. She hadn't understand what it meant. And surely she couldn't be a monster, not when she was able to care for Emily the way she'd cared for her over the years.

She leaned forward, her soft lips capturing Emily's with a delicate touch. She let her passion speak the words that her mouth dare not speak. She let feelings guide her actions. She had to remind herself to be gentle, like the way she was with Nick's cousin. She would never hurt a baby. Emily was carrying a baby. She couldn't hurt the baby.

She held Emily's face gently with her palm, caressing her jaw with a softness she'd never shown before. Her skin was smooth, like silk. The warmth of it beneath her fingertips made her want to feel more. She wanted to feel the heat radiating off of her body. She wanted to see the look on Emily's face as she held her down and claimed her...sent her into a world of desire that the brunette had never known.

What is wrong with me?

Her body craved Emily's touch, but her mind took her back to the first time she'd laid in bed and cried as she thought of Emily and Isaac together. Such a combined feeling of joy and pain. The urge to love her, yet to hate her. The urge to make love to her and to slit her throat as she peaked.

The urgency of it and the disassociation from herself gnawed at her bones. The pleasure made her high, but reality made her feel her own shame.

She had seen herself in Emily when the brunette was intimate with Isaac. She'd replayed the video enough to recognize the detachment on her face. She saw her face on Emily's, and Nick's on Isaac's. In that moment she had been the one in the bed. She had been the one separating her mind from her body.

She remembered the way she'd felt that night. She'd done immoral things in her bed. Emily had made her do immoral things.

It was always Emily.

As she kissed Emily memories flooded her mind. The first time she felt the tingle down there. The first time she closed her eyes when she was with Nick and imagined her instead of him. The first time she'd uttered Emily's name under her breath in the height of her pleasure. All the times she'd kissed her…touched her. The times she'd felt Emily's body react to her touch.

She lost herself in the kiss. She felt things surging through her veins she'd never felt before. She felt warm and loopy and excited all at the same time.

She was drowning in the euphoric bliss. Her taste. Her smell. The way she felt underneath her touch.

Courtney pressed into the embrace harder, needing to feel more, needing to suck all of the joy out of her.

She pushed her against the wall, eliciting a soft cry from her. Courtney felt the vibration of her lips as she groaned, though she didn't recognize that it wasn't out of pleasure. It was shock and fear.

She forced her tongue into Emily's mouth.

More.

She demanded Emily give her access.

A part of her brain was loudly screaming at her to tear her fingernails into Emily's flesh until she screamed...to rip her clothes off and let their raw unadulterated passion consume them, while another part whispered softly to gently hold the brunette and cherish her and to quietly let the heat between them simmer as their bodies moved together.

She didn't know which part of herself to listen to anymore. Emily had ruined her. It was all her fault.

She'd always known that Emily was different, but she had never been able to figure out why it bothered her so much. Now her head was full of loud noise that she couldn't shut out.

Dylan Thomas had once said "I hold a beast, an angel, and a madman in me." It's how she felt. Her opposing mental forces was just the nature of her spirit. But it was tearing her apart. And it made her want to do the same to Emily.

Fix me. Please fix me.

Warm droplets streamed down her face. The tears didn't feel real. They felt like they were being forced out of her, wrung out like a washcloth overwrought with the weight of the water.

Courtney knew Emily wouldn't understand. She didn't understand either. But she didn't care. All she knew was that she felt alive when she had Emily in her grasp. And she wanted her. She wanted to have every part of her. Emily belonged to her.

She was fucked up. Emily was fucked up. They didn't belong in the world. Not like this. They were damaged. But together they were whole. God had sent them into the world broken.

You have forsaken me.

She growled angrily under her breath. She wanted the noise to stop. So she pushed it all on Emily. She let it out as she cradled her face and moved her lips against Emily's so hard that they would assuredly be bruised in the morning.

Fuck God.

She felt her stomach clenching as she gave in. She started panting into Emily's mouth, the sobs overtaking her as she clung to Emily's body.

The impulsive desire pushed her to do this. It wasn't her. It wasn't her fault. It was Emily. She was the rotten apple destroying Eden.

Fuck Emily.

She had spent years pushing Emily away, playing with her like a toy. But now that Emily was leaving something felt torn inside of her. She felt betrayed. And hurt. And she wanted it to stop. Emily did things to her and she wanted it to stop. Yet, at the same time she didn't want it to stop.

Cognitive Dissonance. She'd told Emily after her break up with Isaac. Fuck cognitive dissonance.

She rubbed her pelvis against Emily's thigh, sucking in a breath and letting out a cry. Her body burst with pleasure. It was something Nick had never been able to accomplish, not on his own, not unless she was thinking of Emily.

She didn't realize she'd stopped breathing. But she let out a moan and felt her lungs explode, stars bursting behind her eyes. She hummed Emily's name against her lips as she closed her eyes and let go.

Her thighs pulsed. Her entire body pulsed. She felt something warm and hot in her stomach. She cried into Emily's mouth as she let herself feel it. She couldn't breathe. Emily had stolen her breath. Emily had stolen her innocence. She'd spent so much time worried about someone stealing Emily's innocence that she hadn't thought about her own.

She was drowning in a dark abyss, sea urchins all around her. She felt slimy and dirty. She ripped her lips away from Emily's.

How could Emily make her feel this way? It was wrong.

They were wrong.

She frantically wiped away the wetness on her face and let her forehead fall against Emily's as she tried to keep herself from hyperventilating. Her body was rocked with little bursts of energy she'd never felt before. She felt lightheaded, like she might pass out.

She was shaking, trembling. But she didn't know if it was anger or fear. When she came to her senses she realized Emily was shaking, too. The brunette looked startled. Afraid. Violated.

"I…have to go."

But Courtney wasn't going to let her go. Not without a fight. She had finally let Emily in. And she was never going to let her out.

"You feel it, too, right?" Courtney pressed her body against Emily's again. She wanted to feel what she'd just felt over and over again. "You need me." She pecked Emily's lips again. "No one knows you like I know you. No one understands us. We're broken, you and me…"

"I'm not broken. You're not…" She paused, a curious pause. "There is nothing wrong with feeling things…"

"You did this." Courtney cut her off, refusing to hear what she had to say, "And now you just want to run away and leave me here. But you need to fix it. You belong here. You can't go. We need each other…"

Something changed in Emily's eyes. She looked…horrified? Disgusted?

How could she be disgusted? They were the same. Courtney didn't understand.

"You think I NEEDED you to make my life a living hell?"

Courtney listened to the sound of her voice, but the words she heard were not what Emily was saying. Emily was telling her to back off, but all Courtney heard was fuck me. I need you to fuck me.

Courtney closed her eyes and leaned forward, drawing in a deep breath through her nose, letting the smell of Emily's musk arouse her senses. If she tasted anything like what she smelled like she was going to be amazing.

"You destroyed me." Emily hissed through her teeth.

Courtney nuzzled against her, slipping her hand underneath Emily's shirt, letting her palm rest against her stomach. When she touched the baby something inside of her snapped. She felt herself floating. She couldn't come down.

Our baby, she thought before opening her eyes and peering at Emily with sad eyes. So sweet. So innocent.

She looked at Emily, lip quivering, silently begging for her not to take the child away from her.

"I'm sorry."

Emily pulled back, shoving Courtney's hand away from her stomach.

It angered her. It wasn't fair for Emily to keep the baby away from her.

"I don't forgive you." Emily snarled.

Her words hurt more than Courtney expected them to. She felt tears burning her eyes. She thought of the locker room, of how it felt to know she was losing her child. Emily had caused that. Emily had taken her baby away from her.

"I forgave you." Her voice cracked.

There was an angry ire in Emily's gaze,

"I have never done ANYTHING to you that you didn't instigate first."

"Because you needed to see!" Courtney raised her voice. "You needed to see who you really are. I made you stronger. Braver. Look at you…" She played with the purple stripe in Emily's hair. "You're taking risks. You're stepping out of the box."

"I'm doing all of this for ME. Not for you." Emily pushed against Courtney's shoulder again.

The resistance opened up the channels of her mind she didn't want open.

We are wrong. We are broken.

There was a strange flicker in her eyes. She fought back a sob.

"We were made in the devil's image." Courtney whispered.

Emily stared at her, a look of pity on her face.

"You really believe that, don't you?" Her shock and disgust gave way to a brief second of sympathy. "Courtney, you can't…you can't hate yourself for how you feel about girls…"

She wanted to rip Emily's tongue out for saying it. For making it real. She wanted to scream at her to take it back.

"Stop it." Courtney growled. "You don't know. You don't know what you're talking about."

"Hey, it's okay…" She reached out to touch Courtney's arm. Her touch was slowly killing Courtney.

"Shut up." She yanked her arm away.

"I understand." She spoke to her the way a teacher might try to calm a tantruming child. "It's okay. I understand…"

"No. No!" Courtney slammed her eyes shut. Tears spilled out. She grabbed her temples in pain.

Make. It. Stop.

Her eyes fluttered open and she locked in on Emily.

Make her see. Make her understand. She's mine. They're mine.

Without warning, she surged forward and attacked her lips again. It was less delicate this time. She was grasping Emily's cheek so hard that her fingernails were digging little crescent shaped dents into her face.

"Stop…" Emily breathed hard against Courtney's embrace, trying to pull away. "You can't just…"

Courtney shut her up by shoving her tongue in Emily's mouth and pressing her lips so tightly against Emily's that she couldn't speak.

She had to have her. She had to feel her.

No more waiting.

I love you. She tried to say the words, but they wouldn't come out.

Her fingertips grazed the waistband of Emily's jeans. She wanted them off. She wanted to feel the slick heat and moisture she knew was beneath them. She wanted to bury herself in Emily and stay there forever.

Love. She rubbed her fingers against Emily's jeans. Something that looked like pleasure to her crossed Emily's face. It wasn't pleasure. It was terror. But Courtney didn't know the difference. This is love. No one can love her like I love her. No one will want her when I am done with her. She'll be mine forever.

She couldn't let her leave without showing her how she felt. She needed to leave her mark on her. She needed the whole world to know that Emily was hers.

She felt two words that got lost in a strangled moan,

"Courtney, please…"

She didn't hear the third word, "don't."

She heard only what she wanted to hear.

She's begging for it.

Courtney liked the way Emily wriggled her body…the way she squirmed. The way she pushed and cried.

I want to make you feel good is what she wanted to say. Instead she uttered,

"Hold still. Stop moving."

She wanted to worship her. She wanted to worship every inch of her body.

She pushed her fingers below the waistband of Emily's jeans. Emily cried out in protest, but Courtney growled into their kiss and pushed back with a vigorous amount of force.

She'll like it. She just needs to let me in.

She felt Emily struggling, panicking, but she knew it was just because Emily wasn't paying attention to her feelings. She just needed to relax. She just needed to let her feelings in.

Look at me! She wanted to scream. Can't you see me? I'm here! I'm right here! Why couldn't she hear her screaming?

"Take off your pants." Courtney bit Emily's lip, moving her free hand towards the button on Emily's jeans.

She heard a muted no, but she refused to let Emily get the word out. She was done hearing that word. Emily didn't get to play games with her and get away with it.

Emily screamed against her mouth when Courtney forcefully sank her fingers further into her underwear.

"I said no!" Emily ripped her lips away and shoved Courtney backwards.

She was almost there. She almost had her.

Let me love you. Please let me love you.

Something inside of her snapped. She let out a needy frantic cry as she desperately reached for the button and zipper on Emily's jeans again, popping the button and ripping the zipper down. Emily crossed one arm in front of her unzipped jeans and tried to push Courtney away with her other.

Courtney's adrenaline gave her a surge of strength. She yanked Emily's hand away. She managed to get her fingers through a loop in her jeans. She tried to pull them down with one hand as she dipped her fingers down into them again with her other.

It's mine. She's mine.

Emily slapped her hands away, which pushed Courtney over the edge. The brunette always made her mad. Courtney glared at her.

You made me do this. It's your fault.

She rammed her shoulder against Emily and pushed her back against the wall again, forcing their lips together. She had to get back what they had a few minutes ago. She had to make Emily see that this was how it was supposed to be.

She grasped Emily's wrists and pushed them against the wall, holding her down as their lips clashed. She knew Emily wanted her. She'd known since their first kiss in the locker room.

Emily managed to pull one of her wrists free. She pushed back, freeing herself from Courtney's grasp.

"Why are you fighting this so hard?" They were meant to be. "We could be a family. We could…we could run away and be a family."

"You're delusional." Emily darted away from her, stumbling as she buttoned her jeans back up. "You're right about one thing though. I'm running away…with my family. And you're not part of it. You never were. You never will be."

The words were like a dagger to Courtney's heart.

"The fact that you don't see that what you're doing is wrong makes me pity you. You're a sad excuse for a human being, and I hope I never see you again."

She huffed, moving her arm up to her lips. She wiped her mouth with her sleeve.

"Have a nice life." She turned her back on the blonde and paced towards the door.

Courtney panicked.

She was losing her.

Tell her. Her mind screamed at her.

She reached out to grab her wrist,

"Emily, wait!"

Emily twirled around, her eyes frantic like an animal trapped in the wild.

But Courtney couldn't let her go. Emily was the only person left in the world who mattered to her. She lost her baby. She couldn't lose Emily.

"I don't want to lose you, too."

"You never had me." Emily tried to pull her hand away, but Courtney tightened her grip. "Just because your boyfriend is moving across the country and your family hates you doesn't mean you can just go out and collect a new family. You can't MAKE people love you. Nick and Isaac are lucky if they manage to get away from you. Now let me go."

Courtney felt like she'd been physically punched. She slowly let go of Emily's hand.

She had screwed up somewhere. But she couldn't figure out how.

"I'm sorry. I'll do better. Please. I…" Her chest hurt. Her chest hurt so had. Heartbreak. "I love you."

Emily didn't seem to register the words. Instead, her eyes darted around the room, as if she was trying to make sense of something. After a few seconds she looked Courtney dead in the eyes and very calmly replied.

"The thing about love, Courtney…it isn't supposed to hurt."

Courtney watched in horror as Emily disappeared as quickly as she'd appeared. She heard the sound of her bike revving in the driveway.

NO! She wanted to scream.

She wanted to rush outside and tackle her. She wanted to drag her to a secluded house somewhere, just the two of them. She could make Emily see they were meant to be.

Emily's sharp words were still rattling around in her head and causing chaos in her heart.

Emily didn't look back that day. She'd driven off into the sunset, leaving her past behind. At least, she thought she was leaving it behind.

She had assumed it would be the last time she ever saw Courtney. She assumed it would be the last time Courtney ever tried to touch her. But it would only be six weeks later that Courtney would visit her in the hospital in Rosewood after a disastrous Halloween dance.

This is what you did to me, Courtney would think while hooking the labor simulator up to her while she was halfway unconscious.

This is what you took from me, she would quietly sneer at her while slathering Emily's thighs in fake blood and coating her fingers in the sticky substance.

Courtney would never forget. She would never forgive her.

The day Emily left her it stoked deadly flames.

At the time, Courtney didn't realize that Emily leaving only made their love stronger. At the time, all she could see was a dark cloud occluding her vision.

She collapsed into a puddle on the floor, falling against it, curling in on herself as she sobbed.

Emily was right. Love wasn't supposed to hurt, but it did. She wished she could go back. She wished she couldn't feel a damn thing.

She laid there for an hour, feeling the cold emptiness that Emily had left, the void in her wake. She only managed to pull herself off of the ground after Nick texted her that he was getting ready to leave.

She'd gone with him to the airport with him that night.

"You'll watch her for me?" Courtney asked as she kissed him.

It felt wrong to kiss him now. She was in love with Emily.

"I've got it. I promise."

"We're going to get her back, right?" Courtney asked.

She'd been asking him ever since the miscarriage. He didn't realize that she was asking because she thought she'd lost Emily. He assumed it was about revenge, and he was all too eager to get her back. He had the means. He had the funds. He had everything he needed.

His flight was called for New York. But his real destination was Rosewood, Pennsylvania.

He had been on a plane long before Emily left the state. He had things to set up on the east coast.

He'd met his brother for the first time after he got there. They had dinner and drank beers. He'd told Darren a little bit about Emily after the miscarriage, but he'd never gone into detail. It was only when he saw him for the first time…saw the familiarity in Darren's eyes…saw his blood staring back at him that they clicked.

It was the first real connection he'd made since he'd met Emily. It made him want to open up to Darren. He told him all about Emily…how he'd destroyed his girlfriend, killed their baby. She told him Emily was pregnant and gave him all of her records.

Darren told him he'd be discreet. He told him he knew people that would help. Boys that looked up to him. Girls that worshiped him.

"Got you covered, bro. I know all the secrets in town. And what I don't know I make up for in sex appeal. All these high school girls would cream their panties if I asked them to do me a favor."

Nick had been surprised at his willingness to help, but he didn't realize Darren had an ulterior motive. He knew about Nick's trust fund. He'd already blown through most of his money. He thought if he did his brother some favors it would come back in the form of rewards.

It had made things much easier. He'd roped Noel Kahn into helping. He'd charmed Cindy and Mindy into it.

Nick had been Courtney's eyes and ears for months. She'd come to visit when she could. She blackmailed her parents into letting her travel, threatening to expose that they knew about the pregnancy otherwise.

She'd traveled to Rosewood and watched from afar.

She hated the girl Emily was with.

Alison.

It should have been her. She wanted it to be her. She studied the way she moved. The way she dressed. The way she talked. She learned to mimic her. She could become Alison if she wanted to. She knew she could make Emily love her. She could make the baby love her.

It was hard to see Emily with someone she didn't belong with. She did everything she could to pull them apart, but it only seemed to make them closer in the end.

She followed Alison to New York City over the winter break. She had tried to get under her skin. But no matter what she did she couldn't drive a wedge between them.

She had to watch as they built a little snow family together on New Years Eve. She had been so irate that she'd destroyed the creations, grounding them to a pulp.

But Emily still didn't listen. So to make her listen she'd gone a step further. She'd started attacking the people she loved. Maya. Alison. Her father.

She'd watched them for months, and as much as she hated Emily for destroying her life she couldn't help but marvel at watching her body change…at watching her belly grow, imagining what it would have been like during her own pregnancy.

She was eager to meet the baby. She pictured what she would look like. She imagined what it would feel like to hold her. She thought about the way she would rescue her from the woman who would have killed her before she was born.

And when she finally saw little Autumn in the nursery she couldn't wait to get her hands on her and squeeze her little cheeks. She would take her away. She would take her far far away and Emily could never hurt either one of them ever again.

She knew if she was patient an opportunity would present itself. She just had to get Emily alone. The drugs she'd stolen from the supply closet were burning a hole through the pocket of the scrubs she was wearing.

The opportunity happened when Autumn was buried in her mother's chest, attached to her bosom, suckling softly. Emily was alone. Vulnerable.

It was finally coming full circle.

As Nick was locking Alison in a cold locker in the morgue, leaving her to suffocate, Courtney was outside Emily's room. Waiting. Watching.

She had waited months. Now, she was finally ready to make her move.


A/N: The sad slow spiral and the violence was hard to write and edit, but it was always a part of the backstory. I channeled the book characters, and they were complex as hell. Courtney is a very ill character, and I know people recognize it. Her back and forth with Emily is definitely a struggle between her urges and her knowledge of her lack of humanity.

Note: I've decided to add an ending disclaimer cuz I woke up early and I've been thinking about it (and I had to edit a formatting mistake anyway):

I'm aware that this is not everyone's favorite thing, but I've always tried to do my best with character balance and weaving everything together. I think it's important to note that this two-parter was not two separate chapters, but rather a flashback episode that was always part of this climax.

I noted in part 1 that I was anxious about posting because of criticism I received in a previous story with a similar plot point. I'm aware that not all feedback is sunshine and rainbows, and I am very fortunate that I can often try to find the good in all of it. But sometimes I do get emo.

Admittedly, I'm self conscious about everything I write, but specifically when I deviate from the main plot. I considered shelving this story before I ever posted for that very reason, because this was always going to have to be a part of it and I know that not everyone likes this kind of content.

I know people get used to being immersed in the Emison world (how can you not?), however I also take a lot of time to intricately create a world outside of them when it comes to characters that affect them. I bleed my soul into every single character that I write, even though it's just fanfiction.

One thing that I didn't like about the show was the lack of development for the villains (ESPECIALLY Alex Drake) and how they were never given stories outside of the PLL's universe. I don't like characters who are just messily thrown in with no MO. I'm a firm believer in well-rounded character development and seeing everyone in totality, especially one as important as Courtney.

It was important in this case not only in understanding Emily's past, but in going forward. Characters take certain actions going forward that I didn't want to seem out of the blue or disingenuous. There is also a bigger conversation to be had about mental health and hostile home lives as a whole. I feel a sense of responsibility to bring these issues up, as well as neglect, assault, and so much more. Because they're important topics of conversation.

Nothing about my stories is ever simple. I hope people realize that this fic is just one part of a whole, and without these pieces the story would be lacking in many ways. My fictional world is not always for everyone, and I understand that. I guess what I'm trying to say is...be nice. Be patient.

And prepare yourself for more nail-biting.

Deep breaths. The next one is bloody intense. Get the defibrillators handy.