Chapter 47

"Okay... Now add the powdered sugar."

Haley directed, nodding at Nick to do as she asked.

Nick carefully poured the powdered sugar into the mixing bowl, a grin on his face.

Macey knelt in front of the oven, watching the cookies as they baked.

It was a sight for sore eyes, that was for sure.

One that Nathan did not mind one single bit.

He'd tried to help, he really had. But he'd been banished from helping after he'd mixed one too many food colorings together and ruined their first round of frosting by making it a brownish-greenish color that no one was fond of except for Nick.

Or at least Nick said he liked it, but Nathan could tell he was just being nice.

"Great job, Nick," Haley praised, which made the boy light up even more. "While I finish mixing this, why don't you go practice your new song on the piano?"

"Okay!" Nick chimed, setting the measuring cup down on the counter, loose powdered sugar flying off of it.

He ran out of the kitchen, hurrying over to the piano and sitting on the bench.

Nathan listened to Nick listened as Nick chopped out some festive song that he'd eventually recognize as it got a little more fluid.

Macey hummed, standing up and rushing out of the kitchen as well, following Nick so she could sit by him.

Nathan looked at Haley suggestively as both of the kids exited the kitchen.

He pushed himself up from his spot leaning against the counter, quickly rounding the edge until her found himself next to Haley.

"Wipe that look off your face," Haley laughed, shaking her head. "It's not going to happen."

"But-"

"Nope."

Nathan wrapped his arms around her, pressing a soft kiss to the crook of her neck and closing his eyes.

Haley leaned back against him, continuing to mix in the remaining ingredients to the frosting, listening to Nick play.

"Okay fine," She conceded, laughing. "But only a little bit, okay?"

Nathan grinned, grabbing onto the mixing spoon, wiping a little bit of frosting off of it and eating it off his finger. "You are my dream woman."

"Whatever," She said, smiling and rolling her eyes. "Tell me why your kid was the one that signed up to bring cookies to the class party but I'm the one making them?"

"Because I would have gone the classic store bought route and Katherine is in Vermont. And she would make some shit cookies even if she were here, trust me," Nathan laughed, hugging her tightly. "And because you're amazing and kind. And beautiful."

"You're just on a sugar high I think," She said, laughing. "You ate a lot of that gross looking frosting before I made you throw it away. Who are you and what have you done with Nathan?"

"I just didn't want my masterpiece to go to waste. Trust me, I'm regretting it big time. Even that little bit I just ate was too much for me."

"Aw, babe... Do you need to lay down with some sprite?" She asked, laughing quietly.

"Aw, babe... No," He said, tickling her sides lightly, causing her to jump away from him.

"Nathan!" She laughed, turning around and poking her finger into his chest. "You watch those hands."

He held his hands up innocently, laughing. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Sure," She said, crossing her arms and smiling.

Nathan listened to Nick as he played for a moment, before holding out his hand to Haley. "May I have this dance?"

Haley laughed, grabbing onto one hand, resting the other on his shoulder. "I'm worried about you."

"What? Why? My knee is totally fine now. I've gone on a run every day this week," He said, frowning.

"Not about that," She said, leaning her head against him. "I just don't think you'll be able to dance after you ate all that frosting."

"Oh, stop it," He laughed, spinning her quickly, hugging her back into his arms. "I can do anything. I'm basically Superman."

"So I've heard," She mumbled, smiling brightly.

"When the music is right, I have no choice," He confirmed, laughing.

"I think he's going to need me to run over it with him again," Haley said softly, closing her eyes.

"I like it the way it is," He assured her, resting his head against hers.

"You are so going to get us in trouble with Macey," Haley said, laughing.

"Why?" He asked her curiously, looking down at her.

Haley wrapped her arms around his neck, standing on her toes and kissing him quickly.

Nathan smiled, kissing her back, dipping her down.

"Oh, Nathan!" Haley let out a loud laugh at his actions, her hand fisting his t-shirt tightly, her feet slipping out from under her.

Nathan laughed, keeping a careful grip on her so that she wouldn't fall, tilting her back up and grinning.

"You can't be trying to get me in trouble, Haley James," Nathan said, kissing her head.

He lifted her back onto her feet, laughing.

Haley smiled, standing on her toes and kissing him once more. She gently scratching her fingernails over the back of his neck.

"Is the frosting ready yet?"

Macey called from the living room.

"I let Nathan mix the frosting again!"

Haley teased her daughter, listening as two pairs of foot steps came racing towards the kitchen.

"You're kidding!" Macey said, side stepping the counter to peer at the still white frosting.

"I'm kidding," Haley confirmed, squeezing Nathan's shoulder. "Let's split it and do some different colors."

"That was my intention, I just thought I could do it without splitting," Nathan said, shrugging.

"Well it was ineffective," Nick said, flashing a big grin.

"Now that, is a big word," Nathan said, ruffling Nick's hair.

"And I know what it means too," Nick said, shrugging slightly.

"You're so smart," Haley praised, winking at Nick.

"I have no clue what it means," Macey hummed, grinning.

"It means it didn't work," Nick said, nodding.

"Oh. Then it was ineffective," Macey giggled.

"Oh, whatever," Nathan said, letting out a dramatic sigh. "I'm going to go see if there's something on TV."

"No way," Haley said, wrapping both of her arms around Nathan's waist. "You're not leaving."

"Yeah, Natey! We were just teasing," Macey urged, frowning.

"Joking around!" Nick agreed quickly.

"Oh, you really know how to make a guy feel loved," Nathan said, kissing Haley's head. "Can I put color in the frosting?"

"No!"

The three of them answered at the same time, before laughing together.

xxxx

Nathan glanced over at Haley as she wiped the make up off her face.

He slowly moved his toothbrush along his mouth, zoning out on her quickly.

"You are staring. And you have a little..." Haley rubbed the corner of her mouth to explain to him where the toothpaste foam was located.

Nathan quickly wiped at the corner of his mouth, smiling at her.

"Not sure I've ever had a guy literally drool over me," She joked, stepping on his foot lightly.

Nathan rolled his eyes, pulling his toothbrush from his mouth, rinsing it under the faucet. He made sure she was watching as he set the toothbrush back in the holder.

Haley shook her head, smiling slightly. "I can't believe you talked me into having you two spend the night tonight. I feel like we've totally overdone it."

"Nah," Nathan assured, turning and leaning back against the counter. "Just means we get to spend the whole winter break at my house though."

"Why's that?"

"Because it's only fair. It's been awhile since we've stayed there," He said, crossing his arms.

"Is this up for debate?" She asked, raising her eyebrows.

"Haley, I think that anything it up for debate with the right persuasion," Nathan said, winking at her and smirking.

"Noted," She hummed, laughing.

Nathan watched as she continued to wash her face, a thoughtful grin on his face.

"What are you thinking about?"

He shrugged slightly, "I just think that you're a really great mother."

Haley smiled at his comment.

"Thank you," She said, nodding slowly. "And I think that you're a great dad."

"Thanks," He said, tapping his fingers lightly against the counter. "I really mean it, Hales... You're incredible. Macey is so great."

"She's a handful, that's for sure," Haley said, laughing. "She's definitely kept me busy over the last eight years."

"Do you want more?"

"More?"

"Kids," Nathan said, clearing his throat. "Is that a weird question to ask?"

"No, I talk to all of my boyfriends of one month about kids," Haley laughed, looking back into the mirror.

"Obviously I'm not talking about now," He hummed, shaking his head and laughing.

"I know. I'm just kidding," She said, shrugging. "I haven't thought about it in awhile."

"Really?" He asked, clearing his throat.

"Well... I have been single for almost five years, if you remember correctly," She said, smiling at him.

"Right."

"And I really didn't see that changing," Haley hummed. "I just thought I'd always have Macey. And that felt like enough for me."

"What was your plan with Peter?" He asked her curiously, crossing his arms.

"We'd wait until Macey was a little older. Maybe once she started going to school," Haley said, sighing softly. "I wanted four, he wanted two. Three didn't feel right. So we decided to have two."

"Just four? I would've expected more from you, given your big family..."

"I also know the neglect that can come with a big family," She said, beginning to clear off the counter top.

"I guess that's true," Nathan agreed, glancing down at her hands as she cleaned the counter, standing up straighter.

"So what about you?" She asked him, looking over.

"Well, my original plan was to not settle down until I was to not settle down until I was older, and that didn't leave much room for kids," He said, kissing her head. "You know, to an eighteen year old that likes to party and play basketball, that was a good plan. But as you can see, that hasn't worked out."

"No, it hasn't."

"Katherine and I talked about it some, but never seriously. It was more of an 'oh our kids will,' or 'our next kid...' But there was never talk about when the next kid would happen," He said, clearing his throat. "I always figured if things ever slowed down for us then we'd have another one. But they never did, and well... Here we are now."

Haley turned to look at him, nodding. "What was your number?

"How ever many Katherine wanted," He said simply, shrugging. "Which I still don't know."

"Why?" She asked him curiously.

"Because it was her body that had to go through the trauma, so I felt like it was her choice to decide," He said, humming softly.

Haley smiled, kissing his cheek lightly. "I think that's sweet."

"The only worry I had was the roller coaster rule," He said, shrugging. "If you have an odd number of kids, who sits alone on a roller coaster?"

"Well, I'm guessing when it comes to you, you'll be the one to sit out," Haley said, grinning up at him.

Nathan frowned, shaking his head. "Who told you that?"

"Your mom," Haley said, pinching his cheek. "I think it's cute. Nathan Scott has a weakness."

"I just don't see the appeal," Nathan said, rolling his eyes and pushing her hand away. "Who wants to go on a fifty foot drop then spin upside down?"

She laughed, wrapping her arms around him and hugging him tightly, leaning her head against his chest, listening to the steady beat of his heart.

"It's okay, babe. I'll sit alone so you don't have to go on the roller coaster," She said, humming softly.

He laughed, kissing the top of her head. "Thanks, Hales. I love you."

"I love you too," She said, rubbing his back lightly before dropping her arms to her sides.

He smiled, tapping her nose lightly, grabbing onto her hand and leading her back into the bedroom.

After a minute, they both quickly got settled into Haley's bed.

Haley's head was rested on Nathan's chest, and he knew she was asleep because her hand that was fisting his t-shirt loosened up.

He sucked in a deep breath, trying to figure out a way to maneuver himself away from her without waking her up.

He squeezed her lightly, gently rolling her back towards her side of the bed. He was somehow able to slide his arm out from under her without waking her up.

But as soon as he stood up, he saw her reach over for him.

"Nathan?"

"I'm just going to get a drink of water," He said softly, watching as her hand relaxed again.

He tiptoed out of the room and down the hall.

Instead of stopping at the fridge though, he made his way down into her basement.

He headed into the storage room, grabbing a box that he'd seen before but never really thought too much about.

It was labeled; pictures.

He walked over and sat on the couch, setting the box on the ground in front of him and opening it up.

There were eight binders inside, labeled one through eight.

Of course Haley made scrapbooks in a digital age.

He picked up the binder with one on the label, opening it up.

The first page held a picture of Macey as a baby.

He grinned at the sight. She was red and crying, just as he'd expect her to be.

This was probably the very first picture of her ever taken.

She was cute. Not as cute as the current version of her, but still cute for a newborn baby.

He turned the page, finding a collection of pictures on the next two pages made available to him.

More pictures of Macey one one, and pictures of Haley holding Macey on the next.

She looked the same. Her hair was darker and cut shorter in that picture, but she was still Haley.

She even looked gorgeous after giving birth.

He flipped to the next page, staring down at the new pictures.

There was Macey with a man.

Peter.

Nathan wasn't sure he'd ever actually seen Peter before.

He looked normal. He had short, brown hair, brown eyes, and glasses. His nose was littered with freckles, which was probably where Macey got hers.

Nathan wasn't sure what he was expecting. Maybe some scrawny guy with ears too big for his head and an 'I'm better than you' look to him. But he was just a regular guy.

He glanced to the next page, pictures of the three of them.

It was weird to see this. Not bad, just weird.

But he continued on, a small on his face as he flipped through the book.

Haley documented well. He felt like he watched Macey grow throughout the first year of her life.

The last few pages were all about Macey's first birthday.

He saw familiar faces. Brooke, Julian, Quinn, Lydia, Jimmy, and more.

There were pictures of Macey eating cake, opening presents. Most of them were taken by Quinn. He could tell that based on the quality of the pictures.

Macey was so adorable. And Haley... She was stunning.

She'd been in plenty of pictures, but not as many as he would have liked. She'd mostly been behind the camera he guessed.

A picture on the last page caught his eye quickly.

It was just Haley and Peter, no Macey.

Haley had her legs across his lap, her head thrown back in laughter.

Peter was laughing as well, leaning towards her, almost as if he'd just whispered something to her.

It was a great picture of them, Nathan had to admit that.

"Breaking out the photo albums, I see?"

Nathan jumped, nearly dropping the binder. He looked up at her quickly.

Haley laughed, sitting next to him. "Don't look like a deer in headlights. It's fine."

"Sorry, I didn't think you'd wake up."

"I'm pretty sure I wake up at least twice a night looking for you on the nights you're not with me," She said, linking her arm through his, gripping his bicep and looking down at the pictures.

"You never told me that Peter was so hot," Nathan said, chuckling quietly.

"Oh, lord," Haley laughed, rolling her eyes.

"I've always been the hot boyfriend. I've never been a woman's second best looking guy."

"Knock it off," Haley said, kissing his cheek. "You've never seen him?"

"No," Nathan said, shrugging. "Well, Macey has that picture of him, but I've never really looked at it."

Haley nodded, letting out a deep breath. "Well... There he is."

"And Macey... Wow was she cute," Nathan said, pointing at a picture of Macey with frosting on her face.

"It all seems like yesterday," Haley said, smiling sadly. "She's so old."

"I can't believe you kept a scrapbook. Well, I do believe it, because it's you," He said, grinning at her.

"I can look back and relive it all," She said, shrugging slightly. "She's my baby."

He leaned over and kissed her head lightly, shutting the binder and setting it back into the box. "Let's go back to bed."

"We can stay," Haley said, shaking her head and grabbing the next binder, setting it in Nathan's lap.

Nathan smiled, flipping it open.

The front page must have been the day after Macey's first birthday. She was sitting on the floor, balloons still around her. A blue balloon sat in her lap, her slobbery one year old mouth sucking on it.

"She loved balloons," Haley laughed, rolling her eyes. "God, she was so small."

"Yeah she was," Nathan agreed, smiling.

"Look at those cheeks," Haley hummed, brushing her finger over a picture that appeared on a new page.

"Look at you two," Nathan said, pointing at a picture of Haley and Macey that was on the page. "You look the same."

"The only difference is I'm old now," Haley said, sighing softly.

"No," Nathan disagreed, shaking his head quickly. "Babe, you are the hottest woman I've ever seen."

She laughed, leaning her head against his should briefly. "Thanks, Nathan."

Nathan continued to flip through the pages, listening as she'd occasionally tell a story.

They finished year two, and moved straight to year three. It was weird how Nathan could visually see things change between Haley and Peter, even though they weren't the main focus.

In binder one, they were always laughing and grinning. But their smiles got smaller, and there were less pictures with both of them in it as they moved on.

"This is the year Peter passed," Haley said, holding up the binder and sighing softly.

"We don't have to look at it," Nathan said, frowning.

"No, go ahead," Haley said, handing it to him. "It's part of Macey's history."

Nathan opened up the first page. Rather than just a picture of Macey this time, it was a picture of Macey and Peter.

"I make them after her birthday, and... I just had to do this for him," Haley said, straightening out the page carefully.

"You miss him, huh?" Nathan said, looking at her.

"I miss how we used to be," Haley confirmed. "I miss having him around sometimes. I wish he could have seen her grow up. I still think we would have gotten divorced though."

Nathan nodded, kissing her forehead. "I wish he could have seen her grow up too. She's amazing. I feel lucky."

Haley smiled, resting her cheek on Nathan's shoulder.

Nathan turned through the pages slowly, pausing once he hit a funeral program, a frown on his face.

Haley reached out a brushed her hand over the page. "I was so unhappy, Nathan. I should have just toughed it out for twelve more hours though and told him in the morning. I don't know why I picked that night."

"Haley," Nathan said, shaking his head. "You can't think like that."

"We weren't even fighting. We were literally sitting in the kitchen. It was late at night. He was reading something on his laptop, and I was reading a book. And I'd been thinking about it for awhile. Most nights he slept in a different room than me, but that was usually because he'd fall asleep working. And every morning I'd wake up alone. But then one night, he actually came to bed and I woke up and I felt crowded in our bed. I had gotten used to sleeping alone and it felt weirder having him there than not having him there," Haley said, letting out a sigh. "If I had just waited and told him the next day. Or even an hour later than I did. Hell, ten minutes after I did."

Nathan listened closely as Haley's voice got quieter and quieter, glancing down at the funeral program again.

"Haley... Stop," Nathan said quickly, touch his forehead to hers. "You'll drive yourself crazy thinking like that."

"I just don't know why I picked that moment to tell him," Haley said, shrugging.

"Hey," Nathan said, shaking his head quickly. "Stop it."

"The rest of that night is all a blur to me. I remember getting the call about him, and..." Haley sighed, squeezing her hands into fists. "I don't know how I did it, but I called Brooke and Julian. Julian stayed at my house with Macey, and Brooke took me to go identify the body."

"Hales," Nathan glanced down at her shaky fists.

"My last words to him were spiteful. That's how he died, Nathan. Filled with hate. He died with the thought that his wife doesn't love him anymore."

"Stop," Nathan said calmly and assertively. "Haley. You need to stop blaming yourself for this. It is terrible that it happened. Truly awful. But you have to let it go. You've been carrying it around on your shoulders for far too long."

"I don't know how to do that, Nathan," Haley said softly, wrapping her arms around herself.

"Look, I didn't know him, and I'm not going to pretend I do. But I do know that if he cared about you at all, he wouldn't want you to feel like this," Nathan said simply, shaking his head. "So Haley James, I want you to do something for me."

"What?" She asked him, sighing softly.

"Take some deep breaths. Count to ten. And tell me that it's not your fault."

Haley closed her eyes, doing as he asked.

"It's not my fault," She said, blinking her eyes open and looking at him.

"Say it again," He said, nodding at her.

"It's not my fault."

"One more time."

"It's not my fault."

"Believe it, Haley," Nathan said, resting his hand on her knee.

Haley looked at him, nodding slightly. "It's not my fault," She said again, biting her lip.

"It's not," He said, squeezing her leg. "You weren't the one texting and driving that night. You didn't force him to leave. It's not your fault."

Haley looked up at him, "Nathan..." She glanced down at the binder, grabbing it from him and shutting it slowly. "Feels weird to say this when we're looking at pictures from Peter's funeral."

Nathan let out a laugh, nodding at her.

"I'm so in love with you," She said, grabbing his hand off her knee, holding it to her heart. "I love you so much."

"I love you too, Haley," He said, smiling at her. "I just wish you could love yourself the way I love you."

She nodded, letting out a deep breath. She grabbed his face and kissed him softly.

Nathan returned her kiss, before pulling away, resting his forehead against hers. "Did you ever talk to anyone after Peter passed?"

"What do you mean?" She asked, lifting her head off his.

"Like... A counselor or something."

"Yeah, for a little while I did," Haley confirmed, nodding.

"Did it help?" He asked, looking at her.

"It did. But like I said... You were the first person I ever told the complete truth about that night. I just bottled it up because I didn't want anyone to know. Not even my therapist."

"Well..." He raised his hand to tuck her hair behind her ear. "If you ever feel like you need to go back, I would support you. And that's not me hinting that you need it. I just know that it can be good to talk to someone."

She smiled, kissing him briefly. "You're something special, Nathan Scott."

He rolled his eyes and laughed, "I just do a little more than the bare minimum."

She shook her head, "If I'm going to start loving myself, you're going to have to start loving yourself."

"Deal," He said, glancing down at the binder. "Well?"

Haley slid it back over to him, flipping open the page to the funeral program again.

Nathan smiled, kissing her head and beginning to look through the pages again.

After awhile, they reached the last binder.

They began to look through it, Nathan listening closely as Haley told him stories from the past year.

He grinned when he flipped the page and saw a picture of his own son on it.

The kids were both holding ice cream cones, and they each had a spot of ice cream on their noses.

"That's so cute," Nathan grinned, brushing his thumb across the picture. "Man, I love those kids."

Haley smiled, resting her head on Nathan's shoulder. "Me too," She confirmed, letting out a deep breath.

More pictures of Nick slowly started to scatter across the pages, until they hit about a month before Macey's birthday, which was when they split up earlier in the year.

Then it went back to Macey.

Macey dribbling a basketball, Macey sleeping half on, half off the couch.

All the stuff they would have been around for.

Then her birthday.

Nathan was a little surprised to see Danielle and her son in some of the birthday photos, but he remembered that her and Haley had actually become friends. Still weird.

It looked like a small party. Clay and Quinn, Brooke and Julian. A couple other kids that Nathan recognized as some of the kids in Mrs. Baker's class the previous.

Probably weird going to a birthday party with your teacher.

Nathan smiled sadly, focusing in on a photo of Macey with her cake.

"She's so grown up," Haley said, sighing softly, glancing at the other binders in the box. "She's not my baby anymore."

"She's still your baby," Nathan laughed, kissing her cheek. "I wish I was there."

"You'll be in the next scrapbook," Haley assured, closing the book slowly.

Nathan leaned forward and set it back in the box, letting out a deep breath.

Haley rested her head back on his shoulder, "I'd like to do it again."

"What?" He asked, glancing down at her and laughing.

"You were asking me earlier if I want more kids, and my answer is yes," She said, biting her lip. "I'd like to do it all again, Nathan. With you. I know we're still pretty far from that, but that's where we're headed, I hope."

Nathan grinned, "Yeah?"

"I think so."

"Well, Haley. I'd like to do it all again with you as well."