I am sorry that this took so very long to get out. Suffice to say, my life was 2020'd and shit got unpleasantly wild. Hopefully, things will even out now. That or I'm just gonna lock myself away for 6 months and then I'll do plenty of writing. I want to thank my current readers for hanging in there and a certain new reader for giving my the swift kick in the ass I needed to stop dragging my feet on this chapter.

Song for this chapter is Wild Roses by Of Monsters and Men. I swear their whole "Fever Dream" album is perfection if you follow along with my song choices

Chapter 46

Trapped.

If she had misunderstood its definition before, Mara knew clearly how being truly trapped felt now. His eyes were a sepia cage that held her even more surely than his grip on her arms. He was so close she could taste him, could smell him. Her body, pressed against his back, burned from the heat of him… but god, if it wasn't a beautiful pain.

His intensity took her off guard and the heat in his eyes built of equal parts love, lust, and longing was terrifying in its beauty. Her eyes darted over his face in a panic akin to a cornered animal, but her arms only held him tighter, betraying her innermost feeling of just not wanting to let go.

He was hers. She could feel it. It echoed in her very bones. But-

Renji watched as Mara's face played across a range of emotion as she tried to process what he was asking- what to think, how to respond. She was so damn close that it hurt. Apparition or not, Renji had never wanted anything more than for those dark eyes to lock on his. He could see the reflection of his own feelings in her, but they seemed buried under layers of confusion and fear.

He could see the moment that her mind closed to him again though, feel it in the loosening of her grip. Fuck.

"No," Mara barely whispered, unable to meet his eyes.

"No?" he questioned back just as softly, "That's not an answer."

"No, no, no," Mara said as she scrambled to her feet, extricating her arms from his grip. She stepped away in a rush, as if distance could make her heart stop pounding out of her chest.

"Still not-"

"I don't need to answer that," Mara breathed out shakily, "I can't answer that."

"Can't or won't?" Renji asked, defeat in his voice, "God dammit, Mara, can you not even admit that you feel something? Anything?"

"It's not right."

"How could your answer be wrong?" Renji pressed, "It's what you feel."

"Morally right, smartass," Mara glared at him as he flopped back on the paving stones, "I am with-"

"Two other guys. I'm well fucking aware," Renji growled as he finished for her, "God forbid you mix in a third. That would be morally obscene."

"That's not it, Renji!" Mara snarled right back, head in her hands, "That is a balance that is built on trust and… and fucking being there! Not a constant battle of trying to win me over!"

"If you would admit how you felt- THAT you felt at all- then I wouldn't have to try constantly to win you over," Renji rebutted, rising to his feet to face her.

"Which just makes it feel false!" Mara tried to explain, hands waving as if trying to physically grasp the words, "It feels… fake and forced. And like I can't trust it or you."

"Then what am I supposed to do?" Renji practically yelled back, overwhelmed by confusion and frustration, "I give you space and that breaks your trust. I shower you with fucking affection and THAT breaks your trust. Where is the win? Huh?"

"I don't know," Mara said softly, voice thick as she realized the seemingly impossible position that she had put him in, "Just be you? Pretend I'm me?"

"Pretend?" Renji parroted back in doubt.

"Pretend I remember, just for a second, and talk to me like you would have before. No airs, no motives," Mara pled, "Just treat me like I'm… me."

"Do you have no idea how I feel about you?" Renji hissed at her, eyes narrowing at her confusion. "I would have swept you away already," he elaborated, "I would scare the shit out of you with the level of devotion you would feel. But if you actually remembered, then I wouldn't be met by that insulting sheen of fear in your eyes. You don't want me to pretend. It would ruin you."

With every sentence Renji stepped closer until he was looming over the petite woman. There was the fear. The worry. The unending torment of unrecognition. "What would it matter if I did pretend?" he asked her in defeat, "You wouldn't care anyways. Nothing makes you care at all."

"I never said I didn't care," Mara whispered, even though her eyes actually met his in boldness.

"Sure as hell seems like it," he grunted, unmoving even as she did nothing but face him back in silence. Was it defiance or guilt, he couldn't tell.

"So why are you trying so damn hard to hide it then?" Renji asked her, meeting her eyes with genuine curiosity, gentling his voice, "You bury it in layers of sarcasm and mistrust- but for what? Why?"

"To protect myself," Mara told him openly, if shortly, as realization dawned on her. "I think it's because you hurt me."

Renji raised a doubtful brow which only made Mara surer of the epiphany.

"You. Hurt. Me." She spelled out slowly.

Renji could feel himself reeling inside. How could she even know that? "You don't even remember!"

"Which makes it even worse!" Mara rebutted, "How bad did you have to hurt me for me to feel it without remembering why? How bad did it break my trust for me to not trust your very existence? It's soul deep!"

Renji could do nothing but stare at Mara in a gut-wrenching mixture of sadness and self-loathing. She didn't remember and yet she still felt it. He had built the wall around her heart and now he was being kept out by his own doing. He had made the wall, the fear, in her so strong that even she couldn't break out from the inside.

"It's so real I taste it," Mara rasped out in response to his silence. "I feel it even as much as I'm drawn to you. You're like a fiery planet. You keep me in your orbit and I'm just wondering how badly burned I'm going to be," she continued, "and its ripping me apart because I'm not yours anymore. I'm theirs… I'm mine! but- goddamn you!" Cutting herself off from her rambling, Mara finally looked down and pressed her knuckles to her mouth.

"You want to act so badly but it's like everything is holding you back, most of all yourself." Renji's eyes closed as his mind reeled. This was a feeling he knew well. She was lost to him, but he wasn't willing to let her go. He couldn't. Think like her, he instructed himself, No just means find another way.

"Exactly," she mumbled around her fist.

"Then stop," he ordered her, command rumbling in his voice, making her eyes shoot to him.

"What?"

"Then stop holding back!" he commanded again, "Pretend."

Mara's mouth hung open at his audacity, stunned into silence.

"You don't have to trust me, but try me. Test me," he challenged her, making her want to rise, "Push those fucking limits, Mar! It's what you were made for."

It was what she was made for. She knew it. He knew it. "I don't see you doing that," she replied sullenly.

"We both know I suck at jumping," he smiled down at her, trying to lighten the mood.

"Not my problem," Mara replied evenly, an edge to her voice and dangerous glint in her eye as she crossed her arms over her chest. "Why do I have to jump this time? Do I jump every time?" she asked, anger building, "Is that why it's so damn-

"Fuck it," Renji interjected, cutting off her words as he pulled her bodily the rest of the way to him and crashed his lips down on hers.

It wasn't gentle. It wasn't pretty. It wasn't a soft introduction to the love he held for her. It was EVERYTHING. It wasn't a melding of souls, it was a hostile takeover as Renji put all his feeling, all his waiting, into this one moment. For all he knew, this was his only chance. He had to make her feel SOMETHING.

He nibbled at her lower lip, delving his tongue into her mouth as he took advantage of her gasp. She reacted the same as he remembered- the whimper when he pulled her tighter, the way her eyes fluttered shut, and the track her hands made up his biceps before cupping his jaw as she finally began to kiss him back. His large hands circled her ribs and his thumbs reached to stroke the underside of her breasts making her gasp again. He only pulled her tighter.

Holy shit. It was all that Mara could think. The only thought that involved words as they were being rapidly drawn from her brain by the power in Renji's touch. He tasted warm- cinnamon and salt and fire. God, the heat. It radiated from him and engulfed her, lighting the wall she had built inside her mind like kindling and burning it to ash. She lifted herself up on her toes, winding her arms around his neck to bring him impossibly closer.

Renji swallowed her gasp as he caught her hips, lifting her up and driving her back against the brick pylon behind them. What he wouldn't give for her to remember that moment as whole when he had held her up against this same column. When she had loved him enough to not abandon him to his grief and had come to him in every hour of weakness. When she had begged for him and teased him to insanity.

But he remembered. He would bring her back. He had to.

Pressing his knee to the column between her legs, Renji lifted her petite frame, effortlessly setting her propped on his thigh so he could reach her easier, hold her closer. Hearing Mara's moan at the new sensations brought more memories flooding back to him. Her fingers tangled in his hair, gently pulling just like he liked, and he growled against her mouth before tracing her jaw with kisses.

"Holy shit," she murmured in between panting breaths, causing Renji to grin as his kisses turned to nips against the sensitive skin of her throat. "R- Renji," she gasped.

Immediately, he stilled. It was like a bucket of cold water had been thrown all over him.

Renji.

Not "Love". Definitely not "Ace." He was now just… Renji.

In a flash, Renji had lowered her to the ground, taking a couple steps backwards to give them distance. He ran his hand down his face as he looked at her now, eyes full of confusion and need, lips swollen… vulnerable. He was… shit, he didn't know what he was.

"I'm sorry," he said lowly, voice like gravel- rough and raw- even as he stepped back to her and cupped her face gently in his large hands. He turned her face up to him, willing himself to take the pain that would come with the confusion and fear displayed plainly in those fucking soul-searing eyes of hers. "I… Ippin, I'm sorry. I just-"

"Don't stop," she whispered. It was barely there. She wasn't even sure if he had heard her. She wasn't even sure what she was saying. She just knew that everything about him was engrained in her. Her mind may not remember but every other part of her did. He tasted like sweet heat, he slid against her like silken sheets, molding to her form. He felt like home.

It made no sense. God, she knew it made no fucking sense. She had Hisagi and Grimmjow and every reason in the known worlds to just fucking stop… but it was him. It was…

"Why?" he asked hoarsely, strong hands still keeping her locked in his face in an unbreakable hold. "You aren't…" he stuttered, the words burning like bile in his throat, "You aren't mine anymore."

Mara bit her bottom lip but couldn't tear away from his tortured gaze. How could she explain when she didn't know what she was even feeling? She just knew that he was a part of her, as indelible and irreversible as the mark in her skin. His mark.

"I have nightmares. A lot," she said softly, "So I sleep with them around me. Grimmjow and Shuuhei, I sleep with them both."

Renji swore under his breath, beginning to pull away. He couldn't listen to this. It would kill him. Before he could drop his hands from her face, however, her small hand covered his, keeping him in place. "You've always had nightmares, Ippin," he mumbled, before looking back in her eyes, "You never needed more than me."

He meant to pull away then, he really did, but her gaze caught him. Her tears drowned him. He couldn't move.

"It takes both of them," she said softly, "and even then, I am still scared to sleep. I'm not strong enough on my own. I'm barely strong enough with them."

Slowly, she moved her hands up his chest, making his breathing shaky and his hold on her tighter. Mara pursed her lips. This was so hard to say. It was so hard to show him how deep her weakness ran. She had gotten so used to hiding it. Her eyes dropped, following the path of her fingers as they traced the tattoos across his chest with feather-light touches.

"But you make me able to," she confessed, finally raising her eyes to his, catching the confusion in the pain. How she wished she could make those eyes burn again. "I think of you, because you feel like only home I know, and I can sleep."

Renji's harsh gaze lightened. She needed him. That's what she was saying, right? "But…" he began, unable to finish the question.

"I fall asleep between them," she whispered, a single tear finally spilling over and a hitch in her soft voice, "but it's your eyes I see when I finally close my own. Please… Please don't stop."

Somehow, before either knew what was happening, she was back in his arms. Wrapped in his familiar warmth. His kiss was tentative this time- a gentle re-exploration for each of them. Slowly, he eased his hands up her sides, kneading with his strong fingers as she teased his bottom lip with nibbles and a flick of her tongue. He repaid with a flick of her nipples through her thin undershirt, making them peak as she gasped wantonly.

Gently, he ran his teeth down the column of her neck, so lightly she could barely feel it and in direct dichotomy to his firm hold which had worked its way to her hips. He wove his thumbs inside the waist of her pants, gripping into the hollow of her hip and making her cry out as his tongue gently traced where his teeth had been.

He was going to kill her with his play, his hold, his torturous mouth. The burning in Mara started deep inside her and with each light brush of his lips and harsh dig of his hands, it blazed hotter until she was an inferno of need. She dragged her nails down his muscular back and pulled him closer, feeling his hips and the impressive bulge hiding there, press hard against her until she was backed into the column again.

Pulling her up on his leg again, Renji roughly slid her up his thick thigh, making her moan. Mara bent, taking a page from Renji's book as she kissed her way up from his shoulder, across his chest, nipping at his collarbone and earning a deep growl in return.

"Ippin," he rumbled, fingers on one hand fiddling with the ties on her shirt, while the other still held her hips in a punishing grip.

"Don't stop," she breathed. She practically begged. She would willingly beg.

With a feral growl, Renji captured her lips again at the same time as he scrambled with the ties of her juban until she was exposed to him. Skin to skin he held her. He finally fucking held her. The press of her cool skin was going to drive him mad. Her eyes were dark and hooded as she looked up him through her thick lashes.

Painfully slowly, Mara wound her hands around his neck and rolled her hips forward to grind against his. A low growl followed, so she repeated the move again, stuttering for breath as his fingers traced the waistband of her pants. The flames his touch stoked in her rose to nearly intolerable levels.

She needed him, craved him. He was an inferno that was burning her alive.

Renji couldn't help but taste her again. Dragging his lips from her mouth to her jaw and down her throat. Torturing her right back with a maddeningly slow pace he wound his fingers inside the thin material that blocked the rest of her from him only to find her sopping wet with need.

With a groan, he lowered his head to the crook of her neck, that same place he loved to mark, and bit at the same time his fingers found her clit in her wet folds.

She wanted him. Holy fuck. "Goddamn, Ippin," he exhaled in a ragged growl against her sensitive skin.

In a flash, his heat seemed to overwhelm her and her vision went white. Flashes of images went through her head, all holding that same growl. Starched sheets… "Goddamn, Ippin." Teasing fingers… "Goddamn, Ippin." Desperate breaths…

Mara could feel the whirlwind of power surround them, lifting her so that she clung to Renji in a desperate bid to not be carried away. Clenching her eyes shut, she was assaulted by pleasure and images of him, but her mind could only register one single word emerging from the chaos as it seemed to swirl around her and through her.

Ace.

.

.

.

"Oh no, you don't!" Mei gasped out as she managed to finally get the plunger down on the last sedative she had into Grimmjow's IV. Thank the Soul King that his eyes fluttered shut. She should have a few minutes to grab more sedative and to replace the torn bandage that had been holding his left wrist in place to the hospital bed before he was up again. They were going to overdose him. She just knew it.

Before she could take a step, however, Mei found herself falling, crushed to the floor by another massive surge of rietsu from Mara and Renji. Soon after Mara had fallen asleep, Mei watched in awe as Mara's rietsu had grown and ballooned out, filling the air with a stifling humidity before it had finally coalesced around both her and Renji. It seemed to bubble around the pair, keeping Renji's rietsu trapped in her own.

It had ebbed and waned until a sudden spike had sent Mei gasping from her chair. Mei had barely been able to lift herself from the weight of it and was greeted with the sight of… healing? Piece by piece, Mei had watched in awe through the glow as Renji's back had stitched back together, beginning with the tattoos.

As soon as Mei had been able to stand, as the rietsu sucked back into its condensed bubble, she had hit the call button for Kira. He had to see this. Then, Mei had turned to see Grimmjow's glowing eyes latched onto the "spirit bubble" with an animalistic ferocity.

As Mara's power had risen in the room, it had inadvertently caused a rise in the starving hollow residing there. It began with growls, rose to shaking the bed, and turned into full fledged psychotic breakdown as he attempted to escape the holds Mara had tied him into. Sedative after sedative was administered, but each one wore off faster than it's predecessor

And then all hell broke loose.

Grimmjow's watching and growling had turned into a hollowfied roar that had shaken the glass of the OR windows. He strained against his bonds, finally snapping the one closest to Mara with a feral snarl before straining to reach the bubble of energy.

Mei had panicked and kicked his bed away, sending it careening with a crash against the far wall, right before his extended claws had been able to penetrate whatever-the-hell was going on with Mara. The resulting cacophony of screeching metal and boneshaking hollow screams brought tears to Mei's eyes, but was nothing compared to the blood-spattered mess that Grimmjow was creating as he strained his already damaged body in an attempt to reach the large well of power that was so close.

Flesh ripped and tore even more as Mei had approached with the syringe of sedative and Grimmjow, searching for any bit of power to consume, had swiped at her. Even Mei knew that he had only missed because his other limbs were still tied down.

"What the hell is going on?" a groggy Hisagi had asked from his bed, before his eyes went wide at the sight, "Jaegerjaquez!"

For just a split second, Grimmjow's glowing eyes had turned as if in recognition and that was all that Mei needed. She shot forward in a flash step as fast as she could, jamming her syringe in the IV and bringing about a blessed, echoing silence.

"Mei," Hisagi said, voice strained, "What is happening?"

"I have no idea, Captain," Mei managed to gasp out as she picked herself up from the floor, clinging to the cabinets to keep from going down again. "She just… her rietsu just started pouring out, and Instructor Jaegerjaquez…. He started going insane. He won't stay down. He broke a restraint and tried to get to Mara-sama."

"The hollow is taking over," Hisagi mumbled, "He's not accustomed to being starved out anymore."

"What?" Mei called over the expanding roar of Mara's rietsu, worry reflected in her face, "What… shit… I mean, what do we do?"

"Get help," Hisagi ordered through gritted teeth as he bit back a groan as he rolled on his side. Grimmjow was already beginning to twitch, he noticed through narrowed eyes.

"I already pushed the button," Mei gasped out, giving up on standing under the pressure and resorting to crawling towards the door, "If I leave, the instructor-"

"I've got Jaegerjaquez," Hisagi told her with an unconvincing groan, "Get help. Now."

"But, Captain," Mei began before being cut off by Hisagi swearing under his breath.

Grimmjow's eyes were open again, darting around before locking onto the spirit bubble with the rapt attention of a starving predator. Which, Mei realized, he was. Her attention went back to Hisagi as he began mumbling again. No, not mumbling, chanting.

"You who is crowned with the name of Man, wearing a mask of blood and flesh, flying on ten thousand fluttering wings," Hisagi growled out against the pain, flicking his eyes to Mei and then the door to tell her to get moving, "With Thunder's carriage and an empty spinning wheel, break the Light into six pieces."

Grimmjow was moving again, lashing out with his free arm and pulling hard on the other. I can't let you do it, man, Hisagi thought at him, before yanking himself painfully into a sitting position, thrusting his hands up and out.

"Carve a twin lotus on a wall of pale blue flames and await the blazing fires to reach the distant heavens!" he roared out, "Bakoudo 61: Rikujokoro!"

Six pillars of light descended on the fuming espada just as Hisagi heard the distinct tearing of his bindings. Grimmjow howled again, like nails on a chalkboard and loud enough the Hisagi was surprised the 11th wasn't pounding into the room. But the beams were shaky, crackling light lightning instead of smooth like pillars. He wasn't strong enough in his weakened state to keep holding a fucking espada at bay.

Seconds ticked by like hours as Hisagi ignored the pain and the additional damage he was probably causing to himself. Koi was going to be pissed. Just as he was imagining all the creative ways Mara would think up to call him reckless, he heard the blessed sound of running steps approaching.

His vision was getting bleary, the image of Kira, Mei, and others swimming in front of his eyes. "You have to hold him," he managed to slur.

"We got it," Kira said shortly, beginning his own incantation simultaneously with some of the people he had bought in.

Hisagi held fast, black splotches appearing in his vision until more beams of light appeared over his rabid friend.

Mei watched the kido corp members lower their spells, pinning Grimmjow where he lay. Captain Unohana was on her way too to see what she could do within the law. As the last spells fell across Grimmjow, Mei turns to check on her captain. Just in time to see him pass out flat on his back across the bed.

.

.

.

He was falling backwards through clear blue skies. Hisagi blinked his eyes rapidly as he reached out, trying to regain his senses.

The sky wasn't completely clear. There were people up there. He could see them moving so quickly he almost struggled to keep up with their movements. He knew them.

He could hear the yells and clashing of swords. He could smell fire and blood. He could taste blood too. He could feel… pain.

He was bleeding from his stomach.

Desperate, clouded eyes searched the skyline for the sight he was sure awaited him. There he was, the hollow that used to be his captain. He couldn't help the pained gasp that came from him even before he hit the ground.

The gasp turned into a scream as he landed on his back. His back was bleeding, too.

Shit.