Eyes that see into Infinity

Chapter Forty-Six

Part Four

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The only thing I thought would change between us was the distance we shared. But some things changed and it changed drastically, in good ways and in bad. And some things stayed the exact same. I've known him a long time, having a perfect recollection of the years we've spent together. And from the years we've known each other, I can't tell you if I've been without him longer than I've been with him. What I can tell you is that I never let him go no matter how far away we seemed.

A lot had happened between now and then. So bare with me. It will all unravel eventually.


The Journey Home, Gedrosian Desert

More days had passed and the men who survived, wishing they hadn't, had stopped to rest another night before the land forsakes them like it did to the already departed. The sands folded them away. Another cruel mistress. They started a fire to keep themselves warm but would soon disappear like it was never there. The desert nights could be just as dangerous as the desert days. After this hellish journey, if they did make it, they'd spend the rest of their lives never pissing Alexander off again. The next time the King decided to chase his dreams, they'd just silence more their voiceless dreams and let him. It was far easier than death to comply.

Hephaistion woke up suddenly from another night terror. They continued to haunt him but he was getting better at handling them. Before they'd make him scream and cry and toss and turn until his body and covers were drenched in the sweat of it. Now, he could open his eyes no longer lathered by the tears and quakes of the night panic. It still took his breath from him but he was focused, more in control. He resumed back to his surroundings. He barely felt the freezing air on him, the heat of his body overruling it. Turning his head, he looked beside him expecting someone to have been there but that was wishful thinking. He felt warm and so did the spot, as if someone had been laying with him but it couldn't have been anyone. With eyes shining like a jewel wanting to be seen, Hephaistion sat up and looked around the whistling land. He sighed to himself, a disjointed one, perhaps because they weren't home yet and perhaps that's what his dreams have told him they were. He wiped away the sand that had caked his blankets, not like there was any other place for it to go. It felt like he was running his palm over a sharp rock. It hurt just being there. He poured little water over his hands from his own urn before spotting Cassander who was sitting with some of the other generals, peering at him. There chatter, though distant, was enough to disturb men already snoring. Hephaistion's problem would be falling back asleep and thought to move further away but he was far enough and it wouldn't have made any difference. It wasn't the men that woke him. Hephaistion, after stretching out the ache in his lower back, went back down ignoring the silent glares he could feel cutting away at him.

He hadn't slept in any position comfortable, not like the desert ground was a comfortable place to sleep anyway. He had slept flat on his back and a leg crossed over the other with a hand sitting behind his head and the other resting upon his slowly rising belly. His bad leg had been cramping up more, no doubt overworking it by chasing the king all over the place. Briefly he had smiled thinking of him and his vivid gold crown and how much he missed running fingers through the hair that felt like a serene stream of endless water. But the wound hadn't reopened and the stitching was still fine for now. At least he had done away with the fevers.

But then as if he had been choked by the thought of him, royal blue eyes grew tormented and agape. He remembered a young Alexander intrigued by the psyche and desires of man. What drove them? What drove men to do what they do? What drove men mad? He swallowed nothing but he still felt nothing go down. No one knew it, not even Alexander but he'd be lying if he had said he completely trusted the gods. He would never go out and say it but he didn't believe as hard as the other men. As hard as Alexander. He thought the gods corrupt and unfaithful for no other reason than for men to be drawn in. And because men, so easily intrigued and indolent, with no thought of their own, worshiped the Sky Father and the ones who sat beside him on Mount Olympus, forgetting what it was like to not believe in anything. Hephaistion didn't ever think possible that Alexander had always been a mad men, inherited by his parents and grandparents. He thought his madness occurred during his reign that hardened him to the point of no return. But possibly Hephaistion was finding himself in a mad world too.

He rested his eyes again. His dreams would trick him. They would be of him and Alexander enjoying themselves and things would seem normal until they weren't. The majority of his nightmares ended with the king abandoning him for better entertainment, for better lovers, for better everything. But what did it mean? Aristotle would tell him that the nightmares had nothing to do with Alexander and everything to do with himself and he'd be right. What is it that Hephaistion wants, he asked himself, but the answer never came and his thoughts were never stilled.

Hours went by and most of the men were sleeping now, even Cassander, for there wasn't any time to be cunning or watchful in the dry land when it drained man of anything life had to offer. Hephaistion got up, at peace knowing that he wasn't being watched by the snaky man, wrapped his body in his heavy cloak and went to check with the guards who were watching Alexander's small pitched tent which was further out.

Since the day he found out they were nowhere near home, Alexander had separated himself from the rest of the army searching for his serenity, his sanity being in a bad state of discontent. It had been days and everyone was certainly angry with him and Alexander was having a hard time facing them. And he was fragile. As fragile as the seeds of dandelion being pulled and forced apart by a simple breeze but instinct had attracted the general to the king. Bad dreams were useful for reasons such as this. They wake him up just on time.

Hephaistion paused for a second, his heart stopping with him when he didn't see any guards posted by the tent. He spun around and saw no one near. He quickly removed his sword and approached the tent with caution. He peeled away the tent flap with the tip of his weapon and discovered that the tent was empty and Alexander was missing again.

"Fuck!" The general cursed lowly looking out through the darkness to see where any of them could have gone. Foot prints weren't apparent enough, blown away in itself. That's when he saw a silhouette of one of the guards running back towards him from a far away rise.

Hephaistion met the frightened young man halfway and the guard had dropped to his knees, begging for Hephaistion to spare his life. Alexander was dead, was the first thought Hephaistion instantaneously focused on.

"Where have you gone?" Hephaistion voiced strongly as if his whole life depended on Alexander being alive.

They stayed quiet not to wake or alarm the others though the man was trying to catch his breath. "We went after him, but he was already too far. We couldn't reach him on foot. We came back for the horses." The guard explained. "Please, have mercy!"

But Hephaistion had no intention of killing them over it. It wouldn't have mattered if the whole army was assigned to watch over the king's tent, Alexander would have found a way to slip by them. He was just relieved the king was alive.

"How did he escape?" Hephaistion asked the wheezing man after lifting him back to his feet.

"He said he needed to go for a piss. Next thing you know he was gone from our sight. He disappeared behind the high grounds." The guard pointed West.

Hephaistion couldn't be mad. It was classic Alexander. He didn't know whether to laugh or roll his eyes. Alexander used to make that same excuse all the time to escape simple duties his parents had for him. He'd flee to Hephaistion's room because he'd rather be with him than be at a boring council meeting he had no say in. The elites fell for it every time. He was a very convincing child. Still to this day, everyone knows Alexander as having a very tiny bladder and Alexander being proud of it. It happened so many times the men just thought it had something to do with his godliness. Maybe the gods had small bladders. It was as outrageous as it sounded, Hephaistion being the only one knowing the true story.

Hephaistion nodded, assuring the weary man with a soft smile that meant to appear. "It will be okay."

They saw the other soldier approaching now with two horses but Hephaistion put a stop to it. "No, they need energy as much as we do."

"How will we get to him?" One asked.

"I will go. Find rest. You'll need it for the travels ahead. You did good."

"But it's deadly out there and dark. What if he can't be found?" The two men stood there with shaky eyes knowing the risks but Hephaistion hadn't adopted their concern.

"Don't worry, I'll bring him back. Get some sleep. Alexander is my responsibility now. If anyone asks, those were my orders." Hephaistion kindly said but still serious enough for them to listen and believe him.

The two men nodded and hurried back to the camp. Hephaistion took off in the direction Alexander headed.


When I arrived to my grandfather's house, the first thing I remember doing was walking up the front door, looking up at the massive house that looked the exact same a year ago and telling myself, "Just one year." My grandpa didn't even greet me or tell me that he was sorry about my dad. The first thing he said was "Took you long enough. You had your mother worried" with that wrinkled slumped thin scowl of his. Then I took a seat on the couch as they stood hovering over me, giving a speech about the rules and the curfews on top of my mom yelling at me for not answering her calls. She probably thought I was out binging again about my dad. I don't think she ever suspected that I was with Phai and I wanted it to stay that way. If she had found out about it, I think she would have found a worse way to bring misery into my life as if bringing me here wasn't enough torture. She was good at that kind of thing, excellent even. Here's the thing and it's been the same thing since day one, I had to protect Phai from people like her and though l may be a bad person, I am surrounded by even worse people and I won't let them hurt him. I refuse to be the reason they take him from me. I only want to be the reason he smiles every day the sun wakes him. But even that is far reaching.

I unpacked my things in a room I had not a single good memory in and I went from there. I just go. I don't know where, I don't know how, I don't even keep track of time. I just go. I did the same thing in my new home, if I can even really call it that, I used to do at my old home. I left it. I was always out, never really came around, barely showed my face and when I did I had nothing to share or offer. My mom would ask me what I was up to and I would tell her 'nothing' because nothing was right. Or I'd tell her that I was walking the dog and she'd think that wasn't all to it. She would frown at my lack of engagement and we'd begin another day of less engaging interaction.

I still had visions, none that made sense, no more sense than the ones I've had before but they were jam packed in my head. One after the other like flipping each page of a book non stop until you near the words "The End". It felt like whatever was in control of my unreasonable fate was trying to give away as much information out as possible for me to digest. Telling me to hurry up and figure it out. Then they began taking a seat on the back burner as if I ran out of story to tell when in truth, they didn't slow down, I was just adapting to them instead of trying to figure out the meaning of them. They were supposed to be there to guide me, to make sure I didn't make similar mistakes as the king. I thought I was good. I had Phai and we were in love. That was my goal since I was a thirteen year old boy who watched Phai nap in the boat on the pond everyday. I was supposed to make him mine before I died. Well, what now? He's mine. I'm still alive. So when am I supposed to wake up? When am I supposed to die?

For what seemed like my entire life away from him, I replied 'yes sir' and 'yes ma'am' and I did a lot of that just to get by. I don't know why I expected it but mom didn't change and lectured me some more about my time away, calling it 'depression'. Her dad didn't change either. He'd put in his two cents, calling it 'avoiding responsibility'. They were probably right on both accounts. I was clinically depressed and I didn't want any responsibility. I felt like I had already lived that way and I didn't want to live it again. Alexander had so much shit on his plate and I just didn't want it. I couldn't take it anymore. We were the same. We shared the same damn headaches, the heartaches and the Hell that came on top of it. I remember it all. But of course they would never understand it or try and living with them made me realize how bad my depression really was and my grandpa reminded me why I believe in a separate Hell for old bastards like him. No matter how long I tolerated him and respected him, he never came around to liking me and between my mother's griping voice and her dad's hateful condescension all I wanted to do was rip my hair out and drink. Every goddamn day. I wanted to drink knowing that was the one thing I should do without. But self control was important. Phai taught me that. And I didn't drink. I managed without it. Good for me. So I tried making the best of my time.

I hung out with Barsine. A lot. She wasn't expecting me so soon and imagine her surprise when I hit her up letting her know that I was only a couple miles from her. We hung out almost every day and it made my time there a hell of a lot better. She was going through a depression of her own which bonded us. She'd tell me about her parents divorce when she was just a young girl and how it was difficult for her emotionally to go back and forth between them. She generally stayed with her mom but they'd fight all the time and she'd run away all the time. Her life was almost identical to Cleitus's. They were both independent people with separated parents and with free spirits. The difference was, Cleitus was proud of his independence, never thinking about where his low-life drug head parents were, whereas Barsine couldn't wait for the day her parents decided to work things out, move back in together and claim her as their kid again. She felt abandoned. She was abandoned. And structure for her didn't exist. She could adapt to any situation on the spot. She wasn't rich or privileged. She had a gypsy, hippy way about her that I admired. She didn't need help from anyone and just lived her life the way she wanted to live and that included sleeping around with a lot of guys. I wish I had that. I wish I could be free. So we talked and I was there when she needed me and she was there when I needed her. And then one day she left for college to get her degree in Fine Arts. She was good at painting. It was her passion. Then our time together became minimal. I wish I had that too. A passion.

Once upon a time, Phai and I had conversations about never wanting to grow up, never wanting to grow old. We hated the nonsense and natural response to life about what it takes to be an adult. In our world that meant going to college and getting jobs because that's what responsible adults were supposed to do. In the ancient world, to die young was a good thing, though we dreamed and spoke about quite often of growing old together. But I guess it didn't matter what life we lived, we grew up eventually. Maybe I was purposely wasting my life away. It could have been helpful. It could have been a good distraction. A quick way to pass the time. But I didn't think I could make it. I didn't think I would make it. High school and middle school was hard enough with the visions that felt free to invade what brain capacity I was left with. I barely graduated from the low level stuff because I couldn't focus. Why would I put myself through that again? Why would I want to sit in a classroom that could fit fifty plus students and embarrass myself in the middle of a lecture or test with a foresight unseen by everyone but me? It doesn't seem plausible. It's the same reason I would no longer be able to drive anywhere by myself. It's the same reason I had to think twice before crossing a busy street. It was the reason I couldn't play a musical piece all the way to the end. It was the reason why I will never know what sleep is like. They came when they wanted and left when they wanted and it rendered me useless. How can you have a passion when it requires a dream? How can one be motivated when they can't finish what they've started? How can I love him completely when I have such little time left with him?

It was October now and I still hadn't decided what to do with my life and more time spent with them felt less like a family and more like three very unlikely roommates and I was the unlucky one. They would team up and ridicule me, calling me lazy and unmotivated when in all reality I didn't know how to put myself to use. How can I when I felt as useless as ever. I was mentally handicapped. Literally. But I don't think they realized they were hounding me as bad as they were. I don't want to think that my own mother really thought I deserved contempt. I didn't want to think that my grandfather wanted nothing to do with me. But it's difficult when it comes to people you're supposed to love and who are supposed to love you. And Phai is right. Hephaistion is always right. I trust people. Too much. I trust friends and family and lovers even after they've gone out of there way to hurt me. I trust that the world has my back. I trusted Roxanne when she apologized. I trusted my mom when she said that all she wants is what's best for me. I trusted Barsine when she said we were just friends. I trusted Tolem when he said that I deserve happiness. I trusted my father when he told me that he never wanted me. I trusted Cassy when he said that he never meant to hurt me. I trusted Phai when he said that there is not one soul, dead or alive, he could love more. I trusted myself when I said that I didn't deserve him. And for awhile there, I didn't deserve him and without him I became a disaster and I did everything in my power to not show how disastrous I became. They say what you end up becoming is what you were meant to be all along and I became good at not exposing myself to the claws that would rip me open if given the chance. It was like we swapped roles. Phai used to be standoffish and defensive and timid. Then one glorious day he became trusting and vocal and witty when he never was and I lost all of it. The king was supposed to be energetic, and curious and charismatic and brave and loud and free and proud and competitive and successful. I was never that way, all of it suppressed or taken from me, which made us a fundamental paradox. You'll understand my paranoia, you'll understand my narcissism, you'll understand my violence, you'll understand my explosions of insanity and every trait that will ever take possession of me. You'll understand all of it and most importantly why I should have stayed that way. You think it's a bad thing now but it will all make sense. But one thing I never was and will never be, was vengeful. I was innocent in the sense that I would never hurt anyone on purpose even though someone was always around a corner just waiting for the chance to hurt me...waiting for that chance to take him away from me.

I surprised Phai on his birthday, a special day for the both of us. He showed me his dorm room and gave me a tour of the college and he was so happy. I couldn't tell if it was because I came or because he was just living his best life. I've never seen him so happy before. A small part of me was worried that he was finally content without me around and a big part of me was just happy that he was happy. But I certainly felt like an outcast. Not from him, not from anyone. It was just me telling myself bad things all the time. After he showed me around, we left and went to visit his family who had cake and presents ready for him. We were joined later by the rest of the friends. It was always awesome to see him showered in love that wasn't from me. He deserved it. I never thought my friends would come around to liking him but they were his friends now. They cared about him. Even Phil and Crater, which was unusual. But I could tell. They weren't so uptight around him anymore and Phai had loosened up himself. It was like they were taking on the behavior of the companions in my dreams, knowing what I wanted and them executing my strategy of protection without me having to ask. They just knew and out of respect for me tried their very best to distract Phai from his own feelings of missing me. But I couldn't tell that he was sad underneath it all. Usually he's an easy read, eyes glossed in deceit. This time, I really thought he was happy. But it was that day I also found out that Darian lived next door and went to the same college as Phai. Phai forgot to tell me but it shouldn't have been a big deal. He apologized for it and he shouldn't have had too. It was his birthday. I shouldn't have let it bother me that some guy who I knew wanted to take Phai from me was living in my old home. I found out because I stepped outside to grab Phai's gift from the backseat of my car and there he was, practically dry humping me with a welcoming smile like he was happy to see me while also holding his own gift for Phai. I said nothing. Anytime we crossed paths, I said nothing or very little to him. He was up to no good, it was obvious and he was a big part of why I became a paranoid fuck. He had that perfect face, perfect smile, perfect behavior and it was fake. He was bad news. There was something sinister about him, worse than Cassy. That much I knew because I have visions on my side but I think Phai didn't want to believe that about him. I can't blame him though. Phai wanted people to like him for him, not for his looks. He really wanted this guy to be a friend because he's been tortured by that thought for quite some time, the cruel thought that any man he's ever had a connection with only wanted to fuck him but never really wanting to get to know him. But who was I to tell Phai who he could and couldn't hang out with. Who was I to tell Phai that the new guy next door who I had refused to get to know, was bad and just wanted to sleep with him. I was being paranoid. That's what everyone told me, so I decided to let it go, I decided to stop being so cynical. Maybe they were just really good friends. It didn't help that they had a lot in common and they were both terribly smart and attractive...But I wasn't wrong. Darian played on Phai's insecurities, pretending he was some good guy when he really wasn't. I just had a bad feeling that no one took seriously. But I had to let it go and it was Phai's birthday and I wanted to think about nothing and no one else. Aside from that prick, being there, being back, felt natural, like I never left. Everyone tried to encourage me to come around as often as I was able to. So I did. I did every chance I had. As a matter of fact, I came down for anything that got me out of Colorado. I had too many damn friends and too many damn birthdays to celebrate and it was worth it.

Then the night came and it was what he had been waiting for all day long, knowing my gift to him. After we were done celebrating, Phai's parents insisted that we stay the night which was probably a bad idea because...yea. It was the first time since I had left that we had sex. We played a new game. The quiet game. He couldn't make a sound as I did whatever I wanted to him. But he failed. When he had an appetite, I loved feeding him and it was a bad hunger and I wasn't done celebrating. He made a wish and blew out his candles and I fucked him harder than ever before.

The same year I came down for Halloween. Phai was really busy stressing over deadlines so his roommate who was nerdy and desperate for friends, convinced him to go to some wild house party thrown by some popular frat boys, you know, to take their mind off things, but of course Phai didn't want to go by himself and begged me so I went with him. Tolem would have went but he got stuck at the theaters with Thais. Apparently there was a slasher marathon showing. Leon and Callista were out doing their own thing. And the others, well, they were probably stealing candy from children. They were monsters, especially Cleitus and Cassy. Together they were a train-wreck. Mischievous and chaotic. Who knew. Phai picked out our couples costumes and we went as Sandy and Danny from Grease. I looked pretty damn good as Sandy, because I had the hair and the flair and Phai just looked good all the time, no matter what. When we got there, Phai looked ready to just turn back around and leave. He was still very fresh to the college partying scene that seemed to overthrow the entire learning experience. He was nervous the whole party because he wasn't the best socializer and so adorably awkward. And of course there was party music raping our eardrums and alcohol being swerved and blunts were being passed around and then there were chips. All they had was bags and bags and bags of chips. And one bowl of candy. When it came to food, I needed more than chips and tootsie rolls. Oh, and Darian just happened to be there, stealing glances at Phai and Phai of course not noticing it. He was apparently there with his girlfriend he always spoke about but I never saw her. Ever. I was standing by myself against the snack table now, munching on my own bag of Doritos just watching them. Phai went to get more punch and Darian decided he wanted more punch too. I watched them converse. I watched Darian flirt. I watched Phai laugh at whatever the fuck it was he was saying. And then I was handed a can of beer by some half naked girl. She told me I would need it to wash the chips down but I knew that was an invitation for me to follow her into the bathroom and take the rest of her clothes off. She lingered but I wasn't interested. I put the beer down, tempted to drink it, but not tempted enough. We didn't stay a minute longer when it was announced that the punch was spiked as a prank. Then a fight broke out between a cheating couple and we left immediately. I didn't drink anything but Phai did and he drank a lot. He was the most excited and joyful and crazy and funny and horny thing I had ever witnessed. That's when a lot of his sisters personality came out. I took him home and spent a better night in the shed behind our old neighborhood. He was trying to tell me a corny scary story but it turned into one of his darkest and deepest secrets instead due to being intoxicated for the first time in his life, by no fault of his own. He had confessed that he tried to commit suicide the morning he invited me to dinner when we were just beginning to talk. He was only fourteen years old. He said he invited me because he noticed that I was home alone all the time. He invited me because he knew what it felt like to feel alone even if he wasn't. He didn't say how, he just said that he did. Then he got sad, into his feelings, as one does when the liquor winds down. Of course his parents knew nothing about it, no one did, but he had told me that he thought of killing himself before someone else did. I asked him if anyone had tried to hurt him and he said no. Then he just turned on his side and went to sleep. The next day he had forgotten that he told me any of it and couldn't figure out why he had such a bad headache. I told him that he accidentally got drunk and he never went to a college party after that. We pretended the night didn't happen, we even laughed about it and he went back to repressing every traumatic event he's ever succumbed to. I took him back to his dorm and drove home.

For Thanksgiving, I stayed in Colorado. My mom had tricked me into staying by inviting Barsine over. Barsine said yes and I was stuck there. My grandpa was with his war buddies watching the football game in the living room while my mom and her work friends fake laughed and gossiped in the kitchen. Barsine and I left after dinner and went to a late night showing at the movies. She still had a wild and ambitious side of her so we were always up to no good together. But sometimes she was too ambitious and that night after the movie, she confessed, after smoking some weed and laughing out of her mind that she 'missed us' and I knew what she meant by that but I didn't say anything back. I didn't know what to say so I just kept whatever it was I felt to myself. For some weird reason, it bummed me out and I texted Phai that I missed him and was thankful to have him in my life. But why did her confession upset me?

On winter break, Phai came out to visit me and he had brought the friends down so we spent Christmas eve together. They loved the snow except for Cassy. He was pissed the whole time. But they were all there and Phai made it happen. He knew I missed everyone and though it was easier for me to go to them, this time they came to me. Even Callista came and we did what friends do for Christmas. Window shopped. Saw some holiday shows. Went ice skating. Went to the zoo at night to watch the light display, sipped on cider, made snow angels, exchanged gifts, then they went back home to celebrate Christmas with their families. I was invited to Phai's parents house but my mom wanted me home on Christmas day so I stayed and she had a large work gathering downtown. Even though I was used to Colorado, I wasn't used to the city. Everything was loud and chaotic. Then we got to the hall blessed with magical chandeliers and white marble flooring and tables dressed in white, red and green silk table cloths. It was far to formal for my taste but I had no choice. Mom never gave me a choice. I went in a tuxedo and though every man was wearing one, I felt out of place. It brought back bad memories of prom night. My mom first introduced me to her boss who was a very gentle and soft spoken man. Then she introduced me to plenty of girls she had approved of for me from her job and I felt like a figurine on display. Everyone was so talkative and I began to wonder how people always have something to say 24/7. I looked around the massive ball room at every face talking nonstop and I wondered if they spoke because they genuinely had something to talk about or because they were nervous wrecks like me and wanted to fill in the silence of generic speech. Then I got a call from Phai's dad and I had to take it. He never calls me. I went outside on the porch of the festive center and I answered. He first tells me that his family wished I had come down and then followed that with news about my dad. Euri, my dad's girlfriend or fuck girl, I was never sure, had told the police that she knew who shot my dad. It ended up being her husband who she had been cheating on with my dad for over a year. The news hit me hard but I didn't cry. All of my tears had already been dealt like a deck of cards. But it was good news, because now I knew. I thought there was never going to be a conviction and it was a weird Christmas gift. He tells me Merry Christmas and we hang up. I look to the starlit sky, not feeling so alone anymore, when I hear my dad's voice. He was so damn showy, he's probably singing up there with the angels. He tells me that I'm not meant to go home with him. He says that I'm meant to go home with Phai and Phai was worth suffering for.

Then the new year came and I turned 18 and I thought I was free to go. I was ready to go back to him and he was ready for me and then something happened that kept me there.


The Journey Home, Gedrosian Desert

Alexander had ventured off a mile out into the featureless desert seeking out the bodies they had no choice but to leave behind. He had gone on foot, again not thinking about his health. He checked to see if any were alive and to add on to his conscience, he hadn't found a single animal, man, woman or child still breathing in the graveyard he built for them. Another victory loss all do to his arrogance. It had to have been a bad dream but when he looked at his moving shadow that fell next to him, he realized how real everything really was. It didn't satisfy the greed for glory. His glory days had been over the minute he stepped foot in India. His entire life had been over the second his memories passed away betraying all of his past. He couldn't figure out who he was anymore.

He didn't know that Hephaistion was following close behind him. Even though angry with his king, Hephaistion still had this need to protect him. It was his civil duty. Alexander was weak, could barely walk, pick up a sword, let alone himself but he stayed a good space from him, intrigued by what he planned on doing. But perhaps it wasn't the best thing to allow the king to shift through his own destruction. The sight could cause any grown man to want to pry their eyes out.

Alexander had dropped next to the body of a boy. He wiped away the sand that stuck to the pale young face and just stared at him in pity and silence. He was about Alexander's age when Alexander was first able to pick up a sword with one hand constructed for an adult man. Lost in the night, he looked up to the moon that dropped heavily on the plains. He blinked dry tears as if the moon was his answer to everything. It was supposed to be but he couldn't remember why its light was so significant in the first place. It was beautiful, yes, beautiful indeed, but it never abandoned him. It always stayed.

Hephaistion watched him through the night curious and mute. Alexander, with a sudden change of momentum, lifted the boy and carried him to a distance from the others. He placed down the body and came up to another body more feet away. Blue eyes were steady as the king paced back and forth gathering as many bodies as he could find, bringing them all together. He'd fall exhausted but he got back up again to carry over more. Not even a god could bring all the dead men together in just one night but Alexander tried as if he wouldn't die of heatstroke in the next couple of hours. It was painful to watch and that's when Hephaistion stepped in, not wanting Alexander to harm himself more than he has already done.

"Alexander, enough." Hephaistion said as he quietly approached him.

"I need help." Alexander said, focused on the task at hand while simultaneously running out of breath. Alexander got this way. He would become infatuated with the need to make amends. "Help me, please. There are others further that way." He pointed, voice trembling in desperation.

"It would be impossible to dig that many graves. We must conserve the energy we have." Hephaistion replied reasonably. Usually he knew just what to do to soothe the king during moments like this but not this time. They no longer had that connection. Normally a simple touch or peaceful words would do the trick but he'd stop himself, withdrawing the part of him that still wanted and needed him. He was afraid if he did that, he'd erase more of them.

"I'll gather as many men as I can. I'll do it before sunrise." Alexander declared before continuing to distress himself.

Hephaistion not fond of his prideful conception watched him attempt to pick up another body and continued to watch on hopelessly. Ten tries and ten bodies in, Hephaistion stopped him again. One man couldn't carry that much sadness and as much as he wanted to help transport the bodies to the spot Alexander designed, it was impossible. They were both already in severe conditions. "The winds will pick back up. Alexander, you must stop."

"I'm fine." Alexander knocked the hand away that tried stopping him and Hephaistion backed away, succumbing to his space. "If you're not here to help me, then I want you gone."

"You have no right to decide what you are. I get to decide that. Don't tell me that you're fine. You're not." Hephaistion barked. "It doesn't have to be this way. All we have done is try to help you. All we wanted was for you to succeed and be great. And you were but still you want more. You can't have everything. Let it go!"

Alexander stopped, finally submitting, more towards the words than to the deed. It was another dream that would fail him. He had to just let it go. "It was an accident." He said falling to his knees, giving up just like he was instructed to do. "I didn't mean for them to die. I didn't mean to kill everyone."

"I know." Hephaistion said sympathetically, calming down, remembering Alexander's vulnerabilities and wishing his wounds would one day grow smaller. "How nice it would be to have forgotten everything instead. Then we could have gone back to the beginning when you weren't so grief stricken and vulnerable. I know you don't like the way it makes you feel."

Alexander looked at him, finally realizing that the man standing above him knew more about him than he will ever know in return. Hephaistion smiled with such purity Alexander thought for a second he had remembered being smiled at like that before. It was the only thing about the man he had forgotten that was becoming relevant. Hephaistion unlatched from his side a jug of water and unraveled a cloth of bread. "Everyone else has eaten. It's your turn. If you truly love these men, you will live for them. You won't run from what you've done and you will get us home safely." He extended the nourishment out to him.

With hesitancy Alexander took it, his hand shaking again but it soon stopped. Hephaistion watched him eat and drink like he had been craving it all along. He was happy about it. Relieved. "See, you are deserving of it, just like the rest of us."

"Why are you here?" The king asked and his voice was raspy and he could taste blood trickling down the back of his throat from his own refusal to drink anything for weeks when the moistureless land had called for it.

"To do my job." Hephaistion answered boldly. "And that means saving your sorry ass even when you don't think you deserve to be saved. Now let me take you back so that you can rest for the night. Sleep will be good for you. "

Alexander nodded, staring off into space but by his expression Hephaistion knew he wasn't thinking about that. Sleep wasn't something he craved, not after he had been sleeping through most of the campaign. In fact he never wanted to ever close his eyes again.

"Please." Hephaistion pleaded like he was drained from everything before but Alexander seemed so numb. The hard part had always been getting him to act in accordance to a command that wasn't his.

"I've had enough sleep in my days. It used to come so quickly for me. What about for you?" Alexander asked with a tone that was innocent but instinct.

"Quite the opposite." Hephaistion thought he'd contribute to his interest. "If I had fallen asleep and something bad happened to you, I wouldn't have forgiven myself. The body functions better without it at times but it's also the reason for my grey hairs. It's a necessary means to heal. The consciousness should part with us for a little while."

Alexander chuckled behind his sadness, masking any madness. "Are you angry with me?"

Caught off guard by that question, Hephaistion paused for a long moment. He cleared his throat nervously. "I can't trust myself to answer that."

"It matters to me."

Could Alexander's feelings for him be resurfacing? He thought to ask him why it mattered but then he thought it didn't matter anyway. "I almost killed you. I wanted to."

Alexander scoffed like it didn't matter, like nothing mattered. "You should have."

Hephaistion didn't have time to respond as they were interrupted by high-pitch yipping further out in the darkness. Hephaistion, always high on alert, pulled out his sword while scanning the areas the light of the moon touched and Alexander only sat there with his heart still cold and heavy.

"We have to go." Hephaistion said urgently seeing snouts and glowing eyes of hungry dogs peering right at them, stalking them as the darkness continued to spread.

"I'm going to stay."

Hephaistion frowned, not sure he heard correctly but knowing he heard perfectly and it wasn't the answer he was looking for. "You would rather die?"

"Yes."

Hephaistion stayed quiet for minutes processing the true meaning to the response. Alexander must have been truly out of his mind. "You're not staying out here. You will be eaten alive."

"I've sacrificed everyone for nothing. I tempted fate and still lost everything. I've lived a thousands times when I should have died once many times. I'm letting go. It's time."

It became true that Alexander wanted to die for a long time now. Perhaps, he was already dead. Leaving him behind in the jungle would have been easier knowing that. Hephaistion wouldn't have risked so much of himself. "Why do you have to make everything so fucking difficult for everyone who loves you? Why do you resist us? Dying here won't solve anything. You won't be forgiven dying like a coward." Hephaistion yelled, torn between emotions that tore him up. He already had to deal with this, not again. "You are coming with me." It was a command this time.

"Please." Alexander asked with a simplicity and a look that longed to die.

"I won't leave you out here to be eaten by jackals!" Hissed Hephaistion. "The answer is no! Come now!"

Alexander chuckled, then looked at him with deeply atoned eyes. "Everything will be okay."

Hephaistion trying to hold back tears built from anger and the bad bad feeling that he wouldn't be able to convince him this time, shook his head. "Maybe you're not hearing what I am telling you. You're coming with me and that's an order." He stomped up to Alexander and grabbed him, bringing him to his feet.

Alexander just smiled hoping Hephaistion would understand. "I want this. Please, give it to me. I don't want forgiveness. I just want to die."

"I would never allow that. Do not fucking ask that of me. Not after what I've been through. Don't you fucking dare ask that of me ever!"

Alexander moved in closer to Hephaistion, staring into him with that look he always gave when he wanted something, the look that manifests goodness and innocence and enchantment but was actually depressing and disturbing knowing the motive behind it. The king kissed him. It wasn't a soulful kiss or even a pleasant one. It was a small kiss that Hephaistion barely felt and should have meant nothing.

Hephaistion's anger died down, reading everything written on his lovers face. Alexander was being serious. It wouldn't be fair to keep Alexander alive after begging for death, a death he thought he deserved, so he released him after an intense moment between them. It wouldn't be fair to keep Alexander alive for himself. They were warriors before lovers and if this is what Alexander wanted, he'd give it to him. "Tell me and I will honor you that. Just be sure of it. Convince me and I'll let you die." Hephaistion wasn't even sure of what he was saying.

"Let me die." There it was, the smile, the words so melodic and definite.

It was easy. The words were powerful and though dreadful it betrayed nothing more between them and strangely Hephaistion was convinced. That was the scary part, knowing that this was the last of them. Maybe this was the only way for Alexander to truly be at peace. As much as that answer was killing him inside and as much as he wanted to fight them, he kept his word. "Goodbye, Alexander. May this be the last of your suffering."

"I'm sorry, Phai. I'm sorry for all the destruction I have caused."

Hephaistion could barely release a breath. He remembered the king telling him that before. In the exact way. Years ago. He also called him Phai which was unusual for the king who couldn't remember him. But Alexander wasn't all there, somewhere else like he's always been. And he was about to be in a better place.

The king blinked on tiredly and laid back down with the rest of the bodies closing his eyes at peace with his final resting place and Hephaistion had no choice but to let him go.


Things grew darker for me. It was the type of dark you just accept because there's nothing anyone can do about the sun being taken away from us, sucked into another wormhole of unpleasant things. And the moon? Well, there just wasn't enough of it. Phai was nowhere close.

"Bucephalus!" Alex called out. He was looking everywhere for her, all over the house, backyard and front yard, calling her name like a person who had just lost his kid. He'd go up and down the neighborhood. He'd go back and look in the same places he already tried, thinking she'd come back.

When Neo pulled up into the driveway, Alex had rushed out to him and asked him if he saw her and of course he told him no.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, I'm sure. I told you to always keep her on a damn leash."

"She was inside. I didn't let her out. She was just there." Alex was trying his best to remain calm but he was shaky and frazzled and couldn't help it. He was a ticking time bomb.

"I don't know what to tell you, kid." His grandpa said, getting out of the car with his cane and a small bag from a gas station. He shouldn't have been driving but Alex didn't find that strange. He was only worried about his missing dog. The old man just walked around Alex and went into the house.

Alex got into his car and drove around and by the time his mom got home, he was still out searching. It had been hours and then it turned into an all day thing. It was late when Alex came back, dragging his body looking defeated, looking like he had lost everything. She was the closest thing to Phai he had. The only thing keeping him sane.

Olympias had been trying and trying to call him after hearing about it but her son was the worst at picking up for anyone, Phai being the exception. At-least she never had to worry about his phone bill. She ran a worried hand over her nude colored lips as she set her phone back down. She didn't hear him come through the front door and then he entered the kitchen. She looked up at him as if she wasn't expecting him home. She didn't look like she had settled in at all. Her purse and keys had been just thrown on the table, and her work blazer hadn't been removed. She had looked like she just got home but that was almost four hours ago. She was staring at her son with overbearing concern before standing from her chair to go hug him. "I'm sorry about Bucephalus, honey. She'll come back."

"She didn't run away. I know she didn't. She never runs away." Alex's voice was strained and she knew he had been out calling her for hours.

"Are you sure you didn't accidentally leave her in the front yard? Or maybe she hopped the back fence?"

Alex was on the verge of a mental breakdown. He couldn't have lost her and if he did, he was a piece of shit dog owner and didn't deserve her. Maybe he had another vision and he was upstairs longer than he thought. But he would have known if he had one because they hurt really fucking bad and his head wasn't hurting, just from the stress of losing her. "I'm sure." But the only explanation would be that she had ran away.

"It's just a dog. You can get another one." His grandpa muttered from the other room as he flipped through channels looking for something like Family Feud or the Price is Right.

Alex looked hurt by that even more and Olympias cupped his cheeks to focus on her. "I'll help you look first thing tomorrow. Okay. I'll call off work and we'll find her but wait until morning and try to get some sleep. You look exhausted. We'll file a police report if she doesn't come back by tomorrow. We live in a good neighborhood and if anyone sees her, they'll let us know but you've been out all day, you need to relax." She kissed him on the cheek. "Are you hungry? I'll make you a plate. I made your favorite."

Alex shook his head. He didn't have the energy to even speak or eat and Olympias didn't have the energy to force him to. They were both exhausted from more than the events that took place. And it never helped that Alex was far more stubborn than his father. Phillip loved to argue, love to debate, loved to fight, loved to prove a point. But at-least she knew what it was her husband wanted from her. Alex, on the other hand, wielded a different tone of stubbornness, the worst kind. The passive kind. He kept to himself. Everything. No one knew what he wanted. No one knew what he felt. No one knew what he thought. His emotions were quite clear. It was the instability of those emotions that were questionable. And just as she predicted, after a few minutes of silence do to Alex not saying anything, she realized he was going to leave again. After all, Alex had nothing else to do. He had no other distractions, healthy ones, not that she knew of.

"I have to go." Alex didn't have patience to wait until morning. He left the house once again, leaving his mom with no choice but to allow it and he spent another couple of hours driving, asking random people and calling the nearest vets in-case someone had turned her in. But still nothing. When he felt he had lost her forever, he parked on the side of a desolate road and stayed in his car all night. He cracked the window and breathed and sat with his head lowered. The shittiest thing about his disease, he could never sleep the pain away. It was always with him. Instead of laying down and going to sleep allowing hours to pass by in seconds he'd have to suffer the hours dwelling about it.

It was a minute away from being twelve in the morning and he was about to give up. He had been fighting the urge to smoke and felt this was the perfect time, perfect opportunity and removed his dads old cigarettes from the glove box until his phone vibrated and it was loud, skipping along the dashboard. Phai was calling him. Alex just watched the phone ring and ring not sure why he wasn't picking up. He watched it until the name cleared from the screen. Phai would never leave voicemails because Alex always answered but this time he left one but he didn't open it or call him back and left the phone where it was. The last thing Phai needed to hear was how he lost the dog he got him for his birthday. The blonde lit up the lighter but never lit the cigarette. He realized he was purposely restraining himself. He knew it was bad for him and he knew he should call him back. He exhaled and a few minutes later, Alex called Phai, gaining the courage to do so.

"Hey, Alex."

Alex forgot to say anything back, like he had forgot who he dialed.

Phai was laying on his bed in his dorm. He had been reading, nothing for school just a personal read. His roommate wasn't there so he could talk without disturbing anyone. "Alex?"

"Hey." It was barely a sound.

"What's wrong?" Phai put the book down and perked up from his pillow. He wasted no time in asking. He was always patient with him. He worried about Alex and would never want him to feel like his emotions were a bad thing. It was getting to the point where Alex felt that wasn't important anymore. Soon the only part of him that would be left was his anger. And an emotionless Alex would be bad. Very bad.

"I did something bad." Alex sounded as if his whole world had deflated.

This time Phai was the quiet one. It went back to the whole Alex being unpredictable thing. The bad could have been anything. His first instinct was that he had hurt someone or himself and for a split second he felt wrong for thinking that.

"What did you do?" Asked Phai, expecting the worst.

"I lost her. I lost Bucephalus. I swear she was fine and then she wasn't there anymore. I know she didn't run away but she's gone. I lost her and I don't know where she is."

"Alex, first close your eyes and concentrate on your breathing."

Alex did. He counted and he concentrated. He should have known that's what Phai would ask from him. Sometimes he'd forget that he was in a panic at all.

"Okay, I'm better." He said unconvincingly. His voice was rough and jumbled like he was fighting himself to keep it together. He tried his best to explain what had happened.

"Is there any way she could have hopped the fence?" Phai asked.

"No. It's too high and there's no gate."

"What about through the garage?"

"The door was closed. I asked the neighbors and they didn't see her."

"We'll find her, Alex."

"She couldn't have gotten far. I searched everywhere she could have ran. I called every vet. I asked every neighbor. I would have found her by now."

"You trained her well enough to know she'll never run away which means someone took her. Where was your mom when this happened?"

"She was at work."

"And your grandfather?"

"He said he had to go to the store. He had already left before I noticed she was gone."

"He took her."

"He said he didn't see her. I asked him."

"Alex, he was complaining about the dog when you moved back in. He took her. Check his car, check for fur, her collar, anything. Find out what store he went to and go in that direction."

Phai was the logical one, rational, the one who carried common sense. I was highly intelligent, brilliant even, but my quick temper overshadowed it as if I wasn't allowed control of my intelligence. But if Phai hadn't called me, I would have never found her.

"I'll call you soon." Alex said.

"I'll be up." Replied Phai.

I drove to every 7-Eleven within a reasonable distance and still she was nowhere to be found. I asked around again and no one saw anything. It was when I was heading back home without her that I felt an indescribable annoyance. I was pissed, I think beyond limits. I was speeding, on my way to go murder my mom's dad until I saw a dog that looked like mine, hurt on the side of the road. I pulled off and hurried over and there she was. Bucephalus had been hit by a car. She was whining and couldn't move though she had been trying but she was in shock, I think trying to understand why. I was scared to pick her up because she was seriously injured but I was even more scared to wait so I carried her carefully to the car, in a blanket, made sure she was comfortable and rushed her to an emergency vet. They took her behind closed doors and I gave and filled out as much information as possible and then I waited for the assessment. I don't know how long I waited but the surgeon notified me that they would need to operate on her do to a spinal injury and to treat any secondary injuries that were cause for concern. They also told me that it could be a while and they'd give me a call in the morning to let me know if and when she can be discharged and more crap about appointments I would need to follow up on which made me think she will be okay. They asked me if I was okay to drive though I'm never okay to drive and I said yes and I left.


The Journey Home, Gedrosian Desert

Hephaistion stumbled back a bit, being in some numbness of disbelief. He didn't make a sound and didn't put up a fight. He looked down at his sleeping king for a beautiful moment before walking away with nothing else to say or anything else to do. The truth was, he was just as tired as the king. At least Alexander would no longer suffer under the weight of being king and he could waste away with the rest of the fallen. And Zeus would be welcoming a new angel. Hephaistion couldn't just die like that. He had nothing and no one waiting for him on the other side. Then again, he had nothing and no one waiting for him here.

He had promised. He had sworn. I won't leave you like that again. He remembered making that promise. A part of him was relieved for the king and another part was killing him inside, causing him to fall to his knees until he emptied his stomach of nothing but his own disgust for not trying harder. The weeping, the thought of being the kings murderer kept him down. He was telling himself over and over and over again until it got through to him that Alexander wasn't worth it after all, that he never was. But it didn't get through to him, not the way he meant for it and he began choking up as if Olympias's serpents were strangling his insides. He remembered what the snakes looked like perfectly because Alexander had them around. Lightheaded, he wasn't sure if he'd make it back, dying along with his king, like it was meant to be. He began feeling the same sickness he felt when he pulled Alexander from the water. When he pulled Alexander from the broken ice. When he pulled him from it all. He sobbed feeling like the worst man for leaving him in their darkest hour. The choice was harder than the act. He told Alexander he'd always be there for him. That he'd carry him and lift him up when he needed it the most. His breakdown was long, overthrown by difficult emotions that couldn't be processed one way or another. When he was done with the tears, he got back up, because he always got back up and made it back to the camp. All the men were asleep still which he was thankful for and when he went to lay back down in his uncomfortable spot, he looked up to the sky, addicted by the stars and moon, with tensely sad eyes that refused to shut, for Alexander would surely haunt his broken heart if he did find sleep during a night he should have found nothing but disquieting agony. A bird he couldn't recognize in the dark had flew above the moon and he had thought it had been Alexander's soul taking flight and suddenly he was feeling undertaken by sleep after fighting so hard against. But Morpheus had brought him only one kind of dream. A dream you never want to wake from.


When Alex pulled up to the house, he sat there hugging the steering wheel, processing the emotions the same way Phai had always taught him. He'd say "only breathe to let go", so he did. Bucephalus will be okay. It was 3 AM. Alex had missed many calls from his mom again but she stopped calling which meant that she had worried herself to sleep. The blonde exhaled quietly and opened mystic eyes. He left the car, entered the house and turned on the lights to the kitchen but he wasn't expecting to see his grandpa sitting at the table. He may have purposely been there as a patronizing gesture. It was too precise of a moment not to be.

"Did you find her?" He asked, clearing his throat of phlegm before sipping from his cup of decaf coffee and flipping to another page of the newspaper.

Alex, furious, glared and said deeply, "Don't you ever fucking touch my dog again." He was hoping that would be his final words to the man who remained apathetic. But their family tree was lined with prideful souls.

"Or what?"

"She could have died. Because of you she got hit by a car and 6000 dollars later she still may not live. So I'm going to be down a dog and the money I needed to get the fuck away from you."

"Whatever it is you want to do, you don't have it in you." The old man said when Alex grew silent. "I remember your old man making a similar threat to me. Of-course he didn't have the balls."

Alex was squeezing Bucephalus's blanket that was completely covered in her blood. "My dad was a better man than you."

"Oh yea?"

"In every way."

"Your mother would call me crying because of what your father would do to her. He abused her every day he could. Only a cowardly man would put his hands on a woman and child."

"We both had it coming." Alex replied darkly, coming around the table, the light above them making his eyes burn like fire. "I remember times when mom wasn't home and you'd put your hands on me. I was also just a child and I never told her. So tell me again what kind of man my dad was? After all, my dad would never abandon a dog on the side of the road and leave it for dead. I could tell her what you've done."

"She would never believe you."

It was true, she always felt Alex made up stories or was concerned with things that shouldn't have mattered so much.

"It's funny that you believe your daughter is such an angel. She's not far from evil herself, you know." Alex said, meaning it. He's felt her evil. He's lived inside of her. He inherited a bad amount of it. "My dad tried to be good. She doesn't even try. Nor do you."

The old man chuckled. "Where did you get those scars then, huh?"

Alex knew what scars he spoke of. Phai had been the only other person to ask. And even that story was hard to tell. Who would believe it? "My body came with these scars. Sometimes they just appear. No one has caused them."

Neolemus shook his head, judgment gleaming in his old eyes. "My daughter brags about how smart you are but you're not. You have no damn future. You'd rather write about a bunch of perverted stuff. You're only 18 years old and already fucked up."

Alex frowned, not sure what he meant by that.

"Yea, I know about you and the voices in your head. I picked this up while you were gone. You know how I feel about this sort of stuff in my house."

Alex was fired up instantly. "Give it to me." His heart crumbled. This time he remembered exactly where he hid it and his entire room would have had to be turned upside down in order to find it. He didn't leave it out. He never did.

"Does your mother know about this?"

"I said give it to me!" The blonde sounded far more dangerous than he looked. He had a thing about him, where his emotions and expressions weren't what they seemed. They had a hard time blending or making sense.

His grandpa flung it to him, taking the warning seriously, but still seeming careless about his grandson's emotional state. Some pages had been ripped out, probably the worst of them, but Alex was already planning that himself. "I want you out of my house. Half the shit you wrote will put your little ass in prison. I want your shit packed and I want you gone. I don't care what you tell your mom. Tell her you ran away or come up with something but I want you out of this house and I never want to see you or your dog again."

Alex didn't say anything. He just stood there. He knew his grandpa couldn't stand him but he didn't know that they were this disconnected.

"Did you hear me?" The old man growled while slamming the table with a fist. "Get out!"

Alex's demeanor changed from that of a lost boy to knowing exactly what he was doing. "I'd be happy to, but mom would never allow it. She loves me too much."

He scowled at Alex calling him another insulting name. "You're an arrogant fucking boy! I said get out!"

Alex blinked not confirming or denying. Possibly just accepting it. He was starting to accept people's opinions of him. "I'm not trying to be. I'm just telling you that she would never allow it. I'm the love of her life."

"You think about your mother that way?"

"No, sir. She thinks about me that way." Alexander grinned, his turn to shine, knowing it would piss him off. "One time she found her way to my room and removed her robe as if she was going to bed with dad. She was sleep walking though. She always does. I never told her but she tried to sleep with me. Sleepwalkers are possessed by their desires, did you know that?"

The man stood and barked at his grandson to leave. But Alexander wasn't going to give up that easy and that was the bad part about sharing such an ancient soul. Alex had no control. His emotions had failed him yet again and some day Alexander would take over completely.

"My dad wasn't a coward. He was brave to have held back. I remember that story very well actually. It was on their wedding night and you insulted him by telling him as you were drunk that he didn't deserve your daughter. You're lucky. I've been knocked around by my dad plenty and he held back every time but I remember how bad him holding back hurt still. But he loved your daughter enough not to rip your fucking head off in front of her. I wouldn't dare attack you because you're just a pathetic old man on his way to the afterlife. I will instead be generous and give you more time on this planet because an attack from me, you will never out live. You should stop comparing me to him. I'm worse."

It was that remark that triggered the older man to lunge from his chair, flipping it over as he charged toward Alex to slap the boy. Alex barely felt the hand land on him. It only brought him back to the days Philip used to beat his ass and the times Alex would laugh, hit after hit, instead of cry.

Hephaistion's purpose in my life was distinguished. Night would come and out of a billion stars I could pluck from the sky, it was his light that looked back, and if I could, I'd take them all away until he was the only star left. He gives me light. It was the only light that could blind the dark I'm always lost in. But he had another purpose, a more objective one. This time, I don't know what happened. Everything happened so fast. And I didn't have the light with me or his words to guide me. I should have called him. I could have avoided this mess.

His grandpa dropped to the floor, holding his chest, straining to breathe. He was drenched in sweat as if he's always been a sweaty man. Alex was mid-way into asking him if he was okay but he knew that he wasn't. He was in denial the same way he was when he heard the news about his dad. The old man hadn't been breathing for almost a minute now and Alex just stared at his dead grandfather.

He didn't time how long he was unable to do anything but it must have been a short while because his mom hurried down the stairs happy to hear his voice but grouchy that her sleep was interrupted with all the yelling and thumping until she looked broken seeing her dad on the floor like that. She rushed over to him.

"Alex, call the police. Quickly, call them!" She looked up at her son who clearly hadn't heard her. "Alex!" She yelled through grit and tears. "Call the police!"

Alex, finally out of whatever it was he was stuck in, pulled his phone from his pocket and called. It might as well not have been an emergency because he was very calm when he spoke, even though internally he wasn't. Inside, he was shaking like he was cold. Inside his ears and head felt clogged and foggy. Outside, he was as collected as a man who didn't just witness the death of his grandfather. He was thinking he may have been the cause of it. He was thinking he may have been the cause of his father's death also. He was thinking he had the worst luck in the world.

I had a bad habit of blaming myself for everything and everyone else had a habit of letting me. I was conditioned to hate myself from the beginning. I was born the enemy of my enemies and the enemy of myself. If that's what they want from me then fine, they'll have the worst Alexander I can possibly give them.

Phai and I had very opposite problems. I didn't understand how to love and he didn't know how to receive it. Subconsciously, I craved love. Some therapist in the future will tell me based on my story alone that I never had it. Not the way I was supposed to have it.

I remember after hanging up with them, just staring at my mom, trying to process her emotions that I never knew she had, maybe to distract from my own. I've seen her emotional, I've seen her genuinely sad, but not like this. Could I sympathize with a villain? I didn't know what to do so I just stood in the same spot staring at her hugging his limp body until the police arrived. Some sick part of me felt he didn't deserve a hug from her and another part of me felt that she didn't deserve to feel what it's like to lose someone because of the way she shrugged off my dad's death. In my eyes her emotions weren't allowed considering how she doesn't allow me mine.

When the police arrived, everything was still as slow as it took for me to realize my grandpa was dead. I was disoriented. Time moved as if it was trying to break me more. Hanging around so that I had more time to figure out my guilt. Taunting me because that's what I deserve, I guess. They finally took him away and they questioned me because I was the witness. I told them everything. Again, I was just unlucky to have been there. They asked me more personal questions, like how close I was to him. I told them that I wasn't close to him at all. Mom interfered and had to explain to them through tears that I recently lost my father and that I didn't have the best relationship with either of them but that I would never hurt a fly. She hugged me as if she was protecting me from their accusations. God forbid they take another man away from her. God forbid, they take me. I don't know where it came from but they had asked me if I was an angry person. Usually when people are angry, they're only angry about one thing and that triggers them to be angry at things they're really not angry at, like smaller, less important things. I never really found the source of my anger but I wasn't an angry person. I was angry at some things. But overall, I wasn't. I just shook my head but they weren't done with me, not convinced. They had some other investigators question me though it was clear he died from a heart attack. Maybe the decaf coffee was just regular coffee and that triggered his heart to burst but of course they didn't look into that. There was just something about me they didn't trust. Maybe I was too calm. Not sympathetic enough. I thought I cared. I guess I didn't. Or maybe I was still in shock. They told my mom that my reaction to it all fell under the more unnerving spectrum than the natural one, like a serial killer's lack of empathy. They took my mom aside and she was telling them things out of ear shot. Probably about how I refused to go to therapy, how I needed it badly because my father was abusive and I was raised by an unloving dad and that I'm behaving this way because of all the major changes that had happened to me in the last year or two and that I have no future if I keep going down this road. And that I refuse to talk to her and open up. But these were all guesses. Really, I was telling myself this. I never found out what she said and they ended up giving her a card of some therapist we should go see for both of our traumas. Like family therapy or something.

Later she leaves with the police and I stay home, sitting at the table, as senseless as I'll ever be. They had no idea about the other guy. The actual monster.


The Journey Home, Gedrosian Desert

Hephaistion opened eyes that were dull and colorless. He didn't deserve the smile that welcomed him or the touch as the king began caressing his wavy hair. He was next to him, the way it should have always been.

"It's growing longer. Just the way you like it." The king whispers gently, twirling the hair of his lover around his coarse finger.

"I thought..." Hephaistion was in shock. "Don't you hate me?"

"How could I hate you?" The lovely king looks through him, deeply and intensely like he had imagined this moment for years.

"For leaving you. I swore I would never leave you again."

"You haven't left me, Phai." Alexander is certain.

"I did leave you. I left you back in the desert to die. It's what you wanted. You told me to."

Alexander smiles again wiping away the dreaded tears. "Such a petty dilemma. Have you forgotten who I am?"

"You have forgotten who I am. I haven't forgotten you." Hephaistion sniffed back tears. "You don't remember me. You forgot about me!" He reminded him.

"How could I forget you, my love?" Alexander shook his head with the same understanding smile. "I told you that I will come back for you. I thought you trusted me."

"I don't know what you want from me. Tell me what it is that you want me to do!"

"Sometimes we don't always get the answer we want. Sometimes we have to go a step further and just know what it is that we need."

"You told me you needed to die!" Hephaistion started to cry again. "I gave you what you wanted! Let me go now. Please, let me mourn for you but stop coming back to me. Leave me alone so that I can move on. You never let me move on."

"Do you hate that about me, that I can never let you go?"

"Go away!" Hephaistion exclaimed.

Alexander trailed the goosebumps of his shivering lover with a touch that could paralyze a man. "If that's what you want, I will grant you that. Just be sure of it. Convince me and I'll let you go."

Hephaistion blinked in confusion. "What?"

"I ask, Love, do you wish to be free from me?"

The general felt the freezing hand land upon his now apprehensive heart. "You said you'd come back for me but you stopped. You always stop."

"You ran when you should have never been able to walk again and you found me when I was lost in the world. So bring me back. I know you can."

"It's too late. I left you for dead. I left you alone. I'm sorry!" He cried as Alexander held him in his chest.

The king quieted the weeping man by kissing him on the forehead. "This isn't what kills me. These vicious climates, these jackals, the gods, they can't kill me." He pulled his crying lover back and looked into transparent eyes. "Do you remember what can?"

Hephaistion slowly nodded. "A broken heart." He said as if he had forgotten.

"I refuse to die any other way. I'm only wounded and wounds can be repaired. When I die, it will be for you. Have you forgotten what you mean to me?"

Hephaistion blinked softly. "I haven't. I love you more than anything in the world. But I can't let you rule these men."

"Spoken like a true leader." The king brightened, proud of him. "I knew you had it in you."

"I am no leader."

"You lead me."

"You lead only yourself."

"I can't, not without you. Can I tell you something that I've never told you before. I was pressured to become king. I never wanted it, I never wanted to prove to my dad that I was better than him. I never wanted to appeal to my mother's ambitions. I became king for you. I became king so that I could be responsible for our fate and no one else. The night I was exiled with my mother, I heard talk from the royal court. They wanted to take you away because they knew how precious you were to me. They wanted to sell you to a famous brothel in Athens. They wanted to strip you of your human rights and make money for favors by prostituting your youth. They said if I wanted you back, I had to behave and if I didn't I would have to pay for you with a considerable amount of money and I would have to earn it. I had to fight for you. So I did, the only way I knew how. I became the one thing that I knew would destroy me. I became king so that I could make sure that no one humiliates you ever again. I became what I did because you deserved your freedom, your virtue, your grace and your self respect. I value you, Hephaistion. I value everything you have taught me and what you've given me. I value you in every way. I may have lost myself, but I haven't lost you. I lost myself so that I didn't have to lose you. I once told you that the only way for me to be at peace is if you are." Alexander, with slippery eyes, takes Hephaistion's hands in his and holds on to them tightly. "What do you want, Hephaistion? Tell me. Tell me what it is and I will give it to you."

The sad man stunned by the confession, struck by the vibration of his king in tears knew suddenly what he wanted. He didn't want to be alone anymore. "I want you." He said. It was as simple as that. "I just want you."

Alexander leans in and tells him with as much love as he can give him, "So I encourage you, go back for me. Unbury me from the land and hug me as tight as you can. I will wake up. For you, I always do. You'll see."

Hephaistion's tears melted away, the desert vaporizing them along with the vision of his king. He got up and ran.

X

Alex opened the journal to a random page. He had to understand what the fuss was truly about.

I shouldn't have opened it. I shouldn't have opened the fucking thing. If I was smart, I would have burned it all with the rest of me. I mean, that's what I wanted. To burn. It released a whole lot of bad. The monster himself sat across from me and smiled. He reminds me again who I am. He is terrorizing. A true evil. But he assures me that he is a true friend, the only friend I have. And like the fucking idiot that I am, I start to believe him. He tells me that Phai could never love such a monster. He says that if Phai ever sees me for who I am, he will never love me again.

X

There were six of them feeding on the bodies and they were quick to surround him, protecting their meal. They showed him angry fangs that dripped blood, flesh and slobber and he showed fangs back before he bravely charged one, causing them to scatter as the spear flew right into the mouth and out the skull. He was less frightened fighting the instinctively vicious creatures than he was when he slaughtered the last of the men who took his king. After that, he feared nothing, men being far more sinister than any beast. But this time there was no spirit guide, no lion to help fight back. That lion had given up. He had been buried beneath the desert sand. Hephaistion was on his own.

X

The king reaches over and takes the journal from my hand and opens it to a page. A specific page. A page I shouldn't have seen. A page I don't remember. He scoots it back to me and he means to be demonizing.

X

Hephaistion ripped away his spear from the ribs of the very last jackal as the last three cowered away. He tossed the bloody weapon aside, ran to the spot he had abandoned him and dug up his king from the land that fought back. It clung to him for dear life as if Alexander was its king too. But Hephaistion thought about a warm bed for them and future walks into beautiful sunsets and the time Alexander, as a young boy, told him that he wouldn't have him any other way. The world couldn't take him again and when he finally pulled him out from the sinking sand he hugged the unresponsive body tight begging him and shaking him to "Wake up!" he began frantically yelling. "You said you'd wake up!" He hugged him tighter. "You promised. Wake up, Alexander!"

He hugged him tighter than he ever had.

X

"Read." Alexander says, with a voice that enjoys the dark.

"Why?" I get chills.

"I know you're scared like a man who has been wounded all his life but you have to look inside of yourself. It's time to stop pretending. It's what drove us mad in the first place. But look on the bright side, Alex, after this, it's just you and me. It's safer for us. Safer for him."

I read what he wants me to read knowing how unsafe it was to look within and everything goes downhill from here.

"How does it feel?" The king then asks.

"It feels..."

X

Hephaistion felt the king hug him back and if he had the energy or power in his body he would have screamed for joy towards the sky. He would have let it all out.

It felt good.

It felt good not to say goodbye.

X

I didn't finish my conversation with the king, knowing better not to engage with the worst part of me. Instead I decide to listen to the voicemail that Phai had sent me when the clock hit midnight, thinking it would cheer me up. But it didn't. It made me feel even more destroyed inside. It was him wishing me a Happy Birthday. He sang it to me with a really terrible singing voice and he was laughing all the way through it and it ruined me, as everything wrong and everything wrong to come came flooding in. How could I forget my own Birthday.

A year ago today, my dad died.

Phai may ditch me for Darian.

Bucephalus may die under the operating table.

My may never look at me the same way again.

My grandpa is dead.

It's almost five in the morning and today is my birthday.

I get up from my chair. I go straight for the alcohol cabinet and punch out the glass. I pull every bottle out and drink what I could until the lights went out. Until I was drugged to delight.

Sometimes at night when I lay down not to sleep but to think about nothing, I reach out to him, thinking he'd take my hand. I turn and see that I have imagined him yet again as I'm wasted off my ass. He was my security blanket that everyone I'm supposed to love in my life and who are supposed to love me back was telling me to just throw away. Get rid of it. I didn't need it anymore and I needed to be a man and sweep away my childhood fantasies and move on. But I could never toss him away. He wasn't just a fantasy to me. He was real. I reach for my phone that had accidentally fallen to the floor but I'm too drunk to call him now and I'm left here fading. I have no choice but to let go.

I just let go.


-Love, Stranger