AUTHORS NOTE: Many apologies once again for the delay in posting. (Real life is being a demanding bitch at the moment!) In this chapter we find out a little bit more about Cary and his wretched childhood. I would like to point out that this is all purely out of my imagination as Sylvia Day never actually went into any great detail about what had happened to Cary to make him the way he was. She just made a few vague remarks and odd comments and from those I have come up with a back story which I've made deliberately not too far removed from what happened to Gideon and I've also made Cary's life the reality of how in this story, Christian originally believed he came into the world.

CHAPTER 40

(CARY)

It takes a lot to render me speechless but the quiet petite unassuming lady sitting in front of me has managed to do just that with just a few simple words.

I watch as she stares up at her husband with such love it takes my breath away. I watch them and I see he is totally captivated by her. He looks at her the way I have seen Gideon look at Eva – as if he would do anything for her. It makes me feel like a voyeur watching them, I feel as though I am intruding on something very personal. I look away and replay the words she has just spoken and I feel myself shifting uncomfortably in my seat, I have been doing this a lot during this lunch as it appears, I cannot hide who I really am from this woman.

'The way you hide behind a brash exterior, putting on a front. Saying and doing things which you know will keep people from seeing the real you, keep people from getting too close. I think that you are using that front as a protection so you don't get hurt. I think there is far more to you than what you portray and hopefully with time you will learn to trust me and let me in and let me be your friend, as you have let Eva in'.

She hit the nail completely on the head with her observations. I, like most people put on a front. Put on a show to give others a view of me. It was a necessary form of survival for years. I know Gideon dislikes me and merely tolerates me because he loves Eva but then again, the feeling is mutual. I dislike him intensely and believe wholeheartedly that Eva should never have married him. He however has given me good reason to dislike him, in my opinion he is selfish and thinks only of what he wants. He wanted Eva and he took her.

It became apparent very quickly that he is fucked up as much as I am but has never actually faced up to that fact. I will never forget the night I caught him attacking Eva in his sleep. Things had got hot and heavy between him and Eva very quickly and he soon became a regular visitor to our apartment. One particular night he had stayed over and I heard a commotion coming from her bedroom and gone to investigate. I had been astounded when I saw her fighting him off and naturally, I had gone to her aid and wrenched him away from her. Then to my surprise she had told me to stop, as I was pounding on him. She pulled me away from him and stood in front of him and protected him from me. I was shocked, even more so when she had explained that he was unaware of what he was doing as he was asleep. That was a whole new level of fucked up which was even beyond anything I had ever done, and I have done some pretty wild things. That is why I dislike him as he clearly knew he had severe issues, issues which make him dangerous to be around and yet he pursued Eva regardless of that fact, despite knowing her history and her triggers. He allowed their relationship to develop to the point of marriage when she is unable to even sleep in the same bed as him at night in case he tries to attack her.

There are only two people in my life who knows what happened to me. They are Eva and Dr Travis. I was a fucking mess when I met Eva. I was a fair way along the road to junkieville like my fucked-up mother and I believed that the only thing I could offer people was sex. Sex became my way of communication, my shield and my way of coping and dealing with everything that had happened to me. It became a way for me to just shut off my mind from the intrusive thoughts and emotions which overwhelmed me at times.

I was a mistake; I know this as my mother had never failed to tell me so. When she was high, when she was drunk and on the rare occasions that she was sober she would never let me forget that she hated me and that I was just the result of a dodgy condom and that she wished she'd had the money at the time to abort me. She made certain that she never made that mistake again and always ensured no matter how broke she was that she always had money available for an abortion should the need arise. I know for a fact that is the case as after me it arose a number of times as I was growing up, compounding the fact I was unwanted and unloved. I lived in hell, there is no two ways about it. Drugs, alcohol and prostitution were a normal part of everyday life for me. My earliest memory was of my mother screwing a man on the shabby broken sofa in our trailer and then both of them getting high, injecting whatever into their scabby infected arms.

As I grew, my mother quickly realised that I was an untapped source of income for her and so from a young age she made me available to her more 'discerning' clientele. I was eight years old when I was raped for the first time. There I was, an underweight and malnourished eight-year-old boy being held down and violated by a grown man, it was hideous. I quickly accepted that this was my life and so I started taking the drugs which were freely available just lying around our trailer to try and obliterate the memories of what was being done to me. Eventually, someone tipped off child services and I was taken away from her. I was twelve years old when that happened and I was a complete mess. I was placed in foster care and bounced from one foster home to another gradually becoming more and more out of control. Eventually, I was placed with one family who sought out Dr Travis to try and help me. That was when my life changed forever and I met my best friend in the whole world.

In the beginning I hadn't been taking the therapy seriously, I'd just used it as an excuse to work my way around the other people there. Males and females, I wasn't fussy and they were all as fucked up as I was and I had propositioned and fucked them all and also been fucked by a number of them. The first day Eva arrived she had sat down next to me and smiled at me and I asked her if she wanted to fuck and she had told me in no uncertain terms where to go. From that feisty first encounter where she had told me to have some self-respect we gradually became friends, we leaned on each other and slowly we learned to trust each other and eventually we opened up and told each other what we had both been through. Eva is my rock and I am hers… at least I was until she met Gideon.

I watch Gideon and Ana's husband Christian walk away side by side. I turn towards Ana who is once again watching me closely.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you feel uncomfortable" she says carefully and with obvious regret. Her words pull me from the thoughts currently whirling around my head.

I wasn't expecting that and I smile genuinely at her. "Not at all, I was just surprised by what you said. I didn't expect you to so comprehensively see through my elaborate façade" I say. I am trying to sound flippant about it but I am also being honest with her as she doesn't deserve me to bullshit her.

Eva reaches for me and squeezes my hand reassuringly and I turn my gaze towards her and smile at her.

Ana looks relieved and she shrugs, "I've heard a lot about you so from what I have heard, and from how you behaved – with everyone I just put two and two together" she says.

I hesitate a moment wondering what she means by that but she quickly continues.

"I saw how genuinely contented and happy you looked when Monica embraced you and then you altered and I saw the curtains close and you put on a front. You actively tried to shock us and make us feel awkward with your behaviour, which was at odds with what I had just seen".

"You heard a lot about me… from whom?" I ask although I have a pretty good idea it was probably Gideon as I had seen him whispering to Ana when I had first arrived.

Ana glances at Eva, "Gideon, he explained to me who you were… and that you liked to shock people with your behaviour".

I let out a loud snort as I am certain his view of me would not be at all flattering. I am also certain Gideon told Ana more than she is letting on. I am just oddly grateful and relieved that Ana hadn't taken what he had said at face value. It surprises me that I feel that way as normally I wouldn't be happy that I hadn't done what I had set out to do and prevented people from getting too close. In this instance though, I realise I actually care what she thinks about me.

"Shall we head off?" Eva asks suddenly and I nod before glancing once more at Ana.

She agrees and gathering her things she stands up. "Where are we going?" she asks Eva.

Eva mentions going back to the penthouse or heading over to Christian and Ana's apartment to keep Elliot company and looks at me questioningly as she says this.

I hold up my hands, "I don't mind where we go, I'm free as a bird for the rest of the afternoon. I have an evening shoot lined up about 7pm so I will have to leave before then" I explain.

"I don't mind" Ana says simply and with that we are heading outside.

I see Raul waiting and I grin at him. He gives me a tight smile as he greets me coolly.

"Cary" he says simply.

We all pile into the Merc and it is decided that we are going to Christian and Ana's apartment to see Elliot.

oooOOOooo

(GIDEON)

As Angus pulls up outside the Crossfire, it almost feels as though the information that Christian gave me on the therapist is burning a hole in my pocket.

I lead him into the Crossfire and glance at the security desk where I nod at George, he raises his hand and I can see he obviously wishes to speak to me so I wander over to him.

"The permanent security passes Mrs Cross requested are ready sir" George says as he hands me the envelope with the passes in.

"Thank you George" I say as I accept the envelope.

I look inside and hand Christian's pass to him which he accepts with a grin and a word of thanks.

Making our way to the elevator bank the doors conveniently open as we arrive and a sea of people exit it. Once it is empty, we both step inside and I automatically plug in my key to give us an uninterrupted ride to the top.

"I have to get myself one of those for Grey House" Christian says as he stares at my key covetously.

When we arrive at Cross Industries we are immediately buzzed in by my receptionist. She beams at me and flirtatiously flips her red hair over her shoulder. Christian notices her behaviour and smirks at me.

I nod at her coldly as she beams at me. I know she is jealous of Eva, she has always made that fact clear and when I first started seeing Eva she was less than welcoming when Eva came here to see me. The only reason she still has a job here is because Eva had made it clear she wasn't bothered about her.

We make our way to my office and as we round the corner Scott stands as he sees me.

I turn towards Christian, "Christian, this is my assistant Scott. Scott this is Christian Grey, I'm still officially out of the building today so please continue to handle any calls… apart from Eva of course".

Scott nods, and I know that in all reality Eva will call me on my cell phone if she needs me, but there are a few odd occasions where she has called via Scott.

We walk into my office and Christian pauses and whistles loudly. "Wow" he says simply.

I grin at him and showing off a little I move towards my desk.

"This feature is really cool" I say as I press the button which effectively frosts the glass walls giving us a degree of privacy from the rest of the office.

I pull the papers Christian gave me out of my pocket and look at him, "I think I may reach out to this therapist now… strike while the iron is hot and all that" I say trying to sound relaxed when in reality my insides are churning.

Christian nods "Do you want me to give you some privacy while you do it, I can go for a walk around by myself?" he says.

I hesitate a moment and then nod, I don't want him to witness me being too vulnerable with this call.

"Do you mind?" I ask and he shakes his head.

"Not at all" he replies. He slaps my shoulder "Good luck and trust me you are doing the right thing" he says encouragingly.

I nod once and watch as he turns and leaves my office.

(CHRISTIAN)

As I leave Gideon's office I pause wondering what to do and where to go, then I remember earlier and the young woman at Waters Field and Leaman and something inside tells me to go there.

I know Elliot had been quite taken with her, that much had been obvious and her reaction to him when he touched her had been telling. Something I have a great deal of experience with.

Without thinking too closely about what I am about to do I leave Cross Industries and make my way towards the elevator bank.

As the doors open, I pause outside Waters Field and Leaman. The young woman turns and sees me, recognition filling her face and she quickly buzzes me in.

"Mr Grey, how can I help you?" she asks me politely.

"Hello… Megumi isn't it?" I begin and she nods at me.

"Yes Sir" she replies politely.

"I just came to thank you for what you did earlier for my niece, it was very kind of you. She is very young and with hindsight I think today was a little too much for her".

Megumi smiles again "Not at all Mr Grey it was my pleasure, she is a lovely little girl" she replies.

There is a brief slightly awkward silence as I try to figure out what to say next. I don't want to frighten this woman but she clearly has some issues with touch and I find myself wanting to help her.

"May I speak to you privately?" I say carefully.

I watch as her eyes widen in fear slightly and she swallows hard. She nods and gestures towards the room we were in earlier.

As soon as we are inside I turn and notice that she has kept the door ajar and is standing near it so I quickly rush to reassure her.

"Miss Kaba… first of all I want to reassure you that I'm not hitting on you. I'm a happily married man and I love my wife and I wouldn't do that to her. The reason I am here is…" I pause again and in the end, I just decide to go for it. "Fuck it, my brother touched you and you shrank away from him, you feared his touch… that is something I recognised as I know something about it, until very recently I suffered with severe haphephobia. I couldn't tolerate any touch from anyone… not even my family. I… if you… I would like to help if…" I fade off not quite knowing what to say next and I am wondering if I have crossed a line by even mentioning it.

Megumi looks at me and smiles sadly, "Thank you for your concern Mr Grey, but I don't suffer from haphephobia as such, I just get a little afraid if men make unexpected moves towards me… that's all" she says.

I look closely at her, "Something happened to you" I say, it is a question but comes out as more of a statement.

She nods, "It did" she says sadly but doesn't elaborate and I don't expect her to.

I nod, "Well, I just want you to know my brother would not raise his hand to any woman. He wouldn't hurt anyone… he is a good man" I say simply.

Megumi smiles at me again and nods, "Thank you Mr Grey, I appreciate your concern".

I nod and I realise this conversation has come to an end, I decide I want to try and help El out here but I am fully aware that this requires tact and finesse.

"My family and I are in New York until Sunday so maybe we may see you again at some point as you are Eva's friend?" I say carefully.

Megumi nods and smiles, "I hope so, thank you Mr Grey" she says.

With that I decide it's time to leave and I exit Waters Field and Leaman and head back up to Cross Industries. As I do so an idea comes to me and I send Ana a quick text.

Try and get Eva to invite Megumi to dinner tonight

Ana's reply is almost instant.

Are you matchmaking?

I smile as I see her reply and quickly respond.

I just want to see my brother happy and Megumi seems like a nice girl.

Ana quickly replies and I smile again as I read it.

Consider it done, we are with El at the moment. Eva's colleague Mark has arranged to meet us for dinner at 7pm.

I quickly reply telling her I love her as the doors of the elevator open and I realise that I am back at Cross Industries and moments later I am buzzed inside.