Take Me Home For Christmas
Within just a couple of days of taking the potion from the healer, Jasper seemed to be one-hundred times better. He was able to walk freely up and down the stairs on his own, cook a few things here and there at the stove, and he could manage the front counter of the shop, though he had to sit on a chair to do so. Lucinda was beyond relieved. She wondered what the ingredients in the potion were, because it would be convenient for future reference, in case she ever had to make it...
"We've got ten cases of nettles coming in for the nettle wine." The apothecary owner looked over his list of orders at the counter, while Lucinda reorganized some of the bundles of herbs hanging from the ceiling. "Mr. Murphy will need to come and collect them the moment they arrive."
"He's just down the street?"
Jasper wrote something on the parchment and then put his quill down. "Mm," he said with a nod and looked over at her. "His address is here—" he pointed at a spot on the order list— "and he can be notified with the enchanted envelopes. We don't need an owl for local post."
"Okay," Lucinda replied and finished straightening the herbs. A few moments passed and then she walked up to the counter. "Jasper, is it really necessary for me to know all of this?" She asked with a slight crease in her brow, watching the order list between them. "I mean... I'm not staying here permanently..."
The man looked from her to the parchment between them and then he gathered it up in his hands. "Well, I suppose not," he said with a laugh. "I just want to make sure you're included while you are here..." He seemed to hesitate about something before finally asking, "How long will you be here?"
Lucinda sighed and leaned her elbows on the counter, sinking her cheeks down into her fists. "I don't know..." she trailed off. If she was being honest with herself, Jasper's health wasn't even the entire reason she was still there. "I guess when you're better again and... and you're for sure better..." She let her sentence hang there in the air, as if waiting for his confirmation, but it wasn't as if he could reassure her of something like that. He couldn't control what his body did or when it decided to fail...
Jasper gave her a smile that crinkled his eyes. "Yes," he agreed. "I'm sure it won't be long, then."
Lucinda smiled back, though it was edged in unease. She opened her mouth to say something else, but Jasper suddenly stood up straighter and gave her a serious look.
"Severus is coming," he whispered quickly. "Go on."
Lucinda's heart jumped in surprise and she flew around the counter to go down the hall. She was standing at the store room door, as she heard the bell jingle from the shop. Heavy boots echoed to her ears and she closed her eyes, head leaning back and breath going still.
"Good morning, Severus," Jasper's voice drifted down the hall pleasantly. "How are we on this... Merlin's beard, what happened to you?"
Lucinda's eyes opened and she turned her head to stare towards the shop doorway.
"Is she still here?" Snape's voice was quiet and only a little irritated.
Jasper must have either only nodded, or he said "yes" so quietly that she couldn't hear it. Silence ensued for a moment longer and then Snape spoke again.
"I would like to speak with her... whenever it might be convenient."
Again, Jasper must have spoken so quietly that she couldn't hear what he said, but Severus' response made it clear the context.
"I need to see her in order to apologize." His tone was a little more biting then. "Will she not even allow me that?"
Lucinda slowly let her breath out and quietly edged a little closer to the doorway.
"What happened to your face, Severus?" Jasper asked in hushed tones, ignoring the potion master's inquest. "Did you go have a row at the pub to blow off steam, or what?"
"Perhaps I did," Snape barked shortly. "Where is she?"
"Do you need some healing salves?" She could hear Jasper suddenly start rummaging through jars, but the potions professor must have stopped him.
"I don't need anything," he snapped and then there was another bout of silence. Then Severus apparently changed his mind, because then he sighed. "Actually, I do need some specific ingredients that require a healer's permit."
"What?" Jasper asked and Lucinda stepped closer, listening intently.
"I need Withania Somnifera and Sal Ammoniac."
He seemed to lower his voice and Jasper didn't reply for several seconds.
"What's going on?" The shopkeeper finally asked quietly. "Are you really..."
"It's a delicate situation," Snape said lowly and then he started getting irritated again. "So, if I could have the ingredients now. Madam Pomfrey signed off on them."
"Yes, yes, of course," Jasper muttered quickly and his chair scraped against the floor. "Just give me a moment..." The man suddenly entered the hall and almost ran into the young woman standing just on the other side of the doorway. The shopkeeper screeched to a halt and then gave her an exasperated look. "Eavesdropping, are we?" He whispered, but he looked a little frazzled. He weaved around her and continued down the hall and Lucinda bit down on her bottom lip. It was easy to feel differently in the light of day. It was easy to want to forgive and forget, but especially when she knew the opposite party was remorseful, as well... Then again, she didn't know what she wanted anymore.
Lucinda breathed steadily and ran her palms down the front of her apron (which she wore while she helped maintain the shop). Then she slowly stepped around the doorway and into the shop.
Severus found her eyes instantly; they moved sharply, like a hawk having found movement in the rippling grass.
Lucinda saw the bruises on his face and the discoloration around one of his eyes and her brows drew down in concern. "What happen— " she began, but Snape cut her off.
"I'm sorry," he spoke urgently, but gently, and his eyes drifted down towards her mouth as he said it. "For what I said to you, I'm sorry... I didn't mean any of it."
The young woman swallowed and stepped forward towards the shop counter that divided them. "None of it?" She asked quietly.
His eyes raised to hold her gaze again. Her brown hues were boring holes into him. "Perhaps," he said just above a whisper, "there were a few things..."
Her stomach twisted and her heart pounded in her chest. It felt hard to breathe. "I might have— "
"Here, you are." Jasper came back through the doorway, carrying one bottle and one small bag, and Lucinda stepped away from the counter. "It isn't cheap. Five galleons... Are you sure you need this, Severus?"
Instead of answering, the man placed the coins on the counter and then collected the items, placing them inside of his robes. "I will let you know if I require more," he said to the countertop and then he turned around.
"What happened?" Lucinda asked quickly and the man stopped his retreat.
He turned around and his black eyes flickered over her. "There was an incident," he stated evenly. She detected just a touch of irritation in his tone, though.
"What kind of incident?" She asked.
Severus hardened his gaze. "It doesn't concern you."
Jasper's blue eyes flickered back and forth between the two, as he watched them silently.
"How did you get injured?" Lucinda stepped closer to the counter again.
Snape looked almost exasperated at her question. His gaze roamed to the other man and then back to her. "Does it matter?" He asked, the hint of condescension on his tongue.
The woman matched his exasperated look, but she couldn't think of how to respond. She just glanced at where he'd placed the ingredients and then her expression drew down slightly. "I know what those are used for, Severus..." she said quietly. "What are you—"
"It's not for me," he snapped. "And it is really not my place to discuss such things with the apothecary owners."
Lucinda scrunched up her face in confusion. "What—"
"Have a safe trip back home, Miss Morgan," he said in a clipped tone and the woman's brow drew down further. "Whenever it is you decide to leave..."
Then the man turned back around and exited the shop.
She'd kept her eyes anywhere but on him. If she hadn't been wary before, she sure as hell was going to be after this little mishap... She was going to realize that the apple didn't fall far from the tree; that everything she was afraid of was right there in front of her; that he wasn't worth it...
"Will this help?" he heard her whisper.
Why did she bother whispering? He could hear her. He was unstable. He wasn't deaf. He was of age. Shouldn't they be leaving her out of it? Shouldn't they just come straight to him and tell him what a lost cause he was?
"We won't know until he starts taking it," professor Snape spoke lightly. "But he needs to be diligent about it. He cannot skip a dose."
Xavier's blood boiled, despite the bruising that he saw on his professor's face. Yes, he was embarrassed and completely disgraced by what he did, but they didn't need to treat him like a ticking time bomb. That's exactly how he'd always felt around his father. That's precisely how his mother always felt around his father. They all tiptoed around him and now everyone was doing the same to him.
But they had good reason to... he thought, miserably. I lost it, after all. How am I any better than him?
"Is there anything in here that will harm him?" Madam Pomfrey stood with her back to the hospital bed, leaning close to the potions professor as they spoke.
Severus shook his head. "I think it would be highly improbable. It is more likely that it will help."
Xavier slammed his fist down on the mattress. "I am not sick!" he suddenly yelled at the woman's back. Pomfrey visibly flinched at the outburst and it only made X all the more irritated. "Why am I even here?! I'm not ill! I'm unharmed! I should be packing my bloody bags!"
Aurora's hand pressed down on his arm and he ripped it out from under her, as if she'd burned him.
"And why the hell are you still here?!" The young man balled his hands into fists and raised himself up slightly, glaring down at the woman who sat beside him. "Haven't you seen enough?! Haven't you got it through your head that I don't want you near me?!"
He could tell that she was trying to suppress the urge to flee. He saw her fingers twitch distractedly atop the mattress and her lips pressed together tightly, but she didn't say anything.
"Mr. Michael, I believe that is enough out of you," Snape said with little emotion.
"Why didn't you stop me?!" The redhead suddenly turned on him. "You're stronger than I am! You could have stopped me! You could have hit me back!"
"That would have been counterproductive, Mr. Michael." The man stared with expressionless eyes at him and then he suddenly looked at the two women in the room. "Alright, out with the both of you."
"Severus— " Madam Pomfrey started to protest.
"I need to speak with him in private," he said sternly and then glanced at the woman by the side of the bed. "He doesn't need to be coddled. He needs time to cool off. So, both of you..." His gaze went back to Poppy. "I would appreciate your cooperation with this. Please, leave. Now."
Madam Pomfrey's gaze lingered on her nephew and then slid to the other woman. Aurora seemed to be trying to communicate something nonverbally, eyes slightly wide, but the school matron shook her head. "Severus is right," she said gently. "Let's go—"
"You know, you could pretend I'm here and not talk about me like I'm not!" Xavier snapped.
"Shut up, Michael," Snape growled.
When the women were gone, the potions professor walked to the chair that Aurora had previously occupied and sunk down into it. The redhead was still raised up from the bed, as if ready to take off at the drop of a hat.
"Relax," Severus spoke quietly. "Sit down."
"I am," X spat.
The potions master fixed him with an unamused look and said, "Sit down more."
Xavier slowly lowered and settled himself more firmly atop the bed, but the fight in his eyes remained. "Why haven't you expelled me?" he whispered severely.
Snape tilted his head and crossed his arms, staring the Hufflepuff down. "I don't have the authority for expulsion, Mr. Michael," he responded slowly. "You know that."
"You could still have me expelled," Xavier stated in a voice that was almost expectant... hopeful, perhaps? "The Headmaster wouldn't object to it, I'm sure. I attacked a teacher. I attacked you, professor."
"And did you do it knowingly?"
Xavier nodded. "Of course, I did."
Severus sighed and shook his head. "No," he said shortly. "You did not. You were experiencing an episode beyond your control—"
"Why are you making excuses for me?" He leaned back slightly, as if to pull himself further away from his professor. "Why won't you let me take responsibility for this? Why... why is everyone pretending like I was possessed or something? It was me!"
"Calm down," professor Snape said shortly. "I have made up a potion for you to take once a week. If you react well to it, we can increase the strength and you will only need to take it once a month."
"Oh, is that the solution we're going for, then? You're just going to drug me, is that it? Pretend like nothing happened? Sedate me and—and change me into someone else—someone who's more compliant, is that it?"
"I understand that you think it unnecessary, but given what has happened..." The man spoke carefully and he kept the young man's regard. "I believe it wise to try and control your suppressed anger."
"S-suppressed anger?" X stared, mouth open in shock and frustration. "There's nothing suppressed about it!"
"You haven't been channeling it in a healthy way," he said just as calmly.
The freckles on the boy's face deepened in color. "Bloody hell, you're one to talk!" He snapped. "What the hell have you been doing for the last two years? Taking your anger and frustration out on every god damned student and person in this place!"
"We're not talking about me right now."
"Yeah, we're talking about me—" Xavier pointed at himself and his fury was hardly concealed, as his hand shook— "as if you have any right to tell me about myself and what I need. You don't know me. You don't know anything about my life outside of this castle—"
"I know more than you think, Mr. Michael," the man said in his same quiet voice. "I collected you after your father died, remember?"
His response was to fall silent and his strawberry brows drew down far over his emerald eyes. "So what?" He whispered. "You think that gives you any right? You think you understand anything?"
"I understand more than you think," he repeated and then paused, as X continued to watch him with a guarded look. "When a child experiences... abuse—"
"Oh, piss off," Xavier muttered with a scoff and Snape was reminded momentarily of the woman who'd said the same thing to him not long ago.
"And neglect..." Snape continued, having apparently not been affected by the outburst, "it can leave traces on your mind. You may think that you're handling it... but in reality you're ignoring the issues that need to be dealt with; to be worked through—"
"Wow, that's so wise, professor," Xavier said sarcastically. "I think I understand everything now. That speech has just changed my outlook on life."
"And deflecting isn't going to get you anywhere closer to controlling your emotions," the man said with just a hint of force.
The young man scoffed again and looked away from the other. "Yeah, and drugging me is what's going to fix everything, is it?"
The potions professor let a long breath out through his nose and stared at his crossed ankles stretched out in front of him. "No," Severus said softly. "But the potion will help you stay more level-headed when another memory lapse threatens to ensue."
"You mean, in case I try to attack a teacher again?" He asked bitterly.
"Or anyone else," Snape replied, then added in a gentler voice, looking pointedly at him, "or yourself."
Xavier's initial response was to spit another foul retort, but the concerned look on his professor's face stopped him, regardless of everything. Professor Snape had never looked at him in such a way... X relaxed his shoulders a bit and his face slowly shifted to one of regret and just a touch of embarrassment. "Why are you helping me, professor Snape?" X whispered, barely audible. "After everything I've said and done, why are you... being so..." He didn't know how to finish that thought, but the man seemed to sense what he was trying to say.
"If I'd had someone to help me earlier..." he began and paused for so long, Xavier wasn't sure he'd finish. "I might not have made so many detrimental mistakes in my life."
The Hufflepuff boy stared back at him, eyes just a little wider. The potions professor's gaze still lingered on his boots and after a while, he uncrossed his legs and stood up.
"Alright, I have lessons to finish writing up," he said absently, looking around the room. Then he turned, glancing over at the boy. He stepped close to the bed and then tapped the bottle of potion at the boy's bedside table. "Drink it," he said seriously. "I believe it will help."
Xavier wanted to say, "no" and then he thought maybe he wanted to say, "okay," but in the end he just shrugged noncommittally.
Severus jumped his eyebrows up in a "very well" gesture and then turned to leave, but he stopped. He pivoted slightly and then locked gazes with the damaged young man. "And if you have someone that cares about you..." he said suddenly and even a little uncertain. "It's best not to... keep them at arms-length... Even if you think they'd be better off."
The man's gaze drifted off to the side, as if thinking of something else and the Hufflepuff boy just watched him in wonder. As his potions professor left the Hospital Wing, he had a feeling that he'd never again see that side of the man. It would be like it never happened. But Xavier would always remember the kindness that Severus Snape showed him for those few minutes while they were alone...
"She isn't here."
The apothecary owner stood in the doorway and Snape looked back at him with an air of pure exhaustion. "She went home," Severus stated, assuming.
Jasper shook his head, the corners of his mouth turning up slightly. "She's gone to call home."
"Call home?" the potions professor questioned.
The shopkeeper nodded and then stepped aside, stretching his arm out invitingly. "Come in," he said politely. "I've just put the evening tea on."
Severus hesitated, but only for a moment. Then he obliged and stepped inside after the man. "When you say 'call' home..." he trailed off, as they made their way through the dark house.
"Ah, well..." Jasper said quietly, as he led him down the hall. "She has muggles that she associates with and she said writing 'snail mail' would take too long." They turned the corner into the sitting room and Jasper went to the chair that Lucinda usually sat in. She'd left a book there and Severus watched the man gingerly move it to the side table. "I sent her to the muggle town over, so she could use a telephone there." The apothecary owner neatly folded a blanket that had also been on the chair and laid it over the back. Then he straightened back up and looked at the other man expectantly. "She should be back within the hour, I presume."
Severus stared at the blanket across the back of the chair and felt his chest tightening and his confidence dwindling. His talk with Mr. Michael had revitalized a sense of hope within him. He had been reminded of grave mistakes of past and he didn't want to add to that list of blunders. He'd wanted to truly come and talk with her; to fix things somehow, but... there was a sense of opposition as he stood there; a sense of not belonging there...
"Sit." Jasper motioned to the chair he'd just cleared off and then sat in his own. "Would you fancy a cuppa?"
He had such a wavering in his heart. He nearly turned around and left right then. "No," he shook his head, voice distracted and distant. "No, I don't want any. Thank you." He stepped in front of the chair and then slowly sunk down into it. The trapped scents in the fabric of the chair were released and Severus could smell her shampoo; her perfume, her skin...
"Are you alright, Severus?" Jasper asked softly. "You're looking... pale."
The potions master exhaled heavily, as he slumped back into the chair, watching the fire in the hearth with ridicule. His sense of self-doubt intensified and he felt utterly foolish for showing up there again. "She doesn't love me, does she?" he suddenly confessed in a wearied whisper.
The other man was so taken aback, he had to get up abruptly to pour himself a cup of tea. When he'd returned to his chair and the cup was comfortably between his hands, he stared cautiously over at his friend (were they friends again?). "What makes you say that, Severus?" Jasper asked brightly.
"Well, she isn't here for me, is she?" Severus replied falteringly, though he said it as a statement, not a question. "She's here for you."
"Initially, yes," Jasper wondered aloud. "But I believe her true motivation for staying has been for you."
The man shook his head instantly and then rested his chin in his hand, elbow propped on the armrest. "No," he said firmly, but softly. "There isn't even an ounce of truth to that, Jasper. She does not care about me."
"Why do you just assume that she doesn't care?"
His left hand squeezed into a fist atop the arm of the chair, while his other tightened against his chin. "Because every time she tells me she is to leave, she ends up staying..." He paused and looked fiercely over at the other man. "And then I find her in bed with you."
Jasper's eyes went a fraction wider and then he abruptly let out a heavy breath and plopped his own chin in one of his hands. "Bugger all," he muttered. "When did you see that?"
"Does it matter when?" Severus quipped bitterly and glared into the flames at his feet. "The point is that I cannot trust a thing she says."
"Severus, it didn't mean anything." Jasper dropped his hand with a rough smack against his armrest, as he stared hard at the other. "We were only sleeping."
"Sleeping..." the potions master repeated with a scoff and a shake of his head. "Sleeping... As if that explains anything. As if there is nothing intimate in the least about sleeping beneath the sheets with another."
"It wasn't like that—"
"You were embracing her, Jasper!" The man slammed a fist against the top of the table between them and Jasper made a mental note not to put his tea down. "You had your bloody, wretched arms around her and your bloody, sniveling nose buried in her neck!"
Shit, shit, shit, Jasper thought, eyes going wide before he could stop them. He couldn't argue against that. All of it looked so bad!
"Well, I-I... she..." Jasper stammered and felt himself drowning in the man's increasingly enraged gaze. "It was me," he blurted. "I was all me. It wasn't her fault—"
"A likely story," Severus spat and stood up from the chair.
"It's not—"
"Your face says it all, Jasper." Severus stared back at him angrily (and Jasper noticed the traces of betrayal, as well). "The confounded guilt on your face says it all."
"Severus—" the man set his tea down and stood, watching the other with what might have been just slight panic— "I am a disgusting human being and I always have been and I know that. Everyone knows that. But Lucinda is different. She was furious with me—"
"I don't care," Severus muttered and turned around.
"She loves you," Jasper spoke to his back, but the man walked away. "She's just stubborn and scared. You both are."
"Right," Severus said with another scoff, but he didn't slow his escape. "She told you that, did she?"
"Well, no," Jasper replied reluctantly and followed the man down the hall and into the shop front. "But it's obvious. I'm sure she's just afraid to admit it."
"And what would prompt that fear?" Severus spoke with sarcasm, not really expecting or wanting an answer. He just kept walking towards the door.
"She doesn't want to distract you," Jasper replied. "She knows how important you are to—"
The potions professor whipped around on the spot to stare maniacally at him. "You son of a bitch," Snape snarled and then he threw a fist towards the apothecary owner.
Jasper was a lot faster than he used to be in month's past, but he still couldn't completely avoid the teacher's wrath. Snape caught him across the chin and the shopkeeper went down.
It was at that precise moment that Lucinda returned from her journey and found the potions professor standing over her companion, hands balled into fists and breathing heavy.
"Jasper!" Lucinda cried in surprise and pushed past the other man to kneel on the floor.
Jasper rubbed his chin and tried to push the woman gently away. That's all he needed, was for Severus to really think that Lucinda cared about him more...
"What happened?" The woman stared accusingly up at her old professor. "What did you do?"
Severus stared daggers at the both of them, as he watched the young woman touch the man's jaw tenderly and examine the bruised flesh. "You're bleeding," he heard her whisper. He couldn't even say anything. It was preposterous. She was fawning all over him. Snape verbally scoffed at them with a "tch" and turned around. Lucinda didn't even say a word to his back. He just heard her mutter another quiet word to the apothecary owner ("I'm going to get a bandage") and then she was running from the shop, down the hall. It was Jasper's voice that tried to stop him.
"Wait, Severus," the man spoke from the floor. He suddenly sounded exhausted. "You're making a mistake."
"No," Severus said quietly to the door. "I am preventing a mistake right now."
"You god damned idiot," Jasper growled. "You're blinded by jealousy that's completely unwarranted!"
"And you are blinded by a pretty face," Severus spat viciously to the side. Then he reached forward and opened the door.
"She's going to need you," Jasper blurted behind him.
Snape turned slightly and looked down at the man with disgust. "She's got you now, dearest Jasper." He spoke condescendingly, eyes completely devoid of compassion. "She doesn't need me. She never did and she never will."
The girl's footsteps could be heard coming back down the hall and Severus turned around, not wanting to face her again. He just wanted to get out of there.
"She's going to need you, Severus," Jasper whispered perilously. "She's going to call on you and when she does, you must come."
"Here," he heard the woman enter into the room behind him. "Let me see the cut—"
Snape went out of the shop before he could hear another word. He caught another, "Severus!" from Jasper right before the door closed and then he was gone. He was out of there. He fled from that place, vowing to never return if he could help it...
Xavier hadn't said a word when they went back into the hospital wing. He just silently drank the potion professor Snape had left and then he excused himself to go back to his dormitory. Aurora watched him leave, wanting to tell him to wait, but not having the courage to do so. She wanted to give him space, but that meant she was just doing what she'd done that whole year and the one before. So, even though giving him space seemed like the best thing, she decided to forgo that plan. Instead, she opted for something that terrified her, because it meant she was going to have to be open with him; much more open than she'd ever been... with anyone.
On the following Saturday, she stopped him just after breakfast and asked him to accompany her to Hogsmeade. He stood with her in the entrance hall. He had been heading towards the door that he usually disappeared into to go to his dormitory. Aurora wondered if he was spending time with friends. He had been sitting with his housemates, but he hadn't been smiling. He hadn't been smiling for a while. He kept his head down. He was like a different person. Even standing right there in front of her, the eyes that looked out from beneath his strawberry lashes were somewhat disconnected or... wavering in some place where he was trapped.
"Hogsmeade?" He asked distantly, as if trying to figure out what the word meant. His green eyes shifted to the front doors of the castle.
"Yes," Aurora said gently and clasped her hands together in front of her. "Would you like to join me?"
He was still staring at the doors, brows brought down in a stance of confusion. His eyes flickered back to her. "You want me to join you..." he trailed off.
"Well, I asked if you would like to join me," she said with some tightness that she couldn't help. "But, yes," her voice softened. "I would like you to come with me."
The easiest thing would be to tell her no; tell her to forget about him and stop trying to help him; stop feeling sorry for him; stop feeling obligated to pat his hand and tell him he was going to be alright. It was disgusting and embarrassing and it made him itch all over.
"Alright, forget it," the woman snapped and spun around. He'd taken too long to answer.
Xavier watched her head for the front doors and his head slowly cocked to the side, as he thought about what his potions professor had said...
And if you have someone that cares about you...
Well, he wasn't sure if Rorie genuinely cared for him, or if it was out of pity... but he decided to give it a shot, anyway. Because life truly couldn't get any worse at this point... Well, he thought sadly. It could, if she ends up realizing that I'm a complete waste of time...
"Afraid to walk alone, are you?" he spoke in a voice much more confident than he felt.
Aurora turned around at the question. The young man wasn't exactly smiling, but there was the hint of some familiar glimmer of humor in his eyes. She couldn't help the curl to the corners of her lips. "Even if I was," she raised her eyebrows snobbishly. "I'd never rely on a man to protect me."
Xavier's own lips peeled open just slightly to reveal the beginnings of a grin. He closed them again and then walked forward, slipping his hands in his pockets. "That's alright," he murmured carelessly, as he joined her side and they went through the doors together. "Turns out I only bloody-up professors, anyway." His mind held no confidence in the satire of that statement, but he didn't let his insecurities be known on his face or in his voice. He sauntered down the castle steps, the blonde woman in tow, and held his chin in the air, when all he really wanted to do was crawl into a black void and decay.
"What's the matter? You've been all fidgety and twitchy for days."
Jasper had been pacing by the shop's front windows and he turned to look at the woman who spoke. "Twitchy?" He repeated with a smirk and a raised brow. "Really?"
Lucinda frowned and fiddled with the wand in her hand, as she sat behind the counter. "Well, not fidgety... But you've definitely been more... active."
"Can I help it if I'm feeling well enough to be more active?" Jasper replied with mock offense, as he glanced out the window. He turned his head in both directions, looking down the road.
"And there's that!" Lucinda exclaimed, jabbing the wand at him (which shot a small blast of light at the man and he had to duck to avoid it). Lucinda covered her mouth with her hand. "Sorry!" she whispered.
"There's what?" He questioned, straightening back up.
"You keep looking out there!" Lucinda pointed at him again, but this time she did so with her own finger. "What are you looking for? You're acting paranoid!"
The apothecary owner crossed his arms and scrunched his face up in thought. "Well, I thought Severus would be back by now..."
"Dear Merlin, Jasper." Lucinda fixed him with a disgusted and disapproving look. "He hit you. He's vile. Every time I think he's not as bad as I remember, he completely proves me wrong!"
"He was just riled up," Jasper muttered dismissively and glanced out the window again. "It was my fault, anyway."
"How can you take the blame for someone else socking you in the chin?" Lucinda shook her head and sat back in the chair, glaring at the ceiling.
"He wasn't thinking clearly, Luce." The man sighed and leaned against the window frame. "He was under the ludicrous presumption that you and I had done the dirty in your bed."
"What?!"
Jasper looked over at her with his usual unapologetic grin. "Well, that might not be exactly what he thought, but probably not far off."
"W-why would he think that?" Lucinda sat forward and stared accusingly at the shopkeeper. "Did you tell him that?"
"Of course not!" Jasper put a hand to his chest in offense and Lucinda rolled her eyes. "I told him that I was a dirty old man and that you were an innocent bystander."
"You didn't say that..." Lucinda warned worriedly.
Jasper half smiled, half grimaced and then he sighed heavily, slumping further back against the window. "No," he breathed, leaning his head on the glass and staring down the street. "He saw us sleeping in bed together. I tried to tell him that it was nothing, but... you can't tell Severus anything once he's set his mind on something."
Lucinda's gaze drifted across the room to stare at a spot in the air. "No," she agreed quietly. "You can't."
It never would have worked. There wasn't the time to grow or figure out what they meant to each other. He was always going to be misreading situations and fuming over the past—over things that had nothing to do with him or were out of his control. Not to mention, she needed to leave. She never should have seen him. She never should have spoken with him. She never should have given in that night and asked him to...
The young woman's face burned with embarrassment at the memory. She put her forehead in her palm and sighed, squeezing her eyes shut. Even if everything was fine and she could see him as she pleased, how were they to move on from that? Was he always going to bring up her ex-boyfriend and things she'd done at a time in her life when she was positively numb?
"Oh, now, don't look at me like that," she heard Jasper mutter from the window.
Lucinda glanced up, curiously, and saw the man pouting at something outside. His eyebrows scrunched down and he rapped his knuckles on the glass. Then his face snapped back into a large grin and he waved enthusiastically at someone on the other side. His joy lasted for a mere two seconds and then he scowled again.
"Bugger all," Jasper grumbled, dejectedly. "You could at least wave back."
"Who?"
Jasper snapped his head over his shoulder. "Hm?" He raised his eyebrows, scowl completely gone already. "Oh, just Poppy. She doesn't even have the decency to return a friendly greeting."
"As in, Pomfrey?" Lucinda stood up, face brightening. "Madam Pomfrey is out there?" She walked to the window to stand beside him and peer out. "I haven't seen her in ages. How is—oh my god, it's Rorie!" Lucinda ducked back away from the window and pressed herself against the wall.
Jasper gazed down at her with amusement and surprise. "An old friend?"
"Best friend," Lucinda responded in a habitual whisper. "She would kill me if she knew I was here. Oh my god, what is she doing here?"
"Ah, well." He shrugged and stared fascinated out the window. "She must be the apprentice Poppy has been training since last school year."
"Apprentice?" The young woman peered around the wall to watch the back of her friend's silvery head disappear down the road. "She's been at the school this whole time?" There was also the unmistakable fiery head of a certain Hufflepuff walking just beside her. If she didn't already know the way Xavier walked, Lucinda would have been thrown off by his height. He was positively towering over most of the crowd, but not in a gangly or unnatural way. X looked like he was always meant to be tall... He stood strong and solid. He stood as a man, absolutely no longer a boy. He'd changed so much...
"What's the matter?" Jasper asked, as Lucinda slowly walked away from the window.
The woman stopped in the middle of the shop, just staring through the doorway, into the hall beyond. "You ever get the feeling," she muttered quietly, "that everyone is moving on without you?" She looked over at the man and found him smiling somewhat sadly at her.
"Everyday," he said softly.
Xavier stared across the table at the golden eyes that watched him too intensely to ignore. His ember brows were drawn down in confusion, as he'd frozen with his hand partway to his lips, the butterbeer in his mug sloshing slightly at the sudden cease in movement. In ten seconds, he was trying to determine if what she'd just suggested had been another pity-offer. He studied every movement in her face, looking for the moment that would give her away; the twitch in her lips that would reveal her discomfort...
Xavier slowly lowered his hand back down and replaced his mug on the table between them. He dropped his eyes at the same moment and licked his lips. "Um..." he spoke hesitantly. "You... you want me to... spend the holiday..." he paused and looked up at her with raised brow, "at your house?"
"If you want." Aurora shrugged and relaxed back in her seat, seemingly less on edge now that the man had finally answered her inquiry. She sipped from her own mug and glanced around the pub. Madam Pomfrey had walked with them to The Three Broomsticks, but she'd left a few minutes earlier to "take care of an errand".
"What do you want?" Xavier asked and Aurora's eyes found his again. He was staring back at her with reproach and anticipation.
"I want to spend the holiday with someone else besides my brothers," came the woman's drawling answer, as she looked away from him. "They're fun and all, but it would be nice to have a friend there."
The young man contemplated her answer, but found that he still felt that she didn't sincerely want him there. He would have gone anyway, before everything. He would have been over the moon at her suggestion. Even if she was inviting him "just to be nice", he would have given her his best cheeky grin and crashed her whole holiday, regardless of how she felt... but now it was different.
Now he didn't want to make any sudden movements. He wanted to skirt the edges of her life and not dip a toe off the line, unless she pulled him from that spot with both hands.
The man reached forward and grasped the butterbeer in front of him. "No," he said quietly and took a sip from his mug. "But, thanks."
Aurora stared back at him with slightly wider eyes. They may have been the eyes of surprise, but if X had been looking at her, he would have seen the fire concealed within them. He would have seen her perfectly sloped nose wrinkle up slightly and her delicate jaw tremble. But he didn't look at her again until she was pushing her chair back and getting up from the table.
"Rorie—"
The woman stormed from the pub, her white-blonde hair billowing out behind her, and Xavier felt his chest tighten painfully. He only sat there with his head in his hands for thirty seconds and then he went after her.
"Well, this is unexpected."
Jasper stared transfixed at the woman who'd just entered his shop. Her blue eyes found his for just a moment and then she looked away, as she stepped forward. She slowly took in the little shop and dipped her head sideways, as she passed beneath bundles of herbs. She walked with her hands clasped primly in front of her and her shoulders were straight and even. She had a slender neck and a small chin that dipped in slightly; a straight nose, with nostrils that flared a little. She had a fixed expression, some might say a little cold, but her eyes were as kind and calm as the ripples on a pond.
"Severus asked me to pick some things up," she said, as she reached the counter. Her gaze lingered on the man's hands that lay between them, as his fingers gripped the countertop.
"Can he not come and get them himself?" Jasper's fingers tapped a rhythm and the woman watched them.
"He said he's busy preparing for exams this week."
Jasper watched her downcast eyes and grit his teeth. "Very well," he said breezily. "What does he need?"
The woman unclasped her hands and revealed a piece of parchment that had been sandwiched between them. She reached forward to drop the list of ingredients on the countertop, but Jasper suddenly flipped his hand over to display his palm out towards her. She hesitated, looking at the lines in his hand and then reached down to put the parchment there. There was the smallest of moments when her digits brushed his and the man nearly laced their fingers together, but he stopped himself. He took the parchment and straightened up, studying the different things listed, while the woman took a step back from the counter and replaced her hands in front of her.
"Just give me a moment to gather these," he said stiffly and took a sack from under the counter.
While the apothecary owner went from shelf to shelf, picking up bundles and bottles and measuring powders here and there, the woman watched him while his back was turned. She thought he didn't notice, but he did. While he faced away from her, he smirked to himself, but it was a sad smirk; a shameful sneer; a reminiscent smile...
"Alright, here you are," he said neutrally when he was finished and set the bag on the countertop between them.
The woman reached in her pocket and produced a small sack of coins, setting them next to the larger bag.
Jasper didn't bother counting it. He knew it would all be there. He didn't really care if it wasn't. When the woman wrapped her hands around the top of the bag of ingredients, the apothecary owner placed his own around hers.
"Poppy..." he breathed.
She froze under his touch and her eyes went a little wider. She slowly raised her head to look at him. Her stomach coiled and contorted, but she didn't say anything. She pressed her lips together and squeezed the bag tighter beneath his hands.
"Will you ever forgive me?" the man whispered seriously.
Madam Pomfrey swallowed and her narrow throat bulged and then relaxed with the motion. "No," she said back and she said it clearly.
Jasper couldn't help the gentle twitch of his thick eyebrows and the glaze of his eyes, but a moment later his lips curled up into a small smile. "Good," he said softly and nodded. "That's good."
There was a split second that the woman's face dropped its cool demeanor, but it wasn't long enough to matter. She quickly pulled the bag out from under his hands and turned around. She was halfway to the door when he spoke again.
"When I said I was sorry..."
Poppy paused, but she didn't turn around.
"I meant it," the man finished.
The school matron stood there a breath longer and then she said shortly, "I know" and then she continued out of the shop without looking back.
When the door jangled shut, Jasper sunk his chin into his hand with a heavy sigh. The woman was radiant and the beams of light that reflected off her filled him up for a lifetime. He was glad he got to see her...
A floorboard creaked down the hall and Jasper raised a brow. "You can come out now," he called.
Lucinda suddenly peered around the corner of the shop doorway with a sympathetic look in his direction. "Well..." she said after a moment. "There's a story there, I presume..."
He slipped on ice and scuffled through the snow as he tried to catch up with her. Aurora was an exceptionally fast walker, what with her long legs, and all... He had long legs, too, but he was much more clumsy than she was. She walked over the snow like it wasn't even there, slender arms swinging back and forth beneath her winter cloak. X was stumbling over everything. Perhaps he wasn't used to being so tall. He'd been so tiny his whole life. It's like his parents died and then suddenly he shot up like a tree; like somehow they had hindered his ability to grow. Maybe that wasn't completely implausible. Maybe he'd kept himself from growing.
"Rorie!" The young man called behind her. "Wait!"
"No!" She barked back and kept stomping away.
They were alone on the path back to Hogwarts. Xavier was thankful for that, because he didn't want such a display to be... well, on display.
"Come on, what did I do?"
"Nothing!"
Stomp, stomp, stomp.
"Then, why are you so mad?!" Xavier was nearly caught up with her. The tips of her hair blew in the wind and tickled his freckled nose. "You politely offered and I politely declined!"
Aurora spun around in the snow, spraying it out along either side of them, and glared at the young man. He was taller, but he cowered beneath her furious gaze, visibly shrinking away from her anger.
"Yes, why did you decline, by the way?" she asked fiercely. "You think I'd be better off spending it with someone else?"
"Well, I don't—"
"Or is it that you'd rather spend it with someone else?" Her gaze was even more intense, then. "Have you finally gotten over me, X? Is that it? Ready to move on and finally get a girlfriend and stop following me around like a damn puppy?!"
"W-Well, I-I..." Xavier stared back at her, now feeling especially rattled by her questions. Then his eyes hardened. "Well, if I was ever under the impression that you wanted me around, then you've just confirmed that you don't! So, thanks for clearing that up!" This time Xavier was the one to storm past her and up the snow-covered path, but he only got a few steps before he slipped like a ridiculous fool and landed perfectly spread-eagle in the snow.
Aurora stepped up next to him and glared down. "Don't act like you haven't been pushing me away!"
"You've been pushing me away!" the young man yelled up at her.
"You've said such cold and hurtful things to me half the time I've been back here!" She shrieked down at him. "How is that not pushing me away?!"
"And you've ignored me the other half!"
"Well!" Aurora snapped. "Why did I bother inviting you to Christmas? Why am I ignoring you in such a way? I am just such a bad person, aren't I—"
"You didn't mean it, Rorie!" Xavier suddenly sat up and slammed his fist into the snow, but it didn't have quite the effect he'd wanted. "You're still putting on this gentle and understanding façade and it makes me sick! I don't want your damn pity!"
The woman was so shocked and hurt by his words that for a moment she couldn't speak. Then her anger built up and she suddenly threw a palm out and smacked him right between the brows, sending him flopping back into the snow again.
"Maybe I'm not pitying you, X," she spoke harshly down at him, voice shaking with emotion. "Perhaps I'm just feeling sorry for myself and I wanted you with me during Christmas. Maybe you're not the only one that needs support. Maybe I just wanted you to..." She looked away and added in a mumble, "Never mind. Forget it." Then she walked away.
Xavier breathed heavily up at the sky, eyes wide in surprise. It's like her little smack to the forehead had rattled some screws back into place and he felt a surge of warmth spread from head to toe. The red-head suddenly sprang up from the snow and took off after the young woman.
"Wait!" He called. "I didn't mean it! Take me with you! Let me meet the parents! For the love of all that is good, take me home for Christmas!"
"You dated Madam Pomfrey?!"
Lucinda sat stunned in her seat by the fire. She stared over the top of her teacup at her companion and mouthed wordlessly at him. For the first time, the man didn't have even the faintest hint of impishness on his features. His face was drawn down and contemplative. Perhaps a little wistful...
"It was a long time ago."
"How long?" She couldn't help asking. She was fascinated and horribly curious, although she still felt bad, because it seemed to be a sore topic.
"Well, neither of us is terribly old, so not that long ago, I suppose..." He thought about it, but he seemed only partially committed to that statement. "She was attending Hogwarts at the time. She was sixteen when it started and it ended when she had just turned eighteen."
Lucinda glanced at her tea and then decided to set it down. Once she was settled back comfortably in her chair and the blanket was pulled up around her, she asked softly, "What happened?"
Jasper let a heavy breath out. He'd been doing that a lot ever since Madam Pomfrey had left the shop earlier that day. "Apart from the fact that I'm eight years older than her?" He chuckled softly. "Let's just say we weren't a good match. Neither of us would have been happy... in the end."
The young woman's brows cinched together. "But... you asked her if she'd ever forgive you..." She paused and wondered if she should even push any further. "I'm guessing you were the one to end things?"
The man stared into the fire and blew another breath from his lips. "No," he said. "She did."
Lucinda couldn't help her raised brow at that. "She did? But why?"
"I cheated on her."
The woman's eyebrows lowered back down. "Jasper..." she whispered in bafflement.
"What?" He snipped. "You cheated, too, right?"
"What?" Lucinda was actually surprised and it showed in her voice. "What do you mean?"
"You kissed Severus while you were still dating Samael, didn't you?" Jasper challenged. "Is that any different?"
The woman looked away from him and her cheeks burned. When had he heard about that? "I... I guess. I don't know..." Lucinda couldn't help but feel a little defensive and she glared over at the man. "Why are you turning this around on me? All situations are different. How can you compare it?"
"Does it matter?" He snapped.
"I don't know," she snapped back. "You tell me. Did you cheat on or with the woman you loved? Did you love Poppy?"
Jasper kept her gaze for a long time and then he looked away with another sigh. "It doesn't matter, anymore..."
Lucinda's defensiveness ebbed away and she looked at the man with sympathy again. "It's never too late to fix things..." she whispered.
"You're wrong, Miss Morgan," Jasper said into the fire. "Sometimes things are destined to end before they even begin."
