"If he needs it so much, then we can just destroy it," suggested Tonks enthusiastically.
Remus almost couldn't help laughing at the confidence with which the bright haired young woman offered this solution, like it was so simple and she couldn't understand why nobody had thought of it first. He wondered how long it would take before she realized that nothing was ever going to be simple. That easy answers did not exist in issues pertaining to Voldemort.
"It doesn't work like that," said Kingsley in his calm, deep voice. "Prophecies are protected by powerful magic. None of us could even touch it. Not to mention the difficulties associated with getting that deep into the Department of Mysteries."
"We may come to need it later. That information could be as valuable to us as to the other side," said Hestia Jones, a pale, black haired witch that Remus only vaguely knew during the first war, as she was only involved in a limited capacity back then.
"That prophecy killed Harry's parents!" declared Molly angrily. "I don't know what good it could possibly do to leave it out in the world."
"The prophecy didn't kill James and Lily. Voldemort did," said Sirius coldly, ignoring the shiver that traveled around the table at the use of the name. "If he wants this so desperately, there has to be a way of using it against him. Setting a trap and fighting rather than sitting on our asses and waiting for him to make a move!"
Remus tensed up beside Sirius as several people opened their mouths to argue, but they were all cut short when Dumbledore spoke.
"Enough," he said firmly. "I assure you, all possibilities are being thoroughly explored. For now, our first priority is protection. Voldemort will not go to the ministry personally. He has not yet gained enough power to risk revealing himself. That does not mean he will not send anyone in his place."
"We can gain access to the department entrance thanks to some key contacts," explained Moody from his position beside Dumbledore at the head of the table. "As long as we remain discreet with our comings and goings, we are able to put one of us on guard duty every night. Dumbledore and I are in agreement that we should schedule people on as soon as tomorrow night."
"We will need volunteers to hand their names over to Mr Shaklebolt at the end of the meeting. He will be arranging the schedule," said Dumbledore.
Remus and Sirius glanced at each other. Remus gave a small nod to Sirius' questioning look. Of course he would be volunteering.
The rest of the meeting progressed in a calmer fashion, wrapping up fairly soon after with another rundown of some logistical elements of the Order's operations. By the end, it was clear everyone was exhausted. Well, except maybe Tonks, who still seemed to be buzzing a little from the excitement of being there. Remus knew that she was not the only young person joining up. The oldest Weasley children were also eager to be involved, with Bill set to arrive in London within the week. Still, for the moment, she stood out rather starkly. Especially after her rather dramatic entrance into the house, resulting in a toppled umbrella stand and a screeching portrait.
The mood of the night had started out quite warm. Many of the people there had been involved in the order the first time around in at lest a peripheral manner. There was an air of reunion. Of camaraderie. The newcomers were all welcomed happily.
Even Sirius seemed to be enjoying himself a little, particularly after the initial awkwardness that always came with people seeing him for the first time out of prison started to wear off. He was especially delighted to see Hagrid, who had enveloped him in a crushing bear hug that Sirius made a great effort to tolerate. He also appeared to get on well with Tonks, the daughter of his favorite cousin Andromeda. Sirius and Andromeda had been very friendly after he left home, though they eventually dropped out of regular contact due to the chaos of the war.
Remus was glad to see everyone enjoying themselves. Really. He was. He just couldn't find it in himself to join in. In fact, he couldn't bring himself to do anything but sit quietly next Sirius and wish he could disappear.
He was already shaken up enough by his interaction with Moody and the inevitability of having to explain it to Sirius. He was most certainly not prepared for the string of cautious glances and 'Good to see you're doing better,' and 'Sorry about your recent troubles,' from every other person that entered the house. He definitely wasn't prepared for the curious glances it prompted from Sirius every single time.
He absolutely, without a doubt, was not prepared for Mundungus Fucking Fletcher to lean in close, one of the last people to leave at the meeting's conclusion, and tell him he has a great connection for more specialized potions, 'You know, if you're still into that kind of thing.'
"Thank you, but no," he mumbled uncomfortably while hoping to whatever powers might be that Dung didn't decide he was in the mood to reminisce.
Sirius was looking at him intently as Dung shuffled upstairs, leaving them alone in the basement with just the Weasley's. Remus couldn't tell if he was more amused or concerned.
"Well, we're off to bed then," said Arthur with an exhausted smile.
"Remus, dear, will we be seeing you before you leave for Wales in the morning?" asked Molly.
"I'll stick around for breakfast then head off," he replied.
"I bet you're looking forward to sleeping in your own bed again," said Arthur. "That's always what I miss the most."
The Weasley's said their goodnights, leaving Remus and Sirius alone in the basement kitchen. Sirius sat back down at the table, looking very much as if he had something to say and no desire to say it. Remus sat down across from him. There was silence.
It was broken suddenly by the sound of Molly yelling from upstairs. "Have you kids been up this whole time? I told you to stay in your rooms while the meeting was happening!" It was followed by the sound of hurried footsteps and at least one hastily slammed door.
Remus and Sirius looked at each other and laughed. "Honestly, every single one of those kids is a handful on their own. I can't tell you how thankful I am I never had to have them all at once in a class," Remus joked. "Managing the twins was chaos enough. Worse than you and James, and I don't say that lightly."
"Really? Well, that is an impressive claim. The girl, Ginny, she seems pretty tame at least. A bit quieter," mused Sirius.
"Oh, don't be fooled. Give her enough time to get comfortable around you and she's worse than the lot of them. More powerful than anyone gives her credit for and takes no shit."
"Ah, yes. Always a dangerous and wonderful combination," said Sirius with a smile. "So," he started, dropping the smile in favor of an expectant stare, "are you going to explain?"
"Explain what?" asked Remus evenly, folding his arms over his chest.
"Don't do that. You barley said a word all night. Why the fuck were people being so weird with you? And don't even get me started on what just happened with Dung," he scoffed.
Remus sighed. "I crashed on his couch about a month after… it happened. Right before I left London. Haven't seen him since then."
Sirius let out a low whistle. "Mundungus Fletcher's couch. What in Merlin's beard must that have been like?"
Remus furrowed his brow. "The place was a shithole and I had to deal with people he'd pissed off coming to the door threatening to assault or curse him more than once. But he taught me some things that came in useful later and didn't complain when I would shoot up on his couch, so, you know. Pretty much the best I could have hoped for at the time," said Remus sardonically. "Dung has many faults, but he let me stay for free until I decided to leave, and I never felt judged by him. Wouldn't say we were ever really friends, as such, but that has to count for something."
Sirius nodded, taking in every word intently. "And the others?" he asked carefully, knowing full well that Remus hated talking about his past. Or anything remotely difficult to talk about, really. He hadn't changed in that way, though he was blessedly more willing to suck it up and do it anyway than he used to be.
Remus looked at Sirius hesitantly. He had been doing better lately, but he could still be volatile. Fragile. This seemed to be a good day for him and Remus wasn't keen to bring his mood down. He weighed up his options and came to the eventual conclusion that refusing to talk was more likely to send Sirius spiraling than discussing upsetting topics.
"After the war ended the people that were left tried quite hard to keep in touch for a while," started Remus softly. "I didn't want to see anyone, but they just sort of kept showing up. The Longbottom's and Hagrid were the worst for it. Even people like Diggle, Dodge, Jones, the others who were never really in that core group still came over with so many fucking casseroles that I barley ever ate. I don't really know what it was, if they were all like that with each other or everyone was just feeling sorry for me in particular. I just couldn't get away from it. I managed to get through all the funerals sober because it just seemed… disrespectful not to, but after that things went south pretty quickly. I don't think all of them necessarily knew the exact nature of my problems, but I imagine it was pretty evident to everyone that I wasn't doing so well." Remus sighed, rubbing at his forehead. "Especially after what happened at- look," said Remus, suddenly very awkward, "suffice to say, the last time most of these people saw me, I was a mess. The few that I worked with at Hogwarts know I'm different now, but after tonight it seems like everyone else just sees that fucked up kid, except now they also know I'm a werewolf, which most of them didn't before, oh, and I resigned from my teaching position in disgrace and it was plastered all over the bloody papers. So, it's been a fun night."
"Hang on, hang on a second," said Sirius, holding up a hand. "You can't just do that. Especially after what, exactly?"
"Come on, Pads, I'm allowed a healthy amount of shame. If you really want to know I'm sure you can badger someone at the next meeting into telling you. Judging by the looks I was getting they clearly all remember," said Remus, cringing. "I only know half of what happened because it was recounted to me after the fact."
"How about if you tell me this story, I'll tell you a prison story. Quid quo pro," Sirius suggested.
"I don't need to trade you for those stories when you give them away for free. You told Tonks and Moody at least three prison stories before the meeting even started. You're going to need to do better than that if you want anything out of me," declared Remus.
"Am I being punished for my emotional honesty? Is that what I'm hearing?"
"Emotional honesty? You tell stories about Azkaban like you're recounting anecdotes from the worlds most fucked up summer camp! It's some kind of honestly, but I wouldn't call it a shining example of vulnerability," scoffed Remus.
"Fine. Alright, fine. You tell me what happened, and I promise I will tell you about… about the first thing I did after I escaped," said Sirius, taking on a more solemn tone.
This piqued Remus' interest. As far as he knew, the first thing Sirius did was find Harry at Privet Drive. He really never thought to question it. Sirius seemed almost nervous to bring it up.
"Okay. Deal," said Remus, prompting a small smile from Sirius.
Remus took a deep breath, readying himself. Sirius did the same, suspecting that the story to come was likely not a fun one.
"About six months after the war, someone arranged a get together for all the surviving Order members, some sort of memorial or reunion or whatever. Hagrid showed up at my door and practically dragged me to the event, held at The Three Broomsticks. He'd showed up a few times over the months, but I think he just thought I was depressed and drunk, which wasn't wrong, but you know, it's Hagrid. He doesn't know anything about drugs. He just gave me a few cups of coffee to sober me up a bit and off we went. I think Dumbledore and McGonagall were concerned right away, but I just avoided them at all costs, and it was fine. There was free wine, which I took great advantage of, but even with that, being around all those people was difficult," said Remus sadly. "Everyone just looked at me like I was pathetic, as if I didn't already know that. I don't even know. It was all just a fog for a long time. I barley even remember the first few months and it was longer still before I could be even remotely functional in public. I tried to leave early, but Dumbledore caught me and insisted he wanted me to stay. Said he was concerned about how much I'd been isolating myself. I don't know why I listened to him. Some time after that, things go a bit fuzzy. See, I'd brought a little something extra with me and I decided to sneak away to the bathrooms to use it. Next thing I remember, I wake up in the Hogwarts hospital wing," he finished with a wince.
"No," Sirius breathed, jaw hanging open. "You did this while Dumbledore was there?
"Unfortunately, yes," grimaced Remus. "The sequence of events, as it was told to me afterward, was that I combined a rather large dose of opiates with an extremely large quantity of alcohol, then stumbled back out into the main room right in the middle of Dumbledore giving a speech to thank everyone for being there. Frank Longbottom said he spotted me and came over to help at which point I very loudly declared that I was completely fine, threw up on him, and promptly fell to the floor unconscious."
"Ah yes, a classic Moony party move. I believe I've seen that one before," teased Sirius, hoping the humor might alleviate the tightness in his chest as he imagined the scene playing out. It didn't work, especially when Remus met the comment with a look of embarrassment rather than laughter. "Sorry," he said sincerely. "That sounds like a nightmare."
"Yes, well, that's also pretty much the last time most of them saw me until today, except Dung and Moody, I suppose, but I hardly left those encounters in a better state. A few months after that I left the country. After what happened to Frank and Alice, I don't think anyone ever tried to organize a reunion again, anyway. Losing them like that, after the war was over, it was just too much."
Sirius was quite for a while, face blank. Remus waited patiently.
"I remember when they brought them in, the ones that tortured them. You want to know something really fucked?" Sirius asked in a monotone. "I didn't even care. I felt nothing. They were my friends, and I couldn't even bring myself to spare some anger for what was done to them. I had so much anger, so much more than I could contain, but it was all for James and Lily and I couldn't give up an ounce of it for anyone else."
Remus smiled sadly at Sirius. "I read it in the papers. I was in Scotland the next day and didn't step foot in England again for about eight years. They really tried to look out for me in the beginning and I didn't even visit them in hospital until a couple of years ago." A beat. "I don't even know if they knew who I was."
They were both silent, staring down at the table. The air hung heavy and still in the dimly lit room.
"So, you want to know what I did when I escaped?" Sirius asked quietly, breaking the silence. Remus looked up at him and nodded. "I went to our old flat."
Remus' eyes widened. "Why in the world would you risk going into the city?" To property owned under his own name, no less. It would be one of the first places they would have looked. He had to fight down the sharp shot of panic, reminding himself that the event had already happened and Sirius made it out.
"I wasn't exactly thinking clearly," said Sirius sheepishly. "I didn't know what else to do and I thought… maybe there was a chance."
"A chance?" queried Remus.
"That you might be there." Remus raised his eyebrows in surprise. That was not the answer he had been expecting. "I know it doesn't make any sense," Sirius rushed to explain. "But everything was mixed up and it was the last place you'd lived that I knew about. I think in my head it was like… time froze. If I really thought about it, I understood that everything had changed, but it all happened without me seeing or hearing about it. Part of me expected to get out and find my whole life right where I left it, including you."
"What were you planning to do if you found me?" asked Remus softly.
Sirius sat back in his chair, rubbing his chin with one hand. "I would have told you the truth. Then, if you believed me, I would have asked if you wanted to help commit a murder," he said, quirking an eyebrow. "By the time I realized you were at Hogwarts it was all a moot point anyway. I couldn't risk you turning me in."
Remus turned this revelation over in his mind. "At the time, I kept telling myself that if I saw you, I wouldn't hesitate. That I could do what needed to be done to protect Harry."
"And now? What would you have done?"
"There was just too much that never made sense. I think I would have risked almost anything for an explanation," he said honestly, still not quite able to shake the stab of guilt he felt for so many years for never fully condemning Sirius, deep down in the part of him that could never accept he was a traitor. The same part of him that kept his Animagus status a secret.
Sirius smirked. "And the murder part?"
"I think I demonstrated in the Shrieking Shack that I don't have an issue with that," deadpanned Remus.
There was a beat of silence before both of them laughed lightly, a grin spreading out across Remus' face.
"Well, I hope that was worth it because you've reached your story quota for the week. Too bad, really. The incident Moody was referring to earlier was really much more exciting. I would have traded for that, if I were you," Remus joked.
"No!," Sirius exclaimed, slapping his palm on the table. "I got so distracted by what Dung said that I completely forgot! Come on, Moony, you can't do this to me. Tell me what happened," Sirius demanded.
"Now that I know I can trade for it you think I'm just giving this shit away for free? You've set a precedent Pads. It's your own fault."
"Fine, I'll tell you about-"
"Doesn't matter now. I've hit my limit for humiliating visits down memory lane tonight. Besides, I've got to go to bed. I'll come over before my first guard shift at the Department of Mysteries and you can ask me then," said Remus, pushing his chair back and standing up.
Sirius went quiet again, not moving to stand. Remus looked down at him, suddenly uncomfortable as Sirius just stared down at the table.
He wasn't oblivious. He'd picked up on the way Sirius' mood shifted every time he mentioned going home. Still, he never said anything. He never asked Remus to stay. Of course he didn't. It only made sense. Remus had a home. It's not like he wouldn't be in headquarters regularly anyway. What were they supposed to do? Just live together until the war was over? Until Sirius' name was cleared?
It wouldn't help either of them jump headfirst into co-dependency just because Sirius was afraid of being alone. They had done that before. Remus very much wanted them to stay friends and maybe a little bit of distance would make that easier.
"Goodnight," he said before heading towards the stairs.
Sirius made no move to follow.
