Ch.61

It's been about a couple days since the meeting with the governor. I'm inside with Carol watching over Judith. Daryl told me not to go outside for any reason. I'm starting to get cooped up staying within these walls.

I know Daryl really cares for me whether he shows it or not. Even though he may seem angry at me, he's just worried for me. I love that he cares so much about me. I'll have to eventually tell him everything. He'll understand then.

Merle's been tearing up the place looking for drugs and whatnot. I can't believe him sometimes. Of all the things to worry about, he's worried about getting drunk or high. It doesn't seem like he cares that the governor is coming for us.

"Merle, can you not be yourself for one minute? At least pretend to care about what's going to happen to everyone if the governor shows up. It's not just about you." I sigh cooing over Judith in my arms.

"Who's to say he ain't on his way here already?" Merle suggests causing me to panic on the inside. "Shut up! Don't say that!" I yell placing Judith back in her crib to grill Merle about his aweful attitude.

"Now don't be that way." Merle laughs hanging over the railing to stare at me below. "Come on. Sometimes you gotta do something that makes you feel good. Numbs your mind." he says laughing more.

"Well why don't you go look for drugs somewhere else, then." I growl waving him away. "You know, it don't have to be drugs. There is one other option." Merle laughs grinning at me.

"If you're thinking of what I think you are, you got another thing comming." I scoff turning to leave. "Ah, come on. Loosen up. Who knows, you might like it." the corner of Merle's mouth raise to a smirk.

"Merle, don't evern start. It's never gonna happen. Even if you didn't cause this shit show, it would still never happen with you. Got it." I growl glaring at Merle as he prances up to me.

"Are you sure about that?" Merle asks reaching out for me. "Yes! God! Don't you ever shut up about that?! Seriously!" I exclaim slapping his hand away from my face. "Damn. My brother's one lucky son of a bitch." he says shaking his head at me.

"Why's that?" I ask grouchy. "Because...he gets to fuck you any time he wants." Merle responds putting his hands in his pockets. "So you think." I softly say turning my face away.

"Don't tell me you haven't been giving him a little something something?" Merle stares at me confused. "Holy shit. Is that why he's been bitchy lately?" he laughs when I don't answer him.

Merle's right, though. I haven't been able to get up the courage to make love with Daryl. I know that's why he's acting crabby. It's just all the flashbacks of when I was being held in Woodbury. They haunt me.

"Damn. You got him wrapped around your finger. He's gonna eat you alive if you keep this up, though." Merle states circling around my body to stare into my face. "Look, I don't have to explain myself to you." I reply snobbily and crossing my hands over my chest.

"I bet if you just give in, you'll feel a lot better. You both will. It would be very satisfying if you know what I mean. Yeah?" Merle says offering me his guidance with a smirk. "Suit yourself. Have fun finding your zen." he laughs as he walks away.

I can't say I haven't thought about it. I really want to, but I'm afraid of all the horrible memories that surface. Maybe I should just give in to Daryl. I can't live in the past forever. I sooner I move on, the better my life will be.

I can live my life the way I should. I have people who love me and want to be with me. I shouldn't push them away. Especially Daryl. He's the last one I want to hurt. I should apologize for the way I've been acting towards him. I need to find him.

As I'm about to go looking for Daryl, I hear him call out for Merle. "Hey, babe, you seen Merle?" he asks me trying to mask his unease. "He's downstairs." I say pointing toward the door Merle disappeared through.

Daryl nods at me then turns to head toward the door. "Daryl?" I say to stop him from leaving me. I stare sadly at him as I cling to his arm. "What is it?" he asks me confused, and I apologize to him right then.

"You know I love you, right? More than anything?" I ask staring into Daryl's pale blue eyes. "Yea, I know." Daryl responds with a nod. "Do...Do you still love me?" I ask him seriously. "Of course. What are you getting at?" he exclaims eying me weirdly.

I really needed to hear Daryl's honest answer. I lift myself up to kiss him tenderly on the lips. He gives in to the pleasure of having my hop lips caress his. "Meet me at our cell later?" I ask nervously at what I'm thinking about doing.

"You bet." Daryl responds giving me a firm kiss. "I'll see you later." he winks at me before leaving to find his brother. I'm so nervous, but I can't wait. It's like having sex for the first time in a very long time.

I'm gonna make it right between Daryl and me. I have to. I need to stop living in the past and start living in the present. And the first thing I decide to do is stare at his butt as he walks away. Old habits die hard. I will get over my fear once and for all.

Later I begin to wonder where Michonne had gone off to. It's been a while since I seen her. Last I saw her, she was gathering up some ammo for when they go scouting. Maybe she decided to leave on her own.

"Hey, Carol, do you know if Michonne went out?" I ask walking up to Carol. "She said she was going with Merle to do a perimeter sweep." she answers honestly. I stareat her confused as to why she would go anywhere with Merle.

"Really? Why with Merle, of all people? He tried to kill her." I ponder the answer to my question. "Yeah. Only god knows why, but she did." Carol states picking Judith up for another feeding.

"Shouldn't they be back by now? It's not like they went on a supply run, right?" I ask Carol, who is feeding Judith. I'm trying to think of where they could have gone, and I don't think Michonne would go willingly with Merle if it wasn't important. So where did they go?

"So if Merle's gone, where's Daryl?" I ask Carol. "Last I saw, he was talking with Rick. Why?" she asks me while burping Judith. "He wouldn't tell me where he was going. He just told me he'd be back. Then left in a hurry." I shrug my shoulders at Daryl's explanation to me before he left.

"Well, honey, if he didn't tell you, he definitely didn't say anything to me." Carol says rocking Judith to sleep now. "I just feel like he's hiding something. Either that or he doesn't want to be around me right now." I trail off looking sadly outside.

"Honey, I don't think it's that. He loves you. Maybe he just didn't want to worry you over nothing." Carol says rubbing my back to make me feel better. "Maybe." I say dejected. I can't blame Daryl if he's keeping something a secret. I am, too.

"Hey, guys, Rick wants us in the courtyard. He says he wants to talk to us about something." Glenn says getting our attention to come outside. "What's all this about? Does it have something to do with why Daryl's gone?" I ask following him.

"I don't know, but he said it's urgent." Glenn says leading us to the courtyard where everyone else is at. "What's this about, Rick?" Carol asks as soon as we gather around him. We all stare at his hesitant face as he tries to decide how to tell us.

"Me and the governor, we made a deal." Rick starts but Maggie interupts. "What kind of deal?" she asks out of curiosity. "Said if I handed over Michonne that he would leave us alone. We would be safe." he finishes looking at every one of us in the face.

So that's what happened to Michonne. I couldn't believe my ears as Rick admits to willingly sacrifice Michonne. "Are you out of your mind? I thought Michonne had earned her keep in this group? Why would you sacrifice her?" I exclaim putting my thoughts out there for everyone to know.

Rick stumbles over his words to tell me that that was the plan. I apreciate that he's trying to save us, but this isn't the way. It's like he's not the same person anymore. To think he would sacrifice one of our people.

"Why would you do that? What if it was me? Would you have given me up just as easily?" I question Rick's values with tears in my eyes. I don't want to cry in front of him, but I feel like I'm going to anyway.

"This is different." Rick states letting out a sigh at me. "How?" I ask him as a single tear slips down my cheek. "Will you just hear me out? Please?" he asks clearly upset with what he was planning on doing to keep everyone safe.

"I was going to give up Michonne to him to keep us safe. But I changed my mind." Rick states staring at me to back off. "Now Merle is out with Michonne fulfilling the bargain, and Daryl went after him." Rick continues rubbing his face afraid that it's too late.

"So Daryl knew about the bargain?" I ask out of shock. "So didn't Hershel." Rick states as I turn around to pull myself together. I can't believe this. That makes sense, now, why he wouldn't tell me. Rick didn't want anyone else to know.

"I was wrong not to tell you all. And I'm sorry. I can't be the one who decides our fate. It can't happen. How we live or die isn't up to me. I'm not your governor." Rick pauses refering to how Woodbury is run.

"We are still alive because of us as a group. We decide together. We choose to go? We go. We choose to stay? We stay and defend. Whatever we decide, we stick together." Rick pauses briefly to stare at each of us.

"We vote. We can stay and fight...or we can go. It's up to us, but we have to decide quick." Rick continues as we listen to his speech quietly. Then he leaves us to discuss on our own. I have a true respect for Rick. he doesn't take us for granted. He actually cares what we think.