Eyes that see into Infinity
Chapter Forty-Seven
Part Four
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Every time I'm happy or in a good place in my life, something happens and it takes me down. It tackles me and holds me against the ground with violent hands around my neck and I fuss and gripe and growl. I'm not being strangled, I'm just being pinned against my will and I can't move behind a force I can not see. I spit at the invisible guy and I tell him to just kill me. He finds it hilarious and tells me that he can't kill me because what fun would it be to kill an already dying man. That's what it feels like when I'm happy.
According to my teacher, to have it all-friends, wealth, health, family, love, happiness, knowledge, wisdom, is something to reach for in your lifetime and that it can lead to human perfection because we're only imperfect in our own eyes. Aristotle told me once to enrich my life by keeping close to me things that will make me a better person. I think he was wrong. Sometimes we have to make choices that lead us nowhere or that lead us in a world of sorrows. Sometimes we have to sacrifice what we want and what we need for the other person even if it means leaving them in a state of misunderstanding. Disappearance isn't always final. And sometimes love isn't love at all and greed isn't always a bad thing, depending on what part of the body is operating the system. We always want to listen to our heart, but we should always listen to our head. I often forget that our hearts came first. The greater good is a painful concept because when you walk away from the person you love most, it's not always what it seems. Sometimes you're just protecting them the way they've protected you and other times it can't be demonstrated as easily as you want to make it. Phai reminds me that to be good requires an effort of will and strength to get through the worst part of yourself. I like to believe that I did what I did because it had to happen. But I'll let you decide.
Naturally, I begin to decline. So let the reckoning begin.
Alex blinked. He sucked in a visible breath and he wondered how long he had been staring at the ceiling. It was a bland ceiling, too. Jesus, was everything in his life so damn boring? He was on his back, on the kitchen floor and had no clue as to why. He rolled to his side and hissed strongly when he felt like he had been stabbed in the gut, which he had been. Some shard of broken liquor bottle was sticking out of his stomach a little to the right of his belly button. He pulled it out, not carefully at all, as if aggravated by it. Luckily, it wasn't deep enough. It was just a modest puncture wound and he tossed the glass aside. The king had a scar that looked the exact same in the exact same place. Things weren't looking up for him.
The blonde teen looked around and realized everything was soaked, the floor, his clothes, the counter, his hair. Then his nose began to sting from the piercing scent of alcohol, all different kinds. You name it. At least he hadn't pissed himself. Or vomited on himself. When he got to his hands and knees, he lowly grumbled as if it hurt him to move. He looked around once more and quickly recoiled in disgust. Open bottles, some empty, some half empty but none full, were spread across the wood looking floor as if a very bad undecided game of spin the bottle happened during his blackout. And of course he asked himself, what the fuck happened? He could have guessed, got it right and there would have been no good excuse for it.
"Fuck." Is what he said as he pulled himself up to stand using the edge of the island top, it being pretty slippery and difficult as his strength had gone flaccid and his knees and feet deprived of any useful sensation. His throat was dry too and he wondered how much he had to drink to feel like a sponge that hadn't been used in a long time, just shriveling up by the kitchen windowsill. He looked at the time on the microwave, hunching over the counter. Then he looked at the time on the stove and it said the same thing but he expected it to be different for some reason. It was a little after eight in the morning and for what felt like too long, he had forgotten that his grandfather died. He also forgot that his mom left. Then what really had his brain recuperate from his wildly sad embarrassing night, he realized he forgot to call Phai back. It was that time in the desert, all over again except this time he wasn't shooting up heroin and his phone was completely dead, having been demolished by the pool of spilled Tequila on the floor. Alex reached down, his body damning him, and picked up his soaking phone. "Fuck." He said again, thinking of all the things Phai was worrying about.
And with the worst timing, he had been caught. He didn't hear her but he looked up and saw her standing there just staring at him. She looked pale and dead and upset and he managed to add to her particular bad mood by not explaining to her what he had been up to since she's been away.
Olympias dropped everything to the floor, her purse, her keys, her coat, her heels, her life and she did all of this while keeping eyes on her son who said nothing, knowing that she was disappointed and equally disgusted in him as he was in himself so Alex just waited for her to be the first to engage knowing it was coming. With her, it always came.
Olympias looked away from him briefly and at the busted Hutch next to the refrigerator and the broken glass sprawled across the tile. She lifted a thin brow, not surprised that he would raid the liquor. She glared back at him like she was scolding a puppy that didn't know better but Alex knew better. She walked right through the wet floor stepping on shattered pieces, not caring if it cut through her feet, bent over and snatched up an unopened and undamaged wine bottle. Then she saw the blood. Blood was bleeding through his white shirt. She mustered a grin, then a scoff and then a crisp glare at him before turning her back to leave as if he was deserving of whatever happened.
"I was going to have everything clean before you got back." Alex said, softly, still with no apology or argument for why he chose to do what he did. Maybe he was worse than he thought. She was probably thinking that he couldn't wait to binge and celebrate now that his grandpa was officially gone. It didn't look good but Alex wasn't in the right mind to go into detail on why he picked the most fucked up night to do what he did.
"That's all you have to say to me?" He never heard her sound so dry before. Usually she had a fineness to her speech, a spunk. This time, nothing existed. Not even her usual hissing tone.
Alex nodded, without a blink but she still wasn't even looking his way, her back still facing him.
"You're a monster. Happy Death Day, Alexander." Then she left to go upstairs and barricade herself in her room with her wine and her tissues and her tears.
Alex had no idea what she meant by calling him a monster like that. Maybe she finally realized that he could have tried to help or save her dad and ultimately made a decision not to. Maybe she was convinced Alex was the reason she was surrounded by death. Whatever it was, Alex felt worse about it than she did.
The blonde was looking up the stairs as if he was waiting for her to come down and forgive him. He looked as if he should go up there and make her feel better, to be a better son. When he was about to, foot already on the first step and hand on the rail, he was stopped by a voice from behind. Usually it was the voice of the king, an evil spirit. This time it was a gentle force. A kind sprite.
"Don't feel judged by her. Don't let anyone ever judge you or they will take away your soul."
Alex turned and he must have been dreaming. He never got visits from his other half. It must have been another vision. It must have been from his toxic mind. He was still coming down from being drunk, after all.
The godly man looked tall and handsome, geared in elegant colors and cloths. But it was a short visit, and the general was gone and Alex called back for him as if he couldn't be without him, a deep loneliness seeping into him. "Phai!" He called out. "Don't go, Phai. I'm sorry. I should have called. Please, don't leave me!" But he didn't get an answer. Not from the one he had hoped to hear from.
"He was never here, Alex." Alex turned to the voice opposite of good, the one he had no way of getting rid of. The king circled the mess before stopping to pick up the shard with Alex's blood slathered all over it. He looked up at the blonde. "Your soul is already gone."
Alexander was gone a moment later and Alex gave himself a moment to gather himself.
Phai and Tolem were eating their lunch outside of the dining hall on the main floor on campus. It was too loud indoors and they still hadn't made much friends though neither one of them could say they were trying. It was easier for Tolem than it was for Phai because Tolem talked a lot and didn't have any insecurities. He'd speak his mind and debate anyone, anywhere, anytime. In fact, Tolem was so confident to the point, girls, especially the popular ones, had secret crushes on the nerd. Tolem could thank Cassy for that for teasing his ass all the way through middle school and high school until the day he didn't give a shit anymore. Tolem was the type of guy people would think to be socially inept and boring but had no clue that he lived a socially active life, where everyone loved him. Also having a girlfriend helped. Thais was the cool girl other girls wanted to be, with her mow-hawk and rock styled clothes, always dressing like she was going to an anime convention while giving the world the finger. They were weird and blunt together and though not a fan of Thais, Phai had to admit that they were perfect for each other.
As far as Phai goes he was still socially awkward even more than he was when he was younger. His confidence was improving though, happy that he wasn't going backwards on the whole growing up, maturity thing. It didn't matter if he was so damn good looking or if people assumed he was part of the jock group with his athletic build, he was still not comfortable with himself as a whole which he had to work on. He also never took what people had to say at face value, always being the distrusting type. However, with all of his own insecurities still going hard, he was treated in college differently than he was in middle school and high school. In middle school he was bullied because he was timid and lanky and dressed like he was poor. And having hair to his ass didn't help. He looked very girly, so the boys, young and dumb, naturally picked him apart. Then high school came and it was surprisingly a lot less intimidating. He had admirers he never knew about and he wasn't bullied because he was part of the football team. Everyone knew who he was because everyone knew who Alex and Cassy were. Phai was always hanging around Alex and Cassy was always hanging around Phai, so he was popular by default. Of course jokes about his looks and sexuality came into play but they were harmless. Also, Phai was so focused and busy with Alex he wouldn't have cared anyway. Not to mention the only bullies were in his actually group of friends, mostly Cassy, Phil, and Crater. And he could never leave out the biggest bully of all, Roxanne and her stupid friends. In college, it was much more competitive but the students seemed to mind their own business, like a city street in New York, where everyone just passed each other with their heads down. They were too busy to gossip, only focused on their future. Phai had no clue what anyone thought because he didn't meet anyone and he preferred it that way. In fact, it was incredibly relieving.
Then there was Alex. And nothing could be said about Alex other than the fact that he had always been so hell bent on destroying himself. Then when it came to his social life he never had to work hard to get people to like him. He was popular but not in the sense that he engaged in the popularity. People found him likable, friendly and trustworthy but he never gained status to influence others. He was a rarity, a genuine one at that and people love what they can't have because Alex was always unavailable. But on the flip side of that, Alex was a recluse. Even in the events that he'd be hanging out with his fiends, he'd be the quiet one. Phai spoke more than him and Phai was far more anti-social. Alex was at times too good to be true while at the same time being a dysfunction mix of attitudes and behaviors. Interesting to say the least but Phai was worried that Alex would turn into a cocky motherfucker like Cassy and Darian. He was growing to be defiantly bold and outspoken lately. Like he's been hurt before and didn't care what the world had to say about it.
Phai looked up just because it was human nature to look around. He saw Darian through the glass and he quickly turned away pretending he didn't see him. He grunted, thinking he didn't do it out loud and Tolem stopped what he was doing and just looked at him from over his laptop. Phai looked annoyed.
Tolem and Phai were at least lucky to be going to school together even though they were in different dorms. The others were accepted in the same university but at different campuses. Their majors were a little more specified and vocational versus central. Phai and Tolem had a lot of the same courses because their majors were fairly similar. Both of their projects consisted of a lot of technical writing and speaking and reading up on the fundamentals of human action. But at the moment Phai couldn't focus. He was on his laptop with one ear piece in trying to do his research but was distracted by the other bullshit in his head, meanwhile Tolem went back to typing up his 2000 word About Me paper. Phai looked up this time at his friend. He admired that about Tolem, he just didn't get bothered by things or let things stress him, not like there was much to stress about at the moment. Summer school was far less intense than the Spring and Fall semester because most students were home, or on vacation for the summer. But then again, Tolem's soulmate wasn't the ever so challenging Alex.
"Shouldn't these people be taking advantage of summer break. It's called break for a reason."
Tolem looked at him funny. "Should that include us?
Phai didn't respond, just giving him a deadpan shrug.
"I knew it." Tolem said while snickering.
"Knew what?" Phai's normal response was to frown.
"Somethings wrong. You only bitch and moan about little stuff when something bigger is annoying you. What's wrong?"
"Nothing." Phai said and went back to reading.
Tolem being nosy, wanting to get to the root of the problem, looked around and solved it instantly. "Oh, I see."
Phai glared. "See what?"
"Darian."
"What about him?"
"He's the problem, right?"
"No."
"Sure." That's all Tolem said and went back to typing.
Phai rolled his eyes and leaned in as if to keep things quiet between them. "You don't like him?"
Tolem shrugged. "Not a fan. What about you? Do you like him?"
Phai scoffed. "Yea, he's cool. I guess."
"But?"
"But what?"
"There's always a but." Tolem sent a small laugh. "And you know what but I'm talking about."
Phai rolled his eyes again. "You love bringing that shit up."
Tolem chuckled. "I mean how disrespectful is it to bring a gift like that on your birthday knowing you have a boyfriend?" He pointed out.
"I gave it back to him. Can we drop it?"
"Oh come on, Phai. Darian likes you."
"He has a girlfriend."
"Which means jack shit. You don't find him irresistibly charming? Your parents think he's a hoot."
Phai leaned back with an annoyed huff. "I mean, yea, he is but he's literally charming all the time. It gets old. Cassy does that shit too, where he's just one way all the time and he's like somehow proud of it and content that he'll always be the same way, no matter what."
Tolem laughed but it was agreeable. "So what you're saying is that Alex is the only one who can manage charm the right way?"
"Exactly." Phai smiled.
Tolem noticed the slight blush in Phai's face. "Aw, it's so adorable that you're defending your man when he isn't here. And you still light up thinking about him. Man, I thought your honeymoon phase would have died when Alex became frustrating."
Phai laughed at the remark. It was true, Alex was beyond frustrating but that's what made Alex Alex. Poor Alex. He was a strange human being. Almost to pure for the world, because like a child, he never means any harm. In truth, he just didn't understand himself.
"Speaking of Alex have you heard from him yet? Was Bucephalus found?" Tolem asked only knowing partial details.
"I'm not sure. I've been trying to call him all day and still nothing."
"Yea, he hasn't responded to our Happy Birthday texts either."
Phai sighed. He picked up his phone stared at it for a long minute and when no incoming calls or texts came through he dropped his phone back where it was. "I swear he loves knowing that he stresses me out."
"Maybe he's not in the mood today. I know I wouldn't be."
Phai knew what Tolem meant. That Alex no longer wanted a birthday because death surrounds his birthdays. It was a perfectly reasonable thought but it didn't put Phai at any ease. Tolem could see the instant sadness in Phai's face. Alex was a touchy topic for him so Tolem left to go get them something to drink, giving Phai some little alone time. But with Tolem being gone and Phai being left exposed and available it was always an invitation for Darian to come try to make friendly conversation with him, especially when he wasn't in the mood. To Phai's luck he felt relieved when Darian just smiled and waved and left with his buddies. But with the worst luck he was bothered by somebody else.
"Is that you, Phai?" He heard a non-familiar voice address him by name from behind. The man came around the table so that Phai didn't have to turn to him. He was wearing ripped jeans, plaid button up, converse and a red trucker hat. Phai didn't recognize him and looked very confused. "Long time no see, how you been?"
"Do I know you from somewhere?" Phai asked as if his whole day was ruined because of it. He wasn't as polite as he used to be. People took advantage of it. Thinking he was soft and delicate.
"We met in school. Lively Rivers in Cali? Charter School."
"I don't remember you." He said.
"It's me, Matt." The man aimed at himself. "We weren't in the same classes but I helped my dad in gym."
Phai regretted remembering and suddenly grew uncomfortable. Most bad things happened to him in gym. Matt was the son of the coach who would molest Phai and other boys. At the time, at that age, it seemed all in good fun. Phai didn't know that during the time. He just went with the flow. He didn't remember how he felt. Blocking it out for so many years. Trauma came back, but not the memories. If he remembered correctly, Matt wasn't so good either so why was he acting all nice. Phai found nice men suspicious.
"Yea, Matt. Hi."
"How are things with you? You look good." Said the man who appeared saintly but if only the rest of the crowd knew.
"Just studying." Phai cleared his throat, the universal sign that he was tense and on edge and wanted to abort the conversation.
"Yea, college, it's a huge step. Beautiful school though. Never thought I'd make it in. I'm actually not full time here just taking a few summer classes. How are you liking it so far?"
"It's very crowded and claustrophobic." Phai replied but Matt wasn't getting the hint that Phai wanted him gone. But then again Phai had always kept conversations sweet and short.
"But hopefully everyone is treating you okay."
"I've always been treated pretty good. I have nothing to complain about." Said Phai dismissively.
"Yea, man, you were treated better than most." The man chuckled. "There was always something about you that people liked."
Phai didn't know what that meant or how he meant it. It came off patronizing considering what they've been through, he should have chosen better words. So he said nothing and put back in both ear phones and went back to reading what was on the screen of his laptop.
Matt knew he probably triggered something just by the silence he received but he wasn't so sure he had said something that was offensive. "Um, did I say something wrong?" Matt continued to ask but Phai ignored him.
Matt looked around feeling embarrassed by the silence and then thought to apologize immediately. He touched Phai's arm, which was a bad move because it did get Phai's attention. "Look, I didn't mean it like that. My pops is still locked away if that makes you feel better. I'm not like him. You don't have to treat me like I am."
"Like what?" Phai was pissed now as he ripped the earphones out. "How am I treating you?"
"Like I'm my dad. I'm not. And I'm glad he's gone and out of my life."
"But you were. You were exactly like him. The only difference was that you did what you did because you had some sick thing going on in your head that your dad favored me over you. But you never bullied the other kids who were also molested by him. Infact you probably joined in on it because it gave you a hard on for some reason. So I got the worst of both fucking worlds. Thank you for that, because I can tell you right now it didn't end just there. My entire life, I've been surrounded by sickos like you and your dad so if you would kindly get the fuck out of my face, I would appreciate that very much."
Matt shifted nervously. "I don't think your remembering correctly."
"I remember perfectly. I wanted to forget. I did forget but now because of you reminding me that you still exist, I remember again."
"I'm sorry, Phai, I shouldn't have said that. I didn't know you still felt that way."
"I feel all types of ways. What you should do is apologize if you mean it or just walk away if you don't."
"I really am sorry." Matt was sorry. He looked sorry but Phai was just in a bad mood overall, especially with Alex not calling him back.
"No, Matt, I'm sorry that your dad neglected you for other boys but understand that you didn't help and it made it worse for a lot of us."
Phai stared him down when Matt couldn't figure out the next thing to say to make things right. But nothing could have made it right so he had just wasted his time and Phai's.
"Sorry to bother you." Matt said before leaving. He rushed out of there like a boy who had just wet his pants and Phai then glared at the students who were looking over at him having heard the conversation. They also quickly turned away. Tolem came back looking like he had missed something important, something intense. Teens were staring, some dude just scurried off and Phai was there with the most fowl look on his face.
"What happened? I was gone for three minutes." Said Tolem.
"Ten minutes, Tols. You were gone for ten minutes."
Tolem sat down and slipped Phai over a big water bottle. "Who was that guy?"
"He's one of the kids who used to bully me. I think he was trying to apologize."
"Did you accept his apology?"
"Nope." Phai put back in his earphones, turned up his music and went back to his schoolwork.
Tolem was surprised. Phai was the most on edge he's seen him but he wasn't going to ask anymore unsuitable questions. He tapped the space bar and went back to typing his own paper.
The Journey Home, Gedrosian Desert
The king slept. He slept hard as if he never had a day of sleep in his life. Hephaistion had done what he promised and brought Alexander back safe and sound. He tucked him in, like a baby, and tired himself, collapsed on the ground in front of the kings tent. He just slept there, not feeling worthy to sleep at the kings side. He didn't cover up or tuck himself in, not deserving of that either. He was flat on his back, with one leg straight and the other one bent, breathing harshly as if his body was deciding whether to give up on him. His eyes reached above the cold skyline that went straight through the sharp desert hills and there was no good air to take in. His head was spiraling like he had been the drunk and he couldn't move from the spot as if tied to the sands. He slept there through the remainder of the night then awoken to shouts and swords sparking, when the red sun rose.
Phai had waited for Alex to call and then he realized a half a day flew by in minutes, even more swiftly than the days he had been without Alex. And Alex still hadn't called. So to get rid of the thought that something bad had happened to him he went to go for a swim to kill time. Normally that's how it worked, let your mind wander elsewhere until the thing you want comes to you. Sort of like being in denial.
But aside from desperately waiting for a call from Alex, it was a good day for a swim though any day in the scorching all-year-round heat was a good day for a swim but today was a really good day for a swim. It was therapeutic for him. It helped him relax. It was his go to activity when he was feeling stressed or depressed or unlike himself. It was good alone time, though he was never really alone. Some people had healthy release and others had bad release. Alex. Alex had bad release. And just like that his thoughts shifted back to the one he was trying not to dwell on. He came up to the edge of the pool thinking maybe this wasn't the best time for a swim. He couldn't focus and he had only done five laps. Normally five laps were easy for him, done in minutes but this time it felt like a chore like he was trying to make ends meet. That's when he knew his anxiety was getting a hold of him. Phai took a couple of breaths before looking back at the open water. He had never properly prepared himself for the day and it was catching up to him now. What a crappy but perfect time to get overly emotional. His sadness would blend with the pool but his body remained immobile as he clung to the rail as if paralyzed by the thought that Alex was dead and or dying and if not dead, will be and probably soon. The two have talked about it out loud plenty of times before but the horror of it had just now struck him, like getting your throat cut during a peaceful sleep. As other students entered the pool, waves from their movement nudged up against him as if to remind him that he was still in a public place. Phai looked around at the new arrivals hoping they weren't judging him for looking like a little kid traumatized by water. But at least it helped him get back in the groove. He went back under water.
But since he's been thinking about fate, fate seemed to come knocking on a different door this time. He kept mistakenly running into the same person as if their schedule was the exact same, like they were meant to meet up. Everywhere he looked, everywhere he was, Darian was feet away. His new neighbor was swimming in the lap side of the pool with another group of people. Phai guessed it was part of the recreational summer program. He guessed he should have checked the swimming schedule surprised himself he hadn't signed up.
Darian gave him a causal wave with a casual smile before dipping under the water. Phai forgot to wave and smile back though he thought he did. Maybe this was doom, fates less than forgiving brother. When he had met Alex, the sad eyed blonde had fate written all over him. He looked as if he'd probably remain unconquered all the way to the end of his days. But Phai had known Alex for five years now but still nothing about him could be easily explained. In the beginning, when Phai and Alex started to talk, it was natural and unexpected. Darian, on one hand, seemed like he had fate wrapped around his finger, in charge of it instead of being taken by it. He was that sure of himself and people liked that about him. Phai liked that about him. He was a friendly guy who knew what he wanted. Alex, on the other hand, had the worst of it. Even though Darian was the charming, poised and intelligent type, he didn't have nearly the amount of craze surrounding him that Alex did. People were obsessed with Alex. Why did everyone like Alex? Why did everyone hate him? Why did everyone want to control him? Unlike anyone else, Phai was privileged with the gift to comprehend Alex on a deeper level but even he couldn't figure it out. He loved him unconditionally to the point he'd drop everything for him but he could never relate to him. What made Alex so damn special? They could see it, sense it, but they couldn't explain it, stumped by it. It was like trying to explain a phenomena or miracle that scientists can't even understand themselves but would sell their souls to know.
The thing about me, about the king, I allowed myself to be ruled by the fates, by the threads that run through my veins. By 21, I was already named successor by my father but who would accept me once my father was dead? No one. Try living your entire life being wanted. Try living your entire life being rejected by the same people who called claim to me. All throughout my royal career it had been planted in my head that I was born immaculate and divine. It sounds like a good thing but what about the part where it makes me inhumane? Being told, before I was even a fetus, that I was a savior or destroyer made me a monster in the eyes of those who were born ordinary. I came with the extremities of being the son of Zeus. What if one day you woke up and you looked at yourself and you didn't look normal. No one was impressed. I wasn't man enough, so my mom cradled and cuddled me from the world and my dad mocked me and offered me no protection from the laughter of it. I was born with deformities, a curved spine, a twisted neck as if I'm always glaring down at you, two different eye colors, one as piercing as a lighting bolt and one as dark as the pit of Hades. I smiled with four canines that were sharper than the rest of my other teeth. It was another reason Callista always called me a vampire aside from me hiding away in a dark home by myself, being estranged and barely stepping foot into the light, my own light because I own the sun. And I smelt good for some reason. I sweated a sweet scent. I was a fucking abomination that came with a temper hotter than any fire and when they saw it, my mom would hide me away. Then I proved everyone wrong. But that didn't make me any more human. Everyone said I was too human. I didn't think I was human enough so I put the notion to rest and I allowed the goddesses to weave right through me. I was surrounded by supernatural priests and forces who performed rituals and foretold my futures until I was feared by it, until I made it a reality. My mother was a gypsy, a witch, and she swore on it. Swore on me. She swore I was capable of making a burning world rain upward. But because of my ever so glorious yet harrowing destiny, my mind was destroyed. It broke and warped and divided. I became two people. A boy as sweet as pie and a man the gods had given up on. But there was no turning back. That wasn't part of the fucked up plan the gods had in place for me. They had a worse fate in mind and it was in the cycle of destruction repeating itself until it no longer hurt. I made a deal with the devil. I made a deal with the King. The King of me.
Phai didn't have time to accomplish another thought before he caught Darian looking over at him again. The light, glaring through the glass windows that took up the entire facility, landed on the bright chest nut eyes of the watchful teen. He was hanging on the side of the pool chatting with the same friends who Phai had never met or wanted to meet. One of their names was Bes but that's all he knew. They were laughing about something and giving Phai glances and uninviting smirks even though Darian didn't seem to be interested in there company, still distracted by Phai. Phai was used to being mocked. Alex's friend were complete assholes when he first met them but Phai thought maybe they were laughing at him because he was caught staring off into space or maybe Darian had told them something about him. It was obvious now, after the gift Darian had given Phai, that Darian admired him but since Phai turned it down, maybe Darian was upset about it and planted false information in the heads of his friends. Then he thought it didn't matter what they were laughing at or looking at. It was probably typical locker room talk between guys. Phai finished his swim. He hopped out, took his white towel, and left.
He went straight back to his dorm, threw his shit down and collapsed on his small bed. He was proud of himself because he rested his eyes for a couple of minutes before rolling over to where his phone was charging on the night stand. Just as he expected, Alex hadn't called. He thought of everything horrible that could have happened to the point he stressed himself out. He stressed himself out to the point where he thought to call Alex's mom. He wouldn't even know how that discussion would go. He didn't have to worry about it anymore because it didn't happen. He then wanted to call Barsine but didn't have her number. He would have tried social media but that would have seemed too extreme. But then again he was probably thinking too hard about it and Alex was probably just fine. So he showered and brushed his teeth instead and stayed up the rest of the remaining hours of the night and wondered if this is what Alex felt with no sleep. Worrying and thinking all the time. Constantly. Without a break. The feeling was the worst feeling in the world. It was a wonder Alex hadn't killed himself yet being tortured in such a way. He'd be sad to see him go but he wouldn't blame him for it. Then he started to feel bad that he even had a thought like that. It was almost 12 AM and Alex's birthday would be over. He heard a knock on the door and Phai, for some reason thought it would be Alex, jumped up from his bed and rushed to open the door but it was only Darian. Of course he'd arrive when Phai was the most distressed. His smile slowly died and Darian didn't take it personal.
"Sorry." Darian said with a cheery smile. "Were you expecting someone else?"
Phai quickly tried to put on a face that didn't give him away so damn much. It was a difficult thing for him to do. "Hey." He cleared his throat but his emotions weren't dying down, not the way he wanted them too.
"You alright?" Darian gave a concerned frown. He was dressed as if he was going somewhere. Wearing a leather jacket a nice shirt that framed him well and fresh new jeans. Probably a party or something. That's all the cool kids did in college, was party.
"Yea. I'm good." Phai said as he habitually couldn't figure out what to do with his hands and ended up placing them in his pajama pant pockets. "What are you doing here?" He then asked.
"Can I come in?" Darian asked politely. With a tone you couldn't say no to.
Darian was always composed and sure of himself, so yea, I was jealous. Where I was lead by emotion, angry and intent, Darian was very good at making me look like the lesser man. Like an unstable reject. Darian knew what he wanted. I thought I knew what I wanted. He knew that in order to win over Phai he had to be charming and responsible and understanding and patient and loving. You know, the perfect guy. He aimed to be the very guy I was meant to be. Phai always only wanted a good man and if he couldn't have that good man, he wanted no one and was okay with living life without us. Our ancient parts, Darius wasn't as confident as me. In fact he underestimated my pristine ability to outmatch every opponent. I was so confident in who I was, that it was controversial among the men. But I produced results. Great ones and I had not a single doubt. I just knew. If only I could be that way for Phai in this life.
Phai looked over at the empty bed of his roommate and thought, sure. He knew that he was just trying to be friendly so he stepped aside and allowed him to enter. After Phai's birthday, Darian hopefully now knew the limit of being too friendly. But he was a nice guy so Phai chose not to be a jerk.
"Where's your roommate?"
"I'm not sure. He's never really around. He spends a lot of time with family."
"Must be nice having a room to yourself. I have to share with four rowdy guys."
Phai had no problem with it because he loved his privacy. He would soon upgrade to an apartment style housing and move in with Tolem but they had to wait until they were at least sophomores. "They're' your friends though, right?"
Darian smiled, something that was normal for him, reading between the lines. "Yea, they are. Look, I hope you didn't feel uncomfortable at the pool earlier. They didn't mean any harm."
"What makes you think I cared about that?" On a good day, Phai usually kept conversations with people short, not because he wasn't interested in what they had to say, but because he feared that one question that would put him in an awkward situation. Then he had to think for one silly second that maybe Communications wasn't the right major for him after all. On a bad day, such as today, he felt inclined to be a little confrontational.
"You left in a hurry so I assumed that's what it was. They weren't talking about you. Not in the way you think they were."
"Is that supposed to be relieving?"
"No, just assuring." Darian said with a pleased expression. "They like you. They're just not sure how to approach you." Darian slipped in more and Phai kept the door open hoping this would be an in and out conversation. The dark haired teen just looked at Phai, not really knowing what to say because Phai looked in a mood. "I wanted to stop by to make sure that things are good between us. That's all."
"Things are fine. I've been busy."
Darian wasn't going to accept that response. "You can be honest with me, Phai. You've been standoffish around me lately. Even earlier today during lunch and then at the pool. I waved to you and you didn't look happy about it."
Phai didn't know what to even say back. He knew he was keeping his distance but he didn't know he was being a dick.
"Can you tell me what I did wrong so that I can fix it?"
"We resolved it already. There's nothing more we need to fix." Phai said dishonestly.
Darian knew what he was talking about. He nodded. "Then why do I feel like it's still unresolved?"
Phai sighed and finally looked him in the eyes like a man. "Why did you give me that gift for my birthday? What made you think that was something that I wanted from you?"
"It was a mistake but it wasn't supposed to be anything serious."
"But we didn't talk about why. I want to know why. You gave it to me in private. That's pretty serious."
"It was wrong of me to do that. I just wanted to make you happy."
"I was happy that day. I was really happy. Everyone acknowledged how happy I was on my birthday except for you. What told you that I needed cheering up?"
"It was never about that day. It was about all the days before that."
"It was very thoughtful of you but it wasn't a good idea and I need you to never do that again. If Alex had found out about that, you and I would have had a very, very bad day."
"It was an inappropriate gift and it was in bad taste. I could see why it looked bad but I promise there wasn't any intention behind it. We're friends, Phai. That's it. I apologize if you took it the wrong way."
Phai gave a look, like the one when you give to someone who threatens your existence. He looked angry, confused and sad, all while staying as composed as possible. "I didn't take anything the wrong way. You knew what you meant by that. So how about you just admit why you gave it to me in the first place." He said.
Darian did his best not to upset Phai more so he finally confessed to him after minutes of keeping quiet. "If I said I liked you more than I should, would that be a problem?"
They both looked uncomfortable but Darian seemed the most uncomfortable, with his hands balled tightly in his jacket pockets awaiting Phai's response. However Darian underestimated how much devotion Phai had for the blonde man. The blue eyes turned as cold as ice, like he was ready to let it all out. Phai would stand his ground for Alex even if it meant that he was up against the world. He paraded for him. Cheered for him. He was Alex's number one fan so why would he allow anyone to come between that. Why would he ever allow Alex to get hurt again. Alex wasn't going to stick up for himself so someone had to.
"Yes. It would be a problem. I'm not looking and you know that. Also, you have a girlfriend. Did you forget about her?"
"We're uh, going through something right now." Darian shifted, looking guilty about something. "And it was probably my fault."
"I'm sorry," said Phai, genuinely. "But I'm not the right person who can help with that."
"Look, I only came to you because I thought we had something going on." Darian admitted. "If I had known, trust me, I would have kept my feelings to myself. I misread you, that's all. This was a mistake. I'm sorry, I feel like an idiot. I shouldn't have come."
Phai sighed, not meaning to come off so uninviting and aggressive. "I'm sorry. I've been acting like an asshole all day. I just don't know what you were expecting from me but I would never just drop Alex, not for you, not for anybody. When and if Alex fucks up and we're no longer together, you won't be the one I come running to. No one will be the one I come running to. We've known each other for less than a year and just because you're next door now and we go to the same school and our parents are getting along doesn't mean that we should be together. It seems convenient but it's not. And I doubt that I have it in me to fall for someone else. I would have felt something for you by now, but I don't. I'm sorry."
"You have the wrong idea about me, Phai. I don't want to come between you and Alex. I'm not here to take you from him."
"Good. Because Alex doesn't deserve that. You are allowed to have feelings for me but you have to respect the fact that I don't want them."
Darian stepped in closer to him, casting a shadow over Phai's flawless face, staring deeply into the cold blue eyes. "Are you afraid to fall for someone else?"
"Not at all." Phai answered confidently looking up into the warm ones. "I've always been told that I can get anyone I want if I try and I have him already."
"Does he make you happy?" Darian said looking him over, just waiting for the sign that told him everything he needed to know to make his next move.
Phai tensed up as Darian got closer, leaving him with no space between them. "That topic is off limits because it's bigger than both you and me. You'll never understand how he makes me feel."
Darian smiled. "I can see why Alex loves you but you wanting nothing to do with me isn't going to change how I feel about you. I still like you, Phai. I will try my hardest to keep my feelings to myself out of respect for your relationship but I can't promise you that I won't slip up. When you love someone, you'll want it bad." Darian then pulled back and before Phai could process what to say next they were interrupted by the one person Darian didn't want to see and who Phai did. Phai looked passed Darian. Alex was standing by the door with flowers in his hand, that looked like they were plucked from random gardens. He was looking lost and awkward and hesitant.
Phai had no words, entranced that Alex was there and Darian knew he had to leave. "We'll talk later." He said to Phai before turning to Alex. "Hey, we were just talking about you. Happy Birthday, Alex." He didn't mean it but said it in such a nice way that no one will ever know. The blonde said nothing to him. He wasn't there for him. He was there for Phai. He just somewhat looked at him and then looked away.
Darian finally left and Phai kept staring at Alex, not knowing what Alex was thinking. Usually he was good at reading his thoughts but this time, he had no read on him. He felt he needed to say that it wasn't what it looked like after Alex walked in and closed the door but Alex was preoccupied and didn't even ask about why Darian was there. He didn't even seem to care about it and didn't bring it up.
The blonde began looking around faintly, looking anxious and disturbed but he was the visitor so he knew he had to say something first. "Um, these are for you." He said once clearing his throat.
Phai slowly took the bundle of flowers that were handed to him. He looked down at them and then smelt them. They smelt incredibly fresh and not the grocery store type of fresh. "Did you steal these?"
Alex didn't say anything and Phai glared at him but it was a sweet glare. He sort of loved the fact that Alex would go out of his way to steal him something so easily obtained. All he thought was why Alex was giving him flowers on his own birthday. Alex looked rough and drunk and twitchy and maybe on drugs. Phai couldn't tell anymore. "Are you alright?"
"My phone died."
Phai nodded. It was a universal excuse for why someone would leave someone hanging but he believed Alex. Alex wouldn't lie about that. He knew what excuses he could get away with Phai and none existed. Phai was too clever for him.
"I have to get a new phone, it's..." Alex stopped, getting that Phai must have been upset with him. Also Alex was a minimalist meaning he didn't care about phones and technology or the next best thing on the market. He was definitely an old soul. He could live with nothing and survive somehow.
Alex then behaved in the worst way thinking that would make up for it. He came up to Phai and kissed him. Phai did kiss him back but it wasn't because that's what he desired. Then Alex hurried to unbutton and unzip his own jeans but he couldn't seem to get it down. He also couldn't seem to get hard which was frustrating him even more.
Phai watched Alex patiently as he struggled. It was sad to watch. Clumsy like his father but passionate like his mother. When Phai realized it wasn't going to happen, he gently stopped him. "Alex, we don't have to do this now."
"You don't want to?" Alex said insecurely like he had done something wrong.
"I would love to just not now." Phai said. "Besides, you're drunk, it's why you're having a hard time getting it up and that's perfectly normal. We can talk instead. I want to make sure that you are alright."
Alex nodded but kept his head down. Phai knew something wasn't right other than that Alex was clearly inebriated. He made the blonde look up at him after helping him button his jeans back up. "Alex, what's wrong?"
"I found her."
Phai waited for better news than that.
"She was hit by a car and I rushed her to the vet. They told me she would be fine and I can take her home eventually. But they always say that. Then I left and..." Alex stopped his ranting, catching on on how fast he was talking. But no matter how hard it was for him to finish, he owed it to Phai. He owed Phai an explanation. "I should have called you back."
"Alex, it's alright." Phai started to feel bad for having pressured him about.
"It doesn't matter."
Phai hugged Alex. He held him like the moon holds the sun. "Bucephalus will be okay." That's all Alex needed to hear and sometimes all he needed was a hug. Phai released him and felt Alex's hair and then his face, looking into him knowing something else wasn't being said. He was super pale and super cold. Freezing. "How did you get here? Did you drive?"
"I'm drunk, Phai, not stupid. I caught a flight."
"Are you on drugs?" He tried looking Alex in the eyes but the blonde was making it difficult. He didn't want Phai to look into him. Finally, Phai kept him steady.
"I took some Benadryl." Alex said.
"With alcohol?"
Alex nodded. "I was trying to sleep. And it didn't work. So I'm a little flighty and delirious. And I know what you're going to say."
"What am I going to say?" Phai asked.
"That I'm stupid and I love doing what's harmful to me."
"No. I was going to say that I'm glad you are here with me and not alone."
Now Alex felt bad for getting it wrong. Phai would never call him stupid even if he did do stupid things.
"Were you trying to surprise me on your own birthday?" Phai gave him a little sly grin.
"It's no longer my birthday. I just wanted to see you."
Phai looked up at the clock on the wall. It was 12:01. A new summer day and his smile died. Alex's life really was prearranged. It made him sad the more he thought about it. He looked away and back at Alex. It made him even more sad looking at him.
Phai reached out to Alex who thought couldn't get close, or shouldn't. "It's okay, Alex. I'm not mad."
"You should be. If I were you, I'd be mad at me. It's really easy for me to fuck up but I'm trying to do better."
"I'm not mad and I'm not going to be. Today I got to experience what is was like to go through the pain of restlessness and I only had to suffer through it for one day. What you go through...I'm sorry. I'm so sorry that it has to be you."
Alex took Phai's hand that was waiting for him and they both sat on Phai's bed together. "You know you're my best friend, right?" Alex said as if he was confessing on his last days.
"And you're mine." Phai replied knowing where Alex's heart was at. He could hear it. It was ready to explode.
"And I love you even if it may not seem like it at times."
"I know you do. I have never not felt loved by you. Not once. Relax with me." Phai whispered, knowing that Alex needed to calm down especially with the pace his heart was going so he guided him and Alex laid his head in Phai's lap and Phai allowed his fingers to stroll through his hair after they got comfortable against the soft pillows of the bed.
"My mom thinks that I killed her dad." Alex finally said.
Phai paused his strokes, not understanding what he just heard. He blinked in confusion. "Is your grandpa dead, Alex?"
"He died after I got home from dropping Bucephalus off. I was so angry that I went inside and I threatened him and he threatened me and I don't know what happened from there. He hit me and then he just died."
Phai was surprised by the news. People really do die on his birthday. "Alex, why didn't you mention that when you got here?"
"Because I thought you'd leave me or be afraid or...I don't know what I thought. I should probably stop thinking. My brain fucking hurts."
"Is your mom okay? Are you okay?" Phai was truly worried.
Alex smiled a bit. "Only you would be concerned for people who don't deserve it. She called me a monster and fled to her room. I didn't know how to cheer her up. I knew I wouldn't say the right things and even if I did, she wouldn't want to hear it. He died of a heart attack but they think I set it off because I overwhelmed him."
"She knows you didn't do it, Alex. She's mourning and needs someone to take her anger and sadness out on. She lost her husband, her dad and the only one left for her to lose is you and she's scared." When it came to Alex, Phai knew exactly what she was feeling. They were both terrified of losing him.
"They want me to see someone." Alex mentioned.
"Like a therapist?"
"Not just any therapist, a psychotherapist. Apparently I'm long overdue for another chat with an imperfect human telling me how imperfect I am. Apparently I'm the one with the problem and everyone else around me are fully engaged in healthy and normal behaviors. Cassy can fuck Roxanne to get back at me for nothing I did wrong and I'm supposed to be okay with it. My own mom manipulates me into thinking she's the only one who could ever love me and I'm supposed to be okay with it. Roxanne can accuse me of choking her in-front of the whole fucking school and I'm supposed to be okay with it. I'm supposed to love and forgive my dad who died having barely accepted me for me. I'm supposed to put trust in my friends who talk behind my back. I'm supposed to be okay with people trying to take you from me because they don't think I'm deserving of you. Now, I have people I don't even know telling me that I need to seek help because my grandpa decided to take my dog from me without my fucking permission, left her on the street to die...and I'm supposed to be okay with that. I've been okay with people taking from me my entire fucking life. I might be pissed off but I don't kill people. I didn't kill him, Phai. I hated him but I didn't kill him. I didn't know what to do. I swear. So I just stared at him because I couldn't move or think because I thought it was my fault." Tears broke free from the blonde but Phai didn't need convincing and knew to end it there before Alex went crazy thinking about it.
He couldn't believe all of this happened in less than 24 hours. He couldn't believe that all of it was still nagging at him. It made sense though, because Alex was always calm and forgiving about it in the past, to calm and to forgiving but one could only accept so much betrayal. Speaking of betrayal, Phai felt he betrayed Alex by not recognizing that these issues had still been lingering at the back of his mind. Of course Alex would be pissed off. He had every right to be. Phai was pissed off for him but knew it wouldn't get him anywhere by addressing it now. It would only make it worse. Phai was a strong believer that holding the bad thoughts in consumed a weak heart and that's how villains were made and he didn't want Alex to become a villain. But what a terrible life he was already living. No amount of manifestation could make it better.
"Okay, let's do something that we're good at. We're going to stop talking and we're going to lay down and we're not going to think about the bad things for a couple of hours. We're just going to lay here and relax. You can concentrate on me and I'll concentrate on you. How's that?"
Alex nodded and they both got comfortable and faced each other. Alex smiled, something about looking at Phai gave him a burst of triumph. Like he was out poured by his beauty.
"I wish you could dream." Said Phai snuggling close to the blonde while removing the old tears from the mismatched eyes.
"The dreamers exhaust us." Said Alex. "They must die before they kill us with their blasted dreams."
No one has ever believed in my dreams. That's the truth of my life. I was most alone when I was with the myths. Only Hephaistion believed in me. And I was most at peace knowing that he was by my side.
The morning came and it was an odd day and Phai wanted me to forget all about it. It felt like I was in the part of Indie film right before the climax which was always way more unsettling than watching the bomb actually going off. I just had a bad feeling and it wasn't about my untimely death.
Before the sun rose, Phai took me places. He ditched school for me because he would do anything for me. It wasn't the first time he's ditched for me or the last. He decided that we needed some fresh air and he was right. Though nauseous, I felt lighter. I felt like I could breath again. My heart wasn't so heavy and my lungs were open wide but I was still not my usual self and I couldn't pretend being anything else. One thing I love about Phai is that he allowed me to feel any way I felt. He didn't tell me it was wrong, he didn't tell me to get over it, he never told me that he didn't know what to do or how to help me. He'd tell me to own it and he'd give me time to own it. He knows that I struggle to manage myself and he doesn't judge me for it. He just comforts me by being present and listening. And at times, that's all I need from him. Unlike me, if something had happened to Phai, he knew and hated that I had this instant need to take the pressure off from him. I was impulsive and acted immediately. I would need to get to the bottom of it. I would need to fix it right then and there and he hated that I took on his problems when I had my own to deal with which I was barely managing to do. He only wanted me to worry about me but I wasn't good about taking care of me. Phai was good at it, so good, he could make any matter in question disappear as if they never existed. But I remember how the king burdened his lover and I remember that there were times Hephaistion couldn't do anything about it...
but...
...he gave it his all. He gave everything for me and here I am, just taking it away.
First, Phai took me to get a coffee at a gas station on the coast. It was cheap coffee but the cheaper it was, the better it worked. Sobered me up a bit. My eyes were so red, you couldn't tell the colors anymore, like I had received trauma to them by trying to pry them out but it was only caused from the drinking, the crying, the straining, the dying. But there was nothing to be ashamed about because everyone in Cali were sobering up from all sorts of consumption. May it be consumption of love, lust, pills, booze, dreams, pain, ego, sadness, loneliness, wrath, stress, depression and time. Time was the most important consumer of all. I put on sunglasses so I had something to hide behind. I was waiting outside and Phai was in the store paying for the gas. He forced me to stay outside figuring I wasn't in the mood to interact with every day people in every day life. As I was leaning against the car, sipping on my coffee and watching the numbers on the machine go up and up, a homeless guy, with a cart full of treasures found or given to him, came up to me. And for a minute or two I met the God of Time. I didn't see where he came from but it put me in instant shock as I just stared at the elderly face, with every tooth missing and cloudy eyes. He was blind but he stared right into my eyes as if he wasn't and asked what street we were on. I couldn't even feel what was left of me. His gaze had me melt away and I thought of all the lonely and sad people, more alone and more sad than me. His presence was gentle and kind so I'm not sure why it made me so uneasy. I tell the old blind man what street we were on and he smiles, thanks me, and keeps walking, taking his squeaky cart with him. I watched him until Phai came out and then I didn't see him anymore as if he wasn't even real. If that wasn't a mythic symbol for my very own vulnerability, I don't know what is, to stare into the eyes of a man who couldn't see but saw everything versus me who could see everything though nothing was ever there.
Then Phai took me on a drive. I was so out of it, I didn't even recognize the route until we arrived at the destination. He took me to the same spot I took him when I showed him the magnificence of the moon before our prom night. We sat on the edge of the boardwalk and he showed me the sun right as it lifted and I saw how far we've come.
The waves of the ocean crashed against the shore and Alex looked ahead with his usual stare of intensity.
"How are you feeling?" Phai asked after a moment of complete silence between them.
"Better." Alex said under the warm light.
Phai wasn't convinced but he accepted the answer. "Remember when you kidnapped me from school and took me here?"
Alex smiled. "Yea, you freaked out."
"You were acting different. I didn't know what to think."
"It was worth it, the look on your face. It was all worth it."
Phai chuckled. "It was." Then he turned serious and looked over at Alex. "Remember when you said that this was all for me? I was amazed. Not necessarily by just the moon but I was amazed that you knew me so well that you'd take me hours away from home, away from the life I knew, just to make sure I saw it and didn't miss it. Now I want you to look at that."
They both looked up while the sun made the ocean glisten. It was overwhelming and just as mystical as its running lover.
The blonde removed his sunglasses. His eyes shifted with the running clouds. "Are you saying that I'm obnoxious?"
"You can be." Phai laughed which made Alex laugh. "But no, I'm not saying that at all. I'm saying that I have my job cut out for me. I'm saying that you are far bigger than the moon, bigger than I will ever be. I'm saying that you are my sunshine and that I don't want day to ever break. No matter how much shit you go through, you might think you are this bad person in your head, but you're good in mine."
Phai caught Alex shake his head. "I should have called you back." It was still beating him up. "I wasn't thinking."
"You went through something traumatic, Alex."
"It didn't have to be that bad if I had just called you before it happened. You would have told me to go straight to my room, to not pick a fight. You would have told me to go for a walk instead of engage with him. You would have told me to wait until I was calm and ready. But I didn't call because I didn't want to be told anything by anyone."
Phai looked hesitant not knowing how to bring up the next thing on his mind but Alex knew exactly what the question would be based on Phai's body language and the darkening of his eyes, like an immediate eclipse. The brunette had looked down while playing with his hands after seeing how sorry Alex looked. Alex nodded not allowing Phai to go through the struggle of asking. They were both on the same page. They had to be. Phai knew what would happen next. Alex's plans on moving back were now delayed.
"I will still be around." It hurt Alex to say.
"I understand, Alex. Your mom needs you and I know you, no matter how much you two argue, you would never leave her behind, not in the emotional state that she's in. I get it, I do. I'm not mad and you shouldn't be upset. We made things work, we got this far, so let's go further. I will wait for you."
Alex wasn't expecting Phai to be so understanding. There was a part of him that didn't want him to be. Responding now felt worse than trying to come up with nice words to say at a funeral of someone you didn't really know. But the thing was, Alex couldn't say anything because there wasn't anything to say. Saying something was faulty. And Promising. Phai had only seen Alex this calmly upset a few times. He was usually vocal and expressive about how he felt but this time he was sitting quietly under the bright blue sky looking as if nothing made sense, as if the sky and clouds were dropping above them.
A wind came and Phai's hair brushed his jawline as he waited for the blonde to say something but the words never came. So they just sat there and admired the sun. It was so big. But so far away. But the world wasn't ending and they watched the seagulls fly away.
We stayed there for half the day and after Phai took me to get a new phone because he needed me to have one. We couldn't even proceed further on unless I had a phone in my hand. It fucked with his head when I didn't call him back but he didn't just go out and say that. I could just tell. He had this sense of urgency I have never seen from him, not once. But I get why he was all wound up. It would be my luck to be in the midst of dying in an unfamiliar location while he's trying to give me a call about some good news, like graduating or getting a promotion.
I flew back home that night and I checked up on my mom who was still held up in her room snacking and drinking like a depressed pregnant woman. I told her something that helped brighten her day. I told her that I'd be staying with her a little longer. I sat beside her on the bed and snacked and drank with her, watching old classic movies together. That was the first time since I was a child that I felt close to her, on a human level. But like the life I'm living, it wasn't real enough. After she had fallen asleep, I tucked her in and I quietly left. I go to my own room and sit on the bed. I test out my new phone, his contact the first one I sync and I give Phai a call. He picks up just as I expect him to.
"Hey Phai."
"Hey Alex."
-Love, Stranger
