TRIGGER WARNINGS: drug use, suicidal ideation, mental breakdown

Chapter 40 - Betrayal

It had been a fairly standard workday for Papyrus. He had finished overseeing production of puzzle books for the morning and had just finished his lunchbreak. Now he was going over paperwork before he went down to supervise afternoon production.

He did have a headache, but that wasn't unusual—he always got one when he'd been reading too much. He would occasionally take ibuprofen if it got too bad. Generally, however, he didn't like to complain, mostly because he was already receiving accommodations for his dyslexia—namely paperwork typed in a dyslexic-friendly font, with letters twice the size of what they normally would be and double-spacing between lines. It wasn't a perfect fix—he still had a tendency to mix up letters—but it was something.

Today, though, Papyrus wondered if his headache wasn't for a different reason. Now that he was doing paperwork, which was much more boring than supervising the factory workers, he was thinking incessantly about his brother, as he had been every time his mind wasn't otherwise preoccupied the past few weeks.

Since eavesdropping on Sans' conversation with Toriel about Papyrus being abused, Papyrus had been largely avoiding him. He did the normal chores, of course—dishes and laundry and cleaning and yardwork and things—but only when he was sure Sans couldn't corner him. He wasn't entirely sure what he was afraid of. Perhaps it was the idea of being so close to getting answers, coming at the price of people dropping everything else to worry about him, to treat him like a child made of glass. Perhaps he was avoiding the frustration that would inevitably come if Sans tried to "help" him without giving him any answers.

One way or another, Papyrus had made it very clear over the past few weeks that he was not in the mood for any kind of conversation. And strangely—or perhaps not—Sans hadn't pushed it. It was likely Sans was just avoiding confrontation just like Papyrus was, but Papyrus couldn't help but feel Sans had something up his sleeve.

It wasn't long after he'd had that thought that the phone on his desk rang.

As usual, Papyrus picked up the phone after the first ring. "Hello, you've reached the desk of Papyrus Seriph! How can I help you?"

"Hey, Pap, it's me."

Papyrus didn't bother hiding his irritation. "Sans, I'm working."

"Sorry, I know. I just wanted to ask something before I forget. I feel like we've been kinda distant lately. Wondered if you wanted to go get lunch sometime next week so we could catch up. You got a free day Monday, I noticed you marked it on your calendar. Wanna try then?"

"If you want to 'catch up,' we could do that at home any afternoon." Papyrus pinched the bridge of his nose.

"Yeah, but going out to eat would make it special. Look, I know you put in a lot of effort to make money for the both of us, and you do a lot of housekeeping on top of that. I just feel kinda bad. I've made a few bucks doin' odd jobs over the past few months and I thought I'd take you out. Someplace new, maybe. Come on, whaddya say?" Sans coaxed.

Papyrus deliberated a minute. He felt somewhat suspicious of Sans' motives, but on the other hand… he was kind of tired of avoiding his brother. And Sans sounded like he really wanted to do this… to the point where Papyrus would feel bad saying no.

And honestly, he really didn't want to argue with a headache like this.

"Fine. You can pick where we go, I don't care. Next time, though, I'd really appreciate if you didn't call my work phone. I can get in trouble for taking casual calls." Papyrus hung up the phone before Sans could say anything else.

And immediately felt terrible.

Honestly, what was the matter with him? Hanging up on Sans like that? Sans wasn't likely to confront him about it, but Papyrus knew he had feelings, even if he rarely showed them. These past few weeks hadn't been very good for Papyrus, but he could hazard a guess that they hadn't been so for Sans, either.

Sometimes, Papyrus wondered if coming to the surface hadn't been some sort of mistake. In the Underground, they had never had problems… at least, not like this. Now that they were up with the humans, it was like some sort of rift had opened between them, growing larger every day, and someday it would be too large for them to cross.

Even if Papyrus wasn't happy with Sans right now, the idea of losing their friendship and being forever emotionally distant was terrifying.

So he decided on an immediate course of action.

First, he would apologize to Sans when he got home that evening. For a number of things—hanging up on him, mainly, but also for being so avoidant lately.

Second, he wouldn't complain a bit when they went to lunch next Monday. Whatever Sans wanted to know about how Papyrus was feeling, he'd tell him. Well… within reason, anyway. There were still some things Papyrus was afraid of saying out loud.

Third… he wasn't sure what would happen after that. Who knew, maybe Sans would finally end up telling him things if Papyrus showed he was emotionally mature enough. But he really couldn't make any more plans until that happened.

Alright, so he'd stick with the first two steps for now. Hopefully it would be enough to heal the rift between them, at least a bit.

Papyrus worked extra hard the rest of the day so he wouldn't have to do overtime. He carefully crafted his apology in his head on the way home, and took a deep breath as he pulled into the garage of the house.

When Papyrus came in, he found Sans lying on the couch. Strangely enough, he was not sleeping, his eye-lights following his brother as he advanced into the kitchen. He seemed… nervous.

Well, Papyrus couldn't blame him. Sans probably thought he was angry at him for something.

Papyrus dropped his briefcase on the table. "Sans, I wanted to apologize."

Sans lifted a browbone, otherwise not moving from his position. "Go on."

"Firstly, hanging up on you this afternoon was very rude of me. I had a headache, but it's really no excuse. I do appreciate that you want to spend time with me and make sure I'm alright."

Sans nodded. "It's okay, honestly, Pap. I shoulda just texted, but I was too impatient to wait for an answer right then. You didn't get in trouble?"

"No, I didn't, but yes, you should avoid making a habit of that. Just as I should avoid making a habit of hanging up on you when I'm irritated. Now, I'd also like to apologize for being so avoidant the past few weeks. I've felt…" Papyrus played around with his tie, trying to undo it as he tried to remember how he'd thought of his feelings in the car. "…strange," he ended weakly.

"Strange, how?" Sans sat up, suddenly alert.

"Oh, just… a little under the weather, I suppose," said Papyrus in a breezy voice. He pulled his tie from around his neck and tossed it on top of his briefcase. "Nothing worrisome."

"Okay." But Sans didn't lie back down. Instead he said, "Why dontcha come sit for a while? You look exhausted."

For a split second, Papyrus considered declining, but decided it would make Sans feel better if he didn't. He came over to the couch and flopped down next to his brother, leaning his head back and closing his eyes.

He jumped as cold bone touched his forehead; Sans was holding the back of his hand to it. Papyrus drew back. "What are you doing?"

"Just makin' sure you're not sick or anything," Sans muttered. "You do feel a little hot."

"Probably just my headache. I ran out of ibuprofen the other day and forgot to get a new bottle, so I haven't taken anything for it." Papyrus leaned back and closed his eyes again.

"Really? That doesn't sound like you."

"Even the Great Papyrus forgets things sometimes, Sans," said Papyrus, opening one eye to glare at him.

"Right, right." Sans didn't look at him. "You, uh… been takin' your other meds?"

"Yes," Papyrus said curtly.

"…the way you're supposed to take them?"

"Don't start that again, Sans."

Something in Papyrus's voice must have deterred Sans from taking the matter further. "Well, anyway, I've been working on dinner tonight. Chili. Toriel's recipe. It's a little spicy, but you should be okay with it."

"Chili?" Papyrus sat up. Sans making dinner wasn't entirely unusual around their household, considering Papyrus still held on to some of Undyne's old tendencies when cooking, but something like Toriel's chili had to cook all day. It was strange for Sans to put this much effort into dinner.

"Thought you might like something nice." Sans got up and shuffled into the kitchen.

Papyrus could hear Sans pull a stool up to the stove and lift the lid off a pot. Strange, indeed… again, he was suspicious of Sans' motives. But it was possible he was just tired of avoiding each other and wanted to make a peace offering. Papyrus would rather give him the benefit of the doubt.

"Not gonna be long before this is ready. You might wanna change," Sans called back.

Papyrus went up to his room and did so, sitting on the edge of his bed when he was finished. He was suddenly exhausted, even though the day had been no more taxing than any other. Probably the headache. He really needed to get some ibuprofen.

He headed over to the bathroom and swallowed two ibuprofen tablets, all the while eyeing his Percocet. He hadn't taken any of that since yesterday, and he was starting to feel the cravings. Should he go ahead and take it now, or wait until after dinner, when Sans would be less likely to notice?

Papyrus drummed his fingers on the counter. His cravings said to take it now, but, as he had a significantly lower body mass than a human, the medication would be much quicker to take effect. He really didn't want a repeat of that one time at Toriel's…

To hell with it. Papyrus took two tablets before he could change his mind. That would at least ease the worst of the cravings, and if he wanted that emotional bliss after dinner, he could just take two more.

Dinner with Sans was rather subdued. They didn't really talk, just focused on eating the hot chili, which was pretty good considering it was Sans' first time trying the recipe. Afterward, they did the dishes together, then Sans said he was going to retire for the night, even though it was barely eight.

Papyrus waited about half an hour before also going upstairs and taking two more pills as he'd planned. Then he pulled on a T-shirt and sweatpants and crawled into bed, waiting for the medication to take effect. It wasn't long before his body felt light and tingly, and he felt nothing but pure bliss as he slipped into unconsciousness.

Ω

When Monday came, things didn't start off well. For the second time in his life, Papyrus slept all the way until noon. Upon waking up, he was in a panic for a fair few minutes, believing he was incredibly late for work, until he looked at his phone and saw the reminder that he had the day off.

At that point, he was to take some pills and call it a day, but he couldn't do that. Missing lunch with Sans would make him feel bad. They hadn't talked much in the past few days since Sans had made dinner that one night. The older skeleton seemed to notice how exhausted Papyrus was and hadn't bothered him about anything. For once, Papyrus was grateful for the quiet.

Now that he was properly awake, he dressed in his battle body and made his way to the kitchen, where he found Sans at the table looking at his phone. He looked up as Papyrus came to his side, glancing over his brother's battle body with a strange look. However, he said nothing about it. "Oh, there you are," Sans said instead. "I was about to come wake you up."

"Overslept again," Papyrus muttered. Then he cleared his throat and spoke louder. "Anyway, I'm ready to go, brother. Ah… where are we going, by the way?"

"New place. I've got it in my maps app here. Let's get in the car and I'll direct you to it." Sans swallowed, as if he were anxious about something.

And suddenly, Papyrus felt very suspicious. "Can I see it?"

"Uh, the text on here is pretty tiny, bro. It'll be better if I just tell you the directions."

"Well… alright." Benefit of the doubt, benefit of the doubt, Papyrus chanted to himself. Sans could just be nervous about talking with him again when they'd been avoiding each other for so long. Goodness knew Papyrus was feeling a bit weird himself.

During the drive, Papyrus noticed something was off when Sans told him to turn in the opposite direction of downtown, where most of the restaurants were. "Where is this place?" he murmured, mostly to himself.

"It's new," Sans repeated himself, tapping his foot against the car door.

Something was definitely up.

After a few more minutes, near a different neighborhood from the one the brothers lived in, Sans told him to turn into a parking lot.

Papyrus squinted at the buildings. "Sans, this is an office complex."

"Just turn."

Papyrus did so. Maybe the restaurant was around the back of one of these buildings? But that didn't make a whole lot of sense…

As soon as Papyrus parked, Sans got out of the car and waited for Papyrus to come around to his side. Then he led him straight to one of the office buildings.

Papyrus stopped in the walkway. "Sans, is this some kind of joke?" he demanded.

Sans stopped, his hand on the door. His shoulders hunched, and then he sighed. "No."

"Then tell me why we are supposedly 'having lunch' in an office building." Papyrus had a horrible hunch as to what Sans was actually trying to do, but he wouldn't believe it until he heard it from Sans himself.

Sans turned and faced Papyrus, but didn't meet his eyes. "It's… this is… I signed us up for family therapy, okay, Pap? I think we really need this. You really need this. There's things we need to talk to each other about, and this gives a safe space to do it and a professional to help us work it out. This psychologist is also gonna help you sign up for individual therapy. I think you really need to talk to someone about—"

"I can't believe you," Papyrus hissed.

The pure poison in his voice stop Sans dead in the middle of his sentence. He looked up at Papyrus, and the taller skeleton could tell that while Sans had expected Papyrus to be upset, he hadn't anticipated this level of anger.

In truth, Papyrus had never felt this angry, this betrayed in his entire life. He really was stupid, to think Sans actually wanted to spend time with him, when all along it was obviously a ploy to get him help when he'd never asked for any. His chest felt tight and hot, and his fists were so tightly clenched that he could feel the tiny fractures, left over from his last biting episode, growing little by little.

"You tricked me," he gasped, tears beginning to leak from his eye sockets. "You told me you just wanted to talk and catch up, but you just think something's wrong with me. I trusted you, I felt something was up, but I chose to think you really cared about me!"

"I do care, Pap, that's why I did this. There's nothing wrong with needing some help. I think this has been a long time coming." Sans' voice was remarkably steady in the face of his brother's fury.

"If you really cared about what I want, you'd just ask. You wouldn't sit there and lie to my face and tell me my dreams don't mean anything, when they clearly do, and you only decide to pay attention when someone else brings them up and thinks something's wrong. You don't trust me. You think I'm glass, you think I'm going to break at every little thing!" Papyrus was yelling by this point. "You don't believe in me enough that you won't even talk to me about anything yourself! You want some professional to do it for you! Well, I've had it!" He spun around and stomped back toward the car. "I am going home! You can either join me in the car or find a shortcut, because I'm not going in there with you!"

"Pap, we can't miss this appointment, it's gonna be a hundred and forty bucks if we do—" Sans started after him.

"Then I will gladly pay it, because I am not seeing a therapist today, or any other day!" Papyrus got in the car and slammed the door.

Sans opened the other door after him. "Come on, Pap, please, just try it. It might feel better than you think."

"Like you've ever cared how I feel," Papyrus snapped. "Now get in or close the damn door."

Sans meekly climbed in.

Not a word was said the rest of the way home. Papyrus felt that scorching anger until the very moment they arrived home and Papyrus was in his bedroom.

As soon as he locked the door, he turned and collapsed on his bed, burying his face in his pillow and sobbing.

Stupid. Idiot. Fool. With each word, his fist pounded into the mattress. How he hated himself! How he wished he was never inclined to see the better in people. It had never done him any good. People only ever took advantage of him.

His rage and misery growing, Papyrus took the pillow he was crying into and threw it across the room.

He didn't feel any release from the emotions; contrary to what he'd hoped for, he felt worse.

He grabbed his old teddy bear, and, squeezing it horribly tight in his hand, was about to throw it when he saw the new teddy bear Sans had given him for his birthday.

It was like a bomb went off in Papyrus's head. A stuffed animal for his birthday? What was he, five? Clearly Sans didn't think of him as mature enough to make his own decisions.

Papyrus dropped his old bear—why punish the one he'd picked out for himself, after all, when the one Sans had decided to baby him with was right there?

He picked up the new one, unlocked his door, and threw the bear as hard as he could down into the front hall. It landed on a little table and knocked a dish off that they used to hold outgoing mail, breaking it into shards on the floor.

Papyrus couldn't have cared less in that moment. He stalked back into his room, relocked the door, and stood there, gripping his skull.

After a minute or two, despite his heavy breathing, his fury dissipated, and all that was left was despair.

Not wanting to attract attention in case Sans was out in the hall checking out the noise, Papyrus did something he would normally never do, and used a shortcut to get to the bathroom.

He didn't want to wait for the pills to take effect. He swallowed five of them, more than he had ever taken before, and teleported back to his room, lying back down on his bed.

He was so tired. What even was the point of all this? Honestly, if Frisk and Flowey weren't so happy to have him around, he figured he'd have deliberately kicked the bucket a long time ago.

It was a dark thought, but Papyrus was beyond worrying about it now.

Already he could feel the drug taking effect. In just a few minutes, he knew he'd be in his happy place, even if this incident would be in the back of his mind the whole time.

He was definitely ready to leave this world, even if only for a short time.

Soon enough, he slipped into oblivion.

oooooooooo

hey guys! wow, this chapter ended on a significantly darker note than I thought... but that happens sometimes. a lot with this story, actually.

next chapter will, I think, be better because our boys will get to interact again. after that I have a Christmas chapter planned. yes, I'm aware it's past Christmas. you guys get a holiday chapter anyway.

hope you all, uh. felt emotions I guess? it probably wasn't actually very enjoyable lol.