Yes I'm back. Thank you for all the lovely messages I got asking if I was okay. Physically I am. Emotionally, the situation is overwhelming. Plus I have reached the most difficult part of the story.

Just to warn you, this chapter is dealing with loss, death and pain and drugs. You may want to skip it if it triggers you.


We've been locked in the studio for a week now. The album is almost finished and we are recording the last song. It wasn't planned but after the last few days, I needed to add one more song. I've been writing and composing since that night, hardly sleeping and eating. The words have been coming effortlessly and I'm done with the music. None of my mates commented on the lyrics, not even Alec.

In fact, we haven't spoken a lot since the night of the wrap party. He doesn't agree with Aline being back into my life, but chose to stay quiet about it. I know he's worried for me, his eyes are imbued with sadness each time he looks at me. But I don't need his pity. I chose my way of handling my life a long time ago, and I'm sticking to what I know the best: fucking and partying hard, in the hope of destroying myself.

Aline has come back naturally in my life. After that night, she knocked at my door the morning after, and let me fuck her on every surface of my flat. When she tried to stay overnight and sleep in my bed, I politely asked her to leave me alone. The last memory of a girl in my bed was Clary and I don't want to tarnish that. I'm not stupid, I know that Aline is trying to take back her place in my life. She has been dragging me in every party or preview in London, making sure we are seen as a couple by everyone and the press. I'm not complaining for now, but I know I have to talk to her. For now, her presence is muffling the cries of my heart. As well as everything I've been swallowing, alcohol and drugs.

My heart. That whole traitor is bleeding since last week. Since that text, the night of my last conversation with Clary.

"Baby, you seem under a lot of stress. What's up?" Aline asks, stretching on the couch, watching me pace the living room, puffing on my cigarette.

"Nothing Aline. Mind your own business."

A hand pushes me against the wall, before crawling down my body. I know what she's doing, using sex to keep me close, using my addictive habits. Her fingers fumble with my jeans until they're open and she can wrap her hand around my cock, gripping it so hard it is painful. She doesn't let me the time to appreciate that pain, because she falls down on her knees, and her needy mouth engulfs all of me, with her teeth scraping down the length. I jerk against her,my body encouraging her to continue.

"That's it, suck it. You love this, right?" I hiss, grabbing her hair in my fist and thrusting into her mouth. My head backs against the wall behind me with a thud, and my eyes roll with each lick of her tongue. The pressure is building quickly in my lower body. I should warn her but to be honest, I don't care. A few more thrusts, hitting the back of her throat and I release myself.

I have vague memories of fucking her after that moment, but I can't remember well. I know that I was high the whole night. To be honest, my cocaine use has reached levels and I don't know how to wake up in the morning without that. I remember listening to music and trying to write that night, but I couldn't put words on my feelings, unable to identify them. Her words kept on ringing into my ears "I'm gonna be okay. I'll go through it. I won't bother you anymore." All I could think was what kind of monster I was, to let her go through that without helping; What couldn't I fucking take my responsibilities ? And then at 5am, while still awake, I was watching the sun rising, my phone rang. Unknown number.

"Jace?" I didn't recognise the voice. But I knew she wasn't English.

"It's Maia, Clary's friend. I'm sorry to disturb you but it's important." I remember Maia being the teacher who teased us the day Clary called sick. As I couldn't find something to answer, she went on.

"I stole your number in Clary's phone. I'm sure she will be mad at me for calling you but she won't do it. And as stupid and fucked up you are, you deserve to know. We are at the hospital, Jace."

My heart skipped a beat. "What happened ? Is Clary okay?"

She sighed. "She will be, eventually. But she lost a lot of blood... and the baby, Jace. I'm sorry."

As soon as the words left her mouth, I knew she was gonna tell me this. "I won't tell her I've called you, she needs to focus on herself. But you now have my number, if you want news or whatever, well, you can call me."

The line went silent. And my throat was suddenly choked with strangled sobs.

I'm a coward. I haven't called Clary or her friend. I haven't even sent a text. I have spent my days and night writing and getting high, the only way I found to control my pain and cries. My mind is crying, my heart is crying, and that's a pain even worse than everything I've experienced so far.

I chuckle, adjusting the mic in front of me. I decided to shut down my heart after the pain I felt when Aline left, because I thought it would protect me. And that old bastard decided to betray me again. Really ? What's the point of feeling if it's to suffer ?

I hear the first notes of the song in my ears, and I close my eyes, taking a deep breath.

"We breathe different air

We don't think and we don't care

We don't sleep and we don't smile

Ain't been friends for a while

No surprises and nothing new

Where has the beauty gone between me and you

I want you to break my heart so I know love

Let me feel tragedy wash over us

I'm so lost in the feeling

That you have stopped believing

And I am finally nearing the end of my rope

The colour is gone

This house is no longer a home

The spectrum we had known

Disappeared and now we are alone

With nothing in here, just romantic ideas

That all crash and they burn

And still we never learn

That we are best when together

In this life or the fucking next"

The music stops. I immediately leave the studio. I need air. I need light. I need to hide. I don't want my mates to see I'm crying.

"Jace. Jace. Wait."

Alec grabs my arm and makes me stop.

"Jace, for fucks sake, stop that."

I turn around, facing him, tears running on my cheeks. He notices immediately the pain on my face and smiles sadly.

"This hurts that much?" he sighs.

"You can't imagine."

"Have you tried to talk to her? I mean maybe if you call her, she'll listen to you. But you have to take your responsibilities Jace, you can let her alone in that situation.. you need to man up."

"There's no point."

"You love her. You've just written the ultimate heartbreak song. Don't ignore your feelings."

I clench my jaws. Who does he think he is to tell me what I have to do ? "Don't tell me what I have to do. You don't know the whole situation. You don't know how I am feeling. Leave me alone", I roar at him, rummaging in my pockets for the only thing that would help me to numb my pain.

He follows me as I sit on the garden chair in the patio. I light up a cigarette while opening the little plastic bag I've found in my pocket.

"Really Jace? You're gonna snort your poison in front of me as if you don't even care I'm here ?"

I smirk. "Would you like some maybe ? But you're right, I don't care you're here. To be honest, I don't care about anyone."

"I can't let you say that. If you really didn't care about anyone, you wouldn't be in that state. You would be living instead of surviving, you would sleep, you would eat, you would laugh. You would do what you used to do, even if that means fucking every girl on this planet. But you wouldn't let yourself dwell into addiction again."

"Leave me alone Alec. You can't do anything for me." I answer, lowering my head towards the table where the precious powder is waiting for me. But suddenly, a hand grabs my arm while another one swipes the drug off the table. What the fuck?

"Stop fucking killing yourself Jace." Alec shouts, still holding my arm. "I can't let you do this. I love you man. Stop it"

Nothing he could say or do would stop my anger. I shove him out of my way, barking at him. "Why have you done that, you asshole!"

"What friend would I be if I let you kill yourself in front of me? Talk to me Jace. You used to come to me when you had problems."

"I don't have problems."

"Yes, you have. Is it the baby ? And Clary ? You're afraid of what will happen right ? You need to man up Jace."

My fist moves on its own without me thinking about it. When it collides with Alec's jaw and split his lip in two, blood running on its face, I don't even feel anything more than anger.

"MAN UP ? SHE LOST THE BABY. I LOST HER AND THE BABY. AND I'M ON MY OWN NOW. SO DON'T SPEAK TO ME ABOUT LIVING. I DON'T FUCKING CARE ANYMORE."

And without caring about his answer or if he's in pain or anything, I run towards my car. I need to find Meliorn. He'll have what I need.


Lyrics courtesy of FCATR.