A big thank you to Aphaea21, peanutpup, and BehindTheMask31 for the reviews!
CW: Sexual content! :D
Enjoy!
Christine
Chapter 62
The Secret
Erik went to me swiftly, his face full of hot fury, and quickly untied my rope bindings. I watched Nadir the entire time. He was staring back at me with regret.
"What's going on?" I whispered.
"That Echo wanted to kill you to hurt me," Erik said. I could hear the anger in his tone. "I will explain it later."
"How did you know to look for me here?" I asked.
"He left me a letter telling me to collect your body. You were gone from the bed too long - I went to look for you and found it in the parlor." My hands were free. He went around to face me and helped me to my feet. "I took a chance that he'd not killed you yet and went to Nadir, showing him the note. I figured that the Daroga could distract him, put him in a compromising position. Have Nadir pretend to help him kill you so that I could kill him. I merely needed to listen for the cue words to open the door and throw my lasso."
"Which is exactly what we did," said Nadir. He continued to watch me sadly. "I shouldn't have accused you."
"No, you shouldn't have." Erik's eyes blazed as he took in Nadir. "To be honest, I was nervous to go to you at all. Part of me wondered if you would deny what was before your eyes, or even that you were in on her murder-"
"In on it?" Nadir looked stricken. "I wouldn't kill her-"
"I took that chance as well. The only thing that gave me comfort was how quickly I would kill you should I find you were playing a trick; and the fact that I think you knew that as well. That you wouldn't dare harm her in my presence."
Nadir's eyes were wide. "You really think I would have actually helped kill her?"
"Yes." Erik glanced shortly at me. "Consider as well how quickly she was to believe it. She didn't sound very shocked to me during your little roleplay. No, she sounded scared. Of you." He took a shaky breath. "I don't think this surprises you. You know how you've been behaving. You even played on it just now. But I think this is a conversation for another time. I think I don't want to speak to you for quite a while. If you'd investigated further, rather than denying everything to save your sense of security and control, she wouldn't have been this close to death. Thank you for your assistance in this matter; it was the least you could do. It is your fault, after all." He gripped my hand and began pulling me forward. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I'd like to get her back home."
Back in the study, I was shaken as Erik explained the conversation between Nadir and his Echo to me.
All of this had happened so suddenly. So quickly. It was like some kind of nightmare. But there had been clues. So many clues. The dead Echo with the story of his lost love and suicide - a true story, but not in the way we thought. The missing book. The running pair of feet behind the bookshelf. How had we not predicted this? How had we not seen it?
But how could we have seen it? So focused on the idea that someone was listening for the Shah, we'd completely forgotten about people like the Violet Dawn. People who wanted to hurt me to hurt Erik.
This Echo, it seemed, wasn't with that group. In fact, it seemed that the Violet Dawn had been wiped out; but Erik still had enemies. Of course he did. People who wanted him gone. People who saw me as a pawn in that pursuit.
We couldn't be out of each other's sight anymore. Not for a moment. If one of us did need to be alone, to use the bathing room, perhaps, then the space had to be thoroughly checked. If Erik had to leave without me, then I had to be watched, perhaps by Nadir or Ibrahim.
And as for the Echo.
I'd thought all that time ago how lonely of an existence it must have been. How dark and cold. And how inescapable - for if you became an Echo, you could not leave its duties except in death.
And one of them, unsurprisingly, had snapped.
I wondered if there were more like him. I hoped that there weren't.
I hoped that, one day, Echo Hall could be eliminated, and the Echoes who secretly broke day by day could be free.
Erik was shaking beside me.
Neither one of us was able to sleep. Of course not. But we didn't know where else to go but back to bed, within each other's arms.
"I'm all right," I said softly. "I'm all right."
"I almost lost you." His voice shook. "I told you this would happen."
My heart sank. "The curse is gone, Erik. We took care of it."
"And maybe it didn't work." His breathing was becoming rapid. "I've inadvertently killed every single person who's ever loved me. I told you this. Why should you be any different? If it's not today, then it will be one day. You will be gone. And I will be to blame."
"It wasn't your fault this time," I whispered. I leaned up on my elbow and put a hand on his cheek. "How was this your fault?"
"I should have investigated everything myself." I felt, on my hand, a tear fall from his eye. "I should have done more to find out who it was. But I didn't. I waited for Nadir to come to his senses; I wanted him to take care of it himself. I wanted him to wake up. But he woke up too late. I should have woken him up sooner. So prideful - so stupid of me-!"
He sobbed. I took him in my arms immediately and let him cry. He did so, deeply - grief like nothing I'd ever seen anyone experience before. The memory of those he'd lost, of all of those untold stories I wouldn't push for. It made me begin to cry as well, the feeling of his grief overwhelming and overpouring into me.
But I could tell him a different story.
"Once upon a time," I said softly, "there was a Prince named Eric. He loved a maiden named Kristine, and she loved him back - more than anything."
His sobs calmed. They turned to light hiccups.
"They had to keep their love secret. The dragon who trapped the Prince expected him to be cruel to the maiden. Everyone in the the dragon's lair expected it, as well. But the Prince had enemies, people who didn't understand him. Who hated him. They thought he was infallible, so didn't want to strike him directly. So they tried to hurt the maiden."
Erik brought his hand to my hair and clutched it in his fingers.
"But the Prince had a plan. He trapped and killed the dragon. And when the dragon was dead, Prince Eric and Maiden Kristine escaped. They travelled far away, across continents, and started a new life, where no one had to know what they'd been through. They lived happily ever after."
He pulled away, and there was pain in his eyes. He looked as though he wanted to say something, but then closed his eyes and brought his forehead to mine. "Christine."
"Erik?"
"I have secrets I have not told you." He breathed shakily. "One secret I cannot tell you for a while. I will tell you. I will. But I can't. Not yet. It's...hard to explain. But there are reasons - real reasons - I have to keep it from you. It doesn't make sense now. But do you...do you understand?"
"What kind of secret?" I pulled away. He looked slightly hurt at the loss of contact.
"I can't even tell you that. But I will tell you, Christine. I will, when the time comes. I will tell you. It won't be long before that day. It's just...if I tell you now, I won't...I won't..." He grimaced. "I have to wait to tell you, but just know this. When the day comes that I do tell you, I know you will hate me."
"You can tell me now. I won't hate you."
"I can't, Christine," he whispered. "I can't. You will understand why when the time comes. I will explain it all then. But I need you to know that if you do hate me, I will understand. I know you want to know now. And I wish I could tell you. And-" A tear came down his face again. "I understand if you want to rescind your love, simply for what I've told you now. I understand that. The secret may hurt you. It may cause you pain."
I felt dread, down to my bones. What secret? I wanted to know. I needed to know. But if he loved me, if I at least knew that, then maybe I could wait. I could quell my curiosity. I could be patient. But as for being hurt, for hating him-
"Is the secret that you don't actually love me as much as you say?" I asked, heart racing.
He grimaced. "No - God, no, Christine. I love you more than anything."
"Is is that you will...stop loving me? Or...or that you love someone else?"
"No. Christine. No. I love you. Only you. I will never stop."
"Then there's nothing you could tell me that would make me hate you. Or that would hurt me. As long as I know you love me, I will be all right. I know your character. You've proved it to me. Anything you say or do will have good reason. I know that."
And I found that I believed my own words. It was foolish to believe them as I did, childish. Of course there were secrets that could hurt me, whatever they may be. But I had to believe my own words. I had to.
Erik looked at me for a long time.
And then the next words out of his mouth made me feel faint: "I want you."
"Now?" My breath caught in my throat.
He nodded. "I almost lost you. Who knows if it will happen again? I can't keep...living in a state of terror when it comes to my body being exposed. I want you. I need you. If you will have me."
"I will," I breathed. "Yes."
But rather than remove his clothing, or removing mine, he went to his desk. He turned on the light before opening one of the drawers and pulling out a wooden box. He opened it and brought out something tinted yellow, slightly see-through. I recognized it from my training.
"This is lambskin," he explained. "I am continuously given them at breakfast-time - if you'll forgive me, I hide them before you can see. I've been throwing them away - until recently. Until we began to be intimate. I started saving them."
I knew what they were for. Men would have to wear them if they were to visit Flowers in the Garden. It was to keep us from becoming pregnant. I had no idea that Erik was being slipped them in the morning, probably at the order of the Shah. It didn't surprise me, though. Everyone who knew of the Angel of Death was under the assumption that he'd been forcing himself on me for months.
I nodded in understanding, and he placed the lambskin on the table next to the bed. He turned to me, smiling, but his eyes lacked nerve. "I will tell you that, although I'm sure you've seen that I am every bit a Don Juan, I unfortunately have little experience in this area."
I stood. "That's all right." I brought my dress over my head, making myself naked. His pupils dilated ever so slightly as I dropped the clothing to the floor. "I can take the lead."
"Do you mind that?" he whispered.
"Not at all." I felt actually grateful for my training. I forgot the fact that I'd been trained to be used as a toy. I reclaimed my horrors from those who chained them to me, and I would use them now for something that made me happy. For something that would make him happy.
He nodded. "All right." His hands clenched slightly at his side. "Christine, I'm not sure how I will react when I'm undressed."
"If we need to stop, we can," I said, parroting the words he'd said back to me. "Just say the word and we can stop."
He closed his eyes.
"May I remove your clothes?" I asked; elation at what was about to happen was sprouting inside me; nervousness, too. But it was the most wonderful sort of anxiety. "Or would you rather do it?"
"I won't be able to." He opened his eyes and laughed shortly. "I will help but...I can't-"
"That's fine," I said soothingly. His nightclothes consisted of trousers and a long-sleeve shirt. I slid my hands under his shirt and pulled it slowly upward. His breathing increased, but he helped me remove it.
And when I saw his chest, his arms, his wrists - all of the scars - my stomach dropped. I remembered him telling me that he'd harmed himself in his younger years. I felt suddenly that I might cry. "Oh, Erik."
"I know it's ugly." He was shaking, pain on his face. "I'm sorry. I can keep my shirt on-"
"No, you're not ugly." I brought one of his destroyed wrists to my mouth and kissed it. "You're beautiful. I love you." I came closer and kissed up his arms, to his shoulders, to his chest and stomach. His shaking only increased, his breathing beyond ragged.
I looked at him, at the tears welling in his eyes. "We can stop."
He shook his head ferociously. "No. I'm...overwhelmed. In the best way."
I kissed his chest again. "Can I remove your trousers?"
He paused. Then said, "Yes."
I pulled them off, bringing them down to his ankles. He stepped out of them. I saw that his legs were quivering, and when I brought my eyes up, up to his member-
I thought back to his joke that he wouldn't fit into a small jar.
I don't think that it was entirely a joke.
I brought my eyes up to his and stood entirely. He looked as though he were cold. Teeth chattering, face contorted.
"We really can stop," I repeated.
"No," he said harshly, but quietly. "I want to do this."
"All right." I paused, bringing my hands to his stomach. "May I touch you?"
He pursed his lips, closed his eyes, and grunted.
"You can say no, Erik."
"Give me a minute. I want you to. But give me a moment."
I did so. I allowed him to process it, or fight through himself, or whatever it was that he was feeling. After nearly five minutes of silence, he opened his mouth and looked at me intensely, full of that fire that I'd once thought I'd never be able to douse. Perhaps I was more than a drop of water. Perhaps I'd never be an ocean, but maybe he didn't need me to be. Maybe he didn't need me to put him out. Maybe he just needed me to be there for him while he found a way to stifle his own flames.
"All right," he said. "You may."
I moved my hand down his stomach and onto his length. Like the rest of him, it was cool to the touch. As I gently gripped him, he grunted and went from flaccid to hard in seconds. In my training, I'd learned that it could take some men several minutes to be aroused. But I remembered that he'd never been touched. That inexperienced men could be faster.
As I stroked him softly, he groaned gripping my shoulders, eyes squeezed shut. I began to go tighter, faster, but then he brought his hand to mine and pulled it away from him.
"Stop," he said gruffly, looking at me with intensity, "I'm...I'm about to- And I want to be able to-"
"I will stop."
"I want to touch you" he said.
I allowed it. Of course.
And I nearly collapsed in his arms as he worked on me. When my legs began to tremble and I fell into him with euphoria, he whispered to me, "I want you, Christine."
"I need you," I breathed.
"Then tell me what you want me to do." He brought his hand away.
If I was to take the lead, I would be as good of a lover as I could tonight. And I would do the work as he enjoyed it. I looked up at him. "Put on the lambskin and lie down."
His eyes widened with anticipation, disbelief, and love. He picked up the lambskin and did as he was told. As soon as he was on his back, I joined him on the bed. I went to my knees, legs on either side of him.
His breathing was rough. "Christine."
"Do you want to stop?"
"No. No, I don't. But I...I don't know how to explain it. I'm afraid. But happy. I don't know-"
"Don't be afraid, my love," I said, wondering at my own confidence. I didn't know where it came from, but I didn't want to question it. I wanted it to stay. I put myself in his mind and scanned through what he might be afraid of. "I will not hurt you. I won't force you. I won't judge you. I think you're handsome. You're good. You deserve all the love I have to give you."
His eyes widened at my words. Before he could speak, I leaned down to kiss him, deeply. When I pulled away, I reached my hand down, like I'd been trained, for his member. I positioned it just right and brought myself down so that he was inside me.
Amir had told me that it could hurt the first time. But I was so relaxed, so happy, that it didn't. There was pressure, yes, and a moment of discomfort. But it was good. I moved on top of him; even if I hadn't been trained, I would have done so instinctively.
I gasped at the feeling. It didn't feel quite as good as his hands or tongue did, but it was so nice. Erik, on the other hand, had his hands on my hips. His face was open in pleasure; eyes staring at me in wonder and mouth rounded.
I liked that expression.
I sped up my movements.
His back arched and he moaned my name. His legs shook and he moved his hands from my hips to the sheets, gripping them. I felt his manhood pulsate inside me, knew that the lambskin had filled.
I laughed softly, full of adoration. I leaned down again and kissed his cheek as his moans and gasps filled my ears like music.
The loveliest music.
