Lorelai had just been to Rory's to see little Finny for the first time since they'd brought him home. However, before driving back home, she now stood on the brownstone stairs leading to Celeste and Jess'. She'd seen the lights on, expecting them to be home. She rang the doorbell and waited, glancing down at the toes of her pumps, impatiently, clearly not really wanting to be there.
"Boy, now I really do hate you," Lorelai muttered barely audibly, as Celeste appeared at the door dressed in a black mesh sleeved pencil maternity dress, showing off all of her best parts.
"Lorelai, hi," Celeste said. Lorelai was certainly the last person she'd expected to see, as they were about to go out for a date night with Jess as soon as he was done showering and getting dressed upstairs.
"Hi. Can I come in for a sec?" she asked, glancing around to find Jess nowhere in sight. She didn't want him around for this conversation.
"Okay," Celeste said, stepping aside.
"Listen, I'm here to apologize," Lorelai began, her throat suddenly feeling dry. "I'm sorry for judging you unfairly," she blurted, as if wanting to rip the bandage off. She didn't sound ingenuine, but still it felt a little forced.
"You talked to Luke," Celeste noted. She wondered whether Lorelai was there just because he'd told her to come.
"I did," Lorelai replied, awkwardly.
"But why?" she asked, hoping to at least to begin to understand what had caused all this.
"That's the million dollar question, isn't it?" Lorelai replied. "To begin with, I guess you should know I'm not always the most logical person. I tend to react before my brain catches up," she chuckled uncomfortably at her own expense. "The reality is that I miss Rory. Sure I see her, but it's not the same…," she sighed, feeling her throat swell up as she'd said it. She'd just been over there, and while everything appeared pleasant, Rory just wouldn't open up, she wasn just going through the motions, not really telling her honestly what she was struggling with, hiding things. And instead of talking to her mother Rory would just resort to the best specialists money could buy. "And the two people I seem to have lost her to are Logan and you, the female equivalent of him," she explained, with a tone of exaggeration.
Celeste could see she was hurting, creating some empathy in her. There was some layer in Celeste that tried to see Lorelai's position in all of this - having brought Rory up on her own, just like Celeste had been planning on doing with her baby. She could imagine how it must've felt - losing a daughter like that, after having given her all of herself. She realized that there was more to it of course, but she could grasp the hurt nonetheless.
"We're really not that similar with Logan, and just because I've parted from my family, doesn't mean I aim to alienate her from hers to replace that," Celeste clarified, trying to think a few steps ahead of why she would think that.
"I know it's not something you're doing on purpose, but it's what I see happening nonetheless," she noted, nervously moving her foot as if putting out a cigarette, her arms crossed on her waist.
"Have you talked to her about this?" she asked.
"She knows, and clearly now she has other priorities," Lorelai exhaled. She couldn't blame Rory for that, but she was desperate - Rory was slipping.
"So what, you want me to stay clear? Because I'm not going to do that," Celeste said boldly. She wasn't going to abandon her friendship with Rory just because her mother was feeling insecure, especially not now.
"You seem to think you know her so well, so tell me - what is that I can do, what can I do to make things better?" Lorelai asked, almost pleadingly. She sounded indeed desperate, making Celeste feel bad for her.
"I don't know, I am not her therapist," she replied hastily. However, a split second later she reconsidered, adding, "Fine! I'll think about it, okay?" with a sigh. What would it hurt if she did try to help?
That apparently was good enough for Lorelai.
As she closed the door behind her, Jess came down the stairs, ready to go, dressed in a dark teal tight t-shirt, his leather jacket in his hand.
"What was that about?" he asked as he reached downstairs, having only overheard a few sentences.
"She came to apologize," Celeste explained.
"Good," Jess replied harshly, as if that was the only appropriate thing Lorelai could've been doing there.
"And I guess she wants my help with Rory," she added. She certainly wasn't going to lie to him.
"Whatever is going on between her and Rory is her problem, not yours. She screwed up by being all controlling and judgy, she's the one who needs to fix her own problems, starting with herself," Jess said, his tone sounding upset.
"If I want her to know me, to know that I am not a threat, then she's not just going to take my word for it, I need to make an effort - show her," she explained, not liking the fact that she felt like she needed to defend herself to Jess.
"She's the one that needs to stop acting like a spoiled brat, make an effort. She has no right to treat you like this, to make you feel bad about something that's in HER head," Jess said in an agitated tone, tapping his temple demonstratively.
"You don't get it, Jess! You don't know what it's like!" she yelled, getting teary eyed as a result and marched upstairs. There was way more under the surface of it all.
"Este!" he called after her in a low hoarse tone, feeling frustrated. "I'm sorry," he added, muttering, "Fuck!" to himself as he heard the door slam shut. He knew hormones were at play in that reaction, but still, he knew that she had probably every right to be angry - he didn't get it, he didn't get her need to please Lorelai.
Jess thought about going after her, but he didn't really know what else to say. During their time together they hadn't really had that many fights, small bickering over every-day annoyances usually easily fixed by paying attention or compromizing, and he didn't really have a protocol for this. This was also a precedent of sorts and how he handled this was crucial. He decided to let her have a moment and went to the back terrace to get some air, leaning onto the terrace railing and taking a series of deep breaths. He needed a game plan - to apologize, to try to understand without judging her choices himself - he couldn't believe he'd done that himself. He wanted to somehow salvage whatever their date night was supposed to be. He didn't want to fight with her - on anything, ever.
Some minutes later Jess leaned against the bedroom door frame, knocking the door gently.
"Este, can I come in? Please…," Jess pleaded.
Celeste wordlessly peeked the door, allowing him in. She had calmed down, but her eyes were red from crying, the little make up she'd been wearing taken off quite recently.
"I'm sorry I raised my voice, I didn't mean to. And you're right - I don't get it," Jess began, taking a deep breath. "Lorelai has never liked me either - ever since the moment I stepped off the bus in Stars Hollow she's been expecting the worst from me and I am pretty sure that cast the shadow on everything that followed - she, and others, expected the worst, I felt the liberty to behave accordingly," he tried to explain his side. "I know that's ancient history, but that's just the way she behaves. She thinks her opinion is the most important one in the world, that she's always right and that she has the right to control people," he added. "I just don't want her to manipulate you into thinking that this is about you. You have enough on your plate, you shouldn't get sucked up in this," he added.
"Maybe it is me? Maybe I'm just lonely, okay? I know I have you, but Rory is like my only close friend these days other than you, so maybe I am trying too much? Maybe me trying too much is pushing them further apart? Maybe there are ways I could engage Lorelai more or discuss it with Rory? I don't want Rory doing voluntarily what I HAD to do. I never really imagined giving up my family would be this hard. Yes, I'm glad I did, you saw what they were like. But there are all these bits of news to share and no one to hear it, no one rooting for me," Celeste said. Just seeing Rory's family hover like they had during the birth and after, had clarified to her how it was the little things, the even slightly unwanted attention, that she was never going to have. The caring that reached beyond what was asked for. She wouldn't have gotten it from her family, and she didn't regret the choice she had made. But she grieved what could've been, what she was never going to have.
"Este…," he sighed, wrapping his arms around her sideways, kissing her hair. "I'm sorry you're lonely, and that is something I get - but you are not alone - when you feel like this, you tell me, okay?" he soothed. He wanted to make it better, offer her everything she needed. But there was only so much he could say or do.
"I know you are here, and I know Luke is there, but if anything were to ever happen between us, your side of the family would be lost too. That just scares me. If I lean on you and your family too much, it makes me vulnerable," she explained. She'd always been that independent person, facing the world on her own - and now she felt like she relied on him perhaps too much.
"But you're not going to lose me. We've talked about this…," he assured, wondering whether it had been his issues with his dad that had raised these doubts - he'd just wanted to be honest, and hesitations were a part of him too. But they'd never been hesitations about her, if anything, they were about how to be the best father possible. They'd talked about how they promised to be good parents first and keep things civil if anything were to ever break them apart. To continue being the support system no matter what.
She knew that of course, but she was also realistic, knowing the stats on parents splitting up after the kid was born. The only thing she could see that would balance things out, even is just a little, was if she had strong friendships, at some point a job, ties to the real world outside of him.
"And if I support Rory, try to help her fix things with Lorelai, at least she won't blame me for making the rift between them any larger," she added.
"So you're doing this for you essentially - and Rory?" he asked slightly confusedly, beginning to catch up on a part of her thought process.
"Yeah," she replied with an exhale. "I need strong friendships, I need support that is not dependent on you. And I know it sounds horrible, like I'm waiting for something to go wrong, and I don't, I hope that never happens," she said, her eyes filling up with tears just at that thought. "But I need to find some balance you know, friends, maybe a job or something," she added, swallowed her further tears, her eyes still glistening.
"I just don't want you getting hurt, feeling like you've done something wrong," Jess said. "You can do anything you want - work on your friendships, find new friends, get a job if you want, though I would suggest nothing too strenuous right at this moment," he added, stroking her belly. "And I'm here for you, you can talk to me about these things, I don't want you to worry about me, about us," he promised.
She rested the side of her face onto his chest, wordlessly, as he held her.
"I'm sorry, I think we missed our reservations," she added apologetically a moment later.
"We'll make our own date night, don't worry," Jess assured.
