Uhhh... this one gets deep. Just warning you haha.


Entry 41

Dad held another village meeting a few days ago to explain the situation, and as I expected, the attitudes of my fellow Berkians have been severely altered. They've practically stopped trying.

Everyone, no matter their occupation, is doing their work with as little effort as possible… I understand that being short on food is serious, but that doesn't mean everything else should be cut back on. Candles don't last as long, clothing feels thinner, home repairs seem to be mere patchwork… Even Gobber, who LOVES smithing, isn't seeming to get any joy out of it anymore.

But I think one of the worst things to come out of it all has to be the talk. It started with one offhand comment, but has quickly been adopted by Berk as a whole: this year's harvest is a hiccup.

I get it; really, I do. It's quite obvious that we have less than usual for winter provisions, and what we do have is rather inferior in quality. That's what's going to happen when the crops are planted late and harvested too early due to having no other choice. But this comparison is just making me feel even more unwanted than usual.

It makes sense that a stash of food like this is undesirable… but what about applying the same ideas to a person? Does that make them undesirable as well? I've always known the other Berkians see me as inferior, but this just feels cruel. I swear, they've entirely forgotten that I even exist… that's the only reasonable explanation I can think of for talking so openly about their feelings about the harvest. I brought this up to Gobber, and he just said, "Well, you know how Vikings are. Hiccup is just a description to them." I think he was trying to help, but I just feel even worse now.

It came to a head when I overheard my own father mention to a couple villagers this all just being a hiccup, and that we'll get over it. I didn't stick around to listen to anything else; just walked home and went to bed.

I've known for years the meaning behind my name, but always thought it was an opportunity to prove them wrong. I thought that it was a challenge, a motivation to be better. But right now… I just feel like it's who I am. That there's no point in ever trying to be anything else because that's how the world is always going to see me. And… I don't know where to go from here.

I know I'm a pretty cynical person. As much as I'd love to deny it, I haven't been all that positive since I was about eight. But at least I always had the motivation to keep working toward a better future, no matter how awful things got. I WANTED to be more than just my name.

But now… I don't know what I want anymore. And that's a pretty sad thing to realize.

Until next time…

-H