Zia shivered and pushed the collar of her thick winter coat up as high as she could to provide a couple more inches of protection from the cold. In the pocket of the coat there were several packages clustered together, shrunk down from their original sizes. She crouched down in the alleyway, wincing as the snow crunched beneath her boots. Peering around the edge of the dirty brick wall, she watched the two men striding down the street in her direction.
She edged farther back into the alleyway, as far as she could go, and thought hard about getting home. The men wheeled around the corner just as the doorway back to her home solidified itself. She threw herself backwards towards it, fumbling for the doorknob and whispering her name as quickly as she could. A pair of wands lit up, pointed in her direction, but she was through the door already.
She shut it just as jets of light beamed through the alley. Her heart raced and she sank to a sitting position with her back to the door, one hand over her chest as she counted her breaths to calm herself down. Regulus skidded into the room, wand out.
"Again?" he asked. She nodded. He started pacing back and forth. "You can't go out alone anymore. It's too dangerous."
"It's almost Christmas. Soon after that is Tom's birthday. I had to get some things," Zia grumbled.
"I'm okay without presents this year mum," Tom entered the room in his pajamas, barefoot and carrying a book under his arm. She sighed. He was turning nine soon, but acted much too old for his age. Especially now.
"We're celebrating. It's been a long year," Zia protested, clambering to her feet. She patted the packages in her pocket. Still there. Still safe. She pushed past both boys into the kitchen and sat down at the dining table. Pozey plunked a mug of hot tea down in front of her and she pulled her mittens off and wrapped her hands around the cup. Breathing in the steam, she allowed the tension to seep out of her muscles.
She'd been working for the ministry for over a year now, rooting out Grindelwald supporters using her legilimancy. At first, she hadn't minded. Now it was different. The first time she'd been followed while out shopping for groceries, she'd been out with Tom. Her shadows then had done nothing but observe, yet it was unnerving knowing they'd found her doing something so mundane.
They did nothing but observe for weeks after that. She'd wondered at first if they were sent by the ministry to make sure she was safe. There had been several threats directed at her specifically from Grindelwald's people. When they started attacking, that ended her hope that they were there for benevolent reasons. Now almost every time she left the house she expected an attempted attack.
But the holidays were coming, and she wasn't going to let anything ruin that for her family. Christmas was always spent with Nana Mary and Papa Charlie. This year Regulus was attending with them again. Riddle Sr had been invited, but decided to spend his Christmas with some of the villagers. He'd muttered something about stopping in to see his parents at least for the holiday too. Privately she wondered if he was worried that Mary and Charlie would see the growing similarities between his features and Tom's and ask questions.
Tom ran into the kitchen and was greeted by a cup of hot cocoa courtesy of Pozey. Regulus followed him in. Riddle Sr was having dinner with Darla and Fred that night. The two villagers took him under their wings similarly to how Nana Mary and Papa Charlie took her and Tom in. When she found out that the couple had lost their two oldest sons to the war, she thought she understood a little bit of why. There were so many families with missing sons. She knew the history of course, as a former history teacher. Living it was different.
"We can celebrate without you putting yourself in danger," Regulus said, interrupting her thoughts.
"I'm not going to live in fear. I did enough of that after your s-after someone paid us a visit at the old place to last me a lifetime," Zia said firmly. She sighed and breathed in the tea's aroma again. She never told any of them all the details of what she did for the ministry. Only Dumbledore knew just how dark some of the memories she had to pick through got. He was teaching her how to use the pensieve to take some of the worst and step away from them and observe as an outsider. She would manage the fear. She refused to let what she did impact her family.
"Not living in fear isn't the same as just being safe," Regulus retorted.
"Please Mum?" Tom looked straight into her eyes and she sighed.
"Alright. I won't go out on my own anymore."
As Tom grew, he looked more and more like his father. The two of them...she wasn't sure exactly what their relationship could be classified as. Tom acted like Regulus was his uncle the majority of the time. His attitude towards Riddle was more strained. They'd discussed it before, but as Tom got older, the conversations got more difficult. It was clear Riddle Sr was trying to have a positive relationship with his son. But neither of them seemed to know quite how to get over each of their previous hurts.
Riddle was still drawn to magic, but still terrified of it. She'd seen what happened in his memories, and couldn't blame him. Still though. He and Regulus were roommates. He was around Zia and Tom frequently. He'd watched Dumbledore and met Newt. He'd watched some of the classes Zia took with a variety of professors from Hogwarts. He knew that not all magic users wanted to hurt him, but at the same time his past still haunted him. That past showed up in Tom: the son he hadn't wanted born to the woman who ruined his life.
On Tom's side there was resentment for all the years where there was nobody there. Two days later, he brought it up again.
"I don't want to forgive him. I still don't understand why he's here now when he didn't want to be then," Tom confided to her. They were working together to magically animate a carved wooden toy he'd made. It was one of the rare times they were alone together in the house.
"People are always growing and changing. What someone is one year is never what they are even one year later," she told him as they put the finishing touches on the wooden figure and placed it on a tiny broomstick. He looked over at her.
"I know that. But some people don't change in the right direction," he said, sitting back. His hair was combed neatly back, but his clothes were slightly disheveled from play and he was barefoot. She sat back on her hands and looked up at the enchanted blue sky that was the ceiling of his bedroom.
"That's true. But they always can. We can't control whether they make that choice or not, we can only control our own choices and growth. But we can wait and watch and encourage. Why don't you wait and watch a little and then decide for yourself if he's changed in the right direction?" she said at last.
"You don't want me to just be friends with him already?"
"When people hurt you, it's okay to step back and wait and watch. We like to say that everyone is our friend until they show us otherwise, right? Well...he started off showing you otherwise." The toy broom lifted off the ground, hovering with the small figure perched atop it. It was more practice for Zia's remedial classes, but she always tried to turn the practice into something fun. "It's okay to wait and watch and decide. Forgiveness never means letting yourself be hurt again. It means letting go of the hurt from before."
"What if I don't want to let it go?" Tom's eyes were on the floating quidditch player figurine. He always tried not to look at her when he was hiding how upset he was about something.
"You can't fly until you let go of the ground. You could be missing out on something by holding on. But it's okay if you're not ready. Even birds start off grounded." Her words must have been a cue for the phoenix, although she had no idea how it could hear them. Phoenix song floated through the house. Whenever the phoenix sang, the entire house seemed to go still to listen to it. Now was no exception.
"Sounds like she agrees with you," Tom said when the song was done. His face was relaxed again and he was smiling.
"That's because I'm usually right. Now, have you decided what you're doing for gifts this year?" The conversation turned to easier subjects. Tom was planning to make most of his gifts this year again. He was creative and Zia tried to foster this as much as possible. She wanted him to have plenty of outlets for his creativity that were productive and safe.
His book collection grew with his interests. He had several books about muggle mechanics right next to books about magic. He had woodcarving tools that Nana Mary and Papa Charlie had given him as a birthday gift one year, and small carved figurines had homes all over their house. She'd had to learn healing charms quickly thanks to this particular hobby. He had books on quidditch, and his broom was always kept neatly in its stand in his room when he wasn't practicing on it. He also rode horses with Charlie when they visited.
When it came to hobbies, he was well rounded. The problem was that even though he went to school with other children, they weren't his age. Nor did he care to interact with children that were his age. As much as she tried, she couldn't persuade him to befriend other children. She didn't consider tutoring his peers for pocket money friendship, despite a previous attempt by him to convince her otherwise.
She wondered if it was enough that at least now he didn't use them as sadistic playthings. He saw them as people now, but he still had no desire to interact with them in any capacity other than for what he considered mutually beneficial arrangements. Sometimes she wondered if that was how he saw everyone else around him. As people, but only good for something if they could benefit each other.
Then he'd say or do things that reminded her that he did care. Pick her a boquet of wildflowers so she knew he thought about her when she was gone working for the Ministry. Quietly fixing things around the house for Nana Mary and Papa Charlie. Talking for hours with the snakes. Helping Pozey do dishes or laundry. Building something with Regulus just to spend the time. Every now and then he even shared a tender moment with Riddle Sr that made her question even his own declaration that he didn't like the man. He was even making his father a Christmas present this year with the help of Papa Charlie.
"Can I go a couple days before everyone else, on my own, so I can work on some things?" Tom asked her. She bit her lip, thinking it over. She knew Regulus had placed several protective charms on Mary and Charlie's house, but there was only so much they could do. They were also very careful about how they got to their house. Using the Room of Requirement style transportation that her house provided, combined with Regulus' apparating, they'd always managed to get there without followers.
"I don't know...with everything going on..." she felt that they were already pushing it, going for so long over Christmas. "I think it's best we all go together."
