Episode 34 - Why Armisael Should've Stayed in Bed Today
"This is indeed quite troublesome."
Those were the words said by Gutierrez to Gendo, as they were in the middle of another meeting with the rest of the Committee.
"Agreed," Gendo replied. "The unexpected arrival of this...Freakazette was another thing we were highly unprepared for. Given your own familiarity with her and the male counterpart, knowing ahead of time would have been very useful."
"Unfortunately, no one can truly predict the future," Gutierrez stated. "Except for the Angels, in which case the Dead Sea Scrolls are capable of such, incomplete as they are. Speaking of which, if I remember my most recent review of their contents, the second-to-last Angel should be arriving sometime today."
Before anyone could say anything else, the phone on Gendo's desk rang. Gendo immediately picked it up.
"Fuyutsuki, we're in the middle of a meeting here," Gendo said. "...All right. I'll be along shortly." He then hung up the phone. "It seems your consultation was correct. The 16th Angel is currently drawing near. We shall continue the discussion of the Freakazette development at another time."
"Indeed, we shall," Gutierrez replied. If your seat is still waiting for you, that is, my scheming friend...
A wooded road next to Tokyo-3, around the same time...
"I'll be there in fifteen minutes," Misato said into her phone as she quickly drove towards NERV HQ. "Launch all EVAs from numbers 32 through 35 and have them stand by. Over and out." She then hung up her phone as she took a quick glance outside the passenger-side window, where in the distance she could see what looked like a large, glowing double-helix ring floating above the tree line.
Minutes later, all four EVAs were rocketed to the surface at the intercept point. They then got in cover positions as they slowly made their way towards the ring, eventually coming to a stop.
"Target hovering over Ohwakudani, continuing to rotate in place," Shigeru reported.
"Target's AT-Field is active," Makoto followed up. At that moment, the doors to the bridge opened as Misato finally arrived.
"Everything all right?" Ritsuko asked her friend.
"Slight traffic issue, no big," Misato replied before turning her attention to the situation at hand. "Status?"
"Nothing but a staredown at the moment," Shigeru reported. "Well, staredown if that thing had any visible eyes."
Something on Makoto's screen suddenly caught his notice. "Pattern cycling from blue to orange!"
"What's that mean?" Misato asked.
"MAGI indicates no solution," Maya reported. "Not enough data at the moment."
"There is one clue we've just gotten though," Ritsuko grimly stated. "It means the shape the Angel's currently in isn't a fixed form."
Misato nodded before speaking to the pilots via the comms. "Hear that, guys? Don't make any moves for the moment-strictly observation until it blinks first."
Toji's eyes widened before he replied. "Uh, Misato-I think it's a little late for that..."
"I've got movement!" Asuka reported.
"It's coming..." Rei softly said.
At that moment, Armisael, the 16th Angel, shifted its form as the double-helix pattern began to contract, until it was a solid ring. Then it split at two ends and took on a more serpentine countenance, as one end then made its way to a target-Rei, and Unit-00...
"Rei, look out!" Misato shouted into the comms.
"No good," Makoto said alarmingly, "she won't be able to dodge in time!"
Sure enough, Armisael had pierced Unit-00's AT-Field, the forward tip sticking itself into the blue colossus's abdomen. Rei, with her EVA's free hand, tried to grip the slender Angel and hold it still while it fired off rounds into it, to no avail. Soon, weird growths began to appear on the abdomen as Armisael continued to dig in.
"Ah, nutbunnies!" Misato muttered under her breath. "Status of Unit-00?"
"In physical contact with the target," Shigeru reported.
"AT-Field's holding, but the more the Angel connects, the more eroded it becomes!" Maya added.
"Could it be trying to make first contact...?" Ritsuko wondered.
Within the entry plug, Rei soon began to feel the Angel's progress as she began to get some very unusual goosebumps.
"This is...most unpleasant..." she said with a wince.
"The Angel's digging into Unit-00's organics!" Maya alerted the crew.
"All Units, move in and get that thing off Rei!" Misato ordered.
"Yes, ma'am!" Shinji, Asuka, and Toji responded as they immediately moved into action. Each of their EVAs grabbed a portion of the Angel, but it wouldn't budge. Soon, what was happening to it was happening to the rest of them.
Misato gritted her teeth ever so slightly as she watched with trepidation. C'mon, Freakazoid, any time now...
The streets of Tokyo-3, earlier...
Freakazoid and Freakazette were along in their patrol, having dealt with a hijacking, a couple of attempted jewelry store robberies, and a cable company attempting to rip off a retirement home with exorbitant price estimates. Soon enough, they passed by a familiar police car.
"Hey Freakazoid, Freakazette," Sgt. Kusagabe greeted. "Wanna go to Megumi Reinard's autograph session?"
Both Freaks smiled wide as they looked at each other briefly. "DO WE?!" they enthusiastically replied.
Does this happen a lot? Mayumi asked incredulously via 'landline' between the two Freakazones.
Oh yeah, Kensuke answered with a slightly-exasperated sigh. Don't even get me started...
Minutes later, the three of them were at an anime specialty shop where a table had been set up for the guest of honor. A smiling Megumi Reinard carefully but quickly autographed a photo-collage of herself surrounded by her well-known characters and then handed it to Freakazette, the last of the trio to get hers.
"Thanks!" Freakazette said gleefully as she waved goodbye, the voice actress returning her wave and smile with her own. The three of them then exited the store, passing by the long line out the door.
"Man, meeting her was so cool! To see the lady behind so many memorable characters!" Freakazoid gushed.
"I know!" Freakazette said in turn. "And she's just as funny in real life!"
"Yeah, and she's quite a cutie," Kusagabe commented. "She reminds me of that one American voice actor, Tara Strong. Also a cutie. By the way, there's some large glowing ring flying over the woods on the other side of town. May be worth checking it out."
"You think so?" Freakazoid asked. "Could be a new type of sky-writing campaign."
"Anything else we should know?" Freakazette asked.
"Oh yeah, one other little thing," Kusagabe added. "It was a flying glowing double-helix ring, I'd heard."
The two Freaks looked at each other before saying the same thing: "Definitely an Angel."
"Let's get a move on!" Freakazoid shouted dramatically and with no small amount of ham, as he and Freakazette soon sped off in their usual 'flying' runs. While they ran through the streets of downtown, Freakazette summoned the Freakmobile via remote and it soon zoomed from the Freakalair to meet them. The two hopped in and Freakazoid took the wheel. R.O.D.D.Y. and Naoko then appeared (in split-screen format) on the small monitor on the Freakmobile's dashboard.
"What do we have, guys?" Freakazette asked.
"The 16th Angel's shown little sign of movement so far, but the EVAs are already being deployed topside," Naoko answered.
"I'm sendin' the Freakazord your way, just ta be on the safe side," R.O.D.D.Y. added. "Good luck to ye both, but don't get cocky. These beasties have been full o' many a surprise than we'd imagined."
"Well then, I guess we're just gonna have to keep on surprising them," Freakazoid said with a smirk as he flipped a few switches.
These in turn caused the Freakmobile to shift into its flying configuration as it took off from the street and into the sky. Soon it met up with the approaching Freakazord, and then underwent another transformation while being pulled towards the robot's back, which had opened into a corresponding compartment. Soon the two freaky machines linked, and the Freakazord now had a power-pack boosting its already considerable might. Freakazoid and Freakazette then appeared in the cockpit as they took the controls, and were soon on their way to the battle site. As they got closer and closer, they could make out Units-01 through 03 trying to remove the Angel from 00, only for them to face the same infection.
"Eeeewww," Freakazoid commented. "That's as bad as the 13th!"
"Glad I wasn't there for that one," Freakazette said as she then comically made all sorts of gagging faces.
They quickly picked up on some of the chatter among the pilots and the bridge.
"The other EVAs are showing signs of infection!" Maya reported alarmingly.
"At this rate, the Angel will be making more inroads into the EVAs' organics," Ritsuko added. "I don't know if they can shake it..."
"Looks like this is where we drop in," Freakazette said confidently.
"I hear that," Freakazoid agreed. "Let's make an entrance!" With that, the Freakazord briefly got into a runner's pose before zooming faster towards the battle site.
On the mental plane, at that moment...
Rei opened her eyes, and found herself in a blank, red environment, floating above what looked like an orange body of water. Soon, she found she wasn't alone. Standing before her, thigh-deep in the liquid, was to her surprise, herself. Or rather, herself from several months prior, if the short haircut was any indicator.
"Who are you?" the First Child inquired. "The Angel?"
"Won't you become one with me?" the reflection asked in turn, a slightly sinister edge to their voice.
Hearing this clinched it for Rei. "...You are the Angel," the bluenette stated. "The very one we are fighting in the real world right this moment."
"And you have grown beyond what this initial form represents to you," Armisael replied. "I see...But it is no use. It is too late now. I will share what is in my heart with you. This feeling..." Suddenly, the Angel's face turned into one of stark surprise. "Wait, there is...there is no longer any loneliness in your heart...No longer as much sorrow as there used to be...Why?"
Rei, upon seeing this reaction, was at first confused; but when she gave it some thought, she began to smile. "It is because I have opened myself up more," she replied. "These past several months have been nothing short of a revelation to me. I have made many friends, found things I enjoy, a talent I can hone. Before, I would have avoided human contact and life's bounty, but now...Actually, it may be better if I put these words to song."
With that, the environment changed, much to Armisael's surprise. Now they were in what looked like a theatrical stage, with a spotlight shown on them. Rei began to sing as soon as the music started...
[Suggested music: a karaoke version of "'Til Him" from The Producers.]
Rei:
No one ever made me feel like someone,
'Til them...
[Images of Shinji and Freakazoid then appeared out of thin air.]
My own life was nothing but a glum one,
'Til them...
[Soon followed by images of Asuka and Misato.]
My existence bordered on the tragic...
As a tool I never had a chance.
[The image of Freakazoid was then singled out.]
Then I felt his magic, and my heart began to dance...!
[Rei did a little twirl. The key of the music then changed.]
Others thought me alien and pallid,
'Til them...
[Images of Hikari and Toji then appeared.]
I'd been told emotions weren't valid,
'Til themmmm...!
[Images of Kensuke, Mayumi, and many others then appeared. To Armisael's further surprise, Rei was joined by the Broadway cast of The Producers, joining in on the song.]
All:
They filled up my empty life,
filled it to the hem...
There could never be such others
just like themmmmm...!
As soon as the song finished, Armisael was further startled by the sound of roaring applause from an unseen audience. The stage was then 'rained' on by roses thrown from the audience as Rei and the cast took their bows. Rei's face lit up when she was then handed a rose bouquet from hands that appeared from stage left, which she gleefully took. Armisael was speechless-it'd never anticipated this when it came time for it to make an attempt to reunite with the progenitor.
"I...I do not understand..." the gobsmacked 16th Angel said.
"It is because you have not spent time among humans," Rei responded as she moved closer to the Angel's mental avatar. "Even Leiliel, one of your own brethren, has come to enjoy this world. There are those among my circle of friends...my family...that I cannot thank enough for helping me blossom, as it were. But at the most, I must thank Freakazoid. Because of him, I have learned many unique and wonderous things about the world at large. How, for example, that wisdom can come from the unlikeliest of people, including fools with bowl cuts..."
She then held up four fingers on her right hand to the apprehensive Angel. "Pick two," she urged.
Armisael, confused, hesitated for a moment before selecting the index and middle finger. Rei then curled the ring and pinkie fingers, and with the two fingers still up, proceeded to swiftly poke Armisael in the eyes. "Nyuk-nyuk-nyuk!" the bluenette chuckled.
"OW!" Armisael exclaimed as it rubbed its eyes. When it reopened them, they went wide as it was met with an unexpected swift roundhouse kick from Rei.
"Haaaaaaaiiiii~!" Rei shouted as she landed the blow, the force of which sent Armisael reeling out of her mindscape.
In the real world, Armisael suddenly released its grip on Unit-00 as it was sent flying, almost by some unseen force. The other EVAs released their grips as the glowing, serpentine Angel as it staggered backwards, much to the surprise and confusion of all human observers.
"All EVA AT-Fields regenerating!" Maya happily reported.
"She did it," Ritsuko said with awe. "Rei somehow managed to beat back the infection!"
"And just in time, it looks like," Misato noted as she observed the screen.
"Freakazord closing in 15 seconds!" Shigeru reported.
Soon enough, the Freakazord landed next to the EVA quartet in its own battle stance.
"Sorry we're late, folks!" Freakazoid said. "Traffic was a bit tight."
"Now who's ready to show this overgrown piece of string cheese who's boss around here?" Freakazette playfully asked.
"We are!" all four pilots replied.
"Then let's get the ball rolling!" Freakazoid said. The Freakazord then proceeded to jump Armisael, still dazed from the roundhouse kick it received in Rei's mindscape. It struggled to break free from the red mecha's grip, and because it was fully mechanical, it couldn't fuse with it. Freakazette then pressed a button, which signaled a weapons locker to appear near the battlefield.
"Grab the stuff inside!" Freakazette urged. "The assembly instructions are included!"
The four EVAs then ran to the locker and opened it up. While Units-00, 01, and 03 began pulling out parts, 02 looked over the instruction manual (which thankfully was readable, as opposed to the kind of thing one would pick up at Ikea) and pointed to which parts went where. Soon the four EVAs had assembled the object, which turned out to be a tall pole. Over on the bridge, those watching were confused, especially Misato...until she noticed the giant volleyball next to the pole. She began to put together just what the purpose of the setup was as soon as the Freakazord came over and proceeded to tie one end of Armisael to the top of the pole and the ball to the other end. The Freakazord then looked at the four EVAs.
"You kids ever play tetherball?" Freakazoid asked.
The EVAs looked at one another, just as confused as the bridge was, before responding. "No."
"Rules are simple," the male wacky wonder informed them. "Each team stands on one side of the pole, and then they each have to hit the ball one way."
"One team hits it clockwise, the other hits counter," Freakazette added. "First team to wind the ball around the pole so the rope stops it without bouncing wins!"
Now understanding the specifics, the four EVAs split into teams. It turned out to be boys vs. girls, as Asuka and Rei got on one side with Shinji and Toji on the other. The staff on the bridge was speechless.
"Ready? And, start!" Freakazoid said as the Freakazord then blew a giant whistle hanging around its neck. Armisael, sensing the fate about to be visited upon it, visibly shuddered.
Toji kicked things off as he lightly tossed the ball in the air and then hit it going clockwise. When it reached the other side, Asuka responded in kind and sent it flying back towards the boys' side counter-clockwise. Shinji was the next to move, as he slapped the ball back, only for it to be met with Rei's hand. The game went on mostly in that pattern, Armisael getting more dizzy and nauseous with whiplash by the minute with each turn. Finally, Asuka brought the girls team on top with one mighty hit that sent the ball, and Armisael, twisting and winding super fast around the pole, till it finally came to a stop.
"Girls team wins!" Freakazette declared, the Freakazord raising its arm towards the girls' side. Both Unit-02 and Unit-00 proceeded to jump for joy.
Armisael, managing to regain its bearings, furiously unwound itself from the pole and tore free of both it and the ball as it took to the air. The sight of this ended the celebration and caused the EVAs to get back into their fighting stances. The Freakazord, on the other hand, dashed to the weapons locker just as Armisael made its move and darted towards Unit-00 again, intending to get back at Rei.
"Rei, think fast!" Freakazoid shouted as the Freakazord tossed an object towards Unit-00. The blue EVA caught it, and the rest of the human observers gaped with surprise when they saw the label on the handle, revealing it as an ACME giant-sized progressive cheese grater.
The minute Armisael got close enough to Unit-00, Rei struck. She got the Angel the moment it touched one of the serrated surfaces of the grater and proceeded to grate away at the creature, much to said creature's own shock. Unit-00 continued to vigorously grate Armisael until it reached the end of the serpentine Angel, leaving only a large pile of shavings in its wake. Unit-00 then fumbled around through the pile until it found the object of its search: Armisael's core. Tossing the red jewel-like orb into the air, the blue EVA then proceeded to hit it with one swift right hook that shattered it into tiny pieces, which in turn caused the pile of Armisael shavings to liquify into LCL.
No one said a word for a minute or two, until the majority of the bridge crew and command staff (save for Gendo and a reluctant Fuyutsuki) broke into cheers and applause.
"All pilots, mission accomplished!" Misato enthusiastically spoke into the comms before turning to the bridge bunnies. "Call off the alert."
"Roger that," a relieved Makoto replied, "switching immediately to condition green."
"All EVAs now returning to base," Maya added.
Misato then had her open a channel to the Freakazord, allowing her to quickly flash the Freaks a thankful salute. The beaming Freakazoid and Freakazette returned with ones of their own, each wearing a giant novelty foam hand (similar to the kind sold at sports stadiums). The two of them then hit a switch, and the Freakazord soon blasted off to return to the Freakalair, the day once again saved.
To be continued...
**Author's Note(s)**
And another one gone, another one gone, another Angel bites the dust!
Megumi Reinard is a character from one of my favorite anime, Martian Successor Nadesico (whose English dub shared a lot of talent from Evangelion's original dub). She's a former voice actress recruited to be the communications officer for the titular space battleship. Kusagabe calling her a cutie riffs on Cosgrove calling Carrie Fisher the same in "The Wrath of Gutierrez".
The Freakmobile linking up with the Freakazord is meant to parody how the core lander (I think that's how it's spelled?) links up with Shining (and later Burning) Gundam in Mobile Fighter G Gundam.
Rei's fight with Armisael within her mindscape sees her riff on one of the penultimate musical numbers from the Broadway version of Mel Brooks's The Producers, followed by another Moe Howard-patented move (with a sly reference to 2014's Silver Surfer, volume 7, issue 3).
Now for some fun, in the form of a pseudo-sequel to Freakazoid! season one, episode 4's segment "The Big Question". If you thought aliens wondering about the name of Barbie's little sister was weird, you ain't seen nothin' yet! (Also, see if you can spot a gag from another Mel Brooks classic, History of the World, Part 1!)
Omake 15 - The Second Big Question
The level of anticipation was quite high among the gathered joint NERV/JSDF group stationed near the Tokyo-3 city limits. Freakazoid and Freakazette were among them, in case things went south and required some superpowered assistance. The Evangelions were stationed behind some buildings, also as a contingency. Misato and a JSDF general looked through a pair of binoculars at the object of their current focus: a couple of strange, orb-shaped UFOs, just meters away from touchdown. Finally, after ten nerve-wracking minutes, the two ships landed, leaving small craters in their wake. Each ship opened up, and their respective passengers stood revealed. The gathered crowd was very astonished by their appearance.
The larger of the two aliens was a giant of a man, bald and with a thin handlebar mustache. He wore a black tunic with gold and black body armor, black gauntlets with thin gold bands at the wrists, and white boots with gold toes that matched the shoulder pads that flared out from his upper torso armor, and the loin guard that continued down from the middle section of the chest.
The shorter of the two was clean-shaven and had a black mane of hair that stood straight up and looked almost spiky, showing off quite the widow's peak on his forehead. He wore a blue bodysuit, white gloves, and a pair of white boots that also had golden toes. His torso armor was similar to the larger man's, but had white instead of black elements.
Both aliens had cocky smirks on their faces, wore strange-looking combination eye/earpieces on the right side of their heads, and had what looked like brown furry belts wrapped around their waists. Further surprising the observers, the two of them began to float into the air, the smirks disappearing from their faces. The larger alien then addressed the crowd in a booming voice.
"People of Earth!" he said, presenting the shorter alien next to him. "Vegeta, Prince of Saiyans, who has travelled across an unparalleled distance throughout the universe, comes before you seeking an answer to a vexing question. Know that any wrong answer will be met with annihilation!"
Muted chatter erupted among the crowd.
"SILENCE!" the larger alien commanded, which quieted the crowd below. "Vegeta, Prince of Saiyans-do not implore him for compassion! Vegeta, Prince of Saiyans-do not beg him for mercy! Vegeta, Prince of Saiyans-do not lie to him or think he will succumb to trickery! Let's face it, you can't Veget'im outta anything!" He then turned and nodded to the prince he served, who then hovered forward. Vegeta then pointed towards the crowd-specifically, towards Misato.
"You there, woman in red," Vegeta said. "Speak."
The others looked to Misato, herself surprised by being singled out. Slightly swallowing, Misato then looked up at Vegeta.
"What is the question you want answered?" the NERV tactical ops director asked, showing as much courage as she could muster.
A pause lingered in the air, neither side moving, all eyes transfixed on the staredown between the human woman and the Saiyan prince. Finally, the latter spoke.
"Eddie from Frasier," Vegeta began to ask, "what was the real name of the dog who played him?"
A wave of utterly dumbfounded surprise washed over Misato and the rest of the crowd, right up to the teenage EVA pilots, sweat drops emerging next to their heads. Misato and the two Freaks immediately huddled as they brainstormed in whisper.
"Uh, was it Wishbone?" Misato asked. "I only saw a little bit of Frasier, the show was never my cup of tea."
"No no, that's another character played by a dog," Freakazoid replied. "And that was in a kids show."
"Let me handle this one," Freakazette volunteered. "Of us two, I'm more of the TV pets specialist."
Misato nodded in agreement. "Good luck," she said. Freakazette then turned to look up and stepped forward to address Vegeta.
"There were actually two dogs who played Eddie!" Freakazette said to the Saiyan prince. "The first was Moose, and the second was his son Enzo!"
Vegeta held a hand to his chin as he seemed to consider this. "Two dogs...Hmmm...Moose and Enzo..." He then turned to face his large underling. "Nappa! We're leaving. Spread the word to the others-Eddie was played by two dogs: Moose and Enzo!"
Nappa nodded and the two floated back down to their spherical ships, which then closed up and proceeded to blast off. The two spheres were soon on their way, going higher and higher up until they were out of sight.
The gathered crowd then looked at one another, sweat drops also emerging by their heads, before breathing a collective sigh of relief.
Freakazoid then turned to address us with a grin. "What was it they said about too much TV being bad for you again?" he said with a wink.
