Four Years

Summer: The Weight You Carry

Izzy climbed out of the van after Amy and found himself in a clearing deep in the woods. Normally, anyone who hadn't received the appropriate shots and completed the forms wouldn't be allowed on the field site. But tonight, the students weren't working directly with bats, so Dr. Johnson approved Amy's request to bring a visitor.

The transition from a mundane vehicle to the heart of a forest was jarring. Lights on tall stands defined the edges of the work area, which was little more than dirt, grass, folding lawn chairs, some generators, and computer equipment being unloaded from the SUVs. A vague impression of a large, decrepit building loomed in the darkness, the house where the bats roosted during the day.

He trailed behind Amy, head turning this way and that. Although he had accomplished countless hours of programming, data management, research, and studying, Izzy had never witnessed field work. The kids moved around him, setting up the site with choreographed chaos. Bit by bit, the clearing built up, until most of the kids had their own laptop and spot. Some of them remained walking around, apparently checking on supplies and trading information.

He hovered on the edge of the clearing, feeling awkward, as Amy went from group to group, holding a notepad and pen. She seemed to be delegating and answering questions, and Izzy watched, riveted, unsure what to make of an Amy that was comfortable being in charge.

After making her rounds, Amy returned to him. "Geez, I'm sorry. I should have offered you a seat already..." She led him to a free pair of lawn chairs near a flood light on the edge of the clearing, with their backs to an endless swath of tall, dark, chittering trees. Izzy sat beside her and watched her open her laptop.

For a while, he gazed at her screen, watching her enter data, calculate, generate charts and graphs, and reference official-looking documents. Although he was interested, his attention slowly shifted to their surroundings. He hadn't felt the cool caress of summer night air in years, and he had never heard the cacophony of the forest.

"I thought it would be silent in the woods," he said. Instead, there was a riot of noise: insects, frogs, and the occasional flapping that was likely evidence of a bat.

The glow of Amy's laptop lit part of her face, highlighting the corner of her grin. "I know, right? But night time is active time for lots of critters."

"What do you normally do?" Izzy asked. "I take it tonight is somewhat atypical."

"We often arrive earlier, so we can catch a few bats as they leave to hunt. But we've been doing that less as we microchip more of the colony and install hands-off ways to gather data, which is loaded to their microchips."

"So, at this stage, you're processing that data?"

"That's what the others are doing, mostly. Some of them check the equipment and order anything we might need. At this stage, I'm talking with Dr. Johnson about what is needed for her report to the local government."

"That's amazing."

Amy's smile broadened, but she flapped a hand dismissively. "It's nothing compared to what you can do. I'm just taking the data and compiling it like last year's report."

Izzy leaned closer, hoping to capture and hold her attention. "No, it's remarkable. My work might be perceived as more difficult- it requires a body of acquired knowledge, plus the ability to problem solve and innovate. But your work here requires coordination of team members and has a real-world impact on the environment. Functionally, I sit at a computer and provide a product for an end user. Your efforts could change the local environment for the better. That's huge."

Pleasure transformed Amy's round, nondescript features, until she seemed to shine in the dim clearing. Charmed, Izzy took her hand, and she glanced away, shy, but still smiling. He leaned closer still, quite forgetting that they were at her place of work, and not on some odd nocturnal ramble. But before he slid close enough to press a kiss to her cheek, someone sighed above him, long and loud, like a dramatic preteen.

"God, they're just bats. I bet the legislature doesn't even read the report."

Amy's happiness vanished as abruptly as turning off a switch, taking her light with it. She turned to her screen with grim determination. "Hey, Angela. Do you need something?"

Izzy tipped his head back to see a short, scowling girl with black hair and light brown skin standing over them. Angela stared at him, and Izzy glanced at Amy for cues, but she was still focused on her computer. He could tell that Amy didn't like her, and the two sentences Angela had provided thus far hardly pointed in her favor.

Wait, didn't Amy mention an Angela? Something about her having a boyfriend and showing off his gifts? He didn't have time to recall Amy's exact words; Angela was responding.

"Isn't that your boyfriend?"

Amy finished entering a number before replying. "Yes. This is Izzy. Izzy, Angela."

"Izzy? Is that a name?" Before either of them could respond, Angela continued, "Why did you drag your boyfriend into the woods in the middle of the night?"

Izzy glanced at Amy and found that her mouth had set into a hard line. He brushed her hand, hoping to reassure her. "I'm clear on my own name, thank you. And I asked Amy to bring me here. I'm interested in her work; I consider her showing me around a favor."

He paused, unsure of whether or not to continue. Social situations were hardly his forte, but he knew from last night that something about Angela made Amy feel insecure. And so, he tilted towards Amy and said, "Thank you again for taking the time to explain what you do."

"Oh!" Amy looked away from her screen at last. "I- That's so sweet, but really, I'm happy you wanted to come."

"Of course. May I ask what these legislature is looking for in your report?"

Amy glanced up, and Izzy followed her gaze. Angela was walking away. Amy slumped back in her lawn chair as the tension sloughed from her shoulders and back.

"What was that about?" Izzy murmured. Amy shrugged.

"Can't get into it here. I can tell you about the reports, though."

Izzy nodded and moved his chair closer to hers, to better see her work.

XXX

Amy and Izzy walked towards Amy's dorm from the cafeteria, sluggish after an enormous lunch. Since Izzy was visiting, she took time off from work to be with him. There weren't many activities available near the campus, but Amy found ways to celebrate, including eating heavy foods that she avoided when she knew she'd be at the mercy of the porta-potty at her research site later.

Sighing, Amy rubbed her stomach. "I'm so full..."

Izzy grinned. "I suspected as much when you didn't eat that cookie."

Amy glanced at the enormous chocolate chip cookie she held. The summer heat warmed the chips, adhering them to the clear wrapper in a gooey, delicious mess. Her tongue demanded she eat it; her stomach threatened mutiny if she dared.

"I'll eat it later," she sighed, admitting defeat. She examined its ridiculous proportions and added, "Maybe we should share it..."

Izzy cocked a thick eyebrow. "Mitigating the damage?" Grinning, Amy elbowed his side. Their playful chatter continued until they reached Amy's floor in her dorm.

A strange, half-muffled sound whispered down the hallway. Amy shared a glance with Izzy, who shrugged and continued moving towards her room. The closer they came, the clearer the noise grew.

"Do you think someone is crying?" Amy whispered.

Izzy nodded, frowned, and tipped his head. "Is it ruder to ignore it, or investigate?"

"Depends, probably." Amy unlocked her door and opened it, but didn't enter. "I'll check it out and come back."

Izzy paused, considering. "Well, you're certain to be more successful than I would. I'll wait." He entered her room, but didn't close the door. Amy wondered if he hoped to listen in, or if he wanted to provide her with a fast exit route. Regardless, she left the door open and moved towards the crying.

The dorms were usually empty around early and mid afternoon, since most of the kids rooming here worked night shifts. The hall was lined with shut doors, save for Amy's and one other, from which the crying issued.

Amy paused near the open door, flummoxed. When she cried, she wanted to be alone, or with someone she loved and trusted. She would never choose to be vulnerable in front of the whole floor, but the crying person had opened their door. Did that mean they wanted help? Awkward and unsettled, Amy peeked into the room... And found Angela face-down at her desk, sobbing into her crossed arms.

Ah, shit. Amy glanced over her shoulder, seeking guidance that wouldn't be there. The dislike between her and Angela seemed to be mutual. Surely, she wouldn't want Amy to see her like this. But why leave the door open if she isn't looking for help? But what can I do?

Despite the dread spreading in her stomach, joining the already-unpleasant sensation of being too full from lunch, Amy knocked on the door frame. Angela spun around, face red, blotchy, and wet. She stared at Amy, who fought the urge to turn and flee. Something about Angela's bewilderment suggested that she had hoped that someone else- anyone else- would check on her.

"Uh, um." A crinkling sound drew Amy's attention, and she glanced at her cookie, which had broken into two pieces. Amy stilled her twitchy hands and asked, "Are you alright?"

A thick, syrupy sob erupted into a fresh wave of tears that threatened to wash away Angela's face. Before she knew what was happening, Amy was standing over her, searching for injuries. "Are you hurt?!"

Angela seized the tissue box from her desk and ripped out a handful of sheets. "He, he left!"

"W-what?" Amy retreated a step. Angela didn't seem to be physically hurt, and she wasn't sure that she was equipped to help with anything else.

Angela wiped her face and blew her nose, a loud and drawn-out affair. At last, she tossed the tissues into the bin under the desk and said, "Ramon. He said he was bored in the middle of nowhere and left."

"Oh..." Amy hesitated. The dorm had a visitor's policy stating that guests weren't supposed to stay overnight for more than three consecutive nights, but she knew better than to invoke that rule now. "Um... I'm sorry. I guess he had something important to do?"

Somehow, Angela managed to laugh and cry simultaneously. Amy took another step back as she cried, "Yeah, like his other girl! What a bastard!"

Double shit! Amy glanced over her shoulder at the open door. Was running a viable option? "I, I'm sorry to hear that."

"He was only even here to get away from his parents over the summer! And when here was too boring, he, he left for the first girl who would take him!"

Amy shifted her weight, increasingly uncomfortable and baffled. Why was Angela telling her this? Amy knew that people turned to others for support, but she wasn't friends with Angela.

But then... There was no one else around. Amy had no way of knowing whether the others were simply out before their shift started, or whether they had fled Angela's crying. Regardless, she had to deal with this as gracefully as she could.

"I'm sorry," Amy repeated. "No one deserves to be treated like that." She had no more words to offer, so she placed the wrapped cookie on Angela's desk. "Please, take care of yourself."

Angela's eyes filled anew with free-flowing tears. Amy hesitated, hating that Angela was hurting, but having nothing else to say or do to help. Amy excused herself and retreated to her room. Even after shutting her door, she could still hear Angela.

Izzy rose from her desk chair and approached. "Is everything alright?"

Amy winced. "There isn't an emergency, but... Well, I guess Angela broke up with her boyfriend."

"Ah..." Izzy took a seat on her bed, and Amy sat beside him. "That's the abrasive girl from last night, correct? You mentioned having issues with her."

Amy stared at her closed door, listening to the crying leaking through. "It doesn't matter," she said. "After this summer, I'm unlikely to see her again. She attends a different college."

Izzy's hand brushed hers, and Amy intertwined their fingers. "I see," he said. "I'm glad to hear that you aren't bothered, but I am a bit surprised. You seemed troubled by her."

Amy offered a tiny smile. She didn't like to feel cheerful when someone else was in pain, but... Well, someone else's feelings weren't her responsibility, especially when she wasn't involved at all.

"I was too in my own head, I think. I was worried about things with you, and feeling lonely, and... Well, Angela acted like she had everything anyone could want. But, I guess... Someone who truly is happy doesn't go out of their way to be difficult to someone else." Amy paused, then sighed. "Maybe I shouldn't take life lessons away from someone else's misfortune…"

Laughing, Izzy leaned into her, propping his side against hers. "Learning from everything around you is wisdom, isn't it? If you saw someone walk into a glass wall, there's nothing immoral about walking around the wall yourself. Furthermore, I notice that you're missing your cookie."

Embarrassed, Amy rose and stepped towards her dresser. "Nevermind. Let's get ready for our walk with Dyani."

The bed creaked as Izzy stood. "Very well. And don't worry... We'll pick up another cookie on the way back."

And suddenly, Amy's cheeks were hot. She was grateful to be facing away from him. "Well- I- She was sad!"

She twitched when Izzy's hand brushed hers. "I wasn't teasing," he said softly. "I was admiring."

Amy grabbed the dresser for purchase as heat turned to wooziness. "I-Izzy," she stammered. What else could she say?

Fortunately, Izzy didn't press. "I can't say I've hiked in the woods before. What should I bring? I'm not sure if I brought the proper gear…"

Amy waited a beat to compose herself, then leaped on the new subject with eagerness- and gratitude.

XXX

Amy walked behind Dyani, following her through the dim, cool woods. Izzy had returned home Sunday evening. Amy didn't notice her behavior changing after he left, but Dyani claimed that she needed a walk to cheer her up.

And, of course, Dyani was right. Because of his responsibilities at school, Izzy could only spare a few days with her. Amy wouldn't return home for a few weeks... And then, she would have to survive two weeks with her family before returning to campus and her friends. So, while seeing Izzy eased the strain between them, now that he was gone, her mood and morale were low.

Amy walked in silence- or, rather, she didn't speak, and Dyani didn't engage her. She listened to the crunch of sticks and plants beneath her feet, and to the distant tinkling of moving water, growing and changing as they approached the lake. The trees turned to dark pillars, stark against brightness as the clearing appeared.

The girls set up on the rusty sand near the water, dropping their things and spreading towels. Dyani undressed to swim, but Amy lazed on the shore, staring at the small waterfall that fed the lake and the mossy rocks it rolled over. She soaked in the music of the forest: bird song, the flitting of wings, the shuffling of squirrels among the branches, all muted by the rush of water. The sun soaked her skin, until she felt gooey and glowing.

Amy startled, jarred from a waking dream, when Dyani called her. Somewhat discombobulated, she shifted towards the lake and lifted herself with her elbows. Dyani faced her, treading water beneath the surface. Her expression was placid, save for the interest in her dark eyes.

"How did your boyfriend's visit go? I hope I am not prying, but... Well, I am curious. You seem both sad and more relaxed."

Amy grinned, touched. Dyani seemed detached, and, from what Amy knew of her, likely cultivated that persona on purpose, to avoid rooting herself anywhere. But by now, Amy knew Dyani was caring- but shy and reluctant to show it, in a way that almost reminded her of Izzy.

"I didn't think you liked gossip," Amy joked, hoping to ease any discomfort Dyani might feel about asking.

The corner of Dyani's mouth briefly rose. "Asking after my friend is not gossip."

Amy knew that her smile had gone goofy, but what could she do? She was far too pleased to bother reigning herself in. "That's true," was her warm response. She eased onto her side, facing Dyani, welcoming the conversation- and the intimacy. "We patched things up- you probably noticed."

Dyani nodded. "You seemed at ease together."

Amy ignored the pang in her chest as she recalled walking through the forest, hand-in-hand with Izzy, sharing what she had learned about the local environment while Dyani offered input. "Y-yeah. It was really fun..."

"He had to return?" Dyani asked.

"Mm. He's really busy at school. He's taking summer classes- he's trying to graduate early and start on his master's degree. But he also works for one professor and TAs for another, plus he does some tutoring."

Dyani tipped her head in acknowledgment. "That does sound like a lot."

"Yeah," Amy sighed. "I worry about him burning out. He doesn't take good care of himself under normal circumstances. He'll work all day and realize that it's night, and he hasn't eaten or even moved for hours."

"But you did make up?" Dyani asked, prodding Amy back on task.

"Yes. He cleared up some misunderstandings, and he's dropping TA duties after the summer semester, so he won't be as busy. Moving forward, we have to work on communication. I have a hard time saying what I need to, and he..." Amy hesitated; it wasn't her place to imply that lingering damage from Izzy's last relationship sometimes got in the way of his current one. After a pause, she shrugged and continued, "It's not magically fixed, but we both want to work on things."

Dyani's smile was more resigned than pleased. "You'll always be working on it. There's never an ending point for relationships, a time when everything is figured out and forever settled."

"You don't believe in happily ever after?" Though the words were teasing, Amy spoke them to mask her discomfort. She had never thought of relationships as entities in need of eternal upkeep and adaptation, but hearing Dyani say so... Well, it sounded soberingly true. She wasn't sure if she was ready to acknowledge that, let alone accept it.

Dyani's hand broke the water's surface to rub her neck. Amy's eyes followed the resulting ripples, which were easier to observe than signs of uncertainty from Dyani. "That is partially why I prefer independence. A relationship is a constant commitment, especially between partners. Every day, both parties have to consciously choose to be giving and present for one another. That is... a lot."

"Mm." What else could she say? While Amy admired Dyani's maturity, she wondered if it wasn't better to identify some heavier truths later in life. She was aware that she had already given Izzy a frightening percentage of her heart and thoughts. Someday, if they ended up building a life together, how much more would she devote to him? Was it better to be cautious upfront, or to dive in and hope for the best? Amy knew that too much caution could rob her of meaningful experiences, just as too little could expose her to mistakes and pain.

But how was she supposed to find the line between caution and trust?

She was still considering when Dyani said, "So you feel better about your relationship with Izzy. And yet... You are sad?"

Amy groaned, rolled onto her stomach, and smushed her face against the towel. "I'm fine," she said, her voice flat and muted by proximity to the sand. "I just... miss him. I miss home."

Dyani was silent for so long that Amy lifted her head to check on her. Dyani's long, thin fingers trailed over her chin. "It is interesting," she murmured. "I am longing to move on to somewhere new. You are longing to return. I wonder... does that longing feel the same, even if we want opposite things?"

Amy blinked, then cushioned her head with her arms as she considered. She soon gave up on Dyani's question, then on wondering what Dyani was thinking. Instead, she acknowledged how grateful she was to have befriended Dyani, despite all the difficulties her internship had presented.

The sound of splashing knocked Amy back into attention. Dyani was swimming again, a leisurely back paddle. "Regardless, we have no choice but to finish our internships. We should make the best of our time here." She rotated, then swam back towards Amy, staying within talking distance.

"With all that has happened, we never did end up talking about soccer. I forgot to ask who you know on our university's team. You said you are related to one of the players?"

"Oh, yeah." Amy stretched, feeling lazy again as the topic shifted to something easy. Lulled and peaceful, she murmured, "Tai is my cousin. Ah- you might know him as Tyler on the roster, number 7, a striker."

The splashing came to an abrupt halt, leaving only the natural sounds of the current. Amy half-roused from her sun-induced stupor to investigate. Dyani was treading water again, no longer swimming. "Tai?" she repeated.

"Um, yeah?" Amy lifted her upper body, confused and mildly alarmed by Dyani's wide eyes, which seemed strange on a face that was often composed. "You can't miss him- his hair is like this." She held her hands roughly half a foot above her head.

Dyani cupped her forehead, looking dazed. "Well, there is no mistake, then."

With intense effort, Amy hauled herself into a sitting position. "You know him?" It was a silly question- that much was obvious. The better question was, What did his stupid ass do to you?

Although she still looked stunned, Dyani smiled, granting her a manic appearance. "We met at a Valentine's Day party."

And, for a second, Amy's brain shut off, delaying the inevitable moment when the evidence coalesced into a horrible conclusion. "No," she breathed, winded despite lounging on the shore. "You were his one-night stand?"

"Oh, dear." Dyani's astonishment morphed into a tiny smile. "He told you about that?"

"No details," Amy wheezed. "I just knew that he went to that party to hook up, and that he did." And, even through her shock, a cohesive thought rose. Damn, Tai! When did your taste in girls get so good?! God, good for him!

Dyani's smile warmed and grew. "Ah, good. That is exactly what I said to anyone who knew I attended that party."

Any tensed, suddenly and inexplicably offended. "I mean, there's nothing embarrassing about Tai-"

"Of course not. But it is rude to kiss and tell. He struck me as a decent person. It would have been disappointing to hear otherwise."

Amy gaped at her friend, still treading water with just her head and shoulders visible, surrounded by floating strands of long black hair. Now that the shock was wearing off, Amy acknowledged that two college kids consensually hooking up was hardly surprising. Still, questions crowded her brain... But she wasn't sure if voicing them would be prying.

"You don't mind hooking up?" Trusting a stranger with something so intimate and vulnerable seemed insane to Amy, but then... She had no basis for viewing sex as pleasurable. In her mind, hooking up was all risk, no reward. If Dyani could provide another perspective, she wanted to hear it.

"I enjoy sex," Dyani said, with a calmness that Amy could only admire. "But as we have discussed, I am not interested in a relationship. I am fortunate that hooking up is seen as normal on a college campus."

Which implies that she's been places where it's frowned upon. "That makes sense," Amy said. Then, hoping she wasn't crossing a line, she added, "Is hookup sex good? I guess it must be exciting... But I also guess you can't tell what you're getting ahead of time."

Dyani gazed at her for a few beats. "Is it fair to assume that you don't have much experience?"

Amy's eyes fell from Dyani's with a speed suggesting a sharp increase in their gravitational pull. "That's fair," she murmured. "I had sex once. It was... probably the worst thing that's happened to me."

Splashing drew Amy's attention, and she looked up in time to see Dyani rise from the water and approach. She moved her towel beside Amy's and stretched out. There was a wet, cool touch on Amy's hand, and Dyani's pointer finger curled around hers.

"I am sorry to hear that. Would you rather not talk about this?"

Amy beat down a nonsensical rush of defensiveness, then took a deep breath. "I want to talk about it. Not what happened to me, but sex in general. I feel like I don't have many people to ask, and I don't want to be so clueless about it, but I also- I'm not looking to dive in? Or, well... I guess I am, just..."

"With Izzy," Dyani supplied. "You mentioned before that he is not interested."

Amy shrugged. "It's not that he isn't interested. He has a history, too."

Dyani frowned, but her eyes were soft with concern. "That is troubling. When one partner is unsure of sex, it is better for the other to be confident. If you are both struggling..."

"There's no one to lead," Amy agreed. "We trust one another, but I think... Neither of us is sure what to do, or how comfortable the other really is, or even what we're ready for. I keep thinking I could do anything with Izzy... But could I, really?" Amy placed her palm over the sudden knot of tension in her stomach. "When I think about it, I'm just as anxious as excited."

"I think you will be fine." Dyani squeezed her hand reassuringly. "If you both take care of one another, the rest will settle in time. When I hook up, I can only know what I will get if my partner has a reputation. I cannot know for sure if they will take care of me. I trust myself to take care of myself, but in your case... You know your boyfriend well, yes?"

"I..." Amy paused, considering. She met Izzy in late August, just before her first semester began, and they started dating around Halloween. It was midsummer now, nearly a year later. She vaguely recalled reading somewhere that it took two years minimum to truly know someone, and she knew that Izzy had more to tell her about his past. Heck, she only learned that he was adopted a few days ago.

And yet...

Amy wrapped her fingers around Dyani's hand, enjoying both the contact and the post-swim coolness of her skin. "I think so... I feel like I know him, his character, even if I don't have all the details. And... I know he'd try to take care of me. But I also know he might fail, and then panic and withdraw. Like you said, I don't think either of us are on solid enough ground to lead the other. And I don't know what to do about that."

"Have you considered therapy?"

Amy rolled onto her side to stare at her friend. She couldn't read Dyani, except for a sense of caution in the tight set of her shoulders. "I mean no offense," Dyani continued. "A good therapist can give you more skills without weight, and those are helpful for everyone."

Amy paused, observing the complex web of impressions forming and shifting before her eyes. "You've had therapy?" That seemed impossible- Dyani was so mature, so balanced.

"Are you surprised?" Dyani asked, with a grin that said she knew the answer. "Yes. I was carrying so much all the time... And my goal is to travel lightly."

"But how did you afford it?" The only time Amy ever worked up the courage to ask for mental heath help from her mother, she was told it was too expensive- and that she had better straighten herself out on her own, in a derisive tone that still hurt.

"There are resources out there for people who are willing to look, and to do the paperwork. But you are in luck, since you are a college student on campus. There are mental health resources available."

Amy's eyes widened. "Really?! For free? And my parents wouldn't know?"

"Yes, free, to a point. I don't know the specifics, but I'm sure the guidance counselors would tell you. All you have to do is ask."

Amy rolled onto her back and stared at the blue expanse overhead, rolling with puffy clouds. After all this time, wishing she could have help, but knowing her parents wouldn't fund it... Could she find some support?

Was she even ready to?

In a tone more fragile than she cared to admit, Amy asked, "Is it hard? Therapy."

Dyani's soft, low laugh was like music, at least to Amy. "Of course. But it is worth it, if you find the right therapist. Are you familiar with cognitive behavioral therapy?"

This is all new to me- and scary. "No. What's that?"

"It is a talk-based form of psychotherapy. Your therapist will help you identify the problems you are facing, how you think and feel about those problems, and teach you healthier ways to approach them. And you can use those skills forever."

"Skills with no weight," Amy murmured, echoing what seemed to be Dyani's favorite phrase.

"That reduce the weight you carry."

Amy searched for shapes in the clouds while she absorbed Dyani's words. Their exact meaning felt nebulous, but Amy thought she was beginning to understand. There were skills that could support you, like playing guitar or knowing how to get help from campus resources. There were also skills that could increase confidence and make you feel safer, more able, like self-defense… And, by the sound of it, like cognitive behavior therapy.

"I'm scared," Amy admitted at last. "I, I feel scared more than I should, I think. But... If there's a chance I can feel better..." If there's a way I can heal...

"Setting out to change yourself is scary," Dyani said. "But... are you happy with how things are?"

Oof. Amy winced at the sky. Her instinct was to shove that loaded question aside, but... Of course, it was a good question, and an important one.

"It's not that I dislike myself," she began, feeling her way through her thoughts. "And it's not that I'm miserable. But..."

But I rely too much on my friends, and I'm afraid of being alone. But I'm frightened of so many things I shouldn't be frightened of. But I want to enjoy my relationship with Izzy without being held back by my last relationship. But I'm still having those terrible nightmares.

"Do you really think things could get better?" Amy asked.

"There is no way to know for sure, not ahead of time," Dyani said. "But I think trying is always worth it."

"Do you mind if I change the subject?"

"Hm?"

Amy released Dyani's hand, rolled onto her side, and lifted herself with one elbow. She grinned, hoping to signal a shift in mood as well as topic. There didn't seem to be much more to say about therapy now- it was up to Amy to either pursue the idea or not. Meanwhile, other nagging questions were beginning to grow louder, more insistent in the back of her mind.

"There's something I've always wondered. I do not want details- just a yes or no, okay?"

Dyani's wet hair flopped over her shoulder as her head tipped, visibly puzzled. "Sure."

Despite having shifted topics herself, Amy hesitated. Tai was family; while some part of her knew that he was good-looking, the information was useless. Amy's expression contorted with concentration as she mentally pulled up his face: warm, playful eyes with those golden flecks, a defined chin and jaw, and the capacity for a smirk that could spike pulses, at least for a few beats. And, of course, he was an athlete built for speed, slim and toned.

In a horrible moment of clarity, she realized that of course people were attracted to him. Hell, people probably wanted to get nasty with him.

Although they were alone in the woods, Amy inched closer and cut her volume in half, as if the trees might hear and judge. "I'm sorry if this is inappropriate, but... I've had to listen to Tai brag about how good he is in bed for years. Is he full of shit?"

Whatever Dyani was expecting, it wasn't that. Amy watched, proud and pleased, as the unflappable Dyani laughed until her face flushed and liquid pooled in her eyes. "No details!" Amy chided, setting off another round of laughter.

Finally, Dyani flopped on her towel with a groan. "I have no complaints."

Although it felt disloyal, Amy couldn't hide her surprise. "Really- He isn't full of shit?"

Dark, delighted eyes landed on Amy's. "Do not tell him this- he seemed like he did not need any boosts to his confidence-"

"There's an understatement," Amy murmured, and was rewarded with a wide grin.

Sighing, Dyani inched closer. "Normally, a good hook up leaves me satisfied, but I rarely think about it later. There is no desire to see the person again, no curiosity about them. But with Tai..."

She crossed her arms beneath her head, using them like a pillow. "I have been able to consistently see the same person for sex without any danger of catching feelings. But, if I continued seeing Tai..."

"You like him?!"

Dyani's deadpan gaze didn't reduce Amy's astonishment or delight in the least. "He is my type," Dyani admitted. "I like the soccer build, and he was laid-back and friendly... And very much in tune with his body, and mine."

Amy had no clue how to react to Dyani's mischievous smile, except that she suddenly felt a little hot. "O-okay," she squeaked. "We're heading into 'too much info' town."

"You asked," Dyani said, grinning.

"He's looking for a girlfriend," Amy said helpfully.

"And I am not looking for a relationship. Which is why I know better than to see him again."

I tried, Tai. With her duty to her cousin done, Amy eased back onto the towel. "Well, I'm glad he treated you right."

"It was a very good night."

Something about Dyani's tone left Amy so jittery that she couldn't look at her. Amy sat up, ripped off her top, and stood. Her shorts followed, revealing her bathing suit beneath. She made a show of looking at her bare wrist and said, "Oh look, it's time to swim."

And Dyani's beautiful laughter followed her to the river. The cool water was bracing, sucking out the warmth of the sun, but not the soft warmth that seemed to rise from inside of her. Amy acknowledged that her friend was a singular and powerful woman, and that she was lucky to have her.

Then she desperately tried to focus on her swim.

Author's Notes:

Four Years has sat untouched for over three years. I'm just as surprised to be here today as you might be! In that interim, I finished a few longfics, knocked out some oneshots, and completed After August, a story I very much needed to write. It did so much for me emotionally, so I hope you will give it a read, too!

But now that I've done that, it's time to continue with Four Years! I will be updating this fic every other weekend with pre-written material for… Well, for a few months, at least! So please look forward to a long string of consistent updates for this story.

I do wonder if I stalled out on this fic because I was frankly… Well, bored of the summer arc. I will definitely not split the kids up like this again for a prolonged period. Four Years is an ensemble piece; that's a huge part of the charm. I had to move Amy away from the other kids because of her dependency issues, but NEVER AGAIN.

That said, I can't abandon the plotline at this point- but I can close it ASAP. Next chapter, we'll finally see Amy's home life, which will explain a lot about her. It's an emotionally tough read, but I'm so looking forward to sharing it with you at last.

I stalled out on editing and reposting old chapters of Four Years (and posting them to AO3 as I complete them), but I am hoping to slooooowly continue doing that.

Please do check out my tumblr, where I am posting profiles for the Four Years kids! I'm also ahiddenpath there. Ah! And please review, it would mean the world to me! I'm so glad we're on this journey together again!