Announcer: "The following chapter of Super-Wackos of EVA: NERV Freaks Out features a musical number by guest composer Lin-Manuel Miranda. So unless you're a fan of Broadway musicals or musical theater in general, or have been living under a rock since before the 2015 Tony Awards, then this chapter isn't for you. And now, our next chapter."

Episode 35 - And Now You Know...The Rei-st of the Backstory

It had been an interesting, if somewhat nerve-wracking afternoon for Rei. Just an hour or so ago, she stood facing the gathered holographic projections of Gutierrez and the rest of the Committee, as she was interviewed by them about her experience during the last Angel battle. Deep down, she was relieved that it was Gutierrez at the helm and not Kihl, since based on past conversations with Gendo she wouldn't have liked speaking with the old cyborg. For now, she was just glad that the interview was done so she could focus on the task at hand. She was to meet up with Shinji, Asuka, Ritsuko, Misato, and Kaji, and once they joined up with Freakazoid and Freakazette (having sneaked in via Lilith's chamber), she and Ritsuko would show them the rest of Terminal Dogma, and thus the circumstances of her creation. She took a few deep breaths as she finally joined up with the others at a specific elevator bank, the location of which was given to them by Ritsuko.

"You okay, Wundergirl?" Asuka asked with concern. "They didn't grill you too hard, did they?"

"I am fine," Rei replied. "Though I was unaware they would be serving barbecued food."

The others blinked upon hearing this, not expecting the First Child to respond with a joke, unintentional as it was. It caused them to snicker for a brief moment before they collected themselves, just as Ritsuko finally joined them.

"Everyone ready?" the chief scientist of NERV asked.

"As we'll ever be," Misato replied.

"Well, then," Kaji started to say as the elevator doors opened, slightly bowing, "ladies first."

Misato, Ritsuko, Asuka, and Rei entered the elevator first, with Shinji and Kaji stepping in afterwards. Once the doors closed, they descended into the lower levels of NERV HQ, until finally, they reached Terminal Dogma, passing by many a warning sign with varying levels of severity (KEEP OUT! AUTHORIZED PERSONNEL ONLY! WE MEAN IT, KEEP OUT! NO, REALLY, WE SERIOUSLY MEAN IT! IF YOU'RE NOT AUTHORIZED TO BE DOWN HERE, VAMOOSE!). When the elevator doors opened, the group (well, all but Rei) found themselves surprised by the sight of the Freaks sitting at a small table playing what looked like a version of Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots, though with miniature EVAs. The Freaks turned to face the new arrivals and smiled and waved hello. A puzzled look then appeared on Freakazoid's face.

"I just remembered-what if someone notices you're down here?" the male wacky wonder asked.

"We've got that taken care of," Ritsuko replied with a small smile, "I've got Maya, Hyuga, and my mother running electronic interference for us upstairs. No one else knows we're here." She then turned to face Shinji and Asuka. "Are you sure you two are up for this? Once we show you all of it, there's no turning back."

Both the Third and Second Children nodded affirmatively.

"We're sure," Asuka said.

"We want to see the secrets in there with our own eyes," Shinji added.

"All right then," Ritusko said as she addressed everyone. "Don't say I didn't warn you." The group then started its 'tour' in one room that looked like something out of an old Frankenstein movie. (Or one of the bad Re-Animator sequels.)

"YECH!" Freakazette said as she held her nose. "Smells like poo gas in here!"

"Not just that," Shinji commented. "It looks like Rei's old room."

"It is because it was," Rei stated.

"Wait, WHAT?" Asuka asked, aghast at what the bluenette had revealed.

"It's true," Ritsuko confirmed. "This is where Rei was born and initially raised."

Both Kaji and Ritusko looked at their old friend with utter surprise, before looking over the room again. The group pressed onward as they next entered a vast chamber filled with eight large, circular pits on each side of the walkway they were on. Within the pits were various rusting, gigantic robotic limbs and a few helmets.

"All these parts..." Kaji noted. "Are they...?"

"EVAs?" Asuka finished.

Ritsuko nodded 'yes'. "These were the first series of prototype models. As you can see, from the GEHIRN days till now, we went through a lot of failures before we even got to Unit-00 and 01. Before this became NERV's underground junkyard, this was the test chamber where Unit-01 was housed. It's where Yui Ikari was absorbed into the EVA." Shinji shuddered at that memory as it threatened to come back to him.

Freakazoid whistled in astonishment. "Bet this wouldn't look out of place in a Cannon Films schlock thriller," he commented as he looked the place over.

The group kept on going until they finally reached the last spot in their tour of the NERV 'house of horrors'. The room was mostly dark save for the lone, human-sized cylinder in the center filled with LCL. It was connected to a large apparatus up on the ceiling that resembled a giant mechanical brain.

"Yowza..." Misato said as she gaped a the sight of the thing.

"Now this looks like something Ridley Scott left on the cutting room floor," Freakazette commented.

"Question is, was it the floor of Alien or Blade Runner?" Freakazoid asked.

"What is this thing?" Shinji asked.

"The source of the Dummy Plugs," Ritsuko replied as she took out a small tablet. "And in truth..." She tapped a button on the screen with her thumb, and caused the lights behind what turned out to be a large glass tank to come on. To the astonishment of all but Rei and Ritsuko, behind the glass, floating within a large amount of LCL, was Rei. A LOT of Reis. Each were completely identical to the one standing with them, save for them all wearing a white one-piece swimsuit. All their eyes were closed, as if they were in a deep slumber.

"Schnike..." Asuka said, nearly-speechless.

"All these girls...?" Misato started to ask.

"You're not saying the Dummy Plugs...?" Kaji added.

"That's right," Ritsuko confirmed. "These clones form the basis for what the Dummy System would be, though with the data destroyed, they just serve as an option that so far hasn't been needed-namely, if something were to happen to Rei, one of these would have her soul and memories uploaded into it. Allow me to elaborate..."

[Suggested music: a karaoke version of "The Room Where It Happens" from Hamilton, beginning at 0:46.]

A spotlight fell on Ritsuko as she launched into her musical explanation.

Ritsuko [snapping her fingers]:

Two metaphysical biologists walk into a room,

Diametric'ly opposing views

They emerge with the result of an attempted

salvage operation, from which a sinister

scenario takes its cues...

Gendo Ikari emerges with unprecedented power over

a girl that he can shape in any way he wants.

Other than Fuyutsuki, only he knows the scope of the endgame,

And here's the pièce de résistance...

No one else was in

this room where it happened...

The Rei clones [having awakened]:

This room where it happened...

Ritsuko:

This room where it happened...

No one else was in

This room where it happened...

The Rei clones:

This room where it happened...

Ritsuko and the Rei clones:

This room where it happened...

Ritsuko:

No one else above knows the deeds performed,

Of the feelings that were yearned,

Of the woman who was scorned...

They had no clue it all happened...

'Cause no one else was in this room

where it happened...

The Rei clones:

Gendo tried-

Ritsuko:

To free his wife from Unit-01's core,

obsession and desperation in his eyes.

The Rei clones:

Gendo tried-

Ritsuko:

His attempt created something new,

from his wife's D-N-A and that of Angel

number two...

The Rei clones:

Gendo planned-

Ritsuko:

Known as Rei Ay-a-nami, Gendo had created

his own key to instru-men-tality. Now he

just needed a plan to make it a re-al-ity...

(And aside from Fuyutsuki-)

No one else was in

this room where it happened...

The Rei clones:

This room where it happened...

Ritsuko and the Rei clones:

This room where it happened...

No one else was in

this room where it happened...

This room where it happened...

This room where it happened...

Ritsuko:

Not even SEELE knows the guy's endgame,

since he always claims their goals are one and

the same...

So they assume nothing happened...

Ritsuko and the Rei clones:

But no one else was in

this room where it happened...

The Rei clones:

Meanwhile...

Ritsuko:

Fuyutsuki's grappling with the acts that he's witnessed,

stuff that normally would scare someone witless.

The Rei clones:

Meanwhile...

Ritsuko's:

The Committee's expanding their breadth of influence,

mostly through all means that qualify as 'ruthless'.

All while Gendo's creating all manner of contingencies,

all these clones one of them, for all eventualities.

Years later I'm brought on, all groomed and ready,

to succeed my late mother, to keep everything steady.

All this time I pined, never thinking he would use me,

since he's only got eyes for his late, beloved Yui.

Puts me in charge of her 'mini-me's' care,

while he psychologically imparts on her

only feelings of despair.

(And aside from us three...)

Ritsuko and the Rei clones:

No one else was in

this room where it happened...

This room where it happened...

This room where it happened...

No one else was in

this room where it happened...

This room where it happened...

This room where it happened...

Freakazoid and Freakazette [doing the Home Alone pose]:

My gosh!

Shinji:

My dad's a nut!

Asuka:

And you couldn't say a thing-

Ritsuko:

'Cause he threatened my trap shut!

Click-boom it continued to happen...

And no one else was in this room where it happened.

The Rei clones:

Ritsuko Akagi-

Misato:

What did he say to you to get you to sell out the human race?!

The Rei clones:

Ritsuko Akagi-

Kaji:

What could be so severe that he held it out right in your face?!

The Rei clones:

Ritsuko Akagi-

Ritsuko:

All I'll say is that

he had a way just to

keep me in line, he

kept stringing me along,

made me think he was mine...

Misato:

Yet you got less than you gave-

Ritsuko:

What I wanted I got...

When you're hanging by a thread, you stay in the game,

I didn't last as long as I have by giving up the game,

Yes I got 'love' for it, and got hate for it...

I'd get nothing if I

The Rei clones:

Waited for it, waited for it, waited for it...

Ritsuko:

Rei please, do forgive me,

I wanna make things right,

Wanna do something to put me

back in the light.

All but Rei and Ritsuko:

What do you want, Rits?

What do you want, Rits?

You were in the dark, Rits,

but now what do you want, Rits?

Ritsuko:

I...

Wanna be free of

This room where it happened...

This room where it happened...

I

Wanna break free of

This room where it happened...

This room where it happened...

All but Ritsuko:

She wants freedom from

This room where it happened...

Ritsuko:

I

All but Ritsuko:

Want freedom from

this room where it happened...

Ritsuko:

I want out of the room

Oh

Oh

Ritsuko and all:

I want out of

this room where it happened

this room where it happened

this room where it happened

I want out of

this room where it happened

this room where it happened

this room where it happened

All but Ritsuko:

For years your character was compromised.

Ritsuko:

I had to hold my nose and avert my eyes.

We're all supposed to be the ones saving the world,

But underneath it all something sinister unfurled...

While the rest of them above are more innocent at heart,

The commanders and I dreamed in the dark for the most part...

Here where it's dark as a tomb where it happened...

Now I want out of

this room where it happened!

I wanna be free...

All but Ritsuko:

Of this room where it happened

Ritsuko:

I've got to be free...

All but Ritsuko:

Of this room where it happened

Ritsuko:

I've got to be free...

All but Ritsuko:

Of this room where it happened

Ritsuko:

Oh I wanna be free

of this room where it happened

I've got to be, gotta be, gotta be free

of the room...

Click-boom!

The lights then went off as an unseen audience roared with applause and cheering. The lights eventually came back on, and the group (along the with the clones) took their bows. Freakazoid then pointed to the orchestra's pit.

"Lin-Manuel Miranda, everybody!" he said as he presented the award-winning writer/composer/director/actor, who popped up from his conductor's stand to briefly smile and wave to the audience. Once the applause and cheering died down, the scene resumed.

"Wait, you said half my mom's DNA was used to make Rei?" Shinji asked, eyes widening with surprise. "So that means-?!"

"Yes," Ritsuko answered. "She is, in a sense, your half-sister."

Shinji and Rei looked at each other, a slight tinge of pink appearing in their cheeks as they briefly recalled the day he went to deliver her new ID card, where tripping and clumsiness ensued. Shinji then pushed those thoughts aside as he walked up to her and gave her a hug.

"I'm sorry," he apologized. "I'm so, so sorry for what he put you through. I don't care how you came into this world, you're family. It's all that matters."

Rei, genuinely touched by his gesture, returned the hug.

Freakazette, sensing her cue, held up a big placard with one word that was said by the studio audience:

"Aaaaaawwwwwwww"

When Rei and Shinji disengaged, the group looked around at the lab with one question or two on their minds.

"So what now?" Misato asked.

"You said it yourself," Kaji reminded Ritsuko. "Without the dummy system data, all these girls are just 'spares'."

Ritsuko looked at the tablet in her hand. "I'd actually contemplated destroying them. As they are, they're just soulless dummies-they couldn't survive out in the real world. I'd be doing them a favor..."

"Whoa, there, with the fingering, and the considering, and the memories of Old YELLER," Freakazoid interjected in a Lewis-y manner. "Freakazette and I have a better idea."

"What do you have in mind?" Ritsuko asked.

"Can't tell ya," Freakazette replied. "It's a surprise."

The NERV folk blinked, did a double-take, and ultimately realizing it was better not to ask, shrugged.

"Now what's say we get out of this candidate for David Cronenberg's rec room?" Freakazoid suggested. "I dunno about you, but I think some sunshine and fresh air's in order."

The others nodded in agreement, and soon made their way to the elevator to exit Terminal Dogma. Of all of them, Shinji was of two minds about the recent Rei-velations: on the one hand, he now hated his father more than ever for the lengths he'd gone to try and save his mom, but on the other hand, he was glad that a good thing did come out of this in that he now had a sister. A thought suddenly came to him as the elevator climbed higher and higher.

"Something up?" Asuka asked.

"I just remembered," Shinji replied. "My mom told me that while she was still pregnant, she and my father were thinking of baby names. They didn't know if it was going to be a boy or girl, so they compromised-Shinji if it was a boy, Rei if it was a girl." He then looked towards Rei. "I think my father, whether he knew it or not, made everyone a winner in that deal."

To be continued...

**Author's Note(s)**

If the season two Freakazoid episode "Dexter's Date" can devote 4.5 minutes of its story to a full-blown parody of Hello, Dolly!, then I can devote a chapter of this crossover to a Hamilton spoof. I've been wanting to do this as this story's take on the revelations of Rei's creation ever since I saw Hamilton proper for the first time this past July (thank you, Disney+!). Hope it worked for you all!

Cannon Films was the movie production arm of The Cannon Group, Inc. From 1979-1994, under the leadership of cousins Menahem Golan and Yoram Globus, they were responsible for the sheer output of schlocky B-movies seen on screens during those decades. You might know them best for the Chuck Norris

Delta Force and Missing in Action movies, the Death Wish sequels, Superman IV: The Quest For Peace, the 1987 Masters of the Universe adaptation, and the American Ninja films.

Of course, I'm sure many of you are familiar with Cronenberg and Scott, whose films undoubtedly would've been great fits for NERV's sensibilities. (At least when designing Terminal Dogma.)