Happy new year everyone. May 2021 just be better than 2020.
We reached the two third of this story and it's gonna be a slow burn until the end, be ready.
Don't forget to hit the review button, I can't wait to hear your thoughts.
I can't believe it's been 4 months. While I look at the English countryside through the bus window, my thoughts are slowing drifting back to September when my life became a nightmare in a flash. I lost a comfortable life, a husband, a baby and the love of my life. Yes, because I am finally honest with myself. Jace is the love of my life. And even if we will never be together, he's the reason I have had so many emotions flowing through me and felt alive since months. I'll never forget him. I still don't know if I will be able to forgive him for what he did to me and the way he treated me. This miscarriage wasn't his fault, doctors told me it happened without reason, it's just back luck and maybe a lot of stress. Maybe it's for the better.
I've moved in a small apartment near the school where I work. I have no news from my old friends and family; they immediately took Sebastian's side once they learnt everything that happened. No one was able to understand my position because no one asked for my side of the story. Our divorce was finalised a few days after my miscarriage, and it took ten minutes to end all those years together, without even a word from my ex husband. I've lost a lot of things since all began, but I know I've gained a strong friendship. Maia is always there for me, making sure I'm eating everyday and taking care of everything. Her own flat is 5 minute walk from mine and we spend a lot of our free time together. Some days are good, some days are bad. Some days I enjoy all the little pleasures of life, the sun on my face, a good evening with Maia, eating and laughing. But most of my days are always the same, crying over the mess I've created and missing him, craving his embrace and his sweet words.
Speaking of Jace, I have no news either. Maia confessed soon after I came back from the hospital that she stole his phone number and called him. At first, I was completely furious but then I understood why she did it. He had the right to know it happened as much as he had the right to know he was going to be a father. I expected a phone call or a message from him but days passed and nothing.
And here we are, 4 months later, travelling to his old high school. The school trip was originally planned in November, but because of my sick leave, we decided to postpone it to January to be sure I was well enough to travel. Sadly, we had to cut it short to one week instead of two but the kids were happy that it could happen nevertheless. I twist nervously my fingers in my lap, watching outside through the window.
"Hey Clary, you're okay?" asks Maia, sitting next to me.
"Not really. I'm nervous."
"What are you afraid of?"
"What if he's there, Maia? I don't know how I would react." I confess.
"You're a strong woman, Clary. It's going to be okay. Is he even supposed to be there ?"
"George phoned me last week to give me the schedule. The kids will attend classes in the mornings and in the afternoons, they will visit the school's surroundings. Apparently, they have decided to organize a big party on the last evening, some sort of prom, typically British. But he doesn't talk at all about him. I mean, I don't even know if Jace remembers this trip."
"There's no need to worry, Clary. Let's take one day after the other. I'll be there if you need me, if you want a shoulder to cry on, and if he makes an appearance, I'll rip his balls out for you!"
I laugh. "What happened to you being team jace ?"
"I'm still team Jace. Not team Wayland." She replies, nudging me and nodding at what is in front of us.
We are here. Green lawns and trees everywhere, and in the middle, huge Victorian buildings. I've already been there before but the view is so breathtaking that I stay silent. Kids are speaking loudly, all excited to spend a week in this paradise. With a bit of luck, it will be sunny until the end of the week, making our afternoon visits more agreeable. As soon as the bus stop, I get out, greeted by George in person.
"Dear Clary, I'm so happy you're finally here. How are you?" He says, engulfing me in a warm hug.
"I'm good, George. Thank you. Sorry again for the change of schedule."
"Don't worry, Dear. There's no problem.. well, I know you needed time to get better. I hope it wasn't too serious ?" I shake my head, not wanting to talk about it if he doesn't know the reason of my sick leave. "Well, perfect. I have something to tell you .. if that's an issue for you, tell me. You know that when you came to see me in June, Jace wanted to be part of that exchange and do something for the kids, as he's an alumni of our school. We thought of him being the patron of this exchange, meaning he would be there to greet your students and maybe spend a day with them. You remember right?"
Suddenly the world around me is spinning and I have to grip George's arm. How could I forget that ?
"Seeing your reaction, I guessed right. You broke up ?"
"It's complicated. We have never really been together. He doesn't do relationship, George".
He groans. "Bullshit. This moron looked at you as if you were his entire world. What happened?"
I sigh. "It didn't end well, that's all I can say. It's still so painful."
"He didn't say a thing when I reminded him what we planned back in June. But his silence made me think something bad happened between you two. Anyway, he's here to greet the students, Clary. Do you want me to send him away?"
All the cells in my brain are on fire. Either I gather my strength and I face him, either I protect myself and ask George to cancel everything. My heart is beating so fast at the idea that he's close to me even if I haven't spotted him yet. I know I can do it, and I'll have regrets if I don't do it. My heart will probably be more heartbroken than it is being right now, but I'm not strong enough to miss the opportunity to see how he is. Reports in tabloids online recently showed me an image of him I'm worried about. I know he has been drinking a lot but I'm worried about other ways he used to have to deal with situations. I know he's done drugs before but he never told me what kind of substance he used. I suspected weed but I'm not sure anymore. With Aline being in modelling, I'm afraid he has access to harder stuff. I need to see if he's okay. I can do it.
"It'll be okay, George. After all, we're all grown ups, we know how to behave, right ?"
He squeezed my arm and nodded. "If you're sure... he's waiting inside, he's gonna greet them during the assembly, you won't probably see him before he goes on stage. I'm gonna head over, take your time."
As soon as George leaves, Maia is by my side. "He's here, I guess?" I breathe in deeply, eyes closed, and nod.
"Can you do this ?"
Again I nod.
She takes my hand in hers and gives me all the strength she has in her body. "Then let's go".
xxxxxxx
"And to greet you properly, we have a surprise. You all know our school is known for the number of artists who studied here and we have a lot of famous alumni. As he helped organize this trip with mrs Verlac, your teacher, it was normal to invite him today here. Boys and girls, please welcome Jace Wayland."
The crowd erupts in waves of clapping and screaming. A lot of my female students gasp at me, processing the information that I indeed know the object of their wet dreams. This same object who's currently walking across the stage towards the podium in the middle. My heart immediately beats faster as I watch him adjusting the mic in front of his face, a small gesture without importance which immediately takes me back to our first meeting in that concert venue in London. However, he has changed so much since that day. He has changed so much since the last day we saw each other and fought at his apartment. His clothes, even fitted, seem too large on his body. His thighs look frail in his black skinny jeans and even if he's wrapped up in a black jacket and enormous scarf, he can't hide that he has dramatically thinned down within the past months. My heart breaks at the sight of his prominent cheekbones and dark circles under his eyes. His appearance doesn't surprise me and only gives me the confirmation I needed about his use of drugs. I've never touched this shit and I'm no expert but I can't deny it. The Jace in front of me isn't healthy. The Jace in front of me has hit rock bottom too, like me, but he chose to drown himself in hard drugs instead of dealing with what happened.
He greets them, speaking about his years here as a student. Years of happiness he will never forget, as he says. He gives them a few stories about his time here, adds a few facts about this school and finally gives them the schedule of the next few days. He reveals the other big surprise of our stay, the ball on the last evening, during which he will play a few songs with his band. « You may not know it but this school is famous for its writing workshops. So what I propose you is a little contest. I propose to all of you, with the help of your teachers, to try to write the beginning of a song. You can choose any theme you wish, whatever pleases you. I'll have a look at everything you produce and I'll pick one song to finish the writing and play it at the end of the week during the ball. See you soon, and enjoy your time here! » he finishes, before quickly leaving the stage, waving at the assembly.
What a lovely idea. From the reaction of my students, excited and already thinking about themes and discussing it, I know this workshop is gonna be interesting and a dream for us teachers.
"What do you think of the contest, Clary?" asks George.
"That's amazing, really. I'm always trying to make them write in English but whatever theme I pick, it seems boring for them. I've never thought about making them write a song."
"Don't blame yourself," he laughs. "The fact that Jace is gonna pick the winning song helps with the motivation."
" I don't know why you say this. It's no big deal."
I would recognise this voice everywhere. Amongst one million other voices in a crowd. It immediately causes goosebumps to erupt on my skin and shivers to run down my spine. I take a deep breath and turn around, facing him for the first time in months.
"You know they are completely addicted to you," I answer.
He chuckles. "They just see the glamour. If they knew the real me, they wouldn't be so excited."
I wish I knew what's behind his eyes. He's chatting with George, but his smile doesn't reach his eyes. They're a pool of dark blue, dull and sad, constantly searching mine. They hide a myriad of dark thoughts and sorrows, but he doesn't let them show in his attitude. He's doing his best to be the Jace Wayland everyone knows but he can't fool me. He's dead inside.
"Well well, I don't think we have properly been introduced."
I immediately relax, hearing Maia's voice next to me. She hands him her hand. "I'm Maia."
"Finally Maia, I'm glad we can meet at last," he gently answers, grabbing her hand and shaking it.
While listening to them, I learn that the song contest is his idea and that his band is excited to play at his old high school. Their album is finished and going to be released in a few weeks. They will start a promotional tour just after, in a few European cities and they are due to close the tour in Paris.
"I'd like for you to be there on this last night." he tells Maia. "You both", he adds, his eyes fixing upon me.
"We will be there, you can count on us."
I turn my head to my friend, surprised. Is she crazy? Is she so dazzled by Jace that she forgot what happened? So much for her promise of ripping his balls out.
"I'd like to make this visit longer but I have a photoshoot in London in one hour. Could you just email me the songs once you have all of them , George? I'm afraid I won't have enough time to come here to gather them."
He turns to his former teacher, now a friend and hugs him, before taking Maia in his arms and whispering in her ear. I step back, not ready to get an innocent goodbye hug, as if nothing happened. As if he didn't help me destroy my life. As if he didn't destroy my heart. Giving me the space I need, he puts his hand on my arm and squeezes lightly, letting his cold skin cooling my scorching shell.
"See you on Friday, Clary. Take care."
