Chapter 42:
A/N: so it must have been nearly 2 years since I updated this. Life has been busy. I wanted to read it through again to make sure I was up to date with where I left off before continuing to write.
Carla
I rotate my hands in the sink, washing the same bowl I had been for five minutes. The swish of the warm water against my skin was therapeutic. My eyes glide up to the jar positioned on the top shelf of the cupboards, yellow and orange ribbon peering down on me like the sun. I got a lump in my throat every time I glanced at it.
Two weeks had passed and there had been nothing to indicate to me that things were going smoothly or not. I, being the pessimist I was, was beginning to assume that as I had no symptoms, the conception had just failed. Michelle had hardly brought it up. I knew why. We both knew deep down that the chances of this happening for us were getting slimmer and slimmer with every day that passed. We had made an agreement to pretend I didn't know I could be pregnant. It had worked for me before... Almost.
"Hey, I'll do that." A soft voice sounds from the bedroom as she pads over to me, her fluffy socks whispering against the floorboards. "You need to get dressed anyway."
"You look nice." I flick my head around, dark hair flying over my shoulder, gracing my face with a smile to lighten the mood. "New top?"
"Ah, thank you for noticing." She grins, spinning around briefly to show it off.
"Well, I am an expert at these things." I dare to wink subtly, backing away from the sink and trying to busy myself so my thoughts were sidetracked from my guilt. "I'll go and get ready."
Three weeks later
Michelle
"So you say there's been no panic attacks this week? No episodes of anxiety?" My therapist eyes me up, sussing that something was off in my expression. "Nothing at all?"
"Well I haven't been jumping out my seat every time the door closes." I shrug, flicking through my folder to distract the tension. "I guess... A client took a stapler out of his drawer the other day. That shook me up a bit... That is perhaps the most pathetic thing that has left my mouth."
"Did you discuss the situation with anybody?"
"No."
"Not even Carla?"
"No, she's got enough on her mind without me freaking out over a stapler."
"...I see you left your anxiety table blank this week, you didn't think to record it?" He responds and I resist an eye roll, feeling like a kid that hadn't done their homework.
"It's been a busy couple of weeks." I admit.
"Michelle..." He tries to keep his voice soft. "I understand that you're so much better. But if you cut the CBT off so suddenly, there's a chance you could lose all that progress."
"I feel like me and Carla aren't really talking about the important stuff." I sigh, as if I was now at marriage guidance. "I think the same anxieties are on both our minds."
"Ok." He nods. "Well one of the most effective ways to achieve CBT is to work through it with somebody else. Maybe you could teach Carla what you've learnt? Maybe it would stimulate some conversation between you both?"
"Yeah maybe." I force a smile, closing my folder. "I am doing a lot better though, aren't I?"
"Your progress is incredible." He assures me, warmly. "You're strong, Michelle. Don't doubt that."
Carla
"Hi." I raise my head from the desk as the office door opens, Michelle taking a seat opposite me. "How did it go?"
"Yeah fine." She nods briefly and I subtly cast my eyes over her. She looked how I felt; tired, confused, worried. I could see it all laced behind her eyes. Standing up, I go over to her, spinning her chair around and kneeling down.
"Bad day." I don't even offer it as a question, I could tell. "Talk to me."
"I think I'm just tired."
"I'm not surprised, you got up three times in the early hours to go to the bathroom." I make it clear that I had noticed and her face falls slightly. "Anybody would have thought it was you having morning sickness."
Her expression changes at the term, surprised I had even mentioned anything to do with pregnancy. A glimmer of excitement shines in her eyes and it is the first time I have seen them light up like that in three weeks.
"Uh..." She coughs, trying to act as if my sentence had not bothered her. "I was wondering if you could help me with some of my therapy work? I've kinda neglected it recently... Doctor Bower isn't too happy with me."
"Yeah well good on him, I told you, you need to stay on top of that." I stand up, planting a kiss on the top of her head. "And of course I will. What is it?"
"It's just this 'talk table' thing."
"Right well let's get started then." I kick my feet up on the desk and she furrows her brow slightly.
"Here?" She scans the office. "I'm sure there's more important things to be doing."
"Nope." I shake my head, putting my mobile phone in the desk drawer which reflects a look of surprise in her expression. "Nothing is more important than your health."
"Uh... Ok." She looks nervous as she pulls a page out of her folder. "So... You ask me these and I have to answer with how I think or feel, and then we talk about how it could be improved." She pauses. "I haven't seen what they say though, I'm not supposed to. It's about... Stimulating the reaction of the brain, I don't know."
"Right." I read down the paper briefly, my eyes flicking over to hers. She is sat rigid, coat still on, hands clasped in her lap. "Chelle you look like you're about to take a lie detector test or put on trial."
"I feel like it." She manages a small laugh.
"Ok question number one." I read out as if hosting a quiz, and it makes the corners of her mouth turn up. "When was the last time you felt unsafe?"
"...Uh..." She hesitates, thinking intently. Although I was sure that wasn't the aim, I don't interrupt her. "I guess... My meeting with Paul Mellor the other day..."
"Why?" I ask, suddenly worried, although it wasn't written on the sheet. "Did he do something to you?"
"No, no." Michelle assures me and I feel myself calm. "It sounds stupid... I just felt... Uncomfortable being in the office alone with him and then he pulled his stapler out of the drawer and I kinda... Freaked out a bit."
"Did he notice?" I ask and she shakes her head. "Why didn't you tell me?"
"Because I managed to cover it up, and then I thought it would be pointless talking about when I got back to the office." She shrugs. "Got us the contract, didn't I? That's all that matters."
"No it's not." I tell her softly but sincerely and she tries to dismiss it, waving her hand in the direction of the paper.
"Anyway, what's the next one. This'll take all day otherwise."
I hesitate, desperate to go into it further but not wanting to push her. I scan the page, swallowing slightly. "Ok... Have you had any thoughts of harming yourself in the past week?"
"No." She shakes her head confidently and I flash her a relieved smile.
My eyes glide down the paper, tempted to make one of my own up to make her smile.
Hesitating, I lean forwards on the desk, meeting her gaze. "Question three."
"This is intense."
"Do you want to take a pregnancy test tonight?"
The room falls silent as she processes the question, her eyes shifting from me to the paper.
"...Really?" She just breathes and I nod, the smile fading on my cheeks as I grow serious again. "...Do you think you could be?"
"I haven't had my period." I tell her, although I'm sure she had been just as up date with my cycle as I had. "That's gotta be a good sign."
"I thought..." She trails off, clearly pondering whether to broach something. "I thought it hadn't worked."
"Why?" I frown, now realising why she had been so down the last week.
"Because we just... Haven't talked about it. I assumed..."
"You don't think I'd share something like that with you?" I release a soft laugh, discarding the sheet of paper and going round to perch on her desk. I lean into her ear, nibbling on the lobe gently before whispering "...and I was sick this morning."
It was hardly the most romantic gesture, but her eyes suddenly fill with hope. "You never said!"
"Ok, ok. Don't get carried away." I place my hands on her shoulders, prodding her cheek gently. "But I've missed that smile being on your face."
"Yeah?" She exhales, gazing up at me. "I've missed it too."
"But we make a promise." I link my finger with hers. "Whatever the outcome, it's not the end, ok? And we look at it together? And neither of us has a breakdown if it's negative."
"That's three promises, but ok deal." She agrees, her eyes glancing at my lips and I reach down, kissing her softly. "Missed you."
"Missed you."
Michelle
"Did you do it?" I ask suddenly as soon as the bathroom door clicks and she almost looks shocked at my outburst.
"Well it wasn't difficult since I have to pee every five minutes at the moment." Carla points out and I don't voice that I knew that was in fact another symptom. "It's in there, I have to leave it for two minutes."
"I know." I remind her and she nods, sitting down on the sofa and awkwardly wringing her hands in her lap. "Don't be scared." I know it is a stupid thing to say because I was also bricking it. We had agreed this was the second and last time we would try. This really was our last chance to have a child of our own.
"Last time I was doing this I was praying the outcome would be negative." She reminisces and my mind casts back to that night in Peter's old flat, both our nerves shot as she paced the room over and over, repeating that she didn't want to be a mum. How things had changed. "Ugh..."
"Hey, hey." I reach for her hand, giving it a supportive squeeze and she gazes at me like a lost child. "I love you."
"I love you." She smiles as a timer rings out on her phone, causing me to jump suddenly. "Sorry! Sorry, I didn't think."
"It's fine." I try to calm myself, although the pending result wasn't making me feel anymore relaxed. She gets up hesitantly, going into the bathroom and returning with the test clutched in her fist. I wait with bated breath before she holds it out to me, noticing how much her hand is shaking. "You haven't looked?"
"Can you do it?" Her eyes weaken. "Please."
I take it carefully from her, wasting no time before rolling it over and gazing down at the small screen. Pregnant - 5 weeks.
Everything comes flooding back. The day I found out I was pregnant with Ruairi, confused but so elated. The day I was sat on the bathroom floor at fifteen, staring in shock, fear, denial. I suddenly break down, tears streaming down my face.
"Chelle..." I look up to see that Carla is staring at me with pure terror.
"You're pregnant." I cry out and her eyes widen, her mouth opening and closing abruptly, unable to take in the news. "Look. Five weeks." I hold it out and a hand flies over her mouth as she stares at it in disbelief. "Car..."
"I... Wait." She shakes her head, disappearing into the bathroom and appearing with two duplicate tests, suddenly starting to cry. "Positive, positive, positive... I..."
"Hey." I rise, pulling her into me and letting her cry on my shoulder. My heart is pounding fast as it battles with hers. "Hey, you're pregnant." I whisper in her ear, rubbing my hand in circles on her back. "We're having a baby. We're having a baby."
"Really?" She pulls away, suddenly looking like the scared sixteen year old again. Staring at me innocently, desperate for support. "This is really happening?"
"Yeah." I breathe, unable to stop the shocked smile on my face.
"Oh God..." She begins to pace suddenly, shaking her hands in midair. "I'm gonna get fat."
"Shut up." I laugh, grabbing her hand and taking a step towards her. I gaze down at her for a second, my heels putting me an inch above her. Smoothing the hair out of her face and clearing the tears, I make her a promise. "I am going to look after you. I'm going to do everything I can to make you happy. Ok? I'll travel the whole of Manchester to get you ice cream at three in the morning. I promise you, it's all going to be ok. I've got you. Alright?"
"Yeah." She nods, her whole body shaking. I could tell it was hitting her very slowly, her hands fiddling with my necklace as a distraction. "...I... I just don't want to get my hopes up."
"Listen to me." I tilt her gaze to mine. "Whatever the future holds is going to happen. So stop thinking ahead and stop catastrophising. Enjoy it. Make the most of it. Yeah?"
"Did you learn that at therapy?" She giggles, tears rolling down her cheeks and I shrug, kissing her forehead. "I love you." She whispers against my kiss and I move down to meet her lips, grazing a thumb across her cheekbone. "I love you so much."
Carla
"Well thank God it's Saturday because I do not fancy chucking my breakfast up in the Underworld bogs." I groan as I leave the bedroom, fatigue and nausea washing over me. "I can predict I will be sick as soon as I eat something."
"What do you fancy?" Michelle has turned at my entrance, coming over to slip her hands around my waist and I smile contently at the contact. "Rough night for you."
"I think it was all nerves and shock." I breathe, eyes darting to the clock on the wall and making a mental note of it being ten to nine. "You seem happier."
"Pfft, you reckon?" She narrows her eyes, smiling softly. "I'm just glad we're not living in denial anymore, at least we know what page we're on."
"Hm..." I hum, my stomach flipping. "Even if that page makes me want to heave." I pull away from her quickly, pacing towards the bathroom. I barely have time to kneel by the bowl before I am throwing everything up into it. I sense Michelle sitting cross-legged next to me, the sensation of her pulling my hair out of the way, the supportive motion of her hand on my back. It was one of my biggest insecurities; being sick in front of people. But I knew there was no telling her to leave me.
"Just get it out, then you might be able to eat something." She assures me softly, rubbing her hand in circular motions as I throw up again. My head starts spinning, that same hot, fizzing feeling pulsating through my body that I remembered from when I was sick with my kidney failure. It was a very unsettling emotion, and not one I had craved to return to.
"Uhhh..." I groan, once my stomach has settled slightly, wincing as I drag a hand across my face. "What fun." Pulling back, I drop against the bath, shoulders slumping as Michelle just watches me, a look of empathy on her face. We just sit for a few minutes. I plait a small piece of my hair over and over, debating whether to flush the toilet or not. I drag my knees up to my chest, gazing at her over the rim of them. "Bet that was sexy, wasn't it?"
"We're not gonna do this whole self-doubt thing for nine months are we?" She raises an eyebrow. "I might have to get 'you're beautiful' tattooed on my forehead so I don't have to keep saying it."
"Didn't realise it was such a chore." I pout slightly, winding her up.
"Cuddle?" Her arms invite me over and I nod, flushing the toilet and crawling towards her, nestling my head in her chest. Lying on the bathroom floor at nine a.m. on a Saturday morning, what a life. "Baby you're shaking."
"Yeah it reminded me of when I was ill, a little." I decide there is no point lying to her as she strokes a finger across my forehead. "Least this time I'm getting a baby, not a kidney... And I don't have to go round pestering people on the street for it."
"You weren't asking for loose change so you could catch the bus." Michelle laughs into my hair and it makes me smile, my fingers fastening around hers, watching how our wedding rings glint in sync. "Right, little game."
"Oh no."
"You're at a gourmet breakfast restaurant and they have absolutely everything possible on the menu, what do you choose?"
"I'd get out of there because I'm not throwing up on their expensive carpet and footing the bill." I try to joke and she sighs, predicting I would respond with something sarcastic. "Um..." I read my body. "Pancakes with loads and loads of syrup."
"Ok, I can stretch to that." She decides, her fingers hesitating in my hair. "Sweet foods and bad nausea, sounds like a girl to me."
"You can't tell that." I groan, playing with her fingers. "That's a load of shit, all that stuff."
"Oh alright." She taps my shoulder lightly. "Only having fun."
"Are you going to make me my pancakes or what?" I tease her cheekily, raising my head to look at her askew eyebrow, shaking her head at my cockiness.
I am nestled on the sofa, hugging a cushion against my chest as I listen to the faint clatter of Michelle washing up from dinner. My eyes are distractedly gazing at the quiz show on television, where a young man from Oldham had just managed to win himself sixth four grand.
"You ok?" Although soft, Michelle's voice makes me jump slightly as I feel her position herself on the back of the sofa. "You're quiet."
"Mm, just tired." I prop myself up, glancing behind me. "Thanks for doing that."
"No problem." Her hand weaves through my hair, studying my expression. "You taken your folic acid?"
"Yes."
"Your immunosuppressants?"
"Yes."
"Your anti-"
"Yes, Chelle I've taken them all." I keep my voice gentle as I respond to her nagging and she gives in, moving to position herself next to me. I fall against her and her hand lands accidentally over my tummy, triggering a small smile on my cheeks. Lacing my fingers around hers, I watch her draw light circles around the cotton of my pyjama top. "Please hang on in there." It's barely an audible whisper but Michelle's hand slows, dipping her head to kiss my hair.
"You're doing amazing." She reassures and I cling onto her words, releasing a small hum. "Hey? You're doing everything right."
"Scared." Is all I respond with, and she just exhales. I knew she was too, I knew we both would be terrified at least until the eight week scan. It felt like treading on egg shells, every day that passed was mentally logged and counted as a blessing.
"Yeah me too." She admits, massaging my scalp soothingly. "But like I said, you couldn't be doing anything more. Ok? Just try to relax. I know it's a big ask."
"Well I certainly feel more reassured than when Peter was sleeping with the babysitter between appointments." I dare to say. "Not that I knew of course. But a lot of the time it just felt like he didn't give a damn."
"Well I do." She promises, firmly. "And I'm here for anything you need." My eyes flutter closed at the solidarity of her words, knowing how sincere they were. "Can we make a promise?"
"Mm."
"We talk to each other about any of our worries, work through it together? I don't want you bottling anything up. I just want us to be able to communicate everything."
"Yeah I promise." I murmur, shifting in her embrace and turning into my front so I can meet her eyes. "Thanks for looking after me."
"Get used to it." She smiles softly, poking me in the cheek. "I'm gonna get on your nerves so much; faffing and pampering you."
"That doesn't sound like the worst thing in the world." I let out a soft giggle, my face growing serious as I scan the complexity of her gaze. She really, genuinely cared about me, in a way nobody ever had. Not even Nick. And not only this but she understood me. She understood exactly what was happening in my head, all my frets and worries, she had lived them all. She was my absolute rock, and I wanted more than anything to do this for her. "I used to hate the feeling of being vulnerable... When I was pregnant last time, I still had to be the strong one for Peter. When he was out drinking and missed the scan. When he was having doubts about being a dad again. I felt like it was all me reassuring him, and all I wanted was to feel comforted and supported... I just felt like I was doing it all on my own. I guess, in the end, I was. Maybe that's why it wasn't enough."
"It wasn't you, sweetheart." She whispers, stroking the hair back off my face. "The amount of strain that... The circumstances put on your body... It wasn't healthy... I promise you, that won't happen again. You're safe, you're stable. I am not turning my back. I'm not leaving you alone. You've got all of me, ok? Everything I can give to you. And nothing is going to go wrong."
A/N: Let me know if people are still reading this and I'll try and update again this week!
