Disclaimer: I own nothing. Aaron McGruder owns it all. If I did, Huey would be POTUS.

Reviews:

LavenderLuvER18: Luv, I love you. You're like the best. Thank you for your comments. You're an amazing person all in all. Just you in general makes the world a better place. I made sure to include the moments you love in this one because 1. You love those moments and 2. I love those moments too, and I got your back.

GREENPEACE1990: Thank you Greenpeace. I love that friendship they have and I only see it getting stronger so thank you for that. Yes Huey's opening up and I love that it's taken him a minute but it's still happening. Oh and the Cairo thing, god, he is coming unhinged, he is. Boy needs help or a good beating, we'll see. Thank you, thank you for your comment.

Regularhuman: Thank you Regularhuman, I so aim for it to not feel rushed, even if it takes me a while to get through something. Thank you for saying that because it reminds me that people notice. And here it is. Thank you for your comment.

NOTE FOR THE CHAPTER: Apparently the 100k words in this chapter compose 49 scenes. I don't know man. Have fun.

CHAPTER 42:


I exhale frustration, real damn frustration, seeing myself grab it, putting her over my shoulder, dropping the money on the counter, putting her in the car, strapping her in, driving there, locking her inside the car, walking in through that front door, and beating him. And I feel my smirk, seeing that fucken piece of shit's face as I'm putting my fist through that fucken look, that look that somehow I deserve her less than he does because of that fucken bloody trail, and feel that kiss on my cheek. I see those long fingers grab the stainless steel one and hear that voice say, "I think Grandad will like this one because it'll match the rest of his bathroom and it's long enough for both him and you know, Ms. Lola, if she's in there, to use it at the same time."

I exhale, look over at that hair she left down for her own reasons but possibly, leaving it soft like that, as idiotic as it still sounds, for me, feeling my smirk for less selfish reasons than the ones I was having right now, seeing those greens reading the label on that bar, and say, "You mean to say when Grandad and Ms. Lola somehow find themselves in the shower at the same time?"

I see that tint appear, feeling my smirk possibly get bigger, see those greens turns to me, see that smile, relaxing, and she says, "Well I just want them to, you know, maybe have one that they can both use if they do want to be in there together and just be, you know, safe and not fall, but do you think it's the right size?"

And I remember we're not at that pointless institution.

I taste them, not caring where it is we are, feeling her push those full lips, grabbing that small waist, feeling that bar covering those breasts I want to feel, and feel that bite. Shit. Why the hell aren't we in my room? And I feel her move away, grab that face, kissing those lips, and hear her say my name along with something else, wanting to ask her later what it was she said, kissing those lips, and hear her say, "Bestie, we're kind of in publ," and I taste that tongue.

And I hear something pointless, people, feel her move away, opening my eyes, and say, "Jazmine."

I see those wide greens, see those freckles covered in that tint, see that breathing she does when she's excited for whatever Jazmine reasons, and she says, "Bestie I think I heard someone ask for," and I hear a voice again.

I look over that soft blonde afro, see a girl, a woman, feeling my eyebrow rise, and say, "Yes?"

I see her smile and she says, "I just thought you could help me looking for something, a part I think I need to fix my sink, and I heard you talking about parts in that section so I just thought…"

I exhale, hearing her finish, knowing what she's saying, and respond, "I don't work here."

I see her smile again and she says, "I know, I just thought you sounded like you were pretty apt at fixing household things and I already asked someone that works here and they went to call the manager but they haven't come back yet, so I just thought I'd ask someone that sounded like they knew what they were talking about."

I feel that hand on my stomach, look down at that face, see her smile, reminding me of that earlier thought of putting her over my shoulder and taking her to the car or my room, and she says, "Go help her bestie and I'll stay here and I'll just keep looking for other bars okay."

I see her turn back to the section of safety bars and say, "Jazmine," and hear her say, "And we need to go home to check the platforms again okay, so hurry bestie."

I exhale, seeing those greens looking at those bars, and hear her say, "And you trust me a little more today, it has to go both ways, so go."

I do trust that Jazmine head.

I feel my smirk and say, "Fine. Don't leave this section."

I see that smirk on those full lips and she says, "I'm not going anywhere."

I exhale, walking around that body, remembering a recent dream where I told her I wanted her to stay, hearing her say she wanted me to stay, feeling my smirk, hoping that wasn't a complete dream but something between waking up and the dream world, as I'm walking away from her, close enough, knowing that section is only two sections down.

I get to that section, explain which nozzle to use for the usage she's looking for, and hear her ask me if I can help her set it up.

I exhale and say, "It's fairly easy to set up, you'll need the right tape as well, and," and I hear her say, "But I'd like your help, possibly get to know you, and maybe, if you'd like, make you dinner for your trouble."

I exhale say, "No thank you and I'm sure you'll figure it out, there are plenty of people around here, I'm sure some that work here that," and she cuts me off saying, "Is that really your girlfriend or are you just seeing each other?"

I turn back to that section, knowing it's been two minutes, and hear her say, "Look, I'm sorry, I don't mean to ask like that and I don't want you to think I'm being really forward like this, it's just that just talking to you for the last few minutes, watching you, and just listening to you talk since I got here, I can tell you're different, not like a lot of guys I've dated, and it's hard to meet a guy like you, especially a black guy like you, with everything I like in a guy, and not just here, but anywhere. The guys I've dated just always seem to want to be a way I can't take home to meet my mom or aren't someone I want to hang out with that's interested in talking about anything that's important or about what I'm learning in class, and not only that, you're actually really, really good looking and you're really what I like, you know, a guy that's proud, proud to be black, you sound incredibly smart, and I just really want to get to know you. And because I think it's important to you I'll tell you I'm also really smart, I'm incredibly proud myself, I'm a strong black woman, and I know for sure we'd find a lot to talk about with all the classes I'm taking at my CC, so maybe just give me a chance, and get to know me."

I look through those sink caddies, see that thick blond afro moving, take that step, and hear her say, "I mean is it because I'm black and you like those girls instead of real black girls, instead of a real black woman?"

I feel my eyebrow rise, look back at that girl, going back up, see she's taller than her by three inches, at my eyelevel, full but still slender, possibly an avid runner, the skin of a black woman that goes out in the sun, possibly most days, and doesn't simply stay in her room focused on staying away from the outside world where she would be looked at, stared at by idiots because she's at a hardware store by herself looking for a nozzle to replace the one she has with one that can swivel. I exhale. And that hair.

I turn and hear her say, "Course, didn't expect anything less no matter what you say."

I inhale and say, "You're attractive, you are, a black woman that's here this late at night by herself, can more than likely handle replacing any small appliance in your home based on the fact that you knew the right descriptions for the parts you were looking for, probably work in order to afford to live by yourself, at the same time you take classes in community college, but that doesn't make you or any other woman any more or less black than my girlfriend who at our age knows more about the incarceration of brothers than women your age, black, brown, what you call mix, but the rest of the world would call black because that's all white supremacy will ever see when they look at her, that her hair, her lips, her damn skin, everything about her is not white enough, will never be, even if it's better than that, exceptionally better, a girl that not only knows about the incarceration, the sick twisted truth that we can only push back for now, but cares, actually cares, as unrealistic as it is with the low success rate of helping children in poverty, specifically children of color, black and brown boys and girls, she cares about their future, what it could be in the next two months, not in the next five or ten years, but just the next few months, because she believes that all children see is what's right in front of them, whether they'll make it through the school semester, not whether they'll make it to high school or beyond, but just right now, how they feel right now, and she cares about that. And that's what a black woman is, exactly that, strong enough to not only lose sleep over how to make things better but strong enough that I have yet to replace anything in her house unless she doesn't see me do it because she refuses to ask for help when she has even a small inkling that between herself, her sister, and mother, they can do it. And more so than even that, those insignificant attributes of her caring too much for others that are not connected to her, not asking for help even when damn it she should allow others to protect her even if it's by changing her damn phone number, is that she has yet, even if she has ever had those thoughts, she has yet to openly compare herself in any better than way to anyone else, specifically another girl, a woman, a black or brown woman, a woman of color as she chooses to call herself, like you just did right now saying that somehow you're a real black woman over her simply because she's had to live over that color line never being accepted on either side, never receiving the solidarity that comes from being the only black kids at a school or the ease white kids have in disappearing into the crowd so as to not be targeted by racists pieces of shit, living over that line, being targeted by those fucken idiots, ones that now stare because they realized just what black women can be, how more than attractive they can be, especially a girl like her that doesn't seem to care about how a person speaks, whether it's proper English or not, calling them her brothers regardless of how they speak, dress like, or the kind of idiotic music they choose to listen to, taking them along with her anywhere she goes, not caring about people looking at her because she shouldn't be hanging out with black guys that talk like they do when she's in part white and could hang out with white kids even if they didn't accept her, welcomed her, except for an exceptional few, before now, and still she takes those brothers anywhere she goes, school, libraries, her mother's home, with a mother and sister who accept them all as they are, welcoming them, whereas other girls, woman, possibly wouldn't accept those brothers as they are, as they speak, the things they talk about, because they're not different, wanting to be a way they shouldn't be that a black girl's family wouldn't accept because they don't speak proper English even though they might watch the news every night, can repeat idiotic commands perfectly for military style games, but probably still wear their pants too damn low, have a black guy's hairstyle rather than the white man's or might just have too much of an overwhelming past that even not being black wouldn't be good enough, and a black girl, a black woman that's more black than my girlfriend wouldn't want to date someone like that because he's just like other guys she's dated, because we're all the same, and I'm no different from any other black guy, I know that, which is why my girlfriend, a black girl or woman of color or whatever it is she chooses to call herself, chose me and not the other way around, because I am just a black guy, regardless of what anyone thinks I am, because what matters is what, if anything, I bring to the table. And so, because of that, I hope I was useful to you in fixing your kitchen."

I hear that giggle coming from that section, where I should be right now, move around that corner to get to it, and feel that hand.

I exhale, feel her let go, and hear her say, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you feel like you had to defend her, I just really wanted to get to know you, that's all, and it's just really hard to meet a nice guy, even if he's not black, when I am a black woman, I'm pretty independent, do work and go to school, and some guys think that's too independent and even more than that I am a black woman and we don't get asked out by guys as much as other girls do, as much as my Latina or white friends do, even by other black guys, and it's just not fair."

I exhale and say, "I don't lie, you are attractive, and you'll find guys that want to date you, if that's what you want."

I take those steps, wanting to get back to what's important, that giggle, as selfish as that is, selfish because it only benefits me.

I see that soft afro looking down at her phone, holding two of those stainless steel bars, and feel that hand on my shoulder.

I exhale and say, "I'll ask respectfully that you don't touch me because we don't know each other."

I feel that hand leave my shoulder, see those greens look up at me, exhale some relief knowing that took longer than I expected, and hear her say, "Is it okay if maybe, only because I really have never done this, changing one of these nozzles, and really only know everything I do because I looked it up, you could maybe still help me? I promise just as friends, just setting it up, and I won't ask you for anything else? I mean all my college friends live with their parents and don't really know about this stuff, it's my first apartment, and my family lives far away, so really I don't have people I can ask, and I'll even pay you for your time, please, can you help me?"

And I see her get to me, look down at that height I've become accustomed to since I surpassed her five years ago and continue to, with that idiotic hope it remains so, along with that skin that burns some in the sun when we're out too long, that thick hair that's a beautiful afro and she lets be an afro rather than using those products the girl behind me possibly used to straighten her hair, and those greens that turn into that Egyptian green, along with that body, how beautiful and black she really is, and hear that voice I went to sleep to last night say, "Sorry I know you're helping her and I don't mean to interrupt but if she still needs help just know that I got these two, I think they're the right size you were looking for, and I went through the new posts on one of the platforms right now, Mimi and my big brother went over the other ones, and there's just one new post on all of them, but I do need to get back to some emails from Ericka so if she still needs help please go help her and I'll be here sending emails."

And I kiss those lips, hearing something, possibly that woman behind me clear her throat, feel her move away, readying myself to berate her for doing that for the last time tonight, and see her start giggling, moving that afro side to side looking down, hearing her say, "Bestie, that's not nice to do when someone's around."

I exhale at her thinking I care, see that smile look up at me, starting to feel relaxed again, and she says, "So just help her, I'm going to email Ericka, ask her if I can get her the information she needs maybe tomorrow because at least it's not an emergency like when those kids needed stuff, and I want to talk to my sister and friends about it first to see if they can give us any good ideas."

I inhale and say, "Fine, but we'll talk about it before I agree to help anyone."

I see that smile and hear that woman say, "How does this Saturday work?"

I see that fine eyebrow rise, see that focused look with that smirk on those full lips, and exhale, knowing the answer already. Damn it.


Wow. I exhale and hear that monotone voice say, "That's why I wanted to wait until we were alone to talk about it first."

I roll my eyes and say, "Huey, bestie, look, thank you okay, for wanting to tell me what she said, but I kind of heard that stuff in the past, you know from other black kids and," and I feel those fingers getting warm, putting my fingers through them, massaging that pointer finger, and say, "And that stuff happened a long time ago, when they would say some things to me about you know, looking and sounding too white, and I just kind of got used to it, kind of knowing it was probably going to happen a lot, where I was maybe always going to be too white for some kids and those other kids, the racist jerks, those other ones didn't matter, and if I could handle the racist jerks at school I could handle the black kids that wouldn't talk to me. And I don't know, it was just like that, where sometimes they would talk to me, for like a day or two, and then they would tell me their friends weren't okay with them being my friend because I was part white and I was probably going to end up being like those racist white kids at our school too, and then that was it, and it was really only for a little bit and," and I hear that voice say, "Jazmine it was for years, years, damn it, for years they said those things, did those things, and do not lie to me and tell me it wasn't that bad in elementary solely because Riley and I were there that year because it was that damn bad in the restroom and damn it why the hell didn't you ever tell me, why Jazmine, why, why not tell me if you said I was your best friend, damn it, why!"

And I inhale, seeing the car move over to the right side of the street, feel it stop, and feel his hand move up changing the shift, not letting go of my fingers.

I exhale, looking over at him, feeling that hand, that hot hand I'm holding, seeing him looking at the steering wheel I think or maybe just looking at it but not seeing it, seeing him breathing in those long inhales and exhales, I think trying to relax, and say, "I'm sorry."

I see him close his eyes, hear his hand rubbing the steering wheel, and hear him say, quieter, "Jazmine I told you, I told you, damn it, so stop apologizing," and I say, "No."

I see him look at me with those eyes, those lowered eyebrows, and that look, that look of disappointment I think, that look of sadness, knowing I need to take care of him, feeling my small smile, and say, "Huey no. You can't stop me from saying I'm sorry, that I'm sorry you even know about that now and it's hurting you, because it is hurting you to know that stuff. I'm sorry that you had to punch any jerk for me ever because they were racists or just jerks. I'm sorry that you had to put energy into that stuff when your energy needs to go somewhere else, it needs to go into being you Huey, living in this world, where you're black and you could get hurt and things can happen to you and then what, what happens if you get hurt, if you get shot? All those jerks that ever said anything to me won't matter because I won't have you, and that's where your energy has to go, into fighting this stupid system that keeps dads and brothers far away from their families just because they had weed and didn't have money for a good attorney or at least an attorney that cared and those little kids are alone and don't have their big brother or their dad all because of stupid weed and stupid mean horrible people that kill people because that's what's happening. They're killing them in there, in jail, in prison, where there's the stupid KKK in there that should all have happened to them what they've done to other people and I hate them and I hate this world sometimes and I hate that those dads and brothers can't see their family even though they matter and you look like one of them a little and what if it was you Huey? And you don't get that it's because you're black that all of that can happen to you and then what and I love you and, and."

And I feel it, the stupid avalanche, that stupid avalanche, and why am I crying, why, and why is this world like this and why didn't I have a normal dad that just loved me and was a good attorney that helped other black men, even if they weren't always innocent, but at least got them help to get into programs that could help them? Why? And why does it hurt so much to think of something like that ever happening to him, him who saved me so many times, and that guy who's mom is probably still crying and all he was doing was running, and it doesn't matter where he was running, that he smoked weed ever, he was a man, a son, someone's son, and didn't deserve to die without his mom there holding him, smelling her son's hair for the last time, killed just because those horrible evil men thought it was okay to shoot him because there had been robberies there and he was black, that's why he died and wasn't just taken into the police station, because he was black, and was that tall and looked like him from far away, and smelled like Irish spring soap, that soap I don't want to live without, that soap I'm smelling, hearing him say he's right here and he's not going anywhere, feeling those arms covering me, putting my face in that chest.

I exhale, hugging him back, telling him I'm sorry, I'm so sorry because all I can do is help with little kids and getting school supplies they need but I can't do anything else and I want to protect him because I love him and Riley and my big brother and Hiro and my friends who all care about them and I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, feeling him kissing my face, hearing him say he's sleeping over my house, he's going to hug me tonight, and I kiss him back, telling him okay bestie, I want that.


I look forward knowing she's fine and this will not fucken change for as long as we attend this school, possibly longer, but at least they fear me.

I feel those fingers making those shapes in my hand, hearing them talking, that voice and her sister talking about protocol, possibly not caring how many hormonal damn teenagers have looked at them, including women, since we stepped into school this morning.

And I hear that voice say, "So I was thinking about us going, for sure."

I inhale, grabbing the hook on those jeans, bringing her in, hearing her inhale, along with other girls saying something pointless about how much I touch her, and say, "Jazmine."

I hear her say, "I know, I know Huey but look, specially after this weekend and just how much fun we all had with Hiroki and Ed and Rummy and all our friends last week I think we need to keep trying to do things with each other, having fun, doing things, anything, no matter what anyone says or does, because we cannot let people, bad people, evil people, people that don't care about us stop us from doing things with each other, anything, and that just means we have to, have to, not be afraid, going out there together, and maybe not letting my sister, my boyfriend, and my little brother and our friends stop doing things specially after all the talking in the car right now about all the ones we missed and just knowing that all my friends have really wanted to go to more of them."

I exhale annoyance, not at her, but at my brother and her sister with that damn conversation on the way here, and hear her sister say, "Nah ah big bro, don't be all angry and shit at Riles and me cuz we were just talking, you knows my sis always gonna take anything we say and turn that shit 'round using it to try to make us happy, my damn teddy bear."

And I hear that giggle, hearing her kiss her sister possibly, and look down at her again, seeing her put that long arm around her sister. And I hear her say she loves her and of course she's always going to try to make her happy, feeling my exhale, knowing it comes from Sarah, it always has, and possibly it's just a Jazmine quality I'll have to live with for as long as I'm breathing, and feel something hit my chest.

I look forward, exhale, feeling my eyebrow rise, and bend down to help her up.

I stand up straight, see her smile up at me, and she says, "How was your Spring Break Huey?"

I exhale and say, "Good."

And I hear something hit a locker, look over in that direction, and see one of those girls that was looking at us when Jazmine found that note in my locker rubbing her forehead after possibly walking into an open locker.

And I hear that voice, remembering how she was raised, say, "How was your Spring Break Ashley?"

I look down at those braids I like, see her smile, squeezing that small hand once, trying to remind that unrealistic optimism how psychotic this girl is, and hear that girl say, "It was good Jazmine and I wanted to say I'm sorry."

I look over at that girl, see that smile, no longer moving, fidgeting as she was, but standing still whereas she should be relaxed like the body next to me instead of being rigid with her eyes focused on Jazmine, not blinking, and hear that voice say, "You did this once Ashley, trying to be nice to me for a few seconds, and now you're even doing it in front of Huey when my friends aren't here and my sister is busy with those other girls that are trying to talk to her and her boyfriend, and my friend told me to be careful with you and I trust her, so it doesn't matter how nice you are, how many times you say you're sorry, because I'll always accept the apology but that doesn't mean I'll stop being careful around you, so don't try anything because it won't work."

I see that girl blink, feeling myself bring that hip in closer to me, where it belongs, see her inhale with that smile, and she says, "I'm not trying to do anything Jazmine. I'm even seeing someone that I'm talking to now and she told me that I needed to apologize as fast as I could to you and your friends and that's all I'm doing."

I exhale, knowing even in court cases that's not protocol, victims, whether it was a police officer that shot them or put their face in the pavement because that person refused to step out of their car when they were pulled over for no damn reason, or a girl, younger than us, that got raped by a psychotic teenager, is never made to confront that officer or that teenager as to avoid the punishment of having to see their fucken aggressor or rapist another time outside of court, but I don't know enough about therapy to know if a therapist would make her client face those she harmed, forcing that punishment of seeing her again.

And I hear that voice say, "I don't believe it."

I feel my smirk, seeing that girl inhale, see her look at me, and hear that voice say, "Don't look at him or I'll slap you so hard they will call your dad again and it will get back to that person that told you to apologize who I don't think asked you to apologize after everything you did and tried to do to us, probably even told you to just stay away from us and leave us alone."

I see that girl look back at Jazmine, see her inhale, with that smile gone, see her open her mouth, and hear that voice say, "Not worth it," and I feel that hand pull me.

And I exhale some relief possibly, following those braids, letting her pull me, and feel that cold hand grab my other hand. I twist out of it, making sure those braids didn't feel that pull, and move up, hugging what's mine, getting to my brother who's possibly pushing his girlfriend away from those girls, towards Cindy's locker.

I hear that voice tell her sister to meet her at my locker, and I exhale, squeezing her possibly into me, wanting this damn school year, along with high school to end or at the very least to get to my locker faster where I have my journal with those precise instructions for the revolution.


I see that journal, see is still looks like half of it has new pages, making me smile knowing he replaces the used pages with new pages every few months now, close his locker and hear him say, "Jazzy girl, listen, behind, my other side."

I look over at him, see those dreads get taller, wondering how tall he really is, probably as tall as Huey, and hear him say to someone, "Nah, you stay there or I'll fuck you up."

I move around him to see and inhale, seeing him. I move up to Caesar's other side, grab his arm, and pull. I hear him say my name, pull Caesar's arm again, and feel that arm moving with me, hearing him say he just wants to talk to me.

And I exhale, feeling us passing him, letting go of Caesar's arm, getting closer to him anyways, feeling protected, and hear him say, "Thanks for listening tiny one."

I exhale, feeling my smile, seeing them walking up to us, and say, "I trust you big brother, of course I'm gonna listen to you, unless it's about how you eat because I'm always gonna side with Mimi on that."

And I hear him laugh, seeing those reds look at me, feeling my smile, see him look over to my left, I think behind me, hoping he trust Caesar too, knows I'm fine, and I see those reds look back at me.

I see those reds look me up, I think trying to see if I'm okay, feeling myself breathe, knowing he probably knows I'm okay, he's just a worrywart, but knows I'm going to listen. And then I see him look at Caesar, see those reds look down at Ming, and then back up at Caesar I think with a nod, that darn talking without talking thing they do, and hear Caesar exhale. I guess I'll find out what that's all about right now.


I exhale and say, "Yeah, outside of her class, next to the door this time until he saw me and moved to the other side."

I see him nod and hear him say, "Riley."

I hear my brother exhale and hear him say, "Yeah Caes, watching 'em."

I look up at that line, knowing they need this, they do, but only for ten minutes and then I'm dragging her back here.

I hear him say, "Alright, well he ain't show up here yet so he must be scared and I'll fuck him up again, maybe when I show up to her class 'morrow."

I look over at him, see him roll his eyes, and he says, "What you gonna say brother, to not do it cuz I'll get expelled or some shit?"

I exhale and say, "That's one point, the other is that at least right now there is no way he's getting near her, like I know that fucken idiot is getting nowhere near my girlfriend, outside of one class I still have to deal with."

I see him nod and I continue, "So if you do go, give me four minutes to make it to my locker, get her, and get to you so I can pull you off of him before he blacks out and Jazmine can hold your girlfriend back from trying to stop you and getting hurt in the process."

I see him exhale and hear Hiro say, "Got a question for you'll."

I look over at him, see him looking at that table, and he says, "How you'll make them get that fucken scared without putting them in a fucken comma, where they won't show even to lunch but that fucken dick still shows?"

I exhale, knowing he's talking about the idiot that still looks at his girlfriend from where he sits even when he has a girl on his lap, coming back a few days after his cousin made him kneel in front of Lauren, and still he came back, with those bruises but he still came back.

And I hear myself say, "Even with wolves waiting for them, throwing them off that cliff won't be enough, so we'll just leave them there to die in their own filth."

And I hear their cackling, feeling my smirk, and look at her, just to look at her, nothing more, and see that mouth say, 'Bestie only after we check the platforms.'

And I feel it, hearing myself doing it, possibly, maybe, laughing at that Jazmine head assuming checking the platforms, social media that connects us to the world outside of the surrounding cities, matters more than making sure she's safe, because something she doesn't understanding, possibly will never understand, is that the only difference between my goals, my interests, now from when I was younger, is the energy necessary for those goals, those interests, had created an imbalance in my life I needed. I exhale, possibly still laughing at the ridiculousness of it all, knowing I needed that imbalance in order to focus on that obsession over those thoughts, the ones below the surface, putting my resources, my energy into those obsessions, leading to some useless information, like the everyday happenings of the illuminati when at least right now, what matters right now, are the brothers that are in prison. That's what matters right now, the brothers that will never see daylight, like brother Shabazz, the ones that are too far away from children and parents that care about them, that will have a hard, if not impossible time, finding legal work when they get out. That is where my focus is now, my obsession is today, living people, not white Europe and it's atrocities and corruption I'm fully aware of profit from abductions, murders, wars, genocides. My focus today is the abductions, murders, wars, genocides, that are happening right now, right here, and have a ripple effect outside of this country, where it's acceptable to give a person no way out of economic depression, the ghetto, the urban ghetto, the country ghetto, forcing them to buy and sell controlled substances, controlled only so the white man on top can be the only one that profits from them. And then putting them in jail, prison, for selling those substances, leaving their children, the next generation to fall into the cycle of poverty, killing them slowly. And since that is readily acceptable in this country it must be acceptable for any other country with military power to traffic guns and ammunition to rebel groups that do not care about abducting, killing, justifying wars even genocide on cities full of civilians, most that can barely hold a weapon, so long as they win that war, because to that country with military power trafficking those guns, brown people killing black people killing brown people doesn't make a bleep on their radar. And all of this is information I would not have focused on, but rather the history of the middle east, Africa, Asia, Russia, Latin America, when it is necessary to know that history in order to not make the same mistakes, but how is that important when blacks and browns are overcrowding prisons, the legal system, and not part of the economy, the society that will make or not make those mistakes? We need to focus on right now with goals in the future, hope for the far future, and not on the past, on families that mean nothing, because she means more than that, her fear of that happening to me right now means more than that, those greens, feeling my exhale after that laugh, seeing those eyes water, possibly because she's happy I just laughed, maybe, means more than that. And she doesn't have to know that history, those platforms, social media, come second to what we can do for our community right now, right here, so that ripple effect can have some positive effect on people outside of this country. She doesn't have to know all of that comes second to keeping that hope, that drive, safe.

I inhale, knowing my priorities, the order they're in, as I stand up, walking, see her turn with those lips smiling at her sister telling her to not worry, feeling relaxed as I get to that smile, and I see that face turn to me, the one I know is the most beautiful one I've seen here and everywhere I've been.

I grab that soft hand and she says, "I know bestie, we were going right now because it's been ten," and I kiss those lips.

I hear something fall, idiot teenagers that know nothing outside of their gossip, hearing her sister and friends cursing at those kids to mind their own damn business, and hear that idiot counselor say something I don't care about.

I kiss those lips again, move away, knowing what I want but I also understand what I get right now is more than enough, respectful enough, it's the first day back from Spring Break so she probably wants to see her friends, as I see those greens opens with that smile, and she says, "I'm so touching you all of lunch."

I feel my smirk, turn back to that table where she's the safest outside of my lap in that janitor's room, and start walking back, hearing her sister and friends following us back, talking about their extra-curricular activities and jobs, because they're not one dimensional, and hear that voice say, "Lena what's wrong?"

I look over at her, having seen her ten seconds ago, knowing she was walking over to us, see her exhale, and she says, "Jazzy, I know why it happened, and I totally forgot to tell you yesterday, I'm so sorry."

I continue walking, holding onto that soft hand, and say, "Not out here, too much happened last week."

I hear them talking as we're walking back and exhale hearing her tell Lena to not worry about that and she's not changing her phone number because it doesn't matter, and I know, like I know who I am, what I am, that I'll be touching her most of this break while I eat that new lunch she brought us that she doesn't have to know has been exceptional.


Poor Lena. I need to bring her something to cheer her up, maybe a treat my sister wants to make this weekend.

I keep writing, feel her hug me from behind, feeling my smile, and feel her let go of me.

I wonder if I can ask if we can read the chapter I'm on, it just sounds so cool, so powerful. I mean all I really remember is that last part I read but it just left me wanting to read more, that part where the author said how they refused to leave their fates to the market economy or to Jim Crow and were going to attack social and economic problems in every way they could.

I exhale, writing, remembering that sentence, how much further I got in my book over Spring Break, hoping I get to learn more about what 'market economy' means and how to fight it, how close I am to being done with my book, and then I stop writing. Oh Black Jesus. I just wrote that sentence from my book on the board, hearing some students laughing I think, and I grab the eraser and erase it off the board. Okay, stop being weird Jazmine and focus. I look back at the paper she gave me, start writing the next thing on the agenda on the board, remembering when we were talking for a little before class, how awesome it feels to know that much about my favorite teacher, still not believing they actually came to this school, just how smart she is, and know whatever she has us read will be really great anyways so I won't ask if we can read the next chapter.

I hear the second bell ring, exhale, trying to not think about it because he's just a jerk, and hear her say, "Good afternoon class. I'm happy to see all of you and I hope you had a relaxing Spring Break because we are going to start right away so," and I hear the door open and then close.

I hear those footsteps and hear her tell him to sit down and he's going to be marked late.

Then I hear the door open again and hear Ms. Reed say, "It's good to see both of you. You will both be marked late. Please take your seats."

I hear those footsteps, finish writing that last sentence about a homework assignment due on Friday, put the lid back on the marker, put it down, turn, and see her by the door, smirking at me.

I walk up to Ms. Reed's desk, put the paper down, say hi to Lisa, and hear her say hi. I walk down the row to the back of the class, go around Joanna, see her smile at me, remembering she texted me this weekend and I told her I'd bring it for her this week, making me feel happy we have so many similarities, walk around the back, say hi to Johnny, walk up that last row, touching that cute bun on the way, hearing her giggle, and I get to my desk.

I sit down, start writing the agenda, hearing the whispering, and hear Ms. Reed say, "The fact that the school year is almost over should not mean the class rules, one of them being talking about other students while you're in class, should be taken lightly but possibly with more seriousness since your final grades will be posted soon."

And I hear the whispering stop.

I keep writing, hoping I don't miss anything, and hear her say, "And so, as I was saying, we are going to start right away so if you have not written down the agenda I suggest you leave that for later and start writing down the following outline I will be giving you regarding the topics we have covered since the beginning of last semester. The outline goes as follows, at the beginning of last semester we discussed theorists, specifically, men that led to the way our economy functions socially and economically, we moved onto some broad steps people have taken using those theories to build the society we live in, then we went over the ways people today are affected socially and economically by those same theories, theories that have become part of the fabric of this country. We immediately went into race relations with the readings on how other countries possibly view this country and how and why we live as we do, how people use their perception and imagination to connect to people in this country, specifically a people that live in certain locations in our country, even in this city, and are overwhelmingly represented in those locations, being people of color. Then we read through research by a contemporary African American researcher, historian, and professor about the plight of African American women at the beginning of the twentieth century, hoping you found a connection between those women and people of today, how some, if not all, do what is necessary through strength and ingenuity, mustering it from nothing with a large population of this country today still coming from nothing, to figure how they will feed their children, clothe them, and live the best way they can under all circumstances. And I do hope, if you didn't see it before, you can now see how the market, having a say in how it functions through the accumulation of assets, which I know we didn't discuss only because there's only so much time to be in class, but assets are generally properties, investments, such as stocks, retirement plans, and even bank accounts, accumulation of such assets or how having economic power, having more or less of those assets, both theories discussed at the beginning of last semester, has been a theme in every topic we went over, and finally how race, ethnicity, are an actual thread in each topic as well, constructing, shifting, changing how people live, as people continuously try to control and direct their lives as best they can within the economic and social fabric of this society. Now."

I hear her stop, exhale, writing it down, trying to keep up, not sure if I wrote it all down but remembering mom telling my sister the other day to not worry about small words, like 'the', when writing class notes, just write the big words and words we know and just keep writing, not worrying about what we write as long as it makes sense to us, and hear Ms. Reed say, "Now, at the end of this semester I would like to bring it back full circle to those fundamental aspects of this society, the market economy, how it functions to create relationships, group people that some would say would normally not be grouped together, specifically races, ethnicities, that would, at least geographically, not converge, and how that same economic market can and historically has separated races, ethnicities, finishing with a contemporary topic I'm sure you have all heard of and is the well-known and controversial topic of this country's growing economic inequality."

I exhale, closing my eyes, so happy I'm in this class, so happy that we're learning so much, so much that's important, and hope she'll let me have her as my teacher forever, and hear that voice say, "Are we going to have to read any more books because," and hear myself, sounding so annoyed, almost so Huey-like, saying, "We never read any books."

And I hear her inhale and hear her say, "I didn't ask you."

I exhale, opening my eyes, look over at her, see those eyes I'm not jealous of anymore, and say, "No you didn't but I answered it because it's the truth and it's a dumb question."

I see Michelle exhale, see her look at Ms. Reed, and she says, "Are you just going to let her say that to me Ms. Reed?"

I roll my eyes and hear a voice say, "Well Ms. Reed really didn't assign us any books and saying she did is almost like lying, something you shouldn't be doing."

I feel my mouth open, look over at Lisa, see her writing on her paper, and hear Ms. Reed say, "Thank you Jazmine and Lisa and you are correct, I never assigned a book to read, I assigned one chapter that was less than fifty pages when the book itself is several hundred pages, now, please let me know if I'm mistaken Michelle and if I did assign a book to read by finishing your question."

I look over at her, see her look at me, see those eyebrows lower, and she says, "I was going to ask if we're going to read any more long chapters because it's almost the end of the semester and some of us have vacations we're planning with our families and don't have time to do all that reading."

I exhale, see her maybe getting red, roll my eyes, looking back at my paper, writing down the rest of what Ms. Reed said, and hear Ms. Reed say, "I understand that is a priority, spending time with family, and so if the assignments I give are too long for anyone in class or any of you find that you simply can't get to them please have your parents make an appointment with me and I will gladly speak to them about what other assignments I can give you while you're planning your vacation. Now, let's continue on with the lesson. We will start with the first order on the agenda, briefly going over the authors we discussed last semester and…."

I exhale, cracking my strong right wrist, and start writing, not adding small words, just making sure my notes make sense to me because I'm going to keep learning anything and everything I can so one day, hopefully, I can help that afro and our friends see the world, everything, be different.


And I press send.

I feel that back move into me, bringing my hands around that waist, putting my face in that afro, inhaling all that unrealistic optimism, that damn hope that this world is better than it actually is, and hear her ask me how long.

I exhale, bring my hand up, moving those curls to get to that neck, and say, "He will respond by next week at the latest."

I kiss that neck, knowing this won't change anything, not a damn thing, the time giving is set, and if they continue to not cause trouble they will be out in a few months, before the end of summer, meaning they will still find work at those docks, if they choose to take them back, but it doesn't change a damn thing about this world, and hear her say, "That's so great, this will change so much for those little kids, so much."

I bite that neck, feeling her squirm, licking that bite, and hear her say, "Bestie, I'm not staying so," and I bite that neck again, feeling that ass move into me, and say, "I want you to sleep over tonight."

Shit.

I inhale, moving away from that neck, and say, "No, it's not something," and feel her turning in my arms.

I see that face, those greens looking at me, feeling my exhale, and she says, "I'm not leaving yet, we took care of helping those families with how smart you are, asking their public defender to move them to a closer jail, something Mimi and I knew you and Caes would figure out if we just asked you to do it because you're that smart, and you even let me see how you do it, what to write in those emails to public defenders, what words are the best ones to use, and I want to kiss you until I leave to hang out with my mom and sister, not only because I can't wait until tomorrow night when I do sleep over but because I want to remind you who you belong to."

I kiss those lips, putting my hands under that shirt, feeling that skin, grabbing that shirt, moving it up, moving away from that face, taking off that shirt, seeing a purple bra, and feel her kiss me, feeling those hands push me back on the bed, those breasts pressing down on me.

I start moving under that stomach just enough, holding on to those hips, hearing her moan into my mouth, covered in that afro, smelling that hair, kissing that face, and hear her say she wants me home by noon.

I groan, moving her over, and put her under me. I see those eyes blink, framed by that afro like a damn halo, and she says, "And I don't care what she thinks, I don't care that I didn't know about what she said about me until after we left the store, after I told you to help her, I don't care that I'm a little jealous not because of that but because she was pretty and black, because I know I'm black, I know it, I know I'm creole and white and a mixture of all of that, and," and I taste that tongue, biting that full bottom lip, going down that neck, marking what's mine, hearing her say my name, and say, "You're exactly what you need to be, including too optimistic, asking me to help a stranger because of your skewed way of thinking women need to help each other and I'm helping you accomplish that somehow when those are not my priorities, and I won't have enough time right now to remind you of all of that, specifically, why," and I bite the top of that soft breast, hearing her curse, and say, "Why you shouldn't be jealous of anyone my Nubian queen."

And I put my mouth over that purple bra, almost red, tasting that fabric, her skin between those intricate holes, and hear her say she's marking me everywhere, as I start rubbing myself on that strong thick thigh that belongs to her.


I tighten it, lift the handle, see the water coming through, pull on the nozzle, and see the stream expand as it should. I move the handle down, knowing that should be it, and wipe my hands on my jeans, trying to not think of her unbuttoning these jeans weeks ago on that Saturday morning before we went to help at the shelter. And that Jazmine head asked me to be home by noon today.

I walk out of the kitchen into the hallway and say, "I'm leaving."

I walk to the front door knowing there are some emails I want to get to first and then I can work on Grandad's bathroom, and hear her say, "Wait, I still need to pay you."

I get to the door and say, "It's fine, it look less than one hour."

I turn the doorknob knowing I should have enough time to pass by the shelter to check on Mr. Willis, and hear those steps running, remembering how I was raised and how she would say I shouldn't be 'rude' and wait.

I exhale, waiting, and hear her behind me, remembering to also be 'nice', and turn around, feeling my eyebrow rise.

I see her walk up to me in those shorts she wasn't wearing when I got here, while she directed me to her bathroom to check the water pressure, and then her living room to check if all the flooring was 'okay' or rather if there were any indents or snags requiring new carpeting, if the plugs all worked properly, things she said she didn't check when she moved in because she didn't know what to look for, which I only know of from searching places, houses, offices, basements, and sometimes sewers, for evidence. I also know of these things because of fixing anything I possibly can fix at our house and Aunt Cookie's in order to help with the bills, things an eighteen year-old woman, who apparently lived with family until she moved to another state to distance herself from them, would not know to look for, an eighteen year-old who lives in a spacious apartment in the middle-class section of downtown Woodcrest, in a spacious hallway, walking up to me, holding several bills in her hand, and swaying her hips in those shorts.

I look up at her, see her smirk, as she gets to me, and says, "I run a little. Do you like women that run, exercise, you know, take care of themselves, a black woman that's independent, goes to school, is planning on going to a university, that can take care of herself, what some guys think is too independent, especially because I'm black, who's had a hard time meeting a nice guy, a nice black guy that's as studious as me, works, and even more than that, a guy that's part of organizations that help us, our people, that I found out about when I googled your name, seeing how not only smart but really proud you are to be who you are, who we are, knowing if you're part of those things you probably don't wanna be seen with a mix girl, but a real black girl, one that will help you with whatever you do in those organizations, where you probably have to do a lot of public speaking and want a girl they'll expect you to be with, a woman you can be proud to take with you, a little older than you to show them just how mature you really are, a woman that's going to own businesses one day selling to our people, anything they need, black women's hair products, because we need to be in business, we need to own more businesses, and we can only do that with our own people, and that's who you need Huey, a woman that can be that, not just another mix girl that people will never accept when you're at those rallies and public speaking events, showing them how incredibly smart and proud you are to be who you are, not just how good looking you are, knowing for sure my mom will be so happy when I bring you home, a guy that's completely black, can not only talk to my mom about the news and the economy, but can also talk to my stepdad about becoming a lawyer, my stepdad who can even help you with that, and I can help you with that too getting you a job where I work, knowing my stepdad will maybe even be okay knowing you sleep here on the weekends because it's you, I can give you all of that if you just give me a chance, get to know me, so I can help you be really proud of our people, and all you have to do is let me take charge of," and I put my hands on her hands.


I hear her say, "I trust my man Jazzy, I do, but damn, you really trust that afro."

I exhale and nod, feeling my smile, hearing that song, relaxing to the music.

I hear that instrument, one of my favorite songs, hearing all of us exhale I think, and hear that sweet deep voice I love say, "Deeper than words."

I feel myself sink into the chair I think a little more, hearing that song, Deeper Than Words my sister said, warming up to the sun, that warm sun, thinking about vegetables, sunshine, and hard work, and hear Lauren say, "All those songs you know from your favorite show Cin bear and all you have to do is hear the beginning of the song. I just wish Dragon ball had this kind of music."

I feel my smile and say, "Yeah I have to say I love my space cowboy but I've just never been able to fall asleep to Bebop's music like I can to Champloo's music."

And I hear Ming say, "Well you can be loyal to one, liking music from another cartoon, and just knowing your favorite show ain't ever gonna change and shit, kinda like."

I hear her stop, moving my face over to where she is, and hear her say, "Kinda like what relationships are like, you're just loyal and shit, so much that even if they ever look, see girls cuz they ain't dead, just like we ain't dead and I see when guys look at me, it doesn't mean anything, just means we know we're lucky and no matter what happens right now or ever they're always gonna be loyal to their favorite show and shit."

I feel my smile, feel her hand scratching my palm, and can't help but start laughing, hearing them laughing with me.

After that laugh I hear my sister say, "Kay Jazzy boo, time."

I exhale at how cute and cuddly she is now, take my sunhat off, sit up, and see her getting up from her lounge chair in that cute bikini mom told her to get, same style as mine but hers is all red and mine is pink with cute palm trees. I see walk around Lauren, who only needs one coat every few hours because she's lucky, see my sister get to me, and see her sit on my chair.

I smile, kiss her shoulder, see her shake her head with her smile as she opens the bottle, and I turn, laying back down with my face down on the lounge chair.

I exhale, hearing the music, the chirping of the birds, smelling the empanadas that I ate too many of, specially after Lauren's mom said they were homemade and she made the cheese ones just for me, and feel the string on my top disappear and then that lotion on my back.

I feel my sister start moving it over my back, remembering Lauren and me doing the same thing for my sister and Ming half an hour ago, knowing we'll do it again for them in another half hour because they only need to have it reapplied every hour, and say, "I'm so high maintenance."

I hear them laugh, feel my smile, and hear that voice I love say, "It ain't that Jazzy boo, just that Laurie lucky with that skin, and Mimi's and me wells, we play ball, been playing, so we out in the sun all the damn time and our skin got used to it getting sunburned and whatnot, so when we burn now it's just a little and shit, but you Jazzy, you really ain't used to it cuz you were kinda never out and shit, just in your room, reading, only coming out when it was 'bout making money to save animals or trying to get a damn horse from Ed's grandad, which kinda is the same shit since you were still trying to save an animal doing that, but that be the only time you came out and your skin didn't get used to it, so that's why you burn, but now Jazzy, now you come out with us lot more, you come out with me, and I ain't ever gonna let you go back to your room or I'll kill him."

I exhale, get up, turn to her, and hug her, hearing her laugh, feeling her putting her arms around me, and I tell her I love her, hearing our friends laughing, and then feeling my top being tightened on the back again.

And I start laughing, happy it's only us, hanging out, having fun, being together, away from school and people there that don't care about us, and hear a voice say, "Okay mis amores, these are cool enough, and I'm making more pina colada."

I look over at her and see her walking out of their house holding that tray, still wanting to ask her where she got that long dark green flare skirt with that big pretty bow in the front, a skirt that shows how tiny she is, and that black cotton top that has straps that tie into bows over her shoulders. And I see that thick hair that's just below her shoulders move a little, those afro waves. Everything making her look like a beautiful black woman with skin that shines just like her daughter's perfect chocolate colored skin, that small nose, those hazel eyes, under thick jet black eyebrows, and just so pretty that I know my sister's right, hearing her say, "You sure you not from some royals in Puerto Rico Ms. Lorena cuz that just means we know kings and whatnot there?"

I start laughing, hearing us all laughing at my funny sister, and hear Lauren's mom say, "Ai mi amor, no, not kings en mi isla but my ama says she comes from a royal family in Africa that I never met."

I feel my mouth open, see Lauren's mom putting down the tray on the table, and hear Lauren say, "Mami you never told me that but can we go visit them because Jazzy wants to go to Africa?"

I look over at Lauren, see her in that two piece dark purple swimsuit with cute black flowers on it, blink, and say, "Wait Laurie, how do you know that?"

I see Lauren look at me, see her smile that pretty smile, and hear a voice say, "Jazzy we all kinda know that and know after we're outta this school we're going from Africa back to the islands, stopping in Puerto Rico, then Jamaica, and then moving on up to where the polar bears be that Cin bear wanna steal."

I feel my chair move, closing my eyes, laughing, hearing Ming laughing and telling my sister she's not going to tell anyone about her secret love for polar bears but she's going to make her pee if she doesn't stop tickling her.

And I hear that laughing stop and hear that sweet deep voice say, "Better cuz only you'll and maybe my mama and Riles know 'bout that and I ain't need no one at that bs of a school knowing shit 'bout me."

I smile, grabbing the sunblock bottle, putting more on my shoulders and arms, remembering how cute it is that my sister doesn't curse as much when we're at Lauren or Ming's house and just doesn't curse as much, loving it, and hear those footsteps going over to her mom. I hear her kiss her head, feeling my smile, putting the sunblock on my stomach under my top, hearing them talking in Spanish, how much I love that they have that like my mom and sister and me kind of talk to each other in our language that has special words we made up, how cute it is that Ming has that too where her parents call her cute names in Mandarin that I think mean 'baby' and 'smart' and she answers them in English, and start hoping in some weird way we stay being friends forever. And I feel my chair move, feel those arms hug me, turn to kiss her head, hearing her giggle, and hear her say, "So, any more calls or texts Jazzy cuz I really wanna try out those moves from last week?"

I start laughing, hearing her mom walking away saying she's coming back with more of the pina colada she made for us, not knowing those drinks could be alcoholic and nonalcoholic but happy Lauren's mom and dad don't like drinking alcohol.

And I smile seeing Lauren take the bottle from my hand, see her putting some sunblock on my legs, and say, "No texts, just calls from numbers I don't know, so I don't know if they're coming from him or who they're coming from, or really if that's how he got my number, and it doesn't matter because I'm just gonna keep blocking them."

I see that empanada in front of me, smile grabbing it from Ming, and take a bite. Oh Black Jesus. And I hear them laughing I think because I said that out loud, making me smile.

I hear her exhale and hear my sister say, "Shit Jazzy boo you knows that's how he got your number, I mean just ain't no other way, shit that happened to Phil at that party, Phil who got our numbers, and then that asshole starts texting you that night, and now you getting calls from other numbers you gotta block. Yeah, you know he got it, took all that info and probably threw the phone away so he wouldn't get caught, you know getting rid of evidence and shit, making Phil have to get a new one, and Lena girl feeling shitty 'bout that too with all the other shit she went through that night."

I exhale, swallowing that empanada, looking at the still, kind of peaceful, water, and say, "Yeah I know you're right sis and honestly I feel bad because she did go through a lot that that night, was so frazzled, almost crying the next day when we talked because she was scared Phil got punched even though I kept telling her the video showed he never got hit, all because he was taking care of her because that guy was drunk and just acting like a jerk saying dumb things to her, and then on Monday at lunch her telling us how she started getting those weird calls too and forgot to tell me how Phil had lost his phone during the fight, and now blaming herself because she thinks that's how that jerk got my phone, probably grabbed Phil's phone during the fight and maybe gave some of the phone numbers in Phil's phone to other people, and I've kept telling her every day this week that I don't care about that, I care about her and Phil, and I'm happy Phil defended her and that's all that matters."

I hear those steps, look up at her, feeling my smile, seeing her put the container with that drink on the table, see her look at us smiling, and she says, "Okay mis amores, you all keep having fun, I'm going to pick up some dry cleaning but remember you can invite them if you want or just keep spending time with mi preciosa."

I smile, seeing Lauren walk up to her mom, hug her, and tell her she loves her. I see her mom kiss her head, see Lauren let go of her, and see her mom turn around, walking back into their house.

I grab my cup, get up, walk over the table, grab one of the broccoli trees, and put it in my mouth, looking at all those vegetables Lauren's mom put out for us and the homemade beef and vegetable empanadas and the cheese empanadas.

And I feel those arms hug me, feeling that kiss on my head, and hear that sweet deep voice say, "Shit and we dealing with you getting those fucken calls and stupid ass texts from dumbasses and I'm over here worried 'bout shit fucking up the team."

I lean into her, pouring that drink into my cup, and say, "Sis that's way more important. And that starts this week and I'm going to figure out how to be there every other day so I can slap her if she gets near you."

I feel her hug me tighter, wanting to go find that girl right now to beat her for making my sister feel like this about something she should feel happy about, and hear Ming say, "Don't worry Jazzy, you gots to be at your job, and I'll fuck her up if she gets near the real team captain."

I feel my smile and hear Lauren say, "I'll have my knives."

And I hear her laughing into my shoulder, turning to kiss that soft blonde head, and hear her say into my shoulder, "Love you'll and I just gotta deal with it and she can't really do shit cuz coach will call her out on it but I just feel fucked up 'bout her not focusing, if she does that shit again, and then fucking up the form making the team not be ready for next year, and losing any fucken games cuz of her ass, and I just don't wanna fail no one."

I put my drink down, turn, hugging my little sister, squeezing her, feeling us all hugging each other, smelling that combination of the lotions we use with the sunblock, not knowing it could smell really good, really warm, and hear us tell her she's not going to fail anyone and she's the best unofficial team captain ever and we'll cut Miranda if she messes up anything for the team.

And I feel and hear us all laughing again.

After sitting back down, getting that warm sun again, hearing the next song, I think Wasted by Summer Walker, remembering loving how she uses that old R music that reminds me of some of the music my mom listened to when I was little, I hear Ming say, "Wells it's only for a minute and then we'll go back to help Ms. Lola cuz we know she needs the help and says she won't get anyone to help her until we're back cuz she likes how we work."

I feel my smile and hear Lauren say, "I'd go help you two but I like where I'm working and I just can't wait to go back."

I exhale, wanting to so badly, and say, "I wanna work there too."

I hear them laughing and say, "But I do love Mo and the residents, it's just that working there sounds like so much fun."

I hear them snickering and hear my sister say, "I 'on't see it, working with little kids, I means our little nieces are cool as fuck, best nieces ever but that's why I can handle them, cuz you know they 'on't really need shit like other little kids I think, just lots of tickles."

And I start laughing, hearing Lauren and my sister laughing, and hear Ming say, "Yeah, I don't get it either. I mean kids are cool, they are, but they're just so much work and shit, I mean I like them older where we can help them with homework and shit, skate and shit, play ball with them, but little kids that you be handling Laurie, damn, takes some balls."

I exhale, happy, hearing the music, another one of my favorites, Flow by Evil Needle, wondering if my Pandora account went in to auto play and is going through all my channels, and hear Lauren say, "It is hard sometimes, but not because of the little kids but because of the parents when they don't show up on time and you know it's the same little kids, the same ones that's mom and dad always show up late, and they're the last ones there playing with no other little kids again because all the other little kids got picked up already, but it's pass the time the program closes and they're still there waiting for their mom or dad to pick them up, and I'm trying to cheer him up, playing games with him and my parents are calling me to ask me what time I'm going home because it's late, and my Hiro's texting asking me if I want him to come get me, and I'm there trying to make Pete smile, knowing he blushes when I get close so I do it and just watch him smile looking at the board game, and just."

I hear her exhale, turn to her, stretching my hand out, feeling her arm, scratching it with my fingers, hearing her exhale again, and hear her say, "And that's why yesterday I told him that I won't be working there for a little but other people, teachers, will be there, and I gave him my phone number so if he wants to and his parents let him he can come hang out with me on the weekends and even sleep over my house and I can kind of babysit him even if he's a nine and a half and a 'big boy' he says and can take care of himself but he's so smart and sweet and just such a good little kid and I don't want him to think I'm leaving him forever, just for a few weeks, and it's weird how his parents called this morning, asked me if I was serious about babysitting him and I said I was and he's a really good boy and they said they'll drop him off next weekend."

I exhale, feeling her hand over mine, and hear us all say, "Love you Laurie," and hear us all start laughing.

And I feel myself go back into the chair, feeling that warm sun, after being in the pool for a while, swimming, playing games with my sister and friends, eating, drinking that really good pina colada drink, putting on sunblock so many times with my sister reminding me over and over when I was supposed to put it on, talking, laughing, Ming telling us how she made Caesar promise to not beat up that jerk that came back this week because she doesn't want him getting in trouble unless that jerk comes up to her, happy he hasn't shown up to the cafeteria for lunch, remembering that creepy jerk also came back but he hasn't shown up at Huey's locker, no one has since that day on Monday when Cairo was there and Caesar protected me because he cares about me, just like how Huey cares about Ming and he walks her every day for lunch from her class to his locker where Caesar and I meet them, because we care about each other and I think that's one of the reasons Caesar is not going after that guy, because Huey's there to protect Ming. And this is all complicated to me but it works, that for lunch Caesar is closer to my class and Huey's locker and can protect me, Huey is closer to Ming's class and walks her over to us, Riley walks with my sister from the class they have together this semester since he moved up language classes, and Hiro makes Lauren wait in her classes because they're in the same building for their second periods, and we're all happy. We're all happy. And no one, not any creepy guy, no jerk, no horrible people that don't care about us, is going to stop us from thinking about those good things, how much we all care about each other even if the guys never say it, thinking about those things that make us happy, like us all hanging out together today after being at school and work for a week after Spring break, how close we've stayed just to make sure nothing happens, so those good things don't leave us, even if that meant me asking Ms. Hoffman if I could still leave early this week from her class, getting to Ms. Reed's class early to help her each day, hearing Cairo getting there early after Monday, hearing him say hi to Ms. Reed, hearing him sit down before the first bell rings, and feeling him kind of watching me writing on the board. I exhale, so happy that he's left right after the bell rings after class, with me sitting there, waiting for Huey to come get me, hearing that voice say my name as I'm finishing my notes. And all those good things are what my grandma says we need to think about, those good things, hearing those voices, hearing all those voices, my sister, Ming, Lauren, Riley, Caesar, Hiro, and Huey, my Huey that taste like clean vegetables, feels like hard work, and smells like sunshine, that sunshine that I can't feel anymore, and I open my eyes.

I feel my eyebrow rise seeing an old black Nike t-shirt, a Nike t-shirt I know, and take my sunhat off. And I feel my smile, seeing him looking at me, or really looking down at me, at my body I think, feeling my face getting red, and see those eyes look up at my face, looking at me like that, making me want to run to Lauren's downstairs bathroom because we're around our friends and he shouldn't be looking at me like that around our friends, in Lauren's house.

We're in Lauren's house. He was going to call me when he got home.

I blink and say, "Bestie why are you here? Is everything okay? How did," and see that chest and face come down, blink, and feel him kiss me.

I feel those hands on my waist, pulling me up, putting my hands on those broad shoulders, feeling my chair moving, tasting that tongue that taste like water and vegetables and I think an apple, hearing Riley saying something I think, feeling myself sitting on that lap, kissing that chin, and hear him say we need to talk.

I keep kissing that chin, that cheek, feeling my smile hearing him exhale, and say, "Okay bestie. About what? I've been checking the platforms, I didn't see anything new, and I just need to tell you about an email Ericka sent me this morning about a program she found out about but what do you wanna talk about?"

I feel those hands on my cheeks, see those eyes come down looking at me, and see that brain thinking, that warm brain, giving him those seconds he needs to think, looking at my face, not sure if he's looking at how red I have to be even if I did put sunblock on every half hour, and after seconds or half a minute I think, I feel him kiss me.

I kiss him back, move back, kissing that nose, that forehead, those eyes, and say, "What's wrong Huey, my Huey, something's off, I can feel it a little, tell me."

I hear that long exhale from him, letting me kiss him, closing my eyes, and hear that monotone voice say, "I do not want you to have a bad day, that's not what you need, and I'm selfish for coming here, I'll tell you tonight."

I open my eyes, see him move back, and I grab those cheeks, moving into that face, that face I never thought I would kiss like I do now, knowing everything I know about him, that he does everything with purpose, and say, "No Huey, it was important enough you came, even though I don't really know what time it is, but it's still morning so you probably came from helping that woman, you probably haven't gotten to go home to take care of Grandad's bathroom even if I told you he doesn't need it until tomorrow when he's back from Ms. Lola's, but you still came, without going home, so it's important, now tell me."

I blink, remembering I always kind of had a little crush on him, even when we were kids and he was being mean to me, talking to him like this back then but only because we were friends and I could talk to him like this, but I never thought I'd be talking to him like this, where I tell him things, tell him anything, and we're more than friends, so much more now, seeing those eyes blink, hearing him say he loves me.

I smile, knowing this has been the best day ever, and days just keep getting better, and hear him tell me that woman that we met last weekend, that woman that asked if he could help her with some stuff she needed fixed in her house, that woman that's a year and a half older than him, that woman that I told him to help before I knew all the things she said about me, the things about me not being black because I'm mix, that woman that I told him to help because she's a black woman and we need to help each other, specially black women, women of color, all women, we need to help each other, and if my boyfriend can help her then I want him to, that woman I let him go help, that woman I told him to go help today in her house where they were going to be alone in her house behind a locked door where he was alone with her and I wasn't there, that woman who's address I have because Huey gave me her address because he doesn't lie and wanted me to know where he was going to be today, that woman offered herself to him, wanted to have sex with him, my boyfriend, my warm brain, mine, and I see red.


I see those eyes looking at the screen and say, "Jazmine."

I see those eyes focus, see her look at me, feeling that shiver going down my spine again, like I felt hours ago when I told her with the least amount of detail as possible some of what happened today, not necessarily wanting to go into descriptions but seeing those eyes focus I told her about turning to look at her, what she said as unimportant as it was since only half of it was partially true, most of it made little if any sense, how she grabbed her shirt, lifting it up, saw what she was doing and put my hands on her hands, stopping her. I saw that hurt look, rejection, told her I wasn't interested, let go of her hands stepping back, and she took off that shirt as I was turning around. I heard something, possibly that shirt, fall onto the floor, and heard her say she would let me think about it and if I wanted to see what she was offering I could turn around. I grabbed the doorknob, turned it, walked out, and closed the door behind me. Then I drove to the shelter, talked to Mr. Willis and Frank, and saw that Mr. Willis looked well, was talking more, helping me feel less worried about him. I drove home, walked into my room, looked at my phone again, saw the missed calls and some texts messages knowing I would have to block that phone number, and felt myself look up at that painting for some inexplicable reason, the one from my birthday last year, that day I still do not celebrate but am open to for her. Her.

After looking at that painting for two seconds, I felt myself walk over to my drawer, grabbed a shirt, some shorts, not caring what I was grabbing, walked out of my room, called out my brother's name and told him he had five minutes and I was leaving. I walked out, got into Dorothy, and in two minutes my brother was getting in the car with clothes in his hands, on the phone talking to Hiro. He got off the phone and said Hiro and Caesar wanted a ride. We picked them up, got to that house, walked into the backyard, and all I saw was that body in that swimsuit she's not wearing outside of one her friend's house or with me ever, that two-piece pink swimsuit with palm trees or some type of tropical plant, those three triangles covering her, starting at the bottom with those small feet, those long legs, those thick thighs, those hips under that soft stomach, and those breasts that are too big for her age, possibly something I'll have to get used to because they make her look older than the sixteen year-old girl she is, those breasts spilling out of those triangles, knowing I am a boob guy, I am, seeing that face covered by that obnoxiously large hat that was keeping me from seeing that face I hadn't seen all day, wanting to take that hat off and the rest of those triangles, and finally seeing that face.

And feeling her kissing me, I told her about that woman, something that's a first for me, not the part about being offered sex but having a woman I had known for a week invite me to her house to help with some home repair and maintenance and then having her offer herself to me there, alone, where any normal hormonal teenager would have jumped at the offer, but I'm not a normal teenager, a normal guy, highly doubt I'm going to be a normal man in any respect, and why would I want her when I have Jazmine.

I see that smile, exhale, hearing me say it to her again, like I did after I told her about that woman, like I told her several times thereafter while she sat on my lap, letting me hold that small waist, hearing her talking to our friends about the nursing home, asking Caesar about any other programs and organizations he knows about in Chicago, even if they were never useful to us in our work to help stop the incarceration and killing of brothers but those programs could be used for her focus, children of color, children in general that do not have a voice, holding her, telling her again, whenever I would hear that giggle and our friends were busy playing those pool games I see no point in but participated in because they needed even numbers on teams but more so because I wanted to see her enjoy herself and not think about the selfish reason I wanted to see her, telling her I loved her, knowing at that moment that I am selfish because one of the reasons I wanted to be there, to see her, was because some part of me felt cold and robotic when I saw that woman take off her shirt. I felt like that family. And I kept feeling like that on the way to the shelter, the drive home, and felt it dissipate when I saw that house knowing she was there, walking through that house, not necessarily seeing anything, just seeing those small feet on that chair, the body connected to those feet, that skin I've seen every time she lets me, sunburn or not, every time she lets me, that body that gets me hard enough to make me feel like a normal hormonal teenager, specifically when we're alone, and that face that looked at me like there is no possible way I would be anything like that family, feeling cleansed.

And I say it again, kissing that face, that I love her, like I told her several, possibly a dozen times today, not because I needed to remind her after telling her about that woman but more selfishly because I wanted to say it, feeling clean every time I would say it, those simple words, not having to be part of anything else, needing to be part of anything bigger than me, organizations, rallies, protests, missions, recommendations to law schools, positions at jobs, titles, recognition, none of that, having to be part of any of that to be enough, to not be part of that family or be more than just another black guy, what the world might possibly always see me as unless I'm part of those organizations, rallies, protests, reach a certain profession, have enough to be more than what I am right now, because to her I can be just another black guy, I can be all I am right now and that's enough for her, hearing her say she wants her Nubian king naked tonight, as I start taking off my shirt.


I hug her, putting my face in those awesome braids, and hear her say, "You got a heart of gold Jazzy cuz I would have gone to her house the next day."

I exhale, remembering Ming saying that to me once, how it had to do with another girl, another dumb girl, and say, "I wanted to but he didn't leave me alone the rest of that day, that whole night, and I had other things I needed to take care of the next day, like calling that girl we work with in Chicago, and then I wanted to go home to be with my mom and sister, and he wouldn't stop watching me, asking me where I was going, I think knowing I wanted to leave to that apartment to beat her but Black Jesus I still want to so badly."

I hear her laugh, making me smile, feel that turn, wanting so badly to leave right now, and get there, to that apartment, the one I was getting directions to that day after we got home from Lauren's house. I had hung up with Ming, had made all those notes in my laptop on the organization Caesar told us about that could help with tutoring those kids and would talk to Ericka about the next day, and had a few minutes before he would be walking into the room with that tea, that Jazmine tea he wanted, looking up those busses I had to take to get there, and then hearing him say my name. I looked up, saw him without cups, saw those dark burgundies looking at me, and saw that look again, the one of disappointment, that look he was giving me when he was telling me about that girl and I only noticed when I stopped being so angry, when I heard him tell me he loved me and he didn't want me to leave anywhere, he wanted me to stay there, at Lauren's house with our friends, he just wanted me there with him, telling me about that dumb girl that doesn't know him, how much he works, how tired he looked because he works so much, and people don't think he tires but he does, he doesn't just keep going and going, he tires and he needs sleep and vegetables and picnics with sunshine, and people don't know that, and looking at him standing there by his door without cups, kind of like he forgot about the tea, I asked him if he was okay, if my bestie was okay, and saw him walk up to me, taking those long steps, looking up at him, and feeling him kiss me.

And all I remember is telling him how much I wanted my Nubian king naked because no matter how much he tires he'll always be that for me, my Nubian king.

And I hear her tell me she's sorry and she's going to beat him.

I exhale, hugging her tighter, and say, "Lena no, please, just let him go. Don't even look at him if you see him because he's not worth it."

I hear her exhale, feel her stop, and hear her say, "Been wanting to tell you we aren't cool no more Cairo."

I inhale, look up, and see we are here, at my class, and that is him.

I squeeze her, see him exhale, and see him start walking up to us, feeling my eyebrow rise.

I feel her inhale, see him get to us, and he says, "Yeah, 'bout that shit, here."

And I see him pull out a cell phone from his pocket, feeling my other eyebrow rise, and see Lena grab that phone faster than I thought she was, feeling her holding the phone to her chest, under my arms.

I see him nod, see him look at me, and see him look away with that look, that look, and I exhale, and say, "Cairo," feel that pinch making me stop, and hear Lena say, "No Jazzy, no. Thanks Cairo for giving me my man's phone back. I know you didn't jack it but it still took you a week, damn week, to give it back and I'm getting weird numbers calling me so you even gave our phone numbers away, even Jazzy's, and she's not going to forgive you, she's not, specially because she told me what you did at that fair and that's a shitty thing to do Cairo, real shitty, so Jazzy ain't forgiving you, and all you did right now is prove you just ain't as stupid as you act because you only gave it back right now, in front of Jazzy, when you could've done this all last week when I saw you a few times walking to my class, so no, you ain't getting away with looking good right now, and she ain't forgiving you, got it."

I see him purse his lips looking at Lena, see him look at me again with that look, and see him turn around, going back to our class.

I exhale, put my face back in those braids, those awesome braids she thinks I can have one day but says all I have to do is keep being Jazzy, hugging her, and tell her she's the best, I need to stop falling for things, and I'm so, so happy she's my friend, and she's one of my best friends.

I feel her turn, feel her hug me, and hear her whisper, "Same Jazzy, and one, just told him the truth, and I'm smart enough to see pass that shit because I just knew he had it and I'd seen him 'least three times I counted last week when I passed by and I knew you were already in your class and he saw me, didn't say anything, not until today, a whole week later, and only when you're here, so he ain't getting pass me on that one, and two, you do got a heart of gold Jazzy and I know you, give too many chances, and we better figure shit out next semester cuz we're having at least one class together again even if I gotta go to the front office and make a formal request for that shit, and three, those chocolate chip cookies you and your sis made were the best ones I've ever, ever, had."

I start laughing, hoping she liked them, making sure we made a batch for our table because my sister wanted to work on her cookies this weekend, and it was just us, just my mom, my sister, and me last night making those cookies in our kitchen, how happy that made me, with that afro telling me to make sure to have the alarm on and text him when we were done because he was going to be reading his book on the history of Islam, being really happy last night asking my sister if we could put some cookies in a plastic bag just for Lena, seeing my sister come out with a red string to tie the bag, seeing that big smile on Lena when I told her it was from my sister and me to hopefully make her feel better, seeing her eat one of those cookies before our class started, and hearing her eating another one during class, and I hear the bell ring.

I exhale, letting go of her, see those braids all down, those long pretty braids she has, seeing that pretty smile again just like when she saw that bag of cookies, feeling my smile, and say, "Go, don't be late, and I'll see you tomorrow okay?"

I see her nod, see her turn to her class, and feel my smile seeing her walkway, and see her look down at her backpack, hearing her taking that plastic bag out of her backpack.

I exhale, turn around, and feel my smile go away, seeing him standing by the door.

And I feel my eyebrow rise seeing her come out of class, grab his hand, and pull on it I think.

Do it Jazmine, do it.

And I run in behind her, hearing him say my name I think, say hi to Ms. Reed, hearing her laugh, and sit down in my chair.

I exhale, start taking out my notebook, and feel that vibration. I take my phone out of my pocket, read the text, laughing, and reply.

Me: Thanks Adie. I'm not that fast but I didn't want to deal with people out there. We need to hang out soon, maybe the mall or another double date whenever.

I press send, put my phone in my backpack, hear those heels, look up at her making me smile, see her smile at me, and say, "Yes Ms. Reed?"

I see her exhale, see her purse her lips, and she says, "First, Margaret did inform me what days she will let you out early so you can come help me, and second, since it has not happened since before the break, I wanted to forewarn of a possible activity based on chance."

Forewarn sounds like warning. Possible activity. Group activity. Chance. Oh Black Jesus.

I exhale, see her cringe I think, and I can't help and start laughing.

I hear her laugh and hear her say, "I knew you would react like that but if for any reason you choose to not participate or want a change to the outcome of chance, please inform me."

I nod and say, "Yes Ms. Reed."

I see her smile with her nod, see her walking back to the board, and see him walking in with a red, looking kind of angry, Michelle. I guess they didn't leave to go do things before class. Darn it.

I look back down at my notebook, start writing the date, copying the agenda on the board, and hear him say my name.

I exhale and hear him say, "Jazmine, I didn't give yours out, you know I won't do shit like that."

I inhale, writing down the agenda, seeing the terms we're going to go over today, and hear him say, "But I ain't taking what happened at the fair back. Been wanting to do that."

I exhale, writing down questions about those terms on my paper wanting to know more, remembering that monotone voice saying we always need to know more, and say, "Thanks Cairo. Thanks for telling me you didn't give out my phone number, which I don't believe, but you were okay giving out Lena's, my friend's phone number, thank you for giving her Phil's, Phil who's been my friend since I was ten, Phil's phone back after a whole week of having it where he had to get another phone already, and thanks, thank you, for telling me you don't feel bad, even a little, enough to apologize, for trying to do that to me when I didn't, don't, want that, you're not my friend, and I have a boyfriend I love."

I hear him inhale, writing down another question I have on one of the terms, and hear him say, "You sixteen Jazmine, you ain't love no one like that."

Oh Black Jesus. I can't. I can't with him.

I look up, see him looking at me, feeling my eyebrow rise at that haircut I didn't notice, something between a fade and a small afro, blink, remembering what he just said, what I can't do, that I can't love anyone like that, that he can tell me what to do, all those times he's said it, all those times I've heard him say that to me, and say, "And you can? You can love someone like that? You can and I can't? You can do something I can't? Why? Why can you and why can't I? Why? Are you that more mature than me that you can but I can't? Are you so much older than me that you know how to but I don't? Have you been through so much more than me that you just know so much more than me about that? Tell me Cairo, since you feel like talking today, tell me about all of that, that you just know so much about that because you're so mature, know so much more than me, so much more than me that you can just do whatever you want, show up on time to class whenever you want, talk to people when you feel like it, be nice to people when you feel like it, be a jerk when you feel like it, and can just do anything you want with no rules, no way of getting in trouble because the only reason nothing happened after that was because I didn't tell my mom, me, because I didn't want to and because I didn't want to stress her out with that too, and because nothing happened and because I didn't want anyone that works at the shelter getting in trouble and Tamera and Tia being sad about anyone getting in trouble, and because I have to follow rules, I do, not like you, where I have to follow rules like how I can't go out late at night when I want to because I'm a girl and no matter how much I train I can't go to the store by myself because it's not safe, specially because of where I live, how some people are really, really racist, know I'm part black and don't say hi to me, after living there my whole life, and I don't want to take my friends or my boyfriend out that late because they're black and what happens to guys out there at night if they're black Cairo, what happens to them? Tell me because you know so much. What happens when all they were doing was driving to the store with their immature girlfriend that wanted to go buy chocolate that late, get pulled over, do everything right, show them their permit, how the car belongs to their grandad, they have insurance and all that stuff the car needs to have, no one reported that the car got stolen, no one, but still that officer tells him to get out, puts handcuffs on him just to check if the car got stolen, even though I'm there, I'm there trying to stay calm, and I know he's calm but he's tall and he's black and that's enough to show an officer he's threatening, and that officer could feel threatened, maybe so much he'll call other police officers to show up, just for one guy, one black guy, and I'm there trying to stay calm and not cry, and all I keep thinking of is, is."

I blink, see him looking at me like that, feeling it, those tears in my eyes, those dumb tears in my eyes, get up, and hear stuff as I'm walking, telling Ms. Reed I'm going to the restroom.

I walk out of class, down the hallway, keep walking, seeing the blurriness now, hearing a bell ring I think, I don't know, and get to that door.

I walk in, look around, blink, feeling the tears on my face, closing my eyes, feeling the avalanche, the stupid avalanche, remembering the new posts since Saturday, more arrests, even more after the weekend before, more arrests this weekend because of those rallies, those protests, because things aren't happening fast enough, and those men, those white men that are part of those groups they call 'patriot groups' but really they're just groups of white men that don't want change, they don't want things to get better for other people, they just want to keep people poor and in bad places with no help from the government, and a government that's scared of those groups or scared of those groups not voting for them or really are just as racist as those groups, and all I keep thinking about is another black guy, a kid, got arrested, fifteen years-old, and in downtown, and it doesn't matter that he was released the next day, he got arrested, was only fifteen, and only because he was walking home from the mall and it was late and a police officer wanted to know where he was going and he didn't tell him because he shouldn't have to, and then that police officer arrested him, called more police officers, more, and now my mom said his parents are looking into filing a wrongful arrest complaint. But what does that even matter when that kid, my age, was arrested, handcuffed, put up on that sidewalk like that, like he was doing something wrong, and then they called more police officers? What does it matter if that one officer is put on leave and can't work for a little bit when he's going to go back to work and I'm going to want stupid chocolate and he's going to take me to the store to get it and maybe to a hardware store again to get stuff he needs to fix their house, and they're going to pull him over one day and I'm going to get out of the car and tell them to let him go because he didn't do anything wrong, and that police office's going to tell me to get back in the car, and I'm going to call my mom to tell her what's happening, and the officer's going to tell me to get off the phone, and he's going to try to grab me and Huey's going to try to defend me, and that police officer will take out his gun, and, and…." I can't breathe, I can't breathe, I can't, and I'm falling.


I hear her ask me if I'm okay.

I feel my small smile, nod, and say, "I am. Thank you for asking. I really am but it's because I have really good friends."

I feel that head on my shoulder, feel my smile now, and hear her say, "Good, but if you still don't feel good after school, you should pray."

I nod and say, "I will. Thank you. I started doing that months ago and it always helps me feel better."

I see that word, underline it, going to the next page, and hear her say, "You should also come to church, to be around good people that are there to learn about the bible."

I feel my smile, nod, and say, "I'll try to go soon, maybe on a Sunday, because I do think I need it."

I hear her say, "Good. I sit with my parents, if you see me, but I know Adah sits in the front."

I nod, feeling that head get heavier on my shoulder, happy Adah said they're friends now, and hear that voice say, "You inviting her to the club too Lisa?"

I exhale, focusing on those two words in our notes, underlining that one, and hear Lisa say, "I wasn't talking to you Michelle and you should only talk to people that are talking to you, since it's not a sin but rude to interrupt people, but yes, if Jazmine wants to come to the club she should since it's about Christians trying to teach other Christians and people that want to learn about the bible to be good Christians and you can't learn to be a good Christian if you're not there at our club listening and reading the bible, listening to every word, and then not going to church or showing up late because you think it's okay, because not going to church and saying you're a Christian is a sin."

I feel my mouth open, feel that head moving, I think trying to not laugh out loud, and I look up. And I see Michelle look at Lisa with that look, see her open her mouth, and hear Lisa say, "And I am not afraid of you Michelle because god is not afraid of sinners and we need to follow his teachings so anything you tell me I will tell my parents and the pastor on Sunday in my confession like I do every Sunday like a good Christian is supposed to."

I close my eyes, laughing, hearing Adah laughing with me, and hear Michelle telling me to shut up.

I exhale, snickering, hearing her, not caring, and hear Lisa say, "Jazmine you should come to the club too."

I look up, see that long dark blonde braid, those thick eyebrows, how she doesn't need makeup to be pretty at all, those dark black eyes looking at her notebook, and say, "Thanks Lisa, Adah invited me too, and I thought about it but I like spending my lunch with my friends because I don't have any classes with them, but I'll think about it. And right now Huey's reading a book on the history of another religion and I did think about maybe reading a little about Christianity, I don't know, maybe starting to read the bible myself, but I'll remember that the club is there and now four people there have invited me so I'll definitely show up if I can."

I see her small smile looking at the paper, feeling my smile, and hear Adah say, "Are you sure you don't want the position to be my assistant Lisa?"

I see Lisa smile at her paper, shaking her head, I think blushing, and I start laughing, feeling her hug me, like I felt her hug me when I was falling, falling from standing in front of the door, feeling someone push that restroom door behind me, and falling, falling, feeling her hug me, letting me cry, telling her, and hearing her tell me how that's not going to happen, and I need to have hope things get better, they do get better, remembering her telling me how many people died in her family, in those camps, those horrible ugly camps, little kids, and crying more, feeling her hugging me, crying with me, and I kiss that brown hair, saying thank you and I'm sorry I didn't talk to her before this year.

I feel her hug me tighter, feel her put her head back on my shoulder, and hear her say, "Love you too Jazzy."

I smile, sniffling, and look back down at my notes, trying to find where I wrote the words 'race' and 'ethnicity' in my notes so we can compare our notes after we're all done looking through them, and hear Lisa say, "Jazmine, um, can I ask you a question?"

I look up, see Lisa looking at her paper, underlining that word, and say, "Of course."

I see her nod, looking kind of serious at her paper, and hear her say quieter, "Do you get scared a lot about that, you know, that happening to someone you care about, your friends or your boyfriend?"

I inhale, feeling Adah massaging my arm, see Lisa look up at me, remembering when Adah and I came back from the restroom the class getting quiet, smiling at Ms. Reed, seeing her exhale I think worried, and walking over to my desk, knowing I said some of those things to Cairo loud enough people probably heard.

I see those dark black eyes looking at me, worried I think, feel my small smile, nod, and say, "I do, specially because now I get to know the other stuff, not just that it happens, but that we can only do so much, file so many complaints, what kinds, something my mom is starting to talk to us about now that we're older and I guess can understand these things, and specially because of who our friends and boyfriends are, and she tells us there are lots of ways to fight it but it is hard, specially when it happens and people panic, don't know what to do, make it worse sometimes not getting a lawyer right away or trying to do it themselves or not wanting to work with their public defender because they think they won't help, even if some public defenders sometimes really don't help at least they can tell them about the process, how the legal system works, something I still don't know enough about, and just seeing her worry, knowing I know she wants to go back to work as a public defender but it doesn't pay good money and she needs to take care of me and my sister and where she works right she can do that, because the people that hire the attorneys in her office usually have a little bit of money I think, even people that just came from other countries because even those people have family that will help them pay for a good attorney, but my mom worries, she worries about those people that don't have a lot of money, have to get a public defender, or won't work with their public defender because they think they won't help, and then they end up going to jail longer or get worse sentences because they didn't know they could've asked for something better, maybe could've gotten a good attorney to help get them into a program and that case not go on their record, I don't know, it's a lot. But I do worry about all of that sometimes too and I do worry about my friends who would be able to get a good attorney, my mom would defend all of them, but then I think what can we do about that after my friends or my little brother or my boyfriend get," and I stop.

I exhale, trying to not think about that, that happening, and all this stuff I think about sometimes, not just scary things like him when he used to live in our house, not just dumb high school things, jerks and creepy guys, or really dumb girls, but these things I'm looking at on those platforms, not knowing how Huey does it, how he doesn't think about that happening to him, and I inhale.

And I see Lisa's small smile, feeling Adah hugging me, see Lisa nod, and she says, "Thank you, I just wanted to ask because I've never thought about that stuff, not until," and I see her stop.

I sniffle, nod, see her blush I think, making me confused, and she says, "Not until I started going to the club, met some people there, some good Christians there that follow all the rules, just can't go to our church class on Saturday, but go to our church on Sunday, just sit in the back and that's why we've never seen them, and on Saturdays they stay at home with their family reading the bible, listening to gospel music, because their grandma wants them at home with them, their grandma who's older and is a good Christian, and now," and I see her stop, and see her look down at her paper, I think reading her notes.

I feel my eyebrow rise and say, "Lisa, are you," and hear her say, even quieter, "And now that you met him, you've started thinking about these things, if he's ever gone through that, if he's scared that he's going to go through that one day, and you've started to pray that he never does because he's really nice and he's a really good Christian and what if he ever goes through that, and god," and I see her inhale, blinking, with watery eyes.

I move up, grabbing her hand, see her exhale, see her blink, and say, "Lisa look at me."

I see her inhale, see her look up at me, see those watery eyes, feel my small smile, and say, "Then you pray, you pray a lot, every night, even when you're tired and you've prayed for everything else and you want to lay down, you don't, instead you close your eyes again, and pray, pray to Black Jesus or any Jesus you believe in that that doesn't happen and that if it does you stay calm because that's what they need, they need you to stay calm, and have hope, because things are going to get better, and he says he doesn't know what the world is supposed to be like, that maybe we're too young to know, but it can't be this, and I pray that he's right and I know Black Jesus listens because he always does and because he loves me and he loves you and your friend and my friends and my family and everyone I love, and in the morning you wake up and you don't let that fear stop you from loving anyone, black, brown, white people, anything in between, you don't let that fear stop you from loving them as a friend or as anything more, and keep showing up to that club to talk to them about how to be a better Christian, how to have hope, and talking to Adah who hasn't stopped smiling since you started showing up there."

I see her smile, see her nod and sniffle, and hear that voice say, "Lisa, here."

I look over, see those chocolate brown eyes, that smile, feeling my smile, and hear Lisa thank Mackenzie for the handkerchief.

I exhale, seeing Mackenzie turn back to her group, missing her, remembering we're in class and we'll hang out soon, and look down at my notes.

I underlining that word, one of those two words that means so much in this world, and hear Adah say, "And remember Lisa, no matter what, at least my parents say, no matter what, god never gives us anything he won't help us through."

I nod, finding that word, underlining it, and hear that voice say, "So, first our church, then the pastor's son, then our club, and now people that go to our church, what else are you gonna take from us Adah?"

I inhale, look up, see her squint her greenish brown eyes at me, hoping I slap her soon, really soon, and hear that voice say, "I think I should help you Adah, that's what god wants me to do, I just know it, and tonight I'll pray for you Michelle."

I see Michelle inhale, see those eyes looking at me, and she says, "I don't need you or anyone to pray for me Lisa."

I exhale, seeing her looking at me like that, not caring anymore why she blames me for anything, and feel something soft touch my hand. And I look down at that hand holding the handkerchief and hear Lisa say, "Jazmine."

I look up at her, see her small smile, feeling my smile coming back, and she says, "I also want to apologize for saying those things to you last time because I should not be judging other people, just praying for them, and since I started doing that more I don't feel jealous anymore, and I feel closer to god and I want that, so I want to apologize for judging you because even though you don't always go to our church or do a lot of things good Christians are supposed to do, you are a good person, your friends too who I know don't talk about other people, are always nice to me, and only get in trouble when people do things to them and you're really nice, and."

I know my mouth is open and I should probably close it, seeing Lisa get really red, see her look down at the table, I think embarrassed, and hear her say, "And I wanted to know if it's okay with you if I can borrow it after Joanna and I promise to get it back to you in two weeks."

I blink, feeling that squeeze on my arm from Adah I think, processing what Lisa just said, and say, "Lisa, yes, you can borrow it until the end of the year. I have it saved on my T.V., my laptop, downloaded onto every computer I ever got, can watch it on my phone through an app I have, and I have it in three different languages with subtitles. Yes you can borrow it and don't worry about when you give it back okay?"

I see Lisa look up at me with that big smile and blush, see her nod, and hear a voice from Mackenzie's group say, "I'll get through it this weekend when my girlfriend is over and I'll give it to you on Monday. Cool?"

I see Lisa inhale, I think embarrassed other people heard her, see her dimples come out with her smile, and hear her say, "Yes, thank you Joanna."

I start laughing, hearing Adah, Mackenzie, and Lisa all laughing, and hear that voice say, "And now you're okay with those people. I wonder what your parents would say."

I inhale, let go of my pen, and hear Lisa say, "I don't hide things from my parents Michelle so tell them, tell them everything, and I'm sure they'll ask you why other people, those people, were at church this last Sunday and you weren't, and after you tell them why you weren't there please also tell the pastor everything you told my parents because everything you say today I'm going to tell him on Sunday and I want to make sure I don't forget to tell him anything, even when people swear or sin in front of me or when they leave to the restroom at the same time that other guys in class leave to the restroom, like you do every time with a guy in this class, but I'm not here to judge you Michelle, I just ask you to remember everything you saw and heard today and everything you do when you're talking to them and the pastor."

And I feel my smirk, seeing that look on Michelle's face, that look that Ashley had from across the cafeteria when there was no one to stop us from fighting, as Michelle's looking at Lisa, and I can't help it and start laughing, again.

Oh Black Jesus. And I think I hear most of the class laughing, hear a chair move, footsteps walking away, open my eyes, and see that red hair and then the door slam behind her.

I look over at Ms. Reed, see her exhale, stand up, and walk over to the door, hearing her say Michelle's name before walking out and closing the door behind her. Again.

I exhale, wondering when Michelle got like this and why she got like this, and then hear that chair move.

I look over at that chair, see him, and inhale. I look down, looking for one of those words in my notes, and hear him say, "Jazmine, look just let me explain shit, let me, and then," and I hear a voice say, "This is your fault."

I look up, see Lisa looking at her paper, and hear Cairo say, "What you say?"

I inhale, look at him, and say, "Cairo, do not talk to my friends like," and hear Lisa say, "It's okay Jazmine."

I look over at Lisa, see her look up at Cairo, see her exhale, and she says, "I'm only saying the truth so it doesn't matter what you or people say and I know I've been mean to, asked for forgiveness, and I've sinned too when I didn't tell the pastor or my parents until last week, until I prayed every night asking for what I should do and then I knew I needed to tell them that I had been jealous of people, and they told me I wasn't bad, just confused, and then told me what I had to do, and I listened, but you don't listen, and that's why you keep sinning, and then you make other people sin too, people that go to church, but I also know the pastor says we are not responsible for anyone else sinning so I shouldn't blame you for those people doing those things but I'm still learning and they told me it's okay if I get confused so even if I'm confused about it I do want to blame you because she was never nice but she wasn't like this either, all the girls you sin with, they weren't nice to people at school or in church but they weren't how they are now and the only people that stay being nice, forgiving others when others aren't nice to them, are the people that don't keep sinning with you, the people that stay away from you, even if they do things I still don't understand and the pastor says that's for god to judge and not us, they are still nice, show up to church and talk to me now even if I was jealous and mean to them, and let me borrow stuff other people let them borrow, but those people got away from you, only did things with you one time and then got away from you, and they are still nice people, but the people that keep sinning with you just get meaner and even if I am young and still learning and I will pray again today I want to say it's because of you, it's your fault they're like that, and you need to pray, ask for forgiveness from god, and stop making people be mean and sinful, and you can't say you don't know this because you and your friend were at church on the eve our lord was born, I remember, and you never showed up again, and made it so other people that were already showing up late would not show up at all, so it's your fault, how they are and that they keep sinning, and the nice people you keep bothering are not going to sin with you because they were never mean people anyways, something I think people that do keep sinning with you were before they even met you, and if you don't leave I will tell Ms. Reed you're bothering this group."

Oh my Black Jesus.

I blink, hearing that inhale, look over at him, see him open his mouth, and say, "Cairo."

I see him look at me, see those lowered eyebrows rise, those brown eyes, that fade, that small afro, remembering all of a sudden those thoughts, my boyfriend, how my boyfriend is black, the best guy I know, this was his friend when they were little, they are both black, they are, those things can happen to both of them, and Cairo's probably, I know he has, gone through dealing with horrible racist people too, police officers that were probably racist and horrible people, and they were friends, I know they were, a long time ago, maybe even best friends like he said before he left to Chicago that first time, if even for a few weeks, months, years, when they were little, they must've been best friends, and Cairo helped him, and say, "Have some character Cairo, please, and go."

I see him exhale, hearing that door open, realizing just how quiet the class has been for a while now, how much more quiet it got right now, seeing him blink, and hear Ms. Reed's voice telling Cairo to go back to his group.

I see him mouth it, not hearing it but knowing what he said, that thing I think I heard him say several times before I actually heard it, that he loves me, and exhale, trying to not say anything because I'm not giving him anymore of my energy.

And I turn back to look at my notes, hear the chair move, hearing the moving of people, and remember how she defended so many people right now, even the girl that I can hear talking to Ms. Reed about not walking out of class like that again.

I look up at Lisa, see her looking at her paper underlining that word, and say, "Thank you Lisa."

I see her blush looking at her paper, see her nod, hearing those footsteps, and hear Adah say, "Jazzy can I copy that badge thing your friends and you are doing for your organizations so I can make one for my assistant?"

I feel my smile, hear Michelle sit down, and hear her say, "I don't care what you tell the pastor, you're still a traitor and you know it."

I exhale, trying to relax, and hear Lisa say, "We could make badges for everyone that helps Adah."

I feel my smirk, look down at my notes, underline that word, and hear Ms. Reed day, "Okay everyone, I'm glad to see some of you have gotten far going through your notes, now I want you all to stop, continue looking for those words throughout your notes on your own, and right now begin comparing where you found those words with your groupmates because this is where we will see if those words are truly a thread in each topic, if they construct, shift, change, how people live, discussing this for the next few weeks, at which point we will bring it back to the market economy where we will also focus predominantly on this thread and whether the market economy groups and separates groups of people who would normally not converge, finishing with our country's growing economic inequality, a subject matter normally discussed in college courses, and so."

I see Ms. Reed exhale, knowing my mouth is open and I should close it, again, but all I keep thinking about is that she just said we're learning something they teach us in college, blink, see her exhale with pursed lips, and she says, "And so because of the nature of this topic, the country's growing economic inequality, how controversial it actually is, how some people do not actually believe it exist and even argue against it, I will be asking for your parents' consent to have you be in class for that portion of the lesson, and if they choose to not have you in class know it will not affect your grade as I will be giving those students that cannot be in class final exams covering everything else from this semester only. Now, the form I will give you today will have a general explanation of the topic. Also, and possibly more important than that, for anyone that has ever forged their parent's signature I will have you know I will be going through your emergency cards and checking your parent's signatures with the one on the form you submit, so please do not forge their signature, and if you truly do not want to be part of that portion of the lesson then you simply do not have to submit the form with no further explanation to me or anyone else. But again for the rest of the class today please compare where you found those words with your groupmates and we will reconvene in ten minutes."

I feel my smile seeing Ms. Reed walking to her desk, thinking about my mom for some weird reason, when she walks over to her desk in her bedroom or her office but now with that cute haircut I gave her over Spring Break, how it moves over her shoulders, how much I wanted that hair once, that straight blonde, shiny hair, how smart she is, how she's always told me how smart I am, how she's always said that to my sister too, how special my mom is, even that first day my sister came over to hang out how my mom said she wanted her there every day, how much I know my sister and me want to be like her one day, how much we love her, and hear her say, "I think we should start with you Adah because I know you take a lot of notes, if that's okay."

I feel my smile, look down at my notes, hearing that exhale from Michelle, turning to the first notes I wrote last semester, and hear Adah say, "Okay but maybe we should go through a different person's notes for each week and that way we can all learn from each other and I don't know, maybe, if we finish early, we can talk more about those badges."

I hear Michelle inhale, not paying attention to her, just happy I'm not hearing her say anything, and hear Adah start, "Okay so for the first lecture I found…"


I see those eyes looking at the screen and say, "Jazmine."

I see those eyes focus, see her look at me, and exhale possibly longer, not having felt that shiver going down my spine, possibly because she's not angry like she was last weekend, at this time, in my room, right before we, and I hear that vibration and look down at that phone.

I inhale, seeing it. Shit. Fuck.

I put down those cups on the nightstand, grab that damn pink phone, seeing the fucken message clearly, again, the same fucken message, move my thumb over that phone, and see that soft hand cover the screen.

I inhale, look up, and see the face come up, feeling that peck. I exhale, closing my eyes to relax, feeling those kisses persists around my damn lips, and hear that voice say, "Bestie, please, please, just let it go. It's the weekend, that's why they're sending those texts, I'm not even reading them, and I'm going to put my text messaging on silent and I'm only going to hear calls and texts from my favorites okay, because I'm here to spend time with you."

And I feel that kiss on my nose, feeling that soft hand taking that phone away, hearing her put that phone back down on the nightstand, and I let her.

I hear that voice thank me, that unrealistic optimism, and hear that news report. I open my eyes and see that face turn away from me. I see those eyes looking at the screen again and hear that report on abductions.

I look over at that screen, watching that report, the trafficking of not only drugs and weapons but people. And I inhale, hearing the report on a ring of buyers and sellers in the market for ages between four and ten, feeling that warm hand grab my hand, and pull me.

I feel those covers under me, watching it, feeling those soft fingers going through my own, watching the reality of what they go through, including in this country, where in this country if they're blue eyed and blonde they're targeted by other countries and if they're black they're left in destitute to live with that knife in their back, the one of never being too outspoken or strong, or living under that glass ceiling reminding them of how far they will go, and I inhale, focusing on the increased numbers, the statistics, a report going over girls between the ages of four and ten in another country, a third world country, a term used by first world countries to remind third world countries that they are third world countries. And it's in those third world countries where U.S. neoliberalism led to privatization, then to corruption in those governments by imbeciles in power that wanted to get closer to U.S. capital, moved money, funds, into those industries the U.S. would profit from, getting a cut of that profit themselves, instead of investing the money in their country's infrastructure, social departments necessary for the large population of poor, such as child protection services, the ones that monitor, investigate, and stop the abduction of young girls, children, black and brown girls, between the ages of four and ten.

I exhale, bringing her into me, remembering the last report I read that had to do with this problem, wanting to know if that organization was still one of the few that actually showed results in this fight, actually made a difference in it, where the founder did not run off with the donations later being tracked down to an island in a luxury hotel, and those parents waiting for news of their abducted child, their five year-old daughter, who that organization was supposed to help retrieve from her abductors, not spending the money on a luxury hotel with prostitutes. Organizations run by selfish idiots that do not see pass their self-centered basic needs and care nothing about other people or their job or the fact that that country is run by corrupted imbeciles. But, there are some organizations that do possibly help in fighting that battle and have shown some results.

I exhale, looking at that website behind the video with the news report, feeling my eyebrow rise, not knowing this one specifically, and ask, "How did you find this one?"

I feel that body move into me, letting me hug her, and hear that voice say, "Since that day, you know, when I kind of got a little emotional and you told me all we could do is be informed I've been looking up places, organizations, people that say they help. I even looked at the website you were looking at the day after during lunch and saw that it's a really good organization and a lot of families have said they really helped, a lot of moms and dads, and."

I feel that inhale from her, moving my leg over, bringing her in between my legs, and put my chin on that shoulder, feeling that soft sweater she's using today, putting my hands under that sweater on that soft shirt, feeling her exhale.

I continue reading through that website, seeing the numbers, the fact that they're low but that possibly shows they're not exaggerating their success rate or lying, and hear that voice say, "And their little girls. I even read letters little girls sent to that organization saying how much they helped them, and then I started looking up more letters, just wanting to see more letters of little girls that are rescued and brought back to their families and just how happy and grateful they are, a lot of them in other languages I had to look up, and then talking to Mimi and Caes last weekend just made me think about what happens to those little girls when they get back home and their parents spent so much money trying to get them back, going from their house to the offices of those organizations, taking their daughter's and sometimes their son's pictures so those organizations and their people, their activists, can look for them and find them, and just how much money that probably cost their parents, parents that sometimes didn't have a lot of money but those are their babies and they were gonna spend all their money to find their babies if they had to, and I just started thinking about what happens when they get home and there isn't a lot of money left to take care of those little kids, maybe only so much for food and clothes for them, and thinking about all of this, Mimi and Caes and all of us talking about those tutoring programs in Chicago, I started looking for that in these organizations, if they help after that, you know, not just in getting those little kids back to their parents but afterwards, in maybe school programs and anything that little kid needs to grow and be happy, and I found this organization that does. I read how they don't just stop when they bring that little kid back to their parents but they have programs, counseling, school programs where little kids can do art and sing so they can get better after being stolen, put in brothels by horrible evil people, and they need to be little kids again, remember they're little kids, and this organization helps them with those programs, art programs, counseling, and even schools for older kids to get training to work later, and it's a really good organization and it kind of reminded me of the name of your organization, so."

I exhale, possibly squeezing her too tightly, reading the name of that organization again, Operation Underground Railroad, realizing I am an idiot and she's always been special, even when I was making her cry, because she's always been this unrealistic, and hear her say, "So I donated a little bit and I'm going to try to donate to them every month, at least until I can do more I hope."

I inhale, moving my hand up to grab that chin, turning it to me, and see those eyes with that water. I kiss that face, and ask, possibly wanting to hear her talk more, "And where did you get the money to donate if you do not work Jazmine?"

I smell that breath, kissing those lips, that chin, possibly hearing vibrating from a phone on a nightstand, vibrating I do not care about right now, seeing those closed eyes, and hear her say, "It wasn't a lot bestie, just the money grandma sent for my birthday because I already have enough to buy my sister her," and I bite that lip, feeling her turn, letting me kiss her, and feel those long legs go over me, closing my eyes.

I exhale, feeling those legs possibly trying to hug my waist, possibly because she knows I like her in this position, because I can grab that ass, and hear her moan into my mouth.

I start moving over that center enough, hearing that inhale, wanting to hear more of whatever that Jazmine head wants to talk about tonight, emails to public defenders, protests, rallies, how and why they work, her interests in them, moving brothers from institutions to ones that are closer to family, and the slavery of children, black and brown children, because that's what it is when a human being that cannot fight back and weighs a quarter of what a grown man weighs is abducted, drugged, imprisoned, and told to forget their past life because they now serve that person, will be forced into life threatening employment in mines, caves, factories falling apart, and if lucky, because they fall into what a sick twisted human being finds attractive, will be placed into a brothel with no chance of escape no matter how much those parents and organizations look for them because the only way to stop it, all of it, is at the point of transfer, before they're placed into those underground brothels or those hotels, where that child disappears and if they continue to have some luck will live to be an adult who doesn't know when and where they were born, because those are the statistics. And I hear that Jazmine head, that unrealistic optimism in this world, in people that mean nothing and deserve to be thrown off of a cliff, tell me I'm not selfish at all and she's sorry for biting my head off at her lemonade stand.

I grab that laptop, hearing commercials I do not care about, moving it over, grab that back, sitting up, and move her back, onto those numerous covers, kissing that neck.

I start moving over that warm center, trying to remember why we're on these numerous soft covers and not on my plain cotton covers that keep warmth in well enough, feeling myself hard enough already, hearing her say she loves me, covering that mouth, tasting that tongue, tasting that cut up fruit she had us eat tonight, melon, explaining to her what fruit is best to eat during the summer, hearing her say in the middle of cutting up that fruit that she's looking forward to eating mango at the end of summer, wanting to be inside of her, that warmth that believes there's some good in this world, has hope for it, and is possibly making me believe that because falling in love has made it so I've lost some of my logic, knowing the statistics, moving those soft underwear, knowing the sick twisted truth not only about that family but the rest of the world, and hear myself tell her I love her, feeling those lips with my dick, those warm folds, thinking about god or Allah or all of those gods, hear that inhale, thinking about those folds, and inhale.

I open my eyes to see those wide greens, that Egyptian green, moving out, away, away from those warm folds, feeling my precum. Fuck. Shit. No condom. Fuck. Almost.

I see her exhale, see those eyes blink, know I have to calm down now, right now, knowing we do not have condoms in this room, my wallet's at home, and feel that thumb over me, seeing her lick that full bottom lip, letting that precum come out, seeing her bite that lip, and hear her say it's been a good week, after Monday in Ms. Reed's class no one's bothered her, everyone's happy this week, and that's why she wants me to come in her mouth tonight.

I go back down to those lips, feeling that hand going down my dick, bringing my hand down, down to those loose shorts that weren't showing me enough of her body, down to those underwear again, moving them again, and feel those folds, how wet she is, feeling my eyes in the back of my head, knowing we were that close with no condom, putting one of my fingers in, shaking, trying to not think about it because I want to feel her come first, and hear that voice in my ear say, "Huey, there's condoms in my top drawer."

I inhale, open my eyes to see those eyes surrounded by the crown, that afro she calls a crown and I childishly think is a halo, exhale, trying to relax, wanting to keep her here, possibly under me, for the rest of the weekend, and ask, "And why do you have condoms in your top drawer Jazmine?"

I see that smile, trying to remember where the conversation was five minutes ago, and she says, "Because we've talked about this Huey, it's not just your responsibility, it's mine too to remind us to be safe, and to have condoms here, and I ordered some last week, you know."

I see that mouth stop, look up at those eyes, see that flush appear over those freckles, feeling my smirk for whatever damn reason, see her exhale with that smile, and she says, "You know, the right size because you told me you need the ones that won't be too tight at your base because you're."

And I see that red cover that entire face possibly, feeling my damn smile now, see her exhale, possibly see those eyes water, and she says, "Because you're big at your base and need the right size and if you don't get the right size it'll hurt you, so I got the right size, the one you got for us, but I also got different ones, ones that are."

I see her stop, see those eyes blink, inhale, seeing that Egyptian green focus, trying to not let any more of my precum come out, and she says, "Thinner because I wanted to feel more of you."

I taste that tongue, covering that body, feeling that damn sweater, remembering she thinks I'm a good person, possibly is right about that and I can ask for things today, and say, "I want you to put that condom on me while I make you come on my hand."

I bite that neck, hearing her moan, possibly not as loud as I want her to because we're in her mother's house because as I remember now she wanted to let my brother and her sister have our house tonight since Grandad is at Ms. Lola's tonight, as I'm marking that neck, hearing her moan my name, not enough, and hear that voice say, "I asked first Huey and I want you to come in my mouth first and then I'll come on your hand and put that condom on you and I want you to listen."

I hug that body, inhaling that optimism, that hope, that halo, a particularly Christian term, knowing I still do not completely believe in one or any other religion but am open to some more than others, knowing I'm breathing in that halo, and say, "Yes but I want you to remember it's only because it's you."

I feel that inhale, feeling myself moving between that warmth again with that hand squeezing me in that way I like, and hear that voice say, "I know."

And I start moving faster wanting to come on that stomach first and then she can put me in her mouth because no matter what that Jazmine head thinks I am selfish, at least when it comes to her.


I see her laugh, exhale, trying to relax for the fourteenth time in the last fifteen minutes remembering she needs this, and I'm selfish in many ways when it comes to her because I didn't want to give this to her, specifically after those messages did not stop again until this morning, but she needs this, time with her sister and friends, and she always wins, every time, and I always give in.

I hear him ask me if anything's changed with that case, possibly helping me focus on something else other than her and her friends standing in the middle of this room with all these hormonal teenagers, thinking about changing her phone number even if she doesn't want me to.

I exhale, focusing on the question at hand instead of calling my connection to the wireless carrier her family uses, shake my head, and say, "Other than the date having been pushed further out, not one thing."

I hear them exhale and hear him say, "You think I can meet 'em?"

I feel my eyebrow rise, look down at Caesar, knowing she's closer than usual because of the circumstances, messages, and idiots I still want to beat today, see him looking at that line, and say, "You'll have to submit the application and it'll take two weeks to process."

I see Caesar nod and hear my brother say, "I'ma go too."

I look over at my brother, see him looking at his notebook again, feeling my other eyebrow rise, and ask, "That's fine but you generally don't ask to go, why this time?"

I see him nod, see him mark that page, noting the changes he's making to his plays, and hear him say, "Just wanna check if that fool's alright."

I exhale, possibly feeling some sort of pride that he still has that friendship, and hear Hiro say, "The fuck you keep gettin' more mature Riley. Happen to your punk ass from last year when your ass couldn't be bothered to fucken pick up your phone?"

I look over at Hiro, see him looking at my brother, hearing the snickering from Caesar, seeing that possible anger or hurt look on Hiro, hear my brother exhale, and hear him say, "The fuck Hiro, I ain't no more mature than last year and you knows back then I was still doing some shit on the side, couldn't be bothered, and I called your ass back after I came to wherever the fuck I was so don't be getting all fucken hurt like that fool that I ain't write to for years until last month and other people I kept waiting too, and I said I was fucken sorry a'ight so stop being a little bitch."

I look over at my brother, hearing Hiro exhale, hearing Caesar's snickering turning into that cackling, hearing Hiro curse at Caesar, and see my brother shake his head looking at that notebook.

I hear Hiro tell Caesar it isn't that funny, hearing the cackling, possibly my brother snickering, and hear Caesar say, "Bro that shit is funny cuz no matter what your ass was doing night before you'd still show up at my house all fucken pissed saying Riley ain't pick up and next time you saw him you were gonna kick his ass and all cuz you were fucken butt hurt."

And I feel it, their damn idiotism that makes me question how they're my friends, hearing the cursing, the cackling that belongs to my idiot brother, the one that belongs to my best friend, hearing Hiro call us all idiots, feeling it, possibly me laughing at their stupidity of not being able to say they were best friends even back then.

And I hear Hiro call me.

I look up, feeling that laughing dying as I stand up, start walking to them, not fast enough, see those smooth shoulders as I get to her, grab that hand, and pull it, feeling her walking with me.

I hear that exhale, hear her tell her friends it's okay and she doesn't care, and I look back at that fucken idiot by the door, the one that's been hiding, I have yet to see take out his cellphone, but I see that look of hate from here, feeling my smirk, knowing he must've woken up to his computers, and only his computers since I'm sure his family is aware enough now to keep their computers away from that psychotic piece of shit, having been wiped clean, with no data. I didn't bother to see if he had any pictures but I didn't care. It was a warning and one I plan to do every six months until we leave this institution.

And I see him look at those shoulders, talking to that fucken idiot, that racist piece of shit counselor, who's also looking in this direction, knowing where he's looking, and I pull her in, and hear her sit down.

I look up at them. Fuck. All of them. They're all back. Shit. All of them. Strategizing, planning, and I feel that hand, that small nail, scratching the inside of my hand.

I exhale, looking over at her, see that light green shirt she's using today, that stone shinning, the fact that those breasts are covered by that shirt, how possibly beautiful she will always be and see her mouth, 'Sit bestie so I can touch you.'

I feel my smirk, feeling some relief she'll be next to me for the next twenty minutes, and sit down, feeling that hand on my jeans.

I grab that apple, knowing I need to focus on trivial things like fruit, and hear my brother say, "Now you'll back, we need to make sure 'bout shit."

I look over at him, feel my eyebrow rise seeing my brother's arm over Cindy's shoulders knowing we've all possibly been more of what idiot teenagers call 'affectionate' as of late, exhale, strategizing, and say, "Everything's fine right now, once your practice ends we'll talk to Leo again and," and he cuts me off with, "Ain't talkin' 'bout that McHater, I mean in few weeks, shit we gotta do."

I exhale, nod, strategizing, planning, knowing I've already asked for that day off, and hear Hiro say, "You'll ain't gotta worry 'bout that shit."

I look over at him, see him using his girlfriend's folder to draw musical notes, feeling my eyebrow rise, trying to understand what the hell he's saying or better yet what he did, and hear Caesar say, "What you do bro?"

I inhale trying to figure out if I need to call my connections regarding a new legal case since we cannot possibly continue going under the radar with the ways we have to beat imbeciles day in and day out, see Hiro exhale shaking his head, and he says, "Didn't do shit this time but you'll forgetting Ms. S be showing that day and they ain't doing shit when they see her cuz she'll kill 'em and leave no blood."

I exhale, hearing the laughing, knowing that's a good point, but still I cannot just leave it up to, and feel that kiss on my cheek, hearing her whisper into my ear again, "Eat bestie and stop worrying."

I exhale, trying to relax because first, she still doesn't know what her whispering into my ear does to me, and second, they've all been hanging around that Jazmine head for too long, laughing at something like this, like the same fucken idiots that were there last time won't be there again because they will be, and it was my fault that she went through that because I wasn't fast enough if for even a damn second, it was my fault, feeling that hand on my stomach under my shirt, and I look over at those buns and that smooth shoulder. And I feel her making those letters on my skin, the ones I use in order to think of influential black leaders in an alphabetical order, and hear her say she wants us all to have fun that night no matter what. I exhale at that Jazmine head that possibly doesn't think about what she went through that night because she just wants to see her friends enjoying themselves, remembering what my brother said at that ice rink.

I look up at him, see him nod at Hiro, knowing no matter what they all say, they're worried, my younger brother is worried. I see him look at me, wondering if he's thinking about how small they still are, and he says over the talking, "Before that shit they're showing me they can kill a fucker."

I exhale, hearing that inhale under me, with that hand that had started the alphabet again and stopped on 'A' for Al-Hajj Malik El-Shabazz, and say, "Fine but you're also going over shooting techniques and they're all taking weapons."

I see that idiot smirk and hear four female voices all name different weapons followed by 'right now.'

I see them all start laughing, exhale at their 'Jazmine way' of viewing this situation, feeling that bun, that bun under my chin, and look down. And I see her laughing like that, like she does when she's possibly happy, feeling both those hands under my shirt with that ring that's too warm to be a silver ring knowing it's warm because she's wearing it, possibly like that warmth she creates in my body at times, feeling that soft face over my chest, that warmth knowing she's happy, that lightness, that lightness I'm starting to understand she creates when she laughs like that, feeling myself laughing, knowing I'll kill some fucken idiot before I let that happen again, and hear her say she loves me.

I exhale, looking down at that face that's on my chest, and respond with, "I love you."

I hear something unimportant fall, possibly teenagers, and hear our friends talking about going to see him, feeling my damn smile seeing that face on my chest not moving because she might have that water in her eyes, hoping I remember to make that happen as much as I possibly can. But first, we have to get through several situations.


I exhale, writing it out, not believing it, her 'situation' back then Huey would call it, and hear her say, "Yes, we all did, much of the current faculty, and there were also less students at the time, I believe about one third of the number of students that we have today, so we all got to know each other fairly well."

I keep writing and say, "So did you and Mr. Reed like coming here or would you have wanted to go to another school because I remember you said it was catastrophic, I think that's the word you used."

I hear her laugh, making me smile, writing as clearly as I can, and hear her say, "Yes it was mildly catastrophic but only because of some classmates we had at the time and their just, their possible."

I hear her stop, look over at her, see her brown eyes looking down at her desk with her forehead scrunched up, and say, "Ms. Reed, I'm sorry did I," and she cuts me off saying, "Instability."

I feel my eyebrow rise, see her look up at me with her smile, and she says, "I apologize sweetheart, that's probably too negative of a description but I do remember he was."

I see her stop, see her exhale, looking at her desk again, I think hearing the students outside, remembering what I'm supposed to be doing, and turn back to the board.

I look back down at the paper she gave me with the agenda, look back up at the board, and keep writing, hearing the students walking outside, some students I think that are in my class talking outside, and hear Ms. Reed say, "Ron was quiet, nice even as far as I remember, then one day he stopped talking to me, I believe after Frederick started coming to this school, he simply would not look at me when I would say his name, and that was the end of our friendship."

I feel my eyes open, look back at Ms. Reed, see her looking at some papers on her desk, and say, "But Ms. Reed, why would," and I hear someone say hi to Ms. Reed.

I look over, see that student, Marvin, smile at him, see him blush I think, and see him walk to his desk not looking at me.

Okay. That was weird.

I turn back to the board, knowing Ms. Reed and I can keep talking next Tuesday or another day when I show up early again, happy Ms. Hoffman lets me leave her class early on Tuesdays and Thursdays so I can come help Ms. Reed, and really happy the times I have shown up with Lena and have seen him there by the door all he does is say hi, I say hi to not be rude, or sometimes he's there arguing with Michelle, trying to not feel bad for her because at lunch I think he's still hanging out with Ashley. But luckily, Ashley hasn't bothered us either. And I feel my eyes open seeing I wrote that on the board, again. Oh Black Jesus. And I think I hear a student laughing behind me and I grab the eraser and erase that sentence. Focus Jazmine. School, then nursing home, then home, and I know everyone's safe, for sure, holding that marker I'm using, thinking about the only thing I've felt weird about, well, the second thing, and that thing is my sister, my sister who is the most talented and prettiest and strongest girl I know and if she touches her again she's not only going to not be captain anymore, at least what's the coach said the day it happened that first week of practice, but I'll beat her. And I look at the paper, look up at the board, and keep writing, remembering my sister telling me that night how Miranda put her arm around her waist during practice, the coach saw it and called her out on it, and how I wanted to leave our house to go beat her and my sister told me to calm down and she wanted to see what would happen the next day. And the next day at lunch she told us how during her first period the coach called her in to the main office, told her he had talked to Miranda and some other girls on the team, and he told Miranda this would be her only warning and if he sees her do that again she's losing her position as team captain because the team is supposed to trust their leader and that was too close to sexual harassment and he would not allow that on the team. I exhale, feeling my smile, knowing after that, these last few weeks have been good, great, because my sister is happy, my friends are happy, my mom is happy, I get to go to the nursing home after this, and on the way there I'm going to tell him I love him, remembering when he said that in the cafeteria on Monday, four days ago, around all those students, around all those kids, knowing how Huey is, but he's so affectionate now, and he said he loved me, right before I heard that student fall, hearing them falling, hearing someone falling, and hear Ms. Reed ask Cairo if he's okay.

And I see I just wrote that on the board, what Huey said to me on Monday. Oh Black Jesus. And I erase it with my hand, hoping no one read that.

I exhale and keep writing, not daydreaming anymore, writing what's on the agenda on the board, and hear Ms. Reed say, "Thank you everyone for arriving early and please start copying the agenda because we will be covering much today."

I finish that last term, see half the board is filled with my writing, thinking that's a lot and I better start writing it down, putting the cap back on the marker, put it down on the hook under the board, and I turn around.

And I get that feeling, that feeling I'm trying to just be okay with, that feeling of someone looking at me, as I'm walking over to Ms. Reed's desk.

I finally get there, put the paper down, and hear Ms. Reed say, "Jazmine do you remember what I said last time about what your responsibility is regarding your grade?"

I look up at her, blink, remembering what she said before Spring Break, that some students get better grades when they're in group with me because they participate more but I'm only responsible for my own grade, feeling my smile, nod, see her exhale with her smile and she says, "Okay, today we will have an activity and I'm going to be lenient about the groups."

I exhale, preparing myself, feeling my small smile, and say, "Yes Ms. Reed."

I see her nod, see her smile getting up from her desk, and I start walking to the back of class, saying hi to Lisa, remembering what happened last week and how Lisa has my Cowboy Bebop Blu-ray collection, hearing Lisa say hi, say hi to Joanna seeing her smile at me, walk around the back, see Mackenzie in the middle of class, hoping I remember to text her later to see how she's doing, say hi to Johnny, see that brown hair, hug her from behind because I haven't done that all week, hearing her giggle and letting go of her, and I walk up to my desk.

I sit down, start writing down the agenda, feeling my eyebrow rise, realizing he's been on time, I think early, for class for weeks now, at least since that first day Michelle and he were late, hearing that second bell, and hear that door open.

Then I hear Ms. Reed say, "You will be marked late. Please sit down Michelle."

I keep writing what's on the board in my notebook, remembering what Ms. Reed said, preparing myself, knowing I can handle anything, and maybe they'll both be in another group.


I exhale, writing it down, and hear that bell ring.

I hear those exhales, knowing that was a lot, like a lot, and hear him thank me for writing.

I feel my smile, look up at Marvin, nod, and say, "Of course. Thank you for telling us so much about those terms."

I see him smile, not remembering a lot about him but knowing now he's nice, and he says, "Yeah, I just learned about some of those from my first middle school and they were pretty hard on us so I had to remember."

I nod, happy I have someone else in class that I can learn from, thinking that's probably why I don't remember him though, because he went to another middle school before going to ours and then we all came to this high school.

I feel her hug me, hug her back, and hear her tell me we'll talk tomorrow because she's spending time with her family today. I nod, happy she was in my group and hopefully she'll tell me about her and Gerardo tomorrow. I feel Mackenzie let go of me, see her walk away, and I see that brown hair as she's waiving at me being pulled out of class by Johnny making me laugh, happy she said we'll talk later since Mackenzie wanted to be in group with me, there were already two people sitting in my group, Ms. Reed had said only four people in each group, and she wanted groups to get together right away because we had a lot to talk about.

I exhale, happy no matter who I was in group with because it was a good group activity where I think we all learned a lot, and he wasn't rude, and for some weird reason she didn't come over.

And I hear him say he wants to say he's sorry.

I look over at Marvin, feeling my eyebrow rise, remembering I thought he was white but he's not because his parents are from South America, confused, and say, "Um, sorry for what Marvin?"

I see him exhale, nervous I think, and he says, "For not stopping it in middle school when I could've done something, I don't know, something, and because even back then I thought you were really."

I see him stop, feeling my other eyebrow rise, a very Huey thing that I have to stop doing, seeing Marvin blush I think again, like I saw him doing a couple of times in class, and he says, "I thought you were cute, I did, and you were nice to everyone, and even to me when I was new and I didn't stop it, and I wanted to and I'm sorry, I really am, for not doing anything to help you."

I exhale, roll my eyes, feeling my smile, knowing it really doesn't hurt anymore, and say, "Marvin it's okay. What matters is we all made it out of there, a really bad middle school and I know how bad it was not just for me but for other people and we can be friends now okay, but thank you for saying that and for helping so much today."

I see him nod with his small smile, blushing I think, and hear him say he'll see me tomorrow.

I nod, grab my backpack from behind my chair, and hear him say he wants to talk.

I shake my head, putting my backpack on my lap, putting my pen in my backpack, grab the paper with all our notes, and hear him say, "Come on Jazmine. You talk to other fools and I was cool today, didn't say shit, so let's just talk, alright?"

After all of that, all of that, him grabbing me so many times, almost hitting me, almost getting in fights with my boyfriend and his little brother who's my sister's boyfriend at their jobs and here at school, trying to kiss me, making me feel bad all those times about my Huey getting bored with me, he tried kissing me darn it, not giving Phil's phone back for a week, and texting me, and I know giving out my phone number to other people because I'm still getting texts and calls from phone numbers I don't know that I have to block, I just can't with him.

I get up, put my backpack over my shoulder, and move the desk back to face the front. I hear him say something, turn around, walking back to the class, and see him, feeling my cheeks getting red seeing him in that black t-shirt with the Fight the Power Public Enemy white logo that still fits but it's a little faded, trying really hard not to think about that hard stomach under that t-shirt, and see those burgundies that look rested, making me happy, and see them look up behind me.

I walk up to him, leaning on the wall, smile at him, and say, "Bestie."

I see him look down at me, see those eyelids do that thing when they come down a little, feeling my smile get bigger, and say, "I'll be back, nothing happened, so no trouble okay?"

I see him exhale and she says, "Hurry."

I nod, happy I get to walk with him from inside my class all the way outside today. I turn around, walk up to Ms. Reed's desk, put the paper down, and hear her say, "Ms. Hoffman said you wrote a critical paper on a theme from Booker T. Washington's autobiography."

I look up, confused, remembering he finished that book in November, I think before Thanksgiving, see Ms. Reed smiling at him, and hear that monotone voice say, "I did Ms. Reed, last year, the theme was vocational schooling leading to more stability over higher education for the black community."

I look back at him, wanting to kiss him so much, see those eyes looking at Ms. Reed, thinking about going to college with him, hoping Black Jesus wants that for me, thinking about college, higher education, that it's not just about going to college but going there, meeting people, learning so much, 'expanding your horizons' mom said, being part of groups and movements and being part of all of that, like what we're doing now but with more people, and just so much, and say, "But, why if it's not just about things being stable but about going to college to learn more, not just to be smart, but to meet other people, and be part of the world like that, and isn't vocational school just about training people, giving them a job, giving them a little stability, but what if they want more than that, to explore and know more and know things like things we're learning in this class that I don't think they'll learn in a school that's just going to train them for a job? I mean isn't people going to college and expanding their horizons, learning so much more, more important than getting trained for a job and that's what we need to do?"

I see those eyes look at me, feeling my face get completely red, thinking I just said all of that out loud and we're in school, and I think it sounded like he wrote that paper saying vocational schools are better than higher education, seeing him looking at me like that, wanting to tell him to stop before I kiss him, seeing him exhale, and he says, "That was one of my points and the reason it's a critical paper because it's about analyzing a theme, such as the benefits of vocational schooling, one of them being stability for a community, which does not actually remove them from that position, that land, or working under those conditions where they remain at the bottom of the political and social ladder in every way, and why my points, like the one you just made, led to my argument being that vocational schools do bring stability but at the price of keeping people there, never moving up, never owning land, businesses, homes, any of it, and why those few that made it out, like Booker T. Washington, were rare and died being overworked running that school, trying to get the white man and wealthy blacks to fund that school, and why those teachers that helped him run the school and took over it had received higher education and pushed their students to do so even after receiving their education at that vocational school, and why my conclusion included your point."

I feel my mouth open, hearing some girls talking about him, wanting to slap them I think, seeing him doing that thing still, looking at me like that, knowing I'm kissing him really soon, and hear that laugh.

I blink, remember where I am, look back at Ms. Reed, see her laughing, looking at Huey, and she says, "I know you emailed it to her and I can ask her to send it to me but I'd rather you email it directly and know I will be commenting on it and will ask my husband who teachers African American history at a community college to also make some comments."

I feel my smile, not knowing her husband teachers African American history at a community college, and inhale remembering Huey said his dad used to do that, and look back at him.

I see him nod, hear him tell Ms. Reed he'll email it to her tonight, and I walk up to him, grab that hand, kissing that soft cheek bone that I know would still make any cover girl envious, turn back to Ms. Reed, smile and tell her I'll see her tomorrow. I see her nod with her smile and I pull that hand out of class, into the hallway.

And I inhale seeing that hair, that long dark hair going down the staircase, feeling him letting go of my hand, wanting to tell him I need that hand right now because even though he's not scary just creepy I feel creeped out when I see him, when I see that long dark hair, but I need to grow up and I can't be immature needing that hand when I'm turning seventeen next year, and I feel that arm go over my shoulders, feeling myself relax.

Then I stiffen a little, knowing this is happening, remembering this is Huey and it's okay if he's affectionate hugging me from behind or putting his arm around my shoulders, walking down the hallway, because he's really affectionate now and hell isn't going to freeze over, I know it. And I grab that hand on my shoulder, putting my fingers through it, hearing I think something hit a locker or walk into a locker, and walk down those stairs with his arm over me, hoping he keeps it there until he drops me off at the nursing home, even if we're driving there. Okay stop being weird Jazmine and just be happy.

And I hear him ask me if I want to tell him how class went, feeling my smile, and tell him.

Thank you Black Jesus.

Then, walking out, telling him about all those terms, not knowing how I'm going to remember all of them, swearing I heard a few more people walk into lockers on the way to the front of school, I feel my eyebrow rise, seeing that pretty car, red, cherry red, parked there in front of our school gates, not remembering any parent ever driving that car, because they all usually have bigger ones, vans, but not a red cherry sporty car like that.

I squint, feeling that hand squeezing my shoulder, seeing it's not just a sports car, it's a mustang and I know that because I remember those pictures in the attic of when my mom and him had one before they had me, but it was a black one, not a shiny pretty red cherry one, and exhale, seeing that girl leaning on the hood of the car, that long dark hair that reaches her midback, that perfect light brown, maybe caramel skin, that perfect thin figure that's taller than me and in shape with really thin, thinner than mine for sure, legs that shows she exercises, and I see red, everywhere, seeing her, her, the first reason I've felt weird for weeks.

I start walking up to that car, seeing her looking at us, knowing I'm beating her today, seeing her look at me with squinty eyes, getting to that girl, seeing her roll her eyes at me, and feel those arms going around me.

I see her smirk, five feet away where I can swing at her and maybe get her, seeing only red, remembering her, what she did, and say, "Huey let me go! I'm going to beat her! Why is she even here! Why are you here! You stay away from my man or I'll," and hear that voice say, "Of course, now do you need to be sent to the prin," and I look over at him, see that sweater with the high school logo, inhale, really, really mad, and say, "No Mr. Leon we are outside of school, call anyone you want but you can't do anything to us here now go away!"

I see him exhale and I turn back to her, see that dumb smirk I'm going to slap or punch, and say, "You stay away from my man or I'll pull out all that fake ass hair!"

I see her eyes open and she says, "Don't be talking about my hair because it's all real and at least I'm all real, completely, not a half white girl that wants to think she's black and is keeping one of the good ones for herself and I'm better than that because I ain't beating a little girl that doesn't know to shut up when a woman's talking!"

Oh dear Black Jesus. And I swing, seeing her eyes get big, and feel that squeeze around my waist and that shiny fake hair going over my knuckles.

I hear the moving, the yelling, but all I see is this girl that doesn't think I'm black when it's always been so hard for me and I am, feeling that pull around my waist, feeling him pull me back, and say, "I am black and I don't care what you think because I am part black, I am a women of color no matter who says I'm not, and even more important than that I don't throw myself at guys that have a girlfriend because that's not what strong black girls do! We help each other! Telling our boyfriends to help another black woman with house stuff, house stuff that even I can do but you needed help, I let him help you, and you, you," and I see red, move up trying to grab that stupid girl with that stupid shiny fake hair, feeling him moving me back, hearing him tell me to calm down, and see her look at him, hearing her say she's there to say she's sorry.

I exhale, shaking, hearing him telling me to calm down, that this doesn't matter, and feel those hands around my waist disappear, feeling myself falling, falling, falling over that shoulder, looking at that stupid girl, seeing her mad, clicking her tongue I think, seeing her looking at that back I'm holding onto, walking away from her as he's carrying me away, holding onto to that back, covering it from her because she's a stupid girl that had him alone in her house behind a locked door where I wasn't, offered herself to him, tried having sex with him, alone in her house where I couldn't protect him, covering that back as we're walking away I think to the parking lot, feeling myself shaking, and feel my eyebrow rise seeing him walk up to that girl, and see her turn to him and smirk.

Oh Black Jesus please, please, help me focus my energy on people and things that matter, let her have a good life, and please let me never see her again.


That energy. I exhale, trying to relax, trying, if only for her. That damn energy. Fuck.

I inhale, open my eyes, holding her, where she's safe, or at the very least where I'll kill him if he comes near her outside of that class. She's safe from him or any other fucken imbecile, smelling that hair under my chin, feeling that 'feeling' she creates, because if I'm honest, if I'm honest with myself, she's always created those feelings, because they do not originate from me, possibly never will, feeling how she feels, natural, good, like I need to keep searching for that good in this world because I trust her and she believes it's there, in this pointless world where fucken idiots continue to run it, feeling her, that goodness in this world, and feel it, again. Fuck. And she asked me again last week, that day, the day that fucken idiot attempted to talk to her, put his hand out to touch her, but I was there watching them because I decided to get there early, walking into her class to wait knowing she likes to talk to her friends after class. That day I saw him look at me, saw that look of hate, and saw him put his hand back down. And after talking to Ms. Reed about that paper I would be emailing her, seeing that girl out there, because that's what she acts like, a girl, on the way to the nursing home that Jazmine head reminded me that she doesn't want me to change her phone number or kill him or beat him because she doesn't want me dealing with legal problems or putting my energy into things that do not matter. I exhale, remembering she says those things because she wants to take care of me for her own Jazmine reasons. Fuck.

Jazmine. I feel myself squeezing what's mine, knowing how misguided and shortsighted she still doesn't think people, this world, all of it truly is, how she's been hurt in the process of their chaos and ignorance and selfishness, chaos and ignorance from most, and selfishness from idiots and fucken lunatics I'm either going to beat or kill one day, and I see it, that light, that fucken idiot.

I inhale, not necessary wanting to, and slowly untangle myself from those long arms.

I get up, looking down at that face, seeing I didn't disturb that sleep where she seems content, happy for her own Jazmine reasons, seeing she's breathing in those right amounts, knowing that's as much as I can do most days, making sure she's breathing in those right amounts, making sure she's statistically, empirically, factually, safe, no longer caring how and why I 'feel' the need to do so, whereas she does more for me than I give her credit for, still, and feel that fucken energy.

I look over at it, walk to that phone, grab it, open it with my thumb, and inhale seeing those missed calls from phone numbers I'll have to add to the list. Regardless of her saying she blocks them I still started that list so I can find out who they belong to when I have time, knowing it really does not fucken matter because they're coming from him, knowing that Jazmine head doesn't understand he more than likely did not give out her phone number because he's just as selfish as all of them, possibly as selfish as I am, and would not want anyone other than himself having her phone number, that phone number she doesn't want me to change for substantial reasons, one of them being that woman I choose to call grandma when we talk to her through those monthly calls.

I exhale, blocking each one of those phone numbers, three new ones, phone numbers that are far less important than that woman in Louisiana is, that woman that possibly reminds me of a woman that died from cancer many years ago, and then I see the text message from one phone number asking her if they can talk, a text message with no identifying name. Fucken idiot.

I inhale, knowing the alarm systems are turned on, I could message my brother, tell him I'm leaving to beat that fucken, and I hear that voice.

I turn to that voice, feeling my eyebrow rise, and hear her say it again, that she's sorry about my father.

I exhale, remembering last Saturday night, two days after that day Ms. Reed not only asked me to email her that paper but also said her husband teachers African American history at a community college, that Saturday night when she asked me if it made me think about my father when Ms. Reed said that. That night, after we talked about my father, told her I did possibly think about my father at that moment, a memory of him sitting at his desk, possibly looking over papers, how I didn't feel grief over that memory because that's the man he would be, grading or looking through papers of his students, we talked about that girl, and I reminded her again how I see her because no matter what she said that night about knowing who she is those half-truths that girl said affected her, because everything that girl said about herself might be true enough to her but what she said about Jazmine were all lies.

I put that phone down and walk over to that afro, that crown that just moved down half an inch. I grab that cover, the one that keeps the cold out well enough, get under that cover, grab those hips, moving her into me, and grab that chin.

I kiss those lips, hearing her inhale, kissing that face, and say, "Stop apologizing for that. He's dead. They're both dead. I understand that fact about my life, possibly something I will always miss, not necessarily feel grief over, but miss, and at least in the last year or so, maybe for the last few years, that grief, possibly what used to be pain, if that's what it was, has started healing, inch by inch, possibly, that," and I kiss that forehead that might always make that face look younger than she is, unlike that body, kissing that soft face, and say, "That sick part of me as well, more than likely because of some small incremental things that Jazmine head does, like making potions, things I logically do not believe in, but some black men wrote about, not as bitter, possibly because of the way you taste."

And I kiss those lips, feeling those long arms going around my torso, feeling those breasts I didn't taste tonight because we need sleep, we need rest, we do, feeling her kissing my chin, going down to my neck, and hear that voice say, "Huey I'll always do whatever I can to make any place, anything, not hurt you as much okay, hopefully making pain go away too, I hope. Now sleep my bestie, my boyfriend who I love with all my heart, because we have an awesome day tomorrow where we're going to spend time with a really good man okay."

I exhale at that optimism, thinking about tomorrow, knowing she only went once while we were in middle school, possibly doesn't remember it well because it's been several years for her, is not a bright and wonderful place to spend time with anyone because the last time I asked her to go with me was that long ago.

That last time she had come to my front door an hour before we were leaving. I remember feeling annoyed that she was there and I needed to finish those tweaks to the next plan I was formulating and wanted to go over with him, saw her standing there in that shirt that for some reason made me feel uncomfortable because it was too tight when she knew they wouldn't let her in if she wasn't wearing the right kind of clothes, loose fitting in particular. I saw her looking down and asked her why she was there when we were leaving in an hour. I remember hearing him call her, looked up, saw him in his car looking at us, smiling, and heard her say she couldn't go because her father was taking her to the museum that day. I remember being possibly more than annoyed because I possibly, maybe, slightly, wanted her to go, did not understand why I would want that, but regardless I wanted her to go, and saw her face looked red, as she kept looking down, like she had been crying. I couldn't stop myself from asking why she would've cried at all if she liked going to the museum and she should go if that's what she really wanted to do rather than go with me anywhere. I saw her inhale, saw those wide greens, and saw her nod, seeing those eyes water, and before I could say another damn thing she turned around and ran to his car. I still didn't like the idea of him taking her anywhere but I shrugged it off and told myself again, again, damn it again, to mind my own damn business. I saw her getting into his car, slammed my front door, replacing those thoughts of her not going with me with thoughts of her immaturity, the fact that she would rather go to the museum instead of going with me to see him regardless of how too damn excited she seemed all week to go, and knew that would be last time I would ask her to go.

She didn't go because of him, I know it, I do, and worse yet was that was the last time I asked her to go because I was immature, childish myself, and didn't ask her after that, not until this year, because it's been too long since I've seen him, letters aren't the same thing as seeing him, and I want to go, and she's been excited about this for weeks. And she didn't go that last time I asked because of that fucken disgusting piece of shit and she was excited to go, like she has been for weeks.

I go down to that face, see those tired greens, kiss those lips, that face, and tell her the truth, that I don't care that she didn't go after that last time, I don't, not one damn bit, and I want her to stop apologizing for my father and mother being dead and for not going before when I know it was because of that disgusting piece of shit that she didn't go, and I will kill him next time I see him.

I feel her kiss me, feel those arms holding me, feel those kisses on my face, and hear that voice say, "Okay, I'll stop apologizing for some of those things, only some, and only because you're letting me bring snacks tomorrow."

I taste that tongue, trying to remember to not leave marks just for tonight because she asked me to, kissing those lips and that face instead, that face that will be there tomorrow, like she should have been all those other times, and he won't be expecting her, along with others he'll be meeting, and respond, "That Jazmine head. I know."


I exhale, waiting, wondering why the hell it's taking that long, being reminded possibly, how much that Jazmine head wanders, hearing them talking, and hear him say, "So how you know that brother?"

I go back to my planning, the evidence I want him to go over with me again, the times, the dates, and hear my brother say, "Wells, first time McHater brought my ass, was waiting out here, walked in cuz guards don't give a shit when you a kid, ain't even ask who I was there to see, walked up to that last window, sat down, waiting for McHater to finish, and there that fool was, asked me why I was here, tol' his ass, tol' me we should talk while he waited for his mom to get through security and shit, just talked for some minutes, and since then been writing, visited him few more times when McHater would come, but I 'on't know, stopped visiting few years back, writing too, got busy, and this year, I 'on't know but remembered he said only one that visited him was his mom, no one else, and just how fucked up that shit is, and I 'on't know, thought 'bout that shit, how if it ain't for family she got I know C-Murph be living with us or maybe some place else, maybe fucken far from my ass, but she here cuz of Ms. S and Jazzy, she got people, family that loves her ass, and I 'on't know, wrote to that fool, tol' him some 'bout why I stopped showing up, stopped writing, and he wrote back, said he was cool, it was cool to hear from my ass, and his mom died last year."

I inhale, look over at him, see him nod looking at the floor, hearing that door open, hearing unfamiliar footsteps, and he says, "So just wanted to check on his ass, see if he alright, says he is but still, tol' his ass I'ma try to write least every few months and he said that'd be cool cuz no one else visits him, got locked up when he was few years older than my ass so he ain't even got kids and shit, nothing, no one now that his mom's gone, and it be cool to just get letters from out there, have someone visit him again, tell him 'bout any shit I'm doing, my art, any fucken thing, where I work, fuck, the fucken games I be winning, anything, cuz he lonely as fuck I think after his friend he had years back got released and stopped writing to him, and he ain't going nowhere for a long ass fucken time, and I tol' him I'd write to him no matter what and I was sorry for leaving his ass hanging for a long ass time, like I kept other people waiting on my ass."

I exhale, having looked up that brother's case, knowing there's a possibility he committed that crime but it was due to economic circumstances, where he lived, and I'm damn sure with everything stacked up against him, but still, he's a brother, another one that won't be released until he's too old to have lived a full damn life.

I inhale, releasing that pressure in my hands, remembering she's in there, feeling my smirk, possibly my hands relaxing, knowing she wants to be here, she does, in that room with some that might never be released and visitors possibly giving them hope, what she gives, possibly why her mind wandered, because she gives hope, remembering the excitement I felt through that knee when Caesar came out, and hear him say, "You might see his ass out Riley, just keep showing up man, and we'll look into his case after checking this one out again."

I exhale, look over at him, see him look at me, that possible look of dejection, knowing that damn look, and say, "He will get out Caes."

I inhale, knowing that was not a thought I've had possibly ever, trying to figure where that thought came from, knowing the case inside and out better than any other case I know, knowing it was an open and shut case set up and delivered by this racist fucken system, knowing that god, the one I prayed to that day, the one I'm still learning about, if a god exists, has yet to make that happen, seeing Caesar smirk, and he says, "When you get all optimistic 'bout this brother cuz knowing as much as I know 'bout the case, what you've told me, how fucked up it all is, it's gonna be real hard to see that happen, and more than that, your ass wasn't never the optimistic one?"

I exhale, thinking about that mind that wanders, that optimism, those particles, the ones that are possibly making me delusional knowing what I do know, hearing that door open, and hear those footsteps I know.

I look up to the end of the hallway, see those black shoes, those black pants that do not show those thick firm legs, that loose fitting purple long-sleeved shirt, and that long neck I can see because that thick hair is up in that bun.

I get up, walking to her, see her talking to the clerk, getting her identification card, walking to her, see that face turn to me, see that smile, walking to her, go down, and kiss those lips.

I feel her kiss me back, relaxing, knowing I have questions but we don't have time for that right now. I move away, see that smile, and she says, "I know bestie, later, go, and I want you to be with him for as long as you want, even if that's until they kick us out okay."

I exhale, remembering my parents' graves as I do sometimes, possibly because she said something similar when we were there, brought that food so we could stay there as long as I wanted, much like she did by bringing snacks for us to have on the drive here with my brother and Caesar eating most of them, and knowing with as much certainty as I have right now I have not completely relied on facts and numbers, my plans and goals, to get through life, but instead on those particles I'm inhaling right now, for some time now.

I see that small smile, exhale longer, preparing myself, hearing the clerk again, and see that face come up. I feel that peck, see those eyes blink, and she says, "And if that lady doesn't stop asking if you need help I'm going to really kiss you in front of her and get us kicked out, so go."

I feel my smirk, possibly my damn smile, see her smile, and see that face turn and walk around me.

I exhale turning to the clerk, take out my identification and keys, knowing the process, hand them over to her, give her his name and number, and see her look at her screen.

I inhale, remembering everything I want to ask him after reviewing the case again, see the clerk look at me, remembering my record but this is something they cannot legally take from me, see her eyebrow rise, and she says, "I see you don't have his last name but are you his son?"

I exhale, feeling my eyebrow rise, knowing familial relationship and age does not matter because of the kind of case he has, and say, "No, can I go in now?"

I see her eyebrow rise, trying to remember to be 'nice' especially here and right now, see her nod, and hear the buzz.

I walk over to the door, open it, see the people, and exhale, walking pass the guard to the only empty seat in the row.

I get to the seat, sit down, pick up the phone, look at the window, and see him, possibly feeling relief wash over me, reminding me of that mother figure that tried raising me to be 'nice.'

I see him smile, holding that phone, and hear that voice through the phone say, "How you doing Huey?"

I nod and say, "Good. I apologize for not having come sooner. How have you been?"

I see his smile possibly get bigger, being reminded it has only been six years since we moved here and I began to visit him, and he says, "Good myself. And I'll have you know that is the first time you answered that question with 'good' rather than 'fine' or some kind of way of saying the world's ending tomorrow."

I exhale, feeling my eyebrow rise, confused, not sure how to respond without sounding disrespectful knowing this is one of those few men I respect even if I call him by his first name, and say, "Thank you. I wanted to go over the details."

I see him exhale with his smirk and he says, "I know Huey, and I'm glad I met your friend Caesar finally, another young brother coming up, helping you as much as he does, I'm glad for that, but I'm happy I finally saw her again and I'd rather you tell me about that first."

I exhale, feeling my face get warm for not a damn reason, none, because we've been together or dating or whatever this world considers what we are for almost a damn year, have answered questions about us I deem worthy for some time now, and say, "Why?"

I see him shake his head with his smile, see him start laughing, realizing, possibly, as I feel my eyebrow rise, that I have not seen him laugh in some time, years, because when I come we predominantly, only, talk about the case, brothers being systematically killed or imprisoned, put on death row for crimes they did not commit, subjects there is no reason to laugh about or disregard as 'normal' like the rest of white America chooses to, because there are causes, conditions, to that process, not a damn thing 'normal' about it, not a fucken normal thing about it, never something to laugh about, seeing him laughing, and say, "Shabazz."

I see the guard behind him looking at him and see him say if something's wrong.

I inhale, knowing he's being watched, we both are, watching Shabazz turn to him, knowing I cannot answer that question by telling that white guard exactly what the hell is wrong, the fact that we're here, in this prison, the privatization that profits from a racist system that locks us up, one by one, the reason he's behind that window and not out here where the hell he should be fighting for us, feeling myself standing, and hear Shabazz say, "Not a thing, just talking to my son. Is that a problem officer Morgan or do I gotta check you again?"

I see that guard inhale, see possibly fear pass over his face, and see him turn away, walking over to the other windows.

I exhale, feeling myself sitting back down, see Shabazz turn back to me, see that smirk, and hear him say, "Now Huey the reason I would rather talk about that first, how long it's been going, maybe if you're planning anything like trips or anything is because she told me about what you've been doing with your organizations already, talked about what else she could help with, like the breakfast programs we were organizing back then, what our kids needed back then and what they need now still, and all she told me was that you saved her from people that didn't need to be around her, she's happy, and I want to know more about that, things we don't get in here, things you can only do out there, going to different places, putting brothers and the white man in their place, so tell me about that first since those letters you send me are about my case enough, and talking about those things you saved her from can give me some reprieve from this place, what I gotta turn to, because she told me some of what happened between you two but I wanna hear it from you, and then I can maybe have something to talk about with my celli when you leave, something positive, something good about this world, not just some good letters I get from family and some friends, but maybe even real hope from a young brother that isn't just my friend but someone I consider closer than that, hope from him that out there isn't as bad as it is in here."

I exhale, knowing the truth about 'out there', the truth about his case, remembering that night when he was supposed to be put to death was the first time I prayed, possibly the first time I cried after their death, because this man might be the closest thing I have to a father figure, possibly, knowing he might also be trying to distract himself from what he sees and lives in here.

I nod and say, "I'll give you the pertinent information of what happened and," and he cuts me off with, "Huey."

I exhale, see him smile with his raised eyebrow, knowing that look, the one he has when he wants details, and say, "Fine, but tell me if I'm repeating anything she said."

I see him nod with his smile.

I inhale, knowing I need to do this chronologically, exhale, remembering that day, and start, "It was the first day of high school, a useless institution still, save for some teachers and classes, and an idiot named Mark Anderson, not knowing her like I do, walked up to us in front of my locker and…."


I exhale, feeling my smirk, possibly some relief after today, and hear that voice say, "So my mom said they have pizza at the house and will order chicken wings when we get there for you guys."

I hear their cheering, my idiot brother and best friend, hearing her giggle, and hear her say, "So I know my big brother didn't but did you talk about Loyola bestie?"

I feel my eyebrow rise, confused, driving, trying to focus on the mundane task of driving rather than her voice, thinking about that name, that school, and say, "Why would we talk about a school in Chicago, furthermore a university I do not plan on applying to?"

I hear that exhale and hear Caesar say, "What I told tiny one man."

I hear that exhale from her, hear her moving, possibly turning towards me, and hear her say, "Seriously bestie, you too?"

I exhale and say, "Jazmine."

I hear that inhale from her, feeling my smirk, wondering if she's annoyed right now because I don't know what that Jazmine head is talking about, and hear Caesar say, "Loyola's some lady brother Shabazz's talking to."

I exhale, looking at the rearview mirror, see him looking at me, and hear him say, "I know brother. Don't even know why tiny one would think I'd be asking him 'bout any lady he's talking to when one, he's in there, and two, I don't even know how to ask a grown ass brother who's in the pen 'bout that shit."

I look forward, knowing those are good damn points, wanting to hear her again, and say, "Jazmine."

I hear that possible annoyed exhale from her, feeling my smirk possibly get bigger, and hear that voice say, "You two. I asked him if he was seeing anybody because we don't know if he could be seeing someone in there and we shouldn't make him feel bad if he is and then he told me he started taking to someone through a program they have where people can write to people in prison that they've never met, I guess so people in prison can get more letters and not feel so lonely, and he told me how there's this lady that started writing to him, her name's Loyola, and it was really cute when he would say her name because he would smile, and that's good for him, not just talking about all the great stuff he did with the Black Panther Party, those weeks before he went to prison, all that cool and amazing stuff like giving breakfast to little kids, talking to them a little bit of black history at those breakfasts, but also the good stuff that's happening right now, like meeting really nice people that want to write to him that aren't family or friends but new people because that's what he needs to think about, those good things, and make sure they don't leave him, and next time you two better ask him or I'll get mad."

I exhale, knowing we'll be on this freeway for at least an hour, there isn't traffic today because it's a Sunday, as I let go of the steering wheel with my right hand, reach over and grab that soft hand, bringing it over to my side.

I feel those fingers go in between my own and hear my brother say, "You knows Jazzy's right, even I ask the homie if he's seeing someone, don't wanna know more than that shit, but just to keep his ass talkin' 'bout anything that ain't gotta do with being in there."

I exhale, hearing her giggle, and hear Caesar say, "My bro's right man, when your ass have time to learn words like 'enabling' and get all fucken mature, making your ass sound like a sensitive nerd Riley?"

I hear the cursing, hear the cackling from Caesar, that laugh from her, shaking my head, feeling my smirk, and say, "It's possible we might forget to ask him about that woman when we come back so it's best you come along to ask those specific questions, every time."

I feel that kiss on my cheek, put both my hands back on the steering wheel as we're nearing an offramp, feeling that hand next to my leg, relaxing, hearing that voice telling those two how much alike they are, and inhale, focused on that car, well kept, the fake wood on the outside, dark blue paint, that car I barely touched, not having my katana that can slice through tires more than easily, Ford wagon, late seventies, being driven by a black individual, a disgusting piece of shit, off that offramp we just passed, that fucken ramp, as if they were following us.

I exhale, focused on the road again, the mundane task of driving, knowing I could stop, turn around, but there are still too many cars on the road even if it's Sunday, I could cause a car crash trying to get off right now where there is no offramp, and by the time we reach the next offramp that car could be on the same freeway going in a different direction or hiding in the forestry surrounding this damn freeway, this fucken freeway. And, he's not getting anywhere near her.

And I'm sleeping over tonight.


I hear her say, "So them two still stayed over last night?"

I exhale, trying to put that stray hair back in my right bun, and say, "Yeah but tonight we told them no matter what we're getting back to our normal routines and tomorrow we're sleeping over their house, no matter what."

I finally put that hair back in, happy that was the only one out, not sure if I can do any other hairstyle but this one for these things because my hair is so thick, remembering my grandma said I could use castor oil to help it grow and then make it heavier, and I feel those arms going around me.

I exhale, hugging them back, smiling, putting my face on that shoulder that smells like that good cucumber lavender lotion, feeling those strong arms around me, that long braid full of fun and sunshine in my face, and that head on my back.

I hear those sniffles and say, "No, no crying because everything's okay I promise, we are here to keep doing things with each other, having fun, no matter what, because we cannot let people," and hear that voice say, "Fucked up, dumbass nobody's stop us," and hear that other voice say, "Or be afraid 'bout them doing any stupid shit when we're out cuz we ain't punks," and hear that voice say, "And Mimi and me got our knives we practiced with last weekend and you and Cin bear are the strength fighters, and we can make people bleed or pee their pants."

And now we're all laughing after knowing they were crying a little, crying because they're scared, a little I think, and not because of high school stuff, dumb people in high school, but because of what Huey told us he saw on the freeway after we got home last weekend, knowing something was wrong on the way home but I didn't want to ask him because I knew he wanted to drive safe and we were on the freeway, with him and Riley saying they were sleeping in the same house with us no matter what at least for a week, knowing right now this is what I need to think about, this is what I want to think about, my sister and friends, making them laugh and say, "My cuddly worrywarts friends that are the best women wolves players ever and make guys pee in their pants."

I hear them start laughing harder, laughing with them, hear that door open, and let go of them.

I look over at the door, feel my smile seeing those long braids that I can't believe are all her natural hair since it grew out long enough, happy she's told me how you can tell natural from not natural hair, usually that it's just too shiny, too straight, specially if it's just too perfect, loving that she's teaching me so much, see those wide pretty charcoal eyes, and hear her say it.

I exhale, walk up to those charcoal eyes, hear her tell me to hurry, go through the open door, walk outside, and see her talking to him, again, like I saw her talking to him this week in front of the restroom when he was waiting for me before homeroom started.

I inhale, walking up to them, trying to not be mad but I am, and step in front of him.

I see her look at me with that dumb look and say, "What do you need Ashley? You already said you're sorry, I don't believe you, he doesn't believe you, and it doesn't even matter so leave him alone."

I see her look up at him, feeling myself shaking, see her making those big eyes, feeling that hand on my back, and she says, "Huey I just want to tell you that I really am sorry even if she doesn't believe me and I haven't said anything to her for weeks and I never did those things they said because I do have morals, not just money and class, my family too, so much I want to say I'm sorry, I want you to believe me, and my dad who really liked you said he wants you to come over for dinner."

I feel that hand holding my wrist, my strong right wrist, see her look at me with that dumb look, mad I think, and say, "Huey let go of my hand now because she's," and I feel him by my ear, hearing him whisper, "Jazmine, calm down, you know I could not care less about that, I have my priorities, one of them being to make sure we get back to those bleachers in two minutes, now do you want me to carry you or are you going to be good this time?"

Oh my Black Jesus. I know my whole face is red, feeling myself nod, seeing those icy blue eyes maybe looking mad, I think, not knowing what else to do but nod, seeing her inhale, and feel that hand pull me.

I exhale, walking around her, and follow those broad shoulders. And I hear her saying his name, trying to calm down, hopefully so my cheeks aren't as red when we get there, seeing the girls on the cheerleading team in those cute uniforms standing in front of that stand, those cute uniforms that I would never want to ask my mom to buy me because I heard they cost a lot of money, knowing my mom had to force my sister to get a new uniform for her to practice in last month because my sister didn't want her spending money on that either, and I stop, and say, "My sister, Huey, she's still," and I see that face turn to me, feeling him letting go of my hand, see him go down, and feel myself falling, falling, again.

I hold on to that broad back, getting even redder I think, seeing those blue icy eyes looking at us twenty feet away I think, passing the cheerleaders now, knowing I am so red right now because this is really, really super public, and hear that monotone voice say, "My brother, Caes, and Hiro were waiting with me Jazmine and there are others waiting for us, so listen."

And I inhale, feeling that pinch on my leg, seeing those cheerleaders still looking at us, turning down the hallway, seeing those students looking up at me, and say, "Bestie please put me," and feel that hard pinch on the inside of my leg, and close my mouth before he makes me redder.

And going up those stairs, walking down the metal floor, seeing all those students looking at us, I swear I hear Mr. Leon somewhere telling Huey to put me down.

We finally get to the bleachers we were sitting in and I feel him put me down. And there he is again. I see some sweat on his forehead, reminding me I do weigh some still, maybe more now that I'm training, training him and his brother and friends are all teaching us, and I go up, and kiss those soft lips.

I feel him kiss me, hoping the redness goes away but really not caring that much, feel him move away, opening my eyes, see those dark burgundies, knowing I get to see them tomorrow night all night, and he says, "Remember, don't go far, my brother and friends are not leaving your sister and friends I'm sure all night, they're with them right now, and tonight I know you want to spend time with your mother and sister so I won't be crawling through your window only because you asked me not to, even if I'll still be monitoring the cameras while I get back to some emails, review the platforms, and could hardly care if you're on your period because you're sleeping over tomorrow night."

I roll my eyes remembering I told him I didn't want him saying it out loud but he doesn't listen, feeling my smile. And I move up, kiss the chest, seeing it expand, and hear that voice.

I feel my smile get so much bigger, so, so, so happy they're here, grab that hand, turn to the bleachers and start moving down the aisle.

And I see them, see her smiling at us under that big arm over her shoulders, look over at him, see that big smile, those eyes that remind me of a safe black night sky, walking up to them, sit down, kiss that shoulder, and tell her I love her with all my heart, all of it, feeling her hug me, and hear her say, "I love you too baby but where's your little sister?"

I smile, putting my head on that shoulder, about to tell her she's coming, and hear that voice say, "Right behind her mama's, gots the drinks, and only water for pop's cuz he ain't getting nothing else but that."

And I start laughing, hearing us all laughing, passing the drinks around, hearing Caesar thank my sister for only getting his uncle water even if he asked for a soda, and hear pop's say, "Do not know what I did to deserve it but I am the luckiest man on earth."

I exhale, feeling that hand on my back, smiling, looking down at those bright lights, hearing mom and pop's and my sister and friends all talking about being here, how much they wanted to come, feeling my smile get bigger, starting with 'M' on those jeans I think because I like starting with 'M', and hear the announcer say, "Welcome everyone to the biggest game of the football season, the last game of the season by two rival teams, the Wuncler High Wolves and the Woodcrest Academy High Jackrabbits!"

And I stand up, hearing the cheering, seeing the team coming out, feeling how excited everyone is, feeling those hands on my hips, and hear the announcer say, "That's right folks! This is the first year in a decade that the Wolves and Jackrabbits are battling it out at the last game, a team that has showed just how resilient and outstanding they have been with the leadership of their quarterback Phil Garrison, undefeated with those amazing plays, against another undefeated team for over a decade with their own outstanding leadership by Chase Andrew Jackson!"

I exhale, feeling those hands pulling me down, sitting down, hearing the cheering from the other side of the football field, feeling that kiss on my head from my mom, and hear her say, "I do remember that name. Didn't he go to your middle school baby?"

I inhale, look over at my mom, see that cute straight haircut over her shoulders with those pretty eyes squinting at the field, and hear that voice say, "He did mama and I'ma kill him he gets near my Jazzy ever 'gain and I woulda killed him if McHater didn't beat my ass to it, Riles didn't punk his ass last year, and our crew wasn't with us day at the mall making that dumbass and his stupid ass friend shit their pants, pussy ass racists son of bitches that ain't gonna win this and no game against us ever."

I exhale, hearing that voice, loving her, and hear that voice say, "That's very true baby."

And I feel my smile and start laughing, hearing my little sister laughing with me, hearing us all laughing, feeling that energy coming back through that rough hand on my back, that rough hand that's only Huey's, knowing mom, Riley, my sister, can always make us laugh, no matter what's happening, no matter who's playing against our football team.

And I see it, the kickoff, I think hearing the announcer talking about that jerk that tried grabbing my sister, the reason our mom came this time, the reason I'm watching him and know I'll beat him with anything in my hand if he comes near her.

And I feel that hand on my back, drawing those letters on his pants, the ones he lets me draw, feeling that hand touching the skin on my back, seeing it, that catch, feeling my eyes open, and I stand up, hearing us all telling him go, go, go Phil, go, faster, go, seeing that racist jerk miss him by only an inch, and inhale, seeing him get there, get there, and I start jumping, hearing the announcer say, "The first touchdown of the game folks by the Wolves' quarterback Phil Garrison! That boy is fast folks!"

And I feel those hands on my hips bringing me down again, turn to him, see that cute smirk, and I kiss those lips.

I tell him I love him, hearing him say he knows and that Jazmine head isn't leaving his side tonight, and Riley's voice say, "Ask for a day off to get the fuck 'way from the fucker. Shit. And he bring a light skin hoe too."

I feel my eyebrow rise, seeing those dark burgundies look down at my lips I think, blink, trying to not kiss him too much here with mom and pop's next to us, remember what Riley just said, and look over my shoulder, seeing him and her. And I see that hair, just too shiny, just too straight, just too perfect.

I inhale, feeling him holding my hips, seeing them walking in, and hear Caesar say, "How you know she light skin? Looks black to me."

I exhale, seeing them getting to the bleachers down there, and hear Hiro say, "How do you not know that brother, look at her, she ain't full black, got something else in her, white or Latina, something, but don't matter cuz I agree with Riley on her being a hoe and that all that matters."

I see them going up the bleachers, remembering he's been respectful, at least not trying to talk to me since that last time, even in group, remembering I saw them talking when Huey was carrying me away to the parking lot, and say, "But guys, just because she's here with him doesn't mean she's you know, like that."

And I hear them laughing, feeling that sand I think moving under me, feeling those legs on my sides, those arms going around my waist, that strong chin on my shoulder, and I look over hearing that laughing and see Riley holding his stomach.

I exhale and say, "But really I don't get it. Maybe they're just talking."

I hear them all call me 'too Jazzy', feeling those kisses on my neck, trying to not turn around and kiss him, and hear my sister say, "Jazzy boo, it's cuz that hoe is with his ass that makes her a hoe so one, she in the twenty-five, and two, I'ma just be happy he busy with that hoe for a minute, leaving you the fuck alone."

I exhale, smiling at my cute sister, see her turn to Riley, hearing them all talking again, and I look out at the field. And I see the football team huddled up I guess for the next play, not knowing a lot about football, feeling it, that feeling of someone looking at me, and follow that feeling, down, down to the right, and see him looking up at me, and then see him put his arm over that woman's shoulders.

I look up at the field again, smiling at the team, happy Lena's down there, happy for her and Phil, hoping we can all hang out soon, just not tonight because we're going to try to be safe and just go home after this, happy for Cairo and that woman if they're friends or dating, and feel those arms squeezing me, those warm arms holding me.

I turn to that afro, kiss that cute scrunched forehead that's looking down at where Cairo and that woman are, and say, "Bestie, relax, nothing's gonna happen, mom's here, pop's, Grandad and Ms. Lola are at your house together, and maybe we should trust our friends on this one, be happy for them, and have fun tonight okay?"

And I see that face turn to me, looking at my neck I think, see him come in, and feel that bite on my neck. I inhale, trying to remember my mom is right here, and hear that monotone voice say into my neck, "That Jazmine head, I could not care less about that because those two are hardly, if at all, my priorities unless they get near you, and stop fidgeting before I take you home to have you help me while I taste that skin on you, and you are not leaving my side at all until we leave, do you agree?"

I exhale, feeling my cheeks getting warm again at how affectionate, cuddly, and totally overprotective he's being here even if mom and pop's are here, we're safe, and we're all happy, trying to focus on the field again, seeing that pass, hearing the announcer talking about Phil, and say, "Agree, my cuddly worrywart boyfriend," and feel that bite again.


I can't help it and start laughing with her and hear her say, "And then after that it was great because everyone stopped being so nervous specially with Gerardo using one of my dad's shirts because his shirt was so wet."

Oh my god. I close my eyes, laughing, imagining how cute and funny that had to be, last week on Friday when we were at the game and her family and her were having dinner with Gerardo and his mom, how cute and funny it had to be when that cup full of water fell on Gerardo's shirt because he was that nervous, and hear Mackenzie say, "And then he asked my parents if he could be my boyfriend."

I feel my eyes open, see those chocolate brown eyes looking at our paper with that game with that big smile, and I hug her.

I feel her hug me back and hear her whisper, "Yeah and he did it in front of my parents and his mom that night, his mom who I hope likes me, everything happening after him and his mom went to church with us on Sunday, how nice that all was, my parents asking them to have dinner with us Friday night, and then that night my parents telling Gerardo he could be my boyfriend, and he's the best and nicest and really the cutest guy I've ever met Jazzy so thank you and thank your friends for me for bringing him."

I exhale, remembering something Ming said a long time ago about my sister and me helping bring Caesar and Hiro here, knowing both my sister and me just feel lucky to be part of such a warm, amazing group of people.

I pull away, see those awesome eyes, see her smiling, making me smile, and say, "Kenzie, we're just happy there was a great guy that knew you were not only super nice but was smart enough to not let you go, is a really nice guy that I'm sure all your friends at church like, has such a cool last name, and knew you were so pretty he called you that the first time he saw you."

And I see her get red like that again, like she does when I remind her that he called her beautiful when he first saw her, see her nod with that smile, and hear her say his name again.

I see Mackenzie exhale, I think tired of hearing them, or really hearing her, like I am, and we turn back to the paper with our game.

I guess this is the part that's not great about finishing groupwork early, when we have to listen to a couple we're in group with arguing, or one person trying to argue and the other person ignoring them, and hear Michelle say, "Why Cairo? We've been together for so long, I let you go back to her all those times because I knew you were just using her for the stuff she can give you, but now you're not picking up my calls or her calls because she's calling me so tell me what's happening, why aren't you calling me? Is there someone else now? Who?"

I mark my box, pass the paper back to Mackenzie, wanting to take my book out to focus on that but I don't want Mackenzie to be bored, and hear Cairo say, "No one, just got bored with both you'll."

I inhale, remembering him saying that to me, how my Huey was going to get bored with me, closing my eyes, and putting my head on that shoulder, whispering, "Tell me when you mark yours."

I feel Mackenzie nod and hear Michelle say, "That's not true, I know you, you're with someone else. Is it that girl they told me you showed up with last week at that stupid game, the one that bitch said you would get bored with and then come back to her?"

I exhale, remembering that game last week, kind of, maybe, hoping a little bit that he's serious about her, if they are dating, and the drama at school can finally end, and feel that scratch on my head, making me giggle and wonder when all my friends starting doing that to get my attention.

I open my eyes, looking down at the paper, looking at the game I think I'm going to win, and hear him say, "Yeah, her."

I mark the paper and hear Michelle say, "Is it cuz she's black?"

I give the paper back to Mackenzie and ask her, "So do you wanna hang out," and hear Cairo say, "She's mix," and I finish, "soon?"

I see those chocolate brown eyes looking at me with that raised eyebrow, eyebrows I think she got from her grandma, and hear Michelle say, "Look Cairo, I know why you're doing this okay, you just wanna make me and that bitch and other stupid girls here jealous, and it doesn't matter what you say because people saw her and I know she's black but if that's what you want, a black girl, fine."

I inhale, trying to not say anything because of the way she said it, like being with a black girl, maybe a girl that's not white, mix, anything that's not her, is bad, feeling that hand on my arm, blink, and say, "You wanna go?"

I see her nod with her small smile, see her get up, and I get up with her, I think hearing Cairo say my name.

We walk over to Ms. Reed's desk, ask her, and leave to the restroom.


I hear him say, "Told you'll didn't know 'bout Young Reezy."

I start laughing with everyone, feeling happy with so many people here, away from school where people are jerks and are just mean.

And I hear Lauren say, "And now the guy's basketball team is finally keeping up with us."

Oh my black Jesus, I move over, hugging her, laughing, hearing everyone saying 'Go wolves', and say, "I'm so happy we're hanging out way sooner than later."

I feel her hug me back and hear her say, "And I'm really happy we're all hanging out and he hasn't dropped water on his shirt, yet."

Oh my god, I can't help it, laughing with her, remembering yesterday when she told me in class about Gerardo dropping that cup of water, feeling so happy we're here.

I let go of her, hearing Adah asking her about the club I think, and I look around at our backyard. I see how pretty it is, knowing last year we celebrated this day at the Freeman house with a cake and presents and everything my sister deserves, knowing she deserves the best, and that's why we have so many people here, because of her and how many friends she has.

And where is she? I get up, looking for those braids, hearing everyone talking, and see Grandad and Ms. Lola sitting under the shade of that big tree my sister and me fell from all those times. I look back at the house, see mom and pop's at the barbecue, talking and being cute, seeing her pretty smile, and see those braids and that long black hair behind her.

I walk over to them, going around the table with all the food, happy we went to get more hamburger meet after I told them I kind of invited Mackenzie and Gerardo yesterday when Mackenzie and I were in the restroom.

I walk up those braids and that long bouncy black hair I need to trim again.

I get to them, hugging them, and say, "Birthday girls are supposed to be in the middle of the people here to see them, not by the cake again."

I hear them giggle, looking at that cake with both their favorite shows in that awesome cake topper from that ice cream shop I love, and feel my eyes open seeing those two dots at the corner of the cake where I think they dipped their fingers.

Oh my god, they're both so alike, reminding me of their boyfriends on the ride back from seeing Shabazz, and I start laughing with them, feeling them turning, and feel them hug me.

I hug them back and ask again because I really want to know, "Really, are you two sure? We can have one dinner next week and then another one the next weekend," and hear them say, "Jazzy no."

I exhale, putting my face in that braid, feeling Ming hugging me tighter, and hear my sister say, "Tol' you Jazzy boo, we happier like this, with everyone here and things gonna get busy soon and it's the perfect weekend to do this shit and like this we even got more people to show and make it a big ass party."

I exhale and hear Ming say, "And our birthdays are like four days apart and this just feels right Jazzy and we're not just celebrating out birthdays but a shit load more okay and you just be Jazzy and keep bringing more people into our little crew."

I exhale, nod, feeling my smile, and hear my sister whisper, "Loves the team, everyone here, but still nothing like our little crew that comes in an eight-mother fucken package of ass whooping that be together all year 'round."

I start laughing with them, hugging them tighter, knowing they're right about everything, and I love them, and hear, "C-Murph they wanna know 'bout the Young Reezy's funraiser!"

I exhale, letting go of them, see her roll those pretty blue eyes with that smirk, and see her grab Ming's hand and walk around me to where everyone is.

I turn around, see everyone there, sitting or standing, laughing, with Hiro on that big turntable, a real one for like a DJ, not knowing he knew that much about music, how to use one of those, and see Lauren walking over to him, with Gerardo and Caesar sitting in those chairs talking to Hiro. And I look down to the chairs under that awning that my mom rented for today, see Mackenzie and Adah talking with Johnny I think about the club or just talking, see that pretty half ponytail on Lena, those cute dreads on Lily, sitting next to Phil, all of them talking to Riley and my sister and Ming now, and Sam and Nickie and Selene, everyone my sister and Ming invited, and some friends I asked my sister and Ming if I could invite and of course they told me to stop being Jazzy and invite anyone I want. And I exhale, missing three people, three people that I think we all want to be here, but knowing one is in college and couldn't make it but she called my sister and Ming this morning, and the other two are at one of those all-day meetings, remembering my sister making fun of Ed when he said he was going to have to look like a penguin all day and hated it. But I know we'll see them soon. But where is he?

I walk over to my mom and pop's and say, "Mama, pop's, do you know where Huey is?"

I see them smile at me, exhale at how happy they look, and pop's says, "He said he wanted to go through some of your mother's books."

I exhale and say, "Thank you, I'll go get him."

I walk around them, walking into our house, and hear my mom say, "I think I only saw him eat that one hamburger baby."

I feel my smile and say, "Okay mom."

I go through our kitchen, walk up the stairs, and make that left walking into my mom's bedroom, knowing he's probably going to be in there on that chair, reading.

And I walk in, feel my eyebrow rise seeing him walk up to me, and feel him kiss me.

I close my eyes, kissing him, putting my hands on that neck, tasting that extra tomato I put in that veggie hamburger I made him eat when they first got here, and feel him push me back.

I hear the door close behind me, feeling that door on my back now, feeling those kisses on my neck, and say, "Bestie why are you up here when the party," and inhale, feeling that bite on my neck, feeling my legs squirm, and hear that monotone voice say, "I've been waiting for twelve minutes for you to come get me, now take off your shirt."

I inhale, remembering what I still want to do tonight, and say, "No, I haven't marked you, you're letting me do that to you tonight, and only after that I'll take my clothes off."

I feel that bite, hearing myself moan, trying to remember stuff, feeling that hard chest push me up on the door, and taste that tomato again, feeling those hands on my butt, under my skirt, feeling my legs get like jelly with that squeeze on my butt, those kisses on my face, and hear him say, "Why are you wearing this?"

I exhale, knowing I love being in a relationship with him, because I know him through and through, and I open my eyes, and grab that face.

I see those light burgundies because it's still daytime on a Saturday, we're spending time with family and friends, hoping he's happy, and say, "Because I wanted to remind you of what will be holding you tonight, now come downstairs with me and have fun, no more books because I know even if you were waiting for me to come get you, you were probably reading a little bit, and you need to rest your eyes a little, just today, and tonight you can read more while I read too, and then I want to hold you with my legs."

And I taste that tongue, hearing him curse I think, feeling that lift from those hands under my butt with my back leaning on the door, and hear him tell me he loves me.

I inhale, pull away, looking up at the face, that face he has, knowing he will probably never know what he looks like, why I get so jealous when they look at him, how insecure I still get, maybe I'll always get, but he doesn't need to know that I'm still insecure, he needs to have fun, and say, "I love you too, now come downstairs with me for little bit, and I promise there's no one down there that you don't like, they're all my friends, all of them, even some new people that showed up today, and you need to be part of the talking down there because you're Huey and everyone down there likes you or for sure doesn't judge you so let's go."

And I see that half smile, the one I want to kiss right now, and he says, "You really think I care if anyone down there likes me or judges me, knowing there's a good chance many in this world won't like me because they do not want to hear the truth, and really the only reason they're all here is because you all invited them to celebrate the day your sister and Ming were born when there's little significance in that day but more so to commemorate the ending of that last game and the ending of basketball practice, and the only person, including family, that I know even remotely cares if I'm down there or talks to anyone, is you?"

I exhale, knowing he's right and we're celebrating a lot of things today because that's what my sister and Ming wanted, why they asked people to not bring them presents, even though they know some of us got them presents no matter what they said, because we're supposed to be celebrating not just their awesome birthdays but how both our basketball and football teams beat Woodcrest Academy High this year, something that hasn't happen in a long time, both basketball teams and the football team are undefeated, basketball practice is over as of last week, my sister and friends don't have to be around Miranda again until next year when their games start, my sister and Ming got to go back to help Ms. Lola, Lauren got to go back to her job at the afterschool program at that elementary school, and today we only invited people we like, our friends, and say, "Well, no matter what you think Huey, I think everyone downstairs likes you a lot because they know you're an amazing friend and you're fun and can talk about things some people never think about, and I do really care if you're down there because it makes me happy to see you there, so come down and talk or don't talk but you are eating two more veggie burgers."

I feel that face leave my hands, feeling him kissing me, kissing him back, not really wanting to go back downstairs, and hear him day, "Fine, two minutes."

I nod into that mouth and feel him squeeze my butt, tasting that tongue, trying to remember stuff, like adding that extra tomato to those hamburgers I'm going to make him downstairs.


I hear that sound, look over at the gate, see him walking in, see him wave, and nod at him.

I see him put those boxes down, not seeing a point in them since I just finished that third hamburger with that extra tomato she added for me half an hour ago, and hear Sarah thank him.

I turn back to my book and continue reading on the subject of this religion, having lost interest in the conversation when it wasn't about our community, the state of the nation being in ruin, utter fucken ruin, or if it wasn't about making sure her and her sister and friends are safe.

And I hear her say, "So I like them, I do, some, but I just don't like how they talk."

I hear the laughing and hear that voice I'll be going to sleep to tonight say, "So that's why even though they look you don't even talk to them?"

Atrocities were done by many people behind religious beliefs, political aspirations, but not as much or as many as the one religion that is the reason we view all other religions and cultures as only understandable when compared to the white man's religion. We compare all religions to that one, the one that overwhelming caused the killing of so many.

I hear them talking and hear that girl from their basketball team continue, "I mean I get it. They think I like when they talk like that but I don't, and just because I play basketball doesn't mean anything. And now I'm at a school where they don't know what to make of me because I'm black, I talk like I do, and I'm just too white for them."

I feel my eyebrow rise, exhale, and hear my brother say, "Ain't never thought I hear that shit. So you saying you black but too white for the white kids at this bullshit school?"

I need to possibly go back to the history of Romans to start to review the early history of both religions.

And I hear that girl say, "Yes."

I hear them laughing, shaking my head, and hear that voice next to my ear, trying to relax damn it, say, "Bestie, one more minute and then break time okay?"

I exhale, giving her my answer, and continue reading, knowing I can start in the era when the Romans made Christianity the empire's official religion, seeing as that would have me start at the point where Christianity, long after Black Jesus was born and died, was formed and had it's fumbling with gospels that were not based on the historical accuracy of Black Jesus at all, not by a fucken long shot, and hear that guy, Gerardo, ask him what he's doing here.

I look up, making sure I know who is at every point and time in this yard, and hear that delivery guy who delivered the pizza say he's working.

I hear the Spanish, knowing that culture tends to have large families predominantly because of their strict, if not idiotic and pointless, following of their Catholic doctrine which does not believe in birth control and encourages them to have many children, many times leaving them in poverty along with my community and the other poor and disadvantaged of this great country, and hear Cindy ask him if he wants to hang out after he gets off of work.

I go back to my reading, knowing I'll start in that era, specifically the third century, two hundred and eighty years after Black Jesus was born, which was not in Nazareth like the bible says but rather in, and I see that hand fold the corner of the page I'm on, and see her close the book.

I exhale, letting go of the book, feel that kiss on my cheek, feeling my smirk, and feel her take the book out of my hands.

I inhale, looking over at her, seeing those hips walking away with that book on the history of Islam, a brief history of the prophet, his followers, the regions they conquered after his death and the expanding of his followers' political aim taking with them their religion across the middle east and Europe.

And I exhale, seeing her walking into their house, not caring if it's Allah, or Black Jesus, or any of them, if they were real or not, even if a man named Jesus who was black lived and died, as long as I keep having that hope I feel right now, that warmth, the possible lightness she creates at times, possibly when I feel relaxed knowing she's safe, everyone that means anything to me is safe, because that fucken disgusting piece of shit made a purchase at another liquor store in New York this morning, will probably continue to be on one of his benders for days, watching her smiling at me walking back from her house, no longer carrying that book, hearing the talking that I'm not interested in. And I see those hips finally get to me, see her sit down next to me, and I put my arm around that back, holding on to that hip she lets me hold on to, seeing her smile at what Gerardo possibly said and she says, "So Ronnie's your cousin? Of course he hang out, I mean, it's gonna be so cool if he can come back after he's done working."

I exhale at her making friends for her own Jazmine reasons and hear her sister say, "Shit, 'course his ass can come kick it, he's cool as fuck, we just ain't saving any pizza for his ass and he can eat burgers cuz he probably tired of that shit. Man he probably so tired of that pizza his ass be happy with some of that veggie meat burger my sis and big bro be eating."

I exhale and hear myself say, "It's not that damn bad," and feel my eyebrow rise, seeing that face turn to me, feeling my damn smirk, seeing that smile with those freckles covered in that blush, possibly because we said the same thing at the same time, of course without Jazmine cursing because it's her, and hear the laughing from our friends.

And I see her start laughing like that, like she laughs when she's possibly happy, and know I'm not doing any more reading tonight, behind my closed door, with those legs holding me, because I'm selfish, do not necessary want her focused on anything else but talking to me, and next weekend we can focus on other things that matter.


I see those cute tired eyes and she says, "So after she gets home do they still play after, like does she go back to fly on him?"

I exhale, remembering that call on my sister and Ming's barbecue birthday party last week asking us if we could take care of them this weekend, how my sister and me said of course without even thinking about it, feeling my smile.

And I feel that happiness right now thinking they liked the movie that much that they haven't stopped asking all those awesome questions, even when we were making more cookies, and say, "Well, I don't really know but I think that probably happens since they were really good friends, and they never made the next movie to show what happens next, but I'm sure they do keep being friends and playing together."

I see that cute smile, see her nod, tucking her in, hearing that little snore from her little sister, and hear my sister say, "You draw real good Tam Tam, why don't you maybe, I 'on't know, draw it, what you think happens next?"

I see those tired eyes look over at my sister, remember that's something Lauren told us is good for little kids, art, any art, because it makes them feel smart and strong, and even helps their brain get bigger I read, remembering those programs that organization has for those little girls, little girls and boys that got stolen from their parents, and see that little face with that long straight hair all over it, a little cute face we're going to keep safe no matter what, doing whatever we can to make sure she's happy, making her watch anime with flying dragons and little girls that go to different worlds and have adventures with those dragons, and I see Tamera nod with her smile.

I exhale, happy we got to have fun with them all day today and we get to have them until tomorrow morning when their parents said they wanted to pick them up, remembering how this time we were even more prepared, and say, "Okay Tam Tam so the nightlight's on, we're leaving the door open by a little, and we're all going to be downstairs for a little bit, and you know what rooms we're all in and we're keeping the doors open so come get us if you need anything, no matter what it is, to go to the bathroom, water, anything, okay?"

I see her nod with that cute smile, remembering she woke us up last time to take her to the bathroom, see her close those eyes, and hear that voice next to me say, "And we leaving the light in the hallway on too, kay?"

I see that cute face nod, not opening her eyes, and hear her say, "I love you aunties."

I exhale, trying to not cry because I'm so happy, feeling that head on my shoulder, I think tired after reading that last story where Tia fell asleep but Tamera stayed up, see that cute face move into her older sister's shoulder, hugging her, feeling my smile, and hear that tiny voice say, "Bubbles and toys and oinkys and dwagons."

I exhale, trying to not laugh, hearing my sister moving, I think trying to not laugh out loud too, and inhale remembering that look I saw on his face when he picked up the phone, told us he needed to take the call and gave me that look, the one where he doesn't have to say anything to know he wants me to go downstairs as soon as I'm done, and I hear her whisper, "Let's go sis."

I nod, seeing my sister tuck Tia in a little more before feeling her head leave my shoulder, and I get up.

I walk up to the door, seeing that one loose half braid Tia tried to do on her, feeling my smile, and walk out, keeping the door open by a little bit.

We walk downstairs, walk into the kitchen, hearing the talking, and I see those dark burgundies look at me.

I walk up to him, hearing Riley telling my sister, inhale, feeling that tightness in my chest, and say, "Is he," and see chest come up to my face, feeling him hug me.

I exhale, hugging him back, and hear him says, "He's fine. They're keeping him overnight, more than likely for several days, I'm sure checking for all the effects of what happened tonight, but he's alive."

I exhale, nod, moving my hand over that back, knowing Huey, knowing he won't say it but he's just as scared, maybe even more scared than anyone, so much, knowing we all care about him a lot, and say, "Can we go see him?"

I feel those arms holding me tighter and hear Riley say, "Nah Jazzy, he gotta rest. Best he rest for some days befor' we go."

I nod into that chest and hear my sister say, "'We can keep little nieces for a minute if they need."

I smile and into that chest and say, "Yeah we can, days, weeks, I don't know, we'll take turns taking them to school and pop's and mom will help us."

I feel those hands on my back, going up and down, moving my face over that strong chest, and hear him say, "That's what we told them and they said they would appreciate if they can pick them up on Monday morning instead of tomorrow so they can be with him all of tomorrow."

I nod and say, "Of course bestie."

And I hear my sister say, "We not telling them right? They too little to be stressing 'bout shit like this."

I exhale, knowing how much she thinks about others, how much I love her, and hear Riley say, "Nah we ain't tellin' them, he's cool right now, and they ain't gotta worry or stress 'bout this, don't wanna fuck 'em up thinking 'bout folks dying and shit, too little for that."

I exhale, shaking a little, kissing that chest, knowing he was only five, I think Riley was four, when they lost them, their mom and dad, hearing my sister kiss Riley I think, and hear that voice say, "Let's go to sleep."

I nod.

Please Black Jesus, please, if I never ever get anything else in life, anything, it's okay, just please take care of him, please.


I hear him say, "He is, very well taken care of, but he needs to rest, his heart is being monitored, and," and I hear him stop.

I exhale, nod, feeling the pressure in my hands, and hear Monica say, "And Dr. Smith said other than that he's extremely healthy for a man his age, more so since he started taking better care of himself this last year, eating better, and started walking more when he takes them to the park to."

I inhale, hearing her stop, hearing my brother tell me to calm down, knowing I'm not biologically related to this man, I am not, and still, I feel this much, not trying to think about the inevitability of the man that's younger than him by ten years, I am biologically related to, and will eventually go through this, and hear her inhale.

I look over at her, see her eyes water, and see Frank put his hand on hand. I see her nod, possibly exhale, and hear Frank say, "When my father takes our kids to the park to walk, which he will continue to do after this because he is a healthy man, regardless of his few health issues, has lost some weight in the last few months since Monica changed his diet, takes his medication on time every day thanks to my wonderful wife who loves him and you two, so."

I inhale, hearing my brother possibly do the same thing, look over at Frank sitting in that chair Mr. Willis is usually sitting in when I get here, if he's not at home resting, and see Frank look at my brother sitting next to me and then look up at me, as I'm standing next to this drawer full of records I could not give two fucks about right now, and he says, "So I ask that you two please continue doing that, because I know it's not just that you two remind him to take his medication but he tells me about how when either one of you is not here, the other one always brings him water, not as a reminder but more of an order to take that medication, and then remind him to walk down and up the hallway while you watch him, and somehow, not necessarily caring how it is you do it, you both still manage to do all of your work and even help with some of the construction around here, so thank you, not just for that, but for helping me not worry as much, as selfish as that is."

I exhale, hearing my brother voice my thought when he says, "We do it cuz we want to and that ain't changing."

I see Frank look at my brother, possibly smirk, and he says, "I know Riley, thank you. And I know that's not going to change even if I asked you two to let him be responsible for his medication and his exercising because you two care about him and are just as stubborn as one another, which also helps me understand why I forget and could hardly care that you are both not actually part of his lineage."

I feel my eyebrow rise, see him look at me, see him nod, and he says, "Which is also why I must ask you for a favor."

I nod and hear my brother say, "Yeah we'll take 'em for as long as you need to take care of him. Cin and Jazzy said they take 'em half the week and we'll do the other half but knowing them two they probably just keep them and only let us see 'em on the weekends."

I exhale, knowing that's a good damn point and we'll have to force those two to actually let us help taking care of them every other day, and hear them start laughing.

I exhale, seeing Frank and Monica laughing, shake my head at the insanity at how they possibly cannot see pass taking care of others, taking care of him, this place, their more than noteworthy cases protecting, fighting for the underclass, the class above that one, the impoverished one, noteworthiness they do not acknowledge for themselves, see Monica smile at my brother, and she says, "Thank you Riley but no, we don't need you to take care of our babies any more than you did this weekend, where they came home so happy to have spent an entire Saturday and Sunday with their aunties and uncles, but we do need you to take care of some events because we are making him take a break, a very much needed break from everything, no matter what my dad says, I will not budge on this, I won't, and we'll have to leave everything to you two and Ms. Mary."

I walk up the desk, grab the notebook, a pen, writing it down, and say, "When are you leaving, are there any events we're not aware of, and I can stay overnight during the week while my brother," and hear them say, "Howie no!"

I look up at them, see them looking at me, and hear my brother say, "And I'ma stay overnight on weekends."

I see Monica turn to my brother and she says, "If I find out either one of you stayed here overnight when we now have three employees whose job that is or missed school for any reason other than being ill, and as your employer and a licensed attorney I will find out, I promise you swift action, and one of your jobs Riley will be making sure that does not happen and I trust you will ensure that does not happen."

I exhale, hearing my brother possibly swallow, hearing him stammer 'yes ma'am', see Monica smile at him, and she says, "Thank you, especially for also ensuring my youngest baby had so many bubbles and toys she hasn't stopped talking about it."

I hear my brother possibly exhale, hearing him say it was nothing, see Frank nod at me, possibly smile, and he says, "Great, first, per my father's request, no events will be cancelled other than the meetings I had scheduled for new possible donors and the meetings my wife was to attend to ensure some are not using the shelter for philanthropic respect while not actually helping the shelter, second…."

I nod, writing it down, knowing this is part of the work necessary for our people, our community, along with the disadvantaged, the poor, the underclass that comes out of jails and prisons, a huge population being blacks and browns, and know, based on some insignificant amount of hope I possibly have today, those statistics will change, hearing Monica ask my brother to show her what's in the storage room and take a notepad to write down things she wants him to buy for the shelter, as I'm writing down the schedule of employees who already asked for days off, the events that need to happen, events that must happen to keep the doors of this place open, knowing that after that car crash I wouldn't have it any other way, hearing my brother walking out of the office with Monica, the brother that I have always, more or less, been proud of, who she speaks so highly of, writing down the people, companies, Frank is going over, people, companies, that will be here for those scheduled events, all work, work and drive necessary for that hope, that insignificant lightness, and know I'm crawling through her window tonight.


I hear that voice say, "I'm going on the weekends and helping and I better find work there for me."

I push up more, hearing her inhale, after having crawled through that window an hour ago, talking, again, letting her hug me that entire time for whatever unimportant reasons I had, and feel that squeeze with those strong thighs.

I exhale, wanting to go down to those breasts pressing on my chest to taste them, knowing I won't last if I do and she said she won't be quiet enough if I do. So I move over from that afro I was smelling, see that face with the dark Egyptian green illuminated by the moonlight in this dark room, and cover that mouth, pulling out, wanting to hear her say my name, more, having talked about all of it again possibly for forty five minutes this time, how worried she was, remembering her waiting there next to Monique's desk when I went to pick her up, waiting for me to tell her anything, pushing in, more, seeing that bun with some of that hair having been pulled out, possibly leaving strands of that blonde afro behind her in the nursing home, hearing her moan into my mouth, wanting to have tasted those folds but this is what she wanted, pulling out, feeling the shaking of my body, knowing I'm close, telling her everything on the way home, every way my brother and I will be able to help, hearing her ask my brother and I how she can help, not knowing she would still want to talk about it after I crawled through her window, pushing back into that warmth, that tightness that's going to make me finish too fucken fast, hearing that breathing in my ear, feeling that lightness in my stomach, again, telling her again, like I told her in the car, she can help by being Jazmine, knowing we're surrounded by these soft covers, not my cotton covers for some reason or another, so we need to be quiet, remembering that face when she opened that window as I reached that branch, saw her walk away to turn on the alarm to make sure she's safe, pushing back into that warmth, being safe, because she wanted to get those condoms, the right size with that thinner material that means nothing because I feel no difference, feeling that warmth, the tightness, knowing, like I know what family I belong to regardless of that dark place in my mind, I will never get tired of pushing up into that warmth, hearing myself say the truth. Fuck Jazzy, you make me happy.

And I feel her shaking, covering that mouth, feeling that release, wanting all of that warmth to eat at that dark place that will always be there, why I will always try that much harder to be more, even if I don't have to be more than what I am right now to her, breathing over that ear, feeling that soft cheek next to my face, hearing her say she loves me, and I go down to bite that smooth shoulder, feeling that shaking, feeling my curled toes, trying to relax even if I don't care to do so, licking that shoulder, and tell her I love her because I just fucken do.


I know my mouth is open and I should probably close it but I can't.

I hear her say my name, look over at that cute half ponytail hairstyle with those layers I still need to trim but we've all been so busy, nod, and say, "Okay Mimi."

I turn to the lady, smile at her, and see her smile at me. I look down at what Ming put on the table, trying to focus on that instead of thinking of how I'm still covering my shoulder from that bite he gave me on Monday or what I just saw, how cute it was, and see the tags on those two pretty lamps someone must've donated this week because I don't remember such pretty lamps. I grab the calculator, add the price for the two lamps multiplying it by the tax like pop's showed me, and say, "That's forty two dollars and forty cents with tax ma'am."

I see her hand me the money and I use the calculator again to figure out the change just to make sure I'm doing the math right.

I write everything on the receipt, open the box, moving the coin container out, put the bills inside the box, take the change out, and give her the change and receipt.

I see her smile and she says, "Oh sweetheart I don't need the receipt."

I smile and say, "Well I think you need it for taxes, I think because you donated even though I'm really not sure how that works, but thank you for buying these and helping the shelter, and Mr. Willis couldn't be here but he's going to be really happy when he sees how many people helped so thank you."

I see her smile get bigger and she says, "Well sweetheart you tell Mr. Willis that this city, all us people that have lived here all our lives, just love what he does, how he helps these people and I'm buying these beautiful lamps for my daughter's new house, and I'll have you know I went and told my friends at my book club to come today."

I smile, feeling so happy, and nod, hoping I remember to tell Mr. Willis about everyone that said something nice about him. And I see the lady get closer to me, feeling my eyebrow rise, and hear her whisper, "And I just wanted to ask if that sweet girl that helped me right now has a nice young man in her life or if I can bring my son to introduce him to her later today."

I giggle, knowing everyone keeps asking about all my friends because they're that nice and so pretty, nod, and say, "Yes ma'am she has a boyfriend."

I see her exhale and she says, "Well darn, some boy was smart enough to sweep her off her feet. We'll either way you tell Mr. Willis that Mrs. Wilkinson was here, invited all her friends from her book club, and know, specially after how sweet that young girl was, I'm gonna just get on my phone right now and see where all my friends are and why in the lord's good name aren't here."

I smile and say, "Thank you very much Mrs. Wilkinson and yes I will let Mr. Willis know."

I see her nod with her smile and hear that voice say, "Do you need help with this to your car Mrs. Wilkinson?"

I look over, smiling at that half ponytail, and hear Mrs. Wilkinson say, "Oh sweetheart just makes me wanna call my son right now, but yes, if you can help me that would be nice. It's that big white godly car out there my son bought me that I just can't drive."

I see that pretty eyebrow rise, I think confused about what Mrs. Wilkinson said, making me giggle, see her nod with her smile, and she says, "Yes Mrs. Wilkinson."

I see Ming grab the lamps and follow Mrs. Wilkinson out the backyard to the front.

I exhale, seeing the side door close, feeling the bright sun, and look up at the sky, happy I put sunblock on today, sunblock that they reminded me to put on today.

I look over at them and smile seeing my sister and friends all helping, showing people the furniture, the clothes, old movies in those VHS videos, CDs, kitchen stuff, so much we had in the storage room, and everything we're trying to sale, even things I've never seen, like big dining room tables and sofas that I think where all in the extra storage room the shelter has a few blocks down the street where the shelter keeps big things and extra old boxes with bills Huey said.

Huey.

I look over at him, feeling my mouth open, seeing it again, how cute it is, I think feeling my heart get a little big and wanting to laugh at the same time, seeing him standing there with Ms. Mary and those people from those companies that brought stuff or bought stuff with Ms. Mary answering questions and Huey only answering when they ask him anything. And for some weird reason I start remembering all those times he went on TV and made speeches about Grandad and Thugnificent or about Riley or about not wanting to eat to stop people from watching BET, how that made a boycott on BET happen, I think that's what the news called it, a boycott where people stopped watching BET for a little bit, and all those times I saw him on TV not believing that was my best friend and he was doing those things, on TV, where I would get embarrassed and run away, like that time that TV show interviewed me so Grandad could get them to construct an extra living room or a bigger backyard, I don't really remember, but I remember him telling me that day that the tooth fairy didn't exist and me defending myself, telling him the tooth fairy did exist. I exhale. I think that was the first time I did that, defended myself against anybody. And I feel my smile, seeing him look away from the cameras, I think uncomfortable, even if no one else can see it but me, and I feel my eyes open, remembering. And I know it'll help him.

I look over at that long Dutch braid, that light make up she's wearing today in that small baby blue t-shirt and loose faded blue jeans reminding me of our mom, and see her writing on that list again, feeling my smile because she's keeping track of what the shelter is selling because she said I couldn't do that and take care of the money too.

I exhale at how much she loves me and say, "Sissy?"

I see those blue eyes look at me, see that pretty smile, and see her walk up to me.

And I see those arms open and feel her hug me.

I exhale, hugging her back, and hear her say, "Yeah Jazzy boo?"

I giggle at how cute she is and say, "I wanna go to the kitchen. Can you take care of this just for a little bit, please?"

I feel that kiss on my cheek and hear her say, "Go. I'ma stay right here and I can do ma job from here too."

I nod and say, "I love you."

And I hear her say, "I know Jazzy."

I laugh, feeling her let go of me, see that pretty smirk, and walk around her.

I walk around the table, see her, walk up to her, and hug her from behind, hearing her giggle. And I hear her say, "My Hiro and Caes are out there bringing more stuff in another company brought and I'll help when they come in."

I exhale, hugging her harder, not knowing so much about her until a few weeks ago, when we spent that day playing in her swimming pool. That morning we talked to her dad for a little bit before he went to work, hearing him tell us how smart she is, how much her and her mom know about his business, how much they help him on the weekends sometimes, a business where he sells furniture at a warehouse where he has to tell his workers how much the new furniture they get from other companies is worth and then they sell it there for less to other people, other companies.

I kiss her head, hearing her giggle, and say, "Best price person ever."

I hear her laugh, feel her nod, feeling happy she's here, remembering we all have to talk alone about so much soon and not just by text, and say, "I'll be back, my sis is taking care of the money okay?"

I feel her exhale and hear her say, "Jazzy you don't have to tell us every time, you're the second in charge so just tell us what do to."

I exhale, hugging her, remembering Ming saying something like that on Thanksgiving when Ashley was here, but Ashley's not here, and we're all friends, and say, "No Laurie, I'm just helping, like you and my sister and Mimi, and Caes and your Hiro and Riley that are all taking care of the furniture and moving it around, and we're a team okay?"

I feel that kiss on my arm, making me smile, and say, "Okay, I'll be right back."

I let go of her, walk around her, open the door, and walk into the shelter and into the hangar.

I look around at how big the hangar really is, thinking about how much work it's going to be. Maybe I can come help. I mean I did tell him I wanted to help on the weekends.

I feel my smile thinking about that soft afro, walking down the hallway, and hear something, I think people talking. I pass the hallway where the storage room is, getting closer to the kitchen, hearing people talking for sure, hoping Tamera and Tia are having fun with him, really hoping he's okay. Please have him have a lot of fun with them Black Jesus, so much fun, please. And I think I hear something else, walking into the kitchen, and stop.

I know my mouth open and I should probably close it, so I turn to the fridge, open it, take it out, and hear that voice say, "Why are you here?"

I exhale, close the fridge, take the lid off, lean over the table, open the microwave, and put it in.

I hear her ask me that again, entering the minute to heat it up, turn around, and remember I wanted to get some wipes to clean the tables and have them out there so people can use them to clean their hands. I walk out of the kitchen, down the hallway, and hear her call me that again.

I exhale, trying to calm down because she doesn't matter, I don't even care what she calls me because I know who I am, no matter what anyone else says, because I know who my grandma, my mom, my great grandma, who they are, no matter who calls me that, walking down the hallway, hearing her behind me, and hear her say, "I'm talking to you half white girl thinking she's black so look at me."

I inhale, turn around, and step up, seeing her look at me, and say, "What do you want because I don't need to talk to you, not about anything, why I'm here, and why I just saw half your butt when you two can do that stuff at your house, your apartment, where you invite guys to have sex with you."

I see her inhale, stepping up, and I crack my right wrist, feeling my smirk, knowing I'm going to drag her out by that shiny hair, and hear him say, "Hey, what you doing? You wanna get my ass fired?"

I exhale, seeing her squint her eyes at me, and she says, "I just want to know why you told me to come here to see you when you know I don't want to see this little girl."

I exhale, feeling my smirk get bigger, knowing Huey would be proud when I say, "But you're the one that likes having sex with guys that are my age, so who's the little girl?"

And I see that hand, that fist, come up, and I grab it, feeling that fist I'm holding that's shaking, feeling that pressure in my hand, feeling my eyes get big, remembering all that training, the times the guys told me there are going to be girls, people, that are faster and stronger than the people at school and I need to be faster and stronger, seeing their fist get to my face right before stopping, hearing them tell me to be faster, to watch Ming, knowing she's the fastest one with moving out of the way or grabbing their hands because of all her kickball training when she was little.

But I am fast, at least faster than this girl thinks I am, feeling her pushing into my hand, holding on to that fist, squeezing it a little, hearing her inhale, and hear Cairo say, "Let her go Jazzy, I'ma take her."

I see her eyes get big, feeling that fist leave my hand, see her turn around, and before I can tell him to not call me that because only my friends can call me that I hear her yelling at him about being with her and not with me.

I turn around, walking down to the office, remembering why I'm here, why we're all here on this Saturday, and say, "Cairo if she makes a scene here it will get back to Mr. Willis."

I take out the keys from my pocket, unlock the door, and walk into the office. I grab that wipes in the bucket, look around, making sure everything still looks the same, like it did when I checked it half an hour ago because Huey said we should be doing that with so many people being here today, and I turn around.

I walk out, locking the door with the keys I need to make sure to take care of, put them back in my pocket, and start walking down the hallway again, not seeing them.

I get closer to the kitchen, hearing them quieter now, roll my eyes, and hear Cairo say, "And you know she knows you mix too right?"

I walk into the kitchen, see them standing by the sink with her not on top of his lap with half her butt showing, walk up to the microwave, and open it. I grab the cup, put the cover on it, and close the microwave.

I turn around, walking to the hallway, and hear her say, "I'm not mix, I'm black."

I walk out of the kitchen, walking down the hallway, not caring, because no matter what, she's black, a woman of color, and I don't care how black she is because I know I am.

I pass the storage room, happy no matter what because a lot of stuff was already bought and the money is going to go to the people that stay here, people and little kids, little kids that sometimes stay here with their parents just for some days and then leave to a place where they can live, or people that don't have kids or don't live with their kids that are waiting to get into one of those places Huey told me where they can stay if they're trying to not do drugs and drink, I think a half-house or half-way house. I exhale, knowing I am going to come help with the hangar because I'm really lucky that I can help them, the people and kids that stay here. And I turn into the hangar and see that jacket with that patch.

And I feel him kiss me.

I exhale, kissing him back, feel him move way, opening my eyes, seeing that face, and he says, "It only takes three minutes to check the office, what took you so long?"

I feel my smile, seeing how beautiful he is, not really believing he's my boyfriend still, sometimes, not really, and say, "I wanted to warm up the tea I brought you because you looked stressed and," and I feel him kiss me, feeling that tongue push into my mouth, tasting it, tasting that sandwich I made him eat an hour ago, those jalapenos I like on that tongue, feeling that hand on my hip I think, just like that night he bit my shoulder, trying to not think about it, remembering all of it again, how he said he loved me that night in my bed after he told me again that Mr. Willis is okay, that he really is okay even if he had a stroke, feeling that soft afro with my hand, after talking about how they were making him take a vacation, they needed him and Riley to do a lot here while they were gone, making love in my bed after he crawled through my window, talking, feeling him making love to me, and tell him I love him so much, and hear a voice say, "You done?"

I feel him move way, wanting so much to kiss him again, getting annoyed, a little, opening my eyes, bringing my hand down from that warm afro, seeing those eyes looking over my head, and he says, "Hardly, why is she here?"

And I hear that inhale and hear that woman say, "Because I was invited to come see where my boyfriend works and where our community needs people like us here where they'll see us and will want to get help, and not see white and Asian girls, mix girls that don't need to be here."

I inhale, feeling that hand going under my sweater, on my skin, see those eyes look at me, and he says, "Ms. Mary wants my girlfriend and her sister to answer questions for those reporters that have to do with the construction in the backyard, specifically why it's important, and you answering those questions will possibly give me minutes away from them, so if you can," and I go up, kissing those soft lips, hearing that inhale behind me, not caring.

I move away, see those eyelids doing that thing again, feeling my smile, and say, "Yes, I'll go with my sister and help with those questions, the office looks okay, I'm taking wipes outside for the people that are here and to clean the tables, and I want you to drink this in the office because I know you still need to do some billing stuff, and I'll tell them you're busy."

I feel that kiss, remembering how fast he is, feel him move away, opening my eyes, see him look over my head, and he says, "I only ask about her because she's in this building where she has no reason to be unless she needs to use the restroom and there are too many people here today for Ms. Mary and myself to deal with people being in here that have no business being in here, unless of course they work here or are volunteering, which as far as I saw on the schedule this morning, she is neither of. And furthermore, any problems she starts here will affect your employment, now take care of that instead of asking me if I'm done with anything and then finish your work, the work you didn't get to this week because you asked for time off, work I told other employees to not finish for you, and only after you finish that work come see me or if you choose to leave tell Ms. Mary, not me."

And I see him come down, feel him kiss my forehead, making me giggle, feeling him take the cup from me, the keys out of my pocket, and see him walk around me.

I exhale at his cuteness and walk to the door of the hangar, missing that hand on my stomach a little, and hear Cairo asking that woman to just hangout outside with everyone else. I roll my eyes, wanting her to just not start problems because my sister and friends have other work they're focusing on.

I walk out and seeing Ms. Mary smile at me, I feel my whole face go red, remembering what Huey told me they want my sister and me to do.

I exhale, remembering that courage I think I have, look over at her, see her take that money from a man buying that nice chair Riley was fixing in the office when I came for Huey's break this week, and feel her hug me from behind.

I look over at her, see that pretty smile, and she says, "Your afro already told us and I'ma go take over for Cin bear and you two go."

I exhale, feeling that nervousness, see her smile get bigger, and she says, "Just be Jazzy, our big sis okay?"

I nod, trying to remember that, see Ming walk over to my sister, and see her say something to my sister, seeing my sister get completely red.

I giggle, seeing her look over at Ming with those big blue eyes, remembering my sister also doesn't like a lot of attention, remembering for some weird reason right now that when she was little she did like attention at games, but I think she stopped liking it as much, I think when she started getting quiet, I think when those people she lived with started leaving her alone a lot, and I walk up to that red face.

I get to her, put the wipes on the table, and see her turn to me. I smile at her and say, "Come on sis, I need you for this and I think they want to know why this is important and you're really good at explaining that okay?"

I see her nod with that red face, remembering what Ming just said, and say, "And I'm the big sis and I'll be there, okay?"

I see her exhale with her smile, see her walk around the table, and feel her grab my hand, pulling me to those cameras, trying to relax.

We start walking over to Ms. Mary, see her smile at us, making me smile like she always did when I was little, and making me think of Ms. Lola a little, how warm she is, another black woman I want to grow up to be like one day, so many women of color I look up to, just like my mom, no matter what people see when they look at her.

We get to her, remembering how nervous I am, and she says, "Now I told the news reporter when she asked why there was so much construction back here what it was for and that you two were the ones that suggested the new playground for the children around the neighborhood and any that stay here, and they want to ask you questions about that."

I nod, knowing my face is so red with that camera there, and hear a voice say, "Thank you for this girls, now please let's start with how old you are, your names, and how you help here at the shelter."

I exhale, turning to the reporter, remembering she's the same one that was laughing with Mr. Willis, feeling those eyes on us, those men from those companies that stopped talking and are looking at my sister and me, and hear my sister say, "Wells ma big sis here is my Jazzy but no one out there better call her nothing but Jazmine or I'll kill 'em, I'm the one and only C-Murph, we both sixteen, and we volunteer doing whatever's they got us do when Mr. Willis and Frank and Monica, who run this shit, let us help, you can bleep that shit if you want, bleep all I say, don't care, now, what else you wanna know?"

Oh my Black Jesus.

I turn to her and hug her, laughing, loving her so much when she does this, not caring because she belongs to me and mom and sometimes Riley and whoever she wants to belong to, loving her so much right now like she is, not wanting her to change ever, I think hearing the reporter laughing with Ms. Mary, and remember where we are.

I let go of my sister, turn to the reporter, see her laughing, and say, "Like my little sister said, we're sixteen, volunteer here, and today my sister's been making sure we know what's being sold and for how much because we need to know how much money will go to the people that come here because that's what Mr. Willis said."

I exhale, happy we all got to see him for a little bit yesterday at their house, when Huey took us all after we got home from work, seeing that he looked okay, after not seeing him for almost a whole week, when he had the stroke last week on Saturday, was in the hospital until Wednesday, got home that day, and they were all leaving on Friday. And I saw that he did look okay, he looked happy I think knowing we were all going to be here today, seeing Mr. Willis smile when Huey told him everything went well with the guys that came this week to look at the hangar to take measurements, hearing Monica and Frank telling Mr. Willis that they didn't want to stress him and wanted to wait for Huey to tell him himself after he had gotten home from the hospital, Riley, my sister, and me telling him with help from our friends we were going to try to sell as much as we can today to get more money for the shelter, and by the time they were back everything would be taken care of, that Ms. Mary would be here in the day with the people that work here during the day, Huey and Riley would be here every day after school and Saturdays, Ms. Mary would be here on Sundays, and the guys that stay here at night said they would make sure to not take days off until they're all back, because everyone cares about this place.

And I hear my sister say, "Laurie butt get over here cuz news wants to know why playing and shit good for little kids and Mimi's you get over here too cuz they wanna know how exercising good for them growing strong and whatnot, like your kickball days, both your asses get over here!"

I turn to the table, see both of them behind it, taking care of writing down what's being sold and charging people, and see Hiro moving them both over to us with Riley getting behind that table, seeing Ming and Lauren getting so red I can't help but start laughing, hearing my sister and Ms. Mary laughing, knowing this day is getting way better.


I can feel that fucken headache getting worse, knowing it started the moment she walked away, usually, always, when she walks away is when things start to go worse.

Shit. I crack my neck, going back to that account, reading the account number again, the second account, and click send, hearing them.

I exhale, not caring as long as I don't have to hear it because if I can hear it there's a possibility others will too and that could ruin the reputation of this shelter as a sanctuary for those wanting to get away from the violence and sex on the streets, and regardless of how close that Jazmine head and I have been to that, there was no one, donators, news reporters, in the backyard when we were kissing and she had those legs on me while I was sitting on that pointless empty box we were going to throw out anyways. Those thick long legs I haven't had around me since Monday night. Focus Huey.

And I hear it again, exhale, get up, not wanting to deal with this after that fucken idiot out there kept looking at her, knowing my brother and friends are out there with her, she's more than capable of dealing with fucken idiots like him even if I won't ever say it out loud or she might get dizzy dancing in circles, and I was only going to need twenty minutes at most.

I walk out into the hallway, see them, and say, "Leave, take your break, I don't fucken care, just go."

I turn back to the office, knowing I still have several bills to pay, and hear her say, "What? Are you jealous you don't have a real one?"

I exhale, wanting to end this now, and say, "I won't disrespect you, not only because you're a woman, but more so because you're from the community, go through discrimination on a daily basis and because you disrespecting her makes me see how immature you are, when you are not completely black yourself, now go, both of you, I'm done, I have more to do than to deal with you two acting like hormonal teenagers here."

I start walking back, wanting to leave now, go home, have that bouncy ass sit on my lap, and turn on CNN or NBC or any other news report because I just fucken want to, and hear her say, "I'm not immature and I am," and I say, "Fine, just go."

I get to the door, hearing him say something pointless, and say, "One thing, say one damn thing, I don't care what it is, and you will be out of a job until they come back, I will do all of your work myself, including my work even if that means spending the night here as long as I don't have to deal with you, now you have one minute to leave for your break, figure out why the hell you're here today, and come back, or don't, I don't fucken care."

I get to the office, walk in, shutting the door behind me, and inhale, hearing the slam. Shit.

I exhale, hoping that wasn't loud enough to be heard outside, and walk back to the desk, sitting down in front of the laptop, feeling my body going into the chair, possibly, maybe, tired, some, and feel my smirk, seeing part of that desktop.

I close the website and see that background she saved, a picture she took weeks ago on one of those nights we were on that hill, Woodcrest, downtown, remembering her saying she wanted to always remember that night because it was that night I asked her if she wanted to go see him again, Shabazz, feeling that headache possibly subsiding, remembering putting my head between those two buns, feeling her going under me, into my chest, while she took that picture, those buns that smell like that shampoo she uses, those buns she's had since she was at least ten, when those kids, those fucken kids, were saying those things to her, spewing those lies, not having known about any of that until much later, too late, the names they called her, knowing part of my job here is to help in keeping it running as smoothly as possible for girls like her, boys, black and brown boys and girls, the ones that do and do not fit into one specific category like this country tries to make them fit into with those fucken categories, African American, Latino, Native American, Asian, categories that do not fit every person in this country but are still used to remind those people of what they aren't, what they will always lack, and open that spreadsheet, being reminded again by those buns of all the work that still needs to be done for my people, our community, for now, by paying the next bill for this place.


I really don't how much things like this cost so I ask, "So is this expensive?"

I see him look at me, see his eyebrow rise with his smirk, and he says, "Do you mean the paint or the labor from an attorney who cannot beat a young girl, possibly three times younger than him, at painting?"

I start laughing, not knowing he could be so funny, reminding me of someone but not really remembering who, and say, "I guess everything Mr. Samuels, you know, the paint, all the people here helping, everything."

I see him smile and he says, "Well that's more of the contractor's expertise but I'd say, just calculating the size, the amount of workers." I see him stop, see him look around, see him look back at me, and he says, "At least five, maybe seven thousand."

I feel my mouth open, remembering the purse that girl in Chicago had, the one that you could sell to buy the shelter new blankets and sheets and food for several months, knowing that's like two of those purses, and say, "That's a lot of money."

And I see him start laughing and can't help but start to laugh with him.

Then I hear a phone ring.

I see him take out his phone, see him inhale looking it, see him look at me with a small smile, and he says, "Please excuse me Jazmine."

I nod and say, "Yes Mr. Samuels."

I see him put the paintbrush down, see him walk away, putting the phone to his ear, and feel my smile that he's actually nice.

Then I hear that voice.

I turn back to the wall and keep moving my hand up and down, only moving my wrist, one coat, then another coat, and hear someone pick up that paintbrush.

I keep moving my wrist up and down, "flicking" my wrist like my bestie told me, and hear him ask me that.

I exhale, remembering what mom says about not being rude, and say, "School's great, thank you for asking, and I am learning a lot."

Simple sentences, normal, simple, three word sentences mom said, and hear him say, "Do you still volunteer at the nursing home as well?"

I nod and say, "Yes I do."

Flicking my wrist, up, down, up, down, and hear him say, "I would like to take you to dinner."

I inhale and say, "No thank you."

I hear him say, "And why is that? Do you have better prospects?"

I inhale and say, "Mr. Lexington I think I told you that day my boyfriend," and he says, "I understand that but that does not mean you should close yourself off to better, more successful and accomplished, prospects."

I inhale, not wanting to hear this, put down the paintbrush, and I turn around.

I see the workers in those uniforms from that company, knowing I still need to finish this place but I haven't taken a break I think in hours, and I haven't seen him in a while.

I walk over the paper and hear him say, "I'm only asking that you consider it, it's only one dinner, nothing more."

I inhale, walking around him, and walk over to the hallway.

And I feel my smile coming back seeing that tall boy and exhale seeing him talking to them, two of the guys that stay here at night, and know he's busy, he's been busy, I can see how tired he is, and I've been checking the platforms, the emails from the Black Lives Matter organizations, the organizations I emailed, and there's two posts I want to ask him about but he's stressed, and Ming said she's waiting for Caesar to text her back because he's busy helping pop's at the store today, and I know I could text mom about those posts but she's taking a day off today from work, any work, and I don't want to ask her either. And he needs tea, I know it. He needs tea. Oh my god Jazmine.

I look around, see her talking to the manager of that company again, and walk over to her.

And getting to her I see Ms. Mary turn to me, see her smile at me like she has all day, reminding me of how happy I am to see her here so much after she had stopped working here for so long, and she says, "Yes sweetheart?"

I smile and say, "Ms. Mary I'm not done with that part that I was gonna paint but I wanted to leave for a little, just fifteen minutes for a break, so I can get," and she says, "Baby go, you've already painted and helped so much today, your sister and Riley too, and you and your sister are just volunteering so you can leave anytime."

I exhale and say, "Ms. Mary I still wanna help more and I still have that part of the wall to paint and the painters all have other places they're painting so I'll just come back in fifteen minutes okay, please Ms. Mary, please, please Ms. Mary, pretty please Ms. Mary, please," and she cuts me off with her laughing.

I smile, seeing her nod with her laugh, and she says, "Of course baby, just like I told the other baby that's digging up that plot back there with Riley, you go and come back, and I won't let a soul touch your work."

I exhale, happy, and say, "Thank you Ms. Mary."

I walk around her, hearing that manager ask about her again, after I told him she's sixteen and she's super busy with school, and hear Ms. Mary say, "Now I think I told you Mr. Rudeffer Cindy is working at her school and I'm sure her mother would not want her working for a big company right now no matter what position you give her."

I exhale, trying to not turn around because I don't like how he looked at my sister when she walked in from the back, when he asked Ms. Mary how old she was because he needed an assistant in his office, and know I will always protect her, walking out. I'll always protect her.

And I feel my eyes open, take my phone out, and text him I'll be right back, where I'm going, and to not worry, press send, and I bump into something.

I look up, see that kind of hurt look on his face, and ask him if he's okay. I see him smile at me with those eyes I'm trying to remember now, remembering someone they remind me of for some weird reason, like how funny he is, see him smile, and he says, "Yes I'm fine Jazmine. Are you leaving?"

I shake my head and say, "No, just going to the nursing home for a break."

I see him exhale with his smirk and he says "So you're taking a break by going down to the nursing home to help?"

I smile and say, "No, just going there to get something and maybe help, a little."

I see him exhale with his smile and he says, "She sure did raise hardworking girls didn't she?"

I smile, thinking about her, how he asked about her yesterday when they got here for the yard sale and I had told him she was at home resting with pop's, and when he asked again today I told him she's at home just resting, and I hear him ask me if he can walk me to the nursing home.

I smile, not knowing why I feel comfortable with him, kind of always have, like he's just a good person, and I nod.

We start walking and I hear a phone ring. I look over at him, see him look at his phone, see him exhale with that look, that kind of hurt look, and ask him if he's really okay.

I see him look at me, see him smile, and he says, "I am Jazmine but tell me, what universities are you thinking of applying to?"

I smile and start going over the schools I talked to pop's about this week, remembering pop's got accepted to some really big schools, schools I don't think I'll be accepted to, and hear him say, "Those are all great schools and I have some colleagues who attended and graduated from some of them before going to law school."

I smile, getting to that light, seeing it's green, and start walking.

I start feeling my cheeks getting warm, not really knowing why, and say, "I don't know, I really just want to travel, maybe when in I'm college or after, I just want to meet new people, lots more people, here in this state, or maybe other states, other countries, and just go meet people, and help them, I don't know, I just want to do that."

I hear him exhale and hear him say, "Smart girl but can I give you some advice on colleges at least?"

I look over at him, see those eyes looking forward, and say, "Yes Mr. Samuels."

I see him exhale and he says, "Don't go too far, far from family."

I nod, feeling my mouth open, I think remembering eyes looking at me, worried, and hear him say we're here.

I look forward, see those steps, feeling my smile, and say, "Okay, we'll thank you Mr. Samuels. I'll just walk," and hear him say, "As an attorney and a man that was raised well in the alleys of Brooklyn I'll wait and walk you back."

I look over him and say, "Mr. Samuels really it's," and he says, "Jazmine no. Please. And take your time, I have a phone call I need to make anyways."

I exhale, not sure why, maybe because he's always been nice even when he's asked about my mom, nod with my smile, and walk up the steps.

After seeing some of the residents, talking to some about awesome things, warm, awesome happy things, making sure they had towels and toilet paper, and almost, almost, telling those volunteers to be nice to the residents and go check on them when I walked into the kitchen and saw them their talking, flirting with each other, I finally walk out.

And I see him there still, still with that kind of hurt look, looking at his phone.

I walk down the steps, see him look up at me, smile at him, and he says, "Jazmine I need to ask you some questions but please don't feel the need to answer any of them."

I feel my eyebrow rise, start walking back with him, and hear him ask me if that's his first name or just a nickname.


I see those deep ocean black eyes, feel myself blink, and say, "What?"

I see her exhale and she says, "Yeah, that be his uncle."

I feel my eyes open, remembering him asking me those questions, only answering some that I was okay with, like how Caesar is Caesar's last name, didn't tell him what his first name was, and that he was sixteen, and went to my school, but nothing else, and then he said if he could give me his phone number to give to Caesar and tell Caesar to call him with an adult. But I didn't think it was about something this big.

And I hear my sister say, "Mimi's tol' you, you gots to talk 'bout this shit, that's why we're a crew, so tell us."

I see those pretty black eyes look at my sister and see her nod, remembering my sister texted us saying Ming wanted to tell us something today but wanted to say it to all of us at the same time.

I see Ming exhale, looking at my sister, I think getting that courage I think my sister gives people, and she says, "So last night him and Uncle Leo called that guy to see what he wanted, told them he thought they were related through you know, that asshole, and Michael hung up on him."

I see her exhale and she says, "Then, after Uncle Leo told him to not think about it, that they can figure that shit out later and right now he's gotta focus on finishing the semester, and if it's real they can get a test or something done to make sure, Michael called me."

I see her exhale, see her look at the floor, maybe remembering, looking sad, and she says quieter, "I listened to him, told him to just talk to me 'bout what he was thinking, told me 'bout that stuff, stuff that makes me wanna cry sometimes, but not with him cuz he don't need that, he just needs me to listen, I don't know, even if I cry, just listen, stay calm and not go off on anyone that makes him feel fucked up, and I told him that I'd support him in anything he wants to do, even if it was talking to that guy later or right now or never, don't matter, as long as he's happy, cuz I want him to be happy."

I see her inhale, looking at the floor still, see her blink, and she says, "And he told me, after talking to me 'bout that shit that asshole put them through, that just maybe he didn't wanna put that shit on this guy cuz he might be different, and maybe he'd call him, without Uncle Leo or anyone there, to just talk to him, and then we hung up, and I waited for him to call me back."

I see her exhale, see her small smile, and hear her say quieter, feeling myself move closer to her, "Called me back after half an hour, told me the guy wasn't even mad he'd hung up on him cuz he knew Michael might not be happy talking to him 'bout how they're related but still, they talked, and that guy told him he knew they had to be related cuz of the way they look, I guess, you know, what that asshole's side of the family looks like, we'll, only his grandma's side cuz that guy and that asshole only related by mom. And that guy, Mr. Samuels I guess, he said he even called that asshole, his brother, to ask him to send him a picture of Michael, I guess to make sure. 'Course asshole only had pictures of when he was a fucken baby but guess that was enough for him to know for sure. Michael told him that he knew that asshole was from Brooklyn and after he had left them for good he heard he went back to Brooklyn but hasn't seen him for a fucken long ass time, shit, since he was four, and he don't even remember him, only the fucken fights, all those fights, way he beat."

I see her inhale with those tears going down her cheeks now and I go in and hug her, feeling us all hugging her.

We hear her sniffle, feeling her nod, and hear her say, in between the sniffles, "Just makes me sad thinking he went through that, makes me sad a lot, thinking what his mom went through too and just thinking 'bout him being a little cute kid seeing that shit, not for sure knowing if I can help him through that, how fucken hard that had to be for him, hearing it, thinking about it, how I know that's why it hurt when she had to go, cuz he wanted to take care of her still, why he takes care of everyone, not like that fucker that was never there, how Michael calls his mom now for sure every time I call my parents to say goodnight, how I know she loves that, I just know, how she's so fucken nice and I'm so fucken happy she likes me, and I don't know if I can, if, if Michael, if."

And we hear her inhale, feeling her shaking, and hear Lauren say, "Mimi, you can, you can do this, all of this, okay, and we talk about this on Saturdays when the guys go to the store to get us candy and anything we want, and," and I hear Ming laugh a little in between the sniffles, and hear Lauren say, "And remember you've been through a lot too when you were little, went through things in your own life, so you're gonna know how to help him, you are, and that's all you gotta do, just help Caes, and trusts us because we trust each other."

I exhale, feeling Ming exhale, and say, "And remember Mimi, something really important, you can do this because he says you're the only girl that's ever called him that, ever."

I feel that shaking stop, hearing her giggle now, and hear that sweet deep voice say, "And a side note, now pop's gonna have to deal with some guy that sounds cool but still, some guy that might be hanging 'round and won't stop asking 'bout our mama and I think Mimi's you gonna have to get our bro one of them referee shirts."

I feel myself blink. Uncle Ruckus in that referee shirt. Caesar in a shirt like that. Oh my god.

And now we're all laughing, laughing so hard I'm moving away to hold my stomach, thinking about how funny Caesar would look in that shirt standing on a matt with pop's and Mr. Samuels about to wrestle or start boxing. And I hear them laughing with my sister saying she's imagining that too, laughing with them, remembering that she can always make our little group laugh, even standing here, with so many students looking at them, talking about this in our little circle, something sad but something we have to talk about because we love each other, laughing now, remembering how there are so many people in our little group that can make us all laugh, my sister, Riley, and Caesar.

And I exhale and say, "You know, yesterday when he was there helping, talking to him I did think he reminded me of someone, and I guess now I know who."

I hear them exhale and hear Lauren say, "Well since we talked about that and I want to see you smile again Mimi why don't you talk about what happened on Saturday that I know you wanted to talk about, something that's important too?"

I feel my eyebrow rise, knowing we talked about that other thing the other day, knowing they maybe did it again this weekend, seeing that pretty black eyebrow rise, and see her smile that big pretty smile at Lauren.

I see her look over at my sister and me with that smile and she says, "Almost forgot to tell you'll that…"


I hear my brother voice my thoughts with, "For reals man?"

I see him nod with that smirk and he says, "Yeah man. Going this vacation. Meet you there."

I feel my smirk and say, "You thinking about taking her after?"

I see him look at me and he says, "If she wants to, yeah, but right now just Chi-Town where she can meet my," I see him stop, see him look down, exhale, and he says, "My mom's."

I nod and say, "Congratulations."

I see him look up at me, see that idiot smile, and hear my brother say, "What for? Only meeting his mom. Shit, from what Cin tells my ass, she already likes your girl better than she liked any of 'em hoes she ain't ever get to see."

I exhale, hearing the snickering from Hiro, look over at my brother, see that idiot smirk, remembering he doesn't know Caesar as well as he thinks he does, and hear Caesar say, "It's alright Hu. Riley's right. I know that. They weren't all hoes but most, why I didn't do shit with them."

I exhale, looking over him, hearing the snickering turning into cackling, knowing his memory is just as bad as theirs, how numbers, not statistics, but numbers, mean little to him, and say, "Based on the ones I know of, it was thirty five percent, which means less than half, and not most, and still your mother likes her, enough she's coming from Jamaica to see her rather than Leo and you flying out there to visit her, your mother who you've said has a fear of flying, which is why I'm congratulating you."

I see his smile possibly get bigger, feeling slightly relieved for him, that after what he told us happened last night, regardless of how those calls ended, he has something to look forward to, not seeing anything peculiar about that attorney wanting to talk to Caesar after Jazmine told me, thinking it had to do with a job he had for Caesar, after she had brought me that tea, knowing I possibly needed that tea to continue helping Ms. Mary yesterday with coordinating the employees, that contractor, the workers he brought, and some fucken attorneys who were irritating me the more they kept staring at her.

I hear them talking about those plans, those plans, looking up at her, that blonde afro that continues to get a shade darker each year, something I possibly just noticed, that face that I kissed for all of five minutes in the garage, in the car, after my brother had left to give us privacy or possibly to go meet her sister, that bouncy ass that was sitting on my lap, holding that soft face, not remembering why the hell I wanted to see NBC or CNN, hearing her say she had fun painting and talking to Ms. Mary all day, helping my brother and her sister moving dirt over in the backyard, and talking to that attorney.

That attorney. I see those full lips say his name, how she's happy that Caesar's okay, that they'll be meeting us there, seeing that excitement in those greens, that jumping she's doing holding Lauren's hands, those soft hands that I sometimes, much of the time, hold, squeeze them, feeling her washing the greed and selfishness off my hands, those hands I got from that family in Chicago, because I cannot control that I am biologically related to them, very much in the same way he's related to that fucken piece of shit that beat his mother, hit him several times, times he chooses to not remember, just as he's related to that man, the one with that Brooklyn accent, based on the information he had on that piece of shit father and some pictures he sent him. And all of that means there is now someone here in Woodcrest that will possibly want to have some sort of communication with him, a relationship with him, and will be a remainder of that to him, like the reminders she must have of her piece of shit disgusting father. And there has been no activity through his or that woman's credit cards or bank accounts since last week, an entire weekend, which means he's either still on a bender, drunk somewhere on the street, in some alley, or planning, planning, seeing those hips that are jumping up and down again, that jumping she does, possibly excited about this vacation or anything, feeling that lightness in my stomach, and I get up.

I walk up to her, too slow, watching those lips move, getting to her, and grab that hand.

I see those greens look at me and hear Ming say, "Huey, afro that scares the shit outta that fucker for ma man, come on, just let us have her for like two more minutes, we're talking about female shit, you know shit you'll don't wanna know."

I look over at Ming, feeling my face fall, seeing her smirk, and say, "You all do know we know you'll be on your menstrual cycle in," and I feel that soft hand cover my mouth, feeling my eyebrow rise, looking over at those greens, and she says, "Bestie, it's one thing for you and the guys to know but the whole school doesn't have to know okay and I love you and I promise I'll be there in two minutes, promise."

I exhale, seeing that smile, feeling that excitement in that soft hand, and kiss it, because I want to, seeing that blush cover that face, as I'm bring that hand down, and say, "Five minutes, but get closer to us."

And I hear that loud damn voice say, "C-Murph you'll got two minutes and then I'ma bring your ass ova here!"

And I see those eyes open, see her look over at her sister, feeling her let go of my hands, and see her hug her sister.

And I see Ming and Lauren hug them, doing that thing they like to do, the touching and hugging, and see Cindy getting possibly as red as she did at the airport on our way back last year, hearing her possibly cursing, being reminded of what they were possibly planning.

I grab the skin with those lighter freckles on that lower back, under that purple shirt, hearing her inhale, and say, "Get closer, two minutes."

I turn around, see my brother standing by the table, looking at the girls possibly, and hear the cackling of those other two, shaking my head at my idiot trusted friends.

I get to the table, sit down, grabbing my book again, and hear Hiro say, "Yeah, my turn."

I exhale, looking at my book, knowing they're being watched by Hiro, possibly by my brother still, looking at this book, the one I will have to read through several times, and hear my brother say, "Hiro."

I exhale, knowing that damn tone, look up at my brother, see that smirk, and hear Hiro say, "Damn Riley, shit man, fine, but I'ma only bring you twenty cuz you still owe me from the fucken game."

I exhale possibly louder, see my brother turn to me with that smirk, feeling my eyebrow rise, knowing he is going to say something idiotic, and he says, "This on you McHater. Bet on you saying there be more than twenty-five before year ends so thanks man."

I exhale, hearing the cackling, remembering what I said about Caesar, the fact that I did say thirty-five percent of the girls Caesar saw were hoes, which is of course over twenty-five percent, hearing their cackling possible getting louder, knowing that's not a representative of the entire population, and I look back down at my book, shaking my head at their idiotism, some that doesn't give me headaches as much as it used to, feeling my damn smirk because there are many things that are coming up that do not give me headaches at all.


I see him pull into the driveway, knowing he has to be tired and have a headache, they both do, and say, "Okay, I'll see you tomorrow Riley and make sure to," and I hear him say, "Yeah, yeah sis, damn, rest and shit, same thing C-Murph tells my ass, just working some more hours, ain't a lot. See you 'morrow."

And before I can turn around and tell him working every day after school at the shelter and now on Saturdays too is a lot and he needs to eat good and sleep I hear the door shut.

I exhale, thinking about little annoying brothers I want to throw a thousand pillows at because I care about them, taking off my seatbelt, and feel that hand on my hand.

I look over at him, see him looking at the steering wheel, and say, "Bestie, come on, you need to rest and it's Wednesday so you're not training no matter what you say."

I see that cute smirk, feeling my eyebrow rise, and hear him say, "What else is it today?"

I exhale, knowing it's just Wednesday, almost the end of this crazy year at school, and we're all planning on so much fun for vacation, knowing it's June. June. June third.

Oh my god, it is today.

I feel my smile, taking my seatbelt off, jump on those legs, and stop, remembering he's tired and doesn't need me to make these jerky movements right now, seeing that cute smirk, that beautiful face, and say, "I'm sorry, you're tired, no jerky movements, and I know we already talked about it, how we're celebrating it this weekend, but I love you and happy anniversary."

I see him exhale, see that smile, trying to not kiss him right now because he's tired so he just needs little kisses, feeling him put those hands on my back, under my shirt, like he did on Monday in lunch, knowing I heard dumb girls say how cute he is, and he says, "I'm aware of that and that is still the plan but if we're going to."

And I see him exhale and he says, "Celebrate this, which I would consider over celebrating the day I was born, I would rather you prepare me like you're doing this week, telling me if we're going to do anything tomorrow or in a few days so I can be prepared but I still want to make sure you receive something on this day."

I exhale, feeling the tears, not caring, putting my face in that chest, that neck, kissing it, and say, "I don't want anything, just you."

I feel those hands hugging me, feeling him put his face on my shoulder, trying to go into his body, wanting to just feel him, smell him, how soft and strong he feels, how good he feels because he's such a good person, and hear that monotone voice say, "So you don't want the ticket under this seat for a lifetime membership to DuSable where you have access to the museum until midnight every night, every day of the year, and access to the storage units, five I believe, where they keep their overstock?"

I inhale, feeling my eyes get that size, the size of saucers, moving away from that neck to see that face, feeling those tears on my cheeks, seeing that beautiful face with that little light bulb in the corner of the garage, trying to understand those words, what he's saying, how much I want that even if we live here and I only go once a year, I want that so, so, so much, and he says, "And since I wouldn't want you roaming any place that late at night by yourself I purchased one for myself too, which means we'll both have to make use of those memberships, possibly going every year, several times while we're there, for as long as that Jazmine head wants."

I see him exhale, see him blink, and hear him say, "For as long as you want."

I blink, knowing those are the most romantic words I've ever heard because he said we can go together for as long as I want, as many times as I want, and I kiss him, nodding, telling him I want to go five times, ten times, when we're there, and I want to go all day, and I want to go to the storage units, and I want him there every day, forever.

I feel him inhale, feeling that hand on the back of my head, feeling him push me into him, feeling him kiss me so hard I know my lips are going to be chapped tomorrow, I think, not really caring, and hear him say, "Yes."


I feel the chair behind me, sit down, and thank him.

I see him walk around the table, and try to not stare at him, at those lips I want to kiss right now, seeing him in that black Calvin Klein really dark black, extra fit long-sleeve shirt, those black slacks, and those light brown dressy 'captain' shoes. And seeing him sitting down I remember last week when he asked me to pick a color for those shoes he's wearing, light brown or dark black he said, remembering looking at that website and saying the light brown ones looked nice. Then he closed the window on his laptop and asked me to read an email he had saved to check if it sounded 'precise.' I read it and understood it, even if it was a little long with some words I asked him to explain, feeling my smile remembering some of those case transcripts my mom has me read when my sister and I help her. I finished reading it, told him he missed one 'the', and felt him bite my neck. Then I gave him that massage and told him to go to sleep, just like I did three days ago on our anniversary, and now we're here.

And I see him look at me like that and I look down at the table because he's making me nervous with how he's looking at me now that I took off my cardigan, hoping this dress isn't too tight, and hear the waiter ask us if we want champagne.

I feel my eyebrow rise, look up at her, and say, "Um, no thank you, we're not twenty one."

And I see her look at me, see her eyebrow rise, and see her look at me like that, like I said something bad, rolling her eyes at me, seeing her look at Huey, and she says, "Would you like champagne tonight sir, it would be on the house?"

I exhale and say, "I said we're not twenty one and my boyfriend doesn't want any champagne."

And I feel that hand on my hand, see the waitress look down at our hands, and hear that monotone voice say, "My girlfriend's right, we are not twenty one, far from it, and we don't want champagne, we want two waters and a strawberry lemonade, and we would like another person to attend us, I do not want to explain myself, send someone else, I don't care who it is, just send someone else with those drinks and have them take our order, and if you ask why we will leave."

And I see her mouth open, see her exhale, and see her turn around, walking away.

I look over at him, see him looking at me, and he says, "I'm reminding you when we get home but right now I want to hear about your week, seeing as I've been too."

I see him stop, see him exhale, and he says, "Too busy to talk about anything that's not where we're going, what needs to be done, with the only exception being those five minutes three days ago, at which point you."

And I see him stop again, knowing he's tired, he really is, remembering our anniversary, feeling my small smile, and say, "I made you go to your room, made you lay down, gave you a massage like the week before, reminded you that my sister was there and we would walk to our house together, and then you woke up the next day, and did it all over again, everything you do, even training on Thursday after work. And every day it's been school, work, your emails, homework, doing all of that for two weeks this next Tuesday, working almost a full time job my mom said with how many hours you're working even with Riley helping you every day because you still get there earlier than him so you can make sure Ms. Mary can go home, and my mom even had to pick up Riley and me a few days because you were staying late again, and trust me Huey that my mom, us, me, we don't care about picking up anybody because you're working late again, but we care about you, I love you, so."

And I see those glasses being put on the table, hear that waiter apologize for the last waiter, and tell us to take our time with the menus, hearing him walk away.

I see those eyes blink, see that lighter burgundy knowing it's late and it should be darker but he's not getting enough sleep or maybe just not sleeping okay, and say, "So tonight we're not gonna talk about my week or your week because we both know how much we do, I know how really hard you work, and I wanna talk about what we're doing this summer to remind you of good things, all the good things in this world, not just the good things you do every day at the shelter and I get to help with at the nursing home, and then the emails you and my mom are teaching me to write the right way, where to send those emails and what we can ask for in them, but I wanna talk about how those little kids sent the organizations a letter, not an email, but a real letter, saying thank you, how that's gonna be one of those things we do this summer, so we're talking about that, no work, no school, just fun stuff we're planning, and then after that, after we get your veggie dish and I get that really good salmon croquette dinner I saw online, we're going home, your sleeping over, and you're sleeping in tomorrow because there's no one painting the shelter tomorrow, no more construction stuff, and Ms. Mary is going to be there tomorrow, Ms. Mary who was helping Mr. Willis for a long time before we started helping so she knows everything she needs to do and she's not Mr. Willis and will ask people to lift things for her so you don't have to worry about her lifting stuff because I know you do. Now when the waiter comes back I'm ordering your veggie dish with no salt because I know you're never okay with how much salt they put, I'll order my dish, and until then I want to hear you talk about fun stuff, okay?"

And I hear him say it, feeling my cheeks getting warm, that he likes going on dates with me and he'll take me on more, not knowing why that sounds so nice but knowing it does, and say, "I like going on dates with you too and we'll go on more when we can okay, now start bestie, any fun stuff you wanna talk about."

And I feel him rubbing my pointer finger, thinking that burgundy looks a little darker now, hoping it does, seeing that cute smirk, almost that half smile, and he says, "Fine, two weeks before we'll be…."

I smile, trying to remember everything he's saying, all of it, nodding, happy because I know for sure that burgundy is the right dark burgundy again.


I walk in after her, making sure to not stare at that pink dress any more than I have, turn back to the door, and close it. I lock the bolt, going through the process of keeping her safe, walk over to the alarm, and enter those digits, hearing the volts circulating. I exhale, possibly ready for that full night of sleep, and turn back to the kitchen, possibly, maybe, thinking about those covers that are too soft, and stop.

And I feel it, walking into that dining room, seeing those lights over her, the darkness of the room illuminating those lights, and look down to see that crown, feeling that lightness in my stomach.

I see that smile, smelling the air knowing that smell, knowing where it comes from, and see that blush on those freckles I'll be counting in the morning because I haven't done that in too long.

I see her exhale and she says, "So, I know you're tired, we're not staying up late but we did eat right now and we need to digest, at least that's something I learned in my health class, so I was thinking we could just have tea, it's warming up right now, some fruit I cut up earlier that's in the fridge, and just talk maybe a little more, if you want about work or anything, and then if you want we can watch CNN or the news because you haven't done that for a while."

I feel my eyebrow rise and she says, "No Huey you haven't okay, you've turned on the T.V., watched it, and then turned it off, and I know you like watching it when you can really watch it and think about the things they're saying, everything, and you haven't done that I know for almost two weeks now, so first we'll drink tea, eat some fruit, maybe you can tell me about work and school for a little bit because I know no matter what fun stuff we talked about at dinner you were still a little stressed about work and hopefully talking about it will help you not be so stressed, and I want you to open your present."

And I inhale, seeing her move the chair back, and grab something that was on that chair.

I watch her, in that pink dress, soft pink she said, a dress that's letting me see the entirety of those arms because she removed that sweater she had on when we walked in, reminding me of how fast she is, knowing she took off that sweater and turned on the microwave in those seconds I was keeping her safe, seeing that cross design on her chest, that well rounded chest, licking my lips, that small waist, showing me those hips, all the way down until it loosens at her knees, with those shoes in that style from our first date, remembering for some unimportant reason those string lights, tea, and fruit she surprised me with that night, a surprise that did not irritate me, accepting the fact that surprises from her do not irritate me, haven't irritated me for some time now, like the surprise of those string lights connected to the two adjacent walls in this room, those candles she also somehow lit, those empty cups waiting for that tea she's warming up, and those plates I'm assuming will be for the fruit, all on their dining room table, possibly things I did not see because she was waiting for me on her porch when I came to pick her up, and see those greens look up at me.

I inhale seeing that she looks happy, possibly, and she says, "Now open your," and I kiss those lips, bringing her into me, putting me hands on that back, grabbing that zipper I stared at far too little when she took that sweater off at the restaurant, when she showed me how tight this dress is, unzipping it, feeling that back, unclasping that bra, and tell her I'm aware we have the house to ourselves and she's coming the first time right here.


I put my face in that neck, smelling it, and say the truth, "I love how you smell."

I feel that pinch on my back, making me giggle, happy with everything, everything, specially having the house to ourselves tonight, knowing I was being loud, I think, and say, "I thought you were tired."

And I feel that pinch harder, inhale, and hear that monotone voice say, "Apparently not for this."

I move my face over that chest, kiss it, and say, "Well you do need to rest but will you open your anniversary present first please?"

I feel that chest move up and I look up at him. And I see that color in those tired eyes, that auburn I like so much, the one I want to see forever, and he says, "You didn't have to get me anything."

I feel my smile and say, "But I did get you something and you said we were gonna celebrate our anniversary for sure and you're letting me give you a present okay? Please?"

I exhale, wanting him to just let me, just this one time, like he always lets me for his birthday and Christmas, to just let me, and feel him kiss me, feeling him kiss my chin, closing my eyes, feeling that hand on my back moving down, and hear him say, "Hurry."

I nod, opening my eyes and getting out of the bed before he says no.

I hear that cute laugh as I'm running out of my room, running down the staircase, knowing I'm not wearing any clothes right now but my mom is with pop's at his house, my sister's at the Freeman house with her boyfriend, and no one's here but us, grabbing it from the table, not sure when I put it there, and run back up the staircase, and then I stop at my door.

Is he going to like it? Is this too much? Maybe he won't, and I see that door open.

And I feel my mouth open seeing him standing there, with no clothes, naked, trying to not look down even if I really want to.

And I feel him grab my hand and pull me in.

I feel those hands grab my hips, pushing me on the bed, feel myself sit down, and taste that tongue, trying to remember something I was doing right now, tasting that tongue, wanting to feel him again, everywhere, with his cock, his hard cock. Jazmine focus.

I inhale, pushing him back, seeing that annoyed cute look, remembering what I was doing right now, smiling at him, and say, "Bestie, please open it?"

Oh no. Jazmine why did you say that? Is it too much? Is he going to tell me he doesn't like it?

And I see those eyes look down at my hand, see him do that cute thing where he tilts his head looking at my hand, and I exhale, trying to get some courage, and open my hand.

I see that cute smirk, making me smile again, feel him grab it from my hand, and watch him unwrap it, biting my lip, excited, a little scared, hoping he likes it a little bit. And I hear him say, "You're showing me where you're keeping this excessive amount of brown wrapping pa," and I see him stop.

I look down and see the box, the little black box with the gold trim around it, and before I can say anything about me sending it back if he doesn't like it, I see him open the box, and I think I've stopped breathing.

I counted. Fifteen seconds. Breathe Jazmine.

I inhale, breathing I think, and say, "Huey if you don't," and I feel him kiss me, kissing him back, happy, happy he didn't close that little black box and tell me it was too much, happy he's kissing me, happy he's mine, feeling him pushing me on the bed.

I hear him put the box on my nightstand, feel him bite my neck, sucking on it, feeling that hard cock again by my leg, feeling the warmth in my stomach again knowing it started when I saw him naked standing in my room, and say, because I need to tell him, "It's a silver one like mine and," and I hear that drawer open hard, feeling that bite on my breast, closing my eyes, not sure, but know I need to tell him, and say, "It's thicker than mine because you do a lot and," and I feel that plastic wrapper next to my thigh, feeling that cock move away, exhale, moving into the bed, opening my eyes, seeing him looking down between us, and I grab the cover of my bed and put it on top of that broad back. And I see him look up at me, feeling my bed moving with him putting those forearms next to my shoulders, seeing those eyes, remembering I want to tell him, and say, "And it's not too bulky or big they said so you can do your work and it won't," and I feel that head down there again, the head of his penis, at my lips, my vagina, looking at those eyes.

I exhale, seeing him looking at me like that, like he does, waiting, putting my hands on those hard sides, seeing the light from my little lamp making those eyes shine a little, seeing those auburn eyes I want to see forever, and say, "Yes."

And I feel my eyes close, cursing I think, feeling him going inside of me, feeling him kiss me, tasting those lips and that tongue, and exhale, feeling him going out, hearing him curse and call me baby over and over, coming back in, going back out, opening my legs, wanting more, feeling that bite on my neck, telling him I want more, hearing him curse, and know he's tired, he has to be.

After working every day after school, working all day today, going to dinner, coming home, kneeling there on the floor in our dining room, making me orgasm, carrying me upstairs I think, getting to my room, letting me put his balls in my mouth, wanting to taste him, he has to be tired. But then he pulled me up, pushed me down on the bed, heard him open my drawer, felt that plastic wrapper next to my leg, kissed him, kissing that beautiful face, felt that rubber covering that cock, and then we made love.

And right now I want to make love to him, today, even if our anniversary was three days ago, because we're celebrating it today, we're going to keep celebrating it, like we're going to keep going to DuSable until midnight every time we go, and I want to make love to him because he belongs to me, and I squeeze my legs.

I feel him inhale, see that face come up from my neck, and he says, "Jazzy are you," and I say, "Lay down."

I see him blink, feeling him inhale, and he says, "But I want this."

I smile, knowing he's thinking I want to taste him again, and say, "Me too, now lay down."

I feel him inhale, feeling him push his cock into me again, and say, "Huey, you belong to me, now listen."

I see him inhale, feel that weight going onto my chest, feel that hand on my back, the other one on my hip, and feel him lift me, hearing him curse, not knowing this could feel this good, with me sitting up on him like this.

Then I feel him exhale, I think trying to calm down, and feel him turn us, holding on to those broad shoulders.

And now I see that laminated page where he wrote that he loved me over my headboard, my headboard he 'secured' even though I don't know what he did to it, feeling the covers twisting around my legs, and see him lay down.

I exhale, trying to calm down, feeling him like this, knowing he's looking at me like that, with my little lamp on, where he can see me on top of him, trying to remember anything I read online about doing this, how to do this, seeing those big auburn eyes looking at my chest, seeing those soft lips, wanting to kiss him, remembering it's supposed to be fun, not weird, just fun, and I go down and kiss those lips.

And I inhale, feeling him like this, how different it feels, feeling him grabbing my hips like that, so hard I think I'm going to bruise, wanting to feel that cock making my insides expand and crunch together again, wanting that so much, moving my hips up and down, a little, wanting that expanding and that crunching, hearing him say 'fuck Jazzy,' kissing those lips, moving my hips up more, down more, feeling him holding me now, those forearms holding my back, hugging me, and ask him because I really want to know, "Like this?"

And I feel him put his face in my neck, hugging him back, knowing I want to come again, seeing that soft black everywhere, feeling him nod into my neck, hearing him curse saying he wants it just like that, feeling him hugging me, hugging those broad shoulders, smelling that sweet strong buttery wood, that oil from Morocco, seeing that soft black everywhere, feeling that expanding, that crunching, with that soft black everywhere, like that soft black on that ring I got him, that ring with that silver necklace I put on it because I want him to wear it like that when he's working or whenever he wants to because I know he can't wear rings when he's working and cleaning at the shelter like how I have to take off my ring when I'm helping there, feeling that crunching, that expanding, seeing that soft black, that soft black inside that ring, that ring with the silver arms holding that heart, under that crown, the soft black around those arms and heart and crown with the silver trim on that ring holding everything together, all of it. And I feel him shaking with that expanding, feeling him kiss me, feeling those biceps I'm holding on to now like I did that day I almost fell on my floor right before he told me about that family, knowing now, I think, he really trusted me to tell me that stuff, he had to. Those biceps I'm holding really trusted me, those biceps I'm pushing down, seeing those eyes looking up at me, moving my hips up all the way up with that crunching, knowing I've been having an orgasm for a while now, seeing those eyes looking up at me, at my chest I think, going all the way down again feeling myself shaking with that expanding, the expanding all the way inside, and see those eyes close, feeling those hands holding my hips knowing I am going to have bruises in the morning and I don't care, and hear him say, "Fuck baby, I love you."

I inhale, knowing I'm dizzy, seeing him breathing with his eyes closed, feeling my smile or my smirk, I don't know, because all I see is how good he looks down there, so happy with that mouth open, breathing, almost smiling, and see those eyes open really slowly.

I see him look at me, tell him I love him too, and see him come up. And I feel him kiss me, hugging him, moving away to kiss that face everywhere, those cheeks, those eyes, that forehead, feeling him exhale, and hear him say, "I'll wear it every day, for as long as that Jazmine head wants."

I exhale, kiss that nose, see him exhale with those tired auburns, and say, "Okay, let's start with the second year you're my one and only boyfriend, if you want."

I see that smile, that full smile, not knowing if I ever did anything good enough to deserve so many smiles from him, so much from him, everything, and hear that monotone voice say, "I want that."

I exhale, kissing that face, knowing for sure, even if I haven't done anything good enough to deserve all those smiles from him, how he's hugging, how he kisses me when we're alone and we're not alone, how many dumb people are in this world, how many racists mean people are in this world, the horrible things that happen to really good people, good people we're going to keep helping, no matter what, everything, everything is perfect right now, and I can't wait for everything else.


I exhale and hear the students outside, a lot quieter than normal I think, hoping they're not that stressed. And I feel my smile, remembering my sister and friends were laughing and having fun at lunch today when all the other tables were studying again like they've been doing all week. And my sister and friends were laughing and having fun because I know they all studied every night, have been studying for weeks now to be ready for this week, and because of that and how smart they are they're all getting As and Bs in their classes, because they're all really smart, feeling like everything is perfect because it is.

And I hear her laughing and feel my eyes open seeing that I wrote that on the board, that everything is perfect, and I erase it with my hand.

I hear her say, "So any plans for the summer sweetheart?"

I smile, remembering no one's in class right now, it's just us two, so I can tell her, and say, "Yes Ms. Reed, we're all planning on going to Huey and Riley's hometown again."

I hear her exhale and I look down at the paper. I look up at the board, writing what time she wants us to finish and check our work, and hear her say, "That's where my husband worked on his doctoral research and I worked on my master's degree."

I feel my smile, look over at her, and see her looking at some papers. And I remember her saying some of that stuff about her husband and our school, knowing it's been weeks since we talked about that because some students show up early on those days that I'm helping her and I don't want to ask her about that stuff around other students, but no one's here right now. And I feel my eyebrow rise thinking I just say Cairo by the door but I'm probably imagining it because there are a lot of guys at this school with that hairstyle, remembering for some weird reason that Ms. Reed said when she was coming here there was only one third of the students that come here now so they all knew each other really well. And some of those students even became our teachers like her, and it was 'catastrophic' because some of the students, people in her class, were unstable, I think she even said that's what happened to Mr. Leon, that he was her friend and after Ms. Reed's husband, Frederick, started coming to this school Mr. Leon got unstable and stopped talking to her, remembering just how Mr. Leon is with us, how racists and mean and how he looks at our table sometimes, like he was doing today again.

I exhale, seeing her looking down at some papers on her desk, and say, "Um Ms. Reed, since no one's here can you tell me more about when you were a student here and Mr. Leon stopped talking to you, it's just that he's just really."

I exhale, see her look up at me with those brown eyes, see her small smile, and she says, "I understand sweetheart. From what I remember he was nice and quiet mostly, would talk to me during class and I believe even tried asking me out to the movies once."

I feel my eyes open not being able to imagine Mr. Leon asking anyone to the movies, see her smile, and she says, "I think I told him I would think about it, especially because I was just beginning my high school years and simply wasn't interested in boys yet and really I only saw Ron as a friend, like my other classmates, and then."

I see her exhale, see her look down I think at her hand, see her small smile, and she says, "And then that first semester there were two new students who transferred during the middle of the semester, one of them who I had a class with I became friends with immediately, the other student was her brother."

I feel my eyebrow rise seeing Ms. Reed playing with her ring, I think her engagement ring, and she says, "That first week my friend told me to meet her at the library for lunch to go over a project we had, I showed up as planned, and she wasn't there but."

I see her exhale, seeing her blush I think, something I don't think I've ever seen Ms. Reed do, and she says, "But her brother was there to tell me his sister had to stay in their class to finish an assignment and he was there to keep me company until she showed up."

I exhale, seeing her smirk at her ring, and she says, "He must've been the shyest boy I ever met because it took me asking him to the movies to go on our first date, but he was the one that asked me to attend a university closer to his, he applied to only graduate schools I would apply to, and then he proposed."

I exhale, feeling my smile, seeing her smiling at her hands, I think covering her ring, and she says, "And although everything was great in that respect, it was when we attended this school that we were always being asked about what we were doing, why Frederick and myself always seemed to be together, even if our parents were fully aware of our relationship and gave us permission to date, but still, it seemed there was always someone telling a teacher or the principal that Frederick and myself were up to no good, that we were going to skip school or were doing things that later on other young couples had to become responsible for but not us, and whenever we would explain to that teacher that Frederick was walking me to class and would be heading to his thereafter they would simply nod and say they knew we were good students and would walk away. But at some point it started happening on a weekly basis, so much, where I did consider transferring to another school, if not so Frederick would have an easier time with teachers not asking him why he was walking me to class again, at least to stop the girls from telling me that I shouldn't date him because those kinds of people, foster children, something my husband has written about extensively, the foster system and how it stigmatizes children, black children that already go through discrimination in every form, and in general, those girls said, black boys, only had bad intentions."

I see her exhale, I think remembering, see her small smile, and she says, "And then Frederick and Margaret told me to not transfer to another school, reminded me that I was happy here, with them, the two people that were my best friends and I should not let the gossiping, their ignorance, anything students said to me during class, things they had become used to hearing having been a family for years by then, the teachers that would ask us why Frederick was walking me to class again, having to tell them again that he was my boyfriend and had every right to walk me to class, whoever it was that was possibly telling teachers where they could find Frederick and myself whether it was in the cafeteria or the benches in the field, all those students, the entire school if necessary, stop me from attending this school because I had them, other friends that cared about me, and we had been going through that for two years at that point and we were going to spend the last of our high school years together, no matter how catastrophic it felt outside of our group of friends."

I exhale, feeling strong hearing this, and happy, so happy, knowing Huey said Ms. Reed's husband gave him a 'fine' grade on that paper but told him things he could change to make it better, something I know Huey really liked even if he didn't say it.

And I see Ms. Reed look up at me, see her start laughing, making me laugh, and she says, "I apologize sweetheart you were asking about Ron and I went off on a convoluted tangent but I guess the only thing I remember about him is how at some point, I know after Frederick and Margaret transferred to our school, he completely stopped talking to me, would not look at me when I would say his name, how I figured that had to do with some form of instability, the ability to talk to people and stop talking to them at a whim, an attribute that tends to result in negative outcomes, and that was truly the end of our friendship, if there was ever one at all, so I really do not know what happened to him after that, how he became the man he is today, but I do suggest that you keep a distance from him, as much as you can, and if you ever need help with anything he attempts to accuse you of you come to me or Margaret, do you understand that sweetheart?"

I exhale, trying to understanding everything, but knowing it's just a lot, and what I need to focus on is that I have really great teachers, when I need help because of Mr. Leon being a racist jerk I can come to them, my favorite teacher, Ms. Reed, and another favorite teacher, Ms. Hoffman, Ms. Hoffman whose first name is Margaret, feeling my eyes open and say, "Wait Ms. Reed is Ms. Hoffman your best friend from high school and your husband's sister?"

I see her smile and see her nod, feeling my mouth open, and say, "That's awesome!"

And I see her start laughing, inhale, thinking that was too loud, and hear a voice say, "Hello Ms. Reed."

I inhale, turning back to the board, and hear Marvin say hi to me. I smile, looking at the paper with the agenda again, and say, "Hi Marvin."

Oh my god, why do I get excited and start being loud like that? I think Marvin heard that.

Focus Jazmine. I look up at the board, feel those arms hug me, making me giggle, hearing Joanna say, "My girlfriend loved that movie and now she's obsessed with the space cowboy and Miyazaki."

I laugh, remembering last week when she asked me about that movie we had wanted to watch with Tamera and Tia and finally did, Spirited Away, nod, and hear her say, "And I'm finishing the Black Jesus paper over the summer and we can talk about it after, I'll look for you if we don't have any classes together 'kay?"

I exhale, happy she's my friend, how smart, cool, and nice she is, and hear her say, "And thank you for giving us something to talk about at church, getting her into the space cowboy too."

I feel my smile, knowing Adah told me sometimes after church she leaves Joanna and Lisa talking by themselves about the show and now Adah wants to watch it too, and say, "You welcome and remember we can hang out too at the end of summer if you want okay?"

I feel her nod, hear her say she's putting a reminder on her phone to text me at the end of summer, making me laugh again, and feel her let go of me.

I exhale, look back at the paper, look up at the board, and write Ms. Reed's email. And I feel those arms hug me, feel Adah kiss my head, and feel her let go of me, smiling, knowing I have so many friends, and hear Lisa say hi to me.

I turn around and walk over to Ms. Reed's desk. I put down the page, look over at Lisa, and say, "Hi Lisa and I'm gonna remind you again to keep it over the summer okay?"

I see her smile get bigger, see her blush, and she says, "Okay. Thank you. We kind of started watching it together from the beginning so that would be nice."

I exhale, feeling my smile, happy for her, and I nod. I start walking back, walk around Joanna, say hi to Mackenzie and Johnny, pass Adah, feeling her squeeze my hand, and walk up to my desk, seeing him sitting down.

I sit down and start writing everything I wrote on the board, hearing the second bell ring, hoping, no matter how I like or don't like some people in class, they do good today, and hear Ms. Reed say, "Thank you everyone for showing up on time as I," and I hear that door open, hear her exhale, and hear Ms. Reed say, "Please sit down Michelle, you will be marked late."

I hear those steps walking to her desk and hear Ms. Reed say, "As I was saying, thank you everyone for showing up on time as I must go over it again, even if everyone knows the process, and that is that you will all make sure to only have a pen or pencil or both on your desk, an eraser if you choose, and nothing else. All electronics, including all watches, will be placed in your backpacks or bags, not in your pockets. If I see anyone grabbing their backpack or purse during the exam you will be marked with a zero. The same will happen if I see anyone taking out an electronic from their pocket. Now, if you need to go to the restroom you will bring your entire backpack or purse to me with your paper and only then will you go to the restroom. This is again all necessary as it is the last exam for finals week, although tomorrow it is still necessary for everyone to attend class in order to go over your grade, unless you have an excused absence, as in having an 'A' in class, although most students that do have an 'A' have already decided to not show up this week, or if your parent has already sent me a letter regarding your absence, now."

I see her exhale, see her look around the class, see her small smile, and she says, "As you know, this last exam will be based on the last three weeks of class in which we discussed the country's growing economic inequality, a topic I am extremely happy you all chose to participate in class for. And I hope you all feel rested and relaxed and do the best you can knowing this is only an exam and will not determine your grade if you have done well throughout the semester with group participation, homework assignments, and in-class participation. But if for any reason you feel I did not give you the grade you earned please find my information, which you should already have, on the board, and send me an email next week. On the board you will also find the time I would like you to stop working on your exam to review your work. Please follow these instructions as studies have shown they lead to one half grade improvement. Now, I will start passing the exam sheets by giving them to the person at the front of your row, they will grab one sheet, faced down, and will pass the rests to the person behind them, and everyone will only turn the sheet when I say so. Those are the only instructions you will receive other than what you see on the board. Good luck everyone and I know you will all do great."

I exhale and put my notebook away, hearing everyone putting their notebooks and phones away, knowing Black Jesus is watching so we're all going to do great, I just know it.


I hear the bell ring, close my book using the note Ms. Reed gave me for my bookmark, a note where she said I'm getting an 'A' plus, feeling my smile, and hear everyone standing up, taking their sheets up to Ms. Reed if they didn't do it before, happy because, even if I don't know how everyone did, I know we all did great.

And I feel her hug me, making me smile, and hear her say, "Text me so we can figure things out okay?"

I nod, feeling excited, and feel her let go of me. And I hear him say my name.

I look up at Johnny, see him smirking, and he says, "Adah already told me so just."

I see him stop, feeling my smile, knowing he doesn't want to say anything about that, nod, and say, "Thank you Johnny and I'll text, promise."

I see him nod with his smirk, see him turn to Adah, grab her shoulders, turning her around, and hear him say, "Adah everything is fine and she will text you."

I look over at her, see those puppy dog eyes looking at me, making me laugh, and say, "Promise, I will."

I see her exhale, see her nod with her smile, and see Johnny moving her forward, shaking my head at how cute they are.

And I hear him say my name.

I exhale, looking down at my book, my awesome book, not wanting to have a bad time today, and say, "Look Cairo it's the last week, so just please, no."

I hear him say, "Please Jazmine."

I exhale, look up at him, knowing he's been nice, mostly because he hasn't said anything to me for weeks, only seeing him look at me when I see him outside by the door with Michelle talking to him, and I see he cut his hair into that fade that is kind of an afro still, just long at the top.

And I remember what mom said, just simple sentences Jazmine.

I exhale, knowing if I'm nice maybe nothing will happen and I need to wait in class for him because I told him I would, and he's finishing his final today too.

I can do this.

I see him exhale and he says, "So how you been?"

I inhale and say, "Good, thank you for asking, how have you been?"

I see him nod and he says, "Alright, chilling."

I nod and say, "That's good."

I see him exhale and look away I think uncomfortable that I'm not helping the conversation.

I grab my book, put it in my backpack, and hear him say, "I 'on't know how to do this."

I exhale, zipping up my backpack, and say, "Okay, well you'll figure it out."

I hear him say, "You really don't care? Don't care 'bout me no more?"

I inhale, looking up at him, remembering all that stuff, the fights, almost hitting me, almost kissing me, almost getting Huey and Riley in trouble here and at the shelter, how he doesn't want to change, trying to remember who I am, and say, "It doesn't matter if I care, you've been the way you've been."

I see him inhale, get up, putting my backpack over my shoulder, and I feel him grab my hand.

And I grab his wrist and twist it, hearing him curse.

I let go, turn around, and hear him say, "Jazmine, come on, just let me explain."

I walk up to the door, remembering, and look over at Ms. Reed. She looks busy and I want to say bye and he told me to wait in class, just today, just today.

I move out of the way, letting other students pass, and walk over to stand by the wall, hoping, please Black Jesus, that he gets here in one minute or I'm going to slap someone, and I see him walk up to me.

I exhale and move back more, remembering he was leaning here that time so he'll look for me here if he doesn't see me in my chair. And I feel my eyebrows lower, seeing him get to me, and he says, "Why? Why the fuck can't I explain shit to you?"

I inhale and say, "Because you talk to me like that, like you can talk to me like that, like it's okay, like it doesn't hurt a little when you say and do those things, like."

And I stop, looking away, knowing he doesn't want to change, he doesn't, and I'm not wasting my energy on him anymore, and I hear him say, "Nah, tell me, what you gotta say, just tell me Jazmine, cuz that's all I fucken think about, what you gotta tell me that you ain't saying cuz I fucked up so much, what I'm missing when you won't talk to my ass in class, when you know I'm the only one that's got your number, only my ass, cuz I don't need no one calling you but me, and now you won't even fucken look at me, making me feel like a fuck up, going nowhere but jail like they told my ass, and why ain't it you, why can't it be you?"

I look back at him, confused, and say, "Why can't it be me? Like going to jail or what you're going through? Are you asking why it can't be me that's going through that?"

I see him exhale, shaking his head, looking at me like that, like I'm crazy or I'm missing something that's really easy to see, and he says, "Why can't she be you? Why can't, when I go to her, hear her talk 'bout her classes, things she tells for a minute and then wants to fuck cuz she knows I ain't even close to knowing what she's talking about with college, why can't it be you? Why, even if she's mix, looks like she does, wants me there, why do I think about you when I'm with her, like I did with them other ones? Why, if I know, you two are different but the same in some ways, way you talk, way you sound smarter than you being sixteen, why, when she's talking, do I wanna hear you talk about kids, that you gotta read to them, that smoking and drinking ain't good for me when I show up to her house smelling like it and she don't care, just wants me to fix shit and then fuck, like that's all I am to her? Why do I think about touching you, even when I got me a mix girl, one that looks black and hides that she's mix? And why, tell me why do I wanna touch you but not to have you but just to feel like I can do it, that you'll let me, when I got a girl like her and other ones still calling my ass, but still I just wanna hold you, feeling like all those times I touched you ain't ever gonna be enough? Why do I still feel like this when I'm seeing her and you won't even look at my ass no more, even if I know, I know, no matter who you with, I won't ever fucken deserve you either and I still want you, making me feel like what I feel for you ain't going away right now or tomorrow? Why?"

I blink, not knowing what to say, not really, and hear that voice, in between sniffles, say, "Cairo, can we talk, please?"

I look over at her, see those brownish green eyes so red she had to be crying during class, and hear him say, "Michelle, look," and I see her inhale, trying to figure out if I fit around him, knowing I don't because he kind of boxed me in, and hear her say, "Cairo why? Why when I've done all that stuff for you? All the things you wanted, I did them, and all I wanted was for you to be serious with me, not just use me when you felt like it, not talking to me for a whole week after you met that girl, then calling me on Friday, coming over, and then not picking up your phone on Saturday with stupid Ashely calling me telling me you weren't with her either, knowing you're with that girl when you were with me the night before, letting you into my house again, and then you're with that black girl the next fucken day I know it, and I don't care if you say she's not black or mix, I don't, just stop, please, stop, and."

And I see her close her eyes, seeing the tears coming down her face, knowing she has to be in so much pain, trying to understand it all, how he was with her and Ashley, I think with Michelle only being okay with that because it's Ashley and I think because she just really liked Cairo, and then now this new girl Cairo's seeing, and even worse I think she heard maybe a little of what he said right now to me, and I close my eyes, exhale, trying to relax, thinking about how to get out of here, and hear her say, "And always, always it's about her, like we don't matter, like none of the girls matter, like I don't matter, making me feel like I'm going around in circles always, like I'm going nowhere Cairo. Why?"

I open my eyes, remembering what Cairo just said about feeling like he's going nowhere but where those people in Chicago told him he would end up, see him exhale looking at her, and hear him say, "I 'on't even know what you're saying."

I exhale, bringing my right hand up, remembering his voice saying, 'tiny one all the way back like we keep telling you, all the way,' my right elbow all the way back, palm facing him, and push into his chest, seeing him move back enough, and move under that arm, between him and Michelle, hearing him say my name. And I see that afro, thanking Black Jesus he came through that door, and run up to Ms. Reed's desk.

I run behind Marvin, saying some sort of sorry to him, see Ms. Reed look at me, exhale, and say, "I'm sorry Ms. Reed, wanted to say thank you and I," and she says, "Yes, I got your email, and no worries."

I exhale, happy, seeing her smile, and see her turn to back to Marvin. And I hear Cairo say my name.

I look over at that afro and see him looking over my head with those students walking around him.

I walk up to him, get to that chest, hug him, and feel him hug me.

I exhale and say, "Okay, nothing happened, let's go."

I pull that waist towards the door, feel him grab my hand bringing it down, and feel him hug me from behind, pushing me out of class.

I exhale, feeling him walking behind me, hugging me from behind with his face in my neck, and hear him say, "You're telling me everything or you know the consequences."

I exhale, feeling my smile, not seeing any creepy long black hair by the staircase, knowing what he means, and say, "Okay bestie or you'll tickle me, I know."

And I feel that bite on my neck, inhale, and hear him say, "That Jazmine head, that's only the first of many consequences."

Oh Black Jesus what did I agree to when I started dating him?


I see her exhale with her smile and she says, "What did I agree to when I accepted you as a volunteer here?"

I smile and say, "That you wouldn't get rid of me ever."

I feel her hug me around my waist, feeling that cute pendent on my thigh, the elephant one, knowing that's her favorite one because she wears that one the most. The other ones, the dragonfly, the butterfly, the hummingbird, the owl, the peacock, the bee, those other ones she likes too and she's used all of them on her scrubs but the elephant one is the one she wears at least every week. And I got them for her when she passed that exam in March and became a nursing assistant and hear her say, "Don't go."

I giggle, kissing her head, and say, "I promise I'm not leaving and that's why you won't get rid of me even during summer okay?"

I feel her exhale and hear her say, "But Jazzy I want you to enjoy your summer so don't worry about," and I exhale and say, "Mo."

I feel her squeeze me and hear her say quieter, "Okay, before and when you're back I do want you to come see me, not to help me, just to see me. Remember, the summer program will send me a volunteer, hopefully two, I'm sure who will not do as great of a job as you've done every day, so I will have help during the summer, and I want you to not feel like you're obligated to come help me again. If you want to see about clubs at your school, anything, do that okay, and no matter what I will write a letter to any college you apply to telling them about how great you were here, how sweet and amazing you were with me and all the residents, and how they need to accept you or I will write to their donators, every single one, every, single, one."

I laugh, nod, and hear the door open.

I look over, feel my smile, and say, "Mo, you have a visitor."

I feel her turn and see him walking up to us. I see him get to us, hearing her exhale with her head on my stomach, and hear her say, "You Mr. Ramirez are not supposed to be here today as it is not Friday, I was going to drive over to see you so you could rest after your long day today, having to be there earlier than normal because of the school's schedule this week, having to open the library early to give students a place to study before their exams, and you two conspired against me."

I laugh, seeing Mr. Ramirez laugh, and he says, "We did and you also didn't have lunch today and Jazzy already agreed to take care of the office for an hour, now if you will m'lady."

I exhale at how cute that sounded, knowing they've been saying things like that to each other since they watched The Princess Bride, a movie Monique said was one of her favorite movies, and feel her kiss my stomach.

I feel Monique let go of me, look over at her, and see her get up. I see her grab her sweater, putting it on, see grab her purse, and see her walk around the desk. She gets to Mr. Ramirez, puts her arm through his, intertwining them, looks at him, and I hear her say, "Then let's go good sir and slay us some pirates."

I start laughing and hear him say, "As you wish."

Oh my god. I exhale, so happy, seeing them walking to the door, and see Mr. Ramirez open the door for her, seeing his car in the front.

I sit down, look down at my awesome book, smiling, and open it.

Then I hear those steps, look up, smile at him, and say, "Yes Mr. Harrington? Do you need coffee? I can make some fresh coffee if you want."

I see his small smile and he says, "That would be nice Jazmine, thank you, but I would like to ask you a question first."

I feel my eyebrow rise, nod, remembering he's been respectful, even nice, for months now, see him exhale, looking away, looking kind of sad, and he says, "This might be too much to ask for as it's not necessarily a question per se but a request for your advice."

I exhale, nod, and say, "Okay, we'll I don't know if I can give you good advice but I can try."

I see him look back at me, see him nod, and he says, "Thank you. I'll try to form it into a question you can possibly answer, and that is do you think there's a possibility I could ask Monique on another date, one where I do not treat her as I did before, but in the way a woman like her deserves?"

I feel my mouth open, not knowing what to say because I thought he was going to ask me about something else, like how late it's okay to visit older people so they can get enough sleep.

I see him exhale and he says, "I understand this might be surprising, asking that question but there is a reason for it if you'll let me explain."

I nod, not sure what else to do, and he says, "You see, in the last few months, as I've continued to circulate the society I'm accustomed to, the."

I see him exhale, see him look away I think embarrassed, and say, "Yes Mr. Harrington?"

I see him look back at me, see him exhale, almost looking sad again, and he says, "The women, some girls that are also immersed in such dealings, I have come to understand, to see, that it's possible that the reason I have not found a woman, aside from some."

I see him inhale, trying to keep up with him, and he says, "Aside from some girls that I could see myself wanting to actually be at home with instead of other options available to me, is because I am also immersed in the dealings of my given society, the functions I must be part of, the construction ventures with partners and corporations, those who consider themselves politicians, business that allows me access to beautiful women, women who."

I see him exhale, see him inhale still with that sad look, and he says, "Women who understand propositions, agreements, contracts of some sort, functions, their function and place in our given society, women who understand a marriage is not necessarily about the sanctity of it but rather a proposal, one in which they will remain in the social class they have become accustomed to, understanding their function is to be an exemplary partner, remain looking youthful for the functions, events, all that is necessary for."

I see him look away and exhale, looking kind of tired, and he says, quieter, "All that is necessary for the life we have become accustomed to, what we are told we must do, be, in order to not be considered pariahs as some members of my family are, members who chose to not follow the given standards, who chose to not continue in the family business, be it investments like my grandmother, or business ventures seeking construction works like myself, or simply by marrying for something other than what we know, other than a function, as I considered with you and possibly with Monique before I remembered exactly who I am, who my family is, the pariahs in my family that no longer have access to that society, those women, knowing it wasn't as easy as simply marrying the first girl they said they fell."

I see him stop, see him look at me, and he says, "The first girl they said they fell in love with or had some kind of romantic inclination towards, a woman, even a girl, that not only speaks well, but laughs, has interests, has aspirations of her own, not simply wanting to be married to secure her future, a woman that is beautiful because she simply is and does not use it to acquire the security she desires, but possibly works, smiles at me, even if I was indecent with her, disrespected her several times, didn't meet her for dinner because I was having second thoughts about what those in my class would think, and another girl, one I also considered, I propositioned at too young of an age when all she wants to do is offer me coffee, ask me how my day was, and read books, regardless of my ulterior motives, and so."

I see him exhale and he says, "After an unnecessary explanation of the dealings of my social class, what I must do and I have accepted, what the results would be if I do choose a girl outside of those events and functions, which of course I already took steps towards when asking Monique on those dates and then later when I propositioned you, and after months of again being part of those functions, ones in which I saw that other individuals, ones that I do not necessarily hold in high regard but nevertheless must work with, have chosen women outside of those functions to possibly marry if that's what he chooses to do, women who I've also talked to briefly and were."

I see him inhale, squinting a little, I think remembering, and he says, "Were intelligent and warm, full of life, with aspirations outside of marriage based on securing their future, beautiful, like Monique and you, and so."

I feel my small smile, knowing Monique is all those things.

I see his small smile and he says, "And so I think I'm ready to become a pariah, ask Monique on another date, one where I will treat her as she deserves, and ask her to marry me this year."

I inhale, blink, see him smile, and he says, "I am serious Jazmine and that is why I need your advice on how to go about this."

I exhale, feeling my small smile, maybe kind of sad for him, after everything he said, remembering something I think I heard that afro say about not talking for other people, and say, "Mr. Harrington I don't really know how to help you with that or what kind of advice to give you because, at least to me, Mo seems really happy, she's my friend, and I want her to be happy, but I can't really talk for her, so I would just say that the best way to keep respecting her or showing her you respect her is to be honest with her, maybe being honest about this stuff with her, not just me, and then she can tell you how she feels, and maybe you just have to respect what she tells you after that, and I know Mo, she's not just super intelligent and pretty but she's really nice and I don't think she'll be mean about anything you say, and I hope, I really do, because at least now you're nice and respectful to me, that you do find someone that doesn't want a proposition from you and will finish sentences with you and will have cute things you say to each other and one of my friends says that's what it's all about, trusting each other, telling each other not to quit in school or doing things we really like, like hobbies or even important work for organizations, so even if that happens, you know, being a pariah with those people you do business with, it won't matter that much because you'll have someone that you like spending time with that will help you calm down and help you maybe not say things back to those business people, maybe even help you not shoot them."

I blink, thinking about so many people, that afro, my little half-brother, Joanna, Ed, and Hiroko, so many awesome, amazing people, feeling my smile, and I see him start laughing.

I feel my eyes open.

Mr. Harrington's laughing.

He's really laughing, so hard that his eyes are closed, holding his stomach, not knowing his laugh was that hardy maybe because I've never seen him laugh, not since I started working here last year, and I can't help it but start laughing with him.

Then I hear that voice say, "Warren."

I feel myself blink. That voice. I look over my shoulder, feeling my smile that she let me do a half ponytail with those pretty braids to hold it, knowing she said she wanted something nice because she was going to talk to some people tomorrow.

And I see her smile at Mr. Harrington and she says, "Why don't you come in so we can talk about some things?"

I hear Mr. Harrington exhale and hear him say, "Yes grandmother. And Jazmine?"

I look back at him, see him looking at me with his small smile, and he says, "Thank you for that, it's been some time since I've laughed in such a way, and thank you for the advice that I will consider, and don't worry about the coffee for now, maybe, if you're still here when my grandmother is done speaking with me I'll take that coffee to go as I am a little tired."

I smile and nod and hear that voice say, "Sweetheart why don't you bring my grandson that coffee first since we have quite a bit to discuss, not just business, but maybe some other important aspects of life."

I get up, walk over to her, putting that shall that's falling off her shoulder over it again, reminding me of Ms. Kathrine when I walked into the kitchen, putting that shall that was falling off her shoulder over it again, and say, "Yes Mrs. Harrington."

I start walking down the hallway to the kitchen where I think Ms. Kathrine probably still is, writing her list of food she was going to order for next week, and hear Mrs. Harrington's clear warm voice say they can talk about business first but she wants to tell him she wants him to live his own life, not anyone else's.


She's fine. She's not alone. She's with them. They're all together.

She will be fine, even if today happens to be the twentieth day since those credit cards and bank accounts were used, twenty days or possibly nothing, twenty days of possible planning. Fuck.

I exhale.

And still, I would not change any part of my life, other than that one aspect of two people being dead. But, I would not change any part of my life or want anything they offer, what they think we want, what they think we would be satisfied with, things, possessions, people they would be satisfied with, when we want more, not remotely close to what they're offering, because today I want to live this life.

I inhale.

The exchange of willingness for truth, food for trust, the acknowledgement of caring for a brother, caring for others that mean more to me today, the idea that the suburbs of Woodcrest have become home, those nights with idiot friends that were at times too long, the fact that he is my only idiot brother, that slight fear, if that's what it is, which would be logical seeing as it's connected to her, that slight fear of her getting tired of me much sooner than I will ever get tired of seeing that face every night, those days she wants to celebrate, days we didn't get to choose and days this government and white men from Europe and this country call 'holidays,' all of that, from exchanges to 'holidays,' all of that I'm no longer fine with. I'm no longer fine with all of that.

I exhale.

I possibly want those things, along with this life.

I inhale.

Never did I want to live anyone else's life because wanting that is for the weak but possibly, maybe, I also did not want to continue on with this life unless I could remain robotic and cold, because it was easier or simpler that way, to live life like that was simpler. But I don't lie to myself and I don't want anyone else's life but this one because I'm not weak, and I hear him say, "And that is why one of the first things I want to address so that everyone here is aware of this, although I believe you all know, my boy here, when he is here, is manager, and that is the only place he will have when he works here, no matter what he says."

I exhale, look over at him, and feel that relief, that damn relief, seeing him sitting in that chair.

I see him smile at me, aware he does not need stress right now, which includes explaining to everyone here how much titles and positions do not matter.

So instead of explaining any of that to them I exhale and say, "Thank you."

I see his smile get possibly bigger, feeling relief that his condition improved that much from what they said, hearing the clapping, and I look back at that laptop on the desk, knowing I'm replacing it in order to add a voice remainder like Grandad has on his phone to remind him to take his medication, whether he allows me to do it or not, and hear him say, "And because of all the wonderful donations, knowing how hard you all work here, how much you took care of this place with so much planned these last few weeks, the yard sale, the painting, while keeping the doors to this place open, doing it all without my son, my daughter and myself, just so I could spend some time with my granddaughters, we've already decided the review, like we have before the summer each year, isn't going to be just about telling us of any ideas you all have for this place, what you all think we can do to help the people more, but the review will also come with a raise for people that truly showed their hard work, especially with all the extra work we've all had this year, and know that how many hours you worked or time off you took won't matter with this review because we all know some of us have family, health reasons, reasons we can't be here more than other people can, but when you are here, how you work, how much you love this place."

I see him stop, watching for those signs of him losing his breath or becoming agitated she said, based on her interests in gerontology, that could show the need to stop him.

I see him exhale and he says, "How much you love this place means something and it shows with how you work when you are here no matter how many hours you work because a person working one darn hour can and will work a job that's normally done by three people if they really want to while other people working a job that can be done by one person can make other people's job much harder when they're not here to work, to love this place, and so that's what this year's review will be about with a guarantee like I guarantee I will be here doing what I can to keep the doors to this place open until I take my last breath that you will get a raise if you love this place like I know my family and myself have always loved this place, and like I know we're going to continue loving this place with my granddaughters who I know are enjoying that new playground, a playground I hope you all bring your boys and girls to use since that playground is here for them too, and last."

I exhale, moving forward, seeing Frank and Monica both kneeling in front of him, seeing him look at them, and hear him say, "I know, I know, just one more thing."

I inhale, walking up to them, hearing that voice that at times can still be whiny, grab the glass from the desk, and say, "Frank."

I see him turn to me, see him exhale, nod, and grab the glass from my hand.

I exhale, moving back, seeing Frank hand the glass to Mr. Willis, and see him take a drink.

I exhale, watching Mr. Willis take longer inhales and exhales several times.

I see Mr. Willis hand the glass to Frank, smile at the people around this office, an office that cannot hold as many people as are in here, the reason why some are in the hallway, and he says, "Last thing I want to say is thank you, thank you all for taking care of this place while we were away because it gave me hope that even after I take my place by my wife's side the doors of this place will stay open and good people that fall on hard times won't be cold at night and will find a safe place they can go to with their kids, find help from good places that come here to offer their services, some new ones thanks to my wonderful kids that help me so much, my own kids that take care of things for me when I'm just too tired, and all those services, a safe place to sleep away from those things out there caused by sick people, some food when god provides through those donations, people, good people, lost people, find all of that here, and seeing how well this place looks, how that old hangar shines right now knowing people, all people, like nice things, they do, they like to sleep in nice, clean places with no stains, no yellowing, no bad smells, and we try our best darn it, we do, to give that to people every night, sometimes with breakfasts, lunch, and a dinner for them too, and all of that kept on going with no stopping to it these last few weeks, and that right there gave me that hope that good people, long after I'm with my wonderful wife, will keep the doors to this place wide open, welcoming all souls. And for that, for giving me that hope, thank you."

I take that long exhale, seeing him exhale with his smile, hearing the clapping, knowing that inevitability is real, as real as those statistics, how we continue to live under discrimination, institutionalized racism, racism of all sort, all of it, economic and social, in every way we try to move from under it, it's all just as real as the inevitability of this old man no longer breathing one day, knowing I must find a way to accept that fact, and inhale, feeling that material on my finger, my right hand, that ring she gave me that I will have to remove before I start helping with the cleaning today, knowing I do not believe in superstitious, including the ones of objects having spirits in them, I do not believe in numerical signs, I do not believe in folk tales, I do not believe that people find who they belong to, since I believe in the rationale of science regardless of my delusions as a kid, but I trust her and she believes, that whiny voice said, based on what she saw today, that he's doing well and he's going to be fine if his stress level is reduced, we continue reminding him to take his medicine on time and walk around the office at least once a day, and give him something to drink to have him stop talking when he is getting agitated, like we have tried to do with Grandad several times, although with Grandad we've also made sure he has no reason to do any housework other than the gardening that's beneficial to his air intake amount, all the bills are automatically paid now with both myself and my brother having access to the one account that pays the mortgage because my brother's trustworthy, and that Jazmine head, that voice, said this old man that's older than Grandad looks better, relaxed, and we will have him for a long time still, and I trust her, I possibly believe her, and I'm going to believe her, feeling my hands release that pressure.

And I see Frank turn to me, see the people behind him trying to talk to Mr. Willis, and see that look.

I exhale, possibly, after working with him for only months, knowing that look, and start walking over to them, knowing it might be some time before I need to take off this ring to help with the cleaning, if they even allow me to.


I exhale and say, "Are you positive?"

I see her smile and she says, "Yes, please, completely. We will be fine. Thank you."

I nod and say, "And are you sure about the time I'm asking?"

I see them all start laughing, exhale, and say, "If needed, knowing the amount of work, the cleaning, the billing, I will," and hear them say, "Howie no!"

I inhale, look over at Frank, and say, "Fine but if," and he says, "Yes, if we need you we will contact you, but you also need this time away from all of this, especially after today."

I exhale possibly longer, knowing he has a point, but, and I hear him say, "Son?"

I look over at Ms. Willis, see him smile, and he says, "We want you to not worry about this place even though we know you will, we want you to enjoy some time off even though that might be hard for you, and we want you to be here only on the days you should be working here and only during the day until you leave for that time away, and we want you to come back to continue helping this place because things will not be the same without you here my boy."

I exhale, nod, and hear Monica say, "And Howie?"

I look over at her, see her smile again, and she says, "And when you come back you're also receiving a raise."

I feel my eyebrows lower and say, "No."

And I hear them say, "Howie!"

I close my eyes, remembering I respect these people for various reasons, trying to relax, and hear Frank say, "One last thing."

I exhale, open my eyes, see him smirking at me, know I'm going to be irritated right now, and he says, "We're paying for…"


Over my cold, dead, body.

And if you argue with us about this you'll only place unnecessary stress on my father.

I exhale, trying to relax, not having said anything after Frank said that.

Damn it.

And I hear him, walking pass the kitchen, not wanting to deal with any more fucken headaches today, not so because of those reviews but because so many wanted reviews done today, specifically after Mr. Willis said anything about that guaranteed raise contingent on their work performance, which in many cases I would say is a way to keep the worker that no longer has the support of union power under control but in Mr. Willis's case I would say it could be the complete opposite in which he actually wants to give the worker power by giving them control of their possible raise. And he gave everyone a raise, regardless of their work performance, even when both Frank and Monica did not necessary agree to that raise, asked for my advice, advice I told them should not change how they go about giving raises and really if the old man wants to give them a raise they should just do it, even that fucken idiot that was calling her again, all fucken day yesterday. All, fucken, day.

I exhale, trying to relax, trying, hearing that fucken idiot in the kitchen on his phone, knowing I'll only be dealing with him when I have to check his work along with the work of several other employees later today, after they've had sufficient time to take care of their work after having their review, which in most cases took at least fifteen minutes, and we're not done, we won't be done until next week when, I feel that kiss.

I look down at her, feeling it, seeing that smile after that peck, that smile she has for whatever Jazmine reasons, and she says, "Come on, I know you need a break so come play with us."

I exhale and say, "Jazmine," and I see her exhale, rolling those greens, and she says, "Bestie, you need to have a little fun after all of that, you know, talking to so many people, and you can maybe just do the counting if you want, and believe me it'll help you relax before you have to do more work today, please so," and I kiss her, grabbing that soft face, not giving a shit, after having to talk to so many damn people when I'm not good at small talk, will never be good at small talk, wanting them to get to the point, why they felt they deserved anything when we deserve nothing unless we work for it, feeling those hands on my neck, pulling me down, feeling those small teeth biting my lip, wanting to selfishly go home to those damn suburbs where she lives twelve seconds away from me, feeling her move away, wanting to berate her, opening my eyes to that blush, and she says, "Bestie, I'm sorry, I should only be giving you little kisses here, specially out here in the hangar, not kissing you like that, and I think I heard someone," and I hear that voice say, "Yeah you are here and ain't supposed to be doing that shit, could even get your ass fired manager."

I exhale, cracking my neck, not giving a shit what he says, feeling those hands massaging my neck, knowing I'm asking her to put those legs over my back or anywhere she wants tonight, seeing those greens looking at him, wanting to berate her for that, and hear her say, "Because we were kissing when you had your girlfriend on your lap showing half her butt that day? Try it. Tell Mr. Willis, tell them all we were kissing to see if he'll get in trouble and I swear I'll sweep the floor with you, you, you jerk that makes girls feel bad and just makes them cry!"

I move that face back to look at me and say, "Jazmine."

I see her exhale, seeing that water in her eyes, knowing she's slightly emotional because a lot has happened in the last few weeks, knowing she's enjoyed herself but she's also worried and she becomes emotional when she worries, seeing those eyes with that water looking at me, and hear him say, "Jazzy."

I exhale, looking over at him, pass that fucken idiot standing fifteen feet away, and I see Frank at the entrance of the hallway, looking at that face I'm holding, not necessarily wanting to let go of that soft face, feeling her turn, and hear her say, "I'm sorry Frank, I shouldn't have yelled, I'm really sorry, I'll go outside."

I turn back to her, see those eyes blink with that water as she's turning, wanting to grab her, and see her push that door as she's walking out, reminding me of how much faster she is now, feeling that pride, and hear myself say, looking that door closing behind those particles, "Can I take a break?"

I hear him exhale and hear him say, "You do not need to ask for it but yes please do."

I nod, walking out, into that sunlight, and see those small pink converse, those light blue jeans in that material that are making those thighs look too thick, and that sweater covering her even though it's warm today.

I see her walk up to her sister, see her sister turn to her, possibly hearing that voice say something over the noise, and see her sister kiss that soft face, and see her sister walk away.

And I stand here, on the new pavement, between the new basketball court and the playground, hearing the dribbling to my left with my brother and friends instructing those kids on how to play a proper game, seeing that playground with those blue and yellow colors, knowing those blue and yellow plastic coverings over those metal bars are there so children who do not know they're running into things when trying to expend their energy do not hurt themselves when they do run into things. And I see her, see her pushing Tia on that swing, feeling that warmth in my body again, the one that possibly happens when I see her helping two girls, well behaved, happy, black children, with their homework or reading to them or tickling them or pushing them on a swing set, a swing set I know is secure based on how far down they dug to secure those metal bars, with my brother and Jazmine and her sister helping them dig even if it wasn't necessary for them to do so, walking, getting closer where I can hear Tia laughing when she gets to the high point of that swing, walking, and see those greens look at me.

I get to her, see her blink, and see her turn back to that swing, seeing her push Tia. And I hear that voice say, "It's okay Huey. Just a little emotional, but I'm okay, but I still shouldn't have yelled, and I'm just sorry I did that."

I inhale, grabbing that face, turning her to me, and kiss her.

I exhale, tasting those lips, hearing the noise around us, the children around us, moving away from those lips, and say, "Jazmine."

I see those eyes open, see her look at me with that water in those eyes, and say, "I could hardly care that you're emotional because this happens possibly every time there's a lot going on, whether it's beneficial or not to those around us, and will continue to happen, and the only thing I need to know is if anyone caused you to cry and I need to beat them for it, and furthermore you were only speaking the truth in there based on what you tell me, even though my only concern is if he ever makes you cry and if he's causing trouble here, trouble he would have caused if one of the donors or that news reporter walked in on those two, where I only knew they were acting like teenagers but I didn't know they were doing more, at which point I would have told them both to leave that day and not come back until after Mr. Willis was back. But you again, saved his sorry excuse of," and I inhale, feeling that pulling on my pants and look down.

And I feel my eyebrow rise seeing that brown afro in those two braids, an afro that's in every way, other than in the color, the same as Jazmine's, an afro that looks just like hers did when I met her, but this one is darker in color, possibly the same color as my own hair if I bothered enough to look at the color my hair, wondering, possibly, maybe, if that's what our, and I hear her say, "Uncle Howie you push."

I exhale and say, "Tia why don't you just move your," and I hear that voice say, "TT wants her uncle to push her."

I look over at her, see that smile, that shine in those greens, and exhale, knowing, like I know certain looks from her, many looks from her, that she's happy.

I exhale, looking back at that swing, see Tia holding on to those chains covered in the blue plastic, grab those chains, moving back with them, and hear that voice say, "Bestie, what are you doing?"

I look over at that Jazmine head, see that smile I'll be kissing not soon enough, and say, "Tia asked to be," and she says with that smile, "Bestie you've seen me do this a lot of times."

I exhale, not knowing what that Jazmine head is talking about now, and see her grab my hands, feeling her put those long fingers through my own, and feel her move my hands down onto Tia's back. And I hear her say, "Here, because then you'll know how hard you're pushing her and remember she's little."

I inhale, remembering that day at the park after we had taken them to that ice cream shop. She played with them, pushed them on those swings, not too high based on the wind factor I reminded her of, or high enough they would get sick, and then ran around with them, crawling through that playground, a quarter size bigger than this one, while I secured the perimeter in order to not stare at them longer than I was, feeling that warmth she doesn't know I feel when I see her playing with them, and I feel the back of that small child, a child I have held several times but never have I had to push her. And I exhale, annoyed, feeling very much like what my brother must have felt like that night holding Tia with both arms, remembering those missions, all that tactical training, her approximate weight, the wind factor based on the news report this morning, feeling her move those soft hands away, seeing Tia possible fidget, and I push.

And I hear that laugh, see Tia look back at me, and she says, "Uncle Howie, uppies."

I exhale and feel those hands go over my own again, seeing that ring over my own ring, hearing the children around us, the noise, knowing the statistics for these children, most who are homeless, will continue to be, as statistically depressing as that is, those are the numbers, two thirds who will end of up in the system, if they are not in it yet, including juvenile detention and foster homes, another portion won't live pass twenty one, and possibly a handful will make it through high school with two at most graduating and moving on to college with half of one, which is not a complete person, getting to higher education, graduate school, after incurring debt to get there and setbacks from taking time off to work.

And I hear that voice whisper, "Bestie, everything's okay right now, just do this okay?"

I exhale, nod, feel her push my hands on to that small back with more force, and see that afro with those two braids move forward, hearing Tia giggle.

I inhale, pushing her out as she's swing back in, making sure to not push harder than necessary as they all ate two hours ago, and feel those arms go around my stomach.

I exhale, feeling that soft face on my back, and hear that voice, "So did everything, you know, go okay in there?"

I inhale, hearing Tia laughing as I possibly pushed too hard, and hear that voice say, "That sounds like no."

I exhale, remembering some of those reviews, and say, "It was fine, but I wasn't able to do anything else, even when I knew the meeting would go well, meaning I'm still working for several hours and you should go home."

I inhale, knowing I do not necessarily want her to leave but I know her mother is working today and I could take her to her office if that's what she wants, not necessarily wanting her to leave, not at all damn it, and hear that voice say, "But then who's gonna teach you how to swing little cute girls on a swing?"

I exhale, feeling my smirk, possibly, seeing Tia kicking her legs out to put some force into that swing, and I push just some more, hearing her laugh.

I inhale and say the selfish truth, "That's a good point."

I hear that laugh, feeling her move that face over my back, maybe, feeling my smile, seeing those legs that are the right size for a girl her age kick out with more force, and say, "I also need your assistance with something else, possibly of greater national urgency."

I hear her say, "I was checking the platforms and only saw some new ones that I want to talk to you about but I haven't asked you yet so," I see her come back in, grab those chains, lifting that child, turning her around, putting her over my shoulder, and feel those arms let go of my stomach.

I turn to her, hearing Tia ask me why I stopped pushing her, looking at those greens look up at me with that smile, feeling my smile, and say, "The matter of national urgency is that this child continues to ask to be pushed on this swing with an ulterior motive to laugh and there are more straight forward ways to accomplish that goal."

I see that smile get bigger, hearing Tia ask me to put her on the swing and push her more, and see those hands come up, and start tickling Tia.

And I hold on to Tia with both hands, feeling her moving like children her age do when trying to escape their parent's grasp, hearing her laugh, asking for 'ercy', feeling my eyebrow rise knowing she must have heard that from that Jazmine head the few times I've tickled her in front of them, and feel it, that feeling, that lightness, possibly laughing, closing my eyes, hearing the child I'm holding laughing, a black child I'll protect whenever they allow me to, just as I'll try to accomplish for these kids here, these children, ages three through preteens, all black, brown, or poor, impoverished, with those statistics, discrimination, hearing that laughing from both Jazmine and Tia, feeling that lightness I feel when I hear her laugh, when she does anything to create hope in me that those statistics will change, starting with helping a child that turned six years old several months ago and I'm holding right now continue to be happy, well-behaved, knowing this is exactly where I want to be, and feel that weight on my leg.

I open my eyes, look down, and see Tamera holding my leg as she's become accustomed to doing when she feels the need to. And I feel her put her face on my leg, hearing that sniffle, and feel my eyebrows lower, wondering how many more will test me today, whether they work here or made her cry for any pointless fucken reason, seeing that tear on her face.

I see Jazmine kneel in front of her, touching the side of Tamera's face removing that tear, and I hear that voice say, "Tam Tam what's wrong?"

I feel Tia move as I'm looking down at them, trying to remain calm before I decide to take out my frustration on the fucken idiot that could still be in the hangar, and hear that voice say, "Tam Tam tell me okay and I promise things will be okay, I promise, please."

And I hear those pants, look over at those two, and see them stop.

I see them look down, knowing I'm not going to do much to them but lock them in the storage room and make them listen to that fucken idiot's inauguration speech if they caused this.

And I feel those arms let go of me, look down, and see Jazmine open her arms, and pick her up.

I hear Cindy tell me to give her Tia, look over at her, see her looking at Tia, and she says, "Come on TT's let's go play with that hoop and make uncle Riles lift you to make more points than any of 'em boys that don't know nothing 'bout how tough girls be."

I see Tia look over at where I know Jazmine walked towards, hearing those two explaining something pointless to her about making Tamera cry, and hear Cindy say, "TT she be cool, 'member we girls and can do anything so don't be worrying 'bout Tam Tam and you gots to trust that she can handle anything too cuz she your big sis, 'kay, now come on."

I see Tia look back at Cindy, smile, and nod, and feel Cindy take her from me.

I exhale, thanking her, and I walk around the basketball court, towards that bench.

And I see those two, for all intents and purposes, kids, but possibly still thinking about adding them to my long mental 'shit list' even if I know being kids they probably got in to some pointless argument but it still involved Tamera who is looking at Jazmine, watching her explain, 'So I just wanted us to play auntie and then they started being mean and then and then,' and I see her put her face on Jazmine's shoulder, seeing Jazmine put her arms around her, and exhale, getting to them.

I step in front of them, see them look up at me, and say, trying to not sound too damn 'mean,' "Explain. Now."

I see them look away and say, "No, you do not turn away from anyone questioning you unless you want to show fear, now both of you, look at me."

I see them exhale, see them both look at me, and say, "Explain, with no cover up, lies, or unnecessary information, why is Tamera crying?"

I see them look down, feel that soft hand touch my own, and hear that voice say, "Boys, I know you two, you're really nice, and I know that because one of you is a really good friend to my friend and the other one I met a long time ago and is one of the coolest nicest boys ever, so just tell us why you started acting mean when all Tam Tam wanted to do was play with you two."

I exhale, trying to figure how this is even useful. I should just drag them to the storage room, find that damn speech and, and I feel that hand squeeze my hand, and see the boy that Jazmine said she met during the Thanksgiving dinner exhale and hear him say, "It's my fault."

I see him look up at Tamera, possible exhale looking at her, and he says, "Tamera wanted to play cops and robbers and she wanted to be the lawyer and help me escape prison and she wanted Pete to be the police she said arrested me even though I wasn't doing nothing, just walking by the bank when it was happening but they said I looked like the robber so Pete took me into the police and then Tamera was gonna help me escape and I wanted us to I 'on't know, go to the fair or something after we escaped, and then Pete said he wanted Tamera to help him put real robbers away and she couldn't go to the fair or nowhere with me cuz she was gonna help him be putting robbers in prison and I told him that wasn't fair because I was gonna go to prison and I wanted to go the fair with Tamera because she said she liked it when she went and then Pete said he didn't wanna play and I told him he ain't gotta play and it can just be me and Tamera and we'll play cops and robbers and then."

I see him stop, possibly take a breath, remembering how much kids his age talk, and hear the other one say, "I only said I didn't wanna play cuz Tamera gotta help me put real robbers in jail and Tamera's smart and she's gonna know how to put real robbers in jail and she's nice so she's gonna wanna help me and we go to school together so we can be friends and I can walk to class with her and make sure no one takes her to jail or anywhere and you don't go to school where we go so I don't know why you wanna take Tamera to the fair when the fair left already and I'm taking her to the fair and she's not going to the fair with you or I'ma sock you."

I move in, grabbing that fist from that boy, see him look at me, and say, "I don't care how you feel, you are not fighting here. Do you understand that?"

And I see that other fist and grab it with my right hand.

I look at that other boy and say, "And what the hell are you doing?"

I see him inhale, looking at the other boy, and hear Hiro say, "Pete!"

And I exhale seeing that anger, these kids, remembering the many fights or rather lessons my brother and I got into, how I wouldn't beat him with anger, not like beatings I've given to others, but more so to teach him what it's like out there and better yet how to swing back and actually hit with force, unlike these kids that are angry, as I see that one lean in with his other hand and I see those arms grab him and pull him away, hearing Hiro tell him to calm down.

I turn to the first one that spoke, see him move his hand back, not having moved from his place, possibly waiting for the other one to attack, and say, "You, walking with me. Now."

I see him look up at me, see his eyebrows lower, and exhale, turning him around, hearing him tell me he can walk by himself.

I look back at her, feeling that kid trying to get out of grasp as I'm holding on to his shoulders, see her holding Tamera, hearing her whispering into Tamera's ear that everything's fine and no one's getting into a fight, exhale knowing I want to come back soon, and say, "Jazmine."

I see those greens look at me and say, "Don't leave."

I see her nod and see those lips mouth, 'I know, staying with Tam Tam.'

I nod, look up to make sure about that other kid, and see Hiro pushing him over to the basketball court where I can see my brother and Caesar looking at Hiro with that kid, knowing they stopped what they were doing to look over here when they were instructing those other kids that are here today, kids that came with employees or kids that sleep here when their parents can't find a place to sleep, like the one I'm walking out of the backyard right now, out onto the street, and feel him move that shoulder.

I push it down, feeling him trying to get out of my grasp, and hear him say, "Let me go, I 'on't even wanna be here, just came cuz Jazmine said there were gonna finish the court, but I'ma go."

I inhale, holding on to those shoulders, and say, "I run faster than you so when I let go you are staying put and following my orders and not running off or I will chase you down, will catch you, and drag you back here and force you to tell Jazmine that you ran off, knowing they haven't passed out food for dinner yet, which means you were possibly going to stay hungry until tomorrow morning, which will disappoint her. Do you want to be the one to say all of that to her and furthermore do you want to disappoint Jazmine?"

I see him exhale, remembering her excitement this morning talking about this boy being here today, knowing he stays here sometimes with his mother, they come eat here every few days possibly because wherever they normally stay doesn't provide food for them, remembering how excited that Jazmine head was and how she hugged him, like she does whenever she sees him.

I see him exhale, giving him that time he needs to possibly think about his choices, and see him shake his head.

I let go and say, "Walk, stay on my right side, and do not fall behind."

I see him look back at me with a raised eyebrow and I walk around him, start walking, and say, "Now."

I hear him run up to me, walking, trying to figure out what I'm doing, other than removing this boy from that situation in that backyard, possibly, exhale, thinking about what Grandad did for myself and Riley, removing us from that situation, getting us out, and hear him ask me where we're going.

I exhale and say the truth, "I haven't figured that out."

I hear him exhale and hear him say, "Just wanna go back and see if she's okay."

I nod and say, "She's with Jazmine."

And I feel that warmth, thinking about that, and hear him say, "Yeah but, I 'on't know, don't like Pete there."

I feel my eyebrow rise, remembering that argument right now, look at him, remembering what she said several months back when this boy and his mother started showing up more consistently to get the donated food, how she thought he was older, and say, "You're nine years old right?"

I see him look at me, see him exhale and look away, and hear him say, "Nine and a half but they always tell me I look like I'm twelve so I say I'm twelve when I feel like it."

I exhale, remembering when I reached that age, started getting taller than most around me and more than that because I'm black the moment we look old enough we're no longer boys, we're criminals, inhale, and say, "Don't let me find out you're lying about your age."

I see him look at me with his raise eyebrow and he says, "Why? Only say it when they tell me I look like it and only when we're at the arcade and they ask where's my mom and they're gonna tell us we gotta go cuz…."

I exhale, looking forward, needing to remain aware of our surroundings, and say, "Because statistically you're already set up to fail and lying at your age is only going to lead you down a path of more lying, fights with idiots everywhere, a record by the time you are twelve and all because we're black."

I inhale and hear those steps stop.

I look back at him, see him looking down, and say, "I told you to not fall," and I hear him say, "I know."

I exhale and say, "Then keep up."

I see him exhale and hear him say, "I know that, all that stuff, that I tell lies too much and I'm not smart, that I'm stupid cuz can't read words good, and I get mad when they tell me that and laugh at me in school cuz I read slow, and only thing I can do is count but when they put words with numbers I can't count fast cuz of the words and then after school behind my class when everyone had left home and I was waiting for my mom they tol' me it's cuz I'm stupid and it's cuz I'm a nigger and they tol' me only way fight wasn't my fault is if he hit me first but I was mad cuz he said that and I socked him first and I don't snitch so didn't tell 'em what he said and I 'on't even care about that cuz I know I'm black but then I got suspended for a week, and it's cuz I'm black and I can't do that cuz it's gonna be my fault and my mom tol' me I ain't going nowhere if I get mad like that and I gotta let 'em hit me first and then I can hit 'em, and only times I 'on't get mad when I read is when Jazmine and Cindy come and read with Tamera and Tia and tell me to read and I read and they tell me to just read and don't matter how I read cuz I'm doing good and when my mom's working she says I can only come here cuz she says I'm not mad when I get home and she said when we get our 'partment she said next month cuz she got money for section eigh' I can still come, but only here, and only when Jazmine and Cindy are here and Jazmine told me to always say thank you to my mom cuz she's my mom and only got her and my aunt but when my aunt gets mad she doesn't want us there and we come here but next month we moving my mom said and Jazmine said I can read good and I'm polite just cuz I said thank you on Thanksgiving and Cindy said that I always gotta keep saying 'Yes' and not 'Yeah' and I like 'em, they're nice and don't laugh at me, and I don't want Tamera to think I'm stupid and probably does cuz Pete's telling her that right now and she won't be my friend no more."

I inhale and say, "First, what did I say about looking down?"

I see him look up, exhale, trying to calm down before I traumatize this boy more than he has been from whatever he's seen on the streets, going from place to place, dealing with racists kids at his own damn school, with the shelter being the only safe place away from sick family members that do not understand an argument with another family member is never a fucken reason to throw out a child and away from having to deal with racists kids at school, and say, "Second and even more important than that, being black is not the same fucken thing as being a nigger."

I exhale longer and say, "Now, do not fall behind again, and walk."

I turn, looking forward, hear him run up to me, getting to that place where she volunteers, feeling somewhat more relaxed, and say, "Third, reading slow is far better, exponentially better, than being illiterate."

I hear him say, "What's 'lliterate?"

I inhale and say, "Illiterate means not knowing how to read."

I hear him say, "'Kay."

I exhale and say, "What did Cindy say?"

I hear him say, "Oh, mean yes."

I nod and say, "Good, fourth."

And I feel it, passing those steps, that feeling that comes when I walk up those steps, like those phantom limbs of a lost arm or leg, those phantom injuries that are there but I no longer 'feel' as acutely at times or even close to the surface like I used to at all times, maybe even weaker than I used to, knowing even if they are dead I should make more of an effort to visit them and pay my respects, remembering, as I do sometimes, their emphasis on reading, education, playing outside, but the first I remember was reading, possibly even before I became aware of my existence.

I exhale, passing that building, and put my hand out instinctively, holding his shoulder.

I let go of him, waiting for the light to change, and say, "Fourth, the fact that you do have a challenge in reading does not mean you're stupid no matter who the hell says you are. Not reading well or as fast as they think you should be reading should be viewed as a challenge, one that's there for you to overcome, if not yourself, for your community or the ones around you I'm damn sure with the school system as it is, unless they are being homeschooled or attend a private school, which a large population of our community does not, also do not read well or even at all if all they do is sit in the back of class, never open a book unless told to do so, and when asked to read out loud tell their idiot teacher that could not care less that they don't feel like reading and then they're sent to the principal's office."

I exhale, walking across the street, hearing him walking next to me, remembering those schools, the elementary school I was moved to after they died and Grandad couldn't afford the tuition at that private one, one of the reasons our parents were not well-off, because they paid for a private school I was going to that year. But after they died and Grandad couldn't afford that school I started going to a public one, whereas the private one had a teacher to student ratio of one to ten, the students were of mix backgrounds but mostly white kids with blacks as a minority, and if teachers were racists in their personal lives when it came to that school they had to spend an equal amount of time with each one of us, giving us undivided attention to ensure we kept up in class, the public school was not like that. At the public school each class had at minimum, if I remember correctly, of thirty kids, all who didn't care what that imbecile at the board said, some walking in and out of class when they 'felt' like it, all at the ripe age of five, the dynamic getting worse each year with some kids not coming to class several times a week and only showing up with bruises with that teacher not asking, not caring.

But it's possibly different here and that was some time ago where today kids talk more and will say if they're showing up with bruises because their parent is beating them again and that teacher will legally have to give a shit, and feel him grab my hand.

I feel my eyebrow rise, look over at him, feeling him let go, and he says, "Sorry, didn't know if you saw the light cuz you ain't talking."

I exhale, having stopped before he touched my hand, feel my smirk, and say, "I did. Thank you."

I see him nod, looking forward, possibly embarrassed, and say, "About your challenge."

I see him look at me, see him nod, and say, "I have some books I read when I was younger, a few years younger than you but by then I had read several books and had expanded my reading comprehension enough those idiot teachers said I needed to slow down and let others catch up, which made no fucken sense considering that's how kids learn, watching and learning from others, so I kept reading regardless of what those teachers said, and those books I had already read, no matter how difficult they are and how long it takes you to read them, could possibly help you overcome that challenge by forcibly pushing you forward."

I see his eyes open, hearing the sound of the light changing, and I look forward and start walking across the street, seeing that place, hearing him running up to me, and hear him say, "So you'd let me take 'em when we get the 'partment or do I come here and Jazmine and Cindy gonna," and I say, "No, you would take them home with you, to your aunt's house for now if that's where you live, carry one on you always so when you do come here or sleep here you'll have it and you can have Jazmine and Cindy read with you or read it yourself, and those books would be yours, since I've read through them several times over, know them by memory, and they weren't a gift so I can do whatever I wish with them. Now, do you want them?"

I exhale, knowing there are some books I might possibly, more than likely, hold on to because even if they're dead those books were a gift from them, and possibly, maybe, I would want to give those books to children, nieces, of my own, and the ones I'm offering to this boy I bought at second-hand book stores with an allowance Grandad and Aunt Cookie would give us when they could.

I hear him say, "Yes and thank you."

I nod, getting to it, and say, "One last thing."

I stop in front of it, see him look up at me, and say, "Based on the conversation being as it has been, the fact that you did stay on my right side like I instructed, knowing it will be some time before they serve dinner, and the fact that you seem apt enough to make your own choices, you can have one and then we head back, but do not tell them when we do get back since I don't want anyone assuming, specifically because I'm an employee there, that I have favorites or take sides in any respect."

I see him smile and nod, then see him exhale looking confused, and he says, "Um, you think one day, like, you know, when I'm how old you are, I can work at the shelter too?"

I feel my eyebrow rise, feel my smirk, and say, "Chances could be high as long as you stay apt, without lying at least about basic things like how old you are to anyone since people do not matter if you have to lie to them, but."

I exhale, see him nod, possibly keeping up with what I'm saying, and say, "If you continue starting fights, fighting because you're angry, no matter how right you think you are, your chances will continue to lower, especially when fighting only for yourself when the only justifiable reason to fight is to protect people that mean anything to you, including keeping brothers you care about from making dumbass mistakes, and further more fighting when they call us anything, knowing when we leave the room they will always call us some fucken name, is pointless unless you ask him to repeat himself and then punch him in the face without stopping, and when questioned by anyone you say that if that racist asshole ever calls you a nigger again you will beat him until he blacks out, and that is because not saying what he called you is giving that word, giving that fucken idiot, all them, power over you, not saying what happened is in some way serving him, and so next time that happens you do not lie and you tell them all, specifically him, looking at him and no one else, that the next time he calls you a nigger after school behind your class where no one can hear him being the bitch he is you will beat him until he blacks out. Can you learn to do all of that?"

I exhale, remembering where I grew up, where racism exists in other forms, but still exists fundamentally in the school system, knowing I more than likely would've done what he did if I had been in his place, not knowing back then what I know now, that what happens to us in those fights is different from what happens to those racist assholes because we are always the aggressor and we always receive the harsher punishment, including a week suspension from school.

I see him nod and hear him say, "Yes sir, I'll do that, and my mom says I gotta learn stuff I learn at the shelter and anywhere cuz everything got a lesson."

I exhale and feel my smirk, knowing that is something a parent would say and how similar that is to what Malcolm X said about every loss containing its own seed, knowing there's possibly some sort of lesson here for me too.

I inhale and say, "Good, one scoop, any you want, and you eat it on the way back."

I see him inhale with his smile and say, "Go."

I see him run over to the door, open it, see him run over to the counter, and feel my smirk, walking to the door, thinking about what lesson there is here for me to learn and what that Jazmine head would say that lesson is.


I hear her say, "Been long time auntie."

I look over at her, kiss that little head, feeling her holding my arm, and say, "It has been but don't worry. I promise they're okay and are probably just hanging out and maybe, knowing how your uncle is, when they get back they'll both know how to fix at least one more thing in the shelter or how to be even more productive because your uncle sees how much everyone, specially someone as polite and cool as him, matters, and your uncle just wanted to take him away to let him walk with him a little and who knows, maybe go have a race with him."

And I hear that cute laugh, kissing that head again, making me smile, and see those dark eyes look at me, those dark eyes that aren't red anymore after washing her face, telling Frank what happened, remembering how he smiled and said 'boys will be boys,' kissed Tamera's head, and said to have fun with me, right before Tamera asked if we could go to the front to wait for them. I see that cute smile and she says, "You think Uncle Howie will win the race cuz he's bigger?"

I feel my smile and say, "Well, maybe, but remember when someone's smaller than someone else sometimes they can be faster and sometimes, a lot of times, they can even be more," and I put my hands on her sides, seeing her eyes get big, and say, "Ticklish!"

And I feel her trying to get away, hearing her laughing, hearing her ask for 'mercy auntie mercy,' and I hug her, putting my face on her shoulder, smelling that shampoo Monica says she uses for them, how nice it smells, like what little girls need to smell like, and feel her hug me, and hear her say, "Love you auntie."

I inhale, remembering she said that when we babysat them weeks ago, knowing we've known them for a long time, before Tia was born for sure, but we didn't get close to them until this last year when they moved here, when we got to be this close to them, knowing my sister is probably still carrying Tia in the backyard, hugging her, telling her I love her too, knowing my sister will probably not let go of Tia all day because she loves tickling her and putting her face in that soft pretty afro that's in those two braids today, telling her how cute and smart she is, knowing Ming and Lauren have taken her away from my sister but only for ten minutes and then my sister wants her again, so happy she has Tia to be her littlest sister after Ming and Lauren, and I have all of them to be my little sisters, like Tam Tam, hugging her, and hear her say, "Auntie, can I ask you a question please?"

I move away, nod, see her purse her lips in that cute way when she's thinking, looking away, and she says, "Can mommy and me and TT call you and Auntie Cindy if we," and I see her stop, looking away I think embarrassed.

I move in, hugging her, nod, and say, "I expect a call every few weeks at least, or every day if you want and my sister and me are already going to be calling you to make sure you and TT are out there playing and having fun with games and books and summer school homework and anything else you do and if you don't call me I'm gonna tickle you when I see you again until you can't take it and saying 'mercy' is not gonna stop me, okay?"

I feel her nod, feeling her hugging me harder, knowing I'm going to put a reminder on my phone to call them every week, and hear a voice say, "You'll shouldn't be out here, ain't safe."

I exhale, feeling her letting go of me, and see her look over at him.

I hear her exhale and hear her say, "But why Mr. Cairo if my daddy said it's okay to come here with my auntie?"

I exhale, hugging her, feeling her grab my arm, looking at that long French braid she wanted I think after she saw that both my sister and me had braids today, and say, "It is okay Tam Tam, it's the middle of the day, and we're right in front of the shelter and the people that come here are nice and we are being safe, not standing on the sidewalk or talking to people that are passing by unless we know them, just waving from here and saying hello, and we're going to keep doing that, being safe, and not talking to strangers, just saying hello and what do we do if strangers do want to talk to us?"

I feel her move into me, hugging her more, keeping her safe, and hear her say, "When they wanna talk to us we tell them no and that my daddy and grandpa and uncles and adults are inside and can help them but not us and we'll go get them and not talk to strangers."

I smile and hear him say, "And what if they try taking your ass?"

I inhale, looking up at him, and say, "Cairo!"

I see him look at me, see him exhale, wanting to punch him, and he says, "What? Asked a question 'bout shit that," and I say, "Cairo! Stop talking like that around them! You don't talk like that around little kids!"

I see him exhale, see his eyebrows lowers, lowering my eyebrows, and say, "Cairo, go away if that's how you're going to talk around her. I don't care what you say around me, I don't, it's how you talk, that's up to you, but don't talk like that around her. She's little, they all are, and shouldn't hear that."

I see him exhale, see him tilt his head like that, feeling those tiny hands squeezing my hands and hear her say, "Auntie I heard stuff like that before but only on T.V. and mommy said it's not good for me to say those words and I didn't because they told me not to say them, but then I heard them here too, but are they bad words?"

I exhale, looking down at that braid, hugging her, closing my eyes, remembering how mad he would get when he caught me watching 'those shows I shouldn't be watching or I'd turn out to be a bad girl' he said, how he wouldn't tell me why or what I should do when I heard those words, if I could say them, he would just get mad, turn off the T.V. and yell at me to go to my room for a timeout, even if I was already eleven, treating me like I was a little kid always, like he wanted to keep me being a little kid no matter how sick he was, asking my mom about some of those words and her saying that it's okay for me to know them but to not say them because, and I smile, remembering what she said.

I exhale and say, "Some of them are bad words, but even the ones that aren't you shouldn't say because they could make your brain mushy."

I feel her inhale, opening my eyes, looking down at those dark pretty eyes looking at me, and she says, "But I wanna be smart like mommy and my aunties and their mommy and Ms. Mary and my teacher and a mushy brain's not smart."

And I laugh, hugging her, kissing that little head, and say, "You're way too smart to have a mushy brain ever so don't worry about that okay, just don't say those words so TT doesn't say them too because my mom says our little sisters are always looking at us and that means if they see us saying those words they'll think it's okay for them to say those words too and we have to be good examples."

I exhale, hugging her, remembering mom saying that to me a long time ago, even before she became my sister, almost like mom just knew, telling her Cindy was only three months younger than me and her smiling that pretty smile and saying that Cindy still thinks of me as her older sister and I have to set a good example, not knowing what that meant back then but knowing my mom loved us and I should listen to her, so I stopped even thinking about saying bad words and I think they only come out now when I'm not thinking about it.

And I hear her say, "Okay, no bad words cuz I don't want TT's brain to get mushy."

I start laughing, bring my legs around her, not sure why, but wanting to keep her safe, and hug her with my legs too, feeling her turn into me, hugging me, and say, "Yes Tam Tam we're gonna keep making sure we keep our little sisters, all of them, all safe and making sure their brains never turn mushy."

I feel her nod and hear him say, "Didn't mean to say that, just."

I feel her turn, see her look up at him, not wanting to really look at him, and hear him say, "Just you'll should stay safe, I don't know, maybe in the back."

I exhale, rolling my eyes, knowing we all come here at least once a month on the weekend to help, if not more, we know most of the people that sleep here, and I inhale, remembering how many times he's almost done so many things to me.

I exhale moving away, standing up with her, and hear her ask me if we're going to go look for them.

I smile, thinking that's a really good idea and we'll only go down the block and then come back, and hear him say, "You ain't going nowhere."

I inhale, see her look over at him, and hear that tiny voice say, "But why?"

I exhale, getting in front of her, picking her up, turning, and hear him say, "Jazmine, I said you ain't going nowhere."

I start walking, hearing his steps behind me, saying my name, I think hearing a car.

And I keep walking, holding on to Tamera, not caring, hearing him behind me, hearing a door slam and hearing her.

I exhale, walking, knowing I'm not going to let Tamera hear any of that, and keep walking, hearing that girl, hearing her call me a half white girl, knowing I can't beat her or do anything because she's not as important as the little girl I'm holding. I feel my eyes open thinking about the little girl I'm holding.

I put her down, see her look up at me, and I turn her around facing her away from me, and put my hands on those little ears, feeling her putting her hands over mine, and feel her keep walking.

And I feel my smile, not hearing anything that woman's saying, hearing instead Tamera humming and then singing her favorite song, remembering Frank told me Monica started having them watch 'Barney and Friends' episodes she grew up with because she didn't like what's on T.V. right now. And now they only let them watch some shows that are on T.V. so Tamera and Tia can have stuff to talk about with other little kids at school but Monica said it was funny that Tamera and Tia actually like watching 'Barney and Friends' and 'Reading Rainbow' more than the cartoons they have on T.V., hearing her singing that song, learning the words to that song:

"I love you, You love me, We're a happy family, With a great big hug, And a kiss from me to you, Won't you say you love me too, I love you, You love me, We're best friends like friends should be, With a great big hug, And a kiss from me to you, Won't you say you love me too…"

I smile, singing with her, not hearing them anymore, just singing, and hear her inhale, and hear her say, "My friend!"

I look up and feel my heart melt seeing them, how cute he looks walking on the side next to the street. And I let go of those little ears, grab that little hand, and say, "Let's go!"

I feel her start running with me, making sure to stay next to her, not running too fast, and see him look up at that afro asking him if he can go, and see the afro nod, and see him start running to us.

And we get to him and feel my eyes open, feeling Tamera let go of my hand, and see her go into those arms, hugging him, I think squeezing him, seeing him get so red, making me laugh, and hear Tamera say, "Zari you took too long, we gotta play."

I see Zari exhale, kind of hugging Tamera back, and see him get redder, making me laugh harder, trying not to but I can't with how red he is, remembering he blushed a lot on Thanksgiving day but didn't get this red.

And I feel those arms hug my waist and feel him go into my neck, I think feeling him inhale, hugging him back, looking at Zari hugging Tamera with that red face, seeing him looking down at her, remembering how tall he is and why I thought he was a teenager but really he's a little kid, nine years old, like Pete and a lot of kids in the backyard right now, a lot of them younger than them, and Tamera who just turned nine years old in January when Tia turned six, hearing Zari telling her he's sorry for almost hitting Pete and he didn't want to make her cry, remembering how mature he is, how he's probably had to be because of growing up with only his mom, living on the streets when they can't stay at their aunt's house, asking my mom what we could do for him, for kids that go through that, hearing her say we could call child services but that would mean his mom, those parents, would lose their little kids they love and probably are just having a hard time for a little bit and will get back on their feet soon and she said because she had to talk to child services some times for her clients that finally got back on their feet and wanted to get their kids back that child services always checks on people with low income, Black and Latina moms always, women that are just trying to get by with bad jobs and no health insurance, little education so they can't get better jobs, and they always, always check on them to see if they lost their job so they can take away the money the government gives them and even their kids, their little kids. Like how does that make sense? When someone loses their job, not because they didn't show up to work or did anything wrong, but because their job can't pay them anymore, being 'laid-off' Huey said, the government will check on them and tell them to get another job now or they'll lose the money they get from the government or the 'subsidized' rent my mom said they get or even their kids because they can't afford their rent, and just how does that even make sense? A government is supposed to help not make them stress about that stuff, but really help, and not just with training for another job but maybe making their neighborhood a better place to live so those moms feel comfortable leaving their kids at home with neighbors to watch them, knowing there's a clean and nice park there or a center where kids can play or a community garden where their babysitter can take them to play with dirt, a government that thinks a bus pass is the same thing as a car my mom said. Like how are those women not going to be tired from going to work all day, being there, going home, going to get their kids from the babysitter or school, walking all day, and just, just.

And I hear him say he wants to count once before he goes back to work.

I exhale, knowing he works really hard, knowing one day him and his friends, all of us have to see things be better, we have to, seeing Zari move away from Tamera, turn her around and see them start walking back with Zari walking on the side of the street, making me giggle.

I feel him squeeze me, turning back to him, kiss that cheekbone, and say, "Come on bestie before they leave us behind."

I feel him nod, feeling him letting me go, and I turn around and see them, over that cute long braid on Tamera and small afro on Zari, seeing them standing there, I think looking mad, squinting my eyes, and seeing her say, 'Why are we trying when you still want that half white girl even if you need a real black woman, like the rest of her family, all of them look half something, not even really black.'

I inhale, seeing Tamera walking back to the shelter with that long straight hair in that braid, that hair she got from her mom, and I run up to her, hearing her talking to Zari.

I grab that shoulder, and see her turn to me, see those dark eyes looking at me with that light brown skin, those eyebrows, that straight hair, everything that reminds me of her mom, how pretty her mom is because she's also part black, her mom that's making her watch 'Barney and Friends' episodes she grew up with because she loves her, blink, and say, "Remember that song you were singing right now?"

I see her smile and nod, feeling my smile, and say, "How about you teach Zari that song and sing it together all the way to the backyard?"

I see her nod, feeling her get excited, letting go of that little shoulder, and hear her start telling Zari about that song, feeling those arms going around my waist.

I see Zari exhale, kind of annoyed I think, feeling that chin on my shoulder, seeing Zari roll his eyes, and see Tamera hug him, hearing her say, "Please, please, and you'll be my best friend forever please, please, pretty please?"

And I start laughing, hearing them both groan, closing my eyes, laughing at how cute and alike Zari and Huey are, feeling him squeeze me, and hear Zari say, "I guess, I mean yes, but you start."

I see that cute smile, see her open her mouth, and hear her start singing, feeling those hands leave my stomach, and see him put his hands on Tamera's shoulders, still hugging me, feeling my eyebrow rise, and see him turn her, facing forward again, and see him move her over to the left, hearing him tell Zari to stay next to Tamera, and then feel him move me forward walking.

And I smile, hearing Tamera singing and Zari keeping up with her, hearing him stumble a little on the words like he does when my sister and me read with them, how good he's gotten at reading the words slowly out loud to make sure he says them, not correcting him, just asking him to read the word slowly, seeing my sister point to the word, to each syllable, remembering mom doing that a long time ago, when we first got to know Cindy, how she went to really good schools, could read good but hated it, how my mom would sit there with her and make her do her homework with me on the weekends, coming in to check on us and ask us if we needed help, seeing her sit down next to my sister and asking her to read a little out loud for her, and seeing my sister not frown, like she always did with people that weren't me or mom or Riley. When my mom would ask her to read for her my sister would just smile, nod, and read, stumbling on some words with my mom pointing to the word, asking my sister to read each syllable and then the whole word until she said it right and without sounding uncomfortable saying it, just like we're doing, asking him to read each syllable, and then read the whole word, until he says is right and without sounding uncomfortable saying it, seeing my little sister pointing to each syllable, hearing him say it right, clapping, all of us clapping, telling him how smart he is, hearing him exhale, I think happy, and hearing him say the next word, how good he's gotten at that, and then telling them all they need to go play outside for a little, remembering I think something Huey's mom did for him when he would stumble on words, making him play outside.

And I can't help it, being outside in the sun, hearing them singing, starting to sing with them, feeling those arms around my waist hug me tighter I think, hearing Zari not just keeping up anymore but singing along.

I exhale, singing, passing them, happy Tamera and Zari were on our other side and with the singing probably didn't hear them, didn't hear her, and walk through the side door into the backyard.

I smile seeing everyone still playing, my sister and Ming and Lauren playing with the little kids on the swings in the new jungle bars in those awesome blue and yellow covers, the guys still playing that basketball game with the older kids, and see Pete running over to us, feeling those arms leave me.

I look over at Lauren, knowing she was really worried, remembering when Huey and Zari left Lauren trying to talk to Pete, how he wouldn't talk to her, he was just mad, remembering how worried she looked trying to talk to him about not getting into fights, how Hiro tried talking to him too but he didn't want to talk to him either, just said he wanted to play basketball and then talk to Tamera. And I see Lauren walking over to us, seeing that worried look with Hiro walking behind her maybe to stop her from trying to talk to Pete if he's still mad, like Hiro did when he took Lauren away to the jungle bars and told her he would make Pete run off that anger.

And I hear him panting and hear him say, "Where'd you go Tam Tam?"

I look down at him, feeling my eyebrow rise, remembering something Cairo just said to me, not trying to compare them but that just sounded like something he would say, and hear Tamera say, "Um, went outside with my auntie to look for my uncle and Zari."

I see Pete inhale, see him exhale, looking kind of mad, and hear Zari say, "You can't call her that cuz only her mom and dad and family call her Tam Tam."

And I see Pete look over at Zari, inhale, not wanting that to happen again, and I see a hand grab Pete's shoulder and I look up and see Hiro.

I hear Pete exhale and hear him say, "I'm going, just wanted to talk to," and hear another voice say, "Bro we switching it up and we need more to make it a good game, bring them three!"

I look over where that voice came from and feel my smile seeing Ming hugging Caesar around his waist.

I exhale, seeing Caesar talking to Riley, happy he looks okay, he looks okay, I think a little serious still like he has been for the last two weeks, but he looks okay now. And I know Ming said he's been talking to her a lot more about that stuff, talking to his mom too, about hanging out with Mr. Samuels after that first time they talked, how he knows about his father more now, where he is I think, for sure in Brooklyn, and just how things have been bad for him for a long time, and Ming said now Caesar's trying to think about what he wants to do because his father, I guess now that he knows Caesar's here or maybe because he just wants to, wants to talk to Caesar too. And I see him start laughing like that, seeing him looking at Ming, I think because she just tickled him, feeling so happy my big brother looks okay, remembering my sister, standing next to Riley holding Tia right now, how my sister and me hugged him the next day, the day after him and pop's went to see Mr. Samuels to have dinner and talk to him, remembering Caesar hugging us back in the hallway of the school, hearing him say he was okay, he really was, but he liked having a girlfriend, friends, family, and little sisters that cared about him.

And I exhale, seeing Huey and Hiro pushing Zari and Pete to the basketball court, seeing Riley and Caesar grabbing those brand new cool soccer goal nets someone donated, brand new ones, knowing some people are really nice, really care, and hear that voice say, "Tam Tam you go play too, remember we girls gotta be strong and playing makes us strong."

I look down, see Tamera smile and nod at Lauren, and see Tamera run off to the court.

I exhale, putting my arm around her, hugging her, knowing she's a little sad, and I feel her hug my waist. I see Caesar bending down to talk to Zari and Pete and hear her say, "It's just been hard for him I know it and I don't know what to do Jazzy. Like I wanna help him and those two times they brought him over and he stayed at my house we hung out and watched movies and had fun but it was always kind of hard because he was just so."

I feel her put her head on my shoulder, exhale, seeing the guys telling everyone how to play, seeing Hiro pointing at different places on the court I think telling the kids where they're going to all go, and say, "I know Laurie, I remember you said it took you a little while to make him smile both those times, like every time he comes back from being with his parents he's just harder to make smile, like because his parents are just not there, just leave him with other people, maybe people he doesn't have fun with like you, maybe it just hurts him and he closes up like that."

I feel her nod on my shoulder, see Caesar telling the kids to move out, remembering I think both Caesar and Hiro played soccer at their other schools, and hear Lauren say, "And it just feels like since I came back it got worse, like just me being away for weeks for practice, even if he did stay at my house those two times, made him close up so much and I just don't know what to do. I mean I know I'm not his mom or dad, I know, but it's hard because since I went back to my job I've seen that his parents get there late every day, like because they know I'm gonna be there they just leave him there until the program closes, where little kids like."

And I see that kick, looking at the ball going back and forth, seeing it get to Tamera, see her kick it, and hear Lauren say, "Little kids like Tam Tam and TT only stay there maybe once a week, maybe, because their mom or dad always picks them up right after school, but with Pete they just don't even try I think, like they just pick him up as late as they can and he tells me when they get home they just go into their offices and work in there, away from him, leaving him in the living room with their cook who already made dinner and just him there alone again, playing by himself, and I just don't get it."

And I see the ball go to Zari, see him start running with it, see him kick the ball to Tamera, and hear Lauren say, "Like at least after he's been at my house for maybe half an hour or an hour he's better and smiles a little, like how he was smiling here when they were all playing before that fight almost happened, and I know he's a sweet kid because he was really happy coming today, specially after I told him my friends were gonna be here and Tam Tam and TT too, remembering they all go to the same school but I know Tam Tam and TT hang out with girls in their classes and when I've seen them there after school and say hi to them I don't see Pete talking to them, maybe because he's shy I think, I don't know, but I know he's a sweet kid, he's just maybe mad, my Hiro says maybe a little angry, because of how his parents are with him, how they don't give him attention, but he's a good boy."

And I see that kick, see Pete standing in front of the net move to grab the ball and see the ball go over his head into the net, feeling my smile that they're all having fun, hearing the cheering, and seeing Tamera grabbing Zari's hands jumping up and down I think excited that Zari made that goal, feeling so happy, and feel my eyes open seeing it, seeing Pete get to them, and see Hiro step in front of him, and grab him and turn him around.

I exhale, hugging her, knowing she wants to go, and say, "Just keep trying okay Laurie, don't give up, we don't give up on our boys and girls, we don't, specially because little kids need people like you that are strong and confident and one of the best friends ever, okay?"

I feel her exhale, hugging me tighter I think, and hear that monotone voice say, "Now do you all understand the rules?"

I feel my eyes open, hearing Lauren giggle on my shoulder, and look over at where I heard that voice coming from, and feel like falling seeing all those cute little kids, all from three to seven years old, looking up with those big eyes at him, all with their little mouths open, and I can't help it, taking out my phone and taking the picture, hearing that sweet deep voice next to me say, "Come on sis befor' ma big bro scares those little kids that much where their little butts won't come back."

I start laughing, nod, and hear Lauren say, "I'm getting Mimi's to help."

I exhale, feeling Lauren let go of me, seeing her walking over to Ming, and hear Tia say, "Auntie Cinny, wanna hide."

I look over at them, see my sister put Tia down, and hear her say, "Then go befor' uncle starts counting and 'member what I said 'bout hiding."

I see Tia smile at my sister and she says, "Be quiet or they find me."

I inhale, remembering what she went through, putting my arm around my little sister, and hear her say, "That be it lil' one, go."

I see Tia run off to where the other little kids are still looking up at that afro and say, "I love you and I'm not letting anyone hurt you ever again."

I feel her put her head on my shoulder and hear say, "I know Jazzy boo and you my everything too."

And I feel those other arms going around my waist, smelling that lavender lotion on my shoulder, and hear Lauren kiss my sister's shoulder, knowing we all won't let her hide ever, I know it, walking over to where Tia is running to.

And we get to them, see the little kids nodding with those little mouths open looking up at him, and hear my sister say, "A'ight and you hiding from all of us and the ones we find you'll know the punishment."

I see them all nod with those smiles, some of them trying to walk away to their hiding spots already, hearing my friends all laughing, remembering they didn't know the punishment the first time but now they do, and say, "Okay, we're all going to turn around with our eyes closed and Huey will count."

I exhale, seeing them all starting to look around for their hiding places, trying to not laugh with my friends and sister, and turn and start walking over to the wall.

We get to the wall, face it, and I put my arm on the wall, like I do when stretching my legs before starting our training, and hear us all giggling, I think hearing those little feet all running around the jungle bars, to the bushes, running all around the yard, I think behind the little storage room another company donated yesterday Huey said, where they can keep the backyard toys now. And I feel that hand on my lower back, on top of my sweater, feeling my smile at him being cuddly even here in the backyard of the shelter, and hear him say I think facing the jungle bars, "Remember everyone the rules are I will count to thirty, as of right now you all know how to count up to that number, I will not help in retrieving you, and they can administer the punishment, now."

I hear my friends start laughing, giggling at how cute and Huey he is even about this, and hear him say, "One, Two…."

I exhale, knowing I'm so kissing that boy when we get home tonight, specially because he's going to need those kisses before tomorrow.


She didn't kiss me enough, yesterday or this morning. Focus Huey.

I exhale, hearing the noise, significantly louder today, focusing on the words, the pages, rather than the noise, and continue reading, knowing at the very least, based on what she wanted today, I will be able to read through several pages, possibly an entire chapter.

And I know Caesar and Ming are monitoring the platforms so I can possibly, maybe, relax, regardless of the thought at the back of my mind that tells me relaxing is something we cannot do, but maybe, possibly, she's right, and we can relax and actually enjoy ourselves for some time now, knowing at least until we, or rather logic, deem necessary, I'm staying close. And she asked me this morning to continue focusing on this, be it this book or the work, the work we will continue with knowing changing the system from the inside out requires calculated change and not punching broadcasters as I've dreamed of doing several times, focusing on this book right now, a book about how the belief in Allah was separate from the political aspirations of Muslims based on the reality that it has never been socially acceptable within their society to force conversion.

I hear that laughing, focusing now on that laugh, feeling my smirk, shaking my head at her laughing at anything, possibly enjoying herself, feeling my smirk possibly get bigger, and hear a voice say, "Hi, are you here alone?"

I exhale and say, "No, my girlfriend's fifty two feet away."

I hear her say, "Oh, okay, well."

I exhale, focusing on the written words again, the ones I've read several times over in other books on history, the murder of human beings because of power, land, money, beliefs, always with a twisted fantasy of people's race, their ancestry, what land they come from, making it not only acceptable to kill those people if they don't willingly accept with that their oppressors want but also making it righteous to kill those people, because their god told them it was righteous to kill them.

And I see her place that paper with her phone number on the table and hear her walk away, remembering the last time this happened, fifteen minutes ago, and I grab that paper, ripping it up, crumbling it up, and throwing it in that plastic bowl with the last one I ripped up, not wanting to deal with her grabbing that paper, and having to take it away from her before she tries to do something with it again.

I hear that laugh, exhale, knowing she must've not seen this one, and continue reading, remembering why I'm here, because they needed to come to 'shop' even if they haven't purchased more than a pair of jeans in one store, feeling my smirk, knowing now more so than before that she doesn't come here to spend money or even purchase anything, but really to spend time with her friends.

And I look up, feeling my smirk, seeing her put that small hand with that ring over her mouth, feeling that material around my finger I haven't had a reason to remove after I was done cleaning at the shelter yesterday, seeing her laughing with that hand over that smile, hearing them all laughing about whatever they're talking about, having made sure to be far away enough to give them privacy, looking at them as little as possible to not lipread what they're saying, knowing some of their conversation had to do with yesterday at the shelter, what they're all planning to do this summer, some events at that institution that I could not care less about, and Cindy and Ming's party, and see him sit down in front of me, feeling my exhale, knowing I was fucken wrong about him leaving, focusing, closing my book, knowing since he hasn't left I can now drag him out myself, feeling my smirk, and say, "The fuck do you want?"


I hear that voice I love say, "The fuck they look so mad, ain't like we mean shit to their asses or even care 'bout them?"

I see those shoulders move and down, see those charcoal eyes look at my sister over her cup, see her put down that cup, and she says, "Don't know girl, just looked mad, all of them, looking at your table like they wanted to set it on fire or some shit, don't know, but cuz of that we cut out after lunch."

I feel my eyebrow rise, see that pretty smile turn to me, knowing how she doesn't like missing class, and she says, "Jazzy, just because I don't like to ditch or whatever doesn't mean I'ma stick around to find out what those people are all up to so I called my sister, told her I didn't wanna stay, reminded her what happened last semester on the last day, how this semester I got some B's in some classes that I still hadn't shown up to that day but I could email my teachers to tell them I'd do the extra credit assignments even if it doesn't bring my grade up to an A and cuz I think all my teachers like me they wouldn't care if I did miss class that day, and my sister said she'd call the school for me, tell them she wants me home early and she would let my boyfriend's parents pick me up, and told me I could hang out with him until she got out of work cuz she was working late again, then my man called his mom, she came to pick us up when lunch ended, we went to their house, backed cookies with his mom who makes some bomb ass white chocolate macadamia nut cookies, watched movies, and ate dinner and watched the news with his parents when his dad got home. Was fun."

I smile, seeing her blush, I think really happy, and hear that voice say, "And when you bringing some of those bomb ass macadamia nut cookies when we chill?"

I see Lena smirk at my sister and she says, "I got you Cin. How 'bout first Sunday we all hang again I'll tell my man's mom and we'll make like forty?"

I start laughing with them, knowing I want some too, and hear that voice say, "And I'm actually happy you weren't there for our class, even though we missed you."

I look over at her, see those brown eyes looking at her plate, seeing her small smile, feeling my eyebrow rise, thinking about two days ago on Friday, what we're talking about, how much fun it was to just wake up late that day, go to the Freeman house, meet everyone there, some in their night clothes, saying they brushed their teeth and were there to just hang out and didn't care what they were wearing, smiling at that, hanging out at the Freeman house all day with everyone, Huey, Riley, my sister, Ming, Lauren, Caesar, Hiro, all of us playing Nintendo, eating pizza, actually having a whole day off because I had asked if the day before could be my last day at the nursing home until I went back next semester, if they still want me next semester, Mr. Willis told Huey and Riley since they were all back they wanted Huey and Riley to stay home and not go to work that day because the next day we were going to be at the shelter anyways to help taking care of the little kids that were going to be there because of a big meeting Mr. Willis wanted to have, remembering all of us planning that, taking that day off on the last day of school, not telling anyone but our closest friends, emailing teachers the night before, so happy with all of it, wanting to maybe do it every year, blink, remembering what Adah just said about school, about our class, Ms. Reed's class, seeing Adah still looking at her plate with that small smile, and say, "Wait, why? Anything bad happen in class?"

I see Adah exhale, see her nod, looking kind of uncomfortable, and she says, "Well, yeah, um, Michelle, um."

I see her inhale, I think remembering something, looking at her plate, and hear another voice say, "She slapped Cairo."

I blink, look up at Mackenzie's chocolate brown eyes, see her taking a bite of her pizza like she didn't say anything important right now, and hear a voice say, "Sounds like a normal day in your class from what Jazzy tells our asses. Shit, surprised that bitch didn't sit on his lap, make out with him, and then slap him, all in front of your class, but wouldn't surprise me if that shit did happen."

I look over at Ming, see her writing in her notebook, remembering she told us she uses all of us sometimes for her story, and start laughing, hearing us all laughing.

I exhale, not really wanting to ask, and hear Ming say, "But I do want little bit of drama for my enemies. What happen?"

I giggle, shaking my head, taking a drink of my water, and hear Adah say, "Well, we were all having group like the last day last semester, you know with those rules Ms. Reed had us write for the groups where one of the suggestions five people asked for, don't know who because I know it wasn't Kenzie or Johnny or me, was that Michelle did not sit with us or Cairo, so Ms. Reed wrote that rule up, and then when everyone was in group, everything was okay I thought, a note came from the front office and Ms. Reed told Cairo it was for him and his sister was there to pick him up."

I feel my eyebrow rise remembering something he said once, see Adah look at me with that raised eyebrow, and she says, "Yeah Jazzy, I remember him saying that in group too, that he doesn't have brothers or sisters, but I didn't say anything, and then I saw Michelle get up, walk up to him, and slap him, screaming at him that he doesn't have a sister and it's a girl he's seeing that he said he was going to stop seeing after he slept with her the night before."

I feel my mouth open, remembering Thursday right after class ended, that last day we all went to school, Michelle crying, hoping she kind of, maybe, would just let him go, and hear Lauren say, "Okay, that is only her fault because she has to know, I mean I think the whole school knows, that he just won't be faithful to any girl."

I exhale, nod, and hear a voice say, "Is man whore one or two words?"

I look over at Ming, see her writing in her notebook really fast, and I can't help but start laughing, hearing us all laughing again.

Oh Black Jesus, I love these Sundays.

I exhale, drinking my water, and hear that voice say, "So just getting this right, none of us shows, people saw that asshole and that crazy ass bitch and some other ones we know don't like us at our lockers in the morning, our lockers got broken into, stupid as fuck to do cuz I heard they turned on those cameras in the hallways this year anyways, but who gives a shit cuz we all took our stuff out the day before, then."

I hear Ming stop, hearing her writing, and hear that sweet deep voice say, "Then all of 'em, all them bitches and dicks be looking at our table during lunch all fucken mad just cuz we don't show, so fucken mad looks like they wanna burn it and shit."

I inhale, nod, and hear that confident voice say, "Then during the last period that estúpida that scratched our Jazzy that last time, something we haven't forgotten about, slaps that sato because he's being a sato all because she's still trying to turn that sato into a non-man-whore."

I look over at her, see Lauren in that half cute ponytail with those long black layers coming down to her chest, putting her drink up to her mouth, blink, knowing she just called Cairo a 'sato', a word she taught us that day at her pool when we were talking about people at school, and I close my eyes and start laughing.

Oh Black Jesus and I think I hear other people outside of our table laughing with us.

I exhale, smiling, remembering the doctor saying I gained weight since the last time I had gotten a checkup and I told her it was because of all the training I do with my sister and friends, how strong I am, remembering how the doctor said both my sister and me looked like we have more muscle too but we looked thinner, and say, "And if we need to we can paralyze them all."

And I hear them laughing again, making me laugh too, turning to her, hugging her, my little sister, knowing how much I love her, all my friends, everyone that came to hang out with us today. Lena, Lily, Mackenzie, Adah, all of us, so happy, and hear a voice say, "Young ladies can I ask you how you all know each other? It is church group or young people's group?"

I feel my eyes open, look up, see a lady holding a little girl's hand, a little girl with that pretty chocolate colored skin and blue eyes, such blue eyes, seeing her looking at me with those big blue eyes, blink, and look up and see her holding the hand of a black lady, a pretty black lady with a yellow sunhat and a matching long yellow dress in a style I've seen before but I think only once, that pretty yellow flare skirt with that small white pretty bow in the front, and hear that confident voice say, "Um, no ma'am, not from church or any group, we're just friends from school at Wuncler High but can we ask where that accent is from, it's so pretty?"

I hear us all exhale, knowing it is pretty, see the lady smile at Lauren, and she says, "Sim. Comes from Brazil, where we're from, travelled here, and decided it's nice place to raise our daughter but we want to send her to only the best schools and only ones where she can have many American friends, many different American friends, and now I know where to send her. Muito obrigada."

I exhale, smiling, seeing her walk away with that little girl, maybe six or seven years old, reminding me of Tamera and Tia in those cute pink dresses they have them wear sometimes, and hear a voice say, "Yeah, Blue Ivy it is."

I look over at Lena, see her smirking looking at the lady and little girl walking away, and I start laughing, feeling my sister hug me, hearing us all laughing, and hear her say she loves me.

I kiss her cheek and hear Ming say, "Cools, adding that little kid to my story somehow, don't know how yet, but next, need more romance. Lily girl what's going on with you?"

I feel my eyebrow rise, look over at Lily, feeling my smirk, remembering us talking about how much fun the barbecue we had for my sister and Ming's birthdays was, see Lily looking down at her plate with that smirk and blush, making us giggle, and hear her say, "Yeah, so been talking to him, and I don't know, talked to Jeannie about it and she said it has been like over six months since I started seeing her and said it could be I don't know, like good for me or something, so she told me it's up to me but, you know, first I should talk to my mom and all, but could be good for me."

I exhale, feeling happy for her, knowing he is really nice and I like him, and hear Lena say, "So for reals, you really ain't into Dewey?"

I look over at Lena, see those braids in that cute bun again, remembering how it makes her look even prettier because I can see her face more, knowing a lot of guys were looking at her in the arcade even if Dewey was coming to check on all of us a lot, I think really just trying to talk to Lily, and hear Lily say, "Well, Dewey is cute, ain't saying he's not, but I just don't know, like with."

I hear Lily stop, look over at her, see her exhale, seeing those longer dreads she put in that short half ponytail again, like at the barbecue, feeling my smile, and hear her say, "Like with him I like that he goes to my school, I know he's asked about me at school and I had told my friends to tell anyone that asked that I wasn't trying to meet people, and thing is."

I see Lily exhale, see her look at her plate with that sandwich she's still eating, see her looking at that sandwich kind of like it has answers she's looking for, and hear her say, "People at my school know and just with how my school is I know lots of people know about you know, when he."

I see her inhale, see her blink, and see Lena's arm go over her shoulders bringing her into her body, and hear Lily say, "When he did that shit to me, cuz he did that, I didn't do shit, didn't do nothing to deserve that, when he did that and I told my cousins and they almost killed his ass, beat him so bad I still remember and smile thinking about it, kinda, maybe, really wanted them to kill him, I did, then I had to stay home they said so I could just recover, start seeing a therapist, you know, and be away from anything that could make me get depressed or stress me out like school and shit, then going back to school after weeks of being gone, and knowing people at my school found out, don't know how but they did, going to that group they have there once a week, meeting other people that been through some shit like that, my friends being so good to me, just hugging me all the fucken time, even when I'd cry, making sure I'd make it to the front of school every day where'd my mom would pick me and sometimes their parents would pick me up, take me home, and then they would let my friends hang out with me until my mom got home, and just not leaving me alone ever cuz they loved me, they love me, so I just knew it wasn't them, they didn't say shit to the school, but still people at my school knew that it happened, and I know, I know that he knows too, and I just kind of."

I see her stop, exhale, sniffling, thinking about all that pain she must've been in, hearing that cute kiss Lena gave her on her head, seeing Lily smirk at her plate, and she says, "I just kind of, in a weird messed up way, want him to know that that shit happened so I don't gotta explain why I go see Jeannie every other week, why my friends never wanna leave me alone at school, and why sometimes, not so much now, but sometimes I feel so fucken cold, like I'm naked, like ain't never gonna be enough clothes in the fucken world to cover me up, and I cry, and Jeannie said it's okay if I wanna cry and to just fucken cry and then pray a little if I want to and then go hug the first person I see that I know cares 'bout me, and I just don't wanna explain that shit to anyone, not one fucken person, no one, and it's just easier to maybe see someone that already kind of knows because my school talks so much he knows, kind of told me he knows when he said he had been wanting to talk to me since last semester but wanted to just give me space and time but if I'm okay with it he wants to talk me, take me on a date, anywhere I want, and he says he has more than one job so I don't gotta worry 'bout where I wanna go and he can pay and all I gotta worry 'bout is if I'm okay with getting picked up in an old Honda that smells like pizza."

And now we're all laughing, thinking about that, how cute that is because I know none of cares about that, and hear another voice say, "I'd take the pizza smell any day over cologne and body spray."

I look over at Mackenzie, see those chocolate brown eyes looking at Lily with that small smile and blush, and start laughing harder thinking about her saying how Gerardo's car smells like that because of his little cousins who he picks up before going to school and just how happy she is that Gerardo doesn't wear any cologne.

I exhale, hearing us all exhale, happy, even if we we're sniffling right now, thinking maybe we sniffle and cry a little sometimes, laugh a lot, because we care about each other and we just have so much fun together, hoping, really hoping we can see her soon when she's not so busy with finals and end-of-the-semester projects she said, and hear that sweet deep voice say, "Think, for once, taking credit for this one."

I look over at my sister, see her smirking at Lily, and hear Ming say, "Nah ah Cin bear, we both taking credit cuz that barbecue was for both of us, and I want details on that date Lily girl cuz that's what I need for my story cuz it's been too serious for a minute and I need more romance for all my characters, not just the main ones."

I smile, hearing us laughing, putting that spoon in my mouth, tasting that soup, thinking about him sitting at that table, knowing he, well both of them, him and Riley, were being stubborn when we told them on the way to the shelter that we wanted to come with our friends today to shop a little, and they said we could only come if one of them came with us. And for some weird reason Huey said he would come. But, I exhale, knowing why. He still hasn't used his credit cards or that lady's credit cards and it's been weeks, and I do feel a little worried but I know Black Jesus is watching, and him, Tom. I inhale. Tom, no one, is taking these days with my sister and friends away from us, just like our Friday nights with our mom and the life my mom and sister worked really hard to build for us. No one is taking that from us. But I am happy he's here, I am, knowing he's sitting at that table that I haven't looked at in twenty minutes. I exhale. And the reason I haven't looked over there in twenty minutes is because last time I did I saw a girl there. I had gotten up, walked over to him, saw that girl left a note with her phone number, grabbed that note, and started walking up to her to beat her with it, but then I felt him hug me, heard him tell me to calm down, and he kissed me, here in the food court at the mall, a little kiss, but still, he kissed me at a place he says is crowded and horrible, because he's Huey Freeman and he doesn't care what people think about him, because he's here to protect my sister and my friends and me, I know it, feeling my smile, and hear her say, "Okay I'ma ask."

I look up from my soup and my thinking, see Lily looking down at her sandwich, see her swallow that bite, and she says, "So, never dated a Spanish guy, and I just don't know if things, you know, are different with them, like are they all you know, macho and shit, like they won't let you talk to other guys and get all overprotective, like really overprotective?"

I feel my mouth open and feel my eyes look over at her, see those chocolate brown eyes look at us, see her get super red, and hear a voice say, "Kenzie I think you're like the only one here dating someone that's Latino."

I see Mackenzie look over at Adah, see her smile with that blush, hearing us all giggle, see her nod, and she says, "Well, yeah, it's only been two months and yes he is Latino, Mexican actually, and he's the first one I've ever dated, but about that, him getting overprotective about me talking to other guys, I."

I see her exhale, see her look at her plate like she's thinking, and she says, "Well, I kind of really don't talk to other guys anyways, I mean I have friends at school and in the club and at church and when Gerardo goes to church with me he doesn't tell me anything about not talking to my guy friends and."

I see her exhale, see her look away I think remembering something, and hear Adah say, "Wilber."

I feel my eyebrow rise, see Mackenzie look at Adah, nod, and she says, "Yeah, Wilber did try asking me out again even after I told him that I'm dating someone but you know I'm trying to be nice because he's in our club, and I did tell Gerardo and he asked me if I wanted him to talk to Wilber and I told him no because it doesn't matter and I like him and I don't care who ask me on dates because I'm dating him and I told him to not worry about it and I'm always gonna tell him when they try asking me out because the pastor says we have to be honest with whoever we're with and I think hearing that made Gerardo happy, but thinking about this stuff, I guess Gerardo's been okay with guys asking me on dates because I tell him, I don't know, but I do know that he says."

I see Mackenzie stop, see her exhale looking at her plate, and she says, "He says his dad was very jealous with his mom about anything she would do, even talking to other men, even his own uncles, and that's why his mom divorced him, but I think, you know."

I see her exhale, see her blink, I think looking at her plate still, and see that hand on her shoulder, feeling my small smile, happy her and Adah have gotten so close, and hear Mackenzie say quieter, "You all, not just Adie and Jazzy because I have them in class and I know they're my friends, but you all are my friends too and I trust you and we share a lot about each other so I can tell you that he told me his dad used to hit his mom, really, really bad, and with help from their church and his mom's family she left him, divorced him, and then moved here to be closer to her family, all of that happening after his older brother went to prison because of some stuff that happened where they used to live in Los Angeles, so I do know he says that he never wants to be like his dad, putting his family through that after already going through losing his older brother being locked away in prison for a long time, and he just wants to always respect girls, do what his older brother tells him to do and not get into trouble, help his cousins stay in school, go to church, and just be a good person, he wants to be a good man one day, go to college, maybe work with kids that went through stuff like that, and I like that about him a lot, I like him a lot."

I feel my small smile seeing Mackenzie smile, see her look up at Lily, see her smirk, not remembering Mackenzie ever smirking, and she says, "And after the barbecue we talked a little about his cousin and he said that that cousin isn't like one of his cousins that goes to our school, that that cousin respects girls, goes to church when he isn't working, works a lot, doesn't get into trouble, the reason he doesn't watch him at school, they talk when they need to but he likes him, and he noticed when he walked into the barbecue that he didn't stop looking at you and that's why he started talking to him, kind of, maybe, hoping, after he got out of work, he would come back and hang out for a little."

I feel my smile get bigger and hear Lily say, "So you'll conspired against me so I'd talk to him and give a chance?"

I see Mackenzie grab her pizza, hearing Adah giggling, see Mackenzie take a bite of her pizza, swallow, look up at Lily with that smile, and she says, "A little."

And know we're all laughing again, so much laughing, so happy we all came to shop and hang out, all of us, wanting this so much, even if he was being so cute and so stubborn. And I want to go kiss him right now because he's that cute and stubborn, let's me order him lentil soup he said would have too much grease but he ate it anyways because he trusted me that it would taste really good, and I look over at that boy.

I inhale, get up, walking, running, hearing my friends, and get to him, around him, putting my hands on those shoulders, and look at him.


I see that focused look and she says, "Okay, tell me."

I exhale, sitting up and kissing those lips, and say, "Later."

I feel her inhale, feeling those hands on my chest, pushing me away, opening my eyes to those greens, those bright greens with that look, and she says, "No Huey, you said you would tell me when we got home and you wanted me to keep having fun. I did, I did everything you said, not leaving anywhere without you because of that other stuff we're not gonna talk about right now, but you said when we got home you would tell me what happened between you two, why you were so hot, why even he looked mad and just got up and left, all of that, you were gonna tell me when we got home, and when we did get home I even talked first, told you about what we did today when you were letting us hang out, at least to help you calm down a little more, but now I want you to tell me. So please tell me? Please? And remember I love you so know that," and I kiss those lips, holding that soft face, kissing it, and say the selfish truth, "I love you, but just right now, I need you, after I will tell you, but right now I need you."

I feel her kiss me, tasting those lips I didn't kiss enough today because of where we were most of the damn day, tasting that tongue I possibly wanted to taste after having that Ethiopian lentil soup, feeling those hands I possibly kept looking at all day, those soft hands pushing me down, possibly letting her push me down onto the bed, feeling those kisses on my face, and exhale after being at that crowded, horrible damn place, the mall, most of the day.

I feel those breasts pressing me down onto the bed, those hands going around my shoulders, those plain covers on my back, the ones that are nothing like her, feeling all of that warmth she is, feeling her kissing my face, and hear her say, "I love you, we get weeks to do this, and," and I feel that heat moving up and down my dick, wanting to be inside of her right now for as long as she'll let me, hugging what's mine, what will never be anyone else's, fuck what the world or he or anyone else thinks, feeling that afro in my face, those curls, tasting that neck, feeling that heat over my dick, feeling myself twitch, and hear her say, "And for now, because I know what you need, I don't want you to think about what's happening outside of this room okay and it's been for sure more than seven days now."

I inhale, opening my eyes to see those plastic stars through that thick hair, those plastic stars I'll remove when it suits me or when I have time to or when she wants me to remove them, move up, kissing her, asking her, knowing how I was raised no matter how close we got to it last time, and say, "Are you sure Jazmine? We don't have to."

I feel that warm hand go down my dick, under my underwear, holding me too tightly, inhale, wanting to finish on that small hand first and then anywhere else she wants me to finish, and hear her say, "Yes but only if you want to."

I inhale, kissing that face, knowing we're alone because for whatever reason Grandad is at Ms. Lola's tonight, my brother and her sister are at her house with her mother and Leo, and we're alone in this house, behind the locked doors, the alarm system turned on to high alert, and she just said I belong to her and she wants to feel me inside of her.

Fuck. I grab that string, pulling on it like I wanted to when I first saw her in it, walking into bed, knowing what I wanted, to pull on that string and see those hips with nothing on them, but I also wanted to talk to her first, possibly, to hear her talk about her day at the mall, even if I was there, I still wanted to hear her talk about anything, the platforms, how she sent those emails for me after I went back to work yesterday even if we talked about that last night, talked about how we are still waiting for replies from attorneys and organizations, people that want to help the cause, the work, feeling those breasts pressed down on my chest now without that shirt she was wearing, feeling those hard nipples through my shirt, knowing I'm hard enough already, remembering just how many times she said she belongs to me regardless of what anyone, what fucken pieces of worthless shit, say, feeling her take off my shirt, throwing it somewhere in the room, making sure to stay close all day today, walking behind them to let them talk, watching fucken idiots look at them, not realizing how many go to the fucken mall on Sundays when they're there, hearing her laughing with them, feeling my shorts moving down along with my underwear, seeing that blonde afro going down, feeling my shorts moving down with those soft hands, those nails moving down my legs, seeing that afro moving back and forth in that arcade, from one of those games to another, wanting to possibly, maybe, walk over to her to have her show me one of those pointless games she was having fun with but not wanting to disrupt how she was enjoying herself with her friends, staying there, leaning on the wall, watching everyone walking around, reading my book, making sure I knew where they all were at all times, feeling my shorts and underwear coming off of my feet, knowing last time that fucken racist piece of shit was at that arcade, waiting to beat him if I saw him, seeing that afro moving back and forth in all its glory, soft with no materials, hearing her laugh and giggle and encourage her friends playing those games, that soft afro moving back and forth, soft like her, feeling her over me, feeling those hands on my chest pushing me down, seeing those greens, and feeling those legs going over my legs, on my sides.

I exhale, holding on to those thick legs, the ones she has because she's a healthy thick black woman, remembering him walking up to me and telling me that asshole would be showing up today, he couldn't stop him, but he told him I was there, seeing those bright greens over me, feeling her over me, that warmth over my head, knowing if I look down at those breasts I won't last at all like last week when we tried this position on our anniversary, remembering even further back, three weeks ago, when she wanted to show me the medical summary, the one her doctor gave her as proof, kissing her, not caring what the summary said because I trusted her, she told me that Sunday morning where they were going, I told her I would take her and would stay in the waiting room or in the car, saw her smile and she said her mother would be dropping her sister and her off and picking them up and she wanted to be there alone with her sister because they both wanted to get a checkup and talk to their gynecologist about getting the shot since she was about to start her menstrual cycle and wanted to get the shot that day to have it take effect that week even if we were going to wait weeks thereafter, not the recommended seven days, but weeks, pass our anniversary because anniversaries are pointless when you feel obligated to do anything that day simply because it's that day, when she's more special than even that, than any one day. And that Sunday three weeks ago when she brought me that medical summary I marked my calendar so I could take her to have her get the shot again two months and three weeks from that day, regardless of where we are, if she still wants to get it, feeling those first set of lips with the head of my dick, seeing those bright greens, feeling those hands pressing down on my chest, feeling the material of that ring she's wearing pressing down on my chest, hearing her say she loves me, feeling my precum, and inhale feeling her moving down, passing those first set of lips, feeling my toes curl, seeing that mouth, those full lips, open, that darker Egyptian green in that brightness, and feel those slick folds cover my head completely, letting me have her like this, twitching into the tight warmness that she is, letting me have her like this.

Too tight. Too slick. Too warm. Too much. Fuck. There is only one god and his prophet is Muhammad. I push those thick thighs down, hearing her curse and call me that, like she does at times, the few times she has, feeling all of it, that slick tight warmth surrounding my base, closing my eyes, knowing all of it will change, statistics will change, numbers will change, through the cause, the work, coming out, feeling those soft hands pressing down on my chest, knowing if it all doesn't change we'll force it to change, pushing into that warmth, into that tightness, feeling those nipples over my chest now with those curls over my face, wanting all of it, more, hearing her saying it over and over into my ear, 'I love you baby,' not enough, moving into that warmth, holding that ass, feeling that cleanness I am, the good man I will be, feeling myself coming into that warmth like only a good man could into a woman like her, letting me have a good woman like her, moving faster into that warmth, feeling those small nails digging into my shoulders, smelling those curls on my face, being in that place where only she exists, hearing her say she wants more and she's coming, knowing, like I know who I am, who my family is, there's good in this world because she inhabits it and that's possibly the point to all of the chaos, the stupidity, all of the misery here, Chicago, every place there's people in pain, blacks, browns, all of us, everywhere, because, if I believe in more than science, possibly in spirits, different worlds where my illusions could be more than illusions, maybe visions, prophetic ones, maybe even as real as I am black, that pain exists because it just does, because we live in this systematic killing and suffering of our black and brown brothers and sisters, and she for me, possibly just for myself, as selfish as it is, as selfish as it will always be based on my own logic, balances that for me, because of who she is she balances that for me, and I'm selfish enough that I can live with that, I can live with her balancing this world for me, possibly always has, the reason I have always known I would somehow end up where those greens are, hugging that lower back, what's mine, knowing she has a choice to not be with me, she's always had that choice, cursing every being in me, regardless of my reasoning behind it, for making her cry ever, feeling that unbalance, the unbalance of knowing she has a choice, and hear myself say the selfish truth, "I'm sorry I made you cry, ever, I love you Jazzy, and I need you to stay."

I inhale, knowing that sounded just as lunatic as it is no matter how true those words are, knowing there is only one truth to what is, regardless of how many perspectives there are to any situation, there is only one truth, and that sounded like a lunatic, an obsessed man asking a woman to stay for his own sanity, knowing she should leave before it gets worse, before I need her even more, and hear that voice say, "I know I said it before but I'm sorry I told you to go away at my lemonade stand, I was annoyed that day, you didn't deserve that, and I'm not going anywhere. Now, I need you to get hard again because I want to feel you, just you, again, but first I wanna taste you with me on you."

I sit up, grabbing that face, kissing it, hugging her into me, wanting to feel those breasts just like that, kissing that face, that neck, that smooth shoulder, putting my face in that afro, smelling it, feeling my damn smile, kissing the skin on that shoulder, feeling that shiver in her body, possibly my own, feeling that energy, getting hard, and say, "I'm already getting hard enough, you can taste me later, but right now I want you under me. Can I have that?"

I feel those hands on my face, feel her move me away from that hair, and see those greens with that shine.

I see that focused look, feeling her move just enough to feel that warmth surrounding my dick, inhale, knowing there is more than enough good in this world to work with, and hear her say, "Yes my Nubian king."

And I know, I am hard enough.


I hear that cute laugh, making me laugh, feeling those hard arms, and say, "Bestie I'm not letting you and the guys put those color bombs in our lockers just to make them all be red or blue for a day. I mean what if they're allergic to that stuff or something, they could get sick you know?"

I hear that deep laugh, smiling, hugging those hard arms around me, and hear that monotone voice say, "That kind of allergic reaction is so rare I will even say it won't happen and ambulances, including the nurse's office, have antiallergic medications for various reactions, so just let me."

I exhale, shaking my head at him being so playful, and say, "No bestie, save that kind of energy for something else, I don't know, like for paintball shooting with everyone one day."

I feel him squeeze me, feeling that rumbling in his chest on my back, the rumbling that makes me feel so happy, and hear him say, "That sounds mildly interesting, maybe fun."

I exhale, smiling, knowing we're so planning that, feeling those forearms I'm holding, not knowing anything could feel so good, so complete, so safe, knowing I'm going to keep working at making him feel safe too, like how he makes me feel, making him laugh more, like how he's been making me laugh since we stopped making love, talking about school, our friends, little kids here and in Chicago, so much, knowing he's been smiling even if I can't see him, hopefully, I hope Black Jesus, hopefully like how he makes me smile when he's annoyed or when he's being playful or being cute, like right now. And I'm going to keep working at all of that, making him smile more, no matter who's at our school, breaks into our lockers, we see at stores or at the shelter or at the mall, remembering how those guys kept looking at my sister and friends, how he stayed behind us to make sure to protect us, even if we can take boys like those, but still, because he's worried, I know he is, about that other stuff we're not going to talk about right now, he stayed with us all day to protect us, letting us have fun and protecting us, having fun walking around the mall with my sister and friends. The mall.

And I feel my eyes open, turn around in those arms, and look up at that face. I exhale, seeing that beautiful face in the moonlight, those auburns looking down at me, see him exhale, and say, "Yes bestie, I haven't forgotten. Tell me, please?"

I see him exhale, see him come down, and feel him kiss me.

I close my eyes kissing him back, wanting to always kiss him, not knowing how I got this lucky, ever, putting my hands on those hard sides, feeling those soft lips move away, and hear him say, "Fine."

I open my eyes, see those tired eyes that have to be tired because of being at the mall around all those people today, smile at him, knowing I'm not going to ask too many questions because I know he's tired, and he says, "He showed up when you were all eating, I said nothing because I saw him, knew where he was, then he left the floor, and I thought that was it and he knew to not come back, but the fucken idiot came back."

I nod, see him inhale, see him come down, and feel him kiss me.

I exhale, kissing him, not sure why he's being like this, so cuddly, not letting me put my clothes back on, telling me to just stay in bed with him to talk, and now kissing me like this, like he needs kisses right now, kissing him back, and feel him move away.

I open my eyes, see him inhale looking at me with those tired eyes, and he says, "He said he was there because he wanted to first tell you he was no longer seeing that girl."

I feel my eyebrow rise and say, "Okay, did he say anything that's important?"

I see him exhale, see him come down, and feel him kiss me, letting go of those hard sides and bringing my hands up to that neck, kissing him, going up to that nose, those eyebrows, that forehead, kissing all of it, hearing him exhale, and hear him say, "Yes, and the reason I'm telling you that much is so you know everything he said, as pointless as it was, and the only thing of importance that idiot said is that he received a call from Dolores."

I inhale, moving back, see those eyes blink, and say, "What?"

I see that smirk and he says, "I belong to you."

I exhale and say, "And I belong to you now tell me what he said about her?"

I see that smile, feeling my smile at how beautiful he is, and he says, "Only what I already knew, that she is still as immature as she was last year and just as sick as those people, she's still trying to secure the inheritance from that family possibly by other means that do not include myself or my brother, even though she apparently still wants to know if we're going this year, and."

I see him exhale, see that look, the worried one, and I go up and kiss that face, happy he lets me kiss him so much, whenever I want, hearing him exhale, feeling those hands on my back going down, and hear him say, "She said you shouldn't go."

I feel myself blink, moving back, looking at those tired eyes, remembering she's a girl our age, how I felt bad for her, I still kind of do, but then what she said about them, about Huey and Riley's mom, knowing she was so wrong, and why is she asking if he's going to go when he already told her he doesn't want to see her again, and why am I so mad about that, about her asking about him at all? Like why? Is it because she is our age, she's connected to that family, she was really pretty, completely black, a completely black really pretty girl, our age, that has money and wanted to marry him? I inhale, blink, and feel him kiss me.

I feel those hands on my butt, feel them under my butt, kissing him, wanting it again, so much, hearing him tell me that he wants me to go, he does, tasting that chin, kissing him, kissing that neck, feeling those hands squeezing my butt, feeling myself moving, laying down on the bed, feeling my legs opening with him between them again, hearing him say that he wants me to go and he'll protect me no matter who she paid, how she offered Cairo money to make me stay here, feeling him on top of me again, trying to figure this out, why she wants him to go, why she doesn't want me to go, why she's asking Cairo about me, why she knows about me, blink, seeing that afro, that face, and pull away from that beautiful face, seeing that annoyed look.

I exhale, feeling my smile, and say, "Bestie, we're talking first okay and then we'll, you know."

I see him exhale, feeling that happiness because he's annoyed, and say, "Then, we'll make love again, but first tell me how does she know?"

I see him inhale, see that face come down, and feel him go into my neck, hugging him, feeling those hands going over my butt and then hugging my lower back, feeling his cock, trying not to feel it but it's right there, and hear him say into my neck, "I'm going to find out when I get there but I believe, the only logical way that she's getting that information is through someone we directly associate with but I'm positive, seeing as the only people that have that information can stand her just as much as we can, she must've paid someone to access their accounts, possibly their emails."

I inhale, knowing we did email them, but even though I don't like her because of what she did last time to Caesar, why Ming sends me emails and then I send them to her, remembering talking to her, I don't see her telling Dolores anything about us.

I exhale, thinking he's really smart to figure out that maybe Dolores paid someone to check their emails.

And I feel that cock next to my thigh move, inhale, and hear him say, "Jazmine."

I exhale, putting my hands on that neck, feeling him getting too warm, thinking maybe he needs a massage talking about this stuff, massaging the back of his neck a little, feeling him exhale, and hear him say, "I told that fucken idiot to not come to me again with useless information knowing if you go anywhere I'll be there and he's a fucken idiot thinking I'll assume he wasn't involved somehow, that she didn't offer him money for useless information on us, any information, and he didn't take it. The fucken idiot said I didn't know what I was talking about, that taking care of you here and taking care of you there where a girl like her who has money to pay people and doesn't want you there is is completely different, that he didn't tell Dolores you were going even though he already knew you were, that's how he protected you he said, by not confirming if you were going or not, telling her to not get near you, saying some bullshit about knowing he could take care of you better there, where he has people, and then he went on about how you don't fucken belong to me for some fucken pointless reason about your age, the fact that you should see other people, let you be with other people because you don't belong to someone like me, you don't belong to that family, you don't want to be connected to them, to those murdered, those cut up bodies, the ways they kill people right now, people they think do not matter, and I need to let you go, and you have a choice Jazmine, you have choices, you don't have to go, regardless of what I want, to protect you no matter who they pay, no matter who they offer any money, but you have choices, you do, you can stay here, where it's safer, away from that fucken family, that dark place, go to Chicago later, alone, without me, as much as you want, and I'll watch you while I'm gone, I'll watch every fucken camera, and monitor it all, and if the alarm goes off I'll be here in twelve hours at most, ten if I'm driving at night, I will be, just stay, just," and put my legs around him, kissing that head, that soft afro I love, I do, I love that afro, holding him, feeling him shaking, how hot he feels, hot, not warm anymore but hot, holding him, moving that afro back, kissing that forehead, and say, "No, okay, no Huey, I want to go, and I don't care that she told Cairo or anyone that she doesn't want me to go, because we're going, my sister, my mom, all of us, and I want to see Aunt Cookie, the phone calls we get to have with her are not enough okay, and we have too much planned this summer for anyone to stop us, specially a sad girl that says lies about people that were good people, a girl who doesn't know anything, specially who you are, that you'll be doing all of that, watching the cameras from there, taking care of me from there, even if you're stressed and have other things to do, important things like spending time with Aunt Cookie, fixing her house, talking to your family and friends, all of that, you'll still be checking the cameras, everything, all because you're worried about Tom, and," and I feel that head I'm holding move, letting go of it, see those eyes with that auburn color, and feel him kiss me, feeling those hands going down from my lower back to my hips, then my legs, and feel those hands pulling my legs apart.

And I inhale, feeling that head pocking me again, pocking my vagina, like that last time, asking me again, kissing him, feeling that afro in my hands, that afro I love and only I know how soft and curly it is, and I want to be the only girl that knows how soft and curly it is, and say, "You're not going anywhere, Chicago, to visit Shabazz, universities you wanna see, without me if you want me there, and yes."

And I close my eyes feeling that filling, that completeness, hearing him curse again, feeling that weight, that weight that feels like warm water I think, like a warm ocean, an ocean where I can look up and see those stars, those night stars, kissing that neck, feeling those waves in that warm ocean going over me or inside of me, hearing him say he wants me everywhere he goes or he wants to be everywhere I go, I don't know, holding those hard sides, feeling that thickness going inside of me with those waves, hearing myself tell him that I want him to go everywhere with me so we can help people always but first I want him to come inside of me again, feeling those waves going in deeper, I think, feeling that heavy ocean over me and inside of me, feeling those arms around me, those arms I'm going to protect here and anywhere he lets me go with him ever, because I love him, I do, hearing him breathing, feeling him shaking, hearing him say, I think, that he loves me and he doesn't care how the world works, I think, I don't know, feeling dizzy with that warm water coming out of me, that cock coming out me, knowing I'm dizzy from coming, and hear him say, "I want you there Jazzy and I'm not leaving you alone, I possibly can't, here or there, anywhere, and I'm not done with you yet."

I exhale, nod, remembering he has to be tired after today, he has to be, but, and I don't know how I know this, but I want all of that too, I do, and hear myself say, "I don't want you to leave me alone and I'm not leaving you alone either, now lay down."


I feel my smirk, remembering her showing up at my door that morning as I was leaving, slightly annoyed and confused as to why she was there when I had left her in her bed half an hour before, safe, forty feet away from me, in her house with her mother and sister and the alarm set to high alert where she would be all day unless she left with her mother or sister or my brother anywhere.

I looked at her, saw those black converse, those dark jeans, that long dark gray sweater, not knowing she would look that damn good in that color, saw that face, knowing I had wanted to recount those freckles that morning for my own selfish perfectionism but I woke up late possibly because of how late we fell asleep the night before, letting me feel happy, saw that bun over her head, that bun I wanted to cover with my hand for many pointless reasons and would remember to do later, saw that smile, and heard her say, "I woke up right after you left and remembered I said I wasn't leaving you alone, so let's go bestie."

And I felt my damn smile and then we drove there.

I was able to take her every day and regardless of whether she enjoyed it or not, wanted it or not, or truly didn't want to leave me alone, I enjoyed it all, I wanted it, and I didn't leave her alone. I feel my exhale, remembering how I enjoyed her being there with me, helping in any way she wanted, cleaning, organizing, going through the platforms, talking to the people that stay there, helping them sign in for the night, seeing her talking to Mr. Willis, Frank, Monica, replying to emails when I couldn't, seeing her help distributing food, seeing her smile talking to the daytime employees she normally would not get to talk to, walking her to the nursing home because that Jazmine head still wanted to help there even if she no longer had to, leaving back to the shelter knowing she wouldn't leave the nursing home without telling me, going back to pick her up when she sent me a message, walking back with her, hearing that voice tell me about how much she enjoyed seeing Monique, the residents, being there during the day, keeping her under my arm, to keep her safe, getting to the shelter, feeling that warmth seeing her run up to them, seeing her walk away holding their hands, and following her to the backyard. Then, while seeing her playing with Tamera and Tia and other kids that had stayed there the night before or were there to use the new playground, I heard Frank tell me he needed me.

I exhale, possibly longer, not surprised after that first day some of the employees brought their own kids knowing Jazmine would be there. And then the next morning Jazmine's sister also came with us, possibly to help Jazmine take care of so many kids, ages three to ten she said, all too young to be left alone or even with older siblings now that school was over and summer school had not started for most of them. And more than likely those children would normally require childcare that cost their parent's money, money they would be saving because Jazmine, her sister, and her friends that showed up the next day, said they would not charge them for that childcare. All of that was also partially possible because my brother decided to show up early the first day Cindy went with us, showing up earlier than his scheduled time, saying he was there because Cindy told him they needed help cleaning the mess those kids would make and help with those outdoor games and assignments they wanted to set up, not surprised that same day Monica asked my brother to start coming in at nine in the morning. And on that fourth day when Ming and Lauren also showed up to help in administering, enforcing, and achieving of those assignments and games, assignments tailored to each age bracket, assignments they created from online instructions, talking to Jazmine's mother, their own parents, and Lauren's experience at that daycare center, I should not have been surprised Caesar and Hiro showed up during their lunch break.

I was surprised those two said they were not only there to see their girlfriends but were also there to force my brother and I to take a lunch and could extend their lunch time to make it back to Leo's store by staying late at the store. And so they forced us all to leave for an hour wherever they wanted to eat, not knowing why if I mildly, selfishly, only wanted to take her to lunch every day, they showed up every day after that day, but accepting it as something that I could accept and possibly could enjoy as well because she enjoyed it, hearing her laughing with them, feeling that hand on my leg, feeling relaxed, completely relaxed, happy, laughing with them. And every morning I got that, hearing that voice talking to her sister on the way there, smelling that black coffee she made for me, putting my hand over that soft one, knowing we were driving there again, and, I exhale frustration knowing that fucken idiot would be there at noon after he asked Monica for extra hours, being there every fucken day, knowing he would try talking to her.

I inhale hearing that voice telling me how again she walked away from him even if she didn't want to be 'rude,' trying to relax, feeling those kisses, hearing that voice tell me Mr. Willis or someone was always around and they would ask him why he was talking to her again when he should be fucken working, and I inhale longer, smelling that coffee, hearing that voice talking about kids, having that insane idea to not only get an apartment near campus with her one day, but to talk to her about how those games help children, children that would be healthy, black, happy children that speak, act, and look like her even if biologically that is not how characteristics from one generation to another are transferred.

I exhale, feeling for her, those kisses she gives me, feeling for that place, knowing she has been there every day with me, understanding I was an idiot as a kid and should have asked her to be my girlfriend years ago, having her in that place years ago, hearing her laugh every day for hours and not just every few days, feeling her touch me like she does, not caring how and when this started as long as it continues, as selfishly as I can continue feeling this, this happiness, feeling for her, protecting this feeling in every way I can, which includes not letting her out of my sight all summer and longer or until I figure out where the fuck he is, inhale, not feeling her, feeling that energy.

That energy. That energy I woke up to, again, again. Fuck.

I inhale, open my eyes, not seeing her there, in that place she should be, I want her, that place I want her to be, remembering it's the night before, the night before, exhale, knowing it's the night before and she should be in her house, resting from being at the shelter with me, at the nursing home visiting Monique, helping in both places, taking care of children for two weeks every day, resting right now in her house with the alarm on high alert ready to go off if there's forced entry to her house, upstairs, in her room, inhale needed air, behind her closed door, with weapons of her own, being a weapon herself, exhale, knowing she's a weapon herself, her only possible weakness being how much she cares for others, and hear that scream.

I inhale, moving, getting to the door, opening it, too slow, running, opening the door, outside, hearing that scream, seeing those greens, seeing her, in that dark blue car with the fake wood on the door, seeing those greens behind that glass, seeing that fear, running, seeing that white hand cover her mouth holding something, a cloth, seeing those eyes with that fear closing, seeing those greens closing, getting to it, swinging into that window to get to her, hearing that sound, feeling that metal with my fist instead of glass, being push back, hearing the sound of that gas petal being pushed down, the screeching of those tires, holding onto that car, that car driving away, that fear in those eyes, holding onto that car, feeling my hands slip, my fucken hands slipping from that car, oil on that car, oil my weak hands are slipping from, seeing that fear, that hand on that glass, screaming, hearing her scream, my weakness letting that car go, that car with no license plate, hearing screaming, screaming from others on her front yard, screaming from them, hearing them crying, hearing them coughing, because I didn't protect them, because they were hurt, because she's screaming, running, feeling the liquid, that blood running down my legs from those scraps when my weak hands, all of my weakness let go of that car, I let go of it, I let go of her, my weak hands let go of her, seeing that fear in the distance, running, too slow, my weak legs, too fucken slow, too far from Dorothy, too far, screaming, my weakness screaming.

Screaming, feeling the shaking, hearing a voice, my brother.

I open my eyes, see him, see his eyes wide open, see that fear covered by frustration, and hear him ask me why the hell I was screaming.

I exhale, shaking, moving those hands away, getting up, hearing him ask me where I'm going, seeing him, Grandad standing by my door, hearing him ask me if I'm fine, nod, and say, "Yes, fine, need to check on her."

I get to the door, grab my coat with those keys, exhale, remembering to put on my shoes, opening the door, seeing that car in the front, that black car, not a blue car, not a blue one, walk, walk, walk, get to that front yard, taking my phone out, shaking, stopping the fucking shaking, getting to that app I created for these two houses, swiping to turn off that alarm, putting my phone back in my pocket, still fucking shaking, getting to their front door, putting the key in, turning it, walking in, closing the door behind me, locking the door, turning the two additional volts, taking my phone out, turning on the alarm, and hear him ask me if I'm fine.

I look up from my phone, see him by the staircase, nod, knowing he's here, knowing that, exhale, and say the truth, "I need to check on her."

I see him exhale, see him nod, and he says, "I understand son. I haven't slept well for some time now either, possibly."

I see him inhale and he says, "Possibly reminding me of a feeling I had weeks before she died, not listening to it, that feeling, and the reason why I told her I was sleeping over tonight to just be here."

I exhale, feeling some relief, and say, "Thank you."

I see him smirk and he says, "Go. I'll be driving and fell asleep early enough to be rested for the drive so you can try to sleep on the way there."

I nod, knowing that's not happening, walking around him, taking the first step up, and hear him say, "After you check on her, if you want, wake me up, and I'll help you making any changes you feel are necessary."

I exhale longer, nod, and say, "Thank you Leo. Thank you."

I walk up those steps, faster, get to that door, opening it slowly, hearing that sound, and close my eyes, hearing the sound of her breathing.

I inhale, knowing reality, opening my eyes to that reality, walk in, closing the door behind me, taking my shoes off, and hear that voice say, "Bestie?"

I exhale, closing my eyes, feeling it, remembering that fear in those eyes in that reality, the one that's not real, and hear her moving, knowing she's fine, she's here. I feel those hands on my shoulders, feel those breasts on my chest knowing she's standing on her toes again, feeling my smirk at that, feeling those soft fingers on my neck now, exhale, and hear her ask me why I'm crying.

I inhale, opening my eyes to that worried look, go down and taste those lips, grabbing her, wanting her, wanting her to remind me she's here, she's right here, not in a fucken car being taken, with that fear in those eyes, pushing through that mouth, tasting that tongue, the one she says I'm clean enough for because I belong to my father's family, my Grandad's family, Aunt Cookie, harmless cousins, my mother and only my mother.

I kiss her, trying to have her clean me of those thoughts, the ones that are being pushed to the back of my mind possibly because we're so close to that place now, those thoughts being pushed back by the ones right here, right now, the ones of her not being here in my arms, under me, that body under me, feeling her pushing my shorts down, and feel that small warm hand encircle my base. I bite that neck, feeling her squirming under me, hearing her say we can't be loud, and feel my eyes going into the back of my head as I'm going inside of her.

I hold her, washing myself in her, smelling her, feeling how soft and strong she feels, knowing she can break a glass window, she can, she knows enough attack moves to get out most situations even if confined to the backseat of a car.

I taste her, feeling her under me, feeling her safe, wanting to have her wash away those thoughts, all of those thoughts, even the ones of that family I'm not related to in the ways that matter and the thoughts of her not being here or there or anywhere helping me focus on that warmth she gives me, that cleanness she creates in me, kissing her, feeling her shaking, hearing her say she missed me, grabbing those hips, biting that neck, and tasting that blood.

I feel the shaking, even after seeing that reality that will not happen, having those thoughts, still being able to focus on this, this right now, wanting her to always want to be here with me, wherever here with me is, to never get tired of being with me, to never get tired of how callous I am with those that are close to me, how cynical and harsh I still am because of the realities, the ones that are real, the realities of this world where we're killed instead of getting help for any conditions we have, killing us because we're black and we don't matter to them, to those fucken assholes that don't fucken care, the reason why I still must speak the truth and cannot consider how I hurt people, how that seems to most as being too cynical and harsh, qualities that I received from that family and have only served me to become even more cynical about this world, this world she inhabits, balancing it for me, feeling her holding me like this, like she doesn't care about those qualities, hearing her say she loves me and she's right here and she wants me to come inside of her, moving into that warmth faster, feeling that lightness as I'm moving away from that afro, seeing that face, that face with those eyes that don't have that fear, and hear myself say, "I need you to come on my dick Jazzy," knowing I just fucken do.

I see those bright greens close, see that neck come up, and go down to kiss it.

And I bite that neck, slamming into her, hearing her moan, feeling that warmth she is squeezing me, feeling that warmth curling my toes as it does whenever I would dream about her, knowing this is far better than I thought was possible for me, far better than I thought existed in this cynical world, this feeling that's not part of this world, knowing because I'll be a good man I'll be able to protect this feeling, protect her, make changes, possibly make this world into the world my community, her, all of us deserve, a world where I can continue being happy, even if it starts with tweaking those cameras under that window by adding lasers that can kill on contact when they catch movement.


I exhale, feeling happy with that head on my shoulder, knowing he's tired, after waking up to him moving that camera under my window, asking him what he was doing, and hearing him say he was going to build lasers that can shoot heat and send the lasers to Caesar so he can come connect them to the cameras and then those lasers can shoot anything moving outside, and feeling my eyes open.

I got out of bed, walked up to that worrywart, hugged him and told him he was not going to do that because sometimes the McCallister's new puppy comes to our front yard and I didn't want little Kevin getting hurt because that's their baby and Tom was not here and it was a bad dream, and then I felt him turning in my arms.

I looked up at that face, saw it come down, and felt him hug me so hard it hurt a little, feeling how cold he was, like last night, when I saw him standing there in the dark, knowing that tall figure, and called him my bestie. I saw him close his eyes, the moonlight from my window showing me that beautiful face, not saying anything, just standing there, knowing something was wrong. I got up, walked up to him, felt his neck, how cold he was, scaring me so much, and then saw them, that shine on his face from those tears, and knew something was so wrong, wanting to take care of him, and asked him why he was crying because I wanted to fix it, so much. I saw those eyes open, looking at me, and felt him kiss me. And I kissed those cold soft lips, remembering last time when he was crying, how warm he still was, when he told me that pretty painting of his mom and dad made him remember them, but he was still warm. This time he was so cold and I kissed him back, putting my hands on that chest moving my hands over that chest remembering what I read online about when people get sick from being too cold, how you have to keep their chest warm because that's where their heart is, trying to make his chest warm again. Then we ended up in my bed with our shirts off, my underwear off, feeling his shorts, wanting to feel him inside of me again, remembering how thick he is everywhere, not knowing why it feels that good, feeling his cock in my hand, feeling him bite me like he needed to just feel me, I don't know, and then feeling him push into me, letting go of that cock, and trying to not say how much I wanted that, missing him so much even if we just made love two days ago on Saturday night, the last Saturday night before we were leaving, four weeks after school ended, two weeks after we had started helping at the shelter during the day.

For those two weeks we did so much, so happy with all of it, even helping Monique, happy she let me help even if I wasn't volunteering anymore, happy the residents were happy I was there and let me help them, making them tea and coffee, texting Huey when I was done with the last resident because he was worried. He was worried. And he kept getting even more worried every day we didn't know where him and that lady were, not knowing I would like spending even more time with him, helping at the shelter with him every day, with everyone there, Tamera, Tia, Zari, Pete, so many kids that came, and Ming and Lauren there making it better, telling my sister and me about games that could help little kids grow up stronger and games where we could teach them about the continents, how they were all together once, a long time ago. And all of us doing that, Riley helping when he could, Huey coming to check and count when we played hide and seek saying he wanted to count at least once a day, and the guys coming to go eat with us telling us about the shop, all of it being so much fun. And then how much I missed him at night during the week when I was in my bed and he was in his bed, waiting for Saturday, because we had so much fun all day, I think more fun now than before, like the more time we spent with each other and our friends the more fun we had, missing him so much at night.

And I told him I missed him when we were making love last night, because I did miss him when we didn't sleep together, feeling him bite me really hard, hugging that hard torso, feeling him warm again, almost hot, the temperature he is when we're making love, hearing him say he wanted me to be there with him, I think, and telling him I loved him, I wasn't going anywhere, and I really wanted him to come inside of me because I wanted to have all of him, and now that I'm on birth control I can, and I saw that face, saw him looking at me like he does when he makes me feel special, and he told me he needed me to come on his dick and I felt my whole body shaking, seeing that soft black in front of my face, all around him, seeing those stars around that afro, and I did, closing my eyes, feeling him biting or marking my neck, feeling him coming into me again and again, and then hearing him say he'll always protect me.

I exhale, remembering after that I told him to tell me, that he needed to tell me, reminding him that he said he would talk to me about stuff if it's not about that family or things that are hard for him but everything else he needed to talk to me about, and he did.

After he told me about that dream I told him it was a really bad dream and I was right there and he said it wasn't a bad dream, he said he knew bad dreams and that was a nightmare.

I hugged him and told him to go to sleep and in the morning we would put on clothes but I wanted him to sleep now. And he did. I had to kiss that broad back until I heard those long exhales and inhales from him, but he did, and it only took a few minutes of kissing him like that because he was really tired. And then I woke up to him moving that camera under my window.

But, just in case, at least because he moved that camera we'll be able to see anyone parked in front of our house and his house, not just someone parked in front of our house. And that way our house will be protected with the alarm and we can see anyone that tries to get into our house through the cameras on our phones, and I want that because it's my family's house. My family.

I feel my smile seeing my mom asleep with that pretty smile, I think happy, just happy, thinking about what Huey told my mom today, that since she had already paid for our tickets and he couldn't make Frank and Monica take the money back for him and Riley's tickets that they wanted to pay for, he wanted to give the money to her, and he put it in her luggage when he was helping putting our luggage in back of pop's car, seeing that pretty smile and hearing her laugh, telling her 'son' we could use the money while we're here to have fun.

And I feel my smile get bigger seeing that braid on my mom's shoulder from my sister. My sister.

I look over at her, see those closed eyes, knowing, even though I know she's a talented basketball player, she can be anything, even a model, a short one, but still, a model, and I feel my smirk seeing that hand by her leg, that mocha colored hand with those scars, go up, and feel like laughing seeing Riley with his mouth open, asleep.

And then I exhale remembering him coming out of my sister's room this morning, smiling at him because he looked tired too, saying good morning to him, hearing him groan, wanting to laugh at him, and then seeing him walking down to the bathroom.

I walked into my sister's room, saw her sitting under her covers with that look, and then I saw those light blue eyes. I walked up to her, sat down on her bed, and hugged her. Those light blue eyes showed me how tired she was, knowing Riley had texted Huey last night to tell him he was coming over too, we heard the door open downstairs, heard it close, heard those steps, and heard my sister's bedroom door open and close. And seeing those light blue eyes I knew she didn't sleep good either, knowing no matter how much he doesn't talk about it, Riley's been worried too for weeks now, maybe longer.

I exhale, feeling my small smile, seeing that other arm across his chest, knowing he looks tired but he looks like he's getting good sleep, like how everyone is, I think because we're not as worried, because no matter what Tom and that lady are doing, no matter how much they haven't used their credit cards or bank accounts for weeks, over a month now, they don't know we're here, no one knows. Well.

I inhale, knowing some people know, our friends who should always know, and those other people, those people that don't care about us and tell lies about us, and hear that voice say, "That's right pretty lady, you hold on to that thing."

And I feel my eyes open, look over at him, and see Grandad over that afro, sitting next to Huey and in front of Riley wanting to be by the end so he can get up and go to the bathroom how many times he wanted. And I see Grandad slump down under that blanket with his eyes closed, and hear him say, "Oh that's right Ms. Lola, you show me what you playing with."

Oh my Black Jesus.

I pull out my headphones from my pocket, trying to not move too much, put them into my ears, go to my music on my phone, and press play on the first song, and exhale.

Sometimes I decide where I should be
And sometimes life, it just happens to me
Sometimes I decide where I should be
And sometimes life, it just happens to me

Oftentimes I wonder
If I'm supposed to be here
Even though I struggle
The light is always so near

And I feel that arm going around my stomach, making me smile, marking the page I'm on, and close my book and my eyes.

Yeah, smokin' on that really good, man, I wish you really would
Wonder if he's really hood, wonder if I give a damn

I'm the man, I'm the one, the only beloved son

Tell me where you come from, get the bread, fuck the crumbs
Use your head, don't be dumb, use your head, don't be dumb
Use your head, don't be dumb, use your head, don't be dumb
Bringin' it back with the murderous flow
And I've been wonderin', anybody know

Use your common sense like resurrection, yes that is for sure
I've been speakin' in code this whole verse

Lyrics dispersed like MF DOOM, then hit 'em in reverse
My curse, is this blood I spill, metaphorically I kill
Yes, that's for real, can we all keep it trill?

And I hear something, open my eyes, see those sleepy faces, and hear it again.

I look over at that afro, pulling my right earphone out, and hear him mumble, "I'll watch pointless shows." I feel my eyebrow rise and say, "Okay." Then I hear him mumble, "I'll play Nintendo." I feel my other eyebrow rise, and say, "Bestie?" I hear him exhale, hear him inhale, feeling that squeeze around my waist, and hear him mumble, "I'll teach you how to beat them with a jump rope Jazzy."

I feel my eyes open, trying to remember something about a jump rope, Nintendo, and shows.

I exhale, knowing he's being silly, like he is when he's asleep sometimes, wanting to kiss him, remembering I can, feeling my smile. So I go down, and kiss that forehead, putting my earphone back into my ear and leaning my head on that soft afro hoping my side bun and my necklace don't get tangled in it again, and close my eyes, feeling so happy, and say, "Okay bestie, we'll watch shows, play jump rope, and play video games, all of us, in Chicago."

And I feel that hand squeeze my side, getting tired, knowing I'm tired too, and hear the next song.

I keep it on the low
Until I know
That it's you for sure
Just to be safe
The people I have told, yeah
Say, "We can love" (love)
I've said too much
I've said too much
To take it back (to take it back)

You, you
I just can't live without you, ooh, ooh, babe
That shit I speak about, I think about, can't do without
But I can't live without you, you

And I exhale, closing my eyes, listening to that song, knowing I'm not that tired like them and I'll probably wake up before they do.


I feel that hand squeeze my side, open my eyes, and see them stretching, knowing I didn't wake up before they did but happy we landed before I woke up because I do get a little sick on the landing.

I inhale, putting my arms out, putting my head forward, and feel those small, strong hands grab my arms and pull me, helping me stretch, feeling my smile.

I exhale, feeling my sister let go of my arms, look up, see her stretch forward, and I grab those arms and pull, helping her stretch, and hear mom say, "Well we are here, let's go and not keep her waiting."

I smile, excited, letting go of those arms, and look up, seeing everyone unbuckle themselves.

I look up to the front to see how long we have to wait to get off and roll my eyes seeing those girls looking over here at Huey and Riley.

And I feel that hand putting my phone with my earphones around it in my pocket, and see those girls roll their eyes, feeling my smirk.

I exhale, waiting, seeing them still checking out Riley, and see their mom I think push them telling them to walk and stop looking around, laughing with my sister.

And we wait, seeing everyone walking to the front, knowing Huey, how he likes to wait, and I look away, trying to not slap every dumb guy that looks at my mom and my sister when they have boyfriends, feeling my smile hearing Grandad telling them to stop looking before he takes his belt off and teaches them how to respect women, feeling that hand on my thigh, putting my hand through his, knowing he's being good because we're still on the plane and he has a long record.

Finally. After getting off the plane, walking down the terminal, getting our luggage, seeing Grandad and mom walking ahead, knowing Grandad is so overprotective of all of us, specially my mom I think, because she's such a good mom, so pretty, and feel that hand grab my hand, feeling my smile and my face getting red, knowing we're walking here, so public, and he's being affectionate, and hear that voice say, "I will fucken kill 'em, every single one, if you'll don't stop looking at my girl. Fucken test me."

I look up, feeling my eyebrow rise seeing some guys look away, guys that I think were looking at my sister, hearing my sister kiss Riley and tell him to calm down.

I giggle, shaking my head, and hear Riley say, "We getting those pork burgers 'night. 'Ready asked and she said she hooking it up same day."

I hear that exhale, making me giggle more. I look over at him, see him shaking his head, looking down, and I lean over and kiss that cheek, and say, "Bestie we'll make sure she only eats one okay?"

I see him exhale, see him nod, seeing those cheeks I want to kiss getting a little red, feeling my eyebrow rise, and hear the sweet deep voice say, "Shit sis, I'ma eat whatever's you'll don't eat so you ain't gotta worry 'bout that."

And I exhale, hearing my sister and Riley laughing, hearing that exhale from Huey, feeling my smile at my sister and Riley being so similar, dating now, and still being able to find a way to not annoy each other, feeling my heart swell, and I see her at the door.

I blink, picking up my luggage, and start running, remembering that voice in person, not just over the phone, moving around people that are walking too slow darn it, running to that door, see mom let go of her, running out the door, putting my luggage down I think, hearing it fall, and I go underneath my mom's arms and hug her, hearing that hearty laugh, feeling my sister's arms going over me, hearing my sister say, "Aunt Cookie you smell so damn good."

I exhale, smelling her, remembering that smell, knowing my sister's so right, no matter how I feel about meat, how I can only eat a little, sometimes, because she smells so good, feeling those arms hugging us, and hear Aunt Cookie say, "Well sweethearts, I might smell like cooking this morning but you two are the ones that got bit stronger."

I smile, letting go, knowing we were maybe hugging her a little too hard, see that smile, feeling my smile, and see her look over us, seeing that smile go away, and see that big smile coming back, seeing her eyes getting watery, like she wants to cry, and she says, "You two come down here."

I move out of the way, feeling my sister stand next to me, and see Riley step up to Aunt Cookie, feeling my smile seeing him having to bend down so much to hug her, knowing Aunt Cookie is shorter than my sister and me by a little, and seeing Aunt Cookie hugging him I hear her say, "Baby I loved that painting but I love more that I just saw that smile and I'll thank my Cindy love for that later."

I look over at my sister, see her look away with that blush, feeling my smile, and hear Aunt Cookie say, "Baby you come down here too."

I look back at Aunt Cookie, see Huey step up to her, see him bend down to hug her, feeling my smile, happy we're going to spend more time with her this time, knowing he's happy he's here, I know he is even if he hasn't said it, I know he is, and seeing Aunt Cookie hugging him I hear her say, "I can tell you're happy baby and I'm gonna pray that the good lord keeps this angel next to you because I know that's the instrument he's using to make that happen."

And I feel my eyes open and my face get completely hot, knowing it's just really warm today here, in Chicago, and Aunt Cookie didn't just say that. Nope.

And I hear her say, "Well let's get going because I want to know what's been going on with my boys, these two angels, this daughter that my son Leo tells me about when he calls to check on me, and a Ms. Lola I keep hearing about. I want to know about all of it, not missing any, from beginning to end and we have breakfast waiting at the house."

I exhale, knowing I can't wait for all of it, because no matter what, it's only gotten better since the last time we were here, feeling that rough hand grabbing my hand, walking to the van Aunt Cookie must've rented again, knowing I can't wait for all of it.


Hi everyone,

Damn. Went through my entire story. I had to. But because I did that I have the next chapter set, chunks set, so I can start right away. I love this story.

Thank you everyone for continuing with this long, very long, and convoluted story. Please comment if there's something you'll think I missed (other than the very obvious people that we all know are on the outskirts of the story) or just to tell me if you're liking the story. I feel like that's the only way I can see if you'll like it or are just going through the motions with it. But thank you for all the comments everyone. Thank you for certain people that PM'd me to check on me and just ask how I was doing. Thank you. Reminded me that COVID and this last presidency isn't going to break us, it won't.

-Bulma's Ego.

(oh…first BLACK WOMAN / WOMAN EVER VICE PRESIDENT – I voted for that, I did).

P.S. I could not come up with a title for this chapter, I could not, so I decided something that relates to Aunt Cookie is always a good title.