Part III: Sixty-Three


Zuko rubbed at his bleary eyes, feeling heartsick and sore all over, and not just from the fight in the cellar of Lord Kun's mansion. All he wanted was to lie down somewhere dark and quiet and sleep for the next day or so.

Instead, he leaned over Iroh's inert hand, bowing his head and letting his eyes rest a moment, as he listened to his beloved uncle's steady breathing. He didn't like seeing the thick bandage on Iroh's head, or the gauze strips over the burns on Iroh's arms from the fire in the Jasmine Dragon. He knew only too well what burns felt like. It pained him, knowing that he had been trapped in that cell, useless... And his uncle had suffered trying to bring him home.

At least the Earth King's healers were confident he would recover. The blow to his head was healing, but it had been a nasty crack, and it would take time for Iroh to be his old self again, cheerful and warm.

"I really need you right now, old man," Zuko whispered, but Iroh kept sleeping. Zuko heard the door open behind him, and knew by the softness of the footfall that it was his sister. He didn't turn to look at her, but when her hand landed on his shoulder, he lifted his scraped hand and squeezed her fingers.

"He looks so small," Azula said after a moment, her voice as tired as his must have sounded.

"Yeah."

"Are you okay?"

"Yes. No," Zuko said, lifting his face and meeting Azula's eyes. His sister had a fey look about her, haunted, and pale. Her eyes seemed far away, as if she wasn't really there at the moment.

He knew it wasn't her mental illness, or what they had just gone through, that had put that look in her eyes. She had been very quiet since the cellar, disappearing off on her own the moment they got back to the palace, though she had been one step behind Sokka the entire journey through the burning city.

Watching him.

Watching him as he lifted Mai's unconscious body in his arms, and carried her out of the rubble. Watching him with her heart in her eyes.

They had all heard what Mai had said to Sokka moments before she'd passed out in his arms. Zuko was having a hard time believing it himself, but he knew what he'd heard.

Mai was in love with Sokka.

That was... Incongruous. Strange. Bizarre.

He didn't know how he felt about that. Mai was his ex...but their relationship had ended years ago. It seemed so distant to him now. He was over her, though he stilled cared about her. He knew it was the same for her. He wasn't surprised that she had moved on. But he hadn't reckoned on Mai falling in love with Sokka of all people.

He didn't know how Sokka felt about Mai, and that, he thought, was another reason for that haunted look in his sister's eyes. Sokka hadn't said it back, but he'd carried Mai to the Earth King's palace himself, and hovered over her while the doctors had done their work.

She had two fractured ribs, and she'd taken a blow to the back of the head when the ceiling had come down on her and Nobu. Only the table Nobu was strapped to had saved her. Nobu had been carried out of there alive as well, but his injuries had been much direr. The doctors were still working on him.

Zuko hoped he survived. The Smoke Demon had a lot to answer for.

But that could wait. For now, they had to regroup. Get their strength back. Make sense of everything that had happened.

He looked at Azula, studying the haunted expression on her face for a long moment. She dropped her hand from his shoulder and sank into a chair on Iroh's other side, sighing.

"Are you okay?"

"No," Azula said, taking Iroh's other hand in her own. "No, I'm not okay, Zuzu."

"He loves you."

"Don't," she said, bowing her head over their uncle's hand. "I can't do this right now. My head... I'm... I feel like... I don't want to think about it, okay? I can't. Not right now."

"You should talk to him."

"He doesn't want to talk to me. He's in there with her."

Zuko glanced at the doorway, but Mai's room was down the hall. Far away. He knew Sokka was with her.

"Maybe she was confused?"

"Stop trying to help, Zuko. I know her. And so do you. She wouldn't have said it if it wasn't true. She's not the type to gush. Not unless she really loved him."

"Look, I don't know what's going on between them, but I know one thing, okay? He loves you."

"Maybe he did. But a year is a long time. I was with Shirong. And he is obviously with her, so... I don't know what I expected from him. I guess... I guess I thought..." But her mouth closed and her head dropped, eyes squeezing shut. "I guess I lost him."

"You don't know that," Zuko started, as a soft knock sounded on the door. He turned toward, expecting one of Iroh's doctors, but when he called for them to enter, an older woman popped her head around the door before slowly coming into the room. Though he had never met her, Zuko knew who she was immediately.

"Dr. Song? What are you doing here?" Azula asked, looking surprised.

"I received a message from the Fire Lord. He thought you might want to talk. And... He mentioned the difficulties you were having."

Azula glanced at Zuko, looking stunned, but not offended. "You sent for her?"

"The minute we got back to the palace," he said, nodding. "You need to take your medication. The tea shop is gone and your meds were there, so I thought your doctor might bring you some. You've been off of it too long. And you need to talk to someone."

"Your brother is right, Azula. I brought something to help. Perhaps we can go somewhere to talk? Are you ready for that?" Dr. Song asked her gently. Zuko liked the woman instantly; she had a very grandmotherly air about her, something soft and gentle that you couldn't help but trust. No wonder she had been able to get Azula to open up the way she had. He doubted many people would resist the woman's kind and understanding nature.

Azula looked back at Zuko again, then down at Iroh.

"Go on. He's not going anywhere, and I know he'd want you to."

She nodded, and stood, starting toward Dr. Song, still standing in the doorway. She stopped, though, and came back to Zuko, throwing her arms around him while he was still sitting in the chair. She still smelled like smoke and the rank scent of the cell, but he hugged her all the same, patting her back.

"Thank you, Zuzu."

Then she let go, and followed Dr. Song out of the room, leaving Zuko to sigh, sinking down into the chair. His neck was stiff, and he massaged it with one weary hand. He hoped Azula was going to be okay. If nothing else, at least she'd be back on the medication that seemed to help her so much.

The meds couldn't fix everything though.

He tried not to think of Sokka and Mai, but he couldn't help it. He sat there for another hour, before the Earth King's people came in to bathe Iroh and change his sheets. They shooed him out of the room and he found himself walking down the corridor, each step like lead on the polished marble floors.

He'd already seen Kuei when they'd arrived, but he'd been a harried mess. The city was still burning beyond the palace walls, the result of Nobu's treachery. Kikki had filled him on a lot of what she knew. That Nobu had used some kind of potent blasting jelly, or a substance very like it, to hide the evidence of their kidnapping. Or perhaps to kill them when they came searching.

It had worked.

Xuiying was dead. Her body was lying in the Earth King's temple. He knew that he'd have to go see her soon, but the thought filled him with dread. He didn't want to see one of his friends in a box, pale and still when once she had been so full of life.

She had died because of him. Because she had tried to protect him.

It was the same thing that had happened to Aiko, and that wound was still just as fresh as it had been a year ago. His heart ached, and it ached even more as he thought of the pain Suki would feel when she found out.

He'd found out that Iroh and the Earth King had sent a letter to the Fire Nation telling them what had happened. Suki must have read it days ago. He was sure that she was on her way to Ba Sing Se now. He knew her too well. She'd have left the minute she heard he was in danger. Just in case, he had written a short letter telling her that he was okay, that he would return soon.

He wanted to see her so badly that he could almost taste the sweetness of her against his lips. Just the thought of having her in his arms again made his heart feel lighter, his exhaustion diminished by fractions. But it was enough. When he saw her again, he'd never let her go.

But there was still so much do here in the Earth Kingdom. He couldn't leave while the city was ablaze. That was his fault too. They had to sort out what had happened, and who Nobu was working for. It all made his head ache.

He walked down the corridor and stopped at an open door, finding himself staring in at three familiar figures. Seeing them was like a punch in the gut, and he found himself just watching them for a moment.

His Warriors. His friends. His bodyguards.

Qing was in bed, looking pale, but awake and alert, despite the large bandage on her bared stomach. Kikki had told him how she'd been impaled by a piece of metal when the brewery had exploded. She had survived, though. She was talking to Chao-Ahn, whose leg had been broken in the same blast. Chao-Ahn seemed subdued, but that wasn't unlike her; she was always quiet. Patient and solid. She was standing with her back to him, a crutch under her arm. Her leg was wrapped in plaster and wood.

Sitting on another bed was Mei Lin, her curly hair pulled back from her pretty face. Her hands had been burned in the fire at the tea shop, and he winced when he saw the bandages. She didn't act like her hands pained her, but Zuko knew all too well what the lines of strain around her eyes meant. He had endured burns before. Mei Lin was in for a hard road of healing.

Sorrow hit him as he stared at his Warriors. They had been hurt because of him.

And Xuiying was dead.

"I'm so sorry," Zuko said, making Qing and Mei Lin turn toward the doorway, surprise on their faces. Chao-Ahn lumbered in a circle, her crutch stumping on the floor with a hard bang.

"Zuko!"

Mei Lin was up off of the bed at a run, throwing her bandaged arms around him. He hugged her bacl, trying to be gentle, afraid to hurt her. Mei Lin didn't seem concerned with that, pulling back and smiling widely at him.

"Kikki said she found you!"

"She did," Zuko said, as Mei Lin wrapped her arm around his and pulled him into the room. "I'm sorry... I..."

"Sorry for what?" Qing asked from the bed, smiling that infectious smile of hers, showing the dimples in her cheeks. "Zuko, you're alive! We were so worried about you!"

"I'm sorry... I should have come right away. To see you," he said stupidly, feeling out of sorts. He couldn't stop staring at the bandages on Qing's stomach, thinking of Xuiying, and wondering why these women were so happy to see him. They had gotten hurt because of his enemies. And their sister had died defending him. It wasn't right. He felt... Low. Unworthy.

"Kikki said the Earth King grabbed you the minute you arrived. You have all that crappy ruler stuff to deal with. And your uncle. We totally understand," Qing said, her eyes filled with concern. For him. "Have you even rested, Zuko?"

"No. I can't," Zuko said stupidly. Then he met all of their eyes, one by one. "I'm sorry. About Xuiying. About... You're all hurt because of me. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I swore to protect the people of Kyoshi and... I failed you. I failed her."

He didn't know where this was coming from. Maybe the stress and exhaustion from everything that had happened the last week had broken him. Maybe it was just seeing their familiar faces, so dear to him. They reminded him of home, of Suki. The ache of homesickness caught him again, spinning him about.

It was Chao-Ahn who spoke, hobbling forward on her broken leg and touching his face. He looked at her and saw understanding in her dark green eyes.

"You didn't fail us. We failed you, Zuko. They took you and we couldn't do anything about it. We would have died in the tea shop if not for Rin."

The blood drained out of Zuko's face. "Rin. Where is she? Kikki said she was hurt."

"She's in the next room. Kikki's with her. She's... She's been in a state, Zuko. She kept getting out of bed and trying to come look for you. The idiot. She took a sword to the chest, and the shop exploded around her. She's lucky she lived. But she saved us. Saved all of us."

Kikki had told him that too, but he hadn't stopped to think about it. He remembered that night at the shop, how he had been avoiding Rin at all costs, too cowardly to talk to her after realizing she had tried to come onto him. She had fought off Nobu's men in the courtyard alone, and taken a sword for him.

And the only reason she had been out there had been because of him. She could have died.

Because of him.

Guilt ran through him again, and he lowered his head. "I can't thank you all enough."

It was Mei Lin who laughed. "Zuko, you never have to thank us."

"Yes, I do."

"No, you don't. We're Warriors. We protect the ones we love. Even if that means giving our lives. Each and every one of us is willing to die to protect what we believe in. And we believe in you, Fire Lord. So stop doing that thing Suki says you always do."

Zuko stopped, brows rising. "What does Suki say?"

Qing rolled her eyes, and said, "That you'd blame yourself for the universe exploding if you could. You blame yourself for everything. Even things that aren't your fault. You didn't poison us, Zuko. You didn't kidnap yourself. You didn't blow up that brewery. Stop blaming yourself."

"My enemies did. If not for me, you would have been safe. And Xuiying would be alive."

"Stop blaming yourself for your enemies, Zuko. Seems like that Smoke Demon had a lot of targets. Not just you. Kikki said he had a hit out on Azula too. And Sokka. Who knows who else? This is bigger than you."

"Narcissist," Mei Lin said mildly.

"Xuiying's dead, Zuko. Don't dishonor her sacrifice, please. She saved us. I'll miss her. She was my sister, but I know she felt the same way that I do about our duty. She died doing her duty as a Warrior, and for us, there can be no more nobler death than that," Chao-Ahn said.

"Stop blaming yourself," Qing repeated firmly. "And start thinking of a way we can get that Smoke Demon to sing. I owe the jerk for the nifty new scar on my stomach. You know how good I looked in a crop top! The fucker has to pay."

Zuko laughed, looking at the three Warriors in turn. "We'll make him pay. I promise."

And he pulled Mei Lin into another hug, then Chao-Ahn. Then he gently bent over Qing and kissed the top of her head. "Thank you."

"Just do me a favor?" Qing asked.

"What's that?"

"Brush your teeth. And get some rest. You look like the underside of a badgermole's ass."

Zuko's spirits lightened a little as he left the three women. He didn't feel much better, but at least they didn't hate him for what had happened, and he realized that he'd thought that they might. Suki was right. He did blame himself for everything. He couldn't help it. Taking responsibility was a part of his job as the Fire Lord. When things went wrong he was always in front, taking the blame, and trying to smooth things out. He thought that made him a better Fire Lord.

Even if, sometimes, he hurt himself in the process.

He stepped to the next door, his stomach a pile of nerves now. He wanted to walk away, but he couldn't. He owed Rin his thanks. And an apology that was long overdue. He knocked on the door, and he was surprised when Kikki opened it, looking up at him with tired green eyes. She had been awake for days and he knew it. And yet here she was, awake when she should have been resting.

"Why aren't you asleep?" he asked.

"Why aren't you?"

They stared at one another for a hard moment, eyes narrowing, before he sighed. "Fine. I won't mother you if you don't mother me."

"Alright then."

"Is Rin awake?"

"Yeah," Kikki said, opening the door for him. "Rin? Someone's here to see you."

Zuko stepped into the room, and his eyes met Rin's from across the room. Shock, followed by worry and misery spread over Rin's face, and she sank back on the pillows, her eyes leaving him. He could see patches of orange paste on her skin; a balm for the chemical burns Kikki had told him she'd gotten during the explosion at the tea shop.

"Hey," Zuko said, licking his lips. "Umm... Kikki, can we have a minute?"

"Sure," Kikki said, but she was looking between them with worry in her eyes as well. Zuko's stomach flip-flopped and he realized with a start that Kikki, at least, knew that Rin had feelings for him. He didn't know how he felt about that. He wondered if the others knew too.

Kikki left the room, and silence descended on them. He stared at her, sitting propped up against some pillows, her light brown hair thrown over one shoulder, and her blue eyes looking everywhere but at him. Her mouth was down turned, unhappiness etched over her features. He saw bandages on her shoulder, peaking out of her thin night gown.

Yet another person who had been hurt trying to help him.

"I'm not sure what to say here. Except I'm sorry," Zuko said heavily, grabbing a chair and pulling it over to her bedside.

"For what?" Rin asked, her head coming up. "You're not the one who tried to sleep with her friend's fiance."

At least that answered the lingering questions in his mind. He'd been sure he hadn't read the situation at the inn wrong—Chuanwei had certainly seemed to think Rin had been coming onto him—but he hadn't been totally sure. He had never been good at seeing things like that, after all.

Zuko sighed, "No, I guess I didn't. But I was avoiding you. And you didn't deserve that."

"Yes, I did," Rin said, her voice slightly husky. Her right hand was lying in her lap, fingers limp. He wanted to touch her, to reassure her, but he didn't. "I blindsided you. It was wrong, Zuko. I know you don't feel that way about me."

Zuko took a breath and looking down at his hands. "No. I don't. But you're still my friend, Rin. I should have talked to you. Instead I avoided you. I was being a coward. I just didn't know what to say to you. I... I didn't know you felt that way."

"I always have," Rin said softly. "I think I was in love with you long before you and Mai even broke up. I wanted to ask you out so many times, but I couldn't. You were the Fire Lord. And I was just... I was me. And I knew. I knew before you and Suki even got together, I knew how you felt about her. I thought... He'll never look at me the way he looks at her. And it just tore me up inside."

That took him off-guard. In love? He hadn't expected her to admit that. How had he never suspected it? Was he that clueless.

The answer was obviously yes.

"I never realized," he said slowly. "I'm sorry."

"You didn't do anything wrong, Zuko. I don't even know why I did that. I kept telling myself to stop, but... But it was my last chance and I... I just lost my head. I couldn't stop. And I put you in an awkward position. It's not your fault that you don't feel the way that I feel. I shouldn't have done that to you. To Suki. Can you ever forgive me?"

"Rin, nothing happened that night."

"Because of Chuanwei," she said, but he shook his head.

"Not because of her. Nothing would have happened. As far as I'm concerned, that night was a friendly chat between friends. You have nothing to apologize for. Nothing happened."

He didn't know if that made it worse for her, or better, but it was how he felt. He didn't want her to feel bad, but he didn't want to give her hope that something could happen between them either. He knew that she knew it, though. She had known it that night. She knew it now.

"Still..."

"Look," he started, rubbing at his stiff neck again. "I actually understand why you took a shot. I really do."

"You do?"

He smiled softly. "Yeah. I know what it's like to be in love with someone who is with someone else. So in love with them that you feel like you're going to come out of your skin, dying of want for them. And sometimes... Sometimes you can't keep it in any longer. It's too big. It hurts too much."

"That's what happened with you and Suki. On the balcony that night that assassin attacked you. You kissed her. I saw it."

"Yeah. She was still with Sokka. I shouldn't have, but I couldn't stop myself. I told her how I felt. It just... Came out of me. So I get it. I get it, Rin."

"But she loved you back, Zuko. She loved you back."

"That doesn't make it right, no matter how it shook out in the end. So I understand. I do. I'm not angry. I'm... I don't know what to say."

Rin nodded and looked up at the ceiling. She wasn't crying. She just looked resigned. "Are you going to tell her?"

"No. Nothing happened. We can keep it between us. Between friends."

Rin laughed, her eyes closing. "The messed up thing is I think she's perfect for you. I'm not even angry. It hurts, but... She makes you happy, Zuko. I just want you to be happy."

"I want you to be happy too, Rin. You're a dear friend. I know it doesn't help, but I'm flattered. I am. You're an amazing woman. I just... I don't feel the same way."

"I know." Rin looked at him and then away again. She took a breath and then said, "I'm leaving the Kyoshi Warriors."

He stared at her, stunned. "What? You don't have to leave. Not over this!"

"It's not over this. Well, maybe it is. I think I need some space to... To sort things out. But it's not just that, Zuko. Look."

Rin lifted her right hand a few inches off of her lap. He immediately saw the shake in her limp fingers, and the way her entire arm seemed to be almost dead weight. She made a face, full of pain and frustration, and her arm dropped back into her lap.

"Rin..."

"I took a sword to the shoulder during the fight. It severed the nerves in my arm. I can barely feel my fingers. And my arm... The doctors said after some therapy I may get some of the mobility back, but not all of it. I can barely move my fingers, let alone grasp a sword or a fan, at least not with that arm. I can fight with my left, but... But this is a liability. I can't compromise your security like that. Not out of pride."

It was like someone had stabbed a sword through Zuko's chest too. He stared at her, in shock, and horror, feeling that guilt rising in him again.

"Rin, I'm so sorry..."

But Rin smiled a little, surprising him. "I'm alive, Zuko. And you're here. You're alive too. And that's... That's all I wanted. I just want you to be safe."

"But your arm..."

"Truth be told, I was going to leave after the wedding anyway. I thought it might be too hard. I'm... I'm okay, Zuko. Really. I didn't lose the arm. That's not nothing. And I'm alive. I'm alive! Xuiying didn't get that lucky."

Zuko reached out and touched her limp hand, bending over it and kissing her fingertips. "You still deserve better than this, Rin. You saved my uncle's life. I owe you so much."

Rin touched his face with her other hand, and he found himself staring into her sad eyes again.

"Just make that Smoke Demon pay for what he did and we'll call it even, okay?"

Zuko nodded, and Rin sank back onto her pillows. She seemed exhausted again, at the end of whatever strength she'd had. He knew how she felt. He felt emotionally wrung out.

He squeezed her fingers, and stood.

"I'll make them pay for what they did. I promise."

Rin closed her eyes, but she nodded. He walked quietly to the door, and just as he opened it, she called out, "Thank you, Zuko."

"For what?"

"For understanding."

He nodded, and left the room. Kikki was nowhere to be found, and he found himself alone in the corridor. He wanted to go down to Mai's room and check on her, but he didn't want to intrude on whatever was going on with Sokka. He didn't have the energy for that fight just yet.

He needed sleep and a warm bath, and maybe some food.

What he found was Chuanwei, who came out of the door across the hall, looking worn and thin, but just as stern as ever. She glanced past him at the door to Rin's room. Her lips thinned out, brow lifting.

"Governor. You look well."

"Glad to see you survived, Fire Lord. I was worried," she said, and nodded curtly at him. She walked away, and he found himself smiling a little. His brows lifted when he saw Chuanwei duck into his uncle's room.

Well, well, well...

Zuko didn't follow her, wandering back toward the room they had prepared for him. He crashed onto the bed face first with his dirty boots on. He was asleep within seconds.

He dreamed of Suki.