Chapter Forty-Two

Beneath a spray of hot water, Zoe rested her forearms against the tiled wall in front of her and let the water pressure – surprisingly good considering the last-minute acquisition of the hotel room – beat against the back of her neck and sluice between her shoulder blades. It was something of a miracle they had even managed to get a single hotel room let alone three considering they had walked into the lobby looking exactly like the sort of people hotels didn't want patronising them. Not that Zoe blamed the receptionist as it had been after midnight when they staggered into the hotel carrying with them the sand from the beach and dripping seawater across the floor, desperate for a place to get rid of the aftereffects of intra-universal travel.

Whatever the Doctor had said to the man worked and they were soon in possession of three separate plastic key cards that they took with them as they parted ways on various floors: Jack and Mickey took the first room on the second floor, Rose slipped away on the fourth, and the Doctor and Zoe entered a room on the fifth and final floor.

Teeth still vibrating from crossing universes, Zoe had managed to get out of her filthy clothes with his help before staggering into the shower where she had been for the last thirty minutes. She knew that she needed to get out as the Doctor also needed to shower but it was difficult to tear herself away from the comfort of the hot water, trembling finely from the journey.

As the Doctor predicted, the trip had been as violent and uncertain. Pieces of the TARDIS had gone up in flames: They lost an entire corridor of rooms that devoured Zoe's old bedroom and started to burn away at the library before the Doctor was able to shunt the fire into unused rooms. Jack briefly lost consciousness and Zoe lost the contents of her stomach before they passed through the thin crack in the wall between the universes and hurled themselves across the void as the power drained rapidly. There had been a moment when Zoe thought they weren't going to make it, fear climbing through her veins as she held tightly onto Rose's hands; the Doctor was at the controls, his attention focused entirely on the task at hand, when they burst into their universe and power began to seep back into the TARDIS.

The brief surge of triumph the Doctor felt at getting them back caused his attention to slip for a half a second and, in that time, he lost control. The TARDIS plummeted through time and space, locked onto the rift in Cardiff only to slam them into the shore of a beach in Norway in the middle of the night.

The TARDIS was half buried in wet sand and seawater streamed inside when Zoe and Rose – both desperate for fresh air – pried the door open. Between the gush of water and a sudden stream of poisonous gas making its way into the console room as one of the fuel chambers cracked, they were forced to evacuate. The Doctor grabbed Jack, Mickey grabbed the wheelchair, and Rose had the presence of mind to grab their emergency kit that contained first aid, food rations, and thermal blankets before the TARDIS kicked them out for their own safety.

Also, the Doctor told them later, because she was more than a little annoyed about recent events.

The worry they felt about the state of the TARDIS was assured by the Doctor. He was confident that being back in their universe was enough for the TARDIS to more or less heal herself; although, he did rest his forehead against his ship and exhale in relief and with joy at having her presence back in his mind.

Unable to stay in the TARDIS and unwilling to spend the night in the bitter cold of Norway, they dragged themselves across the beach and went in search of a hotel.

Zoe didn't care they hadn't made it to Cardiff. The fact that they were on Earth was a victory in and of itself, and since they needed a couple of days to get their feet back under them again, Norway was a good enough place as any to do that.

The Doctor's knuckles rapping against the bathroom door made her jump. She slid her eyes towards it, making out the blurred shape of it through the shower curtain, and wondered if he was going to walk in as they both did on the TARDIS.

"Zo." His voice sounded through the door, no move made to enter. "There's pizza out here if you're hungry."

She was hungry.

Not that that was a surprise.

The Doctor was right when he said that she needed food on a semi-regular basis throughout the day or got grumpy and since her coronation chicken sandwich now decorated the floor of the TARDIS, she needed something else to eat.

Pushing herself away from the wall, she turned the spray down so she wasn't shouting to him. "How did you get pizza at this time of night?"

"I asked Eivind very nicely and he had room service cook some frozen ones for us," he said, referring to the night receptionist. "I can't speak to their quality but it's better than nothing."

"Thank you." Her stomach gave a low rumble. "Have the others –?"

"Jack's fast asleep but Mickey's got his and Rose practically inhaled hers," he replied, voice lilting with amusement. "I think she dislocated her jaw to get it all in. I'm a bit traumatised by the sight, to be honest."

"You'll be fine," Zoe said with a smile he couldn't see. "I'll be out in a minute then you can jump in."

He knocked his knuckles against the door once more before leaving her to her shower. The water was running clean now, the blood and filth on her having swirled down the drain in thick black and then red rivulets. Still, she lathered up the white shower puff and scrubbed her body over for the last time, hoping she would finally feel clean. Her hair hung wet and slick against her back, empty bottles of hotel shampoo littering the bottom of the tub after having washed, washed, and then washed again to get the smoke, blood, and sweat out. She felt better having it off her and being back home but there was a heavy weight sitting on her chest that she wasn't going to be able to ignore for much longer.

Rinsing the suds off, she turned the shower off and stepped out, gathering the plastic bottles and throwing them into the bin, certain someone would recycle them for her.

Since everything she owned was on the TARDIS, she ripped open a complimentary toothbrush and squeezed the hotel's toothpaste onto the bristles, avoiding looking at herself in the mirror. Spitting into the sink, she quickly cleaned up before wrapping a towel around her and leaving the bathroom to find the Doctor sitting in a chair naked, mouth full of pizza. The sight made her pause, having not expected his nudity though it was hardly the worse sight in the world.

His eyes swept over her, lingering on the bruises that littered her skin, before meeting her eyes and smiling. She tapped her finger to the corner of her lips with a small smile, and his hand came up and wiped the tomato sauce staining him away.

"You look cleaner," the Doctor told her.

"Feel it too," Zoe said. "Shower's all yours. The water pressure's great."

"Thanks." He finished his slice of pizza and wiped his hands on his thighs. "I've sent our clothes to be dry cleaned, the others too. Eivind said we should get them back in the morning with our paper."

"Ah," she said. "I did wonder why you're naked."

"Thought I'd surprise you," the Doctor said, spreading his arms wide and making her laugh. "Surprise!"

"You're ridiculous."

"I am," he agreed.

"But it sounds like you've been busy," Zoe said. "Getting us food, gathering up all our clothes...you can take it easy now that we're back, you know?"

"It was nothing. Besides, Rose helped," he replied, bumping his hip against hers as he walked passed her. "Now, eat your pizza. There's a drink on the bedside table and a dressing gown in the wardrobe if you don't fancy being naked. Although, if I have a vote, I vote for –"

"I know," she interrupted, ignoring his grin. "Get gone. You stink."

He turned his head and sniffed his shoulder before disappearing into the bathroom, the door clicking shut behind him. Zoe picked up a slice of pizza and pulled a face. She liked pizza, though normally when it was heavy with cheese, mushrooms, and barbecue chicken, and the hotel's pizza looked dry and tough but she was hungry and it was better than nothing. She ate two slices in quick succession, her stomach growling with hunger, and, having learnt her lesson from previous bouts of hunger, waited to finish the rest of the pizza. Instead, she dried her body off and wrapped the towel around her wet hair, twisting it onto the top of her head, a chill from the air conditioning making her shiver.

The dressing gown was where the Doctor said it was, and she took one for him and left it on the bed, her skin tight and dry and she wanted to moisturise but her moisturiser was back on the TARDIS. Ignoring her discomfort, she cracked open a can of something called Solo and was hit by the overpowering taste of carbonated orange that made her cough, the sugar hitting her system and helping to restore a balance. She drank it all down and crushed the can in her fist, tossing it into the bin as she took in the room for the first time.

Given the paucity of their hotel choices – it was between this and a hotel that made it clear gay men were not allowed, which infuriated everyone in equal measure – it was a surprisingly nice hotel room. The ceiling slanted in the corner above a comfortable looking double-sized bed with dark blue covers and a grey comforter folded over the bottom. There was a leather chair, a small table, and a TV set up on the wall opposite the bed, a room that clearly was intended only for sleeping rather than spending a considerable amount of time there. She eyed it, wondering how the Doctor was going to fold his long body into it, deciding that if he ended up curled around her, she would be content.

Pushing the chair to one side, she looked out of the window onto the lake below. As she was peering out into the darkness, the Doctor reappeared with a towel wrapped around his waist, his reflection catching her eye in the window. His hair was wet and slicked back, hand rubbing at his jaw as he contemplated whether or not he needed to shave soon.

He caught sight of her watching him and his hand fell from his jaw. "Nice view?"

"It's not bad," Zoe said, eyes fixed on his reflection rather than the water. "There's a lake outside. At least I think it's a lake. Could be the ocean. Hard to tell.. Where exactly in Norway are we anyway?"

"Bergen," the Doctor said. "Outskirts of. We're lucky its the middle of winter otherwise we might not have been able to get rooms."

"Not unless we pretend Jack and Mickey are just good friends," she said, sarcastically.

"Those two couldn't pass for good friends if their lives depended on it," he said, dropping the towel to the floor and slipping into the dressing gown that left his ankles on display. "And don't think I don't know you wouldn't have found the first willing women to snog to make a point."

"If you're homophobic, I'm going to kiss in front you," she shrugged, drawing the curtain across the window and facing him. "Those are the rules."

"Quite right too." He sat on the end of the bed and let his eyes rest on her, shoulders dipping as the long day slowly caught up with him. "How are you?"

"Happy to be back."

"Me too," the Doctor admitted, rubbing his eyes. They had been in the parallel world for less than a day though it certainly didn't feel like it. "It's been a weird day even by our standards."

"We do have high standards for weirdness," Zoe agreed, unwinding the towel from her hair and squeezing the excess water out before sitting next to him and resting her head against his arm, hand finding his. "I'm glad you're okay."

He hummed. "I should be the one saying that. You were in more danger than I was what with mouthing off to Cybermen and all."

"It was all I could think of," she said, blinking slowly. "Besides, it kept me alive for a little longer."

"And that's all that matters," the Doctor said, honestly. "Have you eaten?" She nodded, cheek rubbing against his arm. "You should eat more, it'll help." He pushed the sleeve of her dressing gown up her arm. "How's this, is it still hurting?"

"Huh?" Zoe looked down and remembered that she had broken her arm only the day before when the TARDIS slammed into the parallel universe. The splint was in the bathroom on the edge of the sink, filthy and in need of a good wash, but she hadn't noticed it as it was just another item to remove before she was able to get clean. "Oh. No. I'm fine. It doesn't hurt."

His fingers brushed lightly over her skin. "Let me?"

Nodding her permission, the Doctor slipped from the bed to the floor where he knelt at her feet. She watched him as he ran his long fingers over her skin, occasionally pressing lightly to check the damage. There was less bruising than expected – faint patches of green and yellow that would be gone when she woke up – and it looked significantly better than the rest of her body. He left her briefly to fetch his sonic screwdriver that he passed over her limb, running the best scan he was able to without the TARDIS, before leaning down and pressing his lips to the faint bruises. She touched his damp hair, curling her fingers behind his ear and wanting to stay with him in the quiet, gentle moment forever.

"How do you feel?" The Doctor asked, lifting his eyes to hers, hand resting on the outside of her covered thigh.

"Exhausted," Zoe said, truthfully. "You?"

"I could sleep for a bit," he admitted. "How are things with Rose? It looks like you're both being friendlier to each other."

"We still need to talk." She smoothed her fingers through his hair, his eyes fluttering, and she realised he needed a haircut as it was getting a little long. "But it looks like we'll be okay. I'm not walking on eggshells any more and she's actually looking me in the eye again. I didn't realise I'd been missing that." He hummed his approval, content to be petted. "What about you two? It looks like you're friends again."

"We had the chance to talk earlier," the Doctor said, her legs parting so that he was able to kneel between them, leaning deeper into his touch. "We were waiting for Ricky and Mickey to meet up with us after we'd split up and Jack was worried. I never would've pegged him as someone prone to worrying as much as he is about Mickey."

"Says you," Zoe said, amusement curling through her voice, stroking through his hair again. "You live in a constant state of worry about me."

"That's because I love you," he said, eyes popping open. "Oh."

A soft laugh brushed across his forehead. "You're so slow sometimes."

"Jack's in love." Something warm and soft melted in the Doctor's voice. "Does Mickey –?"

"Yes," she said. "But he's not ready to admit it yet. He didn't even realised he liked men until Jack popped into his life, and I'm still not entirely sure that it's men he likes or just Jack, but it takes a while to wrap your head around."

His hands rested on the mattress behind her. "Speaking from experience?"

"It took me a good six months to realise I fancied Reinette," Zoe told him. "Another six months and a bout of cholera to realise I loved her."

"And you call me slow." His nose brushed open her dressing gown to press a kiss to her chest, arms looping around her waist and he rose onto his feet, her legs wrapping around him, until he was sat with her in his lap looking down at him. "Although, I do recall you shagging her within about – ooo, what was it? – half an hour of meeting her."

Her mouth pressed together to try and fight the smile that threatened to encourage him, his eyes sparkling.

"I was in France," she said, primly. "It's what one does there." He snorted, and she smacked his shoulder lightly, releasing her grip on his hair. "What did you speak about with Rose? Is it a secret?"

"No," the Doctor replied, resting the curve of his nose against the side of her cheek, eager to be as physically close to her as possible. "She just wanted to know more about everything and seemed to accept it. She's got a good heart does Rose. Once the shock wore off, I knew she'd be all right. And her first instinct was to look out for you."

She ran her nails over the nape of his neck. "Oh?"

"She told me not to break your heart." A shiver rolled through him at her touch, and he caught sight of Zoe's surprised expression. "She said that Reinette had broken it by dying and told me not to do the same. It was actually rather lovely. Reminded me of when you were both new to the TARDIS and how you used to stick together." He almost missed those days, although he wouldn't change anything about his life now. "And she didn't hit me, much unlike your mother. My nose stayed unbloodied and unbroken. I'm pretty sure there's a poem about that."

"If you're talking about Invictus, broken noses is absolutely not what it's about," she told him. "She really accepted everything?"

"Seems to have," the Doctor said. "I mean, it's probably still really weird for her to think about but no weirder than you marrying an 18th century aristocrat or her ex-boyfriend taking up with a former Time Agent and conman from the 51st century. Rose is excellent at handling the weird and disorienting. Give her a few more days, maybe a week, and everything will be right back to normal."

Zoe hoped that was true. She knew that Rose regretted what she had said about Reinette, but it was one thing to feel remorse for harsh words spoken in the heat of anger and another to accept her sister's relationship with the man she fancied. She turned her head towards the Doctor, forcing him to look up, and she kissed him, his hands tugging her even closer to his body as she kissed him long and slow. The fear of the parallel universe clung to her despite being home and safe in his arms; she wanted to reassure herself that he was truly with her and not some dream that softened the blow before death.

"I love you," the Doctor murmured against her lips, pupils bleeding into his irises and making her breath catch in her chest. "But I'm not touching you until you've slept at least eight solid hours. I'm going to build a pillow wall down the middle of us so you don't tempt me in my sleep."

Her eyes crinkled with laughter and she kissed his nose. "Silly man."

"That's me, silly Doctor," he agreed. "Now, come on, to bed with you."

Reluctance gripped her and she made no attempt to move off him.

"I don't think I'll be able to sleep," Zoe confessed, fingers playing with the collar of his dressing gown, frowning at it. "I'm tired – really tired – but I can't stop going over everything that happened. It's like it's playing on repeat in my mind."

"I have that problem sometimes," the Doctor said, smoothing his hands over her hips, fingers splayed across her. "Talking about it with you helps. And you always make me hot chocolate when I'm feeling sad. I don't know why you do that but I like it."

"Mum used to make it for me and Rose when we were upset about something," she explained. "She always keeps a tub in the cupboard above the fridge."

"That's really sweet," he said. "Do you want a hot chocolate? I'm sure the kitchen has some."

"No, I want to sleep and chocolate always wakes me up."

"Have you tried reading Moby Dick? That never fails to send me right off." The Doctor tipped his head back to look up at her, hands sliding to her waist. "I've been trying to read that book for centuries but I get a hundred pages in and can never finish it."

"Just watch Wrath of Khan, that's pretty much all you need to know about the book," she suggested, trailing one finger down the bridge of his nose. "It's all about an obsessed man hunting the thing that'll kill him. And, as a bonus, you don't need to read through a chapter on whaling that way."

"Melville was in need of a good editor." He caught her finger between his teeth, tugging lightly before releasing it. "Mickey said he and Jack want to spend some time at a resort after Jack's surgery, just the two of them. Maybe you should think about taking a holiday?"

"I don't have a job, my entire life's a holiday."

"Yeah, that's true, most people spend their lives falling into parallel universes and saving multiple worlds," he said. "Can't see why you'd want a holiday from that. We could go somewhere warm –"

Zoe wrapped her arms loosely around his neck. "Oh, you're coming with me, are you?"

"You wouldn't leave me behind, would you?"

Her mouth twitched. "This feels like a trick question."

"I know just the place to take you," he told her. "There's an ocean planet in the Comet Galaxy with a sky that has the best view of the stars you'll ever see. We can go to one of the floating resorts, and you can wear that bikini I know you've got in the TARDIS. The red one Jack bought you for a laugh." Colour climbed into her skin. "And we'll drink cocktails and have so much sex you'll forget your name at some point, then we'll watch the stars at night."

"Sounds like you had this one up your sleeve for a while," Zoe noted, lightly.

"I've wanted to take you there for a couple of years," the Doctor admitted. "It's where I planned on taking you after I got you back from France. I thought you might want somewhere to relax and think. I just didn't realise –" his chest expanded, the failure he felt for not being able to reach her in time clung to him even though he knew she wouldn't change those years. "Well, point is, I want to take you there. Just the two of us. We can make it our place where we don't take anyone else. Somewhere that's just for us."

Want pulsed through her.

"That sounds perfect," she whispered, caught by an unexpected surge of emotion that lodged itself in her throat. "But we can't go while Jack and Mickey are away otherwise Rose'll be left by herself. I don't want her feeling left out."

"Okay," he agreed, easily. "But you need something to help you relax, and I'm still not having sex with you until we wake up tomorrow."

"I'm fine," Zoe told him. "Just wired up."

"You say you're fine so often that it doesn't mean anything when I hear it now," the Doctor said. "Come on, tell me what's bothering you."

Anxiety tightened itself into a ball, settling like lead in the pit of her stomach. It was impossible to deny that she was worried about his reaction, his good opinion of her meant more than she would ever say, and even as he looked at her with soft, caring eyes, his hands a supportive weight on her waist, the worry built. Part of her wondered how much of her concern was based in how exhausted she was – it wasn't as though she had had a full night of sleep before arriving in the parallel universe, her mouth moving over the Doctor's body – and how much of it was rooted in reality.

It was difficult for her to tell when it felt as though she had sand in her eyes and blood on her hands.

"I killed Lumic," Zoe said. "I'm responsible for his death."

His head tilted minutely to one side, fingers flexing on her waist. "You didn't –"

"I did," she interrupted. "I need you to understand that I did."

"Zo." His mouth pressed together as he thought how to address what he believed was unfounded guilt. "I've met murderers. You're not one."

"No, you're right," she whispered. "I'm worse. I didn't do it myself. I got the Cybermen to do it for me. At least if I had shot him in the head, it would've been honest. Instead, I was cruel."

A small crease appeared in his forehead.

"What are you talking about?"

"After – after he had Thomas killed, he ordered his man to kill me too." Her mouth was dry and the sugar of her Solo turned her mouth tacky, a slick feeling of nausea in her stomach as her eyes focused on a point over the Doctor's shoulder, unable to look at him despite being pressed against him. "I was able to get behind the computers but only just. The bullet missed me by an inch, I reckon. I was alive but trapped because the only way out was past the Cyberman guarding the door and that wasn't happening."

The Doctor listened to her speak, his hands steady on her waist, and he was sharply reminded of the night she told him about her trip to Skaro.

"Crane dragged me out from behind them and we were fighting," she said, explaining the litany of bruises across her body. "I was able to get the upper hand and I knocked him unconscious but the Cybermen were coming for me so., as like a Hail Mary, I told them where I was from and about my phone being future tech. That was all I needed to get them to stop trying to bloody kill me, and I was able to ask them why Lumic hadn't been converted yet." Her hand tightened on his shoulder, gripping the material in between her fingers. "It told me that it was because he wasn't scheduled for an upgrade until he was injured."

The Doctor slipped one hand from her rest to rub soothingly over her back, long, slow, circular rubs that he hoped were helpful as her voice shook and the colour slipped from her cheeks, her throat moving as she swallowed.

"So I took Crane's gun and I –" the truth jammed in her throat, muscles twitching around her mouth. "I shot the oxygen tank on the back of his wheelchair. I damaged him enough that the Cybermen converted him. To save myself, I forced an early conversion on him and then, later, I killed him."

Gently, for fear of startling her as tension ran through her body and he knew what she was like when she was riddled with guilt, he cupped the back of her neck and smoothed his thumb over her skin. Her revelation was less of a surprise than it might have been had she been anyone else. The Doctor knew what she was capable of when the people she loved were in danger – Skaro was only one example; she had, after all, been willing to risk temporal stranding for Reinette after only a few hours of acquaintance – and if she thought to shock him with her admission, she didn't.

"You didn't do anything that wasn't going to happen anyway," the Doctor said, her eyes snapping to his. "You said he was days away from dying as it was."

Her hands planted against his chest and pushed him back. The ceiling appeared above him as his shoulders bounced and the weight of her removed itself from him. He quickly sat back up and watched her stride as far away as their small room allowed, her dressing gown swamping her and trailing along the floor.

"That's not the point and you know it," Zoe snapped, turning back to him with anger and guilt written across her face. "I killed him. I killed a man. It doesn't matter that he was a bastard of a man, what matters is that I killed him."

"I don't think it's as simple as that," the Doctor said, watching her. "He tried to kill you first with that rabid dog of his. It was clearly self defence."

Her whole body flinched. "Stop it."

"Stop what?"

"Making excuses for me."

The Doctor exhaled and spread his hands out before him. "I mean, what do you want me to do? What do you want me to say here, love?"

"I don't want you to make excuses for me," Zoe snapped. "I don't want you to find some way to make me accept that what I did was fine when we both know it wasn't."

"You did what you had to do in order to survive," he told her, wanting to rise and take her in his arms though given the way that her limbs twitched and her feet moved over the floor restlessly, she wouldn't welcome being touched then. "And if you think that I'm going to be upset about you walking away from something alive even if other people don't, then you haven't been paying attention."

"Don't say that," she said, turning from him so he couldn't see her face. "Don't treat me differently."

He frowned. "Differently to whom?"

"To everyone else you travel with!" Her voice bounced off the walls, startling them both. He met her eyes from across the room, and he pulled a thread loose from his dressing gown, playing with it as she breathed in deeply and unclenched her fists. "You kicked Brain Door out of the TARDIS because he tried to steal information – or technology, or whatever it was he was doing – from the future. You're always going on about the peaceful solution and how we can talk our way out of anything. And you go on and on at Jack for wanting to carry a weapon because it goes against your beliefs."

"If Jack really wanted to carry a weapon, then he'd carry one," the Doctor pointed out. "He's able to conceal Rassilon knows what on his person in places I personally don't want to check every time we leave the TARDIS. The fact he doesn't is more to do with him than my aversion to guns." She opened her mouth but he kept talking. "And Brain Door was a complete idiot. I would never have taken him onto the TARDIS if Rose hadn't asked. The way she utilises that face of hers sometimes is downright criminal. No one should be able to inspire that much guilt and cooperation with a human face."

"You still –"

"You asked me once why I know what people are suitable to travel with," he continued. "And I said I never know why, I just know who. Brain Door wasn't a who. He was someone next to bloody useless and very nearly got you and Rose killed through his cowardice. So don't compare yourself to him. He doesn't even come close. And, furthermore, you are different from everyone else I've ever travelled with. Of course you are. How can you not be?"

"So you don't hold me to the same standards as everyone else?" The exhaustion was written across her face, ageing her before his eyes. "You let me get away with murder?"

"To be honest..." he thought about it and found it impossible to find a situation where that might happen. "I can't see it. I can't see you killing people, certainly not in cold blood. And this hypothetical doesn't work because you know better than anyone that these decisions depend on a case by case basis. But I don't like talking like this. You're not some criminal that I need to pass judgement on. You're you. I can't condemn you for this."

Frustration spilled over onto her features. "Why not?"

"Because I love you, you idiot, that's why," the Doctor said, standing. "I know who you are as a person. I know you better than I've known any other human, any other person away from Gallifrey. What we have is what I used to have back home with my people. It's a connection, an understanding that I haven't had with a non-Gallifreyan ever. I've told you things about my life that I've never told anyone else. And I love you. Dammit, Zoe, I love you, and I think that love is deserving of a little grace here and there."

Her eyes were wet and glasses, her chin trembled in a wobble before she firmed it up. "Even with murder?"

"Zo..." he breathed out and, unable to stay distant from her any longer, he crossed the room and took her in his arms, holding her so he could see her face. Sometimes it struck him how terribly young she still was. "What happened with Lumic was awful. And I'm so sorry that you had to deal with it alone. I should've been there with you. You shouldn't have been in that situation without anyone else. But you did what you had to do, and I believe that you did the best you could given the circumstances. Forcing an early conversion isn't something I'm going to judge you for, nor is overloading his mechanics at the end."

"You should," she whispered, agonised.

A single tear slipped down her cheek and he caught it with the pad of his thumb, wiping it gently away. "Why?"

"Because what if this is the start of something?" Zoe asked, and he read the fear in her eyes that went deeper than he expected, Lumic's death chipping away at a fear that she hadn't even known about. "What if I'm becoming someone I don't recognise?"

"That's normal," the Doctor told her. "People change throughout their lives all the time, unless you're the very dull and uninspired, which you most certainly are not. Look at Jack, for example. Look at the person he was when we met him and the person he is now. He's a completely different man. The core of him may be the same but everything else is different. And Reinette as well. Did she stay the same during the time you knew her?"

"No, but –"

"Life is about change," he said, tone soft and kind, hoping that she would take the benefit of his wisdom acquired through centuries of pain and grief so that she might avoid those feelings and be happier earlier. "Every day we make decisions big and small that gently nudge us in a different direction to what we envisioned for ourselves. Thirteen years ago, you made a decision to travel with me in the TARDIS. Can you say that you're the same person you were then?"

A flash of her seventeen-year-old self filled her mind: determined, scared, and her only goal was to get her A-Levels. Nothing else mattered to her then, and there was a sense of smallness when she thought of what she was like before she met the Doctor, how limited her imagination and dreams had been. In some ways, she felt as though she was looking back on someone she had once known rather than been.

"No," Zoe admitted, quietly. "I'm not."

"This life..." the Doctor began only to pause, uncertain how to phrase what he wanted to say. "I know how it changes people. I pretend not to see it but I know what it does. I put you – all of you – in situations that I shouldn't and it forces you to make choices that are sometimes difficult to live with. I made Rose miss a year of her life on Earth. I caused Zoe Heriot to end up in a care home on New Luna because of a choice I made. Adric..." remembered grief for his young friend slammed into him, and the emotion made his fingers tightened on Zoe's arms. "Adric died because of me. Because I put him on that ship. Because I brought him into my life and made him stupid and brave when he could've been safe back home. So I know how this life affects people. "

She touched her hand to his cheek, fingertips light against his skin. "Adric made his own decision. And he was brave long before he met you. You just bring out the best in us, my love, that's all. You don't give us anything that's not already there."

"Sometimes I wonder..." he said, breathing through the pain of Adric's death centuries earlier though as fresh as the day it happened. Somewhere, distantly, he heard Nyssa and Tegan weeping. "But, my point is, we all change. Every single one of us. You don't need to fear that change."

Zoe shook her head and pressed her hand to her chest, knuckles digging into her skin. "The way I feel right now...I don't know who I am. If I'm capable of forcing a conversion on Lumic just to save my own life, what else might I be capable of doing? Who else might I kill to stay alive, or to get what I want? What's stopping me from becoming my own sort of Valeyard?"

"This." His hand covered hers over her heart. "This is what stops you. You've a good heart. It's big and warm and so full of love. You're not capable of the sort of evil you're talking about. It's not in your bones."

"You don't know that," she whispered. "I've done things that are insane to save the people I love. I snuck onto Skaro for you and Jack. I mean, who does that? Who thinks going to the Dalek home world is a good idea under any circumstance? Even the Corsair thought I was crazy and she was the Corsair." She swiped at her eyes. "And I jumped through a Time Window for a woman I'd known for like an hour or something. It's ridiculous. I – I don't have a base of acceptable behaviour because I've always done the stupidest and most dangerous thing possible."

"Because you care," the Doctor argued. "You didn't do those things for personal gain. You did them to save people."

"When you were gone," she began as though she hadn't heard him. "There were things I did...things that I don't talk about because – because they make ashamed." Her mouth twisted in an effort to stop the shame and guilt from overwhelming her. "The levels to which I sank to save you and Jack...sometimes I can't look at myself in the mirror because of it."

He frowned, his concern spiking, and he moved his hands to her face, using his thumbs to brush away the tears.

"If you want to tell me," he murmured. "Then I want to hear it."

"I –"

"Keeping it to yourself is only going to make that shame grow in you," he told her when she hesitated, his hands falling to hold hers, linking their fingers together between them. "Share it with me. You'll find no judgement here."

Her throat moved in a swallow, tongue touching her dry lips.

"When I needed to find the Corsair, I went to Roxx," Zoe started, the words falling out of her like heavy stones that dropped to her feet. "She doesn't trade information freely and I needed something worth enough for what I needed her to do: Tracking down a Time Lord's expensive work. But Roxx likes antiques because they make a lot on the black market and so I went to Sharaz Jek in order to get one of his data processors. I was planning on buying one but apparently he doesn't deal in money, rich bastard, and he suggested a game of logic instead. If I won, I'd get the data processor; if he won, he'd get a night with me."

The Doctor breathed in sharply, taken aback.

Her eyes skittered away from his face once more.

"I lost the game," she said with a small shrug. "Of course I did. Before meeting him, I'd never heard of logic games before. And I thought, not a problem. Whatever. I'll hold up my end of the bargain. He was moderately handsome after all, and I figured a quick shag for a data processor wasn't a bad deal but then we got to his room and I felt his mouth on my neck and I couldn't do it."

Her body rippled in a shudder and he squeezed her hands, letting her know he was there and not letting her go. The next breath she took shook her from head to toe but she carried on with her story.

"He didn't like the fact I was backing out of the deal," Zoe said. "I was just going to walk away. That's all I was going to do. Figured I'd find something else worth Roxx's while. It wouldn't have been hard to do. I know what she likes, I know what fetches a decent price on the black market, but he starting attacking me – not physically, verbally, I mean. He said I was a bitch for leading him on, that we had a deal, that he owned me for a night."

Anger slammed through the Doctor at the knowledge someone had dared possess Zoe in such a way, and it took all of his self-control to stay perfectly still and not let his anger show for fear that she might believe it was directed at her.

"He pissed me off," Zoe admitted. "God, he pissed me off so much. Cause I've known men like him. Mum used to bring them back home before she realised they were no good. And I told him to shut up but he got right in my face and I hit him." A small, twisted smile touched her lips. "He looked so surprised. I remember thinking why are you surprised? But, I guess assholes never expect to be called out on their behaviour. They definitely never expect to face any consequences. And I looked at him and seeing that purple blood on his face...it felt good. So hit him again. And again. And again. I didn't stop hitting him."

The Doctor imagined the scene perfectly. Some darkened bedroom somewhere on Jek's home world, a bottle of something alcohol set by two glasses – only one of which would've been drunk, he was sure – and Zoe lashing out in anger. He imagined her set against the darkness staring at Jek who was bleeding and how her mind would have worked in that moment.

"By the time I finished," she said. "He was barely breathing. His face was a mess. He was making this horrible, gurgling sound like he was choking on his own blood, and – and I stayed where I was over him and took in what I'd done. I didn't feel guilty then. I didn't feel much of anything. I'd come within inches of killing him because he pissed me off and I didn't feel a thing. All I did was get up off him, take the data processor, and leave. I told Roxx I'd won it in the game and then I tried to forget about it but it didn't work, not always. Sometimes...sometimes I'd look at myself in the mirror and then the guilt hit."

There was a loud ringing sound in the Doctor's ears, like someone had slammed symbols right next to both ears, and his grip on her hands bordered on crushing.

"I was willing to whore myself out for a data processor," Zoe told him, meeting his eyes evenly, trying to shock him. "And I nearly a killed a man for being demanding. So when you tell me that my big heart is enough to stop me from becoming a Valeyard, I can't believe that. My heart hasn't stopped me doing these things."

"Honey –" the Doctor said, voice catching on the air. "Zo, I –"

"And in France I used to break the hands of men who'd look at Reinette the wrong way," she continued, rushing over anything he had to say as though desperate for him to find her as guilty as she found herself and his hearts ached for her. "I also started a fight in a brothel with soldiers, not because I needed information about the Alfasi like I told Reinette but more because I enjoyed it and I was spoiling for a fight. Then there was New Earth."

"What?"

"For a moment I was willing to let the Sisterhood keep doing what they were doing because the good outweighed the bad." Her laugh reminded him of ice cracking. "And there was also that asshole who'd been torturing Jack. If I'd been alone, if you and Mickey hadn't been there, I would have done the same to him as I did to Jek. I know it. And I worry I'm going to do it again. There's that person following me through time. What if I've done something to him? What if I've hurt him? I don't want to be that person, I don't, but I've been violent before and what happened with Lumic...I don't know if I can stop myself."

Tears slipped down her cheeks, her words wrapping themselves in the sobs that she was fighting against. The Doctor freed his hands from hers and pulled her against his chest, holding her to him, hating what she was doing to herself, aware that he had some responsibility in that matter for bringing her into his life. He wouldn't ever change that but it was hard not to feel as though he had dropped the ball somewhere with her that had led to her feeling so distraught and afraid.

"You think you're violent but you're not." The Doctor cupped the back of her head and bowed his mouth close to her scalp so that he could speak softly and sincerely. "I've seen violence and I've known violent people. You are not a violent person. You're not even a cruel one. You're just human. A human who's in situations that you were never born for. You didn't grow up thinking that you'd travel through time and space. You're doing the best you can with the experience you have."

Her breath was wet and heavy against his chest. "I should be better."

"Says who?"

"Me."

"You're always harder on yourself than you need to be," he said with a soft sigh, smoothing her damp hair back from her face and catching her chin with his fingers, lifting it up just a little so their eyes met. "But let me tell you something. Everything you've just told me from Lumic to Jek and to all the idiot men who think they can touch a woman without her permission, it doesn't change anything. Not for me. It doesn't change how I see you, how I love you."

She sniffed, mouth quivering, shaking her head in refusal, desperate for him to hate her as she hated herself yet also terrified of that outcome. "Doctor –"

"Some time ago, I told you what I did to stop the war," he said. "You can't imagine the shame I'd felt over that, that I still feel sometimes. And the guilt. At that point, I was having nightmares every single time I closed my eyes. The TARDIS made sure you and Rose couldn't hear me screaming because I didn't want to scare either of you. And then along you come with your big hair and your big heart and you asked me about it. And do you know what you did?"

Her eyes were shaded with caution. "What?"

"You forgave me," the Doctor said, breathing out long and slow as that moment filled him, the heat of Reylar on his back, Zoe barely a month from Tolandra and Jack still a stranger to them; none of them knowing what lay ahead. "I'd been holding onto so much anger and pain but you forgave me." Even as he said it, it felt wrong. "No, wait, that's not entirely right. What you did was you gave me permission to forgive myself. When you told me I'd been the Doctor more on that day than I'd ever been, it was like this light shining down on me and I was finally able to think clearly. When I slept in your bed that night, it was the first night since Gallifrey burned that I didn't have nightmares."

The tears briefly stopped as she stared up at him. "Really?"

"Yeah."

"You never said."

"I'm saying now," he said. "My point is that you don't need me to forgive you for what you've done. I'll always forgive you, and I'll always love you. What you need is permission to forgive yourself. So take it. Please. Take my permission and forgive yourself for what you believe your sins are."

Her hands flexed on his chest, fresh tears pooling in her eyes.

"I don't – I don't know if I can," Zoe whispered.

"Then I'll forgive you until you're ready to forgive yourself," the Doctor promised. "I forgive you, my love. Always and completely, I forgive you."

A sob caught in her throat before she was in his arms and sobbing. He wrapped his arms around her and drew her back to the bed where he was able to lie her down, climbing on the mattress after her and pulling her against him, hooking his leg over hers and holding her as close as he was able. Gently, he smoothed her hair back and held her as she cried, humming a Gallifreyan lullaby in his throat as the moonlight peeked through the gap in the curtains.

This too will pass, he thought, content to hold her in his arms until it did.


The next day, the Doctor scowled at a lamppost. "This is difficult."

"I know."

"This is really difficult."

Zoe smiled. "I know it is."

"Not for you," he said, looking both ways before they crossed the road. "I know exactly what you'd choose, you don't even have to tell me, but for me? It's like asking me which arm I like the most. I can't choose. They're both my favourite."

"It's okay if you don't know," she told him. "Nothing wrong with that."

"There's just too many things to choose from," he said their hands linked together between them. "Earth cuisine's nice, don't get me wrong, but I do like the food on Drana as well. If Jack ever gets over his aversion to being strangled by water nymphs then we can go back soon and actually eat at a restaurant."

"Yeah." A smile touched her lips. "I think he's firmly set against Drana for the time being."

The Doctor pulled a face, the tip of his nose red from the cold. "All right, so Drana's out too. Oh! Baekpal, I do miss them."

"Baekpal?" Zoe asked, taking her time with the pronunciation, recognising the Gallifreyan lilt to the word. "What's that?"

"Dumplings would be the closest translation," the Doctor said. "My dad used to make them scratch, the dough and everything. He'd go out early in the morning and harvest some of the stalks from our fields. We had them because they purified the air but someone discovered that if you ground the red seeds up into dust and folded them into flour, it gave it this lightly spicy taste. He'd do that with the dough and used to tell me that it was his secret ingredient."

"Does baekpal have any filling?" She asked, faltering on the word but it made him beam, pleased she had tried.

"Stewed va'ia," he said, unhelpfully. "Basically mushrooms. You'd love them. He'd make huge pots full throughout the day, enough that we'd end up eating them for at least a week, and he'd always chase me away from the kitchen because I used to try and steal some before dinner. It was one of the few things Brax and I did together. He'd distract Dad and I'd sneak in to take some and we'd share them in the garden."

Zoe conjured an image of the Doctor and Brax in her mind. She had seen pictures of the Doctor's brother in the only body he had ever had – more careful than the Doctor who went through regenerations as though it was a race – and she enjoyed the thought of the tall, severe-looking man helping his irascible younger brother commit food theft.

"That's absolutely adorable," she said, smiling. "Though, I should say, you haven't grown out of trying to nick food from the kitchen."

"Why would I?" He asked. "It always tastes better when illicitly gained."

"Thief."

"Yep." The p popped on a breath of white air that drifted up towards the cloudy sky. "But since I'm never having them again, I don't know. Can I choose the cuisine instead of just one meal?"

Zoe pretended to mull it over. She loved asking him ridiculous questions as he always took it seriously and gave it proper consideration. They sometimes spent nights when neither of them could sleep weighing up the pros and cons of stupid questions – is cereal soup was a debate that covered three days.

"Go on then," she allowed, lifting one finger from her cup to point at him. "Not planetary though. It's got to be specific to a culture."

He groaned. "That's still hard!"

"It's not like I'm going to hold you to it," she laughed. "Just choose one. I have."

"Yeah, fish and chips," the Doctor said. "Though I say you'll get sick of them after a week."

Her shoulders rolled in a careless shrug beneath Thomas's jacket that was freshly laundered and sat large on her body. "I'm willing to take the risk."

"Fine, fine." His face fell into a pout that she wanted to kiss from him. "If I have to choose –"

"You do."

"And it's got to be specific –"

"It does."

"Then I suppose, at a push, the one cuisine that I'd choose to eat for the rest of my life would be Indian."

"Really?" Zoe asked, surprised. "Have we ever had an Indian together?"

"We must've done," the Doctor said. "But yeah, Indian. Is that so surprising?"

"Apparently," she said. "Why Indian?"

"It can be spicy, which I like," he explained, hopping across the zebra crossing by only landing on the white lines, the bag of food shaking in his hand. "There's a lot of different variants so I'm not stuck with one kind, and there's a lot of vegetarian dishes as well."

"That's important, is it?" Zoe asked, sticking her tongue out at an old man who was frowning at the Doctor in disapproval. He scowled and she pulled another face in return, only turning back to the Doctor when he was gone. "The vegetarian aspect?"

"Yeah, a bit," he said. "My lot never ate meat. I mean, we did way back when but I never ate meat until leaving Gallifrey."

"Wait a second." She pulled him up short as they reached their hotel that looked nicer in the daylight than it had when they had stumbled in exhausted and bruised the night before. "You're a vegetarian?"

"Not particularly," the Doctor said, plastic bag bumping against her stomach as he readjusted her collar so it lay flat against her shoulder. "I started eating meat when I travelled with Marco Polo as there wasn't much of an option otherwise. Also, Susan was fussing about it so to get her to do it, I did it. I don't really think about it now. Although, let me tell you, when my people found out I was eating meat – absolute hell up. Really didn't help me fight my case during my first trial. Personally, I think it's why they exiled me. They just used the interference laws as a smokescreen."

When his children heard that he was eating meat, they held an intervention for him during the weekend he was allowed home on temporary release while awaiting sentencing. The four of them had sat opposite him, his parents and Levokania's flanking them while Brax sat in a corner and eyed the brother he didn't fully understand. It was an entertaining memory now centuries later but, at the time, his children had been devastated at yet another sign that he wasn't well, believing his desire to travel a sign of unresolved grief. It had been so bad that even Susan's father was there and his son had refused to speak to him after he absconded Gallifrey with his daughter and then left her behind with a human.

"How did I not know this?" Zoe asked with a baffled laugh, drawing him back to the present, shaking the memory from him. "Do even you like eating meat?"

"I like your roast chicken," he told her. "And Mickey's goat stew is to die for. The way he gets that meat so tender is –" a pleased sound sent warmth spooling through her stomach. "And I occasionally get the craving for something like hot dogs, but I'm pretty ambivalent about it all told. If I don't eat meat again, it's not the end of the world."

"Huh." She stared up at him, eyes flicking over his face thoughtfully. "You know, I like finding these little things out about you. I like that I don't know everything yet."

"Am I mystery, Zoe Tyler?"

"A little bit of one, I guess." Her fingers slipped around his tie and gave him a small tug, encouraging him to lean down. "One I'm enjoying at any rate."

He caught sight of her sparkling eyes and curling smile before he was close enough to kiss her, releasing her hand so that he as able to slip an arm around her waist and pull her closer. It was slightly awkward to kiss when she had a coffee cup that was releasing warm steam by his ear and he had a plastic bag half-squished between them but that had never stopped them in the past. The tip of his tongue tasted the black coffee on her lips and the flat surface of her teeth, wondering if they would be able to simply dump the food outside Jack and Mickey's room and retire to theirs without question. He had kept true to his promise and not touched her until she woke up but, by then, they were both hungry and Zoe was in a strange fugue after her emotional upheaval the night before, so they skipped sex and went in search of food.

"Is this the new normal then?" They broke apart and looked to the side where Rose stood, arms folded across her chest, a shadowed look on her face. "You two snoggin' wherever?"

"It's a possibility," Zoe said. "He's very kissable."

The Doctor's cheeks turned pink and Rose gave an unimpressed harrumph but didn't rise to the bait Zoe dangled in front of her, testing the waters for an argument.

"Got your message," Rose said, holding up the note that had Gone for breakfast, will bring something back on it with the Doctor's illustration of an elephant in a top hat sitting down for pancakes beneath it. "Please tell me you've got food an' didn't get distracted by kissin'."

"We saved the kissing for after we got the food," the Doctor told her, holding up the bag. "We found this nice café that did all sorts so we bought everything breakfast-like on the menu more or less. Figured you'd all be hungry."

"I'm starving," she agreed, reaching eagerly for the bag. "Jack and Mickey are awake but they're still upstairs."

"How's Jack?" Zoe asked as they entered the hotel and crossed the spacious lobby. "Is he with it?"

"Yeah," Rose said. "But he's really pale. I think he's puttin' a decent front up, an' Mickey's hoverin' around him like he does. D'you think the TARDIS is better yet?"

"Not yet." The Doctor reached out with his mind and touched his ship; she felt sluggish and sick the way humans got after operating on no-sleep for a week. He sent soothing thoughts to her and a brush of gratitude lined his mind. "I'm sure she'll be able to manage a trip to the future for Jack though, but you two are going to have to stay here."

"What, why?"

They turned on him, their images reflected in the mirrors that walled the turbolift. His hand touched his hair and smoothed down the errant strands that had dried funny after sleeping on them; unlike Zoe, he didn't have enough hair to twist into braids to look presentable.

"It's really weird when you two do that," the Doctor said. "You're like the twins from The Shining."

Rose snorted. "Don't change the subject. Why are you leavin' us behind?"

"Don't say it like that," he complained, Zoe pressing the button for their floor, her silence enough to let him know she wasn't happy about his plan. "It makes it sound horrible when you say I'm leaving you behind."

"If the shoe fits, Doctor."

He rolled his eyes. "Do you want the long version or the short version?"

Zoe and Rose exchanged a look at said together, "the short."

"The TARDIS is much weaker than normal and when we're in flight there's a lot of complex things happening that change regarding how many people are on board," the Doctor explained, absently running his thumb over Zoe's knuckles as she leaned into him. "Right now, it's best to keep occupants to a minimum especially with Jack not being at full strength. Besides, I'll be there and back before you know it and if either of you mention twelve bloody months to me, I'm stopping this lift and you can take the stairs."

Zoe slowly closed her mouth, about to make that very point.

"I suppose there are worse places to spend a couple of hours," she mused. "I've never been to Norway before."

"If we're goin' to explore, we need warmer clothes," Rose pointed out; she was always wearing her clean maid's uniform beneath Mickey's jumper. "Shoppin'?"

Zoe groaned. "I hate shopping."

"You'll hate freezin' to death more."

Jack and Mickey were sitting up in their bed watching Norwegian TV. They looked up when the Doctor breezed through the door with a perfunctory knock, having not learnt his lesson about walking in on them in bed, and he greeted them cheerfully. As Rose had said, Jack was pale, the colour drained out of his skin and making him looking like a ghost, but he had an easy smile for all of them and happily tilted his face up so that Zoe could kiss his forehead in greeting.

"You look better," he noted as Rose handed out the styrofoam packs of food. "Took a shower, did you?"

"And I didn't use up all the hot water," Zoe said before glancing at the Doctor. "I didn't, did I?"

"Nope," he said, slipping the screwdriver back in his pocket after running a quick scan on Jack. "We slept for a long time though. I can't remember the last time I slept that much. I don't know how you lot manage it."

"Spare us the rant about humans bein' an inferior species until after we've had food, would you, mate?" Mickey popped open his container and took in the breakfast sandwich that looked like heaven, the pizza and sandwich from the previous night not enough to chase away the edge of hunger. "Thanks for this."

"No problem," the Doctor said, flopping into a chair, his legs splayed as he opened his own breakfast, eyes fixed on Jack, ignoring the pleased sounds Rose made in the corner when she discovered a large lox bagel in her container. "How do you feel?"

"Good," Jack said around a mouthful of pancakes, syrup rolling down his chin.

Mickey frowned at him. "He does not. His knees are hurtin'."

"Only a little."

"Started about six this mornin'."

"But I'm feeling good now."

"Only because you took another dose of pain medication."

"Exactly," Jack said with a nod. "So I'm good."

"Right." The Doctor's eyes slid back and forth between Mickey and Jack before lifting an eyebrow at Zoe who took a large bite of her sausage in response. "Well, the good news is the sonic says that the swelling's gone down. The bad news is that we definitely need to leave for the 81st century today if you don't want to be recovering for the next two months."

Jack bobbed his head. "I do not."

"The TARDIS can do that?" Mickey asked. "She was lookin' a right state yesterday."

"We all were," he said. "And she's got a soft spot for Jack ever since he cleaned the manifold area when he first came on board and used to make himself useful." Jack flipped him off. "So as soon as you two finish eating, we'll head off. The girls are staying behind due to safety issues so what I'll do is take you there, get you settled, meet with your surgeon and stay through the surgery and then take you to the resort where you can recover. Do you know where you want to go? If you haven't decided, Zoe had a nice time in France."

"I did have a great time in France," Zoe agreed, wiping some grease from her chin with a napkin as Rose finished her breakfast in the corner. "The resort was amazing, the food exquisite, the sex very good."

"I knew you'd met someone there!" The Doctor pointed a finger at her. "I drop you off for a week's holiday and you go off debauching."

Rose's eyes narrowed from the corner. "She was seventeen then. You tellin' me you fancied my sister when she was seventeen?"

He froze, finger extended accusingly at an unconcerned Zoe. "No?"

"You askin' me or you tellin' me?" As he squirmed, Rose was struck with the realisation of how much fun she was going to have with him now. "Because it sounds to me like you were fancyin' her before you should."

"No, that's not what – all I meant was –" he floundered. "Zoe, help?"

"Leave him alone," she said except she spoke with a mouthful of food and it come out sounding like leaf 'im alo'e.

"Thanks," he sighed. "Very helpful."

She flashed him two thumbs up and made a smile appear, dimpling his cheeks.

"The sex sounds interesting but ours is a monogamous relationship," Jack said, patting Mickey's thigh. "Although, I wouldn't mind hearing about Zoe's love affair."

Swallowing her food, she rolled her eyes. "Not a love affair."

"Shame," he replied, winking at her. "Maybe we'll try France at some point but we want to go back to Jamaica: Nice weather, nice hotel, nice people. Anywhere else and we'd want to explore."

The Doctor frowned, suddenly stern. "No exploring. Mickey, keep him off his knees for at least two weeks. Even in the shower. Carry him if you have to. Actually, now that I'm talking about it, maybe we should get a care nurse for the first couple of weeks after –"

"No," Jack said.

"But –"

"No."

The Doctor sighed. "Fine, but you're not to move until the surgeon tells you to. We need you healthy before anything else."

"How long will it take?" Rose asked, discarding her rubbish in the bin and wiping her hands on Mickey's damp towel that was draped over the corner of the desk. "For him to get better, I mean."

"Don't know," the Doctor admitted. "A month I imagine, maybe six weeks if he doesn't keep his weight off it." He glanced to Jack. "Are you sure you'll be okay in Jamaica that long?"

"In paradise on Earth with my sexy boyfriend?" Mickey slouched down the bed, embarrassed while Rose and Zoe grinned. "Once I can move around a bit more, we're going to rent an apartment so we've got more freedom. It'll be nice. Peaceful. What are you lot going to do while we gone anyway?"

"Haven't decided yet," the Doctor said. "We'll probably just jump ahead six weeks so we link up again. One of the many benefits of a time machine."

It was ninety minutes later that they were standing outside the TARDIS that was half buried in the sand, the tide mercifully out so at least their feet weren't getting wet, waiting for Zoe to let them in as she was the only one who had her key on her. The door opened an inch before sticking and she put her shoulder against it and forced her way inside. Instead of the usual warmth that greeted her when she entered, there was a damp, cold chill in the air and the lights were off. Puddles of sea water littered the ground and her nose twitched at the smell of wet metal that wrapped around the room.

"Christ," Zoe said, stepping inside and out of the way so that the Doctor, carrying Jack in his arms, was able to set Jack down on the jumpseat. "She's taken a hell of a beating."

Her hand pressed against a coral strut in sympathy.

"How is she?" Rose asked, concerned.

"Ticking along," the Doctor said, leaving Jack in Mickey's capable care as he stroked the edge of the console. "Bit weak but she's getting better, aren't you girl?" The lights gave a weak flutter. "I know. I'm sorry about yesterday. Took us by surprise too, but I need you to take us to the 81st century for Jack. Can you do that?"

The lights flashed, stronger.

"Thanks, sweetheart," Jack said.

"All right." The Doctor checked the systems and though everything appeared okay, he worried about taking flight with so little fuel. "Everything seems to be in order. It definitely won't be as bumpy as yesterday but you'll both need to hold on tightly. Zoe, Rose, –"

"Yeah, we know," Zoe said. "Time for us to leave."

She crossed the room to give Jack a tight hug, holding him to her; she knew she would see him again soon but it was the first time he was going away since they had got him back from the remnants of the Time Agency. She pressed a kiss to his cheek and smoothed his hair back from his forehead before stepping into Mickey's arms for a hug goodbye. She was loathe to let them leave without everyone together, fearful of what might happen when they were separated as no good had ever come from them splitting up, but she kept her fears to herself and made her way over to the Doctor. He straightened up and smiled when she took his face between her hands.

"Stay safe," Zoe instructed. "And don't leave me waiting for you. I'll be very cross if you do."

"You won't even notice I'm gone," he promised. "You'll be like – God, Doctor, I thought I'd just got rid of you, you handsome Time Lord."

"Is this your way of telling me I don't call you handsome often enough?"

"I could stand to hear it more," he confessed.

She lifted herself up onto her toes and kissed him, aware that they were being watched but past caring after the previous night's emotional exhaustion. He still hadn't shaved and his stubble scratched against her shin, a beard darkening his lower face in a way that looked dirty; she didn't mind though and touched the tips of her fingers to the bottom of his chin, holding him in place as she eased back.

"You're beautiful," she murmured. A pleased flush rolled through him, delighting her as he turned shy for the briefest moment. Giving him one final kiss, she eased back and smoothed her hands over his chest. "Now, I'll see you soon."

The Doctor cleared his throat. "Right, yep. Soon, soon, soon."

"God." Rose rolled her eyes. "He turns into a right idiot when you kiss him."

"Be nice," Jack chastised, leaning his head against Mickey's arm. "It's sweet."

Rose and Zoe left the TARDIS with a final round of goodbyes and stood on the beach as the TARDIS began to dematerialise before them. Despite not normally watching their home appear and disappear, they were aware that the churning, broken sound she made – like glass and rocks tossed into a blender – wasn't right. Her image warped, the police box briefly distorting into her original form of a silver cylinder as the Chameleon Circuit accidentally connected for the first time in centuries before her normal appearance reasserted itself. With one final belch that spewed time energy and exhaust into the air, golden curls missing with sooty exhales making them cough, the TARDIS was gone.

"Okay, now I'm worried," Zoe said. "That wasn't at all healthy."

"Yeah, no, that was awful," Rose agreed. "Poor thing. I hope she gets better soon. I don't like thinkin' of her as somethin' that's broken. She's always so, y'know, strong."

"I thought only Daleks could do that much damage to a TARDIS," she frowned. "God, it's one thing after another with inter-universal travel. Happy not to be doing that again. Wouldn't have been so bad if there hadn't been Cybermen."

Rose nodded. "You want to get goin'? Don't know about you but I'm fuckin' freezin'."

"God, yes." Zoe pulled Thomas's jacket tighter around her. "Can we at least get a taxi though? I don't want to walk any more."

There was a sparse taxi rank ten minutes from where they stepped off the beach and they took one into the centre of Bergen. It was a nice city if somewhat small in size when compared with what they were used to though it was certainly pretty set as it was surrounded by water and large hills. The taxi driver who – upon learning they were British – took a shine to them for the simple fact that they spoke fluent Norwegian, something he said was an oddity for foreigners let alone British people; unable to explain exactly why they were fluent, Rose and Zoe reaped the benefits of his good nature and were deposited directly outside Kløverhuset, Norway's oldest shopping centre.

"Call me when you need another taxi," Alf said, pressing his card into Zoe's hand. "Happy to help people who take the time to learn the language."

"Thank you," Rose said, hand on Zoe's back, pushing her away from the taxi that honked before sliding into the traffic. "He was friendly."

"Only because we're fluent in Norwegian," Zoe replied. "You keeping his card? He wasn't wearing a wedding ring, you could –"

"Shut up."

Zoe grinned at her back as Rose walked in ahead of her. Warmth washed over them and pushed feeling back into their fingers that prickled as the cold left them, ignoring the curious looks they attracted given how they were dressed. Not only was it strange to see French maid uniforms anywhere in Norway, they were also inappropriately dressed for Norway in November; though, it was hardly the first time they had turned up to places with attire that drew attention and they doubted it would be the last.

Grabbing her arm, Rose dragged over to an information board that had a map of the shopping centre displayed for the convenience of those not in the know. Zoe shifted from foot to foot, uncomfortable in her trainers that were stiff with dried blood, and allowed Rose to lead the way to the nearest clothing store that contained a style of clothing neither would have chosen to wear if they had other options but, cold and annoyed at still wearing Pete's idea of an appropriate serving uniform, they made do.

It didn't take long to snatch up clothes that fit and pay for them, the staff kind enough to let them use the changing rooms to get out of their dresses. Rose finished first and was adjusting the belt on her long coat, frowning at her reflection in the mirror, certain that Aunt Caroline was looking back at her when she caught sight of Zoe stepping out from behind the curtain.

Her eyebrows went up. "What the hell?"

Decked out as though a clown had thrown up on her, Zoe wore a pair of bright green, wide-legged trousers that cinched in around her waist with a furious fuchsia polo neck tucked into it. On her feet, she had chosen to wear a pair of shiny, sky blue boots that reflected the ceiling off them. For a final flourish, she slipped on a bight yellow coat that went to her knees with toggles for buttons. Shoving her hands into her pocket, she turned on the spot.

"What d'you think?"

"You look ridiculous."

"Thanks." Zoe's beaming grin almost made Rose laugh. "There wasn't anything I liked so I thought I'd channel my inner Doctor for fun. I kind of get why he used to dress the way he did. This is a lot of fun."

"You're not the one who has to look at you," Rose said, gathering their belongings. "Come on, Elmer."

"Elmer?"

"The patchwork elephant," she said. "Granddad used to read it to us, remember?"

"I'm not patchwork," Zoe complained. "This was very carefully assembled."

She snorted. "If you say so."

Rose threw her maid uniform away, stuffing it into a bin that contained empty drink cans, discarded receipts, and half-eaten food, not thinking to question why Zoe kept hers folded into a small square in her pocket.

Despite having breakfast only a few hours earlier, they both remained hungry and deliberated over a number of different restaurants before stepping into the one that looked the friendliest and taking a seat in the back. Zoe set her coat over the back of her chair and jiggled her knee when she was seated, itching to pull her phone out to see if the Doctor had texted even though he knew she didn't have her phone any more.

"I called Mum this mornin'," Rose said, fiddling with a paper napkin after the waitress took their drink order and left, pulling her from her thoughts. "I needed to hear her voice."

"Yeah, I get that," Zoe said, mind drifting to the other Jackie. "She all right?"

"Bit freaked out by us bein' in a parallel universe an' her not knowin' about it, but yeah, she's fine," she said. "Told me to tell you to call her soon as you can. Thinks she wants to make sure you're okay."

"Once I replace my phone I'll give her a call."

Rose bobbed her head, eyes looking anywhere but her sister. "I think she had a bloke around."

"She what now?"

"I heard someone in the background," she told her. "I asked her about it but you know what she's like."

"Oh." Zoe frowned. "Who d'you think it is?"

"Don't know, David, maybe."

"Llewellyn?" Her nose wrinkled. "I think Mum scares him a little."

"Probably," Rose laughed only to lean back in her chair when the drinks arrived sooner than expected. Zoe had decided on wine, coming to the conclusion that she deserved it after everything, but Rose stuck with a diet coke rather than splitting a bottle with her. "What d'you want to eat?"

Zoe looked up at the waitress, a pretty Black woman whose hair was braided away from her face. "Whatever's the special, thanks."

"Me too," Rose said, silence falling between them as the waitress left, awkwardness settling where there had once been only comfort. "You all right? You looked awful last night."

"Thanks, that's always nice to hear," Zoe said, dryly. "And I feel better. The shower helped. So did sleep."

So did the Doctor, she thought though did not say.

"Good, that's good." Rose's fingers tapped against the table and Zoe noticed that her nail polish was chipped. "Think Jack's goin' to be okay?"

"Yeah, I do." For want of something to do with her hands, she picked up her glass of wine and sipped it. "It's Jack. Bit weird him and Mickey are taking a holiday though. I mean, good for them but it's more the thought of Mickey on a romantic break that's weirding me out. Wasn't his idea of a romantic trip a weekend Brighton for you two?"

"Yeah an' we never actually made it there," Rose remembered, unable to recall what had stopped them in the end. "Besides, you're one to talk."

"What's that mean?"

"You an' the Doctor," Rose said. "That's so much weirder than Mickey an' Jack goin' off on holiday."

"Is it though?"

"Yeah, it is."

"Right." Zoe set her wine glass down and looked at her sister, feeling the tension in the air between them, not sure her heart was able to take Rose rejecting her, not when she was so bruised from the parallel universe. The Doctor said she needed to forgive herself for the things she had done but she didn't know how; what she did know was that she needed her sister to be able to do it. "Are we talking about this then? No more fighting, we're actually going to sit here and talk about it?"

Rose tore tiny shreds off her napkin, sending paper snowflakes over her lap and floor. "S'pose we have to. Can't keep yellin' at each other."

"It would be the adult thing to do," Zoe said.

"God." Rose pulled a face. "Are we adults now? When did that happen?"

She shrugged. "Fucked if I know."

"All right." Rose shifted in her seat and let the mangled napkin fall next to her sweating glass. "You an' the Doctor."

Zoe nodded slowly. "Me and the Doctor."

The conversation stalled. There was so much to say, so many things to unpack, that neither of them knew where to start. Months and months they had been putting off talking to each other, papering over the fine cracks in their relationship that branched out from Rose's year of absence. Their relationship hadn't fully recovered from that year, not really; for Zoe, thinking about that time and the uncertainty and bone-deep fear that came with believing her sister dead lingered in her blood. Rose was oblivious to the pain as for her only a few hours had passed and she sometimes forgot she had even been gone at all. The distance started there, eroding the foundation of their relationship until France created another crack in it, Zoe's year with the Doctor a fracture, the Game Station chipping edges away from it, until the secrecy of Zoe's relationship connected all the cracks and making them impossible to ignore.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you about us," Zoe said, taking the first step. "That was wrong of me. I've got all these excuses but none of them matter. I should've told you and that's that, so I'm sorry."

"Yeah, you should have," Rose agreed. "I felt so stupid when I saw the two of you together. I know we never talked about it but I fancied him. Still do a little even though I know everythin' now. It's hard not to. I saw you two an' I was humiliated, like you'd been talkin' about me an' laughin'."

"Rose," Zoe said, hurt. "I would never –"

"I know," she interrupted. "He wouldn't either. It's how I felt."

"It sounds ridiculous now," Zoe said. "But we really were planning to tell you the next morning. I'd been practicing this speech that I was going to give you, and the Doctor was going to make sure he was out of Mum's reach. I'd decided it was time after we met Sarah Jane and then Jack and Mickey told us about them. Figured I was just being a coward and I really was going to tell you."

Rose looked at her and took in the faint distress around her eyes. "I believe you."

"It was that stupid argument of ours," she sighed. "If we hadn't been fighting, we wouldn't have been making up."

"I don't really want to hear about that," Rose said, stopping her before she went into details. "It's bad enough I see it on repeat when I close my eyes."

"Well, stop thinking about it."

"I can't help it," she protested. "There I am mindin' my own business an' this image pops into my head of the two of you in that bloody cupboard. I mean, what were you thinkin'? You know how filthy that pub is. It's disgustin'."

"I didn't plan on having sex there," Zoe said, defensively. "I don't actually plan to have sex in public. It just happened."

"God," Rose grimaced. "I'd just about accepted that you'd had sex with Reinette and then I see that. There are some things I don't want to know about my baby sister an' that's one of them. We're not like Keisha an' her sister."

"Thank god," she exclaimed, leaning forwards. "Did you hear about them and Rodrigo?"

"Rodrigo from the bank, or Rodrigo from the jewellers?"

"The bank."

"What about them?"

"Threesome," Zoe said, enjoying the way Rose's mouth dropped. "Yeah, Becky with the moustache told me about it. Thought she was talking a load of shit until Keisha told me it was true. She and Jewell both fancied Rodrigo –"

"Why?" Rose looked disgusted. "Rodrigo's such a twat. He's good lookin', I s'pose, but all he talks about is how much money he's makin'. The bank's a good job but it's not like he's workin' for Deutsche."

"I don't see the attraction either," she admitted. "But Rodrigo was playing them both. Don't know how he thought he'd get away with it since everyone knows those two tell each other everything. Anyway, apparently it all came out and instead of dumping him in the rubbish where he belonged, they had a threesome with him. I'm telling you, the details were gross."

"Wait." Rose's eyes filled with fascinated horror. "They didn't. Keisha an' Jewell didn't...y'know...together?"

"Nah, they didn't go that far," Zoe said, and Rose deflated with relief. "Bad enough they were shagging the same bloke at the same time in the same room though. So, yeah, we're definitely not like Keisha and her sister."

Rose reached over and took Zoe's wine, drinking the glass down before refilling it with the bottle that sat in the middle of the table. "D'you think how lucky we are for gettin' off the estate?"

"Only every time we go home," she said. "I mean, it's home but I've wanted off the estate since I was about ten. The universe is a bit of an overkill but, yeah, it's good to be gone most of the time."

"Yeah," Rose agreed, the tension dissipating between them. "Guess meetin' the Doctor was a pretty good thing."

Zoe snorted. "You doubted that?"

"A couple of times," she admitted, honestly. "After Mondas was a pretty rough time. But I was questionin' it a lot after you came back from France. I was so angry at him then. I think I hid it, not that he'd have noticed as he was so fixated on you. He always has been. It's like from the moment he met you, you've just interested him. Guess it's like meetin' like, I s'pose."

"What does that mean?"

"Oh, y'know." Rose waved her hand dismissively. "You're pretty similar. You share the same interests an' you both like geekin' out over science an' books. Shouldn't have been surprised when I found out you two were shaggin'. S'pose it was only a matter of time."

"I don't know." Zoe ran her fingers over the curved stem of her wine glass. "I don't like to think we're meant to be. I prefer thinking of it as something we choose rather than something we can't control. The idea that he chooses to love me means a lot more than the universe conspiring to get us together."

Rose huffed a laugh. "You're just as romantic as he is. It's gross."

"What are you talking about?" Zoe asked, confused.

"Earlier, back in the other universe," she said. "Way he was talkin' about you, I thought he might break out into poetry."

"He can get a little poetic," Zoe said, fingers touching the hollow of her neck through her jumper. "It's one of his charms."

"I'm sure," Rose said, doubtful. "An' considerin' you're sittin' here talkin' about him like you are means that you're also completely mad for him."

"I am," she said, honestly. "And despite what you said, it's been six years since Reinette died, and I –"

"Don't," Rose interrupted, Zoe's eyes snapping to hers. "I shouldn't have said what I said about Reinette. I know you loved her, an' I know you've been grievin'. It's been longer for you an' I sometimes forget that but I still should never have said what I said. I'm sorry. Really, really sorry."

"Thank you." Zoe swallowed, fingers clenching into a fist on her thigh. "I'm still a little upset with you though but that's not really your fault. I guess I'm just frustrated that we've let a lot of stuff get in the way of things, in the way of us. It's been...hard, for a long time actually. It's felt like one thing after another and it was just easier for me to not put the effort in because you're my sister and you're not going anywhere but that's a shit reason. I should be making the effort because you're my sister and you deserve it, but I'm also annoyed that you haven't really been making an effort either because you had Jack and it felt like he'd replaced me a little."

"He hasn't," Rose told her. "He can't."

"I know," she said. "Can't help how I feel though."

"Yeah, I know that feelin'," Rose sighed before sitting up straighter. "I've got an idea."

Zoe raised her eyebrows. "Yeah?"

"Let's make a promise."

"I'm not doing a spit promise," she said, immediately. "It's gross and unsanitary. I didn't like it as a kid, I definitely don't like it now."

"You kiss the Doctor," Rose reminded her. "An' we all know he licks things he shouldn't. Don't be comin' at me with hygiene worries."

Zoe folded her arms over her chest, stubborn. "I'm not doing it."

"Fine, how about a pinky promise?" Rose extended her little finger and Zoe eyed it suspiciously, wondering if Rose was going to trick her at the last moment, before deciding to trust her. Hooking her pinky around Rose's, she raised her eyebrows, bemused. "Let's promise to make time for each other – no boys, no aliens, no nothing – just me and you. We'll do things together like we used to an' actually talk to each other this time because I really need to tell you about this thing that's goin' on with Drew. He keeps sendin' me all these messages an' I need him to stop because, honestly, it was just a one-night stand an' I know I could've chosen better than someone who fancied me but it's really a lot right now an' I don't know what to do."

Zoe laughed, tightening her finger around Rose's. "I can help with that. I'm going to need your help to bring Mum around though. I really want the Doctor to be able to go back into the flat without fearing being smacked again."

"Done," Rose said. "But you've definitely got the easier part to deal with. Mum's really not happy about it."

"Yeah, I know."

"So...promise?"

Zoe looked at their joined fingers and felt hopeful as she lifted her eyes and smiled at her sister. "Promise."

And when the Doctor returned later that evening, sliding his keycard into the door of his hotel room tired after two long days of helping Jack, he found Zoe and Rose on the bed laughing as though nothing had happened and the universe felt right again.