Theon wasn't the only one who had a nightmare that night. King Joffrey had had one too. He dreamed that his uncle Stannis was coming for him. He got so scared that he shat the bed. He woke screaming, tangled in dirty, crapped sheets.

He immediately marched down the hall to his mother's bedroom and demanded to spend the rest of the night with her. He didn't want to go back to sleep in his own bed because that was where Stannis would be looking for him if he actually got inside (and also because of the terrible mess he had made in the bed).

That morning at court Joffrey and Cersei both had bags under their eyes. Their day was off to a bad start and it got even worse when Varys stepped forward to give a report. "Enemy sails have been sighted. Stannis is on his way. He'll be here by nightfall."

"We knew this day would come eventually," Tyrion said. He sniffed the air. "What's that smell?"

Joffrey's face reddened. He had dropped another load, this time in his pants. "Probably nothing," he said pompously. He stood up from his Iron Throne. "Court is dismissed for the day," he said as he walked off in an awkward, shambling waddle, trying to keep the poop from spilling out of his pants.

Clearly, Joffrey wasn't going to be of any use defending the city. It was up to Tyrion.

He spent most of that day in his chambers, poring through stacks of books. Bane and Bronn sat beside him, with Bronn cleaning his fingernails.

Tyrion glared at him. "Must you do that here?"

"I like to keep my hands clean," Bronn replied.

"Again, do you have to do it here? In my room?"

"None of the creatures in my band bother with keepin' their fingernails clean, I can tell you that," said Bane.

Bronn took out a piece of dental floss and started flossing his teeth. Tyrion stared.

"What? I'm not cleanin' my nails anymore," Bronn said.

"No, you're doing something even more disgusting!" Tyrion said furiously.

"Can't clean my nails, can't clean my teeth. Why am I even here?"

"I want you and Bane to help me plan the defense of King's Landing."

Bane stood up and picked up one of the books. "So, can this tell us how to beat Stannis?"

"That's Archmaester Ch'Vyalthan's 'History of the Great Sieges of Westeros,'" Tyrion explained. "And you're holding it upside down. Do you even know how to read?"

"'Course not! What d'you take me for, a fool? I have better ways to spend my time than stickin' my snout into books. I'd swap all these books you got here for a few good archers."

"Me too," said Bronn. "I suppose we could always throw the books at Stannis's men."

"We don't have enough books for that," Tyrion said, pretending to treat Bronn's joke seriously.

"We don't have enough men either," said Bronn. "All we have is wildfire. Might as well be pig shit."

Bane disagreed with him. "I've seen wildfire used before, when I served Aerys Targaryen. It's super effective."

"You make it sound like an attack from Pokemon," Tyrion quipped.

"Wildfire can burn forever," Bane went on. "There's no extinguishin' it. Try to piss it out, and you'll burn your cock off. It'll be a useful weapon, long as we make sure it stays pointed at them and not at us."

Tyrion reached for a map of King's Landing. "Stannis will probably attack at the Mud Gate. It's weak to battering rams and only 50 yards from shore."

"Okay, we'll place the cache of wildfire there," said Bane.

"Just as long as the fire doesn't get out of control," said Tyrion.

They stayed in there all day, making plans. Tyrion only emerged to meet Cersei for dinner in her bedchamber.

Tyrion's squire, Jeff Fischer, served them. "Here's some wine, Mr. L," he said. He always called everyone by the first initial of their last name.

Cersei took this as a slight to the honor of their house. "You will address my brother as 'Lord Lannister' or 'Lord Tyrion'. Never 'Mr.'! He's not a commoner!"

Jeff held up his hands. "Whoa! Sorry."

"It's all right," said Tyrion. "He can call me whatever he wants. Just as long as he doesn't call me imp or halfman."

Jeff left. Cersei wrinkled her nose. "He's an odd boy."

"I have a certain sympathy for odd boys," Tyrion said.

Cersei switched topics. "I don't want Joffrey fighting in the battle."

"Why not? It'll be an inspiration for the troops. A brave young king fighting to defend the capital from a wicked old rebel."

"Joffrey is only a boy!" Cersei snapped.

"There are boys younger than him fighting in his war. Wasn't Jaime about his age when he joined the Kingsguard?"

"Some men are more gifted for fighting than others," Cersei argued. "Joffrey should not be on the battlefield."

"He shouldn't be on the throne either, but he is, sadly for his people," said Tyrion.

"Do you think I'm an idiot?" Cersei asked angrily.

"No, I think you have average intelligence."

"You sent Myrcella to Dorne. Now you want to send Joffrey to his death."

"It won't be his death," said Tyrion. "He'll be surrounded by the Kingsguard and wearing the best armor money can buy. The people will fight better if they can see their king fighting beside them. He can't hide behind your skirts forever!"

"I have your little whore," she said abruptly.

Tyrion froze, fork halfway to his mouth. "What?"

"Oh, don't worry, she'll be fine, as long as Joffrey is safe. But any wounds Joffrey suffers will be inflicted upon her."

Two knights came in. They were brothers, Osney and Osfryd Kettleblack. They were holding a girl between them… and she was not Shae. She was another prostitute.

Tyrion wanted to laugh, but it would have given him away. He had to make Cersei think she'd gotten the right girl.

Tyrion got up and approached the prostitute. "Sweetling," he said. "You must be brave. I am sorry they hurt you."

"Um… thanks I guess?" she said.

Tyrion turned back to Cersei. "You swear you'll release her after the battle?"

"As long as no harm comes to Joffrey."

Tyrion offered a compromise. "Okay, how about this? We'll have Joffrey go up on the ramparts before the battle so everyone can see him, but then he can go back inside when the fighting actually begins, so he'll be out of danger."

"Fine with me," Cersei said icily. "Just make sure he really is out of the way before the fighting begins."

Tyrion glared at her. "I have never liked you, Cersei, but you were my own sister, so I never did you harm. You've ended that. I will hurt you for this. I don't know how yet, but give me time. A day will come when you think yourself safe and happy, and suddenly your joy will turn to ashes in your mouth, and you'll know the debt is paid."