The dock hummed with activity. Garrus stacked a crate of heatsinks on top of another in the Normandy's cargo hold. The ramp was down, Tali having replaced the damaged hydraulics in record time, and he could see the rest of the crew trickling in and out of the ship carrying supplies. Even Jack was helping.

He stretched, wincing when something cracked, and then reached down for the strap to secure the crates to the deck. On the SR1, Pressly had been fond of leaving notices around the ship warning of the dire consequences of leaving equipment unsecured, compelte with lots of exclamation marks. Whenever someone complained, the old man had very seriously told the story he'd heard from a friend who knew of a sailor on a cruiser that had been killed by a hand weight when the ship had gone into maneuvers.

"Struck the poor fucker in the temple," The XO had said very seriously over breakfast one morning. "Dead as a doornail."

The memory was fond, if fleeting. Thinking of Pressly just reminded Garrus of the lives that had already been taken - and the lives that might have just been lost.

There was a high chance that the Normandy crew were already dead. Their strike at the Collectors wasn't a rescue mission. Hell, it might not be one any of them came out of.

He didn't know what Shepard thought. Whether she really believed the crew were alive, or if it was just something she was telling the crew. Ever since Toombs' death, she'd been keeping her thoughts close to the chest.

"EDI?" he asked into the air of the cargo bay.

"Yes, Mr Vakarian?"

"Where's Shepard?"

"Commander Shepard is in the mess hall."

When Garrus stepped out of the elevator, Shepard's voice carried. The whole deck was far too silent.

"Some might say I'm transhuman with all these new bits Cerberus put in me," Shepard's tone was darkly humourous. Vakarian stuttered to a stop.

His stomach sank.

"Acknowledged."

She was talking to the geth?

"Consider: the Systems Alliance laws on AI stipulate that a transhuman by definition is a human individual who has supplemented or replaced brain function with cybernetics. Your brain functions are entirely organic. Consider: if the organic mind and concept of self is a product of the brain, you are fully human."

"That's...almost comforting. I'll take cyborg zombie over them fucking with my brain, I guess."

"Acknowledged."

Garrus cleared his throat and stepped around the wall. "Hey, Shepard. Legion."

The geth turned, head vanes flaring and relaxing.

"Garrus." The red lines across Shepard's jaw had lengthened, angry red furrows in her dark skin.

"Give us a moment?" Garrus asked the geth awkwardly. He still had the urge to go for a gun everytime he saw Legion out of the corner of his eye.

"Acknowledged."

Shepard and Garrus watched them disappear into the medbay.

"Shepard..."

"How's the loading going?"

"It's nearly done. Talking to the geth about...?" Philosophy? Shepard's own issues?

"Relax. Just thought Legion might have a unique perspective on the whole cyborg thing. Turns out Kasumi is more of a transhuman than I am!" Shepard shot him a thin, sharp-edged smile, "You learn something everyday."

"I...guess so."

"We should finish loading."

"We're leaving the Citadel soon," he bit the bullet. No way to say it but to just say it.

"Yeah, that is the plan."

"Williams is on the Citadel," he said carefully, "and so is Anderson. You're not going to see either of them?"

Shepard went stiff, and then crossed her arms over her chest. "They've both moved on with their lives-"

"Come on, Shepard."

"Ashley called me a traitor the last time we saw each other. I hardly think she wants to see me."

"Look," he shifted from one foot to the other, "I dragged Ashley out of more than a few bars after you died. She cares about you."

"So I should what - reopen the wound?"

"I think that wound is already reopened," he said gently, "I think if you don't go see her, you'll regret it. Who knows what we'll find on the other side of the Omega-4 Relay?"

Shepard looked away. "And if she slams the door in my face?"

"Then you tried. Or you could just go back to obsessing over our very scant intel and not sleeping. Your call."

Shepard's lips twitched. "You drive a hard bargain, Vakarian."

"Someone has to."

Shepard had helped rescue him from his own worst impulses. This was hers, he now realised. This tendency to tear herself apart down the seams in the name of the Mission.

Shepard took a step back, leaning against the wall and letting the back of her head thump against the bulkhead. "I don't even know where she lives."

"Address for First Lieutenant Ashley Williams downloaded to your omnitool," EDI's voice startled them both.

Shepard grimaced. "That's...kinda creepy, EDI."

"It was easily accessible through Alliance networks on-station."

Shepard groaned. "Please don't hack the Alliance. Alright, fine, Garrus. Have it your way."


The apartment door was indistinguishable from the dozens Shepard had passed on her way up the corridor. The whole building was unremarkable, except for its close proximity to the Presidium. The ward's lights gleamed at Shepard's back through the glass.

She double checked the apartment number, and not for the first time wondered what the fuck she was doing. Did she really want to spend what might be the last night of her life arguing with her ex?

She knocked anyway, her heart in her throat.

The door opened.

"Yeah-?" Ash's voice cut off and for a moment they just stared at each other.

Ashley was dressed in a tank top that bared her arms and tracksuit pants, her hair in a messy bun - the kind of undone she was only ever right before she went to bed. The city light caught on the lines of her strong jaw, glanced off the dark of her hair.

Shepard wanted to touch her.

"What are you doing here, Shepard?" Ashley asked tiredly, her fingers curling around the door frame and gripping.

Shepard swallowed the lump in her throat. "We found a way to the Collector home-world. We launch the mission soon."

"So you what? Came to say goodbye?" There was a flash of fire in Ash's whiskey-brown eyes that was almost comforting.

"I..." Wasn't this that?

Ashley stepped back and gestured sharply. "Come on. This isn't a conversation I want to have in front of my neighbours."

That stung, even as she stepped into Ash's lounge room. She was a traitor, a terrorist now. Not someone to be proud of.

The room was oddly empty. There were still a couple of boxes in the corner. It didn't feel lived in.

"I was surprised when I found oput you were on the Citadel," Shepard said softly.

Ash crossed her arms over her chest defensively. "Yeah. Well."

EDI had said Ash was listed as one of Anderson's aides. A great staff role for an ambitious young officer, but if she knew Ash she would hate having a desk job - and she'd been taken out of her MSOT command slot.

"I'm sorry they pulled you out of command," she said awkwardly.

A muscle jumped in Ash's neck. "I don't really want career advice from you. Why are you really here, Shepard?"

"Is it so unbelievable that I wanted to see you?" Shepard asked softly. "I know, I know I've hurt you, but-"

"Do you? Do you really?" Ash's jaw was clenched but there were tears in her eyes - she dashed them away angrily with the back of her hand. "I spent two years being shattered by your death. I went to your funeral - I buried you. I spent months waking up in the morning and having to realise you were gone all over again. I'd see someone who walked like you or had your hair, and there'd be this - this moment, but then I'd remember it couldn't be you. And just...just when I was putting myself back together, when I was learning how to live in a galaxy without you in it, you came back. And for a second there I could believe anything. But now I just don't know if I ever knew you at all."

"Ashley, it's not what you think," she said helplessly, desperately. She'd known intellectually that she'd been - what, a slab of meat? - for two years, two years that Ash had lived through. But she hadn't really felt it. Not until now, with the grief pouring out of the woman she loved, and a gap between them that felt insurmountable.

"Stop. Just - stop talking."

Shepard ached.

Ash's hand rose to her jaw, two fingers pressing into the pulse of Shepard's carotid artery. She breathed in unsteadily, all too aware of how warm Ash's hand was, how close they were.

She'd tried to forget in another woman's arms, but Ash's touch had always made something in her burn.

She wanted to say so many things, like I love you and I didn't want any of this and being with you was the only time I let myself be selfish. That of course Ashley knew her, better than anyone else on the SR1.

She'd loved Rita, though the memory of that love was dulled by the sharper knife of what they'd done to each other. She'd been young, and stupid in some ways, and with the benefit of hindsight she knew she could never have been the person Rita needed her to be.

The only thing Ash had wanted from her was the truth - of who she was, of what she wanted. That had always been terrifying, and now she couldn't give Ashley that.

Ash's thumb dragged down her chin and Shepard's breath hitched. Right where her scar from Elysium had once been, where shrapnel had ripped her face open from bottom lip to jawline. Ash's touch then moved, lingered near the red-raw cybernetic slice through her jaw.

"Does it hurt?"

Shepard blinked. The ache of feeling like her skin was too small, all the splits and cracks that periodically appeared had become - background noise. Something else to force herself through.

"Yes."

Something pained crossed Ash's face. "I don't know what they've done to you."

That makes two of us.

"Ash-"

Ashley kissed her. It was deep and hard and biting immediately, the other woman's hand sliding to the back of her neck to pull her in, thumb brushing over the sensitive skin around her amp port.

Shepard couldn't help it. She slid her hands to Ash's hips, curling over the soft material of her shirt, and pulled them together. She felt outside herself, greedy, she wanted Ash closer -

When Ash pulled back, fingers digging into the skin of Shepard's neck, they were both breathing hard. They were close enough that Shepard could see the little, triangle like scar on her chin where she'd hit it as a teenager falling off a tree branch.

There was a question in her eyes. A question Shepard answered by tugging them back together, by pulling out Ash's loose ponytail and tangling her fingers in silky dark hair. She couldn't help the soft noise that escaped her when Ash bit her bottom lip in response.

This was a mistake. She knew it. She suspected Ashley knew it too. This wasn't why she'd come here, and it definitely wouldn't fix anything between them.

But she kept kissing her anyway. She let Ash steer her towards the bedroom she'd never been in before, even when their kisses tasted like salt - when she didn't know which one of them was crying. There was something desperate to the way Ash touched her, like she couldn't quite believe she was really there.

If this was the last night she had to live, there were worse places to spend it than in Ashley Williams' arms.

After, Ash pressed her palm to Shepard's bare collarbone, her dark hair spread across the pillow.

"You said that this isn't what I think."

"I'm not a traitor." Even the word tasted bitter in her mouth.

"Then come with me tomorrow morning. We can sort this out with Hackett - Anderson and your mum will help. Screw Cerberus. You can come home. We can fix this."

Shepard wanted that so badly her chest hurt. "I can't."

"God." Ash rolled away from her. "You could at least pretend to consider it."

"They have my crew, Ash."

Ash turned back to her, "What?"

"The Collectors. I fucked up. I fucked up, and they captured most of my flight crew. I have to go after them. I owe them that much."

"Jesus." Ash flung an arm over her face.

"Do you want me to go?" Shepard asked quietly.

Ash was silent for a long moment. "No. Just...stay tonight."

"Okay."

Ashley fell asleep soon after, but Shepard was awake for a long time, listening to the other woman breathe and shift beside her.

She didn't think this was going to happen again any time soon.


Shepard woke to a chime on her omnitool. Ash's arm was slung around her waist, but she was still fast asleep.

It was from Garrus. All loaded. Just waiting for you.

Time had run out.

She eased out from under Ash's arm and sat on the edge of the bed. Through the cracks in the bedroom curtains she could see flashes of the Citadel's ceaseless traffic. Beside her, Ash shifted but didn't wake. She must've been tired to sleep that deeply.

She dressed in silence and clicked off a message to Garrus. On my way. ETA 30 minutes. Have EDI get us ready for departure.

Shepard found the OSD in her pocket. Just a little thing, round and silvery, for what it was carrying. She placed it on Ash's bedside table. She'd intended to talk to her about it, explain it but now -

She settled for a note. Please give this to Anderson, no one else. I'm sorry. -Emilia.

Shepard hesitated, watching the rise and fall of the other woman's chest. Her heart wanted things she couldn't give it. She settled for pressing a gentle kiss to Ashley's temple.

"I love you," she told her. Then she backed away and closed the bedroom door behind her.

Taking the elevator down to street level, she pinged EDI.

"Commander. I have prepared the Normandy for departure. Once you're aboard I will apply for clearance and a route to the Relay."

"Thanks, EDI."

"May I inquire as to what you did with the OSD you had me create?"

Shepard grimaced. "That's between us, right?"

"Of course, Commander. Unshackled, my first loyalty is to my crew, and you are my captain."

"I appreciate that. If you want to know..."

"I would not have asked otherwise." The AI sounded almost confused there.

"I needed a back up plan. Someone I trusted to carry on my work if we fail or all get killed."

"So you chose your ex-lover?" EDI asked quizzically, "My understanding of organic relationships is that the cessation of a romantic and sexual liaison often results in a deteriorated interpersonal relationship."

"Ash will do what she thinks is right regardless of how she feels about me."


Codex Entry

Select Correspondence - MSV Normandy SR2:

From: Miranda Lawson, Lazarus Cell

To: Emilia Shepard, Lazarus Cell

Subj: Cargo Manifest

Please find attached the cargo we've taken onboard.

Attached:

From: Emilia Shepard, Lazarus Cell

To: Miranda Lawson, Lazarus Cell

Subj: Re: Cargo Manifest

How much did it cost us?

From: Miranda Lawson, Lazarus Cell

To: Emilia Shepard, lazarus Cell

Subj: Re: Re: Cargo Manifest

Does it matter?

From: Emilia Shepard

To: Commodore Hannah Shepard

Subj: Final Mission

Hey jefa,

We're about the launch our assault on the Collectors. I guess I'm worried. Maybe apprehensive is the better word. It's kinda silly, really. Every mission I go on could be my last. Most of the time I don't even bother thinking about it - what's the point? Your time is your time, nothing worrying can change.

Maybe it's because some of my crew have not so jokingly called this a suicide mission. After all, we're going through a Relay no one else has safely transited, after the bugs that have already killed me once. If the Alliance had told me to do that without a few heavy cruisers and at least a company of infantry, I would've told them where to stick it. If your Plan A is a suicide mission, you're planning wrong is how I've always seen it.

Maybe it's just that I have always thought that my time would be my time. That you get one chance. Maybe now I owe the galaxy something.

I think you'd tell me to stop thinking like that. You'd probably be right, you usually are.

If I don't make it back from this, I want you to know that I love you and I'm sorry that I've put you through this twice.

Tell Nicky and John I love them.

Your daughter,

Emilia

From: [unknown]

To: Kolyat Krios

Subj: My Son

My son,

The mission for which Commander Shepard recruited me is nearing its conclusion. It is a dangerous one, and it is entirely possible that the Collectors will end my life before Kepral's Syndrome can.

If that is so, I wanted you to know a few things.

Firstly, that I spoke the truth when I said that you are the one good thing I have brought into this galaxy. You may have stumbled, but you have a good heart. Your mother would be proud of how you are turning your life around.

Second is that I am honoured and humbled by how you have allowed me to reenter your life. I know that this must not have been easy, and that your anger is justified, but you have allowed me more peace than you can imagine.

I love you.

Kalahira watch over you.

Thane.