Chapter 42 – Whenever You're Ready

One of the midwives had taken the twins only an hour or so ago for deeper tests, granting her wishes of keeping them in the same cot with a warm smile, but that smile did nothing for the nerves that'd set in and lasted for the duration of the tests. Unable to shake the sensation of being utterly alone for the first time in months, Sakura had done all she could to brush off the sickening feeling or at the very least keep herself distracted.

The pain and the bleeding was far worse than the forums depicted it was, so she all but pampered herself in the private bathroom of her suite, comforted when Itachi sat on the closed toilet seat and kept her company, because holy shit she felt empty and the feeling was terrifying and–

No, Sakura warned herself at the pang of anxiety in her chest. Her regular midwife had already warned her of being absolutely vulnerable in every possible way following labour, and that it was imperative she took care of herself and asked for help when she needed it.

Everything hurt viciously, although somehow she'd been spared from any tears – with the way the first midwife during labour had spoken, Sakura had been so certain that her vagina's destruction was inevitable. Fortunately, because she sincerely had no idea how she would cope with such agony, that was not the case.

"Sakura."

Sighing at the weight in his voice, she glanced through the gap in the curtain at her boyfriend, unable to ignore the swell of sadness at the look on his face. She'd been waiting for him to bring up what'd happened, knowing that pushing wasn't the way forward.

He'd struggled throughout the labour, seemingly getting lost in his thoughts to the extent where the midwives had to work around him, because he just wasn't there. Witnessing it (and pairing it with Sasuke's continuous worried glances in his direction) would have frightened her, had she not been in a world of pain.

"I'm sorry," he tried, voice losing any strength it may have possessed. Hearing such vulnerability from him broke her heart and in response, she felt tears welling up, chest constricting. And then he tried again, breathing shaky and she was so very glad for the shower curtain that hid her natural response to his pain. "I'm sorry."

It wasn't his fault but telling him that was about as useful as slapping a measly band-aid over a gash that required stitches.

"What happened?" she asked instead, hoping the struggle to remain composed wasn't too obvious.

Getting to where they were in terms of communication hadn't been the easiest task, and it was still shaky at best, but Sakura was incredibly grateful for how hard Itachi tried to share his pain with her. She understood there were probably some parts of his life she simply would never know about, if not for his shame of committing such crimes, then his shame of having those things done to him. And her getting emotional about it all certainly didn't help matters, as it always took her boyfriend down the path of, "I should have kept it to myself to spare her the pain of knowing".

Quickly finishing with washing, Sakura appreciated the way Itachi turned and granted her the privacy to shimmy into a pair of unflattering, high-waisted underwear, the post-labour pad she'd been supplied with thick and embarrassingly obvious. Thankfully to combat that, Ino had packed plenty of baggy nightshirts that fell to mid-thigh, keeping everything covered while simultaneously not causing any pressure on her aching, empty belly. Clearly the blonde had done as much research as Sakura had, not that she should have expected any different.

"I don't know," he answered quietly. "It felt as though I was back there."

She could guess where and the thought made her heart hurt far worse than the state her weakened body was in.

Without pause or a care for the fact her hair was dripping wet, Sakura approached Itachi and wrapped her arms securely around his waist, dropping to her knees and head falling to his back with a gentle thump.

"We all forgive you," she told him resolutely, violently shoving any doubts in his mind away.

"Sakura, you need to get up. Your body–"

"This is nothing," Sakura interrupted swiftly and with a small smile, despite him being unable to see it. Ignoring the pains was easy when facing Itachi's problems, because she downright refused to falter in the face of them. "Let me be here for you, Itachi."

A reluctant sigh reached her a second before gentle hands pried hers from around him, and Sakura was unable to resist when Itachi helped her to her feet, holding onto her tenderly.

Whether he did it knowingly or not, since giving birth, he'd looked at her differently, with a hint of awe and admiration mixing with the ever present love he usually expressed, unaware of the fact that it made her heart and stomach flutter wonderfully in response.

"Only on the condition that you don't overexert yourself."

Rolling her eyes and secretly calling him an idiot (because like hell she would ever give up being there for him), Sakura smiled tiredly, leaning into the palm that cupped her cheek.

"How can I make it up to you?"

The urge to demand he attend therapy sessions was powerful, but ultimately pointless, she thought after a moment or two of thinking it over. Anyone could go to therapy, after all, but not everyone was guaranteed to benefit from it – Itachi had tried before and she hadn't seen so much as a hint of difference in his mentality. If anything, he came away from the whole experience drained from having to relive the memories that haunted him, the healthy coping mechanisms lacking in power.

"By taking care of yourself," Sakura responded earnestly.

His gaze softened, a small smile easing the knot in her stomach. "I promise I will take care of myself." Then, he tipped his chin in the direction of her room, saying, "You should go and rest. You must be exhausted."

Her head fell back as she groaned, and Sakura made sure their fingers entwined when she turned to lead the way. "Exhausted doesn't even cover it."


Somehow, she'd dozed off before the return of their babies, but Sakura didn't complain when she awoke to them by her side because the sight of her family together demolished any negativity within her.

Exhausted, Sakura could barely keep her eyes open to admire the sight of Itachi keeping their babies close to his heart, eyes undeniably warm and filled with love for them both. And although she was beyond tired by that point, she knew she wasn't hallucinating or misreading the easiness of his body language or misunderstanding how relaxed he was now that they were there in his arms.

She'd seen how their daughter's cries helped ground him – a response that soothed Sakura more than she could even describe. Witnessing how fiercely he fought through the trauma in his mind, how merely hearing their child broke through said trauma in a way even Sakura could not, ensured her their children would always be safe by his side, no matter what he was going through mentally.

Swallowing to soothe her dry throat, she murmured softly so not to startle him, "Do you want to try skin-to-skin contact?"

It was a big ask, and Sakura double checked the door to make sure it was shut. They had a lock on it, but on the off chance anything happened, she was against locking it. However, she did have a curtain that was able to shield her bed that they could use. To cover up Itachi's scars, she would lie and say simply that it was for her benefit, as she was concerned about somebody walking in and seeing her shirtless.

He met her eyes, his slightly wider than usual. "I…"

Ignoring the discomfort when she moved, Sakura shuffled up the bed, glad that it was already reclined up somewhat to help her. "You don't have to, it's just…" Smiling, she looked to their children, unable to ignore the love swelling in her heart. "They love you, Itachi. Like me, they will never judge you for what you've gone through."

She wasn't surprised or disappointed at the shaking of his head, for it was only to be expecting. However, she was pleasantly surprised when he promised them both, "One day."

Reaching out the moment their son began fussing, Sakura awkwardly angled her arms, biting her lip worriedly because Gods, they were both so tiny. One wrong move and–

Stop it. Stay strong.

It was with ease that she unbuttoned her nightshirt to expose her breast, but with difficulty that she tried to get him to latch on, her brows furrowing more deeply the longer it took. But then that uncomfortable feeling that felt as though it ran straight through her entire chest began, and she heard the quiet sounds of him drinking.

"Is he on?" questioned Itachi, politely averting his eyes and making her smile.

"You can look. It's okay," she assured him.

He did so after a moment, dark eyes softening as they took in the sight of them together.

"What did the doctor say?" asked Sakura to distract herself. It seemed the longer she breastfed, the more comfortable it became – unless she was merely acclimating to the pain? Was she supposed to ask about that? "How long have they been back for?"

"The midwife returned them only a couple of minutes before you woke up and said the doctor will visit us shortly."

Well, that sounded slightly ominous, she thought while warily securing her hold further on her son. And knowing that her boyfriend was capable of reading between the lines as well as another's body language, she asked quietly, "Did it seem bad?"

His sigh did nothing to ease her quickly escalating anxiety, but his words did ever so slightly as he answered, "If it was serious, they would not have handed them back to us like this, rather they would be incubated."

That was true, Sakura repeated many times in her mind, free hand cradling the back of her son's head as her own dropped to the pillow. She had to work hard to regulate her breathing, wary of causing any harm or passing on her anxiety somehow to her son. According to the midwives, babies were susceptible to everything going on around them, and she refused to impact them negatively.

"If you look closely," Itachi continued, his voice soothing to her nerves. "Their skin has a yellow hue to it."

"Jaundice?"

"It seems so," he murmured.

Interrupted from saying more, they both looked to the door and after her say so, the doctor entered with a warm smile. Part of Sakura was surprised she was still on shift, but one glance at the clock informed her it'd only been four hours since giving birth. The poor doctor had at least another fifteen to eighteen hours before she could clock off, since Sakura knew from her time in the hospital that they often ran on twenty-four hour shifts. Part of her wondered if she would ever be capable of such work.

She was no longer in the scrubs she'd worn during her labour (understandably, as Sakura was aware she'd bled), and had cleaned up astonishingly, like she'd never been a part of the messiest time of Sakura's life for even a fraction of a second.

"You look as though you're doing remarkably well, Sakura-san," the doctor, Kamiko, told her, looking at their family with warm eyes. "How are you feeling?"

"Anxious," she admitted quietly, too tired to hedge. Glancing to the clock, she noted only five minutes had passed since her son started feeding, and he didn't look as though he was ready to let up any time soon. "What did the tests show?"

A sigh was the only indication of Kamiko's tiredness and Sakura watched with a frown as the woman shut the door behind herself, entering fully while also keeping her distance, remaining respectful and understanding of boundaries. She appreciated that.

"As we discussed prior to the birth, there are an array of complications that come from premature birth," Kamiko began, looking between them to show it wasn't only Sakura she was speaking with – an act she knew her boyfriend was grateful for. "First, to try and keep us from getting mixed up, I'd just like to ask: have you decided on names?"

Gods, that question filled Sakura with a sickening dread as her anxious, exhausted mind jumped to conclusions, telling her that the doctor wanted to know names because something terrible was coming their way.

With their daughter remaining tucked up in his left arm, Itachi reached out to her, silently offering his strength to her to try and quiet the anxiety.

"Aina for our daughter," she answered after several moments. "And Minori for our son."

"Beautiful choices," she praised.

Sakura nodded her okay when Itachi carefully placed their daughter on her chest as she began to fuss, assisting her in finding the best, most comfortable position. Much to her gratefulness, Kamiko averted her gaze as he exposed her other breast for Aina, waiting until she was latched on before moving away. And despite having been feeding Minori for the past ten minutes, the odd, uncomfortable sensation had her swallowing, brows puckering.

"The results?" Itachi pushed gently.

Nodding, Kamiko plucked the file from under her armpit, holding it between them and opening it. "Despite being so early, they're both doing surprisingly well," she informed them with a proud smile. "However, there are a few complications that we noted. Both babies are anaemic and are suffering from jaundice."

She knew enough about both complications to know what could happen to a person – or baby – experiencing either, but she was unsure as to what would happen to someone with both. Did they contradict one another? Did they grow significantly worse because of the other? Were her babies at a major risk? Why couldn't she find her voice to ask such important questions?

"As we can all see here, they're having no problems with feeding, which is a great sign. So far, it's contained to one definite symptom and two smaller, barely noticeable symptoms – ones we can prevent from developing further by promptly treating them with phototherapy."

The thought of her babies being incubated and surrounded by bright lights was daunting, but she knew it was for the greater good, as they couldn't allow their bilirubin levels to grow. So, part of Sakura relaxed, though she knew not to entirely let her guards down and if she wasn't mistaken by the tension in her boyfriend's shoulders, Itachi was thinking along the same lines.

"We need to do further checks to ensure their kidneys are fully operational, but so far, they're looking good." She nodded to show she was listening, despite her eyes being drawn to the babies as they continued to feed. Their white hats covered the tiny amount of dark hair they both had and part of her longed to touch it once more, as she had when they were first born. "We do recommend that you lower your salt intake if you plan to continue breastfeeding, Sakura-san. Just to play it safe."

Again, she nodded. It felt like her mind was trying so damn hard to zone out, to not listen too much. Sakura fought hard to fight it, anchoring herself to the moment through her family.

"Aina-chan seems to have developed a minor infection during the birth," she said gently, much to their horror and Sakura looked down at her daughter, cautiously shifting her arm further around her. "That does mean we will have to insert an intravenous line to fight it."

They were… They were going to insert an IV needle into her tiny, fragile baby…?

Even though she'd started after Minori, Aina unlatched herself and Sakura frowned worriedly, trying so very hard to fight the tears threatening to fill her eyes as she refused to latch on once more.

"That's normal for a baby with jaundice and an infection," Kamiko assured her quietly.

Perhaps, but it didn't make it any less terrifying for her.

"So far, they are the only complications they have – a miracle, really, considering how early they both are." The words did nothing to comfort her, even while knowing it was true. Many premature babies suffered with brain, heart and lung conditions. "But we will conduct further tests to ensure we don't miss anything."

A soft knock on the door caused her anxiety to spike and it only continued to grow when the midwife was granted entry, accompanied by a second cot. The mere sight of it ended the battle against her tears and Sakura looked helplessly to Itachi, heels planting into the hospital bed to try and move herself, keeping both babies as close as possible.

"I said I wanted them to stay together," she snapped without truly meaning to.

"I'm sorry, Sakura-san, but this is necessary due to Aina-chan's IV. We can't risk it being disturbed–"

"But they've never been alone," Sakura stressed.

"Sakura," Itachi called out to her, the hand on her shoulder squeezing comfortingly. "It won't be for long."

Kamiko nodded in agreement, but she didn't care to look at either of them. All she could see was the huge plastic cot that was much too big for her babies to be in alone. "The moment Aina-chan's infection has cleared up, we will work on placing them both in the same incubator, as long as it is safe for them."

She was right. Gods, she was right. But Sakura couldn't help but feel at a total loss, because she knew how cold she felt when they were simply gone for their tests and now, they wanted her to put her babies through that same experience? They'd always been together, always. And how were they ever supposed to understand why they suddenly weren't? How could they possibly understand that cold bite of loneliness while trapped in their separate incubators?

"What if they get scared?" she pleaded weakly, knowing in her heart it did nothing more than prolong the inevitable. "How will they comfort each other?"

Empathy shone brightly in Kamiko's eyes. "They will never be alone or left to cry in the NICU, Sakura-san."

"P-Promise?"

"I swear," she vowed fiercely, hand coming to her shoulder. "You can both visit as many times as you like, too. Just please, take care of yourselves also."

Although she knew they were in good hands, that they were safe, Sakura shook horrifically when Aina and Minori were taken in separate cots and those tremors worsened when she heard the beginnings of a cry from one of them. Not even Itachi's understanding embrace eased her sobs and no amount of clinging to him strengthened her resolve. Of course, part of her knew it was the hormones rushing through her and heightening her emotions and creating mood swings, but she simply… She couldn't rationalise in that moment, not when her babies were alone and going through treatments without each other's company at the very least.

"They will be okay," Itachi whispered once she was all cried out. At some point during the emotional breakdown, he'd joined her on the bed, allowing her to cry into his chest. "We know we can trust Kamiko-sensei."

Yes, they could. But Kamiko had other patients to help and couldn't be there every moment of every day, could she? And Sakura knew vaguely how long the phototherapy treatments lasted – up to a week, in some cases.

What if they were left to cry it out in her absence? What if somebody missed one of their feedings? Oh Gods, did that mean she couldn't even breastfeed anymore? Yeah, it was uncomfortable and she'd yet to get used to it, but it made her feel undeniably closer to them both.

"D-Did Ino pack the breast pump?" she asked croakily, wiping at her face as she pulled away.

If she couldn't be of use to her babies during their treatments, then at the very least, she would make sure they had plenty of milk. Already, Minori seemed a glutton and disliked being removed from his supply, so Sakura planned in her mind to have extra put aside, to make sure neither went without.

It was the one thing she could do for them.

"It's right here," Itachi assured her while standing. Heading over to her chest of drawers, he retrieved it from the first one, the box opened only once so that they could sterilise the equipment. "There are plenty of bags, also."

Did he understand her helplessness? Could he read that she needed to do something for them, even something as simple as building up a stash of milk? Much to her happiness, he could, and Sakura shut her eyes, pausing in putting together her pump and smiling faintly when Itachi kissed her forehead, his hand running through her hair once.

"I'm going to get you some food. You need to be well nourished for them."

She smiled more widely, grateful for his support. "Can you grab plenty of water, too?"

"Of course."

"Itachi…" she tried just as he turned away, only to lose her voice when he looked back at her. Eventually, she managed to whisper with an unsteady, emotional voice, "I love you."

His eyes warmed. "I love you."


She officially had nothing left to give, and Sakura fell back against the reclined section of her bed, chomping down on the last of the meal she'd picked at while pumping. It was cold now, but she could hardly taste it anyway. Her mind was too lost.

The babies were set up in the NICU and they were given permission to go and visit, though only after they'd eaten and had something to drink, much to her annoyance. It wasn't an actual order, but after hearing the whole "it's in their best interests" how the hell was she supposed to go against it?

It was strange that only an hour ago, she'd been utterly exhausted and unable to keep her eyes opened, never mind focused. Now, however, she had more than enough to spare, allowing her to stand and shimmy into a dressing gown and slippers. As a precaution, she was asked to use a wheelchair, though Sakura didn't really argue for once, instead sitting down obediently and waiting for her boyfriend to take her to their children.

"It can be distressing seeing your babies in an incubator," the midwife leading the way warned them gently, tone full of empathy. "Just try to remember that they are in the best place for them at this moment in time."

Easier said than done, Sakura realised as they entered the NICU, everything else became inconsequential as eyes immediately drawn to her babies and her shoulders shook when Itachi placed a hand on one of them to try and offer her comfort. It was like she couldn't even register the rest of the room.

They looked so tiny and breakable in their incubators, covered in nothing but a nappy and a blindfold to protect their eyes from the bright lights surrounding them. She hoped the blindfolds would keep them from noticing they weren't with one another, but she'd read all about the connection between twins and the anxious voice in her mind hissed that it was impossible for them to not notice.

Ignoring the request for her to remain seated, Sakura stood up and approached them, lips turning downwards at the corners.

"I'm here, guys," she told them quietly, wary of startling them or showing with the shake in her voice that she was emotional. It was a shake that only grew more pronounced at the sight of the IV hooked into her daughter. "Mama's here."

An arm came around her waist and she leaned heavily into Itachi, the urge to apologise to him so powerful that it shook her. Many had assured her their premature births wasn't her fault, but Sakura knew there were many things she'd done wrong during her pregnancy, choices that could have played a part in their current predicament.

She should have been better for them.

She had to do better for them.

"I-I expressed some of my breastmilk," she said aloud to the midwife who lingered in the room, busying herself with checking on notes and equipment. "Will they be able to…?"

The middle aged woman smiled kindly and nodded, saying, "That's wonderful news. Did you write the dates on the pouches?" Sakura nodded, teary eyes returning to her slumbering babies. "I'll store it in the refrigerator for them both now. Keep up the good work, both of you!"

They were in good hands, Sakura repeated mentally. They were safe. Nothing bad could happen to them within the hospital walls and to assure herself of that, she planned on spending every waking moment sat at their bedsides, watching over them herself. Was it healthy? Probably not, but she would do it anyway.

"Here, Sakura," Itachi quietly ordered while pushing a chair closer to her, seemingly just as wary as startling them as she was. "Rest."

The best part about it all was knowing she wasn't alone in her anxieties, that Itachi was there and going to be there every step of the way.

They were going to be okay.