Part III: Sixty-Four


"Good, sip it slowly," Dr. Song said softly, watching Azula swallowing her pills and a mouthful of cold water. She realized for the first time since she'd arrived at the palace that her mouth and throat were parched. She took the doctor's advice, however, sipping the cold water slowly rather than gulping.

"How long until the pills kick in?" she asked with a croak in her voice.

"A day or two. You might experience some ongoing side effects and some mood swings until you level out again, but nothing too extreme. If you keep your stress levels and outside triggers low."

Azula sat back, clutching the glazed cup in her hands. "Not likely to happen right now."

"Understandably, what with everything going on. Would you like to talk about what you experienced? It may help."

She shrugged, staring into the depths of the cup, seeing herself reflected there. She had hastily cleaned up after they had been ushered into the palace, but she hadn't changed or showered and she felt grubby and smelly. The rank scent of the cellar was still on her, along with the lingering acrid tang of the fires raging across Ba Sing Se.

Everything around her felt brittle as glass, or maybe that was just her. She had held it together during the fight in Lord Kun's prison dungeon, somehow. But afterward...

Mai said she loved him.

"I don't think talking about it will help this time," Azula mumbled, remembering the way Sokka had picked Mai up in his arms and carried her out of the rubble. She had followed behind him, too stunned to say anything, part of her worried for Mai, and another part of her...

Another part of her was dying with every step, the words echoing in her ears. Something inside of her had shattered the moment she had realized why Mai and Sokka were here in Ba Sing Se. Together.

"You were held prisoner against your will, Azula, that's a very traumatic experience for anyone, let alone someone with post-traumatic stress disorder. Being off of your meds, even for a few days has complications that will exacerbate things. Please, talk to me."

Azula cocked her head and then looked up at Dr. Song.

"I was scared in there. When we were in those chairs. I couldn't move. Couldn't Firebend, not unless I wanted to melt my brother's face. It felt... It felt like it did in the Green Heart, for a while there. I might have gone mad if Zuko hadn't been there. He kept me calm. When things went from bad to worse, he was there. He didn't let me lose it. If he hadn't been there, I don't know what I would have done."

"He cares about you very much."

She huffed out a breath and looked down at the cup in her hands. "Yeah. I guess he does."

"You seem surprised by that."

"I am. You know our history. We've never exactly been friends, my brother and I. Even when I went undercover with the Smoke Demons, trying to stop them from assassinating him, I had moments where I wasn't so sure that I wouldn't kill him."

"Really?"

Azula shrugged. "No. No, not really. I could never kill him and I think he knows that. Certainly he does now. Alone in that cellar... I feel like I actually got to know him. He didn't see the best side of me, but... But he was there for me. I think he actually cares about me."

"And you care about him?"

"Yeah. He's Zuzu. He's family," she said, rubbing at her nose, which seemed to be running a slightly all of a sudden. She realized she was crying a moment later, and wiped at her face, feeling ashamed. She had no idea why she was crying over something she had already known.

It wasn't her relationship with her brother that was weighing on her though, and she knew that too.

Pain spidered across her heart, shooting down to her toes and back, and emblazoning agony across her mind.

Sokka... I love you...

Her face screwed up tightly, as if that might shut out the words echoing in her ears. No matter what she did, she just kept coming back to that moment. Like a boomerang. She hadn't expected it. Hadn't guessed it. Hadn't been prepared for it.

I was such a fool. I thought when he kissed me it meant something, but it didn't. He's been with her for who knows how long. She's in love with him, and clearly he's in love with her too, and I'm just...

Alone. She was alone.

Again.

Except she wasn't alone. Not in the way that she had been so long ago, before Mai and June had found her in that tavern in the Earth Kingdom. She had Iroh, still unconscious and hurt, but alive. And she had Zuko.

She hadn't been able to get over Sokka. She knew it, as much as she had lied to herself about it the entire time. She'd even tried moving on with Shirong and that hadn't worked. She'd still been dreaming of him while Shirong was in her bed. She'd still felt guilty, and that wasn't right.

And Shirong...

She didn't want to think about Shirong, because all she felt in that direction was anger and betrayal. A part of her realized that Shirong had thought that he was protecting her, and she knew that he had pulled the others out of the fire of the Jasmine Dragon. And afterwards, he had helped that Kyoshi Warrior find the inn where Nobu had been holding them prisoner. He had tried to make it right.

But Azula was not the forgiving type.

It wasn't Shirong that filled her thoughts though. Filled her mind and her heart and body with that agonizing ache.

Sokka.

Just knowing he was here, in the palace, near enough to touch, made her body burn with the hottest fire she could conjure. And it all meant nothing.

Because he had moved on.

He didn't love her any more. She had lost him.

And she only had herself to blame for that.

She shouldn't have been surprised, either. A year was a long time to be apart. She had left him in the Southern Water Tribe, left him with a note and no promise of a future together. She had thought she was doing the best thing for him, for her. She had needed help with her illness. She had nearly lost control again and killed his father. She had been a danger to him.

And a burden.

So she'd left him, for his own good, for his own safety.

But it wasn't just that, she thought miserably. I wasn't ready. I was terrified of loving him. I didn't even know how to love myself, let alone someone else. I thought I didn't deserve it, didn't deserve him. I thought he deserved better. So I left. I left and I tried to get over him, but I couldn't.

Shirong had been a distraction. She had liked him, but she hadn't loved him, not like she loved Sokka.

Still loved Sokka.

"You look sad," Dr. Song said, calling her out of her thoughts. She realized she had been drifting a little, staring into her mug of water.

"I am," she said, surprising herself. She looked up and met the doctor's eyes. "I think I lost the love of my life. And it's my fault."

"Is it Sokka?" When she nodded, Dr. Song said, "I'm here to listen. Tell me what's troubling you."

"He's here. He was involved with... With the men who took us. I don't know everything yet. It's all kind of complicated, but he was undercover, and they took him from Republic City. He found out Zuko and I were being held prisoner and he came up with a plan to get us out. He showed up at the cell door and..."

"And what?"

"He kissed me."

"I see. Go on."

"I thought it meant something, but then... I found out..." She could feel her dry throat closing, tears cresting in her eyes. "My friend Mai was working with him. She was involved. They're involved. She was hurt and... I lost him and... Oh, Spirits, I lost him! I can't... I can't breathe..."

She realized the panic attack she and Zuko had managed to stave off in the cell and then in the street before the fight was coming back on her like a speeding train. And there would be no stopping it now.

She sucked in huge lungfuls of air, but it didn't seem to help. She stopped breathing then, and Dr. Song took her hands, coaxing her through it. But she was lost in the pain. Lost. Never to be found.

Just like she had lost Sokka.

She found herself in the doctor's arms, sobbing uncontrollably. She sat like that for what felt like hours before the world filtered back to her in little bits and pieces. She felt raw and broken open, like something in her, some secret part of her that she had kept locked up tightly, safe and secure, had been violated, ripped apart, torn asunder.

She had lost him.

And nothing would ever be the same again.


Sokka snorted himself awake, startling into lifting his head off of his chest. He groaned immediately, uncrossing his arms and grabbing at the stiff crick in his neck. The moment he did, all of his muscles protested. It wasn't that he had been sleeping in a chair most of the night, either.

Chen had put the hurt on him. No doubt about that. He knew without looking that the bruises on his body were turning black and purple and blue, where they weren't outright bloody contusions. The Earth King's doctors had put healing poultices on them, but they had itched and smelled so he'd taken them off last night.

Now he was paying the price, as he lifted the borrowed shirt, and took a look at his stomach. He took a breath, flexing the muscles of his stomach, but then regretted it. Everything hurt.

At least nothing was broken, so far as the healers had been able to tell.

Nobu hadn't gotten off so lucky, but Nobu was no longer his problem. The Earth King had guards on him and he was chained to a bed in another part of the palace complex. There was no way he was going to get free. Not until they'd gotten information out of him.

After that, Nobu would pay for his crimes. Sokka was just tired enough not to care about that at the moment, though when he looked up at Mai's pale face, he felt a pang in his stomach. It was not a nice feeling, and he didn't honestly know what it meant, other than he was almost angry that Nobu had survived.

At least Nobu had saved Mai's life. If the table he'd been strapped to hadn't protected them both, they would have been crushed by the ceiling. Of course, it looked as if Mai had been trying to save Nobu's life when the collapse occurred and that made bitterness well in his mouth.

He didn't like the feeling. He knew it was jealousy, but what kind?

Seeing Mai in that rubble, passed out in his arms, it had launched an entire avalanche of confusing thoughts and emotions in his head.

She said she loved me, Sokka thought, and not for the first time. Mai loved him.

It was nothing he hadn't suspected before this. He'd known, hadn't he, for a long time that Mai's feelings for him were something more than just friendship and sex. He'd tried to tell himself otherwise, or ignore it because he hadn't known what to feel or what to do about it.

Seeing her with Nobu had confused him. He had been jealous, certainly. Still was, if he let himself think of what probably happened between the two of them in that inn. What exactly was their relationship? Did Mai love Nobu too? Nobu certainly loved her.

Sokka felt sick, as he stared at Mai's sleeping face. She would wake up soon. The doctors were sure of it. She had a few broken ribs from when Chen had tossed her into the crates, and she'd hit her head too, either then or when the ceiling came down. She would wake up though.

And then he'd have to talk to her.

But what would he say? How did he even feel about her?

She loved him and he... He wasn't sure how he felt and that made everything so much worse. He cared about her, he knew that. Even when he'd known she had feelings for him, he hadn't wanted to stop sleeping with her. Was that because he had feelings for her too, or because he had been lonely, and sex had filled a void?

Just once, I'd like to have a not-complicated relationship with a woman, he thought to himself, rolling his aching neck to loosen the tight muscles.

And that thought brought him right back to the place his tired mind had wanted to go the entire time.

Azula.

Azula had heard what Mai had said. She knew, or at least suspected, that he and Mai had been in a relationship, though they'd never defined it as such. What was she thinking? What was she assuming? And did she even care? He wasn't sure.

He'd kissed Azula in that cellar. He hadn't been able to stop himself. Just seeing her again had made his heart soar, his soul crying out for the one thing he had wanted since she had left in that airship a year ago. He realized that he had been hoping to rekindle something between them, hoping that she had felt the same thing he'd felt in that too-brief kiss.

But what if he had lost her? Really lost her?

He'd kissed her, but that didn't mean she wanted him back. She had left, hadn't she? She didn't need him. What if she didn't love him? She'd been avoiding him since they'd come back to the palace. And he'd been hiding in Mai's room, afraid to find out the truth. Afraid that it really was over, that he could never go back.

Maybe they couldn't. Maybe too much had changed.

Then why do I want to find her and kiss her again? And never stop?

He glanced at Mai and then down at the floor again. Guilt sparked in his stomach.

Should he pin all of his hopes on someone who had left him before and had probably moved on? Or on the woman in front of him? Mai loved him. He'd be a fool to walk away from that, even if he still wasn't sure how he felt about her. He felt something for her. He knew that he did, but... But was it enough?

"Fuck," Sokka breathed, leaning forward, elbows on his sore legs. He looked down at the floor, rolling his neck and working his shoulders up and down. "I kind of wish Chen had killed me."

"You'd be prettier if he had," a soft voice said. Sokka's head shot up and he found himself staring into Mai's tired eyes.


"She refused the tea," Luzhuo said, stepping into Guo's office and closing the door.

"She's smarter than that pretty face would lead you to believe," Guo said in reply, not looking away from the fire burning before him. He was seated in a high-backed chair, and the Grand Sage could see worn lines around his mouth and eyes that had not been there before the botched assassination attempt on his life.

An assassination attempt that Guo himself had ordered. The assassin had nearly killed him, having missed the shoulder she should have stabbed him instead. Luzhuo cursed the woman's bad aim; she had nearly gotten rid of the man for him. He was glad she was dead, at the very least.

Staring at Guo, Luzhuo felt hatred roll through him. Guo had too much on him, evidence of his crimes. He could ruin Luzhuo with one word, and he knew it. He didn't dare go against him.

Guo was powerful. A spider in the shadows.

Luzhuo had always distrusted shadows. They were both lover and enemy to men like himself and the Councilman, who did terrible deeds in those shadows. Guo was the better spider, and Luzhuo hated him for the web he'd fallen into.

Even with the Stewardship in his grasp, Guo could still manipulate him and he hated that even more.

"She'll be on the alert for another attempt on the child. We can't get rid of it that way."

"Perhaps you'll cut it out?"

"If it comes to that," Luzhuo said softly, and felt some dark and sticky part of him fill up with want and delight at the thought of it. Guo wasn't looking at him, still staring into the fire. A disgusted look came over his face nonetheless. "She cannot give birth to his bastard."

"She won't," Guo said assuredly. "The date for the trial had been set. She will face justice for her crimes."

"She'll fight the charges."

"Of course she will. And she still has allies in this palace. That idiot Lio, the Kyoshi Warrior you can't seem to find, her healer. And Piandao."

Hatred seethed in him at the mention of the ex-Councilor's name. Dismissing him earlier that day had given him a thrill he was still tingling from. It had felt almost as good as ordering the hit on his life. Almost.

"Piandao will not be a problem. I've taken care of it."

"Have you? Without my permission?"

"I didn't need—"

"I have a role for Piandao to play in all of this. If I had wanted him dead I would have had his head by now. I know everything Piandao and that Kyoshi Warrior have been doing and where they are."

"You have? You know where that little bitch has been this entire time? While I've been combing the palace looking for her?"

"Of course I have. I have someone watching them."

"Who?"

"That is not your concern. Piandao survived the attempt against him. He'll be arrested shortly. I have need of him. Needs that require him alive."

"He is a traitor!"

"Yes, yes he is..." Guo said softly. "And we must not let the people of the Fire Nation forget that, can we?"

Luzhuo drew himself up, staring at Guo's profile in the firelight. "I hope you have not overreached yourself, Guo. You still have not heard from Nobu."

"I sent the message to Nobu days ago. He knows not to write back. I trust him to do what is needed. He won't fail me."

"What if he does? What if he was caught?"

"Nobu knows what to say if that is the case as well," Guo said, the corners of his lips curling. "If he's caught, then nothing changes. The Fire Lord will come for her, and he will not like what he finds when he does. I will not allow this Nation to fall into ruin, to become less than its full potential. The Fire Lord can be saved, but harsh lessons will have to be learned. He will bend. Or he will break."

"What about the princess? Are you still planning your revenge?"

"Oh yes. I will enjoy what I do to her," Guo said softly. "She will pay for what she did to my Rian."

"Please, let me watch."

"You are a sick man, Grand Sage."

"Call me Steward," he said in a harsh voice.

"Steward... For now."

Luzhuo glared at the Councilman and then turned on his heel and marched out of the room without being dismissed. Guo, he realized, had not looked at him once.