Part III: Sixty-Five


"Mai! You're awake," Sokka said, letting out a breath of relief. He realized how tense he'd been when he did, his shoulders relaxing and his feet landing flat on the ground. "I've been so worried..."

Mai looked up through bruised eyes, glancing at him, then around at the unfamiliar room. "Where am I? Did we...did we win?"

Mai looked confused, as if she were trying to remember the past few days; Sokka certainly understood her confusion. He was having a hard time piecing together what had happened himself. Everything seemed to be a blur, and putting things in order that they'd happened seemed beyond him at the moment.

He felt exhausted, deep down into his bones. He hadn't slept properly in days, and he hardly counted that night he'd spent handcuffed to corpses in that cellar. He wanted nothing more than to crawl into a bed himself and forget the world.

But he couldn't. The Earth King had called a meeting for that morning. He wanted answers for what had happened in his city. Sokka didn't blame him. Ba Sing Se was still burning, and someone had to answer for that.

Unluckily for Nobu, he was the one who had those answers.

"Yeah, we did. I think. We're at the Earth King's palace," he said. "The Master's dead. So is Chen. And Ning. All of the Master's men too. They arrested most of Ning's people too."

"What happened to me? I don't remember..." Mai said softly, frowning a little.

Sokka stilled. "You got hurt. You don't remember what happened after I pulled you out of the wreckage?"

"No? What wreckage? What happened?"

Sokka licked his dry lips and then looked down at his bruised hands. "One of those Earthbenders pulled the ceiling came down on you. And Nobu."

Mai's eyes popped open and she sat up on the bed, her breath catching.

"Is he...?"

Sokka sat up too, taking in a measured breath of his own. "He's alive. Hurt, but alive. They have him in custody. We're going to interrogate him about what he knows. Unless he told you something useful?"

"No... He didn't trust me with his secrets."

"Really?" Sokka said archly. "Because you two seemed pretty close. Surprisingly close."

Mai's eyes closed for a moment.

"He saved my life. He breathed fire on Ning. I remember..." Mai said, running her fingers across her forehead. She winced and stopped; it wasn't hard to see why; half of her face was bruised almost black, edged by purples and blues where Chen had hit her.

"What a hero," Sokka said in a flat voice.

"Don't," Mai said, dropping her hand. "Sokka, please don't. You don't understand..."

"You're right, I don't," Sokka said, leaning forward on his knees. He looked at her hard. "You never told me you were in a relationship. Don't deny it. Watching you two making out in front of me while I couldn't do a damned thing to stop it pretty much said it all."

"I didn't think it mattered," she said, attempting to sit up again. She winced and stopped that too, clutching at her side.

"Don't move, you have broken ribs," Sokka said, moving out of the chair and over to the bed. He perched next to her and took her hand in his. She didn't pull away, looking up at him with confusion on her face. "And clearly, it mattered. Maybe you just hoped I wouldn't find out your ex was a Smoke Demon hellbent on killing me and Azula and doing who knows what else!"

"You don't understand, Sokka..."

"He blew up half of a Ba Sing Se!" Sokka exploded, throwing out a hand toward the window, where the sky was still lit like a glowing orange coal. "He kidnapped Zuko! He hurt Iroh and the Kyoshi Warriors! One of them died! He's a monster!"

"You think I don't know that?" Mai cried. "You think I don't know exactly who and what he is? I know exactly what he's capable of!"

"Why did you hide it?"

"I wasn't hiding it. Sokka, I just... I wasn't lying. Nobu does scare me. He does. He's a monster. I should know. He taught me everything he knew."

"Before or after you slept with him?"

"Stop!" Mai said, tears in her eyes now. "You don't understand! He was different with me, Sokka. He... I was in a bad place. I had to do this alone for two years. Just me against the Smoke Demons. You had Azula that whole time, but not me! I just had him! I was alone and I was scared. One false move and I was dead. He was there, training me...and... And he looked at me like I had roped the sun. He loves me, Sokka. Do you know what that feels like? To know that someone loves you like that? He would have died for me. He saw me, the worst parts of me, and he loved me anyway. And I... I needed that. After Zuko. I was so alone... You just don't understand. I'm always alone!"

Sokka swallowed and glanced at the door, and then back at her. He met her eyes, feeling a soft drop in his stomach, like he'd gone downhill too fast.

"Did you love him?"

"I don't know," she said, and he knew she was telling the truth. "I told myself I didn't, because of what he was. I told myself I was sleeping with him to keep my cover. To play him. Get him to trust me...let his guard down. But the more it went on the more afraid I was that it wasn't a lie. I still don't know. After the Smoke Demons went down, they didn't catch him. So I ran as far away as I could. I was afraid he'd find me and..."

"Hurt you? Or...?"

"He'd never hurt me."

"He dragged you upstairs by your hair!"

"He was angry, but he didn't hurt me."

"He didn't..." His voice caught in his throat for a moment, as he stared at the floor between his feet for a long moment. He didn't want to ask the question on his mind, didn't want to hurt her with it, but he knew that it had been burning in him since he'd seen Nobu dragging her up those stairs. There had been a fear in him that he had tried to ignore. But it had burned there, in the heart of him. "Did he rape you, Mai?"

"No."

Sokka let out a breath, feeling as if he'd been punched in the chest again. He closed his eyes, his hand finding hers. She clung to him and he looked at her, meeting her wet eyes.

"But you slept with him."

Mai grew pale beneath her bruises. "Yes."

"Willingly?"

"Yes," she whispered.

He stared at her, feeling hurt. But not shocked. He'd known she had slept with Nobu, after all. He'd been afraid it hadn't been consensual, but some part of him had known it had been. He'd seen the way Mai had kissed Nobu, and the image still made his guts clench with jealousy. And hurt.

Maybe he didn't deserve to feel that way, but he did.

"Why did you sleep with him?"

"I needed him to trust me. I did what I had to do. Just as you did. We both made hard decisions. We both survived."

"That's not why."

"Maybe I just wanted to?" she said in a hard voice.

"Are you in love with him, Mai?"

Mai looked stunned, her eyes leaving him. She searched the mostly blank wall and then came back to him, as if drawn by a magnet.

"I don't know."

"Are you in love with me?"

He looked at her, hard, and she took in an unsteady breath, clutching her side.

"Why would you ask me that?" she whispered.

"You know why."

"Don't be stupid, Sokka," Mai said, looking away from him. "Just because you and I were fucking doesn't mean we're in love. Sex isn't love."

"So you don't remember what you said when I pulled you from that wreckage?"

Mai's dark eyes flickered with emotion, but that all-too-familiar mask dropped back down over her face the next instant, leaving him on the outside looking in. It was always that way with her. She was rarely vulnerable, rarely let anyone in. He had glimpsed bits and pieces of the real her here and there, the soft parts of her that made something in him crack as well. He had tried to reach out, tried to make a connection, but she had always pulled back.

There were parts of Mai he was sure no one would ever be able to reach. She would never let anyone in. Sadness welled in him as he saw the hurt on her face before she shut it down and showed him her mask again.

Mai had said she loved him, but he knew by that look that she would never admit it. Not to him. Maybe not even to herself.

"Whatever I said... You can just forget it, okay? I didn't mean it."

Sokka took a breath and took her hand in his again. Her hands were slender and clever, but they were not soft hands. They were the hands of a trained assassin. The hands of someone he had come to trust, and care about more than he'd ever guessed.

She was in love with him and she would never admit it. And he... He was as confused as ever.

"Mai, we both know you meant it."

"Don't tell me you think I'm in love with you or something," Mai said with a pained laugh. "I would never be that stupid, Sokka."

"Why would that be stupid?"

"You know why," she said softly, and off his questioning look, she laughed again, her head dropping back against the metal headboard. She looked up at the ceiling, clutching at her ribs again. "Because of her."

Sokka's eyes drifted back to the door and then back to her again. "This isn't about her."

She laughed again, rubbing at her eyes. "Of course it is, Sokka. It's always about her with you. Everything you do is about her."

"No, it's not!"

"Yes, it fucking is! You fell apart after she left you in the South Pole. You can blame it on what happened in Rinchaka Falls all you want, but I know the truth. Everyone does! Your sister, Toph, Aang! They all know! You were heartbroken, pining for her, and you broke down. You pushed everyone away! You drank yourself stupid over her. You're still broken down. That's why you started fucking me, don't deny it."

Something in Mai's fierce expression stilled him. The pain and anger pointed at him was like a punch to the chest again. He stared back, his mouth half-open.

"That's not why I started sleeping with you..."

"Yes, it is. I'm just as fucked up as you are, Sokka, and you could see it. Spirits know I could. That's why I wanted to work with you. Because you understood what it was like to have no one and nothing, and to hate yourself for being that way. We're both miserable, and lost, and alone. You wanted her, and all you had was me. You've been suicidal this whole damned year. Throwing yourself into those fights. Into the Master's bullshit. You were trying to get yourself killed. Fucking me was just one more miserable part of your life."

"And you were doing the same damned thing! How many times did you just disappear and come back covered in bruises? And you wouldn't talk to me! You were just as suicidal!"

"Fine, so we're both fucked up! That doesn't mean you love me, you idiot!"

"I care about you, Mai. I do. When I thought Nobu was going to hurt you... Or the Master when he threatened you, I was angry. I killed the Master for what he did to you. The second before I stabbed him, all I could think about was how he threatened you. I... I care about you."

Mai looked down at her lap again and a tear rolled down her cheek. The next moment that mask of ice he knew only too well came down over her face again. She looked up at him, an expression of pure, iron determination on her face.

"But you don't love me. You're not in love with me, Sokka."

"What if I am?"

"You're not."

"Mai..."

"You may be confused, but I'm not. I've always known what this was between us. It was just sex, and two people who needed each other in a pretty bad time in their lives. It's not that I don't care about you too. I wouldn't have slept with you if I didn't. But it's not more than friendship. It will never be more than that. We both know that. You know it in your heart, Sokka. You are not in love with me, so stop whatever is going through that stupid head of yours."

She was lying.

He knew that she was. He could see the pain in her eyes, could hear the hitch in her words that she was trying to hide. She was making herself say it, making herself believe it, even. But it was a lie.

"It could be more than that, though, Mai," he said, because it was the truth. He felt something for her, he just didn't know what those feelings meant.

He was afraid, if he let her convince him otherwise, he'd walk away and always regret it. What if he did love her and he was too stupid to realize it? What if he lost her just like he lost Azula...

And what if I haven't lost Azula yet? What if I can get her back...

Hope roared in him at that thought, and guilt chased it out. Here he was, sitting here with Mai and all he could think about was Azula... Mai was right. It all came back to Azula. It always did. No matter where he went, no matter what he did, she was always there, in his thoughts, his heart... She was a part of him, dug in like one of Mai's knives.

His head was a jumble of confusing thoughts, half-hopes, and uncertainties. He didn't know what he was feeling, just some vague sense of helplessness in the face of his emotions. He looked away from Mai, spinning about in his thoughts, afraid she was right, and so afraid that she was wrong.

He knew she loved him. He knew it in his bones.

But did he love her?

"Look at me, Sokka," Mai said, and he looked up again, meeting those wet eyes of hers. Wet and determined. She reached out and touched his face. "Are you in love with me?"

He looked at her and then away again. He swallowed. "I have feelings for you, Mai."

"But you don't love me, and you know it. I know you're afraid of hurting me, but you won't. You can't. It's okay. I'm okay. I promise."

"Mai..."

"You don't have to feel guilty. You don't owe me anything. I don't want anything from you, Sokka. I don't need it. We both know who you really love. I know she hurt you, I know she left, and maybe you think she doesn't feel the same way you do anymore, but..."

"What if she doesn't?" he found himself asking, that strange painful hope rising in his chest again. "What if she moved on? A year is a long time."

Mai's eyes were sad, her head cocking to the side a little. She pulled a soft smile, and it broke his heart into pieces. "Why wouldn't she still love you, Sokka? Why would she ever stop? How could she? I know she still loves you. I know she does."

Mai's mask cracked again, and another tear fell down her face. Then another. She didn't look like she could hold them in again. But she did, swallowing audibly, her pale face pinched beneath her bruises.

"Mai..." But he didn't know what to say to her.

Mai was in love with him, but she would never admit it. And he? He knew she was right.

He didn't feel the same way about her. He'd known it all along, felt it in his gut. When he'd first realized how she felt about him, he'd felt nothing but guilt, afraid to hurt her, wondering how to let her down without tearing her to pieces. He cared about her. He was attracted to her.

But it wasn't enough.

Maybe that would be enough, though, in another life; a life where he hadn't fallen in love with Azula. His heart could be free to love Mai the way she deserved. And she did deserve to be loved. She deserved something better than what he could give her. Better than what Nobu could give her.

She deserved to be happy. And all he had left in him was misery. All he could do was hurt her.

There was no other life. There was just this one, and it was full of uncertainty and pain. He knew that he was breaking her heart, but there was nothing he could do. He still loved Azula. Still pined for her. He had kissed her in that cell, been so sure that just seeing each other again would fix things... He had wanted that, STILL wanted that.

He didn't know how Azula felt. He didn't know if he stood any kind of a chance, but he knew he wanted to try.

"You are one hell of a woman, Mai," he said in her ear, putting his arms around her.

She let out a soft sound, and clutched at his shirt for a long moment. Then she pulled back and for a moment, he saw the pain in her eyes.

"And you're a drunk."

"I know. You are too."

"Yeah. Yeah, I know," she said, sniffing and putting her mask back on. It came down over her face like magic and just like that, the vulnerable parts of her were covered again. He knew she wouldn't let it slip again, that she would keep her composure in the face of a hurricane. "Thank you."

"For what?"

"For killing the Master. And for not hating me."

"Why would I ever hate you, Mai?"

"Nobu."

But Sokka shook his head. "I don't hate you for that. Trust me, I get it. Okay, I don't get it. Because Nobu is a bastard and I'd like to rip his teeth out one by one, but... I get it. Okay?"

He kissed her hand, lingering a little. Mai's eyes were sad when he took a breath, looking up at her over the backs of her fingers.

"Go find her, Sokka. Don't be like me, okay? Don't be a miserable shit. It's not who you are."

"I don't know who I am without her."

"Yes, you do. And if you don't, she does," she said, and he leaned forward, hugging her again, a little tighter this time.

"I'm sorry," he whispered in her ear, and he felt her hands clutching him, holding him tightly, not willing to let go. He knew she would though. She had made up her mind, that she was protecting herself. He couldn't blame her for that. "You should rest."

"Go to her."

"I will."

He started to get up, but Mai grasped his hand, lifting up off of the bed. He didn't fight it, his mouth slamming against hers in a tight press. Mai's arms went around his neck, her mouth hot and sweet against his. He kissed her back, kissed her the way she deserved. The way he hoped someone would kiss her again one day.

You deserve better than loving me, Mai...

Maybe one day Mai would know that. He hoped so.

A soft sound from the doorway broke them apart. He heard Mai gasp and when he looked around, he saw Azula, just for one moment, framed in the doorway. Her eyes were red and puffy, as if she'd been crying recently. She met his eyes.

Then she was gone, leaving the way she'd come, her hair flying behind her. Sokka heard Mai curse, as his arms dropped away from her. He looked back at Mai, and he saw the pain in her eyes. Then she shoved at his shoulder.

"Go, you moron!"

Sokka bounded up from the bed, tripped on a rug, and then stumbled toward the doorway. He ran into the hallway, Azula's name on his lips, his heart in his throat.

He didn't look back.


Mai watched Sokka disappear through the doorway, shouting after Azula. She trembled in place on the bed for a long moment, the taste of Sokka's mouth still on hers, haunting her. She took a breath, and then threw the covers off.

It wasn't easy, getting out of bed. Her ribs were one long fiery ache, and when she moved her arm, it was like knives jamming into her. She was sweating by the time she was standing upright, but she made it. She swayed with every step, her bare feet soft against the floor.

She was trembling, her knees like water by the time she got to the door that had been left open. She thought of Azula's shocked face. She knew what Azula had seen.

Azula wouldn't understand, but she couldn't find it in herself to feel anything for her at the moment. She was too numb, fighting back her own battle against pain.

Mai closed the door and threw the lock home. Alone, she turned her back on the door. She took another breath, and her mask dropped away. She put her hand over her mouth, as a wrenching sob was yanked out of her by some invisible force too powerful to keep back.

Blinded by tears, her legs gave out on her and she sank down against the door. She let out another pain-filled sob and tightened her hand over her mouth. Her cries grew silent, her shoulders shaking uncontrollably, her middle on fire from pain and heartbreak. Her face burned with tears she couldn't stop.

She had lost him. But she had never really had him. He didn't love her. She had always known it, but some part of her had had a hope that maybe...

But he didn't. He loved Azula.

Why would he love me? Zuko couldn't. Sokka couldn't. No. The only man who has ever really loved me is a monster. And what does that say about me?

Mai's silent sobs went on and on, as she sat against the door. Alone in her heartbreak.

Always alone.


Notes: Okay I know things seem bleak for Mai at the moment - SPIRITS WAS THIS HARD TO WRITE - and you all probably hate me for breaking her heart, but I PROMISE Mai is not done yet. She has her own story coming eventually. Just keep reading the saga!