Thank you so much for the reviews on the last chapter. A few of you were relieved that they met again.
I can't promise you at all that things will get better soon (or that they have sex, like one of you asked!) but what I promise you is a HEA.
Anyway, now it's time for our broken couple to have a chat, don't you think ?
Again and again, I read the lyrics on my sheet of paper. I've changed them a dozen times even if they seemed perfect. George sent me two days ago the results of the writing workshop and every song I received is a gem. Most of them are about love and success, and a few about themes close to teenagers' heart: rejection, unrequited love, growing up. And amongst all those lyrics, I finally found the ones I was looking for : Clary's.
When I hugged Maia goodbye, I thanked her for what she did to take care of Clary, and I asked her to convince her to participate in the contest. I know I had no right to ask how she felt after many weeks without reaching out, and reading her words seemed perfect at the moment to know all her deepest thoughts. When I went to my old high school at the beginning of the week, I immediately spotted her in the assembly while greeting the students. She was sitting in the first row next to George and a black haired girl I didn't know. She seemed lost in her thoughts while listening to me and my voice cracked a few times while looking at her fragile body. No one would notice the change in her but I saw the difference. Even with her fitted clothes, she seemed frail. Dark circles have lodged themselves under her lower lids. When she laughed quietly at something her colleague told her, her smile didn't reach her eyes. For everyone, she seems normal. For me, she looks broken. And I am guilty of that.
When my speech was over, I hesitated about going to see her or not. I didn't know for sure how she would react but I knew she was clever and she would never let her personal life interfere in her job. I breathed a huge sigh of relief when she bantered with me about her students. Seeing her closer, I saw how her eyes were void of any trace of joy. She lost a lot of weigh and she seemed completely exhausted. She introduced me to Maia and we all talked about my upcoming album and tour. I don't know what got into me when I invited them to the last show of the tour which would be in Paris. After seeing her staring badly at her friend when she promised to be there, I stopped pushing my luck and decided to give her space, that's why I didn't go back to the high school and rather had the lyrics emailed to me. That's also why I didn't hug her like I did with George and Maia. I couldn't let her go without touching her though. The moment I put my hand on her burning arm, skin against skin, I travelled back to each time I held her in my arms, naked. To every laugh, every moan, every smile. And I realised I've missed her more than I wanted to admit. That precise moment probably made me realise my feelings for her, and what I've lost.
And I've realised reading her lyrics that I may have lost her for good.
"Jace, you're good ?" Alec asks, clapping a hand on my shoulder. "Are you still rewriting the other part of the lyrics ?"
"I think it's finished. I mean, I don't know what I could do more."
"Are you gonna let us listen before tonight? I know you don't need us for the music but would you mind if I read them?"
I've decided to play the song just with my guitar, alone. Selfishly I don't want to share Clary's words with my band. I know I'm gonna ask her later her permission to record a studio version with the whole band, but for the first time, I want her to listen to it with just my voice and my instrument, trying to convey everything in those lines.
I nod and hand him my notebook. It only takes him a few seconds before sitting next to me, watery eyes glued on the paper.
"Fuck", he sighs, closing the notebook and patting the leather cover.
"I know right? I've only written the second part but the whole job was already done."
"That is so powerful. How could a 16-year-old write that ?"
"It's not a student, it's Clary."
His eyes get bigger and he opens up again the book, reading the lyrics again.
"I don't know what to say, except that is a masterpiece. She's talented."
I chuckle. "You've always told me the bigger heartbreak you experience, the better the song is. I broke her, Alec. Surely the song is magnificent."
When she went with me to the studio when we started recording, she cried listening me singing, pointing out my suffering. And now, it's my turn to witness this. Someone so fragile and ethereal writing something so dark and heavy. A suffering so big that it makes the perfect song, the tears behind the words, the sleepless nights behind each silence, the sound of her heart breaking at each line. And yet, she chose to make me the main protagonist of her story, placing me in the centre of her thoughts and concerns.
"Do you even realise how worried she is for you ? How much she cares for you?" Alec asks.
I sigh. Of course I've noticed. My selfless girl worries about me instead of complaining about the mess I put in her life. My compassionate girl cares for me when I let her deal with that nightmare.
"And yet, you're slowly killing yourself, Jace?"
I'm not worthy of her, I know it. This downward spiral is all I deserve. For all I've done, for all I've been.
xxxxxxxxxxx
I straighten my suit in front of the mirror, looking carefully at my nose to be sure there's no trace left. George would be so disappointed if he knew and I can't take the risk to be a bad example for all those kids. He would never forgive me. We have a few more minutes left before going on stage and I'm completely anguished. I'm high as fuck too. When I caught a glimpse of Clary in the ballroom when we arrived, I had to stop myself from running and grabbing her. Wearing the same dress as the night of the premiere months ago in Paris, she was exquisite. And then I remembered all was fucked up and hidden in the toilets, I took a line. Or two. Pathetic rockstar.
There is a soft knock on the door as I finish adjusting my tie. Jordan immediately stands up to open, and let our visitor in. My slightest hope to see Clary is crushed when I see Maia greeting everyone with a wave.
"Hey Maia, what's up?" I ask, hugging her. "Guys, this is Maia, one of Clary's colleagues and friends", I introduce her to the guys. I catch Jordan's eyes checking her out and his smile getting bigger.
"Can I talk to you for a minute?" She says, glancing at the band around us. "In private".
"Yes, no problem, follow me".
Grabbing a cigarette on the table , I lead her to a small patio at the back of the room we chose as our dressing room. "I don't have a lot of time, sorry, we're supposed to be on stage in ten minutes", I warn her, lighting my cig.
"I won't be long, don't worry. I wanted to have a chance to catch you without Clary actually. She doesn't know I'm talking to you." At the mention of Clary, she gets all my attention. "It's hard for her to see you. She's been going through rough times since a few months."
"And you think it's easy for me? She's not the only one." I snap.
"Easy, Jace. I'm not here to judge you, it's not my business. Everyone can see you're having a tough time either, we are not blind. What I'm saying is that she's the one who got her life crushed to pieces over a span of days. She was on her own to endure the physical pain of losing a baby, but even more the despair coming with it. And I want to make sure that the small progress she's been doing isn't shattered because you're gonna decide to blame her for everything or to jump back into her life."
"Isn't He helping her?"
She shakes her head. "That's not my story to tell. If she wants to tell you, she will. But please, don't break her more than she already is. She wouldn't recover from that. I don't want to lose her."
I leaned back against the wall behind me and close my eyes. "I'm not blaming her for everything, on the contrary. I'm the only one who should be blamed here. I've broken her, abandoned her like a coward and I don't know how to fix my mistakes. I don't know if it's possible. She must hate me."
"Oh no, she doesn't hate you. She wants to but she can't. And I know that deep down, she blames herself for your awful state. Even if I think you're the only responsible for what you sniff all day long. It's obvious, you know."
I snort. "I can stop when I want, it's just temporary."
She smiles sadly and adds, "I won't judge you, that's not my part here. You do what you want. All I wish you to promise me is to leave her alone for now. Maybe when, or if, you're clean again and if you want to do things right, then, maybe, she'll be there waiting for you. But if it's to play with her feelings, leave her alone, please. She doesn't deserve more pain."
Noises and loud voices behind us let me know it's time to go on stage.
"I promise. You know, I've never played with her. Even if it wasn't mean to be a serious thing between us, I've never lied to her. I really got scared when she told me about the baby, I wasn't ready for this. And I screwed up. But losing her was one of the worst things happening to me in my whole life. I have realised how much she means to me."
I hear Alec call my name and urging me to come. Stubbing out my cig in the nearest ashtray, I thank Maia for her honest talk. She calls me out before I pass the door.
"If you have feelings for her, when it's time, tell her. Show her. Don't leave her heartbroken with not knowing. And don't fuck it up, or I can promise you it will be my turn to break you."
One look at her face, and I know she won't hesitate. And I'll let her do it.
