The transition I did between the end of the last one and the beginning of this one threw me off for a minute, lol. So, since we've reached the Fractured but Whole, we now have a lot of stuff directly from the game, but this one will have a bit more original content mingled in than the Stick of Truth did. *sigh* Sometimes I go back and re-read this whole story just because I feel like it's so long ago now. This garbage is so much fun to write. Lol. Oh! One of my favorite quotes from the Fractured but Whole game is when Craig says "My fist is going so far up your ass I'll be able to help you floss."
"Hello?" Darren called as he entered Cartman's basement.
"Ah, there you are, Butthole. Being a superhero is a little harder than you thought, huh?"
"Well –"
"It's okay. You totally suck, but I can't help but feel sorry for you, because your dad fucked your mom when you were a child. Anyways, I think it's about time you go out into town to fill your character sheet out more. Only problem is that a group of dastardly sixth graders is blocking the way. Alone, you'd probably have your ass handed to you, but with your newfound powers and the help of your new allies, I think you may stand a chance. I'll send a message for Human Kite and Super Craig to meet you at the intersection. Give 'em hell, ButtLord."
.
Kyle and Craig met up with Darren by the town sign located near the intersection. They watched for a few moments as two older boys were trying to get a frightened cat down from a tree. Beside them, two others were fighting over a rock.
"Just throw the rock already, you assholes!"
"No, I want to throw it!"
"I found it first!"
"Hey," Craig nudged Darren and gestured towards the sixth graders' bikes. One had a box of firecrackers resting on the back of his bike.
Getting the idea, Darren took out a Snap N Pop and chucked it at the box. The fuses lit then blew up before the two arguing boys even knew what was happening.
"Hey," one of the other sixth graders turned to look. "Fourthies! Get 'em!"
"No mercy, guys," Kyle said.
Darren decided to try out a different attack, forming fireballs in his hands then throwing them at two of the older kids. One of the sixth grader's shirts caught fire, causing him to panic and run around as he frantically tried to extinguish the fire. Darren felt quite pleased with himself until another sixth grader punched him in the face then in the gut.
"Ow…"
"Took that like a champ, fourthie."
Kyle jumped off the ground behind Darren, flying up in a quick spiraling motion that formed a gust of wind that surrounded Darren and pulled him back. He was confused about what had happened at first then realized that he felt more refreshed and the pain from being hit was much less intense.
"Yeah," Kyle said as he landed lightly back on the ground. "I call that one Jetstream. It's a heal. Pretty handy."
"It's a heal. Pretty handy." One of the older boys mocked him, but Kyle ignored him.
"My turn," Craig said. He raised his middle finger at the boy who had mocked Kyle. A blue forcefield appeared around him. "This one doesn't do any damage at all, but it gives me a shield and Enrages my target, forcing them to only come after me!"
"Erg, SO…ANGRY!" He was trying to hit Craig, but the forcefield held strong and deflected every blow.
"Pew-pew!" Kyle shot a bluish-white laser beam from his eyes that directly hit the sixth grader ahead of him and Darren.
"Awesome!" Darren exclaimed.
"And here I always thought kites were lame," Craig remarked.
"Happy to change your mind, Super Craig!"
"Who says I changed my mind?"
"They get lasers? No fair, I want lasers," a sixth grader said.
"Too bad," Craig told him. "MEGA PALM PUSH!" He punched the older boy in the gut, sending him flying backwards a distance. "It's powerful AND it knocks them back!"
"We don't need your fucking life story," the last enemy standing complained.
Darren curled his fingers like claws and slashed at him. The huge fire claws appeared and lashed at him, knocking him back and causing him to fall over another collapsed sixth grader.
"Okay, that was pretty badass," Craig admitted.
"We make a pretty good team," Kyle said.
"Yeaaah!"
"Yeaaaaaah!"
The three boys looked over to see Charles and Lamar protruding from the ground and clapping their hands in applause. "Oh, hey," Kyle greeted them. "What are you guys doing here?"
"Just checking in," Lamar replied.
"We wanted to see how you guys were adjusting to the potions," Charles added. "Looks like you've adjusted pretty well, ha-ha!"
"Yeah! And looks like Darren took one, too! You took the Sub-Shadow Fire Potion? Nice."
Charles nodded. "We made special potions for each of the kids playing and added in abilities via their requests. Course, there was only so much we could give each person without bad side effects. But the fire one was just a leftover."
"What kind of side effects?" Darren asked.
"Depends," Charles shrugged.
"You should be careful," Lamar warned. "You guys just beat up a bunch of sixth graders. Won't be long before that gets across social media."
"And it won't be long before the rest of the sixth grader boys start looking for you," Charles added.
"Oh…"
"Yeah – Oh!" The banshees perked up, looking very alert all of a sudden. "We gotta go!"
"The Princess is calling!" Lamar disappeared below the ground, but Charles remained for a few seconds to tell them something.
"Oh yeah, we saw Clyde – er, Mosquito heading into that Raisins place a while ago. See ya!" He vanished as well.
"Damn it, Mosquito," Kyle muttered. "Come on guys, we gotta go get him out of there."
"I've never been to that place," Darren said as he followed them through town. "I heard it's like Hooters, though."
"Kind of," Kyle said. "Eh, you'll see."
They made their way through an alleyway to get to the northern street of town where most of the restaurants were located, then west until they reached the one called Raisins. The inside was very much similar to Hooters, with loud music playing and flatscreen televisions located in various places on the overly decorated walls, all playing some kind of sports channel. The televisions were mostly ignored however, as all of the customers, all young boys, were too distracted by their waitresses who were also about the same age.
"Oh, this place is raunchy," Darren remarked. "Lucy would hate this place."
Kyle grunted.
A blonde girl approached them. "Hi, welcome to Raisins! Three of you?" Like the other girls, she wore an excessive amount of makeup and tight orange shorts and a tank top that put a little too much emphases on the dots of the 'i's in Raisins. "Well, follow me, cuties." She led them over to a table in the back. "One of our Raisins girls will be right with you guys."
At the table across from them sat Clyde. He was wearing a dark blue jacket with a sash of ketchup across his torso, red gloves, and a brown and red striped beanie. He also had large fake insect wings taped to his back and a red funnel of some kind strapped on his nose. On either side of him was a Raisins girl twirling her hair and pretending to be interested in what he was saying.
"Isn't he just the cutest thing?" one girl said.
"He sure can eat a lot of wings."
Clyde laughed. "Y-Yeah, so then I flew into the sky and I beat up all the bad guys, bzzz."
"Wow, I never knew mosquitoes could be so tough."
"Yeah, well, ever heard of the Zika virus?"
"Another plate of wings, cutie?" the waitress asked.
"Sure, just put 'em on my tab."
"Big spender," she smiled and walked away.
"Fucking Clyde," Darren sighed. "How does Brooke tolerate you?"
"Huh?" He sat up straight. "Hey, beat it! These are MY women! What superhero are you supposed to be anyway? Super- wait… oh my god! The mission!" He jumped to his feet. "I completely forgot!"
"Yeah," Craig said. "We know. That's why we came to get your stupid ass."
"Back away, temptresses!" Clyde pointed at the girls. "Mosquito knows what you are trying to do!"
"Uh, what are you talking about, kid?"
He turned to Darren. "Raisins girls are Mosquito's kryptonite! You gotta get me out of here!"
"Me?!"
"Uh, well okay, here's your bill." The waitress handed him a slip of paper.
"I think not! You tried to charm me! I will not pay this bill!"
"You have to pay, asshole," one of the girls told him.
"Why won't you pay your bill, dumbass?" Darren eyed him incredulously. "It's your own fault!"
"Bzzz, no! Mosquito will not be fooled again!"
"Doubt that," Craig rolled his eyes.
"It's time - !" Clyde shouted and raised his phone in the air. "To call my main squeeze!"
"Huh?" Darren tilted his head. "What are you talking about?"
Clyde tapped on his screen a few times before bringing the phone to his ear. After a few moments he started talking to someone on the other end. "Hey! Uh, I need your help… I know you said you're busy, but I – Yeah…Yeah, it happened again… I know… Okay, bye." He put the phone back in his pocket. "Uh, j-just a moment."
Everyone blinked and exchanged confused looks. Darren was about to call him out again but was interrupted by the random burst of blue flames that spontaneously erupted beside him. He shouted with surprise and jumped back from the screaming flames. Expecting the Grim Reaper, he was even more surprised when the hooded, winged figure that stepped out was actually Brooke.
"Wha- BROOKE?!"
"Oh, hey, Darren."
"Wha- You can teleport?!"
"Well," she looked away. "Only sometimes."
"Wait," Kyle interrupted. "You came to help Mosquito? But aren't you with the Freedom Pals?"
"Mind your own business, Kite!"
He winced at her tone.
She turned on Clyde as he approached her, picking him up by the scruff of his jacket like a lion picking up its naughty cub, causing him to let out a quiet whimper as he curled up in her grasp like a frightened kitten. "How many times do I have to tell you?!"
"Bzz, I know…"
"Main squeeze," Craig huffed. "More like mom."
"He still has to pay!"
"Shut up!" Brooke snapped at the girl that had spoken. Even the Raisins girls were suddenly frightened by her air of aggressive authority. "Get out of my way!" They all stepped aside as she passed, carrying Clyde shamefully through the building.
Darren, Craig, and Kyle exchanged looks before following her outside where she dropped Clyde onto his rear on the cement. He sprung up and hugged her. "You saved me just in time! I am forever in your debt!"
"Yeah, yeah, whatever. Next time I have to get you out of there, I'm going to break your stupid proboscis."
"Not my proboscis!" He grabbed at the funnel on his face.
"Say," Kyle asked curiously, "Angel, who's side are you on?"
"I do what I want," she told him before vanishing in another burst of screaming blue flames.
"God," Clyde swooned, "she's so cool."
"Ugh," Darren rolled his eyes. "Shut up, Clyde. Of course girls would be your kryptonite."
"W-Well, what's YOUR kryptonite?"
"I don't know."
"Dude, you can't be a superhero without something that you're powerless against."
He shrugged.
"Any particular phobias? Any emotional hang-ups? I mean, come on, there's gotta be something."
"I don't know, man!" He thought for a moment. "Uh, powerless against…hm…well, I don't think I could hit an old person."
"Old people, noted. Let's add that to your character sheet… Bzz, great! But it looks like you still have a lot of stuff not filled-out here. What's the deal with that?"
He shrugged again. "I'm still figuring it out."
"Maybe you should talk to Mr. Mackey," Kyle suggested. "He could at least help with the sex/gender part. Besides, the new principal is making him have talks with all of the students to help us all 'fully understand ourselves.'"
"Okay, I guess I'll call and see if he has anything open today." Darren took out his phone. "In the meantime, I gotta shit."
.
"Oh, hi. Darren, right? Thanks for coming, have a seat."
The other boys had remained outside as Darren entered the school to go to the counselor's office. He closed the door behind him and hopped up onto the chair across from Mr. Mackey's desk.
"As your counselor, you can talk to me about anything, mkay? Now," he glanced down at his clipboard. "I understand you want to talk about…sex?"
"Uh…"
"Mkay, I'm highly trained in, uh, sex issues, mkay. You don't have to be afraid. You can start by simply saying, you know, I'm a boy, or girl, or other."
"I'm a boy."
"Right! See? You get it. Okay, well very good. Uh," he looked over the clipboard again, "now, were you born a boy or were you born another gender and currently identify as a boy?"
"Um, I was born a boy."
"Okay, well that means you are cisgendered. Very good."
"…That's it?"
"Well sure, uh, just be careful out there. There's a lot of people you might have to deal with for not accepting who you are, mkay… But come see me anytime!"
"How'd it go?" Kyle asked as Darren rejoined them outside.
"Uh, good, I guess. Found out that I'm a cisgender boy… Which I already knew. Anyways, what's next?"
"You still need to fill out your religion," Craig told him.
"Oh, well, I'm Catholic."
"That was easy," Clyde added the information to Darren's character sheet.
Darren pulled out his own phone as it began to ring; he was receiving a video chat. "Hello?"
"Ah, Butthole," Cartman said. "I see your character sheet is being filled out. Good. Now, I've got a very special mission for you. Go to Freeman's Tacos and…buy me a taco." He hung up.
"…What?"
"Heh," Clyde laughed. "You got an errand boy mission."
"Shut up before I swat you."
"Pfft, whatever, Butt…boy."
"We're going to look into some stuff about the missing cat while you get Coon his taco," Kyle said. "We'll see you later."
.
"Here's your stupid taco." Darren tossed the wrapped taco on the table as he entered Cartman's basement.
He grabbed it. "Ah, good. Uh, listen… Well, I think you show some potential, so I'm going to upgrade you to somebody's sidekick, or something. Congratulations."
A red light suddenly began to flash as an alarm went off loudly.
"The Coon and Friends Alert!" Cartman ran over to the tablet attached to a cardboard computer. "This is Coon, what's happening?"
"It's the Freedom Pals!" Kyle shouted.
"What have they done now?"
"Just get to Main Street! Hurry!"
"We're coming! Coon! OUT!" He hung up the call then turned to Darren. "Well, Butthole, looks like it's your time to shine. Follow me! My Coon Sense is on fire! Confrontation is brewing!"
They hurriedly went upstairs and left the house, running up the street towards the bus stop. When they reached Main Street, they found Craig and Tweek arguing in the street while the others watched.
"We were supposed to be a duo, remember?!"
"Yeah, I remember," Tweek shouted. "So, when I walked out on Coon and Friends, you should've walked out with me!"
"I like Coon and Friends!"
"Because you had your own movies!"
"Thank God you're here," Kyle said as Cartman and Darren joined him behind Craig. "They're really going at it."
There were only five of them standing before Tweek, Timmy, Token, Mysterion, and even Brooke with her dog, Sniper, who was barking up a storm at the excitement.
"Super Craig had to have movies before Wonder Tweek was introduced," Craig said. "It made no sense otherwise!"
"Your whole group makes no sense!" Tweek's voice sounded very strained.
"Because you're a traitor, Tweek," Cartman told him. "And now you're with a group of super traitors."
"This was started by you!" Mysterion stepped up. "By people who thought there should be preferential treatment to certain heroes."
"We aren't the ones who walked out of the fucking franchise, Mysterion!"
"Eric," Timmy moved his wheelchair towards him. "Listen to me. Right now, I'm speaking to you telepathically."
"Get out of my head, Timmy."
"Your franchise is going nowhere. Face the truth, Eric. You guys are kind of douchebags."
"He just called us douchebags. In my mind."
"He did?!" Kyle jumped.
"All right you son of a bitch!" Cartman leapt at Timmy, but he suddenly vanished and reappeared down the street. "Motherfucker! Coon Friends, deal with these assholes!" Cartman ran off after him.
Tweek raised his arms, levitating a little from the ground as electric sparks accumulated around him. "I am Wonder Tweek, Champion of Justice!" A bolt of pale purple lightning struck down a few times before painfully striking both Darren and Clyde.
"What?" Craig said. "That's gay."
"You're gay!"
"Wait…" Clyde rubbed his face. "I'm confused."
"I'm in pain…" Darren whined.
Clyde shook himself then jumped up, his fake wings buzzing as they rapidly beat the air. "Bug bite!" He dove forward and hit Tweek with the end of his proboscis.
"ARRGHH!"
"Ever get the feeling life is punishing you for being a dick, Tweek?" Craig taunted.
"No!"
"Today, you crossed paths with the wrong immortal fourth grader," Mysterion said.
"What?" Darren winced. "Who are you?"
"Make way for Mysterion!" He ran at him and punched him several times before jumping up and dropkicking him.
"Fuck me! Why are you guys attacking me?!"
"You're on the wrong side of this, Darren," Mysterion said.
"So you're solution is to DROPKICK ME?!"
"Whatever it takes to knock some sense into you guys," Token said. "Engaging: Tupper Tornado!" He spun around and whacked Kyle, knocking him to the side.
Clyde made another dive, missing Token and pulling himself back to skid on his heels to stop himself from running into Brooke. He stopped and stared at her, startled, but she only blinked down at him with an unreadable stone-faced expression and made no attempt to move.
"Bzz, uh, h-hey."
Sniper was looking eager to jump the boy, but stayed where he was without the command from Brooke. Instead, the dog snorted with excited anticipation, keeping his head low and shoulders bunched, ready to spring forward at any moment. Brooke's wings remained folded neatly behind her, and her arms were hidden beneath her cloak, so Clyde wasn't entirely sure if she actually had her scythe with her. Not that it mattered…
"Uh, I'll just…" he got up and hurried away from her to rejoin the fighting.
It wasn't until Craig had gone to hit Mysterion that she reacted. In the blink of an eye, the girl had suddenly appeared between them, holding her scythe upside-down to use the side of the blade to block the hit.
"OW! Fuck!" Craig pulled his hand back. He had swung hard, but his fist had come into contact with the spectral blade as if it were a brick wall. There was a loud crunching sound from his fist when it had hit, and an intense pain filled his hand. "Ah, fuck!"
"Serves you right!" Tweek shouted.
"Fuck you, dude! OOF!"
Brooke had raised the scythe and swung it, knocking the boy away and into Clyde. "Do something," Kyle shouted at Darren.
"ME?!" He glanced at Brooke then back at Kyle. "But I'm scared…"
"No fair," Craig said as he rolled off of Clyde. "You guys have a Wechuge on your side!"
"It could've been YOUR side, too, you know!" Tweek told him. "But you left me!"
"YOU left ME!"
"Enough!" Brooke said loudly, and a wave of blue fire burst out in all directions to knock the Coon Friends over. See looked over them for a moment before sending her scythe away and turning to leave. "Let's go. Timmy is back at base."
The other Freedom Pals followed her away, Sniper stopping to give the fallen boys one last contemptuous snort before trotting to catch up. "Ugh," Darren sat up and held his head. "I always forget that Brooke's secretly a badass…"
"Where's Coon?" Craig asked.
"Oh shit, come on!" Kyle led the way. They found Cartman collapsed in the snow by the side of a building. "Timmy got away?!"
"He – He completely raped my mind. I grabbed him, we fought for a bit, but his mental powers were too strong."
"So, we got our asses kicked for nothing?" Clyde asked.
"Not quite." He showed them something. "I got Timmy's cellphone."
"There's sure to be a lead on that!"
"Let's get it back to base," Kyle told them. "Super Craig can analyze it."
.
"What have you found?" Cartman asked.
Craig was looking at the phone through a microscope. "Timmy's phone has a bunch of notes in it. Something about a girl who has information about all the criminal activity in town."
"What girl?!"
"It just says, 'find the girl with the dick tattoo'."
"What girl in town has a dick tattoo?" Clyde asked.
"I don't know," Cartman replied. "But they seem to think that she's the key to finding the missing cat… If they find the cat, then they'll get the reward. We cannot let that happen."
"Then we have to find the girl tonight," Jimmy said.
"Yeah," Craig agreed. "We all have to sneak out of our houses tonight and search all over town."
"Sneak out?" Darren flinched. "But last time I snuck out, my mom found out and threatened to take my PlayStation if I did it again."
"Look," Clyde said. "Sometimes we have to do risky stuff for the team. You signed up for this!"
"Who let him join us anyway?" Craig asked. "He didn't even TRY to fight the Freedom Pals."
"Oh, so YOU would've intentionally attacked the fucking ANGEL OF DEATH!? Besides, CLYDE ran away from her!"
"I-I didn't run!"
"Oh, whatever!"
"Guys, guys," Cartman stopped them. "Go easy on Butthole. He's had a rough life. When he was six years old…his dad fucked his mom."
They stared at him, Kyle looking the most bewildered. "…What?!"
Darren sighed.
"Butthole is very protective when it comes to his mom, because his dad fucked her and he couldn't do anything to stop it."
"That doesn't make any sense!"
"I know. How can the person you trust do that to the only other person you love?"
"Cartman, everyone's dad fucked everyone's mom."
"Huh?"
"That's how it works, stupid! Our dads fucked our moms!"
"Heh, so does that mean your dad fucked your mom, huh, Kyle?"
"YES! My dad fucked my mom! That's why I'm here!"
"Don't steal his backstory dude. That's not cool."
"YOU'RE SO FUCKING STUPID! EVERY HUMAN ALIVE. ON EARTH. HAD A DAD WHO FUCKED THEIR MOM AND-"
"STOP! Stop!" Clyde interrupted. "This is not what's important right now!"
"Yeah," Craig said. "We should head home and prepare for our missions."
"He's so fucking stupid!" Kyle said as they left.
"It's okay, calm down."
"I'm afraid you'll have to deal with that kind of bigotry your whole life, Butthole." Cartman patted him on the back. "I'm going to let you be a sidekick to one of the Coon Friends tonight. Go home and get some rest, and sneak out after everyone's asleep."
With yet another sigh, Darren left to head home for the day. It wasn't surprising to enter his home and find his mother arguing loudly with his older sister about the different boys she's always bringing home. Avoiding getting caught up in the argument, he kept his eyes lowered and made his way up the stairs to his room. He flopped down into his beanbag with a long, exasperated sigh then grabbed his game controller.
By eleven o'clock, he made his way downstairs to leave the house. He almost threw a fireball at the kid that jumped out of the bushes as he locked the door behind himself. "Oh shit!"
"Fear not! For it is I…Captain Diabetes!" It was the boy with a lisp, known as Scott. He was wearing a yellow shirt that was a tad too small, padded shoulder and chest armor, and a sash holding syringes and vials of insulin.
"Jesus," Darren breathed. "I thought you were one of my sister's fuck buddies, but it's just you."
"Yes! A mild-mannered gentleman with the power of diabetes at his control! I used to be a simple elementary school student, but then one day, a freak science accident turned my diabetes into superhuman strength!"
"Oh, uh, that's cool."
"All right, sidekick. We're supposed to go investigate a girl at the Peppermint Hippo who might know the location of the missing cat. Follow me!"
"Wait, isn't that place a strip club?" Darren ran after him.
They stopped by Stan's house where Randy was drunkenly using his keys to scratch his wife's car. "See how you like THAT, stupid bitch!" He glanced at them. "Who are you?"
"I am Captain Diabetes, and this is my faithful sidekick!"
"Oh, okay. Well, move outta the way, huh, I gotta go buy some more beer."
"I'm sorry, but Captain Diabetes cannot allow you to drive."
"I'm fine to drive. Get out of here! Hey! Give me my keys!"
"I'll return them, tomorrow."
"GIVE ME MY FUCKIN' KEYS, YOU LITTLE SHIT!"
They jumped back as Randy swung at them. "Sorry, Mr. Marsh." Darren swung his fire claws at him and knocked him down. "Run!" He and Scott took off into Kyle's house.
"Phew," Scott locked the door. "Human Kite is out on another mission right now. Come on. We can use his shortcut to the other side of town. It's in the attic."
The two boys made their way upstairs and into the attic. It was decorated with many kite and sky related things, including cardboard cutouts of clouds hanging from the ceiling. The back window of the attic had a zipline running out from it. Following Scott's lead, Darren grabbed one of the harnesses and rode the zipline over the houses all the way to downtown.
"As you can see," Scott said as they landed, "South Park is quite a different place at night."
The streets were filled with drunken adults either running around or passed out in some random place. The boys passed by a concert going on at the outside event center then went around the block towards the big building labeled 'Peppermint Hippo'.
"There's sure to be unsavory characters and lots of boobies inside," Scott told him. "I doubt that we will be allowed inside."
"What about this broken vent?" He was looking up at a busted vent up on the side of the building.
"Great detective work, sidekick! Now we just need a way up there." He looked around and spotted a payphone. "Ah, stand back, sidekick, and observe the power of diabetes!" Scott pulled out a box of apple juice and quickly downed it. "Ugh, so much sugar." He twitched. "ARGH!"
Darren jumped back as the other boy suddenly grabbed the base of the phone and pulled it from the cement, throwing it up against the dumpster located just below the vent.
Scott panted and grabbed his insulin, injecting it into his waist. "Ah, and I am back to normal! You see how I have learned to masterfully use my powers?"
"Uh, that seems really unhealthy."
They used the fallen payphone to climb up onto the dumpster and into the vent, landing in the restroom. Darren made a face as he landed on his hands and knees, then stood up straight and wiped his hands off. He waited for Scott before leaving the restroom.
There were several men all around the club, some of which the boys recognized, and all of which were drunk. If they weren't receiving lap dances, they were huddled around the main stage and watching women dance and strip on a pole.
"We'll have to question someone," Scott said. "That means we'll have to find someone and take them to the VIP room. How about those guys?" He went over to two strangers, both red-faced from all the alcohol they had drunken already.
"Oh, hey girl," one of them said to Scott. "Oh, who's your friend? She's a real hottie."
Darren winced. He felt like he should be offended.
"That's right," Scott played along. "Wouldn't you like to take her to VIP?"
"Hm, I don't know. She's kinda short."
"I like 'em short," his friend said. "You take the one with the speech impediment."
.
Darren sat awkwardly beside the man while Scott, having no idea what he was doing, grinded his crotch on the other man's leg. "So," Scott said, "have either of you guys received any dances from a lady with a penis tattoo?"
"Hey, less talking, more dancing."
"Yeah," the man with Darren said. "No talking until you finish grinding on our chubs."
"All right," Darren stood up on the couch. "You asked for it." He bent over, facing his rear to the man, and began to twerk and fart in his face.
"Aw, ugh! Okay, okay! Let's just talk!"
"So, about that girl with the penis tattoo," Scott reminded them.
"Oh, you must mean Classi."
"Yeah," the other man said. "Classi with an I, and little dick that hangs off the C and fucks the L out of the A-S-S."
"That's it!" Scott jumped down. "Come on, sidekick! We have a name!"
"Hey, I'm gonna call the Better Business Bureau and tell them you only gave me half a chub!"
"Yeah, all I did was get farted on!"
The boys left the room to go back to the main area just in time to hear the DJ. "Aalll right guys, hope you're having a good night out there. Be sure tip your waitresses and maybe buy a drink for the DJ. Next up on the main stage we've got a little bit of hot sauce for you, let's give it up for Esmeralldaa…"
"That's it! The DJ calls the bitches' names, and then the bitches come out of that back room! Butthole, we need to find a way to distract the DJ. Oh! Gin and tonic always make my mom pass out. If we can get one and spike it with something really strong, he'll be out for sure!"
"I saw one over there somewhere…" Darren wandered off. He spotted the drink sitting on a table where its consumer was distracted by the dance he was receiving from a stripper. Darren went over and took the drink, making brief eye contact with the woman, though she didn't seem to care that he was snatching someone's drink.
"Great," Scott said as Darren returned. "Now we just need something super potent to add to it."
"Oh! Brooke always says that my farts are potent." He farted on the drink.
Scott growled and shook his head. "Ugh, farts make me angry. They awaken the deep-seated rage within me. I wish it didn't have to be farts, but I guess we have no other choice."
Darren brought the tainted drink over to the DJ and handed it to him. "Allll right! Somebody finally bought the DJ a drink." He took it and downed it all in one go. "That went down really good and – aw, hold up guys, I think somebody farted in my drink. I'll be right back!" He hurried towards the restroom, clutching his stomach.
Scott climbed up onto the stool behind the DJ's setup and grabbed hold of the mic. "All right everybody, things are about to get a little bit hot on the main stage. Please welcome, Classiii!" There was silence and no one stepped out. "Uh, that's right everybody, give it for Classi. With an I and a little dick that fucks the L out of the A-S-S, Claasssiiiii!"
"Ay, what you callin' me out for? I ain't on stage yet." A black woman with a fro stepped out. "Wait a minute! You ain't the DJ! Aw shit, it's 5-0. Cops are here!" She ran back into the back room.
"After her!" Scott and Darren took chase.
They entered a long room filled with several different women in raunchy outfits who all turned to look at them. "They after me, ladies!" Classi shouted from the other side. "Stop 'em!"
"Ah!" Darren panicked as the nearest strippers came at him. He lashed out with fire claws and knocked them all away roughly.
"Oh hell naw! You fucked up! Go get 'em, Bootay!"
Darren and Scott looked around for the source of the stomping, then watched, horrified, as a massive woman slammed through the brick wall into the room. "I'm gonna crush you in my booty cheeks." She ran after them. "I'm gonna break every bone in your body with my booty, baby." Each step she took shook the room, causing items to fall from desks and shelves.
Both boys screamed and bolted for the opposite side of the room. They narrowly managed to get through the door before she got to them. Luckily, unlike the other wall, she seemed either unable or reluctant to smash through the outer wall.
"Aw shit," Classi ran over to the door of the neighboring building and banged her fist on it. "Let me in, asshole! Cops are here!"
"What?" an Italian man opened the door to let her in while he stepped outside. "Get out of here, I ain't afraid to use this thing." He brandished a pistol at them, pointed it up to the sky, and shot it to show that he was serious. A few seconds passed before the building's large neon sign suddenly crashed down on top of him and killed him.
"Oh damn!" Darren said.
They stared at the crushed man for a moment before Scott spoke. "Come on! Into that restaurant!" He pulled out a juice box and chugged it, then began trying to remove the giant sign blocking their way. After a few tries, he left it and stepped back. "Even my Diabetic Rage is not enough to move this sign." He panted. "Uh – I need my insulin… My – I need my…" He felt around on his body but his sash had disappeared, likely having slipped off during their rush to escape Spontaneous Bootay. "Oh god! Oh no! YOU GOTTA HELP ME, I DRANK THE APPLE JUICE BUT I DON'T HAVE ANY INSULIN! I'M GOING INTO DIABETIC SHOCK! I'M – I'm dying! Mom! Mom, I'm dying!" He collapsed. "Please…" He gasped a few times before he stopped moving.
"…S-Scott?" Darren glanced around then nudged him. "Scott?"
"Tsk-tsk. Well, he croaked."
"Mr. Squirrel!" Darren was starting to freak out. "Wait, he's DEAD?! Oh fuck! What do I do?! I'm the only witness to two people dying! Oh god!"
"Aw, calm down, would ya? Remember that enchirito I made you buy at the taco place earlier?"
"CALM DOWN!? Wha-What the hell is Mexican food going to do for me!?"
"Listen kid, I know a thing or two. Especially about you and your disgusting ass. Eat that enchirito. Trust me."
Confused and frightened, he pulled the food from his back pocket and unwrapped it to take a bite. His nerves were so frazzled, it was hard to swallow.
"Go on, eat it all. Quickly! We don't have much time!"
Even more confused, Darren scarfed down the enchirito. He grimaced at the rumble in his gut as he swallowed the last bite. "Ugh, what?"
"Now," the ghostly orange squirrel said. "That Tex-Mex, combined with the powers from your Sub-Shadow Potion and your sickening farts will make for something real special and stupid. Try real hard, okay? Let one rip and bend the fabric of space and time to go back a little bit. Don't question me! Just do it! You only have so long!"
Darren tightly shut his eyes and clenched his teeth, feeling his gut rumbling. After a few moments, he let out a big, loud fart and suddenly found that both Scott and the man were on their feet, alive, and the neon sign was back up in its place on the side of the building.
"Ah – I'm alive?" The man patted himself. "What happened? Who are you?!" He ran into the building.
"Wait," Scott said. "I thought I died of diabetes… I remember seeing a light, a hand reaching towards me…then somebody farted in my face and I was back! I can almost still smell it…"
"Oh my god, it WORKED!" Darren grabbed Scott and shook him. "I brought you back to life with my farts!"
"Uhwah! Ah – O-Okay!" He steadied himself after Darren released him. "That's impressive! Now, let's get back to that Stripper." He used his smartwatch to call the other boys. "Coon Friends, we found her! She's escaped to the Italian restaurant! Requesting backup!"
"You heard him," Cartman's voice said. "All Coon Friends to the Buca De Faggoncini!"
They met up with everyone inside the dining area. "She must've gone somewhere in the back," Cartman said. He glanced around to make sure no one was watching before running towards the kitchen. "Come on!"
"Hey," the chefs stopped to look at them. "What are you doing back here?"
"Coon Friends, ATTACK!" Cartman leapt at one of them and slashed his claws across the man's face.
"Oh, okay!" Darren formed fireballs in his hands and threw them at another.
Each of the boys assaulted the chefs and knocked them all unconscious. After, they quickly made their way into a backroom where they found many cages of cats. "What the hell?" Craig said.
"Dude," Cartman pushed to the front of the group. "Are any of them Scrambles?"
"Mm…negative," Scott said.
"What about the girl?"
Kyle pointed at another door. "She must've gone through there." He held his ear up to the door. "…Yeah, I can hear people on the other side."
He stepped out of the way as Craig and Scott charged the door and kicked it open. Inside were four Italian men sitting at a table, laughing and playing a game of poker while Classi stood by and watched. They all stopped to look at the kids.
"See," Classi said. "I told you the cops was after me!"
"And you led them here, you stupid bitch?"
"Oh, uh-uh, who you calling a stupid bitch? Do I look like your mama!"
The four men got up from their table and pointed guns at the boys, forcing them to huddle in the back corner away from the door. Just when they thought that they were going to be killed, Randy suddenly broke down the door and grabbed one of the men by his shirt. "WHERE ARE MY KEYS?" His hair was disheveled and for some reason his pants were down at his ankles.
"I don't have your keys, man!"
Randy roared and threw him at the wall.
"He's wasted on red wine!"
"Red wine drunk is the worst drunk there is! Let's get out of here!"
"All right, Captain Diabetes…" Randy drunkenly turned and pointed at Scott. "This is it… Give me…my FUCKIN' keys."
"You are in no condition to drive!"
"Then…DIEEEEE!"
They scattered out of the way as he charged, swinging, at them. He crashed into the table, sending poker chips and cards all over. Randy grabbed the chair and chucked it at them, just missing Kyle and Scott as the chair broke against the wall.
"Whoa!" Kyle yelped.
"We have to take him down," Scott said.
"I don't want to fight him," Clyde said. "I might get contact drunk!"
"Step aside," Cartman brandished his claws. "Daddy's home." He slashed several times at Randy, tearing bleeding cuts into his arms and torso.
"Ow – ow! Get off me, you crazy dog!"
"Now!"
"Sugar Rush!" Scott charged and rammed into the man's gut.
"OOF!" Randy stumbled backwards and hit his head against the wall. "All right," he said from the floor. "I'll call a cab."
"No one drinks and drives on Captain Diabetes' watch!"
"Shit," Classi raised her hands up submissively. "A' right, a' right. Look, all I know is that there's a kingpin trying to get new high-grade drugs out on the streets. It's somebody trying to bring the Italian and Chinese crime families TOGETHER and shit."
"Enough small talk." Cartman showed her the picture of the missing cat. "Where is Scrambles?"
"Scrambles?"
"We need this reward money for our superhero franchise!"
"Oh shit, ya'll just want a cat?"
.
"So, then there's Cisco. He just some low-class asshole, started workin' two months ago. He be talkin' all this shit about makin' money off the crime in the city, cuz some big shot white boy be runnin' all the drugs and all the hookers and shit, right?"
They had returned to the Coon Lair with Classi, where she sat at the table to file her nails.
"Oookay?" Cartman said.
"Uh-uh, but not me. I'm my OWN pimp, you know what I'm sayin'? It's like I got one investment in this world and that's my pussy. And I ain't puttin' no mortgage on that to some high-payin' nigga talkin' 'bout trying to make more money off crime and shit."
"Classi – Classi! I'm sorry, but what about the cats?"
"Oh, the cats? Okay, that's this little Asian freak named Yakibaba or some shit like that. He goin' around payin' all these little sixth graders to take people's cats. That's fucked up! I think takin' that pussy is like takin' mine, you know what I'm sayin'? That's like criminal shit."
"Where do the cats go?" Kyle asked.
"I can tell you, but I ain't sayin' SHIT until I know I'm safe, you understand? These niggas ain't playin' and I need to know you gonna protect my ass!"
"Eric Cartman!" His mother had entered the room. "Do you have any idea what time it is? This is a school night! And who is this stripper woman?"
"These Coon Friends offer me protection."
"Well, she's not staying here!"
"Fine," Cartman said. "Fastpass, take her to your house."
"All of you'd better get home right now before I call your parents!"
The kids bolted, Jimmy taking Classi with him at great speed.
To be continued…
I suppose I should mention why all the kids in the descriptive text are still referred to by their names but Kenny is referred to as Mysterion. That's because I decided it would be easier to tell when he was doing the Mysterion voice lol.
