Part III: Sixty-Six


Azula felt like the floor was going to open up and swallow her whole. Every step she took was wobbly, the corridor spinning around her like a top. She clutched the wall, sure that she was going to have another panic attack, but she held on tooth and nail.

She had to get away. Had to run, had to go somewhere safe, where no one would see her break down.

I lost him...

"Azula! AZULA!"

Her eyes squeezed shut tightly, tears hot on her face, as she heard Sokka's voice. It sounded like it was coming out of a tunnel, or maybe that was just because her breathing was out of control, filling her ears with desperate gasps.

He was kissing her... She said she loved him and he kissed her...

It was nothing she hadn't been afraid of. A year was a long time. She had left him in the South Pole, left with no promise of a future. Of course he'd moved on. Of course he had forgotten about her.

"AZULA! Stop! I can explain!"

A hand caught her elbow and she was spun around to face him, her hair flying in a black wave, half in her red and puffy face.

"No!" Azula said, pushing at his shoulders. "It's too late..."

"Too late for what?"

But she couldn't speak. She looked up at Sokka, and her heart broke all over again. He was here. He was real, and he was here—finally here!—and it was nothing like the fairy tales she'd been telling herself for the last year. The fantasies of him showing up in the door of the tea shop and taking her into his arms seemed so stupid, so far removed from the harsh and painful reality before her now.

He was here, and she had lost him.

And it was her fault. All her fault.

"I'm sorry," Azula whispered, swiping at her eyes. "I don't know why I'm crying. You should go back. Mai will wonder where you are. I have to go..."

"Azula, stop," Sokka said gently, and she felt his hands on her face, making her look up at him. She felt a shiver go through her at the contact, the sense memory shaking her to the roots of her soul. She took a breath and her eyes met his, gold to blue.

The floor dropped away from her, and the pain running through her body felt distant, like far away mountains she would eventually have to climb. But not yet. Because Sokka was here, and he was looking at her, touching her...

Sokka's face was bruised beneath a scrum of ragged beard; he didn't look like he'd shaved in quite a while. His hair was down, long and also ragged. He didn't look like he had when they'd traveled together, when he'd worn the identity of a killer named Tazeo. He didn't look like he had in the South Pole either. He looked haunted, tired, bruised. Like a man who had spent the past year in some kind of personal hell.

She saw the pain on his face, the desperation in his eyes and didn't know what it meant.

"That wasn't what you thought it was," he said, glancing behind them, back in the direction of Mai's room.

"It wasn't?" she said, her lips barely moving.

"No. Well, yes... But no," Sokka said, sighing. His hands dropped away from her face, and slid down to her hands.

"I heard her," Azula said. "In Lord Kun's cellar. She said she loved you."

"Yeah, she did," Sokka said heavily, and some of that pain came back over his face. She noticed the bags under his eyes, and the lines of strain around them, and wondered what had put that look on his face.

He doesn't want to hurt me, she thought, and her stomach seized. He's in love with her, and he knows that I know it, and he doesn't want to hurt me.

"I guess... I guess a year is a long time," Azula said, pulling her hands away from his. "You should get back to her. I hope she's okay. I'm... I'm glad she's awake."

"Azula, please, let me explain."

She let out a weak laugh. "You don't have to explain, Sokka. I get it."

"You really don't," Sokka said with a tired laugh, touching her arms now. "You really have no idea what I've been through the last year. What Mai and I have gone through. Together."

"You're right, I don't know. I don't know half of what's happened, why you're even in Ba Sing Se. I don't know what you were doing in that cellar, why you were a prisoner. Why Mai was there... I don't know anything. And I certainly don't know why you kissed me, and I don't want to... I have to... I have to go... I can't do this... I, I have to check on my uncle..."

She shoved his hands off of her again and turned her back on him. She didn't get two steps before Sokka let out a frustrated growl.

"Yeah, walk away. That's what you're good at, Azula."

The words settled in the air like a slap. Azula stopped, her heart seizing at the anger simmering in his voice all of a sudden. She whipped around to face him again, eyes wide. "What?"

"That's what you do, isn't it?" Sokka said, his face growing red. "When you can't handle something you just run. You ran from the Fire Nation, your brother. For years! You ran away from all of your problems until you couldn't any more. You tried to run away from me the entire time we were with the Smoke Demons, and then just when I thought things between us were finally good, we were finally going to get past everything keeping us apart, that you were finally ready to admit how you felt—and you ran away to Ba Sing Se. You couldn't handle it."

"That's not what happened!"

"Yes, it was!" Sokka exploded, pointing his finger at her. "You couldn't handle the fact that you were in love with me so you just fucking left me! You broke my fucking heart, Azula! Do you even know what you did to me? How much you fucking hurt me?"

Tears welled in her eyes. "I wasn't trying to hurt you! You know that! I was sick, Sokka! I needed help!"

"I know that! You don't think I know that?" Sokka said, pacing back and forth, one hand in his hair. "Spirits! Do you even know how many times I've fantasized about what I wanted to say to you? What I would do if I saw you again? I have had so much I wanted to say to you, and you're here, and...and all I can think about is how much you fucking hurt me!"

"I never wanted to hurt you!" Azula said, her hand on her chest, over her hammering heart. "I never did! That's the last thing I ever wanted! I had to get help! Sokka, I nearly killed your father, nearly killed you! I was out of control! I thought you were better off without me!"

"I wasn't," Sokka said, shaking his head. "I wasn't. I fell to fucking to pieces when you left, Azula."

"And Mai was there to pick up the pieces, wasn't she?" Azula said softly, looking up at him, her jaw hardening.

Sokka stared at her and then glanced back down the hallway.

"We've been sleeping together."

"I don't need to hear this..." Azula said, and she turned to walk away again, but Sokka caught her hand, stopping her.

"Yes, you do," Sokka said, glancing around, and then spotting an open doorway. He pushed her toward it before she could fight him. He shoved her into the room, and closed the door.

"What are you doing? Let me go!"

"Sit your ass down, right now!" Sokka said in an angry voice, grabbing a chair and slamming it down in the center of the room.

"No!" Azula said, going for the door again, but Sokka grabbed her and shoved her down into the chair.

"SIT!"

She stared at him, at the anger on his face, running like poison through his voice, and stayed where she was. She couldn't make her limbs move, not with that look on his face. She watched as he grabbed another chair and slammed it down right in front of hers. Then he lowered himself down into it and sat there, glaring at her, one foot bouncing on the floor.

"Sokka..."

"You really fucking piss me off, Azula," Sokka snarled. "You really fucking do. You left me in the South Pole, left me running after you in the snow with one fucking letter begging me not to follow you. So I didn't! But you didn't write! You didn't see if I was okay. You just dropped me and left and now you stand there acting like you care that I was sleeping with Mai?"

"I don't care... It's none of my business. Just like it's none of your business that I was seeing someone too!" She regretted the words as soon as they were out of her mouth, jamming her fist against her lips. All of the anger went out of Sokka immediately and he let out a breath, sitting back in his chair, his hands relaxing on his thighs. "Fuck."

"You've been seeing someone?" he asked after a tense moment.

"I was. It's over now. He... He's the one who helped Nobu drug us at the Jasmine Dragon."

"Your boyfriend drugged you?" Sokka said in an acidic voice. "Sounds like true love."

"Don't! Shirong thought he was protecting me! Nobu threatened him! He killed his roommate!" she said, even though she didn't want to defend what Shirong had done. She was still angry with him and had no intentions of ever speaking to him again, but in the face of Sokka's anger, she felt she had to justify her relationship with him.

"Do you love him?"

Azula closed her eyes, turning her head away. "No. No, I don't love him."

"Because he betrayed you?"

"No," she whispered. "I liked him... But I wasn't in love with Shirong. I knew that before he drugged us."

Because he wasn't you, she thought, but couldn't say. She thought maybe Sokka could hear it in her voice though and when she looked up at him, something in him relaxed. She licked her dry lips. "Do you love Mai?"

She braced herself for the pain that would come, but when Sokka spoke, his voice was soft and full of regret and pain of his own.

"No," he said. "I'm not in love with Mai."

She looked up at him, feeling a soft pop in her chest.

"But I saw you kissing her! I heard her... She's in love with you."

"That was a... A goodbye kiss, I guess. We've been sleeping together, and... I care about her a lot. I really do. But she's right. I'm not in love with her. Not in the way she deserves to be loved, anyway. We're not together. If we ever really were."

"Why not?"

"Why do you think?" he said, meeting her eyes again. He leaned forward, his elbows resting on his knees. "Huh? Use that brilliant fucking mind of yours and figure out why I've spent the last year wanting one thing and one thing only. I've spent months dreaming about seeing you again. I didn't know if I'd kiss you, or scream at you, or tie you up so you couldn't run again. Guess I've done all three."

"I'm not tied up."

"But I'm not gonna let you run again. Not until we've talked," he said, and then scrubbed a hand down his bearded, bruised face. "I don't expect anything else, but you owe me that, at least."

"I know. I owe you an apology. I shouldn't have left like that. I thought I was doing the right thing," she said, rubbing at her eyes. "I was sick, Sokka. Even now, I look back and things are so confused. I was a mess. I've been on medication for nearly a year, and only now, looking back, can I really appreciate how messed up I was. And you couldn't fix me."

Sokka dropped his hand. "No, I couldn't. But that didn't mean I didn't want to be with you."

"You must hate me for leaving."

But Sokka shook his head. "I'm angry, but hate you? I don't. I could never. I understood why you left, why you needed help. I couldn't help you. I know especially after Rian attacked us you thought you were protecting me."

"I was!"

"No, you weren't. Look, I understood your reasons, and what was going through your head at the time. I understood that you were scared. I just... I wish you'd give me the choice. I wish you'd talked to me."

"I didn't want to take you away from your life, Sokka. I already had, so much... You didn't need me dragging you down, ruining everything. When I left I had no idea if I'd ever get better, if I'd find a medication that would work, or if I would always be... Be what I was. Sick and afraid, seeing things...and...dangerous. I was so afraid I'd lose control again and hurt you. I wanted better for you than that. I wanted you to have better than me."

He searched her face for a long moment. "You would never hurt me, Azula. I knew what I was in for. I knew how sick you were. And as far as taking me away from my life? What life? When you left me in the South Pole I fell the fuck apart."

"That's not what I wanted!"

"I know. But it happened all the same. I drank too much, I pushed everyone away. My father, my sister, Aang. Toph... Everyone. I decided if I couldn't be with you, then maybe I didn't even want to live without you."

Azula froze, eyes wide. "What?"

Sokka sighed and then shrugged.

"Mai told me I've been trying to get myself killed the past year. Considering the last few weeks... I think she's right. I've been trying to kill myself."

Azula stood, knocking her chair over. She crossed the small distance between them, not sure what she was going to do before she did it.

Her hand came down across his jaw, knocking his head to the side with an echoing slap. She realized what she'd done a second later, and gasped, even as Sokka stood, knocking his own chair over. He was breathing hard, glaring at her.

"DON'T YOU EVER SAY THAT AGAIN!" she said, tears blinding her in a hot wave. She shoved at his chest, knocking back a step.

"WHY DO YOU EVEN CARE! HUH? YOU LEFT ME!"

"I LEFT YOU BECAUSE I LOVED YOU, YOU ASSHOLE!" she screamed, shoving at his chest again. Sokka knocked her hands aside, and surged forward, backing her up a step.

"YOU DON'T LEAVE SOMEONE YOU LOVE! YOU DON'T DO THAT TO THEM!"

"I WAS SICK!"

"I KNOW THAT! YOU THINK I'M MAD AT YOU FOR THAT? I'M NOT!" Sokka bellowed. "I'M PISSED AT YOU FOR THINKING I COULDN'T LOVE YOU BECAUSE YOU WERE SICK! YOU WERE SO MESSED UP AFTER THOSE MEN RAPED YOU YOU THOUGHT I COULD NEVER LOVE YOU!"

Azula stopped, shocked out of her rage by the truth. She hadn't guessed that Sokka had known that, had hoped that he hadn't. She had said these things to Dr. Song, admitted them after months of pain and lies. Admitted it to herself. Finally.

But she had never wanted Sokka to know that. She still didn't.

Shame rolled over her and her eyes squeezed shut. She wanted the floor to open up beneath her, swallow her and never spit her back out again. Even being trapped in the earth was better than finding out if her biggest fear was true...

"Sokka...

"I'm right, aren't I? Admit it! That's what you were afraid of. You were scared of loving me because you were afraid I'd come to my senses one day and leave you because of what they did to you. That's why you ran. You can use whatever excuses you need, but I knew the truth then and I fucking know it now!"

"Don't tell me you weren't disgusted."

"Of course I was! But not by you! I hate that they hurt you. I hate that you spent years in pain, thinking no one could love you, and then when someone did, you were so hurt you pushed me away! I hate that! But I don't hate you for it. How can I?"

"So you don't feel that way?"

"No. Never. Ever. Whatever your trauma is telling you, don't listen to it. I never thought that, and I never will."

"So why did you let me run? Huh? Why did you let me go!?

"You asked me not to," he said.

"I didn't mean it! I needed you," she said, her voice breaking. Tears ran hotly down her face and she couldn't stop them. "I know it's fucked up, I know I was fucked up. I still am, but... But I needed you!"

"I knew you didn't mean it, Azula," he said heavily. "I knew if I came to Ba Sing Se you wouldn't be angry with me. Do you know how many times I bought tickets for trains to Ba Sing Se? For airships? Boats? Caravans? I got so drunk once that I walked thirty miles before I sobered up and came back to Republic City."

"So why didn't you come?"

"I've been too fucked up. Mai told me you were getting your life together, and I was... Falling apart. I couldn't drag you down with me. You were better off without me."

"No, I wasn't," she said, shaking her head. "I wasn't. All I've wanted was you. Even when I was with Shirong, I just... I wanted you. And I lost you. Didn't I? It's my own fault, and I... I lost you."

"I'm standing right here, Azula."

"But you hate me for leaving you."

"No, I don't. I don't hate you. You hurt me, but... I told I understood. You were sick. You needed help that I couldn't give you. I'm glad you did what you did. I'm glad you got help. I'm so proud of you."

"I'm sorry I hurt you. That's not what I wanted."

"I know," Sokka said heavily. "Look...I..."

A knock sounded on the door, shocking her into jumping. She'd been so focused on him, she had forgotten where they were. Sokka let out an aggravated breath, and glanced at her. She swiped at the tears on her face, sniffing, the spell between them broken.

"Dammit..." Sokka growled, going for the door, where the knocker kept knocking insistently. He wrenched the door open, throwing it wide to reveal a servant in one of the Earth King's uniforms standing there holding a lantern, though by the light coming in from the windows, he wouldn't need it much longer. The sun was rising on another orange and hazy day in Ba Sing Se.

Azula felt exhausted. She hadn't slept all night, and she'd spent most of it crying on poor Dr. Song, working through her panic attack. And now this. She wished the servant would go away, but she also felt grateful for the interruption.

"Are you Sokka?"

"Yes? What do you want?" Sokka barked, making the servant jump.

"The Earth King is convening a meeting in an hour to discuss... Well, everything. He would like for you to attend. And... Princess Azula? You as well."

Azula breathed out an exhausted sigh. "We'll be there... I... Could you have some clothes sent to my room? My clothing is... Not up to a meeting with the Earth King," she said, gesturing to her blood, sweat, and smoke-stained clothing.

The servant bowed to her. "Right away. I'll have something sent up for you as well, sir. You may want to...clean up."

Sokka ran a hand down his ragged beard and then nodded. "Right. Thanks."

The servant bowed again and walked off at a brusque pace, leaving them alone again. She looked up at him and he looked at her. He opened his mouth, as if to say something else, to her, but then stopped. There was so much more they needed to say to one another, and they both knew it.

"Can we talk, later?" he asked, looking as exhausted as she felt. "Please? I promise, no yelling."

"I deserved it."

"I don't want to be angry with you, Azula. I want..." But he stopped himself again, shaking his head. "I should go. The Earth King will be waiting."

"Me too. Are you okay?"

Sokka sighed. "No. Yes. I don't know. I'll see you at the meeting."

"Okay," she said in a small voice, and he started to walk out of the room, but she called out to him. "Sokka!"

"Yeah?" he asked, turning around to face her again.

"Shave your face. You don't look like yourself."

"I haven't felt like myself for a very long time, Azula. I don't even know who I am anymore."

"Maybe it's time you tried to find him?" she said. "You might like him if you did."

"I'll try. For you, my Princess," he said, cocking a small smile to his lips. Then he turned and walked away, leaving her standing there in the doorway. A smile slowly rolled across her lips, and she put her hand over her mouth to hide it the way she used to, when she'd been afraid of her own happiness.

She caught herself, and dropped her hand.

"My princess," she said softly to the empty corridor, her heart beating like mad, and for the first time, she felt the soft throb of hope in her chest.

Maybe she hadn't lost him after all.