A/N

Another day, another update —or three.

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Enjoy this moment of peace whilst it lasts LOL.

"The drugs?" I ask, turning to face him.

We made it to his bed, but we haven't touched. Lying on our sides, facing each other, using the same pillow. His scent surrounds me, I never thought I'd ever find it this comforting.

His brows crease, teeth biting the inside of his cheek. "An escape, that's all. I'm not an addict."

"So you could stop? If I asked you to stop right now, you would?"

He nods, and I believe him. His eyes so clear and deep in the morning light. I raise an eyebrow, because is it really that easy?

"Promise me?"

He chuckles, but nods and looks at me for a beat. "I promise."

"I was so scared earlier. And the times before …"

"I know." All humour has disappeared. "I'm sorry. It's a coping mechanism, it's all I had, and I'm ... yeah, I'm too selfish sometimes. It's not as bad as it appears ... I just, go overboard when I feel like I'm losing control."

"Okay." Placated for now, I decide to give him the benefit of the doubt. Shifting my head a little, I look up at him. "What do you want now?"

He hums, looking over my shoulder at the wall. "I don't want to be scared anymore," he answers truthfully, his voice barely a whisper.

"What are you scared of?" I ask, tilting my head on the pillow, our serious expressions perfectly mirrored.

He thinks, and for a moment I worry that he's going to back off, change the subject. "This." He doesn't need to elaborate, I understand.

Intimacy, opening up, becoming attached, connection.

"Are you ever going to tell me why?"

"Not tonight —today," he corrects, sighing, shifting to make himself more comfortable. "I think we've delved enough for one lifetime." I can't argue with that, I'm exhausted too. "You know," he continues, his voice low, relaxed, calm, "you should become a shrink … so many questions all the damn time."

I try to fight the smile, but it's futile. Chuckling, I shake my head, rolling my eyes. He laughs too, and the sound does things to me —deep, beautiful things — feelings that I'm not yet ready to contemplate.

"Where do we go from here?" I hate how nervous my voice sounds, I hate that this is who I really am, but I can't hate that I'm finally showing him.

Inhaling deeply, he holds it for a second, his eyes breaking their contact with mine before he releases the air through his nose. I watch with rapt attention, every little movement, every minuscule detail. "I don't know," he answers truthfully, eyes meeting mine one more, expression almost pained.

"I don't know either," I admit. "But … we could start by calling quits to this ridiculous game we seem to be hanging to. Edward," I warn, "if you withdraw again, I'm done. I'll be selfish. I can't go through that again …"

He nods, cringing at my ultimatum. "Okay. That's fair. Fresh start?"

"Not quite." He raises his eyebrows, moving his head back on the pillow, a silent question I'm not sure I have the answer to, but I do my best. "I don't want to forget everything. There's a lot we did that I really enjoyed."

"Yeah?" He's smug again. I've almost missed that smirk.

Nodding, I move my hand under the pillow. "I mean, when we were good, we were really good."

He agrees, smiling wider. "That's true. It's a pity we never gave each other —I never gave us the chance to be good outside of sex."

"I think we just got too caught up on testing and pushing each other. It was purely physical. We never talked."

Nodding, he shifts his head an inch closer to mine, my eyes betraying me and dipping to his lips. He knows exactly what he's doing, smiling when I feel my cheeks heat.

I try not to fool myself. I know this isn't the start of something warm and fluffy. We still have so much to work through, both as individuals and together, but there's been a shift and for now, I allow myself to enjoy it.

There's a list in my mind that casts a daunting shadow over both of us, clawing, refusing to be forgotten: his adoptive parents, the constant fighting, the aggression and possessiveness … he's a swirling enigma with a magnitude of demons, but for now, he's this person and I can't look away; this softly spoken, teasing, open person and I want to hold on to it for as long as I can.

But I can't.

"We can't keep doing this to each other," I tell him, bracing myself for what I'm about to say, hoping he can take my words for what they are -honesty. "I can't … trust you right now." He swallows hard, watching me closely, but doesn't argue. "I think we need to prove to each other that we're ready to put everything behind us and … treat each other with respect."

He's quiet and it kills me. I'm so desperate to reach out to him, to comfort him. But I've always been too forthcoming with my comfort around him. Once bitten …

And that just proves further that we can't sweep everything under the rug and forget about it. We need to deal and we need to heal. We've built such precarious foundations and every mistake will be monumental -make or break. He needs help. I need help too. If we continue like we started, we'll destroy each other.

"Maybe we do need a fresh start," I add, my hands clenching into tight fists to stop myself from reaching out to him. "From the very start. We need to be better, for our sake, as individuals."

"I don't …" he takes a steadying breath, the pillow rustling as he shifts his face. "I don't know how to do that." His voice is raspy, unsure.

Smiling softly, I want to move my attention from his beautiful, yet tortured, face. But I can't. "We can figure it out, together. Slowly."

"Slow isn't my style." He's teasing, but I can't find the humour in it.

"Oh, I know …"

Instantly, he looks sheepish, as though he's about to apologise, but I stop him with a quick shake of my head. Fast isn't always a bad thing, but in our case …

Rolling his lips into his mouth, he contemplates something for a while, his gaze on the wall behind me. "So, basically, you want me to prove myself worthy?"

"No, I want us to prove ourselves worthy of each other. I want us to be better. I want you to stop seeing yourself as the main villain in our story. We've both got issues we need to deal with, but … I mean, only if you want to. Only if you think it's worth it."

That's the crux, isn't it? It'd be much easier to go our separate ways and move on. But if there's a chance Edward and I can work through this, I want to take it. This boy, demons and all, has a hold on me that I can't shake, nor do I want to.

I can only hope he feels the same way.

Eventually, his voice pulls me from my musings, my apprehension, making me smile —a true, wide smile.

"Okay."

A/N

Jemster23 is like a caffeine fix -she keeps me going.

Back to shorter chapters after this one!

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