Disclaimer: I own nothing. Aaron McGruder owns it all. If I did, Huey would be POTUS.

Reviews:

LavenderLuvER18: A real chapter now 😊. I hope you like it, really, and more than that I hope it makes you happy.

GREENPEACE1990: Thank you, I also love seeing Aunt Cookie being taken care of cuz she needs the love and she just gives so much love back. Hope you enjoy this next chapter 😊.

CHAPTER 44:


I exhale, knowing I should have also brought the book on the mass incarceration of brothers to make sure I took everything I could from that book not just my SAT prep book, and I hear them laugh.

I feel my smirk, hearing them talking, knowing I brought the right amount of books, and hear Aunt Cookie say, "That's right sweetheart, my baby loved cakes, chocolate cake the most, would see him smiling the whole time he knew he was gonna have some of that cake, specially while eating it, and didn't matter whose birthday it was long as my baby was getting some chocolate cake that night."

I exhale, knowing his eating habits have been like that since before he can probably remember, sugar and starches, hearing them laughing.

I hear Cindy say, "Gots it, so whenever he's moody just make him a chocolate cake. Thanks Aunt Cookie."

I bend the end of the page, marking it, hearing my brother say he's not that easy to figure out, hearing them laughing, and I start looking for the table of contents to find the section on mathematics.

I exhale, knowing that section is one I can skim through and relax to while I listen, possibly enjoying today, smelling that coffee.

I grab that coffee and hear that voice, that voice I've been enjoying, say, "They both have the biggest smiles, probably just happy being little kids at a party."

I take that drink, black coffee, knowing they're still getting through that album, one that has many pictures of us at different events, parties, and apparently some occasions we had to be around cakes and other kids.

I taste that coffee, putting the cup down, not caring how and why I succumbed to this one addiction, caffeine, black coffee, seeing as there are many other addictions idiots have fallen into, many idiots or people with predispositions falling into addictions that cannot find their way out unlike my brother, dying from an overdose or worse, being incarcerated for years because they were carrying weed, fucken weed, when they were arrested walking home for not a fucken reason other than being black or brown and poor.

I exhale, remembering I also did not bring my LSAT prep book because I wanted to focus on the SATs and more so than even that I wanted to focus on all we have planned as I hear Aunt Cookie say that picture where my brother and I are sitting at a table eating cake, that picture they've all said we looked 'cute', possibly not as annoyed about it because she said it, where apparently my brother has cake all over his face and I'm sitting next to him eating cake myself, that picture they are all looking at is from my sixth birthday.

I inhale, focusing on that section, the math section. Math is also the saving grace for most kids and its function is to explain the science of life, biology, science in general, what I predominantly believe in, and hear Aunt Cookie say, "Yes sweetheart, they were just two little boys full of smiles, both my boys, and that right there is the last picture I have of them smiling like that, just a few weeks before the good lord took them to a better place, my sweet Jeb and Rosie."

I look up, see those greens looking at me, see that worried look in that face, and hear her tell Riley to finish that cake.

I taste that cake, exhale, and her hear say, "Baby if you want you don't have to keep eating, you just eat what you want."

I put the spoon down, grab the water to make the taste go away, too much, and hear my little brother say, "Mama, wan' more."

I put the cup down, making the taste go away, not bad taste, just too much taste, and hear her say, "Sweetie now that you finished that cake you should wait before you eat more, wait some, then go on and play with your cousins, and after that if you still want more you can some more. Do you want that baby?"

I hear my little brother say, "Yes mommy."

I look up, see daddy with Grandad, see them laughing with my uncles and Aunt Cookie, see Loretta, my uncles, aunts, cousins, family, and hear her say, "Why you smiling baby? Are you having fun on your birthday my big boy?"

I nod and say, "Yes mommy."

I feel something, look down, and see a hand covering my hand, hearing my little brother say he wants to play, and hear her say, "Baby you can go talk to your cousins but no playing for ten more minutes, you hear me?"

I touch it, that rock, a 'gemstone' mommy said, hearing my little brother say yes and walking away, and hear her say, "Baby I see you looking at this ring whenever I wear it so I know you like it."

I nod and say, "Yes mommy, it's pretty like, like."

I exhale, thinking, trying to use a word I saw in a book, thinking, feel her kiss my head, smile, and say, "Butiful, like, like mommy."

I feel arms hugging me, putting my face in something soft, a sweater, and hear her say, "I love you baby, I will always love you, and you will always be a good boy, such a good boy, a respectful boy, especially to girls."

I exhale, moving away, hearing her laugh, and hear her say, "Don't you go getting embarrassed baby, I see how you look at some of the girls in your class and that there is just fine because there's nothing wrong with liking someone, nothing wrong with it at all my baby, but I want you to always remember that, that you're a good boy, respectful, how your Aunt Cookie, Grandad, daddy and I are raising both you and your little brother to be, and you're also going to keep teaching your little brother to be a good, respectful boy, being the good older brother you are, remembering to always ask for help when you need it, and because I do know how much you like it, one day I want you to give it to a wonderful girl, a good girl, the one you like the most. Can you do that for me baby?"

I nod, smiling, feeling a soft sweater, not understanding but I can ask daddy about girls after my birthday party, moving my face to feel my mommy even if I'm a big boy because I'm six now and can go to the park across the street with my little brother without mommy after we tell her we're going so she can watch from the window mommy said, feeling water in my eyes, tears mommy said, and hear daddy and Grandad laughing.

I look over, see my little brother not letting my cousin take the ball, holding it over my cousin's head, laughing, feeling her hug me, feeling her hand on my hand, and I look down at that 'gemstone'.

I see those greens with that water, that worried look on that soft face, and hear her ask me if I want tea.

I inhale, drying that possible water in my eyes, see she's sitting next to me now, feeling my smile, move in, and kiss that big forehead. I hear her inhale, hearing some others inhale, moving away from that forehead, see those greens blink with that water in them, and say, "No thank you, I'm fine, but."

I look over at him, see him looking at me with his raised eyebrow, that damn worried look his face, and I exhale and say, "I remembered on that day you also punked Romeo enough that he might still be sore about it."

I see him exhale, see him look away with that idiot smirk, hearing Grandad possibly laughing at dumbass cousins for not having enough Freeman blood in them, seeing my brother snickering, and he says, "And last year he tried hitting up Cin so I owe that fool nothin' and I see him talkin' to her I'ma drag him out."

I hear that giggle, feel that heavy head on my shoulder, hearing her mother and sister laughing, and I move down in the chair, relaxing, knowing the alarm system is on but I'm making some tweaks to it while we're here, and hear Cindy say, "Riles, don't even worry a'ight, ain't like it's gonna happen anyways cuz he knows what's up, and it don't even matter and it's family."

I grab that cup on the table in front of me, tasting that coffee again, and hear Aunt Cookie say, "Well angel you're right, it is family, and it doesn't matter because I'm sure with how you all were raised that sort of thing doesn't cross your mind but baby."

I look up, see Aunt Cookie looking at my brother, see that smirk that belongs to our family, and she says, "This is your house and if you feel anyone's bothering any women in this house, even family, you make sure to take them out to the front and have a good talking with them, one where if they keep being stubborn fools not respecting that a young girl said she ain't interested then you kick that boy outta this house, and I'll speak to their mother myself, remind them who's house this is."

I exhale, hearing the laughing, shaking my head, knowing this vacation started with breakfast, the smell of that tea, coffee, and a trigger to an old memory, talking about the last of my birthdays they were alive, possibly laughing with them at harmless cousins, thinking how I do not want to associate that trigger with a new memory as the old memory is not unpleasant, but the opposite, a happy one, but I could associate the trigger of talking about that birthday with what's happening right now, laughing with my family, feeling that soft face on my shoulder, knowing this vacation has started off well, exceptionally well, possibly more than even well.


I exhale, smiling, writing it down, and hear Aunt Cookie say, "That's right sweetheart, I did well in school but I liked coming home to draw more, wanted to draw with colors mostly but those cost too much and my poor family couldn't afford none of that so I would draw with my pencils, used up all my pencils, used up my brother's old paper he had left too, and I'd just draw."

I nod, writing it down, about school back then when she was our age, the classes they would take in high school, those schools where black kids, all black kids, brown kids too, had to go to, segregated schools, those schools where we had to go to, black, brown, and mix kids, where I would've gone, and hear my sister say, "You still got those drawings Aunt Cookie?"

I look up, see Aunt Cookie smiling, maybe blushing, looking at my sister, and hear mom say, "I have a feeling, knowing how Riley is and how he has his artistic talent from you Aunt Cookie, probably his bashfulness too, those drawings are probably locked away somewhere in this house because someone thinks they're not very good even though they're probably amazing, especially if you were making those drawings at Riley's age."

I see Aunt Cookie look over at my mom, surprised I think, see her blush for sure, making me laugh, hearing my sister laughing, and see Aunt Cookie start laughing.

I see Aunt Cookie shake her head smiling at my mom and she says, "Can't hide nothing from you sweetheart, but yes, got a box full of those old drawings, but it would take too much work to go through those boxes in that old basement, some boxes I know haven't opened in years."

I inhale and close my mouth.

I see Aunt Cookie look at me, see her smile, feeling that small, strong hand on my knee I think knowing what I want to ask, seeing Aunt Cookie looking at both my sister and me, smiling at us, and she says, "Well, maybe, since you'll have been helping me so much, so much I've been waking up each morning to go on those walks, coming home to my coffee made by one of you angels, being able to read my bible in the morning while you all clean up after breakfast, not letting me do any of that cleaning, and just feeling so much better these last few days, maybe I could have it in me to open up that basement, see what's down there in some of those old boxes."

I feel my smile, feeling my sister hugging me, and see my mom hug Aunt Cookie.

I see Aunt Cookie smile hearing my mom tell her we'll help the entire way, and hear my sister whisper, "'Venture time sissy."

I feel smile, kiss that soft blonde head, and hear Aunt Cookie say, "So what other questions you have for me baby?"

I nod, feeling my sister letting go of me, and I look down at my pink diary, my second one because I filled up the last one with everything Huey told me about his mom and dad. I also used my old diary to write things I thought about when Huey was telling me those things about them, like how great it was that his dad taught African American history at the college here, the community college here, what kinds of foods his mom liked making, what kinds he ate and what kinds he didn't like but he ate them because his mom made those dishes, the books his dad and mom made for him and Riley, even the books he bought later that I saw Zari reading. I exhale thinking about how cute it was when Zari blushed, embarrassed I think, when he said Huey had giving him those books but he didn't want anyone to know, just me and Cindy and Tamera. And there's how good he is with little kids, how warm and affectionate Huey really is, hoping I can fill this pink diary with Aunt Cookie's and Grandad's contributions, their life, their schools, everything, and the next book can be about my mom, my grandma, Bobby, my great grandma, pop's, and more about Huey and Riley's mom and dad. I inhale, feeling my smile, knowing I'm going to write about what his parents taught him and Riley, how much they taught them, just like how Huey's trying to teach little kids using books and lessons on being honest, lessons I heard Zari tell Tamera Huey and him talked about, a lesson about not telling lies and reading a lot, because Huey knows how much those little kids matter. I exhale, knowing he still doesn't know how much of a good person he is or how warm and affectionate he is, like how warm and affectionate those arms holding me are, those strong arms.

I inhale, looking up, seeing Aunt Cookie smiling at me, and she says, "Don't worry sweetheart, when you remember any of those questions you have you come ask me but."

I see her look over me, see her smile at him, knowing my face has to be red with Huey hugging me like this in front of Aunt Cookie, and she says, "I wanna make a sweet potato pie tonight and

I need some fresh brown suga' and 'bout three of those big sweet potatoes and I was 'bout to look for you and your brother to send you two to Ol' Mr. Pete's place for the suga' and Mitch's for those potatoes."

I feel him nod and hear that monotone voice say, "Yes Aunt Cookie. I'll walk over to Mitch's and Riley can," and I hear Aunt Cookie say, "Baby why don't you both take these two angels seeing as they've been cooped up for days and need some fresh air and that way they can get to know the neighborhood since you'll gonna be here longer this time and they should get to know the place bit more?"

I inhale, getting excited, remembering we didn't get to walk around the neighborhood last time because we were driving everywhere and only got to walk back home at night after the fight at the courts when it was dark, wanting so badly to walk around the neighborhood during the day, no matter what we're planning to do later, I want to walk around the neighborhood.

I feel those arms hold me tighter and hear Aunt Cookie say, "Baby, remember, not a soul would know you all are here 'less they first know that you are here and know both my names, and I'm sure you and your brother are gonna be with them the entire time making sure they're just fine, so try to enjoy yourself with them some baby, just some, not just with anything you all already gonna do but these things too, like letting these two angels get to know this place so maybe they wanna be here even more, maybe even longer later on."

I feel my eyebrow rise, seeing Aunt Cookie looking at Huey with her small smile, doing that thing I think, the talking without talking, not knowing they did it too, and feel him exhale, seeing Aunt Cookie smile, and feel my big smile.

I hear a chair move, look over at her, see my sister walking towards the backyard, and hear her say, "Getting Riles, we gonna go to Ol' Mr. Pete's place for that suga', you'll go to that other place for those potatoes."

I laugh, shaking my head, knowing he's probably still worried because it's only been a few days since we got here, and I think he's been happy, even after seeing him cry a little that day when we saw that picture of his birthday party when he turned six, feeling happy he was okay afterwards.

I look down at my diary, see those other questions I still haven't asked because we've been talking and drinking tea and having fun, knowing I still want to ask those questions and we can hopefully all go out later but right now Huey and Riley can go get what Aunt Cookie needs, even if I really, really want to go, and I say, "Huey I don't have to," and I hear him say, "I want you to. Please?"

I look up, see my mom smiling at him over me, feeling my cheeks for sure red now, hearing Aunt Cookie laughing, exhale, and say, "Okay bestie."

I feel him let go of me and I stand up.

I close my book, hoping with that hug, how affectionate he's being and us being outside, I won't be that red at the end of the day, and hear that voice say, "Jazzy love?"

I look up at Aunt Cookie, see her smiling at me, and she says, "And if when you're out there any of those boys gives you some problem, even if I know my nephew will be there, you always remember my name means something 'round here."

I exhale, feeling my smile get bigger, feeling strong seeing my mom and Aunt Cookie sitting there, together, nod, and say, "Yes Aunt Cookie."

I turn around and exhale at how cute he is, giving me my sweater.

I take my sweater, put it on, grabbing my purse from his hand, and feel my eyebrow rise wondering when he got all my stuff and still had time to put on his sweater.

I walk out of the kitchen behind him, putting my purse over my shoulder, and see him grab the keys from the keyholder. I see him unlock the door, feeling my eyebrow rise, and say, "We are walking right bestie?"

I see him turn to me, see him exhale, maybe annoyed, seeing those cute pursed lips he does when he's uncomfortable, feeling my smile, and see him put the car keys back on that keyholder.

I see him open the door, see him step out of the house, and hear those steps behind me.

I turn around, look back at them, see my sister putting on her cute dark jean jacket over that black muscle shirt, those light blue jeans that show how fit her legs are, and smile at Riley in that jacket she made for him last year that somehow still fits him just not as baggy.

I see Riley exhale, looking from my sister to me, and he says, "A'ight, you'll know, don't be going off nowhere, and make sure you got some weapon on you, and if any fool talks to you what you gonna do," and I see my sister hug Riley around his shoulders, and see her kiss his cheek.

I see Riley exhale, looking down with his smirk, and my sister says, "Riles, we got it, gots it all the way, don't talk to no mean looking dudes 'less we can handle them, and don't be going into no 'bandoned houses and whatnot, got it, let's go boo and show me the streets cuz I wanna see 'em all, even if it's just be two blocks, and I wanna count the squares on the sidewalk all the way, now," and I feel my smile, seeing Riley kiss my sister, turning around to give them privacy, and I see that boy.

I exhale, walking out of the house, down the steps, into the warm sun, getting to him, looking up at him, seeing those tense shoulders, and I put my hand on that lower back.

I see him exhale and I put my arms under his, around his lower body, and I hug him from behind. And I feel my smile, feeling those hands going over my hands, making my hands into those fists he likes to make them into.

I exhale, kiss that back, and hear him say, "Jazmine, she."

I hear him stop and I hug him harder. I put my face on that back, closing my eyes, hearing him breathing, and say "Yes bestie?"

I feel him exhale and hear him say, "Aunt Cookie doesn't know about every reason why."

I open my eyes, see that lady a few houses down gardening in her front yard, a lady that could be my mom's age, I think Latina, thin, tall, thin and tall like that girl I think he's worried about, and say, "I know bestie. Aunt Cookie doesn't know about what Dolores said."

I feel him let go of my hands, feel him turning, and I let my hands fall to my sides.

I look up, see him looking at me, feeling my smile at how much taller he is because of that warm soft afro, not knowing how tall he is anymore, knowing I'm a little short, seeing him come down, and feel him kiss me.

I exhale, kissing him back, closing my eyes, after days of sleeping on the couch with him sleeping on the floor, being really, really careful to only kiss a little, a goodnight kiss, that's it, and then falling asleep with my hand in that warm afro, but nothing more, after nights of smelling him, seeing him there, not kissing him like this, I grab that face.

I taste the tongue, wanting to taste him, putting my arms around that neck, feeling him hugging me, tasting how good he taste, how clean he taste, feeling that hard chest, feeling him squeezing me, like it's been so long for both of us, so long since we kissed, hearing him say he missed me and he'll protect me.

I nod, kissing him, telling him I missed him and I'll protect him, and hear a voice I love say, "Psss, sissy, too much here, sissy."

I kiss him, tasting him, hearing him groan, feeling that hard chest, wanting to hear that groan that emanates from his stomach, that groan that goes up his chest, where his laugh comes from, that laugh I've been hearing every day we've spent time with Aunt Cookie, my mom, Riley, and my sister, feeling something, a pull on my sweater I think, and hear my sister say, "Sissy, you'll gotta stop befor' Aunt Cookie comes out, sissy come on."

Aunt Cookie.

I exhale, remembering where we are, I think, moving away, opening my eyes to see those eyes, that annoyed face, and I kiss those lips one more time, feeling him squeeze me.

I move back down, feeling my smile, feeling him letting go of me a little, and see that smirk coming back, almost that half smile.

I exhale, seeing how beautiful he is when he smirks in the sun, I think hearing birds chirping, and he says, "Stay on my right side or," and I finish, "You'll tickle me, I know."

I see him exhale with that cute half smile now, see him nod, and hear a voice passing us by say, "We be back, listen Jazzy, and don't be worrying 'bout Cin, a'ight?"

I look over at him, see Riley pulling my sister out the gate, and see my sister waving at me, seeing her pretty smile. I feel my smile and say, "Okay Riley, have fun."

I feel that squeeze around my waist, remembering he's still hugging me, look back at him, see him looking at my lips I think, wondering if they're red from kissing right now, and he says, "Let's go and I want to know what you talked about right now."

I feel my smile and say, "Okay bestie."

We walk out the gate, start walking down the street, feeling my smile at being out with him here, telling him about what schools Aunt Cookie said she went to, some of the classes she took at those segregated schools, seeing the houses we're passing, the houses that look different, different from the houses on Aunt Cookie's block.

I exhale and hear that monotone voice say, "Why did you stop talking?"

I look over at him, see him looking at me, feeling my smile, go up , and kiss him.

I come down, seeing that look, the one where he's making me feel special because he's looking at me like that, waiting for me, and I grab his hand and start walking again.

I exhale, looking at those houses again, and say, "Well it's just a little weird, you know that all the streets here aren't like Aunt Cookie's street. Like how her block has kind of big houses with front yards, those houses look like all of them are two stories, but where we're walking now."

I stop, knowing I don't want to say the houses here are not as nice or big, but I don't know how to say it without sounding mean.

I hear him exhale, feeling him putting his fingers through mine, feeling my smile seeing those little kids I can see playing on their porch, and hear him say, "You mean these properties aren't as spacious, possibly with no backyards, smaller front yards, and all one story houses, which means they have one to two rooms at most, and based on the people we have seen so far, are owned or rented by blacks."

I exhale, passing the little kids, seeing them look up at us from their game, and I wave at them.

I see the little girl wave back, feeling my smile, and say, "Well yes, and these houses are nice and big enough but it would be nice to know every little kid has a room for themselves, specially girls because I just think we need to have a room for ourselves when we're, you know, teenagers."

I inhale, not thinking about that, being a teenager and living with him, locking my door when I would change, not knowing why I would do it but doing it anyways, wanting to think about something else, and say, "Why is it like that? That the houses on Aunt Cookie's street are different?"

I look up at him, trying to focus on this, what we're talking about, see him inhale, looking forward, and he says, "It has to do with history, a history of racism in this country when the government had the opportunity to invest here, black neighborhoods, and chose not to because they didn't see a profit coming from investing in blacks or they simply didn't think we were worth it or, more precisely, based on the overt racism that had followed slavery that most still remembered and believed in, including those in government, thought we were somehow less than whites, not worth a single dollar, far less worth the thousands of dollars it would have taken to build up this community with businesses, well-built houses, properties blacks and anyone that wasn't white could afford through affordable loans, loans that were not given to blacks, including veterans like Grandad, and it's taken almost a hundred years for us to start moving up from the degradation that was slavery, the laws, state and local ones that the government did nothing about for decades after slavery was abolished, to finally be at a place where people like Aunt Cookie could buy a house, a black woman buying a house on her own, where she saw the degradation around her house and called the mayor's office to ask them what she could do."

I see him inhale, feeling that squeeze in my hand, and he says, "They told her she could file a request to have the mayor's office look into the potholes, the graffiti, the trash, the infestation of rats, the poorly built properties around her house, but it could take several months, possibly longer seeing as it wasn't a priority where lives were in danger."

I inhale, seeing that almost angry look on him, and say, "But Huey that's not true. What about the rats and how little kids could get bit by them and get sick and the potholes, what I learned in Ms. Reed's class, how older people could trip on them, fall and get really hurt, and then the trash and graffiti and I read that graffiti makes more graffiti happen, and," and I see that face and feel him kiss me.

I let go of his hand, bringing my hands up, putting them in that hair, kissing that face because I haven't done it in so long, and hear him say, "I want to have you alone."

I exhale, moving away, opening my eyes, seeing that look, that look, wanting to drag him into a room, any room, and I hear something cute.

I look over at where I heard that sound, see that little girl again, the two little boys she was playing with behind her, feeling my smile, and say, "I'm sorry can you say that again?"

I see her nod with her mouth open and she says, "'Kay, said we ain't never see you."

I nod, feeling my smile, coming down from my tippytoes, turning to them, and say, "Well that's because we're visiting from another state and my name's Jazmine, what's yours?"

I stick out my hand, see the little girl look down at it, feeling my small smile remembering at her age, I think ten years old, I was already used to shaking hands with adults but that's because I think at my school they made us do that, argue about stuff with our teachers, kind of making us think about what we were arguing about, how we were defending ourselves, so we wouldn't be afraid of adults in school because they were our teachers and they were supposed to be there to help us, and then even seeing my mom arguing with my teachers if she thought I deserved a better grade, seeing this little girl with that pretty shiny dark skin looking at my hand, those long braids ending in those pretty beads, and I say quieter, "I promise I don't bite and I like those your cute beads."

I see her look up at me, see her smile, and feel her put her tiny hand in mine, and she says, "Thanks, um, I'm Talia."

I exhale, feeling my smile, letting go of her hand, and say, "That's a really pretty name and it still sounds strong."

I see her smile get bigger with her blush and hear another voice say, "Tali gettin' late, get moving."

I look up, see that boy looking at me, thinking he might be a teenager, and hear the little girl say, "Mani we only here cuz you wanna see who she is and cuz you know Lani likes him and think you like her, Jazmine, and mama say don't be rude."

I see his eyes get big, hearing the other boy snickering, see him look down at the little girl, blushing, I think embarrassed, and he says, "Ain't even like that and hurry up cuz ain't waiting on you to go play."

I can help it, hearing them talking, hearing someone else laughing, hearing them arguing, all three of them, and I start laughing at how cute they all are, seeing that boy, Mani I think, tell that other boy to stop laughing at him, and feel a tiny hand grab my hand.

I look down, see the little girl smiling at me, and she says, "Mama says to say 'nice to meet you' and that's my brother Armani and ma cousin Luther, and I got my sister but she ain't home, and I like."

I see her stop, see her looking at me, I think at my face, see her smile, and she says, "Mani said you got pretty eyes but I like color you made your hair cuz know it's like mine when my mama takes off my braids cuz she said can't be there too long or they mess up my hair, but I like when I have my hair with no braids and don't care Mani says I look like a bush, like your hair you made yellow, pretty, and I 'on't even care, cuz think Mani likes your hair too so he lying when he says ma hair's a bush and I'ma take out my braids and he can't say nothing."

I feel my mouth open, hearing that other boy, Luther I think, laughing harder now, and see someone grab the little girl's other hand, pull her, and see her walking away, being pulled by her brother I think, seeing her waving at us, hearing that other boy, Luther I think, telling her brother that he got burned by his little sister, and hear her say from a house down now, "You'll come play if you see us at the courts!"

I nod, knowing my mouth is open, thinking about what just happened, meeting her, Talia, meeting her brother, I think his name was Armani, and her cousin, I think Luther, because they wanted to know who we were, how she thought I colored my hair, maybe because to her, to them, I look more black than white, maybe because I like my hair soft like my grandma, and today I have it down with just a clip keeping it out of my face, and exhale, knowing, just knowing for sure, and hear that voice say, "You grew up where you grew up, there's nothing wrong with it."

I nod, not know how he knew what I was thinking about, trying to not sniffle or cry seeing those three little kids, two teenagers I think, a little girl that thinks I dye my hair maybe because I don't look half white to her, maybe I just look like a black girl with dyed yellow hair and maybe colored eyes, maybe contacts, remembering looking up Africans with colored eyes, how they do exists, they do, knowing, looking up how not just Africans from Africa but other people in the world that are mix like me have colored eyes too, knowing, remembering for some weird reason that one name, that name they made up, knowing, swallowing, that dumb, stupid, name, saying I was Irish and I was black, knowing, because I had green eyes, not blue or brown ones like a lot of kids at my elementary or middle school, knowing, I had green eyes and I looked different, green eyes like some people that are Irish have, had fluffy big hair, maybe lips, I don't know, things that made me look part black, knowing, knowing those racist kids didn't come up with those names by themselves, they had to hear them at home, maybe talking to their parents about me, knowing they did learn those horrible names at homes because only adults could come up with those kinds of names, talking to their parents about kids at school that were not like them, knowing, being in the girl's bathroom, hearing them saying it over and over, knowing, looking it up later because I didn't know what it meant, that paddy was what they called Irish people, because of my stupid green eyes, not blue or brown, stupid green eyes, and because I did look black, too black, hearing them saying it over and over in the girl's bathroom:

Stinky paddy nigger, stinky paddy nigger, come out and play stinky paddy nigger, stinky paddy nigger.

I inhale, feeling tears at the corner of my eyes, seeing those little kids disappearing around the corner, and see that chest.

I feel him hug me, smelling him, hugging him back, moving my face over that chest, feeling my smile again, and say, "I'm sorry Huey, I shouldn't have thought about that, but I'm fine, I promise, just, maybe, no."

I exhale and say, "No, I just know for sure, I know, it would've been nice, better than nice, to grow up where I wasn't so, you know, different, maybe somewhere where they thought I was black and dyed my hair."

I feel that chest exhale, feeling him moving my hair from my ear I think, feeling that face in my neck now, wondering how much he's bending down again, trying to get on my tippytoes hugging that hard torso, and hear him say, "You would've been different here, there, anywhere, especially because that kind of racism doesn't leave when racists pieces of shit move away or die, it stays in the institutions they've built, and there would have always been some fucken racist protected by that institution that would've said something to you, trying to put you in your place, trying to put a black, brown, mix woman in her place, and you would've fought it in your own Jazmine way, not fighting multiple idiots, that includes racists girls, in those schools but until you were ready, which you are now, but I'm still not letting you out of my sight here, there, or anywhere you happen to be, now stop making friends at every corner or we'll never get to that store."

I exhale, knowing these were the first little kids we talked to but I did wave at some older people we saw walking, and he just said I would've been different anywhere.

I inhale remembering Huey, Riley, Caesar, and Hiro last year in Aunt Cookie's backyard when I was taking them lemonade and heard Huey say I was different, thinking, knowing that my life would've been different here, somewhere where I wasn't so different, it would've. Maybe living here I wouldn't have cried as much, maybe I would've had a little bit more self-confidence, maybe would've known more about my culture, but regardless of what world we would've lived in, whatever world we were placed in, these fundamental pieces of our relationship would've remained the same, Huey and me.

These pieces that makeup our relationship would've always been carved out perfectly, like how much I like to have him hold me, naked or with clothes, every day, feeling him, and say, "Okay bestie, let's go, and I'll remember in your own very Huey way you just told me I would've always been different no matter where I grew up because racism is everywhere and there would've always been some racist jerk around, and I can handle lots of jerks at the same time now, kicking all their butts, probably even making some of them my friends later, and I can probably even handle walking into dark allies."

And I feel that bite on my neck, closing my eyes, trying to not moan.

God Black Jesus when can I have him alone?


I feel myself blink, look over at him, see him looking at those potatoes, and say, "Aunt Cookie made that happen?"

I see that cute smirk and he says, "She organized a group of those who wanted to see those changes happen, some who wanted to see some of those problems solved, by going door to door, with some talking to her because they knew she had just moved there and attended their church."

I see him exhale, knowing how he feels about church, how he won't go into one because he doesn't believe in what they believe and I think because he knows too much history that he's just not okay with a lot of religions but specially Christianity, and I go up and kiss that cheek.

I come down, see his smirk again, making me smile, and he says, "She had them sign a petition that included a statement that said if the mayor did not fix that street, first by removing the graffiti and enforcing the city rules as in having the residences' garbage picked up weekly, which would take care of some of the infestation problem, and second by finding a way to give affordable loans to the families that were already there so they themselves could fix their own homes, the people that had signed that petition, some Mexicans and Puerto Ricans Aunt Cookie said, both a large community in other areas of the city, would use those connections to those larger communities to make sure the mayor wouldn't get their votes during the next election and they would also go to their local news station to expose how backlogged the mayor's office was with those requests from citizens wanting their streets cleaned, most of course coming from neighborhoods occupied by blacks and browns, and the mayor's response to that petition, their requests, and their warnings, was to go ahead with those warnings and see how far they got."

I inhale, see him turn away from me looking up, and say, "But Huey then why," and I see him face me, see him come down, blink, seeing that cute smirk in front of me, and he says, "I'm not done Jazmine."

I nod, see him stand up straight, see him turn away again, walking away, and hear him say, "Jazmine."

I shake my head, trying to not think about how cute his smirk is, following him down one of the aisles of this store, Mitchell's Grocery, such a nice store, with everything you could need for cooking a whole dinner and even a butcher in the back, and an actual Mr. Mitchell at the counter that said hi to us when we walked in, and I hear that monotone voice say, "A week later, as Aunt Cookie and her neighbors were preparing to go down to their local news station, Aunt Cookie said she got a call from the mayor's office."

I see those shoulders come down, like he's exhaling, following him down another aisle, and hear him say, "She said it was the mayor's secretary who called her that day, apparently to apologize for the last call where they had told Aunt Cookie to go through with their warnings, and that secretary also said the mayor's office would agree to everything Aunt Cookie and the rest of the those who signed that petition asked for."

I see him stop and see him turn to look at a section in front of him, I think at honey.

I see that plastic bag with the sweet potatoes he's holding, grab it from him, tying it, and say, "But how'd that happen?"

I look up, see him looking at a honey jar in his hand, see that cute smirk, almost sexy, a little, with how serious he looks, and he says, "That secretary asked Aunt Cookie if by agreeing to all their demands she could have those letters, over thirty by then, ten more on their way, threatening to expose the mayor's extramarital relationships with men, which were of course unfounded, stop."

I exhale, remembering something Shabazz said, and say, "Huey?"

I see that smirk turn to me, feel my eyebrow rise at how cute he really does look holding that honey jar with that smirk standing here in the grocery store with me, even if we've gone to the grocery store so many times, but he just looks too cute in that white shirt and that sweater I got him, and he says, "And that is how it is that the street, the entire block, where Aunt Cookie lives doesn't have graffiti, if it ever does have any it's cleaned up within days, all by the city, has no abandoned or dilapidated houses, and the houses that are there all have two stories, because apparently the owners of those houses, all who chose to sign that petition and received affordable loans also chose to construct second stories to their houses if they didn't have them already, or possibly used the money to fix their yards."

I exhale, feeling my smile, thinking about that, how cool that must've been, going from house to house, asking people to sign that petition they were going to send to the mayor, house to house, and feel my forehead scrunch, thinking about those houses we passed by walking here. So many smaller houses that were really close together with front yards where we saw little kids playing maybe because their backyards were too small to play in, remembering Huey said they maybe don't have backyards or have really small ones, I think, and say, "But why, you know, those houses on the way here, why didn't they get that too?"

I see him nod, see him exhale, looking away, maybe annoyed, and he says, "Aunt Cookie said when she was going door to door, only some would talk to her, even if she was a black woman like many of the people that answered their door, and they would tell her they didn't want trouble with the city and didn't want to have anything to do with it. It was."

I see him stop, see him shake his head, scrunching that forehead, and I move my right hand up, touching that forehead with my thumb, and inhale, seeing him turn to me, looking at me with my hand on his forehead.

I move it away and he says, "No, just. It's fine."

I smile, holding the bag of potatoes with my left hand, stepping up closer to him, and move my right thumb over that forehead, seeing him looking at me with those pretty burgundies, a little darker than they should be right now, but maybe, maybe they're that color because he's really happy, I hope.

And I see him exhale, a long exhale, and he says, "Aunt Cookie said it was aggravating, that they didn't want to even hear her out, afraid that the mayor, the city, the damn police would show up, all because they asked for anything, even if they had to continue dealing with those streets that would damage their cars, spending money on fixing them, which of course leads to a hell of a lot more money on maintenance, the infestation of rats bringing sickness, leading to more infestation, the kind that we make sure to deal with at the shelter every damn month because it's necessary not only to keep up with city protocol but more so for the health of the people that stay there, the kids that stay there, and."

I see him exhale, seeing him close his eyes, moving my thump over that forehead in the shape of that grass that Tamera likes to color in her drawings, thinking about the shelter, Tamera, Tia, Mr. Willis, everyone, happy thinking about them, and hear him say, "And so, Aunt Cookie being who she is asked the mayor's office if they could at least ensure that for those surrounding streets the trash is picked up as it should be, same with fixing their streets when they needed fixing, removing any graffiti at least every few months, and if those people eventually went to the mayor's office to ask about those loans they would be made available for them too, things Aunt Cookie still keeps up with she says when she visits other families that live on those streets that have since gotten close to her, and all of that, not getting more, because we won't ask for more, we won't say what we want because we're afraid of being too outspoken, too angry, asking for too much, living the way we should."

I exhale, massaging those eyebrows, that face that's too beautiful to be my boyfriend, see him open those eyes, feeling my small smile, knowing, and say, "And Aunt Cookie did all of that, made it happen, asked for what she needed, with help from her neighbors asking for things they needed too, but Aunt Cookie was the one that started all that, after everything she's been through, she made that happen, and that's your aunt Huey, where you come from, so I know you'll keep making things happen too, and I'll help okay."

I see him exhale, seeing those pretty eyes blink, and he says, "I will never understand how you see that much in me, regardless of how much I do, knowing how this world works, and still you see that much in me, have that much faith in me, if that's what it is."

I smile and say, "It is faith and hope Huey, both okay, and you don't have to see it or why or how it all works, you just have to trust that I know you through and through, okay?"

And I hear him say it, feeling my smile get bigger, and tell him I love him too because I do so much, and I hear him tell me he's getting me a jar too.

I look down, feeling my eyebrow rise, a little confused, seeing that jar, the label on the honey jar he's holding, remembering he gave me one of those jars to make his mom's tea back at home, remembering he said he ordered them online.

Mitchell's Sweet Honey.

I exhale, turning to that section, seeing that honey, grabbing one, holding it with my arm that's holding the bag, and hear him say, "Jazmine I said I'll get you," and I say, grabbing the second one, "No bestie, it's okay, I can get them, mom gave me money, and I love this honey on everything, why we've been out for a week before we left, so I wanna take one to make your mom's tea, another one for me to put on toast and everything while we're here, and you're taking two so we can have them in your house, and," and I feel that hand on my chin, feel him turn me, and feel those lips kiss me.

I exhale, trying to not think about dragging him anywhere, after everything we talked about, family, strong women, how he helped them, remembering Shabazz saying Huey wrote letters to the governor back at home about a gay lover so he wouldn't get put to death that night, how much of a good person Huey is and doesn't know it, how much I want to help him see it, trying to remember we're going to be good, we talked about being good, even if I really want to drag him away to have him alone, knowing on the way here we agreed again, like we did the first night here, that we're just going to kiss until we're back home in Woodcrest, and I feel him move away.

I open my eyes, see that smile with those eyes shining a little from the sun hitting them, and he says, "Fine, take as many as you want, I'm paying, and know that Aunt Cookie always has extra so use the one she uses for tea or anything else you want, and when we get back to the house remember to put these in your luggage so you won't open them while we're here, until we're back in Woodcrest, because I don't want you thinking about back home, I want you here, with me."

I smile, kissing those lips again, knowing we are here, and we're going to keep learning about Aunt Cookie, how we can help in every way we can, getting to know Chicago, and just having fun.


I hear him say, "A'ight, I'ma go check if they ain't out in ten."

I exhale and say, "Not yet Riley, let them have at least the two damn hours they wanted."

I hear him exhale and hear him say, "Damn McHater, whatever's man, I'ma still check in ten."

I inhale, reading again about the state of the economy being in ruin, still utter fucken ruin, and hear him say, "Why they need so much damn time? Ain't like it's Aunt Cookie's."

I look over at him, see him going through his phone still, exhale, and say, "Did you not," I inhale and say, "See them walking in with those cleaning supplies, the bedsheets, and everything that got delivered to the house yesterday?"

I see him exhale, see him look over at me, knowing it has been an hour and half, I've checked all my emails, went through the new posts, sent several emails, and researched some of the places we talked about, and now I'm trying to focus on today's national news to not focus on having been in this car for an hour and a half with him, hearing him complain every fifteen minutes, every damn fifteen minutes about how long they're taking, even if we stayed after the delivery truck came and went, because we wanted to stay close, very damn close, coming downstairs only after that truck left, being in this car with him for an hour and a half, and now he's complaining again, this time because they're taking too long in there when it's not Aunt Cookie's house.

I feel my eyebrow rise, possibly surprised, annoyed, seeing that damn look I've seen on my idiot brother only a handful of times, that look of annoyance and anger, that damn look of jealousy on my younger idiot brother, and say, "Are you actually jealous that they're in there preparing their apartment, only the basics of making the beds and cleaning it, even if we both know the place looked clean when the delivery truck was dropping off that rented furniture, because it happens to be someone else's apartment, not Aunt Cookie's house, even if the apartment is for Leo and Caes?"

I see him exhale, see him look down at his phone again, and he says, "Don't be talking shit McHater, and yeah I knows who's pad that is, Leo who be like some kinda dad to 'em, and Caes is fucken Caes I know that shit, I do, but ain't mean I gotta be cool with her cleaning a fucken house that ain't their pad or Aunt Cookie's where we all staying, specially cuz you know, you know, no matter how much they take care of her ass, C-Murph ain't gotta do that shit back when."

I exhale, seeing him scrolling through this phone, not having said anything for the last ten seconds, after not finishing his sentence, exhale, and I say, "You mean when she lived with the people that neglected her, led her to being emotionally stunted, and the reason she possibly acts like Jazmine's younger sister when they're the same age, those people that gave her shelter, clothing, schooling, and little food from what Jazmine says, in a house where from the descriptions she's given me there were so many needles with and without drugs Cindy could have easily sold them and made a business out of it, but apparently, from what I've heard, she never touched those needles, was maybe too busy to even consider that, having to deal with that house, the little food, lack of supervision, and possibly, from what Jazmine tells me, is also where Cindy learned to clean, by herself, in a house full of needles, maybe because she needed something to focus on rather than on her own reality, and now she gets to do that, cleaning the house where she lives with Jazmine and Sarah, Aunt Cookie's house, Leo's old apartment, no longer alone but with Jazmine and Sarah, possibly right now, if they're being who they are, enjoying themselves, and you're saying because Cindy didn't have to clean a house when she lived with those people because they were well-off she shouldn't be cleaning a house, any house, right now with, for all intents and purposes, her mother and sister? Is that what you're saying Riley?"

I see him lean back on the seat, closing his eyes, hearing him exhale, and hear him say, "Fuck you McHater, don't be putting words in my mouth, ain't say all that. I know C-Murph was a'ight, fine, when I was too fucken busy to take care of her, I know, and I know she ain't have shit to eat sometimes, wouldn't eat too cuz she ain't wanna keep ordering food and just wanted a fucken hot meal from her folks, a warm homemade meal and shit, and she just did what she did, got her shit done, with me leaving her hanging, not even telling Jazzy how bad it was for real 'til later and then Jazzy making C-Murph eat at her pad 'least once a week so she'd make sure she'd eat homemade food, all cuz C-Murph ain't wanna bother no one, not even Jazzy and Ms. S or that little bitch that lived there, no one, so she ain't say nothing, how bad it was, to no one for too damn long, and now, now."

I see him exhale, waiting those ten seconds, and see him not finish his sentence again.

I look back at the today's newspaper, knowing he'll talk if he wants to, and I hear him say, "Now, just wanna give it all to her. Don't give a fuck how pussy whip that sounds cuz she 'ready gave my ass more than what I deserve way I left her for years, fucken years, not dropping my ass like she shoulda, just let me come 'round when I was ready, and I just don't want her cleaning no houses, just her own pad, Aunt Cookie's if she wants and shit, and want her to leave all that shit back where the fuck they left her, alone, in that fucken house, with no power when it was cold as fuck she says, just covers and shit, and want her to leave all that shit back there and not be missing nothing, no homemade food, people cleaning for her, none of that shit, only cleaning when she wants to cuz that's C-Murph and she cares too much, like Ms. S and Jazzy, and I ain't jealous C-Murph cleaning Leo's pad, I mean, just some, ain't lot, just some, but for real it's 'bout her not having to do that shit, only if she wants to."

I exhale, feeling my smirk, looking over at him, and see him looking at his phone again.

I inhale and say the truth, "With your talents, on the court and on a canvas, you won't, but get there first and in the meantime don't get jealous over stupid shit that's just going to piss you off, put you in one of your damn moods that she has to deal with, possibly, more than likely, cause problems between you two, and let her clean Leo's or anyone's house she wants to, waiting for her outside to finish if that's what you want to do rather than just dropping her off, and maybe, if you're not such an idiot, before any of that, stop focusing on back then, what she did and didn't have back then, and focus on what you can give her right now, such as not being in a fucked up mood when she comes down because you were jealous, knowing she's probably like Jazmine and will know you are in one of your damn moods, which will fuck up the rest of her day."

I see him exhale, see him looking at his phone, possibly still scrolling through his pictures, possibly acknowledging that I curse with him the most, possibly because he's my brother, and I see that smirk, knowing that look, the one where I know my brother's going to say something idiotic, and he says, "Love you too man and thanks."

I feel my eyebrow rise, feeling my smirk, and hear that sound.

I look up at the passenger window, see the window come down, knowing them well enough, and I nod at them to acknowledged them.

I look back down at the newspaper, seeing the Dow Jones went down, again, another indicator of how great the people that run this nation have been doing, running it into the ground, not doing their fucken job to keep us stable, all that is necessary so the poor, the disenfranchised, the ones that suffer from racism at work and on the street every fucken day can continue moving up, slowly, too fucken slowly, but moving up, trying to find that hope, that hope that is too far away from me right now on the top floor of that apartment complex, hearing them talking, my brother's friends who are also black and disenfranchised in more ways than they know, his friends that showed up to the barbecue last year, and I hear him say it.

I look up at him and hear my brother voice my thought, "The fuck that bitch say?"

I exhale, not necessarily caring what he calls that girl, but maybe, possibly, annoyed that hope, that Jazmine head, is getting to me, not being completely fine with describing women like that.

I see Raymond exhale looking at my brother and he says, "What I hear' she be askin', if we know when your assess be here and to tell her ass if we see you and she'll pay, and tol' her I ain't no snitch to the police or no one, fuck that, and we all knows she only wanna know that shit cuz she thinks you'll related to 'em blacks with money and we 'on't give a shit if that's true, you Aunt Cookie's family, all we know, all we care 'bout, and I tol' her black ass best lose ma number or I'ma send my girl to fuck her up at her rich ass school and I 'on't give a shit how much money she got cuz we all knows she crazy as fuck, all us know, and she ain't even got money, folks she related to gots that money and she just crazy, shit, hear' she still owes some niggas for some work, shit they did year ago, and she ain't ever pay cuz ain't no way to make her pay, and only way she pay is with her ass but some ain't want what, want what she owes, money."

I exhale, piecing it together. When we sent those emails, when Raymond said he got the call, knowing it was weeks after, so she must've not known at all, not one damn bit, possibly just guessing at us coming and how she could get that information, even if that meant paying someone to access those emails to get any information on us coming, possibly calling only some that she knew would either agree to the money, maybe getting their phone numbers through others, and say, "Did she say how she got your phone number or if she contacted anyone else?"

I see Raymond look at me, see him smirk, and he says, "Mother fucker your ass keep sounding more like next black president every time I see your big ass fucken afro and nah man, don't know how she got ma number and I ain't ever do work for her ass befor' either, but shit load got ma number cuz I 'on't fucken care who got it so the bitch gots it from somewhere and she ain't say if she called 'nother nigga cuz I told her to eat shit, never call ma black ass 'gain, and hung up, and then had to tell ma girl to calm the fuck down and cuz I don't even know that bitch and if she calls ma ass 'gain she can go fuck her up. Fuck that bitch. Black like us and acting like she betta cuz people she related to got some money, money they ain't ever use to help the hood, and her skinny black ass coming 'round giving jobs where she ain't even pay, all cuz she knows we ain't got no way to make her ass pay. Fuck her."

I nod, feeling incrementally better knowing some are close enough at least to my brother or just know she's not completely sane that they won't take her offer to spy on us or do whatever it is she wants, possibly also because now she has a reputation of not paying, other than with herself, which doesn't put food on the table for those that did any jobs for her, but then there's that fucken idiot I'm sure did give her information, that idiot she would have paid because he's possibly not that much a fucken idiot and asked for the money first, that fucken idiot that I know still, still fucken wants what's mine, knowing that feeling, that damn energy, and look over at it.

I inhale, seeing him, wanting to fucken kill him for possibly ruining what was supposed to be a fucken vacation, a good damn vacation, a vacation that had started off well, and feel that hand on my shoulder.

I nod, seeing them talking, seeing Dewey, who Jazmine said has been more than cordial and who I've appreciated at least once recently, tell that fucken idiot that they don't need to be here or tell Dolores anything and they should just go.

And I know Dolores knows, she knows we're here and she knows Jazmine, her sister, and her mother are here, and she knows where we're staying, either because she paid that fucken idiot and he took the money back in Woodcrest or she paid him here after he told her we were coming or she might have someone else spying on us here, right now, no longer caring how she got that information because it's not important even if I'm still going to at least have some change their email addresses and passwords, because I just need to focus on taking care of those that mean something to me, remembering an African man saying something about me having extra sensitive abilities to detect energy, possibly more, possibly detect the truth, knowing I do not believe in magic even if it comes from our ancestors, I only care if it helps me reach my goals, one of them being keeping those that mean something to me safe, and hear one of the guys Raymond was with say something about those two girls and their mother who they saw at the barbecue at Aunt Cookie's last year, and I look over at the entrance of that apartment.

I get out of the car, closing the door, walking to them, see that white spot on that small nose, possibly some kind of cleaning powder, walking to her, exhaling seeing her smile at me, getting to her, seeing that afro in that bun that's falling off, getting to her, hearing my brother behind me, go down and kiss her.

I feel her inhale, tasting those lips I haven't tasted since this morning when we first woke up, and kissed some, not enough, some, because it had been days, days of not tasting her after that day walking to the store, letting myself be the hormonal teenager I am when we're alone, not giving a fuck feeling happy being this damn close to her, after all we've been through with idiots back at home, knowing at least for as long as we were here she was safe, other than from an immature and possibly crazy girl I would protect her from, knowing they had just left for that walk, getting on that couch under that cover with her, seeing that face, and then going down to that neck.

I kissed that neck, smelling her, felt those hips in my hands, hearing her moan, getting harder with that, knowing we had ten minutes at most while Grandad, Aunt Cookie, and Sarah were out on that walk, using that time to taste her, getting hard over that soft stomach, hearing her saying my name in that way, covering her mouth, feeling that thick leg over me, that warm center, moving over that warm center, and hearing that gate open, groaning, cursing at the entire world but her, as I got up, and walked to the bathroom so I could go take care of that problem, not wanting them to see exactly how happy I was for those few minutes.

I pull her in, wanting to feel those hips in my hands again, hearing possibly her sister's cackles, possibly my brother's, and hear a voice say, "Son we should probably get in the car."

I exhale, moving away from her, knowing I'm holding that soft face now, seeing her as red as I like to see her, feeling my damn smile, and then I remember who's on the other side of this fucken street.

I see that worried look on that face, exhale, and hear my brother way, "Hey, got some friends wanna meet you'll again and you'll should get in the car on this side. That alright Ms. S?"

I see that soft face come up, feel that kiss on my nose, and see that smile.

I hear her mother say she'd love to talk to his friends again and hear that voice that I want to hear moaning every morning I wake up here and possibly much longer say, "Come on bestie and don't worry, no matter what it is, between you and I, all of us now, we can handle anything okay?"

I exhale and say the next truth for today, "That Jazmine head, I know, but you're staying next to me on this side of the street or you know the consequences."


I hear the ring, hear the call get picked up, and hear her say, "Hi girls, how's Chicago?"

I smile and hear my sister say, "It's all good Monica and like you said we tol' my big bro and Riles they ain't allowed to call 'til later and we'll tell 'em how it is there."

I start laughing, remembering us kicking them out of the kitchen into the backyard, hearing them say they would go back there to train while we called, hearing Monica and my sister laughing with me, and hear Monica say, "That's great Cindy. Thank you and yes, tell them dad's doing great, better than that knowing they're taking a break, all of you are, he is taking his medications every day, including the new one for his heart condition, walking up and down the hallway with my babies, oh, and do want to facetime or just talk?"

And I hear us say, "Facetime!"

I hear Monica laugh and hear her say, "Good because they want to see you too, let me take the phone to them, and we'll call back."

I nod and say, "Thank you Monica."

I hear her say, "Of course and we miss you both."

I hear her hang up, exhale, and put my head on that shoulder.

I feel that kiss on my head and hear her say, "Only been week and a half and I miss my baby and all those questions 'bout animals can't even answer."

I exhale, thinking about them, their awesome questions, how they smell, and say, "Me too and I specially miss how they smell."

I hear her giggle, feeling her shake her head, and hear her say, "You gonna be such a mom sis."

I smile, seeing the shadow of that tall boy in the backyard, hearing him tell Riley to be faster, hearing something hit something else, and hear Huey say 'better'.

I start giggling with my sister say, "Well, first let's make sure they don't beat up each other too much with that kind of training."

I hear her laugh, feeling her nod, feeling my smile, and see my phone light up.

We both grab it, laughing at it slipping from our hands I think from the lotion on our hands we put on after cleaning the bathrooms and the kitchen, and see her hold down my phone, and I press the green button.

I see that face, exhale, missing her, and see that other little face under her, hearing them asking us where is Chicago and how far is it and when we're coming back, laughing with my sister.

I exhale, hearing another voice, another voice I haven't heard since we left Woodcrest a week and a half ago say that we can't hear them if they're talking at the same time, feeling my eyebrow rise, and say, "Is that Zari?"

I see that cute face nod with that smile and Tamera says, "Yes Auntie, Zari and TT and me were reading, but TT was coloring first and then she's gonna come read."

I smile and hear my sister say, "Where's my lil' one and what she coloring?"

I see that other cute face move up from under Tamera, then see a blank page cover her, and hear Tia say, "Auntie Cinny I color unicorn with yellow hair and I'm um, mommy said we're riding and playing."

I laugh hearing Zari say to remember their mom said to move back or we can't see the picture, hearing them moving the phone or the page, hearing Zari say he'll hold the phone.

Then I see it, that pretty unicorn with light blue jeans, a dark blue muscle shirt I think, two yellow braids coming down, and big blue eyes with a big smile she drew, and a little girl with brown wavy hair in two braids, a pink shirt, and blue pants, on top of that unicorn.

I exhale, wanting to laminate it, and hear my sister say, "TT I want that picture and you saving it for me! And then want you to draw 'nother one but with all of us 'kay, later, but save me that one cuz it's gotta be prettiest picture ever, 'kay?"

I see that picture come down, see that big smile on Tia, seeing her smiling up at the phone I think because Zari who's that much taller is holding the phone, and she says, "Kay Auntie Cinny, I save it and give to mommy, and I miss you."

I exhale, hearing my sister sniffle, and hear her say, "Miss you too lil' one and make sure you ain't getting punked at school or anywhere by no other lil' kid or you let me, your Auntie Jazzy or your uncles knows and we take care of 'em 'kay?"

I see her nod with her smile and then see that cute confused look.

I hear my sister say, "TT why you make that face? Who punking you and I'll be there today, tell your Auntie Cinny."

I see that face look to her side, I think at someone, and she says, "Um, Tam Tam?"

I feel my eyebrow rise, hearing that exhale, seeing that phone move down a little, and hear that voice say, "TT it's okay, okay, nothing bad happen and it's okay."

I inhale and say, "Tam Tam?"

I see that phone moving, see Zari for a second, I think looking mad, hearing the phone being put on the table, seeing the ceiling of the kitchen at the shelter, and hear Zari say, "Tamera told you that's a lie, you not telling 'em, and he ain't your friend no more, Tia and me, your friends at school, those your friends now, not him, so stop doing that."

I hear my sister say, "What's happening there and why you ain't telling your aunties what's going on?"

I hear that inhale, hearing the whispering, not liking this, knowing something's really wrong, and say, "Zari I want you to get the phone and give it to Tam Tam please, no arguing okay?"

I see that hand, see the camera being covered by that hand, and hear the whispering with Zari telling someone to not lie to family.

And I see that cute face again, feeling my smile, seeing her looking kind of serious, maybe looking guilty, like she feels bad, see her exhale, and she says, "Nothing bad happen Auntie, just that he said a bad word and I told him what you said, that bad words make your brain mushy and not be saying bad words to my best friend and then he said that wasn't true, he says bad words all the time and his brain not mushy and Zari's not my friend and I only think all that stuff because I'm, I'm."

I see her exhale and hear Zari say, "Tamera."

I see her look up from the phone, see her exhale, and she says, "But Zari nothing bad happen and I told him you're my best friend and mommy says it's okay we don't go to same school and you're my best friend and then."

I see her exhale, seeing those eyes getting watery, and say, "Tamera look at me okay?"

I see her look at me and see her exhale, seeing her eyes getting even more watery, not like that day when she cried because Zari and Pete almost got into a fight, but still watery.

I see her swallow, see her nod, and she says, "Okay Auntie, I'll tell you, so I was playing with Zari on the swing and he was pushing me and I told him to push me more and then I got a lil' dizzy and Zari stopped pushing and I got off the swing and then Zari went to get me water and then Pete."

I see her exhale, see her inhale, seeing a hand on her shoulder, and hear Zari tell her to sit down.

I see her nod, see the phone move, see her wipe her eyes and swallow, seeing her cute face again, and she says, "And," sniffle, "Pete came to the table I was sitting, one in the backyard, and said that Zari wasn't my best friend and I told him he was and he's my bestest friend forever and," sniffle, "And I always wanna play with him and then he, he," and I see her close those dark pretty eyes and see that tear.

I inhale, knowing, and say, "Tam Tam look at me, please?"

I see her exhale and see her open those big eyes, not saying anything.

I exhale and say, "Is that when he said the bad word? And don't worry you don't have to tell me what it was okay, just tell me if that's when it happened?"

I see her nod, seeing another tear coming down her face, hearing that inhale, see her look over to her left, and she says, "Zari stay, pretty please?"

I hear an exhale and see that little head go under that chin, seeing Tamera put her head on Tia's head, hugging her I think with her other hand.

I exhale and hear her whisper, "I'ma fuck up a ten year old when we back."

I exhale, happy they didn't hear that because my sister's trying to be quiet, massaging her hand, and say, "Tam Tam if Pete said a bad word, one that's so bad you're feeling like this, you need to tell your daddy."

I see Tamera look at the phone again, see her eyes open, and she says, "But Auntie Jazzy then Pete gonna get in trouble."

I exhale and hear that voice say, "So, get what he deserve."

I see Tamera turn to look at my sister with those watery eyes and she says, "But Auntie Cindy nothing bad happen and I told him I got dizzy and got off the swing and Zari went to get water and I was better, lot better, and then he said I shouldn't play with Zari and I told him he's my best and I wanna play with Zari and then Pete said he's not and the."

I see her stop, see her exhale looking down I think at Tia, and hear my sister say, "Lil' one can you hear me?"

I see the phone move, see Tia turn around, see those big eyes, that cute face really up close to the phone, and hear my sister say, "Lil' one think it's time you check on gwanpa to make sure he's walking like he supposed to."

I see those eyes open and she says, "Auntie Cinny but Tam Tam sad."

I hear my sister say, "'Member what I said 'bout big sister's lil' one and go check on your gwampa 'kay?"

I see Tia blink, see her nod with her smile, and see her move out of the picture.

I see Tamera again, see her exhale, and she says so quietly I feel myself move up, "Okay, TT left so her brain won't get mushy."

I see her exhale and she says, "Pete, um, Pete, he."

I see her exhale longer and she says, "He said the 'F' word."

I hear that inhale from my sister, feeling my eyebrow rise, remembering hearing Riley and Grandad saying it sometimes but I was already ten, Tamera turned nine at the beginning of this year, and I think I even heard those kinds of bad words a few times before Grandad, Huey, and Riley moved here, but Tamera and Tia I think were raised to not say those things ever, both of them being such good little girls, I'm sure never hearing those kinds of words at home or at school, maybe hearing them only on TV, and hear that voice say, "Can't beat him cuz he's not saying nothing right now but next time I'ma sock him and can't stop me Tamera."

I see Tamera look over at where I heard Zari, wiping those tears, and she says, "No Zari," sniffle, "Please no and I told him he can't say that and he said that to you and I got mad and told him he can't say that to you cuz you're my bestest friend I came to get you because I wanted to find you and you let me hug you and got water on your shoe when I hugged you and I'm sorry."

I see those tears start, sniffling, wanting to hug her so much, feeling that small strong hand massaging my hand, and see Tamera's cute face disappear.

Then I feel my eyebrow rise seeing that black shirt, a black shirt I think Zari's wearing, hearing clothes moving, seeing only that black shirt now, and hear in between sniffles, "Please, pretty please Zari, I wanna play more, not get in trouble, and I said you're my bestest friend and I wanna play more and I'm sorry got water on your shoe and then you," sniffle, "You waited with bathroom door open singing the Barney song and you stopped telling me that you wanted me to tell my daddy and I don't want you to fight and get in trouble and then TT came and hugged me and I cleaned my face like Auntie Jazzy cleaned my face and then we started reading and TT colored and I wanna go play basketball with you and TT and Nillan and I want you to read cuz you read the bestest of anyone and I wanna be your best friend forever like my aunties and uncles, please don't go, please, please," and I hear that big sniffle, hearing the shuffling of clothes, seeing my eyes getting blurry even if I'm smiling at everything she said, how someone said something mean to her, she went to look for someone that cared about her, then washed her face in the restroom of the shelter like I did for her last time while Zari sang her favorite song outside of the restroom I think, then they went to the kitchen to color and read, seeing only that black shirt, trying to dry my eyes, and hear Zari say, "Not going 'way Tamera and don't cry cuz I tol' you I don't lie no more."

I blink, hearing a door open, I think here in the kitchen, and hear a cute voice through the phone say, "Zawi Nillan gonna fight Pete cuz told Nillan Pete punked Tam Tam."

I feel my eyes open, hearing the moving, and say, "Wait, Tam Tam where are you? Who's Nillan?"

I hear clothes moving, see a little ear, and hear Tamera say, "Auntie Jazzy going to backyard cuz Zari's little cousin's gonna fight Pete."

I inhale and say, "Tam Tam get your daddy, get your daddy!"

I hear her, "Okay Auntie, gonna get daddy."

I nod, feeling better, and hear my lovable sister day, "Tam Tam, 'member to tell your pop's what Pete said cuz you gotta take care of TT, 'kay?"

I hear the moving and hear her say, "Daddy, daddy, they're fighting in backyard cuz Pete said 'F' word and I'm sorry didn't tell you cuz didn't wanna get no one in trouble but then TT told Nillan and Zari went to," and hear Frank say, "Baby stay here."

I hear the shuffling, hearing the footsteps I think of Frank running out, and hear Monica say, "Dad I'm going to go help with that many kids back there, please stay here."

I hear that long exhale from Tamera, hearing those footsteps I think of Monica running out, and hear that warm voice say, "Come here Tam Tam and you tell your grandpa everything that happen and then help me walk down that long hallway because I was just too tired when TT asked me few minutes ago but now I feel so much better, but tell your grandpa everything first."

I hear that exhale, knowing she's probably still feeling guilty even if she shouldn't be, and say, "Tam Tam it's your grandpa and no one's going to get in trouble okay, just tell them because that's the best way to protect all of them okay?"

I hear her exhale, hearing the noise I think of her nodding, still seeing that ear on the phone, and hear my sister say, "We'll call laters to check on you'll okay Tam Tam?"

I hear her say, "Yes Auntie Cindy and I love you aunties."

I nod and say, "We love you. We'll call later."

I see that finger press the red button, hear the exhales, and hear my sister say, "Damn, that's some shit."

I nod and hear that voice say, "What time are you calling them back?"

I look up at him and feel my mouth open seeing he took off his sweater, I think because it's hot outside, and he's wearing that faded Jimi Hendrix T-shirt with no sleeves, not knowing where he got that T-shirt but wanting him to take it back home with us so I can lick that stomach when I'm taking it off, licking that, and I shake my head seeing him taking a drink of his water bottle, and hear my sister say, "One, we said later big bro, and two, you taking that jersey back with us, got that Riles?"

I look over at Riley, feeling my eyebrow rise seeing that black and red stripped Bulls jersey with the number twenty-three he must've been wearing under his sweater, see that smirk on him looking at my sister, and he says, "A'ight, but you taking it off."

I hear that groan, sounding annoyed, look over at him, and see him walking over to me.

I see him get to me, trying to not look down at that shirt, feel him grab my hand, and hear him say, "Not here Riley and we're going for a walk while you two get that out of your system, and remember everyone's home."

I feel my smile, standing up, and follow those broad shoulders out of the kitchen.

I see my mom and Aunt Cookie in the living room knitting and hear Huey tell them we're going for a walk and we'll be back in ten minutes.

And I feel my smirk following those broad shoulders, now that he's not looking at me, and I can stare a little.

I see those muscles on those arms, that darker skin he has from training out in the sun here, wanting to take off that shirt when we get back home, even if I'm really excited right now, feeling the warm sun, walking to the gate, so excited to get to know the neighborhood even more.


I feel those kisses on my neck, smelling that hair in my face, knowing I heard that gate close, I think, and I open my eyes.

I see that hair and then see that face and those eyes, remembering how much time we've spent together, walking around the neighborhood, just us two, going to Mr. Mitchell's and Mr. Pete's grocery store to get stuff to make dinner, walking to the courts, seeing little kids playing there, seeing my sister and Riley playing basketball with little kids there, watching them show those little kids ways to get around other players and take the ball without it being called a foul or touching the other players, seeing those little kids ask them if they could show up again and seeing my sister smile and say they'd try to come back on the weekend, knowing she wanted to spend time with Riley at home, playing Xbox games, watching movies, I think talking about plays for their teams, and I think talking about other stuff, like Huey and Riley's parents.

Huey.

I put my arms around him, tasting that tongue, wanting to open my legs, feeling those rough hands under my shirt, on my stomach, going under my waistband, stopping, hearing him groan, knowing he's trying to be good, he is, and I am too. I'm trying to be good, really good, tasting him, holding him, putting my leg over that hip, feeling how hard he is, trying to be good, talking about so much, just us two, how he doesn't want me or my mom or my sister leaving the house without them, telling him I don't want him or Riley or anyone leaving anywhere alone either even if he said he changed the alarm, has the alarm set to be really loud, with those thick bars on every window, thick like him, feeling that cock, telling him I want to come on him, feeling him holding me too hard, not caring, knowing I'm top of him I think, over this cock, too wet, everything is too wet, hearing him call me baby, shaking, moving faster I think wanting to come, and hear that gate.

I inhale, open my eyes, and see him exhale. I feel him shaking, seeing that lust in those eyes, knowing I need to let go of him, I do, and hear them talking, hearing my mom saying something, like how pretty the garden we've been helping with looks now.

Huey.

I get up, shaking, holding that rough hand, and hear him say my name.

I walk to the bathroom, holding that hand, shaking a little, open the door, and feel him walk in with me.

I hear him tell me he wants me to stay and I close the door behind him.

I look up at him, see that look, and go up and kiss him.

I put my arms around him, tasting him, feeling those arms hug me, feeling that hard chest, hearing voices, I think my mom, Grandad, and Aunt Cookie going up the stairs, hearing them being quiet, I think because they think we're sleeping in the living room, knowing they trust me, they trust Huey, and they won't look into the living room until they know for sure we're awake.

They trust Huey.

I move away, see that look in those maroons, the one I like waking up to because it makes me feel special and it makes me feel like the day's going to be awesome, and I see him come down.

And I inhale, seeing him looking at me, feeling that forehead on mine, seeing that kind of sleepy smile that makes me want to kiss him even more right now, and hear that rough morning voice of his say, "Morning Jazzy."

I smile, seeing those maroons in that darker color I really like, that maroon I love, and say, "I love you."

I see him exhale with that smile, knowing I have to remind him, I have to remind us, and say, "And they trust us, they trust you Huey."

I see him exhale again, see him move away, and blink, feeling him kiss my forehead.

I see him come back down, feel that forehead on mine again, seeing that full smile now, knowing I want to see it always, so much, even if it's just us two alone in Aunt Cookie's downstairs bathroom, and hear that softer voice say, "And I trust you and will be thinking of you while I take care of this problem, while you make some of my mother's tea since I don't need coffee anymore, if you will, and then I'll make breakfast for the house and don't argue with me on this because it's going to be a long day for you and you'll need your energy. Do you agree?"

I nod, knowing it's going to be an awesome day, not long, just awesome, but he's being too cute wanting to make breakfast for the house just so I can have my energy, making me not help with the cooking, and I do want to make some of his mom's tea for me too, and he said he needs to take care of a problem and he'll think about me while he's taking care of it, feeling my eyebrow rise, and say, "What problem do you need to take care of?"

I see him exhale with that smirk, see him stand up straight, and feel that poke.

I look down at it, see it, seeing it, kind of, maybe wanting to put it in my mouth to help him, remembering where we are, shake my head, and look over at the door.

I grab the doorknob, turning it, and walk out, closing the door behind me.

I exhale, knowing my face is so red, remembering he said he trust me and he said he'll be thinking about me while he takes care of that 'problem'.

Black Jesus when can I have him alone again?


I see it, that small smile, feeling that excitement, and say, "Tell us."

I see her big pretty smile now, see her nod putting those layers behind both her ears, and she says, "Yeah, it's been fucken great. Met up this morning, still can't believe all of that happened, how none of them told me what was going down, just Michael telling me over and over that he was gonna be here and to just show up when I was supposed to, then showing up at the airport and seeing him and Uncle Leo there."

I see Ming giggle, seeing her get red, and I start laughing with my sister.

I see Ming nod and she says, "So, my parents and Michael and Uncle Leo all tell me right then that we're all coming together, got on the plane, my parents knocked out like they ain't got no worry in the world and I'm freaken the fuck out."

I smile, see her exhale with that pretty smile, and she says, "So we land here, had to stare down some hood rats that kept looking at my man at the airport, like what the fuck that's all about? Like ain't it supposed to be 'bout getting off the plane, getting your shit, and getting the fuck outta the airport, 'least last time I checked? And then you get these skanky hoes not letting people off the plane checking out my man and Uncle Leo and my mom had to hold me down, dumb bitches."

I nod and hear that sweet deep voice say, "And then you get off damn plane and you still gotta show 'em what's up in the damn airport, like you ain't see their eyes going all over damn place looking at your man and I'm trying to not get a record here cuz ain't trying to not make it to the NBA and can't have a long ass record following my ass, but skanky skinny white bitches," and I say, "Sissy."

I see those blue eyes look at me, see her smile with her blush, and she says, "Thanks sis, love you, um Mimi's."

I see my sister look over at Ming and she says, "Yeah, so um, can't be cursing too much here cuz Aunt Cookie ain't cool with it and yeah, I mean she won't say nothing 'bout it cuz she's real cool like that but still we gotta watch it lil' bit."

I see Ming nod with that open mouth, see her smile, and she says, "Talking 'bout Aunt Cookie, what you'll tell her 'bout me cuz when we all got here she hugged me like I'm part of the family?"

I smile and say, "We'll tell you later but she kind of asked about what's been going on since the last time we were here and we told her about school, how you two help Ms. Lola in the office, how amazing our women's basketball team is, and all of that made her love you already, and Caes is just another nephew to her so she's gonna love you she said, and you can tell her anything you wanna tell her about you and Caes but tell us more."

I see her nod, see that big happy smile, and she says, "'Kay, so we got to the hotel we staying at and there in the lobby."

I see Ming stop, see her exhale looking at Aunt Cookie's house behind us where we can hear them all talking, knowing we put our chairs a little closer to the back of the backyard so we could be in the sun and talk for a little bit.

I see her smile at Aunt Cookie's house, blinking a little, I think happy, and she says, "First thing she did was hug Michael like there ain't nothing more special in the world, like he her sun and her moon and her stars and she cried hugging him."

I smile, feeling my eyes getting watery, feeling that strong small hand on my hand, and see that soft blonde head lean on Ming's shoulder.

I sniffle, see Ming sniffle, see her look back at us with those watery eyes and that smile, hearing us all sniffle, and she says, "Then after whole minute of hugging him Michael said it's only been a year since she seen him last when his uncle and him went to Jamaica and then Uncle Leo told Michael to stop acting like a baby when he was hugging his mom too, not letting her go."

I can't help it and I start laughing thinking about that, hearing my sister and Ming laughing too.

I see Ming nod with that smile and she says, "So then she let go of Michael, hugged Uncle Leo, and then she looked at me."

I see her exhale, see her look away with that small smile, and she says quieter, "She just looked at me, like she was just looking, not saying nothing, not looking mad or nothing, just looking at me, making me all nervous cuz she'd seen me before in pictures Michael sent her, but she just kept looking, and then she said the pictures and what Michael said didn't do justice or something like that, and I was not just a pretty girl, you know."

I see her exhale, looking away with that red face, and she says, "But like, I was beautiful."

I exhale and hear us say, "You are."

I see Ming look at us, see her smile and roll her eyes, and she says, "You'll know I ain't even care long as I feel good 'bout me and Michael gets ha."

I see her stop, see her exhale, and we all start laughing, knowing what she wanted to say.

I see her smirk looking down at the ground, I think still embarrassed about it a little bit, and she says quietly again, "Yeah and, damn, we can't even do that while we're here cuz it's just not okay you know. How you'll doing it? You know, not doing it?"

I exhale and hear us say, "It's hard," hearing my sister curse with that, and we all start laughing.

I see Ming exhale with that smirk and hear my sister say, "'Kay and then wa happen? You'll talk or ain't talk alone yet?"

I see Ming look at my sister, see her nod with her smirk, and she says, "Wells, my parents and I checked into our room and then."

I see her exhale with that smile and she say, "Then my parents wanted to rest from the flight and I knew Michael and his mom needed to talk so I told them I'd see them later and let them hang out and Ms. Amancia said she wanted me to come along and shit."

I see Ming inhale, see her exhale, hearing my sister giggle, and she says, "Damn, gonna have to get used to not cursing for a minute. 'Kay, let me start again, my parents went to rest and whatever's, I wanted to give Michael and his mom time to chill, and then his mom, Ms. Amancia, who I ain't calling Amancia no matter how much she ask cuz it's rude and that's his mom, she said she wanted me to come and hang out, so."

I see her exhale and she says, "Dropped off my things in my parent's room, kissed them and told them I'd catch 'em later, and Ms. Amancia, Uncle Leo, Michael and me took an Uber to their apartment, oh and that was nice, you'll made it look perfect and Ms. Amancia loves you two for cleaning it after I told her you'll made sure to scrub it down even if that manager said she cleaned it before."

I smile and hear my sister say, "Was nothing Mimi's and you know when we got there and looked 'round we knew it was gonna take a good scrubbing down cuz I've seen dirty and could see dirt on those windows, corners, nasty, and I know for sure that manager didn't clean and our mama said same thing."

I exhale, rolling my eyes, remembering that manager, and say, "Even if she did say she cleaned it, looking at us like she was mad just because we were there with the extra key pop's gave mom after he got them in the mail, and I mean I know she was being nice letting pop's use his old apartment while we're here so he won't have to stay at a hotel but it's not like anyone was using it and mom said pop's is going to pay rent and everything for it, and then while we were trying to tell the people from the furniture company where to put the stuff that lady, the manager, said she knew where all the stuff should go because she's been in that apartment when our pop's was living there a lot of times, and our mom told her even if that was true pop's already told her that he didn't care where the stuff went and wanted her to put the beds and drawers where she wanted, and then that lady asked mom how close her and pop's were."

I see that black pretty eyebrow rise and she says, "And wa happen, shit, I mean damn, left my notebook at the hotel, but I'ma add this to my story anyways, what that hood rat, I mean bitch, what that bitch say after your mom told her Uncle Leo's her man?"

I smile, shaking my head, hearing my sister laughing, and hear my sister say, "Think hood rat betta than what you be calling her Mimi's but first our mama told that skanky chicken head that how close our pop's and her are ain't her damn business and she don't care how knows where to put the furniture in that apartment, if she been in there a bunch of times when she ain't supposed to be doing that cuz she's the manager and our pop's was renting, even if our pop's did let her in ever, cuz as the manager she supposed to know to not have that kind of relationship with people she be renting to, and she betta not find out she stopping by to ask for no sugar or cream or nothing or even check on our pop's cuz she's gonna be 'round and she ain't gotta know what she does for a living but she will sue her for sexual harassment and it be specially bad if she doing it to someone she's renting to and told her to get stepping."

I see that mouth open, see that surprised look on her pretty face, and I start laughing, putting my face in my sister's shoulder, laughing, thinking about that day, how I heard Riley laughing, looked over at them, and saw Huey with that cute smirk looking down at the newspaper he was reading leaning on the wall of the hallway and Riley in front of him laughing so hard he was holding his stomach, and then I heard that manager walking away, stomping her heels, not saying anything to my mom or us anymore.

I exhale, remembering after that we told the people from that furniture company where to put everything and then they left. Then Huey and Riley said they would let us clean for the two hours we thought we needed and then would check on us, telling us to lock the door and use every bolt even if the apartment was quiet and looked really nice and it was the middle of the day because they didn't know the neighborhood well anymore. And we locked the door, used both bolts, and then cleaned, listening to my mom's old R&B music on her phone, singing to one of my favorite singers ever, remembering meeting him when I was ten and Tom making it all about him getting into a fight with Usher, remembering feeling so embarrassed and horrible about that, and shake my head, not wanting to think about that.

And I hear my sister say, "Then after cleaning, came down, saw the guys talking to some old friends, and."

I hear her stop, look over at her, and see her looking at me.

I exhale, remembering, and say, "And we saw Cairo and Dewey."

I hear Ming say, "The fuck?"

I look over at her, see her cover her mouth, and she says quieter, "The fuck? What, are, those two, wells, what the hell is that man whore and the half-homie doing here?"

I exhale and say, "I don't know, probably visiting family like I told Huey and," and I hear my sister say, "Sis, we knows he might be here for that but we also know he ain't have to stay there the entire time we were saying what's up to those old friends and then getting in the car, waiting, like he was trying to make sure he knew where we were and what time we took off."

I exhale, nod, looking away, and feel that hand.

I look up at those dark eyes, see that smirk, and she says, "And we talked 'bout this Jazzy, I remember, what that man whore told your afro last time we went to the mall, how that bitch that lives here called him, and how if it was true, any of that, her paying him for anything and her not wanting you here all cuz she wants money from some fucken family Michael said your afro and Cin bear's Riles ain't fucken related to, they ain't, then let it happen, let all that shit be true cuz it don't matter, we're here to have fun, only that, 'kay?"

I exhale, feeling my smile, knowing she's right, feeling those arms going around me, putting my head on that shoulder that smells like coconut, and hear my sister, "And I tol' you Jazzy boo that day we saw 'em, that it really don't matter, cuz this time we ain't letting Riles and my big bro hear stupid shit from no one, that stupid fucken bitch that said anything about Riles and their mama, their mama that was a saint and never asked for nothing from that shitty family, we ain't letting Riles and my big bro hear any of that shit 'kay and we've only been having fun, walking 'round the streets here, owning this shit, making cool ass lil' friends and now Mimi's and our big bro with dreads here too and shit's just gonna get betta, so much fucken better."

I nod, feeling those other arms around us, putting my face in that shoulder, missing another set of arms, and hear Ming say, "And let's keep having hella fun 'kay and I still wanna tell you'll after Ms. Amancia said how much she loved how you'll cleaned and set up the apartment we all sat down and she told Michael she'd been thinking 'bout it, what Uncle Leo and Michael told her 'bout Mr. Samuels and that asshole, and she thinks Michael should talk to him, even if I still think Michael ain't related to him and he's gonna have to eat dirt before he ever sees Michael 'gain."

I feel my eyes open, letting go of my sister, and I look over at Ming.

I see her nod with her raised eyebrow and hear my sister say, "The fuck?"


I see those pretty eyebrows rise and she says, "So is Caes gonna call, you know, him?"

I look over at Ming, see her purse her lips, shake her head, and she says, "Not right now he said, but you know how he is, he's gonna be thinking 'bout this 'til he decides to do it or not to do it, no matter how he looks okay on the outside, like right now, I just know he's thinking 'bout it."

I look over at Caesar and see him hit that fist, really, really hard, cringing, hearing all of us cringe, and hear that monotone voice say, "Good! Next hit to my shoulder and do not miss!"

I see that fist go up to that chin and I turn away, hearing that hit, the sounds, hoping Riley's okay after I saw him messaging his shoulder from the last hit Caesar gave him before he sat down to take a break.

I see my friends and sister exhale and hear that small voice say, "Well I have a feeling it's gonna be okay, at least here."

I look over at her, feeling my eyebrow rise, seeing that pretty face looking at the ground, and say, "Laurie?"

I see her look up me, see those hazel eyes get watery, see her shake her head with her smile, and she says, "Everything's okay Jazzy, you know it's cuz I'm on my peri," and I say, "No Laurie, you don't get like this on your period, you get a little emotional and you need hugs but you don't cry, so what's wrong?"

I see her inhale with her eyes getting even more watery and I go in and hug her, feeling my sister hugging us, then hear that chair move up and feel Ming hugging us.

I hear the guys training, talking, my mom, Grandad, pop's, Caesar's mom, Ming's parent, and now Lauren's and Hiro's parents all talking inside, how great this feels, all of it, hearing them laughing, all of them, happy they sound like they're having fun, hearing Grandad say, "And that's when JZ came into the room tellin' me I couldn't drink Cristal and I said Grandad bitches Freeman drinks whatever damn hell he," and I hear that voice say, "Robert, dear lord, how'd I get stuck with such a foul mouth brother, and don't be talking like that in this house. Lord help me with my dumbass brother who I'm 'bout to drag out of this house if he don't clean up that mouth."

I exhale, giggling, and hear Grandad say, "Well Ms. Lola thinks Grandad bitches Freeman talks just damn fine, even said she'd tell JZ I can drink all that good Cristal I damn want, who you'll know ain't nothing but a damn fool anyways going messing 'round on Beyoncé. Shit, you find one that willing to marry your black ass after all the dumb shit we do when we young, clean and cook for our lazy asses when we wake up with a foul mood, making sure we taken care of and still looking like damn sunshine every damn day, and you don't mess 'round on that, you be grateful you found one, and you be good to her, be a good man, like I told my late son who took after me he did, did well that boy, what I try teaching those misbehaved big headed loud mouths out there cuz I ain't want them ending up 'lone, like you'll know JZ gonna end up when those kids get old and Beyoncé remembers who she is, can have any damn nigga she wants, and leaves that fool Ms. Lola said, what she says she teaching those lil' babies in backyard. Shit, and Grandad bitches Freeman ain't lying 'bout none of that you hear."

And I hear a few people, I think all men's voices, say, 'Damn right', 'Ya que', and 'Dui', can't help it but start laughing, hearing them all laughing, hearing Aunt Cookie telling Grandad to stop it even if she's laughing too, feeling us all laughing, and exhale, hearing Lauren laughing too.

I pull away, see her wipe the tears away, smiling at the ground, knowing something's wrong say, "Laurie, tell us, please?"

I those hazel eyes look at me, see her exhale with that small smile, and she says, "Jazzy you know you never have to say please, it's just."

I see her exhale and she says, "It's just that family stuff, well, the sister stuff that I don't like talking about because I still think people don't wanna hear it but I was actually really happy when I saw you all because I was waiting to tell you and I didn't wanna do it on the phone because I missed you all."

I exhale, putting my arm around her, seeing my sister putting her hands on Lauren's hands on her lap, and see Ming move her chair back and sit on the ground, putting her hands on Lauren's knees looking up at her.

And I hear Lauren start laughing, making me smile, hearing my sister and Ming laughing with her.

I see Lauren shake her head, see her exhale, and she says quieter, "So."

I see her exhale, see her put her hands on top of Ming and my sister's hands, feeling that head on my shoulder, and hear Lauren say, "So, my parents had already told me we were gonna come, be here, and then go see my grandparents, like normal for summer vacation, but then they told me they got a call from her, my sister, well, my step-sister."

I nod, moving my hand over that arm, trying to remind her she's here with us, and hear her say, "And my mom said she talked to her and my step-sister said she wanted to see us, I guess not just my dad, but all of us, and they told her they'd go see her before going to go see my grandparents, and they asked me if I wanted to go."

I hear her inhale, feeling her shaking her head, moving my hand over that arm, and hear her say, "I said no, I told them I don't wanna go, I don't, I don't wanna go, I don't wanna go there and see her or my cousins, I don't, and I told them if they did go after they left here I'd just go back home and I'd be okay by myself and I would even go volunteer at the shelter and call them every day but I wasn't gonna go to Florida, I'm not gonna go, I'm not gonna," and I hug her with both arms and say, "You're not gonna go Laurie, okay, or we'll hide you here, somewhere."

I hear her exhale, feeling her shaking, knowing she's really happy now, I know she is, and she doesn't think about that anymore, where last time she talked about it, last year, she cried a little in the bathroom with us, but then never talked about it again, almost like she was trying to not think about it, thinking about us as her sisters, and I close my eyes, putting my head on that head and say, "We're your sisters Laurie, no matter how many step-sisters or no step-sisters or other sisters or brothers you ever have okay, we're your sisters."

I feel her nod, feeling her I think moving down a little, maybe getting comfortable, and hear that sweet deep voice I love say, "You still smallest one so we hiding you in our luggage."

And now we're all laughing, hugging her still, feeling better hearing her laughing, so much better.

I hear Lauren exhale and hear her say, "Thanks Cin bear but I don't think we'll need to," and I hear that voice says, "Babies?"

I let go of Lauren, look over at her, feeling my smile at that pretty dress she's wearing, a yellow one that reminds me of dresses she likes wearing that fit her really nicely and flare out at the bottom, wearing cute yellow sandals with it, remembering for some weird reason a red dress, a dress I haven't seen in a long time, I think one she wore for their anniversary when I was ten, but this dress has white straps over her shoulders with little yellow flowers covering those straps, kind of remembering that was the last time I saw that red dress or her wearing anything that showed that much of her body, maybe like even back then, before things got really bad at home, she thought she had to dress like that because at least since he moved out I haven't seen her dress like that at all, like maybe she never liked dressing like that, with that red strapless dress, and he made her dress like. No Jazmine, stop it.

I shake my head, hearing her, trying to understand what she just said, feeling my smile coming back thinking about what she just said, and say, "What mama?"

I see her turn to me, see that pretty smile, and hear my sister and Ming saying, "Oh my god! Oh my god! This is awesome! Oh shit! We gonna have so much fun! Oh my…"

I smile, feeling Lauren hugging me, laughing, knowing this is going to be awesome.


I grab that hand, run over, hearing her laugh, and I point at it, way too excited and say, "Look sis! That's it! That's it! I told you! Isn't it awesome!"

I hear her laughing, see her bend down, seeing her reading the placard, and I bend down, reading it too, and exhale, feeling way too happy and excited, being here with her, knowing this is where I'm going to be, with her, with them, nowhere else, and hear her say, "Cool as fuck sis, so they wore this for like what, when they'd do what kinds of rituals?"

I smile, putting my arm around her, having fun already, and say, "I don't know but I read a little bit about it after that first time I came, read a little bit about this one and other masks like this one and on some websites they said they know they came from Sierra Leone and they know they were used for rituals that girls would be part of because of how small the masks are and how the masks have that hair design in those pretty waves in circles but."

I exhale, remembering those websites and what they said, and say, "They're not sure what they did in some of those rituals but you know, some websites said they were used in rituals where they would maybe circumcise girls."

I hear her inhale, nod, looking at it, focusing on this day, this great day where we're having fun, holding her, looking at that mask, but not really wanting to remember that stuff either, what I saw online about circumcising girls, women, when I was looking up African rituals for girls, happy we don't do that here, no matter how horrible this country can be, but scared that stuff still happens around the world in some places, even where some girls do want it, knowing I need to read more about it so I'm not so closedminded about other cultures no matter how much I don't understand some of the things they do, those cultures our ancestors came from, knowing I am going to keep reading about them because those cultures are really, really important, and I hear my sister say, "Ain't that some shit they only do on guys, you know when they're like babies and shit?"

I exhale, nod, and hear her say, "And Jazzy, um."

I look over at her, see her look away with that dark eyeliner, that light blush, that cute red lipstick mom told her to try today so it could match her cute red cardigan, her white T-shirt, and that cute dark blue jean skirt and white old school lace-up sneakers, showing how fit and pretty she really is with those pretty blonde waves that pass her midback, feeling my smile, seeing her getting red, kind of like she's embarrassed, hoping she's not thinking about anything bad, feeling my eyebrow rise, and say, "Sissy?"

I see her exhale with her smile, looking away, feeling my smile that she's smiling, and she says, "Laters sis, nothing bad, just something that gotta do with the guys, wells, our guys, good shit 'bout our guys, I guess."

I nod, feeling my smile, seeing that pretty smile on her, liking how nice it feels when she says that, 'our guys,' feeling that hand on my shoulder, and hear that voice say, "Damn so these were in Africa too?"

I look over at her, feeling my smile seeing her, seeing that hair up in that high half ponytail with that antique brass pin she likes using on special days, feeling my eyebrow rise, remembering what she just said about what we're looking at, and say, "Wait Mimi, do you mean these were somewhere else too?"

I see her nod with her red lips open, feeling my smile that my sister I think is more okay with makeup because of my mom and Ming, Ming with that dark top eyeliner, no blush, red lips, dark yellow dress with those blue triangles, a spaghetti strap chiffon dress she said her mom bought her for today, and those cute white sandals, not believing she said she thinks she's just okay with how naturally pretty she is, seeing her looking at that mask I like so much, and she says, "Yeah, wells, 'least they look like them, fuck they do. In China my parents would take me to a museum and I remember these big ass masks there, bigger than I was for sure, looking up at them thinking they were gonna fucken eat me, but they look like this one a lot, like maybe peoples back then in China and Africa were all thinking the same thing about masks, but I ain't care 'nough when I was little to read what they were for so I don't know if they were used for the same thing people in Africa used them for, but these still cool as fuck."

I feel my smile, happy it's today, shaking my head at how much they will always sound alike, and feel those arms go around us.

I look at my other shoulder, see that pretty face between my sister and me, see that dark eyebrow rise looking at the display we're looking at, and she says, "'Kay, I want to know about that mask too but first I have a surprise for, as Cin bear says, our little crew."

I turn around, feeling Lauren let go of us, and see that pitch black hair down, thick like she didn't put any mousse in it today, with those two black clips holding it away from her face, remembering how her hair is just like her mom's when she doesn't put anything in it, wavy and thick, seeing that light purple eyeshadow, light blush, and Chapstick, with that cute light purple dress that makes her look like she could be part of one of those marches I would see in documentaries on civil rights movements I would see Huey watching sometimes, with that white belt in cute white flowers around her waist and those white vans with tie-dye colors that match her light purple dress and white belt, feeling my smile, hearing her say it, and say, "Wait, what Laurie?"

I see her smile at me, hearing her say it again, and hear them, those voices, looking over at them, feeling my eyes get big, seeing them walking in.

I start walking to them, hearing my sister and friends running, running to them, happy I'm wearing my new black vans today, happy it's today, not knowing they would be here, so happy, seeing my sister and friends get to her and hug her.

I get to them and hug her over their arms, hearing the laughing, hearing us ask her when she got here and how long she's going to be here and if she wants to stay at Aunt Cookie's and we missed her.

I hear her laugh and hear her say, "We got here last night, wanted to surprise you all, and don't worry I'm staying with some relatives so I'm okay but I want to have fun today and see it all because I always wanted to come here but never could, so let's go."

I nod, letting go of them, remembering she said she hasn't been here so she hasn't seen it, and I grab her hand.

I start walking over to it, hearing her laughing with everyone, way too excited, wanting to cry because I'm so happy, sniffling, sniffling because I'm happy, no matter what I'm happy, and I get to it, point at it, and say, "That's my favorite mask in this whole room, it's called a bundu mask and," I sniffle and I feel Hiroko hug me, hugging her back, and hear her say, "I'm so happy I'm here Jazzy."

I nod, trying to not cry because I'm so happy we're all here, right here, not anywhere else, just here, and say, "Me too Hiroki, me to, so much," and feel those arms going around us, knowing we're trying to not cry but I think we're going to cry, a little, and hear that voice say, "Huey where the room with guns and ammo and shit!"

I hear that annoyed exhale from him, hearing the guys laughing with Riley's laugh over everyone else's making me laugh now, and feel that hand on my lower back, on my sweater.

I inhale, hoping what I'm wearing, something different today, something I wouldn't wear a lot, a soft black leather skirt, fake leather because buying real leather is murder, that's a little tight, with a cute pink cardigan, a white spaghetti strap, and my black vans that I wanted to wear so this outfit would be cute and not too sexy, my hair down and fluffy holding it down with my two braids, is an outfit he kind of likes, a little.

And I hear that monotone voice say, "We only have so much time so," and hear that voice say, "But you do have more than enough time for me, now I want a hug from both my sons, my other two wandering sons that I would hear about when one of the two older ones had to leave that day if one of those two was in trouble, again, Riley and Hiro, and do not think I've forgetting about that time you two came, were involved in that fight with a group of teenagers and then ran off before I could catch you two, and I want to know who that young man that should be watching his language at a public museum is, and I want to meet all these young ladies, and you all have more than enough time for me, and thank you Jazmine for keeping your word, which I expected no less of, ensuring to bring me these two sons of mine, now I'll start with you Caesar, and remember to come down here because you boys have not stopped growing, and then I expect my hug from you Huey, Riley, and Hiro, and a thorough introduction to all these young ladies."

And I hear those groans I think from all the guys, hearing I think all the people in the Africa Speaks room laughing, not just us girls, knowing this is the best day ever because we're here, all of us, and it's going to be an awesome day.


I inhale and hear him say, "Fuck you Riley, ain't like I flew all men in black and shit here. Shit, my granddaddy didn't even let my ass use the jet, just private plane, but fuck, for Hiroko said I could take any damn plane but that jet being used by one of his businesspeople right now."

I exhale, possibly wondering when the hell this day can end, possibly one of the longest day I've had in some time, going through each room twice, coming back to this one they said, wanting to touch her, having her sister or one of her friends grab her before I could, only hugging her for less than fifteen seconds looking at that painting, the one I have a replica of at home, possibly feeling content seeing that painting and hugging her, putting my head on that afro, where she's safe, under me, feeling that afro under my chin, that afro in that hairstyle again, the one I haven't seen in some time, with those two braids on the side of her head possibly holding it down, watching that afro moving back and forth throughout each room, from room to room, seeing her kneel with her sister and friends to talk to that girl, a year older now, hearing that girl explain how her younger sister was asleep but they could see her, hearing all that girls make that sound when they saw that child asleep in her carrier, hearing that man from last year with his very much white wife, understanding how it was that girl looked like Cindy but had Jazmine's skin tone, having a white mother and a black father, hearing that man say his daughter had just fallen asleep, seeing that afro getting closer to the carrier to see that child, that soft afro, going down to that pink sweater I've wanted to take off for several reasons, one of those reasons being that skirt, that damn skirt that's making me lick my lips, seeing those hips, that bouncy ass, and inhale, feeling that cold bottle.

I grab the cold bottle from my stomach and hear him say, "Don't be giving me shit bro, you know you having fun today."

I exhale, seeing her jumping up and down, going down those long legs, getting to those shoes that possibly, because of the color or the shape or because I'm an idiot, make her feet look smaller, wanting to take them off, sit her on my lap, seeing those feet jumping up and down, and feel my smirk, my damn smile, knowing she's enjoying herself, she's enjoying herself, feeling my exhale, and say, "Yeah, I am."

I hear him exhale, seeing my brother and Ed walking up to them in the Songs Of My People room, seeing Hiro possibly explaining to Jazmine and her sister and friends that the blues came from the Mississippi delta, how it's not just music, it's a spiritual experience, it's another place, why people still listen to it, how the blues travelled outside of this country where others that were hungry and could not find work because of a system that had to do with family heritage could find solace in that music, how Koko Taylor started off from nothing, playing the blues on homemade instruments in her backyard, as I'm walking up to them, hearing the voices, seeing Lauren ask why the museum doesn't have more instruments here instead of pictures, hearing the voices, and seeing my brother say because pictures, photos, show the eyes and the eyes show what's inside a person, and hear Caesar say, "Alright, heard enough from here, and question one is what doesn't Hiro know 'bout music and question two, when the fuck did Riley get all deep?"

I exhale, shaking my head, getting to her, putting my face in that hair, inhaling what I know is peace mixed with history and what is my own damn happiness, hugging what's mine, what's safe, here with me, laughing, and hear myself answer Caesar, "Damn good questions."

I hear them all laughing, feeling her getting under me, like she did last night, like I want her to every night, and hear an inhale and hear her sister curse, which would be an hourly occurrence on a normal day, but then I hear that voice under me ask her sister what's wrong.

I look up, see her sister looking at her, hugging her closer to me, and hear Cindy say, "We leaving, you knows, for food and shit."

I exhale, finally feeling it, turning towards that fucken energy, and see him.

I crack my neck, knowing she doesn't need this, she does not fucken need this, not after yesterday morning, knowing I'm going to fucken kill him, and feel that soft hand on the back of my neck.

I exhale and hear that voice say, "No bestie, please, everything's okay. And we came like we said we were gonna come, no matter what, saw the whole museum twice because we were having so much fun running around okay, because we're here to do that, and we need to feed everyone now, so let's go, please."

I feel that body under me turning, feeling her holding my arms, focusing on that body, trying to not crumple that water bottle I'm holding, knowing she was enjoying herself right now, which she needs to do, she needs that, knowing that smell, her hair, is more than just particles, significantly more than particles going into my nose, because I'm not killing him right now, walking towards the exit of the museum, shaking some, letting her pull me towards the exit before I turn back to beat him until I see him bleed everywhere and those tickets we have right now will be useless because I won't be allowed back into this place and she is not roaming any place that late at night by herself, feeling that body staying under me, where she's safe, as we're walking out.


I exhale, knowing we're here, in this house, with the alarm on high alert, and everything is fine, most of everything is fine.

I inhale, reminding myself to leave instructions for Aunt Cookie so she knows how to set it to high alert, but right now I'm here, we all are, focusing on that voice, that voice talking, relaxing, and ask, selfishly, "What else did you talk about?"

I hear her inhale, look over at her, and see her grabbing that box on the floor.

I see those shorts move up over that ass and exhale, trying to have some self-control again, looking at those legs, those legs that should be holding me.

I inhale, look back at the couch, folding the next shirt, and hear her say, "Well, that was it at DuSable, just that Rummy is at home taking care of meetings that Ed was supposed to take care of but he couldn't because he's here, how excited Hiroki is about Kathy meeting Ed tomorrow, how long Ed and Hiroki are gonna be here, not long enough, but you know, Hiroki says she wants to finish college a semester early, something I didn't know you could do, so she's taking those summer classes that start next week, and then at the restaurant."

I hear that voice stop, moving those night shirts and socks she somehow managed to wash and dry for me in the morning before we left to the museum, as she's done several times since we got here, not hearing that voice, and say, "Jazmine."

I hear her exhale as I'm making room in my luggage for the clean night clothes, feeling my smirk knowing she must be annoyed, thinking about that look on that face, wanting to keep hearing that Jazmine head talk, knowing how selfish it is because she's also tired from much, but I possibly more than want it, I need it right now, have needed it, to hear her talk, and I hear that voice say, "And at the restaurant when we all got there and went to the restroom we, you know."

I hear her stop again and I inhale and hear her say, "I know bestie, you're trying to focus on me, but the only thing you don't know about is that when we got there and you guys were getting the table and we were in the restroom, we talked about how it would've been really bad if Rummy was there too because then it wouldn't have been just the guys annoyed, you really annoyed, Ed I know wanting to shoot something, but then Rummy mad too, all because Cairo showed up with."

I inhale, standing up from my luggage on the floor, focusing on the couch, that couch she should be sleeping on, here in Chicago, where I don't have every area mapped out, every corner, as places, stores, houses are torn down and replaced by other buildings, I don't have those idiots that possibly still follow him, the reason he might have known we were at the museum today, where she didn't need him, where she was trying to have fun, where that fucken idiot possibly had those idiots watching us, here in Chicago where that immature girl that I care nothing for, that girl I want to go away, like both those fucken families, are all here, and then there's the reason she did not sleep on that couch last night, because of that fucken disgusting piece of, and I feel that hand on my back.

I exhale, wanting her to stop giving me a warning and just fucken hug me at these times, when I'm thinking of too much, and I feel her hug me.

I feel myself breathe fully again, looking at the couch where if she chose to sleep again she would be safe because I would still be next to her and would ask her to keep her hand on me, wherever she wants, in my hair or anywhere else she wants, and I hear that voice say, "Huey, Cairo showed up with a girl, a girl, so he was there on a date with someone, and that's a good thing because it means he was there to be there and nothing else, like how we're here to have fun and be together with everyone, only thinking about that, no other stuff okay, not even why jerks were at the museum today, and since you're done with putting your clothes away I want you to help me with this box and tell me about it okay, please bestie, please?"

I inhale, feeling her hug me possibly harder, focusing on right now rather than everything else, feeling those breasts on my back, the ones I haven't tasted in too long, not for weeks, almost an entire month, feeling those long arms around my stomach, feeling my smirk that she is that much stronger, she is stronger than she was even last year when we weren't dealing with so much, last year when she came with me, and she's here with me again, safe, possibly feeling my smirk get bigger, and say, "Fine, but I still want to hear you talk, asking any questions you have. Do you agree?"

I feel her nod, feel her kiss my back, and possibly, maybe, feel my smile, grabbing my luggage and moving it out of the way.

I exhale, grabbing the box she asked me to help her with, pulling it towards me, feeling those arms letting go of me, possibly because of many reasons, even if it's something we should still discuss because of how close we are now, thinking about going to sleep having those arms hug my torso tonight, again, focusing on right now, looking at the box we're dealing with.

I look inside of the box and grab the first one, that smaller album.

So many damn pictures. I exhale, focusing, looking at these albums, being reminded of that project I never started because we sent her that smart phone, the project that was that camera from scratch, light enough she can carry and all the features she would want, seeing all the albums in this box, knowing how much Aunt Cookie liked taking pictures of our parents and of us.

I grab the cloth we've been using for this that she must've placed in this box, wiping off the dust that managed to get into this box, remembering Aunt's Cookie's color coordinating strategy, and say, "This one should have holiday pictures."

I hand it over to her, knowing her strategy, to go through it, asking questions, as it has been with every album since we started going through some of these boxes, focusing on this, enjoying this, wiping off the dust from anything we find in them and reorganizing them to make more room and consolidate everything into less boxes.

I grab the next album, hearing her open the one I gave her and hear her make that sound she made when she was looking at that child in the carrier, that sound she's made whenever she's looked at those pictures, feeling my smirk and my face getting warm, not caring because it's her, even if anyone could walk in on us right now, but it's only us, here in Chicago, feeling myself breathing, cleaning the next album, and hear her say, "God, you two are gonna have the cutest babies ever."

I feel my eyebrow rise, look over at her, and see her looking at that picture of us with one of those mall Santas with our parents behind him, Riley on that Santa's lap possibly about to cry, and myself on his other lap, smiling, actually smiling.

I exhale looking at that picture and say, "Why do you say that?"

I hear her giggle, look over at her, and see her shake her head.

I see that face look up at me, inhale, seeing those greens shining in my direction, that smile that belongs to me, that smile I woke up to this morning regardless of what's happening outside of this room, and she says, "Because you and Riley had to be the cutest babies ever, even when you were crying and specially when you were smiling so I know any babies you two have are gonna be the cutest babies ever, that's why."

I kiss her, possibly dropping what I was holding, putting my arms around her, and bring her into me. I put my hands in that hair, holding her head, wanting to hear her talk and tell me more, tasting her, wanting to have under me, where she's the safest, hearing her laugh and giggle and tell me I was cute when I was younger and how much she loves me, no matter how this world continues to be or changes, the idiots and disgusting pieces of shit out there, how we get shot because we were holding a sandwich or we get into ivy leagues because we got really fucken lucky or both, knowing I'll protect her from all of it, hearing her say she loves me, feeling those hands on my chest with that book or album covering those breasts from me, wanting to tell her the only reason I would ever have cute children would be because of her, and hear that voice say, "Night cutie pie."

I feel her move away, see those wide greens, and see her turn around, facing him, hearing that breathing she's doing, feeling my smirk, and hear her say, "Good night Grandad and please remember to tell us if you run out of anything no matter where we are."

I exhale at that Jazmine head and hear Grandad say, "'Course cute pie but you remember we're here for you all to enjoy yourselves and your mama and Cookie can walk down to the store with me if we need anything so you all don't worry and keep on having a good time you hear baby girl, you hear me?"

I feel my eyebrow rise, knowing at this point he uses those nicknames for Jazmine and Cindy interchangeably, feeling that afro under me possibly nod, knowing she must me smiling at Grandad who's reminding her to focus on right now, and hear him call me.

I look up at him, see him exhale looking at me, knowing he doesn't seem as stressed as he was yesterday but still not as content as he was before that or even before we came to Chicago, not singing his obnoxious songs, those songs about booties he likes to sing, and he says, "You remember day we talked 'bout coming, night we all decided last year, night your brother figured you both ain't as dumb as I say you are?"

I feel my eyebrow rise, remembering that night, the night Jazmine, Sarah, and Cindy were at our house to talk about coming here, last year, when Grandad possibly caught himself saying we were smart enough to watch Jazmine and Cindy if we came, and I nod.

I see him exhale, seeing that seriousness, feeling myself stand up straight for an inexplicable reason, possibly like I did when he was giving me permission to beat that disgusting piece of shit to death, the one I want to beat to death more so today, and he says, "You make good on what we talked 'bout that night 'bout hooligans here, crazy fools every damn place, you hear me boy?"

I inhale, knowing what those words mean, and respond, "Yes Grandad."

I see him nod, see him smile at that Jazmine head under me, and he says, "Same thing my other loud mouth grandson said who don't deserve you or the other baby girl and now I'm gonna go call Ms. Lola because I ain't talk to her since we left only because she said she wanted me to spend time with Cookie, and so you'll have a good night."

I exhale, seeing him turn, walking up those stairs, hearing him singing that song, that song about booties he hasn't sung since we left Woodcrest, possibly because of many reasons, and feel that bootie on my lap.

I inhale, look down, feeling her leaning on me some, that ass over me, licking my lips, wanting to grab her, drag her to the bathroom, and I see her turn around and look up at me.

I exhale, wanting to kiss her again, for so many damn reasons, seeing that smile, and she says, "Maybe, why don't we try to finish this box so we can go to sleep soon to be ready for tomorrow?"

I see those greens blink, feeling my eyebrow rise, seeing that darker Egyptian green in them, forgetting many things other than keeping her close and safe, and say the truth, "But I want more."

I see that smirk on those lips, feeling myself twitch after all she's done with those lips, not enough, and I see her mouth, 'Me too.'

We can clean this box tomorrow.

I turn to it, looking at that box, seeing the arrangement the albums and other items should be in at the very least, and start arranging the larger albums in the box first, then the smaller ones, the books, hearing that giggle, grabbing that book, and stop, seeing the book I'm holding, a book with the intricate design on the cover.

I feel it, knowing that design, that design that comes from middle eastern art, this blue book with those golden designs, and those letterings on the binder, Arabic text, like the copy I have at home, trying to decipher what this means, knowing this book should not be here.

I feel that hand over my own, hearing myself holding that book too tightly, feeling that soft hand over my own, and hear that voice say, "Huey, you've been holding this book for half a minute, not answering me. Please let it go okay?"

I feel my hand open, hearing that book land in the box, feeling that soft hand going into my own, and see the front cover of that book, that book that landed face up in the box.

I exhale, seeing that front cover, and hear that voice say, "The noble Qur'an, English translation of the meanings and commentary."

I inhale, focusing on right now, knowing this book, what it is, knowing this book should not be here, it should not, knowing there's a damn Christian bible in every room of this house because Aunt Cookie believes in what that book says, as Grandad does, Riley couldn't care less unless it has to do with shooting something, basketball, prestige, or possibly the art some would find in the pictures of that book, but this book should not be here, in this box full of old albums, feeling that hand on my lower back, feeling it going back and forth, slowly, bringing my breathing back into rhythm with the movement of that hand, as I see my hand going in to that box, and grab that blue book with those gold intricate designs.

I feel the material again, seeing it in the light of the room, how it's faded but in pristine condition, possibly old but well-kept by whoever owned it, and hear that voice say, "It's beautiful."

I nod, remembering my copy, black with some gold designs but not as elaborate as this one, and say, "It is."

I feel that hand leave the inside of my hand, possibly not wanting it to leave, and see those long fingers touch that book.

I exhale, seeing that thin finger possibly drawing out the designs on the front cover and hear her say, "I like the bible, I do, because it's kind of easy to read, at least what I remember about it was easy to read, and I want to believe it, a lot, maybe because I believed it so much when I was little and went to church more, but, and I don't know if this is bad, but this book, it's so beautiful compared to the bible."

I exhale possibly longer, knowing somehow this book was here in this box, in this house, feeling those soft fingers touching my hand as she's drawing those designs, and say the truth, "If we're comparing, based on what can be proven in the physical world, you're more beautiful than both."

I feel that kiss on my cheek, feeling my smirk, grabbing the book with both hands, focusing on this blue book, possibly thinking Aunt Cookie purchased this through a yard sale or one of the kids that helps her around the house brought it to her, but it's too pristine for that, even if it is old, opening it to the first page, the first page next to the back of the book cover, the back of that book cover, and I inhale.

I hear her tell me to sit down, possibly forgetting where we are, knowing that writing, the writing I haven't seen since I was five, before they put their belongings in storage, keeping it all there, until Aunt Cookie bought this house and had all those boxes placed in her basement, going through some of those boxes for weeks now, boxes she had us place here in the living room, while she had other boxes placed in the room Grandad and Riley are sleeping in and some in her room knowing the ones we were placing in her room were ones with personal items, personal items that belonged to them, not asking questions, just doing what she asked us to do, thinking, hoping, the boxes she had us place here in the living room had only albums, books, and nothing more, nothing personal of theirs. And we've been going through these boxes, cleaning and organizing them, with the goal being to get rid of boxes by consolidating those albums and books into the least amount of boxes, giving Aunt Cookie more space to walk around in her basement, only seeing albums and some books in the boxes we've gone through, some books I recognized and chose to keep closed, hearing that voice tell me to drink something.

I feel those soft fingers putting something in my hand, nod, remembering where we are, the circumstances of right now, focusing, and take that drink.

I exhale, giving her back the glass of water, hearing her putting it down on the floor, inhale, feeling the couch under me, exhale, knowing the reality of right now, and say, "What happened?"

I see that face, kneeling in front of me, see that small smile with that worried look, feeling my exhale, and she says, "You started breathing really fast, like you couldn't breathe, so I made you sit down, got you water, and just kept talking to you until you came back, and you didn't do anything, wouldn't say anything, you just stayed quiet. Are you okay? Do you maybe wanna stop tonight and we can keep looking at stuff tomorrow?"

I inhale and kiss her.

I exhale, tasting her, feeling her push those full lips, feeling her move away, and hear that voice say, "Huey, lay down okay, please?"

I open my eyes, exhale, feeling that tiredness from today, knowing she wants to take care of me, but knowing things that have a beginning need to have an end, something Grandad possibly said at Mo Jackson's funeral, where he ended whatever issues he had with his friend back then, and I need to see that, whatever that was, what happened right now, end, so I can focus on our circumstances, taking care of her, people that mean something to me, I need to see it end, the reason for my reaction, even if she wants to take care of me and I want her to, I need to see it through and I need to see it end, to continue focusing on things that matter, and say, "I'm fine. I love you. Where's that book?"

I see her exhale, see that small smile I'll be kissing later, and she says, "Okay, I'll bring it to you, but you stay sitting down okay?"

I exhale, nod, letting her, and see her stand up.

I watch her, seeing her grab that glass of water from the floor, walk over to the table at the end of couch, putting the glass on the table, and see her grab that book.

I exhale, knowing she put it there, far away enough where I couldn't see it, possibly because she didn't want me to see it.

I see her walk over to me, holding that book, inhale seeing that book, and see her move the box next to me with one hand, feeling my smirk that she is that strong, knowing I want to have that woman that can handle me next to me tonight for many reasons, many significant reasons, keeping her safe and because I just want to, as I see her sit down where the box was.

I inhale and look down at that book in her hands, focused on that book, looking at that cover, and see her hand it to me.

I exhale, grabbing it, feeling that material, and place that book over that leg of hers and my own leg, not caring right now how cowardly this is that I want her next to me, understanding I don't need it but I want it, feeling that leg and that body next to me, feeling that hand on my back moving back and forth, inhaling that peace mixed with history and what is my own damn happiness, needing to end what this is, and open the book, seeing the back of that book cover, and I inhale.


I close it, hearing the automatic lock, turn around, walking behind them, and hear them say how nice it is but they miss ours.

I shake my head at those two, hearing them talking about the one back home like it's 'ours' when we work there, and hear the talking and steps coming down the staircase.

I look up to the right, seeing that staircase, and see those two. They look to be older, possibly, not caring how old they are, why they're here, or the fact that they should be doing something other than staring at them, and see them look at me, raising my chin.

I see them look away, possibly mad, and see them continue walking down the steps.

Idiots.

I continue walking behind them, hearing them talking, hearing her talking, that voice I fell asleep to last night while she hugged me, knowing based on what happened two days ago, I should have hugged her, but she still hugged me last night, making it that much harder for me because what I wanted to do last night was kiss her, washing thoughts away, but I knew if I did I would also possibly, maybe, forget where we were, simply wanting to have her wash away some, many thoughts I didn't want to continue having, the ones about that book and that handwriting, even if those thoughts weren't unpleasant, just too many of them, too many damn thoughts, feeling her kissing my back as I fell asleep to that voice talking about what we were doing today, how she would listen and stay safe so I wouldn't worry, going to sleep to those words.

I exhale, feeling rested, and hear her giggle.

And I feel my smirk, hearing them introduce themselves to the clerk, hearing the clerk telling them she's almost off the phone and to wait right here. I understand a clerk would be needed for such a large organization, including the intercom letting only people that have appointments in to this building, possibly people that work here, or those that are staying here, staying here for however long they have a bed until this place can move them to a transitional living situation, knowing far too much about how little help blacks and browns get because of discrimination even in places like this one, where people won't give them the opportunity to be interviewed or will kick them out for breaking one rule, not giving them the opportunity to clean up, move to transitional housing, get a damn job, and start living decently, all because they don't think blacks and browns will make it.

I inhale, focusing on where we are today, knowing they think we'll just disappear into obscurity, homeless living in abandoned buildings, under bridges, going from place to place, until we end up in the system because we broke into a store to steal food or alcohol, because we weren't supposed to make it anyways, like those two white guys that were walking down the staircase and went into the kitchen on the first floor of this refurnished hotel, while the one black and two brown guys outside on the sidewalk will probably not make it, one if not two will end up dead in the next few years, the other back at home, wherever that is, being taken care of by family if he's lucky but more than likely will end up in the system because people won't advocate for them, won't say shit for them, hearing that clerk get off the phone, and hear that voice ask if women can stay here.

I feel my eyebrow rise, feeling my smirk, possibly my smile, seeing the clerk's eyebrow rise, looking at that blonde afro no more than a foot in front of me, and she says, "No cuz they say they don't want problems here."

I hear that exhale and hear Ming say, "How they gonna have problems when women keep shit organized and don't ever cause problems 'less guys and some females mess with us? I mean ain't like we trying to make things worse, most time it's guys that mess up shit, and some crazy hood rats."

I see that girl's mouth open, hearing that cackling from him, and hear that voice, the one I went to sleep hearing last night, say, "I mean that's right, women, girls are, at least I think most of the time, calmer and they help clean and they need help too, you know, not doing drugs and those things so why can't they stay here?"

I exhale, grabbing the hook on those jeans and bringing her into me, seeing that clerk looking at her and Ming, see that smile, exhale knowing that look, and she says, "Damn, why don't you'll work here? I could use assistants."

I hear that giggle, bringing her possibly even further into me, and hear Ming say, "Can't cuz we don't live here, these two actually work at a shelter where we live, and my man used to work here."

I see that girl look over at Ming, see her exhale, and she says, "So you taken?"

I feel that body under me moving, knowing she's trying to not giggle too loudly, trying to not put my arms around her only because of the rules they have in this building, and hear Caesar say, "Yeah she taken, now can we see Larry?"

I see that clerk look over at Caesar, see her eyebrow rise, and she says, "So you're the one Larry's waiting for. Sorry. All I heard you say when I buzzed you in was that you got an appointment and your name, saw your name on the list so buzzed you in and then phone rang again and hasn't stopped ringing all day, but you're the one Larry been talking 'bout all day. Cool. He's probably," and I hear Caesar say, "In his office, I know, know my way 'round here, you cool if we meet him over there?"

I see her open her mouth and hear that voice say, "Please? We're really excited to be here and we just want to go meet everyone, see the store Caes told us about, everything you guys do here to help people, and Caes said the person that manages everything, Larry, is super busy so it's gonna take him awhile to come get us, so can we just go over there and meet him halfway, please?"

I see that girl exhale, looking at her, smiling, rolling my eyes at that Jazmine head always getting her way, hardly trying, and hear Ming say, "And we promise, if Larry lets us help today, we swear we'll come be your assistants so you can teach us anything you know and shit cuz you probably the reason shit gets done here."

I see that girl's smile possibly get bigger, seeing her blush, and possibly giggle, hearing that giggle under me, trying to not pinch that hip even if I want to, and see that clerk nod, and say, "Why not, Larry tol' me to tell him soon as you walked in so he's probably waiting for you, just let me know if you'll need anything and remember you both said you'd come help me."

I feel that afro under me move, hearing them thank her, and turn with them, following Caesar towards the door that must lead to where the store and office should be, walking behind Jazmine and Ming, hearing those steps behind me, and hear those idiots ask the clerk who the girls are.

I exhale and hear her tell them to not be asking questions they know she can't answer and to show her their meeting cards.

I pass the door, turn around, and grab the handle of the door, knowing the door more than likely closes on its own, and see those two idiots at that desk taking out their wallets, looking over here, warning them, and see them look back at the clerk, as I close the door.

I turn, see her, and feel her kiss me.

I exhale, knowing that's enough for me to relax, feel her move away, see that smile, and she says, "Come on big hair slash bestie slash everything I call you, let's go have fun."

I inhale, remembering where we are, why I can't kiss her the way I want, focusing on this, right now, and say, "Remember to stay close, where I can see you, at least for some time."

Or I'll look for you.

I see that smile and that blush, wondering if she possibly heard that last thought, and she says, "I know bestie, let's go."

I nod, feeling her grab my hand, knowing the rules here, at this place, those rules Caesar told us about on the way here, hearing Jazmine and Ming on the way here asking Caesar to elaborate on some of those rules so they would know exactly how much they could do, even if we're just here visiting, possibly volunteering, because they said they wanted to follow those rules, but I couldn't give two shits if they kick me out for not following them, knowing she said she'll stay close, where I can see her, so if they do kick me out for holding her hand or kissing her, she'll be going with me, seeing the open room we're approaching, and I pull that soft hand, see her turn to me, and I kiss her.


I look back down at it, the layout, and hear her say, "What's wrong with it?"

I exhale, hearing her for the last twenty minutes, not caring about hearing that voice after the first minute of being here, remembering she told us she would be here and I was asked to come.

I inhale, knowing this would also be a way to see them both before starting the physical work, asking them both to change their email addresses and passwords today, even if I know from now on we'll communicate by phone about our visits, thinking about that, rather than how much I slightly want to get kicked out of this building right now if only to not hear her complain one more damn time.

I inhale, trying to relax, putting the layout back down on the table, not wanting this or that, her complaining, to continue, and say, "It's fine."

I hear her say, "See Larry, said it was good cuz it is."

I hear Caesar say, "Ericka, we know you're here to help, we do, and you volunteer so you know the place but this ain't what you do so you gotta calm down."

I hear her again with the complaining, that whining that even Caesar doesn't do to a point of annoyance, and hear her say, "But Caes that's why, I do know this place so I know what it needs and you don't even live here no more."

I look out the window, knowing she's close, seeing her out there, feeling my forehead scrunch wondering why the hell she's out there and not behind the counter when I specifically, and I see her talking to that guy, the one that's managing the volunteers and workers out there, seeing those lips say, 'Yes, wanna be out here to walk and clean, please?'

I exhale, hearing them, knowing I'm punishing her at some point for not listening and because damn it I just want to, and hear that voice say, "But Waldo why you getting on their side when we live here, we in on this together."

I close my eyes, being reminded of how she tends to, possibly likes to divide people into groups of them and us, here and there, black and not black, something Jazmine doesn't do, she just makes friends, remembering where she is, and I open my eyes.

I see her walking in that section, picking up clothes from the floor, see her stand up, smile that smile and I see those full lips say tell that woman where she can find the section of women's pants, a black woman that thanked her and walked away.

I hear the back and forth and hear Waldo say, "Ericka, stop it a'ight, I ain't dealing with you today, and no matter where they live they run AFRO and BRUH and Black Lives Matter talks to them, we just run shit on the street but they run that part, so don't matter they don't live here so stop this cuz after this I ain't dealing with you no more."

I hear them, hearing Caesar telling them to take this outside if they need to, that we're here to help, and hear him call me.

I look over at him, knowing that headache started eighteen minutes ago, after that blonde afro walked away to help out there where they were supposed to stay behind the counter, and we walked in here, using the minute it took for Larry to come back into the room to tell Waldo and Ericka to change their emails and passwords, possibly hoping after that Waldo would be the only one staying this long seeing as we will all be seeing each other later, seeing Caesar also possibly looks more than annoyed, and say, "Caes, I don't know what you want from me, I said it was fine."

I see him exhale and he says, "Hu, you manager at the shelter over there, you manage it Hu, no matter what you say 'bout your title or no title, and I worked here, I did, but only a few months those two summers and you know I worked more on the other side at the shelter, helping with checking them in, helping people or cleaning, whatever had to be done, making those damn calls to those programs knowing they'd say they didn't have room for people that couldn't stay here no more, but trying anyways, and then we moved over there and you know now I don't work in anything close to this but you do, you in it, that's why we need your opinion brother, your real opinion, not that it's fine cuz I know when you don't mean it, damn, think everyone knows when you don't mean it."

I exhale, looking out the window again, trying to make this fucken headache leave, a headache I just realized I haven't had in several weeks, only being irritated when seeing fucken idiots I know are following her or watching her, weeks of being with her in Aunt Cookie's house away from that institution, the people there, the fucken lunatics there, being here with her and our friends, enjoying ourselves, watching her, keeping her safe even through those moments, seeing her come out with that smile after an hour that morning, that damn morning, focusing on today, right now, seeing her picking up clothes from the floor, trying to help this place where she's never worked and doesn't benefit from helping, putting that shirt back on the hanger, and hear Larry say, "And you did all of that when I could only pay you to clean this office and throw out the trash cuz those are things done by fulltime employees, not a part-time kid, and I appreciate it."

I nod, knowing he's one of the many in my life that doesn't give himself credit for the amount of character he has, and hear Larry call me, asking me again.

I exhale, looking over at him, see him behind his desk, seeing he must be younger than Frank, a black man that Caesar said bought a hotel to refurnish it after he won money in illegal ways, and instead of running off with the money he bought a rundown hotel, cleaned it up, turned it into a shelter, then transformed part of the hotel into a secondhand store where all the money that comes through it goes to the shelter, the employees needed to run the shelter and the store, keeping the shelter open along with money that apparently comes from insurance companies paying so their members can stay at a place where they'll be randomly drug tested, are required to attend meetings and groups set up by counselors, having to do random chores, and then start looking for work so they can have some money when they have to leave because their insurance is no longer paying for them to stay here or they tested positive for some kind of drug or their six month stay expired with a long list of people trying to get into a place like this, blacks, browns, whites, predominantly blacks and browns in Chicago but with whites being the majority staying here because this place has a reputation of being difficult to get into and easy to get kicked out of if they don't follow the rules, something judges like to see in progress reports from drug offenders.

I see him exhale, possibly tired I assume from not only managing the volunteers and employees at the store but the constant interruptions we've had from that clerk asking for the keys to various closets and the kitchen, asking about people calling to talk to the people that stay here, and the fact that his wife called twice and he told us his son is sick.

I exhale, knowing what he's asking but needing to make sure, and say, "You want my opinion, my real opinion, one you might not like?"

I see him nod and he says, "From what Caesar told me you take care of the employees, possibly damn payroll too, so that means you probably gotta take care of the bills, know how the money comes and goes, and I know your place don't work the same trying to help get them clean but you do let them stay there even when they have those problems, need that help, so you know how important it is to keep the doors to this place open so they can make it, survive to see another day, try to get clean the next day if they can't do it that day, but I'm running 'round from one end to 'nother all day, so I know I gotta do something, either close the store or not let so many of 'em stay here but both shelter and the store bring in money to keep them open, through selling anything they drop off at the store and through the insurance companies paying for them to stay here, but it's only me taking care of all of it, so I'm thinking one gotta go, the store or half the shelter, but I don't know which one, so yes, I need your opinion, your real opinion because this is either gonna mean I let go of employees at the store or tell people they can't stay at the shelter because I can't handle all the work it takes to let 'em stay, the forms, the calls, the damn testing, the counselors, and I ain't got no one I can trust and before you ask I ain't bringing my wife into this mess, she has her hands full with our boy and I ain't 'round enough right now and damn I wanna be."

I exhale, thinking about the last call, that last call where I talked to them some, hearing them doing that thing where they're talking over each other like children their age do, not seeing either one of them because they were both trying to be in the camera, hearing that giggle next to me, hearing her sister and my brother cackling, and hearing him tell them to remember to talk one at a time. I felt my eyebrow rise, asked if it was him, and he answered.

Then I asked Tamera about her schooling and whether anyone had made her cry, even though I already knew. She said the truth and I told her she did well getting her father that day. Then I heard Tia say she told the other boy, apparently a cousin of his that's staying with them in their new apartment, and that cousin went to fight the boy that made Tamera cry. That's when my brother and Cindy both cheered her on and told Tia they want to meet that boy, hearing Tia giggle, hearing that laugh next to me, and I kissed that big forehead.

Then I heard him ask for me and I answered. I looked at the phone, saw them hand the phone to him, and saw him. He didn't say anything, possibly embarrassed, and I asked him how he was doing with the books I gave him. He told me how far he was in the first book, the one on Malcolm X, his birth, childhood, imprisonment, release, conversion, and death, a book with few details and appropriate for his age, a book I had read when I was a few years younger than him but difficult for any boy his age. I told him he was doing well, very well, and I didn't know any kids when I was his age that were reading that book. I saw him smile, felt my smirk, and told him to remember those books are his and he can do anything he wants with them including making notes in them and he said he didn't want to do that, he wanted to keep them looking the way he received them, and he had started writing notes about the book in a separate notebook he found at the shelter because Jazmine had told him I do that, I write notes about books in a separate notebook so as to not write in the actual book.

Jazmine.

That morning, the day after having that phone call with them, that damn morning three days ago, hearing her, feeling that hand in my hair.

I look out the window and I exhale, seeing her again in that green sweater that's making her eyes shimmer from down there, seeing her in the section he wants to remove, the children's clothing section because it isn't as profitable as the other sections, knowing she's been in that section since I last saw her, where she's enjoying herself.

I grab that layout again, looking at it, looking at those sections, seeing the number of employees he wrote down he keeps in every section, inhale, and say, "My opinion is that you don't know how to manage."

I hear him inhale and hear him say, "Excuse me my brother?"

I inhale, look up at him, putting the layout down, and ask again, "Do you want my opinion, no ulterior motive on my end as I have no reason to benefit from this, no ego on your end since I know you've kept the doors to this place open just like the man I work for has, but for him it's been decades, for you it's been a little over a decade, by yourself, with people probably coming and going expecting you to take care of it all, one of the reasons the man I work for only trust those he's known for years to take on responsibilities for him to a point he."

I inhale, seeing him nod, and I continue, "To a point where he had a damn stroke, possibly one that would've come sooner if his son, daughter-in-law, and other people hadn't been there forcing responsibilities out of his hands, and just like him, like I've given my opinion to him many times even if he didn't want to hear it, I will give you mine, now do you want it or not?"

I see him exhale, see him nod, and I look out that window again, seeing that bun she has today because she's working, a bun where those curls are coming out at the top because her hair might be too long and too thick for that hairstyle, seeing her smile at Ming who's still behind that counter, and see her say, 'Come help if you want, there's a lot to do.'

I look out there, seeing the number of employees in every section, and say, "Your problem isn't the space, the amount of sections in the store, the amount of people you let stay at the shelter or the services you offer them, I'm sure all necessary to their recovery although I haven't researched enough into that to tell you about that part of the shelter, it's your employees, the way they work, or better yet, their lack of work, the fact that they need to be able to multitask. They should all be going from one section to another, not just staying in their own section cleaning and waiting for people to disorganize it again, but cleaning it and then going to the next section, keeping them moving from one place to another. It's also a way to keep them feeling like they're part of the place, like they actually matter and aren't there to just pick up after people, but are there to organize sections as they want and change them if they feel the last employee didn't do a good enough job."

I look around at the customers, remembering, seeing the set-up of the yard sales, the dinners, the events at the shelter, seeing the places customers, people, stay and move towards, and say, "Aside from retraining your employees you could consolidate some of the sections to not be as spread out so people can get to them quicker, along with your employees, but don't leave the shelves empty, continue to bring out whatever items you have to sale, even if they haven't been priced and train your manager to price them."

I hear him say, "My manager?"

I exhale, catching her going through that rack with Ming, putting those clothes in that section, and I look over at him.

I see him smirking and he says, "I'm the manager."

I exhale and say, "And that is your next problem."

I see him exhale and he says, "So first you saying I don't how to manage and now you're saying I shouldn't even be manager? You gotta be kidding me, how the fuck you think you're helping?"

I exhale, stand up, and hear Caesar.

I turn to the door and hear him say, "Wait man, wait, look, I'm stressed alright, real damn stressed, and this ain't about just this, all this shit gets to me and I'm trying to stay, you know, straight too, and my boy's been sick for days now and my wife and me just, look."

I exhale, hearing Caesar, remembering he asked us to come, his old boss asked Caesar and I to come, and Caesar said Ericka and Waldo who have volunteered here would be here too and we could see them, talk to them, and be done with that too. He also said he wanted to show Jazmine and Ming the shelter where he had worked, and foremost, Caesar said he wanted to see what his old boss wanted to talk to us about, some changes he said he needed help with from people he trust, and I know this is the first legal job Caesar had and he feels he owes it to him to at least come help in any way he can.

I exhale, turning around, see him at his desk, the desk where that layout of the sections he wanted to remove from the store is, if he keeps the store open, basically leaving it at a quarter of the size it is because he can't afford to stop offering the shelter to half of the people that are paying through their insurance.

I look at him, see him and I exhale annoyance, and say, "That's the last problem, it's the fact that you are the owner, the manager, accounts receivable and payable, you're taking care of everything, from the training, the scheduling of employees, to every damn time someone is calling to talk to someone in the shelter or when your front desk clerk, who I've seen come in here five times in the last twenty minute, brings in," and I hear that knock.

I hear the door open, hear that clerk, hear her put that key on the key hanger, and hear her close the door.

I see him look away, see him exhale, possibly annoyed, and he says, "You saying I need to hire more to do more here and not close up the store or half the shelter?"

I exhale and say, "No."

I see him look at me, see him nod and exhale, possibly listening this time.

I inhale and say, "I'm saying you need to retrain the employees you have, let go of dead weight if you find it, and make sure the employees you keep feel that they matter here, make a difference, even if that means showing them you trust them enough to have them rotate every hour to a different section and not treat them like mindless robots that can only take care of one damn section, ask them what their opinion is about which sections to consolidate since they're down there and see the people, where the stay, what they're here to see and buy, start with having a meeting with all of them, bringing them into these decisions that could affect their employment, and asking which one of them wants to move up, become a manager of the store or the shelter, because you have your hands full with managing the bills, the communication with those counselors, the insurance companies, the drug testing, and you need help, you need help from people that care about the place not just because it gives them a paycheck but because they care about what it does, what it does for those that appreciate it, and if no one wants to take up the responsibility you go out there and find someone that does, maybe someone that this place has helped or is helping and needs a damn job, an actual job they can keep after they leave the shelter and will need the money to pay for their survival, give them the damn job and I'm sure you'll find someone that will manage just as well as you do if not better so you can be where you want to be, even if it's telling a boy he needs to repeat that word again and read that damn sentence again because he can."

I exhale, see him nod, remembering that call, the one where they were talking over each other, knowing I know them all like I do because of her, and I look over at that window because I want to, and see her.

I see that bun in a section closer to the counter, another section because she's not one-dimensional and more than likely wants to know about different sections in that store, watching her, keeping her safe, and hear him say, "What if I don't trust no one I hire and leaving them to do things I've done myself all this time just stresses me more?"

I nod, seeing her tell a customer where they can find the sweater section, and say, "You start incrementally, by first watching them, making sure they show up, seeing that they want to show up, they want to be there, regardless of their reasons for wanting to be there, be it a paycheck or more, then after you see them continuing to show up you give in just some, possibly not watching them for a day or two, going through their work after, telling them you're going through their work because you've always done it yourself and it's difficult for you to let anyone help you but you're trying, and then, one day, you hope, you no longer go through their work, because you know you trust them, but."

I see her put that soft hand on that green sweater she's wearing and see her touching that stone under her sweater seeing her bend down to talk to that child, a girl, a black girl that seems happy, asking her questions about her hair, why it's thick like hers but yellow, seeing that smile, and say, "But it takes time, months, years sometimes, and you hope those people wait for you to trust them because when you do there's nothing you won't trust them with, including something you care about, something like this place."

I hear him exhale, watching her walking over with the girl to the children's section, feeling that warmth, knowing we've been going through those boxes together, alone, talking, for weeks now, going through boxes I would've never wanted to go through before because there's too much in those boxes that mean something to me, but with her it doesn't feel like something I don't want to do, and I hear him say he's known that clerk for months now and he trust her.

I hear that knock, look over, see that clerk grabbing that key again, and hear Larry say, "Malikah, why don't you take the key for the main closet and the one for the kitchen and bring 'em to me before you leave today, but 'member bring 'em before you leave."

I see that girl's eyes open, see her nod with her mouth open, and see her grab two keys on that key holder possibly slowly, and see her close the door.

I hear him exhale and hear him say, "Thank you brother and sit down cuz we have more to talk 'bout, please."

I exhale, sitting back down, listening, hearing him ask Caesar for help with some of those changes, meetings with employees, and I look over at that window, feeling my eyebrow rise seeing that clerk down there with that soft bun, those greens, talking to her, seeing her smile, seeing her and Ming nod, and see them follow that clerk to the side door leading to the shelter, knowing I'll be going down there to check on her in two minutes, but knowing I'm punishing her at some point for not listening.


I put that cute folded muscle shirt on the pile and say, "And after that we went to help Malikah in the shelter, organizing with her in the way Mimi says she has things organized with you in the main office with the pens at the top, the extra stuff below, and then the folders and everything else that's important at the bottom, and she even let us hang out at her desk and take calls and put them on hold so she could get stuff from the closets and the kitchen that people there wanted, and it was fun but I would've loved if you were there sis."

I feel that kiss on the side of my head, folding her socks, feeling my smile, listening to music on her phone, being happy being with her, and hear her say, "And no shit happen with that bitch that pissed off our Mimi's with that stupid ass message she sent Caes? Mimi a saint not slapping her."

I nod, remembering meeting her today, what she said about the past, that she's moved on, that she didn't want to talk about anything that didn't have to do with the work, and we all kind of nodded, agreeing with her, because we were all there to help.

I exhale and say, "Yeah but when we finally met her in person today she said that she's moved on and we were there to help and then her and the guys went to talk to Caes's boss and me and Mimi stayed in the store to help, and on the way home Mimi said she's fine with her because it has been so long, and really she hasn't sent any messages like that to Caes since back then, and I think Ericka maybe."

I exhale, not really getting that, what's going on there, because Caesar said he has a girlfriend too and wouldn't be interested in being with her, and say, "Well, we think she maybe likes someone else now or maybe she's liked that guy for a while because they've known each other for a while but Caes says he has a girlfriend too so it's not gonna happen."

I feel my lips purse hoping no one gets hurt in that, no matter what emails anyone ever sent, and hear her say, "Sis, what I say 'bout praying for bitches?"

I feel my small smile, look over at her, see her looking at the folded clothes on the bed, and say, "I wasn't praying for anyone, just hoping nothing bad happens."

I see that pretty eyebrow rise, see that smirk, and she says, "Same shit."

I exhale, hugging her, kissing the side of her head, and say, "Okay, you said you wanted to hear about our day first, now how was your guy's day?"

I see her smile at the shirt in her hands, letting go of her, and I grab that shirt from her and say, "Sis, I fold, you talk, and there's not a lot to fold anymore anyways."

I see her exhale, rolling her eyes, and see her nod.

I see her move the pile of folded clothes up, so happy Aunt Cookie reminded us about her washer and dryer when we first got here, the washer and dryer that mom used last time that we were here, a washer and dryer in her garage we're using so we can help with the dirty clothes every week and not have to go to the laundromat, remembering when I was younger, maybe ten and then twelve years old, those times our dryer at the house had stopped working and we had to go down to the laundromat to dry our clothes and then coming home and the dryer being fixed, not knowing how it was fixed but then days later Riley asking me if Huey had fixed whatever was broken at my house because he had left with his tools that day to my house, the day the dryer was fixed. That warm brain.

And I hear her say, "Yeah, so after they got here, we all went down to the courts, saw some of 'em lil' kids again, met up with Ray, his girl Nia, Enzo, and his girl Maritza, and we all went to chill at Ray's pad, and."

I see her grab that sock from my hand, see her find the other one, and I grab that shirt, not hearing her say anything, and say, "Sis?"

I hear her exhale, look over at her, see her eyebrow raised, looking at those socks in her hands, and she says, "Went to the movies and saw that fucker Cairo."

I inhale, see her look up at me with her smirk, knowing that smirk, and say, "Sissy, what did you guys do?"

I see her look back at those socks, see that evil smirk, and she says, "Just, you knows, got our tickets, walk in ten minutes befor' movie gonna start, and there waiting in one of them concession stand lines we saw his punk ass, saw Dewey, he came up, said what up, guess Ray and Enzo cool with Dewey but no one cool with fucken Cairo cuz he not only a punk ass but everyone here knows he works for that bitch who 'pparently ain't pay some fools that worked for her last year, Riles said he thinks work she ain't paid for was that stupid ass fight where."

I see stop, see her swallow, see those eyes blink, and put my hand on her shoulder.

I see her inhale, remembering how she cried that night up in that tree with me, how scared she was for the guys, for her best friend, trying to not think of her crying that morning, three days ago, holding her in here, staying positive because she needed that.

I see her nod, see her exhale, and she says, "So, Dewey said what up, Ray and Enzo said what up, me and Laurie said what up, cuz you know, 'least now we cool with Dewey, then."

I see that cute evil smirk again and she says, "Some bitch Dewey was with starts talking shit asking how he knows me and Laurie cuz she knows we ain't from their school or some shit and."

And I feel my eyebrow rise seeing that big smile on her, looking at the clothes on the bed, and she says in between snickers, "Then Maritza tells that dumb bitch to shut the fuck up cuz she ain't gotta know who Laurie and me are cuz it ain't none of her fucken business and we there to hang out and not see her skanky ass so best be stepping o' she fuck her up."

I feel my mouth open imagining that, not knowing Maritza or Nia yet, Riley's friends' girlfriends, just imagining it, seeing my sister laughing now, and she says, "So that bitch starts talking shit to Maritza 'bout fucking her up in school or some shit and Nia slaps that bitch tellin' her to shut the fuck up with her trifling ass cuz she knows everyone at school knows she gets down with everyone and their daddy and that bitch be trying to hook up with Enzo, Maritza's man who standing there laughing his ass off."

I see her laughing, blinking, seeing her laughing, and she says, "And then Nia says only reason Maritza ain't fucking her up right there is cuz she 'ready beat her punk ass at school and ain't trying to beat her there 'gain but she ain't stopping Maritza if she wants to fuck her up, and then that other skanky ass, some chicken head hoe that ain't even in this shit comes up tellin' Maritza to calm Nia the fuck down, Maritza starts tellin' her to mind her damn business and get steppin' cuz she'll be fucking her up later cuz she knows she be trying to hook up with Ray too, Nia's man, who been laughing with Enzo whole fucken time sis, and all the whiles I'm there hearing Riles laughing his ass off too, not letting me go, hugging me like he trying to stop my ass from getting in that shit, and then I see that fucker Cairo step in, grab that bitch ass Maria or Ana or whatever that fuck her name was, tellin' her to calm the fuck down, trying to drag her ass away, and with Riles laughing this whole time I'm fucken dying sis, fucken dying, laughing with him and Hiro's ass at those skanky bitches betting on Nia and Maritza fucking them up, shit I'm betting fifty that shit happening there, Hiro saying he got fifty it happening at their school, Riles saying he got summer time befor' school starts, and then I hear one of 'em dumb bitches saying some shit to Dewey 'bout stop looking at my ass, like I fucken care, and."

I see her laying down on the bed now, laughing, curling into a ball, laughing so hard I can't help it that I'm laughing with her, and she says, "And I hear that dumb bitch yell some shit, I look up, and I see those fucken knives Laurie got on her, you know them plastic ones that still hard as fuck cuz she knew they ain't let her in with those metal detectors if she got real ones, and I see those knives sticking out the floor in front of that skanky ass bitch's ugly ass feet, and she screaming like Laurie fucken cut her and I ain't see no blood and then, oh my god sis, oh shit, sis, then."

I'm dying, laughing so hard right now, on the bed, laughing, feeling her hand on my shoulder, and hear her say, "Then I hear Laurie do that shit when she sounds all fucken Tony Montana and shit tellin' that sata in Spanish that she knows she understands her and she better get stepping cuz we ain't being late for Snakes on Soul Plane or she'll cut her ass, all fucken Laurie and shit, and all I see is some two hood rats running off and that punk ass bitch Cairo looking all mad walking away after 'em with Dewey laughing walkin' 'way too, all fucken hilarious sis, and I'm just dying sis, fucken dying."

I inhale, laughing, wishing I was there even if Ming and me had so much fun at the shelter today, but that just sounds like so much fun, and say, "Sis, that, was," hearing myself laughing and say, "Awesome."

I hear her laughing, feeling her moving, and hear her say, "Yeah sis and shit I wanned your butt there, you knows I always want your butt there."

I exhale, smelling the clean clothes, stretching after that good laugh, smiling, feeling so happy, feeling my sister hugging me, not thinking about anything else, just hearing her laughing, only laughing, feeling her chin on my shoulder, and hear her say, "I'm so fucken happy sis, I am, I really am."

I turn to her, go up, and kiss her forehead, hearing her exhale, and I close my eyes, laying back down on the comfy bed, smelling the clothes and her, knowing the guys are downstairs. Mom is with Aunt Cookie and Grandad downstairs too after spending the day with pop's and Caesar's mom going to record stores and shopping for Caesar's family in Jamaica. Hiro went to rest at his relative's house where him and his parents and Hiroko are staying, hoping Hiroko and Ed had fun seeing Kathy today, thinking about that, feeling my smile remembering Hiroko saying at dinner that all of her family wanted to meet her boyfriend, remembering seeing Ed get completely red I think embarrassed, hearing the guys laughing and hearing Hiro tell Ed to 'stop tripping man' and it would be fine, and exhale, listening to Get Away by The Internet. And I know for sure, hearing that song, that my sister's music taste is so eclectic, thinking about her music, from Ramones to anime music to old R&B to Gangstalicious to Summer Walker to The Internet. I think she even likes new music pop's is showing her, remembering pop's and Caesar and his mom going back to their apartment to rest because Caesar looked tired after today, my poor big brother who said that he was going to go back to the shelter tomorrow to help with some meetings his old boss wants to have with the people that work there. I know Ming's going with Caesar tomorrow because she wants to help and I think because even though she trust Caesar she doesn't like Ericka being that close to Caesar no matter how much Caesar told her to not worry and that Ericka doesn't matter to him like that.

I exhale, remembering Caesar telling Huey it's okay that we can't go with them to the shelter tomorrow, to not worry about it, and if we can go help again Larry, his old boss, will really like that. But at least Ming's going to be there tomorrow, Ming who adores Caesar because even though she looked tired she's going to go to the shelter with him tomorrow anyway and right now she should be with her parents at their hotel, just like Lauren is who got picked up by her parents who said they wanted to spend time with her before they left for Florida. And that's all I'm thinking about, them, my sister, my friends, my family, this awesome day, hearing that next song.

I just wanna see
I just wanna see how beautiful you are
You know that I see it
I know you're a star
Where you go I follow
No matter how far
If life is a movie
Oh you're the best part, oh oh oh
You're the best part, oh oh oh
Best part

It's the sunrise
And those brown eyes, yes
You're the one that I desire

When we wake up
And then we make love
It makes me feel so nice

You're my water when I'm stuck in the desert
You're the Tylenol I take when my head hurts
You're the sunshine on my life

I just wanna see how beautiful you are
You know that I see it
I know you're a star
Where you go I follow
No matter how far
If life is a movie
Then you're the best part, oh oh oh
You're the best part, oh oh oh
Best part

I exhale, hearing Best Part by H.E.R and Daniel Caesar.

I feel my sister hugging me, hear her humming to the song, thinking about today, hearing her humming, remembering everything we saw today, how much fun that was, knowing the best part of being there in the store was when that little girl that asked me about my hair, how it was yellow but like hers and then asked me where the toys were. And I had seen that the guy she came with, I think her brother, was talking to one of the people behind the counter about one of those old games, where I remembered the old consoles were, one Caesar told me later was called an Atari. So I grabbed that little girl's hand and took her where the toys were, telling Ming on the way there where I was going so the little girl's brother could find us, and then I stayed with that little girl, Tiana, until she picked a toy and her brother came looking for her, and I hear my sister ask me if I'm ready for tomorrow.

I nod and say, "Yeah, it's just, you know, hard still because I want it to go perfect, like last time, so I'm just trying to make sure it is."

I feel her kiss my head and hear her say, "Will be sis."

I smile, knowing she doesn't lie, and hear that knock.

I open my eyes, hearing her cute giggle, get up, and go up to the door.

I open the door, see him, not looking like he was three days ago, when I opened the door to that knock and he looked like that, scared and mad and just sad, but right now he's smirking at me, so I smile, go under that arm leaning on the door, and say, "Goodnight Riley."

I hear him say, "Nigh' sis. You gonna remember right?"

I nod, feeling my smile, telling him I will, and I go down the stairs to brush my teeth and get ready for bed, seeing my mom going up the steps.

I stop midway down the stairs seeing her pretty smile and I hug her.

I feel those arms hug me, exhale feeling safe, knowing maybe the best part of today is just that we're here, together, all of us, nowhere else, just here, feeling her hugging me really hard, and hear her say, "I'll give them a minute while I get ready for bed but I want you to remember I'm really proud of you being as good as you have been by respecting the unspoken rules."

I exhale, not thinking about that either, putting my face in her chest even if I think I'm her height now, that chest I've known my whole life, feeling kind of embarrassed hearing her laugh, and hear her say, "Honey, I told you, Aunt Cookie knows you two are closer now, one of the reasons she doesn't mind, even if she's aware that you two might kiss and only kiss because she knows you both will be good, respectful, about being in her home and I'm proud that I know you have been and you're setting a good example for your little sister and Riley. Now, Aunt Cookie is already in bed, so is Robert, and I already said goodnight to Huey so you two enjoy your night and don't worry, we'll all be back home soon enough where you two can have your weekends."

I nod, knowing she's right, happy that we are being good and respectful in Aunt Cookie's house, thinking about being at home in Huey's room or in my room or standing in front of my house walking over to his house, remembering what happened in front of my house, feeling her letting go of me, inhaling, and I hold her.

I feel her hold me tight again, exhale, wanting to just hug her, just a little longer, just a little, not wanting to think about that but thinking about it, thinking about what she went through, what my mom went through in their room, what I know she went through, I know it, I just do, trying to not think about that, inhale, trying to not sniffle, and hear her say, "Baby, honey, I love you, and I want you to not think about any of that, any of it, because you're here to enjoy yourself, to be here, to enjoy your life, and I will take care of that, all of it, and I want you to keep having fun so I can keep seeing that beautiful smile, the one I know your little sister needs to see too, and I want to keep seeing both my babies, my two boys, all of my boys and girls, my Leo, everyone having fun because that's what we're all going to keep working at, right baby?"

I nod, knowing she's right because it's mom and mom is always right, always, thinking about today again, trying to think about today, not about three days ago, about him, not thinking about that, just thinking about today, feeling the sniffling going away, breathing better, feeling myself relaxing, thinking about laughing with my sister right now, knowing she's okay too, she really is okay, we all are, letting go of her, and I feel her hold me again and I hear her say, "But I get to hold you for half a minute longer so I can give my other baby and her boyfriend time to say goodnight because they also haven't had their weekends in some time and because I love you."

I exhale, putting my face in that chest, that chest I've known my whole life, and know she's right about everything because it's mom and I love her so much.


I feel my head getting heavier into the pillow, hearing that giggle, bringing her into me, and say, "Jazmine."

I feel that hand on the back of my neck, feeling those soft fingers moving over my neck, knowing the best feelings in this damn world come from her, and hear that voice say, "I was just thinking about what my sister told me they did today."

I feel those small feet, smelling that hair, shaking my head even though I am slightly tired, and say, "You mean about those girls possibly fighting over nonsense with other girls that mean nothing?"

I hear that inhale, putting my face in that hair, those curls in that afro, and hear her say, "Bestie, how do you know that if we didn't talk about that when everyone was here?"

I exhale, possibly feeling my smirk, bringing that ass into me, wanting to take off her clothes, knowing I can't, trying to relax, focusing on the conversation instead, and say, "That's true but after everyone left I did have to deal with Riley while you spent time with your sister."

I hear that giggle, wanting to be home, fucken home, or rather in my room, behind several bolts, trying possibly as unrealistic as it is holding her in this position to cover that body with my own, where she's safe, and hear her say, "So what else did you two talk about while I was with my sister?"

I nod, focusing on what she's asking, knowing a lot but not much happened since we all got home, and we haven't talked about any of it.

We all arrived within minutes of each other, Hiro, Ming, and Lauren left right away to spend time with their families and Caesar, his mother, and Leo also left to possibly rest, with Caesar saying he'd call me tomorrow after he was back from the shelter, and we, Jazmine and I, were not able to talk alone because of that. Then, after everyone left, I saw her walk upstairs with a basket full of laundry, followed by her sister with the same amount of clothes in another basket, remembering that Jazmine head saying they had left laundry in the dryer before we had left in the morning, but seeing other people's clothes in those baskets as well, Grandad's, Aunt Cookie's, their mother's, I knew they would be up there for a while, not just folding everyone's laundry but possibly talking. And after I saw her walk upstairs, knowing where she would be, safe, I grabbed that book I had put in my luggage, the one I wanted to start reading for several reasons, sat down on the couch, opened that book, using the first page to cover the back of the book cover, and I heard those footsteps.

I looked up, saw him, saw him look at the book I was holding and I closed it and held it out to him, not necessarily aware of why I did it, but possibly because he's my only idiot brother, my younger brother.

He walked up to me with that raised eyebrow, that confused look on his face, grabbed the book from my hand, and I told him to sit down first.

He looked up at me with that smirk, I exhaled, rolling my eyes, and he sat down.

I looked back at the TV, knew the news was on, NBC, watching the rolling issues that go from political to economic to social to people only fucken care if it affects them directly, hearing him open that book, possibly seeing the back of the book cover, and I heard him inhale.

After a few seconds, I heard him sniffle and I put my hand on his shoulder, feeling him shaking, reminding me of the last time this happened, at the ice rink, talking about Cindy, knowing this was the third time this has happened since we moved from Chicago, where he cried in front of me and it wasn't because he was getting beat by Grandad or myself. I knew at that moment that since we moved from Chicago to Woodcrest when he was eight, almost nine, he had only cried like that, in that way with the sniffles and the shaking, those other two times, now three times, the first because he had felt he was too late to save that girl from being raped, the second because we had been talking about how he felt he wasn't there for Cindy when they were younger, and now this. And this was still only the second time I had put my hand on his shoulder, trying to console him, as best I knew how to at that moment.

I held on to him, letting him cry, increasing the volume on the news report, knowing Grandad, Aunt Cookie, and Sarah were all talking in the kitchen and could possibly hear him, knowing he didn't want them to see him like that.

After a few minutes of him crying, he sniffled, and I felt him move and I let go of his shoulder, bringing the volume down on the TV.

I heard him grab the tissue box on the end table, heard him blow his nose, and heard him stand up.

I looked over at him, saw him walking into the bathroom, and I looked back down at the couch, at that book he left where he was sitting.

I picked up that book, looking at that book cover, knowing I should read what was on the back of that book cover again, knowing I had only read it once, when we found this book, yesterday, and now I was going to pass it, going straight to the first page with text, because I wasn't ready to read it again or possibly didn't want to, having too many thoughts, too many damn thoughts, possibly wanting those arms around my torso at that very fucken moment, wanting her to wash away those thoughts I didn't want to have at that moment.

I looked up at the staircase, putting the book down, getting up, knowing those arms were upstairs, and I heard him call my name.

I looked over at him, saw him in front of the bathroom door, saw his red eyes, saw him look away, and he said, "You 'on't have to but you wanna play GTA or some shit?"

I exhaled, remembering, trying to remember that I'm not selfish with Grandad, my brother, the black community, only with her because she washes thoughts away, possibly makes me feel things I want to feel today, but I try to not be selfish with my brother even if what I wanted to do was walk up those stairs to get to those long arms, no matter how weak that felt, and instead I said, "Fine, get it."

Then we played a few missions and talked about our day. I told him what we did today, the shelter, the store, the meeting I almost walked out of several times for several reasons, one being the fact that Ericka kept saying Waldo and herself could take care of the meetings Larry wanted to set up with his employees and both Larry and Waldo kept telling her she didn't have to be there if she had a problem with Caesar, who's worked there, not just volunteered, longer than she has, and myself, who they apparently felt could contribute to the shelter because of my experience at the shelter in Woodcrest. I told my brother I couldn't care less what she said, that I would help where they needed me, but next time I heard her say something pointless I would walk out of the room because going out to sit in the middle of the road or die in a desert would bring more change to our community than hearing her talk nonsense. I heard his cackling, feeling my smirk, and he reminded me that last time she was in this house he turned up the volume on his game every time she would talk. I exhaled, hearing his cackle continue as he told me what he did today was more enjoyable because he at least almost saw a good fight and saw a movie where Snoop Dogg killed a snake on a plane by getting high in the cockpit with that snake trapped in the cockpit's closet. I heard myself possibly laughing at the stupidity of that, the unlikeliness of it, and then he told me about the rest of their day, where they went, and who they saw. I exhaled, trying to not leave to just fucken beat him a second time here in Chicago even if it could still affect my employment at the shelter in Woodcrest, and then he told me the rest, how after that fucken idiot and Dewey left and the girls went to the concession stands Raymond told him and Hiro to be careful with Cairo because at least here that fucken idiot still has other idiots that follow him, enough to cause some trouble. I nodded, heard him tell me to calm down because nothing's going to happen as long as he's around, and I thanked him. Then he told me to stop acting gay and play the damn game like I meant it. And so I proceeded to beat him through several missions, talking more about the missions than anything else, focusing on something trivial, not talking about that book, not talking about that morning three days ago, talking about trivial things, and I heard him say he gave her a letter to take tomorrow.

I looked over at him, saw him exhale looking at the game, focused on it, and he said, "Yeah, I'ma remind her but 'on't go forgetting and shit."

I nodded, told him we wouldn't forget, and I heard him finish that mission. And I saw him possibly smirk as he stood up and he said he was going to sleep.

I switch the channel back to NBC while he disconnecting the Xbox, heard her, and looked over at the staircase.

I said goodnight to her, saw her smile at us, something she'd been doing since we got here this time, more so than I remember her doing the last time we visited, and she said, "I love you boys, hope you'll remember that."

I nodded and heard my brother say goodnight to Aunt Cookie.

I saw her go up the staircase and then heard Grandad tell us to not stay up too late.

I looked back at the TV to not roll my eyes at him treating us like we're ten and eight years old still, and heard Grandad tell my brother to not roll his eyes at him or he'll beat him no matter how old he is, hearing Grandad going up those stairs.

Then I heard her.

I looked over at her, said goodnight, saw her walk up to my brother, and saw her hug him.

I felt my smirk seeing how uncomfortable my brother looked, like he does every time she hugs him, saw her let go of him, and saw her walk up me.

I exhaled, got up, felt her hug me, and hugged Sarah back, saying goodnight, knowing she's been doing this every night she catches us, enough I'm getting used to it, some.

And I saw my brother use that opportunity to run upstairs I'm sure to see Cindy and heard Sarah wish me good luck tomorrow.

I nodded, letting go of her, saw her look up at me with that smile, that smile I know like I know I'm black Jazmine got from her, and thanked her, even if I knew I wouldn't need luck tomorrow because she would be there, that voice would be there with me again.

I hear that voice, right now, that voice that will be there tomorrow, hearing her say, "Bestie, it's okay if you don't want to tell me what you and Riley talked about, I know those conversations are," and I squeeze her and say, "Jazmine."

I hear her exhale, feeling relaxed, and say, "First, to answer your question in detail, Riley saw the back of that book cover, then we played GTA while we talked about what we both did today, that fight his friends' girlfriends were going to get into at the movies, the pointless movie that could not possibly happen, soul plane with snakes, talked about some important things like protecting you and your family, some nonsense, trivial things, like the game we were playing, possibly to not talk about other important things, like that book or other important things we are not talking about, then he told me he gave you a letter again, everyone said goodnight to us, and that was it, nothing eventful."

I feel that exhale through that back, knowing there's no possible way to have her closer to me, so I put my hands under that shirt, on that skin, and exhale hearing her say, "Good."

I feel my smirk and say, "I would think that Jazmine head would want us to talk about that book, what's written in it, more."

I feel her possibly shake her head, feeling those fingers moving in those waves on my neck again, relaxing into this place, this place I like being in, and hear that voice say, "No Huey, you guys will get there, you know, talking about that, I know it, but baby steps okay, first you both saw that book, that's good, and when you're ready you'll talk about it okay. Thank you for telling me. I love you. Goodnight."

I inhale, bringing my hands on to those sides, and hear her say, "Bestie, we kind of need to sleep and tickling me isn't gonna help."

I exhale and say, "I won't ask, won't talk about that unless you want to, but are you," I swallow and say, "Okay?"

I feel that shiver, feel her moving into me, putting my hands around that soft stomach, holding her, feeling her moving down as I put my chin on that head, feeling her nod, hearing that voice say she's okay, knowing her well enough by now, sleeping in this and many other fashions for almost a year now, not enough, not nearly enough of sleeping together, know what it means now when she puts her head under my chin, remembering it all too well, and exhale.

That day, that night.

We had been asleep, feeling that hand in my sleep possibly, knowing we were both, somewhat, tired after having that morning where we talked to the kids at the shelter, then both Hiro and Lauren, along with their parents, arrived in the afternoon, everyone was here, we trained because Caesar needed to focus that anger, the anger he had that I knew had to do with that piece of shit that wants to talk to him, then we ate, spent time with them, watched CNN with her, feeling that hip with my hand, content, tasting my mother's tea, and then we went to sleep, feeling that hand drawing in my hair, content, happy, knowing the next morning, Monday, we were going to wake up, hang out, Caesar and I would be going through the platforms thoroughly to see about those changes we were going to implement with the work we were going to be doing while we were here, and the next day we were all going to go to the museum because Jazmine had wanted to wait for everyone to get here before we went.

I inhale, remembering that morning, that Monday morning, the day we were supposed to wake up late knowing we would be waking up early the next day to go to the museum, then the next day, today, we would be waking up early again to go to the shelter where Caesar used to work, that damn morning, the damn Monday morning three days ago, and hear myself voice my thought, "Jazmine, I'll protect you."

I see it, waiting, skipping over every ten minutes, seeing it, and hear Sarah say, "Yes Lieutenant Saunders, it just scared us, but of course no one's at home and we just assumed it was a burglar that would be scared off by the alarm system, and really we don't have anything of high value other than pictures, some jewelry, things that are valuable to us, so was anything stolen?"

I start skipping over every five minutes, seeing it, waiting to get to the moment the alarm went off, where the clock on the screen would be at three forty seven, as I'm getting to it, hearing the voices from the kitchen, Aunt Cookie saying there's nothing to worry about because things can be replaced, Grandad saying he would beat any damn fool that came into his house to steal anything, like he beat Ed and Rummy the one time, hearing Leo, who got here fifteen minutes ago as we were all waking up from sleeping in, saying he's making more coffee, my brother and Cindy saying how they would kill anyone that tried to take anything from the fifty houses they'll have when they reach the NBA, and that voice, that voice asking me to drink some.

I grab the cup in front of me, smelling that coffee, taking a drink, and feel her take the cup from my hand, hearing her putting the cup on the end table, as I'm watching it.

I feel her sit down next to me and I hear her inhale.

I press pause on the video, look over at her, see that fear in those greens, and say, "Jazmine, let me watch it first."

I see that mouth open, see her shake her head looking at the screen, and she says, "No."

I inhale and hear Sarah ask Jazmine what's wrong.

I exhale, seeing those greens look up, see her smile that smile, feeling my eyebrow rise, and she says, "Nothing mama, just watching the video from last night, but everything's okay and we'll tell you afterwards okay, please?"

I focus on that face, that face that's smiling, seeing that fear, knowing she cannot lie, and hear Sarah say, "Baby, I know when you're not telling me everything, but I'm going to finish this call with Lieutenant Saunders who just told me nothing was stolen, just some damage to our house, but everything's fine, and they'll be reviewing the recordings later today, and once I'm done I want you to tell me, okay?"

I see that face nod, see her swallow, hearing Sarah walking away talking on the phone, and say, "Jazmine, let me see it first and then I will," and I feel her kiss me.

I grab that soft face, kissing her, because it's been too long since last night's kiss before we went to sleep with that hand in my hair, falling asleep to dreams and not nightmares, possibly feeling that hand in my hair, and then waking up to a nightmare this morning at two forty seven in the morning, local time, to our phones, all of our phones, blaring to signal a break-in in one of the houses, hearing that blaring sound from my phone, standing up to get to the door, that fucken door, the car, and heard that voice call me that nickname.

I looked back at the living room with my hand holding the key to Aunt Cookie's rented van and saw that afro, those curls, those greens looking at me over the couch.

I walked up those tired eyes, got to that face, felt the floor with my knees, saw her looking at me with those tired eyes, sitting up on Aunt Cookie's couch, where she was safe, and I grabbed her, covering her with my body, knowing this reality.

I hear her, right now, hearing her say that she wants to watch it, to let her watch it, sitting here next to me.

I exhale, no longer hearing the blaring sound of my phone in my ears, the one that didn't let me sleep for two hours thereafter, after she had asked me to sleep and wait until the morning to check the recordings. And I let her, let her take care of me, holding her after that, after everyone had gone back upstairs to go back to sleep, feeling her, sleeping on the floor together, something we had not done since we got here to be respectful of Aunt Cookie's house, not caring, not wanting anything, but just for her to be here, in Aunt Cookie's house, in Chicago, with me, and not there, knowing after the alarm went off the police would be there within minutes because it's the suburbs of Woodcrest, where we live, where she grew up, around those racist fucken kids, where she grew up strong, and I need to treat her as she is.

I pull away, see that small smile, with that fear gone, exhale, and say, "Fine, but just, stay, here."

I see that smile, see her nod, and I kiss those lips.

I pull away, see those greens look over at the screen, and I inhale looking over at it.

I see the time on the clock, feeling that soft face moving out of my hands, see the clock showing its three minutes before the alarm went off, looking into that car, seeing only that blonde hair on the passenger side, having seen that person not move for ten to fifteen minutes, possibly because they fell asleep leaning on the window of the passenger side. Then I saw them sit up and they turned to the driver, possibly talking. I saw more moving, possibly more talking, arguing based on that person using their hands to emphasize their emotions, and then I had paused the video.

I exhale, having the cursor over the play button, feeling that soft hand over my own, and feel her press down on my finger.

I inhale, seeing that face turn towards the passenger side window, towards the camera.

That woman from the restaurant.

I see she looks angry, possibly tired, looking at their house, reading her lips, and she says, 'I could give you one that's more beautiful, just let me, and I'll be more careful. That last time was me being clumsy and I fell and when I woke up you were there, looking angry that I'd fallen and lost the baby but just let me and he'll be more beautiful, intelligent, than her with such a ridiculous name when ours will be more beautiful with more of my family in them like you want, not like her that you told me is not completely white with a daughter that looks like her, just as ugly as her god damn mother and.'

And I feel her jump, pressing pause on it, putting my arm around her.

I feel her exhale and say, "That's enough I can watch," and I hear her say, "Please Huey, if he's there, maybe coming after my family still, I need to see this so I can know, and I promise I'll be okay, please?"

I exhale, bringing that hip closer to me, feeling her exhale, possibly myself as well.

I put my left hand on that mouse, looking at the screen, seeing it, knowing I trust her, she's here, not there, and she wants to know, possibly because she needs to be aware of this, what we're seeing, feeling my hand on the mouse, seeing the cursor over the play button, feeling that soft hand over my own again, and feel her press down on my finger, again.

And I see it, feeling that body I'm holding move with her inhale, seeing her face hit the window, see her put her hand on the window, and see that hand on her shoulder. I see that hand turning her towards the driver, then see both those hands on her shoulders. And I see her body being moved in that way, shaking her, having seen enough videos I was suggested to watch to know why I was looking for evidence on a case, why I was following someone to their office, waiting for them to leave, and then looking for weapons, all kinds of weapons, including clothes with blood, clothes they had used to wipe the blood from their hands, their knuckles, after beating someone, killing someone. I hear that sniffle, holding her, seeing that body now being slammed against the window, hearing those sniffles becoming that sound, no longer wails, but cries, cries I don't hear or see from her because she tries to look strong in front of me, hearing her crying, hearing other voices.

I hear those voices behind us, hear their inhales, and see that door open with half her body falling out of the car on to the grass, landing on her shoulder. I see her get on her knees, crawling, and see the other person, hearing cursing from behind me. I see that person get to her, see her trying to get up, possibly disoriented, and see that foot connect to her body, her stomach, feeling that body next to me jump. I hear the cursing behind me, see her fall back on to the pavement from that hit, hearing sniffles, possibly hearing Sarah telling Cindy to not look, seeing that foot connect to her body again, and again, feeling that body I'm holding inhale with those hits, almost like she can feel them. I hear the crying, hearing Sarah tell Cindy to keep hugging her and to not look, hearing Cindy say she knows it was that bad for Sarah, hearing the crying next to me, holding her. I hear my brother tell me to shut it off, hear Leo telling everyone to calm down, and I see that gun.

I see her crawling, getting up, walking away, slowly, injured in various places. Broken ribs. A fractured shoulder, possibly more. I see that hand grab her arm, pull her back, and see her scream with her eye closed. A dislocated arm. I see the darkness on her face, where her mouth should be, the darkness of the blood, that same darkness on her forehead, seeing her mouth opened, screaming, possibly scrapes on her face from those falls, and I see him swing up with that gun towards her face.

I hear her, crying next to me, holding her, seeing her face move towards the left with that gun hitting her face, hearing words, comforting words, possibly from Sarah to Cindy, and hear those words from her, that voice, that voice that belongs to her asking me to breathe, as I exhale, feeling that body I'm holding jump as I see the gun coming down, that light come out of the barrel, and the bullet shoot through the air, in the direction of their house.

I see the lights from their house turn on, hear cursing from behind us, seeing that woman in the light, that woman with blood around her mouth, on her forehead, her shirt, not hearing the alarm because the recordings do not record sound, but knowing the alarm went off when those lights turned on and it must be three forty seven in the morning in Woodcrest, two forty seven in the morning here in Chicago, and we all just woke up to the blaring sound coming from our phones.

I hold that body that's shaking, feeling that soft hand on my hand, hearing the crying, and see that hand come into the light, that hand that I know belongs to that fucken disgusting piece of shit I'm going to kill one day, see him grab that woman's arm, pulling her back into the darkness where that car is.

I hear the quiet, the crying, see him shove that body into that dark blue car, slamming the car door, that door with the fake wood on that Ford wagon, late seventies. I see him walking around the car, waiting, feeling that hand over my own, seeing that woman moving with her hands covering her face, feeling that hand moving back and forth, slowly, hearing her tell me to breathe, and I do, and then I see the car move because that disgusting fucken piece of shit must have slammed the door on the driver's side. And I see the parking lights turn on and see the car drive away, that car with no license plate, hearing the crying, and I look over at her and see those greens.

I see that red face with those tears, see her sniffle with that fear behind those pursed lips, and she says, "I'm okay but I need to take my sister upstairs and I want to be with my mom and her for a little okay?"

I nod, knowing I'll be outside, in the hallway, looking up credit cards, bank accounts, phone numbers, and say, "Don't go far."

I see that small smile, enough to make me exhale, see her stand up, and I stand up, watching her walk around the couch.

I see her get to them, see her put her hand on sister's shoulder, and see her sister turn around and hug her, hearing her say she thought it was their mother.

I exhale, seeing her inhale, seeing her nod, and see her look up at Sarah.

I see that look, the one where I know she's fine but for all intents and purposes, what that woman in the video went through is something her mother went through knowing the reason I didn't see her for weeks at a time was because he had gotten rough, possibly with a weapon, possibly with his hand to not leave marks and not let us become aware, letting it continue for years, fucken years, and I see them walk up the stairs, both of them possibly holding on to Cindy, hearing her crying, and I grab the laptop, and hear Leo.

I turn to them, see Leo holding on to my brother's shoulder with my brother facing the hallway, hearing Aunt Cookie walking up those stairs saying she's taking tea up to them, hearing Grandad tell my brother to calm down, and hear Leo say, "Riley, son, she's fine, she will be, just give her time and don't do anything brash, going crazy like I know you can get, and just remember, this is what he wants, for you to lose it in one way or another, go back there to find him, and in that he'll find you and he'll find her and you won't be with her, which I know you don't want, so let her rest for now, and stay, stay and focus on right now, what you're here to do, so she can have something to look forward to after this, and let us, her mother and I, the adults, take care of something that's passed and done, helping if you want, here, while you keep planning the things you're here to do."

I see him look at me with that look, that damn look, that fear covered by frustration, anger.

I exhale and say, "You can check the credit cards while I see what phone calls they've made leading up to last night."

I see him nod and I walk around them, ready to get to that door, sit next to it to research until she comes out, and hear that voice say, "Boy what Leo said is for you too and after you check those cards and do what you gotta do you both stop, let Sarah and us grownups take care of this and just keep making damn sure those girls have a damn good time here, you hear me?"

I exhale and nod, passing Grandad standing at the entrance of the kitchen, and take that first step up the stairs, knowing after this she's sleeping next to me every night for several selfish and significant reasons.

I hear that voice say, "And I'll protect you."

I exhale, holding her, what's mine, fuck how the world works, knowing I will protect her, even if I'm fully aware that she is scared still, after coming out of that room, seeing that small smile, that red face, hearing her say her sister was sleeping but she was okay, looking at that smile on that red face, and feeling that soft hand hold my hand. And I had wanted her to somehow, even if it was impossible, enjoy herself still that day. Then we spent the rest of the day eating, watching movies, reading, having Caesar keep me informed on the platforms, knowing that could wait, going through the platforms to see about those changes we were going to implement, instead playing board games with her friends who came over within an hour of knowing what had happened, agreeing to not talk about it unless Jazmine and Cindy talked about it first although it seemed everyone had silently agreed to not mention it even if they did want to talk about it. And everyone acted like it did not happen, letting Sarah take care of it, keeping our plans as they were, going to the museum the next day, the day Jazmine wanted to wait for so we could go with everyone, then going to the shelter the following day, everything moving along like what happened that night, that morning, would not touch them, touch her family and friends, so she could possibly continue enjoying herself, as they all would. The last occurrence of that morning being when my brother and I told Sarah about those calls we found the piece of shit made to the office he works for in Woodcrest and a purchase made with his own credit card at a gas station outside of the county that night, things I had not checked because I wasn't alerted seeing as those calls and that purchase were made outside of the county. I also had not bothered to check on those accounts after we left Woodcrest, because I was selfishly enjoying myself, here, with her.

But I can keep her safe, holding her, here, which is all I can do most days, keep her close, keep her safe, breathing in those right amounts, here, where if the alarm had gone off, my phone blaring, it would have taken me ten hours to get there, eight to nine with my driving, waking up to it, needing three seconds to get my phone, the keys, and open the door, four seconds to get in the car, and then eight to nine hours of thinking about her, eight to nine entire hours, knowing they were there, sitting there, for two hours before those last few minutes, those last three minutes before the sound of the bullet pierced that air, went through their house, the lights turned on, the alarm system went off, and our phones made that blaring sound, alerting us at two forty seven in the morning, local time, three nights ago.

And because of all of that, tonight, when I saw her mother going up those stairs, heard those steps coming down the stairs, knowing what I wanted, again, to be close to her, knowing it was selfish even if it's too keep her safe because I can barely control myself with her sleeping on the couch and me on the floor, having little if any control being that close to her, waking up with an erection these last two mornings, knowing I was being selfish, knowing it because I can probably, more than likely, protect her just the same while she sleeps on the couch and I sleep on the floor, I still walked over to the closet next to the bathroom, grabbed those blankets, walked back, and put down those blankets on the floor again, making our bed for the night, where we would both sleep, together, like he had for two nights, and I heard those steps.

I looked up from the floor, saw those small feet I wanted to have on my legs tonight, went up those legs she was hiding behind those pants, knowing what they were hiding, that white shirt, that robe that was hiding more from me, saw that smile, and she asked me if we were sleeping on the floor together again because she wanted that. I answered yes and I saw that smile with that tint and heard her say she was going to brush her teeth because we needed to sleep and not stay up too late.

And I won't need Aunt Cookie's rented van to get to her in eight to nine hours because she is next to me, knowing she's trying to not think about this, feeling her going under me, knowing she's doing her best to not ask her mother questions, something I believe her mother asked of her, knowing she's trying to not say anything about it, to just be here with me, and not only do I know how to make that tint I like appear over those freckles, I know how to make her focus on being here and punish her at the same time for not listening.

I exhale and say, "Fine, I trust you, but now I want you to tell me what I said about leaving that counter today, and what the punishment is for not listening."

I hear her inhale, feeling her moving away, holding her, and I start, not letting her answer me, being selfish, wanting to hear her laugh and ask for mercy, hearing her giggle and say she wanted to help and was having fun and she's sorry for worrying me.

I exhale, hugging her, not tickling her enough to hear her laugh fully, hearing just those giggles, going down to put my face in that afro, those curls that smell like her, pulling on the skin on those ribs just enough to feel her squirming some, and knowing we do need to sleep I say, "That Jazmine head, I know, just keep doing that, being Jazmine. Goodnight."

I feel her put those arms over my own, feeling that exhale through that slim back, and hear that voice say, "Goodnight bestie, but um, are you gonna keep your hands there?"

I inhale, squeezing her some, feeling her squirm, and say, "Yes, goodnight Jazzy."

I exhale, wanting to feel her skin if that's all I get tonight, that skin that taste and belongs to her, and hear that voice say, "Okay, but no matter what, I'm hugging you tomorrow night, like this. Night big hair slash bestie slash everything I call you and I love you."

I inhale those particles in that hair, feeling that skin, knowing she's right here, where I want her to be and she wants to be, one of the many reasons, possibly, I fell in love with her, and say the truth, "I love you."


Okay. All twenty clips are on, all of them holding on to the blanket really tightly, I can only see behind the blanket if I look over it, and those tripods are under some dirt now just to make sure they don't move.

I exhale, look down, and see the blanket.

I look up, see my backpack at the corner of the blanket, look up more, and see them, feeling my small smile.

Then I feel those hands on my hips.

I inhale, remembering how stealthy he is, so quiet.

I lean back on to that chest, that strong chest, looking at them, wishing so much his life could have been different, a little different, really different, remembering why we're doing this, how I told him to stay back there, shaking my head, and say, "I told you to wait bestie so you wouldn't see anything even by accident so why didn't you just wait back there?"

I feel those arms going around my waist, inhale, thinking this is a little too affectionate for where we are, remembering last time we kissed a little, but he didn't hold me like this, feeling that chin on my shoulder, really happy I put my hair up so it wouldn't get in the way, and hear that voice in my ear say, "I haven't seen anything I didn't want to see and even from back there I could hear when you took out the tripods, the blankets, the plastic bag with those clips, walked away to place that blanket over the woman's grave, walked back, set up the tripods, the blanket with every clip on those tripods, laid out the other blanket, moved your backpack closer to that blanket, and stood there for ten seconds, hearing those steps stop, the ones that aren't bigger than the rodents we heard on the way, hearing your panting not as heavy as last year which means your lungs are taking in more oxygen now and overall you're healthier, and I felt like hugging you."

I exhale, shaking my head at him being this cute, seeing them, feeling my small smile, feeling kind of embarrassed, a little, and say, "Bestie, um, we're here and maybe we should only," and I hear him say, "They're my parents Jazmine, dead, but my parents, and they know who you are, they've known, even if I do not believe in those sorts of things, souls, the afterlife, not after all I've seen, all I know, and I know they no longer exists here, with us, but their bodies do, in those coffins, and I've introduced you as my girlfriend to those two bodies that belonged to my parents so those bodies know who you are, and I want you to take this cloth off my face because I should be watching you."

I inhale and look over my shoulder.

And I see him, see that black bandana over his eyes, that face, that beautiful face, seeing that nose and those cheekbones that he got from his dad, knowing he got those eyes behind the bandana from him too, wondering what he got from his mom, but maybe he got how much she liked cooking, reading books, because I think Riley got her personality and how they both really liked art, but Huey got his dad's personality, I think, wishing in a way, a lot, that I would've met them, seeing that face turn to me, see that bandana move, almost like he's blinking and can see through it, and feel him kiss me.

I kiss him back, putting my hands around those shoulders, that neck, tasting that lip I like so much, that sweet upper lip, feeling those arms hugging me, kissing those lips again and again, his face, his nose, his cheeks, everything he'll let me kiss, hearing the birds chirping, little mice running I think, those mice he says are as big as my steps, the ones I heard last time we were here when I met his mom and his dad and I don't want to have them not like me this second time because I'm being disrespectful.

I pull away, see him exhale, feeling my smile, and say, "Huey, I know you don't believe in that stuff, you know, like heaven and how souls, spirits, are with us even after people pass away but I do, I think because of my mom and my grandma."

I inhale, shaking my head to not think about that, how guilty I still feel about that, seeing those eyebrows lower, remembering I'm here for him, and say, "So, I think your parents are here, right now, and I think they can see us, and I don't want to kiss you too much in front of them, okay?"

I see that cute smirk, see him nod, feeling my exhale almost like I thought he wasn't going to be happy after I said that, and he says, "Take this off of me where you are."

I feel my eyebrow rise, nod, and put my hands behind his head, feeling that knot, taking it out slowly so I don't catch is hair, feeling those soft curls from his afro I can feel around my fingers right now, slowly, and then I take off that last twist, bringing the bandana down.

I see those eyes, feeling my smile, see him blink, and hear him say he loves me.

I smile, putting my hands on that warm neck, seeing how cute he looks with that bandana around his neck, almost like a hot cowboy, feeling my cheeks getting warm, probably red, not knowing if I'll ever get used to all of it, how hot he is and specially how much he says it now, when we're alone and we're not alone sometimes, how much I like hearing it from him, and say, "I love you too, now sit down so we can spend time with your parents."

I see him nod with that smirk, see those eyes blink, and see those eyes look up, over my head, seeing that smirk become those pursed lips, and I say, "Huey."

I see those maroons look down at me, maroon because it's still morning, close to being noon, but it's morning.

I see him exhale, feeling that warm neck, that neck that was getting too warm for a second, feeling my exhale, and say, "No, don't look over there even though I know you can't see what's behind the blanket, because you're not here for that, you're here to be here, with us, okay, please?"

I see him exhale, smelling that breath that smells like tea because he didn't need coffee this morning, jus his mom's tea.

I see him nod and see him turn to them, to his parents.

I see him exhale with those purse lips, that sad look on his face, bringing my hands down, putting my hand on that back, feeling him inhale, breathing like that, like he's maybe breathing in what I think is the clean air here, reminding me of our hill in Woodcrest, seeing the late morning sun shining through that soft afro, those maroons looking at them, and he says, "Good morning, father, mother. It's been one year, more or less, since I came last, and I apologize but as you know Grandad, Riley, and myself no longer live near enough to visit more frequently and I hope that changes in the future. And."

I see him exhale, see that smirk, feeling my eyebrow rise, remembering he did talk to them a little last time but he didn't smirk at them, and he says, "I brought Jazzy again, my girlfriend."

I inhale, see that face and those eyes turn to me, feeling my sniffle, remembering he needs stability, holding in that sniffle, and I look over at that gravestone.

I see that pretty gravestone again, so much prettier and warmer than any other gravestone around it with those roses engraved on each corner, each rose connected to another rose in another corner by a waive, like a sideways 'S' connecting them, seeing their names with that message under it in the middle of the dark, shiny gravestone.

Jebediah H. and Rosa R. Freeman.

Loving father, mother, and friends who lived honestly and with purpose.

You will be missed.

And I know for sure, after reading it again, that they had to give that to their babies, purpose and honesty. They had to give that to their sons who are almost adults now, thinking how much they had to want to see that, to see them grow up, shaking my head, knowing they are seeing them grow up, from heaven, they are.

I inhale, feeling my smile because I know they are seeing them grow up, and I say, "Hello Mr. and Mrs. Freeman. It's nice to see you again and I'm happy we came sooner on this vacation and."

I exhale, remembering what he said, that they're not with us anymore, not knowing if I should say it, and feel that squeeze on my side, blink, not being to stop myself from saying, "And really there's just so much I want to tell you even if you're not completely with us anymore, even if you're watching from heaven, and I just wish I could tell you, even if I know you're listening and watching, I know you are, and I want to tell you but it's okay and I don't have to and I'm just happy I'm here."

I inhale, looking over at him, see him looking at me with that raised eyebrow, knowing he doesn't believe in that, heaven, souls, spirits, and these are his parents, his mom and dad, seeing him looking at me like that, with that mouth open, and I say, "Huey, I am so sorry I said that and," and he says, "Jazmine."

I inhale, wanting to cry because I shouldn't have said that, seeing him exhale with that raised eyebrow, blinking, trying to not cry in front of him, here, because this is his parent's gravestone and it's not respectful to get emotional right now, and he says "Jazzy."

I exhale, sniffle, feeling my small smile, and say, "I'm sorry Huey, we'll just do what we did last time, eat, talk to each other, and have a nice time, okay, please?"

Please don't get mad that I said that, please don't say you want to leave because I said that, please, please, please, and I feel him kiss me.

I exhale, feeling the tears in my eyes, kissing him back, feeling him holding my face, feeling those kisses on my face, and hear that voice say, "It's only my belief Jazzy that they are dead and we will only find their bodies here, but that is my belief, one I'm still working through, researching through certain religions, theories, that fit into what feels right for me, but."

I feel those kisses on my forehead and hear that voice say, "If you believe they can hear you, pass an introduction, which I only did as a formality, same with my explanation of why I haven't visited, that is your belief and I won't take that away from you, regardless of how I feel about it, but do not hide it from me, like you do not hide when you pray at night or the times you've gone to church services, for fear of my judgement and I ask that you act on those beliefs, praying, going where you want to go, or talking to dead bodies, if that's what you believe. Do you agree?"

I exhale, nodding, feeling those kisses on my eyes, thinking about everything he said, how openminded he really is and he doesn't know it, knowing he's reading that book at home, that book on Islam, the one he bought at the bookstore that time on that double date with Adah and Johnny, I think reading it still because he's reading it slowly because it's pretty big and I think it has a lot of history in it, and that other book I see him reading sometimes when I walk into his room, the Qur'an, a translation of it I think, like the one we found here in Aunt Cookie's house, not knowing if he's Muslim but knowing I don't care as long as he's happy, he's reading, he's researching stuff, he's learning anything he wants to learn about, knowing I want to tell them, the people we're visiting, how smart he is, I want to tell them so much, and I say, "Agree and I want to talk to them, can I, please?"

I hear him exhale, open my eyes, see that cute smirk, feeling my sniffle thinking that maybe he's not mad that I said that, that I didn't hurt his feelings because of my beliefs, and he says, "Fine, but."

I see him inhale, see those pursed lips, and he says, "More than likely I won't."

I feel my smile, knowing, nod, and say, "That's okay, I'll talk and you just maybe remind me if I forget something or get something wrong."

I see that eyebrow rise, see him exhale, maybe annoyed, feeling my giggles coming on, and he says, "Really Jazmine? Really?"

I nod, feeling my smile getting bigger, and say, "Pretty please, just let me, please, pretty please, and I won't ask for," and I feel him kiss me, kissing him back, feeling him putting those arms around me, hugging me, grabbing that face and kissing it, everywhere, and hear that monotone voice say, "Fine, just."

I kiss that nose, opening my eyes, see him exhale, and he says, "Just keep being Jazmine, being here with me."

I nod, kissing those lips, putting my arms around those shoulders, and say, "Yes."


I look inside the car, putting the money down, see her exhale, and she says, "Son you already paid through the app."

I nod and say, "This is for the extra," I inhale and say, "Accommodations. Thank you."

I see her smile and she says, "You are the two most respectful teenagers I've picked up in the year I've been doing this so you don't think of those things as me going out of my way but maybe as a thank you."

I exhale, remembering her quick reply, Jazmine covering my eyes with that cloth, a black bandana this time, a block before we even got to the gates, feeling us drive through those gates, then the second gates, stopping in the parking lot, next to the building the funeral services are performed, feeling my temperature no longer dropping feeling those hands on my hand, messaging my hand possibly, knowing the car had stopped next to that building, and then stepping out of the car. I heard Jazmine thank her, heard the door close, and then felt those hands as she put my hands on her shoulders, and I followed her. I knew where we were going, how to count steps and measure space, distances, map out locations, knew exactly where we were going, and I let her lead me there, wanting her to be there, breathing in the bun. And when we were done with our day Jazmine messaged her and she replied that she would be there in fifteen minutes. I saw Jazmine put my brother's letter under the gravestone, placing a rock on the letter, and start putting the Tupperware in her backpack, knowing this was the second time we had done this, knowing I could at last walk back down without a cover over my eyes, but after the day we had just had, not wanting to see anything that could tarnish that, I told her to cover my eyes with that bandana she brought, and I saw that smile. Then I felt those soft hands behind my head as she was tying that cloth again and heard her putting everything else away in that backpack she would have over her chest. Then we walked down, following her, smelling that bun all the way down. And when we got there, to that building, less than ten minutes after Jazmine had messaged her, I heard that voice say she was already there, waiting for us. We got into the car, drove out, and after we were a block away from the first gates I felt those soft hands untying that cloth behind my head, and then she drove us home.

I inhale and say, "Either way, please, take it, and we will be needing your services again, if it's okay with you."

I see her smile possibly get bigger and she says, "That's fine, you just let me know 'least by that morning and you will have nothing to worry about son."

I nod, step back, feeling that soft hand hold my hand, and hear that voice say, "Thank you Ms. Mona. I hope you don't mind because I still don't have my permit so I can't drive yet so thank you very much."

I see her lean over to passenger seat, see her smile at Jazmine, and she says, "Now you don't worry sweetheart, you just message me 'til you don't need me no more."

I hear that exhale and hear that voice say, "Well we might need you for a while still Ms. Mona so thank you."

I see her nod with her smile, see her lean back on to the driver's seat, and see her drive off.

I look over at her, see that smile, those greens shining, knowing she's happy, feeling my smile, possibly happy myself, and put my hands on that long neck, moving down.

I inhale, smelling that Jasmine tea she brought for us in the thermo, that tea we drank with those quinoa sandwiches I made this time, the watermelon she cut up, feeling that soft neck in my hands, thinking about possibly making dinner for us tonight, possibly an agreement, a balance, a life where she can make any breakfast she wants and I can make dinner tonight, where I can kiss her before any of that, and say, "I want to make dinner tonight but first I want to kiss you because of everything you did today and because I just want to."

I see that tint cover those freckles, see that smile with the insignificant light that's still left from today, and she says, "I love when you smile so much, like today."

I kiss her, tasting that tea with that food, tasting those sweet lips, knowing, like I know how this world works, that it doesn't matter that it works like it does because it will change, that she taste like she does because she just does, feeling those long arms around my torso, tasting that tongue, hearing her say she had fun and she loves me, as I remember we could go straight to the backyard to keep kissing her, and we will still be here for weeks, but right now I want more, and they could all be watching another horrible movie somewhere, blocks away from here, feeling those nails digging in to my back, knowing if we can get to that backyard she's sitting on my lap, possibly letting me mark that shoulder or one of her, and I hear, "Yo! Hurry it up cuz everyone here waiting for your ass," and I hear that voice stop.

I pull away, seeing that smile, and exhale, looking over at the door.

I see Riley leaning on the doorframe of the front door rubbing the back of his head, and hear him say, "The hell babe! I'm hungries!"

I shake my head, hear the snicker next to me, feel that soft hand grab my hand, feel the pull, and I follow.

As we get closer to the front door I hear Jazmine's sister say, "Don't babe me! You knows you can't be cursing and Aunt Cookie and everyone else in the damn kitchen so!"

I hear that voice pulling me say, "Sissy."

I see Cindy jump, crawl under Riley's arm, and I move behind Jazmine, knowing the damn process, preparing to take the brunt of the fall, and feel my smirk, hearing that laugh under me as I see my brother grab Cindy's shoulders, turn her around, crouch down, putting his arm around her legs, and stand up, carrying back inside, hearing him berating her for not letting us put our things down first.

I feel that bun move under me, putting my arms around her, hearing that giggle, and hear that voice say, "They just got cuter."

I look down at her, see that long neck I was holding right now, knowing what I want, knowing I get to ask for things today, I've gotten to ask for things for some time now, and I go down to kiss that neck.

I bite that neck, feeling her inhale, kissing it, tasting that skin, and say, "That Jazmine head, you're still sleeping next to me tonight so I can punish you for covering my eyes today knowing I need to be watching you."

I feel her squirm, possibly, and hear that voice say, "I want that."

And I bite that neck again because I want to, feeling her squirm under me, knowing she doesn't have to know how long I'll be punishing her tonight, focusing on right now, here, in Chicago, where she's safe, having her sleep next to me every night for several significant reasons, focusing on the work and the fun still planned for this vacation, a vacation that only started four weeks ago, a vacation that will still continue for another four weeks.


Hello everyone,

I hope this does not feel like a cliffhanger because it's not meant to be. Also, the next part is completely DONE. Legit COMPLETELY DONE. But, I'm rereading it to make sure there are no typos and so on. I hope to have it up in days, if not I PROMISE, it will be up by next weekend.

Also, everyone take care. It's been…hard. The last few weeks have been….more than hard. And I wanted to post this chapter this week, I hope, really hope, to give a little hope to the world, even if it's just in our Boondocks world (even though I am starting to see light at the end of the tunnel now that Kamala and Joe are in the office).

And one last thing: I want to apologize for the Tom/Frances scene. You all know I do not condone violence in anyway shape or form and hope that shit stops there and everywhere (you'll know what I mean). Just wanted to say I did feel wrong rereading that part, like it was one of the most horrible things ever written, but then again we live in the real world so….it could be worse (again, you'll know what I mean).

Thank you, thank you all for reading, for the reviews, and please be safe and may the force be with Grogu, I mean you, may the force be with you. Will have the next part up no later, promise, than next weekend.

-Bulma's Ego.