My sweet and lovely readers, thank you so much for your patience. It's been a while, but I'm back. And back to finish.
Like you all know, tight update schedules aren't my forte, but though it takes a while, I have every intention of finishing this story.
Without further ado: Let's get to it, shall we. Heaven knows, the wait's been long enough.
KPOV
"He got you what?!" Mira exclaimed, stopping dead in her tracks to look at her friend in shock, causing the person walking behind her to bump into her. Naturally pleasantries –in the form of insults– were exchanged at this unexpected encounter. Keena watched the interaction with some amusement before the irritated man stormed off.
"Fired. He got me fired." Keena replied casually, enjoying the spark of ire in her friend's eyes. "But I hated my job anyway, Mir. So, it's fine. They gave me a nice recommendation too, I just have to find a good job opening."
Despite the contradictory sigh at the end of her sentence, Keena truly meant her words. Both Hugo and Lloret had made it abundantly clear it hadn't been their decision to let her go, but that the order had come from up top. As soon as "the board" (a.k.a. Eric) would come to his senses, they'd be more than happy to have her back on the team. At the time, Keena had politely smiled at their kind words and thanked them for the opportunity, but in truth she had been anxious to get out of there.
Rationally, she knew she should've been angry for Eric's interference, or at the very least feel somewhat disappointed for losing her job hardly two weeks in, but for some reason all she'd felt was relieve. Sure, she'd felt a little bit awkward when Lloret had called her into her office and told her she could pack her things and go, but if it meant she no longer needed to watch people get tortured for a living, the sacrifice was easily made. She just wished she'd had the balls to bite the bullet herself, instead of Eric doing it for her.
She hated it had come to that.
She should've been stronger.
She should've been braver.
"What a bastard! He can't do that!" Mira exclaimed, angry on her friend's behalf.
"You do realize we are talking about Eric here, right?"
"So that's it?! You're just sugarplum fine with it?!" Mira exclaimed. "That's so messed up."
Keena merely shrugged. "Like I said, I didn't like my job. Not like you."
In a way she envied Mira. She seemed to be genuinely happy in her new job as a patrol officer; she had nice coworkers that had invited her into their team with open arms, and the amount of interesting stories she had after only two weeks of working there was staggering. In retrospect, it certainly was a better job than her own top-secret not-to-be-talked-about torture division. Hell, even Lara's new job as a clothing store assistant seemed better than that. Top-ranked initiate or not, the prestigious jobs high on the Dauntless' social ladder seemed to suit Keena the least.
"Doesn't matter. If you disliked it as much as you claim you did, you could've just quit yourself – but you didn't. That's saying something."
Urr, yeah it did.
It said she wasn't brave enough; not dauntless enough.
Because let's face it, that was the issue here.
Abnegation, Amity and Candor might not be her strongest of aptitudes, but they were still part of her, as was Erudite. She might've chosen Dauntless, but she still represented the rest, and she always would. She wouldn't be able to push those parts of herself away. She couldn't just watch helplessly restrained people – no matter how dangerous criminals they were – take beat, after beat, after beat, without the ability of fighting back. With one of them, they'd even started to pull his teeth out – the blood had spilled everywhere; it'd been disgusting.
At the time she had simply brushed it off as Dauntless taking this whole 'tooth for a tooth' thing a tat too seriously, but perhaps she'd been wrong. Perhaps she was simply too soft for it; too little Dauntless and too much of everything else to stomach such a morally difficult, but necessary job. Because if there was one thing certain, the supposed 'victims' were indeed all criminals with information that could save up to hundreds of lives. It had been her sole comfort while working there; that the Dauntless only inflicted merciless pain upon merciless people; all of them dangerous criminals trained to sustain truth-serum so interrogations at Candor were useless on them. It was hard but possible, if subjected to the serum often enough. Only when there was solid evidence to presume the convicts were able to lie their way through the truth serum, or at the very least withhold information; only then they were send to Dauntless – for a more hands-on approach, if you will.
And yet, no matter how important the intell; no matter how awful their sins or how big their crimes; no matter how awful human beings they were, Keena still hadn't had the stomach for it; to watch them cry out in agony and pain, waiting on salvation. Her Erudite-side had found the whole thing utterly barbaric; her Amity had been shouting 'to hell with justice' if it meant being thus cruel; and her Abnegation was just itching to reach out and help. Even her Candor hadn't been able to find justice in it.
But how could she tell Mira all of that?
Mira – born and raised to see the world through her black-and-white Candor specs.
Mira – jumping to conclusions faster than anyone could tell her "wait".
Mira – believing Divergents were a danger to society.
Besides, this simply wasn't Mira's burden to bear. It would be unfair of Keena to put her life in her friend's hands like that; to test her conscience and make her choose between her friend and her beliefs. It was awful enough Lara and herself had to live with the constant fear of being caught, but they didn't need to drag Mira into that mess as well. Sometimes ignorance really was bliss.
"I can't really explain it, Mir. Just believe me when I say I couldn't quit by myself."
Not without putting her life at risk, anyway. Because, truly, quitting would've raised immediate red flags. She'd been granted a Dauntless-dream-job, so what would it say about her loyalty to the faction if she had quit it within two weeks? She would've drawn a lot of attention to herself had she done so – and attention simply wasn't something she could afford as a divergent.
Moreover, if she was being completely honest to herself, which she rather not, there was another, more selfish reason why she hadn't resigned on her own strenght. She'd finally been given a taste of what it felt like to be a valued member of a faction, and she simply had been more than reluctant to give that up. She was happy to finally belong and fit into a place, she hadn't dared to criticize or question a job so high on the social ladder. Resigning would've meant she would have lived the rest of her life with the label of being a quitter; it would've haunted her. At least now, the choice had been hers. The moment Eric had stepped in, the choice had been taken away from her, and though it was weak at best to hide behind his actions like that, it felt really fucking fantastic that she didn't have to be the one disappoint anyone. She didn't think she'd been able to bare it.
"You couldn't quit by yourself?" Mira repeated skeptically, before raising her hand in defeat. "Oh, what the hell. It's your life anyway, and it's not like I'm such a role model when it comes to relationships."
At Keena's inquisitive glance Mira elaborated. "Jonah and I, we've decided– I mean, we think it's best if we go our own ways for a while."
"Wait what?" Keena asked dumbfounded. It took a few moments before the words fully registered, but when they did it didn't make sense at all. To say this came as a surprise was putting it lightly. They'd been completely in love a fortnight ago.
"Yes, we– well he to be fair, really thinks it's best for us to settle into our new lives first. You know, 'to see what it brings us' without 'clinging to each other' just because of a 'shared history'. And I get it – I do – but at the same time it hurts so very much. Back in Candor I used to be the bravest person he knew, but here… I don't know. Perhaps I'm simply too Candor for his liking now he's seen what the other options are." A humourless chuckle escaped her throat. "You know he told me he 'loves me' while breaking up? He just says love isn't always enough, which I believe is just code for him wanting to fuck his new colleague. At least he's doing me the courtesy of breaking up beforehand. I hope."
"You're joking." Keena whispered; a plea more than a question.
"I don't know for sure." Mira admitted with a shake of her head. "I suspect it's because of that new colleague of his– Stacy something, but I don't know for sure. Maybe I'm just being paranoid." It was painfully obvious just how much she didn't believe she was being paranoid. From what Keena had seen, Mira's instincts were barely wrong, and the girl in question knew it herself.
The curse of the Candor, she supposed.
Keena briefly squeezing her friend's hand in an attempt to comfort her. "He's going to regret it, you know. Maybe not today, tomorrow or next week. But he's going to regret carelessly pushing you aside like this. He's an idiot for letting you slip through his fingers. And a massive arse."
"Hmm, well. I guess we'll see in time." Mira shrugged indifferently, clearly done talking about it. She, like Keena, preferred mulling things over in private. "In either case, he won't be coming to your birthday outing tomorrow – I asked him not to. I know he's your friend too but…" she trailed off.
"It's fine, Mir. I understand."
She barely knew Jonah, to be honest. Either they were with the group, or the boys and girls split up. In case of the former, Jonah spend most of his time focusing on Mira or the boys, and in case of the latter Keena only ever heard stories from him through Mira. He was nice and if things were different she would be glad to have him there, but to say he would be missed was a bit of an overstretch.
"So, you and Eric are doing fine then?" Mira broke the silence that had consumed them, neither of them knowing what to say for the longest of times. It was clear she was forcing enthusiasm, but Keena understood the need for some lighter conversation, so she took it in stride.
"I think so, yes." She smiled, unable to stop herself.
She didn't know what it was exactly, but even thinking about him made her smile these days. She was just glad to have him. He was like no one she had ever met before, and what they had and the way he made her feel was like nothing she'd ever imagined possible. He made her feel relaxed and nervous all at once; safe and excited; listened to and challenged; protected yet deemed strong. He never made her feel like her opinions or feelings didn't matter. He believed in her and understood her on a level no one else ever had, and even when he didn't he still tried to. What more could she ask for?
"Good god, look at that smitten face!" Mira exclaimed, rolling her eyes. "Something about you is not quite right, you know? You're not supposed to enjoy dating a sadist."
It was a joke. Rationally, Keena knew that, and yet she couldn't help but feel the need to defend him.
"Don't call him that." She heard herself stay - softly but sternly.
Mira's gaze burned the side of her face as Keena marched on, refusing to look her way. "Just because you're in love, doesn't mean you have to be blind for their flaws, you know? You can love someone despite their bad tendencies. If anything, it isn't love until you do."
"I know that, Mir." Keena sighed. "But it's not like that right now. Eric's a tough person with many horrible, harsh habits. I know that. I see that. But of all his flaws, sadism really isn't one of them."
Mira snorted with amusement, and Keena had actively to real back her ire. It wasn't like she could blame her friend for her disbelieve. Had she not been there to witness all those parts Eric steadfastly refused to show the rest of the world, she would never have believed it herself. But the thing was, she had seen those parts, and it had made her fall deeply in love with him – regardless of his persistence of making it near to impossible for others to understand why.
Eric wasn't at all as cruel as he portrayed himself to be. It had taken almost a year but they were finally at a point Keena dared to presume she knew him... at the very least a little bit. Yes, he was still snarky and bossy, and honest to god, a massive prick at times. He liked his control, and to point others on their flaws - but only because he was so harsh on himself for his own as well. Yes, he was a difficult and dangerous kind of man, he hadn't changed into a completely different person, but at the same time, his tough walls had come down a little bit. He was more open and less sheltered now. Less cruel, and much kinder. At least when it was just the two of them.
But all of those softer side to him, the ones she'd recently come to known; all of those were private. Eric had entrusted her with a part of him she doubted anyone else had ever seen, or would. It wasn't up to her to divulge just how sweet he could be if he wanted to; just how gentle his touch, or how soft and adoringly his whispered words. It was hers to know, but no one else's. Not unless he granted them this.
"He's good to me, Mir." She stated simply, not knowing how else to put it without breaking Eric's trust. "I don't expect you to understand, but he really is."
Two, three heartbeats before her friend relented.
"My god, you really love him." Mira's voice sounded sad- almost wistful, and Keena could only imagine how hard it must be for her to talk about love now, of all times. Still, Mira was perfectly capable of setting her own boundaries. Changing the subject now was a one-way ticket to offending her friend.
"I really do." Keena admitted softly, almost whispering. "More and more every day. Some days I find myself wondering how I ever lived without him, while other days I'm afraid I might just die of happiness with him in my life."
"Holy shit." Mira chuckled, shaking her head. "You're in deep, K. So, what's holding you back? Why the secrecy? Why not shout out to the world he's your man?"
"You know why, Mir. I want to establish myself first before becoming 'the girlfriend of'. Especially now I'm without a job."
Mira snorted and rolled her eyes. Apparently just one of the two wasn't enough to make her disagreement known on the subject. "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. If anything, being associated with Eric will open some lovely doors for you. The man might be scary, but he sure knows how to rule his powers about."
"That's what he keeps telling me as well, but I don't want depend on his reputation like that. I want to create my own."
"And you will. Who cares about how you bloody got the job in two years' time? If you're kicking ass out there, that's sure to be noticed. You did finish first during initiation, remember? Eric didn't decide that all on his lonesome; there was a whole team of people involved. And somehow their puny little minds all agreed you should be ranked first – though foolish as it was. We all know it should've been me."
This made Keena laugh, and she good-naturedly shoved the girl – who smirked at her in return before her expression sobered again.
"I mean it though." Mira stated firmly. "If anything, your reputation already proceeds you. First jumper, knife catcher, bungee jumping down the Pitt… I'm telling you. Dating Eric will just add to the list of crazy things you did, it won't undermine them."
Perhaps Mira and Eric were right; perhaps she had been overthinking this, but she would mull it over later when she was alone and had the time and headspace for it. Giving another noncommittal shrug, Keena ended the topic of conversation by stating another concern of hers.
"I invited him for tomorrow night." She admitted so softly she barely heard it herself. Still, her friend must've heard it because for the second time that day, Mira stopped dead in her tracks, looking over at her smaller friend with big bulging eyes.
"You did what?" Her brown eyes blinking around, completely stunned. "You just said you wanted to keep things a secret for a little while longer?"
"Yeah, I still do." Or did. Honestly, she didn't know what it was she wanted these days. "I mean he's not really going to be there. I just asked him to come to the club too, so we can sneak off for a moment or so. It's not like he will be there at my apartment beforehand, drinking along with the rest of us. Don't worry, I won't force you to spend time with him." Keena teased lightly, to which Mira snorted again – apparently it was her new favorite thing to do.
"Okay." Mira sighed deeply, as if preparing herself for something dreadful. "I'm only going to say this once, so I need you to listen closely. If you want to keep your relationship under wraps a little longer, you will have to uninvite him."
"What? Why?" Keena piped confused. "We've been sneaking around for a few weeks now – and months before that too. I don't see why tormorrow should be any different."
"Keena, it's not the same. You have to know that. Either you make your relationship public, or he shouldn't come. You can't have it both ways."
"Uhm, well it's not like we haven't done it before. During the Christmas party-"
"Wait, Christmas? You two were already fucking like bunnies during the Christmas party?"
"I told you it had been going on for a while."
"Yeah, a while. Like two to three months. Not half a year."
"See? Nobody noticed than. Tomorrow's gonna be fine."
Or so she hoped.
In truth, Keena knew it wasn't the most logical thing to do; asking him to come whilst also trying to keep their relationship from becoming public knowledge. It would be hard to watch him from the other side of the room and not be able to touch, kiss and dance with him whenever she liked… and yet not having him there felt even weirder. Especially if she considered the wild night it was sure to become… because that's the thing about birthdays at Dauntless; they were sure to be wild.
Back in Amity, Keena had never particularly cared for her birthday – let alone celebrated it. Sure, there had been the occasional gift from Martha, and of course having your birthday at Amity meant people would sing for you – in the truck to school and right before dinner in the communal hall – but other than that, it had been like any other day. Nothing noteworthy about it.
Apparently, that had been the 'wrong' way to live – pathetic even, if one were to believe Dante (though it was questionable if one should).
Here in Dauntless having your birthday meant getting sloshed and go out for a night full of fun and adventures with friends and strangers alike. It was a reason to celebrate you were still alive, and let's face it; in a faction like Dauntless where lots of people risked their lives in their everyday jobs, this was more of an accomplishment than in Amity. Seeing how the dauntless were being subjected to danger, death, and injuries more, it was only logical they would value life more too – and the quality of it.
Other factions might say what they wanted about the 'recklessness' of the Dauntless, but they sure never did anything by halves. If Keena had learned anything from the past 6 birthdays she had celebrated since coming here, tomorrow night would be crazy.
Which was why she wanted Eric to be there.
And not because she needed him to babysit her or to scare clingy boys away – she was very much capable of handling her own business. But perhaps, just maybe, she was hoping that in all that craziness, they could find a moment to sneak off and be together. Perhaps even dance together a song or two. Perhaps people wouldn't even think much off; not when they danced, or talked, or stood a little too close. Perhaps no one would notice if they snuck to a dark corner to kiss for a while.
It was a club after all.
Who cared what others did in a club?
"Will it?" Mira's disbelieving voice cut through her reverie. "Will it really? Because you seem to have forgotten how violent and brutal Eric can be; what a possessive streak he's got, especially when it comes to you. But I haven't. I clearly remember how he'd hit that friend of yours – Alijah was it? – into the infirmary only a few weeks back, and I also–"
"That wasn't about me." Keena jumped in. Or at least they didn't know for sure it was.
"Wasn't it though?" Mira stared at her impassively. "Are you sure about that? Because you sure seemed the only one able to calm him down and keep him from actually killing the guy."
"He wouldn't have killed him."
"Maybe not on purpose."
"Okay, Mir. It's clear you don't like Eric very much –"
"That's not at all the point I'm trying to make!"
"– but I do, and I want him to be there–"
"I know! I'm just telling you your relationship shouldn't be a secret! People will get injured!"
"Alijah and Eric go way back! You can't judge him on that! You don't know what happened between them!"
"Maybe not, but I'm judging Eric on a whole lot more than just that one fight, Keena. He hangs people off chasms for god's sake…"
"To make a point!"
"It's freaking psychotic!"
"Noted! Now what the hell is your problem?!" Keena snapped furiously. "A few weeks ago, you were still encouraging me to get into a relationship with him, and now I am you suddenly fucking hate him?"
"It's not about my opinion of him, Keena. It's about the safety of us all."
Keena scoffed humorlessly. "Now, you're just being dramatic. Jesus, Mir. It's the first time I will ever celebrate my birthday, and he means a lot to me. More than I can say. Is it really that weird I want him to be there?"
Mira sighed and rubbed her temples, as if massaging away an oncoming headache. Her voice was back to calm before she spoke again.
"I think you're underestimating how hard it will be to have him there." She explained softly, but sternly. "I think you're being naive when it comes to your own feelings. I think you're naive when it comes to his jealousy and violence streak. And I think you're being especially naive when it comes to the part where you think your relationship won't be common knowledge by the end of the night, either because your drunk arses grid up to each other, or because he knocks out the competition. I don't think you will be able to hide it, and frankly, I don't think you should."
"Look." Mira sighed again when Keena just stood there, silently taking reprimanding. "You're very intelligent, Kee. I will be the last to deny it, but when it comes to the world of emotions you're not particularly advanced –I'm sorry– so let me spell it out for you. You're in a relationship now, Keena. You might not call it that, but you are. You don't like him, you love him – it's written all over your stupid love-sick puppy face. And somehow you think it a grand idea to invite him to a club known for its seductive vibes while still trying to keep your relationship a secret? It's ludicrous."
"Seductive vibes?" Keena asked puzzled.
Mira looked at her oddly before her eyes widened; realization dawning onto her.
"Keena, what did Gale and Max tell you Inferno was exactly?"
"Just a club?" Keena shrugged. "Why? What's wrong with it?"
Mira ignored her for a moment and just rubbed her face, swearing to some deity she didn't believe in. "Don't kill the messenger, please. I thought you already knew."
And then she started talking, and with every word she spoken, Keena understood more and more why her friend was so worried.
