CHAPTER 43
In the afternoon Mom went downtown to the office, but before leaving the house she said, "Alyssa, about your pajamas..."
(Oh, no. It's lecture time.)
"...you can continue to wear them, for the rest of the day, if you promise to take a shower and change before going to bed," she said...
...which I was more than happy to do, in exchange for the very rare permission to lounge around the house all day like this!
And, what's more, she didn't even complain that I hadn't put on my bathrobe and slippers!
But as exciting as this prospect was, I ended up taking a long nap instead. Between waking up so early and the morning's excitement, I was so tired that I passed out almost immediately.
Since dinner would be ready at 6, I set the alarm for 5:40, making sure I had time to wash my face and hands before heading downstairs.
At the table, neither of us spoke, which was fine because I wasn't in the mood for Mom to impose a long list of "prom dos and don'ts" on me...
...and I certainly wasn't interested in hearing her describe, in detail, what constitutes tasteless and vulgar dance moves! And so, I welcomed the silence.
Right after finishing the entree (no Emma = no dessert course, damn it!), I went back upstairs and took a leisurely shower. By the time I left the bathroom, Mom was already in her room...
...even though it's not yet 8 pm...again!
Although I was dying to know what she's up to in there, I didn't dare put my ear up against her door. God forbid, if she caught me at it...
Then again, I guess it's just as well that she's done for the night because I have a lot to think about and want to do it without being disturbed.
And so, I got into bed and did just that.
Item #1 on the agenda: Today, for the very first time, I saw Emma completely naked!
It was a glorious sight!
And so, I spent the next ten or fifteen minutes reminiscing.
Second: In the near future, I should have a very serious talk with Emma and find out everything about her past...
...and her family...
...but, since that's sure to be a long, difficult conversation, I can't just casually ask her. Before I do, so many factors have to be right: the time, the place, her mood, etc...
...but how am I going to know exactly when that is - especially since we get so little time alone together?
I had no idea, but decided to try an experiment: to address the universe directly...even though I've never attempted anything like this before.
Speaking out loud (but in a low enough voice that Mom won't overhear me talking to myself and think I'm cray), I said, "Okay, Universe, you know that I tend to, well, freak out about important decisions. I really need to have this conversation with Emma, and all I'm asking of you is, when the right opportunity presents itself, that you make me aware of it."
I had no idea if this request would be answered, but decided to trust the situation and let go of the problem for the time being.
Next up for consideration: Emma's period. While not actually worried about it, I am somewhat concerned.
It does seem to be very, uh...different than mine.
Unfortunately I have no idea what anyone else's is like, not even Mom's, so I can only compare it to my own. When I was twelve, my "period talk" from her lasted maybe 15 seconds (I swear, I'm not making this up - but we'll save that story for another day).
Anyway, this is something Mom just never talks about, which is odd. Considering how she micromanages every other facet of my life, you'd think she'd be all over this, too, but she never even mentions it.
I'm guessing the reason is because she feels the same way I - and apparently every other person in this town/country - do: it's something so unspeakably horrible that it should never be discussed.
But still, I want her to sit down with Emma (and me, I guess) and ask questions, and make Emma tell her all about it, you know, just to make sure everything is all right.
But since Emma never talks about it either, she's probably just as squeamish as Mom. So, how am I supposed to arrange this discussion when there are probably two unwilling participants (three, if I count myself)?
After careful consideration, I decided that, no, it would be better to talk to Emma alone and try to find out everything that way. She'll probably feel less self-conscious discussing it with only one person. And later, I'll get up the nerve to tell Mom about it, and then ask her if everything sounds...normal.
I mean, maybe none of this is even a big deal. Maybe Emma doesn't always get gut-wrenching cramps every month (after all, I've never heard her complain about them before); but still, it's better to be on the safe side and talk to her anyway, I decided...
...and made up my mind to do it tomorrow, in the auto shop.
And finally, wanting to end this session on the same happy note as it began, I fell asleep picturing a smiling, soapy, naked Emma.
XXXXX
Thursday morning on the way to my first class I stopped, as always, to check the school hallway's bulletin board...
...and my face fell.
Oh, no.
Oh! No!
I then spent Lit., History, and Study Hall dreading that now there are TWO serious subjects I need to discuss with Emma.
Finally, dragging my feet, I headed down the hall and into the auto shop.
At first I didn't see Emma, but soon found her in the office, sitting on top of the desk.
Taking a deep breath, I walked in, locking the door behind me...
...and then, I went over to the desk.
Since her knees were in the way, I couldn't get close enough to hug her, so I reached down and took hold of them...
...and then, flashing her a dramatically-wicked smile, I spread them far, far apart.
As I moved in, her arms went around me. I pulled her as close to me as possible...
...and as she held me, my heart started hammering...
...but not due to lust.
'Come on, Alyssa,' I thought to myself, 'even though you're definitely going to cringe all the way through this, just say it anyway and get it over with.'
Okay, here goes...
"Emma, what's going on with your period?" I asked...
...and her body immediately went ramrod-stiff in my arms.
Oh, no.
But then again, I'd kind of expected this. No one else I know talks freely about this subject either, so why should she be any different?
But since it seemed important, I decided to try again and said gently, "Emma, can we please talk about your period?
She shook her head.
"Please...just for a few minutes?"
"N-n-no."
"Right afterward, we can talk about mine," I offered. "I'll tell you everything about mine, and then answer any and all questions you have about it."
"I d-don't w-want to."
"Emma, please. I know this isn't an easy subject, but do you remember how, recently, we've discussed other difficult things...and how afterward, we're always glad we did? I think that this is something you and I really should-"
"I d-don't w-want to!" she exclaimed...
...and then she started to shake...
...so, I said, "Okay, I'm sorry. It's all right; we don't have to talk about it, I promise...okay?"
She nodded.
"But, maybe some other time?" I asked hopefully...
...and then, I waited...
...but she didn't respond at all.
At that point, I decided that the best thing to do is to drop it completely for now; and later when I'm alone, to think the whole thing through again and come up with a new strategy.
I waited until she stopped shaking, then said, "Emma, there's...one other thing I want to talk to you about."
I hesitated, then continued, "I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but this is the last day we're going to be able to come in here."
Unwrapping her arms from around me, she leaned back and said, "Yes, I know. There's no school tomorrow, then the prom is Saturday, and we're off on Sunday, and there's no school again on Monday."
I shook my head. "No, I didn't mean just this week...what I meant is that we can't ever be in here again...at all."
"Wh-what?"
"I guess you didn't see bulletin board this morning."
She shook her head again.
"Well, to make a long story short, starting on Tuesday - and for the rest of the school year – there will be both morning and afternoon Auto Shop classes, five days per week. There was a sign-up sheet for repair requests, and not only was it completely full, there was a second, hand-drawn one, and it was also full. A lot of of students are signing up because they know it's their last chance to get work done on their cars for the cost of parts only."
Her face fell.
"I know," I told her, "I'm disappointed, too, so let's try to figure out some other place."
"Well, I can't go in the cafeteria ever again!" she declared.
"I have no intention of asking you to do that. Instead, I was thinking more like spending the time...in your truck, in the parking lot. You said you eat lunch out there sometimes."
"We can't do that either."
"Why not?"
"Do you know Drew McDonald?"
"I'm not sure," I told her. "The only Drew I know of at this school is on the swim team, but I don't know his last name."
"That's him," she said. "Well, last week King Konger caught him and his girlfriend making out in her car in the lot. She ratted them out to Mr. Hawkins, and they both got detention."
"Well," I began, "that's unfortunate, but-"
"No, there's more. Two days later, she busted this guy Steve in my English class...but he and his girlfriend weren't even making out! They were just sitting in his car listening to the radio...but she insisted they were all over each other, and then they got detention, too! Anyway, now she's taken it upon herself to patrol the parking lot daily, during every lunch period. If she ever caught us..."
"Oh, wow, you're right; but I don't know of any other safe place we can go."
"Neither do I," she admitted.
I thought it over for a bit, then had an idea. "Well, since we can't meet here in school anymore, I'm going to ask Mom if you can come over to the house more often. I mean, not for the next couple of days, because with Saturday night coming up she's sure to be in full spaz mode, so let's get the prom out of the way first; but on Monday or Tuesday, depending on when I catch her in just the right mood, I'll ask her then, okay?"
"Okay," she agreed...
...and then, she reached down and started to unbutton my jeans...
...and as much as I wanted to get in one last round of Special Spots - especially since this is our last day in the shop and who knows when we'll ever get to do it again - as I looked into her eyes, I saw clearly that her heart wasn't in it.
And so, I took a step backward and shook my head...
...but before she could ask why not, I said, "Instead, I'd like to do...something else right now."
Since I still didn't trust the Rat Couch, I ran out of the office and across the shop floor.
Grabbing the tarp, I crossed the room again and spread it out on the floor next to the wall, then I took Emma's hand and led her out of the office and over to it.
Reaching down, I unbuckled, unbuttoned, and unzipped her, then pushed her jeans all the way down to her knees.
When I saw the bulge in the front of her briefs (dark gray today), I knew she still had her period, but wasn't sure if she had cramps...
...but whether she did or not, I still wanted to do this.
I turned her away from me, then sat down and opened my legs...
...and then pulled her down between them.
"Alyssa, what are you doing?"
"Shh...just lean back against me."
She did...
...and then, I leaned back against the wall, so she was almost lying on top of me.
Reaching around to the front of her, I hugged her, pulling her even closer to me...
...and then I held my breath as, for the first time ever, I slid both of my hands way, way down inside the front of her underpants...
...and began to gently caress the lowest part of her lower abdomen.
Less than a minute later, she relaxed against me with a sigh...
...but less than two minutes later, I heard the change in her breathing...
...and then, even though I wasn't trying to be naughty with her, I saw and felt Emma squirm.
'Uh oh,' I thought, 'someone's getting excited'...
...and acknowledged it by telling her, "I just want you to know that if we were in a nice place right now, just the two of us, I would totally...you know. For as long as you want me to."
"Oh, Alyssa, r-really? I l-love y-you."
Instead of answering with words, I tried to convey my feelings with my hands.
She said, "I'm not hurting as much today, but that feels so nice. Please don't stop."
Tilting my head forward, I leaned up next to her ear and whispered, "Don't worry, Emma, I'm never going to stop."
XXXXX
I woke up Friday morning expecting Mom to be insufferably hyper...
...but much to my surprise, she actually was quite calm.
Since the day was going to be spent running numerous, non-prom-related errands, we left the house early...
...and the first stop was my least favorite one...
...because promptly at nine a.m., my ass was in the dentist's chair!
Fortunately I had no cavities and escaped with only a checkup and a thorough cleaning.
Next up: High Street.
Even though there was a municipal lot at its South end, I was surprised at how far away from it Mom parked...
...but then, as we walked - at least twenty additional, unnecessary blocks - her diabolical plan became clear: all of this walking while carrying parcels could only mean one thing: since the prom is tomorrow, she's deliberately wearing me out so I'll sleep soundly tonight!
After getting a haircut, hitting the hardware store, having lunch at Snack Time, getting a new battery installed in Mom's watch, and eight or nine other stops, we finally headed home.
At dinner, once again to my surprise, she didn't bring up the subject of the prom. She'd taken the day off from work and had time to cook something more elaborate, so instead of an entree from the crock pot we had chicken parmigiana, with a side of fettuccine primavera.
As Mom got up to clear the table, she said, "Alyssa, it's bedtime."
"What?"
Looking down at me, she said, "I'm not going to repeat that because I'm sure you heard me perfectly. Tomorrow night you're going to be staying up very late. Now, go upstairs...and no calling anyone on your phone either."
"But...it's not even 8 p.m.!"
"I don't care; now, head up there and get your butt into the shower."
Hearing her tone of voice, I knew better than to to argue.
Ten minutes later, with the water beating down on my shoulders, I reflected that at this time tomorrow, I'll be sitting down having dinner with Emma!
I wonder what's on the menu...
...and about everything else that's going to happen!
Two minutes after I got into bed, to my surprise Emma called.
Now, Mom told me that I can't call anyone...
...but she didn't say I couldn't answer if someone calls me!
And so, even though this is a very shaky legal loophole, I picked up the phone.
Sounding apologetic, Emma said, "Right now I'm busy with a lot of last-minute stuff, so I can only talk for a few minutes.
"That's okay," I replied. "Tomorrow evening Mom and I are going to arrive at six; so, where in the gym will you be?"
"Actually, I'll probably get there at the same time," she answered. "Once we finish decorating, I'm going home to take a shower and get ready, but I'll definitely be back by then."
"Emma, I'm so excited about this...especially for you! Oh, by the way, Mom's on punch bowl patrol; did Mr. Hawkins tell you?"
"No, but he did mention that she'll be one of the chaperons."
She hesitated, then added, "I'm sorry, but I'm going to be so busy tomorrow that I won't be able to talk to you at all until we both get to school at 6."
"That's okay," I told her, "you're more than worth the wait, and...oh, shit! Mom's coming upstairs!"
"Okay-talk-to-you-then-love-you-bye!" she said...
...and then, she hung up...
...and closing my eyes, I hugged Emmapillow as hard as I could...
...thinking that, on the dance floor tomorrow night, I'm going to hold my real Emma even closer!
XXXXX
Saturday morning one of the first things I did was lay out my clothes for the evening.
Mom was across the hall, talking on the phone with Roger, and that was fine with me. I still was concerned she was going to lecture me about tonight, so I was happy to eat my cereal and toast all alone.
Since she then headed out to the office for several hours, I also had lunch by myself.
Around 2:30 p.m. I began to get ready.
While in the shower, I took my time as I washed and conditioned my hair, exfoliated the hell out of my skin, and shaved my legs, and under my arms...
...and then, even though no one would see, I got out and stood on a towel, naked, and reached for the scissors.
Looking into the bathroom mirror, I lowered them...
...and then...
...while hoping that I wouldn't cut myself, I trimmed the area very, very carefully.
Wanting to make sure no stray hairs would later "make an unwanted appearance," I hopped back into the shower and soaped up completely once again.
After emerging from it the second time, I shook the hairy towel out into the wastebasket, then threw it into the hamper...
...and then, I peeked out into the hall.
Mom wasn't home yet.
Once in the bedroom, I pulled off my towel...
...but instead of getting ready, I started to pace up and down the room.
I was so nervous. This is the first dance I've ever attended (that fake prom doesn't count), and I prayed fervently that I wouldn't embarrass myself by doing/saying anything awkward or stupid.
This went on for over an hour.
Finally, as I was getting dressed, I heard Mom walk in the front door.
She made a beeline to my room, and while zipping me up made a big deal about how "lovely" I look.
At this point, I was equally excited and nervous...
...and twenty minutes later, as Mom started the car, my heart started hammering.
We drove to school in silence.
Although we arrived fifteen minutes early, the lot was already fairly crowded. Mom found a spot near the the outer edge and parked, and then we walked into the building.
Our first stop was the long table that had been set up just inside the gym entrance.
After signing in, I noticed that there were maybe a hundred kids here already, but didn't immediately see anyone I knew.
Mom was walking toward the middle of the room, so I followed her. "I don't see Emma anywhere; where did she say she'd meet you?" Mom asked.
I checked the time on my phone, then said, "She probably won't get here for another ten minutes. She told me that as soon as they finished setting up, she was going home to take a shower and get ready."
"They really did a nice job on the decorations," Mom commented...
...and looking all around, I agreed.
At exactly 6 pm, there was a sudden crush of more than one hundred students at the gym entrance. Instead of an orderly line, they all sort of crowded around the table at once, clambering to sign in...
...and Mom and I stared in that direction, looking for Emma.
"Well, now I'm sure she'll be here any min-wait, I see her!" I exclaimed.
"Where?" Mom asked, craning her neck.
"Do you see that boy in the gray jacket?"
"The redhead?
"No, the tall, wide, blonde one who looks like a football player? Well, I saw her behind him."
"Are you sure?"
"I definitely did."
"Well, then, let's stand out of the way and wait for her," Mom suggested, pointing to her right...
...and I followed her over.
She then said, "Okay, the very first order of business is to take lots of pictures."
"Aw, Mom, not already with the pics!"
"Yes, I insist. We have to start early, before the sun goes down, because I want to pose the two of you under that huge oak tree on the front lawn...it'll be so cute! Now, where did I put my phone?"
As she started rummaging around in her oversize handbag, looking for it...
...Emma finally emerged from the incoming crowd and ran up to us, looking positively ecstatic and wearing a huge smile.
"Hi! Oh, wow, Alyssa...you look absolutely beautiful!" she gushed...
...but before I could reply, she looked over to my left...
...and suddenly, her smile disappeared completely...
...and all the color drained from her face...
...and I turned in that direction...
...to see Mom staring at Emma...
...in her men's suit, dress shirt, and necktie.
And I was stunned to see her wearing an expression of shock...
… and disbelief...
...and, oh my God, no...extreme disapproval!
Hearing a ragged gasp, I turned back to Emma.
Looking hurt and confused, she lowered her eyes to the floor and started to tremble.
I turned back to Mom, who was still staring at Emma as if she had done something horrible...
...but before I could recover from my own shock enough to say anything...
...someone called out, "Marilyn, I need to talk to you."
Turning in that direction, I saw that it was PTA Walter...
...and without saying a word, Mom hurried over to the punch table.
As I watched her standing behind it and talking to him, I thought, 'This is completely unacceptable! This is Emma's night, and I don't want her upset! Mom owes her an apology...right now!'
As I took two steps in that direction, trying to catch Mom's eye, I thought, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with Emma's outfit...so, how could she even react to it this way?!'
But then, I remembered the press interview Mom gave before our first prom. Not only was she freaking out because Emma wanted to bring a girl as her date, she also was making a huge deal about the student dress code of what was considered acceptable prom attire...
...and that it dictates dresses for all the girls!
And now, not only is Emma wearing a suit instead, even "worse"...it's a men's suit!
(In Mom's mind, apparently, that's every bit as "unacceptable" as a boy showing up wearing a dress.)
More than a minute passed, but since Mom and Walter were still deep in conversation, I decided that until I can get her over here to apologize, I need to do some immediate damage control myself.
Taking two steps back toward Emma, who was still staring at the floor, I said, "It's okay...really."
Without looking up, Emma shook her head...
...so, I reached out and taking her chin in my hand, lifted her face to mine, saying, "Don't worry; she doesn't like everything I wear eithe-"
Suddenly I stopped speaking.
Oh, no.
Oh, God...no.
At that moment, I saw that she was completely devastated...
...and also, the reason for it.
And then, I realized that it's not just about the suit...
...but also about, well, everything else, too!
And I understood that completely.
If this situation had happened to me, I'd just apologize for being under-dressed, and then maybe spend the rest of the evening feeling somewhat self-conscious...
...but this is Emma we're talking about.
As I looked into her eyes, I clearly saw that she's terrified...
...wondering what other things about her Mom is going to disapprove of...
...and how many times that's going to happen...
...until, finally, she decides that Emma is no longer "acceptable" to her...
...and then rejects her completely.
Like when her own parents rejected her...
...and when our schoolmates bullied her severely, day after day, all year long...
...and when she unknowingly went to that fake prom...
...and when I failed to be supportive of as that happened.
I can't imagine how unbearable all of that must have been for her...
...and now, she's terrified of being rejected again.
In addition, all of this confirmed what I've seen happening gradually over the past few weeks: Emma has developed, well, feelings for Mom...
...not in the romantic sense...
...but she desperately wants Mom's attention...
...and approval...
...and, maybe most of all, her affection.
It's why she never complains when Mom bosses her around (like about her scraped wrist and putting her elbows on the table), things that would have me rolling my eyes and muttering under my breath that she's a pain in the ass.
But Emma endures all of that willingly.
It's why, although she's a shy person, she wanted Mom to wash her - not only because she didn't feel well - but also because it's been so long since she felt cared about...
...and cared for.
It's why, the first time she came to lunch, while she hadn't shared everything about herself, what she did tell us was very personal.
Every time, over and over, it's been the same: she's deliberately made herself vulnerable in front of Mom...
...because that's how badly she wants to feel like she has a family again.
And then I wondered, is this the first time she's ever had a parent who shows a genuine interest in her?
And takes such good care of her?
And who disciplines with love, rather than with-
I shuddered. I couldn't even bring myself to imagine the rest of what her home life had been like...
...but I had the distinct feeling that, instead of hurting her only when they threw her out, her parents had mistreated her for a lot longer than that.
'My God, Emma,' I thought to myself, 'what else did they do to you? I'm not sure, but what I do know is that I need to fix this...right now!'
At that moment, I ran all the way over to the punch table and stood directly in front of it - hands on hips and staring - waiting to catch Mom's eye and demand that she come back over and straighten things out immediately...
...but not only was she still yakking with Walter...
...a second later, they were joined by Mr. Rapp and King Fucking Konger!
Who the hell invited her tonight?!
'Now, I'll never get a word with Mom,' I thought...
...and sure enough, K.K. immediately began monopolizing the conversation, running her mouth non-stop...
...and I couldn't catch Mom's attention...
...but realized that I have to - and am determined that I'm going to...
...no matter how long I have to stand here and wait...
...until I make her understand that she needs to come over and apologize, because there's no way I'm going to let her do something like this to...
...to...
...oh, my God...EMMA!
Turning away from the punch table, I ran back to the spot where I'd left her...
...but she wasn't there!
And then, I scanned the entire room frantically, but she was nowhere in sight...
