Lost it All
Sabine was worried for her sanity. The past few weeks, she had been having the same dreams over and over again. Ezra had only recently found out when he helped her the other night. That was about 3 days ago. She was still trying to open up about that time she was at her lowest, when she thought she'd lost it all.
Flashback
(3 ABY Lothal)
Sabine was enjoying a relaxing day after working in with the Lothal Defense Force. She had just gotten out of a meeting where they were designing a new anti-aircraft cannon that could be stowed away when times were peaceful. The designs were approved, and everything went by pretty fast for the rest of her time there. Everything was perfect until Ryder called. He was not trying to bring up the past, all he wanted was her opinion on a memorial to the Ghost crew. It was a plaque that was to be put on the grounds where Kanan died.
"Sabine, I know this is not something you want to hear. But I would like to put 'In memory of Kanan Jarrus and Ezra Bridger. Jedi Master and Padawan' on the plaque." Ryder knew this wasn't a good question, but it had to be asked.
"You just think he's dead? Just like that." Sabine snapped back, pure venom in her voice.
"No, that's not what I meant. I mean that he is gone, and we don't know when or if he'll be back."
"You and I have both seen him do miraculous things. He's not gone. He can't be." Sabine started to lose her firm voice and sat down on the couch. "He can't be."
"I'm sorry I brought it up. For now, it will read just Kanan's name. If you need anything, I am just a call away." Ryder apologized and closed coms.
"He can't be gone. He can't be gone." She kept repeating it to herself, trying to instill it that he was out there. He had to be.
A few hours had past and Sabine was starting to feel tired. Given that it was about 2300 and she was deep in another bottle, it was reasonable. She stood to go to the bed and fell down. "Kriff, that hurt. Why do I even drink anymore, it does nothing?" She asked aloud to no listening ears. After another minute or two, she just decided to lay on the couch and sleep there. As she lay there, half asleep, she heard a voice in her head.
"Why are you still here Sabine? Come home to your real family." The voice said. It was Ursa Wren.
"Because Ezra asked me to. He wanted me to-"
"It matters not Sabine. You are the heiress to Clan Wren. You need to be here to take a husband when we need you to." Ursa's tone was strict and authoritative. "Its not like you love him or anything." Sabine looked over and saw her mother standing in front of her.
"But I do love him!" Sabine shouted. By now, she had forgotten it was all in her head. A drunken mirage.
"Oh please. He's a Jedi, a boy."
"No, he is a respectable man and I love him!" Sabine was angry now.
"So what, he's not coming back anyway. He probably never loved you either." This nearly broke Sabine. She had had her doubts near the end, but hearing them aloud was not helping.
"He did love me. He did." She was starting to cry, like a child would.
"Well you can wait there for a dead man to return. And while you're at it, you can forget your real family." Ursa's voice stopped and Sabine hit the floor on her knees.
She cried for a long time before she looked up. Her mother was no longer there. On the ground before her was her prized WESTAR-35 blaster pistol. She must have dropped in from her holster. But right now, it looked really tempting. The thought ran through her head. 'Maybe I should. My mother doesn't want me. Hera won't call me. And Ezra…' She held the pistol in her hands, eyeing it curiously. Right as she went to move it to her head, in an alcohol induced delirium, another voice was heard.
"Sabine."
She stopped and looked over to her art room. The noise came from in there. She stood to go and find out what the sound was, forgetting the blaster on the floor. When the door opened, she saw a holo of Ezra. It was the one he had left in her cabin on the Ghost. Her own personal message after the dome. The image was him sitting on his bunk. She could only guess Chopper was recording it.
"Sabine. I know I put you in a horrible position, and I'm sorry. The choice wasn't easy to make, and I know you wanted me to stay. However, if you are seeing this, chances are I'm gone. If my idea worked, I took Thrawn with me. I can't say if I will return to you anytime soon, but know this. If I have died, I will appear to you in the Force. If I have not done so, then I am still out there. I need you to come find me, only if you want to that is. I understand if you want to build your own life and have someone to love. I don't want to tear you away from that. Just remember, trust in the Force. I love you Sabine Wren." The message closed. Sabine leaned against the wall and slid to the floor. She was so lost. Everything was gone and here Ezra was, telling her to trust in the Force.
"How am I supposed to trust in the one thing that took you away from me."
"He is not gone Sabine. Believe in that and you will be okay." The voice of Kanan came in her head.
"How am I supposed to believe in that?" She asked to no one. The voice didn't answer her. She was left in her drunken mess for the rest of the night. Some time around 0200, she finally fell asleep. Curled up on her art room floor.
She awoke hours later to find her head pounding and an overwhelming need to use the refresher. As she walked through the tower, she saw the blaster and remembered the message. 'If I have not done so, then I am still out there.' She took the pistol and placed it in her holster.
"He's still out there, he has to be."
End Flashback
Sabine sat up in the bed, she looked down to see Ezra. Surprisingly he was still asleep. Normally he was awake and holding her, but he was still and silent. His chest rising and falling ever so slightly. She stood and walked out of her room. As she walked through the large empty halls, she could feel the cool air breeze around her. The moon shown into the large windows of the stronghold and lit her way. She passed door after door until she came to the door she wanted to find. The door silently slid open and the room lit slowly, not enough to wake the occupants. Sabine walked into the room and sat in the chair near the bed. A small voice came from her left.
"Momma, what's wrong?" A sleepy Anna asked sitting up.
"Nothing baby, just couldn't sleep is all."
"Was it a bad dream?"
"Something like that." She stayed in her chair as the little girl got out of bed and came over to her.
"Do you wanna sleep with me and Mira?" Anna offered.
"That's okay honey. I just need to think a moment."
"Okay." Anna said as she climbed into Sabine's lap. "Can I stay here too?"
"Sure Anna." The little girl curled up and before long was asleep once again. Sabine sat there and looked out the window and held her small daughter in her arms and rocked with her.
The next morning, Ezra walked in to see the two in the chair. He smiled and gently kissed them on the head. Afterwards, he carried a still sleeping Anna to her bed and then carried Sabine back to their room. As he laid her down, she woke up. She looked in his eyes and pulled him down on top of her, the momentum pushing him over and put her on top. The rest of the morning was theirs to enjoy.
I know most of this was a flashback, but I couldn't think of anything else that would fit here. Don't worry, soon I will start Mira and Anna's training. Thank you! TB out!
